Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Andy Breaks The Law & The Ultimate Debt Collectors - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

Spit Hit for January 5th, 2023: On today’s show we talk about doggie defecation and public urination. We also discuss our wives childhood crushes, kids birthday parties, and helping people move. The end of the episode comes knocking as we draft fictional characters to collect a debt. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spirwads, we have a very, very, very, very funny, in our opinion, of course, spit-hit episode for you today. We talk about, you know, doggy defecation and public urination, important topics in today's day and age. And the end of the episode, well, it comes knocking as we draft fictional characters to collect a debt, so don't miss one minute of today's spit-hit. one minute of today's spit hit. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Squeed up, dop, dop, dop. A hacky sack and come on. Okay, all right. All right.

Yeah, what do you think of that? Well, it's refreshing to have somebody stick a landing for once. I mean, we are... I got an eight from Jason. Yeah, that's not bad. That was really good. Yeah, it's... Although I do feel like you're beginning.

I think you've been going to that a little bit. You got to start out with the classics, man. What was that? A squeaky? Now, why the hacky sack? Well, because hacky sacky rhymes. Oh, okay. I didn't know if there was a deeper purpose. Not everybody just yells words from the show. Skittles!

Starburst! If you hit them with a Skittles Bittles, then you're good to go. Oh, you didn't go with the Bittles. It's about the rhyme. Did you guys? Now, when we were growing up, at least when I was growing up and we were in the same state, right around junior high, like sixth, seventh grade, hacky sack fever swept my school district. Now, did you guys get in on that? Yeah, I had the same thought.

Yeah, there were the nerds over in the corner that were playing back and back. They were right next to the tetherball people. And then we were playing basketball. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The tetherball people were nerds? Oh, you didn't know you were a nerd? This is amazing. The tetherball players were the ones that couldn't play basketball. The tetherball players were the ones that couldn't play basketball.

The tetherball players were like the lowest on the socioeconomic political landscape. On the socioeconomic landscape for the school, yeah. He is finding out just now that his whole belief. Al Borland, which nerddom are you claiming? Are you claiming the hacky sack? Both. You and I did a lot of hacky sack, but then I played a lot of tetherball. There was only one classification of kid below the tetherball hacky sacks,

and that was the kids that walked along the fence line all around the back of the school. It's always shocking to hear the social dynamics of different schools. It really is. So they were the cool kids in your school, the hacky sackers? Well, in junior high, absolutely. The hacky sackers were amongst the top. See, Andy and I actually went to the same grade school. We didn't know each other then at all, but we did go to the same school.

It makes sense. So it never caught on over there. Yeah, so yeah, the skateboarders were the same crew as the hacky sackers. Okay. So these are almost like different. Each school has its own country. Yes. And a country has a different culture and different dynamics. So if my child is

struggling and they've been classified as just a nerd, then what you're telling me is if I switch schools they might just instantly be the popular kid. Yes, absolutely. That is what you're telling me is if I switch schools, they might just instantly be the popular kid. Yes, absolutely. That is what I'm telling you.

Wow. Man, there's a lot of kids at our school that should have switched to Mike's school. I am really happy Mike didn't go to our school because with the tetherball and the hacky sack, oh man, we'd be dunking on y'all. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Great show for you today. Would you rather? That's a great question.

I was the king of the tetherball. Were you? I was a dominant force oh what the open open hand slaps over here no wonder you didn't play tetherball probably because you sucked at it oh man what a weird hill to die on it's it's i think it's a ditch you're dying in a ditch it's the opposite of a hill. You're like, this is where I choose to die. At least in that ditch I'm wearing a crown. Tetherball Valley. Your calculator didn't have advanced functions? Oh, wait. Now we're talking on calculators?

Well, yeah, because of nerds. Oh, yeah, yeah. So he says the nerds. Okay, calculator watch. Cool or not? Calculator watch is super cool. Calculator watch. No, now I'm putting a rift between the two of them.

Calculator watch, Jason. I don't remember a calculator watch ever being a thing. I don't remember ever seeing one in my life. There were these little watches that, you know, look, all watches told time back then. And then this watch came along and it was a calculator. Look, that's cool because- Which seemed like you could cheat in class. That's why.

You could cheat at math. I mean, no calculators. Can I have a watch? Because the teachers weren't aware that the calculator was. Oh, no, they take it away from the kids that have it. Excuse me, sir. I see a lot of buttons on that watch. They say one through nine.

By the way, I'm looking at the monitors here on YouTube, which you can do as well, youtube.com slash spitballers. I have too little hair. Mike has way too much. That's what's happened. I got to Mike's stage and realized that I wasn't going to go get a real haircut for a while, and I just cut it off out of frustration, and Mike has gone wolfman.

Teen wolf. The full mood, yes. And for the first time in my adult life, I'm just right in the hair department. I would say so. I'm the Goldilocks for this one moment in time oh man you are certainly not too much hair you are 100 of 70 yeah baby at spitballers pod on twitter instagram.com spitballers pod if you want to hang out with us on social media let's uh let's kick this thing off

would you rather Let's kick this thing off. Would you rather? Would you rather be a tetherballer or a hacky sack? Oh, man. That's a great question. That is a great question. If I had to be one of them, I would be the hacky sacker. Because I do agree, even at our school, they were the skateboard crowd. And they weren't necessarily the most popular. But you also, you know, you weren't going to pick a fight

with skateboarders. So I would take the hacky sack. Okay. All right. Now I'm just starting to think about the goth crowd, and did the goth crowd ever hacky sack? I don't remember. There's a little bit of bleed over between the skateboarders and the goths. It is so bizarre. Which group ends up rising to the higher in the social pecking order?

People just want to be in groups. Yeah. At some point in time, they're like, let's grab a beanbag and start kicking it. Now, wait a minute. That'll be our group. Wait a minute. What if whatever group you were in, we all think was the cool group, and we play basketball, so the basketball people were the pinnacle of popularity.

We did it. And then the hacky sackers thought they were at the top of the list. No, I don't think we were at the top of the list. You just weren't at the bottom. Certainly not claiming that by any stretch, but that is definitely a thing because I was friends with Al Borland growing up. certainly not claiming that by by any stretch but that is definitely a thing because uh i was friends with al borland growing up uh we had another friend and al borland you guys had one other friend no no no no yeah i had very few friends but they were my friends at a different

school were in the marching band and they would continually try to get me to believe that being in the marching band was cool. The whole marching band did try to do that to everybody everywhere. That one's not different. They are large. They are a mighty army. So I understand that there is like their own little power in numbers. Yes. Yeah. Well, when you wear uniforms like that, you have to say that all the time. All right. This has become, that wasn't uniforms like that, you have to say that all the time. All right. This has become, that wasn't a real question. Here's the real would you rather question from John over on Patreon.

Would you rather be forced to take part in a ballet performance or a synchronized swimming performance? Boy, it's hard to not answer for me the swimming for two reasons. One. You got that breath capacity? Of course I do not. But the ballet performance inherently in my mind, it is large audience, very out in the open, constantly comprehending my embarrassment the swimming one i don't know what kind of crowds gather i'm mostly worried about am i gonna die and so there's less of me

knowing what's staring at me i'm laughing i'm laughing because uh in my house i have i have a move that i go to. It's legendary. A ballet move? A ballet move, a dance move. I believe it is called a leap where you do the running and you jump. Usually, a trained professional dancer will go full splits in the air. My jumping ability, at least my vertical jumping ability, is well documented amongst this crowd. I feel like I'm getting at least 38 inches off the ground. And I've seen the film, and it's closer to 3.8 inches off of the ground.

And I do this, like I kick my legs up. And my family and my wife, they laugh hysterically. And I don't understand the joke, and I just keep trying to get better and better at my leaps. But when my wife will just ask me, she's like, oh, you got to do a leap right now. And then they just cackle like maniacs. We've never seen this leap from you,

which means that you have a special move that you use only at – is this like when you run into the fridge or something? Well, no, like just when dancing happens. I get in on it. I go to the leap. Oh, that's like my bird dance. Got it. Here's what I know that we get to experience in about an hour is we get to experience a

Mike leap. As soon as this show is over, I'm watching him get 3.8 inches off the ground. Now, I have a move in my household. That's probably being generous. A ballet move? A ballet move that is somewhat similar to yours in the sense that it's, you know, it's renowned within the household. It's my famous high kick. My high kick is a 90 degree angle.

Okay, so this kick, and that's also being generous. That's max. That's full high kick gets to straight out in front of me full extension that's the level of my hamstring tightness you don't get that you don't get to know 90 degrees 75 degrees and that's my high kick so when it comes to like the idea of me doing ballet your kicks are very acute yeah yeah well done no obtuse kicks over here um when it comes to ballet and the flexibility and the body movement like i can synchronize with someone whatever within my limitations right we can go and my legs can go up over the water and this and then this and then this and then this and all we got

to do is sync it up it looks bad from the get-go but if we're in sync it's okay okay but as a ballerina i i mean i can't pull off a move genuine question here because i don't know the answer and this is probably super ignorant but are you a ballerina if you're a boy or a girl? Oh, that's a good question. I believe so. Like, do you know that, Al? I feel like you would know that. I thought you just called them ballet dancers if they're male, but I could be wrong. Possibly. Possibly.

And look, do not hear what we're not saying. Ballerinos? That. Ballerinos? It can't be ballerinos. I mean, it just seems like maybe the O, the A. Ballerine bros. People in ballet, those people are absolute savages.

Agreed. Their athletic ability, their determination, what they have done to their feet. Have you ever seen a professional ballet dancer's feet? Those things have turned into hobgoblin claws. They have traded their feet for the craft. Is that the equivalent of the MMA fighter with the ears?

Yes, the cauliflower ear. Do they use their moves around the house, though? We're talking about these moves we've got. If you're a professional ballet dancer, are you using that whenever you can? Is that how you get into bed? You need a cup that's from high up in the cupboard.

Oh, up on the toesies? Let me grab that with my foot. Guys. Oh, we got breaking news. We've got breaking news. It is ballerinos, isn't it? A ballerino is used in Italian for a male dancer who dances principal roles in a ballet company. It's a ballerino.

A ballerino? It was the linguistic. It made sense to me. I get it, right? Because a... Yes. Okay. Well, I am no ballerino.

No. I am a swimming dancerino. Oh, okay. All right. I think we're good here. Dan from the website, would you rather forget your anniversary or your wife's birthday? Oh. Ooh.

Easy for me. Which have you done? Oh, I've never done either. You guys are so big. Jason is so big on days and anniversaries and moments and birthday weeks. Yeah, we love to celebrate the the occasion so i can't imagine we would have anniversary week no he has a lot of stock in hallmark you make your children do everything uh that's called that's like 300 and uh you know 58 days of the year when it's not their

birthday it's not christ you know you take out some of those days. Otherwise, they belong to me. But here, we've talked about this. We do the birthday week thing. So if I can forget the birthday, this is a lot of time back in my year. To be clear, during the week leading up to either Jason or his wife's birthday, the other one is basically responsible for serving or, yeah, servitude is a perfect way to say it. I was going to say basically being their slave. We're a bond servant.

We choose to willingly submit to the ideas, wishes, whims, and fancy of the other. And I would love to skip a year. So I can't remember what her birthday is are are you do you have those things on lockdown oh yeah I I know her birthday her social our anniversary I never I don't miss those things despite my horrific memory my memory is excellent it is it truly is excellent your memory is and outstanding. But the hole in my memory comes with dates. Really?

Yeah. Let me just ask, have you forgotten either one? I've never missed one. I have definitely had one where it's like, oh, in two days this is happening. The birthday is much easier because that's right around Christmas, but the anniversary is harder. And I was out at a dinner with some friends years ago, and we actually got into an argument. It's a friendly argument of, I couldn't remember the exact date of my wedding. Oh, really?

Oh, that's good. Not just the year, but the date yes oh no and my friend was so confident that he knew what it was more than you did yeah thank thankfully i ended up on the correct side but it was there was definitely a moment of doubt where i'm arguing with my friend i'm like wait hold on you know my anniversary and i don't? I got gaslighted for sure. We are honestly the opposite of Jason and Tiffany when it comes to all big days. We just don't care that much and it's never bothered either of us. I will say that with the COVID year and dates becoming just mists in the wind, my wife just had a birthday um about a week ago and it i didn't forget it

but it was it was close i mean it was like i know it's around here but everything right now is like it's either early february late february right now or it's early march late march that's as close as i get to knowing what day it is all right let's put i'm gonna put the three of us on the spot right now a little bit of dating here okay gentlemen we are three days away as of this recording moment uh-huh from valentine's day yeah i don't know if you're aware of this do either one of you have anything planned right now or any idea of what is happening because mike's mike's face says no i remembered yesterday okay and what's wild about that it's like sponsors of this show i've i have done sponsor reads yes specifically talking about valentine's day and and i have

completely forgotten that that well i'm not rapidly not too surprising there's we never do anything for valentine's day but now that you mention it, I think we should probably postmate some cookies or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's go in on something together here. All right. Charles from Patreon. Would you rather help someone move every Saturday or go to two children's birthday parties every Saturday? Oh, my goodness.

So would I rather live my normal life or have to help people move? One of these you get cake at, at least. You do get cake, but to me this is a question of physical warfare because the moving is tough on the body, but the children's birthday parties, that is a full mental warfare where me being around that much noise of. Yeah, there's a sensitization of children. Yes.

Yes. Over stimulation. I can't handle the noise. And two of them, despite getting like so. And you're there at least two hours for these parties. You're enduring two of them. And I'm getting fatter because of all the cake. I am getting pretty fat.

I have never been at a birthday party that's over in two hours ever. Oh, so you're saying that was the low side. That's that's ridiculous. And I, I think we can do it. I think we can get it done. I mean, a two hour party is plenty. Um, but no, I mean, I guess if it's at a, at a location where they've rented it out for an hour, those are the best professional.

That's how you do it. Cause you're in and you're out. And it's like an hour, those are the best. That's professional. That's the best. That's how you do it. Because you're in and you're out. And it's like, sorry, they're telling us we have to leave. No, that is comforting for all of your guests when you set it up that way. If you're a good friend, you will include some pizza with the move. Like a good friend plans, you either got pizza or donuts for the Saturday move. I'm not sure there's pizza at the birthday parties, too. I'm going to say it, maybe.

When's the last time you had to help someone move? Probably about a couple years ago. Yeah, it's been a minute for me. Can you imagine doing that every week? No. Every Saturday? It sounds like your job is to be a mover. Right.

That's a nightmare. I'm sure it would put me in better shape, and I don't want it. I want the shape that cake makes. The shape that cake makes. better shape and I don't want it. I want the shape that cake makes. The shape that cake makes. I imagine I would become quite the birthday party treat snob if I was going twice every week.

Oh, yeah. Like, you know, maybe you start a blog, you start ranking these parties and they didn't have any chips at this one. You call these party favors? Give me a break. Tortilla chips. Three out of ten chips at this one. You call these party favors? Give me a break. Tortilla chips. Three out of ten cupcakes at this one for little Bobby. All right.

I will go with the birthday parties, no doubt about it. Yeah. I can go hide in a corner, browse my phone or something. Can you get lost at a party? Is that okay as a parent? You can get lost at a party. Is that just pretending you're pooping? If it's in a restroom.

Exactly right. That's where you have to disappear. Oh, no, diarrhea again. With your laptop. You brought your laptop. Do you have an upstairs bathroom? Oh, you do. It's in the master?

Okay. And magazines? What's the magazine situation around here? You mind if I plug in my charger? Okay. All right. Before we get to that's a great question, let's take a quick break. That's a great question.

We do have a great draft coming up as well. But first, we have a great question. Brady. Just one? Well, several. But, I mean, the segment's a singular. up as well but first we have a great question brady just one well several but i mean the segment's a singular so uh oh do we need to change the that's a great questions yes that's better that's better brady from the website when on a walk is it okay to pick up my dog's poop and throw it in a trash can that's not mine when the trash can is by the street.

Okay, so you're not going. You're not walking up the driveway. I would be tempted to do that, too. If the trash can was out front and visible. I'm not opening the back gate and finding your trash can. I'm sure they've got a garbage in their kitchen. Let me go right in there and throw it away. mean we are assuming this this pickup will be in a bag yes right you're not you're not like free handing it bare hand in the dog's herd nobody does that

i gotta clean up after this guy okay if nobody does that ever then if you don't bring a bag are you just leaving the poop yes yes i mean. I mean, I guess that's an obvious answer. You are a monster. No, look, I've done this before. Can you return to the scene of the crime? So you make a mistake. Yes. Do you go home, get a bag, and come back?

That is exactly what you should do. And you should. Yeah, it's 100% what you should do. So if you... Jason. Oh, no. Jason. What? Are you turd littering?

So here's the deal. I have a... He prefers to call it fertilizing. Yes, I'm helping the grass grow. We're composting here, right? Right on the cement. Right on the asphalt. So we have a little green belt right by our house.

Hey, pile, get in, everybody. You know, it's down a block or so, and we've got this big green belt. We take our dogs there, and they play, and every now and then, they'll go poopsie-doozy there. And there is a- Poopsie-doozy? Just let them keep going. Just let them keep going.

It's just, that's what came out. It's what the dog said. So, they have this little- Poopsie-daisy. Poopsie-doozy. They have this little container there with a little garbage can and bags. Yeah. Yeah, they're trying to, you know-

And I will always go grab a bag, put my hand in, do the inside out trick, throw the bag away. I'm not going to leave my dog's poop. But when they're out of bags, it's on them. I mean, I go over there. There's no bag. What do you want me to do? It's on them?

It's on them. They say, here's a bag. And then it's like if you go to your friend's house and they don't have a toilet. It's on them? It's on them. They say, here's a bag. And then, you know, it's like if you go to your friend's house and they don't have a toilet. It's on them. You know, in the corner of the house. Like, what do you want me to do? I had to go to the bathroom. You didn't provide me a toilet.

You can't be blamed for that. Let me paint a different picture. You did this to me. You did this while you're peeing in the corner. You made me do this. You did this to me. You did this while you're peeing in the corner. You made me do this. Don't look at me. Oh, my gosh. Now you're bringing a story to mind that I don't know if I want to tell.

Oh, yeah. That means you're telling it. Story time. I have to admit something. I have my first. Poops a daisy? I have my first public urination situation yes yes yes yes yes now i feel like i have like an excuse no bathroom no toilet i mean that's a

good excuse well okay yes what is this so a funny thing happened. Oh. Yeah, look at that. All right, so a funny thing happened. And I feel like I could defend myself in a court of law, or maybe not. But I had taken my son to the orthodontist, and this was out in Scottsdale. And I was waiting in the car. It's COVID season, right? Yes. A limited amount of people go in, and my wife took my son in and

i'm just sitting in the car and i realize i'm far from home and i really gots to go right like like i need to go to the bathroom yeah so i texted the wife well first i got out and i walked around the complex there's no open-doored restrooms so due diligence, number one. Okay. Number two, text the wife and say, is there a restroom inside of the orthodontist's office? She says, yes, there is, but it's really packed in here. Okay. The bathroom is packed? The whole office, and I assume people going to the bathroom. I didn't want to go congregate.

It would be a public health hazard. So do we call that due diligence number two? Due diligence number two. I'll be here all day at this point i had to do the i'm walking around the parking lot and i'm going where can i i'm like i need to do this right and i found there's a dumpster like it was like across the way so you climbed in tell me what happened next so i go but there are people other people are walking around the parking lot. I have to do

a full 3-4 minute survey of what angles could potentially see me. Dumpster just exposed or was this a dumpster area? No, this was a fully exposed dumpster. There was an alleyway behind it. It was all open. The dumpster was the

only cover I had. Now daylight? Full daylight. Full daylight. Oh, no. Full daylight to the point where the plan I came up with was this. And the dumpster's not tall enough to hide me completely. You're tall, man. I'm a tall person.

So, in other words, my head's going to be visible where I'm going. You don't squat or duck down a little? No, because I'd rather be surveying who could come up on me than be found out like a dude crouch peeing behind. Excuse me, sir. Don't look at me! What I did is I pulled my phone

out and I pretended I was talking on the phone behind the dumpster. Were you audibly talking really loud? No, because I was a distance that I could just mouth it. But I. So you were lip syncing a phone conversation. Well, because he wanted to make sure that people came by. They're like, oh, he's just having a phone conversation behind the dumpster.

That's right. He needed privacy. So he went behind the dumpster. And I was afraid of my posture. So I. And let me just say this. If any of you have peed in public before you know it's pretty hard to do if you pretend you're casually leaning on a dumpster so i did the half lean

and i'm going half leaning going back and i'm trying not to pee on my shoes and and there are moms in the parking lot with their kids that could definitely see me no but i'm on the phone. Nothing to see here. And then I'm like, man, if a camera got me right now, I will end up on the internet. But man, did it feel good. Wow. Because I took care of business.

And my wife's like, did you find a restroom? And I just said, I took care of it. I sure did. So there you go. And that was, I know this timeline. This was like two weeks ago. I was going to say, that's a recent story. That's very recent, yeah.

Oh my goodness. Congratulations, spitwads. All right, are we moving forward? Here, the official answer is yes. I will say, I can just speak for myself. Seal the bag. If it were my garbage can and your dog takes the dump, but you are being a responsible pet owner and you're picking it up,

throw it in my garbage can, please. Because I would much rather that than just you being one of those cretins that leaves the dog droppings. Would it make a difference if it's empty or full? Like, if it's empty... The trash can or the bag? Let's assume the bag is full.

To the brim. If the trash can is empty, that means you're putting this in here and it's going to be there a whole week. It's going to be there a week. I understand. I'm chipping into society. Okay. Yeah, that's not bad.

Let me paint a different picture, though, real quick, because I wanted to bring this scenario up. You're walking, Jason, you're walking your dogs. Okay. Big doozy poosy or whatever you called it. Poopsy doozy. Poopsy doozy. Show the poopsy doozy some respect. It's right on the sidewalk in front of somebody's house. Okay. Oh, no.zy, or whatever you called it. Poopsy-doozel. Poop, poopsy-doozy. Show the poopsy-doozel some respect.

It's right on the sidewalk in front of somebody's house, okay? Oh, no. Actually, you know what? He scurries up the driveway a couple feet, and he drops it right there. On property. On property. Now, you don't have a bag, but you want to be a good person. Yes.

So you go back home to get a bag. Okay. You return. The poop is missing. I run. I run immediately. I run away as fast as i can as soon as i can see the driveway is clear i turn and i go okay i was thinking maybe you'd be knocking on the

door going like was there some poop out there rocky i'm back for it rocky sugar ketchup we've been made all right uh ronnie from Twitter has a great question for us. What complete stranger will you never forget, good or bad? So a complete stranger to you. Well, I heard about there was this guy behind a dumpster. Never forget that guy. What a phone conversation. My head was on a swivel because I was covering 360 degrees, man.

I needed to know if you could have snuck up on me anywhere. Not the best spot, but middle of a city. So I feel like I did pretty good. I remember a stranger. Okay. I remember a stranger from one of our trips. We went on trips around the country. We do the live show for the fantasy footballers

and we went to a Carl's Jr. Oh, we've talked about Big Gordo. And there was a manager at this Carl's Jr. And the Carl's Jr. is in the middle of literally nowhere. It's like Carl's Jr., random stranger selling pottery on the street

and then nothing else. That's the town. And I just remember that was the nicest freaking dude ever. That guy was amazing. He took so much passion. I've never, I mean, I know we've told the story before, but I don't know, it was 50 episodes ago or something. Might have been two. Who knows?

Who knows at this point? But I've never seen someone so good at their job when their job was working at carl's junior yeah they i mean it made me feel happy as a person find what you're great at find what you're passionate or if you're not if it's not a dream job do it like it's your dream job and maybe you'll find yours yeah i you know as soon as we read the question i was like oh okay what complete stranger will you never forget? All of them. I remember a stranger, and I wasn't even there.

This was a story that you guys told. And if I remember it correctly, it had to do with travel. I think you were maybe on the airplane with this feller, but he was just kind of a, you know, chattier type of feller. And then he referred to one of you as Squanto Montabon. Oh, yes, that's right. That was me. And he called Jason, yeah, he called Jason really short.

Yeah, I was Squanto Montabon. What does that even mean? I don't know, but I got called him. But we do remember him. That's true, that's true. Remember him forever. And I remember Big Gordo. I remember these names once people bring them up. The only that came to mind for me was uh we were we were handing out like uh

care bags to homeless downtown and there was a guy who was in a wheelchair no legs vet and we just talked for like forever nice and heard his story and was man, that dude's had life. He's lived. That guy has had 16 different lives. I guess I remember him. Yeah. We do meet quite a few people on these trips that we've taken. I remember the

one-day bartender at a hotel in Santa Monica. Oh, yeah. Hugo! He was a boss. There's no way this dude's not fired for how much liberties he took with their alcohol supply, but he made his own drinks. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're stopping by the Georgian and Hugo is there, say what's up.

Say hello. Say hello. There you go. Oh, man. All right. Let's go with James from Patreon. If fantasy football were to suddenly stop and the three of you had to immediately create a new podcast where you are an expert at another subject, what profession and subject do you think you could convince the masses to believe you're actually experts in?

Easy. The stock market? The stock market. Yeah. 100% without a doubt it would be a stock market. Bitcoin, crypto, something like that. It would be all encompassing because it would be new school, not old school. And the thing that I have learned from taking in information from all sorts of different resources, articles, radio, podcast, television, on finance, on stock market, on

all these things, is that nobody knows. Nobody knows. They're just saying what they think might happen. Which is just like fantasy football. Fantasy football. Right. Or the weather. We're in the same occupation.

It feels very similar. You gather as much data as you can. You make as educated a decision as possible. you're not always going to be right but at the end if you win more than you lose it's a good thing and i think we would crush that yeah i that makes sense like i can think of specific things each of us might be individually good at but when you think about all three of us coming together we would love to speculate on stocks that'd be perfect oh yeah yeah come up with new names for them all. Not a financial advisor.

Yes. Yeah, you haven't given any advice yet. You're okay. Okay. All right, Laura from the website. Do you know who your wife's celebrity crush was growing up, and do you look like them? I know my wife's.

I know mine, too. I don't know my wife's celebrity i know two of them okay and uh my wife uh my wife has had a thing for orlando bloom okay i think the question's been answered pirates of whether or not i look like him the answer is no identical the other one was anderson cooper and really Yeah. Really? The silver fox, Anderson Cooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She would always, you know, we didn't need to watch the news that much. That's all I'm saying.

Is she watching the news on mute? So those are the two. I don't think I look like either of those people. Far more, like, if you had to convince me of one of them, I would side on the anderson cooper side more than the orlando bloom oh man i don't think you can side on either well that's why i'm just saying if i have to pick between no if her crush had been jesse from breaking bad maybe then i could have pulled it off today you got some pinkman going on yeah i you know at least orlando bloom

was in like a blonde long wig as legolas Maybe you throw him in a blonde long wig. What if I went to the mustache? Doesn't he have a mustache? Doesn't he look like a conquistador all the time? Yeah, yeah. But I like to exclusively view Orlando Bloom as Legolas. Yeah, I forget he's in that movie. You forget he's Legolas?

Yeah. That's kind of what he's known for. Yeah, it's a little... All right, who's your wife's crush? What are we disclosing on the air today? Oh, this is no secret to... Oh, I know who it is. It's Justin Timberlake. Oh, really? Yes.

My wife was... I know a second one for your wife. Oh, hit me. Andy Holloway. Aquaman. Oh, yeah. Jason Momoa. Yeah, but that's a shared crush between the two of us. So, Justin Timberlake. Yeah, Jason Momoa.

My wife was big into the boy band when it was in sync, Britney Spears. They were ruling the world. And to be fair, I understand. If my wife left me for Justin Timberlake, I go, yes, that's a bad beat. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. That's a bad beat but i i see what's going on over here i get it yeah exactly like i'm really sad but i understand like what are you supposed to do yeah i'm no jt because no none of us are no freaking justin timberlake

what about you i i genuinely don't know who my wife's celebrity crush was growing up. What about now? Now I know she likes Chris Pratt. She likes the talent and the funny, and so I would say, nailed it! You had a similar body at one point. Yeah, you look like Chris Pratt. I look like Andy. That's right. From The Office.

Parks and Rec. Parks and Rec. And you want to know what the best part is about andy dwyer the the tubbo funny as we should call him is that he gives me great hope because i know that he went from that to like you know muscle man superhero. And so someday, all I need is that giant movie contract that needs me to be a- Sure, you're so close. Also, handsome face.

You need one of those. All right, here it is. It was JTT. I texted my wife. Oh, yeah. JTT. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yeah, team people, king of the year.

And I did have a JTT haircut, the middle part. Yeah, because we all did. Because we all did. Oh, my gosh. My hair was, the middle part. Yeah, because we all did. Because we all did. Oh, my gosh. My hair was blonde and middle parted and flat. I look like a weirdo, man. I was a really, really cute boy. Like, little features, bright blue eyes, nice hair.

I was a really cute boy. And then as soon as my teen years hit, oh, brother. You did not, as they say, glow up? I blew up in the face with acne extraordinaire. Oh, my goodness. Was that hard for you? Yeah, it was some pretty rough time. There was not enough Accutane in the world.

We're glad you made it out. We're here now. All right, before we jump into the draft, one more quick break. The Spitballers Draft. All right, I like this one. Mike has the first pick. We are drafting fictional characters to collect a debt. You have, look, you've loaned some money out to some good friends

or they used to be good friends, but they've not paid you back and you've warned them. You said, hey, I'm going to send my friends after you. They said, yeah, we're going to pay you next week, but they never do. And now your friends, your posse of four characters have to go out and collect this

debt. Professor X. Now, we didn't make a rule. We said we would restrict this to fictional characters that do not have superpowers or magic or... No special powers. They can't even be robots. They're human. Because there are enough fictional characters to choose from.

This would turn into a Marvel draft. Yeah, that was the worry. So, Mike, you have the very first pick, and I know it's going to be hard for you in a way. I've got my pick. I've got my number one pick here. All right. But I just want to say, like, when I was trying to think about this,

the struggle was, yeah, I mean, you can find intimidating bad guys, but you can also find, like, intimidating good guys who... 100%. You're like, that would be great, but you can also find intimidating good guys. 100%. That would be great, but how good at debt collecting would they actually be? But this character that I am drafting first, he has been on both the dark side and I guess he's kind of on the light side now. He terrifies all members of the underbelly of society. He is like a boogeyman. In fact, they call him Baba Yaga.

And I'm going to take John Wick. Oh, no. Yeah, baby. I knew that would be your first pick. I knew it. I was pretty sure that was your first pick, too. Yeah. So John Wick.

It would have been my first pick. Would it have been your first pick. I knew it. I was pretty sure that was your first pick, too. John Wick. It would have been my first pick. Would it have been your first pick? No. Any chance I have to draft John Wick, I'm going to do it. Yeah. No, it makes sense. So John Wick, taking care of business. Yes.

TCB. Oh, yeah. And you're right. I mean, here's the thing. If you're kind of the hero bad guy or hero debt collector, you do know that you're going to make it through the end of the movie. I mean, the bad guys, they get the job done, but then they probably go down at the end. Yeah, but that's just dumb movie garbage.

That's true. We've seen plenty. Because before we changed the rules, it modified them, we were talking about, well, then how do you not take the Terminator with the first pick? Right. And I was going to argue that, give me the1000 oh over the t yeah like 800 i get that the movie had to kill him off at the end but we all know that the t1000 would have you get your money

back he would have taken the terminator out without a problem you would have taken the t1000 over the t800 yeah with those ears that's ridiculous ridiculous he's got an ear problem oh his ears are so stupid arnold arnold schwarzenegger's where it's at i'm getting i would have taken the 800 over the 1000 but i get it jason you are up as if just as if like the difference between the terminator and the t1000 is going to you know he wouldn't the t the t800 wouldn't have gotten the debt, but once he saw the liquid metal, he coughed up that dough. Alright. You're up, Jay.

I am up, and I had one on my list. It was Wick. You only had one? No, I've got 12. But the order now gets a little nebulous. I'm going to go with someone that... He always gets it done he always gets the job done okay um and he's not always going to have to shoot the place up like john wick john

wick really has one skill give me the money or else i'm gonna kill you um my guy can smooth talk his way oh my guy can convince you to give the money. My guy, you know, now don't get me wrong. Things go south. He going to kill you. Okay. So at the end of the day, he's going to, you're going to have a martini with my guy. It's going to be shaken, not stirred. He's on my list.

Give me Mr. Bond, James Bond. He's going to collect my debt. I have no worries at all. And he may get distracted. Yeah. But he'll come back with my money. He's got worries at all. He may get distracted. Yeah. But he'll come back with my money. He's got some vices. He's got some vices. He may be a longer path but you'll get your money eventually.

I got the debt from your friend and also his wife. He is exactly the guy where I was thinking about. He's on my list. But he's a good guy. Is James Bond really going to be like hey James Frank down the street, he thought he had a hot bet.

He borrowed 10K from me. He's in too deep. I need you to go get that money. Is James Bond really going to take his time to go do that? Yeah, because I'm not collecting bad debts. I'm not a mob boss saying he's running a corner shop on my turf and you need to go get the money. What did they borrow the money?

Yeah, for what though? College education. College education. I helped this kid go to school. Braces. Braces. And he was having some car problems. Lent him some money.

It's time to pay up. All right. So you're going James Bond. I'm actually kind of happy to be at the turn here. Like to get two picks in a row because I think there are a lot of really good picks.

There are. And hopefully the two of them combined might stand to fight against James Bond or John Wick. Well, one of them, I'm going to go with another John right away. And this is the one that I thought could have been at the top of your list, Mike. Yeah, I thought, yes. Other than John Wick, and that is John McClane. No, he's not coming back to you, Mike.

I'm so happy that you took him, because I wanted to make sure it didn't get to Mike. Yeah, John McClane. I had the dreams. So, I mean, when you think about somebody that's going to go to bat for you, John McClane is going to do everything. He'll walk on glass for me.

He will go get that money back. He will take care of business. So I'm going to go with him first. John Wick, John Bond, John McClane. Got it. John Bond. And now that I can't select you know wolverine or luke skywalker or or robocop those don't robocop those um robocop would get i figured he'd take care of that oh he's taking the bond money back oh yeah he got he got the

money right away the and then he and then he killed the person for no reason. Just to be graphically violent. Now this is tough because I was 100% locked in on a certain person, but now I'm having the thought that maybe, just maybe it comes back to me. Oh, you're going to play the draft. And I don't think this other guy will, so I'm going to

mix it up. I'm going to take a gamble. I'm going to write it down over here so I can see if I win the gamble. Okay. I'm going to take a gamble. I'm going to write it down over here so I can see if I win the gamble. I'm going to go with Jason Bourne. He's on my list. Resourceful. He can take care

of you. He handles the gun. He can fight you. He doesn't have to bring the gun. He can send a message by breaking your leg first. Then come back with the gun. He'd get your money. I didn't have him on my list because I wasn't sure if he was considered to have a superpower or not.

What was that? Treadstone? Yeah. Blackstone? Was it Blackstone? I don't remember. It's been a long time. Something stone. We'll allow it. Okay. Now we'll see if my gamble pays off. Jason, you're back up. All right.

But now you're hunting for maybe who I'm... No, no, no, no. I know I'm going here because I'm going in a world that you would think we don't get to draft from because of the superpowers or the force and the magic and all that stuff. But this guy don't really have it. This guy's just... Oh, don't really have it. This guy's just an awesome dude out there taking, and he's used to collecting debt and having problems and getting himself out of trouble. Go with Han Solo.

Oh. Han Solo, baby. Okay, yeah. He's going to get. No, absolutely. He has no magical powers. He's just a dude. Just a dude.

I mean, he might have a blaster, but. Well, not in this situation, he won't. Okay, give him a gun. I'm sure it works the same. Interesting. I didn't think about trying to... Like, I eliminated universes based on that. You could have gone with Jabba the Hutt.

I don't think he has any special powers either. Not a human, but no superpowers. Mike, you are back on the clock. All right. I love... Al Borland wrote down Hans Solo, like it's Hans Gruber over here. You ever seen Star Wars? Isn't this the second time?

This happened before. The same thing with Han Solo? Apparently. I thought I could. Hans Gruber. Hans Booby. All right. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry, Jeremy. All right. You're back up, Mike. You get two picks. Yep. So I need... Sorry, sorry, sorry, Jeremy Alright Ear back up, Mike You get two picks Yep So I need I need some muscle

Uh-oh I need someone who is extremely strong Uh-oh And I understand that Well, I mean, I guess he did theoretically come back But this guy is actually I think I believe factually he is considered

the strongest man in the world. I think he's won some competitions. But I will be taking the mountain from Game of Thrones. Oh, that's a good pick. Because that guy is going to be, he's not going to have to. Well, he's a load. He will not have to harm you because he will just i'll stand there with him okay say frank i really need that money back he probably knocks on the door

you're the door brought the door may fall off and then somebody just hands him the money he walks away he doesn't do nothing that's an easy piece he has the same amount of lines collecting a debt that he had in Game of Thrones, which is nothing. That's great. That's a good pick. I only had movies in my mind. I didn't think about TV shows, but obviously fictional characters are fictional characters. All right.

And I have my guess of who Andy wrote down. So I'm going to write down who I think that you think. You're not going to pick them. I am not because I have someone that I want to make sure that I get on my list because not only is she incredibly BA, she knows she can handle any weapon you give her. She is extremely resourceful. I know exactly where he's going. If you actually eliminated universes, you would have forgotten about this person who was in the Terminator, but does not have Terminator problems.

I will take Sarah Connor. Oh, okay. Have you seen T2? Oh, yeah. That lady was not letting anybody. No, that's a good pick. Anybody take her son out. But she was fighting for the life of her son, not collecting 100 bucks.

You know what I mean? Jason, I don't lend out $100. I lend out hundreds of thousands of dollars. Brooks money over here. All right. That's a good pick. Yeah. That's a good pick.

I saw her on a lot of lists of, uh, the, cause she's all, have you seen, uh, I just watched the new one, the newest one.

I have not seen that one. Uh, I was annihilation. I don't remember whatever, but it was the terminator. Everyone's really excited. She's back in it. Yeah, she's back and Arnold is back. Yeah. How's Grandma

Sarah Connor doing? It's a little rough around the edges. Is that the one you just drafted? No. Grandma Connor? Grandma Connor. Nope. I went with T2 Sarah Connor. Alright, Sarah Connor. Not a bad pick at all. Jason, you are back up. I realized something about my pick that I wanted to get to me.

I don't think it's eligible. Oh, awesome. Then I'm wrong. Superman. Wait, what? I'm going to try to pick it, but we'll see. All right. We'll try to not let you.

All right. I've got a lot of names here that I wanted, but they're just not as fun. I want to go with a fun name. Yeah. I want to go with some- Roger Rabbit. Got it. I'm going to go with Doc Holiday. I want to go with a fun name. Yeah. Roger Rabbit. Got it. I'm going to go with Doc Holliday.

I'm your Huckleberry. He's going to come out here with some six shooters. Now that's, okay, so that is the exact same problem with my pick, which is that that's a real person. So it's not a fictional character. So I thought maybe I wouldn't be allowed to have him. Oh, that's a good point. Because Doc Holliday exists.

Yeah, I was going to put Chuck Norris down, but then I was like, he's a real dude. That's true. All right. Well, all right. I'm out. I think maybe throw him. It's a good look.

It's a good pick, but it's not a fictional character. Texas Ranger is available. That's just Chuck Norris. There's no acting in the show. Well, now I can say, yeah, now I can say William Wallace was the guy that I was going to say. Oh, he's on my list. But he's the same story. That's right.

He was a historical character. He does not count. All right. So Doc Holliday, William Wallace. I knew you put a W down. They are gone. Oh, man. I don't know if this one is fictional or not.

You guys will have to tell me. Teach me my history. The lines have become blurry for Jason. The lines have become blurry. Ronald Reagan. Wait, was he real? I thought this was just a lot of... All right.

Maximus. No. Maximus. No. From Gladiator. Decimus Meridius. Yeah, baby. Oh, I thought that was a shoo-in for my last hit.

Husband to a murder wife. Yeah. Father to a murdered son. Are you not entertained? out of here decimus meridius yeah baby oh i thought that was a shoe-in for my last husband to a murder wife yeah father to a murdered son are you not entertained and i will have my vengeance oh man that that is disappointing because that is stolen directly from my next pick oh fantastic so and if i let you take stupid doc holiday i could have had maximus i believe he's fictional yeah yeah all right and it look if he is real, I don't know. Yeah, it's good enough. All right, so there are a couple ways to think. I have two picks left, right?

Right here. You have the hero that can go get it done, but you have intimidation. The Mountain's not a good guy. No. He's a bad dude. I'm going to go with. He's a man.

Look, don't insult my man. He's just a good guy. No. He's a bad dude. I'm going to go with. He's a man. Look, don't insult my man. He's just a man for hire. Okay, but he's a bad dude for hire. Look, he's got to pay his rent, too. You know what he doesn't have? A moral compass. All right. I'm going to go with one that is in the Jason Bourne, John McClane side of things.

Okay. And I'll start with that, and that is Brian Mills. Oh, yeah. From Taken. So Liam Neeson from Taken. He is on my list, and he would have been like a last round pick. I will get my money. But you don't know who Brian Mills is.

Because the name power of Brian Mills is 0.0. Well, that's why I think we need to be very careful when we post this poll. We just need to put the names of them. People understand that it's Liam Neeson in Taken. Just the names. Names only. Names only. Well, look. I'm going to go away. I'm not going to win. We know that from

history. So I'm going to go with who I think jumps out as the scariest guy to come collect a debt that's possible. Get those debts, man. And I don't know if either of you have seen the movie, but I'm taking Antoine from No Country for Old Men. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen it.

Oh, with his little pressure gun? With his little pressure gun. And that face. That is one of the scariest movie characters that I've ever seen in my entire life. The scene where he, I believe, it's been so long since I've seen it, but he's in like a gas station and deciding you have no idea if he's going to pay the attendant or if he's just going to pop a bolt in his face. Yeah, Javier Bardem plays that character.

And it's Anton from No Country for Old Men. That character is fabulous. That character is a once-in-a-lifetime type of character. I have not seen the movie, but I clearly know who the character is. You should see that movie. Yes, I should. That's one I missed, but I've seen enough clips. Anyway, he's going to get my money and more.

Yeah, he probably will. He's going to bring back some more. He will. All right. I'm between two characters here, and one of them, they're the same exact actor. And in one of these two movies, this guy played a debt collector. And I don't think you realize that this character was a debt collector. So it's like, what fictional character do you want to collect your debt?

I don't know. The one who's a debt collector? I would imagine is pretty good at it. But I'm not going to take that version of this actor. Emilio Estevez? Emilio! I'm not going to take the version of this actor because if he got in a fight, despite the fact that he is a boxer, if he got in a fight with John Rambo, John Rambo winning that fight over Rocky, who was a debt collector.

Rocky was a debt collector? Rocky was a debt collector. But here's the problem. I did a little research, and he was like, he wouldn't fight for debts. He wouldn't break the guy's fingers. He was a good guy.

He took like half the money in one of the situations. I'm like, I want all my money. You could just call him on the phone and say you owe us some money. Yeah, I want all my money. So I'm going to get Rambo down there. Look, either you pay me today

or I'm calling you back tomorrow. Right. So yeah, Rambo. Rambo is my pick. And I know how well John names do here, so John Rambo. All right. Oh, man. I am torn between two names.

One I think would be far more effective, and the other one is just really fun. Oh, man. Curse these polls. Draft with your heart. Fortnite. Nope. I will take the guy who is far more effective at getting me my debts back. Ethan Hunt.

I will take Ethan Hunt from the Mission Impossible series because he doesn't have to be Ethan Hunt. He could be grandma from down the street. Give me my money back. And then takes the mask off. Yes. Surprise. It's me. And now I get to run.

That's what I do. I'm Tom Cruise. When he gets the debt back, do some doves fly out? That's only in part two that's only if John Woo was involved you also know that the only way he's going to get the debt is by breaking into the vault that's fine you know which is highly secured and protected but he'll get there I mean I drafted James Bond with my right you know with my first pick and this is I don't know John Wick Wick. Poor man's James Bond. The Mountain, Sarah Connor, and Ethan Hunt for Mike. James Bond, Han Solo, Maximus from Gladiator, and Rambo. And I went John McClane, Jason Bourne, Brian Mills, and Anton Sugar.

Sugar. Anton from No Country for Old Men. The only way that I accept your comment without extreme verbal sparring here is because the Daniel Craig version of James Bond, that dude feels pretty serious. Yeah. As much as I like James Bond, all the other ones. Pierce Brosnan?

Yeah, Pierce Brosnan. In fairness. I love Goldeneye. He's great. Yeah. But it's Pierce Brosnan. In fairness to I love, like, Goldine's great, but is Pierce Brosnan Sean Connery? Yeah. Me, I was 100% drafting, yeah, the awesome, the Daniel Craig.

The Daniel Craig version. The name, just in case anyone was curious, and I thought you wrote it down. Yeah. Because I saw the W. Yeah. I thought you were going to go with Walter White. Oh, my gosh. That's a good pick

I was torn between him and Ethan It was two W's, it was William Wallace I had three names on my list undrafted I had Captain Jack Sparrow He knows how to steal the money He's not giving you that money He's taking it, but he's not giving it to you

I didn't collect that Aragorn, because he's just a regular dude. No special powers. And Jango, Unchained. I mean, he would get that money. Yes, he would. I couldn't help but think of Alonzo Harris, which was Denzel's character in Training Day. For sure.

As well. That movie was great. I didn't know you liked to get wet. All right. Do you have anybody else on your list, Mike? I had- Oh, Tony Montana. I have him too. Say hello to my little friend. I had him get wet. All right. Do you have anybody else on your list, Mike? I had- Oh, Tony Montana. I have him too.

Say hello to my little friend. I had him on here, and I chose not to draft him because I believe in the comic book version, he kind of has a bit of a superpower, but in the movie version, Bane had no powers in The Dark Knight Rises. Yes. That's pretty good. But I think in the comic, he pumps himself full of venom, and then he gets really strong. Yeah.

So I didn't want to deal with that. And then I didn't know if he had superpowers, but Conan the Barbarian. No, I think he would have. Yeah. I think he's just a barbarian. He's just a- I think he's just a barbarian. A plain old run-of-the-mill barbarian.

I wanted to try to do some draft where I draft all one actor. just a barbarian he's just i think he's just a barb a plain old run-of-the-mill barbarian i wanted to try to do some draft where i draft all one actor oh bruce willis could have done it or did zealous arnold could have done it too stallone could have done it oh the eraser keanu could have done it yeah yeah all right yeah get johnny utah in there what did we learn today oh we all know what we learned today. We learned that Andy peed behind a dumpster. When you gotta go, you gotta go. I learned that Mike has a very, very special house-only ballet move. Yes.

I learned that a male ballerina is a ballerino. That's right. That is right. A ballerino. I learned that a male ballerina is a ballerino. That's right. That is right. A ballerino. I'm so smart. How do you spell ballerino? That's the real question. That's for another segment.

Put it on highway to spell. All right. That'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers. Thanks for listening in. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.