Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Dirty Soap & Luxury Mansion Items - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Spit Hit for May 19, 2022: On today’s show, we discuss online dating profiles, face tattoos, hot tub etiquette, and surviving in a video game world. In our ‘Life Advice’ segment, we hand out some impeccable advice to some poor folks who were likely better off without it. We shut down the show with a draft of extravagant items we want featured in our luxury mansion. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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That's IPVANISH.com slash ballers. Spitwads, whenever there's an episode where you're talking about online dating profiles and face tattoos, you know it's good. But we're answering more important questions than that. On today's episode, we're getting down and dirty. We're asking important questions like, can soap be dirty? Or does the soap make it that it's clean?

And at the end of today's episode, we are going to be drafting luxury mansion items. We're talking stuff that you can only dream about. You're going to love today's spit hit. Check it out. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Na-be-da-ba-ba-da-dee-ba-dee. It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, no! Oh, the music man failed! He gave up! He stumbled and fell? He was surprised by what happened. There was a hitch in the giddy-up, and then I just completely fell on my face.

Oh, wow. How do you feel now, Jay? I have never felt better about myself than seeing. Speed up. Hey, has anybody. This is what? Show 87? Yeah.

Something like that. Has anyone ever completely failed? Not done a poor job, but just like. That's as close as we get. I think we got there, and I'm so proud that it wasn't me, because if we took Vegas odds on who would stumble to the point of just quitting, which is... We actually had those odds, and I put everything on myself, and I've just cashed out, and I'll be quitting the podcast with my riches.

Welcome into the show. Spit ballers. That was awesome. That was at spit ballers pod, spit ballers, pod.com, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. Would you rather on the show today? We've got some more life advice coming your way. A draft that Jason and I are not prepared for. I feel like my life has prepared me for all drafts.

I feel like if you were a small child at any point, and I was, you have prepared at least a little bit for this draft. Yeah, I know what you're saying. That's true. That being said, be careful about how sure you are that you'll be able to perform

because you could end up in a real Mike scatting situation. Yeah. It's embarrassing. You could take it for granted. Let's get started. Would you rather? Would you rather Judge Giamatti or Al Borland? Because now Borland's back.

Yeah. Are you feeling good? I am feeling way better. Thank you. That's not good. Superman feels good. Not feeling good, but you're better. That's good. We had a get, get, get, get Brooks in the cockpit.

A lot of goose. What did you think of his scat? I mean, you had just had to do your own. I loved it, man. It was great. A rig it, get loved it, man. It was great. A rig it, kick, kick, kick. It was actually pretty impressive. He was ready to go.

He did not try to fight back. He did not try to argue about it. Not that I saw. Sure. But the thing is, when you have one scat, it's easy peasy lemon squeezy. When you have had to come up with i don't know how many times i've had to do this 87 divided by three minus two well we didn't we weren't doing it at the beginning and then like my turn never gets skipped which i think is a credit to me right

to me because you're clearly and so now i own the best and the worst scats of all time. Different ways to think about it. That's for sure. Would you rather question from Spam Fries on Patreon, one of our Spitballer supporters. Would you rather make every decision, no matter how complex or simple, by flipping a coin or have to write out a pro-con list that you go over with your wife for every decision. Every decision by flipping a coin or have to do the pro-con list

for everything with your spouse. Your two-face, because he solves everything with the coin, even though the coin is rigged. Or you have the pro-con list with the wife. So this is really, another way to look at this is to say, would you like to make wise decisions slowly, monotonously? But you may never ever make a decision. Or would you like to quickly just guess on the answer of every life decision? Here's the worry I have about the coin.

At first, I was like, okay, maybe that works if you're browsing for houses, right? And you're saying, do I get this house? Flip a coin? No. All right. Go to the next house. Flip a coin? No.

You'll get a house eventually. Right. But what happens when it's... Are we going to have kids? Oh. And that coin flip. Yeah, that's a lifer. You don't get to make that decision again.

I wish I could have blamed the coin. Here's the thing, though. Wouldn't you start changing your questions? Should I try to have kids today i see you know if you want to hack it the problem with the pro con list is my wife is super type a she is a lister her lists have lists oh really they write lists themselves oh my goodness these things have full-on AI. They hit the singularity.

They are aware of themselves, and they just continue to grow, and she lists and lists. We were just with some friends who came in out of town, so we were playing the game Codenames. Have you guys ever played this game? It's a really, really good game. It's fabulous. Oh, my goodness. Do I love this game. In fact, Owl Borland showed this game to us. We just went on our ski trip, which I survived and also did not ski.

Was that key to not skiing? Part of survival was not skiing, but we played Codenames Air. So continue. Wonderful game. Not a sponsor. So I'm up. No, not yet. I am up.

I am the clue giver. And my wife and one of my buddies, they are guessing for the clues. If you don't know what we're talking about, essentially, I will give one word. I give a one-word clue, and you have to kind of guess which words represent that clue. And your goal is to give a one-word clue that could apply to the most possible terms on the table so that your teammate can figure it out. Yes. So I gave my clue, and I said two.

Clue word, two. So there's two words out there that have this clue. Our turn was 25 minutes long. What? Not really, but our turn was at least five-plus minutes of my buddy going through the list, and then my wife being like well hold on like them making a list of what it could possibly be could possibly be then sub listing well maybe

he said this because he means this which means this it's like so you're saying you don't really have the ability to go for the if i did the list if i do the pro con list i will starve to death yes so you're going coin see i i don't have a choice i have to flip the coin i feel like my wife and i are on the other end of the spectrum where it would be pro con list it would be like you're both pretty impulsive yeah well we're we're uh you know it was we i'll say this we have a really hard time making decisions maybe the coin would help us out. Like, where do you want to eat? I don't know.

We throw out 500 places. None of them sounds good enough. We actually need the coin in our life. That's surprising to me. I feel like you guys would be able to handle it. It doesn't surprise me. It doesn't? No, because think about the last five, six years of going to lunch with Jason.

When has Jason said, I want to go blank? He's always kind of just... I'm a go-along guy. He is a go-along guy. You're both easy going. Okay, I see it. That's fine. All right.

I see it. These places are good, or any place you want is also good. But I feel like our pro-con list would be like, pro, I really want to do it. Con, nothing. That would be like... Well, that would be real easy then. Yeah, you should go that direction. I'm going to do it Con Nothing That would be like Well that would be real easy then Yeah you should go that direction I'm going to flip a coin

Alright I'm going to flip a coin For quick and easy decisions Effective decisions Yeah Not effective Quick and easy I'm

I would freak out too much On where that coin landed I'll just be type A And go pro con list I'm I'm trying this You know it's like the movie The Yes Man. I'm going to try it.

I'm going to be flipping a coin for a month. Like a 24-hour period where every decision is a coin flip. And we'll see if you're still married in 25 hours. So coin flip can be yes. Sorry, honey, I had to go to the casino. Could be yes or no, right? Yes. Or it could be two options.

Yeah, it could be yes or no or ab should i go to the store and get groceries today nope sorry on the coin said no groceries tyler from patreon would you rather give yourself a neck tattoo or get a face tattoo from a professional artist so you give yourself a neck tattoo all right or get a face tattoo from somebody that is a pro so would you give yourself a neck tattoo. All right. Or get a face tattoo from somebody that is a pro. So would you rather have a terrible, bad neck tattoo or a good face tattoo? Yeah, it would be a stick man. I could put a cross. I could definitely do a cross, like one of the little tiny line.

I could pull a smile. Well, I think my smiley face would look like the Blink-182 smiley face. I don't know that off the top of my head. Oh, that was a good reference. Yeah, I imagine if you get to get away with a very small tattoo on your neck. Yes, I mean, it's smaller. But let's make it this, then. It's still on your neck, though.

It's the same tattoo in both places. Ooh. Okay? And so it's a good enough tattoo. Let's say it is a, I don't know. Hold on. Wait, what just happened? I missed a moment.

If we weren't on YouTube, I wouldn't bring it up. But this man to my right, Jason. I pulled my knee again. You did it again? Yeah, I did. He pulled his knee. And if you think this man is pretending you didn't see his face how i saw this face it looked like he had just bit off a bite of an orange i mean he is

wincing so i sit here and i put my feet like so we're in an office chair right where at the bottom there's the three of them yeah i've got the same chair as you right i'm just describing do you have the chair? Yes. I'm not explaining this to you, Mike. I'm explaining. I'm explaining. My knees are fine, and they've been fine for every show. But I do this thing where I put my feet back and under the leg.

I don't know why I do that, but apparently when I turn and my foot is stuck, it hurts my knee. I'm lost now. Let's say it's the same tattoo. All right. Let's say it is a tattoo. It's the size of about a fist. Oh, that's a big one.

So you're either doing this. That's a really big tattoo for your face. I agree. But you're either doing that big of a tattoo yourself on your neck, which is still visible, or you're having a professional put it on your face. I will go neck. If it's a quarter.

I will wear the most obnoxious. Mock turtleneck shirts for the rest of my life. Yeah, I can't take a quarter of my face up with a tattoo. If I were to have a tattoo on my face, it would be like a teardrop. It would be the murder. It would be a teardrop. The size of a fist? No, that's just this.

My old cheek is one look i've only committed one murder but it was a big guy it's messy but you know that guy is dead if you see a teardrop real dead you know that's an automatic be afraid of me right right i imagine you which is so weird you're tattooed Jason, I know what your tattoo would be. The tough guy has... Hold on. I cry a lot. Or when you murdered someone, you're like, I shed one single tear for this person who's no longer alive because of me. Why is that the symbol?

That just reminds me of fighter pilots. Didn't they have marks on their... As many bogeys that they've shot down, they got another... Or you're in college football and you get those symbols on your helmet, the better you are. The war, you're at war. Like, well, I don't want to get into the philosophical debate about that, but like, why is it a teardrop? I don't, Mike, I'm not going to. Why is, why, where's like the thumbs up?

Let me tell you this. Got him. Here's what I know. We are the three least qualified people to know why it is. All right. I have no idea. What I was thinking Jason could do is you have a beard. Yes, I do.

You have glasses. Yes, I do. You could remove both and then tattoo them right back on. That could be your face tattoo. If you had a tattooed beard and tattooed glasses. So the tattooed beard. How dumb would you look? The tattooed beard would be 100 fine because it

would be under my beard eventually oh that's true like it would just i would just look like i have a thicker beard a darker beard i'm into that that's actually now i'm thinking this might be the tattoo i need but the tattooed glasses would look so stupid because you'd see both at the same time it's not like from every angle i guess i was thinking you wouldn't put glasses on again and you wouldn't grow a beard back. Okay. So I can't see now. And also you can see how fat my neck is. You can't see how bad your glasses tattoo looks.

That's true. So your beard is hiding your neck fat? Look, if I had the jawline of a handsome man, then I would 100 not have a beard i have a beard for one reason one reason only it's fat neck i have a really you would be a clean face 100 i mean i love he used to be a clean face yeah yeah remember what i did when you were a handsome man exactly when he had the jawline of willem dafoe no i i absolutely would not want a beard if it wasn't for my fatty, fat, fat neck. All right. And the thing is...

Call it the gobbler, but that's fine. The thing about... So part of this is fat, right? Part of it is being overweight. Part of it? Part of it. Some of it is actually a genetic... Mutation?

Well, pretty much. Are you an X-Men? The more men, not the Mormon, but the more men. Okay. My last name being more. Us more boys. We're following. We have a very unfortunate, like, right under our neck, it's pouchy.

It's poochy. You have a neck pouch? I've got a little. It's just, it's pouchy. It's poochy. Like when I, you have a neck pouch. I've got an, I've got a little, it just hangs a little bit. Can you store walnuts? No,

there's no practical function for this. The only, I mean, that's why I have to have a beard. The rest of my life, I've got a beard because even when I, when I lose weight, I'll still have a little neck pooch.

I don't want a neck pooch. What if you grew your hair? What if you grew your hair only in the areas that you want to cover? Well, so just a neck beard. Just a little poochy neck covering. I think that would be even less handsome. It's like pants for the neck pooch. We are lost.

What was the question? I'm going neck tattoo. A face tattoo is insane. Look, I already have a neck tattoo. That's a good point. I will not be getting a face tattoo. If you want a face tattoo, fine.

You're not cool enough. Are you? No, I, I am not. I am no post Malone who just continues to add more and more tattoos to his face. Every time I see face tattoos,

I think, what does this person look like at 85? That's all I can ever think about. At 85? Who gives a crap about 85? That's the argument against tattoos of, well, aren't you going to look? You're like, well, I'll be a tatted old person. That's fine.

And when I'm 85, I will be just wishing for the sweet relief of death. I will not be worried about my tattoos. When Post Malone's 85, Mike, I want us to check out that picture. We'll have another conversation. We will be gone when he's 85. That's a good point. And he will still be rich. Stephanie from the website.

Would you rather, with your current physical skills, be trapped in the world of Super Mario Brothers or the world of Pac-Man? Wait a minute. This isn't fair. Why is that? Okay, just think about small Mario. Mm-hmm.

Now think about, and I'm talking Mario Uno. We're talking Nintendo Entertainment System, the first. Think about every step that he jumps on. It's his height. It's the same height as him. Okay. Okay, that's just to get up like a step. My personal physical skills, I would be jumping and grabbing that ledge and pulling myself.

That's one step. I got a hundred steps to go up. And now there's a flag over there. But if I drop from the top of this, I'm just dead. I'm up in a mountain. That's true. But I'm never making it to the flagpole there are mushrooms that you can eat that will make you double the size not enough or a flower that can

make you throw boogers of fire out your nose if we're talking about the classic nes version the only thing that would help me is the leaf that allows me to fly let me counter it with well that's now you're going mario 3 now you're breaking your own rules jason sure i had to get there all right but let me counter it with this in the world of pac-man you're running a lot running you're running a lot you are running non-stop because the ghosts are coming to get you and they will never ever ever stop at least to mario you can have a seat and relax for a little bit this is not your jogging app where you get to jog for three seconds and walk for 60 seconds. It's sprint forever. It's sprint until you die.

But you do get to eat the whole time. Oh, yeah, Borland. Oh, man. That's true. And you get the power pellets every once in a while. Do you like cherries? I was going to say, not only just the pellets, which I assume are cheese, but in addition to that, I would get the cherries and all the other specialty items.

And the ghosts at times. Yeah. Now, how many fruits the size of your body have you ever consumed? The size of my body? Like a man-sized strawberry. I could do it. You could do it. I could do it. You could do it. I could do it.

I believe in myself. And thankfully, what are all the cherries? I think it's just all fruit. Yeah. I imagine the Mario world, you're excited you're in that world. You're running full steam. You get to your first jump. Then you just plummet to your death.

I mean, you're dead at that point this has to be i mean is there a way in which we could still like succeed at the mario world like what what can we bridge on this question to make it to it? Because if it's my physical abilities right now, I'm not getting past first. I'm not getting to the halfway point of the first level ever. Well, are you actually trying to beat the levels or are you just trying to make a new home? Or are you like, I live here now. I live. I took the first pipe down and this is where I live.

And then I walked to the left and went back in the castle and said, I live here now. Do you get the music the whole time? Is that important to you? It is. Yeah, you get the music. Because I like the Super Mario song, but if I have to hear it 24 hours a day... I wanted the feather so that I had the cape so that I could fly.

Now you're on Super Mario World! Which, it's my own rules. I could then do what I do in that game half the time, which is fly. Right. And then go flying as high as I can until I cross the finish line and cheat the level. I love the way that you're working. I looked up the Pac-Man fruit just so we could get our bearings on this. We have the cherry.

Any bananas? The strawberry. This is the original. Okay. Cherry, strawberry, orange, apple strawberry orange apple melon galaxian starship bell and key so wait you eat all these fruit and then you eat a starship according to google this is what we're talking about a galaxian starship i'm gonna go in the mario universe still i'm going mario for sure you like mushrooms on your pizza? Yeah, I do. Okay.

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Don't wait. Check your rate today at upstart.com slash ballers. That's upstart.com slash ballers to check your rate today. Don't forget to use our URL to let them know that we sent you. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit, income, and certain other information provided in your loan application. Go to upstart.com slash ballers. Spitballers to the rescue. James from twitter needs some life advice some help and we're here to give it oh james the most serious of men we are and here's our answer i'm at oh here's this question i'm at a resort here is our answer let's give it we traditionally want to give yes the answer is of course you should.

Now let's find out what the... We should have a new segment that is Jeopardy style, and people give us the answers, and then we have to say what life advice question is this relating to. James has a question. He says, I'm at a resort. I really want to get into the hot tub. But there is already someone in there okie doke should i go ahead and get in and if so is it required to make conversation

i've been there i've been there james how big no is it's normal size hot tub hot tub normal size hot tub that's like a what that, like a five by five? Whoa. You got to make conversation if it's that tight. Oh, yeah, for sure. There's no way you're getting in there and just like- Staring at them? Staring through them.

You don't have to stare. You can get in, not talk to them, and not stare at them. No, but the point is, if you get in there and you're not going to talk, the only way that's acceptable- AirPods. Is- Yes. Put the AirPods in.

Okay. Okay. The only two ways that's acceptable is either you have AirPods, which is a great idea, Andy, or you have to like turn away from, actively put your back to them and be like, I'm just, you know, otherwise you are so rude to just sit in this thing and never, if you acknowledge, if you're like, what's up? Or whatever you do i don't know your colloquialism that's your hot tub green night nice water yeah and then and then you know

they say hey and then oh it's so hot you can now when you're in the hot tub i like that that's what i'm saying like if you're in the hot tub is is the small talk now transferred from the weather to simply talking about how hot the water is or are you allowed to wear some hot water like a hot a hot tub is meant to make you feel good yes so are you allowed to exclaim just sit there moaning oh that's nice oh you'll be on the hot tub alone real quick bubbly you want your own tub? I recommend a cannonball into the hot tub and then moans. That reminds me

of a true story. Let me ask this quick question and then you can tell your story. Do you worry about the sanitation situation in a hot tub? There are people in and out all day and I know that they're supposed to load it up with chemical burns.

Yes. But you don't worry about that at all? I don't. I don't. Because I- All that hot water. As long as I can smell the hot tub from up in my room, because it's so chlorinated, then we're good.

You always can. But I also feel like the hot water kills everything. It doesn't. It's not hot enough. But I feel- It's half the temperature of boiling water. Hold on. Hold on.

So we know this. We know that boiling of boiling water. Hold on, Jason. So we know this. We know that boiling water disinfects things. Yes. The water in a hot tub is actually not boiling. It's air making it look like it's boiling. I see the bubbles, Mike. I think you are incorrect.

Hold on. Let me ask this question because I know the answer to this. How hot do you think a hot tub is, Jason? Okay, that's a good question. Do you know that answer already? It's too hot. Tell you know that answer already it's too hot tell me this tell me how to tell me this at what temperature does water boil 220 degrees okay that's a good problem i thought it was 212 i'm gonna guess 212 might be right i'm gonna guess that a hot water is... A hot water.

Go on. A hot tub. I'm just realizing how stupid I'm going to come off here. I'm going to guess 115 degrees. If you want to die. Yeah, you'll die there. Because it's too cold? Yeah, about 100 to 105 I think is normal.

Yes. Okay. I thought you were going to say 150, 160. Because it's too cold? Yeah, about 100 to 105, I think, is normal. Yes. Okay. So it's just a little spicy. I thought you were going to say 150, 160. No, because I know when you get in a pool. He was going to say that, so we shamed him. Yeah. So anyway.

I want to hear your story, Mike. It's a hot tub story? Yeah, it's a hot tub story. So back, this is a few years ago. You both know my youngest. He is the most rambunctious and the most rebellious of the right crew. Well, he was, I don't know, three or something. So we go, we're on family vacation and we're going down to the pool.

And the pool is a bit cold. And my youngest, he's a bit of a runner. He is a free spirit. He will do as he pleases. It's time to go. I say, we're getting out of the pool. Come on, bud. Let's go.

He runs off a couple times. He's running around the pool, and I'm like, dude, this is not safe. I finally corral him. The last time, though, he sneaks off, he runs, and he does a cannonball. This cannonball, unbeknownst to him, is into the jacuzzi. No. Yes. He thought it was a regular pool?

He thought it was because it was just water. We didn't let him go into it because he was way too young for a hot tub. And the look on his face is something I will never, ever forget. Just pure panic. I mean, he's in floaties. Like, this is how young he is. Just cannonballs right into the hot tub. Skin melts right off.

And just is freaking out. Wow. So, I was like, that's what you get, man. That's what you get. Anybody else in that hot tub? Then you throw them in the regular water. How cold is that? Anybody in the hot tub? There were some people in there.

So he cannonballed into an occupied hot tub. Wow. Did you guys used to do the hot tub into the pool? I am not surprised. Oh, absolutely. The hot tub into the pool. So you either had that or you had a friend who had that and you could do the back and forth?

Absolutely. I mean, how do you not do that? Well, did you ever hear the rumors that it was like, this is going to cause brain damage? That was one of the rumors when I was young. I have proof that it never did. I did it all the time. In my 150 degree hot tub. How can that cause brain?

I'm just telling you what the rumors were. But I'm not dunking my head under the hot tub. Is that part of it? You don't go head under when you're little? I don't go head under when I'm any size. I don't want my kids, like if they get in the hot tub, because we have one at our house, it's like 10 minute max, no heads under the water.

We didn't have those rules when we were little. Why would anybody want or choose to put their head under water in a hot tub? I can't believe you didn't go under the water. Kids just want to swim. My daughter, when she's in the hot tub, it's like a nightmare for her because it's like, sit still and enjoy the water. She's like, she just wants to swim. Al Borland, when you went in the hot tub as a young lad, did you go full submersion?

Yep. Yes. You're the weird one. Now I see why they correlate it with brain damage because Because stupid people did that, and they're like, well, they must have got it from the hot water. No, they had it before going under the hot water. That's why they went under the hot water. That's fine.

So do you have to have a conversation? I think we said yes. You have to at least acknowledge their existence. James is no. I think the reality is. I'll handle it. So my wife and I went on a staycation, and we wanted to go down to the hot tub and the pool area in general.

It was a heated pool. And there was like one person in it, and it was a small little area. Right. And we just waited a while. We're like, let's just wait until they're done, because they're like swimming laps. Did they ever get done? Freaking two hours later, they're still there. And we're like, well, we just we're going to go make best friends.

Not really. We just thought we're going to go down there. And we went down there and it's really, really awkward to get in. Like it was nighttime to pay. It was outside nighttime. And so it's like this kind of intimate. Kenny G playing romantic. And then it's like, but there's one person here that we're getting in the pool with.

We don't know him. It was super awkward. You're talking about the pool? Yeah. How small is this pool? Oh, yeah. Too small. Yeah.

It's a pool. I don't know why people. That's too small for three people? It's not that it's too small for three people. It's a pool. I don't know why people... That's too small for three people? It's not that it's too small for three people. It's that no one else... If there were five people there, it would have been fine, Mike. If there were five people and we're adding two people, that's fine, right? I just don't swim.

I mean, why go through the process of social interaction at this point? Did you think about... Do they have the lane dividers? No, they did not. This is not a big enough pool for a lane divider. That would be a real power move. If you had a lane divider and you just cut them off and said, this is my part of the pool.

Adam from the website, help me settle a marital dispute. There's nothing we know how to do better. It's our specialty. My wife dropped our bar of hand soap onto the floor. Liquid soap, Adam. Problem solved. She said, now we have a dirty bar of soap. But I said, now we have a clean spot on our floor.

Who is right? What if the answer is neither of you? How could it be neither? It could be both. I think no matter what, you have a cleaner spot on the floor. No matter what. So the bar of soap could be dirty, but you also have a cleaner spot. If it's a dry bar of soap.

What, is it dry? I assume so. And it just falls and clanks on the ground. Any antimicrobial things happening? Probably not. And is the soap really dirty? It's soap. When's the last time you used a bar of hand soap?

Well, that's what I was saying. 1989. 1989, Irish. When you're at a hotel and they have the bar of soap, how infuriating is that? Dang it. Yes, I would love to dry my skin out. Thank you very much.

Well, if you wash your body with the bar of soap, how many times does that slip out of your hands and you have to pick it up? The last time I used a bar of soap, it must have been 10 times where I'm like, whoop, goes, whoop. But, I mean, can soap really ever actually be dirty? Yes. Well, roll it in a, take a bar of soap, Mike. Go outside.

Okay. Throw it in a bunch of dirt. Now pick it up. Would you call that a bar of soap clean? It's going. Throw it in a bunch of dirt. Now pick it up. Would you call that a bar of soap clean? It's going to have dirt all over it. But more realistically, I don't remember the last time I threw a bar of soap in a sandbox, but

more realistically... 1987. I remember it. Is body hair. Right? Yes. Why is soap a magnet for body hair? I don't know. Probably because you use it by rubbing it all over your body hair. Right? Yes. Why is soap a magnet for body hair? I don't know. Probably because you use it by rubbing it all over your body hair.

That's my guess. But if you go to grab a bar of soap and there's hair on it, that's why I said yes. That is a dirty bar of soap. All right. It's a filthy bar of soap. It's disgusting. I need to now burn this bar of soap to cleanse it.

But I also think- But it's soap. There's a situation burn this bar of soap to cleanse it. But I also think... But it's soap. There's a situation where if a dry soap hits the ground, leaves a scuff of soap, wouldn't you clean that up? Wouldn't you take a paper towel and wipe it up? Yes. Yeah. You would.

So you don't do that if it's not dirty. Well, it could be messy and not dirty. Jason's thinking deep. Well, I want to give good marital advice here because i feel like the best marital advice we can give is somebody to be right and somebody to be wrong here yeah that's the best advice we need winners and losers we need a winner and a loser in this marriage and i think ultimately i'm picking that bar of soap up and i'm using it no big deal yeah that's that's how i feel if i have to one, I guess you have a cleaner spot on your floor.

Yeah, Adam, congratulations on your awesome floor. It is so clean. Al, do we have time for one more life advice question? We sure do. All right, good, because Senior Big Chest from Twitter has a question. Senior. What do you call that symbol above the N? Do you know what that's called

i think it's a tilde well that's a tilde if it's not on the tilde swinton it's called the it's a nice reference it's called the squiggly isn't that just a squaggle an accent it's not an accent i don't even know what to google a A tilde. What do you call the thing? Above a word. It would be a Spanish accent mark. Oh, boom. What? What? Flavico.

Flavico. What's it called? A Spanish accent mark. I called it an accent mark, and then you said it was a Spanish accent mark. I thought I was right. Did I boom too early? No, you were right. Okay.

It's got to have a name, though. Well, here's the question from this fine individual. Hold on. There's things talking about the tilde. I'm sorry. Sorry, go ahead. No, no, no, you're good. Good.

The tilde is a fundamental unit in written language that has several uses, and then they give the example of the N. But if you hit the tilde button on your keyboard, you're not going to get an N with a tilde on top of it. No, you have to hold down the in. Oh, really? Yeah. If you hold down those letters, then you can push one or two or whatever. What?

Yeah. No. What? What are you talking about? What sorcery is this? Yeah. Tell me what to hold down. Go to whatever, wherever you can type, and then hold the letter in down on your keyboard.

Okay. And then what do I do? And then eventually, it'll pop up right by your text saying what the other options are. You are 100% correct. Wait, what happened to the holding it down and then it just goes and and and and and and and and and and and that's what it used to be. Interesting.

Alright. It's true. When did we switch? Did we switch? Very nice. Nicely done, computer people. That's an upgrade. It is. Good for you, Mr. Gates. I am so sorry that I brought that up. Bill Gates did it. Single and wanting to start dating again. I work a weird shift, and I don't get to meet many people in person.

Could use some life advice on creating an online dating profile. Help me market myself. Ooh. Okay. All right. It's been a while. But we're still professionals here. Working're still professionals means they are on a vampire schedule right this means you're you're up at night sleep during the day um so the first

question i would ask is like how you know why is that important to this well because if they're thinking about dating maybe you've got to go the gothic route or the vamp right route hot topic i think he was just saying the shift thing because he doesn't get to meet people in person because of the shift well but you're not gonna i mean are you i would not be disclosing that like hi i'm michelle i work a weird shift like that's not how you make a lead on a on a dating profile but how could you date someone that has like the opposite like let's say you work nights and you sleep in the day can you date someone who then yes that's illegal it is totally allowed it's just not but but how's it what jason's saying is is correct isn't it your lifestyles will not mesh well let's let's put

it the other way around because i i'm gonna insist here that the point was simply that they need our help because they can't make the prof they they have to make a profile because they can't meet people you are correct and my advice and maybe it's different is to be honest is to be honest so that you can find someone with a matching schedule because otherwise imagine if you tried right now you know pretend you're single and you tried to date someone who every every evening i would change my schedule for the right person. Oh, so this is... But I don't want to eliminate them ahead of time. Right? So you're getting a new job. If I meet the right person, sure.

All right. How do you meet them? By filling out a dating profile where I'm not telling them that I'm not available during the day. I literally have never, ever filled out a dating profile. So I don't even know what questions are asked here. But it starts with you saying you're 6'3". Right. That's how we're starting.

I like it. With senior big chest. Well, people. Also, I hope you're 6'3". Or you need lifts. Right. You want tall, dark, and handsome. Yes.

That's what I've been told. So you say I'm 6'3". Great tan. I'm very handsome. That's the quintessential. That's what I've been told. So you say, I'm 6'3". Great tan. I'm very handsome. Great tan. And my mom says I'm a looker. My mom says I'm a looker. Tall, dark, and handsome.

I would not go with that one. Okay. Well, so there's two pieces of major advice here, right? Which picture of The Rock do you upload as your profile picture? One without his face. Ah. You crop it right at the chin right well look oh mr big chest if they if you put his face in it's going to be very clear that it's not you and then they can say i'm looking at your picture this is not you if it's just all the muscles you can say i had a real bad spinal accident seven years ago i've atrophied i've atrophied since that so you can either be on so i think i think at the very least we can establish that you either

have to be honest about your job or you need to find a new line of work right because you you're saying you would you'd find a new a new job for someone that's worth it. So maybe that's the real piece of advice here is quit your job. Ooh. If you want to date. Well, that would mean that they probably don't need to go online. They can just meet people in person. There are a lot of people that swear off online dating. Like my sister won't go that route no matter what.

No matter what. But I think that that might be synonymous with women not wanting to go that route, no matter what. No matter what. But I think that that might be synonymous with women not wanting to go that route. I don't blame them. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Our advice has been lie about yourself. Yeah, and there's like, what?

Probably like eight to one dudes out there trying to find a girl. It's why they let women into clubs for free. Also, I would not go with the handle Senior Big Chest. Yeah, that's a really good piece of advice. I would not use that one. No, I would not. I like it.

Go with Tilda Swinton. Yes. You're getting that Tilda in there still. So you still have the Tilda, but all right. Something's just that tilde in there still. So you still have the tilde, but all right. Something's just a little bit off today. Quit your job or date vampires. That's the advice here today. Sparewads, let's talk about our friends at Sunday.

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All right, what are we drafting today, Al? We are drafting items that you want in your newly acquired mansion. Yes. Yes. This is a real blank check scenario. Oh, yeah. Yeah, very much. So you've got your mansion. Sometimes I wonder about athletes,

right? Like Shaquille O'Neal. He has infinite money. I've heard his mansion is insane, extravagant. Have you seen his bed? Doesn't he have the 10-foot circular? He has a custom one-of-a-kind bed. He's the largest person you've ever seen in your life. I don't blame him. He surely does not fit on a regular-sized bed, but his bed is gigantic. Now, Mike, you have the first pick. I do.

Let me just bring something to light, though. One of the things I'm always curious about for these mansion situations is, are you going to enjoy doing something potentially by yourself you're not you know okay you let's just you can draft it if you want to all right but like a golf course right would you rather have a full golf course all by yourself i would or would you rather be able to go to a golf course i would invite friends to my golf course yeah that's in the cards because i that's true here's the thing i'm calling up senior big chest we're having a good time if i'm going by myself golfing in general that's that well one that's a nightmare because i'm bad at golf and and so it's bad in general but like my biggest fear while golfing is people coming up behind me

because i'm so slow and then i'm like, oh, I'm holding people up and yada yada. So if I am by myself, I would love to have my own personal golf course, but then I can also invite friends over. So yeah, I think I'm cool with that. All right, Mike, you're up first. I will take the one thing I've wanted since I was a child and I still want it to this very day.

I will have a video arcade. I will have an entire floor of my mansion dedicated to the video arcade old school 1980s style how many machines uh unlimited 50 50 50 everything if it doesn't have 50 and i don't have like 20 pinball machines, then what am I doing with my life? So you are not a social person necessarily because you said on the last episode, you said you have people over to your house? Correct. So if you have an arcade, are you sharing this experience with us? I'm happy to share.

What's great about the arcade is- But it's going to be quarters when we come over. Yeah, you don't play for free. He's going to monetize. They'll be the machine. You put your dollar in, you get your quarters out. But what's great about an arcade is it's actually a social place. I used to meet friends there, but it's also limited.

When we're playing the game, I'm not. Yeah, you're by yourself, sort of. I'm playing against somebody else. We're not really talking, you're by yourself, sort of. If I'm playing against somebody else, we're not really talking, but I'm also competing. The arcade fulfills so many of my deepest needs. I get that. That's what I want.

I get that. I get that a lot. But I was afraid because you said you wanted this since you were a kid. Right. And there's plenty of things kids just don't care about, the grown-ups that are on our list now. Right. But the one thing I wanted, I was worried you were going to take.

A milkshake machine. Milkshake room where all the floors are made of ice cream. No, although I did, side note here, I did always dream about a room that was a mattress. Like you open the door. So it's like a bounce house. The whole floor floor like just the carpet we have the technology i well i don't know that you do because i mean that's a big

mattress 15 mattress i think we could do it i think you bill gates elon musk they could get together they could do it they could make a mattress slightly bigger i think it would just be awesome it would be hard to put like dressers and stuff in there but but i mean just lay down anywhere you want to be awesome that's not my pick maybe fourth round and stuff in there but but i mean just lay down anywhere you want to be awesome that's not my pick maybe fourth round we'll see um but no i want a movie theater okay in my house because how often do we spend watching tv i'm you know i want to watch netflix on a movie theater size screen i'm going to play video games on a movie theater size screen we're talking full size not like a little nice little cinema room you know people have cinema rooms right where they've got

they're cute that's cute they've got their little projector and no i want a movie theater room in my house hooked up with all of the pluses you know i got apple plus a disney plus and netflix plus which i'm sure comes out next month. Boy, if you save and work hard, you can get those, Jay. Yeah. Well, but not in a movie theater. Not a movie theater. Right. So that's my number one thing.

I want a giant experience for all. Because I spent about a quarter of my life watching screens. That's fair. All right. I have to ask Al, because my number one pick, I mean, it's not going in the physical building. It's going in the yard. Is that... I think that's allowed. I actually am building

a full on... Of course. I try to set it up so that I can take it. I'm actually going to go with the go-kart track. Okay. I think like a full race. That's your number one pick? I don't know, man. Well, I don't think about these things.

To me, when I started thinking about it, I'm like, if I could walk outside my house, and I'm talking like- Oh, no. It's awesome. You know, like a huge race car track, like the cross between- I don't want to go in circles, but I don't want a go-kart track. You got any jumps on that track? Sure. Oh, man, that'd be awesome.

We could have some jumps. You're going to need some backup go-karts, though. Yeah, that's probably true. You're going to need a waiver. I feel like it would just be really, really fun to be able to go out back and race cars. That would be... That's what I'm thinking right now. That would be a lot of fun. Alright. Alright, so I have to pick another. You do. Okay.

Well. I was out at a go-kart. I. All right. So I have to pick another. You do. Okay. Well. I was out at a go-kart. I only had one thing I wanted. I got it. Go-karts. Here goes the golf course. No, I'm good. I'm good.

All right. Ever since Adam West, this was the dream. Oh, yeah. Yes, that's Batman. I want the secret hideout in the basement that I go down the pole. Yes. Or whatever the case may be. The fire pole.

The fire pole is on my list. I want the secret room that I go down the pole, and I have got a complete secret hideout. Nobody can get to me. Nobody can catch me. Now, hold on. I've got technologies down there. What is the actual? So you get the back end.

I've got all the pluses down there i got apple plus and google me too that's so good but what is the actual pick here so is it the pick is a bat cave a superhero hideout okay okay all right here's here's my problem with your uh fire pole or you know like when you said like a secret room, that's on my list. But I want something. I want like the pull the book, you know, on the library. Yeah, I mean, I don't care how you get to the hideout. It needs to be a unique, fun way.

To me, I was remembering the Adam West Batman and literally him going down the fire pole. And somehow his back. Oh, it changes you on the way down. Yeah, he changed into like his uniforms on. Yeah, because he's Batman. How annoying would that be if you forgot something down in the Batcave and you're like, I need to go down there and grab my keys. Oh, I put the uniform back on.

I'm Batman now. Clearly, you did not watch enough Batman because- What, does he climb back up the pole and it takes it off? Because he had a rocket power thing that would bring him up and change him back into Bruce Wayne. For real? Yes. You need to catch up on your old school Batman. I am not catching up on Adam West.

Being eight years old was a long time ago, but I'm going to go with Secret Hideout, Superhero Hideout. Okay. Alright. Look, that's really, really cool. The arcade room is pretty neat. The go-kart thing is cool. Some say the best. I'm going practical.

Just like I already did with the movie theater room. Because if I'm on Realtor.com, I'm looking at just just like I already did with the movie theater room like I because if I'm if I'm on realtor.com I'm looking at these super mansions and I think what do I really care about and what am I what is my mansion gonna have the best of I want a super oversized chef's kitchen that's I want like the kitchen's the heart of the home and I want, you know, just a massive, you know, those refrigerators that are like what refrigerator. Right. Until you open your cabinets.

You can't even see it. Yeah. It's a 15 foot refrigerator. The pantry that's like has one acre inside the pantry. The island bar area where I can. Put all your Postmates. Put all my Postmates up there. In your giant kitchen that will never be used. How dare you?

We have a giant family over on Thanksgiving, Mike, and probably Christmas when we have this mansion. So at least twice a year, we're rocking that. But I mean, giant parties in the kitchen. I'm going oversized chef's kitchen in my mansion,

which means just putting this out there. You guys don't have an oversized chef kitchen in your house. I drafted that. That's mine. I got a pretty nice one, though. I've got a really tiny table for all of my postmates. Everything is okay. All right.

I got two picks here. I've got one that I want for sure. So I'll just start with that While I try and stall for time And figure out my second one But I will take the indoor swimming pool It's on my list Have you ever gotten to use one?

Only at hotels where they're so chlorinated I would not want to go in it I was wondering about the indoor swimming pool Whether I like being outside when I swim I feel like that's a feature It is But you can't use that in the winter right like there's even though it's is death's hot it's definitely hot in arizona there's still only a couple months out of the year when you can use the pool but if you can use the pool all the time well what you do is you have a complete glass roof

though in the entire in that room you're in a dome that's completely glass. So the sun's coming through, but it's temperature controlled. I mean, really, you want an indoor-outdoor pool. Oh, you want the dome with the retractable roof? No, it doesn't have to be retractable. It's just so that you can swim outside. Oh, that's kind of cool. Very cool.

That would be the crucial way to go about it. Not what you drafted. You drafted indoor. I just said it. I didn't ask for an amendment. He has the coolest pool possible. That's true. Oh, crap.

So now you've stalled a little bit. I didn't stall long enough. The problem with stalling on your own pick is that you're talking. You know, that's the issue. I always think I can do that, but then at the end when I go, okay, now it's time for my next pick, I realize I didn't put any thought in. I've got two that I want back to me.

I'm ready to go. I've got a few that I wanted, and I'm going to go with this. And this is why I really needed Andy to clarify your pick. Okay. So you went with a superhero hideout. Yeah. I want hidden passages. Is that different enough?

Yes, it is. Absolutely. I think it's cool? Yes, it is. Absolutely. I think it's cool. Yeah, it's very cool. While you get to go down your pole, I have bookcases everywhere where I get to pull. I slide one book out. You're sneaking around. No one will ever find me in my own house. Here's a little peek into our past.

When we go to these conferences, sometimes, occasionally occasionally we are talking to people that we don't necessarily want to talk to and mike will it's becoming more common mike will find perfected it that's why he will find a way to what we call smoke bomb he will throw a pretend smoke sometimes actually throw a pretend smoke bomb down sometimes Sometimes I do. And sometimes announce smoke bomb. Sometimes you literally say smoke bomb. And then he disappears from the conversation, leaving it to Jason or I to finish. So I imagine these secret passageways.

You look up and I'm not there anymore. You're just going to be gone. You're in the kitchen talking to your wife. She's still talking. She turns around. Smoke bomb. Yeah, you can have that secret passages. I like that.

So you have a video arcade, indoor swimming pool, and some hidden passages. Yes. turns around yeah smoke bomb yeah you can have that secret secret passages i like that so you have a video arcade indoor swimming pool and some hidden passages yes jason has a movie theater an oversized chef's kitchen and then he's got another pick and it's right here and i've given him some real good lead time jason must love cooking uh look i love a bit i love eating okay and the fridge needs to be large enough for all my leftovers. Okay, so there's a couple things that I want here, but the reality is I think there's one clear one where if I were to have my super mansion and I don't have this, then I'm going to have to put one in.

I want to move in with it ready. That's the full court basketball. Yep. LED lights. Yep. I've also got the markings on the court for. Yep. LED lights. Yep. I've also got the markings on the court for pickleball. You better know that. Oh, yeah.

Hold on, hold on. Lots of LED lights. So do you want a basketball court or do you want a multi-use court? I want a, well, I mean, I could call it a multi-use court, but that's just stupid. Yeah. Indoor basketball court? Yeah, sure. An indoor basketball court.

All right. An indoor basketball court would be the best thing in the world. It would be pretty awesome. Pretty awesome. It would be cool. It was, I played some basketball out in the backyard yesterday and the day before, because it was the two days of the year that it was beautiful. I was like, man, if I could do this every day, that'd be pretty cool.

Indoor. And you could. I'd be so fit. It's like an indoor swimming pool. And you want to know whose house the three of us would be at every single day, even though we all have awesome mansions? My house, playing pickleball, and you know it. Yes, I would be playing pickleball, but not basketball.

I am going to pick my final two picks. I have a go-kart track and a superhero hideout. But I'm going to pick two things that have nothing to do with one another, but two things that are required for my home the first one is going to be the most extravagant the most uh beautiful library okay it's fair and part of that is not because i want to read yeah you want to look like you read. I gotcha. I just want the library room, the study room that I can retreat to,

to read, to think, to sip a drink, to invite some colleagues in to have a conversation. The romanticized famous author's library. The real tall ceiling. It's probably got two stories. It's got a spiral staircase. But you can't get to the top bookshelves. There's not just like, you know what I'm talking about?

There's no ladder long enough to possibly reach the books. And everybody that comes in wonders, how does he get those? How does he get the books from that spot? That just seems like something you could never have in a normal house. It's a wasted space. Yeah. A library is a wasted space but if you got a mansion then it's you got to find a way to take up space and then it wouldn't

be on brand without completing my mansion with the most perfect complement to a just sophisticated library and that is a full-on ice cream shop oh okay i need a full-on ice cream shop fill in your favorite baskin robbins cold stone creamery doesn't matter but it's fully staffed all the ice cream shop. I need a full-on ice cream shop. Fill in your favorite. Baskin Robbins, Cold Stone Creamery, doesn't matter. But it's fully staffed all the time. And let me tell you something. They're not as bored as you think they are because I'm coming in that shop a lot.

Oh, I don't think they're bored at all. They have books. They get all the books. So I need an ice cream shop in my home. So I've got a go-kart track, a superhero hideout, a huge library, and a gourmet ice cream shop uh in my home so okay so i've got a go-kart track a superhero hideout a huge library and a gourmet ice cream shop all right so this is tough here because i i've got three things that i'm really debating between i'm gonna throw one away i'm not are any of them a gym uh a home gym is on my list a home gym if you had a real gym at home it would be awesome yeah i mean i'm not saying another

just another area for you to not use right but what i love with your kitchen i feel like there's there's enough homes that you ever you know half of people out there have a home gym not like you would have in a mansion though sure i mean it's like check out my home gym and they got their 1987 nordic track. Yes. You want to sweat to the oldies? I thought about going with a replica oval office. I think that would be awesome. Oh, my gosh.

Just a straight up like in my head. How do you not take that? That's where I do work. You got the flags. You got the round doors that open. Oh, my gosh. Man, I think I'm gonna have to go that really good pick it's a good pick your home office is a recreated oval office yes and I want really good I want to be able to find his way out of the room up in there are you stuck in

there where's the corner the carpet is the same a complete perfect replica are you wearing a suit into that office well it's like the bat cave as soon as i walk through the door the suit comes on that's a spectacular pic unexpected very good i love it all right you've had a lot of time now no no i i know i haven't narrowed down and it's like yeah whatever i'll just take the one that i would actually really want my house if you follow I've had a lot of time now. No, no, no. I know I haven't narrowed down, and it's like, yeah, whatever. I'll just take the one that I would actually really want in my house. If you follow me on Twitter, which you should really follow. Oh, this is a shoe room?

That would be awesome, but that's not what I want. You should really follow us. I will take an aviary. Oh, really? Really? I would. Like, while you want to go in your library, you want to go in the Oval Office, I want to go in a giant aviary full of all kinds of birds.

You love listening to birds. All kinds of birds and just sitting there. Wow. Getting pooped on. Well, I may have an umbrella. Jason, they have ways to not get pooped on. We thought about putting one in, not a grand one. Like a small one in our house.

Outside our house, not in her house. Right. But that would be pretty cool. My aunt had this really cool, and she's got this condo, and right in the middle is an indoor aviary. Oh, that's spectacular. It's outdoor. Right.

Like the middle of it is open. Oh, that's cool. That's pretty neat. All right. I have a question for Al Borland here. Mike has a video arcade, an indoor swimming pool, hidden passages, and an aviary. Jason has a video arcade, an indoor swimming pool, hidden passages, and an aviary. Jason has a movie theater, an oversized chef's kitchen,

indoor basketball court, and a replica oval office. I've got a go-kart track, a superhero hideout, a huge library, and a gourmet ice cream shop. Where do you want to live? Good question. I've got to have that pickleball court in my house. Yes. All right. Yeah. Just remember, you're going in to talk to the president whenball court in my house. Yes. All right.

Yeah. Just remember, you're going in to talk to the president when you want to use it. And you must refer to me as Mr. President. When you're in that room? Absolutely. Or all the time? Well, all the time. That's fine.

It's funny. You talked about the golf course. But on my short list, I have the bowling alley. Yep. Which is, I feel like that's kind of like a go-to. Yeah. But would be pretty awesome. But I didn't want an actual golf course, but the golf simulator,

if you had an actual room where you go and you hit it against the screen, that would be pretty sweet. I would rather have like the Topgolf wing. You know what I mean? Like you just go out and there's an open room, no screen. Right. But it's just a driving range that's like you're up a couple stories. We could both have have top golfs

in our adjacent mansions and we hit the balls back and forth right at each other i love it i had a paintball course oh that's nice i thought it would be cool to go outside and shoot each other so i wrote down acreage because i just you know what i mean like i don't want a ranch well i i want well and my next one was a mountain view. Wait, is the acres in the mansion or outside of the mansion? Oh, I would love. The first indoor cornfield. What is your square footage? One and a quarter acres. No, the square footage of the house.

One and a quarter acres. I measure my square feet in acreage. But also the mountain view. I want this mountain is where my mansion is, and it's my mountain. It's like Steven from Braveheart. It's my island. That'd be pretty cool. My final one was a hedge maze. I actually had that

on my list. Did you? I did. An actual hedge maze. Because what else are you going to have a chance to get one of those? Yeah, I don't know. It'd be pretty awesome. When would you use it? It's for guests. It's 100% for guests. Let's go through the guests. Check out my... Let's go through the gardens.

Who wouldn't want to give a tour of the gardens? There's something I want to show you. Come with me. And then he gets... Meet me in the back. He gets halfway through to where his hidden passages... Yes. And boom, he's gone.

Yeah. And then he's got cameras to watch how long does it take them to get out of the center of this maze. What's this fireman's pole doing here in the middle of this? I've got six people trapped back there. If you get out? Then you live. Then you live.

All right. What did we learn today? I don't know what I learned today. I really don't. I learned, I think, what a Spanish accent... Yeah. Keystroke? Keystroke is.

How to use that. I learned that if you want to date and you have bad hours, quit your job. That's true. I learned that maybe a bar of soap actually can get dirty. Oh, hair. Disgusting. Yes. Unspeakable body hair jokes on you jason you

have al borland living at your house now congrats well then those are feathers on my bar of soap thank you for tuning in we'll see you next week goodbye are up to check out spitballers pod.com