Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Attic Full Of Farts & Things You Don't Want To Find In Your Food - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

Spit Hit for September 28th, 2023: On this show, we discuss which half of our body we would rather look old, pooping out a butter knife, and being followed by flies. Then, we hand out some extremely wise and practical life advice. Lastly, we close the show down with a draft of the worst things to find in your food at a restaurant. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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real hydrating. Grab your Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or get 20% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use promo code BALLERS at checkout. That's 20% off anything when you shop better hydration today using promo code BALLERS at liquidiv.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Rickety pow pow rickety brown cow kabloomy! Oh, goodness gracious. That felt good on this end. I liked it! You been reading some Seuss over there? Oh, goodness gracious.

That felt good on this end. I liked it. You've been reading some Seuss over there? I mean. That was one of our go-to books, the Mr. Brown Hears the Sound or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How Now, Brown Cow. No.

I mean, that's the one that I went with. How Now, Brown Cow. Oh, it's Mr. Brown. It's like thunder goes boom, boom or something like that. Look. But it was great. It was great. A lot of people don't understand this about life. Scatting reveals a lot of the inner recesses of your memory.

Yes, yes. In fact, some of the highest, most heralded Harvard graduate psychologists will ask their patients, these therapists will ask their patients to scat to kind of bring up a lot of the old memories of their childhood and help heal. It heals. The original line in Forrest Gump was you can learn a lot about a person from his scat,

but then they thought that that might be confusing, you know, on the poop level. It's like the inkblot test. Right. Yeah, oh yeah, what are those things called? Rorschach. Rorsch called? Rorschach. Rorschach. Rorschach.

Rorschach sauce. Yeah. Same guy. Same guy did it. And that's what it is. It's not ink. It's Rorschach sauce. You can learn a lot about a person if they can say Rorschach sauce.

Oh my goodness. Welcome to episode 197 of the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason with you. Al Borland pulling the levers. You got the judge back there spinning the knobs. And then there's Josh, and he's just sitting there. Would you rather life advice and a draft on today's show, drafting the worst things to find in your food at a restaurant uh so that

will be a lot of fun you can find out more about the show on twitter at spitballers pod the website spitballerspod.com thank you to so many supporting the show over on patreon we appreciate you and for uh following the show on apple podcasts and spotify or wherever you listen and for telling your friends about you know know, this show. Spitballers is a community thing. It's more fun with friends. Don't hoard happiness. That's right.

Give happiness and share happiness. Do drafts with your friends. Right. Yeah. Good advice, Jason. Let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather would you rather all right ernesto from patreon says would you rather look 10 years older from the neck up or 10 years older from the neck down oh man I. Where is the vanity? When I saw this question, it perplexed me immediately. Oh, man.

Well, now I plan on losing a lot of weight in the next 10 years. So if I look 10 years. So I'm going to look from the waist down. I should look way better 10 years from now. To your post-workout body? I'm skipping 10 years of hard workout. I don't know if you want to see that body. No, no.

I thought the same thing about 10 years ago. Now, 10 years ago, if this body had shown up, would you? Oh, I should have big face. I should have big face a decade ago. I mean, this is tough because I think I'm going to take 10 years older from the neck up i already know like we like playing sports and pickleball and doing things and and i already know that like the difference of me right now i'm 38 years old and what my body felt like at 28 years old tells me that there's a chance it's just look oh that's true this is only aesthetics it's not

otherwise it would be a home run you would have to take neck up yeah because if if if you're telling me that i am a decade older and all my joints all my muscles all that then this is just aesthetics this is just when you're looking in the mirror would you rather see the more wrinkles more gray hair wrinkles where wrinkles where that's a dr suspo here's a thing that is some droop droop he was droopy down below he was droopy watch it go all right go ahead uh it's really not fair how you know men age much it's much kinder to me you know what i mean like george clooney might look better now than he did when he was 20 there's this i mean the silver fox situation i i can't think of any examples where like a 60 year old woman was like

i look i i like how i look now more than i did when I was 20. There's certainly some women who have aged into their face. Oh, aged gracefully, wonderfully, for sure. But generally speaking, I feel like men get away with the wrinkles. You know what I mean? Like, men get away with the gray. Men, you know. There could be an advantage, genuinely, to the 10-years-older face. Tell me what that would be. yeah hit me i'm just make i'm i'm amplifying what you're saying we're like a lot of women they like the look of kind of

a rugged uh older salt and pepper yeah i mean like that's a thing like you said george clooney there are i mean 10 10 years ago is probably better, but maybe. I just don't know what's going to look. Nothing's going to look better neck down. That's all I'm saying. It's all going to look worse. But here's the thing. Like, everyone sees your face every interaction.

But neck down, I mean, aside from the old, you know, get some turkey going on in the turkey neck. get some turkey going on in the turkey neck. Most people aren't going to see you shirt off, aside from your significant other, or you're at the beach. Or you're super shredded and you just don't wear a shirt. Now, if no one can tell that this thing has happened to you, that's a bad sign, right? That means things aren't going the right way for you.

No, that's a great sign. If you look 10 years older and nothing has changed. Well, I'm just saying, shouldn't somebody be able to tell? Wouldn't it indict the non-aged part of your body if it matched? Oh, I see what you're saying. If I was at the beach and I was shirt off, it's like, oh man, that guy's face looks a lot younger than his body. I mean, we don't have a lot of experience seeing this out in the real world.

Yeah, this isn't very often. But I get what Mike's saying. Well, you do, because people will take 10 years off their face with some science and some magic. That's what they think they're doing. Right. Instead, they're adding. Some people do. Some people do it just fine. And you never know. If I don't know. You did it right. Then they did doing. Right. Instead, they're adding. Some people do. Some people do it just fine. And you never know.

If I don't know, you did it right. Then they did a great job. Then they didn't do it. Yes. Yeah. I can cover up my body. I know that for, I've practiced this a lot. There's sheets big enough.

There are sheets big enough. Oh, my gosh. Mike, you're a litless son of a gun. The color spectrum that works for me is black. Yeah, my gosh. I know. Mike, you're relentless. Son of a gun. The color spectrum that works for me is black. Yeah, we got. Have they started making clothes out of that? You know the blackest of black color? Oh, yeah.

Where it just absorbs all light. Have you ever seen this paint? Oh, yeah. I've seen the TikToks or something. It's absolutely absurd where someone painted an entire room with this shade of black. Yeah, it's called the instant heat stroke uh pro plus athletic but do you just do you vanish if you had a shirt of that color well i the vanity thing is funny as a discussion point in general because mike and i

are relentlessly giving um jason and al borland a hard time when we play. Arizona, it's very hot. The sun, it beats down on you. It's boiling hot. And yet, these two gentlemen will accept that extra 20 degrees of pain to go out there and wear black. What color is your shirt today, Jason? It's black. You should look at my closet. My closet is 100% black shirts.

I don't have another option. And I won't have another option until I lose weight because the lighter colors are reflective. You see the shape. Yeah, it reflects the sun away. It keeps you cooler. Yeah, it reflects off all my body parts, all my jiggles. I don't want that exposure. So I'm going to continue hiding my body.

I will keep this young face of mine. Yeah, and I want to finish the thought because I wasn't just calling you out. I was saying everybody's kind of got their thing like that because when I was talking to Jeremy about it because we were giving him grief about like, dude, you literally had heat stroke because you wore like black clothes. Then we pointed out like Jason was wearing a tank top one day and that's much cooler than wearing the white shirt yeah but i won't wear no tank top i'm too self-conscious to wear a tank top so we've all

got these lines that we have set for ourselves and we're willing to suffer for them it is amazing i don't know if there's some something deeper here i got no problem wearing a tank top but i can't wear a white shirt interesting that's strange yeah it is because like have you thought about like a bikini top i think i'm just gonna start rocking i think i'm gonna start rocking skins okay let me get a nice tan which is like wearing a white shirt yes for a while yep all right lyle from twitter would you rather poop out one butter knife or poop 1 000 liters of mayonnaise okay okay uh so let's examine as we do but not too closely. Is the mayonnaise digested? No.

No, no, no. This is like- It's coming out mayonnaise. Yeah. I'm going to get some natural protection on the bungie. You think a mayonnaise protects your bungie? Oh, you could use mayonnaise like lotion. I'm saying that- Well, you could do a lot of things.

That expelling- We got 264 gallons of mayonnaise. That's a lot different. That's what that is? Yeah, we just got the update from the deucers. That's a lot. Sending out that level of mayonnaise is a lot different than sending out that level of acidic diarrhea. Can we get a, how many flushes is that going to be?

Oh, yeah. What is the average size of a toilet? I mean, how many gallons of mayonnaise per flush? Do some math back there. I think you can get a gallon of flush. Can you? Yeah, you could get a gallon of mayonnaise. It's only 264 flushes?

That's right. That's a lot of work. Now, the butter knife, on the other hand, is a butter knife. Yeah, can you guarantee me that it's going out vertical and not horizontal yes i can i can absolutely guarantee you that because it's impossible for it to go out any other way i mean that's gonna be painful right uh maybe is it coated no it's not coated and it's gotta you know look it's a butter knife not a steak knife but butter knives still have the little serrated you can cut oh absolutely it's not going to be comfy but it's over it's done how long how much time can't flush the butter knife

that's true you got to dig it out yeah how much time would it take to have a thousand liters expelled this is a long time and how much time would it take for you to heal from your serrated bungie i i think the truth is no matter how much time i can't serrate i can't serrate my bungie i've got to have them i've got to have the mayonnaise on this one okay all right i mean that's a day i mean you're definitely taking it's a day a day committed to the mayonnaise that's fine I think it'll be done after that I got some weird kind of flu I'm not sure what this is but it looks like it'd be delicious on a sandwich I got a weird kind of flu you say look fam this is gonna sound weird but I had to make a choice it was either a butter knife it was the best foods morning

um okay Jeffrey from the website would you rather get food poisoning monthly no or always be followed by flies oh gosh i hate i hate flies so much what do you do to try to try to get rid of them i've tried like i have one of those you got the sticky i've got like the bug trap that's supposed to catch them. We have the candles, whatever. They're probably after all the mayonnaise coming out your buggy. Whatever the can. I don't know.

I can't remember the scent. Oh, citronella or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted to say chamomile, but I knew that was incorrect. But it's supposed to keep mosquitoes and flying creatures. If you keep doing chamomile, this is very nice for the flies. Really restful. I don't know, cardigans, something like that.

But nothing keeps them away because they're flies, and they just keep coming back. And their entire job when you're sitting on a patio is to bug the crap out of you. That's why they call them bugs. Yeah, I know, but they're flying around. It's like they're just poking you whenever they can do you guys hate them so much because this this is this is true of me and i i think i assume it's true of others but i don't

know if you live this or not are you self-conscious when a fly lands on you and won't leave you alone well like you smell right like you think other people are. Like you're self-conscious of like when the fly won't leave one person alone. It's choosing me over that garbage can. And I've been, you know, I've been the one that won't leave alone. It's just choosing someone at random and it's attacking. But whenever a fly is constantly around one person, I don't care. Like I don't look at someone who's getting attacked by a fly over and over and over and think,

oh, he must stink. But if that fly is on me and I swat it away and it comes back, I'm like, everyone thinks that I'm the dirty, foul, stinky man. Your pig pen from the penis. Yeah, exactly. But do you guys also have those thoughts when it happens to you? I have never had that thought in my life. What about you, Andy?

I don't think so. Oh, spit one. Save me. Am I the only? Maybe it is a problem. Maybe I just am pig pen. Oh, no. But the other option is you give food poisoning monthly.

And I'm on record. Like, throwing up is. I mean, if you promise me the food poisoning is southward bound then it's a thousand liters of mayonnaise oh my gosh i mean if it's a hundred percent southward i will choose that like i'm look it's not a good time but i i can anything over throwing up i will do when i'm in that moment that that you fight it i will fight i will take every tablet and and stay standing up and try everything i can do to fight off throwing up because i it's a disaster to me it's funny because i think some people don't mind i don't i don't generally consider it food poisoning unless it

is that's kind of how i feel too like when i eat something and it and it just wrecks me and i've got just crazy diarrhea i don't feel like i got food no that's just fast food food food poisoning is going up north right it's coming it's coming out the top so i was looking for a way out yeah that's that's not happening i'm taking the flies then but you're always right now at all times dude would you become acclimated no i don't think wait would they be flies yeah you know how like you can get floaters when you're seeing and they say your brain adjusts could you get acclimated to the flies surrounding you i don't think you can i think you would because the human brain is amazing you get acclimated to anything

you go to a farm and it smells like poop and then eventually the poop just doesn't smell anymore. But look at the horse. The horse tail is constantly whipping at those flies. Horse argument. Oh, sure. No, but that's an argument in my favor. You have a tail? I don't.

But the horse is not. That's involuntary. The horse is. No, it's not. Oh, the horse isn't slapping itself. That's a weapon. The horse is just. It's a fly swatter it's a

windshield wiper you know what i mean it's just these are involuntary movements by the horse the horse is 100 doing what it can but it can't it can't use his hands it's got hooves i'm just saying it's like blinking you don't think about blinking the horse isn't like a fly is there i must move it with my tail. The horse's tail just going doing his own thing. But if there's no flies, does the tail move? Nope. No.

Okay. Well, if your eyes didn't dry out, would you not blink? I mean, there's a purpose. It doesn't mean the blinking isn't involuntary. So what is the purpose of the tail? The flies! Okay, so. I'm just saying it's involuntary.

The horse is not having an actual thought of a fly is at this spot. I need to go get them the way that you would do with a hand. Like if a fly lands on my hand, I would go slap it. Yeah, because you can reach it. That's what I'm saying. The horse tail can only reach so much of the horse butt. It's a strong point. I see what you're both saying.

I can't do the food poisoning every month. No. That's multiple days. You're're knocked out If you had it Well let's call it a 24 hour bug That's what everybody does with food poisoning If you had it would you build out a system To deal with it Is there a countdown to it

What if you don't know when it's going to happen I assume you don't know There's no way But the flies they end your life as well I can't do the flies because of my self conscious to happen oh that's worse i assume you don't know there there's no no there's no way but i but the flies they end your life as well uh i can't do the flies because of my self-conscious uh nature i would feel like even if i am the cleanest nicest smelling i'm wearing you know the the fanciest cologne every day smelling great you love the scent i will walk around feeling like everyone hates me and i'm the stinky guy

with the fly i wonder if you could wear socks that are made of like the uh fly stick material the fly paper yeah the fly paper so they're just so eventually you're just wearing like fly boots well you would replace it yeah but then they'd have babies yeah i will uh i'm gonna i'm gonna throw up once once a month horrifically from a food person. All right. Hey, Al, do we have time for another Would You Rather or should we move on? We got nothing but time. That's not true.

He doesn't care. That's not true. I don't know why we check with him. Josephina from Patreon says, would you rather have to sew all your clothes or grow all your own food? Oh, I've got an easy answer. What? I would. What? Yeah. food oh i've got an easy answer what i would what yeah i think growing your own food is incredible

and oh yeah very romanticized i so uh my my brother-in-law came over this uh weekend and he's got this garden he grows so much of his own food and you know when you were feeling a couple houses okay yeah a couple houses ago my wife and I we we did we we had a lot more land and we built this really nice um vegetable garden and grew stuff and it was so nice to have you know oh whatever cilantro and oh, whatever, cilantro, and that's all we grew. Tomatoes or cucumbers or whatever. I love that idea. So you're a vegetarian now. You get a sense of satisfaction for growing your own food?

Does it taste better? It says grow your own food. Yes. You can't grow cows. Yeah, I'm not growing a cow. Well, you don't grow them, but you raise them. Yeah, so. But if it's you. We need clarity on this question here.

You don't need. If grow your own food implies that you are responsible for all of your own food. So I have to slaughter the cow. If you want meat. Then I'm sewing some clothes. Now, if you want me, then I'm sewing some clothes. I just can't imagine how bad the first shirt I sew would look. Because it would take me a long time.

I would have, because of the time investment, I would feel somewhat like I've accomplished something when I get to the end. And then when I go to put that thing on and my head don't fit through the hole or one sleeve is too long, I mean, it would just be. You're 100% right. We would look so incredibly foolish. But only in the beginning. Sewing is a learnable skill. I took sewing classes in college because I was a theater major, so we had to do costuming. Sure.

And when you get patterns and you learn to sew, I feel like i feel like we could upgrade our clothes you know what i mean no i think over time we would i think over time we would decide that moomoos are our favorite thing to create uh so i will i guess i'm gonna choose growing one is so much more significant to your life i can which one is more significant the food i mean that having your food is so much more significant than what you wear i would lose so much weight if i had to grow and create all my own food i mean i because i would eat borderline nothing the the amount of land you need to really eat. Yeah, like, you know, I've got a vegetable garden,

and I've got cilantro and tomatoes and cucumbers, and, like, that took up a long, a large area, and it's like, is that all I'm eating? I feel like you can go pick the whole garden and, like, have a meal. Yeah, exactly right. That's how I always feel with vegetables. And you've got to be planned out in advance.

Oh, like crops over crops over crops crops over crops i need acres of land i'm sewing my own clothes yeah i'll sew my own clothes and someone will inevitably walk up what do you sew your own clothes the nice thing is yes i do yes i do now you feel dumb the nice thing is you got a problem with that? When you look stupid in your so awful shirts, you can feel at home when we are now allowed to go to McDonald's. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. I was going to say you have a big chicken.

This episode brought to you by the McRib. Not grown. All right. We're moving on. Spit mallers to the rescue. So maybe you scattered a little bit around the house and maybe you brought up some old memories and you've moved on to the, the phase where,

look, you need some advice from experts. But then you don't really have access. So you go to the podcast app and you found this show. And the first question from Wendell says, what's the proper protocol for notifying a stranger of an embarrassing thing? Like a visible booger or their fly is down. Or is it better to pretend like you never noticed i'll add

another one in there something in the teeth i i love this question from wendell i love that we're giving the life advice because i want this normalized in just everywhere society i can't wait to normalize it it shouldn't be embarrassing like you you have a everyone interesting everyone's got a nose and everyone's getting boogers coming out of this and we've all had a boog just chilling on the side of the nose and for someone to say hey it just hey you got a booger hey and you just go oh thank you for telling me and i will take care of that and then not everybody's got boogers hanging out their nose all the time that's why it's embarrassing i well no i understand you don't want it to happen i'm saying normalize that it shouldn't be embarrassing for me to tell you

well even my friend a stranger just the fly one happens a lot where the fly is down that happens a lot now i will tell you right now if i see a stranger with their fly down, I am going to internally laugh and not tell them about it. Okay, so you just 100%. So when you tell about wreck, but if it was someone who saw my fly down that was a friend of mine, I would expect them to tell me. That's the difference in this question. This is about a stranger. Otherwise, I'm looking at a stranger's crotch. Mike, I know if you've got a boogie hanging out, you've got something on your beard, you want to know.

And you don't take offense. You're not embarrassed. I love that. But that's because I know you and we're friends. And I can say that friendly. A stranger comes up and says, your fly's down. First of all, I know a stranger just looked at my crotch. Yeah, that part, that is a problem.

That's why I don't want to say things to people. Why are you looking at me? Yeah, eyes up here, bud. But they're not looking at your crotch. Their eyes were just shot down there because the garage was open. Sure, but it's impossible for them to not have looked at my crotch. Would you let a woman know that a button was unbuttoned? Nope.

Well, I mean, because a button could be a choice, but flies on your jeans, people aren't doing that on purpose. But what if we start that trend? Oh, that's it? Yeah. What if the fly down is like, yeah, that's a fashion choice, buddy. I'm wearing some bright boxers under here. You know what I mean?

Have a nice pink. Oh, so you can see through it? Absolutely. Just a little peek. So you've got some neon boxers. People wear their pants real low. That was a fad for a while you got skinny jeans a fad let's start this oh and they're like hey hey buddy you got that and he goes no no it's a peekaboo and it's a peekaboo and then the nice thing is you can come out with a with with fashionable items for that this you

can have a longer fly the peekaboo booze don't even have zippers that like there is just a gaping hole it's just a gaping there's no zipper you can't close it you can't close i don't know if this is good i think it's bad i think someone's gonna end up going you who with a peekaboo boo yeah that'd be a bad yeah i mean it's not legal it's it's certainly not for my schoolers so mike who will not indulge a general elevator conversation with a person about the weather, will tell them that there's a booger on their nose because you want to help them. That's not a conversation.

Why I don't like small talk is because it's nonsense. We are not accomplishing anything. I don't care what you have to say. I don't care what you have to say. You don't care what I have to say. But if you have something on your face, you definitely care. Would you do a shoe tie? Would you tell somebody their shoe's untied? Do you feel like that's one that they may have done on purpose?

That could be a choice. What if it's only one, though? If it's one, then they probably want to know about it. Yeah, and you can tell. The people that don't tie their shoes on purpose, they usually have like the – it's a little bit more on lace the shoelaces aren't very long they're not like dragging behind right um but i i think that in general i'm going to ignore all strangers i'm going to not tell them about anything and i will

do exactly what andy said i i think that's the right approach laugh in your head and if you do need to tell someone i got another one tell your friend so that they can make sure they see that dude i've got it i've got another one a little bit more imminent oh no there's a bug on their back a what kind of uh cockroach landed on the back of a stranger it's in front of you in line so maybe not right in front of you, but a couple. Do you alert the person? Do you, one, do you hit it off? Yeah, you hit it off.

And then you tell the person there was a bug on you? Yep, absolutely. Because at that point, you're saving someone's life. And that's just me being a hero. Now, okay, this is is not intentionally i'm not trying to trigger you so just okay trigger warning jason triggered spider untargeted if there was actually a eight-legged creature on your back on my back on your back do you oh my god do you actually want to know no or do you want me to come up and take care of it? You take care of it. Okay. You don't tell me until after you take care of business.

Do you even want me to ever tell you? Right now, I should take care of it? If a stranger came up to me and said, Hey, bud, there's a big spider on your back. Oh, golly. Oh, my gosh. I don't know. I would just start screaming and spinning and taking my shirt off. I don't know. I would just start screaming and spinning and taking my shirt off. I don't know.

I mean, I wouldn't have the wherewithal to do what I should do, which is absolutely just launch myself to the ground on my back, squash this thing, or at least run backwards into a wall. But I am sure. Run backwards into a wall? If that's your strategy, that's the silliest thing I can picture. I'm 100% positive my shirt would come off. Like if someone was like, I would take my shirt off.

In all scenarios. In just the spider scenario. No, but I'm saying where you are, you're in the middle of Disneyland. You're in the middle of giving a speech. Yeah, I'm at a funeral. I mean, it's inappropriate. If there's a big spider spider they have to say it's a big spider someone hands you your oh if they say little spider yeah then uh it's it's okay what if they just say that they don't use a uh a description it's just just a spider someone hand you're giving a very important

speech some someone walks up hands you a note card, says, spider, shirt. I would assume it's a joke at that point. I need to see you immediately turn towards a wall with your back and sprint backwards. I don't know how you can run backwards that fast. I would take that wall out. I would hit it with such force that they will be needing new sheetrock. All right, Tracy from the website. My wife uses the bathroom with the door open. I think that it is a private thing,

but she insists that since we're married, it doesn't matter. Am I the weird one here? Speaking of one, that's the question. Is it a one or is it a two? Okay, that makes a difference for you that's what if you begin the two when no one was in the room oh that's fine and then they walk in do you have to close the door i can't like yes i mean i that's a if i begin a two with the door open because i'm basically by myself yeah and someone walks in that's that's got to be rectified immediately.

Well, it's rectified already. So, yes, I mean, that's my policy. For what it's worth, that's my policy. I don't begin at two with a public proclamation. I'll close the door. Yeah, but now in this life advice, this isn't your choice. Your wife is starting to deuce. If she's taking a pee, whatever.

I feel like that's fine, right? I mean, you're married. It's certainly fine. It's fine. You're married, which is the exact same argument that they are using for it doesn't matter either way. Yeah, I mean, I feel like the policy needs to be, it's a little bit more like, what do you want to see your spouse do? Right. It's not a matter of seeing, though, because here's the deal.

Let's say I'm in the bathroom, my wife's in the bathroom, and she's taking a pee. I can ignore her. I cannot look at her. I don't care. I can do the same with the poop, but then I smell it. That's the difference. I'm not smelling your pee from across the room. I don't want to smell your-

Yeah, drink some water can i can i uh sidebar sure yeah what's the fan policy like how many fans uh are like like as a celebrity no no no no you were getting that was terrible it was bad uh Let's say you, I just need to know this in general. See, I was raised to put the fan on while I'm pooping. And then when I leave the room, the fan stays on. Because I figure there's a remnant. Yeah, for sure. Not everything's been rectified by way of smell.

So the fan stays on and then, you know, eventually someone's going to come in and turn it off, but it's evacuated the room. Now, I do know people that believe that the fan is on only during the active expulsion, and then when they depart the room, they turn the fan off. I feel like the fan is doing its job of clearing out the air. It's also a air. Yeah. It's also a warning.

Yes. Because if I walk up to a bathroom and the fan is on, I go, oh, this bathroom may have been dominated recently, and I want to go to the other bathroom in the house. Or, you know, to go, go quick. Oh, that wasn't you, like, getting a big hit? No, that wasn't me getting a big whiff. I thought you were like, ooh, I like that. That was a big hold your breath moment.

Oh, you smell that? Oh, yes. That's what you thought of me? My default was, let's get a big whiff of that. Someone took a turd in here? Oh, yeah. Is that here? Oh, yeah. Is that popcorn? Whoa, man.

So here's the problem with the fan, and for me personally. My in-law's neighbor, who they're very close with, their house burned down. No, sorry. Okay, all right. My in-law's neighbor is not. Yeah, that's not usually. That's a weird story. But their house burned down because of a bathroom fan.

No. Yeah, they left it on and it shorted out and smoked. Their house didn't, I guess it's hyperbolic, burned down. Caught on fire. It caused a fire, smoked everything out, and it did ruin their house. They had to live somewhere else for months while their house got restored. did ruin their house they had to like live somewhere else for months while uh their house got restored um and i and i heard from from them that that was like a somewhat common i mean it's not super common houses aren't you know burning down all the time but when there is a problem

it's not unheard of for it to come from a bathroom fan that's left on so now i don't use like bathroom fans are all just parano. I just paranoia. I got you. I just. I mean, people are using fans all over the world. Nobody's burning down. I get it. Not the in-laws neighbors.

Well, you got to spend up on your fan. You can't get the cheapest fan out there. That does cross my mind. It's like, how's this room's fan look? Does that look like a nice device? That's so funny how little things like that will get in our psyche and change our behavior. Experience, man. If it's something you've experienced.

So wait a minute. You're just bombing your house then? What do you think happens to that methane? It goes away. No. Yes, it does. It doesn't. It just osmosises into the regular breathing rooms.

It goes away. You're telling me. Where does it go? What do you think the fan does? Where does the fan send it? The fan sends it out the house, man. Out the house? Well, it's certainly into the attic or something.

That's what it does, actually. It doesn't usually go out the house. All your old parts are in the attic, man. It literally just sends it into the roof area. I had my cabin. I feel like Al needs to speak here with authority. What happens? This is a great question. I've

never even considered it. Where does the fan go? It should go out the house, man. I don't think it does. I honestly don't know, but I think it just vents into the attic. Interesting. I had one installed. Now, I think it depends vents into the attic interesting i mean i i had one installed now i think it depends on how close to the exterior of the house your bathroom is because i've seen some that do blow out into nature where farts belong

um yeah man is that why attics are so awful no it's just a fart room it's just you can go up you know you go up in the attic to get a fart room? You can go up in the attic to get old pictures and stuff. You can go up and see old grandma's old fart. Never light a candle in the attic. That's good advice. Good life advice. Alright, one more. Toby from Twitter. I have a

co-worker who every morning comes to my desks. Oh, this is perfect, Mike. Desks? He's very important. So many desks. It does seem that I was wrong, that most bathroom fans do vent to the outside. Yeah, okay. That's good to know. I have a coworker who every morning comes to my desk and says,

good morning, and then just stands there awkwardly, even after I say good morning back. If I turn around, I feel rude. If I try to ask questions, I get one-word answers. This is driving me crazy. How do I make them go away? So this is a lingerer. You've got like a kind of a morning greeting lingerer.

There is only one way to deal with weirdos. Because make no mistake, this person in this situation right now is a weirdo. They stand. They don't talk. They're in They stand. They don't talk. They're in your space. They don't know the social norms. So you're not going to be able to do anything other than being a complete rude person saying, I hate you.

Get out of here. Don't ever talk to me again. You're not going to do that. Your options are just deal with it or befriend them. Get to know them. Have something more to talk about. If I try to ask questions. Oh, come on. Get to know them. They're trying. Have something more to talk about. If I try to ask questions.

Oh, come on, pie in the sky. Go out with them somewhere and do something with them. Go golfing together. Get to know each other, because then maybe they'll open up. They want a friend, and they don't know how to communicate. They don't know. They're just standing around because they feel comfortable enough to be around you. Maybe this is your best

friend two years from now. I like this, Jason. I like this answer. Maybe this co-worker needs a friend and they just don't know how to properly engage. Because look, you two are a couple of liars.

No, no, no, no, no. Neither of you are going to bat for this guy. I am not. I just like Jason's answer. I would never go golfing with that weirdo. I'm saying that Toby should. You'll go get to know them. Think about, like, I mean.

Look, a good fart solves this whole problem. Well, yeah, I mean, that would take care of it. That's a pretty easy solution. As an adult adult making friends is very difficult very very difficult and like one of the places act like this it is well one of the places that you can actually get it done is at work and toby perhaps this person just wants a friend okay another option what if you fight fire with fire go over when he comes in stand up and go stand nearer to him what just invade the social bubble you invade the social or go to their death no no invade the

social bubble just stand near them okay these are so such terrible ideas and then uh all right it's clear you're not saying anything what's what's the great idea the great idea is you your bowel movements happen real close to when this man's near. You skirtled to the bathroom. By the time you come back, what's he going to do? Stand by your desk all the time? I'm starting to schedule my number twos when old...

It's not Toby, right? No, co-worker. When Toby's co-worker comes on by. Ah, I got to get another cup of coffee. First, if you want to be a friend, try to get this conversation located elsewhere start to have a new plan someplace you can walk away from that's what the water cooler's for

that's what the coffee machine's for let's get this away from my desk where there's no escape or you climb under your desk and pull the chair in yeah just pull the chair in and say I'm not here Toby if you're listening, try my first method.

This is your new best friend, Toby. And come back to me and let me know how close you have bonded one or two years from now. And congratulations on your new best friend. Step one for you was to completely identify this person as a weirdo. Yeah. And then step two was you now have to be friends with a weirdo. Well, no, because this person as a weirdo yeah and then step two was you now have to be friends with a weirdo well no because then they're not a weirdo anymore a lot of times you think weirdos are only weirdos before you un-weirdo them i think that there are many times

where you think someone's a weirdo until you get to know them and then they're just jason toby's gonna get killed by this girl oh that is certainly in the realm of outcomes here. So you do need to be careful, Toby. Yeah, at least like a pocket knife or something. Right. Those have saved a lot of lives. You always want a knife in your pocket when you go golfing. All right.

Oh, yeah. Sliced my leg. Why is that? That's why it's a slice. All right. We're drafted. You guys have been very bad in this last segment. We're drafted.

The Spitballers Draft. We are drafting the worst things to find in your food at a restaurant. So I'm sure we all have stories of something we've found in our food. But we are trying to really hone in on what the worst thing would be. I'm sure we all have stories of something we've found in our food. But we are trying to really hone in on what the worst thing would be to find inside of your food. And look, you guys have your lists, and you took your different angles to it. I'm going to kick it off with what I have as the 101,

and there's a lot of picks here. I don't think there's a clear 101. But this one would really, really, really be bad. It's glass. Sure. I'm going with glass because you will bite it, maybe break your teeth, maybe cut your mouth up. It's a foreign object.

It is not edible. You aren't going to see it. If you swallow it, you're going to have intestinal issues. Even if you don't swallow it, just chomping down. That's what I mean. It has all the features of something really bad to find. Yeah, that is awful. I mean, I've got a story that I won't say.

Well, I don't want to say it in case someone picks it or whatever. For later. You'll tell us later. When you chomp down on something really hard that shouldn't be there, that's a nightmare. Yeah, and this can give you a serrated bungie at the end. So off to Mike with pick number two. I mean, the show has just been filled with this talk.

I figured this was the easy number one answer. You're going to take the low-hanging fruit? Yeah, because it would be the absolute worst. Poop. If you found poop in your food. That was a bridge too far for me. Really? I knew it was an option for the draft, but it was a bridge too far because it just didn't seem...

Realist. Possible. Oh, if you go out there and read the horror stories of things that people have found in their food. Could be like rat poop or something. Yeah. At least... That's true. No, you're right.

It could be poop of any kind. If it's a human true. No, you're right. It could be. Poop of any kind. If it's a human turd, that's somebody sending a message to you. They aren't trying to sneak it through. Well, as you say, that comes with a little bit of an alarm system, potentially. When you're lifting that fork up, maybe, just maybe, you get a little, huh. I don't think you have to lift it up. You'll just see it.

When the plate is put in front of you, you go, oh, this is. He just goes, that's poop. Did you, hmm, waiter, did you take a dump on here? Which one of you had the poop? All right. She did. Jason, you have two picks. All right.

Well, glass was mine. Poop was Mike's because, of course, somebody had to take it. Yeah. And now, Jason, you don't have to take it. I don't have to take it yeah yeah and now jason you don't have to take it i don't have to take it but i am going equally horrific this is a common occurrence in the movies um in uh sure this is like the which one the send a message um and it would be the human finger yeah the human finger is something I do not want to find in life. Just like forget in my food.

Absent a person, it doesn't need to be found. I do not want to see a finger. It's a great pick. Unless it is attached to you. That is the only way I enjoy seeing fingers. Really love them. Really love those attached fingers uh for my second pick i am going to go with something that is

probably more it's more common than um glass or poop or a human finger it's actually the thing that we've all run into uh real problems with and it is awful it's just so nasty and you're done even if it's small even if it's just a little itty bitty piece okay i'm not eating anything else in there there going to be pubic hair. Oh, Oh, well, like, Oh, not just the hair. Well,

no, like beard hair is yeah. A beard hair is considered pubic hair. Yeah. You got to go through puberty before you get that hair. Right. Your armpit hair is pubic hair. Can I get a nod from the,

all the producers knew that? No, that's shocking to hear. Okay. I would knew that? No, that's shocking to hear. Okay. That's shocking. Al? Yeah, that's pubic hair. Okay.

Okay. What? Yes. Have you ever called your beard hair pubic hair? No. I have. No, and there's no person on this earth that is regularly using that term to describe... But that's what it is.

I understand the science. I understand it comes during puberty. But generally, pubic hair is in pubic regions. So I'm just saying. Well, even worse. Even worse. Well, yeah, that's why I was surprised. You want to find pubic hair?

I just thought hair was maybe enough. So you're saying you find a head hair. A coarse, curly hair. I mean, so the curl matters. Oh, the curl matters. So a straight hair, you're eating. A straight hair, I would be. You could pick it out and move on.

I could pick it out and eat around it. But that thing's too curly. What about length? Is there a length requirement that would eliminate? No. What about if it's swirled into the food a little much? Not just on top. Curly, coarse hair in my food.

We should warn my people who are eating yeah to not eat during this well i think the name of the draft worst things to find where do they think we're going mike with pleasant things just sometimes you got to put a warning um yeah so anyways so you're going pubic hair which is a terrible thing to find exactly right i still find it humorous how disgusting we as people find foreign hairs. Yes. Because. It makes no sense.

There's so many things that are tangibly more disgusting and hold back tears. Like a hair is not. I mean, God forbid you eat a hair or an eyelash. Yeah. Who cares? It really doesn't matter. But if I see one and it's not mine mine's fine of course if i see one and it's not mine it is it is like the dna of disgusting and on but on top

of that like you are not not that you're out there you know uh ruffling people's hair but you would have no problem just just giving someone's hair a tussle well i mean there's a whole industry of people that cut hair and it's not gross for them. Until it's on the ground. Oh, yeah. Until it's on the ground. It's disgusting. It's absolutely foul when it's on the ground.

You get your pubic hair cut on? Is that what you go in and say? Will you trim up my pubic hair? Yes. I'd like my- My face pubes trimmed? My face pubes trimmed, please. Yeah, you bunch of psychos pretending like that's normal.

Yeah, so- I can't wait to hear you say that. This show is about scientific accuracy. I know what Andy learned today. Yeah, you betcha. You have face pubes. All right. So, I thought this was.

It's very disgusting, Jason. But I thought you were going to go with this. Just a good old fashioned. Because one of the things about going out to eat to a restaurant is you don't want to think about the kitchen because you know that they're there. Oh, no. You know that they are there.

And if a cockroach finds its way into your food, that's it. Not only is that you're not eating what's on your plate, you are probably never eating eating there you're not eating what's on your plate you are probably never eating in that restaurant ever again that's a definite for me probably well that was tuesday let's just say like your favorite restaurant if that happened it would be done yeah i've got something very similar on my list that's obviously a big one yeah the cockroach was high on my list would have been my next pick and that makes perfect sense

alright so I have to pick two times yes you do I love that I did I threw I threw poop out the window because it wasn't very realistic but I've got some very unrealistic other picks on this list. A chicken head. That could happen.

One of them that's going to be my pick here is I'm going to need help with it because I'm literally forgetting the name of it right here. Let's work it out. We got you. We got you. Which is when flies, they eat maggots. Yeah. Maggots is the pick.

I don't know why I couldn't remember right then. I was between pubic hair and maggots. Yes, you always are. Glass and maggots. And then I have another pick here. Maggots are the most foul thing imaginable. What is a gooey? A maggot.

They're squirmy. The name is part of it. see a gooey a maggot the name is part of it sure it's a maggot it's so disgusting and what's funny is like i feel like if there are other bugs that are it's not as bad as well there's a quantity of them too there's a lot it's not one you never have one there's always a crew right they roll together yeah and you've the gang entourage i guess the the thing that really puts it over the top is that you usually don't find maggots just like oh flies are making babies right out on the back porch no no no it's like they're finding a dead pigeon on the back porch and they're making babies in there. There you go. All right. My third pick is going to be strange.

It's ink. Oh. So I'm going with ink because the idea of eating something and then- And then it's staining your teeth. Your entire mouth. It's like a broken pen worth of ink in your mouth. That's funny. It's a disaster that is funny so i will go with ink as my third choice i love that pick i mean i because i can just see it

you know it's like especially if there's any way to hide the flavor if you can hide the flavor enough it's in something else and then you're halfway through this meal just covered yeah it feels like a trick you could play for sure yeah i'm gonna have to put some ink seasoning ink all right uh my next pick i'm gonna go one that's a little bit more uh like this this feels like it's got to be happening every single day across uh across the globe and it's a band-aid oh it's on my list the chef they i mean you're working with a knife maybe you cut your finger and you got to put the band-aid on and whoops where did that band-aid go when did i lose that thing that thing is so a band-aid anywhere is so disgusting yes it is it's so gross think about the difference between the cleanliness of the hair, which, I mean, it's the foulest thing ever, but it's probably fine.

And then a Band-Aid is only used to cover a wound that was bleeding. You might as well have a wound in the food. You have selected blood, human cells, plastic, sticky. That's phenomenal. Home run. Perhaps disease. Blood? Yes. Human cells? Plastic? Sticky? That's phenomenal. Home run. Perhaps disease. Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, that's not good.

All right, Jason, your final two picks. My final two picks. I have really learned something here today. I have learned that when things become disconnected from the human body, it gets one million times more disgusting. You know what I mean? Hair is fine until it's off your body. Fingers are fine until it's off of a body. But it's the same with nails.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Finger nails? Oh, yeah. Hoed nail clippings. Oh, yeah. They call those pubic nails. Yeah. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Finger nails? Oh, yeah. Toe nail clippings. Oh, yeah. They call those pubic nails. Yeah. Right, because they're down low.

Now, if you saw just a fully detached nail in your food, you think you would know if it was a finger or a toe? Oh, well, you know a big toe. Absolutely. Wait, do you? Oh, yeah. You know like a good thumb versus a good big toe? You think you would get that right every time?

A hundred percent. I mean, if it's... But why does it make a difference? Because feet are dirtier. But maybe not. No, maybe not. I get that. I get that.

But I wash my hands on a regular basis. I don't wash my feet. I mean, in the shower... How many toenails to eliminate this from contention? One? What's that? One toenail found in your food Oh yeah, that's done

I don't know if you're noticing one How many things like that have you eaten before? That is always the worry Okay, what's your last pick? Alright, my last pick Is going to be one that you have heard about in fast food places as purposeful, as done. This is something that is... I already took poop.

That's not actually done. People don't take a dump on your food. But you want to know what they do? They spit in their food. They hock a loogie under that bun and put that bun right on top. And the thing is. And you will never know. That's the biggest problem.

But if you find any kind of snot loogie texture. We got to eat here in a bit. That's the grossest one. You have went completely human-based. You have fingers, pubic hairs, toenail clippings, and loogies. So I don't want to find people in my food. That's what I don't like. People stand with the people, food with the food.

That's right. Yeah, that's a good call. Mike has poop, cockroach, Band-Aid. All right, and we're going to close this off with, look, if you go in the pantry, like, I'm hankering, I want to make a sandwich. Yeah. And you go into the pantry, you pull out the bread.

Moldy. And all you see, it just takes one piece, at least for me. Oh, for sure. One piece. Oh, a fuzzy friend. We've probably talked about this. Just the heel on the backside, it's got a little bit of mold growing on.

That entire loaf of bread is going into the garbage. Soiled. All soiled. It's all ruined. Mold. And you probably aren't catching it right away. But, yeah, if you find some mold on your sandwich mold, wherever, that is so. I am very curious how much mold you can eat and it not matter. Because I think that's probably a decent amount.

I mean, you might be able to eat mold and we're just all ignoring it. Yeah. No, it's not good. Yeah, mold is not. You can't just eat unlimited mold. What is this, penicillin? It's good for me. Yeah, and if you are someone that does the rip off the cheese, off the piece of bread that's my wife and eat

the rest well i didn't want to say this directly to any human i was just proving them all together but you are the worst you need to grow up you've got to get control of your life i mean unless you got that bread from a bread line you could throw throw that thing away because it's moldy. If I had a block of cheese and it was under 20% and it was isolated, I'd be willing to cut that thing in half. It's funny. Rewind the tape and listen to what I just said. But I know I'm with Andy. The cheese is kind of like its own thing where it's supposed to like, not mold, but.

But cheese, if it's a block of cheese, I am able to cut off. You need at least two inches of distance. Oh, there's, I go extra. I'm not just cutting off the mold. No, this is like a tumor. Yes. You're making sure it's gone. Yeah.

Gross. All right. Yeah, it's weird. So Mike went with poop, cockroach, bandaid, and mold. My picks, glass, maggots, ink. And I'm going to close it down with something only Jason would approve of in this draft. I mean, look, you said. Must be from a person.

If it comes from a person, it's separated from the body. It's bad. I'm going with teeth. It's on my list. I'm going with teeth. Awful. Because part of this is I'm going to break my teeth on your teeth. Yes.

And then I'm going to say, wow, that's somebody's teeth. If you take a tooth out of your mouth, the first thing you do is you probably. Put it under your pillow. That's the second thing. The first thing you do is you take your tongue and you find which tooth is missing. And when you find out there ain't none of your teeth missing. Oh, gross. That's true.

Oh, that is disgusting. Yeah, and Al was quick to point out in our Slack that if it was 24-karat gold, maybe you made some money. Oh, there you go. Then you can afford to replace your broken tooth. How are you selling that? Are you smelting that down? Are you going to the gold people?

I'm not familiar with selling people's teeth. They're like, oh, I'll give you $2. Where'd you get the teeth? No, they never ask. They don't ask. All right. Yeah, the gold people don't care. That was our disgusting worst things to find in your food at a restaurant draft.

Were there any extras? I mean, I had some. I had bugs just in general. You guys had roaches and maggots. Marbles. I had, for me personally, a half-eaten ghost pepper. Oh, just like it's tucked away. I just see it, and I realize what's in my mouth.

Why does it have to? Oh, because you ate it. Because I ate the other half, and it's about to. I just see it and I realize what's in my mouth. Why does it have to... Oh, because you ate it. I ate the other half and it's about to be a real problem. I thought about taking a good shot at tomatoes here and just saying tomatoes. I have beets on my list. Worst thing to find in your food, beets. I had boogers and nails.

Or like finding a nail in your food. Like a hammer and nail. Not fingernails. I had needles as well. That'd be bad. All right. What did we learn today? All hair is pubic hair. Yeah.

After a certain point. No, I mean, I've grown. Most of my hair has grown after puberty. Yeah, okay. Fair. All right, that's fair. I learned about the new fashion trend, the peekaboo boo. It's on its way to you.

Mine's far more practical is that a bathroom fan actually takes the air out of the house. See, now maybe you leave it on a little longer. Maybe I will. Yeah. Burn that thing down. Oh, no. If that ever happened. Wow.

All right. That'll do it for today's Spitballers. Thanks for tuning in and supporting the show. Tell your friends. Wow. All right, that'll do it for today's Spitballers. Thanks for tuning in and supporting the show. Tell your friends. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.