Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Boiled Urine and Challenging Death to a Duel - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

Spit Hit for October 28th, 2021: We had to do it. We have drafted ‘Best Smells’ before so it is only fitting to sequel that with a ‘Worst Smells’ draft. You may not want to listen to this one while eating. Before we dive into that though, we tackle some tough questions like: ‘Would you rather always shake a sweaty hand or always have to chest bump’ and ‘If you can make one law that everyone is required to follow, what is it?’. Subscribe and tell your friends about another fun episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's Spit Hits, you know we always have to ask the important questions. Things like, if you could make one law, what would it be? Or would you rather always shake a sweaty hand or always have to chest bump somebody when you meet them in a room? These are life's important questions. Altering questions. It's very important. And we draft the best smells.

Look, if you're hungry, you should probably grab something to eat while you listen to this podcast. Do not pause this. Get the food. Listen up. Enjoy the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

Playing the hits. That was a classic, classic Holloway scat intro. I forgot it was me. You didn't look at the screen and see yourself on the single shot? No, I'm not that narcissistic, Mike. I saw you. I don't see. Did you see him?

I'm always looking at the screen. I only see other people. I don't see myself. You see what I mean? So, like, when you're on there and there's nobody else, you see other people. I see. You look at that screen and nobody else, you see other people. I see. You look at that screen and you go, is that Samuel L. Jackson? I see other people.

It's a condition. Does your wife know about this? I'm being treated. Wait, hold on, hold on. My wife. Well, you said you see other people. I thought I lived with Kevin Bacon. Are you a vampire?

I don't know, Mike. How do you know? I don't eat people. No? I don't eat people. No, vampires don't eat people. I don't drink people. That is not a thing. No, but they don't reflect. So if you're in the morning and you look in the mirror and you're not there, you only see other people.

You're very pasty. You are known for being very pasty. No, I'm letting you finish the insult, Jason. Thank you. I appreciate it. Welcome to the Spitballers Pod. We have a Would You Rather, a Situation Room, and a wonderful draft. On the show today, last week's draft really went off the rails in terms of intelligence.

We manifested many of the qualities of geniuses during that show. No. Especially Mike. It was. So I encourage you to go listen. I think you're talking about the two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Yes, that is what I was talking about.

Sorry. I'm remembering two weeks ago when we had a very crazy, crazy draft. Welcome in. At the top of the show, you heard Jason talk about something brand new. Now, the fans of the show, you've asked for a few things. And one of the things that you talk about is, hey, you'd love to have more episodes. Well, the pathway to doing more with this show, which takes time and resources, a couple of producers, hosting, bandwidth, all that stuff. Part of the process of getting where you want to go with this show

was kind of spinning up a formal community for the Spitwads. So we've done that. You can go to spitballerspod.com. You can become a member of the official community. And you get access to the full archive of shows. Everything that we ever do

will be ad-free on the community, so you can subscribe to the premium archive of shows. Everything that we ever do will be ad-free on the community so you can subscribe to the premium content. So check that out. We encourage you to. You can also follow us on Twitter, at SpitballersPod. We appreciate all the reviews, the support. This is show 57-ish. 57-ish.

There is a mysterious missing episode from what we hear. We don't understand why or how. If we find it, we might tell you. Let's get it going. Would you rather? Had to double tap over there. Not everything's perfect, Mike. I don't see perfect people. I don't see perfect people.

I don't see my iPad. Have you thought about going to the eye doctor? A lot of eye problems going on. I don't see. Period. Period. Justin from Twitter wrote in a would you rather question. He wants us to tackle this one, guys.

Would you rather dress like a toddler or talk like a toddler for the rest of your life? Now, I'm a little confused here because we dressed our toddlers like super chic, awesome looking kids. Is toddler two to three years old? Yeah, toddler is. When they're up and they're walking, but they are toddling around. So that's more like one to two. I always view a toddler as you walk, but you still poop in your pants. Yeah, I agree with that.

If you're out of the diaper, you're kind of a little kid. If you're still walking around in the diaper and pooping in your pants, you're a toddler. little kid. If you're still walking around in the diaper and pooping on your pants, you're a toddler. I don't disagree. I think that means you're probably wearing a diaper. Yeah, I just realized that. That's going to be a problem. Or a solution,

depending on your perspective. So wait, that begs the second question. If you were forced to wear a diaper, would you use the diaper? Of course he would. Oh, heck yeah, man. Dude, if I was forced to wear a diaper, and not like, oh, you've got to wear a diaper down the street. No, no, no.

You have to wear it every day, all day long. I have to wear a diaper all day long. Come on. Why would I not use it? We would not be friends. You wouldn't know? I would know. I would not number two.

I would not number two. A little oneski. A little oneski. You wouldn't know? I would know. I would not number two. I would not number two. A little oneski. A little oneski. You wouldn't know the difference. I'm sitting in my chair. A little oneski I can maybe, if you're not sloshing around, I might be okay. You just see Jason, a smile slowly forming across his face. I shake when I know.

Oh, you had the chill at the end. You'd give yourself away. No, I would definitely pee my pants. So wait, is this now becoming a would you rather dress like a toddler? That's a perk. Right. Versus talk like a toddler. That's a negative.

I'm just trying to find the positive of talking like a toddler. There is none. But if I dress like a toddler, I get to pee my pants anywhere I want. A lot of overalls. Mike is a man of few words anyway. You don't like talking. So in this case, when you go into Starbucks as a toddler, you could just say, drink, drink, drink. There are few things that grind my gourd.

Couldn't go gears? No, everyone says grind my gears. For a reason. So he's talking like a toddler over here. That snips my satchel. Like a toddler, like the toddler talk. Really?

Kids learning. Not a two-year-old. It's once they're old enough and you know they talk, but then they just revert on purpose. I cannot handle baby talk. The sweet nothings of the two young lovebirds when they start doing baby talk. Hey, Shmoopy.

Oh, my goodness. Hey, Shmoopy. I have never wanted to punch other people and myself in the face. So here's my favorite part of this story, Mike. My favorite part of the story is the fact that, now, in this hypothetical, well, sure, we could talk like a toddler. But the only people, for the most part, that you see really talking like this are toddlers. And so you're saying that he wants to punch toddlers.

And himself. No, I just said the young lovebirds that they do the baby talk to each other and the children who are old enough to know better. Aw, Mikey. Aw, Scooby. Come on. I can't handle it. Can I get a little answer-wancer? No. No? No.

I'm making a pee-pee-wee-wee. If you have to say that every time, you don't get to do one skis or two skis. If you're going, I'm having a little... Making a poo-poo-doo-doo. Whoopsies. Yeah, yellow.

Oops. I'm taking the dress like a toddler. I think I have to. You can't talk like a toddler. No, it's wrong. Stop. Charles from Twitter, would you rather always shake a sweaty hand... That is not fun.

Or always have to chest bump everyone. Now, we go on tour for our show, like the fancy footballers. Sure. And we do meet and greets after every live show. You shake a lot of hands. In fact, I even told Jason this the other day. We do meet and greets after every live show. You shake a lot of hands. In fact, I even told Jason this the other day. I said, my hand's a little sore because we ran into a group of like. Your hand got sore.

Because I felt like we ran through a group of Marines that had a real strong shake. His little handy-wandy got really sore. I think that speaks to your grip strength during a handshake. My grip strength's fine. Clearly it's not. This wasn't Mike Tyson. My grip strength doesn't stop their grip strength. It does.

If you are able to match their squeeze, then everything is okay. If they are establishing dominance in the handshake, your hand gets hurt. So I need to shake harder. Yes. But we do run into sweaty hands sometimes. No limp fish handshake, your hand gets hurt. So I need to shake harder. Yes. But we do run into sweaty hands sometimes. No limp fish handshake. Oh, limp fish, get out of the way. Get out of the county.

I don't need you. Of all the people on earth, the limp four-finger fish handshake, I will have you escorted out to tent city. Here's the worst thing. So we're doing these hundreds of handshakes, right? And I'm with you guys, right? You need a nice, sturdy, firm handshake. And nothing is worse than when me, a great handshaker, goes in and I accidentally, you know what I mean?

Oh, you get grabbed too soon. Yeah, so then I give the little. Yes. Now you're the fish. And now I give the wet fish handshake. I'm like, no. And in my head I'm thinking. Redo. Did you say wet fish? Are you a sweaty?

Are you a sweaty handshake? But no, I don't think I sweat in the palms. I don't think my hands sweat. But yeah, I hate when I am the floppy fish handshake. Because of speed. Handshakes are complicated. They are. So it needs to be firm and you got to get it in there quick.

This is why I go fist bump. There's nothing wrong at all going the fist bump. Well, no, no, no. But do you go chest bump? Because that's the question. Yeah. That would get old. That would get old.

And that would be uncomfortable with some people. Yeah. And in funerals. Nana. Yeah, Nana. And Nana the chest bump. What's up, Nana? Boo!

Nana's on the ground. How's your hip, Nana? It would be awkward at weddings when you have that whole, like, the bride and groom walk through. Greeting the bride and groom. Double the groom. Okay, whatever. The bride. We now pronounce you man and wife.

As they're walking down, you just jump out the seat. The sweaty handshake, we run into them as my point well obviously people are very nervous to meet us we're incredible we are very intimidating from a physical perspective handsome yeah but always shaking a sweaty hand

I would need a lot of hand sanitizer on me so is this we are to the sweaty hand or we every handshake that we shake Al Borland. Can you weigh in here? Everybody whose hand you shake their hand. Oh my gosh, that's tough when we do hundreds of handshakes. Yeah, because

then so many hands you realize what happens. I'll cast my arm man. I'll pretend I broke it. That means that everyone thinks that we're the sweaty hand person after the first three because you know, because we're translating the sweat from that first guy? Or every guy. But this just gives me a great excuse to wear fingerless gloves.

You've been waiting for a while. This is your moment. As a young lad, there was not much cooler than the fingerless gloves. Have you thought about buying a motorcycle? That could give you a reason. No, I don't buy the motorcycle. What about being an Uber driver? Because we had an Uber driver last week with fingerless gloves. Have you thought about buying a motorcycle? That could give you a reason. No, I don't buy the motorcycle. What about being an Uber driver? Because we had an Uber driver last week with fingerless gloves.

It's true. Racing gloves. And he looked awesome. Or like he shakes a lot of sweaty hands. Where does that come from? I'm not sure. Is the purpose motorcycle riding? Yeah, I believe that's where the fashion became cool.

But those are like leather. not like mittens without fingers. No, it's not the mitten where the cap comes on. These are intentionally, they've cut them off. Because I need gloves, but I also need the tactile sensation. Do you wear a toeless sock? Fingerless mittens would be the stupidest thing in the world. My hands need to be warm, but not too. I need some of them to be freezing, parts to be sweating.

It's like one leg out at night, Jason. It solves so many problems. Dude, I go feet out. I'm covered in blankets, feet exposed. Feet only. Feet only. Yes, I have feet out. That's a true story.

I'm always most comfortable feet out. I am the guy that at the hotel, first thing I do is pull all the sheets off the bed. I can't have them tucked in. Because they're trying to suffocate you. Yes, they're animals. What is the deal with that? I don't know. Why are they tucked in so ferociously?

Some people like it cozy, Mike. Some people think short people like it cozy. Tall people don't want to be stuck in there. Look, you make fun of me for being shorter than youy's question no it's still prison it's prison either way i don't want to go to jail in my hotel bed you've got to untuck those sheets it's ridiculous now have you ever worn the socks that the individual toe spot i've never done it that seems like it that seems dangerous i would do that and then cut them off. Your toes? Yes. Yeah, but do all my toes. I've had enough of these.

Get these off of here. These socks make me want to cut my toes off. I think I have to, man. Both of these are going to be awkward forever in social situations. I have to go sweaty hand because I could get punched for the chest bump. I'm going to go chest bump. I recognize that it could start a fight. I recognize some guy is going to be like,

bro, why'd you chest bump my girl? I'd be like, I was just saying hi. This is how I do it. Well, to be fair, he would also get a chest bump. That's right. And I would lovingly give him a chest bump. I'm giving everybody chest bump. I'm the chest bump guy. It could be your thing. It should be your thing now. Like when fans of the

show come up and say, is it Jason from the Fancy Footballers, from the Spitballers podcast? Are we talking chest bump? A chest bump where you're calling your shot, where they see you approaching and you're pointing up in the air. Yes. And then if they don't jump, it's chest to face. That's right.

That's what it always will be. I'm choosing chest bump. I'm going sweaty hand. Mike, you're sweaty hand? Yeah. All right, Nelly from the website. All right, didn't have any 90s Nelly references. I was waiting.

Thought you were going to go into one. They ran through my head. Not all of them are very appropriate. I couldn't find one to land on. Would you rather have your name constantly be butchered by people, just so, or meet everyone you you meet or never be able to land a high five so this is very interesting because these two are kind of a lot of social interaction on this show because one who cannot land a high five that is quite an embarrassing social stature

if your name's always butchered that is different than just on first meeting because if you correct you can correct anybody on your first oh it's actually andy oh it's actually andrew but if that person now butchers your name forevermore like we have one of the writers for our our show our editor car kyle borgin. The Borgogin, yes. He loves that. He loves having his name butchered. Not really. It's actually Borgognoni. Yes. It is French-Canadian.

That's right. Bonjour. Bonjour. But this would be every time. I mean, this is like your friends, your family, the 50th time. Your mom. Your mom's butchering your name. But that's fine.

Because the thing is, is that doesn't reflect poorly to me. That's on you. That's on them. They're the mistake. If I'm the bad high five guy, that's on me. That's like, dude, just hit my hand. And you can't. You miss it every time.

That's a I'm at fault. That's true. I feel like in most things, I would rather. Do you butcher your own name when you introduce yourself, though? Well, of course. Borland? Yeah, I think you'd have to. So people you meet. Hi, I would rather. Do you butcher your own name when you introduce yourself, though? Well, of course. Yeah, I think you'd have to. So people you meet.

Hi, I'm Randy. Jason. I'm Jason. It's not you. It's everyone else. Yeah, it's just the people that you meet. Then I will go butcher. I'll go to the butcher.

Would you rather be a butcher or always miss a high five? Okay, now we're talking. Now we're talking. Would you rather be a butcher or always miss high f five. Okay, now we're talking. Now we're talking. Would you rather be a butcher or always miss high fives? Because here's the deal. If I'm a butcher, I'm not a podcaster. Right. I love my job.

And you're not just a butcher for a day or two. You're a butcher for life. You've got a life contract. You can have a good, that's a good job. Sure. Make no mistake. We're not bad butchers. Butchers are the ones that really want that job.

Right. Butchers love being butchers that's something you know if you ever see a butcher at your local deli just go up to them say hey man congrats because you know you ever met a melancholy butcher no no butchers are the best actually the last butcher i met very melancholy for real really here's your ribeye no i went to get some 4th of July stuff a while back. Four flanks. I've never been handed four Italian sausages in a more regrettable, melancholy fashion. On the 4th? Was it on the 4th?

Come on! You're mad at the guy? You're calling him out? He has to work on the holiday? How dare you not happily hand me my meat on the 4th of July while you're supposed to work? Sir, don't you love America? How melancholy can you be? Okay, Spillwatch, I'm amending.

I'm on non-holidays. Go up to your butcher in your deli and say congratulations. On holidays, welcome. I went in on Christmas Day for my roast, and he was super bummed out about it. Don't go up and say congratulations when they're working on the 4th or on Christmas Day for my roast, and he was super bummed out about it. Don't go up and say congratulations when they're working on the fourth or on Christmas. Go up and say thank you for your butcher service. For your butcher service.

Oh, I almost got a spit take from that. Almost. So I will go the name butchered route. What do you guys think? I will not be. I like my job. I'm not going to be a butcher butcher so i will lose on high fives all right spit wads look athletes they work hard to keep their bodies at peak performance and it's time we treat mental health the same way it is important you got to keep your body in shape and you got to keep your mental health right. We exercise, we take supplements and we eat right to get the bodies going and therapy can have the

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Match with a licensed therapist when you go to Talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code BALLERS. That's $100 off when you use the code BALLERS at Talkspace.com. The Situation Room. All right, into the Situation Room we go. By the way, if you are out there listening,

spitballers fan, and you do like fantasy football, we have a fantasy football podcast called The Fantasy Footballers. Hey. And it is almost football season is my point. This show's coming out. We're probably into camp now, so you can check that out as well. All right, situation number one. Derek from Twitter has a question.

You were given the opportunity to write one law Situation number one, Derek from Twitter has a question. You are given the opportunity to write one law that takes place immediately, and everyone is required to follow. What law do you write? Great power. Goodness. So I can write any law. This is almost a genie situation. Almost.

Almost. It's not magical. No. But I can make any law come into existence. Selfless or selfish? Yeah, I mean, you could go for the people. You could go the people for me. People don't always follow laws, though.

That's true. No, but you can throw them in jail. For not worshiping you as king? Well, if I were to be someone who were to write the worship law of me, I can tell you right now the punishment for said law. Death? I mean, it's treason. So, yeah, look.

But I'm not going to write that law. No, you would never. No, no, no, no, no, no. That just comes naturally. With my second law, if I ever came around, then I'm doing it. Man, so. This doing it. Man. This is a difficult one. I could get Priuses off the road.

That'd be awesome. Which you've brought up before. I have brought that up. Sweet potatoes. I'm just trying to think. I mean, you could get rid of them. What if you just say that if you have a Prius, you are required by law, you must go 13 over the speed limit? Oh, yeah. There you go.

That would fix it. Because they're actually good for the environment. I don't have any problem with the vehicle. It's a good vehicle. I'm going social experiment. When humans get in that vehicle. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Here's the new law. Okay. The law is that you don't have to pay taxes ever if you eat one spider a day on camera. So you just... That's just a very anti-jason law you have to eat a spider so i have to pay your government is crumbling in two weeks and you will not pay taxes all the spiders are gone think about it you could but what is let me ask this what is eating a spider you put it in your mouth. I know about eating spiders. What is the benefit to the country?

I said social experiment. The benefit is what are you willing to do to avoid taxes? I'm really asking a would you rather question in the form of a law. I think that's what just happened. I will eat a spider every day. Would you? Yes. So you would eat a spider every day to not pay taxes. Yeah.

Does it have to be alive? You gotta hunt them yourself. See, that makes it a little bit more difficult. What if I breed them? That's tough. You could breed them. Okay. Then you're a spider breeder that eats spiders every day. Do you eat them alive or dead? That's the deal breaker for me. You're that pro spider that you would be able to put one alive

in your mouth? Yeah. Taxes. Come on, man. Taxes are worse than eating spiders. Borland. I think we could put a poll out in there. I think it would be pretty unanimous.

Eating spiders, 365 spiders a year or paying taxes. I'd be paying taxes. Unfortunately, I would be paying some Mondo taxes. And your taxes would be even higher because i'm not paying any of it they all fall on my shoulders now same amount of taxes have to be paid that's the law i'm passing and i don't care what you have to say about all right that's your law um i think for my law so i'm going to stick with cars oh i'm going i think mine's a car one as well I am going to stick with cars. Oh,

I'm going, I think mine's a car one as well. We're just conversing. All right. I am getting rid of the speed limit. Steering wheels. Oh, you're going auto.

I'm going auto bond. Look, I trust myself enough to be able to speed wherever I want. I'm going to get myself a nice fast car. I'm going to get everywhere I want quicker. I'm never going to have to be looking out for all the radars. I experienced your world this morning. Because I was turning right to go into our complex at the intersection. And a motorcyclist came through that intersection

at a rate of speed that basically knocked my car on its ass. I'm talking unbelievable speed. Like, this man is deceased right now somewhere in Arizona, probably over 500 miles away from here at this speed. But it was scary. I don't trust you. I don't trust that law can look there's just because i thought the autobahn was super safe yeah it is but just because i remove the speed limit doesn't

mean you have to drive like a maniac you could drive your standard 12 miles an hour and the autobahn is a freeway yes his rule applies everywhere global i am going so school zone no more school zones i'm going everywhere outside of residential. That would include the school zone sometimes. Okay. School zones have. So everything's off limits. That's a problem.

Because if I'm coming up to a school zone and I'm driving 115, that's a big problem. I will protect the schools, Mike. I have a platform for running for president. I will protect the schools, Mike. I have a platform for running for president. I will protect education in this country. The problem is I want to get my kids to school quicker. So you can drive as fast as you want nowhere. I can drive as fast as I want wherever I want unless I'm going to school, in which case I've got to slow down a little bit beforehand.

All right. Mike, do you have any ideas? The only thing that's coming to my head a little bit beforehand. All right. Mike, do you have any ideas? The only thing that's coming to my head for, I don't know, whatever reason, traffic lights, okay, when it is the red arrow, but there is not the option for it to turn into the flashing yellow light. It's infuriating. It's like, I can go here. Nobody's coming.

Yeah, you just want to fix that one little issue. Because I think this can actually get done. It's not outlandish. You can do anything. This gives you... You want to know a real... No more sitting at a stupid red turn arrow without the option for the yield to start flashing.

It's not bad. If you want a real... You want to start with some real legislation that could help the world, how about this? Fast food drinks, 16 ounces or less. All of them. Everywhere.

Now you're slipping into a... Oh, yeah. That's rough, man. Them's fighting words. People were not happy when those laws started getting passed. Oh, I know they're not happy, but they're not as fat. And that is... Soda is rough.

Yeah. Speaking of soda, I could go for a cool refreshing Pepsi. Could, could I do something where hostess apple pies have to double their size? No, no, no. The size,

the size is the same. I just want them everywhere. I don't want to be able to go to a place of business for them. You must offer host. If you sell food. No. How dare you? Because if I go somewhere that doesn't sell food, I want Hostess Apple Pies.

So basically, if you are a business, you now sell food because you sell Hostess Apple Pies. Every operating taxable business must sell Hostess Apple Pies. That's right. Are you a CPA? When I go to get my taxes done- Sir, would you like a water or a Hostess Apple Pie? I will take four. $1.25. I will take four

Hostess Apple Pies, please. And yes, that water will be necessary. Pay taxes. You could either not pay taxes at all if you don't eat Hostess Apple Pies. Oh, come on, man. Oh, I'll tell you what. You like Hostess Apple Pies that much. I like

Hostess Apple Pies enough to eat them for thousands of dollars. On the black market. I am. I like Hostess apple pies enough to eat them on the black market. I am smuggling these things in where nobody can see. I'm taking it down like my Hawaiian rolls into some recess of my house. I'm eating them there. I'm lying on my taxes saying, I didn't eat no Hostess apple pies. With it dripping down his face. And they're going to say, sir, you're 325 pounds.

I know you've eaten Hostess Apple Pie. We know it didn't come from the soda. For the moral dilemma of your wife catching you eating black market apple pies. And then she has to decide. Do I tell? Do I do the patriotic thing and turn my husband into the law? And pay taxes now. All right, new situation.

Josh from Twitter. You're being forced to replace your other two co-hosts with two characters from your favorite sitcoms. Who are you bringing in to replace them with? Andy Dwyer. I call Andy Dwyer for one of you two. Mike, you are now Andy from Parks and Rec. Yes. You realize that they have to be able to do this job.

Dude, he would do this job so far better than you or me or Andy. So you've got Andy Dwyer. The job here is to entertain. I don't think he would be on time and be able to hold down a conversation on the microphone. Michael Scott, George Costanza. They're my two. Michael Scott and George Costanza.

It's going to be explosive. It's going to be filled with facts that would be so explosive those two together would be incredible so I've still got to find someone I like what you've done Andy you have made a mixture

that could explode yeah I want something that's going to it's going to end up in the press every day because Michael Scott's going to come in here. He's going to make some claims that are factually inaccurate. George Costanza's going to lose his mind about those. Wow. And I'm just going to be here hosting like I do.

All right, so I still need one. You need two, Mike. Also, I currently have George Costanza and Michael Scott as co-hosts. Which one are you? I don't know. I'm taking Andy Samberg's Jake character from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Oh, so good. Because he is going to be hilarious, and he's also smart.

Yeah. He's a pretty good cop. He's good at his job. And then I'm also going to bring in Charlie from Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Oh, that'd be very good. I was hoping you were going Charlie from Charlie Brown. Oh, that would make... The famous sitcom, Charlie Brown.

That's what was running through my head. The laugh track was so good in that show. See, I'm... I'm going to bring in... Oh, dude. I'm getting ran over by a... Lexus! You're just bringing Parks and Rec.

Why don't you just do a Parks and Rec podcast? Yeah. We should do a... First, he tries to claim one Parks and Rec character so fast that we can't claim him. and rec why don't you just do a parks and rec podcast yeah we should do a part he first he tries to claim one parks and rec character so fast that we can't claim him because it's so highly competitive for him then he goes uh john ralphio john ralphio and andrew wire we will have a banger of a podcast yeah i like that all right more situation, then we're into our draft. Peter from Twitter, you hear a knock at the door. Oh.

Hello. It is death. Uh-oh. Oh, it's the Grim Reaper. It has come to take you. It's unfortunate. Before he does, he gives you a chance to save your life by challenging him in a retro video game of your choice.

Oh, all right. So where do I dominate? Super Smash Bros. 64. Pick, Mike. It's done. Super Smash Bros. 64. Are you still good at it? Would you believe that if you sat down?

Because I hear you challenging people to that sometimes. Yes, I firmly believe that I could sit down and I would be up to speed in two matches. And Super Smash Bros. 64, I'm on record. I will play as Fox McCloud, and I will take on anyone, anywhere. By anywhere, I mean if you come to Arizona, we will play Super Smash Bros. 64. All expenses not paid. Yeah. I know mine, but go ahead, Jay.

I will go Tecmo Super Bowl or Super Tecmo Bowl, whichever, if you want to be a stickler about it. I hope you name it. And then he's like, that game doesn't exist, and he just kills you. Yeah, that's probably happening. He's probably a stickler, huh? He's a stickler. Death is a stickler.

With death on the line, would you really want to go with a sports game that still has a bit of luck factor of computer luck built into it well so here's the thing like uh-oh a fumble happened right i totally get that my life is in the hands of tecmo um but i don't know so like if i could use a game genie there are a lot of other games a game genie, there are a lot of other games. You can't use a game genie against death. Yeah, but that's what I mean. Clearly in his rules. Death would catch you halfway through. I can see him.

He looks over at the controller. It was not the controller. It's the giant contraption hanging out of the Nintendo. That's right. Jason. What is that? Why does he sound like Batman?

He sounded a lot like... I'm Grim Reaper. I am death. See, I was going to go with Super Mario Kart. Swear to me. But Super Mario Kart, there's a... Do you know how many people have challenged death to a game of Super Mario Kart? They all think they can beat him.

He's going to be so good at that game. The problem is they have that balancing. Like, you know, when you're in last place, you get all the best power-ups. When you're in first place, you don't. I can see myself crossing the finish line about to. Getting a blue shell. Red shell. No, I ain't no blue shell.

I get red shelled, and then death comes for me, and it's over. That would be rough. But that's the best game. I was the best at that game than any game I ever played. Oh, that's interesting. I'll use the GameShark then. Game Genie won't work. I will use the GameShark.

Of course you had a GameShark. Tecmo Super Bowl. You got me. That's darn right I did, death. All right, let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. Oh, my goodness. All right.

Today's mock draft here on the – I can tell the mock draft's about to start because I look around, and my two co-hosts, they got their pens out. They're jotting down ideas, both of them simultaneously. Mm-hmm. And our draft today is an idea that came from Diego on Twitter. So thank you, Diego. Today's draft is a simple one, a smelly one,

because we are drafting the worst smells, the worst smells possible. Let your imagination run wild. Okay. Man. I have the first pick. Congratulations. And that stinks.

Oh! Hell yeah! Yeah, can I have two picks now? Can I have two picks? You can have four picks, but they come at the normal spots of the day. All right. So a lot of things to consider. A lot.

Look, smells. I think the ones we'll draft are going to be pretty universally bad. I would say also, if you are sitting down for a meal and you're enjoying our podcast right now, you may want to finish that meal before we start talking about this. Pause button. If you're enjoying our draft of best smells, you eat that. right now. You may want to finish that meal before we start talking about this stuff. The little pause button. Go back and listen to our draft of best smells while you eat that, and then you can come back and tune into this one. Thank you, Al.

You'll be happy to know you did not make the list. Oh, well, speak for yourself. You still got two other people. I would say most of these are going to end up universal. Smells are a little bit subjective. Certainly. I would say the order in which you put bad smells is subjective.

You might agree that there are five bad smells, but you might hate one more than another. Some people love the smell of gasoline. Some people hate it. Smells are subjective for sure. I'm going to go with the number one pick of a corpse. Okay. So a dead corpse, animal, human, decomposing flesh, however you want to describe it, a dead decomposing body.

I do have some questions. Okay. I do have some questions. Are you calling me smelly? How many decomposing human bodies have you smelled? Great question. And that is why, see, Mike, you did not catch me. I feel like you caught yourself in the middle of it.

No, no, no, no, no. I said a decomposing corpse, body, flesh. I've smelled plenty of dead animals. I was shocked. We found a dead bird in our backyard. I put it in the trash can. Trash comes in a day.

I'm telling you the street, there were fire alarms going off by the 24 hours. It smelled so bad. It is an unfathomably bad smell. I'm pretty happy you went with that because that was not my number one pick. That's fine. Sure. Now I'm starting to sweat over here, Mike. I am on the clock.

Was that one of the two that you wanted to get to you? No, I didn't have two. Are you trying to get me to pick your sweat? Do you like the smell of my sweat? Not really. It is one of these. I will take vomit. Oh, that's a good one.

I will take vomit. It is the worst. There are not very many smells that are notorious for getting other people to vomit. Other than vomit. But someone else's vomit. Dead bodies. Yes. But I don't think I don't think, in fairness, I don't think it's just the smell of vomit that gets people to vomit. It's the whole act. Like, you see

someone throwing up. No, cleaning up cleaning up vomit makes you Some people are more sensitive. It's the gag reflex. And when my wife and I got married, 13 years ago, we made a deal. We said when we have children, I'm handling snot duties, you handle vomit duties because I am a sympathetic puker. If I smell it within a mile, I'm gagging.

Yes. Although I will say that when you have kids, you push through. Something with your kids, you just ignore it. But if another random person throws up. Jason's cracking his knuckles just warming up I got dead body you've got so vomit which is a great selection here's also a terrible selection here's my favorite my favorite thing so when you know when I saw okay this is it a lot of a lot of ideas come to mind right but you always want to check like what am I forgetting I do a little google search what are some of the worst spells and and on one of these lists don't worry guys i'm not gonna i'm not gonna

draft this but one of the known worst smells is boiled urine hold on hold on yes oh we need to dive into boiled urine why does it have to be don I would say we don't need to dive in. Why does it have to be? Who discovers that it smells worse when it's boiled? This is such a known thing. It made a list of like- There's somebody that wants to believe if you boiled it, it would become water and you could drink it. Like it would boil the urine away. Well, here's the thing.

Urine is sterile. Not for long. Not for long. I'm imagining that someone slipped a oneski into a pot that was already on the fryer, and then someone was just like, oh, sweet, I left some water in here, and then they turn it on. How else do you end up with boiled urine? How else do you guys make macaroni? That's what I was going to say.

Make some mac and cheese. So you're not drafting boiled urine. Boiled. This is going to be easy for me because the first two things that came to my mind, I was going to say. Make some mac and cheese. So you're not drafting boiled. This is going to be easy for me because the first two things that came to my mind, I got two picks here. The first thing is other people's farts, right? My farts, they're fantastic. They don't. Sure. They're great.

I love your brand. Other people's farts. I don't want to smell them. They're bad. I just went to a little staycation here and I walked in this elevator. Oh, come on and it was i don't know if it was one of my kids i would like to think it wasn't it probably was but it was not good and when i am stuck uh you know in in an elevator airplane in a

in an open room and i smell your your farts I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. Why are you looking at me so instantly? I'm just wanting you to know. He doesn't enjoy it, Andy. Yeah, all right. Respect. I got the message. Don't fart on you anymore. My second thing that came to mind was courtesy of a gentleman at a local home depot.

Boiled urine. Body odor. Oh, yes. When you are stinky, rancid, haven't showered in a long time, we're talking real BO. I don't know of much that smells worse than that like that's probably it's not as common as a fart like a fart everyone smelled farts all the time because everybody farts body odor is not as common most people that were around aren't producing crazy body odor they showered today or at least yesterday but when you are around bad bo

oh that could make me vomit that's just so nasty yeah and then that would make mike vomit certainly would all right so you've taken other people you're making a very clear distinction not farts but other people my farts are fantastic this isn't best smells we already did that right best smells would be my farts. Your smells are other people's farts. And then you're taking body odor. How does that happen? It's so bizarre that something that smells as bad as a fart

can be enjoyed by yourself. You can enjoy it. You guys don't enjoy it. It's like a morbid curiosity, right? Yeah, totally. You two are weird man 100 all right mike you're up disgusting and it's just a curiosity i will take a porta potty oh okay okay because trying to go to the bathroom in a poor potty you're it's in arizona especially i don't know

if everyone has experienced the 100 plus degree porta potty where it is just rotting away in the basin of that thing. But it is horrifying. That's a tough one because you're saying a port-a-potty itself. I think it's understood what I'm talking about. Okay, fine. A heavily soiled port-a-potty. No, no, no. Do I have to put that in there?

First of all, I'm not picking it apart. I'm trying to decide what I'm allowed to pick now. Because I'm picking... I wanted to pick poop. Yeah, so you can't pick poop because that's the smell in a port-a-potty. No. The smell of a port-a-potty, he's trying to... He wouldn't say... He'd say poop. He's saying port-a-potty for the all-encompassing

combo platter, right? Yeah, I mean, if you take poop, which I'll allow it, you are taking what I have already selected except like a much milder version of it. Right. Because the port-a-pot... So now you're diminishing it so I don't want to take it? Because

a poop compared to mounds and mounds of multiple people's poop. You know what? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm going to go a different direction. I'm going to go deep cuts. Oh, yeah. I'm doing too deep.

I'm going to go. Well, we'll go with this one first. I'm going to go rotten eggs. Rotten eggs is atrocious. I was between that and porta potty. Rotten eggs is both the smell of rotten eggs. It's also the smell of, like, what, sulfur, basically? Yeah, gas.

It's sulfur gas. That rotten egg smell. It's rough. It's bad. It's real bad. It can kill you in the wrong environment. Number two. Is that factual information?

100%. Rotten egg smell can kill you? Sulfur gas. Yeah, that smells like rotten eggs if you're at like a Yellowstone. Okay, but sulfur isn't rotten eggs. Are you taking rotten eggs? I'm taking the rotten egg smell. Okay, all right.

Which smells like sulfur or vice versa. The second thing I'm taking, I said deep cut, burnt hair. That's on my list. Burnt. Burnt hair is bad. Hair is. Why does it smell so bad? Indescribably disgusting.

And you know it. You go, that's burnt hair. I was going to say, I don't know what context I've been around where I'm regularly have smelled burnt hair. It's probably been three times in my life. I don't know when or why it's gross. Burnt hair. Final answer.

Okie dokie. All right. This is where Mike takes poop. Please just take poop. Well, he's got to have it to put in the port-a-pot. Well, I mean, there is in fact, poop involved in my neck. Is this a clean porta potty, like fresh off the line? He has a brand new porta potty.

The plastic they use. You can't take the plastic. I will take sewage. Okay. Which is kind of in the porta potty. Yes, it is definitely in the same realm, but there is a different smell. When you're smelling that backed up sewer, it's a lot different than a port-a-pot. That's fine.

That's good. There's also garbage and stuff mixed in there. Okay. All right. Look, I am taking people. And by that, what I mean is I've got their farts. I've got their body odor. All right. And I'm taking their bad breath.

Yeah, okay. Wow. Halitosis. Yes, good halitosis, Joe, with the stinky body odor. Yeah, and he's farting up a storm. So you don't want to smell people. I don't want to smell the bad parts of people. Yeah.

I would love to smell you if you're fresh and clean and have a nice perfume. Like Mike's fresh and clean pristine porta potty. I don't mind the smell of plastic so that's fine. I really like the idea of Mike just plastic

smells bad. What's your team so far and then you have one left right now i've got farts body odor and bad breath i got the stinky people out there and i could complete it with going like stinky feet really take the whole trifecta you really that would be good actually it would be good that's fine but i'm not going to you're gonna to ruin the avatar that you have built. Now I'm second guessing myself. Now I'm questioning. Let me write this. No just put it which one do an outlier. Are you doing some some abacus. Yep. Over there. This one to the left. I'm going to take

I'm going to complete the avatar I have to do it I'm going stinky feet good for you those are really bad we're not talking everyday little itty bitty stinky feet

when you get there are people... Who have a problem. They remove their... The second they remove their shoe, you say, Sir or Madam, I need you to put your shoes back on.

And purchase some odors. Well, excellent, because that left the pick that I wanted to take, which you certainly could have taken this. I've got it written down and circled. Really? Yeah. Okay.

Did you see what I wrote down? No, I did not. But I'm taking cigarette smoke. Oh, that's... So here's the thing with that. And look, okay, here's a PSA. Smokers, you're free to do your thing. You smell bad.

You smell really, really bad and you don't know that you smell bad. They know. No, they don't. They have to know. Here's the funny thing about that. You become immune to it. This is slightly different,

so I'm not discounting it. That's a good pick. My grandfather smoked a pint. That's different. That's why I said cigarette. Best smell in the world. Yes. And there are people who cigarette smoke means like the person that they love,

you know, that smokes. Good. Well, good for them. They're stinky friends. It's rough. That was on my list. No, it was on my original like, okay, thinking of ideas. But then I was like, I don't want to lose a smoker vote.

No, that's what I'm saying. I prefaced it with, I'm not condemning you. Smokers out there. I'm just saying you smell. Mike has called you stinky. Carry some Febreze. Vote for Jason. What was the one that you found that boiled urine?

Boiled urine. Boiled urine. What did you? Let me see what you wrote. After you said that, I wanted to look up what other people said after you said that, and there was somebody who said sweaty crotch. Oh, yeah. That's not one I'm not drafting.

In the business, we call that duck butter. Oh, we do. Duck butter. In the business. In the biz. You are in the biz. That's right. All right, so so far I have a decomposing flesh.

I've got rotten eggs. I've got burnt hair. And I've got a decision to make. And it's not going to be sweaty crotch. So, man, it's between two animals. Okay. You're the last pick. See, he's going to take the one I wanted.

It's either cat pee or dog poop, and I'm going to go cat pee. Okay. It's real bad. You are correct. Cat pee is so bad that millions of dollars in commercials goes to making sure your cat pee gets to the right deodorizing place. I literally don't know what cat pee smells like because I don't like cats, and I'm not around cats, and therefore I'm not around cat pee. So, yeah, I'm going to close it out there. Jason, you have other people's farts.

You have other people's body odor. You have other people's bad breath. You have other people's stinky feet. Yeah. The thing about stinky feet. For you, all of those, they're just great. Oh, yeah. I love my stinky feet.

Your body odor? Body odor, stinky feet. You don't even have to classify other people. That's true. You know you stink. Yeah, you do. Oh, that's the worst. I don't enjoy it. If you get a smell, that's the worst. I don't enjoy it.

If you get a smell of it. No, like I don't enjoy, you know, when my pits are smelling, I don't enjoy that. That's not like a fart. I want you to know. You don't do the little smell thing? Oh, sure. Of course I do. There's something wrong with this.

Oh. You go, oh, that's bad. It's a little bit of shock. A little morbid curiosity. Yes. Mike has vomit, a port-a-potty, sewage, and cigarette smoke. I have. Shout out to wet dog. Yes, and a skunk.

And fish, dead fish. I have two things written down, skunk and fish, on mine. Yeah, ammonia is in the consideration, and then obviously sweaty crotch. Yeah, I had a gym bag written down as well. And boiled urine. And boiled urine. All right. gym bag written down as well. And boiled urine. And boiled urine. All right.

What did we learn today? I learned that people can boil urine. Honestly. I genuinely learned that today. You didn't know that they could? No, I didn't think it was legally permissible. Interesting. I learned that Andy thinks other people should be working on holidays. Yeah, I learned. No, happily working on holidays. Right. That's true. That's other people should be working on holidays. Yeah, I learned.

No, happily working on holidays. Right, that's true. That's true. Happily working on holidays. Carry my meat with a smile, butcher. I learned that death will allow a game shark, but not a game genie. Because you guys did not repute my game shark. We gave up on you.

We knew you were cheating. I totally forgot to bring it up. But that's just full on Bill and Ted's bogus journey where they challenge death to a multitude of games. How did it work out? They beat him. They beat him in Battleship. Did they have a GameShark?

They had to have a GameShark. You can't GameShark Battleship. B-12. He would try real hard. I would find a way. Take a little photo. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. We'll see you next week.

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