Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Backup Blood & A Brand Mascot Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Spit Hit for Sept 12th, 2024: On this episode, find out what hypothetical situation has us searching for the bathroom in our own house and singing to our cell phones. We also discuss never sweating again and arguing with our vehicles. Then we draft brand mascots to fight each other to the death. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Ding dong, bing bongong hey now brown cow banana. Sometimes confidence is all you need. Welcome in. Excited to be here. I got to end on a banana.

That was pretty good. Yeah. Always can go with the fruit if you don't. Don't slip. Yeah. You could. I do you need a solid? ending Vegetables don't work as well. Oh Yeah, I've tried it before in private. Okay a cucumber now see what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, it's parsley

No, it doesn't work. All right. Welcome into the spitballers a strawberry you could you get in on that Good give it a go. That's a lot of syllables, Jason. I mean, give it a try. Welcome in, one and all. Would you rather? That's a great question. In a battle royale draft today, I'm going to wait a moment to tell you what it is in case you didn't read the description on the episode. But it's a secret. We're here. We're battling once again in the draft and we have some good questions for today's show. How are you gentlemen doing. Sorry. I'm doing well but sometimes Al comes in with with really good insights. I disagree. And this one was you. You were claiming that strawberry is too many syllables

but you went with banana. Yeah banana. It flows strawberry. That's stupid. Well, if you say it like that, how would you do it? Strawberry. No, no. I like sing song it strawberry. That's not bad.

Seems pretty easy. Maybe I don't know. Banana feels like it's got three exclamation points on the end of it because they're all at but I guess it's but I guesslamation points on the end of it. Because they're all ah. But, or I guess it's but, but, nana. I'm just saying. You get the double nana in there. Some fruits have a better flow.

It's a common, I mean, everybody knows this. But syllables is not what I should have gone with, I guess. Correct. Thank you. Now we're an accurate podcast. Corrected. Let's get it going. ["Would You Rather?" by The Capsule Band plays in background.] podcast. Correct it. Uh let's get it going.

Would you rather? I would. Uh alright, Luke from the website. Would you rather live in a house that completely changes its layout every two hours? Oh man. Where's the freaking bathroom? That there's something exciting about that. Or live in a house that is only lit by perpetual candles that never burn out. So wait. So you're back into the.

What does perpetual mean? Just forever. Yeah. That's what it means? Yes. Also like. Perpetual motion. In Harry Potter, they go into the Great Hall

and there's the candles that are floating there and they're just. Perpetually. Yeah. And if they. In in perpetuity if those candles had gone out in Harry Potter There would have been constant dripping of wax down on the children that you ever think about that Yeah, not thought about that. That is a real danger. That's a hazard I mean if those could burn out eating breakfast in the morning candlelight and then Wax everywhere. It's not even if they burn out. It's just if they were not magic,

if they were only floating candles, just floating candles, they would be dripping so much wax. They'd be eating wax. Their arms would just be just scarred by wax. So many shrieks during lunch. I mean, if you had, you can't make me eat here. You can't make me in the great hall! I think people like candles. Oh yeah. And they put them up now as a novelty and the real problem is that they do go out and they can burn your house down. And they're not very bright. Yeah. But if you had enough perpetual candles, wouldn't they? No. Not bright enough? No. You're gonna have... What about an LED candle?

You're gonna be vibing. I mean non-stop vibes, set in the mood, but if you're gonna have what about an LED? You're gonna be vibing. I mean non-stop vibes set in the mood, but if you're trying to you know read Yeah, that's why there is a phrase read by candlelight because it's nearly impossible But they didn't most books in the world get written by candlelight. I think they wrote them in the date Okay, they wrote them by the sunlight. They were daytime books Wait, they had the Sun back there? The perpetual sun If the house changed this layout now here's genuinely what matters to me on this one is simple is The layout entirely random or is it like going through some like sweet interior design AI?

Because if I'm getting a new layout, but it's nice That could be exciting to me although I will be tripping and falling and Stubbing my toe and all of that would there be excitement like you wake up in the morning and you don't know what's outside You're gonna tinkle your door. I mean you you you go and you open the bathroom layout changes to absolutely whole house there may not be a bathroom there toilets moving all over the place. I think we got to at least have a bathroom. You might open that door and your daughter's sleeping in there. Oh because it could be her bedroom. Yeah. Could be the kitchen. So wait do I potentially wake up in a different room myself. I don't think so. That's the

way out of the room change. You'll wake up in your... How can my daughter be moved? You'll wake up in your bedroom, but it might be in a different place than it was when you went to sleep. That's what I mean. Well, if your daughter was asleep in her room, she moved along with her room. Yes. The layout changes. Oh, so you're looking at it from the room. I'm looking at it from the furniture. I see what you're doing. Yeah, they're not doing a rearranging of the furniture. Oh, that's not what it is?

No, the layout of the home changes. The hallways, the kitchen. I was only thinking furniture. I was doing both. If I'm just, if the rooms are all the same, but they're just moved around, that's dumb. I think that's the point. I don't want that.

I mean, imagine you could wake up and you just have a really, really long house that's just rooms, room to room to room. Here's one of the hallways. I had a house like that. Did you? Yeah, for sure. A tube house?

I had a tube house. It was built in the 70s and then they added onto it, but they just kept, it was like once upon a time, a small house. We need more tubes. And then they were like, well, I don't want a small house. I want a big house. They want a long house.

So they just kept building rooms on, and it really was like, in a row there were rooms that you had to get to by going through another room. No. Yeah. For real. I actually saw, how was it allowed? This is almost an is this real life thing,

but I saw a picture of a city. It was like in Switzerland or something, but the whole principle of the city was that everybody lives on the same single street and That seems like a bad idea It's like ten thousand people or something on one street street and every house don't play soccer in every house is Narrowly placed on its plot because then you can fit them in a row and they go back like that They're long and they get built long ways

They're long and they get built long ways So bizarre town where all six thousand residents live on the same street it is in Wait, according to CSO Poland. So maybe it's in Poland. What is this town? Switzerland Poland. What's the difference? I mean to us not very much. Yes. I got the picture of it and obviously I'm gonna send it through the podcast here Beep boop What is this? It's real who did this I got the picture of it and obviously I'm gonna send it through the podcast here. Beep boop. See? What is this? It's real. Who did this?

What? I'm looking at, I mean, look. This is a funny goof. You might need to pause this podcast and just go Google these pictures. This was built. On purpose. What if you live at the end? I mean that's the dream maybe.

Is it? No. No one's driving by you. But the commute to I mean, that's the dream maybe. Is it? No. No one's driving by you. But the commute to get home. That's true. I mean, how many houses away does it, like your knowledge of what's going on over there just stop? Is it like 50 houses down? I'm never going over there.

That's too far. It's way before 50. You've got to admit, it looks amazing though, right? I mean it looks wild. And what do they do if one guy's like, no, I'm building this, I'm building over here. Do they, I mean, they kick them out. I mean, have they, they've never heard of a cul-de-sac? Everyone wants to live on the cul-de-sac.

I'm just super concerned about traffic. That would be- Yes. I mean, you've got 6,000 people that live on this street. Yeah, but how is traffic, how could it possibly be be bad because one accident and this town is shut down on that part is true How it's bad, but you're not actually going to any of these other houses Just driving by him a bad thing is let's say you live in the middle just in the middle. Okay, that means there are 3,000 people on your street that have to come home every day. No, that's true. I mean that's insane thousand people on your street that have to come home every day.

No, that's true. I mean, that's insane. Yeah, I mean, so look, so to answer the original question, I would not want to live in Poland on this long street. The quotes coming out of it are they're very in favor of it. The only reason it popped into my head is because I feel like if you wanted to expand your house, you can't go left and right. You got to go Stockholm. You got to go long.

These backyards. Because they're in Stockholm. They're very close to you. So anyways, we're back to the question. The candlelight, I like the mood, I'm going with that one. Yeah, I actually think the candlelight could be pretty cool. I mean, I don't read, so that checks. It's not just reading.

Your house is so. It's only nighttime that matters. But it's gonna be so dim. No,'s something I'm talking about at night yeah but at night in the in the winter when the Sun goes down at 5 p.m. how much do you keep your lights on at night Mike when you go don't you watch TV at night I go into the kitchen at night like I said in the winter if you're eating at 6 p.m. and you're trying to cook is it's gonna be super dark. Real important question here.

When I open my refrigerator. I was thinking the same thing. Is there a light in there? Nope, it's a candle. But there is a candle in there. There is a candle in there. Oh wait, maybe not, I don't know. Do people.

No, you'd be holding one. Yeah, you'd have a hat where a tree's down over your face. Yes, you do. And your old pajamas. And I hold the thing that looks like Aladdin's lamp that has the candle and I carry that around. See, this is now the biggest problem is I want to see the food in my refrigerator. You don't need to see it.

You'll grab whatever's in there. Mystery box. Hmm. You're probably right. All right. That's my answer, candle. I'm going to take the candles too. I want to be able to go to the bathroom

Where I want to go You want to be able to find it? Yeah That's be able to be like I I need to go to the bathroom and I and it's right there every day You'd be searching for your bathroom when you got to go and not just once because I don't it's every two hours every two hours So every time every time you have to go to the bathroom, it's usually at least a two-hour gap It's an actual hunt for a toilet every time every single to go to the bathroom, it's usually at least a two hour gap. It's an actual hunt for a toilet every time. Every single time. When you have the guest over and because every single- Where's the restroom? Where's the bathroom? I don't know. I have no idea. Why don't you go find it? Just explore. And that's another huge problem. Like I don't,

you know, when we have guests over, right? We're usually, we're cleaning feverishly to get the house good, which means every, every last ounce of clutter just gets thrown in our bedroom. And that door might as well be locked, sealed, shut, closed up and boarded, you know, is off limits. You cannot go there. But in this world, it'd be like, you might open a door, find it, the front door might be right to my master bedroom. All have to be in my house at all times. You're gonna be opening doors left and

right just looking for everything that can't happen. Imagine having a bathroom time and then you know where you're running back and forth and then the switch happens. Oh no. In between runs. And also you're not getting away with not locking the door on the bathroom, because everyone here, they've got to open every door. They don't know that that's the bathroom. There will be times you start going to the bathroom, and when you open the door to leave the bathroom,

you're in a different place. It's true. I guess I'm taking the candles. Because that's just, that's too difficult. All right, Daniel from the website. Would you rather be told you are stronger than you look or that you look stronger than you are? At first I was like oh that's really nice but then that's really not nice. You're stronger than you look. It's a backhanded compliment. No stronger than

you look is definitely saying you don't look strong. Right, yes. Or you could look strong, but then you could be able to do something that an even stronger person could do. Or that you look stronger than you are. Clearly my answer to this is, regardless of each one I would pick, I don't want to be doing a lot of physical labor in general. Therefore, I would rather look strong and avoid. But you'll be asked to do things.

But I will avoid it. And then you have to tell them, I'm actually weak. Easy. My back hurts or something. You know what I mean? Or I'll pay for someone to do that for you. The other one is. Sounds like you're.

The other one you're gonna have to volunteer to do heavy things all the time just to prove that you're strong. It seems actually like you have already volunteered. These people are figuring out this information based upon your performance. So they're saying, oh, you know, when you're helping them move and you're really struggling with your side of the couch, they're going to say, oh, you look stronger than that. I was going to say, it really would be more shameful of a feeling if you look all yoked out

and then they ask you to carry a simple box of something and you are struggling with it. That is more shameful than the other one. The other one, you're just impressing them. Well now, again, this is not necessarily saying that you are weak and don't look, you know, this is what people are assuming about you. You don't have super strength, but you look not weak. Right, you know, this is what people are assuming about you, you don't have super strength,

but you look not weak. Right, you're still regular. This is just, what do you think is nicer to hear? Stronger than you look, for sure. Let me try it out on you. Yeah, go for it. Okay, you just did something, and I'm gonna tell you, you are stronger than you look.

We don't have to try this out, but yeah, thank you, thank you, I appreciate that. Okay, or, oh, you look stronger than you look. We don't have to try this out, but yeah, thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. Okay, or, oh you look stronger than you are. That's why I said we don't have to try. Oh yeah, you don't have to try. You have to try, get out was proof. The proof was in the pudding. The trying, you.

I'm so glad we tried it. I wouldn't have got it. That is a sick burn. That's as sick as it gets. You need to keep that in your back pocket. If you ever want to get someone, she's like, Oh man, you look stronger than you are. Cause it is so backhanded. You're straight up saying what a weakling. But you are saying they look strong.

Oh man. You look stronger than you are. So is that what you were doing with the push up thing without? Uh, no, I think he was getting the opposite, right? I think Owl is stronger than he looks. All right. Well, I think we know what we're doing there. Benjamin. Oh, man. Benjamin from Patreon. Join the Spit.com, supporting the show.

He has a question. Would you rather have a cell phone that never runs out of battery but can only make and receive calls and texts? All right, so you have a cell phone that never runs out of battery, but can only make and receive calls and texts. Alright, so you have a dumb phone. Or you have a fully featured smartphone. I mean, don't they call that just a Nokia? Like back in the day? Or have a fully featured smartphone that has a battery that lasts 10 minutes per charge.

This part's ridiculous, but can be fully recharged By quiet quietly singing rockabye baby to it Okay, I thought we were good at the 10 minutes per charge yeah, but I can quick And you'd be doing that all day I would be it's got a really trying not to use phone, because I don't want to do that very often. 10 minutes is nothing. It's nothing. 10 minutes is unusable. I'm now picturing you have to, like you're trying.

Do you have to rock it too? No, but you have to sing to it, and if someone stumbles upon you, as you're singing quietly, rock upa-bye baby into your phone. And I'm gonna put it in there. You have to sing it straight through. If you stop in the middle, you gotta start over to recharge that battery.

So if someone catches you singing it. Yeah, like I know the whole song. Oh, come on. Rock-a-bye baby in. Let's hear it. Okay, hold on. All right, let me try. Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the bow breaks the cradle will drop. Yes. That's all I know I don't know. I thought it was when the wind blows. When the wind blows. Oh, okay. So no, I don't know. When the wind blows the cradle will rock When the bow breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all The cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all My phone's charged My phone is dead Which also He's singing all these crazy lyrics in the corner of the room Why won't you charge? He can't charge the phone

He's just singing different songs Thank you for highlighting my point I'd be like singing crazy Mary had a little lamb Why do we sing this song to children? These are just not important questions I'm saying where you're singing this lullaby hey let me sing you all in the cadence man I know but I'm

singing a song for you for my my precious sweet baby to fall asleep because it might fall out of a tree well and die look I got bad news for you two gentlemen oh no is there there's more there are more verse yeah but no one knows the second it's like Yankee Do are more verses. Yeah, but no one knows the second. It's like Yankee Doodle. There's a second verse and no one knows that. If you can nail the second verse, do you get like 20 minutes on the phone? Can either of you even muster up a word of the next? So this is after the baby has fallen from the tree of which we placed it in a cradle. Yeah, down will come baby, cradle and all. Rockabye baby, gently you swing, over the cradle mother will sing how nice

Sweet is the lullaby in the tree to over your nest that tenderly sings my baby to rest I don't know these birds are these birds probably well. They don't cradles That's fair, but they're just calling their nest a cry from the roof. Oh, there's more down to the sea just calling their nest a cradle. High from the rooftops, down to the sea. No one's as dear as baby to me. We little hands, eyes shiny and bright, now sound asleep until morning light. Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top. When the bough blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall fall and down will come baby cradle and all okay So we're at a re we're at a re yeah. Yeah What those those other two verses are nice?

Yeah, why are we singing about the cradle falling and crashing to this doom you want to know why we did that Mike It's because the world was a harsh Terrible place a long time ago is getting them all of our songs were about prepping them up I think it's my number one go-to song for my entire life from my own dad To my kids that is still the go-to is you are my son. Oh, that's not a good song and it's not oh no Don't don't ruin it for me But like I'm just saying the end of that song is like the lyrics get They go to a dark place.

What I'm saying like, you are my sunshine, but the end of it is like, don't take my sunshine away. Yeah, no, you should keep going. And I'm just like, I'm thinking that's telling them that the world's a tough place. The Civil Wars did a version of that song. It was beautiful, and you're like, oh. I don't need none of this. I don't need you pooping on my song, Mike and you're like, oh, I don't I don't need no interesting

I don't need you pooping on my song. I'm not I'm just You'll never know how much I love you right now As I lay sleeping, oh no the second line the end of that is not good you in my arms when I awoke dear I was mistaken. So I hung my head and I cried. This is not sunshine No, I don't I'm almost tearing up with that second one. I tried to tell you. Did we lose ourself again on this question? The cell phone that never runs out of battery

and can only do calls and text. Oh yeah, the cell phone. That one's better for my life, that's my answer. Yeah, I'm going to get off of stupid games that you match colors together. Oh, you're taking the dumb phone? I'm taking the dumb phone. I'm taking the-

What would you do? What would I do if I- On the couch without Candy Crush or Reels or TikTok or whatever. What would you do? Would you be getting out the paper? No, if Jason goes to the bathroom with a dumb phone, you will have so many text

messages. Like you will hear from Jason all the time, you're just gonna get blown up with a full string and pair of guys are like, oh Jason's in the bathroom. Yeah. I still need my time in there. If you had a pie chart, this is important research for the show because this is an important show. You go to the bathroom, you've got a pie chart, and you've got to break that pie chart up into applications utilized while pooping. Okay. Oh, this is interesting. What's the pie look like?

The pie looks like the largest slices are going to be slack. Okay. Underdog fantasy. So sports. Sports. Fantasy football. Fantasy football. Underdog fantasy. So sports, sports, uh, fantasy, fantasy, fantasy football. Um, Sudoku. Okay. These, these are equal slices. I mean, these are about equal slices. Okay. And lately garden scapes. What is that? It's a wonderful children's game. Check it out. I don't know what that is. Yeah. Garden scapes. You know, you win some, you lose some, you

know, an hashtag, not a sponsor, but, um, Oh, it's another color matching. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, uh, honesty is the best policy. Okay. Now let me add social media is in there. I was going to say I left out the the reels and the tick-tock when you play the game In the bathroom, it's the sound on no never never sound on never sound Is that a shame thing? No, it's yes, it's privacy I'm gonna I'm gonna you know, what are you wearing? I sounds really important to those games No, it's a yes, it's privacy. I'm gonna. I'm gonna you know a Sanctuary sounds really important to those games no I'm saying like but the sound on if you're on the couch doing or you just don't even worry about I've never had sound On for any of those really yeah, you should go earbuds. You never go earbuds in the bathroom

Never I gotta go to the bathroom. Hand me my air AirPods. Okay, yeah, I guess that would be, it could be a little gross. All right, shall we move on to the next segment? Let's do it. The layering days are over and it is time to beat the heat with the perfect fit. You wanna look good this summer? You want a custom, tailored,

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Indochino suit. You can find your summer style whether it's timeless and classic or bold and eye-catching. They have an entire line of menswear and women's wear made to fit you. Every suit is made to the exact measurements. You customize every detail. Customize your summer style with Indochino. Go to Indochino.com and use the code BALLERS to get 10% off any purchase of $3.99 or more. That's 10% off at INDOCHINO.COM with the code ballers. That's a great question. Lana from Patreon, if you could replace any single digit of any number in your life with

a different numeric digit of your choice, which digit would you change? And what would you change it to? Amazing question. I didn't get it at first. But you're saying like, you can change your bank balance, you could change your age, you could change your height, you could change your weight, you could change your any number, any number, any consequential, you could change your social. Well, you could disappear if you did that okay? That's fair um So you could change a single digit somewhere in your life

You could change the first digit in your bank account to a nine and so oh Is that how that would work or do you get a change though? Oh, it's just one digit Yeah, oh any single digit I could try don't get a change like. My weight. You know, I could drop. To a nine. From a nine. I could change my weight. I could drop, I think the right amount for me. I could drop 50 pounds in a second.

That would be awesome. If it's just one digit, I'm not tempted to do the bank balance over the age. No, no, you can. Time is money, money is time. If it was more than one digit that would be a bigger question It would you could just add a digit or two it would definitely I I mean in the end Height is tempting weight is tempting bank balance is there if you do height, but it's got to be age if I was height

Yeah, would you change? Oh, I would actually you'd become a giant. I would have a real problem I couldn't do height you guys could you hide because I'm 511 So I would have to go to 7-eleven. I don't want no I don't want to be Tall no, I figured you'd go play in the NBA. No, I don't want to be six You were 811, but if I was to play tomorrow in the NBA if I was six Foot then I could change that to be like six five. That'd be awesome. I'd love to be six four six five. Oh, you're saying you can't throw the needle on the height, right? Cause you're at five 11. Yeah, I can only go down. That'd be the worst. Cause if

in your head you keep thinking you're six foot right now and then you did it and then you end up six 11. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm five 11. I could change one digit. Can I be five 19? Right? I mean, that's just changing one digit. That's five foot 19 inches. I think you have found a way to... I'm going to allow it. I'm going to allow it. Yeah. I'm going to allow the loophole. How tall are you, sir? I am 519. Yeah, that's the hard part is I have to always answer like that. And if you ever say it incorrectly, you shrink. But you've got to... I feel like you have to go age here. So would you go to teenage?

Is that what you would do? Like you go from, what are you, how old are you now? It's gonna create a problem for your family life. I don't know. Oh yeah, you could just ever like. Your wife would be arrested. You're like, your spouse is still gonna be their age, your kids are gonna be their age.

But okay, let's. Technically your body. Let's take. Does your body change? No, your body goes back to be their age. But okay, let's take- Technically your body, does your body change? No, your body goes back to the right age. Let's take age right now and just say what we would change it to. If this question was just age, I'm 41 right now. Yeah, mine's easy, I go to 19. Really?

You go that young? See, I'm wondering if I go to 31. Yeah, because then I'm still an adult, but I just picked up 20 years. I don't know if I go 31 or 21. I go, I'm 40, I think I'd go down to 30. I wouldn't go down to 20. I don't know that I wanna be a little baby boy. For the sake of my family.

Wait, how would that hurt your family? Cause my wife is in her 40s and she would be married to a 20 year old and my youngest is about to turn 14 and she has to explain to people that her father is 20. These are what I would call good reasons, good answers, good answers. But I was just thinking about my own existence.

Yeah, no, if there's no other ramifications, and like, I could just be 20 again, and the rest of the public is just like, oh, that guy had a magic thing, and he turned 20, so everything's cool. Now if you go- Then I'd go to 20. If you go older, then you become older?

Yeah. Is that how that works? Oh yeah. I think I'm gonna go 21. I think I'm gonna go back. It's tough. I think it's a really good debate between 21 and 31. And you're right, the family stuff,

that could get a little weird. But at the same time, I'm getting an extra decade. You argue, but you'm getting an extra decade in a, like- You argue about you're getting an extra decade with your spouse who will eventually pass away much sooner than you. But I'll still be a young man, so at that point- See, I didn't know how to say that. I'ma bounce back, baby. I'ma be okay, because I'll be a young, young man. Honestly-

I'll be a young man. Honestly. I'll be a very desirable bachelor. Honestly, the way that I eat versus the way my wife eats, if I do this and I move back 20 years, we may die together finally. That may be the actual, we may match up on our time. Okay, well. I'm taking days.

See, that's a good point. Al's bringing it up here. Bank balance, you brought it up, but you could change your digit on your salary. That's a good one every single year Yeah, the salary not every single year every single week or or by you're changing your on my paycheck your paycheck Not your yearly the first digit on that paycheck is gonna become a nine every every pay period that's smart Well, you may you may completely bankrupt your company and then they will stop being able to pay you. But, Al, you'd take the money over 10 years of life?

Yeah. All right. Okay. We've found what's important to him. All right. I'm going to live forever. Got it. Because you have so much money.

Let's remember that quote when he's gone throw that in your face at the funeral Sebastian from Twitter if you could never if you could choose to never sweat again oh heck yeah but you could also never swim again would you take it yep yes yes I would sir we're gonna give you a moment to think about it yes in some ways you're always swimming. Yeah So some people this question would be super easy on the other side because they don't sweat like some people sweat I am on the some people that sweat like some people sweat which means a lot I'm actually taking the same one as you I've reached a stage

Maybe it would be different if I moved my digit back to 20. I'm at a stage where I'm very content simply sitting near water, and I don't even need to be in it. Now, we're just for semantics. Swimming is basically like you can't go in a pool. Or the ocean. Yeah, but I'm saying you can't go into a body of water. I'm saying I can't lay on a tube. You can't swim in water, Mike. I can't lay on a tube, because I'm saying like you can't go into a body of water, right? I can't I'm saying like I can't like you can't lay on a tube in water

I can't lay on a tube cuz I'm not swimming I'm just I'm just trying to clarify. I think you can lay in a tube. You just can't swim This is what I'm saying. I don't know what it is But at a certain age, I'm content to have a drink by a pool or by an ocean I no longer have any need to get in these things. Yeah, I'm the same way. I mean, I do enjoy swimming. I love when the summer hits and playing with the kids in the pool, throwing them around, dunking them, showing how much stronger than them I am,

things like that. It's great. You're much stronger than you look. Much, much. But yeah, I mean, when I think about how sweat gets in the way of my life, Mike, I know you're a Peloton guy. You ride your Peloton every day, and that's awesome. When I ride a Peloton, if I do a 15 minute session,

that is at least, that takes at least one full hour out of my day where I have dedicated to that 15 minute. To sweating? To sweating, absolutely, because I can't. Is that proportional? Let's say you extend your ride from 15 minutes to an hour. Dedicated to sweat.

Do you have an hour more sweat? Or do you, because maybe you need to ride more. It's basically like, I've got a 40 minute post-workout window where I will continue to sweat. So once your sweat glands are activated, they have a timer that is longer than average. So a 15 minute ride is dumb for you. Kind of, yeah.

You should really be doing an hour ride if you've got a 40 minute afterwards. Yeah, I mean obviously then it would be. You at least need to sweat as long as you ride. Yes, that would be nice. That would maximize the sweat window, but I would love to be able to feel like I could just go work out real quick

and then move on with my day. I can't do that. I couldn't go to a gym on the way to work. Now, work out and then continue on with my day. Like I am a mess. I am drenched. And so now I've got to go shower after waiting a while to stop sweating

Does this mean that you get to cut down on Bo? Oh, yeah, I think so I mean sweat is a big perpetrator of the body odor. Yeah without the sweat. You're probably you're great That's interesting. So that's that's a new level because for me it was easily Also, you're apparently not allowed according to Al Al, to have tubes, water slides, or in-pool activities. I wanted to double-check, because it's easily I will take the... Lack of sweat? No, no, no.

I want to be able to swim. You're a big swimmer? I love being in the pool. I love being in the ocean when we're actually around it. It's fantastic. What's your best stroke? Doggy paddle. Okay, alright, alright.

It's about the limit. You ever go out there though, like when Michael Phelps was really the thing and then give the backstroke a try or breaststroke? I've tried a backstroke, I've tried the... You tried the butterfly? Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a lot of fun to try Yeah, and fail yeah

Shouting I'm drunk. Do you do that? You do the turn at the end of the pool the flip turn? Oh, yeah, you ever given that a go only if I want my ears full of water All right, are we good to draft Or do you want one more? Let's do one more whatever Whatever you say, Al. All right, Ethan from Twitter, your car can talk now. What's the first argument you have with it? That's a great question. My car can talk. Why are you so hot?

Mm. Are you asking the car that? Yeah. Okay. That would be. I was trying to think, why is the car mad at me? Ah, no, this would... Sweaty butt.

Get your sweaty butt off my seat. I have a real problem with my vehicle not unlatching the hood. When I try to unlatch the hood on my vehicle and I click the open, it does it. It goes... It's unlocked. And it's unlocked. And then I go to lift it up. No, it's not. No, it does it. It goes, chik chik, chup. And it's unlocked. And it's unlocked. And then I go to lift it up. No, it's not.

No, it isn't. And then I'll click open and it goes, chik chik. And then it's not open. I have to be pulling up the hood while hitting the open button and then it will actually pop open. So it's like the game where people are trying to get in and you're hitting unlock,

but they're trying to get in too soon. Yes. And it keeps locking? Exactly. This happens to you regularly? But it's you and your hood. Every single day. See, this brings me joy knowing you have this small,

tiny little minuscule struggle on a daily basis. The other day I went out to the car, I popped the hood, and I clicked the open button, and it went ch-ch-ch, and it opened. Ooh. And I was like, oh my goodness, this is so cool. You had reconciled

with the vehicle. Yeah I mean we had a good we had a date you know. Everything was going well. Made up and then today no not in it. I went out there and tchik tchik. Have you considered abandoning that area of the vehicle to store in maybe another area? Well this goes back to the sweat question because I use that area to put my sweaty workout clothes so that they aren't like in the car. Gotcha, because you have a hatch. Right. Is there a chance the car is trying to not allow those smells out into society?

The conversation back from the car would be, you know exactly why I'm not ever opening this hood. Please! I don't want don't put it in me. You're sweaty 15 pound clothing in my car. In my alright we're drafting. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting brand mascots. It's a battle royale. And if you don't know, we've done a lot of battle royales over the years, and we have previously done a cereal mascot battle royale.

So we are doing brand mascots, but we are taking the cereal options out. and we have previously done a cereal mascot battle royale. So we are doing brand mascots, but we are taking the cereal options out. No Tony the Tiger will be picked today. He would have been a good one. He would, he would have been a good one. So I have the first one, and I'm actually pretty happy to have the first pick

because I think there are some really good brand mascots that you'd want fighting on your team. I have a one on one. I think there's a handful that are pretty good, but there's, there's one that I really want to get out of the way that I think is important to have. And again, if you've, if you've just joined us about a Royal means we're each picking four picks and we're releasing them all into a coliseum to fight each other. And my number one pick is going to be the Jolly Green Giant. Yeah, that was it. That's the one oh one. That was the one oh one. He's a giant. Yeah. And I mean, I mean, he's jolly, so I don't know that he can fight.

I think when push comes to shove, that man gets done. If you take his vegetables away. So he's vegetables, right? And there's some green beans right? It's intimidating to have a giant run at you but even more intimidating from what I understand if they are green. Yes. So if they come running it's like what is that? So I'm going with the Jolly Green Giant which I feel like we should understand the actual brand. I guess it's just it's just canned vegetables. The company's mascot is the Jolly Green Giant from B&G Foods.

He's big. I'm seeing him standing next to some trees. Those trees look like weeds. That's what I that that was what first came to mind was the ints from Lord of the Rings like the big tree people, right? Like they you know, they were slow and lumbering and they would destroy you. Cause they're giants. And this dude's more, he's more like naked but wearing like a tree as an outfit.

Now, is it good or bad branding that everyone, not everyone, but people of our age, we all know who the Jolly Green Giant is. We know he's associated with vegetables but we have no idea what company the Jolly Green Giant, you even said the name of the company. Wait, he did say it? I mean, I think it's Green Giant.

That's the name of the company? That's what all the cans say. I thought you said B&G. Well, B&G Foods, they bring this giant and they put it on everything. So he is the brand. He's the brand, and if you are at a store, this is the point, you're staring at a bunch of corn and green beans.

You pick the one with the jolly green giant on giant approved vegetables. That's right. I would guess he can just throw those cans. Oh yeah. He gets some cans with him. It's like, I don't know if he can, they're going to be too small in his hands. Oh, that's a good point. Try to throw. He's going to have it be like flicking a booger. He could just, which is what it'll be like again. Yeah you guys Yeah, you could you could just drop is that where the camera from is from his nose Oh, he just picks out the cans and then and then you buy them in the store. Oh

Mike you have the second pick in this draft All right battling my giant with so I really hoped I would get Jolly Green Giants but we got to get some strength. And I like to have tanky-like animals. I'm going to take the icy polar bear. Ooh, that's pretty good. This is Coca-Cola? No, this is icy.

Oh, icy? Yeah. I thought you were describing the type of polar bear. He's very cold. He loves the icy weather describing the no no polar bear. He's very cool He loves the icy weather polar bear. Of course, he's cold Well, he's very warm, but his environment is very you've got the I see that that would be the delectable treat at the movie theater Yes, the I see or circle K. I don't do they still sell them there. Yeah. Oh, yeah Alright. Alright. Yeah, the movies have really encroached. They've been a late addition to the IC game.

It used to always be at the gas station. But now I do. I associate IC with the movies now. It didn't used to be that way. Because you used to have, what's the 7-Eleven one? Slurpees. Oh yeah. Alright, so brand mascots. We've got the Jolly Green Giant. We've got the Polar Bear from IC.. And then, Jason, you have two picks. What a treat. I've got a problem here with your guys' size. The Polar Bear is very large. And you have a giant.

And I'm looking at my list here, and I'm seeing a lot of small... I would say the Icy Polar Bear looks underfed, personally. Really? He's a little underfed personally. Really? He's a little underfed. Well, all polar bears are. Which is surprising.

Too high to know what's happening up there. That's another nursery rhyme waiting to happen. Too much sugar in his diet from all those icies. That's all he eats. He is a diabetic polar bear. Man, all right. So I think I'm going to need some size. I am going to go with first Smokey the bear. Oh man I was hoping I was gonna go. I thought it was gonna be back to me. The US Forest Service baby.

That's right. Only you can prevent forest fires and only Smokey can light you on fire. Wait is that what he does? He's an arsonist what yeah He that's surprising he if he takes your fire, and he puts you in it wait It's only you can prevent my fires is that what he says yeah? That's fires if you have a if you have a fire in the forest smokey's come I'm pretty sure smokey gets a shovel. That's what he gets. Oh great Yeah, and so you've got he's gonna put you in the fire smokey the bear. All right, and then I Still feel like I need a little bit of size. I need a little bit of protection. I'm gonna need

If not armor I'm gonna need padding. Oh, no. Yeah, and I'm gonna take the Michelin man Because that was my backup. Yeah. I mean look, these jobs, what's he made out of? He's girthy. I have no idea. Yeah. I think it's like, I think he's the air from within the tires like stacked up with like, but I don't think you can hurt him. Like you can hit him and it's like, can you pop him? I don't think so. And he's not marshmallow. He's's he's a big, you know, he's no look It's a good bag. Who's the big hero six Baymax Baymax. I think you could pop Baymax Yeah, yes, but you can't pop the Michelin man

No, so I got the Michelin man and hey how and what's the psi on the Michelin man? Is he pretty he's 42? Yeah, 42. Okay, very tight Mike. It's back to you and you've just had your two picks stripped from you. This is upsetting and very tilting that I had my plan here Maytag repairman is still on the board Mike all right look I don't know if this I don't know if this character is gonna give me really any firepower but I know that I know there's one I'm on the team there's heart hmm and they will never stop. Oh yeah. Really. Yeah. We'll never stop. They will keep going and going and going and I will take the energizer bunny and look if nothing else is this old timey war right. So you need the the the five player and the drummer.

I got the Energizer Bunny out there banging the drum. The war drums. Until the Jolly Green Giant just steps on him. Possibly. He keeps going and going and quack. OK, is it back to me then? It is. All right, good picks, Jason.

Smokey the Bear, I was hoping we'd get back, it wasn't going to. So I'm going to go with, this guy might not be all there all the time. But he gets a sword. I'm taking Captain Morgan. Oh yeah, that's a good one. And just in case he's stumbling and bumbling across the battlefield, I'm throwing him

on the back of some Budweiser Clydesdales. Oh. The horses are entering the arena, and he's hopping on the back of one of them. Interesting. Oh. Captain Morgan is definitely on my list. Oh, really?

He wasn't on my list. Yeah, Captain Morgan and then the Budweiser Clydesdales. They're big. they're strong. You got a breathalyzer problem over there. A breathalyzer problem, I do. Is that a DUI if you're on the back of a horse? I don't know. I believe it can be, yes.

That's a good question. But not in a fight in the Coliseum. At that point, it's no holds barred, go try to kill each other. All right, sounds good. Crap, I'm already back up. You got it. Alright. For the record Al Borland attempted to spell Clydesdales with a K.

So we're just gonna put that down there. Yeah, yeah. Who would do that? What a dummy. I would. It's a C. Wait were you spelling it like Clydescope? Maybe. OK. All right. So Mike, your team is the polar bear and the energizer bunny. Very animal heavy. Jason, you have Smokey the bear and some. The Michelin man, we don't know what he's made of, but we know he can handle his business. It has to be a great pick.

That's all I know. I've got the jelly green giant Captain Morgan and the Clydesdales. Mike. OK. I've got my next pick. It's a little Amorphous because I've seen this character take form of many different people

I've seen him take form of objects. He's just represented as a human. I will take mayhem from all states Wow, okay, so you just, okay. So you're just causing problems in this arena. What is it? I don't know. I think you might have drafted a texting teenager. Or a roof tile. I don't even know.

Okay, just General Mayhem on your side. But we know there's going to be problems. That's right. And Mayhem will leave unscathed. That also might mean that Mike's team is insured against damage. That's a good point. There's a chance that he is insured if he is indeed killed, which looks likely based on his team.

Wow. All right. The diabetic polar bear. He's got you. As long as he has a pump, he's good to go. OK. OK, so I am back up. And I have just smoke kill us

Smokey the bear and the Michelin man. Yes I feel like I want to finish me. Yes. I want a little bit more Toughness want some bronze. Okay, so bronze. I was some like the Like a metal not like the metal third. Like the brawny man. Oh! I mean. Oh, he's got some muscles. Give me a little bit. A lumberjack? Oh, is that Braun you said? Yes. Oh, I thought he said bronze. I pluralized Braun. Can you not pluralize Braun? No. You have a lot of Braun. So you have the brawny man?

Yes, I have the brawny man. Okay, so any spills, no problem. No problem on the spillage. The quicker picker uppers that brawny. Is that, is that brawny? I think that's bounty. I'm so sorry, paper towels. Oh, I'm looking at the, uh, the brawny man and he's actually, he man and he's actually. He's got the Al Borland flannel on. He's got the plaid. Yeah, he's a lumberjack. Can he move his arms away from this position is the question. In the fight he can.

In photographs that's kind of his natural pose. Okay. And now since I've gone back to back picks here with the man, the Michelin man, and the brawny man man I'm gonna take another but he ain't a dude oh I'm going with the Kool-Aid man because my guy can literally burst through oh yeah yeah you know it's like you think always made of glass I can shatter this you can he can he can burst through a brick wall. How are you breaking

this school aid man? You can't do it. Yeah and the glass is still intact. I mean you really just need to make him stumble though. Like if he falls over. Is that his blood? I'm just saying if he spills. Is he just dying from spills? It has to be his essence right? I don't know. If he spills is he dead? Or can I hydrate my team come drink some of my blood? Yeah does it like does it does it naturally refill? I mean our blood refills right like if you lose a little bit it'll yeah but if we pour out we don't survive right no he can lose a little bit he can't lose all the Kool-Aid okay he can lose a little bit. He can't lose all the Kool-Aid. But he can lose a little bit and he can help the blood sugar of my teammates. Don't tip him over. That's gonna be the key.

No tripping! Mike, you have one final pick. He lives a dangerous life. What if we were open like that? That dude lives on the wild side because if he spills and dies, he should not be jumping through these walls, man. He's like, I know I shouldn't do this, but I gotta try it. Boom! I just can't help myself.

I lived again. What's interesting is I'm looking at pictures of the Kool-Aid man. And not only does he burst through the wall as a giant pitcher, but he is always holding a second pitcher of Kool-Aid. I mean, he's got backup blood. He's got, he's got spills. Could he refill himself? Absolutely. Okay. All right. The Kool-Aid man.

Also great news for all those walls you take down. You want, you want them repaired? You talk to me. I got it. I got my all state. Sure. You do. Thank you. Mike, one final pick for your polar bear, energizer, bunny, and ham team. At this point, I don't think I can overpower anyone. So I just maybe a tip over a pitcher. But I got to go scary. And for a lot of people, there's nothing scarier than a clown.

Oh, Ronald? So I will take skin and bones Ronald McDonald Out there. I'll give him a red balloon and everyone will be terrified Okay, those are some big shoes. Hey kids you want some burgers? I like I I did wonder if anyone was gonna go magic, you know, because magic is very powerful you went magic tricks You like pull pull a squirty flower on his lapel. I feel real good in this draft, Al. I think I'm in good shape. Well, you started with a giant. It's kind

of not fair. Well, I'm finishing with some biceps. Some brawn, as you would say. Some brawns. Is it a bald man? It's a bald man. Mr. Clean Welcome to the team unlike the brawny man who always stands there kind of like, you know What do you call this pose with the two arms? He's always flexing he's mr. Clean him or he's folding his arms. Yeah, he's tough guy Yeah, he does have an earring in his left ear. So mr. Clean is joining the team Can we up?

Can we get mr. Clean both ears? I feel like let's pierce them both at this point. Captain Morgan could take care of that Pierce the other yeah, he can pierce the other ear for sure I also feel like mr. Clean is a bit of a benefit against any mayhem I also feel like mr. Clean is a bit of a benefit against any mayhem Because if that mayhem is just spilling things mr. Clean between the brawny man and mr. Clean We are gonna be wiping up the floors when we are done with this call Yeah, don't worry about the mess. Don't worry about the mess. Our team has got it. All right any Yes, the end of the draft, but are they any? So final like the Chester cheetah Crazy Chester Cheetah, I'm surprised he did not get drafted.

Chester Cheetah is on my list, and... But you went with Ronald McDonald. Yeah, well, again, I explained myself. I have to scare people with scary clowns. And then the only other one I considered was, in fact, the most interesting man in the world. Yeah, OK, the old guy? Yeah, that's the problem.

He's a frail old man? He's not, he's definitely not frail. But he is, he is older, but he knows how to do stuff. He's done a lot in his life. Yeah. He's lived a lot of life. Can he still do it? I don't know. You will get his social security payment every single month. I had Ronald McDonald's friend the Burger King on my list. I don't think they're friends. No, they're enemy They should be fighting and then when we're going magic I had the Travelocity gnomes just for maybe they can that's not gonna help out in a yard. Look I didn't draft them Okay, they shatter very you could have gone

Geico has a couple right caveman oh yeah or the gecko and um i i wanted i stave puffed was made up right yeah that's not a real character he is the brand mascot for a for a fake yeah i'm glad we didn't take him yeah uh any other one i got the michelin man he's stronger is. Is Colonel Sanders in contention? No, he's too old. I did have McGruff the crime dog. Yeah, if you want to get the drugs out of the. Clean this up.

If there's a case that needs to be solved. Look, if Smokey the Bear is starting fires, then McGruff is committing crimes. He's getting into some stuff. All right. What did we learn today? I'll speak on behalf of Al on this one. He learned to spell Clydesdale's with a C. I learned there were more verses to the song

Rockabye Baby. And I learned that you should hold in your back pocket the phrase, you look stronger than you are. That's a really powerful insult. Thank you for joining us on today's Spitballers episode. Tell your friends about the show. We'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye.

Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.