Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: A Balding Constellation & A State Animal Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

Spit Hit for May 23rd, 2024: On today’s show, Jason explains why unlimited free Starbucks would be a curse to him. We also talk about a big guy in the sky (who is losing his hair) and play some ‘Man of the People’ before heading back into the Colosseum for a battle royale of official state animals. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Okay There were no words in that roar Oh that was one continuous roar? Yeah Let's go with that Mike It was a flow

It was a roar flow I mean it was abrasive That'll take Oh the claws were out Yeah I like that you did the monster hands Yeah I mean, it was abrasive. That'll take... Well, the claws were out. Yeah, I like that you did the monster hands for those watching along. He did. He did put them out.

You know, I didn't even know what I was doing. I was letting the inner animal come out. Yeah, well, I mean, you were trying to stick with our theme today. We were drafting... Well, we're back in the Battle Royale territory. It's been too long. It's been too long and we're drafting the State Animal

Battle Royale on today's show. That'll be our draft at the end of the episode. We have Man of the People back on the show today. I can't wait to have a dominating lead only to be defeated by one of you in the end. It's my favorite part. And would you rather on the show today as well?

Thank you for joining us. Appreciate everyone here, including Al Borman, who is in the building. That's so kind. Yeah. I appreciate you. Yeah. Who will be in the gladiator arena at the end of the show uh with all of the animals and we'll see what happens kind of like the ringmaster so he's gonna come out into the coliseum take center stage yeah and

while he's there we really we release our animals the animals and then we i think he'll be okay yeah these are wild push-ups he does and i imagine he'll just start singing Greatest Showman style. Yeah. This is the great... Someone help me! It's not a good show. It's terrible. Add SpitballersPod on Twitter.

Thank you for listening. If you want to be our best friend in the world, you can review the show on Apple Podcasts or over on Spotify. Click that follow button. Tell your friends about the show if you want to make their lives happier, and we'll get it going. Would you rather?

Stevie from the website, would you rather have to roll your eyes every time somebody tells you something or have to sigh heavily every time you're asked the question? Man, this is brutal. I do think a lot of times those go together. A lot of times when you're doing the sigh, you're making the eye roll. But we got to separate these so we understand the nuance of just an eye roll or just a sigh the eye roll says your response was stupid the sigh says your question was stupid or a waste of my time or i'm it's a sign of impatience right the sign is like the The sigh feels far.

What do you want? What do you want? The sigh feels more aggressive to me. It feels like I am looking down upon you more. Like I've rolled my eyes at someone for something they've said when I found it silly. Or like, oh man, you're so gullible or whatever. It can be playful. man you you're so gullible or whatever it can be playful the sigh is like it's always a downward upset you're an idiot i am so much smarter or better than you i don't think there is a

which let me way to play off just going let me ask you this mike Mike. Yes. You're in a situation where an eye roll or a sigh is the response you'd like to give somebody, which is more difficult for you to suppress. Just in real life? Yeah, in real life, because I'm trying to figure out if the difficulty in suppressing it shows which is worse.

Like you really want to give an eye roll, but you suppress it, or you really want to sigh. I think an eye roll is harder. To suppress? Yeah, it's just, it's a physical thing of you just naturally do it. Yeah, sigh, you can kind of exhale quietly. Yes, you can.

And you can kind of catch yourself doing it and change it into something else. Like a – True, true. No, I just had to – sorry, I was clearing my throat. True. Great question.

Great, great question. Where the eye roll – once the eye roll begins, it's done. It's been fully executed. You can't do like a, oh, oh, oh, there's something in my eye. Well, I mean, that's how you would have to play it off. Right. What if there's something on the ceiling on the great question something on the ceiling you're looking at oh did you whoa did you see that up there was there there's bats now there is there's bats do you have a bat in your house there is nuance i really did i saw a bat it was up there there's

there's nuance here because this is you have to roll your eyes every every time someone tells you something okay so they're just telling you any story they're telling you what happened your wife is sharing uh just some information dreams whatever you're rolling your eyes at it but the sigh heavily is only when you're asked a question so if your wife says less frequently if your wife says we're going to a birthday party on Saturday, you roll your eyes. I would have to roll my eyes. If I pick the exhale, the sigh, I can choose not to do it,

which I would still do it. I mean, to be fair, I would do it, but I couldn't choose. You would eye roll and sigh. Yes. If you sigh heavily every time you're asked a question, but you keep yourself so busy that the sigh seems justifiable, is that an escape? You're running in place.

You're always being interrupted no matter what. No, you're always out of breath. Yeah. Look, I think the eye roll is the one I don't want, so I'm going to go with the sigh. The answer to this question is easiest to answer like a maze in reverse okay okay also pro tip if you're doing like a maze on paper start at the end it's super easy to complete that maze it's just one path um

he's not wrong it's a little cheat code to life but which one feels worse to receive like if you're do you get more upset if someone exhales or do you get more upset if someone rolls their eye and as i say this out loud i know which one is worse i don't know to me it's the eye roll yeah it's they're both really bad they're both really bad awful like i'll i want to punch you in the face if i get that but an eye roll is like breathing is part of what you're doing already so you're just kind of adding to your norm the eye roll is i'm going out of my way to show you physically what a dumb dumb you are and it really feels insensitive so i will yeah that's my final answer as well yeah sure uh rusty from patreon would you

rather have a constellation of your face that is named after you fixed in the night sky every night okay so every night people look up they see your face or have a holiday celebrated in your honor on the closest friday to your birthday where everybody gets the day off work so the whole okay the whole country gets a day off of work because of your birthday approaching. This is literally like, what do you got Friday off for? Oh yeah, that's Jason's birthday. What? Now

the constellation. Is this the nonsense like the current constellation? No, no, no. Like the Greek constellations where they're like, hey, it's the guy shooting the arrow. And you're like, no, it's not. That's Orion's belt. Which ones? You can kind of see one of them. That's the guy shooting the arrow, and you're like, no, it's not. That's Orion's belt. Which one?

You can kind of see one of them. That's the buckle. I see so many belts in the sky. This is amazing. Clear and obvious. You can't look up there and see a face. You look up there and see Mike's face. This is the Mike Wright constellation.

I mean, it just looks. That is a lot. That is a lot. That is a lot. You're thinking it's like too much pressure? Yeah. Look, we all... You all want some respect and adoration around, you know, from peers and from people,

but your face is up... If it's like, you know, not a photographic quality, but you can tell that that's your face beaming down. Here's the thing is if that's a lot if it's up there in the sky everyone gets used to it right we only think one moon is normal because we've always had that moon there if there were 10 moons since you were born it it's 10 moons but the but the moon often looks cool what i'm saying is that I don't think I want the one that like... Mike's beaming tonight.

Oh, you're saying there are days when the constellation looks a little nicer? Yeah. Oh, man, the clouds are covering Mike's face again. It's a clear sky, and the stars are extra bright tonight. Hey, aren't you that guy from the sky? Big fan. You may recognize me. You may recognize me from such things from the sky would be big fan would you you may recognize me you may recognize me from such things as the sky that's a really funny question would you be the most famous person

on the planet because that's global right it doesn't matter hemisphere hemisphere there's there's some constellations wait a minute there's constellations that i can't see. Yeah, you can't see the Southern Cross where we are. For real? Yeah. Ba-da-doo-doo-doo-doo. Breaking news. I cannot see constellations from the entire globe. Some of them. I don't know if it's all of them, but the Southern Cross is a Southern Hemisphere only constellation.

Wow. Wow. So here's the thing. Would you feel a pressure to not shave your beard? Yeah you're well is it in the constellation or is it not or is the constellation adapt just whatever like however you look at the stars so it's like if i wore glasses that day my constellation would have glasses that means over the last 20 years my constellation has grown it's gotten a little rounder pretty cool you see the way that these stars are expanding the night is a little more lit up than it used to be i can see everything

um is there additional stars well the the stars on the very top have started to go away so i think we're gonna be You know, they're just dropping down. Go to the jowls. You got some shooting stars up there. Yeah. The hair just shoots off every day. Um, the other one,

I mean, the Friday off is great, but I do feel like, look, there's a lot of days people get off. Does that magic get lost too, or is it just? Yes. I mean, is there going to be a whole set of greeting cards from Hallmark

that people are handing out around Jason's birthday? I don't think so. I don't think there's President's Day cards. Okay. We get the holiday off. You don't think there's some like. I don't believe that Hallmark has. Happy President's Day? Nope. I don't think so that's yeah that would be a weird card to get that would

be super weird uh yeah there's not enough like rows on on the uh card aisle to have every so this is just i mean there really isn't a benefit to having your face in the sky other than the amazing novelty so cool there's no actual benefit can you can you play that off to something like are could i'm going to make plenty of money if i'm so because yes i'm gonna have a bunch of books if i'm the face in the sky people will probably no are you gonna write this as like hold on he's going religious leader i was gonna say if i'm in the sky there's no way there aren't people that think i am oh you have followers for sure i have followers yeah yeah you're not just on instagram no no you like sleeping on your lawn i will be able to go up to people and tell them to

do things and then when they say no i will point yeah and i'll say i'm watching you about that and then they'll say let us carry you on our shoulders would your children respect you more would they think like you could just tell them i mean from the time they're a baby you just let them know i'm always watching from the sky a real Mufasa situation. Yeah. Yes. I mean, all of that fun aside. That's a benefit to me. It is a benefit, but it could also become a curse pretty quickly. Having your birthday off for yourself. If this was you just get your birthday off every single year for your whole life and you don't have to work.

That alone. No, it's work that alone it's the closest Friday wait it's the closest Friday it doesn't happen to be on my birthday but it's more of my birthday alright but my point is everyone in the world it isn't as cool it's definitely not as cool because I would what happens with your

birthdays on Saturday or Sunday then you you don't get nothing off it goes it goes to monday oh okay yeah i mean we're still following yeah these benefits are overwhelming here but i i think i'm gonna i'm gonna be a giver with this and i'm gonna take the holiday for everybody and i'll be the deity go ahead mike i give light yeah with my face i'm shocked i thought for sure based on this question and how these normally go i thought these would be exact opposite i thought i'm taking the face of the sky and you guys are giving something nice to others jenny from patreon would you rather have unlimited free coffee wherever you go including the fancy lattes etc or unlimited free adult beverages wherever you go

okay let me tell you something about coffee yeah it sucks now i like coffee i have coffee from time to time it's not that good it's really not interesting is that really kind of i'd say piss poor take uh that's fine i know it's very popular and let me take this a step further because coffee at home is one thing that's nice you get to wake up and it's usually just coffee it's not like a frappuccino latte americana yeah this this would have been a better uh scat by the way but yeah thank you uh this the starbucks or or any chain coffee chain that you would now get for free is a nightmare to me i hate going to those coffee places, those coffee shops,

having to order drinks I don't understand, and then I just, I don't like anything about it. Like, if you told me all my coffee is free, I feel like that is a curse, a curse I don't want. Because you'll feel obligated to go get it? Yeah, and then other people will be asking me,

like, hey, dude. Give me one. You got to pick up coffee every morning for the office. Okay, the only thing I agree with was the last part, which is I don't want to be the coffee boy for the office. You think that doesn't apply to adult beverages? Oh, yeah. Oh, but I'll get that.

Hey, the round's on me. Everybody, what's up? Round on this guy. I mean, one of those is way cooler. How come no one has never done that? That shows up in movies. Like the people at the bar celebrating. Hey.

When you're in there, the whole bar gets around. How come no one's doing that at Starbucks? Because Tom Cruise isn't at Starbucks. Getting off of his fighter jet, buying everyone around. I just saw an all-inclusive resort. And one of the perks was that there are multiple Starbucks on the property, and you could just get free drinks the whole time. And, like, that would be awesome.

Yeah. I mean, Starbucks is great. Too much of either one of these beverages is a problem. Yes. No doubt. But I actually think too much of the coffee, like... That's a panic attack. That's a bigger problem.

People don't really house tin coffees the way that they might have a problem and house the adult drinks. But the reason you don't is because your heart would explode. I mean, you're not getting a DUI on the Starbucks side. No, obviously, but that's because you can't just keep drinking coffee. I mean, what's the max coffee you can have? Some people can have a lot. I cannot.

I'm pretty sure that I think there were some people that did too many Red Bulls and their hearts might have ended. Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things where it's like— But that's a lot of coffee. It is. Jay, have you ever had a mocha? I have, it's one of those things where it's like... But that's a lot of coffee. It is. So, Jay, have you ever had a mocha? I have. It's okay.

It's good. I like... A chai tea latte is good. Those are okay. I mean, they're nice drinks. And also, did you know you can order on an app? I have done that. And then you don't have...

Because I'm with you that I am not a coffee professional. Still to this day, I don't even know what all of the coffee drinks are. So I've been in a coffee shop, and they're like, okay, what would you like? And you look up, and it's like I'm reading a completely different language. I'm like, ah, ah, mocha. I i know what that is so i will get that if if we had a game show on this on this episode we do that was specifically what is blank and it was coffee drink i don't even know how to answer like if they said what is an americana i would go it's coffee i don't know sometimes i don't even know how to put words together in the coffee world to say what it is.

There are lots of cocktails that have different mixes that you don't know off the top of your head necessarily. Sure. You still order them and get them and you like them and drink them. What is an Americana? That's not just American coffee? I think an Americana is water and espresso. Gross. What?

That's what I think it is. All right. I thought it was plain coffee. It's an espresso topped with hot water. Boom. Boom. Who won the game show today? I had no idea.

Yeah. Would you like? I mean, well, this drink is pretty bad. You're going to need to pour some water on it. And the espresso is really concentrated. Es concentrated espresso is just a tiny little caffeine shot instead of having it it's a tiny shot of concentrated coffee and then

that makes it more of a cup an Americano makes it a cup versus mixing milk into it so an Americano is like a mixed drink where just the espresso is like a shot yeah yes and here's what i'll say al makes a good point he sent it through on the slack here most people in their day-to-day life they're having maybe a couple coffees they're not necessarily drinking every single day right and so from a practicality of free like look al you from time to time you offer the studio here

you'll be swinging through starbucks right and you get your uh drink and you get drinks for everybody else yep now once in the morning one in the afternoon you just get free coffee every day are you using that yeah every day yeah i would use it that'd be a caloric problem both of these would be a caloric problem. Both of these would be a caloric problem. But the way that I look at it is one of these is not that great. That's coffee. And also, that's like five bucks a drink or something like that.

True. You go to a dinner and you want to order a little cocktail off their menu. That's 15 bucks. Yeah. That's a three to one. Yeah.

But let's just... You said there was a side effect to the coffee. You'd go there and you'd feel the pressure and people would want you to get it. Is it going to be good for your health? The word unlimited in front of that. When you go to that restaurant and you see unlimited, that's not going to be good for you. No. No.

Both of these are going to be very bad for my health. I'm going to go coffee. Mike, final answer? I mean, I'm an adult, right? Yeah. Rounds on us. Should we move on to Man of the People or do one more here, Al? Let's move on.

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all right let's do it Man of the people. All right. Another spectacular man of the people. Got to prepare my area. No, don't even worry about it. Just wait for the last round. That's what I'm preparing for. Three points goes to the person that buzzes in first,

two to the second, one point. Not who buzzes in first. Oh, I'm sorry. Three points to whoever gets the highest. Number one answer. Al, you can go ahead and explain the game. Why don't you just tell me how to play the game? If you guess the number one answer, you get three points.

The number two answer is worth two points. Any other answer on the board is worth one point. And then the final round is worth double points. We're doing seven rounds. Sounds good. Be ready for that seventh round. The round oh we're going we are going hands on table hands on table name something that the sign outside a hotel might tell you no smoking that is the number four answer i I got my points. Read it again.

Name something that the sign outside. Yes, you did. Okay, I'll stop. Valet. That is not on the board. What? Yeah. Okay, read it to me again.

I know the number one answer now. Name something the sign outside a hotel might tell you. No vacancy. That is the number one answer. Let's all laugh at Mike's funny answer. I didn't laugh. Wow. I clearly did not understand this question.

Vacancy. Wait, lobby. The nightly rate. The hotel's name. No smoking. This is motel town, man. That's where I was so hesitant. If you said motel, I would have gotten all those.

Yeah. I'm thinking there's a big valet hotel, man. For sure. We're going to the Four Seasons over here. I got the number one answer, so I don't see what the problem is. Okay. All right. But I do agree.

That's where I was frozen. If you told me a motel sign, I'm going, it's like cable TV is here. Was that one of them? It was. It was the number five. Yeah, there you go. I'll talk to our production staff about the verbiage. Fancy hotels.

Like, we've got cable. Dude, I remember passing them. They'd say HBO. If they had HBO. Yeah, a motel. Yeah, a motel. Yeah, exactly. You're not pulling up to the Venetian.

And they're like, no vacancy. The sign out front, no vacancy. I think that question sucked. All right, go on. I thought it was great. All right. Round two. Name something a kid might get in trouble for writing on.

The wall. That is the number one answer. That's the number one answer. Yeah, baby. Keep an eye on those buttons. I'll reset them. I'm going to go with furniture. We got to go to the judges.

Yeah, that's not on the board. Okay. Oh, thanks. I will buzz in last. I'm going to say. You need to waver your buzzer, sir. Oh, thank you. All right.

The body. That is the number four answer. All right. The body? Let's hear which one you disqualified for me al i'm going the desk then yes the number two answer was your school desk yeah then clothes how does furniture not count for that that one's tough yeah school desk if your peers want to overrule you or if judge giamatti has a strong go to. Yeah, the judge can make the call on that. It counts.

All right. I got one point, guys. You got two. That was the number two answer. Don't thank me. Thank Brooks. Thank you, Brooks. All right. Yeah, yeah. A school desk versus furniture.

That's weird. Furniture feels like your home. I stand by my denial. The ruling's been made. It has, yeah. The Supreme Court overruled. All right, round three. Name something people do while riding a roller coaster.

I am in first. Scream. That is the number one answer. Yeah. Oh! Oh! Andy got in first. What? Was your hand on the table? No, I watched. It was answer. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Andy got in first. What?

Was your hand on the table? No, I watched. It was fair. Fair game. He got there first. They raised their arms. That is the number two answer. Yep.

How many answers are there? Five. Two. Mike's out. What? So you scream. Vomit. That is the number three answer.

That's where I was going for three if I missed it, for sure. What were the other two? Yeah, I'm curious. Laugh and close their eyes. Okay. Yeah. I guess that makes sense. I thought there was two answers to this.

Yeah, you scream or you put your hands up or like, do nothing. All right, through three rounds, we got Andy with four, Jason with five, Mike with seven. Okay. All right, we're doing all right. We're going on to round four Other than academics why might A teen choose a certain college Sports

That is the number one answer To party That is the number four answer Come on kids get it together I'm gonna go Their friends That is the number four answer. Nice. That's a good one, though. Come on, kids. Get it together. I'm going to go their friends attend. That is the number three answer. Also worth one point. The number two answer you guys missed is location.

Oh, yeah. And then the number five answer was cost. Who's put location above a good party? Come on, people. Moving across the country. This school is in a terrible spot, but man, do they know how to party. I am here to party. One of the guys here gets free unlimited drinks.

It's a weird thing. Somebody just gave it to him. One of the other guys' face is in the sky. I'm going here. All right, we're moving on to round five. We got name something that you can get in extra large. You hadn't reset these buzzers. Name something that you can get in extra large.

A soda. That is the number four answer. What? What is happening? Number four? All right. A shirt. Wait, where?

It might never went orange. Well, they must have because I hit. I think Jason hit it simultaneously with me resetting. And Jason, you got the number one answer. Yeah. What did he say? A shirt. Yeah, that's a good answer.

I mean, that was like the first thing that came to mind. Pants? Technically, the number one answer was clothes. So I will let you go again. You'll let me go again yeah i have no other answers three two come on one all right a seat french fries that is the number two answer pizza is the number three answer and eggs are the number five answer what i don't think jason had yeah like when you go get a carton of eggs,

they say extra large on them. I know, but I don't... I would have never thought of that. Does anyone think of that? When you're shopping for eggs? Five people of the hundred we surveyed did. Did you? Nice.

We're doing some really good survey work. When you guys are in... Not at all. Picking up eggs, I just, I go... I mean, I do the... I do the free range. Yeah, the free range. I don't ever look at... How many sizes of eggs are there? That's a great question, I do the range. I do the free range. Yeah, the free range. I don't ever look at how many sizes of eggs are there.

That's a great question. I have no idea. I only buy caged and angry. They're so cheap. Horribly mistreated chickens. Depressed. They have the best eggs. All right, on to the next round.

Oh, me and Jason are tied now? Yes, through five rounds. We got Andy with seven jason with nine mike with nine andy you are starting this one from behind so maybe you have a chance at actually winning in the final i i i take uh some umbrage with this extra large thing for eggs because i am seeing now the eggs are now sold in four different sizes small large, and very large. This does not say extra large. I have definitely seen extra large eggs. I don't think I've seen very large.

Oh, my. Sir, this shirt does not fit. Do you have a very large? Oh, man. I like it. I'd like the number one, very large. All right, we're going on to round six this is the last round of normal point scoring then we will have our final round round six question is name a job in which you'd stand in one place all day uh i will go with the uh toll booth guy

that is the number four answer toll booth willie a cashier that is the number four answer. Toll booth Willie. A cashier. That is the number one answer. Oh, let's go, baby. Oh, boo. A bank teller. That is the number two answer. Okay.

All right. We're back. Impressive. All right. So going into the final round. Commanding lead. We got Andy with eight. Jason with 11. Mike with a one point lead with 12 oh crap okay reminder that this round is worth double name a big expense that

some adults plan for years in advance oh i got it first a house that's the number four answer that wasn't what i wanted to say at first. Vacation. Yeah, that's what I wanted to say. That's the number one, isn't it? That's the number five answer. Oh, what a loser. A car? It's going to be college.

That is not on the board. It's going to be college. I win. It's going to be college. It is child's education. No, I almost went college. Child's wedding. Retirement.

Buying a house. Family vacation. You lost, Mike. Jason won with 13. I'm sorry, Mike with 12 and Andy with 10. I just had to get on the board. Oh, you had to do it. I was just putting it in.

Yeah. And I went. You took a full back swing on the butt. Mike's revelation that he lost was so entertaining oh i almost went college all right congratulations jason you are this week's man of the people i love this game how's it not house i know seriously um that speaks to our economic situation in this country. What was number one, though?

The child's education? Yeah. I do think that people probably save for child's education for more years than they're saving for a house. Yeah, that makes sense. On to the draft we go. Jason, the man of the people. Today's show is brought to you by your friends over at Masterclass. On this podcast, we like a few things.

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Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at masterclass.com slash ballers. That's 15% off at masterclass.com slash ballers masterclass.com slash ballers. The spit ballers draft. Well, the Coliseum was getting a little dusty and, uh, The Spitballers Draft. Well, the Coliseum was getting a little dusty, and we cleaned it up. Time for another Battle Royale.

We are going to go with the State Animals. The State Animals Battle Royale, assembling a team of four of the State Animals to fight one another, of course, to the death. We have made a determination before this draft. It's important that Al hears this. There are some states that have the same state animal. We are not allowing those to be duplicate drafted. Which is pretty embarrassing for whichever state came along second.

The second state, yeah. Or the fifth. The United States very into the white-tailed deer. Yes, everyone wants to lay claim. When they all hit their buzzers, they all said white-tailed deer, and they just gave it to everybody. Which really, as a state animal, this is on whoever determines those. You shouldn't allow duplicates.

You should have made them pick a different animal 100 it's like going to get a copyright and they're like i'm sorry that is uh that that's already trademarked yeah so jason you have the first pick in this draft unfortunately it was who i was as a scatter i'm starting with the claws out and I'm taking the grizzly bear. Unfortunate. I see. The apex predator and there are several great animals. Which state?

I am going with Montana because California's grizzly bear is extinct. I thought I could get you on that one. Yeah. The California grizzly bear no longer exists. That's a shame. Yeah.

Sorry. I wonder how different it was. The California one? Was it just like with a surfboard? It was much bougier. Yeah. Look at it. Sunglasses, bleach tips.

Yeah. No. Look, I think that the- A lot of people don't. The California grizzly bear is not tech. I use the word extinct. They just moved. They just...

Oh, they... Yeah, they were like, the taxes were too high. They're now the, what, like the Florida grizzly bear? They're like, I can't take this traffic anymore. No state tax. Yeah. Roar. All right, so that was, in my opinion, a worthy, the best one-on-one.

Interesting. my opinion, a worthy, the best one-on-one. Interesting. I'm going to go with another animal that has the most size, massive, powerful. Oh, come on. Has weapons. I'm taking the moose. Yeah.

I'm taking the moose because, look, I did a little research before the draft. I know that the grizzly bear, look, that's a formidable adversary for the moose. But the grizzlies, they like to go for the moose calves. Because it's a big fight with the big moose. So I need something big enough to kind of be my stalwart here. Yeah, according to. Was that going to be your pick, Mike? No. Oh, okay.

No, it wasn't. I mean, it should be the number two. But that would have been a backup pick. Yeah, it's a great pick. But according to ChatGPT, in a hypothetical encounter, if the grizzly bear is determined and the moose doesn't manage to scare off the attack, the grizzly bear would likely have the advantage due to its predatory nature, experience of fighting, and formidable arsenal of claws and

teeth well not the california one all right that one's claws and jaws is a powerful argument claws and jaws let's let's announce the state too as oh i'm sorry yes so there are multiple moose options but i will go with the more wilderness moose of alaska as opposed to that's a rugged moose a rugged moose and may has a moose as well but opposed to the- Oh, that's a rugged moose. A rugged moose. Maine has a moose as well. Yeah, but they're really into lobsters. Yeah, that's true. How is lobster not Maine's-

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like animal? That should be their animal. Yeah. No, that's their crustacean. Each state has their own crustacean. Probably.

Probably. Now, we're in the Coliseum. Yeah. Is there water anywhere in this Coliseum? You bet there ain't. Oh, there ain't? Oh. I've been given the...

I have fallen on the sword a couple times for the lack of water in the Coliseum. Right, but you picked before asking the question, and I am asking the question before I make the pick. How many Coliseums historically have been water coliseums? The coliseum had water in it at times. Look, there's no way I'm voting for the coliseum. How many different?

I mean, I guess there's the coliseum, the ancient one, and then there's the coliseum. Didn't I draft a mermaid or something? Yes, King Triton. Well, we've had water battle royales we had in the coliseum oh they're not in the coliseum uh they're in open water okay where are you on this one jason look i'm not the judge we have a judge in the house so that's that's it's all right i appeal to the supreme court brooks is saying no i guess all right i would say yes if in this case well

so you would say yes, he would say no. So what's the official answer? I don't think Brooks said no. I think he deferred. Well, judges can't defer. Yes. There we go. Okay.

So that animals are allowed. I'm sorry. Water animals are allowed. I'll tell you right now. There ain't going to be no water in there. You can pick a water animal. But in my head, it's suffocating. You're going to be flopping.

Flopping. Well. going to be flopping. Well, thankfully, most of these water animals breathe oxygen. All right, yeah, it does breathe oxygen, and it eats animals off of the land. So I will take, from the state of Washington, I will take the orca whale, because Shamu don't take no crap from nobody. They are known as the killer whale. Yes, they do have that nickname. And all we have to do is run. Shamu, don't take no crap from nobody. They are known as the killer whales. Yes. They do have that nickname. And all we have to do is run.

Well, yeah, but you eventually have to come fight me, right? Nope. No, I don't. I just have to sit down and watch. That's what I have to do. I just have to not go by your mouth. Interesting. Unfortunately, I made a large list of animals and then deleted all water animals from the list.

Oh, I see. That's why you voted for no water. Yeah, because of all the other drafts. Go on, Mike. So, in the end, Jason, it will come down to which one of our animals can go the longest without eating. Yes. So, I will take the killer whale, and then I will take the

tank of land. I will take the bison from Wyoming, which I never know if a bison and a buffalo are like the same thing or if they're just slightly different. But I do know that they are. The bison's a great pet. They are extremely dangerous and it's going to take a whole lot of attack power to bring down my bison. You needed a tank.

Yes. And a a tank. Yes. And a land animal. Well, yeah. I'm dominating both now. I'm going to go with the Florida Panther. Okay. Yeah, that's right. Which I didn't know was a real thing until you put this list.

I completely agree. I've always assumed they weren't really from Florida, and that was just a catchy hockey nickname. Yes. Yeah. There's a team called the Panthers, and they're from Florida, and that was just a catchy hockey nickname. Yes. There's a team called the Panthers, and they're from Florida, and it was always, well, where did they move from? It's like the Los Angeles Lakers. Not only is it a thing, it's the official state animal.

Yeah. So I need the speed, the stealth of a Panther. It's good. To go with my moose. We need to rebrand some. We should draft the animals. New state animals? Yes, new state animals.

Because I feel, what would we all go with with Florida? A crocodile. Absolutely. Or a gator. Yeah, gator or crocodile. One of the two. It doesn't do the same thing. Or both.

Yeah, both. Alligator or crocodile. That's their state animal. I agree. The more generic picks make more sense. but somebody who's in charge of this. Yeah, that's a great question. Sometimes the official stuff. I just want to know who makes the call.

Are you just in the right place? You just happen to be the mayor at the time that your state needs a governor? Does that come across your desk like, okay, I'm signing some checks. Sir, what animal do you like? I mean. And Big Panther comes through, and they're like, sir, I know you probably want to go with the alligator, but have you ever considered the panther?

It's a weird one. Jason, two picks for you. Okay. Jeez Louise. This is getting interesting. this is getting interesting we're about to jump from great predators to animals

to maybe cute animals well while you think about it I'm going to remind people Mike has the orca whale and the bison I have the moose and the Florida panther and Jason you have a grizzly bear who needs a friend I'm going to get him a friend from Minnesota. I am going with the eastern timber wolf.

Yes. That can, you know, it's like a. Or as I wrote, the eastern timber wolf. The eastern, yes. Which is much more pastel than the other wolves. And it's got big ears. Big old ears. The wolf has big ears, big front teeth.

Cadbury cremates. Cadbury lays eggs. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. It's me. So I will take the timber wolf. It's a predator. It's got some fighting experience. It's got the teeth.

It's not as big. Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be proud of. How big is a timber wolf? About 60 pounds. Six inches. Are they larger than, let's see they're

not giant they're not no they're like 60 pounds oh it's like a dog big yeah it's a big dog okay um but since we're going size and i i feel like my grizzly can hibern, but your orca has blubber. Yes. And that's going to take a long time to die. Or eat. But sperm whales are gigantic, and you will never let that thing die. He could live forever on land. You can't do anything to him. A sperm whale is one of the animals?

Connecticut. Really? Connecticut has a sperm whale. I don't know why they have a sperm whale as a state of... What? Connecticut. What are you doing up there? So, you know, according to my list, I believe Connecticut's state animal is the sperm whale,

which is gigantic. I looked up, like, who would win in a fight, and it said one orca could not harm a sperm whale. They're just too big. Do you know how the jaws can't open wide enough? It's like daddy long legs. They can't bite you. You know how insulting it is to these water animals to have a state claim them? Connecticut's up there going, he's like the sperm whale of the ocean.

He swims in the whole ocean, and Connecticut's like, you're he's like the sperm whale of the ocean. He claims the whole, he swims in the whole ocean and Connecticut's like, you're mine. Yeah, that is. You're mine. But you're a state, you're land. No, you're mine. Yeah. How much of the ocean is in your state? Very little. Very, very little. We touch it. We ship

some in. One edge of our state kind of goes into the water. Which way do the sperm whales hang out? No, we don't. That's an insult to bog turtles everywhere. I genuinely believe. Thank you, Mike. I'm looking up Connecticut animals. Yeah.

I genuinely believe that the bay there probably does not have a single sperm whale anywhere near it. I don't think. Well, it did, but then the giant sperm whale destroyed it. Yeah. Okay. You giant sperm whale destroyed it yeah they did okay you got sperm whale i'm gonna go with the smaller version of a claw and jaw attack i'm going with the black bear which has been claimed by louisiana west virginia new mexico they've all got the black bear which one you go i have to choose between those three what were the three i said west West Virginia. Louisiana.

Mountain Mama. No, I'm going West Virginia. Oh, okay. Some mountain bear? Mountain Mama bears. The Louisiana one can handle spice, though. Yes. Very Cajun.

Yeah. Honestly, I think you took the wrong one. The Alabama also has the American black bear, which I think is the largest. Uh-oh. But he locked it in. Mistakes were made. I get them all. It's a whole team. All right. So I'm up the largest. Uh-oh. But he locked it in. Mistakes were made. I get them all. It's a whole team.

All right, so I'm up. You're up, Mike. Final two picks. Okay, so looking through my list here, we are dwindling. You could go with, let me give you some ideas while you're thinking. The gray squirrel of Kentucky. Ooh, that's cute. As is the ringtail from our home state of Arizona.

That's right. The eastern goldfinch from Iowa, an option. Yeah, but what if I told you that my whale friend, or my whale needs a friend, because now we have to team up against the giant whale, so I will take the state animal of Massachusetts, the right whale. What is a right whale? Like a Mike Wright?

No. I actually had to look it up because I thought, what a stupid name for an animal. And according to Google, at least the top result, it was called the right whale because it was, quote, the right whale to hunt. That's true. That's actually true. And then it nearly went extinct and they banned hunting in 1935 so good work massachusetts they named it the right whale because it was the right whale to hunt wow which whale should we get one the wrong one or the right one mike you have another pick oh yes and while you're thinking about your last pick, I will once again protest that I can't picture a bear fighting a whale at all.

And I contend that Al is stupid. My bear will walk up behind the orca and just start slashing it. Yeah. You can't. What? How are you going to walk up behind the whale? This is why we shouldn't have water in coliseums. Tell that to the Greeks.

So the last one, look, maybe I need to protect my water area. I will seal it off with some trees because I will take the beaver from New York and he will create a damn situation and he will protect us. We're at the beaver level, huh? And he will ride upon the orcas back. I like it. That's teamwork, Mike. Teamwork makes the dream work.

I will close out my draft with the Texas Longhorn. Delicious. We will have much sustenance from you. Huge horns. I don't think they do anything with the horns. Oh, you bet they do.

They stick them right up your... It's not a bull. Yeah, I mean, longhorns got long horns. Well, I mean, it's a bull, but it's not like... It's huge and they're sharp, Mike. It'll be just fine. Come at me with your beaver. The beaver will gnaw your horns right off.

Good luck. All right, I'm up. Yep. All right, so I'm looking. Still got the raccoon on the board if you want it. Eastern goldfinch. Tennessee had all those choices and they went raccoon. Yeah, there's, wait, beaver was new york yeah new york state what

are these states doing well upper new york is a lot of wilderness you can't just think a lot of beavers up there yeah but i mean they gotta they gotta drive they gotta claim one from the city this should be pigeon this should be rat that should be their state animals the rat i don't think new york going to like that on their slogan. All right. Home of the rat. New York City. The biggest rats in the state of the Mississippi.

There's really one animal left here that is. No, there's not. Yeah, no, there is. There's a very good animal left. Has weapons. Has enormous size. He ain't no moose, but he ain't far behind it. I am taking the Rocky Mountain elk from Utah.

Of course. Yeah. Big old antlers. Yeah. I mean, the moose looks down and says, one day you will not be as big as me. One day you will be dead as I stand over your body. Grizzly bear, timber wolf, sperm whale, and Rocky Mountain elk for Jason. I have the

moose, the panther, the black bear, and the Texas longhorn. Mike with the orca whale, bison, right whale, and beaver to round out our animal battle royale. It's going to be a stalemate. It's going to be something. Not much action. The white-tailed deer

left alone as the Nebraska, New Hampshire, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Arkansas, South Carolina option. There's also a lot of horses. Sorry, Virginia as well. Horses, Idaho, Maryland, New Jersey, North Dakota, Vermont. They're all horses. There's a lot of horses. And I would have taken a horse if I had something to ride it.

You should have got the beaver. The beaver could have ridden the horse. That was the secret of your pick. Don't worry. Missouri has the Missouri mule. That sounds great. That sounds delicious. That's part of your unlimited drinks.

Exactly. I'll take a Missouri mule. What did we learn today? I genuinely learned that there are constellations that can't be seen from certain parts of the planet. I assumed you can't always see them, but that over the course of time, you'll see all the constellations. But wrong-o. I learned that people are not saving up for years for a car. I learned that a desk, according to Al, is not furniture.

That'll do it for today, Spitballers. Thanks for joining us and supporting the show. We'll be back with another episode. Someday. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.