Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Choke Murder & Professions For Your Kids - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

Spit Hit for August 10th, 2023: On today’s show, we discuss sunglasses vs hats, jungle survival for dummies, and losing an MMA fight. We also illuminate the differences between some commonly confused words. Lastly, we draft professions we’d love for our kids to grow up to be. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skippity-scoot-scoot and a-boot-boot, hey! Oh, right! Yes, that was fantastic! That's good news.

I was not paying attention at all, and that got me jacked up. I don't think Andy liked it as much. I thought it was good. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, I didn't think Andy liked it as much. I thought it was good. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, I didn't like it as much as your reaction. That threw me off the most. Look, there are people that...

But you like a good poop-poop. I didn't even know the word. They threw the podcast on, and then they're doing whatever they're doing. They're driving, they're doing the dishes, and they already zoned out. And that just got them. It sucked them right in. Bring them right back. With a scoot, scoot, and a poop, poop.

Is that what you said? I think so. Welcome into the Bitballers Podcast, episode 195. Closing in on the Epic Show 200. Oh, I can't wait. It's going to be unbelievable work done by the producers. Yeah, I can't wait to find out what's happening. I mean, I just know that the anticipation, 200 is a big number.

They say it's the biggest. It's the biggest that we'll know. At that point, you're right. Would you rather, what's the difference and a draft on today's show? So we have been called experts by no one. I have called us experts. But Jason does mention that we're experts. And so we have carved out the what's the difference questions into a segment of their own because illumination is a part of the rainbow of our talents.

So let it shine bright, all the colors of our wisdom. Hide it under a bushel? No. No. I'm malicious. Wow, gospel. Add Spitballerspot on Twitter. Thank you for subscribing, which is now called following on Apple Podcasts,

following on Spotify, wherever you're listening. Tell your friends about the show, and we'll love you more. All right, let's move on. Would you rather? Let's move on to Brody from the website who writes in with this spectacular question maybe. Would you rather never be able to wear sunglasses again or never be able to wear any kind of hat or visor again hmm this one is not difficult for me so i'll let you two debate it this one is not difficult for me so i will let mike debate it uh i will say that this one is not difficult for me as well sunglasses and even though i wear a hat basically every day uh the answer in arizona is the sunglasses it feels like you can't go outside without them no it feels like an affront

to your like it's it's an actual problem like you can't you can't do it the squinting it's it's like you're blind i went through somehow my entire 20s my entire 20s in arizona where i never wore sunglasses and everyone else had sunglasses and i was psychopath oh i i look back and i think how did i survive this is why i wear glasses now this is why my eyes are so bad because they were scorched by the sun no you have to pick sunglasses here one of these is uh a fashion piece that is unnecessary and one of these is a life giving life saving medical device um that can also be a fashion accessory. And yet, none of my children wear sunglasses regularly. I can't get them to do it. Your kids don't either.

Kids don't really wear sunglasses. That's what I say. We become less resilient over time to the powers of the burning ball of the sun, more sensitive. No, my son can't keep his eyes open outside. We cannot take a photograph in the outdoors and it doesn't matter where we are we could be in san diego overcast day he cannot open his eyes for pictures and so we have begged pleaded tried purchased sunglasses for this young man that won't help your picture problem he will not yeah he looks

great in sunglasses well if you take a picture with the sunglasses on yeah well i would but he will not wear sunglasses nothing better than the whole family in sunglasses in a picture um no i don't know they don't need them they don't need them as kids but um i i had a period of my life as well jason where i wore glasses like i i finally gave into my terrible eyes i wore glasses so i couldn't wear sunglasses because i didn't i you didn't have the clip-ons i never on glasses no i didn't have the clip-on i had the clip-ons and i didn't pony up for the prescription sunglasses and it was it was a few other things, but it was one of the factors that eventually led to,

like, I'm eating it. I will sit down. I will get the LASIK. I will suffer through whatever operation, and I will take the risk for whatever they are going to do to my eyes because when I am driving, I will be able to put on sunglasses without a problem. What they've never done is the LASIK

that builds in the sunglasses. They've never done that part before where you have the, you know, they got the transition lenses. You don't have the transition LASIK. And that's what, I mean, it's a risk. I would feel pretty bad walking into a room and the transition doesn't happen quick enough.

Let me ask you this. Would you rather, for your eyes, have an operation done where it kind of basically puts in the sunglasses and then it becomes extremely difficult to see at night or get the shine job like

in Pitch Black or Chronicles of Riddick where you have super night vision but then you are really, really sensitive to light, so you always have to have some type of sunglasses on. It's been a long time since that movie's been referenced. I like it. Is that pitch black?

Yes. Is that Vin Diesel? Yes. Oh, it's really good. You've got to be able to see in the day. I think that's more important. But you can see in the day with... If it's dark.

I think that's more important. But you can see in the day with... If it's dark. I'm saying I would choose the ability to have it worse at night and better in the day. I would see in the dark. My LASIK procedure made it more difficult for me to see at night. Yeah. That just came with it.

That's a normal thing. Just came with it. But we all want our sunglasses. So Jesse from Patreon writes in, you're about to lose your first professional mma fight same as uh participating in my same in my first professional mma fight right yes would you rather be choked out or knocked out oh either situation you're going nighty night you're not tapping out you're ending with a knockout this one's easy oh this is a great question. I've never really... It's the punch, right?

No. No? No. You take the choke out. You don't mind knowing it's on the way? It's very, very fast. It is? I don't know if you've ever had someone like... No, I've never been choked out.

Well, not a choke out, but someone put an actual guillotine on where you go, oh, and your vision starts tunneling in and going out very quickly. And you go out, you'd wake up, you know, like a few seconds later. If you get knocked out, that's a blow to the head that is going to hurt now for how long? Weeks? If you take a shot in the jaw, your teeth are going to hurt forever. Yeah, you're going to have a bruise, a welt, some kind of issue on your head. And one of these is a brain injury restarting your body

versus a lack of oxygen. One of them is just a light switch. For all we know, it's good for us. You know what I mean? The computer's not working. Step one, restart it. Just turn it off, turn it on. That's a restart?

Just choke. It's like a power nap. Just choke them out real quick. I know you guys are more advanced in your MMA knowledge. But listen, can't you fake it? Can't you fake like you went to sleep? To lose the fight? I guess you would be done because they would end the fight.

Yeah, you would be done. But what about in a street fight where someone's choking you out? I've always thought like- There's really no rules in a street fight, so they don't have to stop. No, but listen- If you tap out, they can still- There's always the movies where people are being strangled. Right.

And the strangling seems to take a long time. Yeah. So it seems like at some point during the just before you're really strangled part- Act like they've won. Act like they've won. Because they're not going to strangle a dead person. No, they are. For longer? No, you don't know.

Yeah, you are because you've got to make sure. What if you're in a hurry for the jewels? You're trying to get the jewels. You've got to make sure. I mean, what's making sure? I have genuinely wondered that question as well. Yeah, fake it out. An extra 30.

Seconds? Yeah. Dude, if I am choking someone out and they go to sleep and then I choke their lifeless body for another 30 seconds. Yes, that's murder. But I thought that's what we were talking about. We are talking about murder. Of course we are, Mike.

Okay, look. This is the Spitballers podcast. This is the Spitballers. If you're doing the murdering, you're going to leave nothing to doubt. But what if you've never really murdered before? And it's your first time. This is your first choke murder. You could be real bad at murdering.

Well, look, if it's my first time murdering, I might mess it up. I mean, I think we'd all say that. Yeah, you can mess up a murder. How embarrassing. If they wake up and you're like, ooh, sorry. I have to believe it's happened a lot the they didn't yeah because there's been gunshot murders that people mess up yeah i'm not talking about like a fake oh they faked and then right you let go and then like i'm talking like you choke someone out you rep scallion you know

what i mean like i think mma taught us that when you choke someone out to unconsciousness, they're actually fine unless you continue to choke them. Prior to that, there had to have been a lot of bad guys trying to choke murder, and they choke murder someone, and then all of a sudden- They're just passed out. They pass out, and they think they've killed them. So they let go, and that person stays totally passed out for another, I don't know, five seconds.

They turn their back. They're walking away. And then frying pan to the back of the head. Yeah. You've seen this movie. Now, I mean, this does lend itself to the next conversation, which is, look, if I was ever in one of those old school wars where they've got the actual, the guns with the, uh, I thought I would go pretty fake dead early on in that fight.

Oh, you just want to lay in the bodies. I just want to lay in the, and I know they, some of them come through and clean up with the bayonets, but maybe my team won. Oh, good point. I mean, I'm going down early, Mike. I don't even know how the tide has turned. Oh, you're like, you're committing to being there for a while? I'm probably going with a first on the charge.

I'm probably retying the shoe while the charge continues. That's a really good move. Oh, it's untied. You don't want to charge with laces out. No. It's a hazard to the rest of your group. Second of all, I'm probably saying, oh, I forgot my gun. And then I'm going back for that.

Drop it a couple times. Oh, I swear I'd, oh, I forgot my gun. And then I'm going back for that. You drop it a couple times. Oh, I swear I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached. I'll be right back. Third, I'm diving into the body. Kind of like a Louganus. You're waiting. Right into the body. You're waiting for the first person that you see fall dead.

Yes, and I'm climbing under them. Just jump right next to them, slowly squeak your way up. Oh, no, we're hit. I'm rubbing some of their blood on my body for sure hanging your tongue out for a fact i'm totally dead but then it would be really really scary when they do the walkthrough and they're trying to make sure because you know you got to be convincing yeah yeah you're gonna need to you're gonna need to have one eye open and track this war real low though you know that's gonna be the driest eye of all time it's worth it yeah it is worth it because this is kind of life and death how long how long if life and death how long could

you hold your eyes open without blinking as long as it takes my man i don't know that's not true that's like what like oh you're starting he's starting let's see that's like asking when you're hanging on to the edge of a cliff and it's life or death, you're like, oh, I could hang infinity because I'm going to fall. And that's not true. Eventually, do we have a timer going? He's at about 22 seconds. He's becoming less comfortable.

He has not blinked yet. Someone might be in at me soon. Are they tearing up? Hopefully. Was that a blinked yet. Someone might be in at me soon. Are they tearing up? Hopefully. Was that a blink? I don't know. He might have wanted to. I think he might have.

Things are getting real uncomfortable. See, here's the thing, though. They're twitching now. The thing is, your eyes are moving a lot. It's not just sitting wide open. Oh, there it is. All right, I'm out. The Bayonet Man is not being fooled by that performance.

I mean, if that Bayonet Man comes in and then I flinch, oh, that's embarrassing. Don't do it! I mean, that's what I would say. Yeah. All right, moving on. You've been laying there the whole time? Yes! I'm a spy from your side.

Oh, yeah, you do try to sneak on the winner. You watch the battle with your eyes kind of half closed, and whoever's winning, you try to sneak into that close. You just need the hat. You switch hats. Oh, it's just the hat? Yeah, they've got the little army hat, and you just put the other army on. Now we know how to war.

Yeah. All right. And choke murder. And choke murder. Franklin from Twitter, would you rather have to survive a month in the jungle or six months in a maximum security prison?

Our listeners love prison questions. Well, it's just fascinating. Everybody kind of wants to go. Yeah. See what it's all about. Look, the maximum, there's almost nothing I fear more than that idea. Like trying to- Six months in jail?

Well, I mean, no, just a maximum security prison, like going to prison. I don't care if it's six months, jail well i mean no just a maximum security prison like going to prison i don't care if it's six months six days six hours like the idea of what would happen to me in prison is too fearful i would be so afraid of every who do i make friends with who am i how am i supposed to figure this out could i have have to join a racist gang or something to be protected? Could I scare you more by saying you can do this or you can go spend a month in the jungle? No, six months. No, no, it's a month.

It won't happen to me. It's one month jungle. One month, okay. Yeah, leopard attack not happening. The leopard would be a problem. I agree. Poison poisonous snakes everywhere i wouldn't know what to eat because most stuff out in the jungle probably kills you if you eat it too

i wouldn't be able to eat because i could catch nothing you couldn't eat like a fruit oh i don't forage i'm kind of into meat my foraging is below me i am not a gatherer i am a hunter you would literally just starve to death because you refused the foraging? Right next to a strawberry bush. Just like, oh, someone save me. Not just strawberries in the jungle. We both go to the top. I know.

We both. We're like, yes. We're visualizing it. What jungle? Jungle berries. I genuinely think I would die in the jungle. Yeah. I think you might die in the old prison, too.

Oh, I promise. Oh, you got the tattoos. Well, no. Here's the thing. I think that you could make it through six months in prison. A month in the jungle, I would give myself sub 5%. Water and strawberries, I can get through it. I genuinely think that...

Yeah, but that water's going to have piranhas and dysentery in it. The same transformation that happened to Robin Williams in Jumanji when he went from a child to an adult crazy man would happen in that one month for me in the jungle. I would age 30 years if I survived. Jason, you've been gone for three days. Are there any similar to the war story strategies? Are there any hot tips for prison that I could, like, you know, do you read a pamphlet? Like, if you're going to prison, do you start reading pamphlets?

I mean, are there books? There's got to be a book. There has to be a book. What, jail for dummies? Yeah. No, prison for dummies. A prison for? Yeah. No, prison for dummies. A prison for dummies. Surviving prison for dummies.

Jail I'm not worried about. Jail I think I can get through. Okay. But prisons really where the rubber meets the road. I mean, do you just get yourself thrown into solitary? Hopefully. No, you don't want that, man. I mean, you probably go insane in there.

You don't want that. probably go insane in there you don't want that solitary isolation is a nightmare that no one should ever experience um but you do keep to yourself i'm gonna be but someone's gonna try to befriend you oh they're gonna try to do everything um and and i am going to i mean i think you just have to try to keep your head down, do what you're ordered to do, take your lumps when you've got it, and survive. I agree with you, but it's more nuanced. Do you have to fight back? Because sometimes you've got to fight back to earn respect, not just take a beating. There are so many books on surviving prison.

Survivor's Guide to Prison. very survivor's guide to prison survivor's guide to prison federal prison guidebook i mean i'd be reading them all i absolutely the second that i'm arrested i'm like i'm my amazon cart is full of prison books is it possible that when you're approached by like a prison gang you can just say no no no i'm no, no, I'm off limits. There's literally a survive a prison sentence for dummies. The dummies book. Are you joking? I am not joking.

The dummies people put out a... Surviving in prison for dummies from the dummies people. It isn't the yellow book? It's the yellow surviving in prison for dummies. It's a real book? Yes. Now, that does imply in the name that not surviving is one of the outcomes. Well, yeah.

Yeah. Well, yeah. That's a given. We know that one. I mean, prison is prison. You're not. You're just. Oh, my gosh.

Sorry. There's a two-star. There's one single review. Oh, for dummies? Two stars. It says, not much help. Very short. Bad grammar.

Left me wishing I had more. I think this must have come from someone who was on the inside. Oh, no. Oh, that's funny. I think I'm taking the jungle. Final answer. Because the jungle means that I can try to walk out of the jungle. The prison, I do not get to escape.

The jungle, I will have 30 days of dying, but on my way out. And that will matter it's like you know surviving a escape from prison i'd rather do that than just be in prison yeah i will survive six months in prison i'll come out a different person as well sure but um i i will never i i'm with you mike sub five percent that i survive a month in the jungle or a month anywhere unless it was like locked that I survive a month in the jungle. Or a month anywhere. Unless it was locked in a grocery store. Get out the jungle.

You're not getting out that jungle, man. Dang it. Do you know how big the jungle is? Well, maybe they dropped me on the edge. Yeah. I'm right by the highway. Jungle on the left, highway on the right. Mike clearly has a big fear of the jungle.

I have watched plenty of documentaries about the jungle. That is a weird statement. I like to learn. But there's a lot of jungle documentaries. Oh, dude, watch stuff about it. How to Survive the Jungle? No, it's basically saying that you go into the Amazon, and everything, everything in there is trying to kill you.

I mean, I'm looking at- Don't touch the frogs. Everything. The eight worst ways to die in the jungle, and they're not good. None of them. What do we got? Is a ball constrictor one of them? A Bushmaster snake is number eight.

You got the human bot fly, that sounds- Oh, they put the eggs in your skin? A vampire fish? What is that all in your skin? A vampire fish? What is that all about? There's a vampire fish? Yeah. The Amazon basin. The nine crocodile.

You want to die via crocodile? No. I can avoid the crocodile. Me. You ever seen a croc run? They have long fingernails. You can hear them coming. Piranha, eel eel and the number the

number one is that crocodile again is the bengal tiger so the tiger is the worst way to go i would think the tiger would be a real bad way to go i agree but i think it'd at least be faster than the bot fly i think the the regular tiger is probably the worst thing to be killed by on earth really probably they're gonna bite you in the neck and it's gonna be done quick i don't think Your tiger is probably the worst thing to be killed by on earth. Really? Probably. They're going to bite you in the neck and it's going to be done quick. I don't think it's going to be as quick as you hope. Oh, well, of course it won't be as quick as I hope.

Yes. When a tiger is attacking me, I hope it's instant. Make it quick. Well, there you go. Do we have another one or are we moving on? Let's move on. Today's episode is brought to you by our friends at Helix Sleep. Now introducing Helix's newest, most high-end collection, Helix Elite. Helix has harnessed years of extensive mattress expertise to bring their customers a

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what's the difference between me and you just keeps going um what's the difference brian from the website what's the difference between rich wealthy and loaded oh these are out of order yeah they are loaded is uh i i actually put that very much on the body it's like what do you have in your pockets? Yeah, it's that. Oftentimes also used for very inebriated. Okay. I was going to go with it. But this is the money.

This is money. So I was going cheese, bacon. No, no, no. There's a lot of loaded. Gun has ammunition in it. I mean, just the difference between, what's the difference between loaded, loaded, and loaded? Rich, wealthy, and loaded monetarily.

So to me, it's like you got to have two rolls of cash that are being brandished. Like a loaded, if you're on you. Could you have them? That guy's loaded because you see him tip somebody too well. Could you have him, you could have it in a see him tip somebody too well. Could you have him? You could have it in a money clip, though. It doesn't have to be rolled.

No, it could be in a money clip. Visible. Yeah. When you're pulling your hands out of your pockets, you either have money in them or you've got a Rolex on. That's what I was going to ask. And that makes you loaded. Are you loaded with enough jewelry?

Maybe you're only card, but you're just wearing ice. You got the rings on. You got the Rolex. That's loads of quarters yeah sure but but i think it's almost you know it's like if a gun is loaded you pull it out of your holster when you pull your arms out you got money in them and you've got a rolex on you got money in your arms in your arms okay and then you've got rich and Now, rich people have money, but they wish they were wealthy. Wealthy is a whole nother level. Wealthy is lineages.

Yeah. Yeah, we can agree with that. A wealthy person's parents have money and their parents have money. And their grandkids will have money. If you win the lottery, you're rich. You're not wealthy. 100%. Right.

No, wealthy means- Until you pass it down. Yes. When you win the lottery, you're passing nothing down. Oh, wealthy means... Until you pass it down. Yes. When you win the lottery, you're passing nothing down. What about the money? No, you will have none left. It will be gone. When you win your money via lottery, you spend it instantly.

You end up on a lifetime special. Did I ever tell you I had my dad work directly? Did you just have a leg injury? Maybe, maybe not. I'll tell you, I had my dad work directly. Did you just have a leg injury? Maybe, maybe not. No one knows because I won't say. Because I'm sitting, so it shouldn't be.

My dad once worked directly, like his office building, all growing up as an engineer, was directly next to a woman that won $106 million in the 90s. She won the actual lottery. And didn't go crazy? she did not crazy she did not stay there oh she was gone because of the 106 million i'll bet she's homeless now uh maybe that's just my guess because she was rich not wealthy right okay alec from patreon what's the difference between being famous mike being a celebrity jason and being a celebrity Jason and being a superstar Andy dang it I said my name too quick I didn't read the rest of the sentence famous that just means what's the order of what you want

no but here's I think there's certain qualifications like famous is you are known for something. Not just because you're not known because other people know who you are. Wait, so Paris Hilton's not famous? She's a celebrity. Okay. Yeah. All right. She's a celebrity.

But if you did something to earn the fame? And it could be music, acting. You could be a famous doctor? Famous doctor, absolutely. Being a celebrity doctor, like, that's what it's okay. Dr. Oz? Would you rather go be a famous doctor? Famous doctor, absolutely. Being a celebrity doctor, like, that's what I'm saying. Dr. Oz. Would you rather go see a famous doctor or a celebrity doctor? A famous doctor.

100%. You do not want a celebrity doctor. They're probably, first of all, not a doctor. And second, they've given up, what is that thing they... The Hippocratic Oath? Yes, the Hippocratic Oath. That's long gone for a celebrity doctor yeah and it but would you see a superstar doctor oh uh well that I don't know

that there can be a superstar doctor because that's about uh international waters a superstar a superstar is someone that is known in on the others on the other side those are international superstars no no a superstar is known globally. Really? Yes, absolutely. But a famous person can be just nationally? Yeah, that's just domestic. If you are a superstar, you can't go to Europe if you're living here and get away from your fame.

What is your local mayor? Is your local mayor any of these? No. No. So they're not a celebrity, they're not famous, and they're not a superstar. They are nothing. How high up that political ladder till you reach one of these steps? Some senators.

If you're a senator, are you famous? Some of them. Some of them are. Oh, so they might not be. Yeah. Like the boring ones. There's definitely senators that- That say normal things.

They make a name for themselves. Put it this way. Name 10 senators. Yeah. You can get about. Name 10 senators. Yeah. You can get about two, maybe three, four. Most of the ones I used to know are gone now. So, no, famous. So, yeah, that's the best way.

Can you name them? Can the average person name them? Yeah, and what did they do to become famous? How many superstars do we have left? Oh, that's a great question. I think a lot in sports or a few in sports. LeBron James is a superstar. Okay, yeah, he is international.

So if you're recognized, what are you? Are you any of these? I think yes. If you're recognized by- You could be any of the three. Well, I'm just saying, let's say we're out and about. Yeah, we need to figure out where we are on this. Let's say you're out and about and you, we need to figure out where we are on this. Let's say you're out and about, and you're at the local Disneyland,

you know, the local one, and some people walk up and they say, wow, that's Mike Wright of the Fantasy Footballers. Famous. Famous? Famous. Famous for what you've done. There are definitely levels. You're not a celebrity.

There are levels of fame. Okay. And, like, you can, How low does the alphabetical list? You're like, oh, it's a B list. I think you can get down to D. We are definitely D level celebrities. Okay. Fame or celebrity?

Fame. No, that's a celebrity. That's a celebrity? You don't say D level famous. You say a D level celebrity. So we can't become superstars. We could. Well...

Do you have to go on a TV show? Yes. Television is part of it. It's part of it? Yep. Michael Jackson was a superstar. Oh, for sure. For sure.

There's not many superstars. Britney Spears a celebrity? No. A famous person or a superstar? Britney Spears was a superstar. Yeah, now she's just a celebrity. She might. But she was famous because of being an entertainer.

So is Jordan still a superstar? Yeah. He is? Or was he a superstar and now he's just a famous celebrity? I retract his superstar status. You do? He's not an active superstar. He's a retired superstar.

Yeah. You think if Michael Jordan goes to China that he can just walk about? No. Because he's too famous. No. But he's too famous. No. Because he's a superstar. But he's not a superstar. Yeah.

I'm with Mike. I don't think superstars. I think you can lose superstar status. Oh, you can definitely lose it. I think there's plenty of places in the United States that Jordan could walk around and not get bothered. In the United States? Yeah.

Impossible. Unlike me. I mean, he's really tall, so people will notice him. He's known. You're the meme guy. You're the meme guy. You're the crying guy. So I guess he's just famous because he's known for doing that.

Alright, well we've solved it. George wants to know the difference between a porch, a deck, and a patio. Well, a porch is on the front of the house 100% of the time. Yeah, it is. Otherwise they call it a wraparound porch. By default, the porch is in the front.

Porch is in the front. The patio is in the back. A deck can be either, but it has to be elevated. Deck definitely has to be up. This was the easiest one we've ever done. You can have a deck in the backyard. Yeah, but it has to be elevated. But then can a porch be a deck at the same time?

Yes. Yes. If it's an elevated porch. Yes. And because it's a deck then. But if it's an elevated porch, then it is a deck. To me, a patio has to be covered. No.

Because that's a covered patio. There's a name for that. What's the difference between a patio and a deck? A patio is on the ground, my man. Okay, and a deck's in the air. Yeah. Yeah, that's 100% right. So decks cannot touch the ground.

That's illegal. Well, they have to be. At some point, something touches the ground. Yeah, I mean. But the deck, what you're walking on has to be at least, what, a foot? Yeah. I'll go with a foot, yeah. Six inches?

No. No, we'll go with a foot. That's ridiculous. Okay. That's an elevated patio. Al, do you have any problems with these descriptions here? No. No, you's ridiculous. That's an elevated patio. Al, do you have any problems with these descriptions here? No. No, you're good.

Argy wants to know, what's the difference between a declaration, a proclamation, and an announcement? Okay, okay. A declaration, a proclamation, and an announcement. This is interesting. Well, an announcement is never written, right? That's a big part of this. You're saying something in an announcement. You are announcing to the world X, Y, or Z.

The morning announcements. Exactly. The morning announcements. This is verbal. This is entirely verbally given. So is the proclamation. A proclamation is always verbally. But it's read from a scroll.

You read a proclamation? Yeah, a proclamation is written on a scroll first. So it's an announcement with a script. Yes, usually a sanscript and then a declaration now that can be written clearly yes but nobody reads those like the declaration of independence it's like a museum thing you look at it you honor it but you don't really it's like really boring but none of these are really meant to be replied to if i'm right like you don't reply to a declaration, a proclamation, or an announcement. You just have to listen to it.

They're letting you know what's up. There's only one of these things that Nicolas Cage wants to steal. Right. It's not an announcement. It's not a proclamation. It's the declaration. Because only one of these can have a map full of treasure. Because only one of these can have a map full of treasure.

I mean, how would you distinguish when you need one of these is a question. Let's say you have, Jason, you have something to say. I'm going to put you in some scenarios. I will bring them up. Okay. And then you say which of these you would choose for. There's a fire coming. Yeah.

It's on its way? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to make an announcement about that. It's an announcement? For sure. I got to let the people know, i'm gonna use my voice okay you have uh just got a brand new job oh fantastic is that an announcement as well that is an announcement i want to let people know that it's an announcement but what if you post it on social media well then i'm proclaiming it now what if you just filed bankruptcy? Then you have to declare it.

Okay. I declare bankruptcy. And yes, social media posts are proclamations. Oh, I was going to ask you what a proclamation was. Yeah, there you go. Now, you don't have to start it with I proclaim or I declare or I announce. No, it's understood. It's understood.

Well, we clearly understand it. No questions asked. All understood. It's understood. Well, we clearly understand it. No questions asked. All right, draft time. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting professions we want for our children. So professions that we want our children to grow up and become. so professions that we want our children to grow up and become i wasn't sure how this draft would proceed till i began to write some ideas down for myself interesting and realized how self-seeking we may become due to these selections here because i couldn't help but think of the utility

of my children growing up to be able to do various things. I wanted them. Mine is a notary. I wanted them to grow up and become a notary because when you want something notarized, I don't want to go to the bank. That's right. That's why I'm teaching them. When I was building my list, I mean, I started with.

Is it their joy or your joy? I started with their joy. And I know the dreams of my three children, what they're hoping to be when they grow up. And they're good selections. And then it also started to become a little bit of a thought experiment for me of like, okay, in 15, 20 years, what does the world look like? And what jobs are actually like forward thinking? It's hard to think 20 years into the future.

Like a cyborg repairman. Right. It could be a thing. Yeah. You don't want to be a manual laborer because robots are going to do that. Exactly. Right. But gas engine expert.

All right, Mike, you get the first pick. So what? Let's see if you took a layup here. Oh, I absolutely did. Speaking of layups, I will go with the dreams for my middle child, and I will take a professional athlete. Okay. That was number one on my list, too.

And it was because of both the joy for the child, but also the pathway to just going to games for free, cheering on your kid. Joy for me. If you're very successful as a professional athlete, you're talking substantial money. Which is more joy for you. Yeah, it's a win, win, win. Yeah, see, I'm sad that that was so broad. It went well done.

That was a great pick. I had NFL backup quarterback on my list. A little more narrow. A little bit more narrow. I get it. But it's included in yours. I don't want him taking the hits, but I want him getting quarterback money. Right.

And everyone loves the backup quarterback. He's so much better than the starter. But as the parent, you're not going to watch him. You're not going to watch him play. That's great. I don't have to go to the games. But they'll still feel like you've got to go to the games. All right.

Well, okay. Then I'm going to go the same route to start. The route that Mike has opened up, knowing my children, their passions. I am going to go with a successful actor or actress. Okay. My kids are joining the theater. I know that that's their dream right now. So if we're dreaming

big professional athletes, we're going famous actress, actor, and the like. So you get the red carpet with them maybe? Oh yeah, they're taking me to the Oscars for sure. I'll see that slap up close.

And so you get to go to the premieres. You get to go to all of the events. You get to watch them in movies. I get to tell people that of the events. You get to watch them in movies. I get to tell people, I made that. Do you think it's hard for parents to see their kids in roles that are unbecoming?

Oh, yeah. There's definitely movies you do not watch. That your children act in? Yeah, I promise that has happened many times. So I get two picks now, right? Yes. Jason, what promise that has happened many times. So I get two picks now, right? Yeah. Yes. All right.

Jason, what was that face? That was me realizing that there are some roles that you would not watch under any circumstance. And we move on. I will go with the first one, which is like kind of the highest ambition of a lot of children. Also, great utility as i become older doctor becoming a doctor it's it's something that is a great accomplishment due to the amount of education time and investment and doing it um you're helping people so i think that there is a intrinsic outcome for the it's a lot of work and a lot of hours but the intrinsic outcome of like you are

helping people like that is your job you will have some amount of status like having satisfaction in the job is kind of a big deal yes agreed also i would like to call you instead of paying a copay so as an elderly person i will i will lean on my children to heal me one of my great friends uh from high school still one of my great friends his wife is like an incredible doctor ladies and gentlemen if you don't have a friend who is a doctor that you could just find one that you can call oh just like the e the the weight lifted off my shoulder knowing that like she's cool I can just call her and be like, hey. She doesn't mind? No. Have you ever worried about that? At the beginning.

At the beginning, but now I don't. She likes it. Yeah, she's just like, oh yeah, it's very practical. Very matter of the fact. Here's your answer. And it's no problem. And I'm like, this is fantastic. It's wonderful. I have a nurse. So I'm like, not quite to your level's wonderful. I have a nurse. So I'm like, you know, not quite to your level,

but we have a nurse in the family. It's just a delight to be able. Anything goes wrong, well, let's ask her. Let's just get on the phone. All right, and my second pick, I think it's, I mean, I think it's outside the bounds of Mike's pick, so I think it's okay. But it's something I didn't think of for a while, but I'm going to go with it, which is an Olympian.

Yeah, okay. Is that okay? Yeah, I'll take that. Because they are not professionals. Well, that was supposed to be the rule, right? The amateur. Yeah. But you are representing your country.

Right. You've got these big events every four years. It's kind of like being a professional athlete. They can make good money. they can represent the country so i thought that that would be a very interesting one and it goes with like my daughter she loves gymnastics there aren't a bunch of there's not the professional gymnastics league that people watch on tv so if she wants to go pro that's as close to pro as you get do you like do you go from that to like cirque du Soleil or something?

Probably. Because the stuff they're doing in those shows, you need to have been a very excellent gymnast at some point. Yeah, it's like the figure skaters that go on to Disney on Ice. They move on to performing in tours around the country. That's got to be a cush job. Disney on Ice? That's not bad.

That's not a bad gig. I would imagine there's a lot of work involved in that. Really? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of work. But in the way that a traveling theater company would have a lot of work. But you're already super good at it. Oh, it's easy for you.

It's easy work for you because you're so good at skating. And then you get to skate up to the children and see their faces light up. They don't make you do quadruple lutz's on Disney on ice. You can drop down to doubles, triples. You don't have to compete the same level. But I thought Olympian would be fun. Although, I'll be honest, even though it's my pick, some of those athletes have a lot of pressure on them.

But from certain countries and certain ages, it's tough to do. Yeah, I would just say, you know, most of the time, broadly, generally speaking, the children who are Olympians have real mean fathers. So Andy's cracking the whip over here to make sure his his boys and girl gets in the Olympics. Nice. Still. Wait, I'm done. Doctor and doctor, doctor and Olympian. wait are you still done doctor and olympian doctor doctor and olympian all right good picks um this one was the first thing i was i was sitting down and i was thinking what do i act like okay we got you know actress professional actress athlete but what like what is my actual hope what is my jason moore what is my hope for my children what do I want to see them grow up and become? And so this is really broad in general.

By all means, disallow it if it's too broad. We will. I know. But an entrepreneur. I want them to be a business. No, that's fine. Yeah, I think it's fine. A business creator. Like, I want them to own their own thing.

Right. And everybody listening out there, own your own thing. I mean, there's great jobs. Amazing jobs. Yeah, sure. But I'm just saying like. It's also tough. It's tough too.

It's not easy. That's why, I mean, it's not easy to be a doctor or a professional athlete. Not easy to be an entrepreneur. But I just think there's so much more reward, not just financially, but like in you're creating a business for you not for someone else and i think that's amazing okay yeah it was on my list entrepreneur for sure totally good pick mike you're back two picks oh man he's out no i'm definitely not out it's just this is now a much tougher are you trying to decide whether to put one of your children in a Chick-fil-A for the discount? And

my pleasure. I have a job that I have participated in and it's like, I don't know if I want... A musician? I don't know if I want my kids to have to live that life because it can be pretty tough.

So we're going gonna start with uh whatever it because it's what i would want i want my kids to be a musician i want one of them to play music and then i get to just enjoy that critique it i actually feel like i can help like if if my kid becomes a doctor it's like hey, hey, dad, how do I do this? Let me call my doctor friend. I don't know what you're talking about. But if it's music, I can actually help them get better.

That's a good reason. I can critique and all those things. A little bit of a lineage, right? A path down. You have people, your kids can sing and stuff. Yeah, they could do it if they want. They haven't chosen to do it yet. All right, i have two follow-up questions here based on your picks

number one professional athlete your hope is that they are which genre which sport which genre first yes and musician they play what oh uh ideally there it is uh piano or guitar piano was said first okay now you're still up all right and so with my next pick um i will i'm i'm trying to this is a real forward thinking one maybe I got two in the weeds with it but my daughter loves science and I don't want to just say scientist it's too generalized

but like in 20 years as we move towards the future things are just getting smaller a micro scientist no a quantum physicist oh they're super smart i what do they do i have no idea you will not be helping with the quantum physicists have no idea what they do i know they deal with really tiny things i would imagine i was trying to think of like, is that somehow related to nanotechnology?

I have no idea. But I like the words. It sounds good. It's future-y. If you're telling me that you're like, oh, my kid will- Quantum physicist. What'd they grow up? Quantum physicist.

Yeah. Whoever you tell that to is going, holy freaking crap. Are you kidding me? I mean, that's part of it. A quantum physicist a lot of parents they'd love to be able to have that conversation with the friends and say brag what do your kids

do and if you can say quantum physicist and a professional athlete yeah as opposed to some other things musician yeah musician is a problem because no one thinks you're successful. Right.

There's not one person that hears, oh, okay. All right, so when's he giving that up? There's a very wide range of outcomes for that job. All right, Jason, you've got famous actor, actress, and then an entrepreneur, and you are back on the clock. So this one came to me late, but there's a couple of reasons I like this. And so I'm'm gonna pick this i've got one child in mind who loves loves loves to travel wants to travel always talks about growing up and traveling the world and i watched a tiktok video the other day i had no

idea how much money pilots make oh really yeah it was like it was like if you do it for 10 years you're like average annual salary is like four hundred thousand dollars i was like what what exactly what so no this was like a delta pilot or something i mean i'm sure it's true i don't believe it was a tick it was on tiktok but i think that that would be great i'm sure i get to fly for free i think they would love it it's a really neat job and if it's paying well i think i think that would be great i don't think i'd be afraid of my child being an airline pilot no you know the risks and stuff like that i don't think that that's really salary.com jason on my quick googling is saying 100 to 180 well maybe as your starting salary, sure.

That was part of the videos. You start around there. But after about 10 years, you should be much more tired. And if you end up like Sully, I mean, you're famous. You're a celebrity. He's famous. Yeah, he's famous. He's not a celebrity. So an airline pilot.

Yes. Okay. Fighter jet pilot. All right. Yeah, a little top gun. All right. I've got a doctor and an Olympian, and I've got my last two picks. And I'm shooting from the hip here.

I've got two picks that I think, I'm just trying to think about the life that my children will have and freedom. So when you said entrepreneur, to me there's a level of freedom inside of that. Now it's the freedom to fail. It's the freedom to be stressed out for having everything on your back. But I'm going to go with something more like the musician choice, which is going to be

equally difficult, but also potentially freeing an artist. Yeah. Okay. It's on my list. Because an artist, if you succeed succeed at that and i think we're presuming success at all of these yeah sure some level enough to pay your bills you're doing something you enjoy doing you're an artist you're you could be a painter whatever the case may be but you are doing something that you really like i love that pic i i went uh i was at a place

recently where it was like an art gallery and it had just hundreds of different... People smelling farts? Yeah, kind of. Hundreds of different artists work up, but they had this TV that was playing all the stories of these artists. And they were saying like, oh, this is how I started. A documentary crew comes and a little five minute clip on all these people. And so there's on all these people. And so there's tons of these people that in their own circles, they must be famous. Right. They're in mansions with their artwork all around.

Like they're doing all right. So if you succeed as an artist, I had no idea that you could be like, you know, if very successful, not just like the world's most famous artist. But, yeah, you can you can do very well as an artist. And that's such a freeing. I got more curious in that world too, again, thanks to like a reel or something like that. And all of a sudden you watch two artist reels and you're seeing five artist reels and 15. And all of a sudden I'm buying canvases. The algo got you. And I'm trying to be an artist.

But it seems like a fun thing to succeed at and then the last one it's not easy and I think depending on depending on what one they choose it would be difficult on the parents but I do think that they're um I think a public servant of some sort. So fire, police, maybe it's a paramedic, somebody in those categories. You took them off, right? I took them off. No way. Because you're afraid for those.

I love every fireman that exists. I would be so sad. Police officers, love police officers. If my children grew up, I would be so afraid for them. I know. That would be very, very difficult. That is not an easy job. It's not a job with a lot of thanks all the time. But it is a job that I think when they walk in their door at home at the end of the day,

they would have a sense of that I did something to contribute to the good of society, which is a nice feeling, I think. It's like what we get with this show. We are public servants. When we put our get with this show yeah we put we are public servants when we put our head on the pillow we know we made a difference that's right yeah we're um actually changing bad things into good things in this world and and yeah i think that's good i would be proud of my children if they were a firefighter police officer that's it i would just be so worried for them at all yeah i think Yeah, I think each of those jobs has their own fears that come with it.

So if they fail at Dr. Olympian, famous artist, then they can go become one of those and scare their parents. All right, my fourth and final pick. This one is one that I just, I was talking to my kids. I was like, this is what I literally told them. I want you to know this skill. I want you to grow up into this we have read ads that are truthful because we actually know how valuable this industry is marketing no no no programming i will i mean a software engineer of some kind if you're good at software engineer and and a programmer the world of the internet or of

electronics open up and i could use their skills so much i mean that's the thing is like not only could you go and get a well-paying job for all these different companies they're always looking for good high-level programmers but you can also make stuff for yourself like cool like you know we've got some programmers here they've got side hobby projects that they do for a week that's just like oh yeah I just wanted to build this unbelievably cool thing because I can program

you know a computer to do things it's really cool so I would love for my kids to be a programmer it's a great pick it's the future of building no want quantum programmer is actually i was gonna choose but that's the super small programmer yeah uh mike you've got a final pick for this draft you have professional athlete musician and quantum physicist all right for my final pick i want the musician and the quantum physicist to back

together at thanksgiving and just staring at each other uh well i'll tell you about a combo in a second but the my final pick here look in 20 years we're probably going to mars man and if your kid oh no is one of the first people on mars i mean we all know who neil armstrong is right yeah first people on Mars. I mean, we all know who Neil Armstrong is, right? Yeah. First man on the moon. First person on Mars. So is this astronaut?

Yeah, well, I'm taking astronaut, baby. See, that one puts the fear of God into me. That would be terrifying, especially if it was a trip to Mars where you're talking, what is that? It takes a couple years to get there or something. I don't even know. But I mean, that's I know that that my dream, I think it's a pretty common little boy dream. I want to be an astronaut, but my kids have talked about being an astronaut as well.

And I think we're moving. You know, the future is will involve space and you'll need astronauts up there. That sounds like a pretty cool job. What if they became like musicians on Mars? The future will involve space, and you'll need astronauts up there. That sounds like a pretty cool job. What if they became musicians on Mars? Is that another option? Well, look, you need art on Mars. Astro rock. So Owl is saying, according to NASA, one-way trip to Mars is nine months.

So no, that's nothing. The issue is the one-way part because you don't know that they're going to be able to come back and create fuel on Mars yet. I wonder if they could just send me to Mars when I'm just past a certain age. Or maybe when you're gone. Just the one-way. Just like I'm 80. Like if I get to 80,

send me on a one-way and I'll live there the rest of my days and then be buried in Mars. Do you want to live there the rest of your days or do you just want to have them just launch the rocket? I'll live there the rest of my days and then be buried in Mars. Do you want to live there the rest of your days, or do you just want to have them just launch the rocket? Oh, keep going? Just launch the rocket right into Mars. So technically, you're the first person there, but also you die on impact.

First person to die on Mars? I would like that, yes. I just want my casket sent there. I'll die here, have a funeral, and then be like, but now. Oh, that could be a new thing. Yeah. You fire the caskets onto the dark side of Mars. Yeah.

And there's just caskets sticking out of the ground. All right. We're going to wrap this one up. But first... What did we learn today? I learned a lot. I learned that there are a large quantity of prison books that I can learn from should that situation arise.

Yeah, which you'll want to. I learned that before MMA, choke murders probably did not finish the job all the time. And I have learned that people are underrating how dangerous the jungle is. I think that's possible. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. And there's not like a jungle suit you can wear to protect yourself. No, there is not.

The threats come from all sides. All right, that'll do it for today's Spitballers. Tell your friends about the show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.