Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Butt Breathing & The Weakest Link - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 30, 2021

Spit Hit for December 30th, 2021: Our most requested segment is back today! Liar Liar! Once again, the guys put their intellect up against the clever Owl. Will this be the first time one of the hosts can see through all the lies? But before that, we discuss some ‘Would You Rather’ scenarios involving chewing someone else’s gum, wearing dirty clothes for a week, and finding the Holy Grail. We finish this episode off with a battle royale draft with a twist. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, spit wads, we got a spit hit for you, and it's a spit hit because it's full of butt breathing. And you're going, well, what's butt breathing, Jason? And I'm going, well, you're going to have to listen to this classic episode. Plus, not only does this episode have the best segment that we do on this show, but we have another battle royale draft with a twist. Check it out. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Beep boop, beep beep boop ding dong that's that's how you go back to back after that sensational episode 100 scat go starting with that one all right beep poop while we're starting over episode 101 and actually that was a stinker and i haven't that's my first stinker i out of yeah and you you can sit in it it feels bad yeah the rest of this episode i hope you're tilted hey listen i want to say something here yeah go ahead go ahead go ahead go. This is actually episode 100, guys.

We did it. Because somewhere along the way, people have pointed out to us that we skipped a number or something happened where there's like some missing episode. I don't know what happened, but we found out about it like 70 episodes ago. We were Tupac committed. We were saying the episode. But look, last episode, it was a lie. We said it was 100.

No, don't say that, Jason. That scat I just dropped is on episode 100, and that's not acceptable. The episode you're referring to, it was just too funny. Hazardous to the health of everyone. I thought to myself, what if a robot, you know, was to scat, but with low battery. But it just didn't have enough.

Didn't I robot scat like a couple weeks ago? Maybe. Well, not like that. Not like that. Boop. Yeah, the boop was different than the beep. And then I ended with a ding dong because that's what robots do.

Robots love ding dong. It was a robot on a dying battery approaching your front door. Thank you, Mike, for seeing through the weeds. I follow you now. Very avant-garde of you. Yeah, I was highly intelligent. Would you rather, liar, liar liar a very entertaining draft today on the show it's going to be a lot of fun at spitballers pod on twitter head over to

spitballerspod.com learn how you can become an official spitwad a supporter of the show and you can contribute your ideas if you want you might even suggest some different scat ideas nobody's done that before wow but clearly they're needed i don't know how it would take how i would take that advice if they said i want uh i want a scat like uh you're at a mountain range what does that mean i need a scat like a wolf eating a candy bar there you go there you go and then just how at the end you just wasted a great scat man right in the middle of the episode so uh very excited to be with you let's start it off would you rather david from patreon says would you rather choose someone else's already chewed gum every time that you had bad breath or have another person blow on you to cool you off every time you were hot?

Gross times gross is gross. Someone else's already chewed gum. Is it still minty? Yeah. I want to know what is the condition of this gum? If it's already chewed, man, it doesn't have any flavor. We all know that it doesn't take much chew to get rid of the flavor. It's about the consistency, man.

Am I restarting the motor on this gum? Is it hard and dry? Or is it like... That matters? Yeah, I know. It it's gross but you're not restarting the motor that you're you're in it does seem to matter to me is it gross if i say i don't mind if another person blows on me to cool me off every time i'm hot like that's it's interesting efficient yeah no but i don't have to do the work here and so it's actually rather efficient from my side i

do nothing and i get a little bit of extra air put on me it's like gotta be pretty close yeah and pretty healthy and pretty healthy that's true don't need any all germs yeah right not that the gum it's a good germ situation right yes oh no oh i you know i'm proud one of my life accomplishments is having never been tempted to take gum off the bottom of a desk or a shoe and then eat it again i've never done that uh no never and so i don't know what that would be like. Sometimes you got to step out on the wing, man. Do you? Do you really? No, I've never done this. I guess with the would you rather you have to here, I think I will take, yeah, I guess

I'll take the one Jason did. Okay. So you have to think about how this is physically happening. This person is quite close they are in your personal bubble because they are they can't be six feet away they can't be three feet away they are all up in your business blowing on you and that is that is so gross but can that build you up bad can that can that build you up like it's like a you know you're gonna build you up? It's like you're an assistant. Can it build you up? I don't care about the immune system. Like an inflatable?

No, not like an inflatable. Let's say you've got an assistant and their job is to, they've got a little portable electric fan and they fan you off. Oh no, the fan's out of batteries. And I'm like, well, it looks like you're got, give me your wind. And then I just go about my business. Give me your give me give me your wind and then i just go about my business give me your wind and then i go about my business while this person has to blow on me to cool me down you're telling me that's not gonna make me feel pretty good

like this person i am telling you it will not make you feel good at all okay and i would rather i think i'd rather be like have my shame you know what I'm not involving another person yes I'm changing no because I figured out a loophole I only have to chew that gum when I have bad breath I'm brushing my teeth 8 10 20 times a day I'm not gonna have to chew this gum because my breath is not going sour I'll buy the mouthwashes I'm gonna protect myself that is a really good loophole you found. I mean, genuinely, if every hour you just rent some Listerine, you're never having to chew another person's gum. I mean, technically, there is a loophole for the other one. You could just never

be hot. But in your case, there's no loophole. Someone would be right here right now blowing on me literally this second. I'm so hot. Mike, do you want to cast your final vote here? I'm taking the gum. All right. Big Boss from Patreon. Coming in from the Big Boss. Oh, all right. Big Bows. Big Bows.

Big Bows. Would you rather not be able to shower for a week but wear clean clothes each day or have to wear the same clothes for a week but you can shower daily? So you are choosing the order in which you get dirty? The way that you get dirty? So here's what I have learned from sometimes extra time at home.

have learned from sometimes extra time at home. When you don't shower, the smells that can happen are surprising. Surprising to yourself, surprising to others. And that happens in about two days. Seven days from now, there ain't no clean clothes in the world that are going to make me smell okay. It's impossible.

Not happening. And on the flip side, I have a pair of basketball shorts. Have you been wearing them every day? You're not washing them too often. They have been worn. I couldn't count the number. I could not tell you the number of days that I have. No, I don't wear these 100% of the time.

I'm proud to be pantsless a lot. But when I do wear pants, they're the same unwashed basketball shorts. So I don't really have a huge problem with the unwashed clothes because I don't wear clothes all that often. I've been wearing the same shorts for a very very long time i mean yeah it's look this is just my life now so and how many times will you guys wear a pair of jeans normal life oh without washing yeah you got a pair of jeans how how many times will you wear them before that's got to go in the washer? Four times?

Six times? Five times? Until I spill on them. Right. Until other people can tell how long it's been. If there's no stains on the denim, I'm letting it ride, baby. I mean, it's funny because I remember as a young man. I think there are people that actually never wash their denim.

Ever. Yeah. I think some people do that. You're talking to one right now. I mean. I think some psychopath people that actually never wash their denim. Ever. Yeah. I think some people do that. You're talking to one right now. I mean. I think some psychopaths. No. I used to, when I was a young man, I didn't, I mean, I wouldn't wear jeans.

Yeah. I wouldn't wear jeans without washing. Like, if I wore those yesterday, then those go in the dirty clothes. And you wash them, and then you can't wear them until they're clean. But my point is. But you've been known for having really smelly legs them until they're clean. But my point is. But you've been known for having really smelly legs. Have I?

Oh. I don't know. This is breaking news for me. Oh, no. Have you guys been talking about this behind my back? Here comes old smelly legs again. Oh, man. That person that always cools you down told me that.

Yeah. Well, they would know. Yeah. So, I mean, here. Dirty clothes. If I'm'm clean are they really dirty yep well this is the same argument as the towel which going back to that i have come to uh this is something on a former episode where you know is how often do you need to wash a towel or whatnot since we had that discussion towels are disgusting man towels are so gross and they are never clean you get out of with your clean body and you wipe off you're getting dead skin cells coming off of you because of the shower

you're i mean that towel's filthy and i want everybody out there to know that when you reuse your towel you're disgusting uh but i'll take the uh i'll take the but i'll wear the same clothes every day i'll wear the same clothes well if i gotta pick one i'm i will be clean i will have uh dirty clothes all right all right mike which did you go with i'm going showering i'll just wear the same clothes every day hey i guess i have to go that way too all right not showering for a week is meh all right conrad from the website would you rather find the holy grail or the lost city of atlantis someone's gonna need to remind me what the lost city of atlantis represents what yeah isn't that just some like it's just a city under the water somewhere, right? It was a city, and now it's underwater. Underwater?

But the stories of Atlantis are it was a city of such technological advancement that it would be comparable or surpass us even today. That's the myth of why Atlantis is so great. But now take what we know about electronics and technology and put that underwater and then recover it. How great is their technology? But what if you find it and they were so advanced that there was some sort of bubble? So they're actually cool. They're just chilling and living under the ocean.

I mean, that'd be all right. But would I get to live forever? Because I'm pretty sure. Isn't the Holy Grail? Yeah. Yes. That'd be all right, but would I get to live forever? Because I'm pretty sure... I'm so tired. Isn't the Holy Grail, if you have that? Yes. I mean, we're playing out the mythology of both things. So yeah, you would live forever with the Holy Grail.

And doesn't it cure... Isn't it supposed to cure any... My back pain would probably clear right up. If we're in Indiana Jones rules, you pour it right on the bullet wound and it goes away. Oh, man. But it's smoky. It hurts a lot. I'll take the pain, man. I'll take the pain for a long time.

I'll take it for thousands of years because- The cup of a carpenter. I mean, in theory, you live long enough to find Atlantis at some point. If you sip that cup,'t you got like endless generations that's how it works just keep searching we're in indiana jones rules here if you've seen the night like that guy couldn't lift his sword up without falling over that's true that's true your body still breaks down you're alive but are you really alive that is indiana jones are you telling me that that guy had been drinking from the cup yes Yes. That cup didn't do

very much. It kept him alive for hundreds of years. Maybe he drank it first when he was already that old, Mike. Maybe that was a last-ditch sip. Like, I'm about to die. Oh, I found this cup. I'm already old. What's the lost

civilization of gold? Like the... The Cibolo uh i don't think it was mayans was it incans yeah i think something like that but like i thought that you know the city underwater technology doesn't excite me now there's a city of gold what if under the water is a flying bike a flying motorcycle and you can get it to work now? So I'm either choosing live forever or die tomorrow. Those are my two choices there with my flying motorcycle.

I'm taking the cup of life. I mean, what if underwater there's a shark that had technology? Don't you want that? No. No, I don't oh i'm going with the grail i mean but i think you have to go with the thought process of there are there's no there's no healing power there's no eternal life from the cup there's no tech you just you're just finding a cup no but it still has archaeological importance like this is the cup it would be a big deal yeah if in a museum you could go see the holy grail people

would go to see it the same way that if you found the city of atlantis people would be very interested in it so if you just you had to attach your name to the discovery of one sure which would you go with i would still absolutely go with the holy grail the city would be fun to explore it's a big city it's a big city a cup for an entire city jason yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna take the the meaning behind the the holy grail all right over it's fair someplace where it's like okay i found the city they're not they're not doing tours you know what i mean it's like they're not taking the city out like if you find some cool thing at the bottom of the ocean no we'll do is it really that cool yeah that's a good question finding the titanic was pretty cool yeah you've been there you've seen it no personally no i've seen it on video yeah yeah all right uh you guys want to do some Liar Liar? Oh, yes. My favorite. Yes.

This is always fun. Spit Watts, how many times have you looked at your banking information and there's a charge in there for something you went, ah, crap. I forgot that was going to come through this week. I will definitely take care of it next month. And the next month you go, ah, there it is again. Because you forget. You forget for how many subscriptions you sign up for. And that's what our friends at Truebill are taking care of.

It's a new app. It helps you identify and stop paying for subscriptions you don't need, want, or simply you just forgot about it. On average, people save up to $720 a year with Truebill. Because companies, they can make the subscriptions hard to cancel, but Truebill makes it incredibly simple. Just link your accounts and Truebill, they'll even help you cancel your unwanted subscriptions in one tap if that's what you want. And your Truebill concierge is there when you need them to cancel unwanted subscriptions. Just help them. Say, hey, Truebill, take care of this. I was a longtime user of Truebill before they became a sponsor of this podcast,

so it was just very easy. I can say I like Truebill, I use them, and now I think that you should use them too. So don't fall for subscription scams. Start canceling today at Truebill.com. Go right now, Truebill.com slash ballers. Go right now. Truebill.com slash ballers. It could save you thousands a year. Truebill.com slash ballers. Liar, liar.

Pants on fire. I am coming after you, Al Borland. You're not getting me this time, bud. I know. fire i am coming after you al borland you're not getting me this time bud i know we need one where we just smash al and put him in his place he's really dominated us over the course of this segment all right so two of these are true one is a lie yeah right and i'm gonna see right through it this shouldn't be that hard it shouldn't be that hard. It shouldn't be that hard. And yet... I'm going to lay him over my lap, give him a spank in here with this liar liar. Let's go, Al!

Alright, round one. If you stretch all the DNA coils in your body into a straight line, it would be twice the diameter of our solar system. Okay. I know it's long.

It's long. That's very long. Number two, the killer whale is a natural predator of the moose. Okay. Interesting. I buy it. I buy it. Yeah.

Yeah. Willie. Al's not smart enough to make up one that crazy. Uh-huh. And number three, according to a recent gallup poll 33 percent of americans know their mailman by name impossible yeah impossible what's tough about that is how do you like this there's a lot of rural america out there i've i look i just i can't fathom it we had a friend of ours who posted recently that they were saying goodbye to their mailman

and wait what? I don't I have no idea who brings me the mail maybe it's a robot maybe it's Andy's robot from the beginning of the show I've never known my mailman ever

I could not tell you if I have a mailman or a mailwoman no idea I mean I've never seen them Iman ever. I could not tell you if I have a mailman or a mailwoman. No idea. I mean, I've never seen them. I don't know when they come, when they deliver mail. Or a mail moose. Or a mail moose. It could be a mail moose. I don't know.

Which is a natural prey of the killer whale. That's a lot. That's like saying, look, there's three of us right here. Do any of us know our mail person by name? Talking about old Rudy. Rudy. Owl. Owly there's four of us do you know your male person by name i do oh no what no you don't that's a lie that would only be 25 percent but we all live in the same city liar i look i'm i'm casting my official vote i think the dna one is the lie that's my final answer i think the killer whale is a natural

predator and i think that 33 of americans know their mailman because there are small towns all over this country i am locked into the dna no way that's a lie that's that's that's true oh man i'm so i'm between the other two well but here's the thing about the moose. I'm trying to answer both. I think anything that goes near water where killer whales are, a killer whale is a natural predator of that animal. But are there killer whales up there where there's the moose? Oh, you're a devious one. As soon as Andy said the rural areas, I'm like, oh, man, that's right. Like all the 3%. As soon as Andy said the rural areas, I'm like, oh, man, that's right. 33%? Is Gallup doing a lot of polling in mailman inquiries?

Is that what they're doing these days? I know. I'm going to go with the Americans not knowing they're mailmen. Okay. That's the lie. I'm going to say that's the lie. 33%. I'm going DNA, Mike. Which one are you doing?

by that's the lie that's i'm gonna say that's the lie 33 mike which one are you doing oh well like dang it man so one of us has to go three and oh against our borland which means i one way that can happen no that's not true you're saying guarantee that there's only one way to guarantee yes okay sure oh but you got to go with what's right, Mike, because that's the best way to go 3-0. That was my point. The only way to go 3-0 is to get the correct answer on each. Yeah, you're not going to do it with the wrong one. I feel like he's trying to trick me with the post worker

because of what happened on Facebook. All right, I'm going whale. I'm locking it in. It's not true. I think the DNA one is going to be like the Earth, not the solar system. What do you say, Al? Which one's right? Which one's wrong?

Jason's right. Yes! Eat it, Al! Eat it! The mailman was made up, and yes, it was inspired by our friend's recent post. Oh, fantastic. Dang it. Oh, so who's going 3-0?

This guy. All right. You got a ways to go. It's all up to you, man. Yep. Yes. All right. You two bow out.

I'll take care of this owl character. Okay. Wait. No, no, no. Hold on. My goal is to beat Jason now. That's all I care about. So, owl, were you trying to influence us saying you know who delivers your mail?

A hundred percent. I have no idea who delivers your mail. Yes. Yeah. You're a liar. You're a liar. This is such a... Wow.

What a segment, well done. Now I know I can trust nothing out of his mouth during this segment. Round two. The term poetry was coined after the late Edgar Allan Poe. Prior to this, it was simply known as verse or prose. That's very plausible. Okay. Named after John Plausway.

Poetry. All right. The Amazon River is about 4,000 miles long. There is not a single bridge across it. Ooh. All right. Okay. Okay.

And then the third one, every Canadian is allowed to get a free Canadian flag from the government. However, if ordered today, current wait times exceed 100 years. The specificity of that. I know, but he's fooled us with some of that before. I know. I know. He's really clever. I've got mine.

I'm locking it in. Okay, let's hear it. The poetry thing coined after Edgar Allan Poe is is there's no way he made that up if he made that up he's the most clever liar in the world i just and so and then the specificity of the the current wait times exceeding 100 years is so goofy i'm going with the amazon river about 4 000 miles long but it but not having a bridge across it i've seen i mean fictional tales where people i've seen dora the explorer take a bridge over that amazon you've seen a cartoon version of the amazon river and that is the basis of this live action the dora dora uh dora the explorer movie that's funny because the one where i'm

saying there's no way it's possibly true it's the one about edgar allen poe there's there's just no way they didn't coin the word poetry before i was writing i'm going with jason i'm going amazon river verse and prose sure i'm going amazon river. Jason, are you locking in or are you changing? I'm locking in, but I'm worried about that. I'm worried that Jeremy is a fantastic liar. We already know who he is.

He's put way too much time into this if he's come up with these other two. It's got to be the Amazon River. I'm sticking to my guns. I'm taking them down for the first time ever. Mike, you're going with the Edgar Allen Poe one one yes all right al you're not going three and oj mike got this one right yeah uh yes we're back do you have any hot facts of the actual truth of that term or did you just a big liar altogether just a big liar altogether? Just a big liar. All right. How did you come up with that? The term poetry is way older than Edgar Allan Poe. Did you?

Okay. Is this something where you went to common myths and you found that? Is that how that I had actually heard before? Yeah. Oh, that is so clever. Poe is like the late 1800s. They've had to have had the word poetry way before then. I feel like poetry does sound like

I do feel like an idiot now. Round three. A group of sea cucumbers is called a salad. Okay. Alright. Okay. Number two. The distance between the United States and Russia is about four kilometers

or 2.5 miles. I buy that. Yeah. Sarah Palin taught me that. Number three, during hibernation, turtles breathe through their extremely vascular anus. Oh, come on. What? I want that to be the lie more than anything in the world. Extremely vascular. So that owl has made that phrase up that is so important to me so you're

telling me that that it's possible that while in deep sleep a turtle breathes through their super strong butt that vascular super vascular oh my gosh and it's it's ain't it's not just a sphincter does that make it a venus venus vascular oh man the distance between united states and russia that's out like that that's that's true unless it's like oh it's actually 25 no he doesn't do that to us though no he doesn't he doesn't do that he never takes those cheap he's a noble liar but i know that alaska comes really close so so this is really about whether a group of sea cucumbers i know my answer salad uh i am locking in the turtles i am i'm extremely extremely vascular anus because here's the problem how does that Turtles don't hibernate. Wait.

What? I feel like I should be able to lean on Mike for some of this scientific stuff. I feel moderately confident that I've heard sea cucumbers, a group is called a salad. Now, what is a sea cucumber? Is that an animal? Is that a plant? I don't know what a sea cucumber is classified as an animal is it just a cucumber in the sea because like it isn't that what coral like a type of coral i don't know but i they move around and they eat things or they they do flop around in the ocean

yeah see mike's certain about the turtles but doesn't know what a sea cucumber is which is just no i don't know how to explain what it is. It's fine. You go your own way, man, but I'm locked in. Okay. Jason, I have disrespected Owl in his ability to lie. I think I'm going to respect him for the first time in our long friendship. And I'm going to say that he came up with the extremely

vascular anus thinking that he wouldn't make that up as a lie. It's too obvious. So I am actually going with that. I am with my taking the turtles. So you two are going to split the tie, huh? No, we're useless. I just want to win. I'll just

go see cucumbers. I think that one's a lie al what's right you're on the board andy yeah i will never respect you again now i give you respect look what i get for it they not only do they hibernate mike but they've got an extremely vascular anus that's what mike was surprised about like yes no way they hibernate i think the surprising part was that they breathe through their extremely vascular anus okay well i feel like we all learned something but only got one right each oh my god did we really only get one

right each yeah al's undefeated at this game he's man i hate that guy i hate him he can't hear us right now right no he's not he's he's not on video so he's not really here he's doing laps around his block celebrating his post man who he doesn't know yeah all right let's draft the spitballers Draft. All right, where did we get this idea, Al? Did this come in from a spitwad, or was this from your lying brain? This came in from a spitwad. All right, so we had the idea to do... I love that.

Let's keep that up. Because he's a liar. He's a liar. A big liar. And a scoundrel. He's got a vascular. Anyways, we are drafting the, you can say it however you want, write it up how you want, Al. But we are each drafting four TV characters.

It is a battle royale. Oh, battle's on. But we are trying to draft a losing team we are trying to draft the weakest team of tv characters that is most assuredly going to lose and get their booties whooped in this coliseum all right let me say when you vote you're voting for the best of the worst you're voting for the yes the worst you're voting for the worst but i I was just thinking, if I were to draft all the best, I'm going to go get He-Man or something. I wonder how many votes I get at the end for people not reading. Being confused?

Yeah, they're just going to look at the Battle Royale, and I run away with the victory. Now, there are a lot of the worst. There are a lot of bad TV characters that, in some ways, I'd love to see get beat up in a Coliseum. Mm-hmm. And I got the first pick, and I'm sorry, but this guy's doing me no favors, this little one. Oh, no. I'm taking Caillou.

Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. Caillou is my number one pick because worthless. I did not realize that cartoons were allowed in this draft. Yeah, I mean, look, he doesn't even qualify as a cartoon because he's that much of a loser. He doesn't qualify as anything. Caillou is being drafted number one overall because it's like not having to pick one person to help at all.

Right. It's like picking nothing. The air. The only thing that guy does is lose. I mean, he's never done anything right in his life. So that's a strong one. Can't even grow hair. So he can join my team.

Wow. Okay. All right. This draft is not going the way i thought it was going to go all right well well jason you're on the uh no no no this goes to no i'm sorry mike's on that mike's up well i will i will try to compete here jason you all right well no i just really hate that my hatred for caillou is for someone else's glory now. So universal with the rest of the world?

Yeah. You know, I deserve to have Caillou. Would that have been your 101, Jason? Oh, 100%. 100%. Caillou was the 101. Are cartoon animals allowed? I'm trying to figure out the rules here.

It's just humans. Okay. Fictional people. Okay. to figure out the rules here. It's just humans. Okay. Fictional people.

Okay. I will take, speaking of guy who, this draft feels kind of mean. Yeah, this is going to be a real mean draft. What a bunch of losers. I'll take Brian Ketron. But just a loser where

this show currently has three seasons and two of the seasons were based off of this guy just basically being completely helpless and I will take Will from Stranger Things oh man

that kid the worst man take care of yourself seriously so Will from Stranger Things that's a good pick it was not on my list he's not going to help you in that fight? No way.

He's going to help because he's going to go sit and cry in the corner. He's immediately trapped by the other team. Well, he loves Caillou. The thing about Caillou is he'll at least be... I don't think Caillou will understand what's happening. At least he could be a distraction for your team. I think that he has the benefit of doing that, that someone's going to go after him. Meanwhile, Will

is just not going to be in the fight at all. He'll be hiding. Alright, so this is tough. Alright, I've got my two picks. I feel like I'm forced into one of these because you've both gone with a kid. And, you know... Oh know i know i was hoping so i feel

like i feel like i've got to go at least one kid to just make sure i don't have too much strength on my team um and so i i'm the only other cartoon uh animated character i had on my list i'm going to take because this guy knows how to die. And it's Kenny from South Park. At the end of everything, he's always dead. He's always dead, but then he is always back, Jason. You just took a character who can't die. I just need to lose the battle. I just need to lose the battle.

Took an immortal child. But you can't lose. He can't die. He dies so often, and he will die at the end of this fight. And then be back. Well, for the next fight, and he will die at the end of this fight. And then be back. Well, for the next fight, which he will lose. And then I will take Toby Flindersen from The Office. Toby is.

Yes, Toby's the worst. That guy's the worst. I'm with Mike Scott. Toby is. He deserves to be in this fight. He deserves to get beat up. Toby will do your taxes and lose in this fight. Oh, my gosh.

That's a good one. All right, back to Mike. Oh, I am up. Okay. I feel like there is a trend of you just, well, not a trend, but the Toby one, is he really useless or is he just you took him because you want to see him in a fight that see there is that line there where are they actually useless or are you just wanting to see someone beat up i well i i believe that toby

would have no skills in that fight at all and who wouldn't love to see him beat up he could surprise me he could i mean maybe will could surprise me too because what's the no no will's he's gotten out of every bad situation with because everyone had to save him yeah what's the anchorman character that ends up killing someone with a trident brick brick so he seemed like somebody you would have picked and then you get in a fight and he yeah and all of. Yeah, and all of a sudden, he's the savage. He's the alpha. Maybe Toby is a savage.

All right. So you've got Kenny and Toby. Mike has Will from Stranger Things. The last thing we want to do is win this fight, Mike, and you need to make another pick. I have the pick that I want to go with, but now I got to play the game of the draft because there are some people who i think have some strong name recognition here jason is but jason there's no way we're thinking of the same person as you it probably isn't but my 101 i i just looked at my list and i forgot the person

that i i would have drafted if i had the first pick i would have gone kaiju and if that was ruled illegal because of animation then it would have been this other person who was still on the board i can't believe i didn't oh my gosh i'm very excited for the draft to get back to you i have a so i have a couple characters big name value very annoying characters in their respective shows and this one i mean he's he's supposed to be annoying and this is i'm sorry nerd sorry, nerds, I'm among you, but I'm stereotyping him as this guy's fragile. I will take Screech Powers. Oh, yeah.

He's on my list. From Saved by the Bell. For sure. I thought he was going to get back to me. That was my number two. Oh, I played the game correctly. You did play the game correctly. Yes.

So Screech, no, that's a great pick. I mean, look, you are looking at these not necessarily with i mean with many of them maybe you want to see them beaten up but in but others they might say hey i'm with you and they just aren't helpful they're just not going to get the job done if he was in the fight and trying his best i think he would get seriously hurt so that's a solid that's i mean that's the hope i mean i'm hoping he's not building like robots and doing making cool weapons now i i uh i want to say this unlike kaiju i like this next draft pick a lot but he's not going to be helping my team win a battle because his name is Fred Rogers.

So I'm picking Mr. Rogers with the second pick because he is an old man and he is a passive old man. Dang it. That's a good one. He is. And no, Mike, the rumors, the old Snopesable rumors about him being in the war are false. Okay, that's what I was going to say. Which is 100% what you were looking for, I'm sure. But no, he is a very-

So he was not in the army? No, he was not. He was not. So that is a common misconception of Mr. Rogers. All right. He is just a nice man who plays the piano and would get his butt whooped in a battle royale. Unfortunately for you, that rumor exists

out there because somehow it was in the recess of my mind. There are going to be people who think that. I'll bet he was. He most certainly was, Jason. You are correct. He's a hardened vet.

He was probably a seal. His most aggressive move in his life was playing Row, Row, Row Your Boat too hard on the piano. I've seen him with his bloody hands after ripping someone's throat out. That's right. Is this my own blood? Fred Rogers, we thank you for your service to this great country. Oh, stop it. But I've also seen videos of him

straight up flipping off kids and you've seen it too you can google that it's a real thing you guys are turning on him or rather turning him into something else Mr. Rogers behind the scenes I have another pick

I don't know which one to go with though i'm so terrified of picking the wrong one um oh i really am i have other characters that i want to see beaten up and that's the honest truth i want to see him beaten up um there's no way this guy's helping me i'm taking ross geller I'm taking Ross. He was taking Ross from Friends. When I was thinking about the two, when I said there's a couple guys with real name power who were the worst on their show, it was Screech and Ross.

Mm-hmm. The worst. Ross is going to beat some of these guys up, though. Like, I totally get that you want to see him beaten up, and he was annoying, and the worst on his- He's a slap fighter at best. Oh, 1,000%. This is not a closed fist man. And with this group, he's going to be able to succeed with a lot of slaps.

He's not going to take- What's your super pick, Jay? He's not up yet. It's not to me. Oh, nice try. I know. No, you can't bait the pick. You've not to me. Oh, nice try. No, you can't bait the pick. You gotta let that happen.

Alright, I'm going very polar opposite from my pick of Will from Stranger Things. I will go from young to very old, very fragile. I will take Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm because that

man does not know how to fight and he's going down immediately. I wonder what he would do, though. He's so aggressive. He is. Oh, no, he's not. With his locals, I mean. Yes.

He will yell a lot. That might scare Caillou right away. Oh, he will scare Caillou. Caillou will run. But when it comes to any physicality, he is terrified. Okay. Well, let me ask you if he's terrified of this character who you scared me was going to go off the board look there are three great options here um and i don't know

the specifics of the show well enough to really pick the right one so i'm going with the actress i know but i'm taking rose from the golden girls because betty white out there in a fight is i mean that's you i don't think you want to do that man oh you're telling me that i put an you you just drafted larry larry david could play the game of chicken with betty white on the shoulders running around having a good time i don't know right. Betty White is still kicking, though. Yeah, Betty White is a beast. She probably doesn't. She's a lot like Kenny.

She won't die. She's the opposite of Kenny. She'll never die. Kenny is not immortal. Kenny dies every episode. It is fictitious. So you're going with, just to be clear, a Golden Girls reference here. Yes, I'm going with Golden Girls.

I mean, I could have gone Blanche, but I feel like Blanche had a real nasty streak. Just so we're aware, you were really... Did you just name another Golden Girl? Yes. Okay, we don't know any of them first. Yeah, I don't know. Second of all, you just really, really, really hoped a Golden Girl came back to you in the third round. Absolutely. Is that right?

There was part of my strategy before this draft that I thought, maybe I could just draft all three. I'm going in with the golden girls. You know, similar to maybe Mike taking all the Ninja Turtles. All right. So I have another pick here. Is that correct?

Yeah. Yes, that is correct. All right. There are some characters that remind me of Screech, but I think could put on a whoop into most of this yeah do you do not don't draft that guy yeah i feel like there's something sneaky yeah absolutely well we've already seen his alter ego yes uh be successful so i'm not going that route i think i'm gonna go old school like like andy and i'm taking gilligan gilligan from gilligan's island scrawny a buffoon never does anything right i feel like that's a little too new compared to golden girls though

right right i'm going classic here but there's a problem for you jason you we did a superpower draft and you were insistent that luck is a top notch superpower you want to know who you want who has the superpower of luck the guy that got stranded on an island is his superpower is luck he wasn't the captain he didn't steer the boat into the disaster i but he was lux into things he just lux into being on the boat that crashes. You both have strong points here. What a lucky dude. All right, back to Mike with his final pick. Mike has Will from Stranger Things, Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell,

Larry David from many places, but Curb Your Enthusiasm, and then one final pick here for the weakest team in a big old battle. Man, I'm torn here between who I think would for the weakest team in a big old battle man i got i'm torn here between who i think would be the weakest and they are just the character that you want to see punched oh i have a we'll have to go through some of our picks that don't make it because there's some punchable names in there. All right. And since we are... The old school television shows have been alive in here, so I will take someone I'm assuming...

You know what they say about assuming, but I'm pretty sure he will not be able to fight. I will take Niles Crane from Frasier. I like it. Oh, man. I like it. I thought about Frasier himself, but Niles is way worse. Oh, Frazier could definitely handle himself.

That man could handle fists. But Niles, no. Niles Crane. I saw Frazier on a couple of these lists as in like, you know, most annoying. Oh, what? Well, no, no, no. But when I saw it, I was like, oh, no, Frazier would be awesome. I didn't even think of that. And that's

a solid pick there. Alright, I've got Caillou, Mr. Rogers, Ross from Friends, and I'm going to close it out. There are so many to choose from still. People I'd like to see punched, but this man could not handle himself in a battle.

And that's Richard Hendricks from Silicon Valley. Oh, yes! That was a late addition to my list. That is a great pick. Yeah, Richard Hendricks from Silicon Valley. Oh, yes. That was a late addition to my list. That is a great pick. Yeah. Richard Hendricks would be very funny to watch get whooped. Yeah, he'll just puke. I've seen him kick through a door, though, all the way through it.

Was he puking mid-kick? No, but yeah, maybe he's got some strength that we don't know about. Well, compared to this group of characters, I think the two strongest are clearly Ross and Mr. Hendricks. Well, my goal here is to be the first team eliminated. So Ross is key to that because they're going to want to go run to my team and take care of him. But this will be a very interesting – I think you're going to win the draft with Caillou alone.

I mean, Caillou's on the list. It's possible, yeah. So I thought about – here's some other ones I thought about. Thought about going with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. I had Tommen on my list. Joffrey would be... You'd want to kill Joffrey, but he might actually have

a weapon. That was the problem. And he's thirsty for blood. Yeah, Tommen's weak. Thought about Kimmy Gibbler. She's on my list. She's absolutely on my list. I mean, new or old. Both annoying. Thought about Dawson from Dawson's Creek.

Dawson. Dawson. I was. Because of the meme. The meme. I went. I was almost taking him legitimately. And then I flipped to Niles at the last second.

Okay. All right. Urkel was the aforementioned. Yeah. I just hope he doesn't go Stefan right in the middle of the battle. urkel was the aforementioned yeah that's where that just hope it doesn't go stefan right in the middle of the battle urkel would get it done on so on my list i also i have ted from how i met your mother who's basically ross okay i haven't seen that show and then i've i just the the name power wasn't strong enough but but Kim Bauer from 24, all she was good at was getting into trouble and getting captured.

I remember that. She was the worst of the worst. A lot of times in 24 hours, she could do that. Go ahead, Jake. Was that all your list, Mike? I had Michael Scott on the list, but I didn't want to double up with the office characters. I feel like if you were in a fight, he'd be useless. Michael Scott would think he could do it, but he would actually be a massive detriment.

He would take the field first. He would immediately rush to the center as the champ and then die. So you're right in that. I've got Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec. So you're right in that. I've got Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec. You could also go with Jerry, Larry, Gary. Jerry, yeah.

Jerry. You could go Jeremy Jam as well. I thought about Jeremy Jam. But he's a killer, man. Yeah, you got to respect him. You got jammed. Al Borden brought up Doug. Oh, okay. Doug's not doing a lot for you.

He could beat up too low. Tobias. The Quail? Quail Man. Yeah, that's true. Tobias? Okay, that's true. Tobias Fuque from Arrested Development.

He can be crying in the corner. That's funny. Ned Flanders? No, Ned Flanders is ripped, man. Oh, that's right. You haven't seen enough Simpsons. I'm glad I didn't make that mistake. No, I remember that.

What was the other one you just said, Mike? Raymond. From Everybody Loves Raymond. Dude, that guy's like 6'6", isn't he? Yeah, but he's not a fighter. Yeah, but you got the range. I mean, how are some of these little guys? No, no, you're thinking of Robert.

Yeah, not his brother. Robert's the big one. Ray is just Ray Romano. Ray-bid. I feel like he's got to be 6'3 or so. We can find out. So, George Costanza was on my list. I'm not a Seinfeld.

Oh, no. He'll fight dirty. He'll fight dirty. Okay. See, I didn't know the specifics there. Carlton from Fresh Prince was on the list. Rory Gilmore. Who?

Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls? Oh, gosh. There's a funny story about the Gilmore Girls. So apparently it's a beloved show. And my wife has been convinced that she needs to go through it now. Holy crap. That show was insufferable i didn't know which way you're going on that oh man that why are they talking so fast and they're

very witty everyone is the wittiest person no one stammers over a single word there's and they don't take any time to think of their retorts it's just oh man i can't handle it mike i can't handle it it's not for me all right what did we learn today i think we all know what we learned today and it refers to a turtle yeah that's what i learned extremely vascular anus and i mean bro uh jeremy is a great liar yeah that's what i learned today is that jeremy will go undefeated owl borland will be undefeated for the for the future of of liar liar i can't i can't peg him down and and there's been so many of these next time next yeah next time i'll get i'll get them next time it's just unbelievable unbelievable. Yeah. I got to scat better, though. I learned that, too.

It's been a while. I needed a bad one. I just needed to keep my edge. Keep me, yeah. Thank you for tuning in. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.