Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Disposable Bicycles and the Best Fast Food Menu Items - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

Spit Hit for September 30, 2021: Would you rather always talk like a toddler or walk everywhere like you’re in a marching band? Would you rather have to start every conversation with a joke or an interesting science fact? We also find out Andy’s methods for solving a flat bicycle tire. Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey Spitwads, this is producer Al Borland here to introduce another great spit hit for you today. On this show we talk about being on a reality TV show, competing in a team triathlon, and bunkering down during a zombie apocalypse. And then prepare your taste buds because we close this show down with a draft of the best fast food menu items. Enjoy this week's spit hit. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. oh man that was that was a textbook definition of a man who's like, this is terrible, so I'm just going to keep going and going. You delayed it? Maybe it will be awesome by the end of it,

but it was terrible. If I could have muted the end of it, I would have. When do we stop this bit? What bit? Well, my point is... The show? We're never stopping. When are we stopping this? You can just do a normal sketch.

You don't have to be inventive every time. Yeah, I don't think it's true. The iPhone came out. It was really cool. They don't invent a brand new iPhone every time. They just iterate a little bit, a little skeet, a little scat, a little boop, a little bat. You guys are we call it? You're up next week.

I was gonna say, or Mike and I can just handle it. Yeah, that's perfectly fine. If you're still with us, thank you. Thank you so much for enduring. We have a great show today. Would you rather? That's a great question. A fun draft on the episode.

You heard it at the top of the show. We've got a brand new Patreon set up. Patreon.com slash Spitballers. You can also find it at SpitballersPod.com. Become an official member of the Spit... Become an official Spitwad. Patreon.com slash Spitballers. You can also find it at Spitballerspod.com. Become an official member of the Spit... Become an official Spitwad. Yeah. Like you dreamed about when you were a

child. Mama always said when you grow up, if you're gonna do one thing... Do one thing. Make sure it's support the Spitballers podcast. You can find us over on Twitter at Spitballers pod, Instagram and elsewhere,

Facebook, YouTube. We appreciate all of your support and your reviews. You guys, Mike has something to say. I do. Well, I mean,

the beginning of a show is usually where you put news and ladies and gentlemen, there are some sensational new segments that will be joining the Spitballers podcast in future episodes. I call liar, liar. Pants on fire, Mike. Foreshadowing. We do. We have some new segment ideas.

Al Borland, hard at work, mentally coming up with. That's him drilling them together that's because that's how you make podcast segments with power tools yes you do let's get into it would you rather all right ricky ricky for twitter he almost got a spit take from me because i hadn't read the question. I haven't read it yet. I just did. Would you rather always sound like you're going through puberty or always walk like you are in a marching band?

That's good. Now, which I'm going to throw this to Al Borland. Many, many people don't know this because we don't allow Al Borland to talk about himself. Al Borland was a band nerd. He was a card-carrying member of the marching band. Oh, really? Now, Al Borland, in the marching band, does everyone have the same march, or do the people at the front have a bit of a different march?

If you're doing it right, everybody should have the same march. Okay, because in my head, I'm picturing the music man. Are they the most proud at the front? The drum majors, I guess, they do usually have a higher step. It's a little more gusto to it, right? Yeah. Okay. And that's just so I can visualize this, right?

That's the full knee high. Every step is like a... I believe your arms would be up too, right? Your arms are up holding your instrument. Your upper body is actually not moving. Right. It's all in the legs. But it's like really high knees, right? Your arms are up holding your instrument. Your upper body is actually not moving. It's all in the leg. But it's like really high knees, right? Medium knees. Al Borland, we need the expert in here. There's just a

strong cadence to it. Yeah, I mean, as a member of a marching band, not a drum major or conductor, you're not real high knees. You're just marching times. Oh, see, I thought it was like full 90 degree angle with the hip into the leg. Would you enjoy, like if you were walking into a Starbucks and out of a Starbucks, would you feel real proud with the marching band walk?

Not at all. Okay. So the other option is to go, you sound like you're always going through puberty. Oh, man. Now, I can speak and testify to the fact that before I went through puberty, I tried to sound like I had the deep voice. Oh, no, you imitated it? There was a couple years.

I was a late bloomer, and there were a couple years where... Hey, this is really my normal voice now. If I spoke publicly, like in a group, I felt like I had to make my voice a little bit deeper because I was so... Ladies and gentlemen. You can laugh at me now, but it sucked.

I mean, as a child... You were a very... No, we all lived that life. I was like, you can laugh at me now, but it sucked. I mean, as a child, you were a very we all lived that life. I was a Andy was a late bloomer. You know, there's never seen Indian in the cupboard. That's how big I was. It was so it's so weird. I was real small. You were the size of an action figure. You have no idea how correct that is.

I went to high school with him. I was a junior when he was a freshman. And I was a kindergart junior when he was a freshman. And I was a kindergartner when I was a freshman. And Andy, how tall are you now? You're six, two, six, three. I think you're six, three. He's the tallest. The most common thing that we get when we do our live shows and we see fans, they are always, oh, you're taller than I thought. They always say that. Yes, they do. And what's crazy is that in high school, you were literally the shortest person. We had 4,000 people at our high school.

I can't remember someone shorter than you. I was real little. And everybody would tell me, you're going to get tall one day. And I said, don't care. I don't believe. Want to be tall now. I believe you said, I don't care. I don't believe.

So the puberty thing will be abrasive every new conversation you have. You will, 100% of the time, people will think you're saying something to them in one way, and it will come out, hey, hey, I get a caramel. Let's just keep the Starbucks example. You're either marching in for your Vinte Latte Frappuccino. You're the character from The Simpsons. Or, hey, Vente Margarita. Well, it's not that frequent.

I mean, I guess there's the some people. Yeah. Oh, man. They happen a lot when your voice is transitioning. Guys, I'm very distracted because all I can picture is the video from the music man of 76 Trombones because the people at the front of this marching band, they are giving extra. So I'm imagining myself just going to town and you know what? It would be awesome. If you were this person and you could live in this life of such jubilation that no matter

where you're going, you are strutting, it could be a... So you want the strut. Not only am I taking the marching band, I'm taking the man who is extra at the front, and he is the leader of this group. You're stealing the show.

There is no show. At least with the puberty one, everything can be normal if you don't speak. And the other one, how long is your wife going to give up on the walks or the like, let's go to the mall. Let's go to Disneyland. You're walking around Disneyland. Oh, my gosh. 100% of the time.

People were saying strut. I actually think Disneyland would be fine because you're walking around like i am at disneyland a funny aside true story uh i'm hiding when i walk no no about disneyland uh one year i don't remember if if alborn was on this trip or not but we i traveled with a choir. I was part of the band. And part of the trip is the reward is you get to go to Disneyland. You went to California. You put in all the hard work of singing and playing the music. You end up at Disneyland. Freakstorm out of absolutely nowhere.

It's now freezing at Disneyland, which no one was expecting. And for some reason, because we're buffoons and this is what we did when we were kids the three of us in the band we all had bathrobes and we decided we're gonna wear our bathrobes to disneyland which says a lot about who we are as people but the what we didn't realize is everyone we would encounter believed we were working for disney so we became an attraction that people wanted to take their photo with these three bizarre young gentlemen all wearing matching blue bath robes so that's a pro as if you were like a character or something we were we were straight to lean in you have a you might as well wear the the high button up uh

look like you're part of the- The uni? The Revolutionary War or something. Just give me one of those hats. The marching band hat is where it is at. Official vote, then you're strutting, Jason. Oh, yes. I will strut with the best of them.

I don't know if you know this. I do podcasts for a living. Yeah, for a living. And I think that this would not be helpful for the downloads. You're maturing. I'm going to be a man soon. Here's a new question. Would you rather be a competitor on a reality show,

so things like Survivor, Big Brother, or a competitor on a game show, Wheel of Fortune, Price is Right, et cetera? I have this great fear that even if i was like mike we talk about uh price is right oh you've got like jeopardy out there you've got these other game shows i am so worried that my brain will not function properly when it will not to it will not and i won't be able to recall i'm not worried about not recalling a complex question and failing i'm worried about being the guy on who wants to be a millionaire that bombs question one what's closer the sun or the moon yes yes and then i start

getting in my own head uh the sun i do a 50 50 and phone a friend and i still pick the wrong thing this is the first question the shame i'm worried about the panic moment of not recalling. That's not really your final answer, correct? But then I'm worried about being... Are you sure? I wouldn't be so sure, but how do you feel? But being voted out first on Survivor would suck too. Yeah, well, the thing about the game show, I guess if you're the first out on the reality show,

it throws a wrench in this argument. The game show life, like Price is Right, I mean, people spend a lot of time trying to get on this show. One, you have to make it into the studio audience. Second, you have to actually get picked. And then when you do, your time in the spotlight is very minimal. Those Price is Right games last sometimes two minutes or less. But if you're on Big Brother or Survivor,

you're getting some good camera time. You're letting America know. You're wearing your Spitballers t-shirt every day. You're letting America know I'm the next superstar. Have you guys seen this documentary about the Price is Right guy? Of course I've seen it. The perfect bid. The perfect bid. So there's this guy. I've seen it the perfect bid the perfect bid so

there's this guy i've seen it as well we've all seen it okay it's fantastic it is awful no it's awful it's the worst so here catch people up if you haven't seen it there's this guy who dedicated his life to basically learning every single item that's on price is right exactly how much its value is because they would recycle and bring back the same items so he knew the exact price of almost every single bid he would go there he was he tried to get on the show like 26 times finally gets on knows all the answers helps other people to get the answers a documentary is made about him because he spent 30 years of his life dedicated to Price is Right at the end of all of it including them undoing a rule after 20 years of he can be back on the show he walked away from the Price is Right with $1,000 like that was it that was my takeaway it was like I couldn't

wait for the big reveal what I'm saying it's awesome I wasn't referring for the big reveal. What I'm saying, it's awesome. I wasn't referring to the challenge or the life goals. The documentary itself is very enjoyable. If you go on Survivor and you don't win, you just blew like two months of your life. Like it's gone. You're famous, aren't you? No, you're not famous. You're the loser. You're the loser.

You got to go into lockdown. Full lockdown. They sequester you. You've got all these months you spent going to this island. And you smell like a butt when you leave that island. Did Omarosa, is that her name? Did she ever win? I don't know who you're talking about.

I don't know. That was the... You're fired. I can't even think of the name of the show now. But I mean, I guess she won because she became... Talking about The Apprentice? Yes, thank you. So she...

So famous that I don't remember her. Whatever. But she... I mean, she got a... I feel like she got work because of the show. Yeah. So I'm going to go... Because I'm such a Survivor fan, I will go on the reality show.

I want to experience what I've watched for 20 years or whatever it is and see what i can do i feel like it's a better challenge than catching the wrong question on a game show i can't wait for andy when he has to do the confessional he's talking to the camera i've made a huge mistake there's spiders everywhere i thought i could do this i'm going i'm gonna i'm going to pick the reality show as well because... Which one are you going on? Oh, man. If I were to pick The Biggest Loser... Yes.

I might not win, but I want that personal training on the fat farm, whatever they call it. Oh, wait, what? I've never watched it. You go to this place where you are... That's what they call it? Probably not. Okay, all this place. That's what they call it? Probably not. Okay, all right. But it's awesome.

I want to go to that place where they're like secluded. No, you don't. No, you don't. Exceptionally, you want the results of it. I want to be forced to go to that place. That's what I would be. I've made a huge mistake. I'm going on Price is Right, man.

There you go. That would fulfill a dream of yours. It would. If I could pick one show, it would I've made a huge mistake. I'm going on Price is Right, man. There you go. Yeah, that would fulfill a dream of yours. It would. If I could pick one show, it would actually probably be a game show. I would love to play the Family Feud. That game. Yeah. We got to get the footballers with Borland.

Because you need five, right? Yeah. And the spitballers. Brooks can come. With Borland and Giamatti, the two producers. Well, I mean, we should be on the celebrity version, right? That's what I'm talking about. We're not a family.

There are dozens and dozens of people who listen to this show. They're called spitballers. All right. Big pun on Twitter. Since in this Would You Rather question, would you rather have to start every conversation with a joke or have to start every conversation with an interesting science fact? Science fact for sure. Oh, it's got to be the joke with an interesting science fact. Science fact for sure. Oh, it's got to be the joke. No, science fact.

Look, I know it's going to be annoying to people, but that means I know so much about science. See, that's the issue. Welcome to McDonald's. By the way, did you know that about half your body is made of bacteria? Yeah, I will take a quarter pounder. If you lived on mercury you would actually weigh 35 pounds now i hate you no i mean that's what this by you taking the science fact that

means oh that guy you know what i mean but if every time you came up you told me a joke and i was like oh that's a good one i would you okay well first of, every science fact is great. Not every joke is remotely good. That's true. That is true. As one who throws out many jokes that don't land. Do you have to laugh at your joke? Oh, yeah, that's true. Well, if your joke doesn't land, you're forced to.

There's no question. You've got to laugh at your own joke. I don't think either person is going to be married oh no or have friends the joke person is going to be the science person is going to be beloved yeah this is science versus jokes hey jason how you doing did you know a single solar flare can release the equivalent energy of millions of 100 megaton bombs yeah that, that sounds awesome. Meanwhile, here comes Jason with his, why'd the chicken cross the road? Knock, knock. Oh, man.

You know how many things you're going to open with a knock, knock joke, and you're just going to get punched in the face? I don't. Now, here's the thing. If I were to say knock, knock to you, and you punched me in the face, I don't want to be your friend,

and that's fine. Friendship is over. I would never punch someone in the face for saying knock, knock. Well, it's the every conversation, and we're around you the most. Yeah, this is to be your friend. And that's fine. Friendship is over. I would never punch someone in the face for saying. Well, it's the every conversation. And we're around you the most. Yeah, this is not just your friends. How many times a day do we start a conversation? Let me throw this out there.

If you're a funny person, you can make these jokes enjoyable even when they're bad. A la Mike. Right? We enjoy your jokes even though sometimes and so i think that i will not annoy you i think you will have a great time and it's always a conversation starter i'm i'm the jokester i'm taking the jokes you're taking science mike absolutely you're gonna be the science factoid guy i will be friends with both of you simultaneously and it will balance out i'm trying to find a a situation in my life where if you start the conversation a science fact would just you can't find something

relatable to this person or this conversation but there are going to be many many times where opening with a joke is not going to be appropriate that's true that's true you every conversation you have at the go to the funeral yeah let's let's modify it just a little bit how about you have instead of a joke it's all knock-knock jokes all the time oh and then the other side of it is all your science facts are depressing oh they're all they're all debbie downer facts or it's all knock-knock jokes does it change your the hole in the ozone over Australia is rapidly growing at a rate of five inches a year. That's right.

That's right. The pollution, once again. There is no way you're going to get me off the jokes. The 10-year trend of Los Angeles pollution. You're on knock-knock jokes? I'm on knock-knock jokes. All right. I will go with science facts.

And the only reason I will do that is because when I say a joke that doesn't land, I hate that feeling. I hate that embarrassment for the moment. So let's go ahead and get into some questions. All right, Spitwads. Look, if you've got a small business, there is nothing more valuable than your time. That is something we have learned here at the Spitballers podcast,

at the Footballers podcast. I don't like wasting time, Al. It makes me angry. Okay? Time is valuable. That's why I use Stamps.com. That's why we've used them for years. We send out all of our fan mail.

We've just depended on them and depended on the fact that I don't have to drive to the stinking post office. Al doesn't have to go to the post office. He can be focused on getting us food instead. Look, since 1998, Stamps.com has been an indispensable tool for nearly 1 million businesses. What do you need? You need your computer. You need a printer. That's it.

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never go to the post office again that's a great question all right guys what what has no four wheels and flies oh no four wheels and flies i don't know a garbage truck oh yeah we're best friends oh it's funny ish it's kind of funny it took me a second it's got flies all around it yeah yeah it's dumb that woof macy from twitter has a great question guys let's debate it during a zombie apocalypse which uh we're all very familiar with. What is the very best place to bunker down? I think we've seen so many post-apocalyptic zombie movies, and we always question the decisions made by the parties involved. What is the best place to hunker down? So the first thing that comes to my mind is Costco.

You got like a big warehouse. You've brought this up before. This is the first time that comes to my mind is costco you got like a big warehouse you've brought this up before this is the first time i've heard that you're a dawn of the dead person you have to be prepared where what you're finding a place where it's it's full of resources but it's it's not secure in the slightest and you feel confident that you could secure that place there's still even despite the size there's still only a few entrances right you've got the front doors which are large i gotta i gotta seal that down right you've got the back entryway for loading whatever docks or whatever and probably an exit door here or there and the hundreds of people who also had the same idea i need to go hunker down at the the

costco and they're going to be trying to get in with the zombies. And I will say, you were second. I got here first. The food and then potential weaponry at a Costco is great, but you're right. The human versus human situation. We've done the drafts before where you're stuck in an office supply store or a Home Depot or something, and it gets dangerous.

I mean, what do you think is more of the... Now, do zombies swim? See, that's... Or do they just walk, but then they walk on the ground? I think they just walk underwater. Well, can't you... They can't, because they'd float. Yeah, there's floating.

I mean... They would float over to you, because they're not going to drown. How will they get to you? It depends on the tides, man. It depends on the tides, man. It depends on the tide. So let's say the tide is going out. Great.

You're safe. But it changes. And now it's coming in. And now you got some zombies on your shore. Put me in a prison. Put me in Alcatraz. Alcatraz was my first thought. I was thinking about it. But then here's the problem with Alcatraz.

Resources. You have the complete opposite problem. You're safe, but you do not have resources yeah you don't you can't in fact you just die there so very quickly you won't eat me i will starve we will eat ourselves so what do you think is honor party what do you think is more important the security or the resources like if you have to pick one of those two i believe now are we traditional zombies here? I mean, this question is a multifaceted.

Oh, that's great. Walkers or runners? The thing is, if they're walkers. Walkers, okay. If they're walkers, I feel like the resources are more important, and I can devise enough of a defensive, and maybe I'm wrong. I'll find out quickly if they eat me. But I feel like you can devise a few things to stop

the walkers from getting to you so I would want the resources I want to be able to survive and have a system of life where okay they can get in over here but I've got a fence they can get in over here but I've got a you know man they're so stupid I mean it's I guess you gotta

take a chance to put the resources I feel like you could stand at a wall with a with a spear and just knock them all out until they're off the earth 100 you can you can take care of the zombies no problem the if as long as you have a secure fence true but it's it's the human element the human element is is is really the problem with one another i want to see this take place place at one of those monk establishments at the top of the mountain where there's just this super long staircase. Oh, and the zombies have to climb the staircase?

And then you just give them a kick. You go, everyone loves a slinky. And they just tumble down, causing a massive... And that's just your job, is you stand up at the top. I believe that's called the Zlinky, Jason. Oh, the Zlinky. Oh. The Zlinky. The Zlinky.

Everyone loves the Zlinky. Wait, isn't that the name of the character in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? Wayne Zielinski. Oh. We've gotten 16 levels deep. I was thinking of Zielinski auto parts. Oh. From Tommy Boy?

Yeah. Auto parts. Here's the thing. Let's see how long this train can go. I'm picturing these poor zombies. Now, they don't have emotions, feelings, hearts. They don't have anything. But I feel bad for them going up this mountain just to get kicked down it.

That's a good place to be. I have no empathy for the undead. You feel bad for the zombies? You poor guys. Let's put it this way. You're not lasting very long. If that staircase takes them a week

to get up. Here's a finger. I like your idea. Go to the top of a monastery. They grow food up there, right? I don't know. Yeah, they're famous for their veggies.

Alright, Big Mike from Twitter. If you had three, or I'm sorry, if you three had to do a team triathlon together, who would do the running, who would do the biking, and who would do the swimming? Ooh, yes! Let's examine this, because

you know, you can only do one. I can rule myself out of one of these. Okay. I'm not doing the running. That's off the table. It's just not. Are you an endurance athlete, Mike? Do I look like an endurance athlete?

So one of us is stuck with running. That's what Jason just said. I don't think so. I think you are stuck with running. You've got the long legs, man. Yeah, the good stride. And Andy, you're just such a good runner. Thanks. So I've got the running.

Look, Jason and I were just talking about Andy's running. It's just unbelievable. I've never seen a run quite like Andy's run. I was talking to my wife about... I love it when I'm compared to you guys because I am great at things all of a sudden. One day I can run like Andy. wife about i love it when i'm compared to you guys because i am great at things all of a sudden one day i can run like andy but i mean because of how great of a runner you are you get running you got you think you can handle endurance swimming 100 endurance do you know this is a guy who just

recently took up swimming a couple of laps in his play pool and now you can you can handle endurance swimming i could swim the english channel but the point here is less about uh my incredible swimming ability and more about the fact that my body weighs less in water than on land and that sounds like an interesting science fact jason oh shoot dang it um knock knock who's there doesn't sharks i believe sharks who i believe uh fat floats that's true so that's also true i will be doing the thing where i lay on my back i was gonna say if anything can save me it's my my back float so you do it you go on full biker shorts well i was i look i'm not afraid of the biker shorts i'm a rocket yeah but i just felt like jason had more protective more protection from the the bike seats yes yes the the dairy air if you're biking you're not on that seat oh you're really cruising are you

into like one of those uh retirement cruisers no biking? No, you're on a speed bike. You're up off the seat. No, you're sitting on the seat. You're only up off the seat if you're climbing a mountain. You are pat... You're on the seat, man. Borland. I think you're going to be on the seat a lot.

That's right. And the seat... You get out of the saddle when you're climbing. All right. Oh, the saddle. I guess we know who's biking out Borland. Oh, it's the saddle. calling things by the correct name and the seat is like a razor blade just right to the grundle area i have searched and jason could protect himself with his his voluptuous butt cheeks wow it is called the bicycle saddle

what you questioned it of course he's a mountain biker. Here's the thing. I think I would like biking, but I have bought a bike many times. How many times does one need to buy a bike before you realize this isn't for me? Because everybody wants to be a biker. Everybody wants to be a biker. No, honestly, the truth is I like a pop a tire and then the bike's done. This bike is ruined. But I've bought a ton of seats, all sorts of seats.

I wish you could just replace the tire, but you got to. If only I would be a biker. It seems like so much work. But the thing is, is the bike seats, they're all these different kinds and all of them, all of them hurt. Now, Orland, you uh had an extensive track record on saddles um are there any ones that are actually comfortable are 100 of them going to destroy your undercarriage uh pretty close to 100 yeah i've yet to find i always wore the the padded undies

oh is that the trick you double up you go you go padded seat, padded undie. I do that already, just for life. Just for sitting. That reminded me of, you know when you fly, or at least it used to be this way, because I haven't seen them lately, the SkyMall magazine? Yeah. Where you open it up and you're like, who's buying this thing? Who's going shopping in the air? Well, it's awesome stuff.

I love looking at that magazine. It's crazy novelty stuff. It's Brookstone stuff stuff but there is one thing that always stuck with me it was a bike seat called the liberator uh-oh and there was literally a a hole a cutout in the middle of the seat that seemed like it it's either genius or dangerous or the most dangerous situation because when you fall off the bike, things may go with the bike. Well, that seat is made specifically for the nude biker. That's what I'm talking about. That's even worse.

Like you fall off. Yes. Things may not return. Ouch. It has liberated you. From your life. You ever wanted to be a eunuch? Get the liberator.

One crash is all you need. Zach from the website. What is the appropriate? This is a great question. What is the appropriate amount of candies to take from a bowl when leaving a restaurant? What type of candies are we talking about here? Well, the appropriate amount is one. But what is the most...

How can you stretch it? Yeah, what's the... You could go mints. You could go Andy's mints. You can go... Oh, Andy's mints. They're gone. They're all mine.

How big's my hand? How big's my hand? How big's my hand? Are you kidding me? It's how big can I carry the dish? It's like, how much does it weigh? Do you mind if I take this? You could have those little, remember the

strawberry candies that have the goo inside? Very popular giveaway candy for restaurants. Very popular with the old people. Yeah, that's 100% what I was thinking. That's not an old people candy. Oh my word! That is nothing if not an old person candy. The strawberry with the goo in them?

Yes. Individually wrapped so it looks like a strawberry. They had one that looked like a pineapple. All the pineapple ones are good. Says the old person. You know those are for old people. They're in every restaurant on the way out. What do you know?

Hard candy? They're on every restaurant. No, hold on. They're in Luby's and BJ's. Coco's? You're just talking about hard candies you do this with where there's originals obviously you just believe if the generation of hard candies is the old person who went to the candy shop to get one hard candy with their nickel because name a hard candy

that isn't an old person candy oh gobstopper is totally a youthful nobody's ever handed a gobstopper out at a restaurant no but on the way out they don't hand gobstopper's totally a youthful. Nobody's ever handed a gobstopper out at a restaurant. No, but at a restaurant. On the way out, they don't hand gobstoppers. So getting candy on the way out is for kids. You can't hand an old person a gobstopper. So you're saying all restaurants pick their candy by their oldest demographic. Yes. And you go to restaurants that serve people over the age of me.

No. So no restaurants give away Gobstoppers. No restaurants give away Kit Kats on the way out. We're talking about. You can't give away a Kit Kat. That's ridiculous. Most of the time it's mints. Yes.

Usually. I mean, that's the whole point. A mint is universal. A lifesaver. Right. A lifesaver is good for all generations. I find it repulsive if they don't offer a toothpick on the way out. A peppermint mint.

That's an affront. A peppermint mint is a hard candy that's given out that is ageless young old whatever a strawberry with the goo inside that is that's like a tasty treat it's a tasty treat but the old people they they don't think that it's for old people because it's so wild. It's got this goo inside. This is for the youngins. That's how I feel. I've never felt so alive. Strawberry goo. Here's a true pro tip on this, Zach. I think you pretend to have more kids than you have.

That's the way I roll. No. It's one for me. Let me get one for the kids. Sir, there's 16 in your hand. Yes, very robust family. There's two handfuls is what you can get away with comfortably while still feeling good about yourself, and here's why.

If you just go in and grab, they can't always see how many you're grabbing. So you just get one little scoop and you pocket it. You don't just grab and hold out for people to see. You grab the handful straight into the pocket, pull them out one at a time, you're good. But the reason I say you can do two handfuls is my pro tip on the way in yes on the way you've done it on the way in i was about to ask if we can set a new precedent on the way in you've you've taken

andy's mint on the way into the olive garden if there is not a designated exit that I only see the candies on my way out, if it's a tasty treat that I want and it's not for old people, I'm going in, I'm coming out, and my pockets are bulging with mints. Let me just hypothesize for a second. Okay. You want to make fun of old people candies. Yes. Who are the most wise people on this earth?

The aged, wise. Our our generation i would say no you believe whatever age you are is the wisest yes but what i'm saying is just maybe just maybe you're boxing your enjoyment of candy in a little bit in the fact that an eventual mike will find those candies delicious so why not be that Mike now? Why not take the advice from Mike from the future who loves those candies clearly because they're, they're buying them in spades, but maybe, and then enjoy them now.

Maybe future Mike enjoys those candies because the hard candies are not, they're no worry with the dentures. The dentures, you know, are not going to be destroyed by these hard candies. So that's why you guys don't have dentures? All right. You guys ready to do a draft?

Yeah. Let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. All right. Mike on the website suggested this draft topic. We are doing items off of a fast food menu. Now, there's a caveat. You can't pick multiple items from the same restaurant per team.

Correct. Well, just saying. Mike, if you had something from McDonald's and I had something from McDonald's, that'd be fine. Yes. You don't get to claim a restaurant. You just can't pick four McDonald's items or four Taco Bell items. And we have put the requirements that this is not a QSR situation. This is a drive-through.

Yes. If you are fast food for this draft, I can drive through and pick it up. I can't tell you guys. You have the first pick. I have the first pick. That's unfortunate. This is a food draft. This is my wheelhouse.

He didn't lose a pick from the scat? We didn't take one away? Probably should have. Here's what's crazy. I think most people are thinking, oh, Jason's so excited. I don't want to do this draft. Oh. Because I am going to be so upset at all the-

Do you feel like you're cheating on the other items you didn't pick? No, I'm just going to be upset every time you guys take something, because that means I can't have it. So I really hope your bad taste comes through on this draft, because every time you grab one... We'll do our best. Like, there's about 20 items that I specifically need. Need?

So we're going to make this a 22-round draft. Oh, my gosh. But with the first pick, it's like, I've got to do the whole game here of like, what do I think could possibly make it back? What are you not going to take? I am struggling with the world open to me. You have the first pick. There's nothing scarier than the blank page yeah

all right that is true i this is where you throw some scientific facts out there all right it's the first pick i know man you're tilting i'm tilting already because there's just so many different ways you could go but i i've got to stay true to who I am. Hashtag brand. To hashtag brand. And I've got to go with the Big Mac. Okay. Here's the truth. When I go to McDonald's, which more often than I should, which that's the truth, which is also what everybody says. It's also true.

I get a Big Mac. You're going Big Mac. It's always a Big Mac. It might be Big Mac Plus, but it starts with a Big Mac. That's the foundation of your- The foundation is a Big Mac every time so you're going Big Mac it's always a Big Mac it might be Big Mac Plus but it starts with a Big Mac that's the foundation of your the foundation is a Big Mac of the house

it might add a hot and spicy or a little apple pie but it always starts with a Big Mac I had a very like I've eaten at McDonald's obviously

I like their you know you can get egg McMuffins stuff like that but I had this like six month period where Big Macs were like, yeah. Yeah, we're into it.

Oh, you were into it. Every week I'd watch a TV show and eat like one show, we'd get Big Macs for the show. I had like a six-month phase of my life. Obviously, cardiac arrest. They brought me back and then I quit. For all the fast food I've eaten, I think I can count on two hands how many Big Macs I've had in my life. I'm just not into it. Good. My pick, right? Yes, sir. I'm just not into it. Good. My pick, right?

Yes, sir. I'm not out of order. No. McDonald's fries. Okay. The McDonald's fries are a just... They actually taste great. Especially hot, obviously. You put yourself out of the running. You couldn't take them. I know, but I'm still upset that I don't get all of them. It's really

not fair. I should get every pick. Oh my gosh. How'm still upset that I don't get all of them. It's really not fair. I should get every pick. Oh, my gosh. How hungry are we going to be at the end of this? I'm already there. So, yeah, I'm going McDonald's fries. The smell, the taste, the nostalgia. It's great.

They deliver 100% of the time because clearly they're printed in a factory that can produce identical products over and over again. McDonald's fries. Feel great about it. Feel solid with the top of the draft. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I am so happy to be on the turn. Yeah, you get two in a row. Because I have two in a row.

This will be the fastest I've ever picked for all the haters out there. That Mike takes too long with his draft. How do you feel about this? Chick-fil-A nuggets. Oh, no! In-N-Out burger. Cheeseburger. In-N-Out double-double.

The double! No! Well, I mean, I get the burger. I get the In-N-Out burgers. Cheeseburger, In-N-Out Double-Double. The Double! No! Well, I mean, I get the burger. I get the In-N-Out Burgers. Oh, you get a Double-Double or you get a single? That's what I was going to ask. Okay, fine. I'll take the Double-Double.

They have four items on their menu, and it's like you have to choose one. I feel like me drafting the Double-Double, you can't come in and be like, I'll take the three by three. I agree. You get the Double-Double. So you just took two picks as fast as you've ever chosen them And they're great I'm so happy

So you went with the Chick-fil-A, chicken nuggets, delicious You went with the In-N-Out Double-Double I'm going to go Chick-fil-A spicy chicken sandwich Okay It is a delicious sandwich We could go 100 rounds here We could go 100 rounds here.

We might go 100 rounds on the road immediately following this episode. We're doing a tour. It's not a nationwide show tour. It is a citywide fast food drive-thru tour. Yes. The marathon begins at our office and it ends at John C. Lincoln Hospital. Look, there's a reason. There's a reason that I think one of, if not the most popular restaurant in the country right now is Chick-fil-A, and I'm going to finish the cycle here.

We're going three picks in a row from that restaurant because I want their waffle fries, man. Really? I was torn between taking their nuggets or taking their fries. Chick-fil-A's waffle fries are fantastic. If you get McDonald's French fries, which are the goat because of how classic they are. That's exactly right. It doesn't mean that they're the best French fry out there.

You guys like Five Guys French fries a lot. Love them. But they're so classic. I just i can see it i could smell i could taste it right now and this is part of my problem as to why i'm fat okay um and then the other one look i don't know how this one's gonna play this might not be a poll getter it really might not but no hashtag no panda bear no panda bear today because when when we're talking about fast food and my life this just means too much it's very personal for you very personal so i'm going to take the item that sometimes i will drive home when i'm really hungry and because it's across the

street from my house i'll do the pro move of i'm just gonna roll through here drop a dollar eat these before i get home have dinner oh no one's the wiser no one's the wiser that i got two jack-in-the-box tacos for 99 cents oh a little pre-dinner look you don't fry prime the shoot i gotta warm it to warm it up. Warm it up. Warm the chute up. And not much warms your stomach up. Like a Jack in the Box deep fried taco. Warm up all the bowels. There are no tacos in the world that are deep fried.

You don't fry tacos. Jack in the Box is like, watch this. You get the two. You need to go one to prime the chute, one to end it. Oh, no. Eat the dinner, finish the other one. These are both appetizers. So, look, I got my Big Mac.

I got my Chick-fil-A waffle fries and my Jack in the Box tacos. I am L-I-V-I-N. For a little while. Now, so far, I'm going to go with a little different direction here. I have the spicy chicken sandwich. I got the McDonald's fries. I'm going the Wendy's Frosty. The Wendy's Frosty. I have the spicy chicken sandwich. I got the McDonald's fries. I'm going the Wendy's Frosty. The Wendy's Frosty.

I'm bringing dessert into it. I see the producers nodding in approval. That's because they are delicious. And again, I've got a classic lineup here. If I'm eating McDonald's fries and a Wendy's Frosty, I'm strutting through my childhood with joy. I mean, this is delicious. The fries and the Frosty is a pro move of pro moves.

Oh, and they go together. And if you're taking the McDonald's fries, which is better than the Wendy's fry, put it into the Wendy's Frosty. That's true. I feel good, man. I feel good. You're making magic. Yeah, I feel real good.

Mike, are you going to be able to? I believe so. We got to make sure that there's no pushback on one of these picks. Okay. Because it fits. It's fast food, and there is a drive-thru. On every location? On every location.

Every location that I know of. Okay. Well, I mean, unless it's like. I don't like where this is headed. Well, you can't say every location, because sometimes a Chick-fil-A is in a mall. Well, sure, sure, okay. Well, I mean, unless it's like... I don't like where this is headed. Well, you can't say every location, because sometimes a Chick-fil-A's in a mall. Well, sure, sure, sure. I'm just saying Panda Express has some places that have a drive-thru. Oh, yeah, no, no, it's not like that.

But number one, I'm going to take my fry. I'm going to take the Jack in the Box seasoned curly fry. Great pick, great pick. As soon as I missed out on... In Jason's life, he feels like because these pics are being made he doesn't get to eat these items ever again he is mourning them it's it's that you two don't deserve them the i like claim to all fat food look if if you have had the jack in the box curly fries 50 times in your life mike and i've had him five million

how dare you stake claim to them these all belong to me and this is this is why american obesity is a real problem please go to www.helpwithobesity.com uh mike has the chick-fil-a nuggets he's got the double double cheeseburger from In-N-Out. Delicious. Seasoned Curly Fries from Jack in the Box. And one pick remaining. Your final selection. Alright, my final pick here. So much to choose from. So we'll have to get a ruling. I firmly believe that I am in the right and there is absolutely no problem

with this. I would like to select a Krispy Kreme Glazed Donuts. Okay. I would love that. I would love it if you select that. Man. I mean mean i don't think i don't think it fits the spirit of the draft i will let uh borland decide on that one though if if that is what you if i don't does anybody think of it as fast food does anybody on this planet go yeah i'm gonna get some fast food i'm gonna pick up a donut on a drive-thru no yeah i would i agree i mean and i

think it would help us in the vote that's why jason let it go yeah i agree it would it's not a vote getter but i'm gonna i'm gonna overrule it and say pick again all right oh man oh obviously he has a backup ready to go honestly that sucks that's a terrible ruling i know but i i think the spirit of the draft look i there needs to be a main course i just think it needs to be something you traditionally associate with what fast food is like most people when they go to krispy kreme you might get a dozen donuts for a breakfast but it's not like i'm going to the fast food place i think you agree with that yeah well that's what i'm saying it's tough it's right on the edge i would love to give it to you just for our sake and the polls but because i don't think most people

are going to have that synonymous with fast food. Jason really wanted to give it to you. I did. I did. It also meant that you didn't draft whatever you're about to draft, which you really wanted to draft. That's my worry here is more about what real fast food am I about to lose? And also, I'm starving right now. Okay, let me go through the list of what everyone has.

All right. I mean, because I have a couple picks I want, but I feel like we're just literally picking three restaurants out of the world of fast food. No, no, we've tackled quite a few. Just to be clear, desserts are fine. It does not need to be a main course. Yeah, yeah, I got you.

Well, that's why the Frosty was allowed. No, I get it. All right, so I have Chick-fil-A nuggets. I have the Double Double Cheeseburger from In-N-Out. I have the Seasoned Curly curly fries from Jack in the Box. There's only one item I need coming back to me. Don't do it. Oof.

What do you think, Mike? What do you think? Well, now I got to get inside of Jason's head because there's two items that I want to go with. People are screaming in their cars right now. Yeah, well, look, I have my clock. I saved clock on the first two picks. That's true. So that means I get to take it.

Wait, did you read through the current picks? He read through his. I read through mine. Yeah. Jason's got the Big Mac and the waffle fries and the tacos. I've got the French fries from McDonald's, the spicy chicken sandwich, and the Frosty from Wendy's. This is Mike's final selection not to be trifled with.

What do you think? All right, then, man, it's down to two and it's really really difficult because they are on opposite sides of the fast food spectrum one you would start and ruin your day with the other one you would end and ruin your day with but in my heart the thing that i eat that i would want if I could have anything, I will take the Baconator from Wendy's. Okay. The Baconator. Now that we're done and me and Jason have already taken McDonald's items,

the Egg McMuffin was the other consideration. That was it. It was between the Baconator or the Sausage McMuffin. And you made a mistake. All right, Jason, what's your final pick? I'm thrilled about it. Oh, is this me? Yeah.

Oh, fantastic. So I'm going to go with the – Wait, wait. No, you can't. No, what's your final pick? I'm thrilled about it. Oh, is this me? Yeah. Oh, fantastic. So I'm going to go with the – Wait, wait. No, you can't. No, that's garbage. I was going to let him know. Oh, you're baiting it. No, you can't let him know because he was going to reveal a pick.

That is the – we have never encountered this. When you went out of turn, I sat and just kept my mouth closed. I didn't do anything to you. All's fair. I noticed you're wearing a mint chocolate chip colored shirt today, Mike. In honor of the greatest pick of all time. It's my pick. It's down to

two options for me. Bush League era. I think about single A baseball player over here. All's fair and love and war. This is war. So I have French fries from McDonald's, the spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A. I don't have a traditional burger on

my menu, so that is an option I'm considering strongly. I have two. You have two, Mike? I like burgers. You know, I'm going to take the Whopper. I'm going to take the Whopper from Burger King. Distinct taste. I love the size. It's delicious.

It's fine. Here's the thing with all these picks, all the possible. It's delicious. It's fine. Here's the thing with all these picks, all the possible items we could pick, and the honest truth is that every single thing we've picked so far is so delicious. Do we want another round? Is so delicious. I could go forever. I don't care. A five selection? Brooks is nodding his head.

Brooks is nodding his head. Let's do it. We'll go five rounds. All right. I'm on the turn. I get two picks here. You do. All right.

Well, I'm going to go with two burgers because- You get one pick. I'm sorry. I get two picks. No, go ahead. You get two picks, Jay. Okay. Wow, a five rounder.

A five rounder. I am going with the Double Shack Burger from Shake Shack. Shake Shack does not have drive-thrus. No, that is ineligible. Shake Shack does not have drive-thrus, bro. That's the same thing as saying... Dude, you're totally right. You're totally 100% right.

I was just thinking... They're way too bougie for a drive-thru. That would be five. Five guys would start to enter the conversation. We'd be in a whole other world. Oh, no. This is... Let's take the filet mignon from Ruth's Chris.

You're very right. The Shake Shack burger is... Oh, it's so good. That bun. Oh, no. It's incredible. Well, you have two picks. You said you were going two burgers.

What's the other one? I have 20 items I want. Let's hear it. All right. Need. Okay. I apologize. Thank you.

All right. Well, I'm going to go dessert. I can't go McFlurry. I've got my McDonald's, so I'm going to go with the Blizzard from Dairy Queen. I had considered it. Respectable pick. I'd consider it. It's just too good. I had a Blizzard last night from Dairy Queen.

It was, in fact, a large. And it was... The thing that we've learned about Jason in the last month is that you are a secret food guy. Yeah. You go home, you apparently prime the

chute with a couple of Jack in the Box sneaky fried... That's if I don't prime it at the gas station with the hostess apple pie i don't know why i can't lose weight this is the mystery out i do work out and this is the you know eat healthy just imagine if you didn't work out let's let's throw that out there i think he works out so he can eat the way he eats. Alright, so you get one more pick since we're going five

rounds. You've got the big... You figured out you've got the McDonald's Big Mac, the Chick-fil-A waffle fries, the Jack in the Box tacos, the Blizzard from Dairy Queen. A respectable team, albeit you don't get all the picks like you want, but a nice looking team. Now you've got to close it down

with your final fast food item. Okay. I want diarrhea so if that's the case i'm going i'm going with this that's a different from any of the picks we've already selected it is different i think you guys could know exactly what i'm going with because i look there is some kind of special seasoning that Arby's puts on their food. Oh, yes. And it's delicious. That's why they haven't been picked yet.

Yeah, but I'm going to take the beef and cheddar classic. The largest. The laxative. The big Montana. Yes, the laxative. Sometimes you need to prime the chute. Sometimes you need to. Clear it out?

No, you need to be on the toilet in the middle of the sandwich. Right. Because you know that things are going right through. It's a good pick. It's a great pick. It made it really easy for me because I was between the Arby's roast beef sandwich and then this pick. And this pick is the Sonic Cherry Limeade. Okay.

Oh, it's so good. I don't think it's a vote-getter, but it's so good. It's very delicious. The Sonic Cherry Limeade to round it out, to wash it down, so to speak. I'm going to finish with the Cherry Limeade. I'm feeling good because it was, you know, I wanted to get the Whopper and the Limeade, and I got them both. Sausage McMuffin.

Yeah. There it is. No doubt. No doubt. In fact, we probably helped Mike's draft way too much by not letting him take a donut and then circle back to get your- We did. Give me those donuts.

Egg McMuffin. I think some apologies are in order. I would like to apologize to Taco Bell. You are a fantastic restaurant. The only thing that's draftable- I couldn't pick one item. That's the issue. Oh, it's easy.

Chalupa? No, it's the cheesy gordita crunch. See, it's easy, and then we disagreed on it. I don't know if that... The Crunchwrap Supreme is unbelievable. It's a whole meal. Soft tacos are great. I mean...

Yeah, I mean... The Doritos Locos tacos? Oh, yeah. Yeah. KFC, Popeyes, no chicken places. The nacho cheese chalupa is in my Mount Rushmore of offered items in fast food. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. KFC, Popeyes, no chicken places. The nacho cheese chalupa is in my Mount Rushmore of offered items in fast food. Wow. Yeah.

That you didn't pick through five rounds. Well, they don't even offer it anymore, so I didn't pick it. Okay. That's fair. At least I didn't pick a Shake Shack burger, you know? And Mike, you love Carl's Jr. You didn't- Nothing from the Carl's Jr. menu.

Never even considered them. Carl's Jr. is just well-rounded. I know I'm going to have a great time if I eat a Carl's Jr. menu. Never even considered them. Carl's Jr. is just well-rounded. I know I'm going to have a great time if I eat a Carl's Jr. For the moments I'm chewing the food. It is time for lunch, gentlemen. All right. One more thing. What did we learn today?

Ooh. Oh, fancy. Man, what did we learn today? Brand new drop. It's a brand new drop, but I don't know what I learned. Oh, I know what I learned. I learned that you cannot replace a bike tire if your tire pops. Throw it out.

If your tire pops, you need to get an entirely new bicycle. I think what I learned or further learned or expounded on my knowledge of is that Jason has no shame when it comes to secret food. He primes the chute before dinner. He gets it going. Look, what I've always said is an important part of every meal is pre-meal. Yes. Whatever you eat before the meal is an important part of the forthcoming meal. And they say, look, teach with actions, not just words.

And you've taught with actions on that front. Do as I do, not as I say. Have you gone after Taco Bell? Have you shamed them yet for only going with fourth meal? They had that huge awareness campaign, fourth meal, and did you let them know that that's not the appropriate amount? I wrote a few letters. I said... Snail mailed them in? said snail mailed them in snail mailed them in for sure they gave him some coupons on the way back and those were used those have been used oh culver's cheese curds left oh i know they were

culver's butter burger left out in the dust well the problem is we're not rich raising gains and oh my gosh no it was i couldn't go with them because I took Chick-fil-A. We didn't take. It's regional, too. I don't care if it's regional. How do we not take? The best region for it is my belly. That's right.

I learned today that I should be marching more because watching that man march brought joy to my life. I need to employ it a little bit more. Be sure to check out SpitballersPod.com. joy to my life. You would need to employ it a little bit more. Impressive. Be sure to check out spitballerspod.com. Become a spit. Support the show. Thanks for listening. Tuning in,

supporting the show. Absolutely. Spitballerspod.com. If you want to support the show, we'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.