Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Big Bristles & The Worst Food To Eat In The Car - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 21, 2023

Spit Hit for September 21st, 2023: On this episode, we discuss a pay-per-brush system for oral hygiene. We also debate the appeal of a being a viking vs. knight vs. samurai. And stick around as Mike has a bit of a surprise for Jason during ‘Is This Real Life’. Lastly, we shut it down with a draft of the worst foods to eat in the car. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Nice. Okay. Okay. Welcome into the spitballers. Okay. Courtesy of Jason Moore.

Bringing you in with a little vocal drumming. A little ditty I call the scat. Which drum were you? I was the... I was the... Low hat. I was the top hat. I was the...

Oh, the high hat? The high hat, there it is. Oh, that's usually like a... Yeah. You were more of a blat-tat-tat, though. Right, which would be more of the... Snare. The snare drum, which would be more of the snare drum, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, you know, snare and a hi-hat and a little kick drum down at one of those. Okay. I'm a music man, Mike. I know, I know. Very nice. episode 187 oh you murdered that scat oh i love it we are drafting the worst foods to eat in the car i can't wait for this draft it's it's so ridiculous i like drafts that i can visualize and each you got 12 picks today

and i'm gonna visualize you eating them in the car, and it's going to be funny. I will say this. I hope that this draft goes as well as how entertained I was thinking of the food. I'm telling you. Because making my list, I was like, I had a blast. And you could almost do this draft in reverse, or in the inverse of it. There are foods that are really good to eat in the car.

Oh, absolutely. Churros. Crunchwrap. Crunch? Oh, yeah. Taco Bell Crunchwrap that are good to eat in the car. Well, I know it's delicious in the car, but really? Oh, it's made to eat on the move.

It's all wrapped in. It comes in a bag where you don't have to take it. Oh, look. Just trust me on this move. It's all wrapped in. It comes in a bag where you don't have to take... Oh, look, just trust me on this one. Okay. Crunchwrap Supreme is a good mobile food. Yeah, well, I mean, that's fine because Andy's car is covered in cinnamon and sugar. Yeah. Have you ever not got something because of how messy it will be in the car?

Yeah. Okay. So we're drafting the worst items today. Really? Yeah, there's like... I don't want to eat big Taco Supremes on the drive. Okay. Okay. So we're drafting the worst items today. Yeah. There's like, I don't want to eat like big taco supremes on the drive. Okay. Okay. I mean, you're up the first pick, so.

Yeah. We'll see. We'll get into it. We have Would You Rather and Is This Real Life on the show today. You can check us out, spitballerspod.com, support the show. You can also tell your friends. Mike, you were smirking. I just, I'm.

Are you thinking about the draft? No. Look, is life real? We'll find out. Oh, so you like the story you're sharing with us. I just, you know. You cannot control your smile right now. I can't wait.

That's going to be fun. But let's start here. Would you rather. All right. Smalls from Patreon. Would you rather have to pay $50 every time you brush your teeth or never brush your teeth again and receive $200,000 a year? If you choose the first option, how often do you think you would choose to pay up for a brushing? I love this question because you would be doing some economic decision making with your teeth we got some uh gotta set some ground rules here yeah mouth washes out gum that's where i was gonna say what is the line what do you mean well because the the the question here is like you can't clean your teeth in any way shape or form

but gum doesn't clean your teeth. Gum just gives you fresh breath. The one out of five dentists agrees. Gum doesn't matter. You don't have to bring up gum. You can chew gum. You can not chew gum. Okay, so I can have fresh breath with nasty, rotting teeth. Correct.

Okay. And pain from the cavities and plaque everywhere that isn't cleaned up by your trident and those sales pitches. What if we found out you could... all you had to do was chew gum? Oh, and it's big dentists? Yeah, what if big dentists, they had such a grip on your dental health that it turns out you really only have to- It's big bristles. Big bristles.

Okay. Courtesy of Al Borden with that one. What if it turned out? Because we've had the articles come out that Big Floss was. What? Flossing is bad? It's just it doesn't do what they say it does. Really?

Oh, yeah. I have not read such articles. Yes. How are you supposed to know whether anything does what it says it does anymore? Huh? How are you supposed to figure this out, Mike? Is this real life? Is this real?

I know this. I think I've said it on this show. Maybe it was somewhere else. I know for a fact that dentists have conferences with people that are trained to train dentists on how to get you into plans. It's not like your teeth are writing letters to your body saying, every six months on the dot, you must clean me. This has been designed for us, right? And maybe the answer is really every three months. Maybe the, probably not, otherwise we'd be doing it. Maybe it's every nine months. Maybe it's every two years you get a cleaning.

Mike, I don't think you've ever been to a dentist. I was going to say, what if you're riding the lightning over here and you are a one-time-a-day brusher, which I do. You're a morning, or you're a night. Yes, I'm a morning brusher. I do not subscribe to Big Floss, but I do have one of those fancy. Flossing. The water pick.

You turned me on to that as well. Because after you do it, look, my teeth feel great. My mouth feels very fresh in the morning after I hit it with the water and the brushing. But you've been riding dirty with the old dentist tricks. I haven't been to a dentist in probably 20 years. And I'm sure, like, I feel it. I know there's cavities in here don't get me wrong i know they're there there are two ways that you can i thought you were i really like you're gonna

double down on feeling great you were just fine and you're doing okay and that dentistry is a racket no for for the most part it's a disaster but definitely in the last few years like every once in a while a bite will come down you're like oh yeah i lost tooth there there's something going on there i should probably have checked out in like the next 20 or so years so there are two ways to play it at this point for you mike there is the can i make it till death because that's one way the other way i've seen dead skeletons they got teeth right that's They're doing just fine. Wonderful research. Not in the life department, but in the teeth department. The other way is you ride this out, but then you end up in a dentist when you're 60, and

they're doing so much work. You're doing implants. You're getting them all yanked. That's just dentures. You know what I mean? Right. You're going to ride it until you're like, take my mouth out. Give me a new mouth.

You know how great my teeth will look then? Pretty perfect. That's right. I mean, I can tell you, like, I know people that have had to have so much dental work, and it... Bad genetics. See, I said that too. It could be. So, but there was an actual question about, so essentially...

$50. $50. You have to pay to brush your teeth or never brush your teeth but you get $200,000. When I skip a brush, like a brushing, because I'm mostly a once a day person too. I do it at night.

I know everyone says, oh we all do it twice a day. We're gross. I get it. No they don't. I do it once well at night. And if I fall asleep on the couch and I forgot and I do that, I will notice. That's a danger of the night brush. The gums will... Oh, you're right.

You're right. It is. See, I don't sleep through my brushing. I probably do it twice a day. But the gums will notice, right? Right. And so I'm just thinking thinking that in the context of this 50 fee like i that's a lot of money i can't that's a lot of i can't leave see i'm i'm more of

a morning brusher i cannot fathom leaving the house without brushing my teeth that that like just is not possible but if i do that every day if if I say, oh, I'm leaving and I have to brush my teeth and I don't do it at night, that's $18,250 a year to pay to brush my teeth in the morning every single day. That is a lot. And it's more if you're the double brusher. If you wanted to pay for morning and night, obviously. Alternatively, I have $200,000 to cover my dental. How much is my dental expenses? $10,000 a year max? I don't know.

You mean if you don't brush? Yeah. It's going to be more than that. It's going to be more. Okay, $50,000 every year just on my mouth. I'm netting $150,000. If money's all that matters, sure, but you're a wreck. I mean, you got teeth missing.

You got work that needs to be done. I know you joke about dentures. You don't want denture life. Denture life is not a good life. Everyone knows. It's like a toupee. Right. So you can go pay for implants, but that's a lot of pain,

and you don't even like needles. Super buff jaw. Because you're going to be hitting that gum hard oh yeah i mean you're gonna have like i will have gum you'll be able to flex your jaw muscles do you think pete carroll head coach of the seattle seahawks yes he does not brush his teeth that's why he's always chewing gum that's an interesting question and at his age he's got to have dentures by now. If people are chronic gum chewers, is it because they don't want to brush? I mean, I have never. This is opening my eyes. Al Borland said, I feel like night brushers are worried about their teeth health.

Morning brushers are worried about breath. And that might be true because I have. I can count on one hand how many times I've had gum because of the breath. Is that why people chew gum? Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

Yeah. Just to have better breath? You've been that paranoid about your breath? I have not chewed a piece of gum for a reason other than my breath since Juicy Fruit in the eighth grade. Like, those are delicious. I used to chew gum first. That was a seven seconds of just.

Oh, yeah. So incredible. So when someone says, would you like a piece of gum? They offer you a piece of gum. That means your breast stinks. You think. Oh, they think you're. No.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When someone offers you a piece of gum, that means your breast stinks. Yes, 100%. False. I'm just saying, like, if someone's, they're getting a piece of gum out for themselves, that's when they sometimes offer it. But that's the move. Right. That is the move. That is the move. You don't pull out a packet of gum. Say, you want a piece of gum out for themselves. That's when they sometimes offer it. But that's the move. Right, that is the move.

That is the move. You don't pull out a packet of gum. Say, you want a piece of gum? Just because your friend has stinky breath, you have to, you have to, you have to inception. Oh, 100%. You have to get the, the idea is in their mind. Oh, of course I wanted a piece of gum

because you're chewing it and it looks delicious. Oh, you want one too? You want one too, bud? I'm just, I had this out for me, but you want one? I ain't. No, you don't. Are you sure? Are you sure?

Because I got it right here. It's like in my hand already. I'm chewing it. This is nuts. It's like five sets of gum. Oh, so delicious. This gum's so good. Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Here, just take one. Just take one anyways. Precious. This scum's so good. Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Here, just take one. Just take one anyways. If you don't brush at night, that means your breath really stinks in the morning.

Correct. Because, I mean, it already, people who brush at night, their breath stinks in the morning. Correct. So you're cooking up a, you might have mold in your mouth in the morning. But you made the point. You brush at night, you wake up, you got nasty morning breath. But then I eat, and i'm fine but at what point is nasty morning breath uh from from brushing you brush at night you have nasty morning breath compare that against i didn't brush so i have nasty morning breath like what is the difference it's just it's unpleasant it's terrible thinking you probably i don't want to

smell it i think what we're learning here is we should brush our teeth twice a day for $100 a day. Don't buy into big dentistry, man. Look, I expected a tooth to fall out while you said it. The actual question, there is a no brainer answer here. I'm taking the $200,000 and I will pay for the dental bills. I'm not paying $20,000 to $40,000 a year to brush my teeth. I will receive $200,000. What's your price?

$10 a brush? Sure. $10 a brush. Would you go every other day then? No. What's your price for every day, and how much would you space the $50? Let's say you're locked into 50 times every brush. That's just it.

This has now become a situation room. You have to pay 50 times every time you brush. How often do you brush? I'm skipping weekends. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're just home. Yeah, I'm just home. So you're $2.50 a week.

Yeah. One brush a day. That's right. You've got to pay an extra $10 for toothpaste. Oh, man. Big bristles are racking out there. Mike, do you have an official answer? $200,000 is a lot.

That's a lot of cash. That's a lot of money. I'll take the money. Okay. And then just deal with the ramifications. And what was your solution? Well, to be fair, other people have to deal with my ramifications. What was your answer?

You will look bad, to be clear. No, I will smell bad. No, you will look bad, too. Maybe. You don't brush your teeth. That's disgusting. 100% locked in whitening gum every day. That's a loophole.

Yeah. We established the rules. You're going to be grossy McGross pants with plaque all over your teeth. Your gum. Oh, I'm covered in plaque right now. Do you drink coffee every day? I do. Yeah.

You don't brush your teeth. You know how yellow your teeth are going to be? You will have yellow teeth. You'll start. You just drink your coffee through a straw. That's right. That's right. No teeth. You'll start... You just drink your coffee through a straw. That's right. That's right.

No teeth. No teeth touching. No teeth touching with the coffee. What was your answer? I didn't... I don't care. Okay. Then take the money. All right.

Jordan from the website, would you rather have the Avengers defend you against the Justice League or the Justice League defend you against the Avengers? I mean... Okay. Dumb question. Super dope. Well, hold on. Hold on.

Name every member of the Justice League for me. Every member of the Justice League. You got Superman. You got Batman. You got Green Lantern. Aquaman. You got Aquaman. You got Wonder Woman.

And that's okay. That's the... To be clear, they're all super depressed. I think there are actually more in the official. That's the core. Is Robin a part? No. Get out of here, Robin.

No, Robin would never be let in the Justice League. This group's for the grown-ups here. Robin. Okay. And then the Avengers. Okay. Well, hold on. No. So, the Avengers. Okay, well, hold on. No, so then the Avengers, are we going, it's the movie Avengers, like the core group? Sure.

So we got Thor. We got Iron Man. We've got Black Widow, Hawkeye, Hulk. Captain America. Why are we telling people who the Avengers are? No, because we got to lay the- It's the biggest movie of all time. If you don't know, this ain't an interesting question if you're just learning.

People like to hear about the Avengers, number one. I just want to know because I want it completely laid out. Because first of all, now we have six on five. Right, six Avengers. Although two of them are just people. That's... Okay, great. Because that's where I was going with my next question.

Wait, is that Hawkeye? Hawkeye and Black Widow. No, I got another question for you. Okay, okay. Because a good friend of ours in the football business, I saw him getting some clicks because he put out some bait on Twitter talking about what is and what is not a superhero. Is Batman actually a superhero?

Of course. Why? Because he fights crime. That's all it takes to be a crime, to be a superhero. In a suit. That's all it takes to be a vigilante. I think to be a superhero, in the words of Ariel, he's got gadgets and gizmos aplenty and

so that's all it just takes from respecting your answer to not so quickly perfection but the point is here is like okay then Iron Man is not a superhero that would be the follow up is Iron Man actually a superhero

by my reason you fight crime you fight for justice and you wear a suit. That is all you have to be able to, and you have to succeed at it. So you don't need a superpower to be a superhero. No, you do not. No, you do not. I agree. I agree.

Interesting. Yeah. So your definition of superhero is you fight crime, but just in a cool suit. Alter ego. You do have to have an identity. So secret identity. Not secret. Just an identity that isn't yours.

Aquaman does not have that. No, but they don't say Steve from the ocean. It's Aquaman. So he's got a separate identity. So you have a cool name. You have to have a name, a suit, and fight crime. A superhero name. Yeah, absolutely.

The answer to the question is the Avengers. You want the Avengers defending you. Oh no, Bruce is here. You want the Avengers defending you. Bruce man! Bruce man! Yeah, it doesn't have the same ring to it. You want the Avengers defending you because you're on the side of fun.

You're on the side of good. You're on the side of joy. They've got jokes. Higher grossing films. Higher grossing films. Better cinematic universe. I hate that you teased this out and it was totally worth it. You might lose because Superman wins.

You're going to die. But I want to be on the... You have Thor, though. I want to die on the side that is right than live on the side that is wrong. Thor can compete with Superman. No. Just on the basis of being from another planet. And wait a minute.

I'm not even sure. They've got the Green Lantern, too, right? Yeah. What does he do? Anything not even sure. They've got the Green Lantern too, right? Yeah. What does he do? Anything he wants. Someone explain to me the Green Lantern. It's a thing he wants. You wear the ring.

Because the name's kind of lame. You wear the ring, and you are part of the Lanterns, which I believe is like an intergalactic policing type of a situation. Okay, so people are into this. Got it. And your superpower as a Lantern, or at least the green ones, because there are other colors of the lantern. The green lantern is whatever you imagine you can create with the power of the ring.

So you're like, I would like a machine gun right now. Boom. You now have a machine gun. He's basically one of the superheroes with the hacks. Right. So he can do whatever. He can do anything. Like if you're a time travel, like there's superheroes that can just-

I don't think he can time travel. Remember the show Heroes? There was a guy that could just always move time and you were like- Yeah, because that was his superpower. Green Lantern's superpower is not time travel. No, but I'm saying it's a cheat code. Yeah, Andy's point is it's just a game breaker. If you can travel in time, you can just solve every problem.

Which is why, so you have Superman and you have the the flash which i will die on that hill that the flash is the same thing as time travel is more powerful than superman you will die on the hill yes i will that's super speed no that's dumb super speed well superman has everything that's why that's why it's dumb but he's not faster than the flash he doesn't need to be faster he can go back in time there there is is that the rotation of the earth theory that would that i don't know that That's why. That's why it's dumb. But he's not faster than the Flash. He doesn't need to be faster. He can go back in time. Is that the rotation of the Earth theory? I don't know that that's canon. All right.

So this is the nerdiest, the deepest we've ever gotten on any topic, and I love it. I could do this for hours, and I think we should come out with another podcast because this is great but for everyone not tuning in to the comic book glurs um my final answer is i will die with the avengers i will too i the justice league would win a fight yeah and it hurts me to say that because the avengers are way cooler do you know how boring your life's gonna be living with those DC? At least they'll be alive. They'll just be narrating your life in slow motion. Darkness. Yeah.

Stop talking that way, Bruce. Stop talking like what? I'm going to call you Bruce, man. Bruce, man. All right, Grizzly Adams from Twitter. Would you rather be a samurai, a knight, or a Viking? Ooh. It could either be a samurai, a knight, or a Viking.

Ooh. So fundamentally, my first thought here is that one seems more heroic to me than the other. Yeah, the knight. The knight. Really? Now, the samurai comes in number two. I think the samurai, that's pretty heroic. That's more noble. Well, no, not more noble.

No, not more noble than a knight because samurais... Knights are noble. Knights are heroes. Knights are defenders. Samurais are noble. Samurais are defenders. They're very similar. And a samurai, I believe, can actually fight where a knight can just be covered in gigantic armor.

A knight would beat a samurai, I think. No, samurai would win for sure. Listen, it's really going to depend on the individual. There are knights that would lose to a samurai, and there are knights that would beat a samurai. The armor is. Could a Viking win in this situation just due to ferocity and alcohol consumption? It is possible possible it is definitely

possible though the vikings the vikings are the opposite of a knight no no armor no honor they are just going to valhalla they kind of took what they wanted even though knights i guess kind of did that too they want to die vikings. I mean, they're okay with it. I think a knight in a samurai iron as well. There's a nobility to that. Yeah. No, I agree. You said a knight is as well? As what?

The honor in death for all three, you think? I think so. Okay. Yeah. I think that that is the one thing they all have in common, other than propensity to kill. Like in their individualized group like to die in the field of battle would be an honor that is that is a noble death now this question

is not who would win in a fight or what is better this question is rather be what would we rather be so like you could still be like hey i'm gonna be a viking i'm a knight yeah Yeah, that makes sense. Are you a paladin? I want to be horseback. And I want to be a defender. The knight is the superhero of the Middle Ages. That's as close as you get. In Europe? I mean, I feel like a samurai would be very similar over in Asia. Yeah, but what do they ride?

I was going to ask, did samurais act? Do they have horses? I believe they had dragons. That's from the movies I've seen. Especially the one with Matt Damon. What was he doing? My go-to source for Asian history is Matt Damon. Well, no.

Sometimes it's Tom Cruise. Don't forget Tom Cruise. What are we doing? We got problems. But seriously, do they ride anything? Because that could change the equation. They ride the wind. No, I don't think they do.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. Do samurai ride horse? I feel like there's horses involved. Why are you not pluralizing them? You said do samurai ride horse. Why did you say that? I don't know.

I didn't even understand what you were criticizing me of until I said it in my head again. Do samurai ride horse? Wait, are samurai plural samurai? Samurais. I would put the S on. Okay, another question. What is the plural? It might be the samurai.

It could be. Ride horse. No, so I was right because I was talking about one. Do samurai. I don't know what's going on. But it is the plural. The plural is samurai. The samurai.

Okay. We got somewhere. We've got one piece of information i'm gonna i'm gonna lock in night horses where they're special weapons speaking of samurai so they both have horses i'm locking in a viking there's a there's a lot are we gonna be all three different and there's a lot of boat riding when you're a viking that's a lot of rowing a lot of rowing. A lot of rowing. Yeah. He should be high enough on the- There's a lot of partying and doing, you know, look. Viking things. Yeah, there's other things.

There are great- Doing Viking things. I've watched, I just finished watching- Lost Kingdom. Like about a year ago, Vikings, which was a great show, and the Lost Kingdom, which deals with Vikings. So like, I'm more in that world right now, and I don't want to have all the rules of knighthood. There are, and samurai, I believe.

Oh, and same there. Incredible rules because you serve the emperor. Now, the Vikings, unfortunately, only have a square table. No round table. That is true. They have not mastered carpentry quite the same. Mike, do you have one that is romanticized more for you here? They're all cool. Definitely? They're all cool.

Definitely. They're all cool. I think I would go with the samurai, though. If the Vikings were from How to Train a Dragon, that's the one I would go with. Oh, yeah, because I want to ride a dragon. That's why you went samurai. One of these guys. Can a knight ride a dragon?

Because it seems like only Viking and samurai have that option. Yeah, that's a great question. We have all chosen a different one, Al, so you need to weigh in. I'm going knight. Okay, Brooksy? Going Samurai. Okay, so we got one Viking to rule them all. You won't be alive long, but you'll have a great life.

That's exactly right, 100%. No, I wasn't talking about this situation. no i know just me i won't be alive much longer but my life is pretty fantastic do we have time for one more of these we sure do okay darren from the website would you rather be able to grow a full head of hair but not be able to grow any facial hair or be able to grow facial hair and be bald? So I have a problem on my neck. And what's on your neck? Well, it is my neck. On the neck area is my neck. And the more, look, this is a problem.

It's a family thing? Yeah, it really is. So Ron has this problem? Ron has this problem. I don't know if he knows it really is. We don't have. So Ron has this problem? Ron has this problem. Does he know? I don't know if he knows it. No, I don't know. He listens, so, you know, hey, pops.

We got a problem. We got a problem in our family. I kind of see it in, even in my young sons, it's not like, like I'm overweight, right? What? And so, thank you for your shock so i've got you know some extra neck my my chin my jawline and like the chin is not that bonus neck yeah i've got bonus neck and the problem is even when i was thin you still had i still had bonus neck like a little it just it's just not the most flattering area so the beard helps a ton here right you know i've known you for a long time you didn't always have a beard no but i did always have i didn't

always have a beard but i didn't have a really great jawline even when I was in great shape I had kind of that little jowl that I they call that Ron's jowl right Ron's jowl um so I I have to shave my head here have a nice beard and really the truth is that's what I'm gonna be in a couple years so this question is just uh would you like to do that now? And I would say, sure. I can't imagine. I mean, I think I'd be okay without the facial hair and keep the head of hair upstairs because that's normal or more normal. Wait, which is normal? To have a head of hair and then you just, you don't have facial hair. I feel like the...

A lot of people don't have, a lot of men shave their face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think as you get older... Not on accident, like on purpose. As you get older, it'll be more common to have at least some facial hair while lacking a head of hair. And obviously, you wouldn't be like cue ball bald. More common, but can you imagine how impressive it'll be when I'm 83 and I've got a thick head of hair? impressive it'll be when i'm you know 83 and i've got like a thick head of hair yeah it does say you get a full head of hair in exchange for not being able to grow facial although it doesn't that that

would be really weird after a certain point though right because no one's gonna believe it's real right look if i'm like 93 years old and i've got a john stamos mane yeah then you're wearing a wig got a John Stamos mane. Yeah. Then you're wearing a wig. Right. And they'll pull on it. Yeah.

They'll think you are. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm just already prepared for no hair up top. Okay. Mike, final answer for you. You've been bearded as long as I know you. I would keep the facial hair. If it really came down to it.

You'd go bald? I got to make. Yeah. How close have you been? Oh, I've been shaved head many times. You have been shaved head? Yeah. So you know what shape is underneath there. Yeah, the head, the shape of my head is okay.

It's all right? It's definitely passable. I can be a shaved head guy. Face with no beard, not as much. I don't have a bonus neck. Right. But you don't have a strong enough chin? The chin is very small.

Okay. And then I'd have to look into the chin implants. Wait, is there a chin implant? Oh yeah, brother. Dude, maybe I'll shave. Because I think that would help my bonus neck. They also can de-neck.

What? Wait, for real? They can do whatever you want, man. didn't you could d neck it's only 50 50 how it works out okay but you can't begin the procedure that's fine someone get me the name of this procedure because i'm sure it's not called d neck if i can get the medical term i will take a couple weeks off and i'll be back um it's actually a jalloscopy. A jalloscopy. All right. All right.

We are moving on. Is this real life? All right. I will share my story with you first. Please do. We are each reflecting on the modern times. Mike's smile. I want that to kind of be the punctuation mark of this segment.

I want to find that out. But my story is just kind of ridiculous. It happened out here in Arizona. And here's the headline new york city man okay rescued twice in two days on arizona hikes oh no what a new york city man needed to be rescued twice on consecutive days while hiking in a northern Arizona mountain range. Those big city fellas. And now he's urging other people to pay more attention to the weather this winter.

Oh my. After the second time. After the second time. Wait, this winter? He got stuck in the winter in Arizona? The thought process to me of being helicoptered off a mountain, The thought process to me of being helicoptered off a mountain, rescued by actual professionals,

only to return to said mountain next day. I got this. To do it again. You got to conquer it. To then need to call 911 again. Oh, my gosh. How bad was he feeling the decision on day two? Did he bring a disguise? He's got the Gr on mark i'm a totally different hiker he's just grabbing the mud and rubbing it on his face to hide oh man or he's just taking a rock and bashing his leg i mean he's like no

this is totally a broken leg this time now from what i understand on this story if i want to try to paint it in the right picture for him, I think what he did is he went out the next day and started earlier than the day before when he got stranded. Okay. But he just miscalculated again. Wow. Which I think they charge you for those rescues.

I believe so. Fool me once. I think that's an expensive hike. Now, one of the people that helped him they did say i really respect phil's perseverance i hope he's able to make it to the top someday well maybe he did on day three right we didn't yeah so we didn't hear if he called again unfortunately he did expire on day three all right um though that's my real life story my article um is perfect for today's episode episode 187 oh no yeah this is it's an article in comeuppance rooster with knife kills owner during banned

cockfight this is what cockfighting is Right. Because that's awful to make these roosters fight each other to the death. But in these underground rings, they still do it. With knives? Apparently, they've taken it to the next level. And they have given roosters knives. Do they go wing or foot? I have to believe it would be wing. No, like it's easier to tape it onto the foot?

Because the roosters fight with their feet and their talons. Do they really? Yes. Really? Yeah, getting slapped. They don't peck each other? Getting slapped with a feather is not going to do very much. Okay, so looking at the article, it was indeed tied to the leg.

Yes. I thought it would be the wing. There's so many layers here. I thought it would be the wing because they're flapping and slashing. But apparently I am wrong. But then he killed the owner? He killed the owner. Oh, I mean.

Yeah, it's pretty sad. Was the owner thinking this can't mean, the... Yeah, it's pretty sad. Was the owner thinking, this can't be happening at the very end? I have to believe that this man did not want to have that rooster kill him. But, yeah, unfortunately, got a groin slash. Oh, so it cut an artery. Gotcha.

So, moral of the story is, if you're gonna have a rooster fight don't give it a knife because they become far more dangerous okay oh man well that's ridiculous i r.i.p yeah my i have the turkey i have the turkey neck right maybe they should maybe that's where they should attach the knife what is that the the giblet we've you know is that what we came up with not at all no no we had discovered that at one point i've forgotten it was a funny word pretty sure it's all right so my article andy i'm sure you've been hit with this one quite a few times on on the twitter sphere as well it's a snood isn't it oh was that what it was i'm seeing the waddle there's a waddle and a snood they're near each other

i'm not sure which is which so anyways on twitter people have been tagging me in this article making sure that i was aware of what's going on and i saw that you were also tagged because the east coast oh yeah of the united states of america there's a problem there is there is a problem you ever want you feel better about living in arizona now i a little bit because there is a i believe it is jiro a jiro problem because they're not a churro problem no it's definitely not sure probably but they're large and eye-catching bright yellow blue and, about the size of a human adult's palm. And there's millions of them, right?

And I'm talking about the East Coast could soon be invaded by parachuting spiders. I didn't know the parachuting part. Yes, because they can, in fact, they form parachutes from their webs. they can in fact uh they form parachutes from their webs they could travel up to 50 for 50 to 100 miles away with the with the wind and they just land on you well they could land no they say they're not harmful if you guys knew what is happening to my body right now if you could feel what i am feeling i will tell you mike the other day jason told me that for the first time in years he actually had a nightmare oh no where he woke up and couldn't get back to sleep because he was so afraid was it about the spider and it was about spiders it was just

thousands of tarantulas climbing out of these holes everywhere and i could not get back to sleep well you should be comforted these are are parachutes. Yeah, they parachute and they do have a 77% higher heart rate which means that when they're exposed to low temperatures they're not as likely to die. So they're immortal.

If you're hoping that the cold is going to take them out. But I'm feeling weird. I'm not you, Jason. But the scientists have said that they're not dangerous. Yes, they are. Yes, they are. You stupid scientists.

You don't know how spiders work. They've said that they're... These are the ones that actually can't bite you because their jaws are too small. No, that's legit. Oh, is it? They legit have too small of things doesn't matter they're palm sized they're palm sized spiders do you know that a much more dangerous situation in america is is heart conditions heart attacks kill so many people

and these spiders are going to just wreck the East Coast. I pray they stay on the East Coast. Well, just listen to Nancy Hinkle, who says, it's wonderful. This is exciting. Spiders are our friends. What do you think of Nancy? Oh, Nancy's going to get it. Look, the spiders are coming for Nancy right now.

They are going to send a message. right now they are going to send a message i mean that's one of those things you just don't say out loud because you know that that you're gonna you're gonna get yours nancy you would have a problem with my wife because she has prohibited certain killing of spiders due to her uh affections for them because is it because they take out the other bugs they just do it they're just doing what they do mike they're just part of nature they, Mike. They're just part of nature. They just live, and they're just trying to do their jobs. Yeah, I mean, when I smash one, I'm doing my part of nature as well. Protecting your children from evil.

If I had a magic lamp with a team. Who needs eight legs? Come on. I genuinely think I would spend one of my wishes on removing all spiders from the face of the earth. Oh, man man you'd have so many flies i don't care what it would do to the ecosystem or the circle of life or the environment whatever repercussions happen i am happy to have them if spiders are gone if you had to the the local wizard comes along and says for the the rest of your life, you have to have an animal in your backyard.

And you had to choose between 10 tarantulas or 10 tigers. 10 tigers without a doubt. Without a doubt. There's not even a close. That's not even in consideration. One tarantula or 10 tigers. 10 tigers. 10 tigers for sure.

I like that he has. You could hunt the one tarantula. Oh, no, I couldn't. Oh, i promise that cannot happen i could never you could put on your night gear i would die on my way to i think he has a bigger phobia of tarantulas than spiders yes from zero to spiders he goes the double amount from spiders to tarantula i like that we're talking about magical things that could that could come in it like, hey, you get a wish. Instead of, oh, I wish I weren't afraid of spiders

and tarantulas, it is in fact, no, I would like to remove them from the earth. I believe I've been given this fear for a reason, and it is to take them out. I will follow my heart, Mike, thank you, and I will be a hero to me and my kind of arachnophobics that

story has been out there and it is shocking and i would not be looking forward to it the webs are very big i was shocked at the scale of everything this is not gonna happen for real right i know that i've seen the article headlines florida is really where they're starting are you going there soon yes i'm when is this supposed to happen genuinely does it say in the article i'm this They say Florida is really where they're starting. Are you going there soon? When is this supposed to happen, genuinely? Does it say in the article? This is educational. They crossed the Atlantic in the sky. Where did they come from?

Where did these monsters? Japan. They are native from Japan. They arrived in the United States around 2013, likely riding on a shipping container. A cruise shipping container. And it takes a while for the foreign uh you know animal to start replicate or not spawning and all that stuff and eventually

take over they needed enough human hosts to begin replicating oh my god i am done man i am absolutely done. This is, that is the worst, most horrific article. And I fact that it's real life is, I may or may not have just made sure that Brooks knew operating the cameras. Don't put the, don't just do my own shot when I'm reading my article. If you thought COVID was fun, wait for these spiders. All right,

it's time to draft. The Spitballers draft. We are drafting the worst food. Yeah, I mean, I'm feeling them everywhere. My body is crawling in spiders right now. He just scratched his leg. Yeah, just like, I'm feeling them everywhere. My body is crawling in spiders right now. He just scratched his leg. Yeah, just like, okay, those spiders. The worst foods to eat in the car, which I think will be very funny.

Jason, you have the first pick. There are some foods that, look, it might not be conducive to highway driving. It might not be conducive for the old commute. Let me say this. My first pick, the highway, is going to be where I want it. Okay, because you want to try to cruise. Because I do not want stop and go traffic while trying to eat my hot soup. Oh, man, that was my number one pick. Of course it is, because unlike most things that could make a mess,

either of your hands or your shirt, this could scald you. This is not only difficult to eat, not only two-handed, not only could stain and make a mess, but also could be very, very dangerous. Could you imagine you getting a fender bender? Okay, that sucks. You've got to deal with all that. Now you've got a bowl of hot soup on your crotch just scalding away. You know people put soup in a thermos. It's still risky.

Yeah, I mean, eventually you've got to open it to eat it, right? I mean, you have the little click button. Just drink my soup. It's not. Wait, you're just going to drink. How do you eat your soup, James? With a spoon. There's some mass to the soup.

It's not broth. He didn't say hot broth. You only drink your soup. It's a broth. He didn't say hot broth. You only drink your soup. It's a liquid, so you are technically drinking it. But do you use a spoon? Sometimes. Sometimes I just go right out the bowl. Yeah, maybe at the very end.

The chicken and the noodles and all that? Are the vegetables in it or whatever else is in your soup? I'm talking more about tomato. But yeah, watch me at lunch. I'll be drinking out of the bowl. I want to see if you ever use a spoon i want to see him say oh drats when all of the meat all the meat and contents of the super at the bottom he's like there's no broth left all right i will go with what i think would be a ridiculous food to try to pull off in a vehicle, which is fondue. I'm going with fondue.

Because fondue, by necessity, you have to dip. You need a heating source of some kind? You need to heat cheese or chocolate to a hot level. Is there any other fondues? Well, yeah. There's a broth where you cook meat in it. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Which you would just drink straight out. That's called a fondue? That is still fondue, yeah, there's a broth where you cook meat in it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, which you would just drink straight out. That's called a fondue? That is still fondue, yeah. When you're just boiling something? That is. If you use a fondue pot. Yeah, if you've got a fondue pot and you've got a stick in there, yeah.

But I'm thinking hot cheese, hot chocolate. I mean, every single one's a dip. You've got to carry it across the car. And then if you spill, you are also getting scalded. That's a good pick. The drips are going to be a real problem. The drips are real. Because it's not like... Most things that you think are going to drip on you while you're

eating in a car, they drip from where you're eating. You don't have to reach. But on this, that's a real problem. I like that. That wasn't even on my list. Alright. Yeah, it was not on my list as well. Mike, you've got a couple of delicious picks. I do.

And this first one is known to be messy. I mean, if you go to a place for this, they will often give you a bib. Dang. That was my next one. And I will take barbecue ribs. Yeah. Yeah, that was my 102 as well. Because, come on, the second you touch ribs,

there is sauce not only where you grabbed it. You can go thumb, index finger. It doesn't matter. Your whole entire hand is now covered in barbecue sauce. And for rib noobs out there, there's no point in trying to be careful with ribs. The better thing to do is just embrace it yes now so some ground rules here you got a 20 minute drive you got to finish what you're

you're eating here okay so you got to get through it all ribs is an outstanding choice i'm right up there at the top so i'm going with the super messy barbecue ribs now this one uh this one i'm oh and Andy's cackling over here. I just thought of another one. Okay. So this one to me, like, of course there are ways you could like, oh, well, we could have it pre-prepared. But no, I'm talking about it's fresh,

and you would need a tool just to get into this food. And imagining someone driving down the freeway cracking open lobster was just so funny to me imagining seeing someone riding shotgun absolutely got the cracker yeah they gotta have their lobster smashing a claw open dipping it in butter that's that was on my short list mike it's on my list both of those picks would have been my next picks up for sure. I feel like I could go like six or seven rounds here. I have so much.

So I think with this pick, it's in the same vein as the barbecue ribs pick. It's just not made to be eaten in the car. Right. It's messy to begin with. You're going to make mistakes. Spaghetti and meatballs. Yeah'm going spaghetti and meatballs there's no way you are one-handing spaghetti which is really what this test is can you can you do the one-hand eating of spaghetti and meatball you can try to twist the fork but you got to get a meatball in there and some sauce i think i I could one-hand it, but I don't think I could one-hand it.

From the lap? Yeah, from the lap, I think I could one-hand it, twirl, and eat, but I still think that the odds of me leaving that car without spaghetti sauce on my body is 1%. 1% chance of me escaping without marinara. All right, so that is my pick jason you are back the key to this draft is picturing someone i'm telling you it's so good driving a car trying to eat some cheese fondue yeah or a full rack of ribs yeah oh all right okay so uh i am up and this one this one is also um funny to me because of uh the the experience and this probably should not be eaten in a car okay um and i'm gonna go with

don't tell me how to live i'm gonna go with a flambe so if you're not if you're not familiar with flambe, it's on fire. It's basically a glazed steak that is lit on fire. So you're driving down the car, just right in the car. I mean, you can't get away from this fire. There's a steering wheel here. Could you light the flambe with the old school cigarette lighter? Would that work? I think it would.

I think, yeah, absolutely. If you can light a cigarette, you can light a steak. If you can light a cigarette, you can light a steak. What is done to the flambe to make it so flammable? I think it's an alcohol-based glaze. It's gasoline. It's gasoline. It's gasoline. Oh, delicious.

But that one cracked me up, just the idea of just having an open flame in the car. And I am up again. What do I have? I've got hot soup. I've got flambe. Do I want to go funny picture? Do I want to go? There's so many ways I could go here. But I'm just going to go with something I love.

No. Oh, this is tough. This is tough. You are twisted. I have so many options here, and they're all good, but I feel like whatever I'm going to take isn't going to be my best one. Got to really think through this. Okay. Think of how funny it would be.

Right. Thank you. Think of the mess. This one is so – I'm really struggling. Really, really struggling. I'm going to go with – all right. I want it. This isn't the best thing.

Oh, man. What is happening? Are you simultaneously drafting and hungry and trying to pick which one you want? Yeah, what's more delicious? All right. I'm going with, I'm going to take a pick here is what I'm going to do. Okay. And that pick is going to be...

I have gone back and forth through five things I'm going with. Yeah. Tostadas. We waited all that time for tostadas. I told you I i was gonna make the wrong one i have like four better options i have at least four better options on my list very similar to your crunch wrap no but that's the it's a hundred percent covered it's the crunch wrap is covered can't you just fold it over no a tostada is a hard crunchy Okay. So this is like, think about how hard it is, genuinely. I said I won't eat like a Supreme taco on the drive because it's going to barf out the back.

But at least there it's half wrapped. It's covered. A tostada that is, have you ever? Is a tostada a flat taco? It's an open-faced, flat, hard, crunchy shell that you then pile up a bunch of meat, cheese, sour cream, and everything on this shell. You can't. If you eat a tostada, which is delicious. If you eat a tostada.

Pro tostada. I am very pro tostada. It is a flat taco. It is a flat, hard-shelled, open-faced taco. And if you eat one at a restaurant, look at your plate. Look at your plate when you are done. And you now have a taco salad on your plate. And so that is going to be all over you.

And that was a terrible pitch. All right. I will go with – are you done with yours? He has one more. No, I went flambé. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done with his round. Sorry, I wasn't trying to trick you.

We're sure about that. Al, you are up. I have a history. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done with his round. Sorry, I wasn't trying to trick you. We're sure about that. Al, you are up. I have a history. You're on the clock. All right, I'm going to go with the sloppy Joe. Oh, it's on my list. It's in the name. I know.

It's right there. It's already a problem when you're not driving, right? Yeah. It's not made for driving. I made them extra sloppy. Yeah, I mean, how many bites of a sloppy Joe do you get before you get the first plop? Two. You can get two.

You can get two? I can make it to two. I've made it to two because I'm... That's probably a bad Sloppy Joe. You're 100% right. Yeah. A really well-prepared Sloppy Joe will never make it to two. So that's...

I mean, you got a problem. Yeah, Sloppy... That's way better than a tostada. Yeah, I mean, you could have saved tostada for your fourth pick. Because Sloppy Joe sauce. Yeah. That has some kind of red food coloring dye in it that if that touches anything, you're not getting that color. I'm not sure I know what's in a Sloppy Joe.

Is that hamburger? Yes. I believe so. And then a seasoned sauce of some kind. With red food coloring. With red food coloring. Red number five. All right, Mike, you are back up. You have a seasoned sauce of some kind. With red food coloring. With red food coloring. Red number five. All right, Mike, you are back up.

You have to make your final two picks. Okay, I know one for sure. So now I'm struggling a little bit here with the second one. But then also I'll tell you, the number one pick, or not the number one overall, but the first pick I'm going to take, I'm going to take a chili cheese dog. Okay. All right.

A good one. Yeah, a good one. Look, number one. Like a foot long? Delicious. A chili cheese dog is great. It's also a young man's game. This is a twofer.

So if you're on a road trip, number one, your car is going to be a disaster. You're going to be messy. And number two is number two. 100% where I was going. I'm not sure if people will correlate that of like if you're on a road trip and you're eating a chili dog, you're stopping on the side of the road. I hope you have one of those little kid portable toilets. Yeah, because this is going to be a blowout. We're not talking about your tire.

We're talking about your booty. Alright, so that's a good one. Chili cheese dog. Alright, and I'm going to go I'm between two picks, but I'm going to go with the one that is, I think, the funnier visual of imagining someone driving down the freeway because we're talking about, imagine

trying to one-hand something. Yeah, you're eating this the whole drive. You're talking about it. Imagine trying to one hand something that you're eating. And it's the whole drive. You have to eat it the whole drive. You cannot possibly one hand this. I'm taking a good old fashioned corn on the cob. Oh, that's what I wanted. That was going to be my last pick. That was the one I wanted to take three times.

And I didn't because it was so simple. But 100% you can't eat a corn on the cob with one hand and if it's fresh out of the the pot it's boiling hot just imagining someone trying to get some butter on it who has the actual like oh yeah the tongs the tongs the corn holders whatever they're called did you guys ever have like fun ones growing oh absolutely oh yeah What did you do? Mine were corn. Mine were corn, too. All right. You had corn holders going in there? Yeah, it was very, you know, the corn was attacking the corn. We had the Mickey and Minnie growing up in the Disney house, of course.

Did you have enough for everybody, or did somebody have to fight for the good ones? Nope. Nope. Everyone had enough. We were the house of four. The visual that made me laugh so much when I put that on my list was the idea of someone trying to eat it one-handed. Because there's only one way you can eat a corn on the cob one-handed. You've got to just grip the whole buttery corn on the cob. Right.

And what would that look like, Jason? Nice try, Mike. All right. That's a great pick. Is it back to me? It is. All right, well, I'm going to go a little left field here. Dang it, that was my last pick. And look, you've got to eat this in the car.

You've got to find a way to eat it. And for some reason, I'm trying to picture somebody figuring out how to eat a whole pineapple. I don't think eating a whole pineapple is gonna be very easy because it's already sharp so you've got an object in the car like a pin cushion then you need a knife right you got to have a big old butcher knife to slice open this pineapple while you're driving that's not legal uh so I will go with the whole pineapple to finish it out. I believe it's been talked about probably on this podcast, but we're on 187, so

who knows? But the pineapple slicer, I don't know if that's the official name of it. Do you have one of those? Yes. Let me Amazon this thing. They're awesome. So all you have to do is you essentially cut off the top of the pineapple, and then the tool is like a tube with two sharp okay two sharp edges and you just screw it in so it makes the little circles yeah

well yeah it uh it cores it those are very inexpensive you screw it in and then you pull out and then you have just fresh pineapple that's right there for you to eat it it takes preparing a pineapple from like an arduous task to like very simple in and what's your affiliate code on these uh amazon.com wow these are very i don't have one of these and i need one you do need one oh you've got one now oh yeah not not like you're the only one that does not have one. Not a sponsor. But a life-changing. You've got a pineapple quarter. I've had one in the past. I don't have one now, but I need to because I can.

Did yours break? Yeah. Mine broke. I had a cheap one that broke, too. Now, do I get the one with the upgraded reinforced thicker blade? Yes. Yeah. Did you listen to what we just said?

They break. We had the cheap plastic ones that broke because I wasn't sure if it was going to be all that great. But if you like pineapple, a life-changing tool. Would it have helped in the car? I mean, you're- Still a challenge? There's just pineapple juices everywhere. I want somebody trying to get that pineapple open without a knife in the car.

Oh. Just banging it on the dash? Biting into it straight into the- Impossible. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, you don't have tostada left to pick.

I don't. Man, I messed that one up. I should never... I've got four better options here. All right. I am well prepared now. I am going to take... A curved tostada? Yes, yes exactly soft shell tostada most

of these things have been either messy or difficult to deal with this is maybe neither i think you could easily eat this one-handed with a fork there's a different problem and when i get yeah it's the smell okay i don't think i want a sea bass in my in my car having a nice sticky that's very nice fish just get into that car the next time and you're not shaking that smell for a lot of drives no there's maybe ever worse than when you get into a car this this happened to me this last week we i go to take my kids to school in the morning we go and we get in the car and it was like sea bass no darn it i ain't sea bass in the car again no but the just you get in the car and you're like what is that smell did dad brush and and it was just so gross and

then like you know there's some garbage on the floor it's mcdonald's you know you think it might be and and so you take that out and you clear it and it's like man i hope that there was a towel in there too maybe you know the from like the gym and i'm like how bad do i stink so i take that stuff out and then i go and i you know later i later I come to work. I get back in the car. It's just awful. And then when we get home, we figured out what it was. There was a to-go food from a restaurant that had been. Oh, you forgot it in the car. It went under a seat.

And so there was a hole just, but there's nothing worse than a car that just reeks. You feel like throwing up the whole time. So the sea bass. That's a very good redemption pick from the Tostada. Yeah. I wanted to, I thought you were going to try to trap us in like, go like some alcohol and get yourself a DUI.

Oh, that, yeah, that's something you don't, but that's not really eating. Yeah. Um, yeah,

I, I wanted to go cereal cause I think that would be bad, but it's so similar to my, my hot soup. Right. Yeah. I, I had,

uh, some other final cons. I had s'mores. I, I didn't think that that would be very easy um i thought like a well-done steak would be a problem oh yeah that's funny to watch i was between corn on the cob and buffalo wings for my yeah yeah that's a good one i have on my list fajitas they come out all uh and you gotta, right? They don't just come pre-made. They burn a hole in your leather.

Yeah, that would be a bad one. Nature-made granola bars. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are not something you want to eat in a bed or a car. The best part of those is that they're already split for multiple people. Yes. All the time. Yeah, pre-cut.

Yeah, because you never open one that's just full. Did you have any others, Al or Brooksy? My simplest pick was just Cheetos. Yeah, that's not easy. Because you don't eat Cheetos in the car. Powdered donuts. Delicious. A lot of messy food lists had ice cream,

but I would have no issue. Oh, an ice cream cone? I can figure that out. I don't know. That's a skill-based challenge um al did you have anything that we forgot i was just gonna go with cheetos but yeah yep brooksie nothing you guys got them all right what did we learn today well i i'll start here while you guys think about it we all obviously learned a lot like we do on every episode we did but i think what i learned most today is that and and maybe this is news to you but i think

you want to status for dinner tonight jason uh guilty as charged um what i learned today is that home prices are about to go up in arizona as the entire East Coast moves west to evade the spiders taking over the continent. And I believe we cracked the case that Big Bristles is just, they're just stealing your money. Big Bristles. Yeah, don't go to them. Watch out. Yeah, and I've got one of those pineapple quarters coming, so.

Oh, yes. Looking forward to that. Enjoy. That'll do it for today's show. Thank you for tuning in at SpitballersPod on Twitter. Tell your friends about the show. Goodbye. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com..