Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Big Shoe Diet & The Best Ways To Spend A Rainy Day - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

Spit Hit for February 8th, 2024: We’ve got a hilarious episode for you today! Find out what’s got Jason looking so trim these days. We also discuss little baby boils, lizard people, and shower shorts. Don’t know what any of that could mean? Tune in to find out! We also shut it down with a draft of the best ways to spend a rainy day! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Drip, drop, flip, flop, beep, bida, beep, bop. Woo! drip drop flip flop beep bida beep bop woo uh okay look I I didn't know what to expect

because this is the closest to the morning that I think we've asked Mike to scat and Mike is not known as a morning or afternoon guy. I'm right there with him. I mean, usually when I wake up, there's about 722 messages from Andrew Holloway

and his cups of coffee. And company, and company. Sure. Fellow early birds. It is mostly you with a couple responses to what you're posting. You usually have some coffee emojis that have flames coming out of it. That's fair. That are posted.

Do those resonate? Oh, yeah. I know what's going on in your life. By the time I wake up and see that you're two hours into a solid work day. We're in different time zones. Yes, we are. what's going on in your life when I, by the time I wake up and see that you're two hours into a solid work day. Yes, we are. I think your response to what Jason was saying that has brought something up to me that I've never really thought about.

Why are we so at ends? That's a phrase, right? I don't think so. It's a perfect- At odds? At odds. At odds and I don't know. There's something

keep our ends out of it turn a phrase right which we are masters of uh morning people yeah and night people night owls i believe is what they're called there's no night people yeah it's also it's early worms and night owls okay that's true yeah that's that's very fair uh let's just let's just all shake hands like you think we need to get along yeah because because you could tell complimentary you could tell by when jason was talking about you you felt like you had to come into the defense that's true of mourning people and it's like i feel a level of resentment at how much they have he has to catch up and it shouldn't be that way. Because your body is hardwired.

It's a wonderland, as our good friend JM would say. But your body is just wired that way. I have tried. I have tried for years and years and years. How old is your oldest? 14? About to be 14. So that's how many years you've tried. I've tried to become a morning person.

I still wake up early very frequently. My body never, ever likes it. It's never adapted? Never. Never, ever. I was just talking to my wife about this because she was saying, I want to get more active and work out

because I had gotten in a workout regimen of doing it in the morning. And it's terrible. These people are like, just get up and rise and shine. No, it's awful. Every single time. It's terrible. Who's the actor that's part of the 3 a.m. club? Oh, Mark Wahlberg.

He's always. Yeah. And The Rock. The Rock and him get up super early. Because those guys are like, well, you sleep for three hours. And I'm like, you, sir, are a filthy liar. Well, they are wired different. I mean, that's the thing.

I was reading... No, human beings are not wired to survive on three to four hours of sleep. Right, but we know they're not human beings. Like, that's... Okay. They're lizard people. They're not human beings. They're not human beings.

They are lizard people. But I was reading Atomic Hab atomic habits and one of the things is like what you say about yourself causes you to believe it so if you say like i'm not a morning i believe that yeah but that's nonsense because i mean there is some truth to that for sure but i've seen it like i started doing the same thing with me like I'm not going to say I'm not a morning person. I can get up. I can be a morning person. It just takes 20 years of practice, and then maybe someday I'll be a morning person because, I mean, it don't work. It don't work. There is truth to a positive mindset.

I believe that. But I think that your body— There's self-fulfilling prophecies if you say like, I am- It's like introversion, extroversion. I know people are introverts and people are extroverts, but it doesn't do an introvert very much good when they need to go out and do something to say, oh, I'm just this other kind of person. Right.

Because then it just, it self-fulfills. It's like, I'm not- That sounds like an extrovert talking. See, I think- Yeah, maybe. Although I- You don't go home after the party you're like good lord oh i'd hope i never have to talk to another person for the next five years

but i see what he's saying like people can be partially not morning people and partially night owls yeah and and you can still do it like i can still get up in the morning but it sucks every time right if it is a negative thing right, right? If it's a hardship upon you. Right. It doesn't do you a service to constantly remind you. You know, it's like, I deal with anxiety. I just want everybody to know I have anxiety. Well, the more you say that, the less helpful it is to you because now you are really, really confident in your anxiety.

Not that you don't deal with anxiety but maybe don't like wear the shirt that says i have anxiety my back back to the original point is morning people shouldn't feel like they're under attack from night people in the same way that night people don't shouldn't feel like they're under attack from morning people now these now i'm picturing like we're in blade and there's day walkers and I don't know what's happening. We change shifts. You clunk it. The vampires are certainly not morning people. Correct.

Who wins? Okay. And they're the sexiest of monsters. In a war. Okay, because I presume in about 40 years there will be a war between the night owls and the morning people because morning people are toast see that's what i'm wondering or do they fight in the darkness we're used to the night and the darkness they need that sunrise to really get going but

um i i also wonder if they're coffee dependent people if their diligence and you know early if they attack early i mean that could be a real problem. We might still be awake. Oh, that's true. We can wrap around. That's right. Okay. You can wrap around.

Wait, if you call the morning the night, will you feel better? Oh, absolutely. The greater point being we should all be able to get along, but night people are superior. Right. Yes. Perfect. That's the point of your whole. Yes.

Okay. I had to work through it but okay so now i need to defend myself again all right uh welcome into the spitballer sandy mike and jason with you we're going to kick it off with a review review asaurus rex oh this one comes in from cory saluti PSA to Fathers 5 Stars. This is my first ever Apple podcast review. I felt this necessary. Fathers, husbands, be aware. No, beware, be aware. Andy, Mike, and Jason are so funny. You should be aware of listening to this show when your wife has had a really bad day or when putting your kids to bed plus so many more family situations your desire to take care of your family is no match for the instinctual need to laugh at this hilarious show you will make your

wife stay worse you will wake your child up be aware be responsible but keep listening so their wife has a bad day and if you have the the airpods in you may chuckle too much for your wife's bad day i have i have so many i have a psa for cory maybe take the airpods out and share this with your wife and children you'll all have a good time yeah you're keeping it a little bit secret. Yeah, well, if you get home and you're like, oh, man, we all can read it. The spouse is like, something has gone wrong here. You don't look at him like, you sure seem grumpy. Plop, AirPods in.

I'm out of here. Corey, don't be putting your kids in the bed while you're listening to the podcast. Thank'm out of here. Don't be putting your kids in the bed while you're listening to the podcast. Thank you for the review. Hey, but hey, tell your friends about the show. Would you rather? All right, Spencer from the website. Would you rather have the voice of Sam Elliott or Morgan Freeman? Oh, I didn't see that.

I can't do a Morgan. Yeah, I don't think any of us. Oh, no, but let's try it out, Andy. Go for it. Oh, I remember Andy Dufresne. Okay. That's not bad. It's not good.

It's not good. It's a lot of pressure. I need to work into it. You know how you do an impression? I think impression people, they have that word. Right. You're like, okay, that's the word. That's the only phrase I ever go to when I try to do a mediocre Morgan Freeman. You have to say Andy Dufresne.

Andy Dufresne. Sam Elliott, do you get the mustache? No. Do you want the mustache? No. Do you want the mustache? Are you required to grow it once you have the voice? I don't think you're required, but should you choose to grow a mustache with that voice, the mustache is now

not creepy, but pretty cool. Because there are creepy mustaches, for sure. I want the Sam Elliott voice. Without question, I want the Sam. There is almost nothing I am more jealous of when I, if I'm watching TV, if I'm watching movies, you know, they've all got great bodies. You know, these are celebrities and actors who care for their bodies and their crafts, know unlike me and so you might be like oh i'm so jealous of you know the the athletic swimmer type body they have no what i am truly jealous of you want the

voice are the voices of these these certain men who can no longer be a bad actor genuinely interesting they couldn't say something in a way that appears or comes across as a bad actor because their voice is so deep and so specific that you just believe and trust everything they say i've seen it a million times in shows and it's and i'm so jealous of it the word that you said there was the one I was going to go to, which is trust. And there's a reason, like, if I hear a British actor or actress, for whatever reason, I trust them more. They're smarter. The only American voice inflection that I trust is, like,

a Sam Elliott Morgan Freeman where you are narrating with authority. If you walk it, like, the success that they could have in so many fields simply because of their voice. Yeah. I want Sam Elliott simply because I want to grow the mustache and become a full cowboy. Yeah. You lean towards the cowboy for sure. I guess the reason I.

The morning people. The cowboys. They get up early with the. Yeah. That's true. Cowboys have to be early risers. Yeah. Yes. And you have. Yeah. I've seen Yellow true. Cowboys have to be early risers. Yeah. Yes.

And you have. Yeah, I've seen Yellowstone. Like you have the coffee in the in the metal. Yeah. Tin. Oh, yeah. Where is it? You're chewing the ground.

It's 50 percent like half grown up beans in there. But I I would go. I'm pretty confident here. Sam Elliott's voice is lower than Morgan Freeman's voice. Right. I believe so yes and it's not just lower in like the the octave you know where some people like shack you can't understand anything he's saying because what was that that was a that sounded like a cruise ship

did that come through the microphone i had to i hope. I had to bring it up because there's a cruise ship outside the door. We're at the port right now? This is incredible. I've never. We've done probably 2,000 shows in this studio over the last five years between footballers. That is the single loudest horn I have ever heard. I mean, that was.

Very impressive. Wow. I am actually curious. If it's not a boat, it has to be a train. And we're not at a station here. Nor a port. Like they have brought, you know, on the back of some semi truck, a locomotive right to our back door. That's how it works. You were making a point.

I was. I don't remember it. It was probably about how sexy Sam Elliott's how it works. You were making a point? I was. I don't remember it. It was probably about how sexy Sam Elliott's deep voice is. It was that his octave is lower. His voice is low and growly, but it's not like this low octave like Shaq where you can't understand what's being said.

Shaq's voice is like a bass line. He's gigantic i mean i imagine his vocal cords are also large yeah i mean if you just imagine like okay the the amount of air that can vibrate yeah it's like i'm guessing his neck is one yard wide um so that's just a lot of space for air to go i've've never been in the presence of Giants, but I remember the only NBA player I've stood right next to, like shaking hands with, was Charles Barkley. And he's a shorter fellow.

He is. For NBA standards, he's a shorter fellow. Knucklehead. It was the largest. I mean. So you're saying he was still big. He was bigger than anything I mean. But he was still. So you're saying he was still big. He was bigger than anything I could imagine a human being could be.

Like, I was blown away by how monstrous he was. And then to think that there are people that dwarf him is outrageous. So which one are you going with officially, Mike? Officially, Jason. Okay, you go, Sam. Sam Elliott, Morgan Freeman. I'm going the Morgan Freeman. If we're going with the trustworthy voice,

I feel like Morgan Freeman has more range. You like the cadence? Yeah. You like the speed? He can't talk fast. Never talked fast before. No, you just take it low and slow. Oh, Mike.

I would agree with you. He's got more range. Yes. You're kind of typecast when you're growly. Yeah. No, you just take it low and slow. I would agree with you. He's got more range. You're kind of typecast when you're growly, and Morgan Freeman certainly has more range. Sam Milley has done a good job with it, though. He's been in a lot of stuff as a cowboy.

I don't know. Have you seen him? He's been in a couple movies without the mustache. It will shake you to your core. Yeah, it's weird. It's really weird. You know how people, when they don't have a beard, they have a soft jaw?

Yes. He has a soft upper lip. I mean, it's like... Oh, I understand then, Mr. Sam Elliott. I have a negative top lip. It just does not exist. When you don't have a mustache, it's a very strange world. Yeah, I have one lip.

So I was thinking about you know sam's voice of my grandfather uh he had a very very deep voice as well but he was a smoker since uh a very very young man and it changed i was like i wonder you know does sam elliott talked about that so i just i google i'm sure he's been a smoker. But I Google, you know, is Sam Elliott a smoker? But the interesting thing here is the top result is an Amazon.com Alexa, and it says, does Sam Elliott smoke? Answer, Sam Elliott do smoking. Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Thank you, Alexa. Is that where AI is bringing us these days? That is the top result from the Google machine. Answer, Sam Elliott do smoking. I it is. From the Google machine. Answer. Sam Elliott, do smoking. I see it. I Googled it.

You're not lying. You remember the old ads from the 90s. Kids, don't do smoking. Yeah. Don't do smoke. Don't do smoke, kid. I was so jealous of these. This is your brain on smoke. I was so jealous of these type of voices that i actually got a corncob pipe

i tried i tried to just like destroy my vocal cords so i could sound better i'm like this sucks i don't like this at all so i stopped but i legitimately He's like, oh, I don't know. You want a low voice or you want cancer? I was like, give me that voice. Wow. Wow. All right, Allie from the website. Would you rather go back to the very first mobile phone you ever had forever or go back to the very first TV you ever had forever?

Oh, brother. You guys are much older than me, obviously. Much, much, much older. By about a year. Yeah. However, I mean, we're from different kind of like decades. No, we're not from different decades. No, no.

We're living in different, like you guys are in the 40s. Yeah, we're the night people. And I'm in the 30s. That's what I was getting at. Okay. However, I unfortunately am old enough to have had my first TV be a black and white television. Oh. So I would be 100% stuck in black and white.

Wow, that's crazy. I don't remember my first TV. I remember my first TV, but it wasn't black and white. I didn't think people in our generation. But it was a hand-me-down. It was like the parents had, we had a color television. But then you know how everyone has like the sick TV or had We had a color television But then You know how everyone has like the

Sick TV or something Where like you know When your kid is sick You bring it into the room So they can watch TV Okay I don't think everyone has that Yeah

It was a little black and white television And you know They're all box TVs And it would be brought in And it was covered in viruses It was covered in viruses And I What I'm saying is Is like I can live with just a phone that makes a phone call. I could totally live with that.

Can you? Probably. I don't think you could. Yeah, because I can. See, here's the loophole there is I can text on my computer. It's not about texting. Then what's the big deal? All the app functionality.

Airplane tickets. Now you're back to having to print them out. You don't need to be so quick. Going to a concert. I'm just saying, like, I have. Airplane tickets is a problem. Concert tickets is a problem. I've been through this with my kids. I'm like, well, what phone do you give them?

Because we don't. Because you wanted to give them a dumb phone. Right. We're trying to be protective. Let's not get them into social media just yet. Let's give them some more time. So let's go with this phone. And you're like, man, that phone's dumb.

There are a lot of things. We're a Disney family. We go to Disneyland a lot. That's your tickets. That's your tickets to get in. That's your fast pass tickets. So would you watch a black and white television that's 13 inches? No, I'd watch TV on my phone.

I'd pull it out and I'd watch this little six inch screen and I'd be living life. Dude, they're so high def. That is the right answer to the question. It's got to be a phone. I was thinking like, you know, you've got 2FA for a lot of different things. Not anymore. No, you can't access anything without a smartphone it has to be the phone okay all right you're right what was your first phone

I believe my first phone was like maybe one of those old cricket like phones was it oh oh so the the smaller yeah I didn't even flip it was yeah it wasn't a flip my it was like a Nokia looking uh so my first phone I remember it very clearly it was a nokia kind of uh like like the bar phone yeah but it did flip it flipped it had a little cover oh it was a flip cover it was just a flip cover that covered the numbers and you could flip that out oh for no reason dust cover right like a dust that's not even where the microphone was no no You could have ripped that thing off and been fine. So it was just, that was a phone in a case. Or was it actually attached to the phone?

No, it was attached to the phone. It had a hinge and everything. Yeah, it had a hinge and you'd flip it open and pretend like you're on Star Trek. Yeah, okay, I see that. I had the Nokia bar phone, and it had no vibrate function. Yeah, and it had no vibrate function. So, like, you either had your ringer on or you had it just silent. So, a few years later, when you upgraded the next phone, you're like,

look at this thing on silent. I know that you're calling. Yeah, that's so crazy. What happened to Nokia? Phones got smart. The iPhone came in like a giant and smashed everybody all right um i guess we all know the right answer there we got to keep the phones yep scott from patreon would you rather always be overdressed or underdressed for any occasion this is i i you guys i've already proven that my first impulse here today on this show

could be wrong and you've corrected me my first impulse here today on this show could be wrong and you've corrected me my first impulse here is I'd rather be overdressed that is the correct answer because I can be complimented like somebody might notice it but when they notice it it is like oh look how dapper you are the other direction is pure embarrassment it is like if you're at an event and I'm gonna go my mental picture of being underdressed is somehow I'm wearing a bacon neck t-shirt. And it's wrinkly. You're like in some basketball shorts. And it's wrinkly and some basketball shorts.

Or a pair of sweats to the Super Bowl, whatever. And then everybody around you is, you're the bum, man. See, here's the problem with this. Or you're the cool guy. Well, you could pull that off. If you have tattoos, then it's a choice. It's art. It's like Adam Sandler's just like, whatever, man. I wear basketball shorts everywhere because I don't care.

Yeah, but to be fair, he's Adam Sandler and people know that. So you're not going to gonna you know if if some random person you don't know shows up in basketball shorts you'd view it very different than going because when when adam sandler shows up in basketball shorts you don't say this you don't say oh my gosh he's in basketball shorts you say this you say oh my gosh that's adam sandler that's the problem is mike if you wear if you're underdressed at an event, but you're covered in, you know, tattoos and other aesthetic choices, piercings and things. People are just like, that's his look. If I show up that way, it's like he made a mistake.

You know, he should have put something on. He's a lazy bum. Now, here's the problem with this. It says you're always overdressed. So when we're here at the studio. When we're here at the studio, I'm in a button-up, right? Because we don't need that. And for me, I would be in jeans and a button-up.

I would be overdressed for here. But when we go to the wedding, I'm not in a suit where I should be in a suit. I'm overdressed. I'm in a tuxedo. That's fair. And it's not my wedding. You're at, like, the gym, and you're in a suit. I'm overdressed. I'm in a tuxedo. That's fair. And it's not my wedding. You're at like the gym and you're in a suit? Yeah, I mean, this is a problem.

I'm on the elliptical. Just hitting a hard 30 minutes. So sweaty. Imagine. I don't know if you ever get to wear shorts in that choice. Oh, no. No, never. Shorts can never be in overdress unless.

Unless you're in the shower. That's the only place where you're overdressed in shorts. Yes, you have shower shorts. You do have to be overdressed in the shower. Could you imagine the visual to me of seeing a guy working out in a suit on the elliptical is hysterical. Toss the tie over the shoulder. We saw the same thing. I want to toss the tie over the shoulder. We saw the same thing. I want to do this.

I want to dress up in a suit because I get real sweaty and just go work out, get some good social content going. That is. Excuse me. Where's your coat check? Underdressed means I will be in sweats all the time. Sweats or shorts. Oh, that's a good life.

Hey, do I feel like I've reached enough levels of Adam Sandler? Like how many degrees below? I think I'm taking the underdressed because the amount of live your life the amount of times that being overdressed will or being underdressed will be a problem right is is much you know it's it's it's the parent teacher conferences parent teacher conferences funerals that wedding that one's gonna be the big problem funerals is way worse than a wedding you're right a wedding i'm gonna feel like oh man i'm embarrassed i'm underdressed i'm gonna have a funeral i'm gonna say no suits allowed well that's another

issue but like but then i'm underdressed by the way that yeah so now you're in bathing trunks yes but it's a disrespectful thing at funerals what exactly so but thankfully this is how much i cared thankfully i don't go to many funerals i don't know i would like to continue that trend um you know but uh i would rather live 99 of my time comfortable than 100 of my time uncomfortable to just be dressed up at fancy events. What a thing to be able to brag about is that I don't go to many funerals. All my friends and family, we stay living. Yeah.

I've never been to a funeral. I don't go. Yeah. The shoes. Oh, yeah. Fancy shoes. What are you doing when you go to a basketball game? What is this

rule with dress shoes? They need to be mostly uncomfortable. I don't know. There's no reason that the inside of a nice tennis shoe can't be the inside of a nice dress shoe. There's none. Now, maybe like the super high-end fancy ones that I've never experienced. Are super cozy?

Yeah, I don't know. Because, I mean, oh, you've experienced them oh I've had because I roll I go down to the coals and I put them on with the corn cob that one day I mean I don't know I don't know how outrageous but like I've had a $300 pair of like fancy shoes okay that seems like that is a price that should be comfortable that should be a comfortable fancy I can assure you it is not comfortable I can assure you but on the bright side when you're wearing fancy shoes that are uncomfortable, they also require you to wear the thinnest socks imaginable so you can feel every ounce of that uncomfortable shoe. You're not allowed to have cushy socks.

Yeah. They're like, no, this really hard piece of leather needs to dig into your ankle. That is so true. Why do we do this? Dressed socks are like the same material as pantyhose. They're the other part of the pantyhose that just cut it off. It was a tube, and then they just cut the top off. If you actually look at women's capris, that's how they make them.

men's capris those are the that's how they make them they're just the the bottoms were cut off and made into men's dress socks on the on those leg capri leggings yeah it's called comfy dress clothes.com let's start it up we got to fix these shoes all right um we the difference between me and you me and you okay uh al how are you doing today doing great You have given me some choices here. Yeah, there's a list. Yeah, of what's the difference options. And, you know, we tend to put a, the debate ends with us. Right. This is finality. These things get brought up and then we close the book and then they print the book or whatever.

I don't know how that works. But let's begin here. What is the difference between an abscess, a cyst, and a boil? Mmm. Okay. Well, let's get real juicy. Okay. Man, so I feel like a cyst and a boil.

I know the difference there. You do? Yeah, that one is easy. I feel, to me, like a boil looks like at any moment it could explode. Yeah. It could be almost popping, right? one is easy i feel to me like a boil looks like at any moment it could explode yeah if you feel there's a popping right a thin membrane and maybe you could see like is it jostling yeah you could it's just like a like a jello you know like if you poke it it'll you'll see the liquid shifting around where assist is it's a little bit thicker a boil is something that once was assist and now you can't look at uh a boil is disgusting a boil is something that now was a cyst and now you can't look at.

A boil is disgusting. A boil is something that... Now, when I say you can't... Are they always in groups? Boils? No, boils don't always have to be. You can have a single boil. You can have a single boil, absolutely, 100%. It's come to the surface.

It's always going to have some red to it. And you either can't look at it or if it's really special you can't look away from it you know what i'm saying i feel like a boil always has to be connected to a disease well a cyst can happen outside of a disease a boil i feel like needs to be in the symptom list of a disease well that's a common misnomer and Andy, because, and I completely understand where you're getting this because when you look at someone with a boil, you assume

they're diseased. Leprosy. Right. Some kind of deathly illness is upon them. A boilitis. A boilitis. My boils are really inflamed.

It's because of how bad it looks. They're not my normal boils. Right. Usually I get a cyst. This is a boil because it's disgusting. Can they go back and forth? So I believe the only way... Or is this a one-time transformation?

If you disinflate or uninflate a boil, does it become... I believe... That's quite a show today. Scientifically speaking. Highway to spell. Andy, your word is disinflate. Highway to spell. Your word is disinflate. What is the origin of that word?

It's not actually a word. Spell it how you want. I feel like if you drain a boil, it just grows into a boil again later. But if you drain an abscess, it's gone. Oh. So I don't know what an abscess is. That's part of the question.

Chase, the people are here for these things. No, but that's why there's three of us, man. We come together with our knowledge. I know that boils. There's fluid in all of these. I don't know. Is there fluid in a cyst? An abscess.

Oh, yeah. A cyst is fluid. It's a middle name. Oh, I didn't realize that. I know you talk about getting rid of a boil. The boil has come so far to the surface, its only way out is out. It's going to explode. To me, a boil is like a blister.

It's a skin bomb. Yeah, think of a teenage zit that has gone to be the size of a quarter. It has to. It's a scale thing, right? Because a pimple is like a baby boy it's like a baby boil yeah absolutely i thought that was a cyst because it's more covered up a boil it to me it's like how surface level is it no but you know like a white head on a on a zit where it's like yeah that's reached the exterior that's a baby boil it's a baby boil oh i think

that's a cyst a cyst can be underneath the skin quite a bit again again you just go back to the look at it test if it's a crazy whitehead you got to either avoid looking at it or you can't okay you can't avoid and so now you know it's in the boil family are you looking at a cyst no you don't look at a cyst you go oh, oh, I wonder what that is. I don't care. You drain a cyst. Right? L? All are poppable? No, an abscess is not poppable. Yeah.

That's carveable. Yeah, you have to carve an abscess out. But it's got liquid in it. There's some liquid, yeah. Okay. So they all have liquid. I'm with Jason. I don't know what an abscess is. They're all trying to get to the surface.

Well, yeah, because the liquid doesn't want to be in your body. Maybe it's just three levels. Abscess is the deepest level. Cyst is the middle level. And boil is the top level. Perfect. Disgusting top level. That's right.

Am I allowed to move on at this point? Yeah, we answered it. Okay. Disinflate the next question. All right. What's the difference between... This one might be easy. But what's the difference between being kidnapped, abducted, and taken hostage and taken hostage okay okay do you have to be a kid to be kidnapped no

although that's a weird or a goat i feel like adults borrowed that like kids had that as their term right they had that on lockdown yeah and then and then adults are like it away from i i was also kidnapped no you weren't you were adult napped kidnapped is when you are taken from your your comfortable places okay you're okay your home okay yeah yeah your grocery store you when you're abducted you're usually like out of the out of your city. Or there's aliens involved. For sure. That's the extreme of the geography. Geography comes into being abducted. Can aliens don't kidnap people?

Yeah, that's the question. No. They can't? No, they're too far away. Yeah. They only abduct. Abduction is about geography. So abduction has to have distance involved.

It has to have a great deal of distance. Just vertical distance or horizontal distance? Either one. Either one as the crow flies. I feel like you just threw that at me. Don't you have to be abducted from your home? No, no. If I were traveling to Mexico, I can be abducted in Mexico.

Absolutely. But you could be taken hostage there. Hostage is just a matter of are they asking for something to return for you that's that's everyone or shielding are they cowards and hiding behind you using you as a shield yeah yeah meat shields are hostages now can an alien take someone hostage no i don't think so i don't know because we don't use the same currency right that is the big that is the biggest your largest supply of florges blails uh i don't know what we're we're all out man this guy's not hostage he's been abducted yeah okay oh well done mike uh but are we trying to return kidnap just the kids i would like to i would i mean i would that mean your man napped like what what is it if you're if you're going with no i'd

adult yeah adult napped yeah yeah yeah maybe we gotta keep kidnap then and then if you're like really old you're elder napped right but nobody's napping the elders no they're already napping yeah all right do we have time for another one of these let's do one more um all right what is the difference between let's go with a stomach a belly and a gut oh yeah brother stomach a belly and a gut okay well a stomach is the smallest of the three for it's internal yeah it's the same it's the organ yeah it's just it's the regular thing i don't think people normally say like man he's got a huge stomach no that's an internal i'm just thinking right the other ones you're like oh he's got a huge belly or you got a huge gut those can describe

the physical appearance if you have a huge stomach relative to other stomachs, no one's noticing. Yeah. In most stomachs, even a larger fellow, their stomach is not going to be like that much big. What's funny is stomach, I think, is tied into the word tummy. And if you said someone has a huge tummy, I would know what you're talking about with their size. Well, and stomach, it is for all people

yes gut is really for guys girls you know what i mean like uh a gut like a beer gut well yeah i mean a beer belly can can go everywhere but a beer gut the girl's not gonna have a beer gut you know what i mean like it only goes out the front only out the front gut is really dangerous it's dangerous oh yeah oh very very dangerous you tell well because because tell me that's that's just science uh if you've got a big gut you're now the gut can spill right there's spillage like that's how you get the tire you can like the spare tire this you're sorry he's talking about this because we were saying this. I'm just saying if the gut's out the front, eventually there is some overage.

Yes. Like over the rim. You know what I mean? It spills out. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying now. Yeah. Guts can have a lot of spillage.

You're talking about the belt line. I'm talking about, yeah. It spills over the belt line. Yeah. Yeah. What was the other? Oh, belly? But belly and gut. I mean, does belly include the belt line. Yeah. Yeah. What was the other? Oh, belly? But belly and gut.

I mean, does belly include the belt line? Belly goes higher. Belly goes up to, like, just under the pectoralis. Beer belly, beer gut. What's the difference? Same? Say beer belly and what? Beer gut.

One's a dude. The beer gut's on a dude. Really? Yeah, and the beer belly can be you will not appropriate a gut to a woman i think it's disrespectful i think you would go beer belly yeah because everyone can get a beer belly a gut implies visceral fat and visceral fat that's what i'm saying that's the danger zone you know and i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to put women in danger here is at what point does it become a gut?

How far forward or how far over can you see your shoes? Standing straight up. Okay. Looking straight down. Can you see your shoes? Okay. Just out of curiosity. As a gut.

Yeah. Andy's got a really important question here. Can you see your shoes uh i can but that's because i wear size 13 shoes so part of whether you have a gut is how big are your feet and a lot of people don't realize that oh so you have a little more room i've got more room to go shoelace can you see yeah oh well let's not talk about shoe laces. I can see the toes. You know, that's... Is there a chance at some point you will make a decision to buy larger shoes? Absolutely.

Absolutely. I've got room to grow. Did you lose weight? No, these are size 15s. He's actually only got size 9 feet. He's in 13s right now. The idea that you're wearing some clown shoes and people are convinced. This isn't a gut.

They're convinced you've lost weight. He starts wearing these size 20 clown shoes and people are like, you're looking good. Really svelte. This guy. Compared to those shoes.

It's all the ratio. Oh man, I didn't know this. Well, that's why people listen is to learn things like that. I am dying. Oh, man. All right, we're going to move on. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting the best ways to spend a rainy day.

And I'm going to throw in a little bit of rainy day context here, at least for the three of us, because I know there are lots of places in the world where it rains regularly. I live my life. I go to work. Yeah. Not here. And people that have rain don't understand. There are people that have fled rain to come to work. Yeah. And, and people, people that have rain don't understand.

There are people that have fled rain to come to Arizona because we don't get a lot of rain. And because we don't get a lot of rain, we videotape it. Like that's what happens. Like people are excited when it rains here. When I remember growing up in school and this is what this, this question brings it up a little bit to me is if you had a rainy day in school which people have all over the world

our schools function totally differently yeah it's they give them rainy day schedules your recess goes indoors it's a special day as a kid because you're watching videos and you're doing stuff so rain is a special thing out here in Arizona where I think we always appreciate it. Am I right? We always appreciate the first hour of rain, yes. But we are still people that complain about everything. So if it's raining too long, I get sick of it rather quickly. But yes, when it comes, it's like, oh, good, we got some rain.

Now go away. I'm a little disappointed that I don't have a top two pick here because I think there are some real winners, things I want to be doing on my rainy day that I'm not going to get to do because you guys are going to take them. Mike, you have the first pick. It is a rainy day, so for the most part, I'm trying to avoid going outside because I don't want to get too damp. And while I'm inside and I got some time to kill, fellas, finally I have time.

I'm going to fire up the video games. It was the number one pick. Yes. Yeah. Yes. That's the why I'm sad. You can't stop me because I can't go out. Yeah.

You want to go do the yard, honey? Nope. Can't do the yard. Can't possibly do that. Want to take the kids to the park? No. No. I'm going to take them to school and say pick up the sticks. Yeah. Yeah do that. Want to take the kids to the park? No. I'm going to take them to school

and say pick up the sticks. Yeah. Okay. Alright. Did we just ruin your whole list? No, but I'm viewing this within the context of this game that we're playing amongst each other where Andy's worried about these top two

picks and his number one pick was video games and I know what his number one pick was video games, and I know what my number one pick is, but it's kind of different. And so I'm going to pivot and hope that this one comes back to me. I'm going to go with my number one pick to be binge-watching something. Bin-watch? I've been watching it. You're just looking at stuff that you put into a bin?

Yeah. No, but video games and binge-watching TV shows, it's raining. You've got to stay inside. Let's find a great show and binge-watch. So I ruined my pick because I said that? Was that what you wanted? I wanted television. Yeah, you did.

You ruined it because that was not going to be my pick. Thank you for opening your dum-dum mouth. I am unhappy with you. I do get two picks. You do. And so one of them, thankfully, I can say movies. And if it's too close to TV for you, then I'm going to the movies. It's watching movies on a rainy day.

I can go to the movies. I can enjoy a movie. Sure. I'll allow it. Yeah, you're going to the movies. I'm going to the movies. I'm going to the movies. It's watching movies on a rainy day. I can go to the movies. I can enjoy a movie. Sure. I'll allow it. Yeah, you're going to the movies. I'm going to the movies. I'm going to the movies. Yeah, you're safe inside.

Which I just did. It had been too long since I've gone to the movies, because that's like my favorite. My movies are great. My absolute lifelong favorite pastime has been going to the movies, and then COVID hit. What'd you go see? So, Shazam. How was that? The new one.

I really enjoyed it. I had a fun time. How was that? The new one. I really enjoyed it. I had a fun time. I like that it's goofy and stupid. We'll take this off air. Yeah. But no, it was just so nice to go to the movie theater again. I'm going to do that more. Did you get the sweet-

Set a goal and then accomplish it. Was it an AMC? It was. Hashtag not a sponsor. So did you get that really cool Nicole Kidman intro video? That's so ridiculous. I did. And let me tell you something.

She is sitting. We go to the movies. She is sitting in chairs that are not in the theater I was in because those chairs looked supes comfy. Is that that super melodramatic? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. My second pick will be, it's an obvious one for me, in part because it's the right pick and in part because I hope it hurts Jason. Oh, no. And it is napping. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, yeah. A rainy day that's.

It's not on my list. It's already. A good rain nap. It's cloudy. Oh, yeah. It's overcast. Maybe you got some drops outside and then you just go off and do a nap. I don't even have to wear a sleep mask in the day.

No. It's dark enough. It's nice and dark. I just sleep right there. Wait. Do you wear a sleep mask while you nap? Only if it's... Yeah, if it's bright in the day.

My bedroom has a lot of light in it. Is it made of satin? No. No. Okay. Cloth. Okay. Try satin? No, no. Okay. Cloth. Okay. Try satin.

All right, Jason, you are back. I assume the pick that you were going with is there. It is still there, and this is something where I said it was different because most of these are I want to get away from the rain. I want to not get damp, as Mike would say. But I actually love. It's probably my favorite rainy day activity. Like, I binge watch shows all the time.

I don't need rain for that. I nap all the time. I don't need rain for that. But this one I can only do in the rain, which is sitting on the porch with a drink and a rocking chair in the rain. That is very frustrating. Oh, yes, I stole both things. Yes. You did.

Funny enough, we're in Arizona. It doesn't rain very much. It did just rain last week, and I went under the patio. I had my coffee, and I was going to tweet that about you know just how like a coffee under the patio in the rain is elite and then i remember about the draft i remember we were going to be doing this so i literally you did i did not tweet because of this show and i got it And you got it anyway. You have to have a drink.

And the best part is it could be anything all day. Your morning coffee, your afternoon tea. There has to be sipping. It's sipping in the rain. It's sipping in the rain. Sipping in the rain. All right. That's a good one.

That is upsetting. All right. And he's good one. That is upsetting. All right. And he's out. Well, shoot. So with my next pick here, this is something for Arizona. You don't frequently get to do it, even though, I mean, like with new homes and everything, we're obsessed with putting them in in Arizona.

And that's the fireplace. But when it's raining outside, it tends to be a little bit cooler and just the overall snuggliness that the rain brings in. Yeah. It permits it, huh? The fireplace is perfect. Just sit and I'm just going to say, you know, just turn the fireplace on, hang out by the fireplace.

I think it's going to resonate with the listeners. I like that. There's a lot of fireplaces out there. I like that visual. I am curious. When is the last time you have turned on your fireplace? it the listeners i i like there's a lot of fireplaces out there i like that visual i am curious when is the last time you have turned on your fireplace uh i don't know that's what i thought that's what i thought but i only have right now i don't have oh no i have my electric fire my fake fireplace so that thing goes on a lot but i don't turn the heat on yeah no no it's we're in arizona i mean yeah yeah all right i've had a fireplace in i think my last four houses

over 15 years and i don't know if i've ever lit up like i i remember lighting fires at my home i grew up in as a child i don't think I've turned one of them on ever. All right. And then I will follow it up with just a really good rainy day lunch. You got to get the grilled cheese and the tomato soup. You're looking for a... Yeah, I mean, look, I'm going to eat lunch. But Jason was right on the...

That's a rainy day meal. He's right on where it's like there's these things. I do them all the time. I play video games when it's not raining. But something about the rain makes it feel more special, makes the watching the TV, makes the fireplace. These are things you do. And you have a grilled cheese and a tomato soup. But when it's snuggly out and you get the grilled cheese crisp and the warm soup it is just it's extra special yeah yeah

no i i i get that and i'm going to go with something that a lot of times when you are it's a rainy day you're looking for activities to do that are indoors now that could be in your home or that can be out and about and sometimes you just want to get out but you've got to stay inside but it's raining and it's special to me that means i want water involved i am going to the aquarium i want going to the aquarium going to the indoor aquarium like the big aquatic we've got you know interesting i i want to feel like i'm a part of the rain you could just go stand but stay dry no see i don't i don't want to i don't want to get too damp here mike this one left field can't even be seen from where this one is yeah no this is a real good you could have not narrowed it to an aquarium you could have said like gone to museums and like all these

different we know he doesn't go to the museum on my list i might pick it next to be you need water to be a place that you i want are you watching television shows that have more water in them i can honestly say like are you watching water world oh great movie um that'll be part of my movie marathon. Absolutely. You'll point break in there? I can honestly say that when it is raining and I'm looking to go do an activity, it's not even a joke. There's one other thing on my list. You go to the aquarium? There's one other thing on my list. It's one of the weirdest things you've ever said.

That, like, I want a somewhat wet environment because it's raining. I mean, we're all here, right? In this place. It's weird to everybody, right? Oh, yeah. Okay. I love you, Jay, but that's weird to you. I know my next pick now. Oh, I know I won't have it.

Taking a shower. All right. I'm going to close out the draft because I got two picks, my draft. And I thought I had it locked and loaded. Now I'm worried about Jason. Now you want some water. I hear you. I'm going to go with, there's several good picks.

I'm going to go with board games. Oh, yeah. I'm going to go with board games. All right, all right. I was between that and aquarium. I didn't have aquarium on the list. Board games are like, you know, it's the same thing. You're listening to the rain.

What? Board games are water themed, though. No, not enough, which is why I didn't go with that, Mike. Am I back on the clock? You're not. No. Okay. And then for my last one, this is very difficult because I have two that I really want to pick,

but I'm going to go with bubble bath. Yeah, it's very high on my list. Because that is like, it is a little bit of the like, it's cold outside. It's warm inside. And you can just, it's like a nap for your body in the water. I love the pick, Andy. I mean, you've got water involved in your rainy day activity. One of the fundamentals.

One of the fundamentals about a rainy day in Arizona is that you want to be with water. You're next, so I know washing dishes is coming up, but go ahead. No, I'm going to an indoor water park, baby. It's raining outside, and I want to be wet, but I want to be inside. I'm going to an indoor water park. I mean, it's so obvious. How is this not the first bit? This is just Jason not wanting to go get in rain itself,

but wanting water all over him or around him. What is this, clean rain water? Have you considered going out into the rain? Gross. My shirt will stick to myself. Give me a water park with some fun slides. Do you water park with a shirt on? No. Okay.

You should really consider sometime, and this is day rain. We're not talking thunderstorms. Stay inside on the thunderstorm. But day rain, Jason. Put on them trunks. Yeah. Go on a little walk, ski around the block. It is not.

Go kiss the rain. So here's what's so funny. Kiss the rain. My wife and I were talking about this with all sorts of social norms the other day. And things that don't make sense, they are stupid and they're just social constructs, they still absolutely exist. If I go walk down my street and I don't have a shirt on, I'm a weirdo. I am straight up a weirdo.

The vast majority. Unless you have very loud swimming trunks that may excuse you going to a neighbor's house to swim. Even still, I'm going to feel super uncomfortable walking down my street in swim trunks and flip-flops and no shirt. I can change that whole situation, though. In just a second. But if I go to a water park, I take that shirt off. I feel comfortable. I feel fine.

And everybody else there is doing it. Yes. I mean, yeah, but that makes sense. I agree. I'm not saying it. I'm saying I completely agree that these are social constructs that there's no different. I'm around people without a shirt in one place. I'm around people.

Yeah, it's all about the context. But it is truly different. And so I want. If I'm naked in my shower. Right. But if I go outside, it's like a problem. Okay. So how can you fix us uh put on headphones people immediately assume that you are working out oh no not with a guy like mine they're gonna be like that dude doesn't work out no they'll be like look dude good for

that oh they're gonna think i'm starting my journey it would help if you shuffled your feet while they drove by he's still in the before picture face yeah this man with size 20 clown shoes just going down the street make sure your hands are all just on your hips yeah like you're just taking a quick breather oh man i you know it is sad that when you when you when you see that you see the before pick workout yeah it's like good for you. It's like good. You should be doing that. Yeah.

I'm that guy. All right, Mike. What water activity would you like? It's reading. Yes. It's reading. There's nothing better. Now, they're reading not something.

Preferably by a window. Yes. Oh, they're reading not something... Preferably by a window during the rain. Oh, yes, yes. I must hear the pitter-patter gently against the glass pane window. It was the best of days. And I should definitely read more. But something about, again, the snuggling. You would if it rained more. The snuggling.

If I lived in Seattle, I would be just, I would be so well-read. I would know everything. Be like, hey, there's a new number one New York Times bestseller. I'm like, yeah. You got the blanket pulled up a little bit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just enough.

Just enough to cover my toesies. Books was on the list, Mike. A couple ones that were not mentioned as we close this out. I did have a last- thought of uh when i was a kid and it was rainy day we built forts in the house oh for sure the house forts with the kids sitting by the window singing in the rain haven't done that really i was gonna say when's the last i got a mall day or going to the science museum and i do mean the science museum because regular museums are boring.

It's funny because, I mean, yours are very much, you leave the house to go somewhere else in the rain. Yeah. It's one of those, like, I need to get away, but I want to be inside, but I want to be wet. Only one of yours, the TV one, is inside your own house. Everything else is outside of your house. No, I've rented a hotel room.

In the rain. Yeah, in the rain to watch TV. And I have cocktails. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah, in the rain to watch TV. And I have cocktails. Yeah. Okay. Sure. That'll work for any day. Is it raining?

Come here, honey. Hold on. Did you hear? I heard it. I heard the thunder. Get the shaker. The rain's on the way. He's got the hose spraying over the house.

Another cozy day with a cocktail. All right. Let's answer this question. What did we learn today? I learned that shoes can make me skinnier. The bigger the shoe, the smaller the belly. I learned that aliens can't take you hostage because we don't convert their currency properly. Yes, and I learned I've been using the word deflate all just wrong my entire life.

Disinflate. You've got to disinflate that. That'll do it for today's Spitballers podcast. Please tell your friends about the show. Thank you for supporting it, leaving us those wonderful reviews. And we'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye. Bye.

Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com