Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Space Swimming and Different Ways to Say Hello - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

Spit Hit for Nov 21st, 2024: Come on in! Pull up a chair as we talk about Andy’s badingy, sharky waters, and the thin rim. We also have ‘Life Advice’ on today’s show after a long break. We say goodbye to this episode after a draft of ‘different ways to say hello’. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Howdy, hoody, come and get to know me, come on. Come and get to know me. Oh. Very nice, welcome in. I enjoyed it, but you'll be hearing from my legal team. Oh, is this a repeat? No. Okay. But the come on at the end. Oh, that's my Badingi. I was on a man's Badingi. You did never steal a man's badingy. Never.

That is, well, I mean, it's perfect. It's episode 225, Mike. You can enjoy my badingy when I'm using it. That is the saying. Welcome in, we're going to do a show now. But it's mine. We're going to do a show now. It's not, technically you can't call it your badingy because that violates my-

Oh, that is true. I was just putting it in terms that he would understand yet terms that you cannot use. Yes, like Super Bowl It's the big game, right? So a bading II. We have to call it something else. Yeah, everybody finished. Come on Would you rather life advice and we are drafting different ways to say hello on today's show So different greetings different different hellos. I like it. Yeah, it should be fun. Give you something to use in your day-to-day life. Yeah, just make your impact, your first impressions that much better or worse. Or worse. According to my list, potentially much worse than just a

simple hello. Yes, yes. At Spitballerspot on Twitter, thank you for subscribing to the show, for following it, for leaving us a review, for telling your friends. This is episode 225 somehow. 225. Incredible, the amount of wisdom we've. Making our way.

We've doled out so much knowledge and wisdom and know-how that the world is clearly a better place. I was gonna say, if you want proof of how good this podcast is, look around and see how well the world is working and there's the proof. Exactly. The charts are up.

Would you rather? Would you rather, question from Jackson over on Patreon. Would you rather be able to breathe underwater or be able to breathe in space? Okay, now... Yeah, we got problems already. Of course. I think what this means is survive underwater or survive in space because breathing is one problem in space but breathing won't help when my body immediately freezes. Yes. So is this the ground rules here are maybe survive underwater, survive in outer space, or we

just getting breathing and nothing else because then that's an easy underwater. Yeah but you're having to make the assumption that you can get to space right? Yeah. So like so if you go and you and you go with survive in space There is still a technological Something I can go jump in the ocean right now, right or even your pool, but I can't go that deep Right because of the breathing because no because of the pressure I mean what the surviving underwater and you're saying the pressure is irrelevant now? Yeah, well, the pressure is irrelevant just period.

I mean, look at scuba divers. If you acclimate to it, like eventually you just do the thing where you close your nose and you blow out. Not to a certain degree. Oh, scuba divers go very deep. Well, no, I mean, you can't, there's special submarines to go certain distances. You certainly cannot go to the bottom of the ocean.

You're talking about like a small difference near the top of the ocean. I'm going to see what's the deepest you can scuba. This is a great question. I'm not saying you can't acclimate and go deeper. I'm just saying you can't really explore the way you'd want to due to pressure. Well, I, you know, I'm gonna disagree with you there, which is once you get to where the pressure is really going to affect you, I would imagine it's dark,

and you're not exploring anything anyways. Swimmers can hit 20 feet. Experienced divers can safely dive to about 40 feet. Well, that's not scuba. Yeah, that's not with a- Yeah, it's a scuba divers. I looked up here This is from ocean explorer dot no aa dot gov

Technical divers may work in the range of a hundred and seventy to three hundred fifty feet sometimes even deeper That sounds like they've got some special equipment, but while the recommended max they are wearing scuba gear The recommended maximum depth for conventional scuba diving is 130 feet. Did you say the recommended depth? Depth. Oh, okay. Because that is also the recommended depth. Yes.

Around 150 feet is the ideal depth to have a depth. So you know, this is you can go down, but I agree. Obviously in order to have this question have any relevance, you can also get to outer space. Well, then no one's No one's taking the ocean. No, I will take the ocean I Don't think you recognize how Incredibly boring Infinite black like it'll be incredible to see the earth right you're up there you see the earth from space

Unbelievable you're done. You're you've explored everything you're gonna be able to reach also There's not enough cool stuff in the ocean to keep me coming back for more versus getting to every night It can go out and just chill and float around in space But how do you move in space when that's this why this whole question sucks? Hey, don't I'm just trying to break it down here for our fine supporter on our Patreon. The problem is it can go broken down a thousand depths. Yeah. Or in your case, 150 feet.

But that's what we're here to do. I mean, what do you mean how do you move? You're not getting anywhere in space. That's my point. It's like if you're outside of the ship and you can just... We're saying you can survive in street clothes out in space, you still have no way to propel yourself. You can't like swim?

No, no. Really? Even if you let, sure. Let them swim in space. Okay, fine. You're not covering enough ground. No, no, no, no. Yes. No, obviously. That was my point. It's like once you see the earth and that's cool, there's nothing else you're gonna be able to reach even if you can, but I wanna rewind this for a second.

Are you telling me like when you're out there if I were to like do the swimming motion? Correct. I'm not propelling myself forward at all. That is correct. Whatever force you were able to like, that got you moving so you pushed the ship and then which... That's the end. That's the force. You will continue to move that direction and that speed infinite. Yeah, forever.

Until you get, I guess, you get pulled into a gravitational pull. Now, if you do the motion in the same direction in which you're propelling, it will look like you're swimming. That's pretty cool. Space swimming's pretty sweet. Here, I'm going to, I mean, this is a would you rather.

It's subjective. I'm formally going space. Because at the end of the day, yes, you can do more exploration in the water and see a couple things that will get old as well And you are you're gonna have to swim to do it and the ocean is pretty big. I Just think it at the end of the day I'm gonna want to go chill in space with that view more often than I want the ocean view and that's all it is Yeah, I mean the the view is spectacular than I want the ocean view and that's all it is. Yeah I mean the view is spectacular from outer space but I want diversity and change I want to see the

animal life and you know no sharks please. Well you can't get rid of the sharks. Well you know I'm gonna not go in the sharky waters where it's safe. So you're gonna have the ability to breathe underwater at shore. Yeah. You are, cause everything else is sharky waters. You're gonna see me two feet in the water laying face down. He's hiding in the coral. No problem. He's just hiding in the coral. You are overlooking. You are instantly the world's greatest Marco Polo player. You are. That's a good point, Mike. You could be be how could you overlook that I'm I'm like noted that you that you did I mean jump above Marco and Polo yes and they

they're only two in the list right now you'll be undefeated if you want to go into like synchronized swimming you could you could be the best he may be talking you into space I also think that just simply using this in my pool in the backyard would be super cool. I'm just, I'm swimming underwater all day. I'm impressing everyone. Let's say you have this power in the ocean and you're on like the deadliest catch, right?

And you're working on the boat in the middle of the Bering Sea. Okay. It's honestly the scariest landscape I've ever seen. Like that genuinely, like the idea of stormy, dark black ocean with no land within thousands of miles. And it's freezing. In freezing cold. Now you jump off because it's like a party trick, right? Everybody else is like doing their work and you're like, peace. And you lip off. Oh no, I fell! And then you can survive in the ocean. Yeah.

But. We're saying temperature-wise you can still survive. Yeah, same in space. Everything, yeah. Okay, all right. Sharks can kill me. Yeah, but like you're dying, right? Because you're gonna not have food.

There's plenty of food in the ocean. Yeah, it's swimming all around you. You couldn't catch a thing. I could catch a fish. In the water water is it filled with like Fiji water cuz you're gonna need to drink, too Yeah, I mean look there are problems But I'm gonna get back on that boat. Okay. All right Mike. What's your final answer here? I'm gonna move on I'm taking the water. Yes, I'll take the water Eve if I have to get The Costner gills from Waterworld you still do that I

think you want the gills yeah that's an upgrade you're just one gills man it would be awesome total insult to your space oriented you know you've always enjoyed space yes and here you are with the chance to float around in it pretend in your swimming it's just around, and you're getting all the radiation. Like, it's a problem. It's a problem. All right, Madison from Patreon, would you rather have, let's get back to something a little more up our alley.

Yeah. Madison wants to know, would you rather have to poop in the middle of the woods with no toilet? Been there. Or have to poop in a public restroom with no toilet seat. Public restroom, no toilet seat. That is as gross as it gets. We're just saying, so it's like the toilet is still there, but you don't have the seat part. You have to sit on the thin rim. Yeah, the thin rim. The thin rim. Which, look, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't have the badonkadonk to handle a thin rim.

I'm going in. I think that's a dive you got to Well, you got to change your orientation. Yeah, I gotta go one cheek up. No, you got a face you got a face Like yeah horse, couldn't you still stay the same direction but just go like super light wide legs Yeah, but you know, I think that there'd be a problem because you could go super wide super wide legs You're saying a problem for excavation. I'm saying a problem. Evacuation. I'm saying falling in.

Excavation. We're going in and getting it out? I'm going to pull this. No, no, no. There's a leverage thing there because you're still falling in. Really? Yeah, there's enough of a tipping point. Not for you. Okay, yeah, I've got the pedometer. I'll be fine, but I will be uncomfortable. You will. Just picture a really skinny person with long legs and a wide, thin rim.

Like they can't really support themselves enough without dipping. That's fun for what I'm picturing. You're going in. Can you go to the bathroom submerged? In the water? Like if you just kinda commit yourself to like, I'm in the water.

I could poop in that ocean. I mean, if I'm in the water. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just talking about a dip Well, I think I think that'd be pretty hard to overcome. Yeah, there would there would be a There'll be some some red flags there to your body some backwash Yeah, he's getting in hmm. No, but it's getting all over Yeah, I mean it's not pleasant. This isn't something I'm asking for. Your butt cheeks are in there, so everything is contaminated immediately. I don't see the problem of pooping in the middle of the woods.

No, that's what you do when you go camping. What? There's no one else out there. But you have to find the woods. Are you instantly transported? Yes, you're in the woods. Was this Narnia? I go to my bathroom and it's the woods?

No, I thought this was a question of like a one-time event. Okay. You know, like, like you gotta go poop. Which is the better place to poop is basically the question. I've, I'm, I'm not a camper. Now, so when you're, when you're deucing in the woods, is this a squat? Yeah, it's just a squat. It's a squat.

And you've gotta use, you gotta use leaves and stuff. Well, that's just a squat. And you've got to use leaves and stuff for a wipe. You're saying in this question, not when you're camping, I mean I bring toilet paper when I go camping. You don't get teepee. In this question you've got to use what you got. And the one real risk in the woods, and I've had this risk, I've had this risk just peeing in the wilderness I've had this risk. Bears. Well yeah that's risk, that the woods. Just peeing in the wilderness, I've had this risk. Bears. Well, yeah, that's risk. That's at the tippy top of the list,

but just general animals slash pests. Yeah. Because midstream, if you know. You hear a rattle? Mike, you just tweeted. I was gonna bring it up. Go ahead. I was in a restaurant the other day

and went to use the bathroom just. Congratulations. I don't know the story. Just a normal, it's not a huge story. You don't follow them on Twitter. It was just, went to use the bathroom just- Congratulations. I don't know the story. Just a normal, it's not a huge story. You don't follow him on Twitter. It was just, I go to the bathroom, you know it's just stand up number one at the urinal. I'm midst, midst business and I look around,

there are multiple mosquitoes. Oh no. Flying around and I am mid, I'm in the middle of things, and a bit vulnerable. You gotta stay focused. You're vulnerable. I'm very vulnerable. You don't have a mosquito net.

No, there is no net protecting me, and I'm like, whew, whew, whew. It's blowing on them. Because my hands are occupied at the moment. You have to use both hands. That's, I mean, you're... I'm always telling you you're an impressive man.

Now, you said, I mean, you were pooping at the cabin and there was a spider and you... Oh my gosh, it was the worst thing ever. You bidet yourself. Yes, I'm mid-watching on a bidet. You bidet yourself. I bidet myself because... He leapt up.

I've got the bidet life and I'm cleaning the job that's been done. So I'm mid-wash and there's a spider crawling towards my foot. I don't have voluntary actions at that point. I am up out of that seat but now I'm getting sprayed all over and I wasn't like done with the wash. This is a real problem. I had to, I had to rewash. Oh man. Well, I had to drive first and then rewash. The best part of that story was his entire family had just left the cabin. Oh yeah. So this is his first action alone in the cabin. Completely alone. Um, which I suppose is better, but, um,

but like in the woods, you're telling me you were just, you're able to maintain that squat position I think you can get there you are, but there's there's two different ways you can do this okay one is You you have to Completely release one leg from the pants you can't obviously Squat yeah with the pants okay. probably should go full Donald Duck. Yeah, I mean, full Donald Duck. You cannot do the squat poop with the shorts around the ankles. That's going to be a problem.

What about a crab position? Or you can't a crab position. Where you're like on your hands and your feet with the backup because then you can get away from animal I think I you brought up slowly you brought up whether or not you could succeed with your Butt being in the water or whether that would stop you the crab position would be a full stop body would not allow that excavation process. The other option here if you don't want to remove one leg from the pants is you hold a tree and squat backwards.

Yes. You're holding... That's the preferred. Yeah, that's how I do it. That's what I would go with. Wait, that's not a backwards, that's just a squat while you're supported. Take a look in the Slack channel. It's not backwards. Yeah, I a squat while you're supported take a look in the slack channel. It's not backwards

Yeah, I'm seeing there's a lot of the different they call it the pole dancer Yeah, when you're holding on to the tree, that's the that's the way I want to That's how I do it which is wait. What do you mean how you do it that? You've done it more than once. Yeah, I've gone camping many a time. You said you would hold it through a whole camp I usually do I usually can make it through a camping trip, three days, hold it. But sometimes you've got to go. The break dancers.

You fellas have strong legs. I think I will do all of these versus the possibility of tumbling into a public restroom toilet. You won't tumble in if you face the tank. I'm telling you, you'll be safe. He also won't poop. No no not to mention the embarrassment of someone coming in and seeing my feet aiming that direction sitting down they just or walking by you sit down in the stall next to it and you look over the wall I

can't imagine what I would do in that moment. I think I would just have to laugh out loud immediately. All right, we need to move on. I'm gonna take the middle of the woods for lack of embarrassment. Final answers? I'm in the woods. I've got my technique.

Okay, Benny from Twitter, would you rather be able to talk to ghosts or be able to walk through walls? This is presuming that ghosts exist. That's a big part of this question because I might be able to talk to ghosts right now. Here's the thing with the if you're gonna take the talk to ghosts, I mean I guess you could gather information, but that is you start with the are ghosts real? Perhaps you believe in them, perhaps you don't. But here's the thing, nobody's gonna believe you

that you say you're talking to ghosts. Right. Yeah, I mean, that's true. You just look like you're talking to nobody. What is the advantage of walking through walls? It's awesome. Bank robbery, oh, I guess you can't carry your materials. No, so does that mean? What are the rules about walking through walls. It's awesome. Bank robbery. Oh, I guess you can't carry your materials. No.

So does that mean? What are the rules about walking through walls? Do your clothes go with you? I think the clothes have to go with you. So then you're not leaving the clothes up against every wall you go through. Well, it's just the first one. Well, you've got to put clothes on in the next room.

You better be walking through a wall to a closet, brother. That would be a nuisance. You'd have a robe hanging up in every room. Yeah. But I mean, that would then imply it's whatever you're touching can go- Yeah, you can bring everything with you. So then I can rob a bank? Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. Sweet. Yeah, but then you're a robber. Not that I'm going to. You're a bank robber. You're still- I could. I could, police.

Walking through walls does not mean you get away with bank robbery. Oh, but you can't. You're still on camera. No, no, no. Yes, you do. Because unless they put you to death, you escape every prison. Yeah.

You cannot be contained if you can walk through walls. Also, you're never contained. Also, you just walk up to the back. You don't have to go through the lobby. You just go up to the back of the bank where the vault is and walk through. You don't think there's cameras in the vault? You don't think I'm wearing a mask?

Okay, alright. I didn't think you were wearing a mask. Weave a stab at it. You're one step ahead of me already. You are quite a white collar criminal over here, Mike. The wall one would be very valuable. The ghost one is ridiculous. I mean, I don't know. I mean, what?

I don't want to talk to ghosts. If ghosts are real, I don't want to talk to them. Let's set a default for what, if I say today, if I tell you the breaking news on the front headline of the paper, it says ghosts exist. Okay. And you are now making your presumption of what that means. What does it mean? Because it could mean friendly relatives from the past are ghosts that still live and walk around you. It could be horror oriented. It could just be anything. What are you thinking?

If it says ghosts exist and this is now tomorrow morning, ghosts exist. Confirmed. That is that to me, that means dead people who are stuck in some bad state are now among us Because they haven't moved on? Yeah like that's my mental picture Or they're just in the next level Sure but that's not my mental my mental picture is that they are trapped and sad and upset They haunt things because they don't have anything else to do.

Exactly. There's only one friendly ghost. That's been established. That's Casper. Outside of that, they're haunters. Yeah, you wouldn't have to say. It would just be Casper the ghost. If you knew that they were going to be friendly, you had to qualify it.

So all of your relatives, they turn on you? Well, they're not ghosts, hopefully. Look, once my relatives get to a certain age They're already upset and that's while they're alive. You think they're happier dead. They're gonna be Grumpy yeah, you don't get to eat when you're a ghost. Are you that's hungry. That's it. You're hungry. Oh, man Yeah, I mean what a nightmare Love eating so I mean do you have what do you think of when you say a ghost are you are you going to? What's the Patrick Swayze movie ghost?

Man there was this movie about ghosts You did a lot of ghostly things Yes, it was. Great movie. But in that one, I mean he was just like... Well he was trying to get... Was he trying to get back? I don't think I've ever seen Ghost. I think he was just trying to protect her from being...

To find who killed him. He was killed in a robbery and he was trying to... Help her find who killed him. I think all ghosts are people. As soon as you're a ghost, you're in a Victorian outfit. That's a good point. Okay. Like only old timey people can be ghosts.

Now I think that will change hundreds of years from now, right, like this. No. You think that's it. So when we, you and I pass on, if we stay as ghosts, we are now in Victorian outfits. That is correct. Now what about people before the Victorian era? They also became Victorian outfits like it was like a preview cavemen inherited a beautiful Victorian robe. Yes

Incredible. Well facts I will take walking through walls Please walking through walls is awesome. Should we move on or do we have time for another? Let's do one more. Okay Should we move on or do we have time for another? Let's do one more. Okay. Josiah from the website, would you rather always have magical access to the most luxurious and clean bathroom ever? Wow, we're in the bathroom again. Or never need to change to charge any battery ever again.

Would you rather have always have magical access to the most luxurious and clean bathroom ever? So you never have to worry about public restrooms. Anytime you're out, you just access to the most luxurious and clean bathroom ever. So you never have to worry about public restrooms. Anytime you're out, you just transport to this really nice bathroom. I see the benefits from that. I'm trying to figure out the battery part. Well, the battery, I mean, I get that.

Like an electric car, okay. You can drive it forever. Well, you don't have to charge your cell phone. Yeah, you're so. I've been so inconvenienced. That time where I'm. You never have to charge your cell phone. Yeah, you're, you're, you're so. I've been so inconvenienced. That time where I'm. You never have to take that watch off. Where I'm not awake.

Can't use my phone, I just charge it. There's, there are times. Talk me into this. There are times that you have had your battery low. There's no way you haven't experienced like, oh man, I'm running low, I need to charge, I forgot to charge. I think it'd be more about the innovation. If you knew that that was your power then

you could you could get anything battery powered and it would be infinite for you. Your laptop's good. I mean literally at CES they did you see these battery powered televisions that they have? I did not. These are amazing. So they're hot swap batteries that each battery will give you six hours a day of TV use for a month. And so the TVs have no wires and the TVs have like a little vacuum suction on the back so you can pick them up and you can put them anywhere. I don't understand they have a pump that suctions the back. So we no longer have to do all the annoying mounting. There's nothing like that. So that that part is that's awesome

Well, I'm confused the six hours a day for a month. They're just saying that that would be the average That's the average One bad for one battery and so you have one charging and you have one that you swap and I think it may be it It has like two in there at once and then when one gets low it lets you know and you swap them But you can lift it up. You can put it anywhere. It's a 12 inch TV And then when one gets low, it lets you know and you swap them. But you can lift it up, you can put it anywhere. It's a 12 inch TV. It looks like a watch.

Yeah, it's basically... No, it was really cool. But like the technology would begin to emerge where, I mean, think about it. Houses run on generator batteries. Well, you'd never run out. So you're not paying a power bill. Is that free power? It's free power. Okay that's what I'm saying I need to be talking. There's a little bit more, a few more perks there than the whole like, now if I'm sitting on the couch and I got a pee and I can blink and I'm on the toilet in

this luxury bathroom and then I blink again and I'm back on the couch. It's not just clean it's luxurious. Yeah there's a bidet in every stall. I mean, it's, are there mints? It's a luxurious bathroom. Of course there are mints. Is there a person giving me the mints that has to live in there? User choice. Yeah, that's what I was saying. That's something you find out about yourself

when you go in that luxury bathroom. I didn't know. I wanted this. I was a bathroom attendant person. For the record, because you know, I'm a... You're pro. I'm a... You're pro. I'm a fancy schmancy... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm I'm your pro. I'm a fancy schmian

Fancy restaurants mancy boy. I'm a schmiancy boy. Thank you. That's the right word and that is exactly who I am I'm a schmiancy boy. I am Extremely anti-bathroom. Okay And that's where I figured you guys might think that I'm in on that. Because you know, a lot of times- I would have thought you were in on that. Yeah, where you- I would have thought you would have liked tipping a bathroom attendant. Yeah, I mean, I do tip them.

And maybe on the basis of how good your poop was. But I hate tipping a bathroom attendant because, one, who has cash? Right. Tippable cash, like- They have to have, they have to take e-payments now, right? I hope not but oh just touch like nice I'm saying like the bathroom attendant hands you something and then just holds up the QR code, but it's Just so Awkward and the worst part is if you're at a place where you're there for a while

Okay, so I've been in this situation before where I go. Oh, because you've got to see him more than once. Yes. So now I've gone in there. I've tipped the dude. I was generous. I gave him a 10-ski and took the mints. Yeah, you're a smancy boy.

And then I'm like, I don't want to go to the... A 10-ski? Just depending on what I have on me. Like, I don't... The awkwardness of it does potentially... I don't open up a cashier drawer and be like, well, do I want to use my ones or fives it's like what do I have and so maybe I give them my watch sir something nice but later on I'm like I don't I have to pee I do not

want to go in there because is he gonna remember that I already tipped him if you win a 10 ski that you're you've prepaid you oh you're good your tab is closed I get that completely. I have no responsibility. You don't have to tip. Tipping is optional. And then if I know I've already tipped in, I should be able to go in there and leave, no problem. I should get a high five on my way out the second time.

But they might not recognize you. But that's my fear. And I'm just like, that's like, I'm all worried that I'm going to go in there and they're going to be like, what a jerk, he didn't tip me. It's like, no, I did earlier. Do you make small talk with them? Do you say something like wonderful poop? That's not usually my go-to. Okay. All right, you need to use a real over-the-top

Accent oh so that they remember me introduce yourself. Yeah, just cry key water jumbla Water Jumbler! I don't know, I'm just saying. Is that the name of a... A real growler! A mighty one! They'll remember you. Oh boy, we need to move on. Yeah, the bathroom attendant thing doesn't seem...

It's just an invented... Like what would be another job that doesn't need to be done that you could just get tips for? Like is there anything out there that... I mean obviously you have people run up to you in the street and clean your window and then they want you to tip on it. Sure, that's not an official job. That's not a job. No, they- That's being homeless.

They are not employed currently. Well this is the, the problem is it's completely unnecessary. Yeah. I was gonna do this. Could you get tips for just holding the bathroom door open and like opening the door and closing the door? As long as you have a vest on. Oh, you need the vest.

Yes. Or a cummerbund. Yes, that's fine too. What if you came to take out your garbage and then someone's out there just waiting by your garbage because they took it out. They're on the street already. They know your time. And they're just waiting. Sir, I took your garbage out.

Be like, what are you doing? Go away. You are onto a service though. The garbage man? Yeah. No, no, no, no. No, someone who actually pulls your cans out. Sure, there you go. From the backyard. Please!

Like, and put them in. Yes. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, it was just like... You should be able to upgrade your trash service from the trash company. But that's actually, actually, I think you're on... the way that there's old school paperboy routes. Yes. Or I'll mow your lawn. There should be a kid in every neighborhood who goes around and But that's actually, I think you're on the way that there's old school paperboy routes or I'll mow your lawn. There should be a kid in every neighborhood who goes around and just says, hey, I would

like to offer my services. They know the day. They know the day. They live in that neighborhood and they go around and every neighbor subscribes and it's just five bucks a neighbor. It's like nothing. But they got 20 neighbors. So now they're getting a hundred bucks a week just taking out everyone's garbage, putting it all in.

Come on, kids. Grow up and make something yourself. That's a genius idea. And this started from making fun of that idea. Wonderful. See, we do affect the world. We do. Now let's dish some advice out.

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Everything's real chill. Yeah. That's real chill. Let's take it easy. Because we're very serious. When you give advice, I mean, you gotta be calm and cool. Well, Sophia is over on Patreon. She says, my family and I were recently invited

to my brother's wedding. Here we go. Congratulations. We were also excited to be able to celebrate his special day with him until we found out that his fiance was planning to have the ceremony in a very non-traditional way. She wants to have it on a boat in a different country, which means that all of us would

have to fly overseas to attend and my family and I are all very uncomfortable with this idea. But we don't want to upset my brother. What is the best way to approach the situation without causing drama or making it worse? Bad news Sophia. Yeah. There's going to be some drama. Or at least a drama mean Nice. Oh, I like that. Thank you Okay, that'll work. I didn't push it. Oh, all right, but yeah step one. I mean look Non-traditional you go with the boat. Okay Fine. Do we need to combine these things with a destination wedding?

Well, I mean, maybe they're taking the boat to the destination. As they get to the end, they're going to get married on it. This is like, can you pay money to have seasickness to celebrate my wedding for me? Yeah. I mean, there are some pros and cons here first of all, I think like I'm huge into big traditional wedding ceremonies I love I love the tradition but whoever's getting married they get to decide like that if they want to get married on a boat They want to get married on a beach. They want to get married in Thailand or wherever They get you don't get to decide that But maybe you can bribe them out of it.

You know what I mean? It's their decision. But what if it was all expenses paid at the high-end regions? You know what I mean? What, you're saying you have to pay? If you're trying to get out of this, you can't just tell them, no, I don't want to do that, you shouldn't do that. You can't do that. But that's the real life advice. Let's say it's settled. How do you approach not attending?

Because there's no way for you to not attend and not offend, right? Oh, you have to attend. You must attend or you will offend. Yes, you have to attend. But it's expensive. How? Okay, this was brother. Can you send a tribute from the whole family like one person goes as a representative for the whole family the question here, it's upset the brother what level of

Relative do you have to be before you can you can opt out? I think as well immediate family stuck for sure. Yeah, okay And then my parents are stuck like is cousin cousin's cousins can skip it Yep, okay as soon as you're past the nuclear for me. I am it's Clear yeah, I get what you're saying the nuclear family. So I would say nucleus. No, I think I get what I said It's nuclear family. Yeah, that's that's that's the word. I've never heard it called that Like the center of something is called the nuclear It's not the nuclear.

No, it's a nuclear family. A couple and their dependent children. Is it nuclear? Yes. It's a basic social unit. I have learned something. I don't know why it's called the nuclear family. Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

Maybe it's because that's happened in modern day since nuclear times. I don't know. There's not a thing like that. Now we got to find out. There wasn't a nuclear generation. times I don't know but that's there's not a thing like that well now we gotta find out there wasn't a nuclear generation why is it called a nuclear it's also known as an elementary family what yeah people making stuff up all right but anyway so you're saying immediate family you have to go core

members yeah nuclear yeah i like the corporate but yet so you don't think grandparents are obligated to go on that trip i don't think i would use your old age if you feel obligated absolutely yeah my back my weak knees get head over the ocean i'm on social security that's a victorian ghost here's an easy way out guys i just figured it out i'm not alive anymore. No You're going you RSVP'd you're absolutely going

The day of departure Can't find my passport. Oh Destination destination wedding don't have my passport. Whoopsie. I'll send you a gift. Yeah, that's not a that's not a bad way out It's's better than the awkward conversation No, I will say this in truth if you cannot afford a destination Right like all right Some people it's like I don't want to go I can afford it But I I just don't want to go and they're gonna forget their passport, but there are certain family members It's like I can't just travel to Tahiti I don't have Iiti. I've got 50

bucks in the bank. And at that point, you've got to be allowed. You should just go and say, I would love to attend. I cannot afford it. You can either pay for me to go, which you do not need to do, or I'm out. And we love each other. I mean, that's their choice in going destination. I was going to say, if you don't actually want to go and you use that excuse, there we love each other. I mean, that's their choice in going destination. I was going to say, if you don't actually want to go and you use that excuse, there is the risk that they'll pay for you. And then you do have to go. So you've got to be willing to accept that.

It's a free vacation. But that's a free vacation. All right. Liam from the website, my roommate and I are both in our late 20s and have been living together for over a year. We get along pretty well, but there's one issue that has been causing a lot of tension between us. My roommate has the habit of not flushing the toilet after he's done. I've asked him multiple times to please flush after he's finished, but he always seems to forget

or ignore me. I'm so grossed out about it every time. Yeah, well is this a number one or a number two? I have to, I mean it could be any of them. I have to go to the bathroom after he's been in there and see his poop in the toilet What do I do besides continuously reminding him you run you escape This do you think that that's a sign of yes potential psych psychopathy. Yes, I have I look I

There was a time in this studio, I forgot to flush once. There was. I did, I don't know how it happened. I have no idea. It seems impossible that I could've walked out of the bathroom without flushing, but it happened, guilty as charged. Mike, I apologize, you walked in,

and we gotta lift that toilet seat up, whoa, There's someone else's insides. It was occupied. I mean, that's like, I don't get embarrassed. I don't embarrass easily. That's one of the most embarrassing things I can remember. If you are, like you get one strike, this is not baseball rules. Mike, if you find another one of my turds in there, you get to just put me down. Take me out behind the shed.

I'm out. Yeah, I'm done. You run from this roommate, Liam. This guy is a psycho. In Liam's defense here, this is a roommate. I was not really in the roommate game for quite long, but I've heard it is a difficult thing to navigate. Yeah, everything else is good other than the poops in the toilet. And now, is there a weight? Is he four?

That's like, if he's four or five, I get it. They're still learning. Do they make a weight-sensitive toilet flusher seat? So once you put weight on it, it like loads, spring loads. Okay. And when you lift thy booty, it flushes the toilet. Interesting. They have automatic toilets, Andy. These are already done and it's not like a weight, it's just like most public restrooms have these. I guess they do. I don't know why I was inventing something new for the home. A motion sensor.

How much do those things cost, you think? I mean, spare no expense for this problem. Not too much. In this situation, it can't cost too much. Okay, but so let's say you can't do that though. What, I mean, you fight fire with fire? Oh, you dump- You poop on their poop? No, that's not fighting fire with fire. No, that's... Don't you leave it. No. No. Till somebody flushes the ultimate standoff? Oh, man. Where everybody loses? Then eventually you can't flush it.

That isn't... You imagine having guests over? I'm not flushing. You flush. I have friends that were in a roommate battle, but the roommate battle was related to dirty dishes on the countertop and Eventually one friend they were tired of asking so many times they just started leaving them there and the other friend started leaving them as a payback and It was like a back-and-forth until the countertops were not ever that sucks

And so you're stuck about that first room. They didn't even care this first right wouldn't write about they'd be like Oh cool, bro. It was my son or two. I don't know. I mean cuz they they come back in the toilets always flushed So you're doing them a favor. Yes. Look at it. This is a huge problem. There should be a penalty system I'm okay if somebody if I have to flush for you How much money do you have to put in the jar every time you make the mistake for me to feel like it's a net positive? Well, a hundred bucks of poop. It's it's a quarter. I mean, they're not doing a quarter 25 cents for a pee Oh is a thousand dollars for a poop if you're gonna not flush. All right, don't flush your pee, right? Save the water. I'm playing it. Whatever. I mean gross cheerleader. Yeah, but no, you flush number twos every time.

Okay, all right. So the answer here, Liam, is automatic toilet or find a new place to live. Yeah, fair enough. Let's draft. Today's show is sponsored by our friends at Greenlight. Today's show is sponsored by our friends at Greenlight. As your kids get older, some things about parenting get easier. You know, they can clean up after themselves.

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My family has had Greenlight forever. I love the chores feature. I set them up with the chores, and it was like, hey, is the chore done? Yeah, just click the button, and then that's gonna add to the allowance that they get at the end of the week. They don't do the chores, they don't get the money. It's that easy. It really does

help manage the money and teach the kids about it. Sign up for Greenlight today at Greenlight.com slash Ballers. That's Greenlight.com slash Ballers. To try Greenlight today, Greenlight.com slash Ballers. The Spitballers Draft. All right we are drafting different ways to say hello. So this is, you know, paint that picture. You're walking up to somebody and you're, and you're, uh, you're not saying hello. You're saying some other variation of hello. And I'll be curious which ones people pick because they do say something about you. Yeah, there's, I think mine might go a couple of different places. Um,

and there is not a one-on-one of this draft. There's no, there's no Michael Jordan here. Um, I'm going to go with one that I use from time to time. It was the first word you heard on this podcast today. It's howdy. No, come on man. It's the one that I needed. Yeah, I mean you needed howdy? I needed howdy. Yeah, Andy's got a lot of country in him. If you say Howdy to a certain age demographic, you earn their respect immediately. Because you can say it different.

If you say it to another, you lose it immediately. You can say it different ways. Which demo do you get the respect from? Older adults. You say people I don't give a crap about? Oh! You're almost one of them, Mike. Oh, not even.

No, I'm not even close to the Howdy generation. You're getting close. You're getting real close you should try it. But Jason just drafted it 101. Yeah but the thing is is there's a serious Howdy and that's what you use with the older generation. Howdy and they respect that they go, Howdy partner. But there's also... The entire old generation are cowboys? Well, they're They're from the time before electricity But there's also just like there's there's a there's a

Casual howdy version of howdy where it's just like howdy, you know that That was that wasn't it. No, it's just howdy Yeah It's it's a better as a response to a hi. If somebody comes to you and says hello, and you go, howdy, that's the least intimidating howdy. That's the least twangy howdy. It would have been my one on one.

I'm absolutely devastated. It's on my list, but it would have been howdy stranger. You throw the stranger in, just to pull away from the West. That's right. Pull away from the West. That's right. Pull away from the partner. Yeah, but here's the thing. They aren't a stranger. I know who they are.

Oh man, next level. Unfortunately, that's the 101 to me. It's unique. I do use it. I haven't heard you use it. I've used it. I've used it here. I've said howdy to you in the morning.

All right. I'll take closer attention. All right. Maybe include the partner. For you. For me. I'm going to have to take a real layup here. I'm going to have to go with a classic, a simple. Look, it's not flashy. It's the core of the greetings.

And I'm going to go with hey. I'm going with hey. Sure. Hey. It's simple. Yeah. I don't have to explain it. You know what it is.

You've used it all the time. It's not hello, it's hey. You, I don't have to explain it. You know what it is. You've used it all the time. It's not hello It's hey, you guys are going with real short ones minor Minor a ridiculous. Okay. Well, my list has some of those. Okay, so you're just going with this simple Hey, all right, howdy. Hey and Mike and I'm going with Fuck it. So I'm up. Yeah, I got two picks here with my first pick. I'm going Look with the cat dragged in. Wow. Yeah. All right. We're taking this draft in a couple of different directions here. Not what I expected. I can tell you right now, every one of my greetings is one word or two words. Wow. See? So you took it to another level. Look with the cat

dragged in. That was, I brought this draft up to my wife when I knew we were doing it and that was her first one. But she couldn't find the word. She was like, look what got dragged in here. Look at what's dragged. It was like in a bar, like look what got dragged into the bar. She couldn't find it, but, uh, look, look at what the cat dragged in. Wow. And then I'm going to follow that up with a. You can't say that to a cat. That's not a casual interaction.

Like you're walking past somebody in the street and they say hello and you go look what the cat dragged in. I'm just saying it's a certain situation. It's a little more nuanced. This can't be a stranger unless you're trying to really say that. It can't be a stranger. No.

Okay, go on. All right, and then the other one. Look what the dog dragged in. Now I'm gonna hit him with the super formal. So you were, your howdy is for older folk. Yeah. This one, I mean, this one's just completely gone because you gotta get both words in there.

You get the greetings and salutations. I wanted it. I wanted greetings and salutations. It's high up on my list. It's so bad. Greetings and salutations. Oh, that's wonderful. Again, it does accompany the Victorian era.

If you're trying to greet a ghost, I would go with greetings and salutations. See, I had shortened it. I had greetings on the list. So I have hey. Mics are very interesting. I have to go here because I'm worried about it. I'm worried about it getting around to me and I feel like I need a little bit of a spice. Okay. After drafting, hey, you need some spice? So I'm going with what's up. Hi. I'm going with what's up.

Oh, okay, all right. What's up, what's up? It's classic, it's not wassap. It's just what's up, all right? Yeah. Jason, you're back up. All right, I know my first one here. I got the Howdy, I got the Howdy partner, you know, kind of as an unspoken rule as a follow-up to my howdy.

But I'm gonna stick in the western theme here. What? And this one only works if you have a prop and you're talking to a certain person. Okay. It is. What? Ma'am with a tip of the cap. Oh. You gotta have a cowboy hat on. You gotta you gotta you gotta do the. We're like we're having props now. Well look you have look what the cat dragged in. I'm going ma'am. That's not a hello. I love ma'am. It says so much. It says so much. We you see you could be respectful You know what if you're talking to an old man, and you say ma'am. I would say howdy I've got it covered Mike. Yeah, he's good the dudes get a howdy the ma'am's get a ma'am ma'am But it's respectful with the nod it's it's the tip of the cap. It's ma'am

I'll take this cap all the podcast listeners can hear you Know what I'm doing. All right, so now that I've got ma'am and howdy part of you're on a hot streak I I feel the need to go somewhere else. I I'm getting out of the West and I'm going to the tropics where I've never been where Mike has been and Andy you are going soon and I'm taking Aloha. It's a good one. I mean I want to have the lay around the neck and a greeting of Aloha in my life in the near future. I don't know anybody that lives in Hawaii that doesn't adopt all that language because it's so friendly

on the tongue. Yes. That is hello and goodbye? Is that right? Yeah, I mean they just, they do what they want. Yeah. I like it. And it feels good.

I want to say hello when leaving so much. Like, could you imagine just like, you're about to go away and you're leaving the door and you turn around so we say hello You just walk out Feels weird. That's what they're doing. All right, so you got you went with ma'am and aloha ma'am with the tip of the cap I have hey and what's up? And I'm gonna go with hey there Okay, I'm going with hey there. So you have a and hey there. That would be like me drafting howdy partner. I got it already.

That's true isn't it? Can I pivot? No! No way! You are stuck! Hey there. Hey. I can't wait to see his next one. You don't understand how narrow my list was. I was looking for real part and parcel substitutions for the word hello. Hey ma'am I didn't know we were drafting like long formal greetings. I mean I just drafted ma'am. That's one word No, yours is good. All right. Yours are all good. I like I like it though. Hey there. I've used it It's if you don't see if you're not in the mood for hey throw a little there in there All right, my draft is terrible. You spiced it up. Yeah, You got it. Man. It's a paprika. What is that, garlic? All right. A little habanero over there. The worst part is I thought I was doing something

original when I said it. That's what's amazing. I'm going through my list and like, oh, there's hay and then there's hay there. Yeah. totally different. All right. Hey there is more For what it's worth. That's like recognition. If you say hey, you can say it to anybody. Yeah, you say hey there That is someone you care about. That's true. That's true. That's why it's so spicy All right, you're not here you're there So I have a look with the cat dragged in greetings and salutations. Oh man, hey there, it's so good.

Really feels like you got an extra one when you say you got greetings and salutations. Well done. Because no one's like salutations. Actually you can do them separately. You can, but it's not. I think you could do greetings separate, but I think Mike's right, like you would never.

Salutations. You could say salutations. Yeah. Yeah. You cool it. But not in the West. You could say dogwood, but like, you don't do it, because that makes no sense. I'll try hey there. Let's see.

Hey there, partner. We are gonna go, I'll go with one that's a little bit more simple here for my third pick. Just a simple, how's it going? Okay, yeah, how's it going? That's a greeting. Just a little more modern. It's certainly better than, look what the cat dragged in. It's more friendly.

Yeah, I mean that's, I think that's probably one of the most common actual real world used, you know, by probably the three of us. It's like, how's it going? How's it going is probably my default. If you don't take the word how and is and combine them, it's a horribly awkward greeting. You have to say how's it going. You cannot say how is it going.

Oh, you had the contraction, you gotta hit it in there? I'm just saying, it's interesting. All right, and the last one. Oh interesting. I like it The last one is ridiculous and I guilty have used it. It's a little bit of a longer bond, but it is in fact Well, well, well, what do we have here? Well, well, well, what do we have here? I was trying to literally I'm looking at my list.

I say it's boring and stupid. I'm in the middle of writing the words well, well, well to try to find something unique and special. Fantastic. It is the most dadliest of dad greetings. Well, well, well. What do we have here? Wow. That's for when they show up late past curfew.

Exactly. Well then I look, I need a whole lot more spice on this group. Uh, hello there is, is available. I don't think anybody has drafted high. That's also available, but unfortunately I need to match my competition. So I'm going to have to go with fancy meeting you here. Oh that's a good one! There we go! He's in the game! It's not quite hey there! Fancy meeting you here. Yeah! There we go! Welcome! I like it! Welcome in! I like it! Welcome to the drafts! That's a good first pick! Yeah but have you tried What's up? Yeah. All right. So am I done yet? Or do I have another one?

No, you're good. Yeah. Yeah. Are you done? So I'm finishing up here. Howdy. I've got howdy. Ma'am.

Ma'am. So I got the Western and then I've got the Aloha. I've got the Hawaiian. Yeah. So I feel like I need a destination here. I'm sticking with my theme of like cultural Versions of greetings and I'm going with Good night, mate

Good that's a good one. Good. Hey, man with the good day. Good. I got I might yeah No, I mean I would say good day, but I don't know if I don't know if I can do it without I Had a hard enough time not putting shrimp on the barbie after that like I We are the worst Hello culture we are just going to characterize you into this one word That's from ace Ventura like that's that's where it's from for me. It's that's it Well, no, I'm just saying that's what the shrimp on the barbie. Yeah, isn't that dumb and dumb? Oh, yes. Sorry dumb and dumb Oh, man, that's embarrassed. That is Boy, all right. So you're closing it out with good. I don't know man

I just like classic Jim Carrey and said he's with towards who are you on me? Shame on you a robot. Good. I might That's it By the way, as you might expect I had a lot of very short other options. Yeah, what do you got? I have sup. Okay. Yeah, I have high. Yeah, nice. I have yo yo is very good I have Bonjour. Oh, that's a good one. I have the day times Yeah, I would have been the other one. I would have gone morning morning times Daytime no, but morning. Yeah afternoon Morning. Daytimes. Daytime. No, but morning, evening.

Afternoon. Afternoon, yeah. Those are the only three acceptable daytimes, right? And that's a strange thing. Could you have drafted a nod by itself? The hat tip by itself? As a greeting? I guess, I don't know.

Well, isn't it different ways to say hello? Well, I mean, you are're you're saying it with body language Doesn't say different ways to greet someone Sure Doesn't get too deep in there. Otherwise, you're gonna end up disqualifying. Looked. Look at what the cat dragged in now owl has Given you a little bit of a perk here I don't know if you see he's this is probably how the it'll go out for the poll. He's given you exclamation points.

It has helped. It's not just hey it's hey! No it's better. It's much I'm looking at it. Hey there! I thought my list was trash and it is but it's not as trash. He spiced it up for you. I don't see exclamation points anywhere else except for hey there. Could I have gone with hey mate. Could I have gone with a mate or? Could I have gone with oh, oh, that's a good one Boy, oh, I think that's a greeting. Oh, that's definitely a greeting. It's a it's a word that has many purposes It's a good word What did we learn today I genuinely learned that you cannot swim in space. I thought you could propel yourself with your arms and your legs.

You cannot. So like if I flap them, if I had flippers on. No. Because you're not pushing against anything. There's no air. There's no resistance. Did you think there was space water out there? No, I just, I mean I get it.

Like I understand what you're saying. Just it's hard for me to wrap my mind that there's like, no propulsion, nothing not like, like gas that's expanded so much further up. It's just it's absence. Yeah, it's like a vacuum. It's like the vacuum of space. Mike, did you learn anything today? Yeah, I learned that I may be underestimating the future of batteries. That's fair and you also learned the nuclear family thing. Yes, oh I learned that you both don't really like space the way that I thought you

did. That'll do it for today's show thanks for tuning in supporting the show supporting the podcast give us your ideas head over to jointhespit.com support the show and guess what we're gonna do another one of these. I promise next week. Enjoy. Goodbye Good I thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast Hello to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballers pod.com