Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Space Elvis & Alien Time Capsule - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 9, 2025

Spit Hit for Oct 9th, 2025:On this hilarious episode, we get into some serious toilet talk, realize the world is filled with pee monsters and then head into an Alien Time Capsule draft that goes light years beyond where it should. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. What was that? I actually liked the ending. Yeah, I mean, I liked that it was different. Trying to figure out what, what doesn't, what's an alien sound like?

Not like that. That's a robot. How many have you met, Jason? Two. Oh, crap. Yeah. Both of them sound like this. They got a real deep baritone.

Yeah, they are. With a southern accent. It's weird. You're coming with us. It's very surprising. Welcome into the spitballers. No, I liked it, Mike. That was good.

We've got a fun show for you today. we're coming into the studio fresh off of what might as well have been spitballers discussion around the lunch table. Ah, yes. And we were talking about many things, one of which was just that there are two types of toilets. There's the elongated toilet. And then there's the, I guess you would just call it more of a round. Round or a long table. Basically what you could call it is you'd call it a toilet elongated or you'd call it grandma's toilet, which is the round.

So that's what I was going to bring up is that, like, I, there's one toilet that I know of. Alongated. That is not elongated. You, like, in your life, you know where a non-elongated toilet is. And every time I sit on that, it's a real surprise. Yeah. Yeah, you don't fit. I feel like the toilet is elongated now.

We made the, it's not like people are saying when they're building new houses, Mike. I'm sure you weren't like, hey, I need. Make sure you get elongated toilets. You just say, get me some of these toilets. That is the standard. But I did have, as growing up, one of my best friends, it was a triple whammy guys. Okay. Carpeted bathroom.

I knew that was coming. Rounded. Oh. That's too. And the cushy seeds. The cushy seat. Yeah. Now, it's like the grandma toilet.

Deerable. Of the three. I don't mind the cushy zee. No, no. That's the worst one. No, it's not the worst one. If you're there too long, there's a peeling sound and when you stand up. There always is.

No. No, no. When you sit down and it goes, there's just fecal bacteria just jettisoning out into the room. I have not given thought to the. Oh, so gross. The bacterial ramifications of a cushy toilet seat. But at least it's comfortable. It doesn't get as cold.

I will say a cold toilet seat is no fun. but my question is is like human society we have changed we have become in America we're larger individuals than we used to be yeah if you go to old Broadway theaters oh yeah go to Richard Rogers and try to squeeze in there I mean that is those are seats made for tiny people that apparently used to be normal people is a did this just happen or something to that's a real specific call well that's where Hamilton is yes and so that's the one I'm thinking of actually but it's it's insane it's insane I know I'm fat and like regular-sized seats that people comfortably fit in.

Yeah, I don't like them. No one. Like, I don't, I don't care who you are. You're going to go sit in that. And unless you're a child, you're going to go, what is happening in this theater? It's a theater for children. And, you know, even like roads, a lot of older roads are thinner. And then you get to like the outskirts of town that are newly developed.

And it's larger roads because our cars are bigger and our bodies are bigger. My question is, is there another tier of toilet coming? Is there a longer, super elongated? Is it wider and longer? I don't think we're going wider. I think we're going wider. I think we're going with a... Is that mean we're back to round?

Just scaled up? Oh, I think that's what it would be. Because if you go further forward, you can have to remake all the bathroom stalls. The problem, though, is still the children. They'll fall in. The children still need another one. We lost another one to the super toilet. All right.

That was a sidebar. But we're feeling good. We're ready for a show. We've got Would You Rather? And a brand new game on today's show, I'm still deciding what it's going to be called. Ooh, fine. I haven't made my final, my final determination. But let me tell you, the name will be good.

And then we are drafting things that we would put into a time capsule for the aliens to find. Now, when I made it, I was. It's real catching. name i was figuring uh yeah it's a short brief quick name i was figuring like this is this might be millions of years this might be hundreds of thousands of years whatever it's been a while and they're going to find this and and what are we going to put in there what what what message do you want to send to the man that's scattered at the beginning we'll find out yeah i'm going to translate that later oh guys thank you yeah it was all my picks actually mm-hmm okay here we go

Would you rather? Larry from the website says, Would you rather have your sneezes always smell like you have farted? Or every time you fart, it is as loud as a sneeze. Okay. So there's no silent farts anymore. No, not in this world. Well, there could be if you take the sneezes smell like farts.

Dude, you can't take that. I can stop myself from sneezing 100% every time. But it's awful. Does it actually, like, bother you to stop a sneeze? Yeah, it, it... I put it on hold, and I, maybe later that day. It brings me physical pains. There are actually...

Really? I can just put my finger on my nose and stops it. I can do it, but it's... It's awful. There are times where you can't stop a sneeze. If you're sick. Yeah, you're sick, and you've got the sneezes. Or one can just sneak up on you.

I actually, like, when I... I last had COVID and didn't know I had it. I thought I was just coming down with a cold or something. I was woken from sleep via sneeze multiple times. And I'm, it's unbelievably weird. It's not like I woke up a little bit and then I sneezed. It's I woke up middle of the sneeze. Wow, I can't imagine what that would be like.

Who did that? Yes, it was like, it was so jarring. And like, I, there's someone in my room. I was like, how can my body do this? Like, how can it get halfway? Your body started sneezing while sleeping. Yes. And what were, did.

And it smelled like farts. No, I didn't. Did that have dream ramifications? Like, no. No, I mean, I was awake. Okay. Because I know sometimes when something's about to happen in real life right before you wake up, you dream it or you dream something like it.

It's when you wake up with the pee-pee pants. Exactly. Oh, my gosh. I'm peeing into a river right now in this beautiful dream. Oh, I peeved a bad. Why didn't you just wake me up? I just like the idea that your dream is this beautiful river And your thought is like, ah, I shall pee in it.

It feels good to relieve myself in this river. Not the actual. It's a bad. Peabee Pants part. Have you never had that happen? 100% when I was a kid that happened where you, No, I'm saying like, not now. I'm saying you don't actually go.

Oh. But in your dream, something is happening involving the bathroom and then you wake up. Yes. Oh, man. 100%. Yes. That was close. Yeah, I'm peeing into a river, and then I wake up and go,

Oh, whoa, blah, da, da, da, da, da, nah, yeah, get my feet on the floor, go, walk, get there. I, I feel like the less consequential one here is I can't, I can always stop a sneeze. You can't always stop a toot? Ooh, ooh, I think I can always stop a toot. Both are unpleasant. Okay, so which one? I'm not sure. I'm undecided, convince me.

think that if you sneeze and it smells like a fart, that's a big problem. It's up at the, it's already at nose level. Yes. Like if you fart in a room, you can escape the room before it reaches people. A lot of the time. And it feels like it would spread more. And one of these

we've seen those diagrams of diseases. One of these is just normal. Okay, every time you fart, it's as loud as a sneeze. Okay, now, not every time I fart as a lot as a sneeze, but I got farts so I can rip. Right. I can sneeze out of fart, no problem.

Don't call me your brother in this one. So this is just like, and honestly, I love it. Sometimes I'm probably more love it. Oh, so you would regret losing that. I honestly would, like, I am more disappointed when I can't rip a good one than I am for the opposite. Like if I've got a real. If you could guarantee they all are allowed, you'd be happy. I mean, sometimes you need to silently fart.

Like that is a necessity in certain situations, but my generally speaking... If I knew this was the first question, I would not have brought up the toilet from earlier. My most common fart where I feel comfortable farting, I want it to rip, I want it to be loud, I want it to be heard, I want it to be impressive. That's in his music studio. But if... I was around someone and they sneezed. There's got to be somebody that's recorded all their farts. No, there doesn't

There's nobody on planet Earth that has recorded all their farts There's just got to be Someone grew up thinking, I can't fart yet I don't have my recorder You just see them panicking fumblings running at their phone You've seen TLC they've got there's freaks out there man Yeah, but all their farts From the time they decided

Yeah, but just imagine being the other person right Yeah Someone sneezes near you, you know, oh, God bless you. And you're like, what the, what, why is it smell like? Did you, I would assume that that sneeze leaked a fart out. A silent one. Yeah, it was a, it was a cover up. Yeah.

Oh, is it cover up or a force out? What if, have you, you guys, have either of you, yes, sneeze so hard to make you fart? No. It's happened. It's happened a couple times, a couple times. You all sneezing too hard. Yeah. When it happens.

two things one it's shocking it's shocking because you're like no that did not just do that the other is sometimes that hurts it's like actually oh is that like you shouldn't be doing what is it yawning and sneezing at the same time or something

will kill you what's the same you can't sneeze and close your mouth or something it was if you with your eyes open yeah if you sneeze with your eyes open and then your eyes will pop out that's the urban legend what if what if farts were 100% contagious

Like a yawn? No like scientifically If you let one go The people around Like you know your fart Always started with another person Yeah so then every time I fart I would blame someone else

The whole room just lights up Who farted first All right I will I'm pretty This is one of the most indecided ones I've I've had I will get rid of the

I don't want my sneezes to smell like Yeah I'm going loud There's a sneeze. Because honestly, being sick when you, like, you smell it yourself. Of course. And I know, I know. You like taking a little whiff of your own stuff. But that isn't true if you were like, if you farted like a thousand times in a day.

Oh, I'm taking a thousand whiffs. All right. I'm moving on. Sorry, everybody. Ben from the website. And the craziest part of all that. Oh, goodness. is it doesn't matter like well I thought he was going to say well when you're like sick and

yes yes that is what I was going to say you got the real bad far yeah you still but it's like ooh oh guys I work with some sick freak you should be on TLC we're burden we're being honest yeah everyone else out there is going yeah yeah I guess you're driving alone in the car they're going yeah I guess you're kind of curious if it's worse than the one before you can tell the truth um been from the website would you rather this is a weird question Would you rather rid the world of lemons or limes? Oh, man. I don't understand this at all because to me there's a hierarchy of the fruits.

And lemon is not, like, limes are above lemon no matter what. Oh, really? Yeah. So like. And that is- Do you enjoy lemonade? Do you like lemonade? Yeah, I do like lemonade.

Yeah. You ever drink lime? I have. I have. Just lime juice. It's actually not as good. Yeah. But I also always ask for, like, if I'm having water.

or soda water, I get it with a lime, not a limit. I like the flavor of a lime. If I was choosing two candies, I would choose a lime flavor over a limit. But no lemon desserts now. Now it's lime desserts. You make a good point. Does anyone... Do they do lime pie?

Yeah, but that's gross. Oh, my gosh. But do people do line cookies? Is that a thing? I've had a... Yeah, I've had a line bar. They're not as good. A lime bar, if it's key lime.

When you're going for sweet, lemon is better. lemon mixes better with sugar. Lemon's more versatile than lime is. But I just feel like it's the worst fruit, man. I like limes more, too. So I'm on your side. Nobody here is taking the lemon starburst first. But there's no lime star.

No, but if there was, I would take it first. Yeah, 100%. Over the lemon one? I think that there's a reason lime starbursts don't exist. And it would be worse than a lemon. There's not even lemon soda. but they have to put lime in it to make it better. That's true.

There's no, I mean. Wait. Well, there's lemon lime. Yeah, but there are, there's like sparkling lemonade, which is basically a soda. And delicious. It is very good. Sparkling is great. Let me take a totally different angle.

Which plant has bigger thorns? Because they both got thorns, right? Do they have thorns? Yeah, lemon trees definitely have thorns. Oh, for sure, like big old giant thorns. I had just picked some lemons. I bet you cut yourself. The tree got me.

Yeah. They don't want you picking. No, it doesn't. Which is, what's the deal with that? Lemon tree? That goes back to creation right there, man. Listen what I'm saying, like the- Come and get the fruit?

What I'm saying. I dare you. The seeds to make more trees are in the lemons. Yeah. And it needs someone else to spread these things out. And it's like, no. It's fine. Just dropping them and letting them rot and let all the ants get them.

They both have thorns. Oh, a lime tree has stores too Oh man I'm gonna keep the lemons I think there are more things That are lemon flavored Like I actually There are more I would agree

There's definitely more When I personally That's like vanilla vanilla has the most I'm going to my refrigerator For the rare purpose of I need a lemon or I need a lime I'm usually a lime More often than a lemon

For a recipe or something like that But it's not that common either way And I'm just thinking about all the lemon things in the world I enjoy and all the lime there aren't me. They're like all the lime things like there's not that many lime flavored things. I'd rather have a key lime pie than any lemon dessert. I would rather take a

key lime pie and throw in the garbage and eat a lemon. Wait, you don't like them either? And eat a lemon meringue. No, key lime is disgusting. Wait, you both think that? Uh-oh. This is not. How's that feel, Jay? It feels bad sharing a dessert take with you. This is just two dudes smelling their own farts and throwing lime

desserts in the trash. Because it's not good. Key lime pie is so. good deucers what are you shaking your head about i'll take lemon meringue a hundred percent of the time over key line i love key lime all right well that's a doesn't help anything um all right so i guess uh it's settled then are you mike if you like a limer meringue i'm gonna keep the no you're keeping the lime i'm keeping the line i'm keeping the line i'm keeping the line anyway um interesting i just was informed that there were lime flavor no it's on etzy oh it's on etzy Okay.

Wait. Maybe there were lime starbursts and they didn't pass the test. Someone bought them all. All right. One more here, guys, before we try our new game on for size. Skip from the website. Would you rather shake someone's hand if it is wet or dry after? Wait, what?

Oh, I get this. So someone just comes out of the bathroom and it's a handshake moment. We're back, maybe. Okay. Would you rather their hand be dry or wet? I have a very strong answer for this. Interesting. Yeah.

Interesting. Wet. You're going with wet? How wet? It's, there were no towels in the bathroom. They washed their hands. Did they rub it on their hands first? No, just a couple shakes.

Now, I guess the argument is if it's wet in your head, you go, they definitely wash their hands. Correct. Now, did they wash with soap? Did they just do a little spritz under the water? You don't know. You don't know. Did they not wash their hands and cover themselves in pee-pee? Right.

If it's completely dry, are you presuming that they, not that they're patient enough to have dried it perfectly, but that they just didn't wash? You probably, if they come out and give you a hearty handshake right out the bathroom door and it's dry as bone, you probably know, they did not watch them. But you could tell yourself that they wash their hands and dried it perfectly before leaving the restroom.

They didn't, but you could tell yourself that. But if it's wet, you can, you know that they wash. They made an effort. They, they rinsed. Well, yeah, but that's still, like the true danger is the germs, right? Yeah. I, I, I'll take a moist hand. I think I'm, I think, I'm on the other side.

I want the dry. I want, give me a dry handshake. It's weird because even though, it's too gross. Even though the wet hand means they washed, there's nothing that won't make me think for just a tiny miniscule second that they either peed on their hand or they put their hand in a toilet. Yeah, 100%. Wait, wait, wait, back up. You think they put their hand in a toilet? I'm just saying if you associate moisture.

Oh, I drop my ring in there. If you associate moisture with the, I'm not saying either one's logical. They also probably didn't pee on their whole hand, Jason. But the bathroom, you come out. out of the bathroom. What's wet in the bathroom? P and toilet water. Yeah. And then the sink. And sink water. But yes, I'm going dry. I want dry because here's what's funny is I've been in the situation where I come out of the restroom and have to shake hands. And I feel worse when I just wash my hand. If it's wet, I feel like they're going to think I got peeping hands. I won't do it.

Yeah, you got to go fist. I'll say, sorry, I just wash my hands. I go fist bump. I'm going to come out and say, sorry, I don't wash my hands. Sorry, I just. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I just, I just, I put my hand in the toilet. It's too gross. I think we agree. Shaking a wet hand is too gross. All right. Let's take a quick break and we'll come back with a brand new game.

and what is the game we're playing i think we all know what the name of the game is we have a new game and it went through many different possible ideations come on are we are you doing this yeah we're playing guess guess guess goose that's right baby the best name ever yes guess goose there were so many good names yeah and we're looking up you're looking up these names yeah we're spitballing names some are you're like well another version of this game it exists and they call it this type of thing and then Andy said what about guess guess goose

I assumed as a bit it was a bit it was just a joke but you know what sometimes the best inventions are just the worst inventions I came in after seeing guest guest goose I was busy

I think I was in New York at the time and the names were flowing around and I was trying to catch up to this chat and when I saw guess guess guess goose I was like nailed it well we didn't want it like you know Al was reminding us we don't want to use a name

for a segment that someone else might have, you know, copywritten. So I went with something I knew. We could copyright if we wanted to. Guess, guess, guess, goose. And look, there will be no goose related things for this game. Just so you know. The loser, the last place person is the goose. There we go. That's why we named it.

That's right. Guess, guess, guess goose. So don't be the goose. It is a guessing game. I don't want to lose now. No, because you don't want to end up. I don't want to be a goose. and we've got a beautiful swan you don't want to yeah that's that'll be you um here's how the game works

it's uh pretty simple we're going to take turns uh answering or setting a line for a specific question so it is a guessing game so my first question that i'm going to that i'm going to put out there is what percentage of people have peed in public pools now there is a right answer uh the people were surveyed people were surveyed and the question is what percentage of people have peed in public pools. In public pools. Now, because I'm the one asking it and we'll go around in a circle, I'm going to go ahead and take a shot at it.

I'm going to try to hit that percentage right on the mark. If I get within 5% either direction, I'm going to get two points. Yep. Nice. You two are simply going to say higher or lower from what I say. Okay. And if I'm not that close, that's your chance to earn a point. So what percentage of people have peed in public pools?

This is fascinating. Look, you're being surveyed. So you can lie. I'm going to say, I'm going to say 10% of people. Ooh, that's a good guess. I'm going to say 10% of people. You wanted 10? So you guys have to now say higher or lower as we play this spectacular game that is called guess, guess, goose.

Yes, guess, goose. So the amount of people who have peed in a public pool, I have not. I definitely have. You have peed in a public pool? I had to have, yeah. I mean, there's kids. Have you peed in a private pool? No.

So you just haven't peed in a pool? I haven't. Have you been tempted? Of course. Maybe you feel like you're just in a beautiful river. The most public of pools, the ocean. The ocean has received bountiful amounts of my urine. That's a blast.

That is a blast. Give me a lake or an ocean. I've had a hard time in the ocean before. Oh, really? Getting started. Yes. No. Yeah, yeah, because your body's like,

I need the freedom. I don't do this. I don't feel the free. do it. Yeah. But don't you worry about your shorts. No. They're getting washed the whole time, man.

And with saline water. Yeah. All right. Okay. The cleanest way to clean. Okay. Well, there you go. That's why I also poop in my pants.

No. All right. So I'm going to go 10%. I like that number. I mean, there's just. Higher or lower, Mike. So many children are peeing in pools all the time. Are they surveyed here?

No, but they grow up. Okay. But do they remember their peas? I don't know. I'm going to go. 10% that's a very good guess I'm going to say higher

okay slightly higher so 10% would have been the number I went with obviously I'm right on the border but I do think it will be higher I think I'm gonna hit this one I think I'm gonna get the two points

I you definitely are getting Al what is the number the number is 66% what what is wrong with people you filthy animals don't pee in public pools what that means two-thirds of the people around me are actively urinating the next time

i'm in a pool that is what i will be thinking oh remember that everybody andy you get zero points you should get negative points you weren't close i gave humanity some credit you both get a point because you both went over right yeah yeah but i bet you didn't think it was around 66% i thought it was like 12 i didn't think six times over i thought i was on i thought i had gotten the two points i was close to going under and when he started to say six. I thought he was finished at six percent. What?

And then he said 66 percent. I will never get in a public pool again. Yeah. Because based on that, two-thirds of the water in that pool is pee. That's what the math means to me. When is the last time you've been in a public pool? Last summer. For real?

A resort. That's a public pool. Yeah. I was in Hawaii. And I swam a lot in a pee. Yes, you did. Wow. people are filthy yeah well okay Mike it is your turn I'm gonna jump in real quick I think

moving forward not 6.6% please no 66% the two people that are guessing over and under let's write your answer down just because as we get further you could I don't want you gamifying game play the game okay okay that'll be good I would have said 12 let the record show yeah that works all right Mike it is your turn to ask the question and guess all right my question I man I was the goose on that one it's what percentage of people have eaten a hot pocket in the past month. In the past month.

Hot pocket. By the way, this game will be very fun in the future because we can put the questions out to the spitwads and we won't look. Al will have them secretly. Go to the deucer cam. I don't know if the spitwads have been introduced

to Matt, aka the Falcon, who but the return of spitballers on social media that's the falcon is the falcon is soaring through the clouds so the excitement that everyone shared this is the guy handling it so make sure you're following us on socials which are at spitballers pod instagram.com slash spitballers pot it's spitballers pot everywhere but youtube beautiful which is just spitball yeah so make sure you're following there if you want to get involved with some guest

guess guess goose all right so what percentage of people have eaten a hot pocket in the last month mike you have to set the line the last month I mean, how, they have to be very popular with, with the, I mean, how much shelf space is given up to hot pockets in the grocery store, in the freezer section. I'm going to set the line, a percentage of people who have eaten a hot pocket in the past month, I will go 28%. Okay. 28%. I pre-wrote down. Oh, did you?

My. Also, I, I had to go a little higher. due to the disgusting nature of the previous answer. I would have said lower, but people are filthy animals. People just eating hot pockets and pee in anywhere. All right. So over under, we both wrote one down. We both wrote one down.

I went with under. I did as well. Okay. Okay. And I, I, again. What percentage would you guess? 20%. I'd say about 15.

Wow. You guys are close. The correct answer was 18%. Ah. So Andy and Jason each get one point. Mike gets nothing there. Okay. So that's good.

So wait, what, 17? 18. 18. 18 percent. You were close, Mike. I mean, that's a lot of. 25? 27. Oh, okay. But I artificially bumped it up because I thought people were so nasty. Okay.

They did not survey the same people. Yeah, people can be nasty, but people could be fun. Let's find out how fun they are. My question is, what percentage of people take their Oreos apart before eating them? So you get to set the line there. I know the line. This is an easy line for me to set. I bet. It's fitting. I knew you're going to go 50. It's 50%. Half the people do. Half the people don't. That's what I believe.

You know, that is, that is, make you guys choose if it's most or minority. That's, uh, over or under. All right. I've got my number. I've got, uh, I've got mine. Okay, and we'll give our answer. And I want to survey this room here. Sure. I'm, I went with over at 60%. I'm going under and I'm going down to 35. Okay. How many in this room act you do?

Like, not just I've, it's not every time. I've taken it apart. That's the problem. Yeah, I mean, I wish I knew whether this. I'm about 50, 50 myself. Me too. So that means I'm a yes.

How playful am I that day? I think you're probably right. I bet it's like 65%. Uh, but I set the line at 50. How many people in this room regularly take your Oreos apart? I do not. Nobody. I don't.

Boring, boring. Yeah. Boring. Yeah. That's, that thing is lower. Yeah, it could be. All right, the correct percentage, owl. Jason getting two points here.

The correct percentage was 46%. Oh, boom, bam. Oh, but it's also a wonder. It is under. So Mike gets a point. Jason gets two. Wow, 46. 50 just sounded right when you said it.

All right. So do we have an update on the score here? Who's tracking this? Yeah. I am. And Jason, you have four points. Mike has two. Andy has one.

Are we double in the points for the final round? We are not. No, because one of us can score more. And we are doing six rounds, so we were halfway through. Oh, I was calling, like, each of us going one round. Okay, and we're doing two rounds. That's what I meant. That's what I said for the final round.

It would be fair to double the points. Nah. Yeah, nah, says in the league. It makes the first round of round. No, it's just how we do every other game. All right. Here's mine. What percentage of people watch Wheel of Fortune at least once a week?

And again, this show's been on forever. I so once a week wheel of fortune what that's like what percentage of people are baby boomers that's how I am interpreting the question and you know what I'm envious I love that show yeah I have no what time what is what's wheel time who's a wheel watcher here oh is that what they call them yeah anybody anybody know what time wheel fortune I think if you pull this room what channel is wheel of fortune on I think the amount of people that watch wheel of fortune at least once a week is 30%. Wow.

That's the line I'm going to put. That's a lot of people. I'm going to say 30% of people. Just because, you know, it might not be my sensibility, but it's still on TV. So, and I know people watch like TV sitcoms still too, so. All right, Jay, are you going under or? I'm going under.

I went 25. I'm going 14. So you went under as well. Yeah. The other, go ahead. The under did hit. The correct answer was 11. Oh.

Good for you. Good for you people. We should not be walking. Look. That shows great. The show's fine, but you've got to have more to do with your life than regularly make sure every week. Well, nine-tenths of people do. Yeah, exactly.

That's what I'm saying. I'm congratulating the people. So wait, are 10% of people like 70 to 80 years old? Exactly. Hold on average. On average, how many nights a week do you watch a television program? Four? Three or four? Three or four nights?

You have non-TV nights. Yeah, we're just too busy. I would watch TV. If I was at home, sure. But I feel like... And then, on average, of those three to four nights, about how long are you watching? However long I could stay up. Eight hours. But is it a couple hours?

I would say if we watch, yeah, it's probably two hours. So what's wrong with sneaking a 30-minute episode of Wheel of Fortune in there? Wheels not that good. Oh, it's not that good. That's a great show. It's a great show that if it happened, he'd go higher than 30 and he didn't. If it happened to be on, like if you're just, I don't watch it. If I'm in the lobby of a dentist office and they got Wheel of Fortune on, I'm happy it's on.

That's probably most of the views. I'm not like seeking this out at home being like, who, what should I watch the new great show or Wheel of Fortune with 80,000 year old Pat Seagank. All right, Mike, you're up. So I have what percentage of people prefer smooth peanut butter to crunchy peanut butter? This is an excellent question. This is an excellent question. Unfortunately, it's still from the first one. I know that there's monsters out there who are prefering.

66% being in the pool is a, that is, that's unbelievable. They surveyed one family and this family's got a thing that they do. they have eight children yeah yeah they've got one black sheep of the family who doesn't right all right mike what is your number uh what percentage of people prefer smooth peanut butter to crunchy peanut butter it's i'm going to put some faith in humanity here it has to be higher than 50 percent because is that your number no i'm i'm trying to figure out how high i want to go here because crunchy peanut butter is in fact so repulsive no it's no it's the worst it's so It is better. It's just hard to spread.

No. I like crunchy peanut butter, but I, I mean, I just, I don't. You prefer? I prefer the other. All right. I'm going to go up to, I will go 65%. 65% of people prefer smooth to crunchy. Then I will take the over. I've got an 88%. I'm at the over 75%. Oh, so you guys are way more on the smooth side. Yeah. I think people prefer someone. Yeah, I think it's kind of a bandwagon thing. All right. What's the answer?

The correct answer is 62%. Boiya! Mike with two points. Blam! But both Andy and I get a point as well. What? Right? No.

Do you know how the game works? No. This is my first time playing. Your number was higher than the number that I set. Yeah. And the answer was lower. Yeah. What did you say?

I said 60. He said 65. The correct answer was 62. Yeah. So you get zero points, though? No, sir. No, but also, that's double points, right? We just want to check in.

It would be more exciting if it was, but no, it's not. Okay, so point update. If guests, it's grumpy. Before the final, before the final grumpy question. We currently have a tie. I don't have a lot of points. No, I think Andy's going to goose this time, but currently we have Jason and Mike with five, Andy with one.

Okay. Yeah, double points would give me hope here, but I don't even want to be here. Jason, your turn. If we doubled the points, you could only get two points. Yeah, but I gave up of the first. previous two because I had no hope too. Okay. Okay. All right.

Well, hey, Mike, we're not a good show. Yeah. Hi-five. That's me. All right. My final question, what percentage of people have flown kites in the past year? The past year? They've got a calendar year to have flown a kite. I mean, I got a number. I can't wait to hear Jason's line. I wish I knew what city this was. I mean, it genuinely is like, if you were to ask this question in San Francisco where there's wind versus if they ask this question here, like, you, the vast majority of time, you can't fly a kite. There's just not enough wind.

Does the, unless you start playing pickleball? Does the wind inspire you to go fly a kite? To fly the kite? Well, it certainly helps, yeah. You're not flying a kite just on a breezeless day. Is that the spark that's a guy that's? says let me go get a kite? I have thought that before.

I've genuinely been out and been like, it's so windy. You can fly a kite. Like, we should fly kite. Is that, did we start doing that because wind is ruined so many things? There's nothing we can do except for go fly a kite. I'm not sure flying a kite is less fun as an adult, but it's far less appropriate. If you see like a 40-year-old man just fly a kite, it's like, what? I mean, you feel like where's your Batman kite?

There better be a key at the end of that. you better be in a storm I've got my number what's your what's your line jay oh man this is this is a hard one um what percentage of people have flown a kite people peeing in pools flying kites I'm gonna go 18 I'm gonna go 18%

oh 18 18% I think have In the last year yeah I think that's a good line Did you write yours? I didn't write I'm gonna go okay I got mine I mean I'm the record I'm the goose for the record I would assume we're 0 for 6 in this building of have you flown a kite of the last room? Of course, which is why my number is

5%. I'm under at 5%. I'm going under. I was at 9%. Okay. Mike is the closest. The correct answer was 8%. Man, I'm so good at this game. So Mike I am the winner. But I'm not the loser. No. I'm the goose, baby. That's what I get for name in the game. That's stupid name. Yes, Andy. All right. Well, that was, uh, that game is fun. That was a good time. We'll go ahead and take another break, come back with the draft. The Spitballers Draft.

All right, we are drafting items for an alien time capsule. So, Mike, we're all going to pick four items to put into a time capsule things we want to leave behind, I guess, of civilization or whatever. you want so that the aliens can find it and get something out of it, I assume. I don't like going first here. You set the tone for the crowd. Yeah, I'm setting the tone for what we're including. And I don't know which direction I want to go. Yeah.

You're going to have a little fun with these aliens? Are you going to try to help humanity out? And I'm not a very helpful person. So I'm going to leave a nuke. Well, yeah, something like that. No, but so. I thought it would be funny if you left

like an intergalactic treasure map that the aliens come down and you're like there's some treasure. Oh, you're trolling them? There's nothing on that planet? Yeah, I put a big mark on Jupiter that says there's treasure. Come on. You should go get it.

An intergalactic tree. So they have to go to another planet? Yes. And find nothing yeah but they will be looking for it forever oh they'll know what humans are like i guess that teaches them pretty well wow tone set well i guess that's off my list darn um okay mike starting the troll of the aliens i had a slightly different approach okay um hmm which way do i want to go now i'm rethinking the order of which i'm taking these I think I'm going to give them a little help Because first they arrived and they got mistreated by you

Well, they're already gone Well, they're going to come back to the rest of it And so I'm going to give them something nice I'm going to give them something to understand humanity And like Andy said, this could be a million years from now So I'm going to give them a twinkie Because I know it'll still be good No matter when they arrive, it'll be delicious.

Oh, my God. And they will say, these humans knew what they were doing. I like them. You got any more of them tweakies? So we've got, I'm sorry, they would say, you got the, you got any more of these twinkies? That's, that's the actual. Space Elvis? This is a space elf.

You got any more than, uh, Framillon 5. Pretty old. Twikis from the earth. I can't even look at Jason. his lips. It is. It's buried curled. All right.

So we've got a fake intergalactic treasure map and Jason left him with Twinkie. I'll do a box of Twinkies. Oh, that's kind of you. Like, that's just, that's, that's a troll of trolls if you just leave one. But in millions of years, it's in the box and the wrapping gum, but the Twinkie's still there. The Twinkie's fine. It's airtight in there.

Okay. Um, well, great. Now I know which way the draft is going. You, you do you, brother. It doesn't necessarily match my list. I will leave them a sample of my DNA. Yeah, nice. To understand.

That's a good answer. Peak humanity. Okay. And who knows what they can do with that thing? You're wanting them to somehow. I don't know that my legacy could live on. Grow you again. And again, I'm looking to the future of,

I don't know. I guess this would be all-species, intergalactic enjoyment, joy, happiness, laughter. I'm leaving them an iPod with some spitballers episodes. Oh, baby! That's nice. That's nice. That will, that will, I mean, if you just think about how much we've learned on today's episode. In every episode.

And we've got hundreds of episodes. By the time the aliens arrived, we will have probably done 10,000 of these episodes. Right. in our robot bodies. Yeah, most of the learning of the world. Right. So that is a brilliant pick. Also, tell your friends about the Spitballers podcast and talk about it with them.

And they don't have to be human. Tell all your friends. Tell me all about it. All right. This, the pod needs to be obviously large enough to hold all of this stuff because, you know, this isn't like a little thermosized thing. No, it's as big as you want. Big as I want. Well, I want them to experience what is great about humanity as well. This is why I'm leaving with a Twinkie.

But I think one of the best things from us as a race, what makes us special, is not the math that we can understand, but the art that we can understand. I'm going to leave them a vinyl record player with a collection, an assortment of records. spanning all genres but country. Oh, nice. And I will delete that from existence. From the annals of history of humanity, and they will say, they had good music. Yes.

They will not know that we had. They will not know, you know, we will delete that. Okay. All right. That's brutal. When you got cancer, you cut cancer out. That's country. So.

All right. You just gave me a new idea. There we go. all right okay so i'm on the clock i have two picks um the first one that i am going to leave them of course with the incredible treasure map it will be a big red button that says don't push oh man you know they're pushing that mic is trolling these aliens hard i love it can you imagine if we went to a planet and there's a button it's like what would you do don't push to If we could read it, and it clearly said, don't push.

What would we do as a culture? We would not push it for a while. Yeah, but how long before we as a people would like revolt? The whole planet would end up bringing in a civil war over we've got to push that button. Somebody would run for president just saying, I'm the candidate that will push the button. Yes. Yes. We need to know what will happen and I will do it personally.

I hope the thousands of years after the millions of years of finding the button, once the alien civilization finally chooses to push the button, what happens, Mike? Nothing. Nothing happens. Just nothing. Not even like a fart noise. They'll just keep bushing it and be like, well, I thought something wouldn't happen. Batteries must be out.

It said don't push. Let's go get that treasure. Okay. I can't wait for your next pick, Mike. Well, just to really sell the joke, you have to have something. that's actually useful. Okay. So this one is not as funny, but I feel like it's sort of long lines with Andy's leaving

his DNA. I'll put in some human anatomy books. So they can actually understand what you all the parts. Yeah. What did humans look like? How did our bodies function? Are we similar? Okay.

So you're actually being kind here. A little bit. A little bit. Because it really sells the joke. But you're not going to, it's not like a book where the anatomy, but all the names of everything have been changed no legs are feet feet or legs no we don't talk about pinkies all right um the uh so it's back to me yeah it is okay i know this next pick because i wanted you know i want to celebrate humanity i've done that with music i've done that with yeah our culinary

arts yeah yeah yeah except for country um yeah yeah yeah i celebrated yeah yeah he celebrated yeah music a good stuff i don't want to shame us um so i'm going to do the same with more art with the cinematic universe and i i wanted to not inundate them with too much i wanted to pick one movie wow i want to leave them one movie one movie expresses humanity one movie expresses and celebrates the human condition and the life from basically

almost birth to death. Okay. I'm leaving him Forrest Gump. I'm leaving him. What? What? Yeah, maybe. You just undermine the entire thing. I have a copy of Braveheart on my list and I was positive

that's what you're going to leave. Oh, man. Braveheart's too good. Braveheart is an unbelievable love story. Look, I love forest but maybe he's not like a perfect representation of everybody on planet there's a lot of history he's not a smart man but he has a wonderful journey go you loved him a copy of forest gum over and you get to see a lot of decades through that you know so yeah i think it's the right call uh yeah man i think if you can leave the aliens one movie it's got to be forest go. Wow. Okay. I'm leaving him a movie as well.

Oh, the theme is fantastic. I'm going to leave him a movie. Okay. I'm going to leave him a copy of Ridley Scott's aliens. All right? This is what we think of you. This is what we thought you were going to be like. Monsters. And then because I take offense to the fact you're omitting country music, which I'm not, I'm not a huge. Are we going to put a Prius in here? I'm putting the manual on how to make a Prius. That's exactly what I'm doing. No, you are not. Humanity's going to know how to make one car, and it's in your face.

What? I am so happy I am dead a million years ago. That's exactly what I was going to do. You're going to put the instruction manual for a Prius. I'm fighting you. The only thing they will use that for, because they are clearly intelligent beings. Yeah, they got to Earth. Yeah, they got to Earth.

They don't need the manual to make the worst thing ever. They are like, oh, good. We can use this for fuel, and I will burn this man. I want them to think that you drove them, because all humans drove them. You have to title it, Andy, Jason Moore's guide. Jason Moore's guide to building my favorite car. Oh, my gosh. This is the rudest, meanest thing.

He's so stupid. Does he give a carving country out of our art? Ever done. You just ruined humanity to these aliens. Okay. That is a good idea to leave a picture of Jason, but just tell him different stuff about him. All right. That's it for me. Yeah. Oh, oh, I am back up. Okay. Um, in that case, I've got one last choice to make. Jason Moore's guide. Jason does not have a pick. He is frantic. Well, I have for Forrest Gump. What else is there? I've got other picks. The problem. The problem.

problem is they're all legitimate good like your like your anatomy but it's good to have a mixture I don't want to I don't want to I want to I want to stick with my theme of art and celebrating humanity okay we've got film we've got audio music yes we have the culinary arts of Twinkie of hostess the one thing that I feel like is missing is our literature of course I'm gonna leave them Harry Potter Okay, the whole series, front to Beck, I'm including the cursed child. Like, we're doing the whole thing. The illustrated version or just the text?

No, no, no, the illustrated version is beautiful, but it's not a good read. It's not a good book. It's too large? Yeah, it's, it's saying physically cumbersome. It's the same read. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not. It is not.

You don't, it doesn't feel the same. You don't experience it the same. I've tried. I bought them. I went to read one. I got them, too. They're nice. You've read the whole book in one of those. No.

No. They're a beautiful coffee table book. But if you wanted to read Harry Potter, I promise you. You got both. You start on whichever one you want. I know which one you're going to finish with. It's too big. How many times have you read the books?

I think three times through the whole series. When was the last time you did? Oh, gosh. It's been a long time now. Probably a decade. Shakespeare be darned. They're getting. Right.

No, I want Harry Potter and Magic. We're going with the best of humanity. Okay. Forrest Gump, Twinkies, non-country music. and Harry Potter. Non-country music. All right, Mike, you have one pick left. So I think with the last pick, you got to leave the aliens access to some treasures.

Not the fake treasures that you sent them on. The problem is if I accumulated the treasures, I would then keep them. But I could leave them something that's almost as good as treasures. It's an I owe you. it's just as good as cash you might hold on to that one yes i owe you yes i owe yes mike these poor aliens man that's good all right so um i don't think we did a lot to help well you two didn't I celebrated our culture

Forrest Gump non-country music Harry Potter and a box of Twinkies I'm saying I want to open that box They've got my DNA They got an iPod with this podcast They've got aliens It's on DVD

It's on DVD Yes You can't even go Blu-ray It's on beta max No you don't want to put that on Blu-ray the resolution It's too much It can't upscale

And then Jason Moore's guide on how to build a Prius instruction manual. And Mike's got fake intergalactic treasure map, big red button that says don't push. Human anatomy books tossed in like, oh, maybe he does care for us. And then an I owe you. What is that for, a space box or something? Yeah, there's going to be a few in there. There you go. There's a lot of different ideas, but those are the most helpful.

What did we learn today? Oh, we all know. We learned. Let's just share it. Yeah, we all learn that people are pee monsters. We're monsters. Don't pee in public pools. 66%.

That means someone in this room is lying. And you know that somewhere lying about it. That means two-thirds of this table peeves in the pool. This table is not like that. Hold it. I'm going to try it out. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.

Thank you.