Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Bath Boys & The Perfect Summer BBQ - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

Spit Hit for July 14, 2022: Summer is in full force and on today’s show, we draft the perfect summer BBQ items and find out who the boujee barbecuer of the group is. Before we bite into the draft, we tackle some great questions about fighting Dwane Johnson, taking bubble baths, and the etiquette surrounding complimenting someone’s house that you are a guest in. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's Spit Hits, look, it's summertime, we're drafting, you know, the perfect summer barbecue items, and then hard-hitting questions like fighting Dwayne the Rock Johnson, which is, you know, easier, easier done than said, am I right? Not for me. What? No problemo. That's why I said easier done than said. Then yep.

Good work over there, Jason. Thanks for paying attention. Talk about taking bubble baths and more. Make sure you subscribe to the pod and enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

A-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Q! It's a barbecue episode! It's a BBQ! Oh, welcome in to... It's the one-letter scat. Oh, I'll take it. Spitballers episode 109. Welcome in Andy, Mike, and Jason with you. We do have a barbecue draft today.

Jason is not wrong. The scat was accurate. And we have a couple of fun segments segments I'm excited to be back with everybody My kids are sitting in Off camera They're very excited about the episode So I don't know how they feel about barbecue I'm pretty sure I know how they feel

But we'll see who can draft a better barbecue Is anybody anti-barbecue? Like just Like I'm not like It's not my favorite thing in the world, but I'm not like, I don't have a stance against barbecue. I think the only stance you could take is that

barbecue sauce is just intense. It's not the sauce for me. Is that really an approach that you have? Yeah, I don't. Like barbecue sauce, I could never eat barbecue sauce again in my life and i would miss nothing well there goes all of our audience i think i'm actually

the same way yeah it's not super important to me i like it i ate it today literally ironically but i you know it's it's not a it's not a staple of my life, but I don't feel like barbecue sauce is what makes a barbecue. I feel like you just need to grow it. We're talking about flavor versus event. Yeah, those are different. Those are different. But we can get into that later. You can follow us now on Twitter, at SpitballersPod.

Jason is at JasonFFL. Mike is at FFHitman. I'm at Andy Holloway. And the website, Spitballerspod.com, where you can find out how you can support the show, become an official Spitwad supporter, and send in your questions for our various majestic segments. Oh, very studious.

Yeah, they're incredible. And we appreciate everybody who reviews the show, supports us wherever you're listening. Let's do some Would You Rather. supports us wherever you're listening. Let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather? Cedric from the website says, would you rather have to fight one huge muscular dude or two dudes that are about the same size and strength as you? So we have a we have a new spin on the the horse size duck question but this is this is very i mean i mean how big is this guy and how much smaller are these two huge muscular dude jason yeah that is in the actual name. Okay. So in Jason's case, just some guy who has like any form of muscles.

But the thing is, is if I'm fighting two guys like me, I'm fighting two big guys already. So how much smaller are they? I imagine that. They're not. They're the same size as you. Yeah, the size. So just imagine it just all scales up. It ramps up, Jason, no matter who you are.

You're fighting two people that like, look, I know one thing. I can handle fighting myself. I will. I can hold up against myself. One of you would win for sure. One of me would win for sure. I don't know. Did you ever fight Shadow Link in Zelda 2?

No, I didn't. That was like impossible. No, none of your deep references land with me for the 100th consecutive time. No, none of your deep references land with me for the 100th consecutive time. But no, I could beat myself up and maybe distract the other version of myself enough to then beat him up. I won't beat up somebody that is bigger, faster, stronger, more muscular. I'm very confused by your arrogance that you could beat yourself up because that's arrogance. It's a confusing arrogance.

It is because if it is you, how, if it is an exact copy of you, why are you so much better than the copy? Because this version knows he's easy to beat up. I mean, wait, but then it works.

Right. Yes, it does. That's what we're saying. I'm saying maybe this, maybe me, me, not my copy is having a good day.

And my copy, I've been known to have bad days. My copies are having bad days. They maybe had a little too much ice cream. I know my reflexes are going to be slower with the ice cream levels at maximum. Now they have a back story of what they woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I woke up on somebody twice as big as me. My final answer, I picked andy's is what i want no no for me it's it's obviously one big because what you said andy is you said bigger stronger faster but that doesn't happen when you get bigger and stronger you don't get faster necessarily you

get slower think about you know the the combine results for the NFL, the bigger and heavier you are, the slower you are. That makes physical scientific sense. When you fight a big guy, a huge, you know, a Goliath, I'm going to be faster than that guy. I mean, well, I'm not because I've got extra weight, but an average person should be faster than the super big lumbering guy but he's muscular too he will pop your head yeah he's he's the big strong guy how many fighting multiple people man because let me ask you this would you rather fight the rock or two of you legitimately oh okay that's a good example right that's a great example because that's definitely not the rock i mean that is a great example i'm picking in my head this big slow guy maybe i can give him a a groin kick and just get out of dodge i can't do that either way you're groin kicking

it's my number one weapon with it you know when i'm training and they're like a one one two the one is a groin kick his pad did move the kick to the groin yeah watch him run and try to get him from the back um yeah no when you say the rock there's no i couldn't possibly beat the rock at least i know if i'm fighting two of me, they will tire quickly as well. You know your own weaknesses, so you can exploit them. Exactly. Mike, I... But they know your weaknesses too, because they are you.

They were born today. They know nothing. Oh my gosh. We're in a post-apocalyptic cloning movie now. They were created today. Mike, I... What are you taking, Mike? Help us, Mike.

Since you put it as The Rock, then I have to hope. I'm fighting two of me, and I have to hope I get a good throat strike on one of them, and it turns into 1v1 because I think in both of these situations, I'm ending up in the hospital. Now, Al's making a strong point. because I think in both of these situations, I'm ending up in the hospital. Now, Al's making a strong point. We've kind of run with this question, but it does technically say two dudes that are of the same size and strength as you. It was funnier when it was Andy fighting himself, though. You're fighting, so whatever.

The mentality is they don't know my moves before I make the move because I know the move that they're going to make because they know the move that I'm going to make. I don't have to deal with that problem. I'm not fighting the rock. I can beat up two regular dudes. I am sure I can beat up two regular dudes. Now, don't hear what I'm saying.

That's also a confidence that I don't have. I am not saying that I will win 100% of the time. I'm not saying that I would always beat up two guys. I'm saying it's possible i'm saying i can beat up two dudes that are about my size and strength if necessary here's how i know because i used to in a former day a fight a little bit and sometimes we would get the friends over and we'd get the boxing gloves out and we would do these fights. And I can't believe how stupid we as people are to go for, like, not a real fighter, not a big, strong, like. But if you do this absurd fake, literally, like, you hold your left arm up to the sky and you shake your glove, like, look here.

And then you hit with your other hand. It gets them every time. It's so stupid. And they look dumb. But I will use whatever tactic necessary to beat up two my similar size. Let's say you're fighting two people that are of similar size and strength as you. Are you winning because you are more skilled, or are you winning because you will take a punch better than they will?

It is certainly not the last one. I am going to do one of two things. It's skill and it's willingness to fight dirty. Those are the two. You've always said, and I give you a lot of credit for this, Jason. It's one of your most virtuous qualities. You've always said you're willing to cheat to win. Cheat to win if necessary.

Win at all costs. I think in a fight that's 1v2 the rules are like yeah you can't the rules of warfare are gone because you're already fighting two people those rules have been the contract has been shattered by those two people you have to cheap shot the first one out okay that's the groin kick the throat punch the eye gouge whatever it is and then it's a one-on-one fight where it's like okay now i'm willing to do gentlemen gentlemen rules once the first is out what are the odds that i could take the rock out with a stone in a sling oh are we talking like a slingshot you know bart simpson slingshot or sling wash if you gave me 100 000 throws with a daniel like sling i would maybe get one of them to go forward that's how i

feel like that would because what do you do you let go yeah daniel what did i say you said daniel david sling oh man what do you let go of one side and then the rock comes out is that how that works if i don't know i've i've seen them in cartoons how many lions have you killed with them but i'm telling you i don't know how those work i don't know how you ever as you're swinging around this oh you'll hit yourself in the face yeah get one to you know fly out of the pouch you have to have the bart simpson style slingshot reina from patreon would you rather have subtitles in real life or be able to adjust volume in real life why can't i have both oh they'd be helpful see this is a great question because

usually it's two bad things like would you rather this bad thing yeah no i like this great these are two things i want i want both and you want to know i got to speak to the subtitles here real quick because as as recently as like two years ago i hated when subtitles were on and i'm not talking subtitle movies foreign films right i'm talking like when you're watching a movie why would you ever want the words on there for multiple reasons because one it gets in the way of what you can see on the screen two sometimes you know what they're saying before they get to their line yeah i i i absolutely hated it and now i can't watch anything without it my man welcome welcome to team subtitle i think it's a great place to be it started with like heavy english shows where it's like they've got an accent every single show we watch now starts with subtitles and the shows

are better i miss nothing unless i'm watching the witcher do you accommodate the volume lower because of it oh no no i crank that's why i'm with mike here i want both i want to crank that volume you don't have to it gives the option that you can turn it down and not miss anything but how like how many times in a in the movie theater, you're in the ideal situation where you're watching. You've got a great sound system. You've got a huge screen so you can read lips. And then you go, wait, what did he say? That doesn't happen when the subtitles are on the bottom, my man.

It's great. Yeah. Yeah. We watch way too much in subtitles now too. This is just, the question may be positive versus positive, but it's just made me realize how old we are. may blame my hearing. I may blame her volume, but there's a miscommunication that happens at times when I ask my, my wife will say something. I won't understand what she said. I will then say, what? Or what did you say? She will then reply to me in the exact same manner with no changes made she's giving you a second chance to get text messages what what is the problem mike so the problem you never mind i was saying you text back what right yeah i couldn't hear you speak up no i don't understand she replies in the

same volume and the exact same tone with no adjustments to make it clearer well you could fix that then with this yeah i could turn yeah i could turn her up the thing with the volume is there are there are two advantages here right you could turn volume down uh and this can work for noisy environments or let's say let's relatives um you're you go to the school talent show where your kids are one of 43 acts. You want to know what I ain't hearing? 42 of them because that volume is on mute. I don't need that violin trying to die in front of me. That's a good point.

You can mute some very annoying situations. I didn't even think of the situations where it's it's just too loud and this speaks to your point andy gosh we're old i yes i am that music's too loud i am i am an old man i have reached the point in my life where yes music can be too loud and it's frequently too loud when you're at a concert and like i can't enjoy it so if i could turn it down just a little bit we are old we are so old no young kids have ever said man life's just too loud around me no i know because that was me here's the first time i i realized that we've got the amc theaters out here and they have the dolby oh yeah theater yeah that theater costs twice as

much it's a feature and that theater costs twice as much and is so much worse than any of their other theaters but it rumbles your butt cheeks that it does that it does but it also a double for a good rumble destroys my ears i would turn that down a little bit. My son, who's sitting here watching the show today, he cannot go to the Dolby. Oh, my man. If he finds out we're going to a Dolby, it's like, I'd rather not go. It's too loud, right? I mean, Mr. AMC, if you're out there, fix your Dolby theaters. They are too loud.

Someone decided that a feature was just making something too loud. Hold on. Jason, have you ever been at a movie theater and been the person who goes out to find someone to say, excuse me, it's too loud. I need you to turn it down. No, no. If it's too hot or too cold or if the movie is the wrong movie or it's- Wait, you complain about the wrong movie? The sound is off.

He won't confront them. I will do nothing. confront him do nothing i will look around at the people around me like who's waiting for somebody to do something uh you know someone should really say something not me i am not talking to anyone ever the whole movie doesn't work and everyone on their way out stops by customer service gets refund i'm walking straight out the door i the movie was not even getting the refund i'm not getting the refund i don't want to deal with that i can't deal with customer service man i can't go to target and take things back like my wife knows i am i'm i'm the the man of the house the man of the family i'm you know i i step up in leadership as so long as it's

not customer service or spiders or spiders those two, I am at the back of the line. I ran away. It's funny, though, because we talk about getting older. But one of the things that 100% comes with getting older for a lot of older men is a willingness to have confrontation for no reason whatsoever. no reason whatsoever i mean to achieve the pinnacle goal of life which if you work hard and hard and hard eventually you can reach the pinnacle of life which is to be the president of a homeowners association and have all authority and power in all of the world to confront people on anything there's a reason a curmudgeon and yeah the curmudgeon old men is not you don't just say curmudgeon people it's always cremugity old people.

I was voted most likely to succeed and I will prove them that I, they're correct. I am proud of my youth here because I am so anti-confrontation when it comes to things like that. I must be nine years old. Blake from Twitter. Would you rather be given a wallet with a five dollar bill in it that automatically replenishes after 10 minutes of taking it out or a lump sum of 15 or 15 000 now when i first read this i need some math hold on who's who's done the math on how long it takes

to get to 15 000 yeah well i yeah, someone could do the math. It's $30 an hour if you're pulling $5 out of 10 minutes. Yeah, but you got to sleep and stuff like that. You're awake normally like 10 hours. Wait. How long are you awake? 12 hours. Yeah, maybe.

13? Maybe 12? Yeah, I mean, you sleep eight hours a night, Mike. You're probably up for 16. wow the math checks out oh man hey i'm you're blowing my mind right now just give me the so i'm just gonna go with 10 hours because that's easy man yeah yeah 10 hours of wall you're gonna miss some of these you're not gonna be on every last forever and that's the that's the right solution you get it forever the lump sum of 15K you will spend through and be done. The wallet, look, you might get bored.

You might get tired. You might not want to take it out every 10 minutes every day. That'd be a pretty boring job. But it will always be there forever if you needed it. Right? I like it. I'm taking the five bucks every 10 minutes. Yeah, I am too.

I don't know what Jason's doing. That sounds awesome. yeah i am too i don't know what jason's awesome so that means if i'm taking you know i i oh man yeah i think you got to go infinity here because even though i want to i want to take the 15 000 so that i don't have to take five dollars out every you know every 10 minutes at the same time you're going to have this is the classic question that you ask children and it doesn't matter what the two options are would you like one marshmallow or a hundred tomorrow it's always i will take my marshmallow now and we take 50 days of 10 hours a day to reach the 15 000 that's it's it? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. If you take the 15K, you're a buffoon.

I plan to live 50 years, so I will take, like, total 50 years old. So I've got a little over a decade here. You still have enough time with your $5. It's plenty of time. Give me the $5. Easy money. Yeah, I guess that would be a yearly salary if you kept it up consistently after the 50

days like this is your new job this is your new job you make 109 500 a year but you have to work 10 hours a day pulling money out of your wallet you don't have to know about my wallet that is tax-free that is 100 tax-free and you're not working 10 hours a day here you're working maybe you maybe you could say five minutes a day any of you ever bought a car with fives oh oh my goodness because you have to that would be well you can go to the bank that i'm gonna take my five that's a strong point mike then you ever gone to a bank with fives don't know it's tax-free you gotta go you gotta go fives you probably have to go to the dealer with the fives you're living in fives for the rest of your life

if I could pay for things in briefcases full of fives I would gladly do that yeah he's got a good point that one's pretty funny let's do some questions that's a great question this question comes in from zelda oh oh wow great name on twitter the three of you uh are fathers of three kids that's true accurate uh do you have any great don't tell your mother about this stories oh for the public consumption of this podcast yes that our wives listen to um i am i i don't know if i have

one story jumping out i'm definitely guilty of the occasional break the family rules to be loved in the moment situations right where it's like don't tell her i gave you the candy yeah i'm in charge of lunch one afternoon and she's out and i'm like we're just lunches a dozen donuts it's close to that it's something like party time and i use the guise of like these special memories with dad so i don't have to reinforce any rules i've definitely done that with food many times like and i will say it beforehand okay okay i will let you get mcdonald's is what you're asking for i'll let you get it if you don't tell your mother that's the rule this is you just leveraging that you get mcdonald's two birds one stone that's right and mama bear is none

the wiser i don't i don't have a good one man uh sure you don't no no i i honestly i don't the closest i could think of is just and it's not even a don't tell your mother it's like uh i will on on occasion all when my daughter's going to sleep i'll lay down and just be in the room you know and we end up we'll talk because this is when she likes to get into her deep philosophical oh yeah conversations like keep me awake when you when you haven't gone gone to bed and it's now 9 p.m this is the time to talk about the universe oh yeah like get into all what what does dad believe about there's no bedtime if there's existential questions exactly yeah they are full-on existential like well what about this and so i mean but that's not like don't tell your mom about this this is just you're getting dad's

dad dad is tired and now you are getting dad's unfiltered answers like about anything you want to ask you want to ask dad's politics ask him at 9 p.m because you're getting the full truth i think that this question if we ask it in another decade will be very differently answered because right now that's fair we've all got like 10 year olds you know and under or you know 11 12 but when they, 17, 18 and something happens where it's like, oh, your mother's going to straight up kill you for what you did to the car, there might be a situation where I have to try to fix something and keep them alive. So, you know, but right now, no, I don't think there's anything bigger anything bigger than this is for you so that your mother does not have a stroke yes for right now it's like how can i get

away with eating what i want without it comes out of my wife knowing about it yeah sorry zelda no good stories not yet we'll we'll share them when you come along not with our wives the best place for a story that you don't want to tell just your wife about the best place for that is on a a podcast listen to by thousands of people kyborg from the website if you visit someone's house for the first time are you required to compliment the aesthetics of the house immediately what if their style is genuinely bad what if it's uh what is a safe piece of furniture appliance comment to make what is a no-no okay i have never oh my god someone's home never in my life been to someone's home for the first time and not complimented it so i think

oh this is so nice and i don't i don't like it a lot i don't like it um yeah it's one of those like it's just a natural it's it's the same as saying like how are you you know yes oh good thing it's it's is this that your baby is so cute yes all babies have to be told that they're oh she's so cute he's so cute when you first see the baby because it's just something you say babies are cute and you're i love what you did with the place you you love what you live in your social contract this is a nice place yeah mike doesn't live in the play he doesn't live in these he's turning the mic oh there's a baby that's what he says you walk in and go oh there's a baby like oh hey now but mike think about it from the other side here right someone uh he doesn't care but maybe mike is a caring empathetic person so

i'm just saying i am someone gets a someone gets a new home they move you go over for the first time they've done the process of moving and decorating and yada yada and you come in and you just go about whatever you know oh you're here to play some board games play some board games you leave and you never say one nice thing about the house right the other people i'm just letting you know you are the only person on planet earth who won't say something nice so this isn't just this means what you're saying is that one of two things seems true to the other person. Either you hate the house and you just couldn't bring yourself to say something nice or you're just a jerk. I mean, wait, what?

Now I'm a jerk because I won't give a fake compliment. I mean, that is the essence of life. Fake compliments. It keeps the order. You guys are blowing my mind. It keeps the order. Hold on. You guys are blowing my mind here. It keeps the social order. The social order is based upon a fake compliment? Yes.

I would have to say so here. I mean, this is the old story of the wife asking you how the dress looks on her. What do you say, Mike? It looks good. The truth. And it's my wife, Mike? It looks good. The truth. And it's my wife, so it always looks good. Gotcha. Here's a pro tip.

Here's a pro tip. You walk into someone's house. You've never been there for the first time. Check this out. You walk in. Oh, man, look at that. Boom. Take that as you will. that's perceived as a compliment

when i say oh my goodness look at that wow look at that ceiling fan look at that tv oh what do you like electronics nothing if they follow up with what do you like about it oh i am now when you come over whenever we move and you come over and you hit me let's roll play it out let's roll play it out oh my goodness jason look at that couch oh you love it do you like it holy crap do you see that tv what do you think about how it goes with the couch oh man like look at the walls please leave my home you are not here. I just keep looking at stuff. Now, real quick, just so that I could get a clear picture of you.

I want to know how many times you've done this with us. Are you able to like other people's things and give genuine compliments? Or are you, number two, the jerk? Oh, child, please. You know me. If I compliment something, you know that I really, truly like it. Okay. Because he's made it through the filter.

You've made it through the filter. Oh, my gosh. I know for one thing, he does not like lemon cookies. No fake compliments there. No fake compliments, man. No, that's something that you don't. I wouldn't fake compliment that the reason why this compliment the reason why this question is so funny is

because i've never realized it before but now thinking through it you when you walk into someone's house for the first time i do it absolutely and it's not i'm not in my head thinking i'm a liar what What a dump. Nice place. You know, like, I've never done that. I just walk over and I find the good in someone's house because I feel like that's... Right. Look at that couch.

Oh, would you look at that? That's even better. That's even better. Whoa, would you look at that? And then they're like, what? The painting? Yes. Whatever they say.

Hearing good things about couches. Ellen. It was the same couch as my last house. Ellen from Patreon. What are some of your regular routines or something you enjoy from time to time that is stigmatized as feminine or unmanly all right all regular routines something you enjoy from time to time i've got one uh tons of bubble baths give me that bath if you get in a bath and you ain't putting bubbles or some bath bomb or some salt like if you what are you doing in the bath then um also i love but i mean the three of us we are bath boys

is that a fair name for the bath boys yeah because a bath is fantastic I love that somehow along the line, unmanly became synonymous with not enjoying and not taking care of yourself. It's so weird that that happened. It's funny because it's marketing. It's what the marketing does because all these products, Jason just talked about bath bombs. Zero percent of bath bombs are marketed to men. Right.

But if my wife buys a lavender bath bomb and it's sitting there, I'm putting it in my bath. You don't want to smell good? Here's another one along the lines of this that I am fully guilty of. Guilty as charged. And I want to be. Being wrong here is wrong. I don't want to be right. want to be right um the female marketed and i'm talking super sweet strawberry and cream whatever type of scented body wash that comes in the clear bottles with okay i mean like you want to smell

the fruitier the better when i so this is a new revelation for me because i usually get the like men dove whatever body wash or acts i. I just want anything with a pump. You just smell like gasoline. So long as it's got a pump on it, that's what I buy. But I ran out. And so I took some of my wife's body wash. This was like three months ago. Yes.

And now if I've got the choice. All through the day, I'm like, dude, I smell great. I love this. And so now if I've got a choice. You the day i'm like dude i smell great i love this and so now if i'm going to jason exactly the sweeter the better if i'm in a shower or a bath and there is an option between a manly uh marketed body wash or the or the bark oh if or the just the sweetest sugariest body wash it and the rest of the day is fantastic yeah we we have a my my wife has we have a pineapple mango in the shower you think i don't use that why would i want to smell men all day like that's you know what i mean like jason realized he could smell like he likes his wife smells and he realized he could smell the same smell this way too so that's certainly on my list and i will

say i haven't i i think i've actually only had one or two and i needed to get back but uh i you can't go out right now but uh pedicures manicures oh you've mentioned that before fellas let me do it let me let me let me break it down for you pedicure is code for foot massage that's what that's what it is do you like a foot massage yeah but you're wrong mike but you're wrong and here's why oh here okay explain where that's a foot tickle though no no i love foot massages i'll go to reflexology places where it's where you get like a 60 minute foot massage and that's that's my jam um but when it comes to the pedicure the difference is the toenails and i apparently oh well yeah they're gonna do your toenails i can't have my i can't i

can't deal with it and neither can my boys it's like all right i haven't even told them how bad i am at getting my toenails clipped or clipping them like even yourself you can't clip even my nails i i do i do clip my own toenails but it's like wow it's a it's a murderous event that's a weird thing it's super weird because my boys have it exactly like i do and i'm always like you know i'm telling them you oh come on because you're walking around saying this is terrifying no that's what i'm saying i've never told them that i'm terrible as well they are naturally the exact same way i am so i and what's crazy is i have no empathy for them at all none it's like because i

want to break them of that whatever is in me but i think it might be this genetic you know my this is like 23 and me needs to go and find the the dna part toenail clipping that says like you can't get your toenails clipped easily um so that's a look into my life aside from that yes they will clip your toenails and take care of that but they give you a foot rub if you get a manicure they give you a hand massage and your nails look great like we fellas fellas we have been missing out on a lot of stuff for a long time because it's not it's not manly oh the salon life and women women out there you've been life bro yes spa life is my jam it's i mean you and me mike we've always

been on the spa life outside of outside of a pedicure i am all in on spa life and women you're missing out on cutting down trees so there you go uh dalton from patreon at what point does a pond become a lake oh my goodness now i i'm so tempted to google the definition of a easy answer for me this is a super easy answer for me okay it's when you can't see all of it at once from every part of it all of it every shore every oh oh that's a good definition if if if i if there's a piece of the shore that i can't see it's a lake if from all sides of it i can see everything it's a pond that's if you google that has to be the real hold on hold on if you go to a golf course jason and you're playing a course and you hit the ball

into the what do you hit it into a pond or do you hit it into a lake no that's a pond i've never seen a uh a water feature on a golf course that i can't see unless it's like a river oh you just hit it into the pond yeah do they call it that is no they call it a lake at a golf course that's my point no they don't yes they absolutely it's a water hazard yes that's what i do do that all right here's the definition of a pond all right uh a hold oh wait a small body of water formed naturally or by a hollowing or embanking it's either formed naturally or you could just dig one usually listen listen listen pond definition is a body of water usually smaller than a lake

well because i looked up the lake definition a large body of water surrounded by land. Like what? It's not in an aquarium? What bodies of water are not going to be surrounded by land eventually? I am now just picturing Jason. His occupation is like his whole job is just he determines if something is a pond or a lake. Oh, yeah. They call him out there.

The surveyors call him out there. And people bring him out. Yeah. Like Jason Moore is coming. We gotta make sure that this thing looks great. And him standing at the edge covering his brow with his hands, blocking out the sun.

Can I see the other side? It's a pond. It's not just the other side. I'm so sorry to tell you this. This is a pond. I've got bad news for you, but I can see the entirety of the shoreline a little grease over here a couple hundos out so now the lake i'm looking up the difference between a lake and a pond and some people are saying it has has to do with the depth that if it's got if it goes

that makes more sense sunlight does not get um except then what if it's just like really small circumference? That's called a well. This thing's 80 feet deep. I've always thought of a pond as stagnant. That's actually in my head. I think a pond is something that is stagnating and will go away because

there's not enough of it. It's just like a pond is kind of gross and a lake is kind of better than a pond. I believe that the world from this point on will adopt my new definition of what makes... Can you see all sides of the lake? What is a swimming pool, Jason? Is that a pond?

Oh, I call those pools, Andy. is this swimming pool jason is that oh i call those pools andy a man-made water feature surrounded by concrete and plaster you call that a pool neat i call that a pool yeah i mean a pool the difference between a pool and a pond is just cement yeah right yes it's not land it's not settled it's settled all right. Let's draft. The Spitballers draft. Oh, man. All right. We are drafting the perfect summer barbecue.

Oh, it's nice outside. You got to get outside some fresh air. Maybe you're going swimming if you're in the Southwest or somewhere where it's warm. Maybe you're just throwing the football around. Maybe you're all alone. Maybe. What is the perfect summer barbecue? Foods on a plate, a meat, two sides, and a beverage.

That is what we are drafting. And Jason has the first pick. Man, this is really, really tough because I don't like having the first pick here. And I'm trying to think strategically. There's so many side dishes out there where I feel like okay I could pivot a million different directions there's really only two

meats that I really want at my there's deeper things I think I'll do alright in the polls and then for a beverage I really enjoy this commentary trying to make the best first pick. You're pulling up to the barbecue.

You're grabbing your paper plate. And what's the first thing you're putting on it, Jay? That's what you got to answer. I think you're trying to distract me there by putting it on the plate. Because that's saying you don't want me to take a drink. But I think at a barbecue, I'm going to take a beer.

I'm going to take the category. I'm going to take the category because playing this game out, you know, you got some sodas or I don't know, water's good. But I feel like when you're having a big barbecue event, that's in there. Hey, Mike. Mike, what am I going to take, Mike? What am I going to take? Look, this is – Baggers. Take the mike what am i gonna take look how did you you got mentally outworked just now in front of everybody yeah i did what did you just

do what an idiot well here's why let me explain why i've got the burgers here's why. Let me explain why. I've got the burgers. Here's why. Because burgers are the clear first thing. But I don't like burgers as much as other meat. And I know, Mike, you take burgers over everything. Mike was taking burgers if I didn't take them. It was really 1,000%. Yes, I know. So I just, I guess, I couldn't do that to my other meat and take burgers over it, even though it's the clear best barbecue food.

You always have a reason. I mean, look. I mean, that's not bad. We do what we do for reasons. That's a good point. All right. We've got Jason with the beer. I've got the burgers.

And Mike's got the? So this is a situation. I feel like I have to take the meat that I want because Jason will not let it come back. And I don't even know if it's the one that Jason's going to take, but I'm just going to do it anyways because this is a barbecue, so I will take barbecue ribs. Okay.

Okay. You got to get the ribs when you're at the when it's a real bbq and not just this the the podunk arizona where we grill and we're like we're having a barbecue and it's just when we grill hot dogs and in as we hamburger and burgers right you're the number one pick yeah that's grilling that's grilling but yes you said that the number one pick right should be burgers right i would take burgers because i want burgers over everything yeah it is grilling though sadly i've been to i've been to zero dot zero barbecues that had barbecue ribs on the grill i have been because they aren't barbecues they're somewhere real out are in this definition.

That's the distinction I made at the beginning of the show. At the beginning of the show, I said barbecue is not just because it's got barbecue sauce. It's grilling. We're going out to a cookout. That's what this really is. I thought we were drafting the best barbecue meal. Ribs is a great pick. It was one of the four meats that i had written down as potentials

this is great news it means i get my meat that i wanted first with my last pick that that is that is very excellent my guess to pick again and man there's one particular beverage that i want to grab i don't know if and Andy will take it or not. So I'm going to gamble. I'm going to gamble on that. And I'm going to... Look, to me, honestly, to me, you aren't at a barbecue

unless you got baked beans. That's a good pick. If you don't have ribs and beans, honestly, you're at a grill out. You're not at a barbecue. So I will take ribs and beans, honestly, you're at a grill out. You're not at a barbecue. So I will take ribs and baked beans. That's very good. I can tell you that beans had a very low percentage chance of coming back to you.

All right. All right. I got one of them. Yeah. Beans are on my list, too. And it's all about that iconic. What's in your head when you think about going to a barbecue? Beans. Beans are in my head for. And it's all about that iconic, what's in your head when you think about going to a barbecue? Beans.

Beans are in my head for sure. Yeah. All right. So coming back to me, I got to decide whether I want to go beverage or I want to go with a side. Now, it makes no sense to go with the beverage because Jason already took one. I was very curious why you were even thinking about it. Well, I can't pick another meat. So I got to go with the side.

Jason will make a couple of picks, and then maybe I come back with my beverage since Mike doesn't have his yet. I'm going to go with potato salad. Oh, it's so good. I was torn between the beans and the potato salad because I love potato salad. Well, they're sharing a spot on the table.

I mean, they're both sitting right next to each other. They've got to share a spoon. If you aren't eating the beans and the potato salad at the exact same time, then you aren't doing it right. I was going to say, you share that spoon. Guess what? No harm done. No harm done.

It's fantastic. Back and forth we go. No problem. So I've got a burger and potato salad, and Jason's back on the clock. All right. All right. So, look, I already know I'm getting what I could have taken with my first pick with my last pick. That's fantastic. So my strategy has played out great. I got the beverage of choice, and I pretty much am getting two of my favorite side dishes of choice here. I get two picks. Am I correct?

That is correct. The first is going to be a baked potato. Okay, you're at a cookout. You bake these potatoes. My wife makes unbelievable baked potatoes on the grill. It's one of our favorite dishes. It's basically like you get... Nothing says barbecue like beer and a baked potato. That's right. That's right. A nice cookout.

I'm telling you, this is great. Well, let the Morris do it up a little more uh we do a bougie barbecue baby here's here's what i'm gonna say i'm gonna say at the end of this if you look at these meals that we have prepared uh between the three of us and you say which one is the best maybe barbecue foods you might pick someone else's but then we say okay now go to one of these houses and enjoy your meal where do you want to go they're all coming to the moore's house my baked potatoes are great you know what else is great what grilled corn on the cob that is barbecue you know you get your vegetables but you don't have to get any of the nutrition that's what i'm looking for sure uh

corn on the cob is a is an all the calories none of the vitamins barbecue food no question good pick jason good thanks i'm going to uh i don't think it's the beverage mike was alluding to that he wanted to get but i'm taking what i picture in my head the second I think of going to a barbecue, which is soda. I'm going to take soda. So burger, potato salad, and soda. Which is fine. It's all yours, Mike. I'm curious what your beverage choice. We're coming up aces over here, everybody.

I get to finish off my draft, so I've started with the ribs. I got the beans. I will take the other side. I would have taken potato salad 100%. I'm not going to lie and disparage the deliciousness that is potato salad. I will take the runner up. I will take coleslaw. Coleslaw with baked beans is also a tremendous combination.

Coleslaw is a fabulous choice. Coleslaw is great. Underrated. Here's why it's underrated. Because a lot of people hate coleslaw, and the reason they hate coleslaw is great underrated coleslaw but here's why it's underrated because a lot of people hate coleslaw and the reason they hate coleslaw is because some coleslaw is so stupid and awful and bad it can be bad it's got such a wide range of wide range of outcomes yes a good coleslaw is unbelievably good and there are some that's like i'm eating just giant shreds of cabbage

with no sweetness and get that out of my life. Well, it's a complimentary dish. I want it on my, like, I eat it with. Put that on a pulled pork sandwich. Now we're talking. I like it. All right. And I got my beverage of choice.

I gambled, and I will take lemonade. Oh, okay. Lemonade, baby. It's the summer. It's hot. I want take lemonade. Oh, okay. Lemonade, baby. It's the summer. It's hot. I want some lemonade. I had, now that we've all drafted them, my four beverages were soda, beer, lemonade, and then Kool-Aid.

No water. Water would have been on my, I would have gone beer or water. But is that boring? That is terrible. Yeah, that's a terrible pick. We live in Arizona, and sometimes when you're outside, we need water or we're going to die. We do. That is terrible. Yeah, that's a terrible pick. We live in Arizona, and sometimes when you're outside, we need water or we're going to die. We do. That is true. I mean, I guess lemonade is basically like water with some lemon and sugar.

I got a pick now. I got to pick another side, and I'm excited. Oh, crap. I like it. I can't take two things. I have a burger, potato Oh, crap. I like it. I can't take two things. I have a burger, potato salad, soda. No, you have one more pick. That means you cannot take two things.

Well, tell us what it is because I can't pick a side. So what two sides are you thinking about? My two sides? Look, I'm going to take watermelon. Okay. All right. I'm taking watermelon because it's an iconic barbecue. That's what I picture in my mind having a barbecue.

But the other one was ice cream. I mean, obviously, ice cream was going to be. Oh, really? It wasn't even the one I was thinking of. No, I mean, I have a bunch of other ones written down, too, that I was thinking about. Grilled pineapple. Oh, so good. Yeah, but watermelon to me is like, that's a barbecue.

Okay, go ahead, Jay. Then I'll bring up my well i i just need to make a quick psa here for everyone we've got a very large audience and no doubt there are people that are listening who are i know where you're going instacart shoppers or any kind of uh whatever program is in your area where uh you know people are doing grocery shopping online and having it delivered to their door a lot more if you are one of the people that are out there um who are picking out the the the product first of all thank you thank you for uh your work

out there uh doing the grocery shopping second it's not gonna end well a seeded watermelon to my door when we cut into this thing and there are black seeds you should be fired there's no one on planet earth why do they have those in the grocery store anymore do you know what i you know what we just got the other day a seeded a seeded watermelon why not on purpose we've gotten it twice delivered. Yeah, it's awful. It's filled with black seeds. How do stores sell those? We cut it and it's like, well, this is ruined. We've got to throw it away. Do they taste different?

No, not at all. I don't think of that. It's like oranges. Hey, Mike, let me ask you a question. Do you like mac and cheese or mac and cheese with rocks in it? Which do you prefer? You've got to pick one. That's a good one. They taste the same. like science we solved it we figured it out yeah thank you scientists yes yeah cancer still cancer still an issue but we did have

a fruit with those we got the fruits with no seeds figured out it um all right so now that's who's making it happen yeah so i'm gonna assume that yours is seedless watermelon andy because if it's seeded watermelon i ain't coming over. Yeah, I mean. Although you don't get to spit. You don't do the. Yeah, I'm happy to not get to do that. Give me some sunflower seeds.

We get Jason's meat choice now. Look, if I'm grilling, there's nothing better than steak. I want steak. I want a filet mignon. That's what I'm going to be putting on every single time. What barbecue are you going to? I'm going to the best barbecue of all time that is not a steak grilled corn oh this is the best i my jason have you ever showed up in the backyard of somebody else's house and they threw a filet on for you no but people have come over to my house where I do do that.

A hundred percent. Multiple times. What is happening? Many times. In fact, this week I have had people come over where I grill up filet mignons. Really nice one. This is three of four picks where Mike and I were just kind of like, wow. Look, here, let me just say this.

I'm on Ranker's list of best foods on a barbecue the number one on ranker is steak so y'all can eat it ahead of beef burgers which is second i am my mind is blown i thought for sure you were going brisket or pulled pork my four were nobody took hot dogs which is just a, hot dogs are a grilling. Honestly, that's what I want the most. Iconic perfection pick. And then pork ribs burgers.

That was the other ones that I had written down. So the side that I thought you were going to take was cornbread because cornbread is just a delight. Hot dogs are on the waiver wire. Is that what's happened? Hot dogs are in my belly. And we'll get the tweets. We'll get the tweets from the people. I'm drafting off the waiver wire, and I'm going to beat all your teams.

I would have loved to have been able to draft hot dogs with burgers, but I can only take one meat. Al, you're listening in here. Which barbecue is... Brats. Which one is the one that you you think wins this i'm gonna have to go with andy i think he's got the picks that come to my mind when i think of a backyard barbecue i'm just seeing if he always picks mike for everything and now he's really dissuaded now if you're going over to eat at one of these houses which one are you choosing i'll see you there buddy

uh that's that's gonna be jason's but you're darn right it is but you just drafted up the nicest steakhouse menu in town yeah are you jason how did you not draft like wine because you have the fanciest meal this is this is what i make at all my barbecues baked potatoes at your local backyard bar some nice steak corn on the cob oh my gosh a brewski oh that's a barbecue oh the only thing that makes yours a barbecue is your brewski that is it's the glue that makes the fancy work at the barbecue. Oh, my gosh. All right. Well, we learned something on the show. Yeah, we did.

What did we learn today? Jason doesn't know what a barbecue is. Jason's only been to fine dining restaurants. That's what I've learned. I learned that I think I would lose in a fight to the rock. That was a revelation. Look, it's eye-opening. When you really think about me versus The Rock,

who's going to win, and you put your personal bias away and you realize you would be stomped into the ground, it's tough. It's tough really. It's a hard moment. If you did a computer simulation of yourself versus The Rock like 5,000 times, do you ever win?

Do I have weapons? Nope. Then I think there could be one time where that's the moment that he unfortunately has a heart attack or something. Just like as I'm circling 5,000 times,

maybe he just tears an ACL or some crazy thing. So I'm going to give myself one. All right, that does it, Spitwads. Thanks for tuning in, supporting the show, listening in. Send us your questions. Find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. Give us your would-you-rathers and whatever else you want to hear.

We need draft ideas too. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.