Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Big Cuppin’ & The Best Ways To Cover Up A Fart - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

Spit Hit for January 1st, 2024: Today, Jason shows up with an obnoxiously large accessory. We also talk about citizenship duties and chewing with your mouth open. Then, find out who today’s Man of the People is. We shut it down with a draft of the best ways to cover up a fart! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, man. What a cop-out. Yeah, baby! We did it. Yeah. We have finally hit that point of the Spitballers podcast

where the show opened with just fart sounds. It's the fart episode and I'm happy it was my scat. Wow. And I do mean scat. I feel like Mike's laughter was the most redeeming part of the scat. Thank you, Mike. It caught me off guard, so you got plus one. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast.

For those tuning in to the video, we got to get right into this what is going on with jason's cup he's got a huge cup it is a big old size neon green cup what are you doing? It does look ridiculous. Okay, I didn't think this was going to get called out, but it is ridiculous. I mean, how much water does one person need? He's up in his water intake. I am trying to drink a gallon of water a day. Well, it's right there. No, I need five of these. Five of these is a gallon.

Yes. I mean, it's about one in the afternoon. How far? This is cup four. Oh, it is. Yes, I have finished three of these. Wow. How are you in the afternoon. How far? This is cup four. Oh, it is? Yes, I finished three of these. How are you in that seat and not peeing? We're going to have a pee break.

I have peed at least six times, and that is, let me just tell you, a clear. I'm doing real well, fellas. Is this the first day of gallon a day? This is the first day. Okay. How many days is this going to run? At least one. I mean, I'm hoping to make it to two tomorrow.

The next day I'll be like, man, let's get to three. But I'm going today. This isn't because you think if you drink a gallon a day for a while, you won't have to drink for a couple months or something. Wait, I don't get to store this up? You're not a camel. Yes, I am aware. I'm aware.

Trying to be healthy. The big cup will get you there. That's a big cup. Yes, I am aware. I'm aware. Trying to be healthy. The big cup will get you there. That's a big cup. That's a big cup. Welcome to the big cup episode of the Spitballers. Would you rather man to the people, and we are drafting the best ways to cover up a fart. Which is why you scattered the way that you did. Yeah.

He just took another sip. If he's going to drink all of that, he's going to have to sip very rapidly. My goal is to finish this cup by the end of this episode. Without audibly letting the listener know. Nope. And without peeing my pants. I'm confident I can silently drink this water, but I'm not confident about keeping it in. Thank you for joining us on the show today. This is episode 231 of the podcast.

You can follow the show on Twitter at spitballerspod, Instagram.com slash spitballerspod, and we appreciate you subscribing, following the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening, watching on YouTube. Let's get it going. Would you rather? Dweric from the website. Not Derek, but Dweric.

Okay. Okay. Sure. Would you rather have to chew all food with your mouth open? That's gross. Or do a three-second gargle of every drink that you take. That would be ear cups. Oh, no.

Ear cups. Oh, gosh. Delicious. That was unplanned. This is great. Yeah, you brought your big cup so we could experiment on these type of things the gargles gross they're both i mean mixed company gargles either of these gargle is not as gross as chewing with your mouth open i mean i just gargled i don't feel like either of you were grossed out you might not have enjoyed it or wanted it but like chewing with your mouth open,

you're watching the digestive system process too closely. Can you chew with your mouth open and not make all the smacking sounds? Because when you're trying to bother someone, you do the mum, mum, but could you get a good chew without all the slobbering and smacking? I don't think so. I think the only thing that keeps the sound away is the closure of the lips. You seal off that room that this action's happening in. So it's the soundproof mouth? That's the soundproof lips are what keeps you steady.

Otherwise, I mean, at the very least, if you were going to try to silently chew with your mouth open, your lips can't come together and then go back. That's pretty gross. Put yourself, though, in the bar scenario. Like you're at an event. Maybe you're at a cocktail hour, and you have a drink. I mean, you're in close company. We have a little distance here where we're less grossed out

because when you gargle, there's projectile potential. Yeah, that's true. You're not going to be able to. And they'll be like, take a sip of your drink. Like a fine whiskey. Oh, are you always making like Sommelier comments about what you're drinking? It's a birchy afterbirth. You'd have to turn it into your thing. Cominier comments about what you're drinking? Oh. Ah.

It's a birchy afterbirth. You'd have to turn it into your thing. You know? Right. Like, this is something you're proud of. This drink. Oh, man, this drink. Here we go.

Thank you. And here's something to weigh. You're having a sip of a beverage far more throughout the day than you are actually eating something. So this is... Yeah, it's every drink you take. It's funny because I thought the opposite. What? The reason I am drinking all this water today is because I think I have realized I don't take liquids in. Okay.

I eat all the time shocker um but i don't i you know i don't i can go a whole day without like having a drink sometimes what i think that's a whole no a whole day it's not good for you i mean i'll have a drink usually with a meal. So, yes, even there. But, yeah, I mean, I think that there are times I just don't really drink liquid. I have to go. I'm going to do the chew with your mouth open and all my eating will be in private. That's fair. At least you could get away with it. You'll have to excuse me.

I imagine I would. I need to use the bathroom. I will drape my napkin in front of my face while i'm chewing at a restaurant so i could still so i could still go bring like a mask yeah bring like a handkerchief and you tie it on i'm normal yeah i'm i'm gonna gargle every time that i wait it says a three secondssecond gargle? Yes, because you are not properly weighing the three seconds plus all of the drinking. I felt like gargling what I just did when I gargled. That was not a three.

No, it wasn't close. I don't even know if that was a full one. It might have been a one and a quarter. It's certainly three seconds to gargle everything. I didn't realize how long. I guess I'm chewing with my mouth open like a degen. Yeah. Okay.

Stefan from Patreon. Would you rather have all citizens required to take a yearly test of the country's history and laws or have a requirement of 20 hours of community service each year? Okay. So we're doing some good here. Yeah. So the government is is put into place uh it reminds me of like when you're a real estate agent you got to do your

yearly test to stay up to date now continuing education continuing education and you got to do your continuing you got to do your contribution every year to get what i need an update though maintain citizenship okay so should you fail yeah oh that's because i got what a yearly test okay you just show up and you take the test who cares is it just so that we have the information for like a census type of a thing but or or is there could there be a consequence should you not get a 60%? That is everything in this question. Because if the question is just citizens have to take a test, who cares? So what? You know what I mean?

Like, oh, I got an F again. As opposed to having to pass the test. Having to pass the test is a whole different. This is like a driver's license, right? Like, pretend they make you come and do a driving test every year. They're going to take your license away. Okay, so they take my citizenship away if i don't know the history of our country and some important laws you might get a redo once before they put you i don't know on a boat or

something and send you out to sea i like my citizenship and i would have that go bye-bye how you would study how confident are you guys zero if you took a generic uh citizenship test like do you know things like how many congressmen are there uh the in the house or the senate yeah either the senate house is 250 something i think like i think if we if you give me multiple choice, I think I can get there. It's 535 total. I was going to say 500. I was way off. It's 435 in the House. 435?

100 in the Senate. Since when? I mean, I've always heard that when you are immigrating into America, the test that you take for your citizenship. Oh, we would all fail that. Yeah, I was going to say, you have to learn a lot. Now, we wouldn't have failed it when we were learning it in sixth grade. Maybe. I mean, that's when we knew it, but you do forget a lot, and this would make you not only memorize that, but the laws. So I guess I'm looking at these as saying, okay, the 20

hours of community service helps others. Yeah. The country's history and laws, I'm trying to figure out how that helps others. And I guess having an idea of the laws would benefit society if everybody knew them. I think it would be a tremendous help to really know the history, really know the laws. I think you improve society that way. But if everyone has to do a real 20 hours

and not the fake 20 hours of, uh, right. My buddy's parents, they, they work at the Y just go ahead and sign off on this. No, like real 20 hours.

A lot of good would be done. It's funny. Cause we give so many tax credits and loopholes and financial incentives and subsidies and credits for electric vehicles. And we don't have any of that thing, any of those things in place where like, obviously this question says you have to do one of them, but what if this was just an option? What if like 20 hours of community service lowered your tax bracket? Ooh. Okay. I am in.

It's optional because what money money talks right but like go help your fellow man and we'll pay for it actually makes a lot of credit that that makes actual logical helpful sense but we don't do that well that's why that's why we do that's why we don't do it that makes far too much sense I'm for both of these things. Follow-up question. How many amendments are in the Constitution? Oh, my goodness.

I'm going to say somewhere between 19 and 25. Okay. That's a range, but okay. 19 to 25. What are we on, highway to spell? I guess I'll just guess 19. Okay. But I feel like there's 20, 25. I'm going to guess 25. Okay, 25. What are we on, highway to spell? I guess I'll just guess 19. Okay. But I feel like there's 20, 25.

I'm going to guess 25. So I will go 24. And Price is Right rules. It's 27. Andy takes it. Oh, very nice. Okay. I know a few of them.

So if you have to choose one, though, you have to choose it. Your favorite amendment. Which one do you think would be more i was i was right there with you which one which one would you choose for i'm going to the citizens of the country i'm going 20 hours 20 hours of of community service for everybody jason i think that would make a more actionable difference. In the end, I believe that good is done with that, and with the test and the knowledge, I think you hope that people can be wiser, and I don't think they will be.

All right, Chrissy from Twitter, would you rather dream vividly every night, but have all the memories forgotten by morning? Okay, so. That just ruins it. What a rollercoaster. Doesn't let me finish the sins. Or have an average dream that you remember for the rest of the day.

I mean, I don't know how. You have to pick an average dream. You almost have to. Here's my rationale for that. There are literal, there's a medication you can take where you are going to forget the medical procedure you have, you know, so that. The twilight sleep. Yeah, exactly. Because you need to be cognizant for the surgery.

And so you can go in and have surgery done and it could be the most horrific thing and you just don't know about it. And as soon as that medication kicks in and you don't know about it, it never happened. It didn't happen. It's worthless. There's no point in it. Let me put it this way. Is a good time forgotten a good time? That is an excellent question.

And I think it is. Okay. I think that if you, in the moment, are having a good time, because, okay, here's my question. Because a lot of times, you know, for people who actually have dreams, you wake up and you're just emotionally set in a direction. You don't necessarily remember what happened. Subconscious. emotionally set in a direction. You don't necessarily remember what happened. Okay, subconscious. But if you had a good dream, you wake up, you're like, I had a good dream. And that was, you know, I won $2 million.

You're saying your mood's going to be. Your mood can be affected, absolutely, by dreams where, you know, you wake up, you had a bad dream, you wake up in a panic, your heart rate is up. So, I mean, the physiology of your body has changed from the dream, even if you don't remember it. And if you had, you'd be excited to go to sleep every night. It begs a much broader question, which is like, you get to live an amazing life, but then you forget it. Right.

At the end. Or you live a horrible life, but you get to remember it. Which would you choose? You're 75, and that's the moment it happens. Oh, man. Do you want to remember a bad life, or do you want to have a good one you don't remember? You want to remember. Otherwise, it didn't happen.

I mean, you say, Mike, you are excited to go to sleep. No, you're not. You don't know you have them. You don't know you want to remember otherwise it didn't happen i mean you say mike you are excited to go to sleep no you're not you don't know you have them you don't know you have those great dreams i know i know i have them i just don't remember what they are but how do you know that you're not having them right now how do you how do you know that every single night lately you haven't had the best dream of all time because it didn't happen maybe it did it doesn't matter to you because it didn't happen because you can't remember it. Our life experience is just memory. Now you're

just walking into what is actually real. What is life? I don't remember that I had a good dream last night. Did I just wake up today and everything is just like it's an implant of memories that are that were put there is there awake is there not awake so

in this i'm choosing to believe that in this scenario i know that there is a a very vivid excellent dream that that i am a part of. And I know that that's going to happen. And I know that in the moment I will be really enjoying it. I wake up, I won't recall exactly what happened, but I'll be like, I know something good happened. I would choose that option for all of my friends and family so that I don't have to hear about their dreams.

Yes. Oh, dude their dreams. Yes. Oh, dude. Yes. Yes. There's nothing worse. And we've all been the sharer, too. We've all been like, no, no, no. This shit's so real to me.

Yeah. Oh, no. No. That is the worst. Nobody wants to hear about your dreams. Nobody. I want to hear about your hopes and dreams. I'm going to put my wife on blast right now.

I'm going to share. Put my wife in this as well. And I always finish everyone with, cool story, bro. Me too. This morning, she goes, and she wanted full attention for the recitation of the dream. She said, I had this dream. And Mike, believe it or not, you and your wife were in the dream. Okay.

And she said it was like the apocalypse and there was a zombie attack and we were all going into like some big safe house. You had the right people. And she goes, and all I could think about in the dream is whether or not we have enough dog food. And that was the whole dream. It wasn't the zombies. It was whether there was enough dog food for the dogs.

Just be happy that all my wife dreams is that I've cheated on her. And then I'm a bad guy. I'm like, I didn't do anything. I went to sleep. Those are so funny. I just had the dream conversation where I was already up for the morning. I'm already in go mode. I've been the wife asleep again.

I've had my coffee I'm starting my weekend stuff which is you know pick up around the house find jobs to do and she wakes up and she's trying to tell me about this dream and I'm like there was a slight pause

and I took that as this is the end so I left the room and she's like, you left the room. Get back here. You don't want to hear the rest of my dream? And I'm like, no. Oh, the leaving a room in the middle of a thought

when you think it's over. I've done that before on other things. Do you creep out like the Pink Panther? I thought you think it's over i've done that before and i creep out like the pink panther i mean i thought you were done just getting the chores started you may not have been done but i was done that begs the question no i think that was the that's all you dreamt i think that begs the question when was the constitution written oh what year we're back to this yeah this is not the Declaration of Independence. The Constitution. So 1787, 1807. Okay.

1803. That much later? I'm going in the 1700s. I'm going to go 1800s. I'm going to go 1784. Oh, 1787. Oh, man. You are so close.

We're so close to staying in the country. That's what I'm saying. Multiple choice. Oh, yeah. You are so close. We're so close to staying in the country. That's what I'm saying. Multiple choice. Oh, yeah. Multiple choice will smash. If it's like a paragraph for every answer, we're in trouble. All right. Let's move on.

Man of the people all right we are uh back with man of the people make some space over here we'll let alex explain the game again he's so good at it sure yeah we surveyed 100 people top five answers are on the board uh you get three points if you get the first answer two points if you get the second answer one Two points if you get the second answer. One point if you get any other answer. We're doing seven rounds. Final round is worth double the points. Bring it. We've got our buttons here, which are always really good for the audio podcast.

They're good. They're playing along at home. All right. Hands on the table. Hands on the table. Round one, gentlemen. Name a decision that people do not make lightly. Marriage.

That is the number one answer. Dang it, that was my answer. That was my answer. Keep an eye on those buttons. I will reset them. College. College is not on the board. I'm very disappointed in that.

Man, I'm going to go job. That is the number five answer, so you get one point for that. Wow. Schooling was not on the board. Are we not going to school anymore? We just don't care a lot. We just make that decision. We got marriage.

We got divorce. We got buying a house, having children, and a job. Wait, a house is above children? It is. I'm going to think a little bit more about this one. If you reversed it, you'd get a better house. Yeah. All right.

I didn't want any points anyway. Move on. All right. Round two. During your morning routine, name something you'd hate to discover wasn't working. The coffee machine. Jason had no answer. I think he just slapped the button. I didn't answer. discover wasn't working. The coffee machine. Jason had no answer. I think he just slapped the button.

I had the answer. I can't say. Okay. All right, Mike, you got the number two answer with coffee maker. Okay, I'll take it. Keep an eye on those buttons. Keep your mind out of the gutter. Here we go.

I will go with the water is off. The water is not working. Shower is the number one answer Jason you got an answer for us I'm going to go electricity So my alarm clock didn't go off Oh electricity is not on there But alarm clock is

So you get one point for that That was the reason for it Mike is the fastest buzzer here. I gave him the good one. All right, guys. Round three. Name something someone might eat in the hospital. Jell-O.

Oh, that's such a good answer. It is the number one answer. Oh, man. You got to get that Jell-O. All right. Keep an eye on those buttons. Fruit. Fruit is not on those buttons. Fruit. Fruit is not on the board.

What? I didn't think so. In the hospital? I didn't think so when I heard it. All right. I will go mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes is not on the board. I bet that's not on the board either.

All right, Mr. Hospital, give us the list, Andy. Pudding. Yes. That's different than Jell-O? Yes, it is. Okay. You want to keep going? Yeah.

Sandwich. Oh, boy. No, I just got pudding and Jell-O. In order, we got Jell-O, soup, ice cream, pudding, applesauce. Oh, that makes sense. That's why I went mashed potatoes. Soup makes sense. Because it was all, can you gum this food or drink this food?

Yeah, and I went fruit because, you know, it's healthy. Not part of a hospital diet. You ever been to a hospital food court? They have some great food, but it's all fried. They do. They really do. Their cafeterias are always great. I love it when my friends get sick so I can go down there and grab a bite.

And it's cheap. It's cheap. I don't check in on them, but I've got an excuse. It's cheap. I'll go say hi and I'll be like, you know what? I'll come back in a minute. You get some rest. You want anything from the cafeteria?

That's right. It is cheap, by the way. Yeah, because the hospital is just super expensive. They're like, we'll give them a little bit of a deal on the food, so when the bill shows up, they're not as mad. We build it into the Band-Aids. A $3 lunch and a $36,000 surgery, yeah. All right, through three rounds, we got in.

Yeah, I said rounds. I got it. We got Andy with six. Mike with five. Jason with two. All right. Nonsense. All right.

Round four. Name something in a regular house that might be missing in a bachelor pad. Oh, crap. Oh, Mr. Quick. Three. Two. Bed frame. Hey, furniture is the number one answer you got it yeah baby yeah oh bed frame okay i get what you're going i don't understand i get what

mattress is just on the ground on the floor did you like i get it did you when you were by yourself when i lived by myself my mattress was just on the ground, when I lived by myself, my mattress was just on the ground. Yeah, when I lived by myself, my mattress was on the ground. I had the fake frame. It was not elevated. It was just a mattress that kind of had a border around it. It was on the ground. Was that legal?

That was legal. You got to keep an eye on those buttons. Yes. I was going to say, this is not at a bachelor pad, right? Right. Might be missing from a bachelor pad. Yeah. I'm going to say food.

Number two answer. That was a good answer. That was my only other answer. Repeat the question, please. Name something in a regular house that might be missing in a bachelor pad. Three, two, one. Hygiene products. That's a great great answer but it's not on the board perfect that's how i like we got furniture food decorations family and appliances family oh that's

a good one i was trying to think of stuff with the kids it made sense but i didn't think of naming the kids what's funny is i originally heard what's in a normal house. It's not at a bachelor party. I don't even understand how that makes sense. That's a different question. All right. Mike and Andy tied with eight. Jason down at two. I got this, guys.

You got that last round. Double points. You're in it. All right. Here we go. What accent might an American pretend to have in order to sound sexier? Oh, you can. No, no, you get. Oh, I have to let it finish

before I hit the button? No, he needs to stop reading the second someone buzzes in. Oh, that is true. I should have done that. I'm going to reset the buttons. Keep an eye on them. Okay.

Oh. French. Number one answer. English. Number two answer. Okay. What? You got none left.

Three. Spanish. Two. That is the number four answer. You get one point. Okay. Italian and Australian were the other two on the list. Australian?

I thought about it. I think that's a good answer. Really? Yeah. But to sound sexy? All right. Scottish. You ever listen to him?

I've listened to Chris Hemsworth talk. Yeah. We got Margot Robbie. It's, yeah. Good day! Now, not Crocodile Dundee, but go on. That was so sexy, Mike. All right.

Through five rounds, we got Andy with 11, Mike with nine, Jason with four. This is the last round worth normal points, and then we will go into our championship round. Name an activity that could be rained out a sporting event number one answer yes what you gotta get the timing right my brother wedding number three. That's worth one point. A parade. He laughed at you. It's just out of the blue. That is not on the board. It's literally a phrase.

What? Don't rain on my parade. Yeah. But you want to know why it's a phrase? Because they don't stop the parade. It sucks. It's like, oh, don't rain on my parade. It doesn't get canceled. All right. We got sporting event number like, oh, don't rain on my parade. Doesn't get canceled.

All right, we got sporting event number one, picnic number two, wedding number three. Picnic. Concert and barbecue are the next two. Okay. Who's even going on a picnic? We need to picnic more. We don't picnic enough. We don't as a people.

You guys want to do a company picnic? No. Brooks, are you in on that? Nobody wants to. I'm ready. You want to sit in a pile of ants? Because no one wants to do all this food preparation, then travel with the food for multiple miles, and you're like, hey, we've got this sort of fresh sandwich here.

You want to sit on the ground and eat it? We got a lumpy hill here we could sit on. There's certainly no bugs. There'll be pickleball, though. At a picnic? Yeah. I'm in. Wait. Yeah, he's in now. He's in. Food and pickleball? Come on. At a picnic? Yeah. I'm in. Wait.

Yeah, he's in now. He's in. Food and pickleball? Come on. We'll hit the park. I'm in on that part, but I just... You want to go rollerblading, Mike? We can go rollerblading at the picnic.

All right. All right. We are six rounds in. This is the final round worth double points. So technically, Jason could still win. Oh, yeah. Even though we're sitting with Andy. That would be such a slap in the face.

Andy's got 12. Mike's got nine. Jason though we're sitting with Andy. That would be such a slap in the face. Andy's got 12. Mike's got 9. Jason is at 7. Final round. Name an occasion for which people return to their hometown. Wedding. That's the number three answer. No, no.

Keep an eye on those buttons. Class reunion. That is the number one answer. Oh, yeah! Let let's go andy go ahead family reunion wait isn't that what mike said he said class reunion oh it just says reunion yeah it's the number one answer okay you can try again so i'll give you the yeah already been so he got So he gets both of those? Yeah.

Please repeat the question. Name an occasion for which people return to their hometown. Three, two, one. Parents' retirement. Let me guess. Family. Family. Come on.

We got reunion at number one, Christmas at number two wedding at number three funeral at number four and a birthday for number five mike is our big man of the people class reunion my butt i know that meant family reunion nope i don't think it did all right we are moving on the spitballers draft i can't confirm it but i think that um i think that's the story of man of the people for me and every single one of these i think i'm always up until the final question. All right. And to be fair, now that we've heard it, Christmas is a very obvious answer.

Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. And it wasn't even like. It was not anywhere. Like I knew funeral would be on there. That wasn't there. Now, before we get to this great draft, I just have a question. Who was president during World War One?

World War One. No, not not franklin no he was too no i'm not later right i'm not going to wait oh he was right around it could be that was around the same time for some reason i can't remember which so franklin was world war two two yeah because he gave the pearl harbor speech or war one I, I'm going to go with Truman. Mike? Harry S. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, that's what he had. I'm going to go with Woodrow Wilson. Oh, Woodrow. Oh well would row that's. Yeah. OK. Let's drag our stuff. We're drafting. That was. Let me see here for a second. That would be Harry S. Truman. Harry Harry um I've heard it stands for uh nothing it was a compromise of his last name of his grandfathers did not stand for any name the S the S was in there it's like Brooks his grand no because his grandfathers were Anderson Ship Truman and Solomon Young and they wanted to put the S in there for honoring both of them. I mean, I've heard that name countless times, but never like that.

No. No. Into the draft. What do you got, Jay? We are drafting the best ways to cover up a fart. Okay. All right. Let's see here.

So I get the first. This is not a great draft to have the first pick. But you do have more, I would say, experience with this one. I do have some experience with this. I'm going to go with one that was, look, this might be the 101 in the draft, but it was like the last one I could even think of. I'm scratching, I'm clawing, I'm just trying to build this list this list i've never tried it out but i think if you fart into a pillow you are safe so take your seat totally sound absorption yeah yeah that would i think you're gonna even have some smell

absorption there can i sit on a pillow let her rip okay all right let me ask a question related to farts because it's important obviously you've been sitting when you need to let one rip most often i've been known to be a walker though i i uh yeah you're more of an everyman in every situation but when you do the lean onto one cheek sure can other people tell i always think i get away with it but i just want to know can anybody tell that i'm leaning up a little bit on one side and what i might be doing no because you you could just be you know like adjusting your back like it's that's why you do a rock if you if you you go one way and then quickly shift post fartis and then you fart yeah then you're good all right i will go with uh j went with farting into a pillow as the best way to cover up a fart.

I'm going to go with a sneeze. Oh, yes. Now, there are two ways to cover it up. There is the sound. There is the smell. And maybe the pillow does a little of both until the next person puts their head on that pillow. But I'm going to go with the sneeze, the well-timed sneeze. Okay. You will get someone to say god bless

you about your fart sometimes the sneeze is the cause oh for you i've had that happen before wow i didn't know it could be the cause oh yeah a real power sneeze you ever seen the chiropractic uh like there's a lot of videos that go around where people are getting their backs adjusted and stuff, and then sometimes that is a cause. I mean, it's the same idea of you're putting pressure on the torso. Yeah. You just have to- Squeeze one out.

Yeah. All right. Harry S. Truman. Mike, you're too- Presidents during World War I. I don't, when're too... President during World War I. When was he president? During World War I. That would have been...

30s maybe? No, Woodrow Wilson was the answer. Or Woodrow. No, but when was Harry S. Truman the president? Truman was after. Just probably... Yeah, 30s. No, when was...

Because late 30s was World War II and like the... When was the Great Depression? 45 to 53 is when Truman served. Oh, really? I'm thinking of Hoover. Oh, that Hoover. All right, Mike, two picks. All right.

Best way to cover up a fart. I feel like the it's it's it's boring. It's vanilla. It's plain Jane. But it kind of like a sneeze was like the cough. The cough is is got to be the go-to. Don't mind me. If you're in a crowded situation,

should you be able to cough loud enough? If you can time up a sneeze, that works, but you can't do a fake sneeze. A fake cough, much easier to replicate than a fake sneeze. Fake sneeze looks pretty fake

you just keep winding up because you're not ready for the fart oh it's coming uh any any moment oh i thought i had to sneeze all right mike you have cough and uh what's your second pick and uh for this one it's it blew my mind uh we learned so much uh on this fine podcast i learned i learned about the cheek spread yes oh it's on my list on this this show, which I've- Wait, if you spread them, then it comes out quieter? It's like a silencer. It's a silencer. I mean, think about when you have pressure being forced through a narrow gap, it's going to create a sound.

How do you pull that one off? I mean- Well, you got to do the lean. Oh, you get your hand down there, though? Oh, yeah. I'm imagining myself. This is like a conversation. So maybe I have an itch on both of my butt cheeks at the exact same time.

So you're going double. That's not awkward at all. Listen, Mike, pro move. You only need one hand. You don't need. Really? Yes. Yes.

One cheek can solve the problem I feel like he's doing a double I feel like if you just go one cheek you're you are taking on some risk you are taking on some risk that you're also not grabbing I have I have I have failed before but it's got a 90 success rate with one cheek spread to be silent but then you're right you expect the silent oh no that didn't pull far enough there wow um cheek spread silencer okay my pick here in the second round is going to be turning up the tv oh gonna up the TV. And I can say this as well. Turn it up. It kind of mixes in, and I just want to share this.

I have definitely been in the middle of the movie theater waiting for the action scene. Waiting. They got some quiet dialogue, and I'm like, please, please blow something up. Please set off a bomb. Yeah. But no, in the confines of my own home, I think you turn the TV up a little bit. And you wait for the action scene.

Yes. Okay. Okay. So I think the classiest way and the most effective way where no one would know is you preempt your fart with a big old fake fart noise. You just go. A little misdirection. A little misdirection. It's too on point.

You just give them a good, you know, with your tongue. Let everybody see it and just let it go right in the middle. Nobody can hear it or distinguish it. Cover a fart with a fart. Cover a fart with a fart. Cover a fart with a fart. It's genius. This is life changing. How could it go wrong?

Oh, that's so good. Let me tell you how it goes wrong. Look what I can do. It smells. That's how it goes wrong. So we need something here. Or someone's like, how did you do that yeah they heard like this harmonizing we're like how did you fake fart and make it smell right very impressive magician

please brush your teeth um no uh so i'm going to make fart noise while i make the fart noise and i'm gonna light a match at the same time to cover up the smell. Okay? So I'm... Is this one pick or two picks? No, these are two picks. These are two picks to cover up the smell. I'm going to light a match. That's just fun.

People like to light matches. No, they don't. Oh, I love to light matches. I mean, yes, I like lighting it, but not like casual conversations. Yeah, I just got little matches in my pocket. Check this out. Check this out. and then like the match

no one knows you are it's like a gag together it's like my fake fart look look at what this match sounds like it sounds like this and then and then you blow it out no one wow no one can hear it no one can smell it you're in the clear oh my goodness um we've all been we've all been down the road where sometimes you know you're gonna have a gassy night yep sometimes it's not just sneaking one out sometimes it's like tonight's tonight is set up for multiple hours and those are the nights i like to microwave some salmon i like to cook up some fish in the house because i can go where i can fart anywhere i want to fart because you're not smelling nothing but that fish. That's a great idea.

I'm cooking up some fish in the old microwave. That's a great idea. You know, make some Brussels sprouts. Yeah. Put some salmon. Put some salmon on. Ooh, anybody else want fish? I'll be in the kitchen.

All right, Mike, you get to. That's a tremendous answer. All right, Mike, you get to... That's a tremendous answer. I'm going to go... So this one would work especially good for our personnel because I know what Jason's reaction would be. But should I scream spider? Oh, gosh, I'm gone.

Really just reel out with a point. They're running away from you. People are either going to run or they're going to turn. Maybe there's someone in the crowd that will shriek. And at that point, I slip through. Wow. As it would be. And I've alerted, I've misdirected people and put them.

That's almost like. Got them a little scared it's like pulling the fire alarm yeah you also you helped them if there was a spider there i want to know yes and then the the last one i will go with so my fourth pick to close out the draft is i had i've i'm in the conversation oh i'm sorry. I have to take this phone call really quick. And I need to remove myself. And then, of course, I'm talking. Hello?

I can't hear you. Very nice. Very nice. Just excuse yourself for a quick phone call. And then, oh, spam. Excuse me one second. I just got to be right back. All right.

My final pick. They won't stop calling me i think i'm going to go with the and i don't know if anybody's ever pulled this off i think it's very doable but i'm gonna go with the casually opening the window to enjoy the breeze oh i like it it's. What a nice evening. I would love to see what that breeze feels like on my back. I love the wind on my neck. Can I sit on the windowsill? Just do some calisthenics right next to the open window. The casually opening a window.

Let's get a deep hamstring stretch. I'm going to climb right out of this thing. Oh, I'm stuck. My butt is hanging out. Someone help me back. My butt is falling out the window. All right. Look, this one only works in a room of two or more other people.

If it's just two. You're in trouble? You're in trouble. Hold on, hold on. Oh, so you need you need you need a room full of three or more got it in my head i thought you said it works with two or more as in as if you have to cover up your farts when you're in a room alone yes look if you want to trick yourself and have no idea that you farted. Here's the 10-step process. No, this one is just, this is a classic.

It's a misdirection. Okay. And you're upset about it. Ooh. It's gross. Who farted? And you jet. You get out of there.

Yeah. You got, oh, that is foul. Smelted, dealt it. How many times in your life has somebody brought up that someone farted and it has been you and you know it and you have played stupid? I remember in grade school. Definitely. Yes, definitely.

And you almost overplay. You oversell. You overact. You're like, oh, this is so bad. Who would do such a thing? We're all trying to figure out who did it that's exactly right yeah when you're young and you don't have the confidence of realizing this everyone has has a toot toot everyone's now see when i was young it's certainly i would be so embarrassed yeah and if someone said oh who farted

i'd be looking around with them like i want to find out someone for now, if I was in a group and someone said who farted and they looked at me, I would be trying to not laugh. I wouldn't, I wouldn't succeed. They, they'd know exactly who farted because wait, who farted? They'd scan the faces.

Crack it up right in the middle of the crowd. One face is beat red. Unbelievable. This has been a spectacular draft. I have a few backups. Yeah, I have some as well. I thought about spritzing my- Wait, is the draft over?

Yes, it is. Oh, wow. We did it. We did it. I thought about, I know this one is like fighting a smell with a smell, but I'd rather be the guy that burped than the guy that farted. Oh. I thought you could burp.

Okay. I thought you could spritz your butt with some cologne I don't know how that would work I don't know if that's mixing Adam molecules together in a bad way That's like the rose smelling And then I also thought about maybe carrying a kazoo

on me at all times Oh that's a good one Have you heard this one? Or like a pitch pipe Like you're trying to get the barbershop. A pitch pipe. Me, me, me. All right, Jason, you have any others?

I have a classic that I learned from Mike, which is, does anybody smell popcorn? It doesn't cover it. No, that's a highlighting. It covers the humiliation of it that's highlighting and making sure that someone notices yeah i have play the drums which you know you can do on anything just oh okay just give us good give a good rip i'm bad i like it drum roll on your uh desk i had uh crying just start sobbing's dangerous. I might attract some hugs in the middle of the... Hey, but it's not...

Stay over there. I want to be alone. I just thought of something really sad. All right. Anything else? Is that it? That's perfect. I have...

The squeaky chair. Yeah, for sure. Moving the squeaky chair. I think Al's enjoying these very much. I hear him cackling. My actual one that I do pretty often is a single lap around the car. Because it always so happens, it's right before I got to get into a car, I'm trying to get him out.

And I know if I get in that car too quick, I'm bringing it with me. You got to cut the trail. I'm looking at those tires, man. If you if I get in that car too quick, I'm bringing it with me. You got to cut the trail. Do you? I'm looking at those tires, man. If you're in the car, do you let it go? Or are you holding out until you're done with the trip? Is my family in the car? Yeah.

I'm letting it go. What did we learn today? I learned about Harry Truman. One of our great presidents. Respected president of the United States. Woodrow was the answer though, right? Yes, World War I was Woodrow. I learned the one. It's just one cheek for the silencer.

Well, with the risk, if you want the 100%, probably 99%. There's still a 1% chance. There's still a sphincter there. I learned that Jason is on a water quest right now, and he is not doing very good. Oh, shoot. Oh, no. He filled up this giant water cup and drank not even half of it, except he is attempting to chug it before the end of the show.

Thank you for tuning in, everyone. Please tell your friends about the podcast. Jason did. He did it. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out