Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: B-Team Basketball & The Worst Holiday Traditions - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 2, 2023

Spit Hit for January 2nd, 2023: Is Owl finally defeated in another edition of Liar, Liar!? Tune in to find out! But before that, we talk about being a b-team champion, how much money you can make as a professional bowler, and the amount of skill necessary to become an olympic curler. We close this episode down with a draft of our least favorite holiday traditions! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads, we are off for New Year's, but we'll be back next week with a brand new episode. Never fear, we have an excellent Spit Hit episode for you today. I promise you will laugh 18 to 25 times. Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, welcome in to episode 127.

Thank you for that introduction, Jason. You're welcome. I don't know if it was the performance or the compression over the internet chat we're on, but it was like the volume was down. It was real down. It was almost just real sensual there's a whisper yeah yeah well i'm here here's the thing no one has done a whisper one until now maybe asmr um we're here to make the listeners feel things we want some we want to reach you where you're at and i know where a lot of the listeners are at.

It's on those filthy ASMR chats. That's right. And I just reached out to them. You're welcome. I thought you were going to say in places where they need to be very, very quiet. And they listen to this show and we try to keep it down. That's not recommended. That is not recommended.

You're going to have some stares here in a little bit. That's true. That's true. Would you rather end our favorite segment, Liar Liar little bit. That's true. That's true. Would you rather, and our favorite segment, Liar Liar on the show today. Going down, Al. Oh, this is the time. Did I go two?

I was two for three last time. Yeah, you didn't do it, Mike. Nobody's done it. Nobody's defeated Al Borland, producer. I thought for a minute maybe I did, and then I remembered I didn't. You know, for a mediocre producer, you're really good at that game.

You're great. Really. Thanks. He're great. Really. Thanks. He's the best liar. Honestly, Andy, that is so well said by you. I mean, you are so good at that game, which is shocking to everybody. Yeah. Comparatively speaking.

Right. Yeah. Compared to other work. But continue recording the show, please. We do. We've started. Let's keep this train on the road. Great draft today at SpitballersPod on Twitter.

SpitballersPod.com is the website. Thank you, all you Spitwads out there supporting the show, sending in your ideas for this show. We take so many of your questions and your draft ideas, and we love them. They are morsels of joy, really, for us. Morsels? Has a morsel ever brought anybody joy?

Sure, sure. Thank you. Thank you for that morsel. It was tasty. And we thank you for the subscriptions and reviews on Apple Podcasts. And we've got a Would You Rather segment right now. Thank you for the subscriptions and reviews on Apple Podcasts. And we've got a Would You Rather segment right now. Let me.

Would you rather. I'm going to cut you off is what I'm going to do. Yeah. Yeah. We are recording remotely today. And so. You don't say. So some of the drops might be timed poorly um going back to the morsel um question and the fulfillment and joy uh that that can provide i am uh i'm currently going i'm

currently on a diet uh-huh and every meal that i have is a bite. It's a morsel. It's a morsel. Oh, no, the morsel diet. Yeah, the Moore's morsel diet. Morsel for muscles. Let me tell you something. Oh, no. It is not as satisfying as gorging myself to the end of my life. Every time I eat these delicious bites, and I do mean bites as my lunch, I think I would

like to do this 200 more times, but I can't because it's all gone. Oh, no. So that's how it's going then. I'm down 12 pounds, fellas. Oh, 12? Good for you, man. 12 pounds. 12?

Well, when you put on a lot of weight up front, it's front-loading that diet. I'm sure you could gorge on vegetables and be fine. Yeah, why would I do that? I'm just saying, if you want that feeling of the tum-tum being expanded. Here's the problem with vegetables. I can eat a million pieces of broccoli, carrots. I don't dislike vegetables. I could eat them for a snack all the time if they're

dipped in ranch and then it takes the entire purpose out because i we've been home making ranch lately and that is let's just say not healthy it's half mayo uh oh man you can put some sour cream in it if you want and then then buttermilk. You went up to half mayo? Because it's supposed to be like a third, isn't it? Did you upgrade it? Wait, is this supposed to be a third? I did half mayo and half buttermilk. It's nine-tenths mayo.

I'm going to mayo. I'm dipping my vegetables in mayonnaise. And it's so good. But I can't seem to lose weight. My daughter is the worst at throwing out that kid's line of, like, I'm starving, where I'm like, no, you're not starving. You just had to wait like an hour to eat between snacks. She will come out, and she will be dying of hunger, according to her.

And I'll be like, well, yeah, you can have, yeah, sure, you can have a snack. You can have unlimited carrots. You can have as many carrots as you want right now. You can have it. You're starving. You need, never touches a carrot. No, I don't really like carrots very much. Oh, okay, you're probably okay.

She also talks like a really weird old man. What was his voice? That was like, that was Barney from the Andy Griffith show. Yeah, that was not my daughter's actual voice. All right, we're doing Would You Rather. Is that what we're doing? I guess so. It's a wonderful life.

Dad, we're so hungry. I don't like carrots, Dad. Father. All right, this question comes in from Mashed mashed taters that's the name over on patreon thank you for supporting the show you sound so good would you uh it's just a morsel would you rather be the captain of the b team or the second string player on the a team so uh this is a good question i remember i remember high school i remember varsity, and I remember freshman team and junior varsity. You want to be the best on – oh, I know Jason's answer.

Yes, Jason wants to be the – Jason, if you were like, you want to be the best on the D-League team, Jason would be like, yeah, man, I want to dunk on these fools and make fools out of them. I want to dunk on these fools and make fools out of them i want to be the mvp i don't want to why would i want to go and and play poorly and not be recognized for my talents when i can destroy other people and be looked upon as a great athlete but is anyone looking at you because you're on he would leave the would leave the D-League part out. He would leave that part out of the story. Yeah, but no one's watching.

It's true. But whoever is watching is impressed by me. Everybody who's watching the other league, unimpressed. They don't know who I am. They don't know my name. They're like, oh, that's number 11. That's all they know. But here, all five eyeballs. There's two and a half people,

so there's five eyeballs watching. But all five eyeballs that are watching, or maybe there's three people and there was a horrific accident. I can't watch this with both my eyes. But those people watching are saying, man, who's that Jason Moore? Who is that number 11? He's good.

I mean, are you telling me you'd rather stink in a bigger league? You're not stinking. You're on the second string. I mean, you get to say you're on varsity. You get to go tell people, yeah, I made the varsity team. I mean, you never get to watch me play because I'm a binge warmer, but I'm on varsity. Now, Andy, were you on varsity. Now, Andy, did you do where do you want varsity?

No, no, no. I played junior varsity baseball for a year. Because I didn't do any of the organized sports in high school, so I have no idea what that life is like. I have to imagine there's kids that make varsity and would never see a single snap or

a single second of game time, right? That is 100% true. Okay, so it's possible you practice with the A team and you're on the bench forever. I actually have a story where I played a lot of basketball growing up in these leagues, and I made the all-star team one of the years, and it was the traveling all-star team. So you went to a tournament, and you went with the team,

and this was like I couldn't have been more excited. I didn't play a minute. I traveled with the team. Okay, so you know what it's like. I traveled with the team. I sat on the bench. I kept waiting to be put in. I had no idea why I never played,

and it was the most awful experience. You didn't know why you weren't playing? I was the best, so I don't know why. No, no, no, no, no. No, that's Mike. Listen, okay. Spitwatch, you've got to understand this. The coach told you why you weren't playing.

He just didn't use words. Mike, you are wrong. No, I am not. Politics, Mike not politics my politics no 100 positive here's why here's look maybe this is just uh you know me put my situation on here but the same thing happened to me in high school andy and i played basketball growing up all the time uh we played the best we were the best we were super good yeah and tell me more i made the all-star team unlike unlike andy i actually made the teams in high school oh were you on varsity uh i quit before varsity and let me tell you why um i quit because of what andy just described. You can't fire me.

I quit. They literally, no, they asked me to come back after I quit. Yeah, because they needed someone on the bench. Apparently. Because I played freshman and I played JV. And I was also into theater in high school. And all of these, we had a, here's my story. We had a one-on-one tournament at practice, one-on-one. And this is high school, so the range of heights on people are astronomical.

And I was a point guard. I'm not the tall guy on the team. This is a one-on-one tournament. I have not been getting any playing time. I literally might come in for 30 seconds at the end of a game if we're up or down by enough. And we have this one-on-one tournament. I win. i win the whole thing i dominated and then i'm like i'm gonna play this week and i didn't get in one second

that week because one-on-one is not real basketball the skills are there my man i'm great at basketball that's why all the guys who are on the and one tour aren't in the NBA because it's a different game. Okay. Better example. Seventh and eighth grade. Oh, no. We got to go even further back. We got to go to my childhood.

I made the team. When I was at the Y, I ran those courts. My mother told me I was the best player on the court in fourth grade. She said nobody could hang with me. I'm taking the captain of the B team, by the way. That's what I just decided. I made the team in seventh and eighth grade because my best friend's father was the coach. And we played all.

Oh, that's why you made the team. 100%. And I played every game. And I was great. And then that coach left. He took a different job. And I didn't play anymore. So, whatever. I'm going to star in the B league. job and I didn't play anymore. So whatever.

I'm going to star in the B League. I'm with that now. I want playing time. That's what I want. You talked about theater. You got starring roles? Yeah, I was the lead in almost every show in high school. Okay. Politics? Yeah.

Was that politics? Or were you actually good? Pure skill. That was pure skill. That was peer skill. I blame my height. That is pretty funny. All right, I'm out of here. I quit.

You two enjoy doing the rest of this show by yourself. Oh, my goodness. All right, Mike, are you taking the A team? Oh, I'm the captain of the B team. Let's go. Okay, we're all doing that. All right, Mac from the website, would you rather be a bowling champion or a curling champion?

Oh. And for those unfamiliar with curling, that is the very rarely seen northern Olympic sport where you are tossing a stone, essentially, sliding it across the ice and using these brooms. And then you are cleaning the ice so that it heats up and melts a little bit and stops the puck from going. And I will say two things about curling.

Number one, it is fabulous. When the Winter Olympics are on, I really don't care about anything, but I love curling. I don't know what it is about the sport. It just has an allure to it. But number two, how in the heck is curling an Olympic sport? They literally have brooms. That's the equipment.

It's a broom. It takes skill. I'm not taking anything away from that. These people are very good at their game. But how is this a sport? Well, it's always weird when there's no – I don't know. Major sports have been taken out of the Olympics.

I think baseball might be done or something. Or they've pulled indoor volleyball or something away. And then curling's like, yep, we got to have that. Or the one where you ski and then you shoot a gun and then you ski some more and then you shoot a gun again. Wait, is that a real thing? Oh, yeah. Yes.

So you're skiing with a gun. You throw it over your shoulder. But it's cross country skiing. It's cross country skiing. And then it over your shoulder, and then you cross-country ski, and then you pull the gun out, and then you shoot, and then you put it back over, and then you ski. Dude, is that one of the options here? Cross-country skiing is really just running on skis, right?

Yeah, I mean, it's skiing on skis. I get that you push. It is. It's called the biathlon. Yeah, yeah. Look, all due respect, and really, I don't mean that to curlers who I don't believe deserve my respect or admiration. Oh, boy.

Bowling is... Somebody made the B team on the curling high school team. It's the silliest made-up game I've ever seen. Curling, not bowling. Bowling is classic. It's as old as time. Let's knock things down with other things. Just like all of its champions.

Just like its champions. It's bigger and cracking. My role model, if you will. Is there new blood getting in the bowling scene? Old blood. Old blood only. I don't think you're allowed to start bowling officially, like in a league, until you're 50, right?

And you have to smoke three packs a day, right? Isn't that the bowling alley requirement? Yeah, you can chew, because I know a lot of times the smoke indoors is not, you know, it's not liked. I think I want to be a curlerler because I want to slide on the ice. I think that sounds fun. Yeah, or whatever the person who launches the puck. He slides forever.

He or she. That's a really fun job. But one of these sports, I can eat nachos while I am at the top of the top. Licking my fingers and then dry him off on the vent. And then I go and I maybe hit nine or 10 pins. I don't know. Bowling, like being a bowling champ, I think is a, let's see if that feels like a good

deal. I also believe there's a lot more money in bowling than in curling. You know, you're once every $5 more. Yeah. I mean, curling, nobody knows of it outside of. than in your once every four years. Curling? At least $5 more. Yeah, I mean, curling, nobody knows of it outside of... We live in Arizona. There might be a curling scene that we haven't quite exposed ourselves to. Well, here's what I know. Wherever curling is, there's also bowling.

There's a bowling lane there. That's true. But there's no curling here. So, yeah, I'm going to take the big money, big paychecks. And that's right. I did it. I'm going to be a bowler. Yeah, I like it.

There is a grand. I'm looking at a. This was real quick. But a Wikipedia page for a grand slam of curling. Oh, I believe it. It offers a purse of at least $100,000 Canadian. Well, that's not a lot of money, Mike. That's like, what, $20?

I'm not sure. $20 American? If there was a bowling... $77,000 American. Okay. I was trying to make fun of our friends from the North, Owl. Yeah, get with it, Owl. Walter Ray Williams Jr. is who comes up for highest paid bowler.

Looks like he has PBA earnings over $4.9 million. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. We are in the wrong business. You can be a millionaire as a professional bowler? If you're good enough. I think that goes to almost any sport. Except curling. to almost any sport that i mean not except curling it is curling is you get a hundred thousand or less if you convert it into american dollars keep it canadian i guess this this feels really

disrespectful what i'm about to say here and look sorry i'm not sorry about it how how long would you have to work to get yourself into contention that you can go and start competing in bowling tournaments? A while. A long while. A couple years? Sure. Because you could give me three lifetimes, and I would never be able to compete in baseball, basketball, tennis. be able to compete in baseball basketball tennis you're saying the bar seems lower and that's why you think it's disrespectful because you feel like the you know it's 10 pins it's over there

and everybody can kind of press i don't know that's true it seems like an anybody can do it sport so whereas you know not everybody can play in the nba how tall are you you're you're 5 11 you're out i mean we'd. Everybody can golf, too, but come on. No, golf is really hard. Golf is the hardest sport ever. We went bowling for... Was that Brooks' birthday? I bowled

a plus 200 game, and I hadn't bowled in like eight years, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just throwing the ball as hard as I can. You should hit the circuit. From what I understand, you can make up to $4.9 million bowling. I'm just throwing the ball as hard as I can. You should hit the circuit. From what I understand, you can make up to $4.9 million bowling. I'm out of here, man. What's your final answer?

I'm being a bowler, apparently. I'm going to be a bowler, and Andy is, of course, going to take the curling, and I know why. It's because it's similar. That's my side hustle. It's similar to bags where you throw the object and you try to land it in the right spot. Yeah.

Andy is, or cornhole, whatever you call it in your region. Yeah, shuffleboard or any of that stuff. Andy is outrageously good at cornhole, and I hate him. I hate him. Well, Al and I are especially good together. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, wait, no. Was it Mike?

Yes. My bad. No, it was Andy and I. We won 13 straight. It, whoa, whoa. Oh, wait, no. Was it Mike? Yes. My bad. No, it was Andy and I. We won 13 straight. It was Andy and whoever. Whoever's on Andy's team won. All right.

We're moving forward. This is a very sports-oriented Would You Rather. Would you rather be fantastic at riding horses or amazing at driving dirt bikes? This is Martin from the website. Interesting. Interesting. Would is Martin from the website. Interesting. Interesting. Would you rather ride the horse or the mechanical horse? I mean, practically speaking, there are certain places you could take a dirt bike that you couldn't take a horse. And there are certain places you could take a horse that you couldn't take a dirt bike, right?

Or can you take a dirt bike everywhere you would take a horse that you couldn't take a dirt bike right or can can you take can you take a dirt bike everywhere you would take a horse i can you take a dirt bike anywhere you can take a horse yes you take well no no i mean you can't ride dirt bikes through like city streets but can't you take horses through city streets yeah Yeah, that's what... Can a horse, like, jump a sick ramp? I mean... I don't think a horse can jump a ramp, no. Unless they put them on ice skates. In which case, yes. Jump over it?

So, yeah, I guess it's like, do you want to be able to do sick jumps, is the question to me. And yes, I want to be able to fly through the air, so I'm taking the dirt bikes. Sorry, it's as easy and basic as that i know there's other things built into this but i just want to do all those jumps my cowboy jeans are starting to come out here where it's like look i could be your huckleberry you know what i mean have you ever ridden a horse, Andy?

Sure, I have, Mike. Wait, have you? No, this is a real question. No, I have. If you've ever ridden a horse. Yeah. I mean, not by myself. Not like, here, let's take him out on the range by myself. Right.

But just a couple. Like in a horseback riding event. Yeah. Where you just do the tour. Yeah. Yeah, I've done a couple of those. Jay, have you ever ridden a horse? I've ridden a horse, yes.

Yes. I've slowly galloped at the most. Mostly walking. The best horse moment of my life was... The best. He rags them. Well, look, I've been on a horse so many times. I mean, I can't even count.

I was on a family trip with the parents, and we were in San Diego. We did a horseback thing where you're mostly just walking, but then you get to the beach, and the horses just take off, right? It's a full sprint on the beach. That's a rough ride. Yes, it is a rough ride. Number one, I didn't know what was about to happen, and I had one foot in, and the other foot was not in the strap.

Thankfully, it was not a disaster. I was able to get it in, but I'm on a horse, and there's a pack of us. We're all running full speed. And there's a pack of us. We're all running full speed. One of the horses just starts letting loose. This horse is taking the full on dump and it's running at full speed. And you know how much I laugh at a poop joke now.

This was teenage Mike watching a horse running full speed, just pooping everywhere. How is this possible? Was there somebody behind that horse? No. We were sort of spread out, so no one got any collateral damage. How can you go in your full sprint? I've never gone full sprint. Have you gone full sprint, Jason?

No, I'm going to have to try it soon, though. If someone challenged me to go full sprint, I don't know if my body could do it. No, there's no chance. If I was running, I would never, ever. If I had a diaper and full allowance. Maybe if I was hopping two-foot hops. It would never happen. This has been done back in the old CKY2K video era.

Wow. If you want to see a human do it, you can find it. I think I want to be amazing at riding horses. I think I want that to be my surprise talent. Would you be a jockey or would you be more of the show horse where you wear the fancy outfits

and you do the obstacle course? Neither, Mike. I would be the master of horses that the bucking bronco comes in and no one can calm down. Oh, you're the tamer. I calm him down. You break him.

And then I break him, and he's my loyal horse. That's me. That's who I am. And I rule the old west. Yeah, I'm definitely taking the dirt bike here because you want to know where I can put my dirt bike when I'm done with it? Just at my house.

In a stable? Oh, okay. Yeah, exactly. I don't have to feed this thing. I don't have to clean up poop everywhere. I don't have to worry about him getting out and exercising. Just send him on a run and have him poop out in the street. That's what you do. Can you do that with your dog?

Alright. I guess you can do that with your dog. Alright, I think it's time to defeat Mr. Borland once and for details. Find a Michelin tire dealer by visiting Tire Discounter Group's Tread Experts dealer locator

at tireddiscountergroup.ca slash locations. Tire Discounter Group. Tire Discounter Group.ca. It's going down. Liar, liar. liar liar pants on fire all right all right this is this is the one we've been strategically building the lore for al borland for this moment for this. We want him to seem like it's an insurmountable task to try to overcome his lying. It's a show. And here's when we break that.

So here's how it works. Three rounds, three facts, two are true, one is a lie. And today's the day you go down, Al. How do you feel about that? We'll see. One is a lie. And today's the day you go down, Al. How do you feel about that? We'll see. Yeah. All right. Round one.

I'm going to be honest. It's going to be easy today. Round one, fact one. The name Jessica was created by Shakespeare in the play Merchant of Venice. I feel like I should know that. Yeah. A theater boy, we need you. Were you on B team or a team theater

over there uh it's on a team theater but uh all right don't remember your facts number two john tay uh john tyler the 10th president of the united states has a grandson who is alive today okay hold on yeah all right just for this one yes is. Do either of you know that John Tyler is a president? Yeah. I think that's right. I don't know for sure that John Tyler was a president, but I know for sure that this had come up. Yeah.

And I thought that the chain of facts said that he recently passed away. So hopefully Borland is not trying to do like a semantics thing. But I had just heard this i've heard it too mike how i can confirm we're working against al here it was the 10th president in the united states and like somehow in a string of events they all just kept having children at the age of 70 and that somehow has worked out that one of them is or the grandson was alive today i think that is factually true. I think that is true.

I've seen that episode of 2020 or whatever the heck you're talking about. Ryan Gosling, Chris Pratt, and Ryan Reynolds were all college cheerleaders. Gosling, Pratt, and Ryan Reynolds, all college cheerleaders is the third fact. So you have the Jessica Shakespeare. That's believable.

You have the John Tyler one, and you have the Ryan Gosling, Chris Pratt and Ryan Reynolds. And once again, I'm in full tilt. He's so good. He's so good at making up these lies. I have no idea. I don't think that Chris Pratt was a cheer. Wow. Was he? I totally believe Chris Pratt was a cheerleader. Could have been. It's between the Jessica and the Gosling one for me. I think the Tyler one's true. The John Tyler president. I'm with you guys. I have seen that before.

I've seen that, that, you know, if we're all destroyed by that one being the lie right now, it will be the worst moment. Like I said, it will be semantics. And we've,

he doesn't do that. He hasn't done that to us before. Which means, so you're saying you know that that person died. No, I don't know if they did or not. I think he's still alive. I'm going with the name Jessica was invented by Shakespeare in the play. I don't think Shakespeare invented a name. I know that old Bill coined some phrases in his time, but not the name Jessica.

I'm going to go with the Gosling, Pratt, and Ryan Reynolds one, that they were not all college cheerleaders. Jason? Oh, man. That's the most impressive lie here. That is the most impressive lie. If that was made up by al borland i will be very impressed i'm gonna go with the name jessica uh i don't think shakespeare made the name jessica even though he made so much all right al well jason i appreciate your compliments as always that was a very impressive lie uh they were not college cheerleaders none of them were and jessica was created by shakespeare yeah i'm alive i'm still alive that one hurts all right you're you're our horse in the race andy all right you gotta go two more corrects as soon as i realized it was college i felt that's such a good line though that's such a smart yeah that's exactly why it was like the three actors i mean how many

hours do you spend on these 10 20 uh legitimately it takes about two three hours to put this together all right okay well i feel better about this liar all right round two well if he was like i just two minutes then i fool you guys with a what What kind of psychopath works for us? Are we working for... All right. Apples are orange. False. Round two. Kevin Bacon founded an organization called Bacon's Place that rehomes rescued pigs.

Oh, man. Bacon's Place that rehomes rescued pigs, and it's done by Kevin Bacon. I hope that's true. Are there a lot of rescues out there in the pig community? Oh, rescued. Probably. Cleopatra lived closer to the invention of the iPhone than she did to the building of the Great Pyramid.

Yeah, I know that one. I know that that is correct. Okay. And a third one, a blue whale's heart is so large, a human being could swim through the individual arteries. I swear I've heard that one. Oh, man. I swear I've heard that one. That brings me great pain because I really wanted the bacon one to be true,

but I'm locking it in. The Kevin Bacon one is the lie for me. Yeah, yeah, I'm right there with you. I think the other two are true. I know Cleopatra thing is true, and blue whales are gigantic, so Kevin Bacon did not. I need to make sure I do this correctly, guys. I got to really think through this.

We get to throw out our answer willy-nilly. It doesn't matter. And Cleopatra one, I agree with you guys. I think that that makes sense to me. The blue whale's heart is large but you're talking about arteries being so large that we could swim through them that would mean that this heart i mean that's that seems hard to believe that is a humongous heart an artery i will say small part of a heart but i don't want to like i don't want to like try and influence you one way or the other

but i think you're underestimating how big a blue whale is bigger or smaller than a horse just kidding here's the thing not all people are my size i could probably not swim through the artery of a blue whale but there are people that are thinner than i that i think could make it you're a blood clot is that what you say i would give him a full heart attack jace is just a big thing of cholesterol now i to me the kevin bacon one makes sense that he would start an organization called bacon's place that is i think that part is 100 true i think the rehoming of rescued pigs is the lie. I think the Bacon's Place is something to do with a community center or something. So I will agree. Kevin Bacon, I'll lock it in as the lie.

Oh, no. You guys all got that one right. Yes. Yes. Yes. It pains me to say it. And as far as I know, I just made up Bacon's Place. I don't think it's a real thing.

You should send him an email. That's a great idea for him oh well here we are come on andy bring it home you just got beat up because of the random trivia fact round round three the the chance to defeat al is upon us uh number one i've been i know this pressure it's not fun uh all right fact number one, round three. The fingerprints of a koala bear are virtually indistinguishable from the fingernails of a human. Oh, I'm sorry. Fingerprints. The fingerprints of a koala bear are virtually indistinguishable from the fingerprints of a human,

even when studied under a microscope. Okay. Okay. Processing that one. Seems outlandish, but also seems like science could throw that one at us. I would have assumed their fingers had fur on it, but I guess I haven't been around a koala enough. Fact two, the music of the band Rush has been featured in more video games than any other band or musician. Okay.

I believe it. That seems to make sense to me. Number three, Russia has a larger surface area than pluto mike i'm gonna need to call phone a friend here i feel like this is the outer space is somewhat of your territory here yeah uh that seems hard to believe but i know pluto's real small that some people never wanted to treat a planet because of its size right My spider sense is tingling yet again, and I believe that I have heard both of those first two trivia factoids.

Making the Pluto one improbable. Yeah, the Pluto one would be... I'm locking that one in as the lie, but I will tell you my confidence is not at a point where you should put everything... Don't bet everything on what I'm saying right now. I believe... Trust your instincts. I believe that the lie is the fingerprints at a point where you should put everything don't bet everything on what i'm saying right i i believe trust your instincts i believe that the lie is the fingerprints of a koala looking at the first

two lies that al came up with they are they are you know they're they're so well crafted and thought out and a little bit longer i i think he i think he got too cocky i think the fingerprints is the lie i'm gonna lock you think he ran out of time no i i think he was trying to be too just have too impressive with the law oh you got too cute even when studied under a microscope it just sounds so specific that it wouldn't be the lie but it is because he's a liar throwing in the comma and then the extra line is what's selling you on that a little bit. Man. And also.

Okay. So like, yeah, I got you. How many times bigger is Earth than Pluto? I know. Right? Wait. Yes. Earth is.

Right. Yes. And so, you know, Russia has a pretty large chunk. Yeah. I'm going koala fingerprints. So now I have to decide between the two. Pressure. I don't think.

I mean, I just can't live in a world where Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto, the planet. I don't think that that's true. But let me ask you this. Let me just examine this. The moon. All right. Do you think the moon has a larger surface area than Russia? Because that's how I want to think of pluto

is about the moon's size i do those smaller than the moon is he i don't know why did i say is he because pluto's not a he well the dog is much smaller than russia and it's okay is this the dog oh is this a trap it's the dog. Is this Pluto the animal? Yes. He's not even talking. All right. No hints. No, it is the planet. I thought that was a rhetorical question.

Oh, that was it. That was the lie. That's the trap because Pluto's not a planet anymore. I mean, are people like using koala bears all over the place to get away with crimes? I mean, are there koalas out there that are guilty of theft? I mean, they would be, but they're just sitting around eating all day how is a koala bear's fingers indistinct oh oh gosh this one stinks all right what's what what are you guys locking in did you already lock in yeah i lost this is a delay tactic go on i i locked in the fingerprints of a koala bear and mike locked in the russia larger surface area than

pluto lie look russia russia russia is a mother russia is a small area of earth as a whole there's no way it's pretty big i know but not relative to all of earth what percentage of the surface area of the earth is russia Not even probably. Like 2%? 1%? Oh, it's got to be bigger than that. Alright, I'm going to go with my gut and make Al's day. Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto. That

is the lie. I'm going to lock it in. Did I defeat you, Al Borland? Today's the day. We all get to live in a world where I am still undefeated. Was it the koalas? No, the lie was the one you guys didn't discuss at all, the music of the band Rush.

Oh, we just glossed right over that. I almost went back to that one, and I'm just like, that just seems so plain Jane, like such a simple fact that it didn't seem. You got us by being just so routine with that fact. Rush. I don't know. Rush. I mean, sure, that's right. I'm thinking of like Guitar Hero and it's like

rushes all over the place. Wow, man. Wait, so hold on. By extension, then Russia has a larger surface area than Pluto and the fingerprints of a koala bear are 100% indistinguishable from a human's. Yep. Those are both true. I knew I had heard the koala one. I just figured the Russian one was true.

Pluto. Pluto. Pluto. Okay. What is this bonus vocabulary round, Al? I just thought it'd be fun to see if you guys could figure out which one. It's another Two Truths and a Lie Oh is it? A little mini game We'll play a mini game Is that safe for work? I think I can pull it off Mike

Number one The way it smells after the rain Is called Petrichor I would go Praticor Petrichor? Petrichor? I would go Petrichor. Petrichor. Petrichor. Petrichor.

Petrichor. I was way off. Samsonite. Petrichor. Petrichor. Allegible handwriting is called griffinage. Griffinage. Griffinage.

And the little rubber hairs on new tires are called tittles. All right? Tittles. The little rubber hairs on new tires. That has got to be true. I don't think you're making up a Tittles joke. Number two, illegal handwriting is called Griffinage.

The Tittles Lee Wink? Yes, Mike. That's what we called it. And number one, the way it smells after the rain is called... That's the lie to me. I'm going to go lie. I think the lie is Griffinage. All right. Mike, lock one in here i'm gonna lock in yeah i'll go with the illegible because he's trying to get us with griff the grifters he's trying to trick us because jeremy because do i was called his real name owl borland is the

real grifter uh you're all wrong the the little rubber hairs on new tires uh tittles are actually the little dot on top of an i or a j oh well yeah a dot and a tittle but you know there's tittle things thanks for illuminating jason mr obvious meaning all right you knew this word yeah you didn't it makes sense a dot and tittle yeah no every i would have gotten this right all right let's draft It makes sense. A dot and tittle. Yeah. No. Or I would have gotten this right. All right. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft.

All right. What are we drafting? All right. Yeah, we are drafting the worst holiday traditions. The worst holiday traditions. This was one that was brought up as an idea. I don't know if we got it off of the Patreon or wherever, but when I first heard it, I was like,

well, no, all holiday traditions are fun, right? Holidays are great. They're joyful. They're wonderful. But then I started to think about it a little bit more, and there are some things that are maybe not so great. Maybe it be you know you want a holiday to be great sometimes you prune away a few things and focus on the very best traditions and i will say uh we are this is a very pro christmas crowd here oh you love it uh we might we might seem a little grinchy after this because that's it's kind of the name of this game and parents look we might talk about some stuff that maybe you don't want the kids

okay fair disclaimer yeah we don't want to we don't want to break that tradition for them just yet maybe they enjoy it and you don't want the curmudgeony adult do we want to just leave that specific high level topic off of this one for that sake so that they can participate i think we could we could get rid of that high level choice do you know what i mean yeah we can we could do that all right jason you have the first pick and uh what is the worst holiday tradition to you all right the worst holiday tradition is when i when i when you look at something and you go this only exists for one reason and that reason is not good enough for this to exist i'm taking fruitcake all right because fruitcake is nobody eats fruitcake. Nobody likes fruitcake. But for some reason, every year, millions of fruitcakes are made and given and thrown in the garbage.

I mean, it's just literally wasting resources. There was some fruit company who had garbage, old baked goods and nasty little pieces of fruit that were rotting. And they thought, how can I make money off of this? And back in the day, 200 years ago when it was invented, people ate it, and they were like, all right, this is pretty good. But now we have highly processed sweets and bread. Much, much better. Bread that is made out of donuts to begin with.

So I'm getting rid of all fruitcake it's the dumbest stupidest thing it shouldn't exist anymore my ass no go ahead my exposure with fruitcake is like bare minimal i don't even like non-existent for me i don't remember the i know that people uh feel the way that jason does about fruitcake but like and i know it's a joke in holiday movies like oh I brought you another fruitcake but I don't know no one's you've never had a fruitcake brought to your

you know family party I have never had that happen there's always a fruitcake at mine and the first thing my wife brought up was fruitcake she said fruitcake right away when I asked about some bad holiday traditions what exactly is it i mean it's besides the fruit part i think that

there's a lot of varieties right you can't you bake different things into a cake dog food so what you do is you take a canned dog food and then you put little pieces of fruit in it and you bake it but what is what is the is it actually is it like just regular cake and then they put fruit in it no what does it really out of worse than it's that fruit in it? No. What does it mean? That's what it looks like to me, but it is what Jason said. It says it's a cake made with candied or dried fruit, nuts, and spices, optionally soaked in spirits. It sounds fine until you have to eat it.

Trust me, I'm a dessert connoisseur. There are a lot of desserts that are old school. Before they had real desserts, they were like, oh, some fruit. Oh, this is the greatest treat of all time. I have a bite of fruit. And we're not in that time anymore. I agree with that one. I'm very happy to have what I think the worst

holiday tradition 101 on the table. It is far and away the number one because I hate it so much. I think it was manufactured, literally and figuratively. Like most of the holidays, yes. Just to create a sense of,

I guess, pressure to fulfill this one aspect of holidays and that is greeting cards as a whole related to holidays dang man greeting cards how did you how do you take christmas cards away from me oh is that what you're that's what you wanted yes they're the worst they are the stupidest what are you doing and if you don't do it you're supposed to be a bad person. Oh, no. I do not do it. I have never done it because when someone gives me a Christmas card, this is what I'm talking about. I'm going to sound like a curmudgeon, and that's fine.

When someone gives me a Christmas card, they're saying, here, please throw this away from me. And that's a waste of paper? And that's all they're doing. You feel obligated to buy them? What do you guys do when people send you the holiday pictures? what do you guys do with when people send you the holiday pictures what do you guys do with them well if i get holiday pictures i will hang them on the fridge for the duration up until christmas yeah my wife usually does the same thing either putting it up

on a wall or something here's here's we like people mike we like other people we do like people and that's that's a key part of this but i do i do think that 20 years ago, sending your family Christmas picture around to other families to say, hey, you haven't seen people in a year. Maybe you won't see them this Christmas. Maybe they're out of state. I get it. I get where some of these traditions started. But now there's social media. I see what you look like every day.

You want to take a picture of your family and let me see what it looks like. You have a time lapse already. I'll just put it up. I'll pull it up on my phone. I don't need you to send me a piece of paper with the same picture that I already saw on your timeline. Yeah. So greeting cards to me, they've been added to so many holidays. They are obligatory a lot of the times and they cost money like i always feel bad when somebody

has to spend five to ten dollars on a card this is part of it like i don't i don't want this what are you yeah look i know i get it i'm sorry we're making i'm making a lot of people upset right now because they've sent me cards and they're hearing me talk about i've tried to get this away from like our family before and our extended family. And I tried and they were like, no, we,

we want to give cards. So I was like, no, no, no. I I'd rather you save $5 or whatever. So, um,

okay. Okay. You can, uh, you can go Mike. All right. Uh, yeah.

Al Barlin has removed me from his Christmas card mailing list. Thank you. You have done me a favor, and you have just done yourself a favor. Also, everyone else just throws your garbage cards right into the trash. I just want you to know that because no one cares. All right. I have a couple that I want to go with here, and this one isn't rude. Traditions, whatever.

Just parents. Here we go. The freaking elf on a shelf. I have to whisper because I think that my children are listening to me. And look, we're recording this on December 1st. And last night, so it's the last night of November.

And my wife comes up and she's like, oh, you know what day it is? And I go, no, what's wife comes up and she's like oh you know what date is and i go no what what's going on and she's like you know what tomorrow is and i go no no because i know what exactly what that means that means that now i will be going to bed every night for the next 24 to 25 days, and I will be half asleep, and then someone will go, oh, crap, we didn't do the L. That's when you... And I will go, you have got...

And then I will fill the... I'm supposed to be in the holiday spirit. Holiday rage fills your soul. Exactly. I'm supposed to be merry. Holiday joy filling my body. Instead, rage fills my body as I have to come up with another stupid idea for these things to be doing. And I'm just like, oh, here we go again, because I know that it's going to fall on to me.

And but I know that it brings it brings the kids so much joy. It makes them so happy, and it makes me so angry, and it's this weird just bipolar fight. Sounds like parenting. Struggling. That is just going on inside of me, and I hate it. I hate that a company is making – the company that created this, they are making billions of dollars off of a completely fabricated new holiday tradition that is trash.

Our elves, plural. We have two of them now. Oh, yeah. I got three of them. Yeah. They baked cinnamon rolls last night and put them out for the kids this morning. Oh, so you guys go all out. The bar is set very high and come close to Christmas, I agree,

I will have lost quite a lot of hair thanks to my elf pulling it out of my head. You two sad saps. I do not do this tradition, and I have never been more thankful. How did you avoid it? I don't know, but I know I've been around you now for the last few years, and I've seen what you've gone through, and I've been so happy that this has been omitted from. Now, the joy that you talk about for your kids, look.

They love it. It's joy they don't know they don't got. That's what my kids are like. It's not going to hurt them. I'm pretty good right now. And then on top of that, for whatever reason, this has become a social media contest where everyone who's like super into it, like they're making, oh, they're in a snowball fight. They got to put the picture up on their Facebook to be like, look what our elves are getting into. Don't you feel inadequate

about how much work we are doing with this and you're not? Get out of my life! Unfollowed! So you see those pictures and you think all those people are stupid and then you go, oh crap, I gotta do mine tonight. Yeah. Oh man. And mine just turns really into, it's Where's Waldo? Where they can

wake up and they have to find him. Nice! See, that's fine. That wouldn't bother me because I'd just go and I'll throw him a pie somewhere and go to bed. You don't have to make an elaborate scene. And the wife gets so mad at me. I'm like, they're playing video games again. Here they are. Oh, my gosh. All right, Mike, you get another pick.

All right. Man, there get another pick. All right. Man, there's so many good ones. I feel like I'm just polarizing and pushing so many people away from the show right now. This is the Grinch draft for sure. It is. All right. Like what? We got four picks each, so we got 12 different ways we can crush somebody's

heart in this draft with things that they grew up with that's the thing about tradition some people grew up with them and they're just traditions because you've done it every year yeah it is all right uh i'm between man i'm between two of two of them, and I loathe both of them so much. All right, whatever. Here we go. Here we go. This is Joe's fault, by the way. Yes.

Joe from the website came up with this draft idea. Joe, this is your fault, my man. But go on, Mike. Look, Christmas time, decorating your house, the outside of the house, it's magical. It's a winter wonderland walk. You go look what everyone has done to their house, their lights. I mean, a lot of work. Some people put in crazy amounts of work.

We have a singing house in our neighborhood, as it's called, because it's all synced up. And they have lights that I can't imagine living on the opposite side of the street from this house. You know the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is getting blasted by the chicken restaurant? Kentucky Fried Chicken, yeah. Yeah, that house exists in my neighborhood, but that's all good stuff. What is not good stuff? Dressing up your car. You're putting not good stuff dressing up your car you're putting it you're putting the reindeer antlers on your car you're putting the bow on the front of your car get that

you don't like it get that crap out of my life you look like a fool you look like a hooligan like i have so much christmas spirit my car is in the festive get out of here get out of here with that because it is nonsense that really surprises me i mean you're a christmas guy you're a tree up early decorations outside decorations everywhere but not the car oh i know i'm putting some antlers on your car next time i find it mike you oh for sure you're gonna get an antler in the butt wait his car you're talking about Rudolph? Yeah. He'll have a red nose soon.

Oh, my goodness. I did not see that coming. Very interesting. Oh, it's one of those. It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't matter at all. Everyone can do whatever they want, but I see him, I go, you're stupid. I don't like it.

All right. All right. I am back up. Okay. I feel like... It's tough to get it going, but once you get it out, it's cathartic.

Well, look, the one I was thinking about going with, you guys kind of brought it up with greeting cards, so I'm a little afraid that it's part of the greeting card thing that you guys were talking about. So I will go little afraid that it's part of the greeting card thing that you guys were talking about. So I will go.

Look. All right. I'm going to go a different direction. I'm going to set up a different direction here. So I know there are a lot of them. I'm going to go with the. It's funny because it's kind of correlated to the never-ending holiday sales events oh it's on my list the never-ending holiday sales events combined with the mental picture of the husband or wife in their super modern 10.7 million dollar

home oh on the car commercials wrapping Wrapping up the car. The car is wrapped up for Christmas morning. You know that car. It's a luxury vehicle. And after they have got done with their automated house, they go outside and give each other each a luxury car because of the holiday sales event. Look, it couldn't be possible. If it wasn't for a holiday sales event that is available from now, I think probably August through the end of the year, it's the best deal you could possibly get.

Get down here right now. What's wild about those commercials and good, be giving. Give to your spouse. Surprise them. I love, oh man, I love me a present. But the idea of one of us going out without talking to the other person involved in the finances and just be like, oh, yeah, I just dropped 200K on cars. I didn't talk to you about it, but surprise. That's how rich they are. They didn't notice.

You don't drop 200K on it. You just go into debt my my man you just take a take a huge chunk of credit out they need to combine that holiday sales event with a loan company they should co-op the same commercial like i get be like yeah babe i i bought you a kia and then you're like okay you you made a financially responsible decision. You bought a budget car. It's a good car. That's fine. But these people, they're buying, I bought a 95K Mercedes Benz for you.

Surprise. And one for me. My dad once bought himself a truck on his own birthday without telling my mom. And that didn't work. But that's at least just one car. I gave myself. that's what the holiday commercial needs the guy walking out he wrapped it for himself he opens it for himself all right so i think the holiday sales events they get a little bit over the top the commercials

yeah i have you know they're not that good deals no i i on my list was extended black friday deals for a month like right now you know i i've seen a million commercials targets doing the whole, like all month long in November is black Friday. It's like, no, it's not that day used to be actual absurd deals. Like I remember way back in the day, I was a manager at a best buy. We would lose so much money on that day because things would be sold for half of the cost and now it's like no they just use the the name and they why would they do that to because it because it brought so many people in to the stores and so they would they would try

to make money on all the other stuff we would be selling accessories and other things but all the big ticket items you'd lose money on so um yeah the whole like oh every day is a great sale means that there's never a sale yeah all right i'm on the clock i got two here right well we've been talking a lot about we've been talking a lot about christmas i'm gonna go with a different holiday okay um and you know some people would argue that the holiday itself is a stupid tradition. Thanksgiving? No. I know, you know, there was a period in my life where I probably thought that,

but I think we can all agree that even when we love Valentine's, the stupid conversation hearts tradition of those candies that will break candy break your teeth chalk chalk the chalk chalk rocks is what they should be called morsels of chalk chalk rocks i mean it's like oh look we found these rocks outside put some words on it and give it to someone to eat why are we doing this and then and then our kids give it to other kids at school and they love them because it says a word on it. That's the dumbest tradition. Just get rid of that. There's delicious candy that we can write words on. Sure.

Right. It doesn't have to be chalk. You don't have to give people chalk. I mean, look, at least not everybody likes jelly beans, but at least you can eat them. Like, write a little word on that. Not everybody likes jelly beans, but at least you can eat them. Like, write a little word on that. Now, the nice thing is with it being chalk is you can write words with it on a chalkboard.

I think that's how it happened. I think that the chalk company came under tough times when all the school budgets started getting cut. And they have to figure out what are we going to do with all this chalk? Write a word on it quick. They'll eat it if they write a word on it. People are moving to dry erase markers. What do do feed it to them all right so i've got uh i guess i'm i've got food to start i hate fruit cake i hate candy hearts uh so i probably shouldn't go with another food one here or should you or should i but i'm gonna go i'm gonna go back to the big event uh back to christmas all right and i i

think one thing that is really stupid and it is a long-standing tradition that i've never understood is dumb it costs you money and then it takes up space in a closet for a year is the whole ugly sweaters christmas what you don't like the ugly sweaters? Why the heck would I want an ugly sweater? Why would you want just this horrific thing? I like them. I like them. Oh, you guys are bought in. You're bought in to the man selling ugly sweaters

trying to fool people on how can we make more money. Well, what if we say that you should buy ugly sweaters? Because here's the thing. They were selling sweaters and they're like everybody has one already with nobody else needs a sweater what if we made it nobody has ugly horrific looking sweaters what if we told them they want one what happened was they were making them and then people stopped buying them because they were ugly they were hideous and then they said we need to rebrand so now it is it's ironic that you're wearing a christmas sweater because you are aware that what you are wearing on your body is actually super ugly.

And it's fun. It's a gag. It's a gag. It's hilarious. Here's why I don't like it. Are you ready? Sure. Because if you're wearing it and you think, oh, look at me, it's ugly, you're stupid and you're not funny.

That's my problem with it. It's like what you think when you see the car. It's not actually, you're not funny. You're not ironic. You're not hip. You're just dumb wearing it. The person driving the car that has the big bow on the front of it, they are wearing an ugly Christmas sweater.

These are the same people. They are the same people for sure. All right. I'm going to go with a different holiday too for the sake of mixing it up. And look, I'm not a young man anymore. I'm in my mid-30s. I've got kids. I've got a life. I need I'm in my mid-30s. I've got kids. I've got a life.

I need my sleep. I know what is coming. No, I don't know if you do. I'm going to midnight fireworks on New Year's. I knew it was coming, man. Because I'm old and I hate them too. I'm asleep by the time those things are going off. I don't wait up for New Year's.

What are we talking about? And then I don't wait up for New Year's. What are we talking about? And then I get woken up for half an hour. Look, if you want to shoot them off right at New Year's, that's fine. Why do they go for another 45 minutes? It's already been New Year's. What is the 4 a.m. M-80? Yeah, man. It's not even pretty.

It's New Year's somewhere else. Check it out. It's super loud. I love New Year's fireworks. You curmudgeon-y old men. I guess it's because I somewhere else check it out it's super loud i love new year's fireworks i guess it's because i stay up late you guys you guys are in bed usually i'm always darn right i got a busy new year's coming up i need to get my rest but think about this think about this right now when we're recording this who knows what year it is when you're listening but we are nearing the end of 2020.

And I'm sure you're either in it or you can remember it. And the fireworks will be a glorious symbolic gesture of hallelujah. We are no longer in 2020. That's a fair point. I might omit this tradition hatred for one year, but otherwise I am a curmudgeon with the midnight fireworks. All right. Now, I don't know how to label this as a tradition.

Yeah, because it's not like a tradition that you celebrate, but it's a thing that happens as you as you get older you get married and you have so whatever i'm just going to call it the mandatory multiple celebrations and because i've got my set of i've got my set of parents my wife has her set of parents they have their own family stuff. My parents have their family stuff. And everyone's like... What about your extended family, Mike?

Yeah. And then I have my extended family. It's like we've got our traditions that we've got to do. What about the work party? Now instead of me just having a nice day with my family, now I'm driving all over the valley because i have to go to multiple christmas things and by the end of it you're like i don't even like christmas anymore what is what is happening with it 2020 tried to solve this for you mike i know look they did a great

job for thanksgiving i'm not gonna lie about that it. It was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. I completely agree with you. In fact, if I were to actually say what is the genuine one-on-one, the one that is the worst, it is the innumerable obligation parties. That's on my list. And that's what I mean, but you have to do it. You're obligated to do it. You got to go to this school party, and then you got to go to a work party, and then you got to go to this school party and then you got to go to a work party and then you got to go to your, you know, multiple different families parties. And it's like it's not it's not that you don't love any of those people. It's just that when the 19th, 20th, 23rd, 26th, 24th, 27th all have events on your calendar where it's like, ah, we've got to get this. We've got to get everything prepped and dressed.

And oh, that is the worst part of the holidays is the obligations okay okay that's a that's a good point i hadn't thought about that uh sometimes you just want to you just want to sip some hot cocoa and relax right exactly i mean like look we we've all been up till 4 a.m. getting ready for the big day. I don't have the energy to be staying out till 9 o'clock the next night. That was one of the benefits of having a small baby for those parties is you could leave real early. It was like, ah, I got to get the baby to bed.

No, I'd love to be here. I'd love to be here all night. You just walked in. Yeah. Yeah. Baby. All right, you got another pick. I do.

All right, I'm going pick. I do. All right. I'm going to close this one down. Oh, I'm a curmudgeon. All right. Yeah, this has been real. We need, like, best holiday traditions mixed in. Because I love Christmas so much. I know.

And this is very 2020, it's perfect this one this is a struggle for me because look it has its time it has its place i am a musician i love music i love christmas music but but bro christmas caroling yeah what what is the deal yeah with christmas caroling what is the deal with Christmas caroling and I was forced to be a part of this as a child the entire Wright family we would go we would do door to door caroling

and I can't imagine being the grown up who's like who's ringing my door on Christmas Eve or Christmas what is happening who is ringing my door on Christmas Eve or Christmas? What is happening? Who is this? And you open the door, and then there's just a giant family all singing at me.

What do you do? Now what do I do? I stand in that doorway with a big fake smile on my face going, when are you going to stop singing? What do you say when it's over? Thank you very much. Do you give them money? Do you give them a tip just slowly close the door what if they go into song number two when they're no and then they launch into like the 12 days of christmas the the song that should not be

should never have existed that is the worst christmas carol of all time but look I've been a part of it and I apologize in front of all family people listening to the show everyone I apologize for me participating in door-to-door caroling I was forced into it and I look when Charles Dickens was alive yeah whatever whenever that was hundreds of years ago they didn't have TVs was, hundreds of years ago, they didn't have TVs. They didn't have audio systems. They didn't have records. They didn't have CDs. They didn't have MP3s.

You could only hear music live. That doesn't exist anymore. I want to hear Holly Jolly Christmas. Hey, Alexa, play Holly Jolly Christmas. holly jolly christmas ah hey alexa play holly jolly christmas i don't need your garbage family coming up singing your all off pitch get out of here i don't want to see you oh yeah you don't need your netflix episode interrupted by the neighbors down the street telling you singing you a song you don't want to hear it's this is this is not holiday but it's funny how when you're a kid

the doorbell rings. It's like the most exciting thing in the world. As an adult, now every time I hear the doorbell, I go, oh, please be a package. Please just be a package. I can't handle if someone's at my door right now. I'm going to give you my final pick here.

Many to choose from, but I'm going to go with the only one that makes 10 to 15 people all simultaneously burn and set on fire $25 each. And that is the white elephant gift exchanges. Oh my gosh. Christmas. They're so bad. It's getting 10 to 15 people to buy and exchange junk with one another

that nobody possibly needs or wants there's always one kind of good gift that all the people wish they were the ones that got that everybody else got junk you got a sweater the wrong size you got a set of holiday mugs that you're never going to use you uh i know that they can be funny and sometimes the gag ones are all right but all in all you're burnt it's it's like putting the greeting cards one on overdrive you're just burning up twenty dollars from it would you like give me twenty dollars let me rip it up for you you give me twenty dollars i'll rip it up for you so I am going to go with white elephant exchanges and you play the game and then at the end of the night

when everyone's leaving people like does anybody want any of this that's right can I leave it here I don't want to take it home except for the one gift except for the one gift that caused a fight between friends because they actually stole it.

Well, it's because everybody was told it's a $20 budget, but one friend bought it something for $100. And that item got in there. Yeah, Michael Scott. I love you this many dollars worth. That's right. That's right. All right. Am I the last pick here?

You are. You get to close it down. So I can't believe my I just assume Mike was waiting for his last pick to pick like the april fool's day gags that he hates so much but you didn't get it mike it's not on your poll and i will of course uh not draft that because that's one of the best um i don't consider that a holiday oh so he by not choosing it he insulted the not holiday even more yeah that's but it was a great point i should have thought of that and taken that because not choosing it, he insulted the not holiday even more. Yeah, that's fair. But it was a great point. I should have thought of that and taken that because that's the stupidest.

That's fair. If we're talking stupid things that are just dumb, you know, like there's always the little quirks about certain holidays. The mistletoe. Now, that's great. That's great. That is not dumb. But the pinching, the pinching on saint patrick's day how did that happen why do i i don't own a green thing to

wear and i don't want to go buy a green thing to not get pinched by strangers to just go around and be like oh who's pinching me i don't even here's the here's maybe in uh you know different different cities or areas or friend groups or uh cultures whatever St. Patrick's Day is this huge thing to you I don't ever know when it's St. Patrick's Day I wake up and it's apparently St. Patrick's Day I think so 17th of March I think there you go I find out that it's St. Patrick's Day when I get pinched every 17th of March apparently I think. There you go. I find out that it's St. Patrick's Day when I get pinched every 17th of March, apparently, because I didn't wear green because that's just not in my normal wardrobe. I will say this.

I enjoy pinching my children, though, once I find out. Right. So, yeah. And so they will grow up and hate it as well. Okay. All right. That's a pretty good one. So several bad holiday traditions there.

I'm sure that there are some others others on my list i i wrote mistletoe with a question mark i i haven't you know that seems a little old right green bean casserole on thanksgiving was on there too get that get that out of my life i had like i just had overall fancy dinners i had sitting on sansa's lap as one to consider as well okay you know one that is is is quickly it's a great tradition that's quickly becoming really disgusting is the whole blowing out of candles you know on on the cake that everyone's about to eat and then you see the slow-mo videos and you find out what's actually going on you're like you know what that is a

horrifically bad tradition to to spit on this cake and then cut it up and everybody gets a slice. Do you have to do... New birthday... You have to do some testing before you get to blow the candles out. You got to do a few rapid tests before you blow the candles out. The other one, I didn't say it because it's kind of wrapped into greeting cards when you guys brought up why you don't like

them, but it is the Christmas family newsletter that you get that's like... Oh, that's one and the same to me. It you get that's like oh that's one of the same to me it's everything that's great about your friends kids and so much look you want to tell me a one sentence line i want to know about your family but it's on social media i don't need to see the resume like they might as well include full resumes for all the children of all their accomplishments and everything they've ever done. Five paragraph essay. He was on the gymnastics

team and he did a great triple jump. Did your kid land on the moon? You can email me if that's the case. Those two. The last one that I would throw out, I didn't want to draft it because I feel like it would upset people because it is a great

time, but I actually hate it is carving pumpkins. Oh, that's the stupidest. It's so dumb. It's really messy. I'm out. I'm out of gargantuan mess carving this pumpkin to let's be honest. At the end, my pumpkin looks stupid. I'm no great carving expert.

It just looks like a dumb. I thought I was going to make a real good one this year. It looks stupid. It's not scary. It's not funny. It's just kind of like it's, you know, got a problem at birth. And then three days later, it feels like you've got this rotting, smelly, smelly, awful thing on your on your porch where if you don't get it in the garbage quick enough like even this last year we were pretty quick it was like the next day but we had it out like four days early oh i go to i go to pick this pumpkin up and my fingers start sinking no thank you yeah flies flies surrounding it no thanks. We've got the technology. We can 3D print our pumpkins now.

We don't need to be carving out and pulling the guts out of them. All right, that'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Thank you for tuning in. For a minute there, I... What did you learn today? That Al is unbeatable. Al is unbeatable. That's what I learned today.

Oh, okay. Jay, did you learn anything? I learned that, yes, I did. I learned that illegible handwriting belongs in house. Griffonage! I learned that apparently I should be working on becoming a professional bowler. Yeah, no doubt about it. And the truth is, I guess I learned that Pluto fact, too.

Dang it. All right. That's Bitballerspot on Twitter learned that Pluto fact, too. Dang it. All right. Add SpitballersPod on Twitter. Thanks for listening. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to,

check out SpitballersPod.com.