Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Doctor Donuts & College Degrees We Wish We Had - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

Spit Hit for October 20th, 2022: On today’s show, we discuss a job interview predicament that turns out to be a tough egg to crack. We also also talk about the Midas touch, NFT’s, and being publicly humiliated. We close it down with a draft of college degrees we wish we had. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads, on today's show, we're going to chat through a job interview predicament that, well, I'm guessing it turns out to be pretty, pretty funny. We're going to talk about the Midas touch, about being publicly humiliated, and we're going to draft college degrees that we wish we had. So do not miss a minute of today's Spit Hit episode. episode. and Jason. Let's be bop-do-bop-de-bop-a-doodle-a-doo. Yeah, all right. I just let it come to me. I just followed the music and prayed.

That's usually what you're supposed to do with a scat. Somewhere along the way, we lost ourselves. We stopped following the music. Yeah. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike and Jason back with you. I mean, it feels like it's been a million years, but it's only been a week. I mean, it does. Unbelievable.

Almost feels like we haven't recorded in several weeks. And yet here we are just a week after the last episode and ready to spitball. Sharp is attack with that. That scat intro there. Oh, yeah. You're welcome. Yeah. And. Ready to spitball again. Sharp as a tack with that scat intro there. Oh, yeah. You're welcome. Yeah. Spectacular.

Episode 153. Would you rather? That's a great question. And a wonderful draft on today's episode of the show. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. We appreciate all you beautiful people giving us those nice, kind reviews over on Apple Podcasts. Subscribing, following, reviewing. All of that jazz.

Very nice. Very nice. And all that jazz. Honestly, if you have a scat that you feel really good about, you could leave it as a review. Now, how would that work? You've got to write it out. You've got to write the scat out. I'm not going to lie to you.

I'll read one. I was very excited for where I thought you were going. I thought we were going to say, if you think you can scat as good as us, which of course you can, record it to the music. You know what I mean? No, no, no. Send it in and then we'll play that and we'll get out of having to do the scat. what we're gonna do is you leave us a five-star review with your scat and i've got the scat next and i'm going i'm going with yours i'm going with somebody's five-star review where they write their scat out and i'm going to interpret it you write it i interpret it into art if only

this episode was released by the time you scat next, that would work. But in the future, in the future, you will do this. I will do that. Maybe in a couple of weeks when they when I gather them. But you but Jason is right. We we need to have we'll figure out some kind of competition. We got we got some spitballers swag. We need to maintain control of the show, though.

Oh, yeah. I mean, we will. We will. And the show's oh yeah i mean we will we will and the show's for the people we will definitely us yes weed out all the bad ones we would never put that on the show hashtag scat sampler scat sampler oh i don't know if i want that platter all right platter please speaking of reviews we got one review asaurus rags this one comes in from u.s soldier from the united states of america thank you for your service uh 150 episodes later is the title of the review five stars here's what i've learned through 150 episodes these guys have never read a science book. Hey, a worthwhile piece of literature.

And they are somehow better for it. Congratulations on 150 episodes. I don't know how to take that. Thank you. Us soldier. I think we're better for it. But then I have to get that compliment. I got to accept the comments before.

Also, you throw out a poopoo platter joke, which I mean, that's a classic kid joke. Mm-hmm. Which, it's delicious. It's my favorite. A poopoo platter is incredible. Absolutely great. It is absolutely incredible. Andy, do you not realize that this is a real thing?

Oh, poopoo platter. Especially, we go to the one where it comes on fire. It's a real nice presentation. Brooks? Al, do you know what the heck they're talking about? No idea. A typical poo-poo platter is found in American Chinese cuisine. Egg roll, spare ribs, chicken wings, chicken fingers.

That's a poo-poo platter. Beef teriyaki. They know what it's going to do to you. It's like a sampler. Okay. But it's called the poo-poo platter. The scat sampler. They should really change that to the scat sampler.

And I was on my honeymoon with my wife, and we were calling. It's like, oh. Seems like the right person to be on your honeymoon with. Yeah. Yeah, she was there. And we were ordering some Chinese cuisine. I was like, holy crap. I've never known what was in it.

And then I saw that I called up and I tried to order it. And I was full on stupid American child man. Just like, you tried to order the poo-poo platter? You couldn't get it out? I'll take the poo-poo platter? The old Rudy Tutti Frush and Fruity IHOP commercials? Where's the bag on the head to order it? He couldn't order it.

That was me trying to order this from these, these fine people are just trying to make me some good food. And I'm pointing to, I'll take that. I'm a five year old child. And it was, it was an incredible moment. That's funny.

Would you rather time? Would you rather, by the way our draft today is very uh cerebral i mean very i mean this is a educational intellectual like those things you said we don't possess it will be evident with our selections pretty Pretty soon I will possess them all. Yeah, at the end of this show. Would you rather, question from Chris, would you rather receive $100 to have somebody publicly humiliate you

once per week? Humiliation! Humiliation! Or pay someone $100 to publicly compliment you once a week? Oh. So you get $100. publicly compliment you once a week. Oh. So you get $100. So we're talking like 400 bones a month here. Yeah, you get $100 a week if you're publicly humiliated.

Now, the public is the real important part of this, right? It's not like someone's coming up to you and just saying, hey, Mike, you're looking good today. You know what I mean? Or, hey, Mike, pants, and then run off. This is full public you are let me ask you a question okay do you have something that you're so humiliated about in your past that today you would write a check of x amount of dollars to eliminate from your oh my

goodness i i literally told the world about pooping in my pants, which you can Google. But to be fair, you were an adult, and once you hit a certain age. You also weren't humiliated. Yeah. Why can't I say that word? Why can't you say it? Now I'm like having a pause. Humiliated.

Yeah, it's W-H-O. I've been humiliated. Why am I saying what? What way? But, yeah, you weren't humiliated at all in that. You were humiliated when you had to tell the story, maybe. But in the moment, nobody knew. I mean, that was literally the story.

That's true. Literally, my father, who was the only person I was with, found out that I pooped my pants pretty much in his car afterwards. If anything, he was humiliated by not knowing. Yeah, that's right. Let me think. Do I have one? I have one.

Okay. I have one. You would take it away. If I could pay $100 and remember. No, no, no. How much would you pay? Oh, man. Not $100.

I mean, this is like. Well, we've talked about my memory and like how it could be could be very strong. And so you remember things like this. How much I would pay. I do not know. But here's the moment was I was in elementary school and I don't know what it was. If but I ended up like I don't know if it was. I'm trying to remember if it was me not willing to ask the parents

or the parents just kept buying them but I definitely wore the underoos too long which in underoos if you're not aware of what I'm talking about specifically you're talking about the little kids the whitey tighties or the tighty whiteys

but they have the characters on them so you didn't make I didn't make the grow up leap Or the tighty-whities. You wore them too long. But they have the characters on them. Yeah. So I didn't make the grow-up leap. And this isn't to boxer shorts yet, because that's junior high. When you're like, oh, yeah. You got to have them or you're a dead man. You're becoming a man. Yeah, I'm a man.

So now I wear shorts under my shorts. Now I wear these giant flowy underpants that do absolutely nothing. But I wore character underpants too long. You got a Wolverine on the buttocks. Right. And you're closer than you think. I don't remember which one it was. It was on the front.

But no, no. It was on the butt. Because this was in PE. And we were learning how to do backwards somersaults. Oh, no. And your boy had, unbeknownst to me, a hole in my butt region. Oh, and someone called you out on it. And not only did that happen, I couldn't figure out how to do it.

So I was doing a backwards somersault over and over and over, just stretching the hole for everyone to see. To see the characters on your underpants. To see that Mike had pound puppies or whatever on his underpants at an age that it was no longer the cool thing to do. Did you wear them ever again? Oh, it was pretty rapid. We moved on to boxers pretty quickly.

That night, they all were destroyed in the fireplace. If I could remove that shame for like a couple hundred dollars, oh, I would definitely do that. That's funny. And you remember it like it was yesterday. Yeah, and it's fine now, but I still would like to forget it. Being humiliated is one of my worst fears. Like that feeling is the worst.

Yes, it's the worst. And so I would rather pay. Like I would pay to not have that happen which is what this question really is i think i think that there is an argument to be made here that you are in essence while you are paying you're getting paid because there is a social currency and public compliments will spread if others like you if others think you're good looking if others like you, if others think you're good looking, if others think you're funny. If others think you wear boxers. I mean, you know, people are going to be like, oh.

Mike wears boxers, pass it on. You start the next day, I hear Mike wears men's boxers. Did you see that guy's grown up underpants? Spread it around. Those are total grown-up undies. He shows up the next day, the hole's still in the pants. He's like, you want me to do some more somersaults? I think he had a tie underneath.

He's got a bow tie on here. Do you have a... Beltline. I mean, since this is kind of translated into that story, do you have a humiliating story you pay to remove? I don't think so. I know you say you're no shame, but I mean, is there something that you're like... i have one of mine no i think i have one that i think you should get rid of i

wish i never knew this um i you know i nothing comes to mind i have you know i don't i don't humiliate easily i'm fine being the uh the the public butt of a joke. I enjoy that. I lean into that. But I have been humiliated. I mean, there are moments where I would run that back. Sure. But I literally can't think of a single one now. So I don't think they scar me very deep. Or I just have no memory at all of most things in life. And you do love compliments.

And you like people to think high of you. So would you pay $100 for the compliments? This one's really, really tough because I don't care that much about any of it. So I guess in the end, I'd rather have $100. Like, I don't care too much about the compliment. I don't care too much about the public humiliation, but in one of these...

Flattery doesn't pump your tires? Oh, sure. I mean, yeah. I mean, look, if you tell me i'm looking good i'm gonna feel better about myself okay he feels better when he tells himself he's looking good he's the only looking good the man in the mirror is the only one who says that um no so i guess i guess i'm getting a hundred bucks to be publicly humiliated once a week yeah and this not just that. I mean, you've got to think of your opportunity cost here. This is, what, we got like an $800 swing? Because you're either up $400 or you're down $400. That's true. Yeah, you've got to choose one.

Basically, I'm getting $200 here a week. Okay. I guess I'll pay for compliments. You're darn right I'm paying for a compliment. Deal with it. Yeah, I mean, see here, I guess this makes sense, right? Because I get compliments already. So you guys are like, I'm going to pay for them.

And that makes sense. And I'm happy for you guys now. You'll start getting those on the reg. Yeah, those aren't compliments, Jason. Trevor from the website says, you are just sitting down for a very important job interview. Would you rather have to pull out a hard-boiled egg and peel it and eat it throughout the interview or release a silent but deadly fart

and have to sit in it throughout the interview? Oh, man. I mean, if you just put yourself in that boat. So either way, it smells like egg in that room. Right. But at least one of them, you know the reason. Here's the deal. An interview, generally speaking, is two people.

The interviewee and the interviewer. And most people, I'm going to say the vast majority, know if they farted or not. So on the fart side, this is not a question. This is like, so how'd the interview go? Oh, dude. Dude. This room stunk. fart sign this is not a question this is like so how'd the interview go oh dude dude this room stunk he ripped butt in that interview and the whole place smelled that's that's out i feel like yeah but are you more likely to hire that guy or the guy that pulls out a hard-boiled egg and eats it during the interview if i have to do that if I have to pull out a hard-boiled egg and eat it while doing the interview, super serious, I am confident I could pull that off.

Yeah, you're like, I got to. And get the job? Oh, yeah. I get the job because of it. But who are you hiring as an employer? You got to talk about your macros. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah.

Yeah, no, look, I'm on a diet. Yeah. So if we were in the interview room with Al Borland and he walked in and he pulled out a hard-boiled egg and ate it in front of us or he did the fart, you would hire which guy first? Oh, look. Number one, it's shelled, correct? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You got to peel it. You have to. That's everything. It comes down peel it. That's everything. It comes down to that. That's a skill test? I am watching you. How do you perform peeling this egg?

Number one, you're under the pressure of you're doing this in front of somebody while doing a job interview. Number two, peeling an egg. There's ups and downs to peeling an egg. Sometimes it just comes right off, and sometimes you're in a mono ego. Do you have a sink? You're really learning something about this person. Because you're learning even more than how they peel.

They love eggs. You're learning how are they at boiling the eggs. Because that's what makes all the difference in being able to peel them or not. Do they pocket the shells, or do they just toss them on the ground? Yeah, what do you do with the shells? Oh, man, you've got to pocket the shells. You can't make a mess. That would be so rude. That's an awkward thing in and of itself. That would be so rude. Do you have an ashtray? shells or do they just what do you do with the shells um oh man you gotta pocket the shells you can't make a mess that'd be so rude thing in and of itself that would be so rude do you have an

ashtray but i feel like so mike you're saying you'd talk about your macros like your diet yeah yeah that's right you would explain it away i would take the approach of this is not mentioned i'm acting like nothing is happening i'm answering the questions they're giving me i'm i'm making no mention of this egg. You're a man of mystery. Yes. Do you take it out of your jacket pocket, the inside coat pocket? Inside coat pocket, yes.

Yeah, is it the breast pocket or is it the coat pocket? It's the inside of the coat pocket. Yeah, where he would pull out his FBI badge. Right, and so I pull out the egg and I say, you know, look, I think you know, I think the, the biggest opportunity for growth in me and I'm answering your questions. Where do you crack? Where do I start the crack? Yeah. Do you tap it on like a table or do you do some kind of roll it in your hand? Using fingernails? I think I can start it with. Bite it? No,

I'm not biting the shelled egg, Mike. I'm not a psychopath. Yeah, I think I can start it with just, man, you do have to crack that. I'm using it as a story point. I'm saying, you know, look, every company is like an egg. Is like an egg. And, you know, sometimes it's hard to get to the kind of. The protein. And then I take a big gulp and run. The middle might be full of cholesterol

right is it good for you is it bad for you we just don't know how many bites is the least embarrassing amount of bites for an egg that's not one that's for sure uh one one bite uh you put that whole hard-boiled egg in your mouth and that interview is over uh it's what do you what do you average what do you average average bites on a hard-boiled egg? I think it's like five or six. Five? Yeah, because. What are you, a two-year-old?

No, look, if it's a deviled egg, right, which is like. No, it's because of the yolk. Eating a big piece of yolk. If you've eaten a hard-boiled egg yolk, that's like eating a box of crackers. It's the driest thing in the world. You have to eat it with the white part. Do you bring a fork and knife? That's the other breast pocket.

You pull out your silverware, you just start eating it like a steak right on the table. And then do you offer some to them? I'm pretty selfish with my food. So I don't think I would. Yolk? I would ask, do you have a glass of milk? Do you have some salt? Okay.

But even still, I'm taking the egg. I'm not farting in the interview of just me. Mono e mono, smell my innards. I'm hiring the farter. What's the, okay. Because everybody farts. Not everybody eats an egg in the middle of an interview. That tells me you're a crazy person.

How many interviewers, interviewee, interview interviewers do you need on that side of the table before it changes your opinion and you'll squeeze it out? Oh, just one. Wait, interviewers? No, I get what you're saying. If it's a boardroom with like four people. Yeah, if there's four people over there, you have plausible deniability. Giving me the interview.

Oh, that makes it even worse for me because they're all going to know because they can talk to each other afterwards. But if it's one other person in the interview it's me and another person i'm gonna i'm gonna let it leak and i'm gonna give him some bad eye i'm gonna look at the other guy interviewing for this job i'm not gonna convince this guy he farted no no no no i'm not gonna bring it up but i'm gonna i'm gonna be seen by the interviewee or the interviewer. I'm going to be seen by them, and they're going to look, and they're going to go, I think I know who did it. Because they're right.

No, no, no. They see me kind of glancing like, oh, my gosh, what did this guy do? You know what I'm saying? So the people giving the interview, I'm getting them on my side. I'm in this with them. You're the one who farted. But they don't know that yes they do how would they possibly know it's not an interview they would know because they didn't fart no that's

what i'm saying there are two people getting interviewed at the same time oh okay i thought you were still in the same 101 i did too no i missed that so do you take like intentional big sniffs? Do you draw attention? No, because the whole room is going to know. This is bad. This is an egg fart. But is it better for you to catch it before anybody else does? Or is that smelted delta?

I think that's smelted delta. I think you just want to. You can't find one of the other rhymes? Once it's a big problem, that's when you've got to be uncomfortable. Maybe scoot away from the other person being interviewed. Just as a show of disrespect. Mid-talking. Yeah, just scoot away.

All right. LJ from the website. Would you rather be able to choose the time, period, place, or socioeconomic class in which you live? You can only choose one, and the others will be selected at random. All right, so there's three things that will be assigned to us, and that's time. Time, period, at random. Place, at random.

Or socioeconomic class at random. Because there were some times when I was literally just looking up how many people have ever lived on the earth ever do you want to take a guess i mean again that's just a fun fact it's man which is which is almost the exact same question is how many people have ever died just for the record almost they're almost the same but they're not almost um man well that would be minus $8 billion, right? You're right.

So let's go like $50 billion? I'm going to go less than that. But I'm going to go $36 billion. All right, Price is right. $100 billion. Yeah, you're out. Loser. About $107 billion.

So you add in the seven to eight alive today. About 107. So you add in the seven to eight alive today. But when I was reading this story, they highlighted, you know, lifespans in these different eras. Right. And, you know, there were times when, you know, it was 18, 19, 20 years old or, you know, 30 years old. So if you have a random draw in time period, I mean,

you may have a very short life, but socioeconomic class will do that too. Sure. Yeah, but I was going to say, I mean, I imagine that, you know, back in the day, if you were in that top 1%, you probably, you know, didn't die of every little thing going wrong. The same as the people who basically were living without shelter and you know the the average life would be much much less i guess socioeconomic class spans all time in a good way for you right that seems like maybe the one to pick now if i pick hawaii yes but i can't i can't uh control the time're going to have an island. Is there a chance you're underwater? Yeah, is there a chance I'm either just dropped right into the ocean for that one to two hours of my life?

Human existence. Okay, human existence. That's the timeline. But is there a chance that I am there and no one has discovered the islands yet? So I'm just Tom Hanksanks in it on that island all by myself i don't and i live for one to two hours i don't think so i think this has to be popular because if time is that wide in this question then you have to select time otherwise it could be like okay you're in the one percent and also this is a hundred billion years after the earth is gone it's just acid rain the whole time uh i think i'm gonna take the one percent i think

i think when you you know look i would much rather live now in the middle class than be a king uh you know of 700 800 years ago we already know i'd rather be the king we've talked yeah we have we've talked about that but since i can't really have control over both aspects i think i'm going to take that top flight economic status and have the most comfortable situation i can have wherever geographically and whenever timeline wise i'm going with the same answer mike are you choosing oh man he wants to go. You could live in the future, though. Oh, wait. You thinking about that?

Right. In a time period? Yeah. I mean, it doesn't have to be backwards. You could say, I want to live in the 2300s. See what's going on. If dinosaurs are in play, so is the future. Absolutely.

I'm rolling the dice on the time. Man. I'm going to the beach. I'll see you suckers later. I'll be in Hawaii. So you're going Hawaii. Yeah. And we're taking the 1% and then we'll find out where we are.

Because I could still end up in the future. Yeah. Future 1%? Oh, man. Yeah, the technology. Yeah, buddy. Maybe they're looked even more down upon in the future. Or you're just in the machine. Yeah.

All right, it's time to move on. That's a great question. Ed from Patreon. Thank you for your support. If you had one chance to turn anything you touch to gold, what would be the thing you'd want to touch? You cannot sell the item afterwards. Thank you for your support. If you had one chance to turn anything you touch to gold, what would be the thing you'd want to touch? You cannot sell the item afterwards.

It would just be something cool to show off to everyone. So what would you like to paint gold? It's not just paint because it's actual gold. And the non-selling part is interesting. And then my instant reaction is something large because if it's large and gold it will be even more rare yeah i immediately went to like rocket ship it's very those are very big right and one made out of gold we could one made out of gold but it wouldn't be you're not getting off the ground i know but no longer use it i don't want to use i want to break it down into gold to sell but you can't that's what it's saying don't want to use it. I want to break it down into gold to sell. But you can't.

That's what it's saying. What about the Grand Canyon? Can you touch the Grand Canyon and now you've got a golden Grand Canyon? That's like saying, the earth, I touch land. Yeah, you've got a real Midas problem there. You're like, oh, I'm just going to do the Grand Canyon. I'm doing it for everybody. The Grand Canyon?

Whatever, the Grand Canyon. And then all of North America is gold. I was doing this for the benefit of humanity. It's already beautiful. It'd be even nicer if it was gold, right? Every time I've looked at the Grand Canyon, I have thought to myself, man, this is okay. But if you want to know what would take it up a notch, if all these mounts were made of pure gold. That would look cool.

That's what it says. It has to be something cool to show off. Okay, I'm going with my basketball hoop out front. Okay? It's simple, but like it's pretty awesome. You must be part of the 1%. It's 10 feet tall so this is no small thing that I gotta pull out of

a drawer to show off. And it's outside of my house. Everyone driving by, everyone coming up, hosting a party, everyone walking by is gonna be like What a weirdo is that is that hoop made of gold yeah and your next party didn't you have a basketball hoop made of gold what about your car stealing a basketball hoop that is cemented into the ground is no easy it's not easy but people will figure it out i guess if it's pure gold it's worth the effort

what about your dog um i feel like that's called murder that's that's uh maybe at the end what happened in star wars when carbon yeah that's i'm carbonating my dog no thank you han solo made it through oh so maybe i'm just protecting my dog for longer no mike's right it's like a different form of taxidermy at the end at the end i now gold what if it's a golden retriever oh man golden golden this is i went with that but my dogs are literally golden doodles oh so are you guys out there really wanting to live the gold life no i mean what is i'm not a gold person like i'm trying to think to myself I drive up to this house with the golden basketball hoop. Do I actually think, like, well of that?

Do I drive up and go like, whoa, that's awesome. Or I go, what the heck is that? That's the ugliest looking hoop I've ever seen. Because here's what I would not assume. How well does it shoot, though? Because, I mean, you have to play basketball on it. Gold is a softer metal. So maybe the bank shots would be okay.

Easier? I would imagine that the plexiglass or the fiberglass is better. Why are we golding a basketball hoop? Because that's what Jason... I think you need to do your car. Then it won't drive. No, this is not literalism to the point where you can't drive the car. Is it?

You're not giving. Yeah, I'm looking at Al. You're not like. He doesn't know. Changing every bit of it. I'm sure you could dunk a car in gold. You're just going to have to visit that gas station a lot. Okay.

That's a lot of weight to carry around. Mike, do you have any ideas? Do you want your house made of gold? I was trying to think. Do you just do like your garage? But then I don't want people driving past my house seeing that I have gold basketball hoops and gold garages. We pass on this one. Oh, no, no, no.

You're the pebble tech in your pool. I just had the same thought. The surface of your pool. The surface of your pool. Now, that'd be cool. That is baller. That would be really, really cool. You jump in.

I'm sure it gets it warmer earlier, too. You know, the reflective metal. I have no idea, Bill Nye. All right. I see you know a lot about gold there. Golden pool. I like it. I'm in.

Original AG. Okay. Levi from Patreon. With the famous viral video Charlie bit my finger being auctioned off as an NFT for $750,000 what other iconic viral videos

could you also put into the auction pool I know the first one that comes to mind and I would hope every cent goes to that poor kid but the Star Wars kid the lightsaber kid in the garage that viral video is one of the that's one of the original that is literally one of that has to be

in the first like 10 that was like ebombs world stuff yeah that was old so a lot of kids listening now we're gonna be like i don't know what this is. You can still find it. Man, that was... Kids, don't put other people's embarrassing videos on the internet. I don't think it went well for that kid after that video came out. I imagine the Rick Roll video would sell for almost more than anything. If they pulled the Rick Astley Rick Roll video, never going to give you that. He's a true gentleman. He roll video but ashley would never give you a he's he's a true gentleman he should do that he would make one never sell the nft and then somehow put it back

in publication and then be like what you got rick rolled son man i can't when you're put on the spot for like gangnam style was a very popular video but that's just like a music video i'm trying to think of a short viral video, something that's like Charlie bit me. Excuse me. Oh, excuse me was. That was a very, very good one. Not quite as viral.

Charlie bit my finger was old. Our audience. Yeah, that's what made me think of the Star Wars lightsaber kid. The Jaguars fan lady. That was a smaller scale, but our audience, if you know that one, can't have a newcomer come in and steal the show. Oh, that's one of my favorites of all time. Um, yeah, that's good. Let me think. I'm trying to have one. Andy, I brought up the few that I had Rick Rick Astley? Yeah.

I'm going with that one. You're right, Jason. Jaguars, ladies, for me. Okay. Brendan from the website, if you're at a restaurant and your food arrives first while the other person is taking time, is it acceptable to eat before their food shows up? Not really. It's not

acceptable? Honestly, I think it matters a little bit where you're at and what kind of restaurant you're at really i do like the this the if it's i mean if you're at a hoity toity if you're at a sit down restaurant what if you're at like chili's no i don't think you should eat really yeah so you're i mean it's pretty lame when when like you get your food and everybody else is waiting and you're just chowing yeah but you know what else is lame not eating well number one not eating uh but number two uh my food shows up and then because i don't eat it because it's it gets cold because it's this faux pas And now my food is not as good because it has cooled down. It's funny because you're, it's not because it's a faux pas.

Oh, it's 100% because it's faux pas. Yeah, what else would it be based off of? It's based off of the- These are weird social rules that don't actually exist. No, not at all. You're saying that it's legitimate because it's rude- You want to share a meal with another person. And if you get your food and they don't, you're eating by yourself.

So there's a little bit of like not just focused on. Well, then if the other person says, go ahead and eat, you're fine. I've never been to any situation in my life where the other person doesn't say that. I want someone out there to be like, you're going to wait for me, right? Well, no, you don't have to say nothing. Don't you eat. Okay, so that's examining the other side of the social rule. Imagine someone saying, you go to take the bite, and then someone looks at you and goes,

seriously? Seriously, you're going to eat before my food is here? What kind of a turd nugget is that person for even bringing it up? If the other person across from me got their food and started eating and i even had the thought of how rude of them that i don't think that paints me in a good spot like i couldn't imagine being upset at someone eating their food you're playing you're playing a dangerous game when you start eating because while you

maybe you get your food at the maximum heat for yourself and your own focus, what happens if that person's food takes a really long time? You get dessert early. You're playing the gamble of you ate your food and then there shows up and you watch them eat. And when you go to a

sit, that's why I said the sit down thing matters. If I'm at like a... Do you eat a'm at like uh do you eat a lot standing up do i eat a lot standing up so you keep saying sitting down well i meant like a sit down restaurant well like chili if you go okay if you go to like um yeah i mean chilies you're really ruining okay i've got i've got a better i've got a better example here okay let's say we the three of us it's lunch we go to lunch and the two of you get your food right away and i don't get my food for one and i don't get my food forever like say what happened about a week ago when we went to a sushi restaurant and I did not have my food forever. Now, Andy, I remember you chowing down right off the bat.

Yeah, that's true. So I was there. I was eating, too. Well, you ate. I believe you said, sorry, not waiting. And then you shoved it in your mouth. Mike set a social precedent. And you did have soup before that. Oh, OK.

That's what I mean. So an appetizer matters. Yeah, I mean, I guess lunch and dinner matter a little bit differently, too. Let me ask you this, Jason. Yeah, I'm listening. You go out to an anniversary dinner with your wife. Okay. And your big steak shows up, and hers takes an extra 30 minutes.

What kind of a restaurant are you at? I mean, truly. Well, that's the only way it makes it a big problem. Are you waiting for your wife's food to arrive, or are you eating? I'm going to eat because my wife would not want me to sit there and not eat. Genuinely, she wouldn't need to say, it's okay if you eat, because I know her. But also, when you were bringing up the Chili's versus a nice restaurant thing, I thought to myself, that's it.

Chili's is just getting demolished. Chili's is getting crapped on right now. Rightfully so. That's what you get for having everything frozen in the back, Chili's. But the thing is, if you go to a nice restaurant, they would never do this. You would never have someone, unless like- They would hold it. Exactly.

They would hold the food- Why would they do that? Until it come out at the same time. If your food's ready hold the food. Why would they do that? Until it come out at the same time. If your food's ready in the back, why would they do that? Because they want it to look like they're all timed up perfectly. No, every single restaurant does that. For what purpose? Well, I'm not saying it's worse to eat together at the same time.

It sounds like you're saying it's not a reasonable thing to want to eat at the same time as somebody else. The one thing that I was worried you were going to pick up on when I shared my sushi restaurant example is that when you go to a Japanese restaurant, it's actually a standard procedure to whenever someone's food is ready, they bring it. So if my roll is ready first, they bring it. They know what they're doing. And you don't eat at the same time there. I've never, you know, and that works. Like, you don't sit there and feel like I'm not eating together

because we're eating out of slightly sink. We're sitting at the same table. It's super weird. I don't have any problem with the staggered eating. I mean, I would prefer it to all be at the same time, but we're there together. So long as we all leave full and happy with a good time i'm happy er from patreon says the three of you must put on a rap concert one man has to beat box one man has

to rap third man writes all the lyrics but then sprinkles in things like what yeah break it down i feel like we're all going to want that one. Yeah, but you have to write all the lyrics then, Jason. Oh, that's the most enticing part. The hype man part. You got bars? Oh, I would love to write some rap for you guys. I would love to. The best part about this is that I'm writing lyrics that you guys are doing,

so I can do whatever I want. Yeah, but then you're backing them up with, yeah. Yeah, you are jumping in in agreement. So if you're making us say something. Well, one of these examples is, what? So that's what I'd be. I'd be, what? Say what?

You'd be rapping some terrible thing. I'd say, what? Why that? That's offensive. I would never say that. You're rude. Take it back. Yeah, so I'm going to be.

Boom off stage. I'm going to be the mole within the group who is ruining everything. I feel like this is troubling here because Mike's the best singer by far, but he's also the best beatboxer. Not by much. I feel like Mike has to be the beatboxer. Because when we look at... Oh, man, that would put Andy actually doing the rap lyrics. I can't.

I mean... I can take care of it. You think so? No. Aw. No, it'd be a disaster. I got excited for a second because I thought maybe he was... Well, I can figure it out.

I would also be fine rapping. Because, you know, little known fact, but known. Well known, little known. Well, it's little known. It's not a secret, but not everybody knows it. That's what it means. Little known, but known? Okay.

Unnecessary to add the but known. I see that now. He starts dunking on it. He's like, no, that's how they say it. You know, no big deal. What? Shout out there. But my point is, I grew up.

That's stupid. shout out there so but my point is I grew up that's stupid I had a long time where hip-hop and rap music was like that was sure all I listened to so I feel like that's that's that's you know that makes you a rapper that's in me somewhere all right it's time to move on It's time to move on. The Spitballers Draft. We are drafting the degrees you wish you had. So if you could just, I don't know, matrix yourself a degree right now. I love it, man.

And give yourself the education and experience of a finely educated individual in a certain area of expertise what degree would you choose what area of expertise and what degree I have the first pick and there's a there's a wide range that I could go here um and I thought about like this isn't necessarily the best draft to have the 101 but then as i started thinking i was like there's no way this one makes it back to me and i want it like i want this one really bad i want it to be mine um rapper a phd in rap um no i'm gonna i'm gonna go with a phd in computer science because I've always wanted to be able to code. And I used to in high school and a little bit in college, and then it just went away. And I used to think I was like a computer genius. And then I met computer geniuses and I was like, I'm so stupid. But I mean, not only is this

one of the highest paying occupations out there so like fallback option but actually practicality i could use it for so many things so i'm gonna be a computer whiz yeah okay so you're taking a computer science degree yeah would that have is there any chance that you would have picked twice and mike would have picked twice and not taken that i would not have taken that okay it's definitely on my list but i have i have two more i would take before it at least i am not and i'll just tell you right now i am not choosing things based on practicality in fact i'm doing the very inverse i think that's how most degrees are chosen i am choosing that's what most of them are right i was looking things up for this sorry

but apparently you can get one in bassooning what is bassooning playing the bassoon impractical the you can get a degree in bassoon okay so there's orchestra instrument okay soon which which shout out some my bassooners out there peter and the wolf is fantastic but a degree a degree in bassooning look if you take your bassoon to the next level that's what you do what What I learned today is that colleges really want your money. Just whatever you want to learn, we will teach you. Just, we've got a program for that.

I am choosing things that I think are the most interesting. Fascinating. I didn't pay too much attention to salaries or how many people are doing it. Just genuinely things that I'm fascinated by or things that I didn't know you could get a degree in. And I'm going to break your heart.

Maybe, Mike. But my number one pick is going to be astrobiology. Oh, okay. Which I think the idea that I could be educated in and then work in a field where I get to look at the heavens and I get to study planets and planetary habitation and those type of things would be incredibly fascinating. Biology of the stars. I feel like, and I know this is surprising, I'm no biologist, but.

What? Yeah, I know. I feel like, I mean, I know that's obviously a real thing, but don't you have to like, to study the biology of something, I feel like you need the actual material. There's ways that they can figure it out. That's why we have astrobiologists. I feel like that's an astrologist. No, an astrologist is the people that look at the constellations and predict your future.

Yeah. An astronomer? There we go. Those are very different things. That's what I'm talking about. I'll have to go read that review again. An astronomer is just a person who studies what you can see. Where astrobiology and astrophysics, that's getting into much deeper level stuff.

See, I get astrophysics, right? The physics of what's going on out in the stars. That you can monitor from the ground. I just don't understand how you do biology from the ground. They figure it out, man. Can I get a scoop of that Mars stuff? All right, so I'm going to go with an astrobiology degree. I have astrophysics on my list,

but I was looking it up, and everything kept saying astrobiology. So I don't know if that's the same get out of my lane I know I know get out but biology and physics are definitely not anywhere related but however I won't but I'm claiming astro yes so anything at the end of astro is mine oh so turf is out I am an astro turf specialist yes that's great I've got some need for you in my backyard. Only the turf that grows on other planets, though. All right. Well, then speaking of fun degrees that I found

that sound like it would be absolutely incredible. Theme park engineering. Oh, my son would. There's only two available jobs, but those two people have a great job on the West Coast or you live on the East Coast? I love how to you and I, Mike, there are two amusement parks in the world,

Disneyland and Disney World, and then that's it. I wasn't even implying that. I'm saying that for how many roller coasters get built a year, how many actual theme park engineers do we really employ? We need two on the earth there's two main jobs but that's that job sounds super dope it does seem great i mean i guess you do have one nuance to don't screw up oh yeah yeah your math better check out better triple check that math yeah so i'm gonna take that and you know you know, engineering in itself is pretty cool. All right. My next one, it's similar to Jason.

I feel like you could probably make some good money in this, but this is also preparing for the impending takeover. So when they become our overlords, they'll know I'm on the team. Oh, so you're joining? Jason, they're going to take over. I'm taking robotics, baby. You could use your degree to help us win, to fight back. It's inevitable.

It's already started. Skynet has already been unleashed. You'll have to use the computer science degree to try to get. Yeah, apparently. But you better go. Good luck out hacking a robot. Well, that's the only way you're going to beat them is hack them. It's got to be software.

You're not going to beat them. No, it's EMPs is the only way you're gonna beat them is hack them it's got to be software you're not gonna beat them oh it's emps is the mic's riding on their shoulders so we're he's he's created most of it all right king of the robots now they're just gonna squash you that's fine all right back to me yep i am staying off the ground i can't believe you took astrobiology yeah i'm staying off the ground too i'm gonna go you took astrobiology. Yeah, I'm staying off the ground too. I'm going to go with and I think the right direction because there's like a bunch of degrees within it but it's aviation. Yep. Yeah, yeah. If you're going to be a pilot, you get a

degree in aviation or I guess you could say like aerospace depending on what you... I think you just have to get a license to be a pilot. Right, but I'm going to go to the next level so I can fly all sorts of stuff so you can talk down to your fellow that is correct yes where'd you get your degree well i mean i imagine degrees you'll get more of the wings on your shirt right oh is that all sorts of wings that's what the wings represent is i thought those were free for little kids uh not the ones made of gold yeah only the ones that went to

college for aviation isn't it funny too that there there was a time like when our parents all grew up when like pilots were treated completely different like celebrity catch me if you can style yeah because the air air flight air transportation was so like novel and like might as well been an astronaut yeah it was just such a revered professor I don't feel like... We don't revere anything now. Just athletes, that's it. Because they cram us into a tiny little box.

Well, the aviation guy doesn't do that. It doesn't matter. You're part of it. You're part of that system that put too many seats in there. My point, though, is like, name a current modern-day astronaut. Shoots. Yeah, there's a couple. Time's up. No, there's a couple. Name a current modern day astronaut. Shoot. Yeah, there's a couple. Time's up.

No, there's a couple. No, it was not top of mind. Neither one of you could. I'll give you five more seconds. No, no, you're right. It's definitely not top of mind. They're going to space. It's amazing.

But I follow some on Twitter. Okay. All right, am I up? Yeah, you're up. You got two picks. All right, so I've got a phd in computer science and that's cool and all it's very practical i mean it's very nerdy but it's very nerdy i'm a nerd i love nerd stuff um so this next one is very important because it's probably even more practical but it comes

with the most important impractical thing that is very necessary for me. Practically impractical? And that would be I'm going to get a doctor of medicine, a medicine degree, and a medical degree. No, that's what it is. It's doctor of medicine. That's what they're called. I'm getting that so that y'all have to call me doctor because I might have a PhD, but you're not calling me a doctor because I got a doctorate in computer science.

There really was a disconnect that happened somewhere. Teachers get them. If you're a teacher, you get that. But I'm saying anyone who has a doctorate, you have earned the right to be called doctor. Daddy, you worked your butt off and you educated yourself. But you're not a doctor. But you are not a doctor. Right.

That's why I'm saying that a disconnect happened here somewhere where we got to figure out how to split these things up so that they're both revered and not interfering. I feel like that's the reward for residency. both revered and not interfering. I feel like that's the reward for residency. Like a doctor, even if you go get a doctorate in another profession, you still don't have to go do another seven years of residency before you earn that

title. Doctors still go to school more than everybody else. It's not even. I'm saying for a doctorate, there should be another... Right. You should be called a doctorate. That's what you should... You know what I mean? Like, oh, you're a doctor.'m saying for a doctorate there should be another right you should be called a doctorate that's what you see well you know what i mean like oh you're a doctor he's just a doctorate it's like a poor man but they're both good they're both good but so wait what did you take i i'm so i'm an md bassoon thing uh i'm i'm an md okay and a computer programmer but now i'm

gonna take the most important science. He's a data doctor. Yeah, a data doctor. I'm going to take the most important science. Kansas State University has an incredibly important science department for me, and it's bakery science. Oh, yeah, baby. You want to taste my donuts when I got a doctorate in baking? They're going to be outstanding.

You're Dr. Donuts. Oh, Dr. Donuts. Yes. That's both my superhero and supervillain name. Oh, man. I am Dr. Donuts. Heck, yeah. Dude, I'm going to bake up the wildest stuff,

and then I'm going to prescribe myself some killer heartburn medication. Fantastic. Dr. Beatty's? Dr. Beatty's! Oh, yeah. Well, bakery science, I figured you'd eventually find your way into the kitchen. So, well done. Thank you.

Oh, my gosh. Now, where to go? I'm sticking with passions, curiosities, things that I wish that I could do. And I imagine if I went to enough school for this, you musician people need to help me with the name of the degree. Okay. But if I wanted to be like a pianist, what would that degree be? That would probably be a-

Music theory? Well, you could do a music theory one. That's more than just piano. What about performance? Would it be performance music? Yeah, probably. If I spent eight years in school, could I become a good pianist? Oh, absolutely.

Then that's what I'm going to do. Yes. That sucks. That was going to be my last. You were going to take piano? I was going to take a music degree. There's a general music degree, so you can learn different instruments. I looked that up. That was going to be my last pick because gonna take piano no i was gonna take a music degree there's general music degree so you can learn different instruments i looked that up that was gonna be my last pick because i'm terrible with music but i wish i wasn't i wish i knew how to play instruments

and al will you give me my degree right now please yes you're a doctor of musical arts and piano performance thank you thank you that Yeah. Wow. You can really play. It's not the same as Dr. Donuts, but we both have our roles in this world. I'm pretty happy with my current standing in life. I have a feeling we won't be running into each other too much in the real world. You don't run in the same crowd? I don't think we work with the same people. Oh, please. At the end, you'll be playing the piano in my donut shop as live music in the background.

I'm willing. I'm willing. Mike, you are back on the clock. All right. And speaking of jobs that I think are now kind of, they used to be more important. Sure. Like a pilot was a revered thing. And along the lines of our population growth of having to just build things quickly, it's become far more function.

Sure. But a good piece of architecture is it is timeless. It never goes away. These things become wonders of the world like when uh when uh uh notre dame when that like had that fire that was like that that was a global problem and we're all like no that that cannot happen we need to restore this beautiful piece of architecture so i'm going to be an architect i mean i'm sure i'm related to frank lloyd and in somehow right i mean you have the same last name yeah well that's that's how we're related yeah clearly but like an architect who get who gets out there and i'm not it's one

of my biggest i'm not doing performance art i'm not doing the things on the side of the road i'm doing like real buildings yeah i mean i'm gonna make like a when when do architects sit on the side of the roads showing you the plans to the buildings are there is that happening no no but i'm saying like just like the funny structures on the side of the road oh okay i it bothers me a lot that we don't seem to prioritize architecture in today's society we do not because it's efficiency it's cost it's it's. Because it's efficiency, it's cost, it's building a building for a business. It's not about what it looks like.

Instead of beauty. And like, is it because we can't figure out how they did it? Because I look at these buildings that they built in the 20s, you go, that's impossible. No, because they still- No one could do that anymore.

They have stuff from the 80s that we wouldn't really want today, but it's still architecturally unique. Like when you think of downtown, I think there's a super salad in it now. It used to be a bank. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There used to be an ice cream place, too.

There are these places in Phoenix that have completely unique, I mean, they're 80s style wild architecture. But, you know, are we going to look back at stuff being built now? I went by there just yesterday. It's actually now a munition shop. Oh, okay. It's running the gamut. Okay.

I mean, we always do. Next up, Petting Zoo. There is a rule here in Arizona that within every 20 years, it has to be a munition shop at some point in time. Every building. Every landlord has to be a munition shop at some point in time every building every landlord has a lease zone not residential but yeah any commercial property has to at least cycle through some i was zoned mo yeah that's for mo mo i love the pit that's a great one it was not on my list but not because i uh i think that one's awesome being able to sit down and have the freedom to build something.

It's incredible, man. That'd be cool. They do. And then my last one, I am not nearly as educated as I wish I was in history. I love it. Come on. If there is like a.05% chance that I could turn into Indiana Jones, I'm going to take it.

Okay. It's not practical, but there's a chance, right? There's a chance, so I'm taking a degree in archaeology. That's wonderful. Okay. I thought you were just going to go with history. Indiana Jonesologist. I thought you were going to do like a history degree. Oh, no.

No, and I was going to say you got to go something practical, like hands-on. I like that. Probably a good 10 years of my life, I wanted to be an archaeologist. Because of Indiana Jones? No, because of dinosaurs. Oh, but that's a paleontologist. That's a different degree. No, I think they both apply.

No. Archaeology is studying, like, human history. Paleontology is studying dinosaurs. Anthropology is the history of humans yes but archaeology would be like historical culture right i don't think so archaeology otherwise i spent 10 years in with the wrong ambitions yeah archaeology is fossil record paleontologists fossil record over human history you said the word paleontologist. Yeah, I know. I know. And then I'm looking up archaeology.

Oh, okay. Okay. Study of human history and prehistory through the excavation. Okay. Yeah. There you go. Well, childhood dreams crushed. Well, the worst part is I search archaeology.

Oh, no. It gives me that definition. You know what the four pictures Google shows you on the right side under the field of study? They're dinosaurs. Guess what? They're dinosaurs. Guess what's still available, Andy? Yeah.

You can make that childhood dream come true right here. Man. It does seem better than that. You could John Hammond this thing. So I am a paleontologist. All right. I take it. All right.

I don't blame you. I thought when I was a little kid, too. Dinosaurs were everything. I'm glad you reminded me of that. Got to get your roots. Ambition. I'm glad you reminded me of that ambition. Got to get to your roots. My roots. This is really cool for you to not only in the same day learn what a dummy you were as a kid, but correct the problem and still fulfill the actual dreams of your childhood.

I'm very happy for you. But you took my music pick, so I don't know where to go now that I'm on the call. You're out of picks? I've got two different ones and they're a little different Candlestick maker? It's on the list. Because you're already the baker.

You know I would go butcher first. Are you kidding me? With my meat background? Your meat background? No, I don't know with my meat background your meat your meat back no ix i don't know about your meat background let me tell you a little bit about my meat background i have been eating meat since approximately six months old my mother would bottle feed me meat so um it really started young um all right so i'm gonna so i was thinking about like, you know, a PhD in economics, just because that's, I would love to know more and be able to, the ins and outs of that world. And also it sounds pretty good for, I don't know, your economics in life, but I'm going to go more

towards the passion, more towards something that I think would be awesome, fun, that I think, More towards something that I think would be awesome, fun, that I think in a different life I could succeed with and still stay in genres that I love. And that would be a PhD in sport and entertainment management. You know what I mean? Getting to be an agent. Imagine. Because our other job is in football, and so every once in a while you get to see a phone call between a sports agent and the sports team,

and they're casually negotiating, but they are casually talking about multiple millions of dollars. So to be on one side of that, be like, look, man, you're going to give us $20 million. They're like, no, no, no, we'll give you $15 million. To be part of that, to have the backbone to stand up for a deal for $20 million would be awesome. See, and what's funny is I don't have the backbone to stand up for myself. But I would have no problem for someone else negotiating, playing hardball, doing that stuff,

just really crossing that line of comfortability. But when it's for me, I'd be like, it's okay. Whatever you offer, I'll take. So that would be fun. I think I'm going to be a super agent. I just like that the degrees went from like regular degrees to like now we have to be a PhD in that field. I started with it escalated a little bit um okay some other uh we're done right some other considerations here um i'm

surprised mike didn't take it because i know it's on his his short list of things he'd like to do metal smithing blacksmithing metal smithing is on my list um i also i don't have a lot of other ones i wrote down nautical archaeology. Apparently that's a thing. Oh, that's fun. I made a joke about turf, but actually turf and golf course management was on my list of like working on a golf course. Man, that wouldn't be too bad.

That sounds like a nightmare. What? An absolute nightmare. It gets so hot. You still got to work in the summers. It's not like you get to go out and play around a golf. You're just a landscaper. That's what you're, you're drafting a landscaper in the summers it's not like you get to go out and play a round of golf you're just a landscaper that's what you're you're drafting a landscaper in the summers i guess um i have phd in statistics with our fantasy football stuff okay you combine that with my uh

my computer engineering degree oh heck yeah all right uh one more thing what did we learn today? Oh, man. I learned that there is an instrument named a bassoon. You didn't know about the bassoon? I can tell you. You buffoon? If you told me, I'm going to draw a bassoon right now, okay?

Okay. I doubt you're going to. If you just learned what it is, your odds of getting this one right are pretty low. I think I got this one. A bassoon is a horned instrument. Incorrect. Looks like this. Is this i got this one a bassoon is a horned instrument incorrect looks like this is this correct is this a bassoon or is this no that's a flask that this is oh i can see what you're saying like it kind of looks like a science speaker that's a genie yeah coming out of a bottle totally um i learned that mike uh mike has a uh-rue pass that he would pay to remove. And I learned that in a job interview, the ultimate power move is pulling out a hard-boiled egg, staring him straight in the eye, and start peeling.

That'll do it for today, Spitballers. Thank you, Al, for all that you do here. I've got the best job in the world. Yeah. We'll catch you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.