Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Bath Sheets & Worst Places To Suddenly Have To Poop - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

Spit Hit for September 1, 2022: Jump in to today’s episode and learn all about the ‘blood tax’ and then tell us - would YOU rather pay that instead of ever paying income tax or sales tax again? We also get a sneak peak at Jason’s bath sheets, discuss summiting Mt. Everest, and choose where we would spend $10k. Then, in true Spitballers fashion, we draft the worst places to be when you suddenly have to poop. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's Spithit, we talk about the blood tax, which I don't even remember. Are we trading blood for money? Who knows? I mean, if you stick around, you will find out. We talk about climbing Mount Everest, something about Jason's bath sheets, which, I mean, you're not going to want to miss that. And, of course, our draft, the worst places to be when you suddenly have to poop. Make sure you tell your friends about the show and enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and

give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-boom, pow, splat, splat, woo-hoo, hee-hee-hee, ha-ha. What? What? What? What? What just happened?

There's a drought every once in a while. The rain doesn't come all the time. Sometimes the crops don't grow. Sometimes the scats don't flow. You got to start the show over. Yeah. I'll re-roll. Is that bad?

Re-roll. Oh, look. I'm not saying it's the worst one we've ever done. No, I agree with that, Mike. I'm also not saying it was the worst. Right. But, you know, there's been better ones. Boom, pow, splat.

Woo-hoo, hoo-hee-hee, hee-haw-haw. It also felt like it was out of sync with the music. There was not a good vibe. No. There was a few extra syllables. Welcome in. That was not a scat. That was a man falling down.

Like a man who had a bunch of stuff in his hands. Boom, pow, splat. And he tripped on the stairs and then everyone laughed at him i've i you know sometimes you you want to lay down your arms for these scats because you're you want jason to feel confident going into his and there's no way he doesn't feel more confident i'm on a hot streak i know that's what i'm saying like you i think you've overcome that theory i i'm going to be honest with you, and this obviously will be proven wrong in one, two episodes, but I think I've overcome my fear as well. I wasn't worried last go-round.

I'm not going to be worried anymore. We'll check back in in two episodes. Any chance, which proves it, you can overcome your spider fear. Not true. Not true. Al, is there any chance that you love that scat and these guys are way off? No, not a chance. No, he gave you a stock market down symbol in our chat here.

Now, Spitwads, I think we are 15 episodes away. Just as a reminder, I believe we are 15 episodes away from the greatest scat we have ever heard, part two. I don't think we're 15. I thought it had to be in the 80s, right? Or is it 175? I thought it was 166. Math is hard. Okay.

Well, it's coming soon. It's coming. 227. I did the math. No, that one's incorrect. So next week, Al Borland will be walking the scat. Oh, good point, Mike. Check your math.

What was episode 83, right? This clown trying to push it back. No, you're right. It was 83, so 166. Yeah, there you go. Really? Yeah. All right.

You know what? We run this company, right? Yeah. We do. We're moving it up one, 165. I love it. For that little math error. Every time you try and push it back.

Yeah, you get it one day sooner. Episode 165, let's look forward to it. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. We do have a great show for you today. Would you rather? We're entering the Situation Room, and we are drafting yet again. Mike is excited for this draft. I am so excited for this draft because when you know who you are

and you just fully embrace who you are as a person, I mean, that is freedom, my friend. That's when you really feel truly alive. And this draft is the most spitballers draft I think we have ever done. Boom, pow, splat. I see. Okay, okay. It makes a little bit more sense.

And then the heat. But what's the laughing? We'll figure it out. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Thank you so much for the very kind reviews and Apple Podcasts. Wherever you're listening, thank you for subscribing, following the show. Let's get it going. Would you rather?

I feel like maybe if you've overcome your fear, and I'm on what I would call a cold streak, then maybe it's been passed over here. Oh, okay. So mine are going to be the disasters. All it takes is another 150 shows, and then Mike will get it. Doubtful. He's had some whiffs.

Yeah, because when you're experimenting, like doing an experimental jazz journey, you don't always hit the right notes. What I didn't tell you is that was a beta version of a stat. That was not a full version. I haven't released the regular version of that bad boy. We'll call that an alpha, but we'll get to beta soon. All right.

Kelsey from Twitter has a would you rather question for us. Would you rather always have to shower under a single stream of water or only be able to dry off with a single washcloth? Both of those make me laugh a lot because picturing somebody showering with a single washcloth. Both of those make me laugh a lot because picturing somebody showering with a single stream of water. This is a very Jason question. Oh, yeah, it is.

I imagine the gears in your head right now are almost burning out. This is, you know, this is like, choose your death. How, you know, do you want to be eaten by sharks or piranha? know do you want to be eaten by sharks or or piranha what do you want um yeah i mean these are two really really important things to me um getting wet and drying off water pressure the amount of water pressure that you require yeah is it's it's it's

not a human amount it is used for power washing like hippopotamuses yeah we did my own hippo off the ground as it would be we did just change our shower i put a just a hose in the shower and i use i just do the thumb thing over the hose and i just spray myself down that's how i shower now even if it's the highest water pressure ever if it's a single stream oh then it's just cutting you in half if it's a single stream you're not getting a lot of coverage literally the only way that it's acceptable water pressure is you're leaving that shower bloody i mean you're just i mean how do you the problem is is like you need to clean yourself and you can't do it in any amount of time with a single stream of water have either of you two noticed because we have a shower here at the studio.

We play pickleball in the morning and then we'll come and clean ourselves up. Have either of you noticed that I have replaced my towel in there? No. No. I don't usually mess around with your towel, though. Imported? But if you saw the towel, I'm shocked that you guys have not noticed this um is this yeah al go go grab the towel um while while we're doing this is this a size thing

yes it's a little bit of a size and a plush do you do you have like a super jumbo size towel it's basically like have you seen a do you know what a blanket is i've yeah i've seen a blanket in my time. A really nice thick blanket. Yeah, so these are two things near and dear to me. But there's also... You dry off with a blanket? Basically, yeah.

That sounds awful. Okay, we're looking at it now. We'll report to the... I'm not sure that this is going to show up or not. Oh, it's an excellent throw. No, Mike and I can hold it. This is a... If you're watching on the YouTubes... Okay, this is I can hold it. This is a, if you're watching on the YouTubes.

Okay, this is a very large towel. This is a blanket. They call this a bath sheet. It is not called a towel. A bath sheet? Oh, my gosh. Well, this is how the show should be from now on. It's excellent.

This is my cape sometimes. Okay. But this has to be. No, that sounds awesome. Yeah, no, it's great man i'll get you the link that's called the man swaddler um but you you have to take the washcloth here i mean because mike you do mike you do have to that if you have really strong water pressure with one little laser beam of water that's we've all seen water cutting things like on you look up a youtube video like

i'm using the water to cut this it's it's basically making water thinner though doesn't cut your skin but it's but no but you have to have enough water pressure to wash something like you know i would rather dry water pick it's like a flossing water pick i would rather dry very slowly but be clean than i would not be clean. Because I would be making business decisions if I had a single stream because I can't spend two hours in there. Right. I'd be going like, I'm hitting the pits, hitting a few other spots,

and then I'm out. And, you know, we can Jerry Maguire this thing. You know, you can air dry. You can air dry? Yeah, you can air dry. Yeah, you can just, you know. Been there, done that. You've done a full air dry? Yeah, you can air dry. Yeah, you can just, you know. Been there, done that. You've done a full air dry?

Not a full. Not from a completely soaking wet. Maybe an Arizona sun. I'd go outside. Oh, there you go. Do some laps. You go outside, you just do a 360. That's all you do.

You walk outside, and you turn slowly around like you're in a microwave. You walk back inside, and you're dry and sunburned. I was going to say, and you treat the sunburns. All right. Antonio, one of our supporters over on Patreon. Thank you, Antonio. You can go to jointhespit.com if you want to support the show. Which would you rather have more of, time or energy?

Interesting. I got it. This is a very important question. And last night, I was super tired and I had to go to bed really early. And I was super bummed because I wanted to stay up and do stuff. And I was just like, man, I'm just dead. I think this is an easy answer because you can have all the time in the world, but just as you described, if you're out of energy, you're getting nothing done.

We've all had the weekend hit. You've been planning all week, okay, this is my big project. I can't wait for Saturday. You wake up Wednesday, oh, man, Saturday's coming. I'm so excited to hit this project running. Then you get there, and you have all the this project running. Then you get there and you have all the time because you have the day off and you have no energy and you get nothing done. We've all done that. So I'm easily taking the energy because I feel like extra energy means

extra time. I know people, one of them is sitting at this table here, but I know other people as well that are so productive with the time they have. you know, that I just, I look and I think, man, I wish, I wish I could do that much off my checklist every day. And I know that if you added hours to it, you would just watch more shows. I'd get in more TV, man. And I'm running out of shows to watch, so I don't even need more time. It has to be energy. It has to for me. I mean, I don't know. Maybe for Andy, the energy man wakes up with a coffee. You put coffee in that man.

There's a lot of things getting done. But it burns hot. Yeah. Yeah, I burn out. I mean, that morning efficiency, though, that thing is, if I could keep that for the day, that's like being a child again. Because they have it for the whole day. Except you want to get stuff done.

Right. You don't want to just play Minecraft. Or just run in circles. Or just jump on furniture. Right. That's what my children love. That's how much extra energy they have. They have to jump on furniture.

There's no choice. What is it about the furniture that they want to jump on? It's unbelievable, man. My littlest Isaac, there's nothing he likes more in the world than jumping on the furniture that they want to jump on. It's unbelievable, man. My, my littlest Isaac, there's, there's nothing he likes more in the world than jumping on the furniture. And especially if he knows he's not allowed. If you gave yourself social permission to jump on furniture today,

Mike, you would love it. You would just do it. Yeah. You'd leap onto the couch. You hop up onto the chair. It's a massive injury waiting to happen. Okay.

Maybe there's that, but you're like, there are very few rules in the house. And one of them is you can't jump on the chair. It's a massive injury waiting to happen. Okay, maybe there's that. But you're like, there are very few rules in the house, and one of them is you can't jump on the furniture. That's because you're trying to preserve it. If you had a new couch thrown up every day, you'd be jumping all over it. Disposable couches. Yeah, baby.

Jump away. We're throwing that one out. That's right. I plan to wear my red shirt today. What is this couch doing here? That's right. Okay, Kate from the website. Which would you rather hear first, the good news or the bad news?

Oh, man. We've all been asked. Age-old question there. I got good news. I got bad news. What do you want to hear? But have you ever had... How good is the good news?

How bad is the bad news? Have you ever had one where both of them are extreme? Okay. All right. Let's set that up. You win $10 million. That's the good news. The bad news is your dog died.

Right. Okay. Those are both extreme. Yes. Which would you want to hear first? Man. I think. Would it help? I got to hear the good? Man. I think... Would it help?

I got to hear the good news first. I think so. You got to hear the good news, because if it's that extreme, you could say, oh, your dog passed away, but you did win $10 million. It poisons it. Yeah, it will no longer be good news. I see what you're saying. Two months later...

Yeah, but one heck of a funeral. You're going out, Fido. You're going out like a boss. It's televised. It's fully televised. Golden casket. But I think that the impact, we all have these things. You remember the losses more than you remember the wins.

The burns hurt. So I need to have at least a couple seconds where the purity where i have some good news even though i will be in a full panic attack because i know that the bad news is coming yeah the joy is unadulterated when you've only had good news and that's great news but but actually mike you do bring this up when you're listening to the good news you're already waiting for the bottom so i think you have to get i think you have to get the bad news first because you know the bad news is coming. And so it's not as pure as you hope. If it was like, I get to choose this answer.

I would rather get good news before bad news forever. And you don't know it's coming. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like I've got good news. I've got bad news. What do you want to hear first? It's just I have made a declaration on my signup sheet for life that says I checked the box of good news first. Also, that's very rude of the messenger.

Right. I mean, take it upon yourself to make the decision for this person who is about to hear both good and bad news. If you're the messenger. I got some bad news. Which one do you want first? No, don't do that. Just make the decision. Just walk up to someone say and tell them the

reason they they do that is because of the fact that they want you prepared for the counterbalance they want you to know that look i've got something great to tell you but i also got something bad to tell you i think you can walk up and say i have good news and i have bad news the good news is start yeah you just go just launch it to it don't give someone don't give me the time to sit in that decision good news is you won 10 million dollars yeah bad news is i lost it i i think you leave like great news net neutral good and great yeah uh well no then then you got to lead with the bad the bad news is i just spent 10 million dollars the good news is you won 10 million dollars they leave thinking i got 10 million dollars no sir no sir i already spent it that was that was your money i'm going with the bad news spent $10 million. The good news is you won $10 million. They leave thinking, I got $10 million. No, sir.

No, sir. I already spent it. That was your money. I'm going with the bad news first. I want the bad news first because- Anticipation for bad news is tough. Yeah, that's tough. And I think that I'll feel-

Look, I don't want to say I'm going to be soup sappy at the end of learning about these two things, but I think I'll be, look, I don't want to say I'm going to be soup sappy at the end of learning about these two things, but I think I'll be pretty happy. You know what I mean? Dogs are good. You'll be okay in two months. Yeah. I'm getting a litter in his memory.

All right. This question is, stay with me on it. It is a funny one. Would you rather pay a blood tax to mosquitoes instead of real taxes? So you don't pay real taxes, but I'll explain what this blood tax is going to be. Or you pay double the income and sales tax, but you're immune to mosquito bites. And there are places in this country. This must be a bad blood tax.

Here's the blood tax. Every year, once a year, instead of paying regular U.S. taxes, you go down to the old swamp, you take off all your clothes, and you stand in a T-pose. No undies? Appears not. Let's give them

undies. We need to protect some things. While a large swarm of mosquitoes lands on you and feeds for 15 to 30 minutes. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Am I dead? Have I lost all my blood?

Hold on. You can't spray yourself or the mosquitoes with bug spray. You can't swat at them. And in exchange, you never pay money for any taxes ever again. We got to lock this down. 15 to 30? Let's call it 15. It's called double.

I just need to know. what is the margin 15 minutes t-pose at the swamp to pay your blood tax but then you never pay regular taxes ever again that's but it's that's impossible and every i want to choose that but that you could not make it 15 minutes is there a time period where it's you would do it is it a minute i don't one minute of enduring mosquito bites without scratching. I'm saying easily that I would attempt it. 100%. You don't think you could do it? Dude.

Five minute blood tax? You've been bitten by a mosquito, right? Yes. Yes, I have. You're being fed on. They're eating you for five minutes. Can I at least get just a face shield or something so they're not going in my mouth? Yeah, I mean, I think we protect.

This is not about like, oh, no, you got, you know, your eyeball drain. Choking on mosquitoes. This is. I have a helmet on. You got a helmet and some undies on. Yeah, but the rest of you is up for grabs. And they're going to town. And honestly, you probably want to wear gloves just to stop yourself from itching, you know,

at least like little finger mittens. No, you can't do gloves. Your hands have to be exposed. Okay. Little thimbles on your fingers so you can't scratch. I could thimble scratch for sure. After it's over, they strap you down for this. They need to strap you down.

No, but I like the part where you have to be able to endure it. If you strap you down, that's not a problem. 15 minutes is just too long. But it is a problem, Mike, because here's the thing. You said, have I ever been bitten by a mosquito? Yes, absolutely. Everyone has. Well, I guess some people, for some reason, don't.

Mosquitoes aren't attracted to them. I have never been bitten by a mosquito and gone, ow! Like, it doesn't hurt. I don't even know usually. It's not the process of being bitten. It's tomorrow. Tell you what, Mike's going to be growing back his arm hair real quick. It's the next day when it itches.

This is all I can grow, Auntie. Oh, my bad, man. I thought you saved that. Well, that's embarrassing. This is all my tea allows. Okay, all right, man. I see mosquitoes can't land on my arms, dude. There's no way in.

Could you imagine a full-body mosquito bite? You're itching everywhere at all times for days. It's not just the tax at time of deposit. How long does that take? A week? To go away? Two weeks? You get right in an aloe vera bath.

That's where I slide right in. It takes a week and you definitely have to fill a bathtub with aloe vera. I mean, I'm trying to do it. I don't know if I can make it. The whole procedure, too, makes me laugh. Like every year you have to say, all right, guys, I'll see you in a couple days. I'm going down to the swamp to pay my blood tax to the Mosquito King. We'll make it easy for math.

We'll go 10 minutes. Okay. Every minute you make is 10% off of your taxes. Okay. Would you do it? If I'm driving all the way to the swamp, I'm just pushing through. But at the risk of if you, man, but if you scratch, it's done. Yeah. You're out. I'm in. I'm going scratch, it's done. You're out.

I'm in. I'm going to give it a go. Oh my goodness. Taxes. I don't know how long I can make it. Yeah, I have to apologize to Uncle Sam, but you ain't getting my money. I'm taking the blood tax. The blood tax it is. Alright, let's move on. The Situation Realm. alright let's move on the situation realm alright Clancy from Twitter

submits this situation to us your local wizard has given you the opportunity to purchase a video that contains a highlight reel of all the best moments from a decade of your life which decade do you pick? Do you pick birth to 10, 11 to 20, 21 to 30,

or in our case, 31 to 40, because we're all encroaching on 40? What would you pay for that? Oh, I thought the question was going to be you have to pick which one. Oh, yeah. The question is both which decade would you pick and what would you pay for it so let's start with the decade now i have mine's done i know it well okay then jump in here it's 11 to 20 okay do you tell i think i might be wrong but i'm starting to think about like i feel like part of it has to do with what I've forgotten in my life.

Okay. And 11 to 20, you get a lot of the grade school, the friends, the childhood memories, high school. I like that period of my life. Yeah, it's the most nostalgic part of your life. It's the formative years. And having memories of that time period, like I remember, not perfectly, but I remember the birth of my kids. I remember my wedding.

I don't remember a lot of the in-between of 11 to 20, and it would be neat to go back and see life that way. And what would I pay for it? I don't know. I'd pay like 10 grand for that. You'd probably pay more. You'd probably pay more.

I'd probably pay more. If it came down to it. But that's why I... I mean, 11 to 20 is the one that jumps out, and all the reasons you laid out. But I do have memories of 11 to 20. Right. And, I mean, they may not be 100% accurate of what happened, but that's how I remember it. Meanwhile, birth...

You were better looking in your memories than you really were. Yes, of course. But meanwhile, birth to 10, how many... I mean, you're going to have a couple core memories. Yeah, like three or four. But how many... Like, to go back and go, holy crap, look at my parents. Look at my highlights.

Do you want to watch yourself build a little block tower, though? Was that the highlight? I don't know. It might have have been i smashed some puzzles right age zero to ten you colored outside the lines for a bit do we get to open these highlights like an nba top shot like it was a mad jam and then you open the pack and you're like oh this is when i finished that puzzle slam these are all the best moments okay i just making sure there weren't some bad moments that open up those packs. Oh, no, no, no. This is where I got grounded for lying. That was a big moment in my upbringing.

What are you picking, Jay? So unlike you guys, I don't remember things. Mike's like, I remember all these things. I remember my- You don't remember your wedding? Well, I remember I got married, for sure. i remember that every day when i look at my hand uh i remember that my kids were born and i do have i have they were i have you know i have like that they were born i have like a couple photos in my mind like my memories i can think of the moment of the birth i can think of the moment

of seeing my wife in the dress but like that's it's so shallow when I really stop and think about it so I'm taking the 21 to 30 because that was like the biggest life moment right and I'm hoping that you know this this thing is is in depth it's a real documentary series behind the scenes here if I go 21 to 30 i mean there's gonna be a lot of azeroth there's gonna be the first all your highlights are just you in front of a computer the onyxia raid the first time i made it through montcourt dropping people off of dragons you didn't realize watching your memories was just watching the you sit at a computer oh man these highlights you know what i paid for these world of warcraft

highlights a lot ten thousand dollars it has been fun like i have a handful of old photographs of me on the computer and like because i did a lot of web design that was like the thing i like doing and seeing all the old technology has made me laugh like when we had the really thick computer monitors or when we had like zip disks and... Oh man, yeah. The zip drive was the future. You need the right mix of nostalgia in there. I'm going 11 to 20. Okay. As am I.

Jason, you are... 21 to 30 and I will pay $11 for this. Okay. You'll just forget the highlights after you watch them anyway. Yeah, I mean, it's like if I'm not watching them, they're already gone. All right. This question comes in from a supporter, Avatar on Patreon.

You were given one year to get into shape and develop the skills to summit Mount Everest. You don't have to worry about work or money. You can spend everyday training. Okay. You get a full team to help you. Okay. Physical trainers, mountaineering experts, dieticians. Yes. We get a Sher Okay. You get a full team to help you. Okay. Physical trainers, mountaineering experts, dieticians. Yes.

We get a Sherpa. You get a Sherpa. Absolutely, man. You probably don't need them until you get to the mountain. You have to have a Sherpa. Yeah. If you can successfully summit Everest after a year, you never have to work again. Can you make it to the top?

Yes. Can you make it to the top, Jason? Yes. I believe so. Can you? Well, look. There's one way to find out. can you make it to the top Jason yes I believe so can you well look there's one way to find out you guys want to pay my salary and give me all these people and give me

a year it's tempting but if you don't make it then you owe us five million dollars well if he doesn't make it okay if I don't make it you can take whatever you want. I don't care.

I'm gone. You'll never find. I'm never coming back down. According to Al, about 6,000 people have ever made it, and 350 have died. That number seems low. That seems real low. That seems promising for this guy. But these are all trained people, so 350 out of 6,000 trained.

If we do that math. I'm locking it in. You got a 6% chance of death if you're trained as a mountaineering person. All right. I've made a big mistake. I've made a huge mistake here. I think I've really underestimated Everest here. Because the more that I think about it, and this isn't due to the 350 number this is just due to I would say more than five seconds of hearing the question

Mount Everest is the you know the it's up there it's up there it's way up that's what they say but I mean this is something people train for far more than a year. They're basically hiking their entire lives. They've been years and years. You don't go and do Everest first, right? No, you don't. You work your way up to Everest. And I have worked my way to flat ground right now. Like that's where I'm, I mean, I can do some stairs, but I don't enjoy them.

A hill is probably something I'm avoiding. Right now, you haven't trained for it. I haven't trained for the hills yet. I mean, if I'm on, like, an electric scooter and it's paved, I could take a hill. But otherwise, I think that, so, yeah, I'm dead on Everest for sure. You might die at the base camp. What does a Sherpa do? They're just, like, I'm dead on Everest for sure. You might die at the base camp. What does a Sherpa do? They're just like your guide.

Okay. I didn't know if they were like a shaman. Do they carry you? Give you a lift? Yes. If I can get four guys to hold the poles as they carry me up the mountain. I'll probably still die. It'll be very cold. It's going to be really cold.

I don't think I could do it. I think we could all get into the physical shape necessary in terms of your body in a year of training. But I don't think the oxygen and the breathing and the cardio and the actual mountaineering could get done in that amount of time. The habits and the knowledge of what to do in certain situations. I remember listening to a podcast where someone who was an actual avid, the seven tallest mountains in the world, they'd climb. Oh, Brody? Yeah, I know you listened to it.

He's a fascinating guy, if that's in fact his name. This goes by Brody. Fascinating guy, if that's in fact his name. This goes by Brody. Hearing all the details and the things that inevitably will go wrong and you have to make decisions to reroute yourself or something, like, I am dead. I mean, I'm just gone. No chance I could do Everest.

The one way that you could do it is if you can do it like that tandem skydiving. If you could strap yourself to on the back of a Sherpa. But now it's two people. Now that Sherpa has to do some training. Look, I'm a lot of weight to carry around. Mike? I think I could do it.

Oh, really? Yeah. I really do. I really think. If you gave me a year and I had all the... Every day, all day long. Yeah, I could make it. Well, Andy, are you in agreement? We're going to send him... Well, obviously I'm going now because I'm a competitive guy.

So Mike and I are going to both be ascending the mountain. I get to own 100% of this company soon. Fantastic! All right, the only rule is whoever dies, the other one gets to mock them for it. Oh, I would expect nothing less. Okay. Caleb from Patreon says, Your local wizard. Oh, I would expect nothing less. Okay. Caleb from Patreon says,

Your local wizard. Oh, boy. He's back again. Your local wizard is feeling kind of bad for all the mean things he has done to you over the past 150 episodes. I doubt that. Has a conscience.

He's a liar. Yeah, he's rude. He offers you a $10,000 gift card to any single store of your choice, but it expires 30 minutes from when you walk in the door. What store are you heading to? So wait, you got 30 minutes to pick something out. Is that the gist there?

Yeah. And so you can buy a lot of things or one expensive thing. You don't get to save it. You don't get to use it on a grocery store and get free groceries for a year. And it's like a coupon code. Yeah. If you don't use it, you lose it. The first thing that came to mind for me was just Best Buy.

Yeah, that was the top one for me. You know, because we love electronics. It is boring. And really, most Best Buys don't have the top, top, top end stuff. Like the TVs that are... Not for Captain Super Towel over here. I'm talking about... Well, look, this is a $10,000 gift card.

Like, let's say you wanted to put together a $10,000 super gaming computer, right? Like, just something that's, because it's free. This is for you. You've got 30 minutes. Do they, does the average Best Buy store, like, carry that stuff? That's what I'm thinking. Probably not enough. I mean, part of the reason you think of Best Buy is because every other store is closed down.

Like, to me as a kid, this would have been toys or us 30 minutes, fill the cart, hit the, you know, but now we're almost 40. So you're not going to toys. Questions actually are difficult for me these days. Like,

cause we don't sit around, like as a kid, you sit around with like your toy goals. Yeah. Like as an adult, you could sit around like, what do you want to do? Like get another Alexa or something.

I mean, I, a TV, a TV and computers. I mean, dude,, you could sit around like, what do you want to do? Like get another Alexa or something? I mean, a TV. TV and computers. I mean. Would you rather have furniture? Would you rather have $10,000 worth of furniture? No.

$10,000 shower head? Let me think about that. Does it up my water pressure? Oh, baby. The problem to me with the computer, and not that I don't spend money on computers, is does anything depreciate as fast as a car? Well, you can't resell a computer, really. Well, I'm saying you spend $10,000 on a supercomputer. That's crappy. In six months, you're like, here's this computer that was super at one time,

and now is just basic. Yeah, but it's free. This is a $10,000 gift card. But that's what I mean if a TV at least holds up long enough. I'm going to Costco. Oh, good answer, good answer. Yeah. I can close out that 30 minutes with tons of baked goods,

and I'm getting efficiency on the price. Have you ever seen back the glass case? Yes, the black. They have like $6,000 bottles of whiskey. Yeah. Where it's like, how? Okay. And every Costco.

How good could this possibly be? Every Costco has it, which is insane. Like, how many, does anyone ever buy something? Like, the people that are buying six $7,000 bottles of whiskey. Is that really worth that? That crowd is going like, I'm looking for a $7,000 bottle of whiskey. I will go to my local Costco. Or getting people with an impulse buy. Yeah, like, oh, look at that, honey. That must be really good.

Just put it in the cart. I can just imagine showing up at a fancy dinner and say, oh, I brought this wine for you. You got it at Costco. I have a membership over there. What's ironic is this might be the right answer. Because if you ever wanted to find out, because everyone has the curiosity. Everyone looks in that case and you go, what? There's no way, right?

There's no way that this. There is not. I know the answer. We all know the answer. We do. We know the answer. There's no way it's. Yes, this tastes like a whiskey.

Yeah. That's funny. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Mike brought it up. This may be the most Spitballers draft of all time. Yes. We are drafting the worst places to be when you suddenly have to poop.

Oh, yeah. Which, look, there's some nightmare scenarios out there. Yep. And, I mean, let's be clear about this. You got to go bad. This ain't some, like, like i'm gonna make it a long time this is no no there's an urgency that will end in a mistake you do not want to fart in this situation you cannot gamble no you will lose so i have the 101 in this draft, after my scat was so good. Hee hee hee. Yeah.

It was a little robotic, too. Hee hee. Ha ha. Hoo hoo. My number one pick is going to be at the altar. It's on my list. It's on my list. I'm going to choose.

I'm up there. I'm ready to recite my vows. I've got to stand up there in my suit. Yep. In front of everybody. God forbid it's a white one. Oh, man. The tum-tum. You're in a white suit? My father was in a white suit for his wedding.

What a boss! Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah, man. And that's why he knows Papa Skids. Papa Skids. The early 80s, man. They were a heck of a time. That is actually super boss. That's a baller move.

All his groomsmen were in baby blue, and he was in white. Oh, man. Yeah. But, yeah, that would be worse. Either way, the pressure of all the eyes, attention, you've got your vows, you've got that moment. The emotional stress already. Ask yourself this question.

Has anybody actually? 100%. emotional stress already ask yourself this question has anybody actually 100 i mean somebody out there had to tell the officiator of the service hold on a second i have to go yeah i mean that's a divorce that's immediately that there's no way that marriage is sticking together i mean you're doomed you're doomed if you can't get through without uh we can't get through without a two as they say yes let me let me tell you guys that's the wedding that's the at the altar wedding let me tell you guys the worst thing i have on my list this is not my pick obviously it's not my turn but i looked at

my list and i have wedding ceremony on my list not i didn't have the idea to be the groom. At the altar. The groom. Just, I'm watching someone's wedding. What an awful thing. Like, ha ha, I'm going to have to sneak out the back, but this is really important. I'm going to miss you saying your vows. What an idiot. I got to re-look at my list now and up the stakes here a bit. That's a great pick. Thank you.

Yeah, I think that's the one-on-one for me of, you're not living that down. Yeah. When you leave for the bathroom at the altar, just leave. Don't come back. That's a great pick. Thank you. Yeah, I think that's the one-on-one for me of you're not living that down. Yeah. When you leave for the bathroom at the altar, just leave. Don't come back. That's right. Yeah. It was on my list. Do you think that's why when you get stood up, the bride doesn't show up?

That's most likely. She's got diarrhea. She was almost there, but then she was too embarrassed. That has nothing to do with you. It's about number two. Yeah. All right, Mike. It's very funny because it was uh the first thing i

thought of and then you you mentioned this activity earlier in the episode but i'm going with specifically tandem skydiving because that's not fun that's not just you you had that before i mentioned yeah i did oh my god you have somebody strapped to your back. Wait, wait. You're not the one on the back? No. You're in the front. Oh, no.

So someone's going to know when all of a sudden it gets real hot. Oh, man. In a certain region. And then what happens after you land? Is it like, is it just like a rain down? They detach you at that point. If you're mid-fall and they get the sense that you're dropping one, you're done. You're in tight pants.

It's not going to just slip out. It's staying with you the entire ride. Oh, man, that's bad. You better hope that parachute can still hold you up after it inflates. We need a weight check. That's bad. All right. that parachute can still hold you up after it. We need a weight check. That's bad. All right. Oh, man.

Okay. Okay. Well, I've got my stupid 101 on my list because you guys are coming up with straight fire here. But the thing that felt the worst to me is to be in a bad traffic jam. Yeah. Because if you're in a bad traffic jam. If there's nowhere to go. You're pooping in your car. Because if you're in a bad traffic jam, if there's nowhere to go,

you're pooping in your car. You're pooping in your pits, and then you're sitting in it. You can't... There's an accident. You're stopped on the road, and now you're just... I mean, roll them windows down. Or, you know, wipe the fog away from the windows.

I'm going to ask you an uncomfortable question, Jason. You're in that scenario. You're on the traffic jam. You have an empty 64-ounce cup to the side of you or your pants. Oh, it's my pants. Okay. Really? You're not attempting a maneuver.

Dude, I can't poop into a cup. I mean, especially not in a car seat. It's impossible. One dude, one cup? No, it especially not in a car seat. It's impossible. One dude, one cup? No, it's not. Could not happen. Okay.

So you've got to pick another. I'll pee in a cup, obviously. Yeah, yeah. All right. Been there, done that. Yeah, for the other one. So, you know. So traffic jam, that's good.

Yeah, this is probably a little recency bias. I'm moving, so I'm in a new neighborhood. Okay okay and i'm thinking i'm at the new neighbor's house so this is i just you know what i mean like oh like come on over for dinner i'm meeting someone new and i'm in their house and i'm about to destroy it yes because that like first impressions yeah welcome do you meet Jason? I came over, took a dump in my house. Like, the first time you meet someone, it's like, oh, excuse me for a second. I want to try your toilets. That would just be awful. I mean, what a weirdo.

And that relationship is forever ruined because either that person thinks you are a weirdo and I don't want to get to know you, or I am so embarrassed that I think that they think I'm a weirdo that I don't want to ever go back. So that's done. That ends the relationship instantly. Yeah. All right, back to you, Mike. All right.

It is a similar situation. I mean, a lot of these are going to be, you know, like. Is it awkward? Is it a bad way the area where bad way out yeah you you can't get out yeah uh broken elevator a broken elevator uh i'm going to assume there are people in there with you and now you are oh no that's way worse you up the ante no mike is bringing the heat a crowded broken elevator i was excited if there's one thing mike's played out scenarios in his life this is it a broken elevator is uh oh man there's so and when you said a broken elevator

i'm like okay that that that really that's no good but when you said there's people in there you're taking a poop in front of people like you're they're in the stall with you at this point there has got to be some time in history there's enough broken elevators somebody has been stuck in one long enough to have to go. Oh man. Do you just sit

in the corner? Yes. And just go? You don't want to stand. No, middle, Mike. You stand in the middle. Oh man. Excuse me. Excuse me. stand no middle mike you stand in the middle oh man excuse me excuse me you take you take center stage and then hold hold the hand up so everyone quiets down oh man it's a broken elevator. That's another great pick. My list is just so normal. My list is just like, oh, this would be a normal place.

Oh, my goodness. All right, Mike, you're bringing it. I will go my second pick. It's going to be in the dentist chair. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Because if you are, I don't know, maybe 10 minutes into an hour dental procedure, and you've got to go. I mean, you've got to tap out. Yeah.

But you've got to go. You've got the spacer. What if you've got a little bit of that nitrous in you? It loosens things up. I don't know. And what does the dentist do if he's in the middle of an important procedure? Mid-wisdom teeth. I don't know. I don't know. And what does the dentist do if he's in the middle of an important procedure? Mid-wisdom teeth. I don't know.

I don't know. But the dentist chair is not a place I want to have to figure it out. Oh, man. And I was with you, Jay. I had someone else's house on my list for sure because that is just not the impression you want to make. I guess I'm going to go with...

Oh, man, it's close. Which one's going to make i guess i'm gonna go with oh man it's close which one's gonna make it back i'm gonna i'm gonna go with this one i'm gonna say that this is more of a practicality and it costs you something at the end of a sports game oh so you've got you want to watch the last few seconds of a game i like it but got to make a run for the old toilet. This is why streaming online sports on your phone was invented. For when you got to try to survive these moments of watching runs while you have the runs. That's right.

Watching touchdown runs while you got the run. So I'm going to go the end of a sports game for my third pick. All right. Mike's like, check this one out. I can't wait. I can't wait to hear this one is not as extreme i just it this is another more of a practical situation during a job interview oh my that's a great one you're sitting down this is a job you need you you've been preparing for this your poop breaks aren't going to get you that job. No. And imagine the embarrassment.

Either way. I mean, well, the embarrassment of the poopy pants would be the ultimate. But, like, what do you do? Do you pause the interview? What do you do-do? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I guess you have to pause it, but just imagining that moment where you're not focused

on what they're asking you at all. You're getting the sweaty palms. You're trying to distract yourself in any way, rubbing your fingers together, doing the breathing. What kind of answers are you giving to those questions? They're quick, quick answers. Tell me a little bit about a project you might want to do here. This is a good project.

Just a good one. No. Nope is a good project. Just a good one. No. Nope. No. Pass. Next question. I'd like to build a toilet. I'd like to build a toilet for your company.

That's what I would bring to the table. I'd like to build a toilet. Oh, my goodness. Okay. That's another great pick, Mike. You are coming up roses on this. Coming up brown roses over here. All right.

Two more for Jason. Two more for me. I know my first one. Okay. I got a little creative as you guys were on the- On the way to the bathroom. Yes. Oh, man.

You're not there yet, but you've really got a ghost now. You're kind of speeding up. Top of a carousel. no ferris wheels on my list or that's what i meant ferris wheel top of a ferris wheel no top of a carousel you're just sitting on you're some reason climbed up to the top of a carousel letting it go down on but no top of a ferris wheel that's that's okay meant. We'll let you properly pivot. Ferris wheel was how I was shutting it down. Ferris wheels. Oh, man.

Way to steal his pick. Yeah. Well, I mean, look. When there's clear, awful places to go. And on a Ferris wheel, I mean, they're taunting you. It's not just. Oh, I know. Because it stops.

You go down. You go, is this. Please be my turn. Be my turn. And then right back up. You go through the bottom. You're going all the way around again. That's a little present for the next people that ride.

That's a present for the people below you. That's a problem. Oh, man. That's a good one. That's a good one. Now you got to go with your final pick. Yeah. I'm just going to...

This one is as normal because my list was generic and normal to start. Okay. But I also think this is a genuine nightmare, a genuine night. I would never, ever in a million years, I don't care if I'm going around the entire globe, poop in a tiny airplane bathroom next to everyone who's seated I mean the seats go right to the bathroom like you know

in these planes I often do that scenario in my head with bathrooms where I'm like the only difference between where I'm at like I'm practically directly next to you the only thing is this wall I am I am naked and I am defecating and I am this close to another person.

Andy gets naked to go to the bathroom. That's how she's just like, when I go poop, what, you don't take all your clothes off? Shout out to George Costanza on that one. My middle son still does it. Oh, all of it? Yeah. Oh, full nerdy.

Sometimes shirt, but pants completely off. There's nothing around the ankles. It's just freedom. Why are you spread out? Yeah, he's got a wide stance. Yeah, I'm going to take the airplane because that's awful. Have you? I've never pooped in an airplane.

Honestly, I believe this. I think I'll poop in my pants on an airplane before I poop in the bathroom. I'm guessing that's worse. Oh, it would be worse, but that would be the gamble I would take. Because I'm not going to poop on this airplane. And I will tell my body no until my body says yes. And I'm not going to that bathroom. I can barely fit in those bathrooms.

I would use the restroom before my pants. I have definitely wrecked an airplane bathroom. Oh, man. Oh, man. What is that walk of shame like when you leave that little room fast fast and furious but like i'm talking where you're sitting and then you feel the you feel everything just shift through through your intestines and you're like well here we go al says you just don't leave. Until the plane lands, that's where you're sitting. I feel like the door open and close process would be the fastest thing.

Just like this. Slam the door behind you. You have to say to the people you pass that are waiting in line, somebody destroyed that bathroom. There's no way you take credit for that, bad dog. But they've been sitting. They've been standing in that line for five minutes. They don't know it wasn't the person

before you. That's what I'm going with. Mike, you are back with your final pick and you don't get to choose. I mean, Carousel is still open now that he took Ferris Wheel. That's right. Man, I thought Ferris Wheel would make it back. Okay. I'm going to go

with... So job interview is is i already took that one so i'm trying to think of a position where everyone all eyes are on you and you have to have clairvoyance you got to be at your best yeah you're giving a ted talk i mean i mean it's it's TED Talk, so there's already prestige. And this video is going up online for everyone to see. It's being recorded. It's being streamed. And how focused can you be for this?

You're an expert in this field. Oh, no. And everyone's looking to you. And all you can think about is you've got to take a boop. That's a good one, Mike. You've brought four great picks to the table here. Mike's tandem skydiving, broken elevator, during a job interview in a good one. That's a good one, Mike. You've brought four great picks to the table here. Mike's tandem skydiving, broken elevator, during a job interview in a TED Talk.

Jason's got traffic jam, neighbor's house, top of Ferris wheel, and an airplane. Carousel. You took a carousel. Yeah, I'm here with at the altar during your wedding, a dentist chair, the end of a sports game. I've got a few that have come up. I'm not going to go with boardroom.

It's like the job interview, but a boardroom big presentation, that would be a rough one. You're in a suit. I mean, put you in a suit with the poop. That's a problem. I think I'm going to go simpler for this last one, and this is – Simple is good. You're in the pool.

Yeah, it's on my list. I mean, you're in the pool. Yes. Yeah, because there's no good solution here. No. I mean, even if you can get're in the pool. Yes. Yeah, because there's no good solution here. No. I mean, even if you can get out of the pool. Oh, it's still awful. You're soaking wet.

Yes. Oh, it's so awful. Why don't you go run in the house soaking wet across the tiles? Is there any way you can use the basket? Wait, what basket? Like the leaf basket? The filter? That's right.

In the filter? I don't know if you've seen this, but the leaf basket? The filter? That's right. In the filter? I don't know if you've seen this, but the filter basket is like mesh. That's not going to work well for you. Well, I mean, the water's kind of going in there if you kind of prop up. What if you don't go on? So are you talking like on top of the tile, or are you just going up to the flappy filter? You're in the pool. No, I'm in the pool.

That's what I was going with. At least the water flow is heading that direction. It would have made more sense if you take the top off and then you just sit down right on it. What if you use the pool vac? Oh, man. You can also just hang over the diving board. You know what I mean? Just go backwards, straddle the diving board, and plop, plop.

Pool vac, you got no mess. I think pool vac's your best way out. So you're just putting the barracuda right? It's the barra-pooda. Oh, the barra-pooda. All right, that'll do it. That's it. We did it.

We got through the worst places to poop draft, and it was a classic. What did we learn today? I learned that Andy gets completely naked to poop. That's what I learned. I learned that Jason went from completely confident to Sky Everest to instant death while pawn consideration. And that tandem mountain climbing is a thing that we should have meant. And I have realized if there's good news and bad news, it doesn't matter.

The bad news wins. Oh, my goodness. All right. That'll do it for today's Spitballers episode. Thank you for tuning in, supporting the podcast, and we will be back very soon. Look forward to episode 165. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.