Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Belly Button Buttons & A Cereal Box Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

Spit Hit for March 10, 2022: Today’s show comes out of the gate with a very dangerous scat. But rest assured, we remain family-friendly. Once we get into the meat of it, we discuss cooking duty vs dish duty, how our phobias will kill us, and eating beyond our capacity. We polish off this episode with another hilarious battle royale - this time with cereal box mascots. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads. When we were starting out this podcast and the fantasy footballers podcast, we, it was just the three of us and we did everything. We were the producers. We were the publishers, the editors, the writers, we were everything. But over time we have scaled and people like Al, people like Brooks, we have the best staff here that has taken our business to another level. If your company is trying to make a leap, it's all about having the right people with the right skills, and you will find them with Indeed. If you're hiring, you need Indeed because Indeed is the hiring partner

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The offer is good through March 31st. Go to Indeed.com slash Ballers to claim your $75 credit before March 31st. Indeed.com slash Ballers. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? You need Indeed. Spit was today's show. It's a great one.

This spit hit has one of the most dangerous scats of all time. We talk phobias. We got cooking duty versus dish duty. And I don't know where you are on that debate, but you will find out where we're at on today's episode and a whole lot more. Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Yippee-ki-yay, mother, father, sister, brother.

Hey! Hoo-ha! We got there. Whoa, that was scary. That was the TBS edit. edit hey what's going on yes welcome in ah dude it was a risky business i mean we're we're past show 100 at this point it's all just found money you got got me flushed over here, man. That was... How you guys doing?

That father, like, parental alarm on the inside just went... Like, you're like a puffer fish. You just feel it on your insides, but... Yeah, we're good. We're good. Welcome in to the Spitballers Podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you. Episode 104, Would You Rather?

That's a great question. A spectacular new battle royale draft to finish today's episode. Can't stop fighting. No, no, you can't. It's in our nature, Mike. It's in our blood. It's in our blood. Welcome in.

You can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. Al Borland is here. Al, how are you doing this fine and wonderful day? Doing great. Thanks for asking. That was fairly enthusiastic. Yeah, the follow-up, the thanks for asking really changed it from, you know, you have the one word, he realized he was about to get mocked and he's like i gotta say i gotta say

something else thanks for asking no you did you did great that was the best you've ever done i like how you said he realized he was going to get mocked as opposed to just being asked how he's doing right like i didn't actually want to know how he was doing oh come on waiting for an opportunity you didn't want to know i was kind of curious. Spitballerspod.com. You can head over there, learn how to become an official Spitwad supporter of the show. Yes. Which is one of the best things that you can do.

They are unbelievably attractive people. Yes. Over supporting this podcast. Aesthetically pleasing. Oh, absolutely. The best. I haven't gone through the list, but I have to imagine Brad Pitt is a part of the Spitbots. Brad Pitt is a big donor to this show.

Yes. I mean, when you're that handsome, you've got to be part of what we're doing here. And obviously Bruce Willis. That's what the scat was all about. So he's a big fan as well. That's true. That's true.

You guys want to get this thing going? I suppose. We have nothing else to talk about? Let's do it. Would you rather? All right, Nathan from Patreon says, would you rather yawn every time you hear a word with the letter R in it?

Strange, strange. Okay. Or vomit every time you hear a word with the letter R in it. Strange, strange. Okay. Or vomit every time you hear a word with the letter Z in it. So this is a little bit of a Wheel of Fortune situation here. Yes. The rarity of the letter Z compared to vomit versus the commonality of the letter R, and you're just yawning. I was going to mention, the Wheel of Fortune is the first thing that, whenever someone mentions letter frequency, it's R-S-T-L-N-E,

which, have you guys ever, like, when you're watching that, do you feel like they're just misspelling R.L. Stine? No, no, I do not. I think about that every time I watch Wheel of Fortune. Wait, wait, wait, wait. R-S-T-L-E-L? Is that I? L-N-E.

Those are the Wheel of Fortune letters for the final puzzle. Wow. But here we are. I mean, vomiting to me. Hold on. Hold on. We can't blow by this Jason being shocked of this game show. Have you heard of this game show?

It was on the air before we were alive. No, no, no. And you're surprised? I know the game show that it was on the air before we were alive and no no no i surprised i know the game show apparently i haven't watched it i guess ever yeah i mean i i i can honestly say i've never sat down and watched an entire episode of wheel of fortune i've seen clips here there yeah i mean it's i'm not what i'm not a grandfather i I'm sure it was. Get out of here. Okay. No. Owl Borland. I would throw to Andy, but then the joke will just be about grandfathers.

Owl Borland. Wheel of Fortune. Hot or not? Oh, that show's flaming hot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. In your face. You cool.

You cool cats over there. The Cheetos are coming through. R, S, T, L, and E all over you. Ariel Stein. cool cats over there the cheetos all over you ariel stein now wait is so as are those letters that wheel of fortune gives yes they're the ones they give you for the final puzzle not know about this because i've never watched an episode of wheel of fortune i mean that's that's a good reason though right no it's a solid reason for not knowing something yeah but it's still physically painful for me.

Have you guys ever watched Jeopardy? Yes, Jeopardy is not nearly as good. Like a whole episode? Yeah. So here's the thing about Jeopardy, is you watch it, you're like, wow, these are fascinating facts, these people are incredibly smart, how do you possibly know about this? And then you feel

really stupid, so you watch Wheel of Fortune, because then you feel like the so you watch wheel of fortune because then you feel like the smart one you're not under the pressure of all the money and the lights so the puzzles are much easier for you than the people no that's probably true and people watch that's why they're connected people watch jeopardy because if they get one right they feel smart just one or two one or two uh but letter frequency in the english language e-t-a-o-i-n those are the most common uh letters so the vowels r r is up there um i think that i i just can't take vomiting like vomiting is the worst some people i think there, they don't mind it that much. To me, it's terrible.

So I can't risk it because I'll hear some Zs, right? That's what I'm wondering. Yeah, especially with zombie shows. Yeah. I mean, I wanted to know what is the most common actual word that is used. The most common Z word? Yeah, zebra, zipper. Well, I don't use zebra a lot. That's my point. No, that's my point. that is used the most common Z word. Yeah. Zebra zipper.

Why don't you zebra a lot? Here's that's my point. No, that's my point. Like that is, that is considered like the most common Z word is zebra. And it's in the kid, all the kids, alphabet books,

like x-ray because we have no X words. Yeah. When's the last time in a conversation, someone's talking about zebra. Here's the real problem. Here's the problem. And I don't want to date things but when the world changed all of a sudden zoom became a verb and it became something that is a program yeah that everyone has to use i don't want to date this but this program that we are using right now right now this podcast is called zoom and people needed more zinc in that

time period there wasn't as much of a zest for life oh that's you couldn't say when you're trying to zag i mean no please don't stop but you're yawning all the time with the letter r yes right yeah you're gonna look right you said right right i i think i have to take the i i have to take the vomit i know that it's far more extreme yeah but you can't get through life without the letter r you can't it sorry jay go ahead finish i'm just saying if we're having a conversation conversation you know it's like immediately i'm yawning i'm yawning through everything i say i'm yawning through everything you say did you emphasize station like the word r was gonna be in i did but you know the point is that word that word had the the letter r in it so i wanted to emphasize the entirety of the word

the entire say sean uh what i need to know is do i at least get the uh the saliva gland prep what does that even mean for the bomb for the vomit you the salival gland prep is there a procedure you go through you're telling me that when you're gonna barf you don't all of a sudden have your mouth just start salivating i mean i don't think about it it's been a long time since i've thrown guess what the next time you puke you're gonna realize that your mouth just all but you're telling me the difference between doing this and not doing it is that you have proper amount of saliva? No, it's more of a preparation time. So I'm not vomiting into someone's face.

Vomiting is not pleasant. I do feel like perhaps you could manipulate this to your advantage if you overindulge and you're just like, zoom, zip, zow, zoosie i look the thought it crossed my mind it crossed it i'm not saying you should i'm just saying um jason's thinking about it all we're saying is there is literally jason there is no possible benefit to yawning none and when you when you're looking we're trying to find silver linings in dark dark clouds here yeah and that's what you know that's what we try to do and you know um gadzooks we found one you know look i had mcdonald's today zoip you don't you're not gonna need the z

no i'm saying i had mcdonald's today yeah um i'm just letting you guys know. McDonald's. Yes. Okay. So, Mike, which one are you going? You're going with the vomit? I guess I'm taking the vomit. I can't. I'll just yawn all day. I already do that anyway, so that's fine. Antonio from Twitter, would you rather cook all your food? I'm sorry.

Would you rather cook all the food for your household or have it all prepared by your spouse and you're on dish duty? So, this is cook the food or wash or clean all the dishes? Yeah, this is so easy for me. Go ahead, Jay. Well, I mean, if this is a guarantee that every time that the spouse cooks, I clean, or every time that I cook, the spouse cleans, I'm cooking. I'm cooking and here's why. Because when I cook, well, one, I kind of enjoy it cleans I'm cooking I'm cooking and here's why because when I cook I well one I

kind of enjoy it I like cooking oh okay but my wife would tell you something about my cooking and also the pictures after I cook would tell you something about my cooking I am the messiest chef there has ever been I can't I can't make anything without splattering stuff against the walls up in we got a gas stove with the you know the the you got to take all the i always turn all four burners on you got to take all the burner tops off to clean inside and usually it looks like waste bowls well i probably need an extra bowl for this a hundred percent i'll take a you know if i'm making you know a hello fresh or something you know i will have an entire bowl or dish or pot that i use for like nine seconds

totally unnecessary um so yeah there's a lot of dishes i ain't doing them but you like cooking yeah i do like cooking it's it's i don't know i think i think but there's a lot of people do do the other people like you cooking is the real question oh okay you do like cooking. It's, I don't know. I think a lot of people do. Do the other people like you cooking is the real question. Oh, okay. You might like cooking, but I mean, you're going to have to eat what you cook every single time. And my wife is a much better cook than I could ever be. So I think I'd rather eat that food and just deal with the cleanup. Yeah.

I want to say that the people that I'm doing cooking for like my cooking, because I do think I'm a decent cook, a decent chef. But no, the people that I'm cooking for are my children. And they hate any time anything is cooked, because that means there's vegetables and there's real food. I mean, my kids, when I make a nice big meal, what I have done is make a fight. I have made a nightmare in my house. That's the worst. I know. So you made a mess and a fight, and you still want to do this.

A mess and a fight just so that I get to eat, and my wife, that we get to eat one nice meal. But I would trade that meal for minus a fight every time. So I just learned I should never cook, and we shouldn't cook at home. Yeah, that's right. We should only eat fast food. Mike, what about you? I know you do a decent amount of cooking. This is easy because generally speaking, I am the chef. I won't say 100%, but I'll put it right about 85%, 90%.

So that's where it stands in the right household, and I loathe it. I don't just hate it. You haven't, it's not a developed passion? No, no, we never got there. What's so funny is, like, I remember in junior high taking one of those, this is what you should be tests. When you grow up, this is the occupation. And I had a test tell me that i

should be a chef and i spent a a few times cooking with my mom and i was like what why this is this is awful do this for fun why would the test tell me that i should be this what a stupid test what What do you loathe so much about cooking? Honestly, I think that it's very much linked to the speed, the rate at which I eat. I am a notoriously fast eater. You're very swift. Yeah. I mean, some people might say, well, you're not enjoying your food. Look, that's neither here nor there. I'm like, I'm not even chewing my food

this is this is how the body is programmed now that's how fast the food goes down so i will spend you know if it's a meal i'm working on this thing for one two maybe even over two hours and then i will eat the dish in two minutes and now there's just tons of dishes for me to clean. I spent two hours for this. Yeah, but you don't have to clean the dishes anymore in this situation. That's fair. I'm just speaking in the way it works right now. You need to be cooking in just massive bulk.

Just a month's worth of mac and cheese in one session. She cleans up a month's worth of dishes, and then you just pop those things out of the fridge, heat them up, scarf them down in your under 60-second speed. The problem is mac and cheese, it's not going to hold very long. Very few foods hold very long. The speed in which you eat, Mike, you don't taste anything. There's no way. That's where you're wrong. We go out to lunch sometimes just for the spit wads out there. And there is a procedure with eating lunch with Mike, right? If you let him order first and he was to get his food brought to the table first, he will be done before your food arrives.

You have to let him order last so he can only be done like 10 minutes early, not more than that. It's 100%. And the best part is you guys feel rude yes like you're holding me up even though i'm just i'm now satiated i'm perfectly fine i'm just chilling in this chair but there is this feeling that you guys inherit that i don't project that we gotta hurry now because you're sitting there waiting for us to finish it's not just revel in it it's not just not just that i feel rude i feel fat i'm like oh i'm still eating you're already done here's jason

wait for him to another slice of pizza totally my fault that jason feels this way thank you i'm glad we can see the truth all right all right let's go noah from the website would you rather be ravenously hungry oh speaking of or miserably full all of the time so this is i mean these are both uncomfortable feelings yes they are it's easy to say well i'd rather have food in my belly but when you are full to the point where you have to lay down when you're inappropriately full it's a rough life man have that is that is trouble that's like i better be i can't lay down because the food might come out it's got to be sitting up so it stays down have you guys ever had a moment in a restaurant you're in a public restaurant and you say to your significant other look i'm sorry i

scott i have to lay down at the restaurant like on the bench at the restaurant in the booth because there is a very particular instance where this happened to me this i think i was we were in still in a dating phase at this point and you. And you had to lay down that bad? Dude, I don't know what happened. Well, probably because of the speed at which I eat. All the food got into the stomach, and then I was like, oh, you did this way too fast. You're going to need to lay down for this, Mike. So we're in a Chili's, and I'm just laying down in the booth because I feel like crap because I am miserably full.

You've never had that happen? I thought that happened to everybody. Not in a Chili's. No. I haven't actually done the act of laying down at the restaurant. Well, that's not since the college days. All right. All right.

Okay. But it's in there. But I do know that pretty much most times at this stage of my life, I get so uncomfortable after I eat that my wife says I hold my belly like a pregnant woman. Like I'm pushing it down or up or trying to find an area where it's comfortable. Feeling it kick a little bit. I feel like the rib cage should have been larger. You know, all the organs are trying to squeeze through that like a Play-Doh mold. You're just like you believe your body should be formatted differently to hold the food that you want to eat. To hold more, yeah.

And then, honestly, every day my body is formatted a little bit differently to hold more food so i think we're on our way um so hopefully you know this is an upgraded model if i can keep persevering through my meals i should be okay yeah you could get bigger but i do i walk around now holding my stomach like a pregnant lady that's not that's not good that's not good because i'm not a pregnant lady so that's your body's telling you things yeah it's telling me like stop dude this hurts i mean in his defense he did say last night that he wished he had like a 40 pound tumor oh that'd be great you gotta get that out because then he could get it removed

yeah 100 if i had as long as it was benign he's cool with it get it out and then it's like oh you know what i can do eat i can eat like the dickens this is not a good lesson for our listenership that's why i need that that's why i need that that z so i i guess my answer would be oh no no no. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's why I need that Z. I am... I will go the ravenously hungry route because I am kind of known as being able to skip a meal and just forget about it.

So I don't think it hits me quite as much as other people. So I... Miserably full is like... Oh, it's so bad. I mean, it's really bad. It's like... Both...

Miserably full... We're saying this like ravenously hungry is not bad. No, it's really bad. It's like both miserably full. We're saying this like ravenously hungry is not bad. No, that's really bad, too. But it's like only one of them makes me eat a bottle of Tums. And so I'm going to go. I mean, the reality is this hungry. The three of us eat whenever we want. And when we're an hour late for a meal, we get ravenously hungry.

No, we're not. The three of us don't know what it's like to get ravenously hungry no we're not the three of us don't know what it's like to be ravenously hungry if we're actually ravenously hungry we would i couldn't even imagine we would just it's it's all it's all you know it's all we're done um so i'm gonna take the miserably full all the time because i already know what that's like. All right. Mike, do you have a final vote? Yeah, I have to take... I got to take the full because Jason's right. I don't know what it's like to be ravenously hungry. I have to imagine.

That's a good point. It's a good point. It is just the worst. Yeah. That was American ravenously hungry. That wasn't like real hunger. I missed lunch. It's one o'clock in the afternoon.

I haven't eaten lunch. It's funny because when our kids are like that, we're all like, the afternoon. I haven't eaten lunch. It's ridiculous. It's funny because when our kids are like that, we're all like, chill out. You don't know what that's like. Because I don't know what that's like either. No, I don't let them say, because the famous hyperbolic line, I'm starving. I'm like, no, you don't get to say it. You want to be starving.

I'll show you're starving. I'll make you skip lunch and dinner. Right, right. You don't get a granola bar this afternoon. All right, let's go ahead and let's switch gears here. Spitwads, we all know we got to be taking care of that fitness, and sometimes it's difficult to get that going. It's not exciting.

You know what is exciting? Peloton. Peloton is bringing you fresh things all the time. I love my Peloton bike so, so much. They are pushing things further with the Peloton bike, the Peloton bike plus. New classes, new music, new ways to keep your workouts fun and motivating. They just released this thing called the Lane Break, where it's essentially like a video game, like a rhythm video game, except you're playing on your bike. It's just a whole new way to keep you engaged because, like I said, Peloton, they are always making things fresh and making things fun.

They've got on their app, they've got boxing. You can step in the ring with the newest discipline, no gloves needed. Discover a fast and furious fun workout with Peloton instructors in your corner. They got new artist series. Like, they highlight one particular artist you want to get down with that. Like, I've done Encanto rides. I've done OutKast rides. Whatever you could think about, Peloton is doing work and getting it done. I love riding my bike.

Visit onepeloton.com to learn more. That's O-N-E-P-E-L-O-T-O-N.com. That's a great question. This question comes in from a spitwad. Thank you for your support. If your belly button became a real button, what would you program it to do? I mean, look, this is just flowing. Is this the Z button again?

This show is flowing. I would program it to open up so I can let everything out. Oh. I mean, I often. Oh oh it's like a sewer pipe yes just pump my pump it out i mean i would honestly this is getting disturbing i've so wanted a zipper belly i gotta go take a stew yeah i mean do it all i guess i guess the question is probably like a push button it's a button jay doesn't open i mean push the button and something happens what what about the button on your pants you undo it and you you know he's got it he's got a point there are two types of buttons i'm

choosing to say that this is oh this is one that likeie. There's snaps and clicks. And I'm taking the button nose off of the... Wait, no, he doesn't have a button nose. What does a snowman have? He's got a carrot nose. He's got button eyes. He's got a cord cop pipe. No, no, cord cop pipe and a button nose. Yeah, you're right.

Wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. That's what I thought. Okay, now there's a carrot nose. You have just uncovered something. Frosty the snowman has has a button nose he doesn't have he doesn't have a carrot nose is that true he's got carrots holy remember he's got the two eye carrots it has olaf changed us that much no oh he doesn't have a carrot nose did frosty guys i'm having a really hard time this this is i can't i cannot frosty does not have a carrot nose does not compute no he's got a button you see he's got a button for a nose

what an idiot snowman it could have been so much better but he was a little stupid button for a nose i'll be honest i'd rather have a button for a nose than a carrot that's another would you rather but i the carrot's not doing me any favors well it's it's certainly not sleeping on my stomach it's portrayed yeah that's well you can turn your head right yeah you could be a side sleeper yeah and then i'm hitting my uh wife with a carrot nose so that's just not good come give me a kiss wow my eye all right uh if you had a belly button and it became a real button i at first i thought for some reason i thought it would be really efficient like if i needed laser eyes you know what i mean like i'm cyclops and i pushed the button and i got laser eyes. I mean, it would be a little... All right.

This is so great. That's what I'm going to go with. Because Jason had his sewage. Yeah, he's got the release valve. Got it. You are imagining laser eyes. Yeah, for attacking purposes. And the first thing I think of is, it's going to turn on my television. That's it?

That's all it does? It's not even a smart remote? Like multiple items? It's just one thing on my television. That's it? That's all it does? It's not even a smart remote? Like multiple items? It's just one thing? Just the TV? It just turns it on, but then you can't control anything, and you've got to go get the remote to change it to the right channel. Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's an on-off switch. As I poke my belly button like it's actually doing it. What if it answers your phone calls? You poke your belly button, the screen turns on, and then you've got to go find the remote to put on the program that you want. I didn't say it was the best idea I've ever had in my life. I was just giving the example of how different the three of us thought of this game. There's a spitball in there.

There's just so many things. I'll take an Alexa. Oh, it will be an Alexa? Yeah. Like, boop. What's the weather? so dumb makes sense you push the button and then you can ask it like a siri or alexa google home whatever like this like jason beep release my bowels exactly i don't think my alexa can do that not yet not yet we're

working on it mentioning this like he doesn't have an open button that already does that job it does it does the same exact thing you're hoping for no no i don't i want it directly out of the stomach i i don't i just want my my belly area to be empty. Just feel good at all times. Oh, this has been a disturbing episode. It has. Rachel from the website. It has been recently discovered that phobias come from how you died in a previous life. This is what Rachel says.

Okay. All right. So we now know that Jason previously died from a venomous tarantula charantula that's a chocolate tarantula how did andy and mike die in their previous life oh man so phobias mike had to die from a hive of bees am i wrong about that i mean it is there something else you're more yeah a man picked up the hive and just walloped him on the head with it. You are, I think you're probably correct. I've actually, I have improved as a human being. It's pretty shocking to me, but I am less afraid of bees than I have been in the past.

What percent of that? That's an improvement as a human, if you're less afraid of bees, that's just better. Yes, yes, 100%. That's morally better. What? Dude, are you kidding me? Bees are death machines. For themselves, they sting and they die mike have some empathy but no i want to know what percentage of your

ability to be better around bees has come because you have a pool uh it's it's it's definitely not from the pool because it was my road to being afraid of bees is very bizarre because i we we all grew up in arizona so we all grew up around pool culture and uh i used to be at my cousin's house all the time we would swim and we would try to drown wasps which side note somehow wasps are uh incurable murder machines that don't drown. That's true. They live underwater for 10 plus minutes. Don't be fooled. The wasps are immune to death.

You did not drown that wasp. You've never killed a wasp in your life. I think we legitimately did a two-day drowning. That wasp was fine. Put it in the net and then just leave it in there overnight and over another night. Oh, it's fine. It's perfectly fine.

It might have taken longer to recoup, but it recouped for sure. So I used to do that. And then somehow in between, and I've never been stung. I just became very, very afraid of bees. And the culmination of the bees was one of my best friends friends got married and it was a destination wedding and this wedding was or the uh the the ceremony uh where i was a groomsman was surrounded by incredibly beautiful flowers well these flowers flowers these. These weren't just honeybees, man. These were fully grown, like those bumblebees,

where they look like three times as menacing. I don't know if they are. I think they're not. Those are actually not menacing, but they look it. I mean, they're big enough to where they can knock you over. And that's where the healing really started. It's like when you're scared of heights and you go, you start to space in the situation.

So I've started to get a little bit better with the bees. Andy, do you have anything that you're still terrified of that it killed you, like Rachel said? I don't know if there's something I'm just like, I'm not one for, I'm like claustrophobic, so I don't know if I died in a well like a long time ago are you afraid of heights i am i'm more afraid of heights than i knew yeah like i i i didn't think i thought i was like nor like everybody like just for the record people everybody's

afraid of heights right like everybody's a little bit to some degree yeah if you're out on a ledge on top of a building you're gonna be afraid and they're like that's fine i thought that i was that person the normal afraid but then i i realized i wanted to hang some like christmas lights on a second story of my house so i borrowed a name this was the most embarrassing thing because i borrowed a neighbor's extension ladder which mean he came over for me to use it and i got about halfway three quarters up the ladder and my knees are shaking yeah and i'm going like and the neighbors watching me climb his ladder and i'm i'm saying manly things like well you know that the bolts are a little loose and i

don't this thing isn't really yeah it looks like i'm working up a sweat climbing this ladder you know the second story that you can't even see it. I don't even need lights up here. You should probably go home. Take a ladder while you're at it. Is on your single story home that you live in now when you went up on the roof to get something and then

you were stranded and couldn't. You were too afraid to get back down on the ladder. I was stranded on my own roof. Now that was one part heights, three parts middle of summer climbing on the ladder. I was stranded on my own roof. Now that was one part heights, three parts middle of summer climbing on the roof realizing that I didn't think about the fact that roof tiles were 7,000 degrees

of molten lava. When you're on a roof They're much closer to the sun. And you have to touch the roof tiles to climb on the roof. It took me about 40 minutes to figure out the best way down off that roof. It's always jump 40 minutes to figure out the best way down off that roof. It's always jump. I did not go that route.

All right. Brian from the website. Between the three of you, what is the consensus number for miles per hour that it is acceptable to drive above the speed limit? Can we reach a consensus? I don't like this question because my children listen to

this show i see i think there's a universally there is known number the cops know it too yes it's 10 miles it's 10 miles it's 10 miles an hour you can go 10 miles i look i drove to scottsdale and back with mike or not in his car, but we'd leave at the same time. Very often, I'd be on the freeway, he'd be on the freeway. I can tell you, unequivocally, every time I've ever seen Mike drive, he follows the speed limit more than any person I've ever known. Mike is the slowest driver I've ever met. That's another way of saying it. It's unbelievable.

He is obedient. He is not in a hurry. He's got his podcast, and he's content to go to speed limit. I almost always will be five over. Okay. That's where I like, honestly, the number. That's called five under, just so you know. That's probably five under from everybody else.

Yeah, it means you're going five under the social speed limit. I've heard from, like, I feel like the rumor and the grapevine i don't know if i've actually heard this from an officer but i've heard seven is the number where like if you're at 7 70 over no sure so if you're at seven over they're not you're not going to get pulled over but like once you start wiggling over that then it's where it's it's kind of free reign. Maybe they get you at eight. Maybe they get you at 10. And look, I know we've got a lot of officers that listen.

I want to know. Yeah, that's a great question. Off the record. Okay. I'm guessing because I'm sure it's one right. 11 or above. That's my. Yeah, I think I think they're not.

I'm 100% with you. If they say at 10. Sure. But I think it's 11 and above. So, I mean, I believe that 10 miles an hour, and that's not universal. Does that change if everyone around you is going 15 over? I mean, at that point. Yes, if everyone is going, I will go flow.

I will go flow of the freeway. Yeah, I will not be the slow person that's actually now a danger to everyone else because everybody else is going this fast. Then I'll join in. To me what's funny is Jason and I had similar situations. Jason's a little bit

more extreme than mine but there was a ticket involved in my life. I learned my lesson. I was never going to pay that ticket ever again so was that the did you get the scared straight from the ticket yes okay so you are a product of a good i like law enforcement sir because i can i'm telling you i've known mike a long time i've never seen him go.

Because you met me after the ticket. Like, honestly, when you said you go five over on average, I'm like. That's a lie. I can't believe that. I thought maybe like two, maybe one or two. It's not a lie because I'm not going 15 over, you speed demon. I'm faster than you, I think. I want to clarify, this isn't everywhere, right?

You're not going in a 15 mile an hour school zone and saying 10 over. that's that's that's an on the dot i don't go one over there sure when you're you know and you know in a neighborhood or whatever but you know when you're on a major road it's it's it's always 10 over for me i set the cruise at 10 over and i just chill i i do and again this is bad maybe for what mike was saying with the kids, but I take a very, maybe this is stupid. You're a case-by-case situation. I'm a case-by-case on the road in general. You know what I mean? What's my mood like?

If there's nobody 400 yards in front of me or 400 yards behind me, do I need to signal? I don't know. Maybe for practice purposes, but it's like the tree falling in the forest, right? If someone speeds on the freeway and no one's around to see it. Are you speeding? If you change lanes without signaling, but no one can use your signal, are you breaking the law?

I can't even change lanes without signaling. It's just an automatic. It's just like how you. But I will drive. Jason's 35 over. Got a signal. You're darn right. These people know.

Safety first, Mike. Safety first. That's right. All right. Let's go ahead and draft now. Spitwads, let's thank 10,000 for supporting the show. And let's thank 10,000 for making the highest quality, best fitting, most comfortable training shorts that I've ever worn. When I say training shorts, I mean the

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That is 10,000.cc and enter the code BALLERS. The Spitballers Draft. All right. Al Borland has us set up with another Battle Royale extravaganza. Today we are going with cereal box mascots. So we all know them. We grew up with them. They've been around a long time.

They sell cereal for a living, but uh you know part of your entourage out here in the coliseum head to head to head battle royale four picks and unfortunately uh owl has clarified before the draft that these must be characters known from their cereal as opposed to because i had like there's a frozen cereal out right now oh yeah give me that elsa or my purse uh-huh and mr owl borland i dm'd him before the show because cheater fox mcgee is drafting michael jordan on the weed box or something michael jordan on the weed box and i said look i don't i don't want to get into it on the show, but you know I'm very specific about these things. Of course.

So I need to know what the rules are. And this is why. No, look. I'm 100% with you, Mike. Don't hear what I'm saying. Follow the speed limit in these drafts. You and Owl did the 100% right thing. I mean, this is the right rule.

But had it not been made he certainly wouldn't i would have taken advantage and grabbed michael jordan and elsa that's all i'm saying and just completely submarine and undermine the whole purpose of the draft that's what i'm gonna go yeah all right my i have the number one pick and uh i have some interesting secondary picks that i hope get around to me but i got it with the 101 i'm gonna go with tony the tiger yeah yeah all right clear i mean look he's a tiger i mean good for you man i mean jason and i like the big joke is will andy always grab the 101 slam dunk man you got it yeah I was hoping that you would overlook it and that the tiger would drop into my lap. You're giving me so many compliments that I believe you're both trolling me.

He's a tiger. It's like you look at a lot of these mascots and it's like, oh, this one's a nice bird. I've seen commercials. He's got electricity that he can use at times. I mean, he's a great athlete based on my research. From my understanding, he's great. And he's a tiger also. He's great.

He's great. He seems kind of like a gentle tiger, though. That's what. But at the end of the day, you know, you're a tiger. I mean, you're a tiger. Yeah. When price comes to shove, he's going to use what God gave you're a tiger. I mean, you're a tiger, yeah. When Pace comes to shove, he's going to use what God gave him. He's snacking. You know what I mean?

He's snacking. That's right. Yes, that's right. All right, so that's my 101. Look, the top of this draft, the first couple picks is easy. I still think when we get to the end of this draft. There's one pick that's easy. He's putting Mike on blast.

Oh, don't. You get out of my head. I'm saying that at the end. Do you think there's one pick that's easy. He's putting Mike on blast. Oh, don't. You get out of my head. I'm saying that at the end. Do you think there's an easy 102, Jason? I think there's a couple of obvious ones, but my point is not about this pick. It's about at the end of this draft. Yes.

We're going to be scratching and clawing. We're going to be digging deep. That's my belief. All right. I don't see anybody. That's fair. Not if you draft the wrong thing and all my guys fall to me, I'll be fine. Let's see.

Mike, you are on the clock. Yeah, I just need to make sure that I actually know his name. Okay, perfect. I knew what it was. This guy on the surface, he seems like a regular average. This is just a cartoon. If a battle royale breaks out, it's no problem. But then I give him a little whiff, a little whiff of chocolate.

I know exactly where you're going. A little whiff of chocolate. And Sonny the Cuckoo Bird turns into an insane person that will stop at nothing until he gets the Cocoa Puffs. He is cuckoo. He is cuckoo for the Cocoa Puffs. I will take Sonny the bird, Sonny the cuckoo bird as my number one pick. I think you just drafted like a Coke addict. Like that you, a Cocoa addict that you just release onto the Coliseum and he just goes bananas.

Don't hate the player. Hate the game, man. There is a chance that could backfire on you. I'm not sure that when he goes cuckoo, he doesn't go cuckoo on your own team. I'm not in there. It's only the mascots. But your other mascots are in there. Your other mascots are going to be like, get this guy off the team.

He's a team player. If I know anything about Sonny the C off the team. He's a team player. If I know anything about Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, he's a team player. I thought you just said he was cuckoo. He's an absolutely insane team player. He's cuckoo for teamwork, guys. He's like Dennis

Rodman. He's great on the court, but he's an absolute nut job. That's perfect. So far, so good. Tony's snacking. Jason? I'm thrilled with that pick. I don't think it was good. an absolute nut job that's perfect so far so good uh tony's snacking on um jason okay so i'm thrilled with with that pick i don't think it was good um but there were there so i thought there were three really good battle mascots tony the tiger being one and i'm happy to take the next two uh i was a little jealous of being at the turn here with two picks oh see i i well i am now um look i'm we know this from history right when you're in a fight

when you're in a battle braun loses to magic i need that magic in my life and he might be tiny but lucky the leprechaun's got magic he's a straight up i mean what are you gonna do against a leprechaun who's casting whatever he wants he can he can make no he's magical he's a magical being yeah but he just he just like produces lots of red balloons and that's not gonna do much for you i'm telling you. His magic is changing the marshmallows in his cereal. He'll make all of you turn to marshmallows. I'm not afraid of a Tony the Tiger marshmallow. Bring it at me, son.

There is a horror franchise based around the Leprechaun because a Leprechaun is a vicious beast. You've been infected by the Leprechaun series. Here's the thing. they're a friendly folk oh leprechauns are monsters and everybody knows that go to ireland okay but here's here's the thing you want to talk monsters okay a leprechaun yes they're they're a terrifying monster okay but you want to know what's a real straight up monster wait i thought braun doesn't all right nevermind go on no this isn't this isn't just braun this is a problem this is a problem this is the undead man this is a problem this is count chocula i'm taking a straight up vampire you can't kill me. I'm already dead. That was my number two.

That was my next pick. I thought Count Chocula could sneak around the turn. I mean, at the end of the day, he's a vampire. He's a vampire that can turn into a bat and vice versa. So he's got some versatility. Yes. You're not the only one cuckoo for Coco. And Mike could have had two,

he could have had two chocolate based, that would have united the team. That was my entire plan, man. Count Chocula comes in, sets off the cuckoo bird. Yeah. Oh, that is smart. Well, Jason, you got one good pick and one really, really bad one. You and I are even minus the good pick then.

All right. Oh, goodness. Now, I feel like you have set off. In a fantasy draft, sometimes there's a run of a position, and you want to be the first one at the top of the run that sets it off. And I feel like Jason might have set off the run. the top of the run that sets it off and i feel like jason might have set off the run so that i'm i am struggling here because i somehow thought that there were there were mascots that were going to slip through the cracks and they so far have not so far have not so so i got i got i need some i need some muscle he's super tilting i i am tilted i got because

i didn't think i would have to take these guys really but i i gotta take the muscle i gotta take someone who is very very large and can protect me he uh he has a monster himself he is a counterpart to said count chagula. I will take Frankenberry, who is Frankenstein's monster. He'll be out there just breaking backs and ripping off heads. Breaking backs and ripping off heads. I didn't even think about it. You know that old thing. What cereal is Frankenberry for?

Frankenberry. Frankenberry. Ah. Ah. I mean, the reason Mike says i've never had those are they like nobody's ever had them okay like i mean if i google cereals i see it and i'm like this guy's clearly a monster i have never i am a cereal connoisseur since the time i was two years old yeah i have never you are not a connoisseur because yours there's a there is a third there is there is a trilogy oh i'm well aware oh i'm well aware oh oh i don't know who

he is but guess what i'm well aware no i googled the list which one is it i googled a list of these cereal boxes yes i can see it's very obvious impassioned battle royale we've ever had. I'm really happy right now. Jason has Lucky the Leprechaun and Count Chocula. Boom, boom, bam. Mike has Sonny the Cuckoo Bird and Frankenberry. My second pick behind Tony the Tiger, I'm going with the Captain. Yeah.

I'm going with Captain Crunch crunch he's got an established history of beating back the pirates so we know he's got yeah oh he's a captain he's a captain and he's shown if you if you are appraised of his commercial work he can take his ship right on the land he's been able to he brings it right up to you i I was not aware. And he turns people in to Captain Crunch cereal. Isn't he the one who has the mixed up cereal? Oh, yeah. Oops, all berries. Oops, all berries.

I'm a captain, and I can't run my own ship. He's made a few mistakes. But when you make a mistake, and you can market it and make a lot of revenue, you know what I mean? Or you make a mistake and you're dead. I've got the captain. He's bringing his ship into the Coliseum, which is something I've been dying to do for a while.

Get something from the water into the land, and he can snap his fingers and turn people directly into the cereal that I will eat you you're missing a big a big part and well i hate building your case your team up a little known fact cap and crouch has a sword so you watch it he's literally drafted someone with a weapon which is pretty good in a draft like this just you got to find that. And then for my last or my third pick.

Your third, yes. Man, I'm drafting Chip. And Chip's a wolf. Tell me who Chip is. Oh, Cookie Crisp. Yeah. Is that a wolf? I thought it was a dog.

He's a wolf right on the front. Yep. I was saving him as well. You guys clearly did your homework yeah chip the wolf i've got a tiger and a captain with a sword when we were growing up it was just a dog and the robber they changed him that's what i mean eventually he got replaced by chip the wolf you have got it and well actually i have got it so back to you mike oh this is the problem i am crushing this draft that's that that's terrible yeah especially when you could just say like this draft is great

i mean that's true yeah yeah i was you know Instead you had to go for the reach. His name's Chip. You see? I understand. Oh, Mike. Now, Mike, you were tilting with the last pick. Now, you knew this was a four-round draft before it began, right? I did, but I underestimated my adversaries. Okay. In their serial knowledge.

Thank you. You underestimated them and all their picks you've said are very bad so there you go uh you gotta do what i gotta do i'll give you a couple more minutes here mike you have sunny the cuckoo bird oh now see i'm all in on that pick that was not a tilt pick frankenberry yeah the cuckoo bird was not a tilt pick you clearly have not seen what the man he is he is i remember the commercials he loves chocolate he sure does he sure does and in a fight that's really gonna help you a big time

yeah it sure is count chocula it's gonna help me a lot uh all right i guess i i just need multiple guys i i don't know what they can do. I feel like they're probably two inches big. I know where you're going here. But at this point, what am I going to do? You're going for bulk. Quantity of people. Quantity over quality, baby.

Give me Snap, Crackle, and Pop. There's three of them. There's sound effects. They're probably doing something. Sound effects. There's Snap, Crackle, and Pop. So you're going three. of them their sound effects they're probably doing some sound effects the snap crackle and pop so you're going three they could be pests they could probably bite a couple ankles when when you're playing when you're playing an rpg and you're the sorcerer and all you do is just summon tons and tons of little annoying creatures you You're super overpowered. I've got at least three of them now.

Sure, Mike. Sure. You've got three little tiny guys. Three teeny, teeny, tiny guys. I'm surprised. There's the guy with the leprechaun. With magic. The leprechaun is much larger than Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

You know, I thought you were going to go first. Here's the problem. I don't think he's really a leprechaun. Leprechauns aren't that big. He's a giant leprechaun. Leprechauns aren't that big. He's a giant leprechaun. Leprechauns aren't that real, Mike. I don't know how big they really are. They're very, very small.

Okay. I think we can all agree they're very, very small. Yeah. I mean, they're, you know, a couple feet tall. Yeah, a couple feet. A couple feet. I disagree. No, a leprechaun's like i i i disagree they could pick up a butter

knife and use it that's they're big enough to do that which is what i'm up their pot of gold and taking it with them are they i think they're just hanging with it just hanging i'm on to google diving in their little pot of gold it's about three feet and i all right. Now I feel like I need to Google how tall are Snap, Crackle, and Pop. We don't need to do that. We don't need to do that? Jason, you have a pick. I will figure out the height of Mike's three little elves. They're the size of cereal bowls.

We already know. Okay, good. Yeah, they're small All three could fit in one bowl You could eat them in one spoon It's a terrible pick Honestly I thought when you said you're going for mass

I thought you were going cinnamon toast Get the old chefs Just cause you got three dudes But you went and got mini versions That I could step on Like guys that could just run out there and get eaten look if you had if you had to if you had to put the cinnamon toast crunch three chefs against snap crackle and pop i know that guy's graying out and he's an old man but

he's stepping on your little guys i mean no, no, this is an Ant-Man situation. I think Snap, Crackle, and Pop, that might be the sound they make when you eat them. Yeah. All right, Jason, you're up. I know my fourth pick. I'm trying to decide on my third. That's strange.

Yes, it is strange. Because you get them back to back. I get them back to back, and my fourth pick is going to be the best pick of this entire draft. It might be a little bit mocked, but you guys will know that in a battle royale we've we've been here before we've done this we've done this with a sports draft with an NBA team your point all right first I'm going little like Mike and no one's as little as me i'm going well no this is this is going to be just as little as snap crackle and pop um wait are you going with the b i'm going buzz b man you're afraid of bees

i'm coming straight at you i mean this is think about it this is literally uh i'm trying to make my it has been established though that if you use your b power you will be sacrificing yourself buzz b goes down with his own his power at that point his power is fear he's going to be flying around getting everybody distracted he ain't never staying but you're going to be terrified it's not going to matter though it's not going to matter because of my fourth pick the fourth pick is literally the only one i need And even though he's from a very stupid cereal that I'm sure Andy loves. Come on. No.

Sonny. No. From Raisin Bran. No. Is the sun. Try fighting against the sun while I melt you all down to your milk and then put you in my cereal. I mean, I just drafted an entire son with hands yeah but that is the friendliest son that you've ever seen not in a battle royale you ever seen him in a battle royale

he's a fierce hot competitor those giant raisins on people does he get the two scoops does he hit you with the scoops that's that's all he gets though is two scoops sure two scoops but a son if a son is taking a scoop of something it is the size of planets yeah i mean the i drafted a son when we were doing the nba mascot draft i think the sons went undrafted but we acknowledged that they were the best pick so you're telling me that sunny is not to scale on the box. That is correct. Oh, no. Because he looks about the same size as Snap, Crackle, and Pop in these boxes I'm looking at. He's got a point.

So is Tony the Tiger a little tiny guy? Is Tony the Tiger a little tiny tiger? No, but you're of scale. We've seen Tony the Tiger up against other people. Sons are not normally quite that small. Okay, so you drafted a really boring cereal mascot for your last one. I did. I got Cheerios and Raisin Bran, but they're going to be out there terrifying and melting you all down.

All right. So, Mike, unfortunately for you, you have to pick again. Well, sorry to go back because you're like, well, he's the Frosted Flake, Tony the Tiger, every single box I'm looking at, his head is smaller than the bowl or the same size of a bowl of cereal. This is a little itty-bitty baby tiger. If you just look at the bottom, though, it says not to scale. Do you notice that?

Oh, I missed that. Full-size tiger. Full-size tiger. Well, full-size tiger, not to scale, very dangerous. Then I guess I will have to go with this pick, because, look, I know I won't win the polls, but in my heart, I know that I will have to go with this pick because look, I know I won't win the polls, but in my heart, I know that I will have won the battle because my best,

because when I did my best and Jason's son will kill every single person, except for Boo Berry, except for Boo Berry and Boo Berry, because Boo Berry is already a ghost. He's already dead. And unless you're calling in the Ghostbusters, then you can't get rid of me and I'll just be hanging out.

Leave it to Mike to go a few layers deep here. I mean, it's not a bad pick. Like I said, the polls won't respect Boo Barry, but I know that I will just be hanging out with the sun. It'll just be the two of us at the end of this fight. Here's the thing. The sun eventually dies. It might be millions of years, but Boo Barry will still be there.

All right. So, Mike, you ended your draft with Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, Frankenberry, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and Boo Barry. I have Tony the Tiger, the Captain, Chip the Wolf, and I'm actually going to close it out with, I don't know if you even remember this mascot. Sounds perfect. But do you remember the mascot for Honeycomb? Yep.

He was on my list. The frog? No, no, no. I'm not tilted. Honeycomb, the craver. He craves Honeycomb. The Honeycomb craver. He looks like a Tasmanian devil.

He's maybe as psychotic as sunny the cuckoo bird 100 he spins around he flies in and out of everywhere he's very disturbing there you go you do remember oh dude honeycomb's delicious you know the story of like five nights at freddy's where the apparently the person who made the game was just supposed to, like he thought he was making a nice fun game. But then people eventually let him know, no, you've created monsters and they need to be in a horror game. That's the same thing for the honeycomb mask. It's a freaky looking creature and he's a great fourth pick for my team. Because he's just going to cause

some chaos so yeah do you have a favorite team wildly guy before melted down uh i'm looking over him so we got andy with tony the tiger uh captain uh chip the wolf and craver and we got mike with sunny the cuckoo bird frankenberry snap crack, Crackle, and Pop, and Booberry. And Jason has Lucky the Leprechaun, Count Chocula, Buzzbee, and Sunny. And I think I would have to cast my vote for Jason. My man! That's all the time we have on today's episode of the show. Even with just... Because of the sun?

Yeah, the sun and Count Chocula. That's a pretty tough... See, Count Chocula is a really, really good pick. Here is a problem for your team, Jason. Oh, I know where he's going. Let me have it. You know what can't come out in the sun? You drafted a sun.

You know who can't live in the sun? Oh, shoot. A vampire. So enjoy your team of three members and so you have the sun and it and a bee i only need one to win a sleeping vampire you idiot i already got al's vote we're good everyone go vote for me. Oh, that's funny. What did we learn today? That Jason knows nothing about vampires. That was an interesting draft.

These are not creatures. These creatures were made to sell cereal. They were not made to fight. They were made to make you want to consume cereal. Have either of you guys, have you ever listened to that podcast the cereal wars before this is not this is just a blind promo i imagine kellogg's is involved somewhere no because it indicts it just shows you it's not mr keller how many people fall for the like one you know look at cheerios boxes nowadays they all say say the same thing. Might lower your cholesterol or whatever.

Like one health claim on cereal for the last 200 years is sold cereal. You make any health claim about them and you're like, man, I feel good about myself eating this sugar bread in the morning. Like, it's funny. Might fill your belly. Yeah. So what did I learn today? I learned that Jason would do almost anything to try to evacuate his system so he can eat more food.

That would be awesome, and you're 100% correct. I learned that people actually watch the entirety of Wheel of Fortune, and not just clips of when there are mistakes, which are hilarious. Wheel of Fortune, that's a national treasure. does feel that way but it's been it's been 20 years since i've seen in a full episode i'll be honest with you it's been a long time thank you for joining us we'll see you next time goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.