Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Ballin’ With Beasts and Public Pooping - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

Spit Hit for September 16, 2021: We aren’t proud of all the potty humor in this episode, but we aren’t sorry for it either. After all, this is YOUR fault! On today’s episode, we have a couple great poop themed ‘Would You Rather’ questions. Once we flush those, we move on to some more refreshing inquiries during ‘That’s A Great Question!’. Learn a little bit more about the origins of the podcast before we owned our very own Al Borland. We push this episode over the goal line with a draft of animals for our football team. Yeah, it’s as dumb as it sounds. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

When it comes to spit hits, we know what you want, and that's some good old-fashioned clean potty humor. Well, look no further, because today's episode is jam-packed with all the poop and all the pee jokes that you can handle. We tackle some would-you-rather questions, and when we get into the draft, we build a football team out of animals. Stay tuned. Don't miss a moment of these hijinks.

Enjoy the show. Hey, Spitwad, guess what? Your online checking account shouldn't cost you money. That's why Chime, an award-winning app and debit card, has no overdraft fees, no foreign transaction fees, no monthly service fees, no transfer fees. They have over 60,000 fee free in network ATMs, local Walgreens, 7-Eleven, CVS, and more. And listen, it's time to say goodbye to hidden fees. See you later.

Adios. Goodbye. Join the millions of Americans already loving Chime. Sign up. It only takes two minutes. Doesn't affect your credit score. And you can get started today at Chime.com slash Ballers. That's Chime.com slash Ballers.

Banking services provided by and a debit card issued by the Bancorp Bank or Stride Bank in a member's FDIC. Out-of-network ATM withdrawal fees apply except at MoneyPass ATM in a 7-Eleven location and any AllPoint or Visa Plus Alliance ATM. Other fees such as third-party and cash deposit fees may apply. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. See-ba, do-ba, scooby-dooby-do-ba-do-ba-do-do. We do what we want, we do when we want, we do whatever we want, whenever we want, we're gonna do it.

Jason is in a new new are you medicated i am a walking pharmacy my friends now jason before the show kicked off the man behind the levers owl boardland he checked in he said jason i know you've been under the weather. Are you sure that you want to handle the scat intro? And you were very boisterous that it was not going to be a problem. And it wasn't. That was a problem. This sounds like a problem. This is going to be a problem all episode.

Look, if you or someone you know has... Emphysema. Black lung. Black lung or any of the uh diseases of the insides the respiratory system anywhere inside okay um you could come give me a smooch i have all the medication inside coursing through my body now from what i understand last week you went down to the coal mine you did a full day's work while smoking kids kids do not smoke we don't recommend smoking i watched all of the canaries die around stayed there for days no wait i thought like they hired you to be the canary

well yeah but you're just like a giant i I just kept going. Everybody else down there is gone. But I walked out and said, nice try. You can't kill me no matter who you are. It's going to be a very special episode of the show. Very Flemmy show. We're excited to be here with you. We have would you rather on today's spitballers? We have that's a great question. We have, would you rather on today's spit ballers? We have, that's a great question.

We have a very interesting draft, one that I cannot prepare for in any way, shape or form. So it's just going to, my genius will just come to me on the fly. Yeah. I've prepared my entire life for this. Really? Yeah. I mean, okay. Well, you can follow the show at spit ballers pod on Twitter.

Spit ballers pod.com is the website. Appreciate everybody who is leaving us a beautiful review on Apple Podcasts, subscribing, listening on the reg. Here's a review. Review-a-saurus regs. This one comes in from The Mike That Reads. Mondays now rule five stars. If you told me that in my early 30s I would be waiting every Monday to listen to three men scat,

I would have called you a madman. Well, call me crazy because this podcast is an absolute banger. Banger. Boots the size of a continent, butt cheeks, scissors, and coffins filled with cheese. I don't think it's unfair to say that this podcast is the single greatest thing in the currently cataloged universe. Keep it up, fellas. I didn't read the last.

Yeah, I was waiting for the last line. The mic that reads, thank you so much for listening to the show, supporting the show, leaving the review. However, it was going great, but then we got to the end and he pulled the punch. You don't like that he left room for there to be something greater in this world than this podcast? Catalogs universe. Yeah, there's a lot we don't know, Mike. There could be a podcast better than ours. Could there? I feel like Mike. That's true. The mic that reads could have taken the shot. universe yeah there's a lot we don't know mike there could be a podcast better than could there

i feel like mike that's true the mic that reads could have taken the shot yeah that we're still like even if there are other things yeah but how dumb would he feel when the uncatalogued podcast comes we'll all be dead by then really yeah probably or we'll be computers we'll never die we're still thankful for the review, though, right? Yeah, yeah. Thank you. All right. Would you rather? All right.

This one comes in from Reddit. Would you rather have the ability to see other people's farts? Oh, no. Or smell other people's thoughts? What do thoughts smell? how do you smell a thought you should uh let me tell you something let me tell you right now you do not want to smell my thoughts i promise i wait you went from not knowing what a thought smells like to realizing your thoughts would be really smelly all i know is that if you could smell my thoughts.

I don't know if you know what you're saying right now, Jason. You're already dead. Because if I can smell your thoughts and it's bad, that would infer that you have a very dirty mind. Literally. Because dirty thoughts are going to smell bad. They're going to stink. So you're interpreting it as the type of thought would be then translated to a smell, as opposed to you just need to think about things that smell.

So you're saying if there is this. I thought maybe he thought about poop a lot. No, no. If he's thinking other things. I think what Mike is saying is. It's unclean. If there is a, you know, like the mom Weasley character, this wonderful, just bubbly, always taking care of it.

Her thoughts probably smell like apple pies is what you're saying. Yeah. If you're having good thoughts, like, oh, I'm happy today. Maybe it smells like, you know, it's clean mountain air. It's just a weird question. I will agree. Welcome to our show, Andy. I know, but if you can smell other people's farts.

This was the one? If you can see other people's farts, I can visualize that. That would be great. Like a green stink coming out or something like that. It would be fabulous. Would it? Oh, certainly. Oh, yeah.

That would be great. How long does it linger? That's a superpower. Do you get like a purple haze lingers around the buttocks? And because everyone, we're all guilty of- The sneak attack. You've all been in a situation where you got to, as Jason would do, spread them so he can go just leak the silent SBD out.

I mean, you just had no choice. You don't have a gas x around but if you could look that person in the eyes and say I know what you just did I can see here's the thing it would be fabulous we have evidence uh I mean just if you want to enjoy a little while go you know go to YouTube and look for farts on thermal cams. And you could see people. Now, I've been told. That's how I'm viewing this situation.

I have been told by, do your kids watch Brain Child at all? No. I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about, man. So it's a Netflix show. So imagine like a modern day Bill Nye. Like it's a science. Actually, they do watch that. I, man. So it's a Netflix show. So imagine like a modern day Bill Nye. Like it's a science. Actually, they do watch that.

I remember it now. It's a great show. Like my kids are learning a ton of that. And they were doing a whole segment on temperature and how you can see it. And they said that the old Tootski on the thermal said that's BS. No, that can't be BS. They said it's not hot enough to register. They've never seen my farts.

Oh, now the truth comes out. My farts are the hottest. They are the hottest. I run hot. That means you're not eating well. I have seen, there's no way that all of these, like I'm sure that there are some fake thermal fart videos but there are there are videos that there's no way I believe that

those are fake there's just you the whole body posture getting caught on camera I don't believe I choose to believe you can choose not to believe thank That's fine. But the way that I think my thoughts are... How they smell. Stank is not because of just the content of my thoughts. Like, oh, I've got this dirty mind. Right. But the process of my... My thoughts aren't a clean through line.

You know what I mean? My thoughts go through a car accident or two before coming out. And so it's like the decay of the bodies is what you're smelling from my mind thoughts. Okay. That makes sense. That makes sense, right? What does a spider nightmare smell like? Oh, that's a great question.

What would that smell like? Fear? I think sulfur. Fear. Sulfur. Sulfur. Can you smell heat? I think sulfur, fear. Sulfur. Sulfur. Can you smell heat? I don't know.

They say animals can smell fear. I mean, so is that like the pheromones? Is that kind of what it would turn into is you can smell? People are emitting things? I don't think I would ever be able to smell a spider and know what i'm smelling you know there's no way it doesn't well the spider's not full of fear so that makes sense yeah the spiders fear nothing they're machines they fear birds so i think they they're really not big fans of birds that's that's an excellent to answer this question i would love to have the

superpower to see other people's farts. It's going to protect me. I'm going to get out the way. I know when someone's trying to sneak in here as silent but deadly, I'm out of here. I can accuse people when they should be accused, thinking they're going to get away with something. You can accuse when people aren't even in the wrong. Because now once you have proved to the world that you are the fart seer. Oh, yeah.

And they know that you know what you're talking about. Now you can just shame people whenever you feel like it. Regardless. Yeah. Which means I'm going to fart. And then I blame it on someone else. And they know I'm right. It's the perfect excuse.

Yeah. Sign me up. I can see everyone's farts. Josiah from Patreon, one of our Spitwad supporters. Thank you, Josiah. Would you rather have a personal chef, masseuse, or maid? Oh, my word. This is, I mean, like, I really desperately want these three things.

Yes, but you can only have one. Holy moly. That is tough. So a personal chef, that means I eat well. I probably lose weight. It's healthy. Home cooking is just healthier. Would you grow to resent that person, though?

And a personal chef, you can make them cook whatever you want. Do you really think? I think even if I ask for bad things, they're better than when you go out to restaurants. Yeah. You're not going to do yourself any favors saying, yeah, bring me another tiramisu. I'm glad it's homemade. I'm going to be fine. You're not.

The line here, you go, hey, I want some baked mac and cheese. Ooh. I do. And some crispy chicken. That's what you're going to say, first of all. And second of all, it's not going to be any healthier than ordering it at a restaurant other than fast food. My point is more like, okay, if I'm ordering tiramisu all the time,

yes, that's not good. You told me a story about ordering. The only time in your life you've ever had unlimited food at your disposal. You ordered 12 to 14 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches oh so good on that cruise because you had all you having all power of food creation i'm just saying it's dangerous this is why cruises are the best because you don't pay for food room service is free like hello it's midnight i'd like like 12 pita patatas and chili sandwiches. And you did that. You're darn right I did, and I'm proud of it. Did they say, well, this is the first?

They wouldn't look me in the eyes or speak to me, so I have no idea. But my point is, if I say I want a burger, I'm going to get a healthier burger made from a personal home chef than if I order a burger from a restaurant. I assume they're getting good quality meat. The buns aren't just manufactured at the lowest possible price for the restaurant's profits. That's what I'm talking about.

The ingredients are better. You disagree? I disagree a bit, yeah. Yeah, yep. I mean, yes, at the end of the day, maybe you have a slightly microscopically, nutritionally better bacon burger, but it's still going to be a bacon burger.

The masseuse, you know, how many hours a day can you get a massage? I mean, that's the real question there. Minimum two. Right. No, I'm saying I would, that's saying I'm going to lose time because i will avail myself of a minimum of two hours that is losing nothing you are gaining but like the

personal chef and the maid you're technically gaining hours you're never cooking food that's fair maid you're never cleaning yes so you're the masseuse you're losing the masseuse you're gaining the feeling of a massage. But if it's at your disposal, do you start? Do those two hours turn into three hours? Turn in five hours. Are you no longer a useful functional part? Are getting sick of it?

Like, look, look, I know I see your eyebrows furrowing. I love a professional professional massage. Love it. The best thing in the world but if if I got two hours of massage every single day and I'm a busy man I got life to live and then it's like oh man I gotta fit in this massage would I start getting sick of the massage maybe it's maybe it's three weeks maybe it's three months but eventually it's like once it's regular, like I'm not going to get sick of all. Oh, man.

All my laundry is always done. Dang it. So you're telling me 9 p.m. rolls around. You're like, ah, time for a massage before I go to sleep. You're going to get sick of that. No, late at night. And that's just one of the options because there are also the other hours in the day to get a massage i'm ocd enough to where i think a maid working full-time at keeping things perfect it might be my pick i think that might be great it's very selfless to like i feel like as

is the father of your house like taking a chef or a maid, it helps the entire house. The masseuse, if it's only for me, I'm helping no one else. That's where the guilt, if you have a personal masseuse and it's just yours. Yeah, but they work out the guilt like knots in your back. Honey, go ahead and I'll see you in a couple hours. The masseuse would work for everyone, right? The maid's not just like cleaning my stuff. So the masseuse wouldn't be just like me.

No, I think it's personal. It's not fair to be like. It's a personal chef or a personal maid or a personal masseuse. Okay, so this maid only does my laundry. No. No, but it's your house. It's your house, your laundry. Whereas like. Well, I will give some of. But that's why it's not a fair. It's your house, your laundry. Whereas like-

Well, I will give some of my personal masseuse time to my wife. Sure, you could do that. All right. But on that day, you don't get a massage. Well, I'm asking for four hours of massage that day. Two hours of my massage time goes to my wife. I'm taking the masseuse. Final answer.

I'm all selfish here. Give me the masseuse. We're both on the masseuse. I'll take the maid. All right. The Lizard King wrote in from the website. Would you rather have to scream, I'm going poopy at the top of your lungs every time you poop,

or have to congratulate and shake hands with everyone else as soon as they've completed their number two? As soon as they've completed? I think, I think. First of all, this is two-thirds of the would-you-rathers are poop or fart related. Borland, what's on your mind, my man?

I'm telling you more. Are your thoughts smelling a little bit worse than ours today? More than two thirds of the people that write into this show are suggesting poop. I'm drinking. I try to filter it out. These are the big would you rather questions. I'm drinking a you who. You can't just keep it to one.

What's great about that is we've always had a little bit of self-consciousness of, do we delve into the poop jokes a little bit too much on this show? Apparently not. Not enough, apparently. This is what the people want. So we will go ahead and assume for this case that you're shaking hands with them once they've exited the restroom. Yeah, but you're there to congratulate them with a firm handshake?

Post-hand wash. Yeah. Yes. This is not me at the stall. We don't know that everybody washes their hands after they poop. This is when they leave the restroom. That's a good point. That's a good point.

So I don't know if they're clean or not. Clearly, Mike is obsessed with the germ factor of this question. Yeah, well, certainly. Because I'm thinking more about, you know, that was the first thought that came through my head too. You have to shake hands with someone right after they're done pooping. It's like, Ooh,

yeah. You can't wash your hands after that situation. No, that's fair. But now I'm saying I've got to wash my hands after every time anybody poops. Well, you have to, you congratulated them.

Look, I don't do a lot of public pooping. I I'm embarrassed to say so. Maybe some of you are more proud of your public pooping record. I don't do a lot of public pooping. I'm embarrassed to say so. Maybe some of you are more proud of your public pooping record. I don't do a lot of public pooping. Therefore, me yelling around my house, I'm going poopy as loud as I can, really doesn't concern me at all,

unless we had a guest, in which case that would be a problem. If I could never public poop. I have to go to the bathroom that's very far away from everyone. Right. I would love that. I hate public public poop. I have to go to the bathroom that's very far away from everyone. Right. I would love that. I hate public pooping.

Nobody enjoys it. Talk about P squared. Nobody. It's the worst. You don't want to. I don't know who's been there. This seat is warm. Oh, no.

There's no Charmin Ultra Soft, which is the only acceptable toilet paper. Not a sponsor. One play. Could be. Charmin, reach out. You know, Mike and I were caught in a real public pooping situation once. Oh, my goodness, we were. And it was a big restroom.

And we both knew what each other had to take care of. Oh, no. And we were like. Wait, you're telling me you both had to go number two? Yes. The same public restroom. There was no one else in the restroom. This is number two yes and there was no one else in the restroom this is a bonding moment there was no one else in there and i believe we were in stalls

as far apart from each other as they could be but there was only two but there were what was there yes there was no that here's what you're not remembering i'm certainly not remembering all of it in my mind i've distanced myself where was this this was on the road man one of our hotel so we go in. And the way that these bathrooms are positioned, it seems like, okay, it's going to be okay. It's strange. But look, everyone, when you got to go, you got to go. And you seem like you're positioned far enough away.

Oh, man. And so it's the one regular stall and then the larger handicapable stall, except the handicapable stall has positioned their toilet right next to the other stall. Oh, no. And this was, I don't remember. I remember now. You played music, didn't you? I don't remember what was going on with this bathroom, like if there was just no insulation or whatever.

But the acoustics in this bathroom, it was an opera house. You could have put a maestro in there. Masterful design. insulation or whatever but the acoustics in this bath like it was an opera house like you could have put a maestro in there masterful design and one fart would go a long way in that room that's all we're saying and so it was it was so awkward did you guys hold hands under we could have mike put music on his phone he started playing music how have i not heard this story i don't know how did you not immediately come out i think immediately come out of the restroom and say, Jason, we have to tell you what just happened. So in that situation, if side by side, I'm going poopy.

I will go with the I'm going poopy one. That will be my official thought. Yeah, I'm not shaking those hands. I will make it unanimous. Get your dirty, grubby hands away from me. That's a great question. You got to come up with a playlist, Mike, for those situations. Like five or six songs.

Emergency bathroom playlist? Yeah, with some very underlying themes. It's going to need a lot of low end. Yeah. Because there was a lot of low end. Yeah. Because there was a lot that day. Joseph from the website writes in, Al Borland has decided to leave the podcast. Oh, no.

Thank goodness. To focus on his true love, organic soap making. Well, I didn't know that about you, Al. Neither did I. Now the three of you must pick up the slack and do the show prep social media technical production work how will you split up the work and keep the show on the air and thriving oh this this is easy this is super duper easy because we do this

uh we've done this yeah we don't do this so much that's true we didn't we don't do this so much. That's true. We don't do this. We've done this. What people may not realize about a podcast is even though we live our lives, like we pay our mortgages from now, the podcast or other one, the fantasy footballers, you don't just get there overnight. You can't just hire a full staff and say, oh, now we're in the bills because we're making a podcast. Yeah, we used to do it all. So this is what we had to do. I would make the show doc for the show. Yes.

When we first started, I did all the show prep stuff. Mike, you're the audio engineer. Mike would edit all of the audio each and every day right after we're done. And we have always treated these shows, in case you're curious, maybe this is a peering into our process. We're not, we haven't taken advantage of the podcasting universe where like a lot of people go out and they turn on the microphones and they do this really long thing and then there's a ton of like massive editing.

Like we've treated it like it's a live show always. Have we ever stopped Borland, a spitballers podcast that you can remember? No, I don't think so. 65 episodes. So we treat it like a live show, but Mike would go in and do audio editing. I would do all the video processing and video editing and we'd put it up and then we'd get started on the next day. So, you know, social media, it was kind of shared. We all did social media stuff, made graphics. Jason would do website. I do the website itself.

Jason would do the website posting. Oh, you used to do the pictures. Oh, that's right. Yeah. They were beautiful. And you would ask me from your cloth office, which was your closet office. Yep. We took the door off the closet.

Yeah. Put a desk in there. And you would say, hey, do you like this picture or this picture? Mm-hmm. And we'd look at it and we'd get it up for the new post. It's called crowdsourcing. And then we, no, it's not, actually. You were the crowd.

I sourced you. Oh, okay. Got it. I was going to say, it's more like we did it as opposed to crowdsourcing. But either way, eventually we became successful enough to hire somebody to do it at a much lower quality level but do all of it. Super. I mean, now you have show docs that are just garbage. Mediocre.

A lot of poop. A lot of poop. Assume everything we did was 10 out of 10, right? Right. Of course I do. So then what's half of that minus a little bit? It'd be four. Okay.

So it's a four out of 10. So we get like four out of 10 right now on everything, but we don't have to do it. But in fairness, a four out of 10 for Owl is like an eight out of 10. Right. Because he's playing with a different deck. Right. Mike's just taking it all in. I didn't follow anything.

Oh, really? Are you distracted over there? I was. So Akira has a question for us. Mike, are you in on this one? I'm back. If you could erase your memory and watch a TV show or movie for the first time again, what would it be?

So your first experience of going through something. Wow. That's such a great question. That is. I mean, you have twist movie endings that you can't see again. You think of like the sixth sense right right not my answer spoiler alert there's a twist he's a dead man okay there it is the statute of limitation is passed on the six that doesn't necessitate a spoiling though well i spoiled it

um erase your memory watch it again yeah for time. See, it's hard because there are shows like let's say you say The Office. Erase your memory. That's got such a long duration compared to a movie or even like a dramatic series. If you can get 10 seasons of a sitcom, 20 episodes a season. You have to take

a TV show over a movie. I feel like that. There's no way you could be like... I'm trying to think of a movie. That blew your mind? Like Braveheart the first time, Jay. I mean, but the rewatchability is so good. I don't need to have my... And then you have dramatic series like Breaking Bad the first time through

is amazing. Game of Thrones, it's really hard for me to not say Thrones. Oh! But if they erase my memory and I go back and I watch Game of Thrones again, is it possible that your friends just tell you that the final season never existed and it was just like the show is done?

How dare you? Now you're trying to fix the situation. The final season is fine. Let's digress. I think we have. I will go into, no, digress to the question, Jason. Okay. We'll get back.

We'll get him crowdsourcing and digressing. You don't know what words mean. That's the problem. I know what digress means. No, you don't. It means to leave the topic you're talking about. No, it means. We had digressed to a different topic.

Now you wanted to get back to the question. It's to digress from the distraction back to the main focus. That's not what digress means. It does. Leave the main subject temporarily. Oh, boom. Oh, boom. To leave the main subject.

I believe that's what Jason was saying. Yes. We don't digress back to the main subject. Let me digress to this question here before I'm proven entirely wrong. So you're one for two. That's fine. If you could erase your memory and watch a show, which one would it be? I think I'm just going to throw.

I think I would do. I think I'd go Seinfeld. That's a lot of episodes. 150 episodes. But if you wipe your memory Right now It was so funny Yes Oh because of the agedness

It was No I just talked That show looks so old But you're wrong I just talked to A young 20s couple That's going through it For the first time

And I tried to make excuses For the show Like Season 1 Season 2 Is a little dated And they're like No we didn't think that.

We thought it all lasted. So I think it would work. I haven't seen it. Interesting. I am you. I have my mind wiped from Seinfeld so I could go watch it and see if it holds up. You should do that. Come back to me when you're done.

This is a science experiment. What I want to say is. Why wouldn't you? Because it looks. It's a great show. It's too old. It's not, though. I just told you it wasn't.

Yeah, but you don't think MASH is too old. Sure I do. MASH is too old. Look, if you go back to the early Seinfelds, it looks super dated. Super dated. They definitely use phones with cords and things like that. And just look how they're dressed. Yeah, but that doesn't change the humor of it.

No. None of their jokes are dated is my point. None of the jokes in the show are dated. The clothing is dated, but the jokes aren't dated. That's impressive because comedy changes. Comedy evolves. You look at a movie that was funny 20 years ago, it's not funny anymore. If their funny holds up, that's impressive. I would say Battlestar Galactica. movie that was funny just 20 years ago it's it's not funny anymore if they're if they're funny

holds up that's impressive i would say battle star galactica it's the best show that's ever been made you've really dug in on that in recent years too like you feel like that's a badge of your honor like i don't feel like you thought this strongly five years ago when you actually finished it how have you not been to like comic con uh just fully cosplayed out or outer space i mean just because i like one show yeah but you like it you don't just like it like comic-con is not like a battlestar galactica conference okay why haven't you been to a galactica basically it's galacticon bs let's put it this way the way you feel about battlestaractica, the people that you want to hang out with are at Comic-Con because they feel the same way you do.

My people, I'm coming. How are you not geeked out in Adama gear? Oh, I'm the Admiral. Yeah. With this voice? Are you kidding? It's not bad. All right, Mike, do you have a vote?

It's Thrones. All right, Robin from Twitter. What is something that you have recently realized and are embarrassed you didn't realize earlier in life aka now this i'm not embarrassed by this where when did this happen now because i'm losing my this officially happened on our sirius xm radio show uh wheelbarrow versus wheelbarrow so i was talking about a wheelbarrow and someone pointed out that they swear i said wheelbarrow and i said well of course i did because that's the word it's a wheelbarrow and then it's like no it's a wheelbarrow. And I'm like, what's a barrow? I know what a barrel is.

I barrel down the pavement with my wheelbarrow, barreling down. And apparently the word is wheelbarrow. And I'm not alone here. No, I was right there with you. The only big thing you're alone in is that it's not a real word. Okay, that's fair. But we took a poll, and there were other people mistaken. It was almost 40% of people that did not know it was wheelbarrow.

Yes, of your followers. Which we share a lot of the same followers. I'm not saying we don't, but I am saying it's a different proportion of people that think wheelbarrow is a word now al borland and i have always understood the word to be what it is wheelbarrow mike was but not the word digress i was wrong there okay so andy what is something you have recently realized you don't know why i'm apparently digress okay is a good one it's funny because apparently

when people say that then they must be admitting what they've done right as they return as opposed to coming back from it and now i've learned something i've grown as a person that's what we're here to do maybe at the end of the day i will think battlestar galactica is the greatest show ever made and then my life will. What is something that you've realized recently that are embarrassed that you didn't realize earlier in life, man, this is a tough question. It's a tough question off the top of your head.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it's a moment that you, you experience and then you move on. It's almost a great question to be prepared for. Almost. Right. Yeah.

But who wants to do that? Well, we are prepared. The wheelbarrow. Yeah. That who wants to do that? Well, we are prepared. The wheelbarrow. Yeah, that was a good answer. Yeah, that's true. I don't have anything. Like at a certain point,

we're in our 30s. We're not really learning or realizing anything anymore. Right, at all. So when did we stop? About 29 and 364 is the way through. Once you hit 30,

you don't realize things anymore you just know what you know and i know yes you've accepted you're never going to become unafraid of spiders that is such a you could grow as a person and totally get over that phobia if you thought i could grow i do to get over a fear of spiders i I do. Then you, sir, are an idiot. Okay. I love your belief in me. But see, what if you realized it now and then were embarrassed you couldn't have realized that earlier in your life? Like, what if you found out today that you could, you know, overcome your fear?

You accepted the fact you could overcome your fear of spiders today and tomorrow you weren't afraid. Wouldn't the preceding 36 years feel stupid? Yes, but I have not heard of a surgery yet to help me overcome my fear. Well, the surgery actually puts the spiders under the skin. It's face your fear. It's a face your fear situation where you have to lay down in a coffin. Nope. Coffin? Why does he have to be in the coffin?

Because that's what they do on Fear Factor. Two straight shows. First coffin, he had cheese all over him. Second show,'s what they do on Fear Factor. Two straight shows. First coffin, he had cheese all over him. Second show, he's got spiders all over him. We have a problem. Next show, it'll just be me. You guys want a draft? Yeah. What, you as the coffin? Just me in the coffin. Oh. Well, because we've

beaten him down. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We're drafting an animal football team, which we just learned. You are the quarterback. You get to draft one animal species that will fill out the core of your offensive position.

So you need a wide receiver running back tight end and an offensive line. Jason, the rules are this. You are the quarterback, so you're not drafting one. Oh, really? And land animals only. Yes. Okay. So you're playing quarterback.

You need some people around you to help you out. You need to pick animals. You can't pick ocean creatures, as I would probably accidentally do. So what do you got with the first pick? Okay. So jealous of your first pick. Yeah, I know. I'm so glad I get the 101.

There's such a clear 101. Here's what the 101 is going to be, though. I am going to draft an ape. Okay. For wide receiver. Because I think the most important thing in a wide receiver is having hands.

So I think it's going to be very difficult for you two gentlemen to catch the ball without hands. So I am taking an ape for wide receiver. Clearly someone has never seen Air Bud Golden Retriever

or Golden Receiver. I apologize. Apology accepted, Mike. You should draft a Golden Retriever. Maybe I will. He's got the precedent. With my first selection in this very important draft,

Jason, you took an ape. I will select an elephant. It will serve as my offensive line in this circumstance. And look, I may have some issues throwing over it because I'm the quarterback and my whole plan in my mind was to draft the giraffe to be the quarterback. So we'd have a clear line of sight, but you're not getting through this. So you did the exact opposite where your quarterback has no line of sight, and you make Kyler Murray look like a giant. No, no, no.

Obviously, clearly, the elephant will kneel during the play. Mike, you took an elephant as your O-line? Correct. Okay. Well, great news. My one-on-one is still on the board, fellas. You really had one. I do, because at the wide receiver position I will

take a cheetah yeah it was it was in my mind I will take the fastest land animal possible and they will catch it with their mouth no problem I've seen it done all right and then you you voiced the the second pick Andy because my tight end position is going to be

a giraffe that's what I wanted for my tight end. Very nice. I'm going with Jason's Yao Ming playing tight end strategy. Now I have speed, and I have also the tallest land animal. Now, that is interesting, but you will not get the kind of downfield threat that you would want. A giraffe's got some speed. Yeah, he's got to get up to speed, doesn't he? Well, you know.

And talk about, look, maybe you got him for one game, but those legs absorbing a hit. I'm coming back with a grizzly bear for my tight end. I want a big old grizzly bear. My tight end doesn't block. I want to get some speed. Since you're receiving tight ends. My grizzly can block.

My grizzly can body you in the end zone. It's kind of got hands. We'll call them pause in this case and we'll move down the line here. So I've got an elephant and a grizzly bear. Okay. Uh, this is, this is up to you. It's going well. This is going well. Okay. Doki. Uh, um, let's see here. So I still need two picks. You still need lucky. You still need an O-line, a tight end and a running back. All right. Well, clearly I'm taking a rhino.

Dang it. For my O-line. I mean, oh, you took him for the wrong position, you dummy. Oh, shoot. It's too late. No, it's not too late. Yes, it's too late. No, it's I'm.

No, that rule is dumb. You picked. Yep. You picked. That's fair. I am going to draft. you got a rhino on your o-line that's fine i can i can pivot here i'm gonna draft a hippopotamus for my running back they're actually pretty how about that i'll tell you what's not fumbling my hippopotamus has that ball. Not with that mouth. You're in that mouth. You ain't never getting that.

How are you tackling my hippopotamus? What in the world could you ever tackle a hippo with? I wonder what kind of vision hippos have. Do they have the vision it takes that's necessary to find a hole in the defensive line? They just have to be able to see straight. They're just going to keep walking. And you can't tackle them. This is a refrigerator Perry situation.

All right, so you've got an ape at wide receiver, a rhino for your offensive line, a hippo at running back. I've got an elephant for my O-line, a grizzly bear tied in. And I'm going to bring in a horse for my running back. Oh, that's a good pick. That's a good pick. So I'm going to go horse with running back, which means that I have to figure out what? A wide receiver on the way back?

That is correct. No problem. Hope he doesn't break a leg out there, that horse. Don't they put horses down when they break a leg? They do. This is not the sport for a horse. No, that's very true. All right.

At my running back position, I'm going to get some speed. I'm going to get some speed. I'm going to get some agility. I'm going to get an animal that could throw a fierce stiff arm. If need be, I'm going to take a kangaroo. I'm going to take that kangaroo. They will punch you in the face. They will also whip you with the tail. They also kick you in the face.

They can do that as well. And then at offensive line, I just need some girth, so I'm going to take a moose. Good luck getting by those antlers, sucker. Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad. I'm protected. That's a nice cut block.

Yes. You know, the moose can get the head down. We call it the cut in half block. Yes, that'd be painful. All right, I'm a little jealous of your wide receiver, Mike. I guess I'll finish it out with, I will go with a gazelle. Air bud. I'll go with a gazelle. Gaz Bud. I'll go with a gazelle.

Gazelle was my second choice. Yeah. Oh, for wide receiver? Yeah. I mean, I feel like I want an animal that can at least compete with your cheetah for a little while. I think your cheetah may get a little tired in the third quarter. The cheetah? Yeah.

Cheetahs cannot run at top speed for very long. That's one of the facts about a cheetah that you don't know, Mike. It just needs about 100 yards. Remember, didn't we just learn this last week? Didn't you bring up the fact that you could be- I don't recall this. Oh, maybe my son taught me this. Never mind.

That you can beat a cheetah in a marathon. Like a human can. Wait, were we drafting a marathon team? No, no, no. I was just saying- Okay, good. Because I'm drafting a wide receiver. He's fine.

All right. My team, I added the gazelle. This is a spectacular draft, Jason. Well, for my tight end, my last position left. I could take something like a polar bear, but I feel like that's too similar to the grizzly bear. Yeah, the bear's gone. Yeah, exactly.

The bear's gone. I'm just going... You might want a bigger tight end, but I'm just taking the king, man. Yeah, that's a good pick. I mean, with this... Simba. You're taking a lion? I am taking the king of the jungle.

Give me the lion at tight end. And it doesn't even matter because all I need is the hippo running back. Just give him the ball. Wait a minute. Watch him go. We've all made a terrible mistake. What did we forget? At the wide receiver position. Nobody took an eagle?

How do you not take an eagle? Yes, I thought about it. How do you not take an eagle? Land animals only. Oh, was that a rule? Yes. Oh, that's why. That's how we didn't take one.

We're super smart. No, I didn't hear that earlier. I took the ape at wide receiver because I wanted the hands. And then immediately afterwards, I was like, shoot, a flying animal would have been. Well, I thought about going falcon to outspeed Mike. But, I mean, it's a bird. It's not going to catch a football very well.

What are you talking about? What, those talons? We needed the defensive side here. Yeah, the talons would probably get it taken care of. You would never be tackled. It would be a touchdown every play. I feel like we did need the defensive side of this. Because it Talons would probably get it taken care of. You would never be tackled. It would be a touchdown every play. I feel like we did need the defensive side of this. Because it's like, who can stop my hippo?

The only one would be my rhino, which I got both. It's over. Is it weird to take a rattlesnake as your defensive end? Yeah. As the D end? I would say 100%. I mean, you just need one play. Yeah, and they can strike very far.

So as soon as that ball is snapped, a rattlesnake is going to be right there. Good luck with your backup quarterback. It's going right under the legs of your blocker. Rattlesnake would be an excellent blocker. Thank you. I promise you, after getting bit by a rattlesnake, all of these animals can make their way to the end zone before dying. I promise.

Maybe one time. That rattlesnake's not tackling my hippo. Not you. You're the quarterback because the second the ball is snapped, the rattlesnake from the coil position will be at your throat. That's fine. A rattlesnake on my throat. I will still, I will fumble the ball into my hippo's mouth. So you'll score one time. That's my point. It's a whole game. All right. We don't need to draft the defense. I think we can live with Jason having an ape, rhino, hippo, lion, Mike with the cheetah wide receiver, giraffe tight end, kangaroo running back,

moose O-line. I've got the elephant O-line, grizzly bear tight end, horse running back, gazelle wide receiver. Good luck in the polls, guys. What did we learn today? I learned that I've been somewhat misunderstanding but possibly using correctly still on accident the word digress ah nice so i thank you for teaching me jason you're welcome i learned that mike and andy have had a shared poop experience where they were poop pals. I'm going poopy.

Our souls were intertwined as poop pals. Yeah. I learned, speaking of poop, I learned our audience can't get enough of it. They want more poop jokes. Well, we can supply what you want. Thanks for tuning in, listening to the show. We'll be back next Monday. The spit poopers. No. be back next Monday. The Spit Poopers.

No. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Howdy, howdy, howdy, everybody. It's the end of the show. But I still got something to tell you about.

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