Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Blonde Roast Colonic & A Farm Fight To The Death - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

Spit Hit for June 6th, 2024: Today we talk about driving without a windshield, friends that brag too much, and getting a root canal. Then, the fellas share some real life wacky news stories before drafting farm tools for a fight to the death. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash ballers. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, Tap-ta-tap-tap-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta- tap tap tap and then in your head you're going oh crap that's not enough that's not enough and then you end it with a big KAKOW POW! I knew I you had to build you got to go somewhere you got to tell a story and you can't tell the story at max volume you gotta start somewhere. Welcome in. Dynamics! No look you're the musician Jason's here. I am. That was it. We have, is this real life?

Would you rather? We are drafting today. And look, I'm excited. I'm excited because I know today is gonna be one of our top 219 episodes we've ever done. Well, that's great. This is only 218, but we're giving room for in case in case. You're gonna have margin for error. Yeah exactly. So you can follow the show at Spitballers Pod if you are so inclined over on Twitter. Follow Jason

at Jason FFL. Mike is at FFHitman. Yes. You can follow me at Andy Holloway and spitballerspod.com is the website. Let's get it going. Would you rather? Would you rather? All right, we are into, would you rather with this question from Britain from Patreon. Breton, Breton. Yes, yes, Breton. Breton. Breton. Yes. It's like a

baton. Yeah, you got to. Yeah. But it's from a different country. Right. Would you rather have no windshield or have your car's horn wired to your brake pedal? That's a funny one. Okay, come on. I mean, if the car horn is wired to the brake pedal, if most of you out there are like me, look, we drive automatics. We do not drive the stick shift cars, the manuals. So when you're at the red light, your foot is on the brake pedal the entire time.

And I mean, maybe you could put your car into park, but you are just sitting there, you are holding the horn on for minutes at a time, possibly. But you have to have a windshield, right? No, you just put on some goggles. I think you need a windshield. What?

You should tell that to the bikers. Well then, do you wear a biker helmet in your car? Just, I mean, that would make the most, some motorcycle helmet you get in your car. You can't just wear goggles, because if you get hit in the face or something, like in the mouth. But motorcycle drivers do. They don't, they use helmets.

Not always. Not in Arizona. Yeah, it's so funny. In Arizona, you do not need a helmet to drive a motorcycle. Legally speaking. Legally, yeah, right. You definitely need a helmet to drive a motorcycle. And legally speaking. Yeah, right. You definitely need a helmet on a motorcycle, but not legally.

Right. And so we see people, it's funny because my first thought with this question. But legally, you need some type of glasses. Oh, do you? Yes. OK. Well, because your eyes could get.

Otherwise, you get a real bad dry eye. Oh, right. Right. They look look the number one problem across the nation when it comes to motorcycles and riding them just nasty dry eye. Yeah you don't want to have red itchy eyes that feel uncomfortable. I mean we've all had a rock hit our windshield. Yeah. Now go back to go back in time to when that happened. Take away the windshield from the equation.

And put your face. Yeah, it's not even eyes. You got the goggles on. You're legal. You're street legal here. Forehead. It just, I mean, this thing cracks my windshield and puts a hole in it. What's it doing to my forehead?

Which is your face's windshield, your forehead. Yeah, as mom always said. Wind windshield to the soul. Yeah, thank you I mean that I imagine it's very painful. I yeah, I also imagine maybe Al Borland's been hit in the face with a rock before How did that feel well? I have not been in the face with a rock really I'm surprised surprises that shot like with a windshield the size of looking at you. I thought many times I've actually been hit in the face with a rock before like a With a windshield the size of... Looking at you I thought many times. I've actually been hit in the face with a rock before. Like someone threw it?

Someone threw a, some random kid threw a rock when I was in grade school and I was hit. He doesn't know it was me. I was hit in the face and my face exploded. Your face, define your face exploded. Like they stitched it back up? Like there was blood everywhere. Oh. Yeah, like it just missed my eye.

It hit me right in the nostril. Yeah, but I mean, the face is a very bleedy area. And it's not, I'm sure you didn't get hit with a pebble. Like the thing is that- No, you're right. I got hit with a big old rock. Yeah, the things that hit our car windshields aren't big old, you know, fuses.

But why do we even have windshields then? It's for dry eye. Yeah, I think this is about the eyes. A long time ago, big eye drop was taking over the country and we put our foot down. With the windshield. No, they were with no windshields because everyone's eyes were drying out.

So we said, well, we gotta solve that. No more selling your moisturizing drops. Well, I'm just thinking to myself, like you're telling me little pebbles hit my windshield. Yeah. And then we all know, like, if a tire comes off a car and hits your windshield, your windshield's not helping you. My windshield got hit. It's going straight through it.

On the way home on Sunday, driving home with the boy, a nice piece of tread was kicked up by a friendly driver in front of me. So I'm driving on the freeway. Yeah. There's a piece of, you know, like as there is for time and time, some shrapnel of, of tire tread. It's like this big, you know, for those listening at home, it may be, uh, like a four inch area, easily avoidable because it is so small. You could just buy the car in front of you. Yeah. You could have just positioned it easily between your tires, not hit. No, they decide they need to hit it it launch this thing in the air and that smacked my windshield and I about broke my neck

Due to my startling. Oh Capabilities, were you trying to dodge like yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm through I went the eyes fully closed I ducked like I was trying to be a tortoise going into my shell now What if you didn't have a winch on death? Just dead. So wouldn't it be better to honk your horn? Never. No, you're just too annoying. Socially dead or physically dead is the two questions here. Like how many, how many red lights are you going to holding your horn down before someone tire? I heard you in the face, which would be bad. Yeah, I will say that I'll take my chances with the pebble I've never had a piece of shrapnel

Hit my car windshield. It's terrifying. I it sounds bad, but it's never happened to me I have been at a red light before so I will take the windshield I have experience. Yeah, I'm with you. Calvin from the web from the website Would you rather have a friend who is a bit too proud about how in shape they are or how much money they have? So too proud about the vanity of Physical appearance. I got a follow-up question. Okay, are they in shape? Yeah. Yeah, I think They have money and they brag about it Okay in shape and they brag about it and a bit too proud. That's writer

That's the right amount of proud to be annoying Yeah, because the big-time proud they're in their own world like the people that are that over the top about this stuff It becomes almost a joke right like it's not You know the subtle pride almost a joke right like it's not you know the subtle pride mm-hmm but the subtle obvious pride is the worst kind of implication yeah because you the humble brag because you still hang out you'll take care of that bill you still can you still have a relationship there you haven't just written them off because they're but then it's just because they have money yeah they buy

you stuff so then you're saying maybe there's an advantage to being around the wealthy person who brags about their wealth because their wealth can go to you. Their wealth will be shared with me. But their muscles cannot be bequeathed. No. Yeah, I can't do anything with their muscles other than feel inadequate.

Not inspired? And just stand next to them squeezing my own tummy, going aw. Now that being said, I would say that more often, that when these two braggarts exist, more often the person who is really in good shape is their doing, right? They didn't luck into money, they weren't born with money.

Sure. A lot of times. It's earned pride. Exactly. They have a right to feel good about the fact that they work out three different times a day because they're putting in that work. Now there are certainly people out there that have earned a great salary, but there's a lot of people that don't.

I don't know how many people just luck their way into a six pack. No one. Well, some people do. So some people have better- I want to be one of those people. It's too late. Oh it's way too late. It's too late for us. I don't care. I don't care. But if they're over there just like casually peck bouncing you know or like a you would they would definitely do the with the beaches over there move where they're like oh I got to pick this thing up and then they're flexing in their their vascular veins are guess the money can benefit you more. Yeah. They're always being like you want to do a pool party? It's November 15th Fred

Hmm. It's like yeah, but just shirt off Shirt skins. I'm skins. Yeah, if someone's bragging about their money. Oh, you got to really do Is just be like prove it. You know what I mean two words now. It's mine That's not bad so give me the money braggart mark from Twitter always hit every red light for the rest of your entire life or always get slow internet after the sun goes down that's a weird one yes there's two inconveniences but internet is life so I feel like there are... He's not wrong. This is right after he said he's always at a red light too. But that's the point. That's the point. I feel like when I drive

to work, right, I already feel like I'm hitting every red light. You feel like an unlucky red light driver? Well sometimes. Certainly not. You don't pace your speed properly? It's definitely not always. You don't pace your speed properly? It's definitely not always. That's malarkey. What a lie that he's been told. Remember when they used to have signs up and they're like, these lights are.

They've been timed to 40 miles an hour. They've been timed to 40 miles an hour. Nonsense. Bull crap, they have not. You guys don't buy into that? No, I tested that, it never worked. Did you now? No, and what you needed to do. You went the speed limit? If it was, I tried it. Hogwash. I tried it buy into that. No, I tested that it never worked Did you know no and what you needed you went the speed limit? It was for I tried watch

I tried it I did I have tested it. I have tested when the signs were up Oh, it's just a bold-faced lie. Do you want to know how you hit more green lights? Faster just keep going faster. Yeah, don't listen to any odds of hitting the green light are better But my point is like no there's certain times I take the kids to school and I'm I'm like blown away. I hit every green light and I mentioned it. So I'm certainly not a red light bad luck person but I have had plenty of experiences where I'm hitting every red light. Yeah. You want to know what happens. I still get to my destination. I'm still OK. It's not the end of the world to hit every red light. But

I do a lot, like I'm a night owl. When the sun goes down, you know, I might be doing work, you know, late into the night on the computer. Are there day owls? Over there. Oh. Yes, there's owls. But the phrase, you're like, oh, I'm a night owl. That's a good point. But it's just a redundant thing because owls are up at night, and so you call them night

owls. We don't say like, oh, I'm a night bat. You know what I mean? That's right because all bats are just out at night Yeah, there is a nocturnal animal that being said that being said there was an owl Full like barn owl looking big owl. Yeah in our neighborhood. It's been around which Andy Yeah, I've seen else. We're in the same neighborhood, basically. Yeah. But it's been on one of the homes in our neighborhood over and over.

Because it's sleeping. Oh, in the day. Yeah, it sleeps during the day. On the house? Where do you want them to sleep? What do you think they go to the hotel? A tree? A tree?

Yeah, I mean, you just sleeping right out in the open? Excuse me, do you have any rooms available? I'm an just sleepin' right out in the open? Excuse me, do you have any rooms available? I'm an owl. I need to sleep. That's right out in the open. They sleep all over the place. Yes, really. It's a wild animal.

And that's not to say part of the morning they're not up. It doesn't lay down to sleep. That's obvious now that I say that. But like, it just seemed like right on the... Did it go one foot up, too? No, but like... Because they do that. Our neighbors have sent us pictures because they wanted everyone to be aware. just seem like right on the right on the go one foot up to as they do that. Our neighbors have sent us pictures because they wanted to everyone to be aware of that small dogs or something. There's like an owl that could eat your dogs. Do I'll see they pick them up. They mean if your

dog is small enough, which come on, if your if your dog is owl sized, like if it could be prey for an owl, get a bigger dog. I love our small dog. Could your dog, do you feel like an owl could take a big dog? Oh yeah. Oh for sure. An owl could pick up and enjoy. What?

Get a bigger dog. But yeah, I guess I've- Watch out for coyotes too then. Well yes, that's fair. I've seen this owl perched up, so you're telling me, are all owls asleep in the day? Like they're just- I believe that owls are a nocturnal species of birds. Yeah, they're just birds.

They're just birds. They're just birds. They're just birds. They're just birds. I'm yes, that's that's fair owl perched up. So you're telling me are all owls asleep in the day like there I believe that owls are a nocturnal species You know the twilight hours are you know, which it's actually I mean I don't know if you have noticed this as a human very difficult to sleep when the Sun is being down upon your face I was just sitting as pictures of dead owls and pretending they're sleeping for Jason. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I can't take it. They're so sleepy. Look at the cute little guys. I really tuckered out. Oh man. The wings spread wide open, eyes closed. Yeah taking a good nap. But yeah I mean he might be moving a little bit that's

cuz you you wake up sometimes when you're sleeping. Okay. Well, I guess these are animals, too So they do stuff different than us Every red light forever is really intense You never catch a break no, you never hit a red light on a freeway Just take more freeways But good luck getting there. If you know, if you know you're going to be hitting every single red light, I think that your outlook on life would be adjusted. Now what if I just, you'd understand that's how you drive. What

if I tell you that no matter what, you always hit the yellow light. Oh, so you have to make the decision every time? But no, but your decision... There is no decision. It's you're just far enough away that you... I have to stop. Oh, I see what you're saying. The worst case scenario. Oh, so the most... Yeah, it's not just red when you pull up, so maybe three seconds later.

No, it's the light goes... That is so much worse. So you always think you're about to go through, but then you can't. You know what's funny about that is like, you come up to red lights all the time, very common. Yeah. But when I come up to any yellow light that I can't make, I'm upset every single time.

I don't think that- Would that change your answer? It absolutely would change my answer. Because I don't think about, like, if a light is red and I'm just pulling up, I don't even think about it. It's just, this is just life just life. It's just driving nothing The best part of this is you could just set the rule as you have to stop if you see yellow no matter what oh Man, so you see it turn to yellow you've slammed the brakes. That's dangerous or more dangerous

You ever done that you ever miscalled it when you were... I have miscalled a light. Where you're like, I should have gone through, but you wanted to be... Not the one where you go late and you run a red. I've done both. The one where you do the early and you feel like a doofus. Yeah. And then...

A doofus. Yeah. You stop too early and then the car that was behind you goes around you and goes through the light. You've done that? What is the story here with yellow lights? And why are they not all exactly the same? The timing?

Because we've all hit yellow lights where it's like yellow, red. Because they can't keep you guessing. Is that what it is? If you know exactly that every yellow light is going to be the exact same, you know how to play them. I feel like it has to have something to do with the size of the intersection. Yeah, ours is posting.

The amount of traffic. Federal guidelines recommend yellow lights three to six seconds, but then due to other things it would be changed. But I don't know, it feels like... Look, I'm not interested in the truth. That's my speculation. I was just posting because I find that funny. Three to six seconds is literally two X.

Yeah, that's a very wide margin. A six second yellow light. You could, you could casually stroll through it. You put the six seconds on the really chill intersections so that people can just roll right through. But you get, and you put the three seconds on the tight ones. So you need to get traffic moving faster. I feel like the opposite. I feel like when there's a lot of traffic and you need the time to get people through, when it's chill, it's just like, hey, there's probably not even traffic here.

Yellow, red, go. Or they're all exactly the same, so people know how to gauge a yellow light properly. Ridiculous. And we're not running red lights. Would you like to answer another question? Yeah. Would you rather have a root canal or a colonoscopy?

John from Patreon. Very simple question. Can I change my previous answer? Yeah. I would not like to answer another question. Oh, that one. We've got two producers in the building. I have never had a root canal.

I have never had a root canal. But that's only one of two. You've done the colonoscopy? I have. canal. I've never had a root canal. But that's only one of two. You've done the colonoscopy? I have. Okay. I haven't done. I didn't perform one. I was the poor. I was performed on. I was the, uh, is that a call sir? My name's Andy. I will be your filling doctor today. I mean, is that a colonoscopar? If you're the one that did it colonoscopy air Have you had either I have not had either to my know see I feel like a lot of people get root canals I feel like we're in the minority that we've never had one How have you had a root canal I've had two and then I hear they're bad

I thought have you how many colonoscopies if you had I've had none. Oh, so you're a two-nothing root canal Yeah, both involved in al's were both, I was like 12 years old. Now I've- On your root canal? So what's funny is I thought when Andy- That's when you get older, yeah. I thought most people have root canals at an older age. Or you take tooth damage also. Yeah. If you get hit really hard in the tooth. What is a root canal? I have literally no idea. I believe basically- Gotta get way down in the canal near the root. I thought it was they digged the root out of the tooth. What?

They grind it out, right? What? Because when you have a root canal, eventually you will have to replace that tooth because it's gonna die. Yeah, because... That's my understanding. I thought root canals are like cavities

that have gone so deep that you have to... Root canal treatment is a treatment sequence for the infected pulp of a tooth, which is intended to result in the elimination of infection. So is that the inside of a tooth? Yes. That's just called pulp? I guess.

Yeah, you got the hard white stuff and then the pulp on the inside. Ugh, gross. I'm like a no pulp man. Now I'm a no pulp. Yeah, and I don't want pulp in my teeth. Or my orange juice. You need the pulp in your teeth. Not according, wait, so do they put more pulp in when they take it out?

No, no, they take it out and then eventually your tooth turns black and dies. No, no, no. That's not a root canal. Root canals, they take it out in my tooth dies? I don't want that. Am I wrong? That's toothanasia. Yeah, no, they usually seal it back up and crown it or something and then it's fine,

I think. Well, yeah, but they crowned it. I could swear that a root canal has to be replaced eventually. I've believed that wrong my whole life, maybe. Well, you've never had one, and you've never had a colonoscopy. Here, use the thing. I have not, but I have had a colonic. Okay.

What's the difference? Which, Braggart? No, no, no. I'm just letting you know, the colonic is where they they they go in and they kind of wash everything out Oh, yeah, they fill you up with water. It is So if you're not familiar with the colonic they say it's a healthy thing to do a Kalanick people. Yeah, was this just big Kalanick Now was this just for fun? Yes. It was for a night out. I saw the sign. Day and night. I was like, you know, I've been thinking about

doing this. I need to wash out. I mean, but like, it's not, is this? It's not medical. Yeah, it's not medical like the doctor said. Right. It was a prescribed by the doctor. They're not doctors that do it either, right? But it's yeah Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think they're like the it did you have a garden hose you can perform a club But so the way it the way it goes it's supposed to be good for gut health I don't know say people that sell the oils or whatever. Yes, okay, but you the least for me I go into it's Performing tell me about this before it's performed in someone's house so it's not yeah it's someone's house there you go

what feeling real a colonic of Craigslist you're feeling real comfortable to start come on is that that's real this is real this is real my mind is blown right now this is real was, as were my insides. But you, so you lay on your side, you get a very uncomfortable hose placed and then the lady's like, okay, here we go. And they wash it a few times, but they load you up with water. And what you feel is you're laying, you're like, you're really vulnerable.

You're laying kind of trouser down next to this person and then you get the most overwhelming feeling of you have to poop that you have ever felt in your entire life. But your body, you're trained you don't you're not on a toilet don't poop in public you don't poop when there's someone sitting next to you and it's they stay in the room with you oh because what do you think they put the hose in and leave yes I'm gonna watch this show I'll be back in 20 minutes oh please leave no because they they wash in and out a few times and it is this is not good. Oh it was oh it was not. How many have you had one. Look the colonoscopy on the other hand you're in a twilight sleep so you don't

remember anything. So you're in the astral plane. You're in the astral plane. Apparently in the twilight sleep you can follow instructions. So I was given instructions but they performed the procedure which is medically certified not done in a house. Mine was done in a doctor's office and they check you out and then you wake up in a bed. That's nothing. I'll do that over the tooth. I am learning so much right now. I'm at the Mayo Clinic's website learning about colonics colonics? Well, I just wanted to know more information about this great procedure I'm hearing. Does Mayo do that? I'm hearing good things. No, it does not. It just says, is colon cleansing a good way to eliminate toxins in your body is the question. But I found this paragraph fun. But colon

cleansing, also called a colonic or a colonic irrigation, for such purposes isn't necessary. That's because your digestive system of bowel already eliminates waste of material, but it says during a colon cleanse, large amounts of water, and this is my favorite part, sometimes up to 16 gallons, and possibly other substances such as herbs or coffee are already- Yeah, I've heard about the old coffee enemas. I went with the blonde roast. Nice, nice. So you go into someone's house and they're like I highly recommend the blonde roast,

the pikes place for shooting that up there. Wow. Did you, I mean, one to one testimony here. I know you've only gotten one, but did you have benefits? Well, if by benefits you mean extreme diarrhea for about two days and then no BMs for the next two days and everything was just completely thrown out of whack, then yes, I had that.

Make sure your colon cleansing practitioner is reputable. That's one of the big markers here. They were three out of five stars. We have got to move forward here. No colonics there, Al? Not for me. Not yet. Not yet.

No, but Mike made a good case for one though. Did we get confirmation? Here's the- They can save, the dentist can save your tooth by removing the infected pulp and filling it with a Replacement material. Yeah replacement pulp. I'm gonna take the root canal Over the colonoscopy. Well the cold but the colonoscopy is a good nap It's just a nap and it can it can save your life. I'll take the colonoscopy. There you go. Yeah, you're on it I mean very partial partial. Like what

the the rule of thumb is right when you get when you hit that big four oh. Is it four or five oh? I think when you're 50 maybe. Guys who turn 40 just keep pushing it down. Like no I heard it was 75. Well Jason you uh you would know. Uh yeah. That's why I'm asking. I would know and uh. Are you do? It is recommended adults age 45 to 75 So I'm in the clear fellas perfect. That was written by a 44 year old All right, we are moving on Is this real life? All right, it's time for Is This Real Life, where we each share a real life story from the real life world that has happened with one another.

Well, I'll start us off because my owl story in our neighborhood just perching around, apparently. And maybe this is super normal elsewhere in America. Like, oh, yeah, we have owls. Animals. Yeah, like I was a pretty normal where we live. Yeah. Yeah. Around. Seriously. Yeah. I like the first owl in the wild. I feel like I showed you a video. I had an owl attack another owl on my porch couple couple of years

I've in your defense the first the first time I ever saw one was it was nighttime and up on a light post There was a giant creature that it made us up in the it's on the light So you you know you have to squint you can barely see it But it looked like a cat and I at this point didn't know we had owls and I was like how in the heck did a cat get up onto a light post and it made no sense they're like can they how did this happen can they climb metal can they really climb and I'm just staring at this thing for quite a while. Eventually it swooped down and I said, that is not a cat. That is no cat with wings. When

did cats start flying? You couldn't accept that it was an owl. All right, so what's your story? Okay, so my story reads, buzzards that vomit wind threatened and leave piles of acidic droppings have invaded a small town and nobody knows why And nobody knows why so they vomit they got vomit bombs. So apparently They got both Both the wrong bombs. Yeah, these buzzards is a problem. Okay, first of all, it seems like it seems like from First of all, it seems like from this article and my extensive research now on buzzards, that buzzards in general will vomit when startled. Basically yeah. Is that because they have no other way to fight?

I don't. Because it's just buzzards? I don't know Mike. I thought you were doing research over here. I'm still learning. working on the doctorate Their poop is heavily acidic has been removing paint from cars And so these are problems serious BMS. These are serious BMS, but the the real problem is How many there are there was?

on Wednesday 28 buzzards sat on a cell tower along Main Street. There was a woman, local resident, Allie told the paper that the height of the invasion she counted 58 buzzards perched around her house. So we're talking swarms of these buzzards, and the town can't get rid of them. Oh, I've got a method. Is it going to put them to a nice little nap? Yeah, they're all going to take a nap. Tuck them out.

They might look real sleepy. These aren't endangered buzzards, are they? I don't think buzzards can be endangered. I do have an update for everyone who, perhaps you are thinking like me, a buzzard and a vulture look nothing alike. Oh really? Wait, for real? So what is a buzzard smaller? Yes, so I just googled buzzard because I'm like... It's a fun word, buzzard. Yeah it's great, but all I can see is a vulture and then people also ask is a buzzard the same as a vulture? The vultures are large

bald birds but buzzards are smaller vultures the vultures are large bald birds But buzzards are smaller vultures and they prefer to hunt attack and eat their prey while the creatures are somewhat alive Well, wow, that's pretty rude But they like this this article says that although called buzzards the birds are either black or turkey vultures So I've always thought all vultures are buzzards but not all buzzards are vultures maybe didn't you say the same thing twice no okay I just heard it right but the buzzard doesn't maybe some of them have the redhead but this is this is blowing my mind so I thought they were interchangeable so they

have is there an end to this story do they get rid of the buzzard they left the town at the end of this story they could not get rid of them They were blasting cannons and noise can is that's what it said and I'm like civil war. I sure hope so What are they can't get rid of them? We've tried all of our cannons and it never fire They just fly away before the cannonball gets to them All right, I have to follow up with my story because it is also related to animals. And I'll be honest, I chose this story mostly because of the headline. Which reads, I mean the details are great too, but

Pig steals campers beer, gets drunk and starts fight with a cow. That's good for today's draft. So the campers were out and about having some drinks, left out 18 cans of beer. One pig? One pig. Oh brother. Pigs are heavyweights from what I hear.

18 cans of beer, pig gets drunk, pig starts messing around with a cow and picking a fight with a cow because it doesn't know where it's going, running around randomly. I'll take the, I think I'll take the cow. I'll take the cow. Starts raiding the trash. Well, that's just normal pig stuff. And was nicknamed Swino.

Okay. Instead of Wino. Okay. And so that's the whole story. I mean, there's not anything else to this. I just other than this pig did. I mean the sad part, it stumbled then into the road and was hit by a vehicle and died. Oh, for real? Yeah. Later on, later Cans of beer So yeah, he slurped down the liquid gold Went to the garbage bins began rooting around for a snack

Pick picked on a nearby cow, huh? cause general pandemonium at the campsite What would you do if there's a drunk pig running around your campsite like? You can't reason with that pig. No, usually you can, but this one's drunk. So what are you gonna do? Yeah, nothing. All right.

All right, Mike. Mine's pretty short and sweet. It's just a, like number one, humanity. Let's be better to each other and number two let's be a little bit smarter about things so wait a minute is this a PSA yeah I mean just a little bit because a woman in Michigan she was charged with trying to have her ex-husband murdered. Okay. With a musbund edition.

Yeah, got me. And she had to plead guilty to multiple charges. Okay, she's trying to get him murdered. Yes, and where do you think you would go to find such a debaucherous type of a thing? Well, of course you go to rent-a-hitman.com. No, she didn't. Rentahitman.com and offered them $200. 200 bucks? I mean 200 bucks. I wouldn't... He wouldn't have killed that pig for 200 bucks. I believe that that's a very low price. But to go to rent the hit

man and so the owners of the website called the Michigan police are like ah hey she's really trying to do it. He is soliciting us give trying to give us money to have someone killed. And so now that lady is in jail. That's where she belongs. That's so that website exists as some sort of like a joke. I just did you go? I wasn't willing to go. Just typed it and I hit enter and then I went, what am I doing? I should not be going to rentahim in dot com and close it out.

So I'm I'm you're on the list. I'm marked now. Sorry, honey. Uh, wow. Yeah, that'd be better. Is that what we need to catch crime is just set up a bunch of domains? Honestly, like break into jewelrystore.net. You have to be so stupid to do something like that. We should trap, we should do all the lowest hanging fruit traps possible. Absolutely.

Because if you fall victim to that trap, you should be out of society. Tax fraud.biz. Absolutely. Because if you fall victim to that trap you should be out of society. Taxfraud.biz. Right. I yeah I just did howtogetawaywithmurder.com See that one's way better. Yeah I also got the.co. Oh very nice. Just in case. Well real life never ceases. Yeah what are people doing? To disappoint. The Spitballers Draft. Well, it has been a long time since we since we got to battle it out in a battle royale draft, but we're back.

Mike has the first pick. It is a battle royale on a farm. Yes. Yeehaw! Goes along with the pig story already, which I don't know if you can draft the pig, but you can give it a go. You can. Mike, have the first pick we are all on a farm. We are. We get to pick four items from the farm and we are gonna fight it out to the death. So with the first pick here many picks between this pick and the next one so I was

trying to think what is there like, is there really a top weapon that I can get to defend myself on a farm? Because there's a bunch of really cool stuff. But after I sorted through everything, I realized with everything that you guys are going to be bringing at me, I got to be able to get around and I got to be able to get around quickly. Quickly is the key for me. So I am going to draft a horse. Yeah. I feel like a horse was good enough for the battles

in old Europe and really everywhere. I mean, once we started fighting, we're like, hey, I'm gonna jump on this horse and I'm gonna fight while I'm on this horse. So I feel if nothing else, you will never catch me. Well, you, I mean, you have to stay on the farm. Yeah. I mean, you can go around in circles or whatever.

Yes. But you gotta stay on the farm. That's fine. I didn't even have a horse on my top 14 picks. Oh wow, a horse was definitely one of my top picks. But I'm the guy who chose my butt. That is a famous choice. Which is available for this draft. Yeah, because if you're on the farm, your butt is on the

farm. Alright. So you went with a horse. Yes. I respect it. Hmm. Okay so. You know how to ride a horse, Mike? I have ridden a horse several times. Okay. So. You can get it up to speed? Yes. Yeah you go and And then you get it up and you kick it in the butt. All right. All right Which it was apparently they've all the horse people tell me they're like just kick away because you're not you're doing You're doing nothing. Okay, it's a monster of a creature. It always seems mean. Yes, it does now with the spurs I don't know but with just your heels, they're like, okay fine. I'll go I don't know, but with just your heels, they're like, okay fine. I'll go. Yeah, that's true if you're like on the ground and Petting a horse you like you slap it for like like that's like a pat like a good boy Yeah, you know

I guess if my kid at three years old hits me as hard as he can it doesn't do anything, right? A horse is they are they're bigger than me to a kid, right? It's a horse, it's a unit. These things are serious. All right. All right, well I'm going to get a big serious, I might not be able to catch you, but eventually we are going to have to fight. We're going to have to get at it.

Okay. And I don't think your horse is gonna help much. When I have a full armored tractor, I'm gonna tractor with the plow blades, the little rotary blades. You don't get to have an armored tractor. You got a tractor, bro. Well, I'm just saying that a tractor is armored.

Okay. I'm not putting extra sheets of bulletproof armor on. All right, you've got a tractor. I got a tractor. That was gonna probably be my number one pick. So it's not the ride on tractor. You're on the, where you have a door you can close. You're the ride in tractor.

Yes. You're on the inside of it? Yeah, I'm on the inside of this tractor. Good luck getting me, get past these blades. Now are all tractors? I have a horse I can sacrifice. Al, are you, have you ridden a tractor before? I have, yeah.

Okay, are those automatic or are they manual? I've never driven one, so I would have had. Wait, you had multiple people on a tractor? He said if I ever been on a tractor, like, like, hayride type tractors. No, I kinda expected you to be the one driving when I asked that. Yeah, that's what I thought.

No, I haven't driven a tractor. And have you actually been on the tractor or were you pulled by a tractor? I've been on a tractor. Okay. I will say this, I can drive a manual, so I'm not too worried if it's a stick shift You're far more high T than me. I wasn't sure. Yeah When's the last time you did a when you drove a stick? Oh gosh, it's been a while now

But my first few cars were all were all manual. He's pretty old. It's like It's like riding a bike. I could absolutely go get in a manual and right no problem I'm sure there's you might be dead by the time you figure it out It's like riding a bike. I could absolutely go get in a manual and ride it, no problem. I'm sure there's a slight difference to a track. You might be dead by the time you figure it out. Well, that means you guys have kind of taken your- Transportation. Transportation side, which means I get two picks,

and I get my pick of the litter in terms of- You do. Offensive weapons. Yep, there's some good ones. Unfortunately, there's a lot of them So I don't know which one you guys think is the best nor do I care because I'm gonna go with what I think's the best I'm going to go first with a sickle. Oh It's very on brand for your fantasy Reaper. Yeah, I mean it's a common farm tool the sickle

It's also what death chooses to use Well, it's got an intimidation factor as well as a weapon death goes with a scythe Sickle scythe wait those are different. I believe so The signal is more more more hooked. I think I think that the gist is very they're very similar But they are not all right, so but they're not the same thing I can't even I I ended up with a cliche when I tried to Can't even find out information I believe it starts with an S C Y

Yes, H E Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, that is like it's the same thing as that would have been my 43rd guess for how to spell that word. Yeah, they're the same. They're not a sickle shorter. Yeah Oh, so you just more nimble. Oh, man, that is way so you don't have the big tall right cuz that's that would Have been a good pick. Maybe I'll grab one of those. That's a great pick The sickles like the little handheld version still has still has another pick. He could double up. Just dual wield. Thank you Mike for knowing the difference between a sickle and a scythe. They do the same job, gentlemen. Just cutting both your heads off is what they're doing.

Better get real close. So unbelievable. Fine. You know what? I'm going to take advantage of a different part of warfare. Neither of you will have access to, which is I'm going to put a backpack loaded pesticide sprayer. I am going chemical warfare. Not that it's off limits on this farm. Oh no, there's yeah, there's no Geneva convention here. No. So you're getting some serious, dangerous, long-term side effects from these pesticides. You're developing an eventual cancer growth of some sort. I would imagine that if you sprayed me in the face with pesticides, it would be short term bad for me as well as long term. That's me. Yes, that's right. You'll just turn your windshield wipers on.

My windshield wipers will turn on in my tractor and then I will mow you down. All right. All right. I am up. I'm going to... Now, we're eventually going to have to get to the weapons here. Andy, you're right. You've got the weapon. You've got the short little sickle in.

It's not that short. They're at various lengths and so I'm going to take something that honestly I know that I've talked at length about how the greatest weapon of all time is a spear yeah but I think I have really forgotten about the pitchfork because it's basically that's a good weapon a spear yeah with Yeah. With more, more pointy things. So I mean. That's what it is, huh? Yeah. It's like, I'm King Trident now of the land. You can't throw a pitchfork the way you could a spear. Oh yes you can.

Not with the same distance. I would think so. No, it's lesser aerodynamic. A spear is very, it's like an arrow. Do you know how many people shoot arrows, like shoot forks out of their bow and arrow? No, but nobody I bet that when it comes to throwing a spear and a pitchfork, you're gonna be real close. I'm not throwing either I'm gonna keep holding on. He's using it for dinner. Okay fine Yeah, I will be I will be stepping Andy while he tries to reach me with the sickle All right, all right Mike you get two picks So I'm on my horse this first pick I'm gonna take it one you get the the intimidation factor

Yes, I do realize more than likely I am ending my own life. All right, let's do this. I'm riding this horse, I got a chainsaw. Oh, chainsaw on a horse. Okay, chainsaws a- Feel bad for the horse. Yes.

It's a farm instrument? Oh, of course, farms have chainsaws. It is on my list, it is on my list. It's gotta be. It being on your list does not answer that question Well, everything that's on my list came from looking up farm research. So Yeah, well anything can technically be used on a farm fine. You got a chainsaw on your horse Yeah, you got a you got how many children's books with farmers are wielding chainsaws

100% of them. I don't know how many children's farm books you read. You went on this chainsaw thing, Al? Yeah. Yeah. I had to do a little research but yeah it says most farmers and rural landowners own chainsaws for a variety of purposes. You're darn right. They got a lot of things. Rural landowners. Okay. They gotta do some cutting. All right. You know. I'm just trying to play the game. Yeah farmingbase.com has the five best chainsaws for use in 2022. What's the number one? I don't know. That's the one I got.

So I've got a chainsaw. Husqvarna96. Yeah, be quiet. 76. Thank you for chiming in. All right. So I'm on the horse. I have the chainsaw

Just like a farmer go on There's another the song the farmer in the Dell talks about his chainsaw It is really funny to visualize this guy Like I'm a farmer Yes, you got a piece of straw in your mouth though. All outdoor people use chainsaws to cut trees down, but farmers and chainsaws are not commonly connected. How do you think I cleared that farmland? With my sickle. Oh, you would use sight. Yeah, I got to reach. So for my for my third pick here, I am going to go, now we're getting pictures of chainsaws.

I am gonna go with something that I found that I had not heard of. So you need a hand-held weapon just in case I have to go up very you know, very close. Yeah with with mr. Short sickle over here Mm-hmm. It's called apparently called a Slater hammer a Slater hammer look it up. It's it's a real neat looking hammer Slater Yeah, and this is oh, so it's like a little pitchfork hammer. Yeah pitchfork axe. Yes. It looks like a snow pick That's a snow pick climbing instrument It's called did you find it? I found it on a farm website called a Slater hammer. It looks dope It's for roofing tasks. What are you picking man?

I don't know It's I'm going off a farm equipment that I'm finding if you draft something that doesn't belong on a farm when you show up At this battle royale your weapons not there. Yeah, it's an empty space the referee would take a look at say sir you're not yeah roofing yeah please go do some roofing then why is it on the farming website because they want to make money they'll sell everything that they can't just go to a farming website no because they'll sell everything like a whole we have already battle royale in a Home Depot, right? Go to a farmers only website or whatever not a website go to farmers farmers

If you go to a farming store you can still buy all the things you bought in a Home Depot Guys are destroying this draft. Nope. I think you guys holds up. I don't think the Slater hammer does really from what I can tell. Oh I'll change my pick Sounds like you it sounds like you have to I was totally gonna let it slide. Okay, fine a hatchet Okay, okay. That's fine. I'll take a hat I feel like it would have been better for us to have the Slater hammer people wouldn't have known what that is Yeah, but I want people to learn about it because it's really cool. It was pretty cool looking I will admit that Alright, where are we at? What do I have?

Tractor and a pitchfork. Oh True farming equipment Andy. You said you guys he lumped me in with Mike here your team chainsaw. That's why I lumped you in Oh, that's fair. Okay I'm going with one that I I got this from just all I did and I was trying to put myself in the mind of the farm. I was trying to put myself on the land. And so I Googled farm and then I went and I looked at pictures of farms. And one of the things that was common there were these big windmills.

But behind all the chainsaws. Right behind the chainsaws were big windmills. And I'm taking a windmill behind all the chainsaws right right behind the chainsaws were big windmills I'm taking a windmill blade. I'm taking it off. I'm taking I'm ripping one of those blades off I'm gonna haul it windmill like a yeah School like yeah, okay. Yeah, and I'm taking a windmill blade off my Beautiful windmill at the farm, and I'm running y'all down with this thing. Are those sharp? I hope so.

I worry that they are made of paper. They're not made of paper. They're not made of paper. I wouldn't be worried about that. No, I'm hoping it's metal and it's super sharp. Well look, I'm back on the clock with my final two picks. Number one, you both have mobility. Yes. I don't and

I'm not I'm not drafting a counter ride okay yeah not an idiot if you're real slow any so I'm drunk big can pick a fight with a and I gotta get close to you right I got this little sickle which is like a pocket knife apparently and then I've got a pesticide sprayer. So what am I gonna do? The most realistic scarecrow possible. Oh! You're gonna go in for the kill, and I'm gonna ninja you from behind. Okay!

The scarecrow is gonna distract you. It'll only work once, but I like it. I'm taking the scarecrow. I think you only need it to work once. Well, there's two of us, Mike. Yeah, but. Well, I'll turn your corpse into the other scarecrow. Oh, OK.

That's actually a really good. That's just a good tip for the future. It's me. I'm Jason. I'm really alive. Sick. Sickle. And then this next pick, boy, it's going to be a good one.

So I got to really build it up. I guess I'm gonna go for a kind of fort building. I'm not gonna be mobile like you guys. I need a little fort. I'm going, a number of hay bales are coming with me. I'm building a miniature little fortress for myself with these hay bales. So made out of hay.

Yes, the most armored hay. But the thing. So should we draft some fire? No, I'm not gonna draft fire I'm gonna draft the thing that that eats hay right? Okay your horse Yeah, you're gonna eat the way through the whole fort you're darn right you my Hold on I'm eating your fortress I'll be in soon Slow a horse tongue coming through. All right, Jason, you have one final pick. You have a tractor a pitchfork and a windmill blade well This is an animal farm that I'm from that's that's that's kind of farm that I

Raise deep. What do you do with? kind of farm that I raise. What do you do with a farm? I don't know. I live on an animal farm. One of the things that we have just basically infinity of. I mean, I have an endless supply of these because it's such a big animal farm. I am taking those fresh eggs. Oh, you're egging us? Oh, I'm egging you like crazy. You're not even going rotten eggs, you're just going fresh eggs? No, it's all the same. Yeah, I mean eventually it'll... It's real smelly. Well sure, but I'm still there I don't want to smell these rotten eggs. So I'm gonna take these eggs. Okay. I'm gonna throw them

I'm gonna open the door for my tractor throw some eggs at you shut that door Drive slowly away Wait for you to come by I'll have my pitchfork ready. Okay, all right. And I have decided that the windmill, the arm of the windmill that I broke off, I have attached that like a feather onto my tractor. It's now decoration. I don't even need it between my eggs and my pitchfork and my tractor. Mike is on the chainsaw with a horse and a hatchet, so you're one-handing the chainsaw? Oh yeah.

And you were worried about killing yourself when you had two hands on it? Yeah. I had already said it. Did you cut the head off your own horse on accident? It's very possible. Either the horse's head or my head. That's a new definition for headless horseman. Yes. One of us has got to go. I'm so sleepy. And okay, I'm going to... And okay, I'm going to And I'm going to have just the this is my final backup plan, okay should everything You'll you'll catch the the pun should everything go to poop I'm going to have a barrel full of manure

It's your backup plan because if I got gotta light this thing on fire... Oh... And kapoopas... Kapoopas! It's gonna go kapoomp! Because I imagine I will mortally wound myself immediately with this chainsaw. But then I will just sit there. So manure is really flammable? I mean it's... they use it in like explosives, right? Do they?

Oh yeah. Okay, I didn't know that. Because if it's not flammable, that will be a funny moment on the battlefield. It's like fertilizer. LIGHT! like explosives right do they oh yeah okay I didn't know that cuz I knew we're not flammable that will be a funny moment on the battlefield is like fertilizer light light yeah yeah but fertilizer is okay cuz of the methane yes all right I'm in and then I thought you might be hiding yourself underneath it I don't know what you were trying to know you're gonna throw it yeah I can't throw a barrel of manure no I thought you were gonna reach in grab little

pieces of manure and throw it as like little scat bombs. I would. I love that this battle royale turned into the final draft. I'm hiding behind the hay while both of you throw eggs and poop. Yeah. Why. We did it. We did it. We are. We are battling Mike on a horse with a chainsaw and a hatchet and a barrel of manure. Jason with a tractor pitchfork, windmill blade and some eggs. I have a sickle, a baby skype. Pesticide sprayer, a scarecrow and some hay bales. I did have some other picks.

Yeah, likewise, what were yours? I thought I could throw seeds in your eyes. Oh yeah. Some seeds, you know, you're planting some seeds. I'd have to close my eyes for a couple seconds. Yeah. I thought about a pickaxe and hoe. A hoe, yeah, for sure, for sure. It's on my list.

And I didn't know how many chickens I would get if I drafted some chickens, maybe I could release them, cause some panic on the battlefield. Yeah, if you had enough chickens, that's a problem. Thought about a big shovel. Baseball kicker chicken. A big old shovel. Yeah.

I kinda wanted a wood chipper. Oh. But high damage. Could have been a more, yeah. High damage, but I have to get you into the wood chipper. Yeah, my number, the 101, according to when I was looking up what our main farm equipment, every single place had this on it. I did not draft it because I was like, it's not exclusive to a farm,

but it was on every list I saw and it would have been the one I want was a pickup truck. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a weapon. Makes sense. With my last pick. With my last pick I'll take a pickup truck and run your horse down. I also had a story going I was going to have an old time well on my farm and I was going to take the bucket on the rope. Oh yeah. Yeah, swing that thing around.

I was thinking you were drafting the well and trying to trick us to fall down. Try to push us into it? Come over here. I should have done that. Then I could have used the bucket on the rope and pushed you in a well. Okay, Mike, did you have any backups?

You know, like some shears, parachute. A gun. A lot of farmers have guns. Pickup truck I would have let go. I mean, that's a good pit. I will draft pickup truck. It has to be like an old Chevy blue pickup truck. Oh for sure, this is from the 50s.

It barely runs, it barely runs. Well no, it runs forever because it's American made from the 50s. Roar, roar, roar, roar 50s. And a fence post? Yeah, that's pretty good. Oh, barbed wire. Oh, dang it. That would have been real good. Dry dung fuel or dry manure is animal feces that has been dried in order to use as a fuel source.

Yeah. Alright, that's pretty good. And it smells. And we're back to the colonic all right what did we learn today well I definitely learned that you do a clock someone's house that blew my mind I thought this was a doctor visit I learned that a sickle and a scythe aren't the same thing. I learned that the root canal, your tooth will be okay. You thought it would just kill the tooth.

I thought over a long enough time once you had one, you had to eventually replace the tooth. Now are you more open-minded about a root canal? I still don't want one. Yeah. You're going to call an Oscar-Bivivis? Thank you for tuning in everybody. Tell your friends about the show.

We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballers pod.com