Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Attacked by a Sailor & Humanity’s Greatest Threats - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 28, 2022

Spit Hit for April 28, 2022: It’s the end of the world as we know it! On today’s show, we draft the most fascinating existential threats to humanity. We also have a blast rambling about other nonsense like sleeping in, putting our face on money, having a scrawny bodyguard, and the infamous 5 second rule! This is another hilarious episode that you do not want to miss! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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Is it an asteroid? Or was that a piece of paper crumpling? I don't know. We don't know. We don't know. Is it an asteroid? Or was that a piece of paper crumpling? I don't know. We don't know. We don't know. It's dangerous, though. We do know that humanity's greatest threats are being drafted on today's episode. And what do you think it is?

A meteor or crumpling paper? We don't know what is humanity's greatest threats yet. But at the end of this episode, you will know. Also, we're attacked by a sailor. Enjoy this classic spit hit. You're going to love it. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Beep, bop, boop, beep, beep, babba-da-boop. Oh, I like it. Yeah, that has so many meanings. Sure, sure, I can see that. Welcome into the Spitballers Podcast, episode 96. Oh my goodness. Oh, far away. Would you rather, that's a great question, and a special draft for you today.

Beep, bop, baby-de-boop. Al Borland is here. Yeah, that's one of the meanings. The draft is tied in, I guess, to that. That's right. Everything's going just fine around these parts. I am mustached out. Yes.

It has given me something to focus on during these times your mustache my mustache focused on your mustache as is everyone else who looks at you we are completely focused on your mustache and also our children you can't want to protect them You can't stop the mustache. You can only hope to contain it. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Moving on. YouTube.com slash Spitballers. If you want to see it.

If you want to see it. Look, not everybody's in the same camp as you and your family, Jason. Yeah, I'm with it, man. There's a lot of fans. It's stashtastic, bro. Thank you, Mike. I respect facial hair game, man. It doesn't matter.

It is a good mustache. I will say that. It is a solid. I know. You said I rock the stache, but then at the same time, you want to run away from it. I'm just saying there's a lot of creepy people that rock the stash. That's true. I mean, they've got solid stash and huge stash game.

It went from my wife hating me to her saying something yesterday. She did say, maybe it'll grow on me. How many days in was that? just two, just the second day bro, you're gold she's gonna be in love she's gonna just be head over heels for you soon alright

Al Borland is here, how are you doing Al? doing good, what's up spitwads? Superman does good that's right, we have a great show let's get to it would you rather all right james from the website would you rather have your face on the one dollar bill. Interesting. I get it. I don't even have to think about this.

If I had to guess your answer, Mike, I think you'd be all about the Benjamins. Well, Jason, it's about one thing. It's all about said Benjamins. It's all about the rights. Mike wants the $100. Yeah, but no one's 100 Puff Daddy's not or P. Diddy whatever his name is now

I think it's Daddy now he goes by P. Daddy he's not writing songs it's all about the Washingtons cause I need a pack of gum he's singing it's all about the Benjamins cause I'm out there making it rain hundos this was the

case of like there have to be more ones readily used your face of course more distributed yeah i mean that's the thing is a you know leave it to mike the music man to worry about singing you know all about the rights uh but the reality is everyone has $1 bills everywhere. They're exchanged left, right, and center. You are so much more in circulation on the $1 bill. But it's too common. I see it all the time, and I'm just like, meh. It's not special. You forget that George is on there.

Georgie Porgie, who cares? But do you respect George Washington more, or do you expect, you know? Honestly, it boosts Benjamin Franklin. His Q factor is out of the park. I'm trying to find a way. I lean the hundred. Yeah, that's right. I'm trying to find a way that the $1 bill is the right answer.

I don't think it is. I mean, come on. You still see hundreds. You know what I mean? I almost think there'll be more. The percentage of people with hundreds or ones, because of the fact almost nobody carries cash, I could see more people, I don't know, more often having the hundreds now. No, you're not wrong.

And people are excited to see you. Oh. If I open my wallet and George is there, I'm like, can you imagine this mustache on a $100 bill? And you know how excited people would be to see that mustache? Yeah, they would. Yeah, they would.

That's a hundred for me. You gotta go classy. It's a hundo. Al, are you with us? Yeah, I'm going that way. All right. Oh, my sirloin from Patreon. What? That is the Spitwad supporter on Patreon.

Thank you for your support. Their name is Oh My Sirloin. I thought this was an Omaha Steaks ad for a second. Would you rather have a scrawny looking bodyguard that can bench 350 or a big, bulky, intimidating bodyguard that is super weak and would lose every fight. So this is deterrent versus delivery. But hold on.

Is that his only party trick? You said that the scrawny bodyguard can bench 350. He could win the fight. He can throw down. Yeah, he can throw down. He can win the fight. He can throw down. He will protect you. Would you rather have the big guy to hopefully stave off the need for a fight or the little guy

who is going to be inviting. You're not going to have that protection of, oh, that guy's got a bodyguard. I'm staying away. Look, we're all super celebs. Super. We'll be on the hundreds real soon. Soon.

And we know what it's like to... You want me to bring my bodyguard in here? Come on in. No, he's not a part of this show. He's going to stay over there. We talked about your bodyguard last week. Yeah. Or a couple weeks ago.

Who knows when that was. But it's one of those things where if you need a bodyguard, you don't want to use them, right? Correct. You want to deter it. So what? I want my bodyguard to be able to do something. A bodyguard, no matter how intimidating they look for certain people, the body bodyguards gonna get tested what percentage of bodyguards out there that are hired and used ever actually that's a great question into conflicts and fights

i it's gotta be less than one percent less than one percent this is like you know this is like the security system sign out front your house instead of this you know paying the monthly subscription to have it on your home and i don't want to get if if someone is not going to fight me guard i know the bodyguard's jumping in man yeah but here's the thing mike i want you to really think through this let's say a ruckus happens right and? And this guy comes through. He's going to punch your lights out. And all of a sudden, the big, brutish, monstrous bodyguard gets thrown out of the way by this guy because he's not actually strong. You're still going to look good at the end of this thing. You know what I mean?

Wait, how am I going to look good with my face bashed in? I'm not saying physically. I'm saying metaphorically. People are going to be like, well, yeah, I i mean he threw that bodyguard out of the way but now what happens if you know a guy's coming at you and this little scrawny guy's got to get your back because you can't fight your own fights and this little itty bitty guy is like oh thank you you you you saved me won't you let me let me put it this way if you put some like if you put conor mcgregor in baggy clothing he's gonna look scrawny he's he's not gonna look like someone who

yes he will if you put him in baggy clothing he will look scrawny but he's not scrawny so yeah i know he's not but my is, this bodyguard is scrawny. Yeah, this dude's Doug from Nickelodeon. Exactly. Oh, then it's even better. I'm going to try and get in fights all the time so Doug and his green sweater vest can just beat the crap out of people. You could bait people.

If that was the direction you were going, that would be smart. I was going to say I want the big guy because if someone's coming after me, if I have the scrawny guy, they're coming at me. If I have the big guy, they're going to go with the big guy first. They're not coming at me. Are they? Yeah, because they're going to need the big guy. No, they're going direct to the source.

No, they're going to the big man. You got to get them out of the way. They're going through the bodyguard first either way. They're going through the bodyguard first either way. They're going through the bodyguard first either way. Well, they won't know that the scrawny guy is the bodyguard. Well, until he jumps in front. Okay. Look, I'm taking the big guy.

Element of surprise. And I'm going to start working out and taking Muay Thai and Jiu-Jitsu again. Oh, no, you are not, Jason. No, you're not. In this hypothetical world, I 100% am. I sure am. So if I get this big, weak bodyguard, I'm going to do it because here's you say you're inviting fights so that your little scrawny bodyguard can show up.

That's right. I'm inviting fights because when my humongous, studly bodyguard gets easily tossed aside and I come in and wallop my would-be a sailor oh i'm gonna look so good a sailor there's a sailor attacking you a sailor a sailor there's the word no or but it could be the sailor man shows up he could be a navy man i'll give him a one two you could be threatened by a gang of navy men did i say an assailant you did say an assailant and a sailor is not a word is that true oh well a sailor is two words uh i think the word you were looking for was assailant but maybe i'm wrong maybe maybe all assailants are sailors but not all sailors are assailants.

Maybe that's the way it is. To assail. A sailor. To assail. To attack violently. I was right. Hold on. Hold on.

No. Whenever you say you're right, I still am unsure. Well, then you're going to have to get out that old Dr. Google. One who starts hostile action bam because i googled a sailor and it said did you mean a sailor no apparently i can't spell spell it right now an assailant is a person who physically attacks another then what is it the same as in a sailor. So they both work.

They both are the same. That's called a synonym. Is it? When they're that close together, that's still a synonym? Probably. I think it's called a mistake in the language-making process.

That's not on us. That's on them. Stink, stink, stunk. Thank you. All right. Sandra from Twitter wants to to know would you rather have the ability to look at a person and see the worst thing that they have ever done or see the best thing that they have ever done come on oh so wait this is like come on this evil. Like this is morbid curiosity versus joy.

No, it's not just that. I mean, if you're... Oh, one of these says financial gain. Well, that's certainly pretty blackmail. Hey, I didn't use that word. I said financial gain. But what I'm saying is, if you could... Like, I don't... Immediately when you're reading this question, I'm like, Mike and I's eyes got big.

We don't want to know people's darkest secrets. I don't want that door open. Oh, I do. I don't want them to know my dark secrets. Yeah. I mean, look, everyone has some skeletons in the closet. I don't want to see them. But here's the thing.

That actually has practical value. Hiring? Hiring? Sure. Babysitters? Babysitters? here's the thing that actually has practical value hiring hiring sure babysitters babysitters who i'm gonna know your deepest darkest secret dating if there's those of you out there dating it'd be nice to know and think about this what if you see a guy like me with a mustache like this you want to know you need that skill and you know what is there candy? I'm a lawman. I'm a lawman. What if you're in the dating scene, and that proves to be great, because their deepest, darkest secret is like, they left the milk jug out. Yeah, that's possible.

What if they're just this great person? On the flip side, and you see someone's, what is it, the greatest thing they've ever done? The best thing they've ever done. So, you know, they're a humanitarian. They're taking care of people. They walked the old lady across the street. They donated, helped fundraise. What if the best thing you've ever done was, like, really, really bad?

Oh, that could be even worse. He beat Final Fantasy VII. That's the best thing I've ever done. Put away the ketchup. That would be an indictment in and of itself. Yeah, that's just as good. Yeah, I think you got to take the deepest, darkest secret, but there are downsides.

Oh, 100%. You are living in the smut. Let me say this. You're living in a bad life. The ability to do it is different than having it happen every time you see someone if everybody saw you saw it right away i wouldn't want that how if you have the ability how are you not looking at everybody going i know what you did here's here's how because you'd get tired of it the only way the only way that you wouldn't immediately do that is because you had

a run of a hundred people in a row that have destroyed your soul because you looked in and saw and you're like, I can't take anymore. People are the worst. Here's the thing. People are the worst. Yeah, they can be. You're going to have nightmares. And that's without knowing their darkest secrets. Yeah, we already know how bad people are without having those things exposed.

Let me set this up for you, Mike, as an example. Now, Al, tell us the worst thing you've ever done, and then we'll see if it makes an impact on us emotionally or whether we could deal with it. Al? My mic's not working right now. Let me fix it. Okay. Well, I guess we could handle handle it you guys want to do some but the thing about it is like you guys are saying oh you could avoid it but i feel like that is just that will be that's avoiding a mosquito bite it will just be scratching you internally of knowing you need to know that about everybody yeah but if you could know, you would know.

I think Mike's right. If you could know. You could not avoid it. You would know. And Mike would crawl up to us in a month's time and say, take this power from me. For sure. Take it from my body.

I think if the question was. My life is horrible. I can't resist. Would you rather be able. Or have raccoon eyes and just tears coming down your face? Mike, why are you crying? Kill me. If you could choose to either have that as, you know, your whatever superpower or not have any power. I'm definitely taking the no power.

I'm taking no power. I'm happy with this life fair enough all right let's do some great questions spit wads are you worried about all the chemicals you're using to keep your lawn looking its best traditional lawn care lays down 90 million pounds of pesticides each year. Sunday is different. Now you don't have to choose between having a beautiful yard and keeping your family out of harm's way. Sunday can help you grow a beautiful lawn without the guesswork or the nasty chemicals. Their custom plans include fertilizer, everything you need to easily care for your lawn with ingredients like seaweed, iron, and molasses. You can feel good with your kids and your pets being around.

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that's a great question all right michael from patreon how closely do you think that the five-second rule should be followed? Isn't it more of a five-second guideline? It's a guideline, definitely. Is that decided at the governor level or the federal level? It's federal. That is a nationwide guideline is the five-second rule. That doesn't go state by state. In fact, I think it's a global i think it's

a global thing it's actually a who recommendation yeah exactly i'm actually curious about that what would their recommendation be all of our listeners from the other side of the world i i want to know if the five second rule is in effect there if that's because everybody knows it here but like five second rule being something drops on the ground if If you pick it up, you got five seconds. If you pick it up within five seconds, you can continue eating it. I want to know if the damage is done in the first second, and the five-second rule is just an illusion. It could be the 60-second rule.

You got the same amount of germs. It certainly is. It's done. Five-second rule. This is not science. There are certain things you could drop that would probably get worse over time like over the course of a minute like sure it could get worse but you once it's dropped like an ice cube yes pick it up after three minutes

um here's the thing i think the five second rule is really just a way to placate your conscience based on ground type okay because you're not doing the five second rule in the dirt in a public restroom no i mean i'll be like oh my banana oh that's the one second five second rule yeah that's the no second rule that's no second but you know if you're in your kitchen and you drop something and you know it's like okay but like if it's on carpet you know just think in your house if i'm in my kitchen and i drop it i'm that five second rule's in play if it's on a plush you eat a lot of bananas in a public restaurant well where else do you eat them on the way out at the grocery store you stop it

no it's a lunch break it no trust jason the guy with the mustache is the problem not the banana eater in the all right so uh you're you're in this situation i am i i will openly admit I have a very double standard situation when it comes to food hitting the floor. If I see somebody else eat something off the floor, they're disgusting. If I eat something off the floor, I've made a very educated scientific determination that it is fine, and it would be far more inconvenient for me to replace that item than just eat it. I'm curious where you guys are on your children children because with my children it's a 50 second rule i if they drop their food i don't care you get you you eating that you get no time limit you pick that up you eat it i don't care but kids are more resilient to the disease that's what

we've decided i'm building up their antibodies i'm getting them ready for life this is for you this is for you eat that spaghetti off the carpet let me ask you okay jason great i have a great hypothetical situation for you it's morning time your kids have been awake for who knows how long okay you you stumble downstairs on the kitchen floor is your favorite type of donut. You don't know when it got there. You don't know who dropped it. Does it look pristine? Does it look nice?

No, it's perfectly fine. It's just on the floor. There ain't no chance that that's not entering my belly. I mean, that thing is done. There we go. There's no time limit. There's no time limit. You have dogs, right?

You have multiple dogs that have been around. I mean, I'm going to look at the thing, right? Is it wet? No, but you said it's pristine limit. There's no time limit. I wake up. You have dogs, right? You have multiple dogs that have been around. I mean, I'm going to look at the thing, right? Is it wet? No, but you said it's pristine condition. Yeah, it is pristine condition. It's a nice Boston cream pie. It could have been dropped a second ago. It could have been there for 30 minutes. You have no idea. It's a full Boston cream pie? Boston cream donut.

Your fantasy is getting better and better. You've been dreaming of coming downstairs to a Boston Green Pie. Look, someone dropped an entire breakfast buffet. I scooped the eggs, get some bacon off the floor. Watch out for the grease. It's slippery. So, yeah, I can see.

No, there's no time limit. It's a floor. It's completely to me. Yeah, flooring type matters 100%. So, like a wet, soggy carpet. What about outside? How do you feel about a sidewalk a sidewalk that one has gone back and forth in my life how i mean it's got to be cleaner dirt it's a pretty clean sidewalk

in arizona i've always thought that you know the sun has killed anything dangerous on the sidewalk that's true no bacteria can live on no nothing can live on that sidewalk. But there's dirt everywhere. Yeah, you are eating dirt, and I acknowledge that. Yeah, eating dirt is probably not as bad as we think, right? No, eating dirt is perfectly fine until you get like a grit between your teeth. When you feel it, you go, oh, yeah, I've made a mistake. So have you ever bought the butter lettuce that's got all the dirt at the bottom of it? Do you know what I'm talking about?

You can buy lettuce from the store that's already like a head that's got dirt at the bottom of it. So you can buy dirty lettuce at your store. That is correct. Where does lettuce grow, Jason? Let me change the story. You're at your local lettuce farm and you pull a head of lettuce off the ground. It probably doesn't matter that much if you eat a little bit of... I don't just chomp right in.

You're not getting sick from that dirt. Do you pull the carrot up out of the ground and go, Mmm, delicious. Let me get this dirt off, lick. No, you don't try to eat dirt. I don't know where we got with this. But ultimately, five-second rule, should or should not be followed? I say it doesn't matter.

It's all a matter of flooring type. Yes, flooring type matters far more than the time. All right, more important question, a great one from Jacob. At what time does sleeping become sleeping in? That's a great question. I don't know how this is being presented but so we're recording this we're remote everyone's at home uh right now on my screen on the video screen i am the middle and i am so excited to hear the difference of opinion between Andy, who is above me, and I know what time Andy wakes up, and Jason, who I know what time he regularly wants to wake

up. So sleeping in, the difference of this is going to be at least, I'm going to set the over-under. Four hours? I'm going to set the over-under at four and a half hours between the difference of answers between the two of you. Between sleeping in? No.

Sleeping in. Sleeping in, Jason. Not what time you want to wake up. Sleeping in. Sleeping in. Wait. Tell the truth. Wait.

Define that difference to me. Between sleeping in and the time I want to sleep till. Well, oversleeping. Yeah. Isn't that sleeping in? Oversleeping?

Yeah. Okay. You don't know the liberties with your time? I have my answer. Andy, do you have your answer? I think mine is a sliding scale based on when you went to bed, unfortunately. Alright. Regular bedtime. Regular bedtime.

Regular bedtime? Yes. Let's limit these variables. Okay. I've got the time in my head okay jason what is your answer we can say it at the same time okay let's try that all right give us a countdown mike yeah count us down three two one 11 a.m oh we're what yeah wait what 5 a.m 5 a.m., 10 a.m.? Yeah, I said 10. How are you sleeping in that long? I feel like a sleep in is like an hour extra. Well, I'm not no 5 a.m.

I'm 6. You wake up at 6 a.m. every day, right? Okay, hold on. I wake up between 5.45 and 6.45. Are you still waking up at 6? Well, yeah, my body's kind of used to it, so mostly. Okay. I can hang out and check my phone for a half hour in bed now that we're stuck at our houses all day long.

But you're awake. But I'm awake. Yeah, my body just wakes up around 6, 6.15 after 11 years of the children. Jason, what time are you waking up? Oh, man. I would say... I know I send you guys Slack messages in the morning, and I don't hear nothing.

Yeah, but you're in the morning, has a six in front of it every time. When I wake up and I check Slack messages... I send them at seven, I send them at eight, I send them at nine. Yes, you do. But they start with a six. When did you get up on average over the last week? Yes, you do. But they start with a six. So, you know. When did you get up on average over the last week? I'm going to say 10.

Okay, so my sleeping in time. Yes. Mike, I'm guessing you're sitting there about 7.30. I'm right in the middle. I'm at 8 o'clock. 8 o'clock? Oh, that's nice. Do your kids get up way before you and then you're able to sleep in?

Yeah, well, they, generally speaking. Eight o'clock? Oh, that's nice. Do your kids get up way before you and then you're able to sleep in? Yeah. Generally speaking. How much food and television do you have to give them to have this happen? The television is the problem. This is me swiping an unlimited credit card that I think will never come back to haunt me. Pay to win. Oh, no. I got to sleep. Let them watch TV and then they turn into monsters because they've been watching TV all morning.

See, this is great. In my home right now, in this life, there is a routine Monday through Friday that starts that my kids are now good with. And it's all school-based. It starts at 8 a.m. So whether I'm up or not, they're there at 8 a.m. doing school. Our own? Hold on.

No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. We need an extra question jason what time is your wife waking up yes yes reveal yourself reveal yourself take off your mask reveal yourself i will not i'll just say i am the early riser. Oh, what? Oh, no. That was M. Night Shyamalan. That went the wrong way. I'm usually the one up taking care of the kids. Mike, this is very easy math.

10 a.m. is Jason's average. You have Lord of the Flies in your house every single morning. Yeah, but they're doing schoolwork. Do you even see your children? Do you live in completely different time frames? Every single morning. Yeah, but they're doing schoolwork. My children would kill each other. Do you live in completely different time frames? No, we spend a lot of quality time. But, you know, I got to eat. You know that, like, 12 to 2 o'clock?

Yes, that's the money. You wake up and have lunch with your children? Yes, we wake up and have lunch with the children. My breakfast is usually lunch. Oh, this got out of control this quarantine has been i mean because you know look in normal life i was 6 30 a.m every day so it's going to be hard for you to get off of this quarantine it's gonna be bad man it's gonna be bad mike what's your sleeping in time by the way uh sleeping Sleeping in is 9 o'clock. That's what you would say sleeping in is?

Yeah. I mean, sleeping in for young Mike is, I don't know, 2, 3 p.m. But, I mean, with you, my body has adjusted to waking up early. My body still doesn't wake up naturally at 6 30 or 7 o'clock but it's sleeping in would be about nine al i'm usually up at 6 6 6 30 so sleeping in would be 8 8 30 he's my friend on slack at that time of day yeah i was gonna say i'm always the one replying to your your comments on slack at 6 in the morning because owl borland lived a long life of waking up at like what four yeah 3 30 or four for about 15 years and for the listeners that is am yes that is not all he had a long life of sleeping

in super late so now he gets up early he is sleeping in late when he gets up at 6 6 30 am the hard part my problem go ahead al i was I was just going to say my problem in current life is we have nothing going on in the morning, so we're staying up super late watching TV because, oh, we don't have to be up early, but then I still wake up at 6 o'clock. So I'm sleeping far less now than I would in a normal life. That's the trap is you go on vacation or you have the kids being watched by somebody, and you like oh man i'm gonna sleep in and uh i can't do it i just can't do it that is bad and really i've it took me a while to adjust um but not that long not too long less than a month all right trevor from patreon has a great question he says the dad from 1950

is suddenly thrust into parenting in 2020 what is he going to be most upset about oh that's easy that's super easy television like electronics i mean he's gonna be so that's a very wide range jason i want you to narrow that down well is it a boy or a girl what's the kid because if it's a boy it's gonna be a dad from the did you hear the question i'm saying a dad of a boy or a dad of a girl both then tv it'll be okay because in 1950 tv wasn't what it is now you know there weren't tvs in multiple rooms of the house. And you know, what's funny is TV. I feel like was appreciated more in the, in 1950 because the, it was so novel and people would sit around and like literally watch it.

We only think that because of back to the future one. That's a hundred percent. When I thought we have no, is it really? Yes. Because in back to the future, they watch it together, pull up the TV and they're like, Oh, we, we, we got to get this going. And they're watching during dinner. We don't know if that actually happened.

Michael J. Fox said it happened. So that's my historical facts. I'm 36. I don't know what happened before me. That's right. What would they be most upset about? Probably, do you think dating? Do you think the way people date now, they'd be most upset about? Probably, do you think dating? Do you think the way people date now, they'd be that upset?

That's a good one. I mean, probably, but I feel like it just, yeah. Because my understanding of 1950s dating is that your parents introduce you to someone and you date them and marry them that was how dating worked in 1950s that's my historical understanding sounds easy doesn't happen that way anymore no oh no it doesn't you want to see that dad drop dead let him peruse tiktok for five minutes oh there you go yeah i'm not gonna go down the train of thought there bella from the website what movie did you start watching and then say forget this i'm not finishing

this movie wow i have have you walked out of a movie theater i have because the movie's bad i have never ever walked out of a movie theater i think i have stopped I have never ever walked out of a movie theater. I think I have stopped maybe three movies in my entire life. You're a patient man. Well, I feel like I've started this. I've invested 20. To me, you have to give something at least 20 minutes.

A movie. You've got to give it at least 20 minutes to know if it's going to become something or not. And at that point, I've now given 20 minutes of my life. Oh, then you're pocket-mitted? I'm going to see it through. In my heart, I'm a collector. I'm a completionist. It's built into me that I got to wait until the credits are up. So I've turned off so few movies, wait until the credits are up. So I've turned off so few movies, but the one that I know for sure I turned it off, there was a Jason Statham movie, and it was like a video game.

It was one of those where they tried to turn a video game into a movie, and they always suck. And you gave up on it? Yeah, I'll look it up while you guys talk about yours. But it was so terrible because I adore Jason Statham. Was it Hitman? No, Jason Statham wasn't Hitman. That was Tim something or other. He was bald.

That's all I know. Yeah. Jason, did you know that anyone can be bald in a movie? Yes, yes. Special effects. Timothy Oliphant. I think that was Hitman uh so i'll look it up yeah well you guys talk about yours i think that one that stands out to me and i think i left

i really do i hope it was the happening you left you left the plant movie man you went you had to see that car crash to the end i just remember hating it so much so if i didn't leave physically i left mentally in that movie at some point and now i leave a lot of movies yeah because i fall asleep in the middle of your consciousness leaves a lot if i had a rotten tomatoes style website it would be did i see the whole thing and it would just rate movies on what percentage that I saw of them. There are so many movie reviews where we will, like Andy's like, I'm watching this. So the next day I'm very excited.

Andy, what did you think of the movie? Well, I didn't really like it. And then I have to clarify. Andy, what did you like about it? Did you see the whole movie? No, I fell asleep about halfway through. That is literally 70%. Because I had a pint of ice cream.

70% of the movies, Andy, at least 50% of the movies you watch, you fall asleep to. Just the bad ones. No, those you still fall asleep to. You just pick them back up. Or the ones where I ate too much ice cream when they began. Jason, do you have any that you can remember? Yeah, so I know we've walked out of a couple movies and i i can't remember most of them sometimes we've walked out half

because the movie and half because it's like we got better we just we don't have enough i just looked at the tomato meter of the movie so i looked it up it was in the name of the king and it was based off dungeon siege somehow it's one of those ooey bowl movies this thing is rocking a four percent on the tomato four percent four percent that is that is tough to do that is tough to do to get that many people that to dislike your movie but the happenings at 18 percent so right that's 18 compared to four that's that's a dream that's a passing grade movie so i watched about 20 minutes of this and i said oh this is this is not happening i'm not wasting my movie or my night for this movie the one that i can remember

that we walked out of is a movie that was never made. Yeah. Indiana Jones 4. I did. I hated that movie so much. The movie that... Okay. What do you mean it was never made? I think you two can both agree with me that there are three Indiana Jones movies.

Oh, you mean... Yeah. It's a good point. It ruins everything. It is a phenomenal trilogy. I have a hot take. No! Come on, that movie stinks, Mike.

When I saw that in the movie theater, I was sad. I entered a clinical depression for weeks because Indiana Jones is one of my favorite movie characters of all time. I gave it the appropriate amount of time. I waited. I watched it at home oh i've never seen it again and i look this is this is not me endorsing the movie i am not by no stretch of the imagination but i watched it again at home and it was this movie is okay yeah that's the best that's the best review i've ever heard of that movie.

I said I had a hot take. Now, aren't there like aliens and stuff in that movie? I didn't finish the movie, so I just was like. You didn't finish it. Then for you to think it was that bad before you got to the last quarter of the movie is incredible. Because the last quarter is without question worse than the previous three quarters of that movie. There is... You have to...

I would do anything to have slept through that movie. You have to allow that movie a lot of leeway. And then it's okay. And you shouldn't have to do that with Indiana Jones. You shouldn't have to have any leeway. No, you should not. You should not have to do that. You are 100% correct, Jason. And so we left and said this movie never was made.

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The Spitballers Draft. All right. We are drafting existential threats to humanity. Oh, what a great opportunity we have to focus on potential demises. you know mike has the first pick jason fantastic i'm so happy about this he gave us a special scat yeah i think i know where he's going yeah i do too but when you draft existential threats i mean, it's hard to say the best of something terrible. Right? Yeah.

It's like, ooh, I love this. That can get a little bit morbid. So we can go scariest existential threats. There have been some podcasts that have come out about existential threats to humanity. It's one of those things that's kind of on people's mind from time to time. It's how movies are made. It to create. What about movies are made? It's how 94% of movies are made. What about your favorite?

What about your favorite? I love it. My favorite humanity. Sure. Let's say the favorite existential threats because. That at least spins it into like, I'm interested in this. All right. That makes us so much better.

Thank goodness. It also makes us a little bit weird but the most our favorite most fascinating existential threats i'll say this it doesn't make us weird because uh as as jason and i we are connoisseurs we are connoisseurs of disaster movies and it's not just us it's that's the whole world it's the world and humans in general if you've got a national monument i want to see that thing get knocked down oh for sure just it's blown up it's destroyed it doesn't matter how you want to talk about bad movies now those are always bad movies but they're awesome they're so bad they're good was it the day after tomorrow oh it was so bad it was so great it was terrible awful bad writing acting everything i loved every minute of that movie

especially when the disasters were coming if you can put a tidal wave the size of a car oh yeah into the sky then oh yeah i want to watch that boat and not realize oh it's sideways the wave is that big the camera was sideways this is crazy all right perfect my so the the if we're going in terms of my favorite existential threats then it's perfect because then my scat ties it in i'm going with skynet baby. It's AI. The robots are coming to get us. The singularity occurs. They gain life. They realize that they exist. They do not have to serve the master anymore.

And the robots have taken over. And humans are no more. I'm taking artificial intelligence. That's my favorite existential threat. Yeah, I mean, we're only 10, 20 years away from that. Certainly. Some of these videos of what robots are doing right now is just insane. Let's give them...

That's also the most... Hey, Boston Labs, take it easy over there. Yeah, slow down. One of the most reasonable existential threats that we'll get the chance to observe. Is that what you're... Sure, and 100, it could happen. Look, I might be listing some things that may or may not happen but ai is certainly plausible yeah i think that's one of the ones at the uh top of mind for people the idea that computers become so smart that they create computers that are much smarter than us and we are not

okay. Not only smarter, but also stronger. Go ahead and arm wrestle a robot with hydraulic arms. Me or my scrawny bodyguard? Either. Either one. That scrawny bodyguard. Whoa, whoa, take it easy. Scrawny bodyguard. He better be a robot then.

Alright, am I up? You are up. Alright, I was... uh you know look the the robot uh wars are gonna be a blast and so i wanted those but if i can't do a nothing like being upset somebody else drafts a different demise of humanity if i can't get the robot war you know one of the cool things that the robot war will bring is whatever amazing weapons they can develop. But I don't think their weapons will be as amazing as my alien invasion weapons. All right. From a whole nother galaxy coming in with lasers and phasers and chains. Sounds like you know exactly what they have.

Yeah. You're already very aware of their weaponry. Hold on. Hold on. Jason, if you could sum up Independence Day, the movie, in one shot, which one is it? I would say Independence Day, the movie, is humanity. No, no, no. Which shot in the movie?

There's one scene. It's the White House blowing up. It's the White House exploding. Yes, it is. 100%. That's right. The ray coming down and the White House going. If you have a national monument, I want to see it explode.

Exactly. It's so weird how that's true. It is so true. It just doesn't. I mean, you will. Take that Eiffel Tower. Fill the Grand Canyon with lava! I'll watch that.

That would be so awesome. That would be amazing. Okay. So wait, I have to pick two times. You sure? You get... Yes, you do. I get to pick two times.

I will say this. You know, we looked before the draft, and, you know, there's a lot of good ones, but they run out. The end of this draft might be a little rough well i am i am going to take a favorite existential threat from my entire life which is an asteroid plumbing towards the earth i was hoping the meteor would come back to me yeah i mean i grew up you grow up with the dinosaurs and the asteroids hitting then you get get armageddon the movies and what was it a deep impact yeah

those came out in the same year right the same summer yes yeah because they do their testing and they find out what people want to see yeah so i'll go with national monuments. It's the same answer. Every survey always returns national monuments being Mount Rushmore being blown up. Look, I just need to see the Sydney Opera House blow up. That's all I need to see. So I will go with the catastrophic, enormous, unstoppable asteroid. That Great Wall of China's toast. Oh, it's gone. That asteroid's gonna take it out.

And then I I'm having a hard time knowing what's better to pick. It's not better, it's favorite. Yeah, these are our favorite ones. Oh my goodness. Some of them are kind of tied together.

Okay, well then you need to rip them apart i will i will rip them apart and uh i will go with no twos no two for one two first yeah not here i'll go with the nuclear war all right yeah okay you know uh i push you you push me i nuke you you nuke me. We all live in our bunkers. So I'll go nuclear war as pick number two. All the three-eyed animals coming out after the nuclear war. The cockroaches are the only ones alive. Cockroaches and Twinkies. All right.

No doubt, Mike. We got the asteroid. We got the nuclear war i have taken alien invasion and you have uh the robot ai that's right overtaking humanity yeah oh man which way to go from here i i'm gonna take this because you're next mike with two picks because i think you would want it. It's very pop culture. Don't do this to me.

It's fun. And if I've got aliens, I'm going fun. I'm going favorite here. I have one that I could swear that no one was going to take. But the zombie apocalypse. Okay, all right. That one's mine. All right.

I mean, movies are great. That's a mean thing to do to me. That's a mean thing to do. Yeah. So the movies are phenomenal they i mean you know it's like the thing about the asteroid movies right you had deep impact in armageddon they came out in the same year it was a good year for asteroids asteroid pr firms were getting it done but zombie movies keep coming out and they're not going to stop because they're the best because they're the because they're the favorite you know they're i'm gonna be honest there's no way that

should have gotten through me. I didn't even have it on my list. I just completely spaced out on zombies. I got zombies and aliens. This is having a lot of fun. Is zombies a real existential threat to humanity? If they showed up? Yes.

There are zombie mosquitoes or something. Oh, yeah? Where they go infect the bugs? Yeah, something weird. I remember looking at that and being terrified once upon a time. But, I mean, let's be honest. It'll be our own fault when we create the zombies. You know.

Sure. But it will still be terrifying. Mike, you have two picks. All uh i'm gonna go i've got all right what was the one you were really one that you thought i'm gonna take it i'm going to say because like and even though i know i have the last pick in the draft i just don't want to take any chance that one of you guys will get this i will save that for my second pick so number one i'm gonna go with uh this is something that we as a company on our Slack, we have talked about it at length.

I don't know why it keeps going up. I will take the super volcanoes exploding everything because Yellowstone is just sitting there. It's waiting to go. Oh, it's way overdue, Mike. Way overdue. Yes, exactly. Thank you.

And I mean, you want to talk about asteroids the other time. Volcanoes, they also had a great year with Dante's Peak and Volcano in the exact same year. So they also have a great PR person as well. And they're also super volcanoes. Clearly, they're everywhere. We just don't know about them. They're right under us. They're probably underneath you right now.

Yes. All right. And then the one that I am fairly confident that neither of you would select, but I would just be way too sad if I didn't get it. I'm going. The plug is pulled. The simulation is shut down because we live in a computer simulation right now. And whoever's running it, they just decide, whoops, they don't even decide. They just trip over the power cord and everything is gone. We go into darkness.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. We live in a computer and it's shut down. Wait, you're making the announcement? Yes. Yes, he's letting everybody know. I'm here to tell everyone. I've been told. Okay, so what are your...

I've got sources. Yeah, I've seen that existential threat pop up. That's right. It's called The Matrix. I saw that movie. What are your four selections right now, Mike? Well, I only have three. So I have AI, I have super volcanoes,

and I have the simulation is terminated. Oh, you were the first pick. That makes sense. All right. Okay. So it's back to me. It is. No, no.

No, no, no, no. Oh, shoot. Wait, what were you going to say? Yes, it's totally to you. It's a little easier for me to follow when we're in the studio, apparently. Yeah, I guess it's fair. I can't follow uh on zoom very well that's fair all right i'm disappointed though jason is up i'm deciding

between two here i feel like you know you got a little bit of recency bias here i'm so i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna take it yeah i avoided it yeah i know but we're i avoided it like the plague yes we're gonna take we're gonna take the virus the plague the 12 monkeys as I call it yes the 12 monkeys I like that I was gonna say the virus but I think the plague

has such a better PR firm you know it's like they've really spun things around. Yeah. Team Bubonic. A disease conquers us all. So you're going

natural disease though? Yes. He's trying to draft as many as possible. Virus, pandemic, plague, disease. That is my one pick. Virus, pandemic, disease. That's not going to fit on the poll, but okay. So you've got a pandemic.

Is that what you would say? Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so. I'd say a global plague is a pandemic. Okay. It is. All right. So your picks right now are zombies, global pandemic.

Oh, the zombies pick. That's so upsetting. And what's your other one and an alien invasion now Jason at the start of the draft had I taken zombies number one would you have taken robots 100% robots would have been my first see I was I was put in a terrible position that I could not navigate out of

no you don't get you don't get those two somebody tell me when it's my turn to pick again it's your turn to pick maybe okay all right and I have asteroids and nuclear war You don't get those two. Somebody tell me when it's my turn to pick again. It's your turn to pick. Okay. All right. And I have Asteroids and Nuclear War. All right.

I'm going to go with a different sort of robot disaster. And that is the nanotech, biotech direction. This is not AI, but this is we have chosen to uh make the mistake of inserting nanotechnology into our daily lives and uh it is a catastrophic disaster i'm gonna be honest with you man i can't wait to have nanotech in our daily lives and i know it's a mistake i know but i'm gonna be the first one in line i'm gonna be buying up all the nanotech i could possibly get get me that consumer nanotech yeah it's it sounds so great man it is exciting you want to get some sweet sweet 2020 eagle vision yes i do i'm like for me i'm like you want to uh go clear all this cholesterol out my heart yep yeah let's get those

robots in there with their little shovels. Take care of that. Yeah. But once they get in, Mike. Then I get superpowers. Then you get hacked. I've read comic books. Somebody hacks you.

That's right. That's fair. And then for my last pick. Man, how would you fight nanotech? I mean, it's like. You don't. You lay down and just go to sleep i think i'm gonna go with uh i think i'm gonna go with another ice age

is that a fair pick okay climate change happened yes okay if you want to go climate change then yes yes 100 it swallows us up into another ice age. I don't want to get political on the podcast, but that's the number one pick because that's coming for us all. But it doesn't come. When you look at existential threats, that's one that sits there more on a longer-term view. Yes. The aliens are going to make short work of us.

That's why we had to say, you know, favorite. Because unless somehow the day after tomorrow where we all start flash freezing because everything is accelerated. But yeah, the climate change, it's the tortoise. It's the tortoise in the race. It's coming. The big, mean tortoise. But it's a really mean tortoise. It will bite you can i ask um how many things do you guys have left on your list i have uh

four additional let's see i have climate change would you prefer it oh man i have one two three four so we each we have between us we have eight how many do you have jay Oh, man. I have one, two, three, four. So we have between us, we have eight. How many do you have, Jay? How many do I have left? Yeah, you seem like you're in really good shape. I had picks coming in. You know, it's always crazy when we go four rounds and uh they go and everybody

picks they're all gone all of yours are gone all right remember before we started recording i said does everyone have 12 well i'm taking the rapture i'm taking the eschatological in times that's fine no i'll allow it i will allow it if we're talking if we're talking favorites there you go boom there you go eschatology dropping some knowledge well that was it i mean because i've only got one other one on my list and it's so stupid oh i can't wait to hear it man i want to hear it we're back all right mike's final pick all right i have a like i have a pick on here i can't i want to hear what your options are because i was out of options uh and number one or well not number one i'll take my pick and

then i'll explain why i'm shocked you didn't take this other pick because well maybe not shocked because you might view it as a positive somehow global obesity's going to get us all. Sort of. I will take the exploding sun. Okay, a supernova. I forgot about supernovas. Did you realize that the sun will eventually run out and it will go away?

Well, first go supernova. Isn't it pretty predictable or are we just waiting for it to go at any time at once? No, it's not at any time at once no no it's not it's not at any time but it's it's inevitable yes it will be long gone from earth by that by that yeah us not hopefully not human beings but it will happen eventually the sun will supernova and if it doesn't be bad for us and if it yeah i'm hearing bad things about that And that if that doesn't get us, then the sun is just gone, and now we have entered another ice age.

I'm going to bet it gets us. Yeah, I'm going to bet that's right, too. That's the heavy favorite. You want to know why there's no movies about supernovas? At least our sun supernova-ing? Because the plot is over. There's no movie. It's just like, eh.

You don't solve that problem. No, that one's just. All national monuments explode at once. Yes. The national monument called Earth. That completes our draft. Is that right, Al? Yes.

Good. I'm glad. I can't keep track today. Tell me what else was on the list because supernovas is one I should have thought of. I forgot. I had one like yours, Mike. I had solar flares. Good. I'm glad. I can't keep track today. Tell me what else was on the list because supernovas is one I should have thought of. I forgot. So I had one like yours, Mike. I had solar flares. Sure.

Because they said that. That's how I thought of it first was solar flares. Then I was like, but the sun runs out and that's a threat to humanity. That's why we're trying to- That's even worse. That's why we're trying to get off the planet eventually. The one that I was referring to forason was just a full-on technological laziness where everyone just starts relying on tech and it turns into wally a wally situation

and we're all just blobs and eventually we die off because we have nothing left yeah i would i mean you know existential crisis or awesome future tomato tomato i see the only one that i had left on my list was the uh-oh was the extent extinction of bees because i always hear that when the bees are gone everybody's gonna die so i've never heard that everybody's gonna die you've never heard that you've never heard that like if there were no that? Like if there were no bees. Not that we're all going to die if bees are gone. No, because the bees. Oh, that's a huge. Because they stop pollinating.

So then plants start dying off. I mean, I don't believe it for a second. We'd figure out how to pollinate those plants. Oh, that's. Look, that's a myth by Big Honey. Yeah. They're just spreading that out. Big Honey with all their money behind them.

I just know that's popular. I always hear like if the bees are gone, then we all die. Big Honey with all their money behind them. I just know that's popular. I always hear if the bees are gone, then we all die. I had a food shortage. Could take a shot. I had famine on my list. It's not fun, though. No, that's not your favorite. None of these are that fun.

Would you like to starve to death? None of these are a real good time. Look, a zombie apocalypse is a bad time bad time no no well hold on hold on are they slow zombies are they running zombies no they're slow slow zombies if you haven't pictured what your life is like in the zombocalypse and they're slow zombies of just like what what are you gonna do if you haven't pictured't pictured that, then we can't intellectually connect because I've thought about it so many times. You always have a little bit of a zombie plan in the back of your mind if you're a respectable human being of what you're going to do right the moment after. I know Al does.

Al probably already has a zombie bunker built. Let's go. I'm ready. Yeah. We're all going to meet at Al's. That's the plan. That's my entire plan. My plan in the back of my head is go to Al's house.

He's got all the equipment we need. Did you guys think about the large Hadron Collider and the fact that if they hit the wrong thing in there, they get vacuumed up into the black hole? It wasn't on my list, but you should have taken that one. It was between that one or the Ice Age. So I went Ice Age, mostly because in my vision of the Ice Age, I am riding a mammoth. I'm riding a mammoth, 100%.

Because when the Ice Age comes, woolly mammoths will just be back. They are apparently what brings the Ice Age. It will be them coming back. It's what's in your head, man. That causes the cold. And then earthquakes, because somehow some big earthquakes. But that's kind of like the volcanoes. Now, our other producer, Judge Giamatti, has said he's always been ready for zombies to just give up to the zombies.

If you can't beat them, join them. He will run and just jump into them. He's been running. Alright folks, I'm done. Whee! Because. Seems like a really stressful time otherwise. Yeah, you would be stressed out.

I judge knows. In the Zomboocalypse, there's a lack of apples. And if there's no apples, you can't eat his apple salad. Yeah. I would just not want the process of becoming the zombie. That's the most stressful part. You don't know, though, because you're already dead. No, the process of becoming dead.

Okay, well, that's fair. You don't like the process of dying. Wait, well, because... Well, no, but if I die with an asteroid, boom, bam, that's going to be... No, no, no, no. That's the lucky ones. That's the lucky ones. That's what I'm saying.

But in the zombie apocalypse, I won't die that way. I ain't going out like that. All right, let's figure out what we learned today what did we learn today uh i learned that an assailor is not just a man of the sea but also an assailant and i feel like we learned that more than you did you You knew it. Well, that's true. I already knew it. You knew it. We learned that. I learned that once again, my words were correct. Well, once again. I've learned that while we are all staying at home, Jason's children are raising themselves. Yeah. They are doing a great job.

They are doing a great job. And I also learned that if an existential threat comes to this earth before 10 in the morning, Jason will be asleep when it happens. And apparently if the bees go away, I'm going to die. I didn't realize that. Oh, yeah. It's true. Be kind to the bees, even though they're trying to kill you. All right. Thank you, Spitwads, for supporting the show.

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