Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Chinese Gorillas with Rifles & The Best Cartoon Animals - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

Spit Hit for July 7, 2022: What’s got Jason splitting his khakis? Find out on today’s show! We also delve into a hostile ant takeover, picking our favorite family members, and the appropriateness of winking. We wrap up the show with a draft of our favorite cartoon animals. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads, today's spit hit is a classic. I mean, when I'm reading about this thing and I'm reading about Chinese gorillas with rifles, I'm like, what is happening in this episode? I'm ripping my khakis. We're talking about the appropriateness of winking. This is a chock full episode. Enjoy. Enjoy.

joy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Mike and Jason. Yeah, I don't mind that. No, that got me hyped. I'm up for this show now, Mike. Good volume, sustained volume, sustained hype. That's episode 99 material, Mike.

Nice job. Oof. We did it. We did it, everybody. Thank you. That's 99. Yeah, good point. Both. Both 99 and finally landed a scat.

It's been a while. Yeah, yeah. You have been a little up and down. I'm a little eclectic. Jazz music is not for everybody. I can't always go pop. This week I went with pop music. It's fine.

It's good to know you're not perfect because before the scats, before these last 99 episodes, I thought you were. Would you rather let people think that? Yeah. You know, it's like you can't be just way better than your friends or they don't want to be your friends anymore. Yeah, you have to kind of take a dive every once in a while. Yeah, you know what I mean.

Thank you guys very much i really appreciate that and we're still friends welcome in at spitballers pod on twitter appreciate all the spit wads over on our patreon supporting the show get the episode early we've got some of your questions on today's episode. We have, would you rather we have, that's a great question. And a, I guess it was a contested draft idea.

Al Borland had a strange aversion to this one. I love it. Do you want to speak to that for a minute, Al? Are you in a mood in which you want to emerge onto the microphone? I don't mind being on the mic, but no, we'll let that sleeping dog lie. We'll wait till the draft starts. So we do have a draft that I think will be enjoyable today.

You can follow Mike on Twitter, Instagram, at FFHitman. Jason's at JasonFFL. I'm at Andy Holloway. And we want to welcome everybody in. If you're just joining us, welcome to episode 99 of the Spitballers Podcast. There's 98 other episodes for you to listen to. It is more exciting to discover us later because you have the backlog of pure comedic genius. Oh, man.

Archived, right? Just golden. How are you doing, Jason? I'm doing pretty well. I'm a little jacked up for this draft. I've been prepping for hours now at this point. I think it's going to be a 99th worthy show. Okay, let's get started.

worthy show okay let's get started would you rather all right justice from the website not liberty not truth but justice from the website writes in would you rather have to do a draft of your family members while they are in the room explaining each pick oh that's fun or never be able to draft again so any kind of draft ever again so this is like what fantasy football so we can't do the drafts for this show fantasy football which is our true passion we wouldn't be able to do drafts for that i guess guess. That's going to be a problem. That's going to be a big problem. What family are we talking about? Well, what if you compared drafting all your family, extended family,

or you had to draft everybody at the studio? So the employees and your co-owners, you'd go that direction? That would be easy because the problem here is children. I wanted to make the joke that I would love to have a family draft with them all present. Establish dominance. Know where they lie. The reality is you're going to get

one. You just can't draft everybody at the same time. You're going to get a kid that goes last. I actually think the kids is fine because you get to explain each pick. It says it in this question. You must explain the picks, and that one's easy. It's like, hey, kids, guess what? You came into the world in a certain order.

That's how I would go. Oldest to youngest. Deal with it. That one's easy. But what if I really want one of them, and they're not the oldest? I mean, at that point, you got to follow your heart. You want to go that direction too. I'm like, so you'd be more concerned.

I love you more route of selection. You've got to, you know, the whole we love all of our kids the same, you know. Now, what I want you guys to know is that's not actually true. I love you more and I love you the second most. What do you do about mom and dad? That's in order of who would be most offended. Is that what this draft would become?

That's the whole draft. I feel like the whole draft is just who will be... Whose feelings do I have to protect? In other words, Jason would be at the bottom of our work draft just because I know he wouldn't give a care. Yeah. That makes sense. Cool. Let's play some foosball. Yeah.

I would play foosball so that I could dominate you and pay you back. That's why you'd be my last pick. But I guess I will choose to rate my family members via draft because they'll get over it, but my livelihood won't get over not being able to draft fantasy football players. I mean, and you have siblings, so you have to deal with that. I used to have the one sister, so I don't have to worry about who I offend with that. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, but, I mean, where does she – do the parents come first, or does she come first?

No, the parents go first, right? You still have to deal with it, just because you have one – you know, I've got one sister, but is she near the top, near the bottom? Those things are going to hurt feelings. Or what if, Mike, you know, I've got one sister, but is she near the top, near the bottom? Those things are going to hurt feelings. Or what if, Mike, you were drafting on behalf of your family and you're drafting the extended family and then you've got to decide your parents or your wife's parents. Then you've got yourself a little predicament. Drafting as the proxy for your family. Our family chooses these people.

Oh, man. Brutal. That's the real. That family chooses these people. Oh, man. Brutal. That's the real. That one would be tough. You know what I would do? Would you select doing that, Mike? You got to do what you got to do. All right.

I would trade all of my picks for the one-on-one and draft whoever I think is my favorite person. And then, sorry, guys, I would have drafted you, but all my picks are gone. But you're not the favorites? No. I mean, exactly. You're not the favorite. I'd draft my wife. I'd draft my wife and say, look, you know,

till death do us part, she's got to be my one-on-one. And then everybody else, you've got to understand, because you're not my wife. All right, Luke from Twitter, would you rather drop a two-ski in a porta-potty with Charmin UltraSoft or in a nice hotel bathroom with the cheapest toilet paper money can buy this is not this is actually a very difficult question it is yes i see it being difficult for you it's not difficult for me in the slightest this is

philosophy this is this is a was this who sent this in aristotle is it is it how you start or how you finish well isn't it more about like the reason it's a tough decision for me is because if you're in a porta potty and you're dropping a two ski as al borland has written in here from i guess luke luke has written in it's not the destination it's the journey you're there a while and and porta potties smell bad there are flies in there they're hot so wait you're you're going hotel bathroom with cheap clothes look now hasn't your booty and jason's booty become so used to the bidet life that you you may you may bleed out it's true but i will say that my precious can handle one a little one-off did you just name it your precious isn't that good okay hold on let me condition this so it's harder to decide

one wipe to rule them all oh my goodness oh i love it i love it so let me let me make it harder for you or jason do you want to contribute your thoughts first there was one thought i i had as as mike mentioned what i think is the worst part of a port-a-potty it makes it a port-a-potty a port-a-potty um it's i i feel like this is the root of all of the evils of the port-a-potty is yes how hot it is stagnant and hot but i wondered to myself we're in arizona right so these i mean this is a nightmare you could die in there but like if you're in minnesota are porta potties just better are they like oh yeah let's go use the is there is there a section of the world

where porta potties are fine yes if you warm up yeah no no man not dead of winter not just like it's a nice day is better than a warm day a warm day of warming up everything in a porta potty is not good i feel like i'd much rather be freezing in a porta potty than sitting in the heat of everyone's yes mike i'm gonna make this easy uh harder for you okay you said you would You said you would happily take the bad toilet paper. But no, never mind. Never mind. We'll leave it. We'll let it be.

It's all about the heat, man, because it's like a hot turd or a cold turd. Yeah, but what if you got a real bad wipe situation? You got a half hours of wipes ahead of you. You had Chipotle last night. Yeah, I'm not talking about a little one. Look, everybody can live with the cheapest one ply for a wipe or two. But what happens if you have to commit to a nice, a solid hour of runbacks? But here's the thing about one ply is as soon as I put two of them together, they're no supply. I've brought this up before before that's such a lie because one ply is as

close to printer paper as possible texture wise so yeah you can have it it's not as soft i agree but it's still that way because it's one ply yeah exactly you're gonna get like a 90 pound cardstock that you're gonna be using once it's actually together. Hallmark makes it. I'm going to still take the hotel though. Because we live in Arizona and sitting in the heat of not my own

dookie. How short does the port-a-potty trip have to be? If I told you it's a two-minute port-a-potty. There's no such thing, my man. There's no such thing. There's a two-minute porta potty. It's no such thing, my man. There ain't no such thing. It's a 10-minute minimum. I'm already here.

This is me time. I don't want my me time in that box. It's a 10-minute minimum. Okay. So you're taking your me time regardless of the fact that you're in a porta potty. You're like, no, I'm going through my email no matter what. Exactly. When I'm in the hotel, that's an hour.

I ain't never getting to it. It's going to be dry. I was going to say, you won't need the one ply if you just let it dry out. All right, gross. All right, Misty from Patreon. Would you rather have the ability to reverse time, stop time, or skip time? Let's talk through the implications here reversing time yes roll back something roll back everything yeah that like that one stands out as the immediate that would be the

go-to because then you can fix whatever problem you just made but you're right we need to top talk through these things of stop time has applications of there's there's never enough time in the world to get all the things done that i want to do like jason talks about his me time it's like we're at home right now trying to take care of the kids like i want i want to throw on the final fantasy 7 for like 10 straight hours that's that's an impossibility i can't do that pause you pause time well what was that TV show? Out of this world. Out of this world, yes.

Where she put her fingers together and bam, everybody froze. Time stopped. You can do whatever you want. That was so cool. That show was awesome. So that's the middle question here. The pause time is out of this world. The pause time was always one of those things where it's like if you saw something

coming it's great if you don't see it coming it does you no good right you're not gonna magically pause time before you get t-boned in a in an accident or something like that you could i mean not if you didn't see it coming yes not if you're rear-ended without looking i would say if you don't see it coming reversing time also will not help you because of you're already like if you're in an accident you're already in the accident it's just it's the application of fixing a problem giving yourself more time or skipping time like traffic travel all these things you could argue that pausing time is better than reversing time from a practical standpoint minus the gambling in the sense that oh yeah you instead of having to undo things that happened you can stop things from happening you know what i mean you see something bad going on you pause time you take care of it and i was thinking about that yeah i was thinking about that with the epidemic if i could stop time i would

need to stop it for like a couple a couple researchers would need to be in there with me. Absolutely. The way that the rules work. Out of this world, all you got to do is touch someone. Oh, you can bring anybody in? Absolutely. You tag them in, and then they're in that pause time. How many researchers do I need to knock out the corona cure?

Once you get the first one, they'll let you know who they need. And then you just tap them in. Tap, tap. And it's also my understanding that you do not age while time is paused. Oh, you don't? No. So if you want to have 10 years to yourself and then get back at it. That's a really tough question.

Yeah. Then how many, if you get to extend your life, oh, that's trippy. Going forward in time. How long would you go? I would, over the course of my super long 60-year life. Do you want to live alone for 200 years? No, not alone. It doesn't have to be alone.

Oh, that's true. It doesn't. How do you interact with the world around you? You can just unpause the people you like. You're just sitting there. Go do whatever. You want to go to the beach with no one on it or at least- But are the waves moving?

No. No. You can't tag in the beach. No. That's a problem. You can't tag in the beach with no one on it or at least but are the waves moving no no you can't tag in the beach no that's a that's a problem you can't tag in the beach one of the biggest challenges here going forward in time is stupid the only thing that lets you see is what the future looks like but at that point people could skip their work day every day dead no you can people will see practicality from that you start you start your work day you end your work day it's over yeah shorten in your life that's true but like a 16 hour flight like oh i don't want to do that but lickety split it's over you know how many times i've taken a 16 hour flight in my life

how many more would you take though yeah no more two it's not the hours that gets in the way of me decided to take this vacation it's the time so if i could pause time yeah i'm gonna go pause time because if i could do this every time my kids are yelling at each other you know and just get a little break ski i mean there's a reason it's called out of this world man because as it's outstanding is out of this world i'm going out of this world her alien dad was like in a box or she could talk to him. In a little cube, yeah. It opened up. I've got to, look, we've got

a show bowl that we're in right now. Let's pause time and go watch a few episodes. Absolutely. All right. Mike, are you going with stop time too? Oh my gosh, I remember the song. Is that the song? Yeah, if you want to swing on a star or something. Swing on a star? Yes. Oh, man.

The stuff that is in the recess of our mind. I'm going to guess Al Borland has not seen this show. Oh, I used to love that show. I was going to say it was a long time ago. Of course he saw it. Wow. I'm impressed. As practical as it is, you mentioned the gambling part of reversing time.

And it all comes back to the money. Who won the Super Bowl? Let's go back and bet. Obviously, if you reverse time, you are aware of everything that happened, right? Yes. So you're not reversing your own. In my reverse time, yeah. Otherwise, you wouldn't know that you reversed time.

And then you're just stuck in a loop. We need to leave this conversation. Maybe we already reversed time. And we don't remember it now. Oh, we did. Yeah. 98 other times. David from Patreon.

Would you rather split your pants every time you bent over to pick up anything below the waist? Been there. Or would you rather loudly fart every time you do that? Split your pants or loudly fart? But how can you split your pants every time? How? You've been down four or five times. They're gone.

You don't even have pants at that point. They are disappeared. Split your pants feels like the same equivalent of a banana peel joke in a cartoon. Nobody really does this. It's always the joke on a movie jason's face says that it has definitely happened i have split your pants definitely split pants and i would i would say five times a week wait not five times a week no five times in my life this is more than twice where do they split i'm curious genuinely is here. Is it a perfect butt crack split?

Have you had a cheek split? It is usually a cheek splitter. It's real? Oh, it's totally real, my man. I thought this was a joke. When you've got Saquon thighs like I have, and you go down low, you can split the butt right out of them pants. And here's the problem.

So just to be clear, it's all about your super strong thighs 100 no nobody could split pants without the musculature that i have around my buttocks musculature um but here's here's the problem with the with uh david from patreon's question they have not split their pants and here's how i know this because when you split your pants it is pretty much as loud as a fart okay so this is either way you are telling everyone around you there's a problem over here everyone come look so you either farted or they think you farted and you have a hole in your pants yeah you always go the fart route then you got to go the fart route but see that's the that's the better situation is they think you farted when they find out that you split your pants

that's worse but you did fart they didn't think you farted you did fart no i'm saying if you split your pants and they think oh you farted but you also have a hole in your pants no when they go did you just did you just split your pants that's embarrassing so you said five times i'm curious the material split on each of those five times. Almost always khaki. Oh, that makes sense. Because I used to wear a lot of khaki shorts. You don't have the musculature to destroy denim.

No, no, not yet. I'm working on it. That's why we work out. I want to split all my material pants. I don't think it's possible to split jeans with just size. I would think if you wore that denim down a little bit, you might be able to get there. You got to make a pre-cut. You got to get it started.

We could do that. We can arrange that. All right. Any other thoughts there? Are we moving on? Moving on. are we moving on moving on that's a great question all right noelle from patreon what collection did you have as a child that would have been worth some sweet cash today had your parents not thrown it away see i think we i feel like we grew up in the 90s and that was the time when everybody was hip to collecting yes because the parents generation

had all these things that if you had hung on to them whatever it would be the star wars figurines or the baseball cards or whatever, there were the people selling that stuff on eBay in the 90s. But then everybody in the 90s just collected everything they already have. So it's like diluted the rarity. Did you have? I mean, I had Pokemon cards that I think would have been worth money that my parents got rid of.

Are Pokemon cards worth big money? The original stuff, I think, is worth some money. It's not like baseball. Like baseball cards or sports cards. I had a bunch of picasso paintings that i threw out oh that would have been a good collection to keep my parents threw them out really surprised that your parents didn't want to hold on to those are sports cards really actually worth money anything besides like i'm saying like the actual classics of the Babe Ruth era. I mean, there's a handful of ones like a Jordan or Griffey rookie that are worth money, but not a lot.

I feel like I saw a Jordan card just sell for like 12 grand or something like that. Yeah, some of that stuff's worth money. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to sell a basketball card for 12 grand, but that's not like if you had held on to that. Don't get me wrong. I'd love 12 grand.

I'm saying I'm not set for life here. Did you? What other collections did you guys have? Did you have any Beanie Babies, Jason? I did not have any Beanie Babies, unfortunately, because those did well for a while. No, for me, it probably would have been a magic the gathering card collection i had a massive massive collection i had some rare cards in there and i know they sold well did your parents throw them away parents did not throw them away i i here's my recollection

i went to college i brought my binders and my boxes of cards or whatever and college is where you really want to be there. You brought your cards to school? Well, I moved to a different city, and I brought all of my things. So, yes. Wait, but I'm saying you moved away, but did your family stay put? Yeah, I went to live. Yeah, so you brought your magic cards to school.

Well, I brought them to where I lived. You took them out of the attic to make sure you had them with you. I lived off of the school. I did not live on campus. You brought them with of the attic to make sure you had them with you. I lived off of the school. I did not live on campus. You brought them with you to school. I brought all the things I owned to where I lived. You brought your magic cards to college. I never once brought my cards to the campus.

I'm not accusing you of that yeah you did go off to like you went to live i mean you know you didn't move in permanently you were going off for school right well i never ever ever moved back home so yeah that was that was me leaving forever i never came home everything that i ever had went with me you never went home not a single time to collect something to bring to your new no he had his he had all he needed money he had the magic cards he had everything no but here's here's what happened to them i went there they went in the closet i never once from from college on ever played i still to this day have ever played a single game of magic

so it was like a high school thing i don't have a clue i remember oh that's years and years and years and years and years later i'm probably another apartment or two later thinking to myself man i i might get back into this i wonder where my cards are and i couldn't find them ever so oh that stinks did you collect stuff mike did you have stuff that you collected as a kid uh i mean i was all in on the pogs craze that was the nicest two weeks of your life you get a good one that thing could go for three bucks man yeah those had no value uh i mean my video game collection is actually still pretty strong i wish i had never sold anything like because back look kids the the theory of game stop ripping you off for all of your games that's not new that's been around for a long time

that business model has always worked back when you need a few bucks when you are a kid when you are an eight-year-old kid and you want the new game, and it's, oh, well, I could go sell the 10 that I own to get one new one. And unfortunately, I did that because I wish I had more of my classic Nintendo cartridges. That's the way it was with CDs, too. The CD trade-in. As a kid, I had, you know, yeah, we'll give you $17 for those 38 CDs. Okay, I get my new album. All right, Glenn from the website.

Ready? Here's his great question. Jason, you were going to say something. I was going to say, I'm really surprised that you didn't have a collection. You strike me as someone who, younger, would have had a really solid card collection. Talking to me? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I still have them.

I still have tons of old basketball cards and stuff like that. Have you checked their worth? I have not. I have not checked their worth. Time to. I think every time I've moved and brought them with me, I've looked at a few of them in there and gone, wow, that's worth a dollar, and then put them back in the closet. And you're looking at your best ones, right?

I'm looking at my best ones, yeah. Well, you know what the funky thing is now is if you get a good card, you don't have a good card. You got to go send it off to some place that grades it and puts it in plastic. And then if it's not graded well as like perfect corners, then you can't sell it anyway. So I used to love collecting cards as a kid, go to card auctions, but kind of grew out of it. And my kids never got into it.

There was a time i had basketball cards and i do remember looking up in the magazine the values of like the range oh yeah i remember magazine yes and you'd look at the highest in range for a card that you think you have that you probably don't i had tens of thousands of dollars worth of cards i was like i'm gonna be rich no doubt doubt. All right, Glenn from the website. There's a worldwide population, he's letting us know, of 7.5 billion humans. There are about one quadrillion ants. So if there was a global ant rebellion, he wants to know how we would do our share, do our part, because we'd each have to kill 133,333 ants there ain't no chance man i established my value to the ants to my new overlords you start taking out humans yes he just submits to them he bows darn right i do if the ants want to take over it's done man it is done there it's over

you know it was zombies it's like get to, get to high ground. Can they climb that tree? I doubt it. The ants can climb anything they want. I mean, you're going to need to go to outer space if you want to get away. Are they going to form humanoid shapes with their masses? Have you seen the ant bridges that they form? They're terrifying. They're terrifying.

So you can't kill 133,000 ants. No. No chance. Me or you? What would your best attempt be? Let's say you knew they were on fire. Fire seems like the right solution, but I don't know. I'll probably mess that up and set myself on fire.

The number one hazard of flamethrower. Can ants get through honey? I mean, if I surround myself with honey can any ants get to me at all yeah they will sacrifice themselves to build a bridge over the oh they will bridge over that honey because i was thinking i'll cover my body and honey is there a substance is there like salt that for some reason they just can't walk like a like a slug yeah like it's gonna burn there's got i mean obviously there are ant repellents right i mean we we have the technology here uh in the human race but we don't have we don't have

the worst ones man have you seen the siafu like that sounds made up oh i have not seen the siafu okay well you if you want to not sleep tonight you should go watch some of that stuff did you just google ants did you no i remember this siyafu you already is i already knew of them and because i don't watch nice i've watched several documentaries about it like these are ants in africa that will eat like they have to figure out how to live with these ants around them because like these ants will kill your baby like that that's how insane these ants are and how large and how well they work together they are terrifying they were uh if you uh well i guess

we've tried to pretend this movie doesn't exist but they were uh hollywoodized for the new indiana jones movie where like the people have end up getting eaten by ants which is i mean they they take it out of control for the movie but legit these ants are insane with the with the animals that they kill to eat yeah that doesn't seem good i mean it seems like a bad thing i somehow i spelled it in a way that was compatible to find all of them on Google. I was so happy with myself. First try. Well pronounced, Mike. But yeah, the ants would be a problem.

Have you ever had an ant infestation in your house? We had one at our old place, and it was like we're searching for things to create barriers, and we just ended up with a room of our house just covered in cinnamon. I mean, cinnamon was everywhere. I had a thing of Easter candy one year. I believe they were giant Rice Krispie marshmallow treats, and I didn't want to eat them, so I put them on the floor in my closet behind tubs so that no one would come steal my candy. Things you think of when you're a little kid and i forgot about them until i didn't and they were covered in ants the

ants found them that was for sure and that was that was a very school with you very unpleasant discovery to find thousands of ants just in your closet oh yeah we we had um when when we lived out uh at our scotta house and we had a really large yard we had some you know ants in certain corners of it you'd find mounds and then somehow some way they got into our master bathroom and one day we're like wait there's like a lot where are they trying to get the water maybe i have no idea we had an under the slab water leak and i don't know if that's where he kept his marshmallows a crack or something related things but there was a gunk his master bathroom there was a a moment in my life where um i was scared while in the shower because I am a very frightenable man and my wife loves to scare me where I this was just perfectly timed up in my life where we had ants on the floor of that bathroom where I slipped, fell, grabbed the shower curtain, took it off the wall.

It fell on me while I fell on the ants. And here I am naked, wrapped in my shower curtain, hurry, covered in ants. That happened. Oh, my goodness. That would have been the end. That's when you surrender. Yes. Establish yours to the ant overlords.

That's right. You bow down to the ants. When you're wrapped up in a shower curtain, covered in ants, butt naked. Yeah. Okay. Al, do you have any strategies? I mean, you are the handiest of men that we know. He just has an easy solution.

How would we potentially survive? He's like. Yeah, I got nothing, man. We had an infestation in our house and I about burned the house down. All right. Lennon from Twitter. What are some of the least appropriate times to wink at somebody? Oh, man.

I feel like that is when you're pulled over by the police officer. Oh, that's a good one. If you keep repeating the wink to the cop. Our producer Brooks has come in and said, anytime. Apparently, Brooks is very anti-winking. He's wink-averse. He's a wink-averse producer. I don't blame you.

I've seen a lot of winks, as we all have. And I would say the wink lands at probably a 3% rate. At the best. That was a good one. Good wink. It always lands at 100%. 97% of the time it's 97 uh romantic yeah absolutely if you're 100 if you are um very charismatic and you do something really uh charming and you give like a like a happy wink that's creepy no those can't no but not for

everybody but i'm saying those are the only ones that do land when you wink like to use it as a just kidding or like a you know follow what like do you always give the do you always throw that in there or do you just do the wink or is this like better or worse i think that makes it worse for sure i think that makes you the worst person that this earth has ever seen. Do you put the finger guns? You go finger guns? If you're going to do the sound, the finger guns have to be out. But I would say on the...

Finger guns and click. And then end it or begin it with a cat call. Oh, yeah. For sure. Just the worst person ever. Oh, yeah. For sure. Just the worst person ever. Oh, man. I feel like winks are out of style. I think they were more in style about 20 years ago.

Was there a time period where winks were in? The wink land rate wasn't 3%. It was like, you know, you could do something nice for somebody and wink at them, and you weren't the creep of all creeps. and wink at them and you weren't the creep of all creeps i'm telling you there was a time it was probably the 80s probably where um winks were they were in and they were they were i understand that they were in but i don't think they were ever good you ever do the double wink that's called the blink or like alternate but no that's creepy if you do the double wink. I feel like there needs to be a deep historical dive of winking. Because who invented the wink? Who called it the wink?

We need to get that time travel to go stop the wink from ever being invented. So bad. Wait, who was the first person? I just searched for who invented the wink, and it says a person, Frederick Spencer Chapman. No, you can't credit someone. No, listen, listen. When Frederick Spencer Chapman was training Chinese guerrillas in Malaya to shoot rifles, he found that a large proportion of them were unable to close only one eye at a time.

Hold on, you skipped over. Oh, okay. I don Hold on. You skipped over. Oh. Okay. I don't understand. I definitely heard. Hopefully I'm not saying something horribly inappropriate here. Here's what I heard. Not like as in like gorilla fighters. I heard gorilla animals.

Like this guy was trying to teach gorillas how to shoot a rifle. I 100% thought that this was a gorilla. Until you said that, that mike i still was not on the same schedule never could train a gorilla to wink or shoot a rifle that that makes far more sense i didn't know there were chinese gorillas either this is like a dr evil's father inventing the question mark. It's not. No one gets credit. What's great is the wink is this thing.

We all know what it is, but reading its definition is very funny to me. A wink is a facial expression made by briefly closing one eye. It's an informal mode of nonverbal communication using,

usually signaling shared hidden knowledge or intent. That is generally when you... That's when you use the wink. That's the solid wink usage is like, you take something off of somebody's plate when they don't see it, then you wink at somebody else at the table to say, hey, we both know what's going on. Also in definition of winking, never appropriate.

To answer the question, I'm going to say on on the stand that's where i don't want to wink there is a double wink when you're under oath yeah when i'm under oath i do not want to have a case of the winks where were you on the night of may 2nd you know 1997 i was at home with my mother i was at home with my mother wink anytime you're around your mother-in-law oh no no winks okay well that's that's new I didn't know that

gorillas couldn't wink I can't get the image out of my head now gorilla trying to wink it can't use the sight because it has no problem firing the gun. It just can't aim very well.

There's your title to the episode. Chinese gorillas with rifles. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting the favorite our favorite cartoon animals all right it was uh a pivot we were going to draft uh movie animals but then we couldn't think of very many that were from well we could 1920 and beyond al borlandland had a full list. We had a hotly contested is this fictional animals?

Is this real animals that are live action? I shouldn't have brought this up. I really am sorry. You definitely should have brought this up. He was taking it so personally. If you're listening and you're upset we're not doing live action animals here,

then Owl is your man. I am terrified. he wanted it bad i'm terrified that we're gonna miss i'm gonna miss something big here because i feel like there are a lot i know there's so many so we're draft mike has the first pick we're drafting favorite cartoon animals so these are fictional cartoon animals yeah no real cartoons allowed jay be sure to avoid any real cartoons i feel like you started to realize that before i said anything we're totally unnecessary um but mike you have the first pick i think this is interesting it is where you're gonna go and now what's tough about this is my first pick, which is my clear one on one, because it's

an animal. Good. Is this like a group pick, or do I just have to pick one and then just trust that you guys don't get to pick another one? I know what you're going to say. You're an absolute jerk. We'll figure it out. Go ahead.

Okay. Well, it's the Ninja Turtles. Dang it. Dang it. You thought it wasn't getting past me? I didn't think you'd think of them as animals i don't know them i didn't remember them at all no i know but you don't that you don't think like back of of i know they're they're i didn't think of the ninja turtles oh i was talking to my wife you are gonna miss some i was i know i was talking to my wife beforehand and she's like

you're gonna need my help on this and i'm like okay so the first first thing out of her mouth she goes well mike's gonna get the ninja turtles and i was like no i think he'll miss a smart lady because you know i didn't think it is the best pick too it is 100 the best thing the draft is over l was right we shouldn't have done cartoon. That is a world class pick. I've got a list of a ton of other stuff here that's all stupid by comparison to the Ninja Turtles. I've got stuff I love.

You do have to pick one Ninja Turtle. Do I have to pick one? Now that I know we're going to lose to you, yeah. Yeah, 100%. Alright, well then I will take Michelangelo. Dang it, he got the right one. That is the best. I know who the popular one is. Dang it. He got the right one. Dang it. That is the best.

I know who the popular one is. I was going to say, your favorite's Raphael. Take your favorite, man. No, drafting to win today. Oh, shoot, man. All right. So, Jason, you're up. Lucky.

My picks suck now. Dude, I was going to come in hot at number two with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and make fools of all of you, and I was super excited oh dang all right um i'm gonna go oh these suck by comparison all right you know what i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna pivot here from my own thoughts uh because i didn't i didn't write this guy down until super late. Isn't it still your own thought, though, if you wrote it down? Pivot from my original thoughts. Is that better for you? Yeah, sure.

From where I assumed I was going to go. Because this is just, I need a powerhouse that competes on a classic scale if I don't have the pop culture scale. So I'm going Mickey Mouse. You know what I mean? I'm taking the King of Disney. He is a. So I'm going Mickey Mouse. You know what I mean? I'm taking the King of Disney. He is a mouse. I'm taking Mickey Mouse. I'm going to go that route and get the timeless classic, the icon.

This is unbelievable. What a tilt pick. I've never made in my life. He was like last on my list. He is on my list just because of the powerhouse that his name carries. But when you break it down, I just drafted Disney. Dude, Mickey Mouse sucks me. He's the worst.

He does nothing. His cartoons are bad. He's a freaking steamboat Willie. Come on. Fantasia is the worst. You're ripping your own pick. It's a terrible pick. It's awful.

You just wanted to show up well on the draft i got ninja turtled you got ninja turtle now i didn't have my wife turtles on my list so i don't feel like i'm on tilt i just don't like anything on my list compared i guess i have two don't i yeah yep you back to back stupid man and the one that i thought about taking is we'll get insulted so bad thing we didn't do the battle royale here ninja turtles minkey mouse um he's got magic right you know what the problem is is mike picked something that is simultaneously one of these and is cool and not many of these are cool right as well so mike is going to end up in great shape i'm going to then draft one that i want him not to have which is goofy i'm

going to that's all dirt that's a that's a dirty that's a dirty little one kick into the crotch man oh i know my next low blow i know my That's a low blow. I know my next pick. I'm going to take your number one out of spite. I know my next pick after you pick, Andy. It's not on my list, but I'm writing it down here just because I think it's a Mike Wright spite pick. Oh, let's tear him down. What is happening? Yeah, let's go get him.

All right, so I've got a second pick here, and I'm going to go with Snoopy. All right. I'm going to follow Goofy with Snoopy. The odds were very high that you would end go with Snoopy. I'm going to follow Goofy with Snoopy. The biggest odds were very high that you would end up with Snoopy. Just me, that I would end up with Snoopy? Yes, because I'm a Snoopy kind of guy. I'm not taking Snoopy. It's just an old classic.

Snoopy is way better than Mickey Mouse. I like old classics. Snoopy is not better than Mickey Mouse. Snoopy cartoons are so much better than Mickey Mouse cartoons. Snoopy cartoons are every bit as dumb as Mickey Mouse cartoons. The voice. It's terrible. All right.

I have one that I'll be really disappointed that you don't take, if you don't take it, Jason. Yeah, this is solely a Mike Wright spite pick. I'm writing it down. I'm taking Darkwing Duck. You are the worst. Yeah, baby. Oh, get body. Yeah. Give me that that he's a duck i totally thought i would walk out my first two picks of the turtles and darkwing duck thank you and i would have

andy planted that seed in my head oh my goodness destroy mike yeah okay destroy mike there are so many cartoon animals by the way this is so so yeah there are so pick your own i'm tempted to go five rounds but um we're gonna need to go like 10 rounds to kind of weaken the maybe we'll get lost in the list we should have taken uh the other ninja turtles quickly after we talked him into one. That would have been so much better. Dang it. All right, Mike, you're back on the clock and you got two picks that aren't Darkwing Duck and Goofy.

Dang it, man. This is just... Yeah, now you're experiencing what I was experiencing. Darkwing Duck was locked in. I figured I could get Goofy with my last pick because he's not everyone's favorite. He's my first. He's my favorite to andy

all right good luck mini mouse is available by the way all right i i know my first pick it's it's a it's a newer like this is not an actual classic cartoon but i'm going i think his name is it's funny i think the name uh is poe but kung fu panda will be my my pick uh the kung fu panda movies are fantastic jack black is outrageously funny in those and now i don't have darkwing duck gosh dang it man you have really you guys have really shamed the idea of drafting a classic character which no there's plenty of really good like i have there are so many good ones look i took darkwing but you can have donald nobody wants donald duck the only thing donald duck is good for is now the verb of donald ducking when you have a shirt and no pants on that That's literally the best thing Donald Duck has brought

into this world. Alright. And then I will... Oh my gosh. I love this. This is bringing me great joy. This is where he drafts Raphael. He goes all

for Ninja Turtle. Yeah, exactly. I will take i will take my favorite classic warner brothers character i will take wiley coyote okay oh that was an andy pick i love it i'm not the only one tilt picking now oh this is great that's not a tilt pick he's very high up on my list those are the the coyote and roadrunrunner, that was the only Warner Brothers cartoons I actually liked. Shouldn't you have taken the Roadrunner? I thought about going. No, because the Roadrunner doesn't do anything.

Other than he win. Oh, yeah, he win, but he runs in. Meanwhile, Wile E. Coyote, he's the star. Well, now I'm not going to be able to take Roadrunner after you bodied him. No, Roadrunner's way better than the Coyote. You want a winner or a loser? All right.

So it's to me? Yep. So as you think, Jason, Mike, you have... What do you have right now? I have Michelangelo, Kung Fu Panda, and Wile E. Coyote. All right. coyote all right i am going to take my favorite uh of this list just one that i loved i always always loved this character uh it's it's pretty docile and uh but no no no no i i love abu i love monkeys monkeys are my favorite yeah and aladdin is probably my favorite classic Disney cartoon.

And Abu. There's great Iago and Blanket on the Tiger. Raja? Raja. Those are great, but Abu is the clear best animal in that movie. So I'll take Abu. It's a good pick. Okay.

It's a good pick. So you have Mickey Mouse and Abu, just to be clear? Mickey Mouse and Abu and Darkwing Duck. And? Mickey Mouse and a boo and Darkwing Duck. And Darkwing Duck. He does have Darkwing. That's a powerful pick. So do I have... I'm back on the clock?

Yep. Your final two picks. My final two picks. Okay. Well, I'm going to go probably the most opposite directions that you could go from two characters. I'm going to take Brian Griffin. Dude, you got to be freaking kidding me. You thought it was going to sneak back to you? opposite directions that you could go from two characters i'm gonna take brian griffin dude you gotta be freaking kidding me you thought it was gonna sneak back to you i don't even know who that is that is my that was my last that was my closing pick family guy that was my closing

pick no it's not you do not no come on oh gosh that's the name of the dog yeah yeah yeah so i'm gonna take brian griffin, good for you, Andy. But don't worry, Mike. I will go ahead and ruin my draft because I am choosing from a place of actually adoring this character growing up. And I think it's iconic and I'll get bodied completely. But I'm going to take Winnie the Pooh to close it out. Oh, no.

Pooh's great. Whimsical, fantastical. Winnie the Pooh. If I could live in that world where all he worries about is eating honey, that'd be all right. Winnie the Pooh is low-key hilarious. The new Pooh movies, he's really, really understated and very, very funny to me. He probably wouldn't hang out with Brian Griffin. I would put the emphasis on low-key.

Really low-key funny. Super, super low low-key i almost took eeyore winnie the pooh is not because i fell down the stairs jason moore funny over i mean okay i know it's great the one of those blue universe in the charlie brown universe they are as anti-jason moore as it oh my gosh i love both of those universes so much yeah yeah those are we we're living in they make you smile they make you just feel like a kid they make me sleep that's what they make me do yeah i put me put me to night night um and that's the thing is like when i was a kid those as opposed to mickey mouse which really got you going that was a tilt pick okay the heart pumping that was a honestly when your tilt pick that you take for

votes comes back to bite you instantaneously I hate night I where you basically hate yourself at the end of it that pick and honestly now that we're now that we're past the Ninja Turtles there's a lot of picks that I actually would prefer. There's two that I would like here. There's one that is you that I'm surprised you haven't taken. We're not doing live action. Free Willy unavailable. Oh, man.

No, that's not it. Honestly, Winnie the Pooh's pretty close, man. He's not wearing pants. He's eating a lot of sweets, gaining some LBs. I feel like shirt never quite fits. Yeah. There's a certain animal that likes lasagna that I thought you might. Oh, he sucks.

He sucks. My son, Isaac, my youngest. I don't know where he found it. Is it the new one? Oh, it's so bad. Yeah. He likes the new one. He comes in and searches for Garfield specifically and loves watching. Is it the new one? Oh, it's so bad. Yeah. The new one is rough, man. He likes the new one.

He comes in and searches for Garfield specifically and loves watching Garfield. My daughter loves it, too. It's a new series. She loves Odie, too. All right. There's a couple here that I really like. So the one that I expected to draft, I think I've drafted him before. Maybe it was a Battle Royale draft. So I feel like I'm gonna

let this one go. I'm gonna go... Does Pikachu count? No. No? It's not an animal. Yeah. I thought about that one earlier, but I was like, yeah, that doesn't count because it's not an animal. Alright. Okay. That's fair. It's not

really an animal. I mean, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle is no longer an animal. If you start to open up to like mystical creatures and monsters and stuff like that then that's just a whole nother world yeah all right jason for uh for the next time there's a heated debate i would have allowed it just want to let you know that okay yeah just a little uh little bread come uh all right andy shut it down There's nothing I can do. Sure. No, that was a pretty solid shutdown. Okay. I'm going to then take the character that I think I've drafted before, but this is awesome. I get a dragon.

I love the How to Train Your Dragon movies. I'm taking toothless. Didn't we just... It's not an animal. A dragon is an animal. No, it's not. It's a mystical creature. You just pivoted from one mystical creature to another.

I would like to take Bigfoot, please. There are approximately 200 actual cartoon animals to choose from, and you've chosen two that aren't. I'll take WALL-E. I'm going to take WALL-E, the robot. Seriously? You won't let me have a dragon as an animal? Al can weigh in.

I would allow it to me a dragon falls into that fictional cartoon animal did anyone draft nessie and also i think you were going for mythical creature not mystical creature whatever yeah boom all the same all right thanks are you going yogi bear owl you can go yogi that's not right up your alley bullwinkle oh hey take it easy rocky bullwinkle's good show i am going to take stitch no i'm just kidding that's another that's an alien all right give me uh give me dory because with dory i get baby dory i get all right a funny character a well-known character and and I love the Nemo movies. Isn't it always hard to choose from the main character to the more interesting character on any of these?

You brought up Wile E. Coyote to Roadrunner, and those are Roadrunner cartoons. Or you can go like Winnie the Pooh, or some people might go Tigger. Tigger would have been mine for sure. Or Dory or Nemo. Contrarian Mike has no problem with that whatsoever. No, you love it in fact you probably can't take a main character yeah i don't like me taking michelangelo it's a little bit painful i imagined yeah you're more of a raf you are raf you are you are 100 rafael okay so i have the last pick to close it out uh still tilted over over brian from family just take a regular human uh i'll allow it so it's fine

don't even bother take anything you want i'll take wreck it ralph oh wait does that mean i can take like sonic i wondered about he's a hedgehog you can take sonic 100 yeah but i'm not going to take Sonic the Hedgehog. He's on my list. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh. Sonic's on my list for sure. I am going to take... Cartoon Hedgehog. Yeah.

No, you are correct. I will take... No one. No, no, no. It's... You'll understand all the ones he really really wanted to come back to him nice uh no i'm i'm going to take baloo uh i will take baloo the bear a fantastic character uh and the reason why i'm hemming and hawing is because i mean it's this is a straight up poll move but the character that i wanted to take just he has no name value whatsoever even though he's not a vote getter man i mean baloo is a name that's

recognizable but i don't i don't think this is one of the people no that's what but people know who baloo is and no i've like i want baloo he's great he's on my list but he's not as funny as steve from like if i say the name steve jason do you know who i'm talking about i say steve yeah you are talking about michael keaton from multiplicity which was a fantastic character uh no steve from cloudy with a chance of meatballs oh great movie yeah i don't know who it is yeah see that's what i mean but you did have you seen the meatballs i don't know yeah i have oh andy but steve the monkey and all he can say is steve oh yeah duh uh steve i'm a big fan of the mayor that's my comp right now um as i'm trying to be a big deal and on the lbs from from cloudy with meatballs yeah

all right here's some all right so who are our finalists here? And then I want to get into some names we didn't get to unless we want to go another round. All right, Mike has Michelangelo, Kung Fu Panda, Wile E. Coyote, and Baloo. Jason has Mickey Mouse, Darkwing Duck, Abu, and Dory. Andy has Goofy, Snoopy, Brian Griffin, and Winnie the Pooh. I'm also okay if we want to just swap this to be a cartoon animal battle royale,

because my team will win that as well. The Kung Fu Panda and the Ninja Turtle? I will get smashed. I will get smashed. Snoopy and Winnie the Pooh would be dead on arrival. I better have the magic version of Mickey. Here's some names. Yeah, give me some names that i was close

to taking donkey from i had that oh he's great yeah uh roger rabbit sven panther sven uh from the frozen series yeah uh that's not bad here's one of my absolute favorites all time but i i don't know how popular this movie was no mickey mouse but but heimlich from a bug's life the the catapillar yeah he's he's uh he's great and i and because of my background today i almost went santa's little helper get them simpsons votes oh nice nice uh the remainders of my list, I had Pinky and the Brain, although choosing which one of that duo. That's very tough. Doug from Up, the dog.

Oh, yeah. Scooby-Doo, but he's fine. Yeah, where are you? Thank you. And I do have Simba here on my list, but... Oh, gosh. How was Simba? None of my... I talked about thatba here on my list. Oh, gosh. How was Simba? I talked about that.

Yeah. Do you want to take Simba, Pumba, Simone? Scar. Did you say Simone? I did say Simone. That's right. Raven Simone. She is a bird, apparently.

Yeah. All right. You guys covered most of them, unless you were going to go real classics like you said donald or bugs or uh could have gone dumbo yeah no i was never honestly too big road runner tasmanian devil that would have been good i do like him i did i did like him when i was young all right what did we learn today i i learned that there are multiple meanings of the word gorillas. Multiple meanings of the word gorillas. I learned that I am defenseless against ants.

There is no chance that I would be able to live if they wanted to kill me. live if they wanted to kill me and i i learned recently that jason's not quite sure what an animal is a real animal is versus a made-up mythical animal i realize dragons aren't real but it's still an animal in the movie it's pet they're they're pets they're domesticated animals domesticated a lot a lot a lot of dragons are domesticated in that movie they are domesticated animals domesticated a lot of a lot of dragons are domesticated in that movie they are domesticated dragons they're riding them around on on they got they got a saddle eventually once they earn their actual affection and loyalty yeah and they're not subservient that was the big lesson we learned about dragons in those movies very important you can support the show at spitballerspod.com become a spitwad

thanks for joining us today episode 100 coming up oh man stay tuned it's gonna be fantastic thank you for supporting the show everybody goodbye up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.