Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: A Strong Arooma & The Worst Wedding Gifts - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

Spit Hit for July 11th, 2024: On this episode, we have some fun choosing which sound effect accessory we would rather have. We also choose which crime we would rather be publicly known for committing. Then, we provide some high quality education during our ‘What’s The Difference’ segment. Lastly, we finish things up with a draft of the worst wedding gifts. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Beep-a-boop-bop-toot-tapa-toot-a-pa-pow! Oh yeah. Be-bop-boop-bop-toot-tamp-a-toot-a-bop-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. Oh yeah. There's the big whisper finish that we've seen the last 25 times in a row. Is that my new thing? The whisper finish?

It's not new. It's been a while? That's your thing. I think what used to happen is I always used to go too loud at the end. You got your own Bedingi going on here. We'll see. Three episodes from now, we'll see. I know what it'll be.

It'll be the next Whisper Soft Landing. Welcome into the Spirit Ballers podcast, Andy, Mike, and Jason. Would you rather? What's the difference? And we are drafting the worst wedding gifts on today's show. Yes. Yeah, Al, how are you doing today? You had some thoughts on that scat?

I was just saying it's not always just a whisper. It's always a pow. It's like he's doing comic book scatting. But it's so it's like a loud, it's a loud action word, but it but it's real soft That's the blues in me. It's just a gentle punch It's gonna be a good show. I know it. Thank you for tuning in supporting the spitballers. Tell your family tell your friends Spitballers we have found out that it is better with friends. Mm-hmm.

Spitballers is made to be enjoyed with others. You can talk about it, chat about it, draft your own draft. Yeah, it's a good time. And we just like making your week better. So thank you for tuning in. Let's get it started. Would you rather? Would you rather there be a charming ting sound every time you wink, or have a cartoonish gun sound every time when you fire off your finger guns.

When you got the finger guns. Like a, there you go. This finger guns. When you got the finger guns. Like a... There you go. This is great. Wink. I feel like... I always say wink when I do that. Yeah.

Wink. I go, bing. Yeah, there you go. If anybody wants to give this a try, let me know. But the... I feel like we've got them. Oh, I got you. Ready?

Finger guns. Oh, that's pretty cool. Oh, that's very good. Okay, I'm going to wink here. And... Oh, man. Would that send a... That's a cool feature, but let's say you were using it practically.

You're at a restaurant. Someone brings you a meal. It looks really good. Do you throw them a... A wink? Now, I don't think you want to do that that seems creepy the in winking in general is very dangerous like there are just there's really small moments when you can actually wink and it's fully understood this is just a joke because a wink

I don't know that there's ever an appropriate serious time to do a wink. I'm trying to think about that. The only serious wink I ever do is if I'm trying to get somebody in on a joke on somebody else. But that's understood. That's it, yeah. It's funny. But you wouldn't want a serious wink sound effect

if I'm being like hey, hey, hey. You know, just so you know. And then it's like, then they'd be like wait, you then they'd be like wait so that you turn off the sound There's a sound whenever you wink. It's every single time It has to if you do finger guns or you do a wink it has to have the sound effect I do feel though if you had the sound effect if everyone could hear that when you do a wink You you could do joke winks all the time time That's like it would bring winking back it would we would wrangle it away from just creepy old men And it would be funny again. I think the reason it's gone away is because there aren't enough

Handsome charming men because if you're really handsome and charming you keep your handsome you can wink absolutely No, no, no, no, no, listen if you're really handsome and charming like not right you aren't just an oblivious Handsome person, you know, you're you're you're you're Ryan Reynolds Ryan Reynolds can wink no problem, but that's cuz he's funny. What is that? Well, maybe you're funny instead of trying George Clooney wink. Oh, yeah Yeah, he can actually George Clooney is better than Ryan Reynolds. He would get away with it, no problem. And it wouldn't even be creepy or weird, it'd be like, wow.

No. No, I'm telling you, George Clooney, not with that though, that ruins it. That doesn't strike you as charming, that strikes you as cartoonish. And the only time I wink personally like that I was thinking have I ever winked and then I was like oh yeah I do wink sometimes it's always on the the joke of oh totally you know like it's completely the sarcasm like I believe you only you know the big yeah yeah you're accentuating the face it's not just just a quick right. No, it's a big old

Can you get yourself in trouble with the finger guns? It's It's hard to say no. No the finger guns. I think that's my final answer. That would be I think I want the finger gun It'd be funny like all the time. Oh, I would be I would use it so much in pickleball Just don't do it like at a bank You know Banks airports you want to holster them finger guns also. I am instituting a new rule For spitballers for the future forever if anyone does finger guns you have to be on the ready owl

Because that I expect the sound effects to come whenever Yeah, it's probably bad that asked you to give me those on my no you're good. All right, um final answers finger guns Oh for sure. Yeah. All right, which crime would you rather be publicly convicted of? Yeah. All right, which crime would you rather be publicly convicted of? Committing arson by setting fire to Burger King's corporate offices while disguised as Ronald McDonald.

Okay. That clown. Yeah, there's three options. Option two is beating the tar out of Santa at a Macy's Day parade on live TV while dressed as a fusion of Krampus and the Easter Bunny. Okay. Okay. I get the pattern here. Or destroying the castle at Disneyland with an actual medieval catapult. Okay. One of these is pretty cool. Now, I love Disneyland. I do. Right. But to be able

to use a medieval catapult that could take down a castle I have to take that opportunity how often like I would never set a building on fire, but I have the capability I could I could do it. You can wield fire. Yeah, I can I can I can't wield fire Well, I mean, but you you understand you can go down to the Walmart and buy a pack of lighters But I mean you love Disneyland, So you'd be known as forever. Yeah, you ruin me. You'd be banned, first of all. Yeah, I don't think they'd let me back in.

That is for sure. But I think most of these things, you're ending up with. Yeah, there's a little bit of jail time. There is probably some jail time. Yeah. I mean, you've got a risk of, I've heard, and maybe this is false and just a rumor, isn't there some sort of special hotel room inside of that Disneyland Castle? Yes

there is. So you could accidentally kill someone? You could. And that could happen at the arson with the Burger King. I was gonna say there's a lot of people in Burger King's corporate offices I would say I'll be a little bit more worried about the public. There's no people in. Alright good thank goodness because otherwise we're really publicly convicted of murder. And we're very on the record on this show. Anti-murder. We don't do murder.

No, that's right. We've told kids, don't do the murder. Do not. I'm going to go ahead and beat the tar out of Santa there now. Take some bad gift memories out on the old man. I mean I don't know if anybody knows who Krampus is, so I think I'd rather just dress up as the Easter Bunny and make it really clear that I am one holiday

attacking another. Yeah, in the United States you probably gotta make that call. If you were in Germany, Krampus would be a big hit. Is Krampus pretty big over there? Oh yes, yes. It that a threat to the kids? All the kids know that if you're not good it's not a lump of coal that's going in your stocking it's you going out the door in Krampus satchel. Okay. To be eaten. To be eaten. It's a serious place. We have got to bring that to the states because I'll tell you. Yeah who's afraid of a oh We have got to bring that to the states, because I'll tell you, man.

Yeah, who's afraid of a, oh no, I got a lump of coal. That's not stopping me from burning down the Burger King's headquarters. Right, but you know what would? Being eaten alive. Being eaten alive. I don't think. Which, if I recall, on this show over 220 episodes,

we have been very anti-eating other people. Yes. Of course. We are. Cannibalism? Don't do it. That's a big full pop. Don't do cannibalism. 20 episodes, we have been very anti-eating other people. Yes. We are. Cannibalism? Don't do it. That's a big full pop.

Don't do cannibalism. Absolutely. Don't do murder. Don't do cannibalism. I would say do do. The catapult? Catapult destruction, though. Okay.

If I'm going to take down a building, let's say- You think you could handle a catapult? I don't know if you're the kind of guy who could handle a catapult. There's one thing to do. There's multiple things. You could aim it wrong. You could shoot that one over and then you're destroying Splash Mountain or something. It's a very precise thing.

This guy does not know how far away Splash Mountain is from the castle. What an idiot! I just think you got that bad of aim. Wow. That's good of a catapult. I mean, that thing is launching far. That being said if I were like people do demolition right you have to tear down a house you want to build a new property or something why don't what they use catapults for? It would be awesome.

I yeah I mean I think there's some reasons. Yeah they're really inefficient the load time is substantial. That's the big problem. You don't recover the object that you're breaking the building down with very easily. If it was like an automatic catapult. Yeah, I was going with a really long rope. Yeah, kind of like a.

So you get to pull it back. Like the ice cream scoop on a button. That fun toy. I loved that thing. So that's supposed to be a joke? What was that thing for? I was like, here have some of my ice cream. BOP! Star of Foamy Face. So have some of my ice cream that doesn't look anything like ice cream? Well right, you gotta use your imagination a little bit. And then You look at somebody when you hand it to him you go Would you rather have your name tattooed on your forehead or have no front teeth

So would you rather wear a hat or dentures Maybe it's on your forehead. you're not you're not hat country you're you're probably bandana country. We're we got to put this thing low this has got to be eyebrow level just above you not easily hideable because the point I'm making here is that no matter what no matter what is on my face tattooed I'm I would like to have teeth What if you had to have your eyebrows replaced by your name first name last name? Oh? Because I mean they they're shaved off and then you have them written. I was like curse

comic sans 20 years ago 20 years ago the idea sounded good of a facial tattoo was or unbelievably This sounded good. Of a facial tattoo was unbelievably appalling. And it was the mistake of lives. 10 years ago, it was somewhat a little bit more common. And it wasn't like those. Mike Tyson did huge things for face tattoos. Exactly.

It wasn't just Mike Tyson with it. There were other people. That was the tribal one. But you didn't necessarily want to, you know, be the people that had face tattoos. Right. Today? Face tattoos are in. Yeah, it's pretty common. I mean, I'm pretty sure if you want to be in hip hop, got to have some face tattoo. I mean, Post Malone is really running out of real estate on the face.

Yeah, so I believe- Tyson still has the facial tattoo. That's the thing about tattoos yep still got it so that's not really you know that's the downside yeah now no front teeth is that the other one no front teeth assuming pragmatic issue yeah with eating enjoy your apple I think I can figure the apple out. Yeah I can you know like cut it into pieces. But not if you didn't have a knife. OK. Yeah I handed you an apple and you don't have front teeth. Could you don't go by cuspids. Do you think you could. Oh yeah Mike Mike canines are getting right into that. You think you could eat it with the side of your mouth.

I mean that's what you have to pull your cheek with your finger to like fish hook yourself to get in here Possibly I think I could pull off the eating. I remember I look ridiculous back back in braces time you know you go you get the braces you go to the orthodontist they give you the tightening and your teeth just there they are unbelievably sore for a few days and we went went to get, I had just had a tightening, we went to get pizza. And my front teeth, I could not. I could not bite with my front teeth.

So I'm taking a pizza and I'm trying to get it back into my molars. I fully wrecked the side of my lips, you know, like where your, I don't even know what you would call it, but the Where the side of my lips, you know, like where your I don't know what you would call it But other than the cider where your lips meet on the edge. I don't know where the scars are. Yeah Yeah, yes I very I looked like the Joker but and it was not it was not my abusive father It was it was pizza crust over and over rubbing against that tiny little piece of skin, and it cut it open. Wow, I mean, how old was this pizza?

It was brand new. It smells your mouth. I was a young child, but when it was not soft crust, clearly. You didn't want to go like fork and knife? What, with pizza? You'd rather chop your face up. Yeah, I'm not a Neanderthal. I mean, obviously if you don't have the tattoo and you don't have the front teeth,

you can close your mouth and you look normal while you walk around. If you have the tattoo, you never look normal walking around. You're either a guy with a bandana 100% of the time. And the conversations of meeting new people, asking, oh, who's Jason? And you who's Jason that's me that's pretty awkward that's pretty awkward that is that is a good point oh is Jason

your father no it's me no hold on hold on I'm training because that would be super awkward if people saw this tattoo and they asked who that was. But I feel like if someone walked up to me and on their forehead was Mike. Right. Like, he's walking up and it says Mike right across his forehead. I feel like I would assume that's Mike. Would you? No, it would be better if it said Mike and then underneath it said 1983-2 and it is blank.

It's just blank waiting to fill in the other side and you just say it's a memorial Yeah, this is for me with the mortician will handle this when I go open They finish it would have to be finished at an open casket. Otherwise, you're wasting a lot of ink there. Yeah Wow, you are your own tombstone. Oh No like new level of headstone there. Just literally, just your head, just embalm it. Yeah, do they do that? I don't think they do that.

If they bury you vertically, just up to the shoulders, and then you just kind of bronze the top part of the head. I want to do that. Then you are really, I mean, could really pay someone a tribute when you go to their grave. Give them a kiss on the forehead. Oh yeah, that's gross.

See that tattoo? All right, we. What are you taking? Which one are you going with? I can't do the face tattoo. Not across my forehead with my name. So I'm gonna go without the front teeth and I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.

I will always be remembered. No one will ever need to ask me, wait, who's that guy? Because they will know that's Jason. Okay, so you're going face tattoo. Mike, final answer? Your face tattoo, aren't you? I like my teeth.

Yeah, your face tattoo. They work out. I mean, you already got a neck tattoo. This is no big deal. Yeah, just move it up a little bit. Yeah. Do you want to solve some of the world's biggest issues? Oh, do I? I mean you already got a neck tattoo. Yeah, no big deal. Yeah, move it up a little bit Do you want to solve some of the world's biggest issues? Oh do I?

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Feel like I've got a good grasp on the last one tuckered out. You got to be sub 13 years old That's really absolutely children. It's for children. Oh, he's all tuckered out. I couldn't Mike You can't get tuckered out. You're a grown man. I kids get tuckered out. Yeah, I can get exhausted So is it a like a puberty line? I think it's a puberty line, which I'm putting at 13. I mean armpit hair You can't be tuck. Okay, so that yeah the second that the that the armpit hair grows in yep you graduate to exhausted now or do you go to poop? Now that's that's the where we got to get into the nuance here because you might not be exhausted. Exhaustion is hardcore. I've got another

way to guide us right I agree tuckered out. The difference between tired and pooped. Pooped to me is I am collapsing onto some sort of reclining chair. Tired, I'm going to bed. Okay. Okay. If I'm pooped, you come in, you just did a little bit of, you know, how we always do so much yard work. You come in from the yard work, and then you just kinda, you're pooped, and you kinda. The reason it was called that, because you can't poop laying down. That's been scientifically proven. Oh boy, that's another experiment I've never thought about.

The lay down poop? The lay down poop is impossible to pull off. A bed toilet doesn't, I mean, obviously. I mean, the hospital's figured it out. Right, there are medical issues. You're not laying down, you're slightly, they raise you up just for the poop. That's true.

So exhausted is you're tired, but you can't make it to the bed. Exhaustion to me is, like, you get tired every day. Every day you get tired. You're just tired from living. Oh, it's routine. Yes, exhausted is when you're completely spent, you are on zero and because of your day. Yes. Your day had to be something intense, physically or mentally. And pooped is more related to

one specific activity that you were then pooped after. Would you agree with that? Like if you did one thing and then you come in and you say, man, I'm pooped. I just cleaned up all the dog poop. So long as you got in that chair, absolutely. As long as you get in the chair. Well, that seems clear. Yeah, toilet does count as a chair. You can be pooped and go.

While pooping? Well, you would be pooped from something else, and then you could go be pooped while pooping. And then the toilet would be pooped from something else, and then you could go be pooped while pooping. And then the toilet would be pooped. In. Correct. What is the difference between a scent, a smell, and an aroma? Oh, very important question.

I feel like aroma has to be lower tier than a scent or a smell as if there's less of it in the air. I can agree with that. Does that make sense? Yeah but I feel like if there is an aroma you must use your hand to accentuate it. Just to spread it around a little bit more. Like I'm getting a faint aroma. That is right. Part of the reason you have to use your hands is because of the light smell that is in the air. It's just an aroma. So you have to use your hands. And again, to bring this to science, the scientific reason for that and the name Aroma is because it's when a smell fills a room okay and that's what it used to be a room and then just as English has progressed yeah we took it was an ugly word so we took one of the O's out yeah

and so it's an aroma you know yeah yeah yeah yeah fills the whole room no it's a good good logic that yeah this is work. I feel like a scent has to be a Direct line that goes to to whatever is really was like you could turn whatever follow a scent yeah, so like if there's a cake if You can see it in like in the cartoons Yes You see this yes if you got the scent and you had flight ability, you could directly follow the entire scent

to the object creating the scent. Quick question here, because I was curious about this, with scents. Yes. Can it be bad? Yes. You can have a bad scent? Absolutely.

Some rotten garbage? That's a smell. No, rotten garbage. OK. Is that the scent of garbage, or is that a smell smell yeah it no run garbage mm-hmm okay that the scent of garbage or is that a smell that's why I was wondering smell is where you can't find it but maybe that's aroma she walked through the room and had a nice scent yeah yeah I mean I was directed right towards her because it's that's yeah you know there's a whole movie about this yeah I think we've we've really I mean the Aruma thing I didn't know that

yeah well that's why people listen to the spitball so you if we were doing this what is a smell a smell is pretty much it's the broadest category it's anything it's anything that you use your nose to receive that's why it's that is also why it is a verb. See, you can't verb aroma or scent. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, you smell something. Hey, do you scent that?

No, I don't scent that because I smell that, Mike. I smell an aroma. Smell is really, should only be used as a verb. Okay, so can you smell a scent? Yes. Absolutely. Yes. All right. But you can't smell a smell because that's a double verb. Mm-hmm.

That becomes a noun. As science. You multiply two verbs. The rules of grammar. They become a noun. Two verbs become a noun. That is right. Wow.

You have illuminated. Boy, you have the scent of a wise man. It must be directly towards me. Yes, yes. What is the difference between being nice, kind, and polite? Okay okay I love this question because these are three important things. I think all kindness is nice, all niceness is polite but not all politeness is kind? There could be levels here. I feel like if something is kind, it was done

just altruistically. It came from just deep inside of your person, you as a human, you wanted to do something that would better someone's day, make something easier for them, make them feel better. It was kind. Yeah, I mean, this is really- You didn't expect anything back? No, this is status of the heart level on these words. Yes, yeah, there it is.

Because if you're doing something that is polite, you can also not care at all. You're obligated. I do not, I'm not, I am doing this to be polite. Yes. I don't believe at all what I'm saying. You're saying you can be polite with a cold dark heart? Oh yes. Oh yeah, you hold it, holding a door open for someone,

you've never done that where they take a little bit. If you do it with the wrong attitude, it's impolite. No, no, no, no, impolite would be shutting a door in someone's face. That would be impolite. Polite is open the door. Polite is please and thank you. It's just a word we add in there to make it seem like something is less rude. Now Mike, if you open that door because

you really want to, you don't expect anything back and you want to get it from me, now what is it? Is it polite? Kind. No, it's also polite. I think it's not to mention they'll look back at you and they'll say, wow, that's nice. Well, that's true. What a nice man. Yeah. Well, now so is nice the verb of the crime. No, we can't do that again. And you don't get to tie in the word polite with how the police officers used to open doors for people either either And that's where we got the word Okay, i'm not falling for that again. I I like where we're on track that I think polite is just a societal obligation Kind is when you really mean it and being nice to someone

is You know, you know, you just you don't really care. Well, you're just gonna do it Nice, I think nice is better than that. Yeah, things can be nice too. Yeah, well that is true, that's where I was going. It can be nice outside. Right? Right. It can't be kind outside. No, because there's no heart.

The heart, if the heart is good, it's kind. You're really there with the heart. Yes. That's what kindness is. Kindness is from the heart, from a good place in the heart. Kind of. No, no, I'm fully on board Good work back there the delay in audio there for all the listeners. Yeah, well, they didn't notice it was owl

Waiting after my finger guns for a good three seconds. He will need to have some sort of the finger guns on a foot pedal Yes, so he's ready We got to work on this what is the difference between a geek a nerd and a dork Okay, okay a geek a Nerd and a dork well dorks a loser Let's just call it spade spade. I feel like like a dork is like a bad nerd It's like a nerd gone bad these three words have really transformed in language over Nerd used to be bad nerd was when you were in the 80s, especially in a movie based at a college, calling someone

a nerd is about as close to the highest level of an insult that you could give anybody. But the nerds, we grew in numbers and we started out to out populate the jocks and now nerd is like a badge of an honor and it's a cool thing. That's because, just to get into the history of it, the history, it all changed with technology, computers. The nerds used to be the only people. They were math. Absolutely, it was math, it was pocket protectors, glasses with tape on it, what nerds? But then it turned out these nerds were good at computers.

Computers became more common and now all of a sudden. The rich. The rich, it was like, man, those nerds are pretty cool. A dork is a nerd living on the fringes of nerddom. Like, there's acceptable nerdiness, but on the very dark edges, you know, like the cosplay people and stuff, they're dorks. That is correct, That is correct.

I'm just kidding. But the geek, the geek, what's the difference between a nerd and a geek? Because they have a squad of geeks. I'm struggling here. Oh, I got the geek. Is it a paid nerd? No, no, no. A geek has to have a topic. Like you could be a nerd in general about anything in life, but a geek you are like a Star Wars Star Wars geek you are a geek for anime your

Category is because you geek out exactly, but I also nerd out well But that but it can still be broader because nerds are just you know anything intellectual who goes to the conventions dorks. Okay, so the cosplay's back in it. Yeah, I mean, look, in today's day and age, and this will change, I mean, we've seen the shift in the past to the present, but right now, dorks are losing.

Dorks are losing the battle. All right, then, dorks. You gotta unite. Oh, for a convention? Yeah, you need to band together and just- It's just an abrasive word, man. I don't know if we can recover and redeem the word dork. It's one of my favorite words, to be honest, because man, you can really-

What a dork. You can poke with it. Yeah, it's a sharp word. It is a sharp word. Oh, that wasn't a finger gun. That was a point. That was a point. Look at my hands next time. I feel like dork might be the word that nerds use to insult geeks. Yeah, no, that's right. So nerds, it's like geeks, dorks. Yeah, you're like,

I'm word. We might be nerds, but you guys are dorks. There is nothing better than when people decide that they are nerds for one thing and all the other nerds for the other things are dorks, right? That's a little hypocritical. Usually, I mean, I, it's what I do. I do that all the time. I weaponize like you're, you guys are Harry Potter dorks. You play D&D. Yeah.

And we're nerds. We're awesome. We're Harry Potter dorks. Yes. Never forget it. That's the disparaging word to we're nerds. We're awesome. And we're Harry Potter dorks. Yes. Never forget it. So that's the disparaging word to keep your nerddom and your crew proud. Yeah, because there are so many nerds now.

Now we need a hierarchy of nerddom. So I need a way to put you down to elevate me. Right, we are very tribal people. Yes. And we, when I'm saying we now, I'm only including the three of us. The three of us, super cool, would never be a dork. Yeah. We're about the coolest. Maybe my favorite what's the different segment we've ever done because I feel like we've really answered some

big-time questions. You've illuminated a lot Well, let's move on to our draft then. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we are drafting the worst wedding gifts. And Al, I don't remember, where did we get this idea? Did this come in from Twitter? Somebody suggested this idea. It was a Patreon idea. Oh, no, that's a nerd.

Oh yeah. Doing good work over there nerd. I'll get the actual person so we can give him credit. And how many domains do we have pointing to our Patreon? At least four. Is it spitwadsquad.com? Does that work? Yep. Join the spit.com. Spitballerspod.com. Okay. Yeah, there's a lot of ways to get there. Yeah, at least four though. I just can't figure out the fours. We gotta go register one. We can't tell you the other one. It's top secret, try and find it. We've all been married.

We've all had the lead up to the wedding and then you have your wedding and then everybody brings you gifts and then you traditionally you open those gifts. Sometimes people open them, I guess, really close at the wedding. Do they ever open them at the wedding? I don't know. I think so.

It's always like that night or the next day yeah but there are you know there's good gifts mm-hmm great gifts cash money there's then there's other gifts there's gifts that people send and you know they they there's a lot of categories like they want what they're giving that's a category right so they kind of give you what they want there's the category of like, right? So they kind of give you what they want. There's the category of like I'm giving you something that I think you need. Right?

There's registry, that's always fine. Follow the registry. You're gonna- Always follow the registry, which the registry should just be cash. Which we've seen. I think, I think, Brooksie, didn't you take that registry path? Oh yeah. Yeah.

Brooks loves nothing. Help us pay for stuff. Loves nothing more than cold hard cash. It's like, I know I've got so much, but I want more. Yeah, I won't buy the wrong thing with your money. Credit credit where credits do this idea came in from the Rancid Pizza Box on YouTube. Oh, no, without that credit, there's just no way that the Rancid Pizza Box. Thank you for the idea. Worst wedding gifts, Jason, you have the first pick in this draft. I would go with a Rancid pizza box. Thank you for the idea worst wedding gifts Jason you have the first pick in this draft

I would go with a rancid pizza box. No, there are two here that I was kind of back and forth on I'm trying to play the game. I don't think either one of them necessarily comes back to me But if I were to just take it as the worst gift you could possibly imagine It would be a cat. Oh no! It's on my list. No! It would just be a pet, an animal. You're stuck!

Yeah, and so, you know, the animal felt too broad. Please take this to the shelter for me. Right, I mean, you cannot ever, PSA for wedding or otherwise gift an animal. That is a life that needs to be cared for. Yes. And that needs to be a decision from said owner who says I am ready to care for this life. I also cats are literally little demons that should not be in anybody's house. I had a family member who once trolled me at a birthday party by giving me a present, but they put it in the box of basically like a gerbil cage. So then I opened the box, you know,

I opened the wrapper and I thought that meant I had to get a gerbil and was obligated to having a gerbil and I had to put on a funny face like, thank you so much for the gerbil cage. I guess I have to get a gerbil and was obligated to having a gerbil and I had to put on a funny face like, thank you so much for this gerbil cage. I guess I have to get a gerbil. And I didn't like that feeling. What was in the box? What was in the actual present? I don't know, it was something else,

like some DVDs or something. What's in the box? All right, so you took my number one. All right. I mean, pencil is 100%. Let's see if my 102 comes back to me. I don't have anything else. Okay, Mike, you're up.

Oh, that's gonna be a short draft. No. Look, there's gonna be a short draft. No. Look, there's a few directions here. I think the hardest part about getting a gift from somebody at your wedding is if it is something that has to be put on display in order for you to say thank you. Okay. Which, a lot of people, they get married, they move into a house like right then, and they're decking out their house.

And if somebody gives me a giant painting, I have two choices. Not hang it up and then they hate me, hang it up and then I hate myself. Because if you get a giant ugly painting for your wedding gift, you are stuck. I have art on my list because art is another one where maybe the person you know beauties in the eye of the beholder sure Yep, and so if you give me something that I don't care for It's like like that's a game. We're in Arizona There are so many people absolutely love the like turquoise Southwestern look you live in the southwest I

Cannot but you like looking at turquoise while on the mountain top of the Grand Canyon. Gotta get that blanket ladder. Yes. I'm sure it's because we're in Arizona and I see it so much. If I was somewhere else I'm sure I wouldn't have the hatred. But I just hate that look so much. By the way, my wife has a transplant. She's totally cool with all that stuff. Oh man. I have to fight it off with a stick She'll buy that stuff and I'll be like I don't want to see none of that southwestern patterns. Yeah, get it out of here Um, so I'm gonna go with the yeah the art the large ugly painting that I am now stuck Hopefully like damaging on accident so I can tell them that's why I'm not hanging it up. It got

Ripped in transports. Ah darn. Got left at the wedding chapel. So my first pick I am gonna go look what's terrible about this is it's crazy expensive it's just impractical it used apparently used to be a big thing like back maybe in our parents' day. I think it might even just been their parents. So if you're talking about our grandparents, but it's the fancy china. Because this, I mean, like it's the plates. The plates you can't use. Yeah, there's the plates that they just, they sit in the cabinet and they are used maybe

once a year, sometimes never, because there is never an event that is fancy enough to get out a plate that cost $500 a plate or whatever it is. It's, we just, our generation, we don't do that anymore. It was a remnant from the down abbey days. Yes. It used to be a sign of wealth and somehow that just kept getting passed down and we're like yeah and the plates keep getting used less and less because they're so

expensive. Now the sign of wealth is paper plates. I can keep buying these over and over. You done with that? Check this out. That goes with the uh the china goes with the rooms we couldn't use and the couches we couldn't use and the tables we couldn't use. Yeah. All right, that's a great pick. You got one more. Fancy China is a delightful pick. From an impractical thing that's really expensive to an impractical thing that's not very expensive,

but it sits on your countertop and you're gonna be angry about it. It is a two-piece toaster. The toaster is at the top of my list as well. No, no, no, no. Did you hear what he said? It is a two-piece toaster. Oh, a two-piece. of my list as well. No, no, no. Did you hear what he said? It is a two-piece toaster. Oh, a two-piece. Because look, a four-piece is a minimum. You give me a four-piece toaster, we're in business. I have a functional toaster that can toast an appropriate

amount. If you have a two-piece toaster like it's 1952, I'm going back and forth to this thing five times just so I can get enough toast for the family. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Yeah that's real. A two piece toaster? Why do we make these anymore? Yeah give me a one seat car. Come on. Also you said four pieces is a minimum and I love that. You go bigger? But are they bigger? Can you get an eight piece toast? I don't know if I've never seen bigger than a four piece.

I guess I've only seen four piece in two long slots or four piece directly side by side Yeah, but but I've never seen a sex. I I speak the lie. Okay, but yes, and those are that's Maybe come out with an eight piece toaster. I'm all about it, but that's that's a toaster. Yeah, it's just a toaster Yeah, you don't call it a four piece. I had a toaster on my list. I had a toaster on my list You said I want an old I had a toaster on my list. You said I want an old Awful version of this toaster. Good. Look how cute it is. It's it's aquamarine. What are you like? No, I need it to be functional Well, that's two very good picks Mike both belong in your kitchen They're stuck in your kitchen and you'll never use either one of them because you'll buy a replacement toaster and you'll put that one down below

Until that family comes over and then you'll swap it Wait, do we oh? Owl found a six-piece They do exist they are not cheap. I'm on it. Oh my gosh. This has got to be a commercial toaster Yeah, culinary Depot. Oh that is not the price the toaster should Never spend five hundred dollars on a toaster. Buy three two-piece toasters. Sit them next to each other.

Take up too much space. All right. My second pick here is going to go into the awkward category, which I think is an important category for wedding gifts. And I'm just going to call it anything political. OK. Political books, anything political

where you are going to tell me your beliefs and what I should read, any biographies of present day political figures. Okay. I'm going to go anything political. I would like you to leave it out on my wedding day. That's fair. I don't think that that should be part of a celebration of love. Of love.

Unity. Or love. Unity. Or, or hear me out. If I get, because look, we all get invited to weddings from time to time. You don't really want to go to this wedding. And if you want to make a statement of like, you made me come. Don't ever invite me to Thanksgiving. Yeah. You might be like, hey, check out this QAnon book.

Check out this, yeah, this pamphlet I found. I know I don't want anything political. Just read it. Do your own research. Also, don't invite me anywhere. Yeah, do your own research with this pamphlet. Jason, you got two picks. You have the cat. I have the cat and my second pick came back. And I think that this would be the you know, I don't think someone would actually give someone a cat for their wedding maybe I'm sure it's been done

because a lot of marriages out there but this one I'm sure has been done a lot and it's empty wedding card. A congratulations card with no money in it. What if there's a thoughtful note? I would open it. I would look for what's inside. I can't pay my bills with this. He's trying to rip the paper apart from itself

to find the money inside of it. And I don't think I would ever get to whatever was written because I couldn't find the money so I would close it and then I would throw it to the garbage. You'd reopen it and see if it's in there. So have you seen this happen? You're like a child opening a Christmas birthday card. You're shaking it?

Yes, that's exactly, I mean, we've all been there. We've all been receiving presents for one thing or another and we open the card and maybe there's a gift with it. That's fine. But even when I know there's a gift with it, when I open the card, I'm always like, you know, it's the golden ticket search in the chocolate bar. You open the card and you're like, is there money in here? No money, bad card. I wonder if you could set a money threshold to read the card. Right, yeah. Like if it's under 50, you just close it. Yeah, so card without money.

Everybody expects money in wedding gifts. Yeah, for sure. All right, one more, Jason. Open that wallet. All right. I already made you rent a suit. Pay me. Yes.

All right, I am going to go with a marriage counseling book. Let's start. What? Oh, yeah. People give all these marriage help books. Look, bonus points if it's from a couple that has an obviously bad marriage. Yes, yes, definitely.

It's probably a regift or a, you know, like, oh, I've read. I had to read this. It's got all their notes circled inside. Yeah. That would be funny. But I don't, I had to read this. It's got all their notes circled inside. Yeah. That would be funny. But I don't think- You do this, Stan. I don't want, well, first of all, I don't want a book.

Yeah, okay. Just don't give me a book. Because of the reading problem. Any book, I just, yeah, the whole reading. I'm looking forward to opening my wedding gifts. I'm not looking forward to opening a wedding gift and being like, wait, you forgot your book. Right.

Why did you leave this here? I don't want it. But then the self-help nature, they're trying. They're not doing something mean. They're trying to help. They're trying to help. I get where it's coming from, but also it's a little insulting. Al said, cool, homework, thanks.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, that's fair. It's a little insulting because you feel like you've been preached at a little bit? Al said, cool, homework, thanks. Yeah, exactly. OK, that's fair. It's a little insulting because you feel like you've been preached out a little bit. Well, not only that, but when you are first getting married, you do not need. This marriage will be perfect forever with no problemos.

Maybe you need the book. Maybe we need the books out there 50%. Yeah, the books might help. Yes, but I will get that when we're struggling and I will buy it for myself. But at that point Jason is too late. And I don't want I'm not gonna read the book when everything's hunky-dory. It'd be funny if the book was directly advice for one or the other party. Do you know what that book is? It's just like yeah being a good wife. Yes, exactly. And that's the book given to both of you. Oh man.

Wife. Yeah. Be a good wife book. That's the great. That's brutal. How not to be an abusive husband. Oh, man. That would be sending a real message. It was rough.

Oh, boy. All right. My next pick. I've gone with the large ugly painting and the political stuff. Look, it's almost worse than the card that's empty. It's a donation in your name. Oh, man. That's not bad. A donation on behalf of both of you has been made to the Human Fund, right? To save the pandas. To save the pandas. I like the pandas. I mean, just skip giving me the card and go donate to the pandas, all right? Yeah, it's not the donation that's a problem, but like, you know. A donation in your honor

has been made to the Democratic Party. Yeah, yeah, combine them. Combine them. Here's how you should have used your money. So I took care of it for you and I sent it over to her. It's really one of those, like, I was going to do this anyways. I want the glory and I want to use this for- that's a double-double I want to get out of the gifting. Yeah, and what are they gonna say? I mean you can't you can't say nothing. I can't complain about my Charity, thank you for helping the kids on our behalf. Do you want to know what they were just doing when they say? Thank you for that. Hmm. They're being polite. Yeah, they don't actually think anything good about that gift. Yeah. All right

Well Mike you have what your final two picks? Yep, I got my final two picks here. I know one of them for sure. And I will go with. Can I pause you for one quick second? No. Oh, that was just you. That was pretty quick.

We're getting there. I don't even see his hand on the button. I don't know how he did that. So my first pick, I'm going to go with low thread count sheets. Oh, boy. Yes. Yes, Mike. Those shouldn't exist.

What are we doing here, people? That's like one ply. What are we doing? I mean, it's like one ply toilet paper. It's a punishment. You're gifting someone a punishment. When will the FDA regulate these things? That's a great question.

Not in my country. The human body should not sleep on that low of threat count. It is essentially the donation thing. They're giving you these sheets because they're saying, hey, go drop this off somewhere because this place needs sheets. Goodwill will say, we don't accept that. Yeah. They'll be like, no.

We have a 500 account minimum here at Goodwill. All right, that's a good one. Low-threat account sheets are so good. Good pick. All right. And the two-slot toaster. I like the specificity here. It's really good.

These are all gifts he received individually. Just being petty. Did you get China? No. OK. No. I didn't get China. Thank goodness.

We were a little older than that generation. Okay. No. I didn't get China. Thank goodness. We outgrew, we were a little older than that generation. Yeah, okay. And then the last pick, man, I'm gonna go with, I hate, I'll go with this one. It's not that it's practical and we all use them. It's the fact that these things last forever and then you once they just start to stockpile and it's candles. Like and this this may be me projecting what is happening in the right household. Guys we have an entire closet full of candles. You've got to light them all one day just burn them out man. They just set off the fire alarm. They just they last forever and ever and ever and you're like no I just need candle just one just please one candle do not overload me with all that's really funny

This is projecting your house like I have to store you have a candle closet I have to store all of these candles now that I will never use does that closet have a nice Scent slash smell slash no, it's not nice because it's ten thousand different cents combining into one mega Oh, it's the headache of the store you go into the mall. That's got a Yankee candle company What is Yankee candles smell like smells like a headache. It smells like a migraine There will definitely be a class action lawsuit in the future from did you work at Yankee Candle? Yes. Yes. Because that I mean employees there, how do they survive? I can't walk. Can you not smell anymore? Did you work at Yankee Candle? That's a funny

one. All right. My final is your vision. My final one to go along with the painting, the political stuff, the donation in your name. Boy, I've got a few that I am, I'm gonna go with the gift card to the place you don't shop at. Okay. Because cash is king, right? Or, look, I grew up, I wanted to best buy gift cards. I could buy some CDs, some video games.

That's great, I love that place. But I had a friend that grew up and every single time he had a birthday Like clockwork $50 the Kmart What are you buying at Kmart right sure where is your game or where's Kmart? Yeah, no now now it's nothing So if you give me a gift card to a place. I don't shop at What am I gonna? Do how can you sell those in the secondary market? If you give me a gift card to a place I don't shop at, what am I gonna do? Can you sell those in the secondary market? So where are you guys on this? Because I feel like the whole point of gift cards is like,

it's a- Slightly more meaning than cash. Yeah, well, yes. You're like, I kinda know you as a person. I know you enjoy this place, but you're locked in. You have to go here. So it's been viewed socially as a slight upgrade, and I disagree with that.

I feel like just giving someone a $20 bill is actually the better gift. I see what you're saying, and I think in pragmatic situations, you're right. It's definitely a better gift. You're removing the unnecessary emotion. But like right now, I'm putting together gift baskets for my neighbors. Sure.

And I had the thought of doing such- Cash? No, I had thought of like, okay, we'll get him a gift card. Where could I get a gift card for? Putting cash in there feels insulting. Yep. It feels like a big because it's not it's not you get if you give them a gift card to Starbucks, you're giving them a coffee. And I had to go and get eggs that extra step. I didn't have this in my wallet. I can make

in a card on a piece of paper buying one at Hallmark. Look, the handwritten card took you more time and effort. Right. But we've moved past that now because I want to know you drove For me Mike, but you but you just make a stop at the grocery store Yeah, every single gift card is there It's no longer is I have to go direct to one specific shop to show my value that I went I went down to the steakhouse. No, I just went I went down to fries I I was picking up some mac and cheese and I just grabbed this while I was there But I would give my neighbors a $20 gift card to Starbucks and I would not give them a $20 bill

Yeah, that would be but my point is my point is that is a social construct that needs to go away But when I get people can't I get my work to our books I'm not saying you can't afford Starbucks if I were to receive a basket I would be so much happier with a $20 bill than a $20 gift card at Starbucks. But I would never give that because it's insulting in one direction. It feels like when you start giving cash, everyone's exchanging the same cash all year long and it's all net neutral. Right? It's your birthday, you give me $20. It's Jason's birthday, I gave him $20. It's your birthday, he gives you $20. I know.

Money's not being exchanged. But if everyone gives me $20 on my birthday, I have a lot of $20. But you gotta give to everybody else on their birthday. But once you use a gift card, that was yours. I wonder if you could. That was yours, throw it away. Now what do you think about getting the,

they didn't have the Visa cards. So you did have to. Those things are the worst. They are terrible, they never were. Because you can't to. Those things are the worst. They are terrible. They never work. Because you can't overspend them, right? No, and there's like a surcharge just to buy it. But is that more effort to go through it?

And they put expiration on them. Do they really? Yes. That's absurd. Come on. It's ridiculous, man. You can't have cash expire. You know what doesn't expire?

Benjamin Franklin. No, it just goes down in value 10% every day. Well yeah, his body. No, he's passed on. His picture never goes out of style. Mike, you get a, or Jason, you get a final pick. I get a final pick. I originally had at the top of my list a plunger, but I don't feel like that fits. I'm just thinking that's a terrible gift. Oh, it is a cool one to see in the pile. Like, yes, just wrap it real tight. If it was like an old school, like, Super Mario plunger,

I get that. But if it's one of the new fancy ones where it's like, just one push of this plunger, and you're taking care of your poopy problem. I mean, it's practical. They got new plungers? Oh, yeah. Oh, the plunger technology is advancing at a very rapid rate.

Are you serious? Yeah. New plunger technology is advancing at a very rapid rate. Are you serious? Yeah. New plunger? Yeah, I mean these things- You might want to put new plunger technology. Like these things just take like, it pushes three gallons. Are you talking about like the- You just think about it.

You hold the plunger, you think about that toilet is no problem. Can you guys, you guys hook me up with some of this technology after the show? My children, nonstop. Need to be plungundered on stop. Oh, they got very formidable No, it's I think is they don't understand the amount of toilet paper that you actually really yeah They're like how many sheets do I need about 35? Okay And he's in a six-ply house so yeah, well, yeah makes sense now high thread count high-tech count in a six ply house, so makes sense now. High thread count.

High thread count linen toilet paper. Linen toilet paper. I don't know why I have to unclog my toilet so often. God, I used the new sheet again. All right, my final pick. I am going to go with baby clothes. Oh. Oh my gosh.

The suggestion. But you're not pregnant you're not pregnant yeah yeah you're saying go have baby you just got married hurry up yeah hurry up get out of pacifiers out of my life that's funny yeah that's a funny pic I love it that was terrible don't do that when I open a gift I Want it yes, I for me want it for me I Had some we finished the draft my bonus Possibilities here weight loss equipment. Yeah, I've got exercise equipment

I figure shotguns not the greatest thing to give something. No, no statistically speaking At all marriages the likeliest person if you are ever murder is going to be that person you're marrying let's nut do the shotgun a lot of what when I Yeah, we compiled like the bad things were these just super niche Kitchen items like huh like an electric can opener you You're gonna have opening a can. A Belgian waffle maker. It's not that hard to open a can, but now I have this behemoth taking up

like half of my counter space. It's like a deep fryer, bread maker. Rot bread maker, that's a good one. There's some people, I'm sure you used the crap out of your bread maker. Mine, it sat in a cabinet for about four years and then it got given to someone who hopefully makes bread. Jerry Seinfeld has a funny bit about how the kitchen appliance

that doesn't get used eventually gets moved to the closet and then it goes to its furthest destination which is of course the garage. Yes. And no item has ever made it from the garage back into the house. No, because we don't need that many specific items. It is tough though, because when you see them in the store.

Oh, they look cool. You're like, man, I'd love to make some snow cones. How else am I gonna poach the perfect eggs? Right, yeah, I mean, like, we're definitely gonna use this all the time. And then you go down into the cupboards, and it's like, oh, there's that thing that makes ice cream from bananas.

Ah, yes, we forgot about that. I don't have a taste for that anymore. Other free agent items, I've got cleaning supplies, any kind of cleaning, you know, a vacuum, all the household stuff is. Scratchers. I don't know, that could be pretty good. It could be, or it could be someone just throwing money

in the garbage instead of giving you that money That's true. But I mean would you rather get five dollars? Because that's what they put into this Well, I would expect if it's a wedding get it's gonna be at least at least $25. It's pretty fun or a Handmade blanket. I did think handmade stuff. I mean anything. Well, I've seen a I mean a handmade blanket. That's not too bad I'm a sweater. Here's the thing. I that's a problem I have a few handmade blankets and it's more about like the design or whatever crochet or well and like sewn things from

you know My great great aunt type of things and these aren't blankets that I will ever use sounds very thoughtful because you can I? Don't need your thoughts. I need I need your money. I need your comfort. Oh my goodness Brooks you're very anti quilt No, I'm making fun of Jason there. Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, he sounds pretty terrible on this show doesn't he? Are you quilted this for me grandma don't want it go to the store grandma. Yeah, I Know that bank account of yours is piling up All right, well we we're rapping

What did we learn today I rumour I What did we learn today? A-RU-MA! Yes. I learned that Owl is pretty slow on the finger guns. Not too bad. And the... I didn't learn anything today, fellas. Okay. You didn't learn the two verbs making out? Oh, that, yeah. I forgot.

We multiplied together. Now I have relearned the rules of grammar. That was pretty fun. Very mathematical. Thank you, Owl. Thank you, Judge. We'll be back with another episode relearned the rules of grammar. That was pretty fun. Very mathematical. Thank you, Al. Thank you, Judge. We'll be back with another episode of the Spitballers next week. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.