Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Cookies In My Socks and The Best Slogans - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

Spit Hit for February 24, 2022: This episode is ‘BOOM’ing with funny moments!! Come along as we tell the tale of our new friend Big Gordo! Jason also shares his favorite popcorn seasoning. And why is Mike contemplating eating fine dining with his foot in his soup? We bring this episode to a close by drafting the best slogans! There are so many, let us know what we missed! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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That's right. This episode is booming. Oh, yeah. And this is Big Gordo. And Big Gordo's on this one. And Mike, he contemplates eating fine dining with his foot in the soup. You don't want to miss today's episode. What did I do?

Yeah, you did, Mike. You did. I'll have to go back. You're going to have to listen. Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Okay. All right.

Is that Mr. Flintstone over there? Is he yabba dabba doing? We started Precisely where I was aiming to start Landing point was like landing on the moon I was kind of surprised at the volume You came in real loud Honestly, when you don't know what you're doing

Just do it loud. Just do it with confidence. Exactly. It's just like... I meant to do that. When you're walking into a place that you know you're not supposed to be and other people know that you're not supposed to be there, if you do it with confidence... Oh, this is exactly

where you're supposed to be. You'll get right in there. You could do that with... You know how every store has like the back stock and the back rooms that are for employees only if you walked back in those areas and you acted like you knew what you were doing back there yeah no one's gonna stop oh what are you doing back here you're because the customer doesn't go back there haven't you seen the videos of the people with the the spy cams and they're going to like they're going to high profile parties like super bowl parties and they're just like if you pretend you're supposed to be there no one

questions it i've seen videos of uh like like security videos where people go to walmart they walk in they're just customer and they go grab like the pallet and the forklift and they just lift up a pallet and they walk it right out the building. Like straight up just like, I'm supposed to do this, and they steal a pallet. We were talking about two very different things. I'm talking about just an experience where you know you're not supposed to be there, but you want to be like an A-lister for a moment.

You're talking about theft. I see the difference now. I see that like I'm saying i saw a man walk into a bank with a weapon and he left with a bunch of money so much confidence he was like i'm getting that money the most confidence robber i've ever seen that's because confidence it spans all gamuts the good the bad the evil apparently you do it with confidence it's gonna work better than if you don't. This is my palate now. And you yabba-dabba-did that scat with a lot of confidence. Look, I've done better, but I've done worse.

Look, not everyone's going to be owl, okay? You having to have the scat this week following the owl scat, as it's known, is not fair to you. Scat game. Trailing his scat. But you know who else it's not fair to? It's not fair to the listeners. America. It's not fair to the spit wads to be denied Al's scat.

Look, as much fun as it is to troll somebody that is in our employ. Our producer. With the idea that he may have to do it all the time. As fun as that is, I mean, it's just not fun. I mean, it's not unique. It's not special if he has to do it all the time as fun as that is i mean it's just not fun i mean it's not unique it's not special if he has to do it every time i completely agree i would say every other oh god maybe next week but what if he did it every time and it was even better than the last time every time he did it i would require new lyrics he would require medication for mental health that's what would happen would you rather on the show today jason explains makes its Every time he did it. I would require new lyrics. He would require medication for mental health.

That's what would happen. Would you rather on the show today, Jason Explains makes its return. Oh, no. If we can do Jason Explains on all the days he doesn't have the scat, that will make sure he doesn't enjoy the show. We are drafting another fantasy draft on the show today. It's going to be a lot of fun. We've got Situation Room as well.

At SpitballersPod on Twitter, spitballerspod.com is the website. Find out how you can support the show. We're on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. You can find us over there. And we appreciate all the support on Apple Podcasts when you subscribe, review the show. It helps us out a lot. The whole archive is wide open now.

You can get every episode we've ever done right there on apple podcast you just walk in and you claim the palette just it's yours load the palette of shows up 80 plus shows as of this recording and uh enjoy yourself so let's get into Would you rather? All right, Sam from the website. Hey, Sam. Sam says, would you rather smell with your tongue like a snake does or taste with your feet like a fly does? Apparently flies taste with their feet. Oh, of course they do.

does apparently flies taste with their feet oh of course they do and will um goodness i don't even know what this means and will reflexively extend their mouth parts their mouth parts if they land on anything edible is that scientific i think that's inappropriate their mouth if i told if i was talking to my wife shut your mouth parts this guy get me in trouble snakes don't have noses like we do they have nostrils to breathe with but snakes smell with their tongues uh when the tongue goes back into the mouth the forks touch a special sensory organ called the jacobuson's organ i'm going to the jacobson organ okay that also sounds and the roof of your mouth and tells uh the snake what it smells took a shot in the jacobson uh we've got would you rather smell with your tongue like a snake or taste with your feet like a fly okay well look i knew neither of these things i knew it you did

you did it i knew that a snake uses his tongue to like sense the surroundings but i didn't know his smell i thought it was more like a dolphin's you know echo you thought i thought it was more like you thought they were using radar he's just saying it's a different way of kind of getting your echo location it's something i don't know i didn't think they were smelling with their tongue because who does that snakes that's okay that's so put it into today's context then right like you're walking around and you want to get a whiff of something but you gotta bust the tongue out to get a whiff or you're just tasting your socks all day yeah i mean this is this is the i mean you probably realign the way you do things if you're just tasting your socks all day yeah i mean this is this is the i mean

you probably realign the way you do things if you're eating through your feet right this is a fascinating discussion on what these animals or fascinating is a stretch but go on i am fascinated by the specifics of jacobson's organ here but That's a piano, right? We're being very clear. That's like a musical organ. Your brain, your heart, the Jacobson. Just don't get hit. There is no way that this is a debatable question. I 100% agree.

Because you just smell with your tongue. That's what you do. I'm happy to lose smell for most of the time. Like, I don't want to lose all my smell. Sometimes you do want to lose smell. Exactly. There's plenty of times. You never want to eat through your feet.

A lot of your taste is connected to your smell. But you're going to smell it even better if it's connected to your tongue. Imagine being a winemaker, though, huh? I'm just imagining rolling up. Squishing them grapes? But I'm at, like, a real, real fancy restaurant. I'm dressed up. I'm in a black suit.

Maybe I'm even in a tuxedo. Oh, you got the tails. Oh, the tails, they're almost touching the ground. And then the waiter brings out my soup and ka-plow! My foot goes up on the table. Hold on. I got to taste this. I thought you were going to bring up the like, okay, you get a fancy glass of wine.

I want to smell the wine. But instead, you got to be like licking inside the glass. Look, neither of these is conducive for fine dining. all the wine, but instead you've got to be like licking inside the glass. Neither of these is conducive for fine dining. One of those things is way, way, way worse. So we're in agreement. Hold on, sir.

Bam! I mean, there's no world where it's okay to eat with your feet. A fly, it flies around and it lands on what it's going to eat. We don't do that. That's to be fair. You don't eat with your feet.

You just taste with your feet and then eat with your mouth. So if you don't want to taste your soup, you can still just eat. Well, that ruins what I was going to say. I figured Jason would be sneaking cookies into his shoes all day long. Well, then he would just taste cookies all day. He's just not eating them. That's a great life. Oh, man. All my socks would be like just dipped in like some kind of. Hold on.

So you got cookies in the socks and you're eating salads. Oh, because it's separate. I've always dreamed of this. You have. You've always dreamed of this you have the best taste of cookies and it sucks since i was a little boy cookies in my socks salads in my mouth that's that's a famous slogan that's a good tease thank you all right uh we're all going with the not as severe one not having to walk on the table to enjoy my meal or you just eat without smell i mean you you

could you mind if i taste that there is a world where you don't want to taste right you said if you don't taste at all you're eating good food so if you walk into that fine dining you don't need to taste it you're just eating healthy stuff i'm not paying up for fine dining that's fair taste it all right jacob from twitter who has an organ. Jacob from Twitter. His son does. Would you rather be a pro NFL player making a fast food drive-through wage or a fast food drive-through job and make an NFL salary? Do the drive-through people make less?

I apologize. I'm ignorant of this. No, it's just making the implication that you get paid nothing. Okay, you're on minimum wage. You're doing the drive-thru job, minimum wage, but you're a pro NFL player. Right. You get the glory. So you get their wage, but you get the, yeah, everybody watches you.

You're still famous, I assume. You're risking your body. Yeah, one of these things is highly dangerous. These are not close. I mean, I'll sling burgers for a million dollars a year. Yeah. I'm not saying you can't get hurt by the fryer. Of course you can.

But one of these things can put your lights out and cause serious lifelong problems. I'm not doing that for minimum wage. like put your lights out and cause serious lifelong problems. I'm not doing that for minimum wage. Al, we're not going to taste things through our feet, and we're not going to get concussions for $5 an hour. I tell you. All right, Al? I demand $10 million.

Then I will get the concussions. Well, see, that is the cost because then you get into the would you rathers of would you rather live 70 years making 10 million a year? Would you rather live 50 years making 100 million a year? Okay. But if I'm working the fast food job, do I get unlimited burgers? With that salary? Sure. Oh, I forgot.

You can buy all the burgers you want. I like how Mikey just needs to keep that check buy all the burgers you want. I mean, you're just fast for burgers. I like how Mikey just needs to keep that check together and the burgers on top. You're like, oh, by the way, I'm buying this franchise now. I mean, you could do that drive-thru job millions per year and retire in a couple years of doing it, too. Imagine how happy the drive-thru people would be. Oh, making that kind of money? If they were making that kind of money.

That's actually interesting to think about. Because we all know, and we've all experienced grumpy teenager in the drive-thru. Oh, yeah. And honestly- Or just doesn't care about the world teenager, doesn't get my order right, doesn't pay attention. Don't blame them at all. Experience it three times a day. I hear you. I hear you.

I hear you. But it's not every single time that you get the grumpy Gus. No, it's actually really shocking and delightful when you get one of those surprisingly really good at their job drive-thru workers. Like Big Gordo. Oh, Big Gordo! Yes! What a great story. We haven't told that story.

No. Please, Andy. But it's not a great story. It's not a great story we haven't told that story no please it's not a great story it's not a great we were in uh well sure if he's listening this will be his chance what up big g um gabe is his real name but anyway we were we were traveling across the country together listening to 90s tunes and in jason's electric vehicle that has to charge every 14 minutes. And, of course, one of our two charging stops on this short drive is Kingman, Arizona. And these charging stations are always at Carl's Jr.'s. They really are. It's great.

And think about it. That just means you're eating a lot more Carl's Jr. than the next person. Also great. Because you don't have a choice i'm not gonna uber from that carl's jr to another fast food place down the street so we go to carl's jr and i'm telling you it was one of those special type of people the best uh his name turned out to be gabe he had that place on lockdown it was as clean as can be he he had menu suggestions for us he hooked up a little uh some cookie crumbles in our in our shakes he was the nicest man who knew the ins and outs of every inch

of that operation he did he knew i mean it was like that dude must be being paid nfl salary because he was dedicated so we ended up in a situation driving back we knew we were going there again we we loved this man we didn't know his name so we're like everybody gets to guess what his name is and so you know my i think i what was my name steve or something and yeah mike had a guess i was like aaron and jason went with a little bit out of bounds jason was insistent he said this man's name is big it has to start with a g it starts with a g and he comes up with gordo yeah it was gordon to start but he's like he goes by gordo yeah big gordo big gordo he's a he's a larger man and and i well but the funny part is jason had no idea that Gordo was actually Spanish.

Right. That's when Jason was really embarrassed. Spanish for what, Jason? And then I found out that that word means fat. So I was calling him Big Fat, which isn't nice. And so understand. But you didn't know. From a pure heart, I was not calling.

I was like, oh, that's Big Fat. That's his name. He's Big Fat. So no, I was like, you know, you just look at somebody. Somehow you knew his name was a G name. You look at somebody. And it turned out to be Gabe. And you know their name or you know the genre of name.

I was like, I was so positive it was a G. So I went with Gordon. Big Fat. Big Fat. And then here's the worst part of the story. We get to Kingman. He wasn't working. He wasn't even there.

But we asked what his name was because we had a big debate. I said there was a guy that was super nice yesterday. And she's like, yeah, he's the manager. His name is Gabe. If you're in Kingman, Arizona. Enjoy. Stop by Carl's J. Say what up to Gabe.

Yeah. Not Big Gordo. Gabe. Did you just short Carl's J. Say what up to Gabe. Yeah, not Big Gordo. Gabe. Did you just short Carl's Jr.? I did. You shorted the long name Carl's Jr. to Carl's J? When you hit up Carl's. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

When you hit up Carl's J on the reg. When you hit up Carl J. It's Carl J now. CJ. You go to CJ's. Say hi to Big Gordo for us. All right. What is happening? All right, we're taking the obvious Big Gordo for us. All right. What is happening?

All right. We're taking the obvious one. Two for two on obvious ones. Let's see if you can make it three in a row. All right. Big Jeremy. Zinsation 23 from Twitter. Would you rather always feel like there's something stuck in your shoe,

like a cookie cracker, or always feel like there's a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth. These both are bad. All right. No obvious answer. All right. Have you ever been happy? Let me ask you this.

Have you ever been somewhat happy with what you have stuck in your teeth because it's got like a little- It turns into a tasty treat? It's a little bit of a- It's like a hard candy. a tasty treat it's a little bit it's like a hard candy no never you haven't you've you've never had something pulled out of your teeth that then it ended up having like a full flavor never and you revisited lunch you're like oh yeah that was really good you never loosed a crumb in your mouth and you're like oh i'm glad that was

there never what is wrong with you two look here on the same page here i've done mike and i eat a lot of pretzels apparently here's where i can get like this isn't stuck in your teeth but if it is like you know you eat oreos and it's like on the top or oreos go in the molars yeah that's what i'm saying a popcorn kernel goes in between your teeth yeah that's no no you can't just pick it out. Yeah, I'm just saying that's okay. But I've never had something stuck in my teeth that I've enjoyed then or later. That being said, if we're comparing it to a rock in a shoe.

So we just bought a popcorn maker. You fancy. We are getting bougie up in our house because we're watching movies and we're making- You showed me this thing and you showed me that there's some secret ingredients. Flavacol. Flavacol? I think that's what it's called. Yeah, and it's supposed to raise profits for popcorn salesmen around the country.

But it's in my home. Flavacol? Flavacol. Flavacol. It's called Flavor-Co? Flavor-Call. Flavor-Call. It's worse than that. It's Flavor-Call. So that's a medication that you've seen advertised before that causes death. Well, so speaking of causes. Flavor-Call.

Speaking of causes, death. You know, if you're listening, don't confuse a teaspoon with a tablespoon. No, no, no. A teaspoon is very, very tiny very different chase if you get the very tiny teaspoon that is 122 percent of your daily sodium the teaspoon it's delicious hold on hold on the teaspoon teaspoon in america little tiny i'm gonna be honest with you you made this popcorn for me and it was very fresh. It was very hot. You asked me if I liked it.

I said I did like it, and mind you, I ate it. I ate it all. He didn't like it. But listen, I ain't never tasted a saltier bag of popcorn in my whole life. Flavor call. I mean. Boom. Flavor call in your face.

Here's the truth. It was the salt. I was a salt lick. Okay? You were a salt lick? I was a horse salt. I was a salt lick, okay? You were assaulted? I was a horse, and it was a salt lick, and I'm just pure. I was a raisin when I got home. Yeah, baby.

I was dried up by bag one. I don't know how. Leave a call. So here's the thing that I have since learned. We have these packages where you cut the top off and it's got the oil and it's got the kernels. I was like, the seeds?

You're such a professional. And it's got a pouch of seasoning salt. And so I don't think I'm supposed to use that and the Flavacol. No. Flavacol. Too much in your face. All right. So look, something much in your face. All right.

So look, something's stuck in your teeth. It stinks. If it's stuck in your shoe, I've got my thing with the shoe. You're doing the toe tap all day. You work it towards the top left. You step the big toe. Step toe down. Click, click, click.

Step, step. Click, click, click. Trying to kick the toe to the front. I don't know why as a kid. Or the rock. I feel like as a kid, I had a rock in my shoe every day. I don't know if we played in a lot of miniature rock playgrounds. I just feel like it was regular.

Yeah, Arizona. No grass, right? You don't get grass in your shoes. No, you didn't play in the rocks. You played in the grass. That's how you got rocks in your shoes. That's right. That's true.

But something stuck in your... I feel like you might get used to it stuck in your teeth wouldn't you yes no no this is the point of why i brought up the popcorn machine that i brought up the popcorn machine because flavor call because wmd um yes because i've eaten a lot of popcorn the last two weeks dehydrated did you have any of that no i missed out I missed out. It is delicious. Sodium rich. But it is very sodium rich, and I apologize for nothing. Did you look at the ingredients?

Flavacol. Does it just say ingredients? Salt. Oh, salt is nowhere near as rich in sodium as Flavacol. That's true. Like, I'm not joking. If you took a teaspoon of salt, they made saltier salt. If you take a teaspoon of salt, there's no fathomable way that it has the same. Flavor call.

Flavor call. Boom. Saltier than salt. Up your profits. Saltier than salt. That's a good slogan. Harness the ocean. I might draft that today.

But my point is I've had a lot of popcorn lately, and I've had a lot of kernel stuck in my teeth, and it is so annoying. But I can have that stuck in my teeth for two hours as I watch a movie, and I'm working on this of kernel stuck in my teeth and it is so annoying but I can have that stuck in my teeth for two hours as I watch a movie and I'm working on this thing and it's annoying Mike I could have drank a gallon of seawater it would have been refreshing compared to that popcorn you know what they put in the seawater flavor call um so the thing is is I can't stay for a long period of time with a rock in my shoe. That's like I've got to take the shoe off and stop what I'm doing. So there's no way I'm taking that.

I'm taking the kernel in the mouth. The only thing worse than the shoe in the rock in the shoe is the kernel in your teeth. And you just cut your fingernails. And you have no recourse. Or you bite your fingernails. And you never have you have no recourse there you buy your fingernails there and you never have them fine that's fine you just bit all your fingernails up and you have no possible way you know you're tonguing this thing for hours and you know it's never coming out i have this ever i i want to show you something uh listeners out there yes i understand that there's

toothpicks i was gonna send you a link where you can purchase toothpicks. Yeah, but you don't. Listen. You know who purchases toothpicks? Andy has toothpicks on him at all. Andy, do you have a toothpick or some kind of? No, I do not right now. But I was going to say, that's the problem. You get caught out in the world without a toothpick.

You have a toothpick in your wallet, though. I used to. I used to. The wrong gun? I don't right now. I'm sorry to let you down. But when you say you used to to me what that means

is you ran out on Wednesday and you'll have them soon but you're just out right now not like I made the decision that I didn't want my wallet quite that thick that's all that happened I didn't not want the tooth I just didn't want the wallet to be that thick but yeah it's nice to have them I don't know where this is going I would rather have

I think I'd rather have the thing in my shoe. So, Mike, your final vote. We spend a lot of our days sitting. And when I'm sitting, a rock in my shoe is not a problem. But something in my teeth is always a problem. Always it is. All right, we're moving on. Jason explains in 60 seconds. All right. We're moving on. Jason explains in 60 seconds.

All right. We're doing this again. I've got the wheel. If you're listening at home, I'll let you know what it lands on. There are many items. Jason does not know what he has to explain to us. I'll handle the sound effects. Fortunately, Jason is an expert at all things.

I do know a lot about almost everything yeah jason is going to explain oh there was a boop it's justice oh we're explaining about justice in 60 seconds begin okay so justice is a concept of right and wrong and when you are wrong you are going to enact or receive justice justice is different than vengeance in the sense that it's the right thing it's not something where you are fighting evil with evil but you are overcoming evil with justice with righteousness and you're gonna take the badness and you're gonna squash it and you're going to make it pay its price, its penance with a just punishment. So, for instance, the first justice that ever happened, the first justice, someone threw a rock at someone else.

It hit them pretty hard. And so that first person very excited that that first person he got kicked to the dance so that was justice was served i think you hit 60 seconds i did not know that story well is that from uh the annals of history it is and they actually named that the kicker justice that was that sounded very much like vengeance yeah well no it wasn't the person who got hit so there was justice if the person who got hit was the kicker then that would be vengeance somebody else oh the the courts assign somebody as long as someone else is the kicker of the scrotes.

Right. Judge Thread was not the person. Well, he's the law. Yes. He was carrying out justice. I feel like you know very little about justice. Well, there's also a league. I'll tell you about that later. I can't wait until we have 60 seconds about Victoria Justice from Jason.

Victoria Justice. This would be the part where we also don't know your reference. Spit Wads. Most coffee out there. It's dull. It's stale. It's questionably sourced, but it's easy. You get stuck in that rut.

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To get started, take their quiz at drinktrade.com slash ballers and start your journey to the perfect cup. That's drinktrade.com slash ballers for $20 off your first three bags. The Situation Realm. You don't know who Victoria Justice is is she is an american actress and singer

apparently according to thank goodness for that from nickelodeon okay no i didn't have cable tv mike oh that's right uh all right here we go this is all these are all situations brought to you by the spit wads spitballers pod.com suggested by our greatest supporters nathan from patreon in the ultimate i licked it so it's mine situation you each get one lick and you can keep that one item forever what will you lick all right so let's not the the mistake that could be made here is that you lick something too soon and then you regret the the lick. I mean, this is a one lick. You got to think through this. You got to think through it, and I'm, you know.

You can't lick a million dollars. There's no million dollar bill. Exactly. So you got to. You know what I can lick? A bank. Yeah, you can lick a bank. That's what I've always said.

So that means you get the building. Yeah. So you got. You get everything in it. I mean, you get everything in it. You inherit all the money inside? That's right. the building. Yeah. So you got it. You get everything in it. I mean, you get everything in it. You inherit all the money inside? That's right. And it's my bank.

I can do with the money as I see fit. So you're telling me if you go to your local Chase bank, you lick the wall, then you are now Mr. Chase. No, of that bank. He gets that bank. Under the rules of I lick it, I claim it. Jason, how are you having a problem when the concept of the question is I lick it, I own it? Because whatever you lick is what you own.

You don't become the like. If you own the building, you have the right to not let anybody take anything out of the building. Okay, that's fair. Oh, I got to time it up then. I got to wait for a big deposit. Right. Yeah, you own just what's inside those walls. I'm now just a property manager?

Yeah, congratulations. But you've got a lot of money. Oh, crap. I mean, look, I'd say I'd lick the moon, but that's a tough task. I'm going to say it's impossible. We've talked about licking planets. No, you could lick the moon, But that's a tough task. I'm going to say it's impossible. No, you could lick the moon, Jason, if you were there. No, you couldn't. In order to

lick it, you have to take your tongue out in space and then blast flying out. Or you just end up owning the helmet. That's your lick it and you accidentally link. Okay, you get the whole suit? No, the helmet comes off.

It detaches. Well, that's like saying you don't get the, that's what I was saying. You just get the building. He gets everything inside, so he owns his head. This might not be practical or whatever, but I'm going to go on one of those aircraft carrier tours and I'm going to lick that aircraft carrier. Oh.

And that's mine. So I'm going to own an aircraft carrier because I liked it. You're going to need to get with Mike because that's going to cost a lot of money to do anything with that aircraft carrier. And he's got the money. Yeah, I'll be giving tours. I'm going to lick a Tesla Roadster. I'm just going to win an old one.

Nice. No, it's like a 20 year old car. I'm going to look at new one. They're not even out. I sure you're going to lick the future. Oh, look at this guy saving his lick. No, I a 20 year old car. I'm going to look at new one. They're not even out. I shirt. You're going to lick the future. Oh, look at this guy saving his lick. No, I'm not saving my lick.

The one that was driven off during the semi truck. Okay. Oh, I'm licking that one. It's mine. They've got a lot of bugs. All right. So you're, you're not looking, you're not licking the flavor call. Oh, boom.

You lose your tongue. Okay, so if you're licking that, I just said I could lick a bank. You haven't licked anything yet. Well, I'm feeling very nautical after you wanted to lick. Could you own, like if you licked Al Borland, for instance. I own him? I'm just saying. This is getting into a very gray area. Well, it's not gray.

In that case, you would own Al Borland. It's not gray. It's cut and dry. You own him. I mean, he'll only scat like once every 80 shows. Seriously. This guy is basically worthless. I'm with you.

I think you were on the right track. We already kind of own him. All right, go on. Are you you were on the right track. We already kind of own him. You're on the right track. Are you going to lick like Hawaii? No. Oh. I own this island. Can I lick a state? You'd end up... I was going to lick a cruise ship. Is there a square miles limit on this lick, Borland? I mean, obviously, if I lick the

ground, I don't own the United States. No, it would be bigger than that. It would be the continent. Yeah, as long as it keeps, it's contiguous. You own it all. That's a lot of land. No licking territories. All right. Classic.

All right, I'm going to lick the cruise boat. You want the big cruise? I feel like I could make some real money. Honestly, I would much rather be on a cruise ship than on an aircraft carrier. I just don't know what I would do there. Come hang out with us on the aircraft carrier. I've got higher odds of having some military planes. See the mess hall.

You definitely have higher odds of having military planes. Yes, Andy. There are higher odds on the aircraft carrier than on the cruise ship. The problem with those is they can come and go as they please. The aircraft? Yeah. Dallas? They're gone. Dallas from Patreon has a situation

for us because we need more situations to deal with. You've been waiting all day for a very important phone call, guys. Of course, the call comes when you are in the middle of a number two. Thank you, Dallas. And you know it's not one that you can pinch off hastily. We'll be here a while.

You know trying to call them back will result in a maze of automated services and could take hours to reach the correct person again. How do you handle the call? In other words- We've all been here. The situation is this. Can you take a poop call? Hello?

And if you do, what are the ways that you handle that? Are you bouncing between mute and talking? Oh, that's actually a pro move. I've done this. Are you just being what I like to call sound sensitive? Are you simply being careful about... No, you don't. You need to be louder.

If you whisper, they're going to hear the peripheral. No, if you're loud, they'll hear the echo and they'll be like, sir, are you in a bathroom? Oh, you're worried about them finding out that you're in a bathroom. I'm worried they're going to hear the plop plop. I'm pretty sure I can time those up to when I am not speaking. You better be on mute.

Doing the speaking and the dropping at the same time, that's difficult. But if you're in any bathroom that's not just a home bathroom, they're going to know. Oh, yeah. They're going to say, why is, why is there a reverb on your phone call? Yes. I mean, have you guys have been in this situation? 100%. I mean, every, I feel like everybody's been in a situation where a phone call comes, you know, you need to answer it, but this is really bad time. I just started. And when you have to answer the phone call, all I know is I'm committed. This is where I live now.

You're in it? I'm not leaving. I'm obviously not flushing or continuing. I'm here for the duration of this call. If this is a 20-minute call. Have you taken one of those in a public restroom? Oh, I would never answer in a public restroom. That's what I'm asking. Not for the caller, but for the other people.

Oh, but what if you're in if if i walk into a public restaurant and someone is chatting in the stall on a phone oh get out of here get out of here i literally can't understand who that person is and what the situation was that made them go this is totally okay because i've i've seen it, and it blows my mind. You go with the, excuse me, sir, thank you for calling me back. What's your name? Oh, you know, my name is Frank. You can say, Frank, I've got explosive diarrhea.

I'm going to need you to call me back in 10 minutes. Have you ever thought about telling the truth? Oh. I would probably. I like part of what you said not the diarrhea part i like the part where you just if you answer and say hey i'm right out you answer you act like you're there you're ready to go yeah hey i'm so glad oh you know what i actually need about 10 minutes give me a call back i'd skip the diary but that person's not calling you back

if you tell them you have explosive diarrhea they they know you think you're backwards you're backwards you're very back if you tell the person i've got explosive diarrhea call me back i'm not calling that person back no what i am 100 calling that person back because they because they're honest no someone says no says oh i know if it's explosive 10 minutes is too soon if someone has been that's that's fair not only that but you know that it's explosive, 10 minutes is too soon. If someone has been... That's fair. Not only that, but you know that you're being trolled. You never in a million years would that person think, you know what? That's an honest person.

If you say, I have explosive diarrhea, call me back. They don't go, thank you for your honesty. They go, oh, okay, click. They go, that's weird. But someone who says, oh, you know what? Call me back in 10 minutes. I say, yeah, sure. I'll put you back at the bottom of the line.

Explosive diarrhea. I'll call you back in 10 minutes. Yeah, Mike's wrong. I'm going to side with Andy on this one. Jenny from Patreon has a question. We've dealt with the previous situation handily. You get $1,000 for every time you wake up one of your family members by loudly screaming something but you can never tell them why

and if they find out ever you lose all your money so what is your strategy for this how are they going to find out well they can find out if you tell them Mike oh well that's what I mean I simply just don't have to tell them why I'm doing this well I assume if they find your money stash,

maybe they figure that out somehow. I can tell you my strategy. In my bank, I licked one. Every single time that I'm... I'm just trying to scare them because I feel like I would do this for $10. I don't need $1,000 every scream. You would do it for $0.

You're waking them. Yes. You're waking them up. Yes, and that's the best part of this. What are you screaming? I'm usually just screaming like, ah! But have you ever done the car thing? Have either of you done the car thing?

Someone falls asleep in the car and you slam the brakes and scream. Oh, and you slam the brakes and scream. No, I have not. It's a good one. Because I'm not a sociopath. It's a good one. I think you're underestimating. Sure.

You might like doing this to the point of you get like $3,000 or $4,000. They get real spooked. But once you keep doing it, that's the problem. You want to get rich? You're going to need to really have a family that hates you. Yeah. I mean, that's for sure. But here's the thing.

You could play it off like you never did it. If you do it in the middle of the night, they could be hearing sounds. Like you do it once and you pretend you're asleep. That's my strategy. So it has to be your wife. I'll do this. Yeah, unfortunately it does. I will scream real loud to wake my wife up.

But by the time she turns over, I've been asleep. So you're doing this in your sleep. No, I'm not even doing it in my sleep. She's hearing it. Yeah, no, but she's hearing but you're doing it in the middle of the night. Yes, that's very smart. As long as they wake up to Ching, my pocket fills with some cash. I think what I would do is I would

do immediately after bedtime right when I tuck a man. I usually come back, check on him in 10 minutes. Just it's been your children are asleep. It's been a habit. Yeah, usually. After 10 minutes? We've got it down to a science, my man.

We've got a whole tuck in routine. I don't like you. Leave a call. I don't like you. And that's what I would yell. I'd come in and, Jersey, are you awake? And she's asleep. She doesn't say anything.

Boom, leave a call. And then I'd slam the door and leave. $1,000. $1,000. I feel like if you shout it, you have to spike down. Oh, you're right. Then I'd slam the door and leave. A thousand dollars. A thousand bucks. I feel like if you shout it, you have to spike down. Oh, you're right. Just right in the face. Boom.

Flame call. Oh, like a little spritz. Yeah. Of course, it'll burn your eyes out. That stuff is plutonium. Is there a warning that says don't touch with skin? Not made by earthly elements? I mean.

It is delicious. I mean. It is delicious. I mean, it really is. It'll burn your mouth, but it's delicious. Yes. Spillwads, my family and I just went on a vacation. It was much needed. It was very good, except for one thing. Good for you.

I had such bad sleep. Awful, awful, horrible sleep because I have gotten used to my Helix mattress and apparently not every hotel uses Helix mattresses. Hotels, get on that. Helix is awesome. They give you a mattress for you. Not a generic mattress.

They have a quiz. It takes two minutes. You complete it and it matches your body type, your sleep preferences, your partners, and gets you the perfect mattress. All three of us have done this. All three of us got different mattresses. I'm a plus-size boy. I got the Helix Plus mattress, and I love it.

It is awesome. So if you like a soft mattress, if you like a firm mattress, if you're a stomach sleeper or a side sleeper, it's great. They were awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired Magazine. Just go to helixsleep.com slash ballers, take their two minute sleep quiz, and they will match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. And they are offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash ballers. That's helixsleep.com slash ballers

for up to $200 off and two free pillows. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Mike has the first pick in the draft, and today we are drafting the best slogans. All right, you guys know what a slogan is. I don't need to explain or give away any possible answers, but we did draft best jingles a long time ago on the show. And this is different.

We've been giving a slogan the whole show. Yeah. Yeah. So boom. Flavor call. Well, we made that one up. I don't think their actual slogan is boom. Flavor call.

It could be. So best slogans, Mike, you are, I think, in a good position, number one. I can't imagine. There's a clear 101. What's weird is. I think there's a clear 101 as well. What's weird to me is I don't think it's a clear 101 for the public at large. It's a clear 101 for me. I have to take it because there's a 0% chance it will make it back.

And I am just a, I'm a, I'm a Nike fan boy. I'm a Nike truther till the end. So I will take Nike. Just do it. Yeah. I mean, that's the clue. Like when I really, you really think that's the clear number one. I think it is the clear number one.

When you think of famous slogans, just do it is easily the first thing that comes to mind. Our demographic, our age, our audience. I don't know. I agree with Andy. To me, it's not... I've got one I hope gets to me that I think could be viewed as better. I don't think it's an easy 101. It's just an easy 101 for me

knowing that you want to have it. That makes it even better for me. Mike is going with Nike. Just do it. Makes perfect sense. It's a first rounder, no doubt. Wow. Jason, you have a pick here. Jason is already tilting.

I'm already tilting. Because the game of this one of, okay, so you have the 101, that's fine. But I think after that, it's just a whole hodgepodge of you have no idea what he wants. There are lots of good swogs. And so that's why I started tilting because Andy apparently has one. He's hoping gets to him. So now instead of taking what I want or what I love, you want to get his. I just want to get his.

But the truth is, I don't think that this is I'm not going for polls here. I'm going to pick. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm going to pick my favorite slogans. The ones that make me laugh. The ones that bring me someplace. And there's two that I want.

I don't think that Andy's going to get one of these. I don't think he would take either. I'm going to start with one of my favorite commercial series of all time. It was super funny. It's a little dated now. But so so easy a caveman can do it oh really yeah because those commercials were and that was uh geico geico yeah i had to remember there if you can't get out of here you remember the caveman that's part of that caveman ad spawned into a freaking sitcom. Now, I will say this.

I would say that that is probably not in my top 50. Well, and I said I didn't think you were going to grab either of these. To be fair, it's not in my top 75. Okay. So you're going with Geico. It's so easy a caveman can do it. Got it. Got it. All right.

That's also not their real slogan. That was their slogan for a while. Like a decade. And they do change. I mean, look, if you. 15 minutes, they rotate around. Yeah. But it's best slogans of all time, so it's time periods in which they existed.

Sure. I'm going to go with my number one pick is going to be M&M's. Okay. And that's melts in your mouth, not in your hands. All right. All right. I feel like that's a very iconic. It's on my list.

All-timer. I would have enjoyed it with my last pick. Okay, Mike. Well, it's in your top 75, isn't it? It is. At least. I'm going to go with Disneyland. No!

No, no, no! Happiest place on Earth. The happiest place on Earth. Sure. That's a great one. You judged that very wrong at least you got geico you thought he wouldn't take disney i didn't think so here how this that was the easy second pick that was your dummy i i oh gosh so i've got m&ms melts in your mouth not in your

hands don't worry i've got disneyland the happiest place on earth. You're going to take the gecko next? This sucks. We'll take the roast duck with the mango salsa. I don't want to put any pressure on you, but you are on the clock with your not Disneyland pick. I take the happiest place on Earth. Walt Disney. Walt Disneyland. You know, I just felt like that's not, like it's a very known phrase, but it doesn't strike

me. You still have boom Flavacol available. Boom Flavacol. It doesn't strike me as like a slogan as much as other famous. You're also going to hear from Tenacton. Yes. Excuse me. We have boom as our slogan on lockdown.

Boom. Tough acting. All right. You want tough acting, tenactin? Is that what you're taking? They probably taste the same. Tenactin and flavor call. Tough acting, tenactin is a pretty good pick.

Yeah, it's not bad. Yeah, I'm feeling good. Okay, M&M's and Disney. I'm M&M's and Disney. I think there are a lot of really, really good ones that. Oh, yeah, there's tons that are on the on the table here for Jason. It's time. No, it's time. I quit.

You've got some. Well, we can pass. You can pass. That is allowed. You could move your pick to the very end of the draft if you can't decide. I'm going to I'm going to go with your M and M strategy. I'll taste the stupid rainbow. Oh, that's, I was going to take it on Skittles.

Taste the rainbow. I was going to take it. I'm really upset that that's not bad. That one's in my top 40. Can I go back? No, you cannot. Owl. Can I go back and take a pick that I would prefer?

No. Hmm. I thought that might. All right. I feel great now. I didn't know that was your pick but you're a jerk all right mike you've got two picks all right so i trust that mike i trust mike may uh he may take some of the ones i really want so with my first pick i will take one

of the most parodied slogans of all time i will take got milk that That was... Yeah, that was the one that I was wavering on with M&M's. Like, is it better than M&M's? Is it not? It's way up there. I mean, everybody, as soon as Got Milk hit the airwaves, everybody out there had their, oh, this will be so clever. We'll do Got...

They did so many... Got Shoes. So many magazine ads. Every athlete, every celebrity. Got Milk was sensational. So it's kind of, when you look at these, there's parts of them, when you evaluate it, it's like, how long did it run? Others are like, how iconic?

Like, M&M's in Disneyland ran a lot longer than Got Milk did, but Got Milk made a big mark, and that was a tough decision. All of these clearly better than Geico. So go ahead, Mike. You've got another one. All right, and it almost transitions into my next pick here, and it's just really fun to say. They're great.

I will take Frosted Flakes to go with my milk and get my shoes. And your shoes. All right, so you've got Nike. Just do it. I go with my milk and my shoes. And your shoes. All right. So you've got Nike. Just do it. I taste with my feet. You've got got milk and you've got there. Great.

I like to keep it real short. It was on my short list. Not that short, but on my short list. Oh, it's fantastic. It's funny. Now that we're doing this, like, I just want all food items. You know, it's like there's a lot of catchy. Please take.

Oh, yeah. All right, Jason, your third place team is up for another is up for another pick. Look, I don't take solace in the fact that it doesn't matter what you do. I don't exactly like you're not doing it for the polls, Jason. No, I'm surely not. I am. That's true taking your favorite i wanted the happiest place on earth they should have taken it first you had to pick before me i didn't think he would take it you you always talk i hate you all right um i'm very

tilted boom flavor call all right i'm gonna take uh a slogan that was so popular that it made a career for the person who said the slogan so much so that he could then go to a competitor and have a whole other secondary career. Gotcha. Yep. Verizon's famous. Can you hear me now? All right.

Yep. I think that was one of the most successful slogans of all time. It seems more recent than the ones we've been taking. It seems as recent as So Easy a Caveman can do it. There was a small window where Jason really liked it. That's where I want those. Mike, you're my competition. I'm going with Energizer.

It keeps going and going and going and going. So I'm going Energizer. Long keeps going and going and going and going. So I'm going Energizer. Long standing. It was. I can't remember the last time I heard it. It's been a little while. I mean, besides you saying that. I have a really, really large list that I came up with, and it is not on here. Dude, the Energizer party was awesome.

Yeah, I'm feeling very discouraged. My picks are great. It's not on your list, Jay. My picks are great. That's validation. list Jay my picks that validation here comes Alka Seltzer and then man this is the hard part I've got a few that I want

gosh I've in fact got oh I think it's I'm not afraid of whether I'll make a good pick I'm afraid of whether I'll make the best pick and one that Mike wants to come back to him. When I think of slogans, whether or not, you know, I'm not a big Vegas guy, but I can't imagine a better written slogan

than when they made Vegas. What happens here stays here. Famous slogan. So I'll go with that one. Okay. All right. What happens here stays here. Famous slogan. Yeah. So I'll go with that one. Okay. All right. Also not on the list, but hey, I remember it.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Let me go with Geico. 15 minutes could save you 50% or more. How about you're in good hands all state? That was on my list. I'm going to do a full insurance run here. Okay, so how many do I get now?

Just one. Just one? Yeah, it's just one. You're going to need four or five. Is it the same every time? I've picked how many so far. Here comes, it's my money and I want it now. Mike has managed to draft three great slogans that all have no words.

Just do it. Got milk. They're great. Eight words. To have a great slogan, that all have like no words. Just do it. Got milk. They're great. Eight words to have a seven. Logan, you, that's what you want.

Mike has no chance of losing. I just want that to be known now because I like my picks, but Mike's are better. I think. And Jason's are not the best. So I'm looking at my list and there's ones that I like more than this, but this one just makes me laugh. So I'm taking it because the fact that I would take a look I'm leaning in I'm leaning into last place here fellas oh I'm excited um I look I I there's two lean in for last places that I was between

and I'm gonna say the other one Mike if you want it you can have it but it's a drop we've got for Jacoby Bursette. Oh, very nice. Where's the beef? Yeah. From Wendy's. That's a good one. But instead of that. Oh, you didn't go with that.

No, but instead of that, I'm going with maybe she's born with it. Oh, maybe it's Maybelline. That was a fantastic slogan. Same exact time period as your other ones, too. Not our demographic, but I irrationally like that one. It's great. Maybe it's Maybelline. That's a sensational ad campaign.

Part of this is- Owl Borland is asking, is it a slogan or a jingle? And it's both. I guess. No. Maybe it's Maybelline is a slogan. That was the tagline in a print ad. I was wondering the same thing.

When something pops into your head, it was just do it. It was, I wanted to go the jingle from the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. Because that's their slogan too. Best part of waking up? The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. I've got that on the list. Yeah. A lot of the slogans are all i mean there's

right there's a few slogans that are also some kind of jingle um like mike i'm loving it i was just gonna say you could take the another three word slogan you could dude you would get if you took i'm loving it it's over you would get 90 of the vote well because of course i'm taking i'm loving it what are you guys what have you been doing over there? It's on my list. I leaned in. I'm loving it. Look, maybe she's born with it.

Maybe it's Maybelline. Okay. That's a good one. That's my best pick. All right. With my final pick officially, just so you know, I'm digging. I'm loving it. And then I was between Finger Lickin' Good.

I'm a big fan of that.. I'm a big fan of that. And I'm a big fan of America runs on Dunkin'. Really? I think it's... I'm a big fan of Dunkin' Donuts. I think it's a really smart, a really, really smart slogan. But I didn't draft it. Not smart enough for me to draft.

I'm surprised Betch Can't eat just one uh wasn't because it's food oh that's lace yeah the the quicker picker upper bounty that's actually on my list um oh i didn't write it down on my list but uh breakfast of champions but uh once you pop you can't stop that's a good one that's a really good one you know one that comes up man can get yeah there's one that comes up all the time when when we're talking about where you can download our podcast we're here we're here we're here we always want to be like we're everywhere you want to be visa but that's visa yeah oh there's a good apple think different see like that was a big campaign when did they do that the whole campaign

was from when jobs came back on i think think. I don't even associate that with Apple anymore. It's shake and bake, not help. I like that one a lot. All right, so Mike's team, just do it. Got milk. They're great, and I'm loving it. Minimal. I have melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

The happiest place on earth. It keeps going and going and going, and what happens here stays here. Jason has so easy a caveman can do it. Taste the rainbow. Can you hear me now and maybe she's born with it maybe it's maybelline what did we learn today i learned that jason thinks his best pick was maybe she's born with it maybe it's maybelline oh it's fantastic which is what you said um i learned that snakes taste with their tongue no i didn't i learned that snakes taste with their tongue. No, I didn't.

I learned that they smell with their tongue. There it is. Hopefully they also taste with their tongue. Dual purpose. I learned that the United States military should be looking into flavor call. Yes. Weaponize it.

Throw it in the trenches. Boom! Oh, a flavor call grenade? That's what I'm saying! Boom! Oh, a Flavacol grenade? That's what I'm saying! Boom! Flavacol! Everyone's dehydrated. Help. Thank you for listening.

We'll see you next Monday. Tell your friends. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.