Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Dog Food Breath & An MLB Mascot Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

Spit Hit for December 1st, 2022: On today’s episode, we talk about conference hopping, doing the squaddle waddle, and becoming a world class line dancer. In the situation room, we talk about eating dog food, risky speeding, and selling our hair. We head into the 9th inning of our show with an MLB mascot battle royale draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads on today's episode. Well, it's a good one. It's a great one. It's one of the best. It's a spit hit. And look, we enter the situation room and naturally we talk about eating some dog food. And we slide into the ninth inning of our show with an MLB mascot battle royale draft. You're going to love it.

Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scatty, scat, scat, who have a dinkity pow? Scatty, scdee-scat-scat, who had a ding-a-dee-pow? Scat-a-dee-scat-scat. Yes, it was. And then we had to go back to Old Faithful.

It was a little different, though, because I didn't end with it. It was ba-ding-a-dee. Right. That's a variant. If you look it up in the Old English Dictionary, Badingity is a little different than Badingi. Scattity, scat, scat. Yeah, but what better way to start a scat?

I'm going to be honest with you. I am disappointed that you didn't carry that all the way through. I thought as soon as it was scattity, scat, scat, scat, scat, scat, scat, I thought we were scatting the entire way through. I'm sorry, guys. I'm really sorry. Welcome into the entire way through. I'm sorry, guys. I'm really sorry. Welcome into the Spitballers. Hey.

Andy, Mike, and Jason with you. Spitballerspod.com. That's the website. Thank you so much for reviewing this show. I genuinely mean that. I check. I've got this little app on my phone, and it'll show me if a new review shows up. And people are so nice they are they

they're entertained by us that way it's crazy uh we don't understand it but we do appreciate it and it here's the thing it feels really good um to have your ego stroked. And so when we read these five-star reviews, and we're like, oh, man. We're awesome. We are so good. It makes me feel good. It's how I validate me. Who you are. Yeah, well, it validates me,

but it's how I validate myself to my wife and my children. Do you know how many five-star reviews I have? Way more than you. I've had a rough go over a few episodes, though, because some of the reviews did just tell me what I looked like and what I could fix. Right. Eyes a little too close together. To be fair to those people, you specifically asked them to do that. Well, it's because I couldn't think of what I needed done.

I'd never had. Well, now you can. But yeah, update time. Andy, do you feel like you know? Andy, this is a recent one. You need plastic surgery for your head and your hand. Your head is weird shaped and your hands are too big and small. Too big and small? Maybe that's a depth perception thing here on the YouTube?

Yeah, I think so. I mean, look at that. You're sitting profile, so obviously one hand is too big and one hand is too small. Huh. So now I'm feeling better about myself after. But it's five stars. Did you fix your head? The head's still the same shape, unfortunately.

I'm sorry to hear that. All right, time for some Would You Rather. Would You Rather. Would you rather? Jesse from Twitter, would you rather sit at the very front row or the very back row at a movie theater? Oh, this isn't even a question. One of these things is good, and one of these things is the worst. I agree. Yeah, this is really a layup uh back of the movie theater is great heck yeah it is heck yeah you want to

know what you can do whatever you want in the back row you can you can put your feet up you can lay down you could there's your you could stand up if you want you want to know who you're getting in front of nobody well the projector for me for me i'm in front of the projector you don't want to be that person right tall i i will i will give us two different kind of tangents on this one is uh by the way there are some movie theaters that are so huge that if you do sit in the back row it's like you're just watching tv at home i mean it's that big the screen does get smaller. But the front is always awful. Like the hand problem. Right.

The further away from the screen, the smaller it appears. Science. But here's what I thought the question was going to, which I am curious about for you guys. You can go to, let's say, like a conference or a talk in a big amphitheater. Would you rather be in the first row right up at the front? There's attention on you at that point, potentially. And you're just kind of like, if you're in the way, way, way far back,

you don't see as well, but you have freedom, right? Nobody can tell if you're paying attention. You need to go to the bathroom. It's nice in the back. That's exactly where I was going to go. If you are in the front row, you are in the no bathroom break zone. Usually when I'm at conferences, we've gone to many, many conferences. We're very important. Very important. So many all around the country.

That's the qualifier of importance. How many do you go to? I jet set conference to conference. I've been to three conferences in a row. I've set some jets. We've gone together. We've gone apart. We've gone for different businesses. And I will say this, and this might be the snootiest thing I've ever said. Oh no. And I've said some snooty things on this show. So far today. But, right. I've never, with the exception

of one thing I could think of, I've never been at any conference in any speaker that I've really given a crap about at all. I mean, I want to get out. I want to sneak in and out. I want to be in the back. I just, I don't care.

This is a man who wants to play Candy Crush Saga at all times. Right? I mean, tell me something important because I got jewels to move around on my phone and match them. You've just said that you've never been interested in any speaker saying anything. That's not true. I said there was one. You realize that we watched Andy give a talk at a conference once.

Oh, I'm including that. And that was not the one. I mean, look, we talked to Andy. I knew what he was going to say. That's the problem with these speakers is that usually they're not ever saying anything new. You know, it's like, I know what they're going to say. I already know everything. They're going to have a panel and they're going to talk about this topic. But it's like, let me write the questions and write the answers for you

because everybody already knows what they're going to say. How do you know so many things? How do you keep upgrading your snooty comments by the minute? I mean, it's... Let me write down the questions and the answers for you, Einstein. Yes, exactly. That's what i'm shouting in my head i am kind and polite i would never say that out loud now hold up because i feel like i am just being honest but maybe i am being snooty do you guys not feel this way at these conferences

like genuinely i like the flexibility of being able to dip out for a bathroom break. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about do you usually find value from these speakers or do you feel like they're saying nothing that ever helps you and you basically know where it's going? It's a mix. It depends on what conference I'm at. I mean, am I at something I'm interested in?

You dragged me to a conference once upon a time for the video game company, and I was pretty boring. You were pretty boring. Yes. I'm pretty sure you said I was pretty boring. I have seen, I would say, I'll go 15%. 15% I'm actually interested in. Oh, now here's a good question.

We should not be going to conferences at all based on this. No, because you want to be in the room where it happened. That's right. And the room where it happened is the lobby when the people are giving the talks. That's right. That's when the deals are being made. You go there for the connections and the relationships and the lunches. Because the cool kids are skipping the talks.

That's really the truth the talks are you know they're they're just they're just there for no reason i mean look they're there so that we can weed out all the all the uncool people right they're using an ai robot to give the talks because those don't even matter nerds did you say nerds yeah yeah get them um so i'll be at the back of both of these things the okay the the question here is how legally speaking how can movie theaters get away with selling those front row seats now i i think over time they have progressively moved back but i remember you know it when being a teenager and the front row is it is physically impossible to see the entire screen how do you sell seats that are

that close to a giant screen literally you had to scoot down in your seat so that you could crane your head back that's why they added the reclining seats for the front row that can put you full like zero g's wow you know what that's you say that but i have not sat in a front row they can put you full like uh zero g's wow you know what that's you say that but i have not sat in a front row in forever because it's the worst but is it now like yeah it's still bad still problem seeing left to right all the way man i i feel like i need to sit in a front row with the new recliners and see if that might be look my screen is bigger than yours if i'm in the front the problem and that in the front, the problem. And that's important to you.

The problem, another problem I should say, cause there's many, but the, the front and like kids always want to be in the front, you know, this, it's a weird thing about being a child. It's this novel thing. Look how close I am. Uh, but when you're that close, it's very bright, right? Cause you're right there for the, for the, right? Because you're right there for the light waves. Sears the eyeballs.

I can't snooze up there during the kids' movies. Too bright. Yeah, it's too bright. I need to be up in the back in the corner. Too bright for your paid nap. Hey, sometimes when you're a parent, you are willing to pay to take a nap. That's fair. And you're willing to pay a lot. It. That's fair. Yeah, that's called...

And you're willing to pay a lot. That's called the It's the Small World ride. Adam from the website, would you rather have to get up to get a new roll of toilet paper every time you're in the middle of a two-ski? Every time? Oh, man.

So right in the middle of every... All right. I can't wait to see what the other option is. Why are you doing it in the middle? At least finish. No, that's the would you rather question. Okay. Would you rather have to get up?

So you're going to pinch it off? No, in the middle. Like, maybe you're in the middle of your whole process. Right, right. But you've finished the first. Okay. I'm just trying to take this at face value. Or walk wet and naked across the room to get a towel that you forgot every time you finish the shower.

Okay, so rewording the question, it's basically like, would you rather have never checked for your towel or never checked for your toilet paper before doing your business? Yeah. So with the toilet paper, you're doing- And you can't phone a friend for either of these, right? No. No help, help, help. You have to solve your problem.

So you're doing the pants around the ankles, squaddle, hoddle. Yeah. Squaddle, wobble. I don't know what to call it. The hustle, the bustle across the. Waddle, waddle. And you waddle the way. Like how far away is this toilet paper?

Oh, man. I would say equivalent to the length. How far the towel is what is the furthest you have ever had to go to recover a new toilet paper roll it's bad mike oh it's bad this is a full repainting this is a this is a oh yeah i mean look oh no when we're out of toilet paper upstairs okay it's downstairs in the laundry room it's nowhere near i mean look stairs yeah oh yeah there's a vertical motion of the cheeks oh it's not good it's not good i mean if you're if i'm home alone and we do not have toilet paper upstairs there's one place to go and it's

too far away i i can tell you you know my personality. I know your personality. It never happened. You know what's funny? I've never, ever had to do any of this because I make sure. You've never had to at least exit the toilet room and go under the cabinet? I've leaned over to the cabinet from the toilet. I've never experienced the shame. What a responsible man. I've always had it stocked up, my friends. I would never put myself in that

position. You want to talk about a quad workout because you are staying as low as you can. Try squatting down the stairs. Okay? Squats are hard on level ground, but when you're squatting and walking

downstairs at the same time... Is there anything that you could do before the journey to help? Well, so in truth. Do you throw away one pair of your underpants? Is that the sacrifice? Because you could use them. In truth. And flush them.

You can't flush my underwear? You could do it. You'll have a bigger problem. You cannot flush underwear. You can give it a go. I mean, you could certainly try it. I mean, actually, I wonder if you can, right? You could.

These things, I'd say they take like a whole bag of golf balls. You know what I mean? Like you go into Home Depot and they're like, oh, there's a super toilet. I can swallow 50 golf balls. I feel like a conglomeration of golf balls, though, is not, it doesn't carry the same clog issues that a watered-up pair of underpants would. You're saying a prayer before the flush. There's no doubt about it. But now let's say it got stuck and you've got to call a plumber.

Yeah. You keep flushing. Sir, I found the problem. There was a pair of underwear in your those aren't mine previous owner of the house i just moved in today today um now in fair and in fairness to me okay because i'm not doing this to ski down the stairs squat just ruined i'm a this is widely known i'm a bidet bro okay of course so i'm already washed and clean i'm shocked but how dry but i'm not dry i'm shocked you haven't had to waddle all the way to a grocery store i why stop at the downstairs like been completely

out at the house that's called the waddle to the shower then oh is what that thing it is isn't it yeah i'm not just putting on you ever use clean wet nasty dirty under you ever pivoted to kleenex or a toilet paper of course i mean a paper towel no i've never done a paper towel it doesn't sound like a good time because i respect myself and my body quicker picker upper it's funny i feel like i feel like i'm respecting the toilet like i i don't i don't think the toilet could take uh paper towels yes it could take the paper towel really isn't you're not supposed to correct you're not supposed i gotta go home and flush a bunch of different things down my toilet yeah see see where the barometer is don't do this my equipment all right um oh what's the answer the answer is look the towel

one oh that also sucks that i've done that i look, the towel one. Oh, that also sucks. I've done the towel one plenty of times. That's a mistake that's easy to make because I have a low rack by the shower. If I don't throw it on, I've done it here at the studio. Yeah, we've all done that. And then you know when the person before you does that because the floor is covered in water. But it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable.

There's a chance of slipping And falling and actually physically hurting yourself And your Chances of Getting a wet sock Which is your greatest fear in life Getting a wet sock Is a top five terrible thing

That can happen I don't understand why would that get you a wet sock? Because you could be around there. You have just dripped all over the floor. And you're not wiping it up, Jason. Well, that's the genuine fear for me when I've done that run for the towel, well, walk for the towel soaking wet, is that I'm going to do that. I'm going to jump back in the shower as fast as I can.

It's cold. Yes, there is that. But I've left so much water that I'm worried that my spouse is gonna come into the room and slip like i need some signs i need to get a couple of those wet floor signs for this situation like a janitor i need a janitor sign just for so i can clean up afterwards i'm gonna take the i'm gonna take the towel yeah because worst worst case scenario there i'm just air drying and we're okay and it does feel good to get back in the hot water after you've done that exercise fair shauna from patreon would you rather be a world-class tap dancer or a

world-class line dancer um now just to remember this a line dancer, is that the, your arms are over each other's shoulders? No. It's like the electric slide. No, a line dancer is, line dancing is country music. Yeah. It's funny. We all thought different things. When I heard it at first.

That's the can-can. Oh, yeah. I am thinking of the can-can. Which, darn, because I would be because that's the one I would choose. Riverdance. Maybe Riverdance counts as a line. To me, line dancing is... But you're thinking Cowboys.

Yes. I mean, there was a sensation in the 90s at some point. Everyone had a... What's the tie called? Oh, bolo. Yeah, they all had the ties. Those are a regrettable part of our human history. And everyone was into line dancing. Oh, I'm They all have the ties. Those are regrettable part of our human history. And everyone was into line dancing.

Oh, I'm watching a video now of line dancing. It's real dumb. It's just, I think. I mean, electric slide is like a pop version of line dancing. But this is, I don't think you're allowed to do this without a cowboy hat. Are you allowed to line dance without boots and a cowboy hat? No. Then it's the electric slide.

Okay, even if it's still country music, now you're doing the electric line dance? I don't want to look like this. Look, you can't stand out in a line dance. You're with a bunch of people. I feel like I could tap dance. I can get a tap dance solo, can't I? Oh, yeah. Yes, you can get a solo.

Get out there. Sammy Davis Jr. can get a tap dance solo can't i oh yes you can get out there i laughed when you were reading this question because my thoughts at least to my wife uh my thoughts on tap dancing are very well known and i am sorry you're anti-tap i am sorry out there because i know that to be a good tap dancer, you have spent years and years and hours of your life perfecting this. And there is not a more wasteful thing you could do with your time or a category of dancing that is as useless as tap dancing. And they just try and they keep trying to make it cool like people will do stomp you know the well stop it's cool because they're they're like hitting on drums and things but tapped i'm talking actual tap dancing they're like they try to infuse it now with music they're like get

rock music up there and then they have someone trying to do a tap solo and it is and it is never ever in time it is it like every once in a while you hear some of the clicks you're like okay you're on beat and then they do their actual moves you're like this has nothing to do with the music you're just up there clunking and flailing around and and like the the hardest moves to do are the worst sounding moves like why would you spend so much time mastering this and you have you have wasted, like, there are so many talents. Your life. You said that they wasted their lives is what you're saying.

There are so many talents that you could have mastered. You could have been a maestro at any instrument, at any other, at ballet. I was going to ask you, do you feel the same about ballet? No, ballet is fantastic. But if you're tap dancing, I'm sorry. Mike has got you. It is just a waste, and I'm sorry that your parents did that to you. I am so sorry for the tap dancers listening.

I know there's a lot of them. Yeah, I'm sorry. And they're coming to an epiphany right now in their life that so much has been wasted. However, you can be special in that. You can't. I don't think it is possible to be special at a line dance. You tap your foot on the ground, you spin, and you walk.

That feels like a waste of life, too. But to become a world-class line dancer, it takes approximately three weeks. Right. That's start to finish. To be a world-class. 10,000 hours does not right that's start to finish to be a world class 10 000 hours does not apply to that no but this is just 10 but this is 10 hours this is instantaneous this isn't you have to go through the whole process this is you just boom you are one of these two things it's not like put in eight you know 10 000 hours to learn how to tap dance or three minutes to learn how to line dance. This is you are the best in the world at either of these. And here's the thing.

I promise you the best in the world at line dancing looks a little bit better than I do. That's it. Yeah. I mean, like, how long did it take you to learn the electric slide? One, one, one go round. One go round. I mean, you got to take the tap dancer here, right? No, because then you're obnoxious.

If you wanted to become an incredible tap dancer starting right now, you're 39, Jason? Almost 39? No, I'm 38. Almost 39. And could you do it? No, no. I've got a bit of a weight issue. You could still do it.

Like, would you be? I mean. You'd be a lot louder. Ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-pow! I wonder if you could do it. It's not really tapping. He's a stomp dancer. Is that man walking?

We've had to replace the floor six times. Really tears it up out there. No, literally tears it up. Tears up the force for six times. Really tears it up out there. No, literally tears it up. Dance floor. Yeah. Al, how are you doing?

I'm great. Thanks for asking. Do we have time for one more? Would you rather, or do you want to move on? We got nothing but time. All right. Uh,

Stu from the website. Would you rather take an international trip with your entire itinerary planned for you or with nothing planned for you? And you both know my answer. Okay. I know your answer. I definitely know my answer for sure. I know Andy's answer. I want Andy to guess what our answers would be.

I love it. Well, this is difficult. My answer is definitively I want it all planned for me. Autopilot international trip. I've done this. I've been to Israel. I did a 10-day tour, and it was planned, right? It was like the hotels were booked, the food was figured out,

breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all the destinations, hop on a bus. I didn't have to think about it that's the way i want because there's a lot to think about with international travel so i guess my initial reaction was that jason would rather nothing be planned out for him but now i think that you're all on my team i actually think all three of you would choose my because jason you like autopilot i I do. Oh, I do. And so, but I don't know for sure on Mike. Mike's the biggest wild card.

But I also think because of the international nature of the trip that Mike would prefer to have that stuff figured out for him. So I'm going to officially put us all in the same boat. Am I wrong? You are 100% correct. Yeah, you are. And it doesn't even matter. You take the the inter part and just say it's a national trip because here's what happens if nothing is planned and i am on a trip you know what i just did i paid a lot of money to sit in a hotel room and do absolutely nothing no no no

because i'm not figuring it out yeah otherwise you have to plan it i don't figure it out so here so here's where i think you're lying to yourself. It's all about knowledge and experience, right? Okay. So take Disneyland. How many times have you been to Disneyland? Incalculable. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.

You would not want to go there with an itinerary that says you're going to this place, then this place, then this place, then this place, lunch at this time, then you're going to go to this ride and over to that park. You don't want that planned out because you know it. You know where everything is. I might do that. Right, exactly. Andy would be like, yes.

If I knew I was getting the shortest lines with a strategy, I might do that. Chief's upset, 10. But it's because we are so familiar with it that we love it. When you're going to a place you haven't been, I don't want to do the research. I don't want to have to know the different places that I can't know without talking to people or reading things. I guess you're 100% right. Yeah, we looked at back when you could internationally travel. We were trying to plan our 15th wedding anniversary is coming up.

And I was like, okay, big one. What are we gonna do so a couple years ago i'm looking at trips to like ireland or something like that and uh uh so i'm a like jason said i we go to disneyland a lot i'm a dvc timeshare person and they also have so they offer really planned trips elsewhere it's not just disneyland properties they you could go somewhere else yeah they could like a disney run trip uh to ireland interesting crazy expensive yeah crazy expensive and then you start adding up okay well what would it cost me if i just did everything myself you save so much money but then you realize you have to figure everything out what is the

price you want to hire a contractor on your house you want to build it yourself exactly what is it worth to just say take care of this for me i'm gonna show up you make sure i have fun what how much more am i willing to pay for that process? It's spectacular. How much do you have? That's the answer. I mean, yeah, it could cost everything, and it's worth it, because maximize your entertainment for me with your experience. That's what I want. Or reduce the amount of times that you are confused in a foreign country.

Yeah, and that's another part is tough going internationally i want i i've talked to my kids like when they're a little bit older i want to take some two-week um international trip but i don't know where to go i mean i can tell you the names of a couple countries that's like i would like to visit italy but like you don't just go, I want to go to Italy. Okay, we're in Italy. We're here. Now what?

I don't know what to do in Italy. You'll be in Italy watching YouTube videos of how do I do stuff in Italy. Exactly. So please take care of me. I want to be a child again and take me around to the cool tour. All right. So I got it right. That's good. The Situation Room.

All right. Entering the Situation Room once again, Alexander from Patreon. Oh, thank you for your support. You and your family have been living the nomad life for years in a post-apocalyptic world. Of course, we would survive.

It has been weeks since you and your family have eaten anything substantial. You are on the verge of starvation when you come across the delivery truck full of pet food. Of all the pet foods you would have to choose from which would you choose for yourself and your family dog or cat food canned or bagged food i love the setup so much because it has absolutely nothing

to do with the question would you rather eat dog food or cat food if you had to i love but i love this setup because it may it puts me in a situation i was there i was there but i totally get what you're saying right in the end what you're just asking is a dog food or cat food candor bagged um but but in in this world that gives us the allowance the freedom the permission that you've always wanted the permission to finally eat this animal food um i can tell you for sure i'm going canned over bagged that one's done so you want the wet food that's a done see that would make it worse for me really the wet food makes it worse for me it smells delicious so oh wait what were you What were you going to say? You were going to say. You know what dog food tastes like, children? Here's the thing.

So you want the wet food over the brown kernels or whatever those things are. It all sounds so bad. I can't fathom. They're crunchy. I can't fathom taking those. The cocoa puffs? Those kernels. Actually, so here's a great story.

Uh-oh. Yeah, this is from college. I was having a bad day. A bad day with, I think I was going through a breakup ski in college. Okay. So I had a bad day. I go to my best friend's house. Her name was Tiffany.

Spoiler alert. She was my future wife. Oh, man. Your wife is a rebound? No, it was actually like a full year. It was my future wife. Oh, man. Your wife is a rebound? No, it was actually like a full year. It was a long time afterwards. I was thinking the same thing, man. We were friends for a long, long time.

I didn't know how to make the joke, and you just smashed it. That's good. But you'll totally understand this. So I'm really upset. She is a doll. She's my best friend. She makes me a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. And, you know, as like, because, you know, I.

That's how you cope. I eat my feelings as seen by my body and how many feelings I have. And so I have a lot of people. So she makes me this this bowl of cereal and we're there and I'm starving. I take a bite. And as soon as I take this is bite number one. Uno. I was like just chomped right into what felt like a rock.

And I didn't understand. It was gross. And I was like spitting it out I look up Tiffany is laughing hysterically because she just fed me dog food she put dog food at the bottom of the cereal bowl and in the bottom oh yeah she hit it they covered it with covered it with cocoa she was having herself a great time and I stormed out of this place when god jack of the box but i was also i was so angry but also so happy and like she's the one she yeah this makes like so many things make sense yeah so after this one story um but yes so i have i've had a little bit of the of the dog dry food and let me tell you that, I'm sure it could soak in milk forever.

It's not. Those are rocks. Yeah, I'm not chomping on the dry stuff anymore. I've given that up. What are you chomping on? If I had to pick an animal food to eat, it would definitely be dog treats. Dog treats like the dog jerky. It's not too far from our jerky, right?

In concept, that should be fine. I mean, it's supposed to be bacon. Right. I love bacon. And there are people whose job it is to eat this dog food. Wait, is that true? Oh, yes. That's a real job.

Don't they test it with dogs? No. No. People eat the dog food. All of the dog food is tested by people. Hold on. These are real jobs. Tap dancers.

Right. They should have. Yeah, you thought tap dancers were making mistakes with their life. These people eat dog food for a living. I don't know. Hold on. I mean, I'm just trusting you on this one. I feel like I need to Snopes this.

Yeah, well, I don't know. Owl, Jeremy. Jason was paid for a small period. It checks well, I don't know. Owl, Jeremy. Jason was paid for a small period. It checks out, I told you. That's because Jason was paid for about six months to do this job. They're paid to taste test. Okay, what is the translation of a human being taste testing something? You're like, oh, yeah, the dogs would love this.

The dogs are going to love this. How do you possibly know? What does it functionally provide in information? Because I smell my dog's food. It smells bad. And she loves it. What information is it providing these companies for a human to try it?

Because they do test it on dogs too, right? Did someone just show up and they were looking? They're out of work. It's the Great Depression, and they just go to a pet food company. Oh, do I have a treat for you? I am a professional dog food taster. They just have tricked the industry, and now it's a worldwide thing?

You going to eat that? A professional pet food taster generally earns at least thirty four thousand dollars per year and can even rake in more than one hundred thousand dollars annually a six figure dog food that man's eating a lot of dog food i mean if you're making a hundred thousand that is a lot of cans a lot of your diet is dog food and do they ask i mean like someone you know you're at a high school reunion, they say, what do you do for a living? Oh, I'm in the pet industry.

Or do you? I think if you're making 100K from eating dog food, I'm telling everybody. Don't they already know from your breath, though? I'm in the pet industry. Wait, you just eat some dog food? Can you actually brush that away? No, you can't power wash that thing away. I mean, I smell my dog's breath.

It's not good. It's the worst. Yeah. Yeah, dogs eat poop. They don't care what this man's opinion is over the canned dog food. Four out of five humans recommend this dog food. I'm taking dog canned food. Four out of five real people recommend this dog food.

Over all other dog foods. Oh, my gosh. These lucky sons of guns getting this job. Wow. All right. And I thought we had the best job in the world oh man owen from patreon i want to know what kind of oh what kind of animal food i don't care it all sucks i'd eat it all if i'm hungry order you got to order it i think dog food by principle of hating cats

right that's mine too uh i have full cat ignorance yeah cats probably eat better food is there is there dry cat food or do they do they because they've got little the commercials have me believe that i think it's all in people spend eight dollars a can for there's definitely bags of cat food okay okay well those poor yeah but i don't get the tuna fish i don't like cats i'm going i'm with jason i'm going canned wait Is there an option to eat the cats in this situation? Hold on. But is the really expensive cat food in the can, is it just tuna? Ooh, that'd be all right.

Is it just rebranded tuna that you're now paying $10 instead of $1? Alba cat. Oh, that's not bad. Very good. That sounds good. I think I'll have that. Yeah, no, I'm going canned cat food. Yeah, all right.

I'm with you, Mike. Any chance at tuna here over the Cocoa Puffs, I'm going to go for it. Owen from Patreon. A mysterious stranger approaches you with an offer. He will give you $10,000 for every mile per hour you go above the speed limit for a week. The amount above must always be the same no matter the speed limit. For example, 10 over from highways to school zones. Okay.

And if you are pulled over by law enforcement, you go to jail for six months. How far above the speed limit do you go? So if I were to go 10 miles over the speed limit everywhere I drive. For a week. I would have $100,000. That's right. That is correct. Because I would say that's my normal drive.

My casual, usual drive is about nine. School zone, though. School zone is the crucial one here. Yeah, that's rough. But even then, and I don't. School zone, you know me. I'm a speeder. But I don't ever speed in the school zone.

I'm 15 on the dot. But if I had to go 25. You'd get some side eye from the old cross guard. From 15 to 25, that's a very substantial jump. It's almost 2X. Now, here's the thing, though. I'm going to be driving so fast that I'm going to be up behind someone. I can't drive 55 in a school zone if a car in front of me is going 15.

Six months in jail. You go 10 over in a school zone, you're getting popped if anybody sees you. Okay. But then your money goes down. Jason's like, can I get to 15? I can avoid school zones. There's only one school zone I drive near in my regular day-to-day, and I can easily go around that.

I'm going up. I'm going north. I'm going north of 10 for sure. What's the highest you're willing to go, Speed Demon? 12? 15? No, come on. I think I'll go 20.

20? Isn't 20 pushing criminals? Exactly. I guess it doesn't matter. 20? Isn't 20 pushing criminals? Exactly. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I get pulled over for going 10, and I go to jail for six months. That's not even worth my time. But it's just you're far more likely to get pulled over at 20.

Like an officer seeing you going 10 over, that's not an immediate. I've been seeing 10 over a million times. That's about where I set my max on a freeway. Yep. And I know I'm not going to get popped for 10. 10 is safe. I think 10 is safe. You're getting 100,000 here baseline.

So it's just a matter of would you be willing to risk an extra 100,000? And when I say it like that, it seems pretty dumb because I'm already getting 100,000. Now, Mike, this is the question when I was reading it. I'm going, Mike is like a, for a contrarian man, he's a letter of the law driver. He is maybe like – you might have to give $20,000 at the end of this week. You might have to pay him. I am a – yeah, generally speaking, five over is where – You draw the line.

Is where I'll draw the line. Catch a cool 40 Gs? That's not bad. No. I'll take that, and I'm not going to jail. I'm going safe here. I'm not going to jail for six months. I'm going five over.

Five over? You're safe, for sure. I've thought about it. I'm looking at all the streets I drive. Most of the streets I'm on are 45 miles an hour or 65 miles an hour. The main streets, the main freeways, and 65 and 85, no problem. I'm taking that.

Mike, you're not getting popped in a school zone for five over. No. I mean, I shouldn't. Probably not. Maybe. I don't know. What are you doing, Andy?

I'll take 70 grand okay i feel like you're gonna be uh you're gonna be late to places now maybe you can only go so you can't you can't speed up it's like a punishment you have to keep it yeah because i go see the thing is is it's the the highway to the regular streets highway Highway, 10 over, okay. But regular streets, 10 over, that's a lot. Yeah, it is. That's cruising. I'm in for 10. Let's go.

All right. I'm in for 10. All right, one more. Alice from the website. Your local wizard appears at your door one evening seeking your hair for potion making, obviously. Local wizard. For every hair you offer up, he will give you a dollar,

but the catch is those hairs will never grow back. Assuming you have 150,000 hairs right now, how many are you willing to part with for good? So you're permanently giving up your hair for money right here. It's 150,000 hairs that I am giving up. You'll go bald. You're going. Absolutely.

Is that due to your impending baldness? Yeah, it's 100% correct. I'm just happy to hear that I have 150,000 hairs on my head. I was very disappointed to see that I have now been given the same amount of hair that Jason has. Yeah, take that, sucker! I believe I'll be, I don't know how long. I don't know if it'll be, I think it will surprise you two.

I believe that I will be bald by choice. I think I will shave my head earlier than you two think I need to do it. It might be like a year from now. Maybe two years from now. Will it surprise you if we both think you have already gone past the date of when you should have shaved your head? That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. Oh, my gosh.

Tomorrow it is. My point here is that I do think five years from now, maybe ten years from now at the longest, I will just shave my head and have to be forced to work out because you can look good when you're fit and bald right but fat and bald that don't work oh yeah that's gonna be the move the needle mover is that the bald head that'll do it i thought other things are gonna do it but this time it's gonna be the bald head that really gets me to stay motivated you want to motivate yourself don't just shave your head. Shave your beard, too.

Oh, gosh. That'll get you working out there, Thumbelina. That is not acceptable. But if I can get $150,000 to just up the timeline of this, I'm down. And now I'm getting $200,000 from the other. I'm $350,000 richer. I want to up the ante. Getting places super quick.

I want to up the ante to 10x here. So my count, what percentage of your hair do you give up? Oh, man. But it's not a dollar. It's $100 a hair. $100 per? So you're getting filthy rich. That's 100x.

Sorry, not 100x. $10 a hair. So you could get $1.5 million to have no luscious locks ever again. That's exactly right. The stakes need to be higher. I don't think for $150,000, Mike's going bald forever. Correct. And it's not just, you aren't just bald where you have the 5 o'clock shadow on your head.

There ain't no shadow. You're Mr. Clean. Yeah. These are gone for good. You are bald bald. Theclock shadow on your head. There ain't no shadow. You're Mr. Clean. Yeah. These are gone for good. You are bald bald. The wizard has taken them away. But 1.5, today, you shave your head, you're bald forever, but you get $1.5 million. That's a tough, like I think I have to go bald.

I think you do. Yeah. Oh my goodness. And yet, the person who has no hair is willing to pay one and a half million dollars to get their all of their hair back interesting i mean it's it's big business al borland says he's in you in oh yeah bald i wear hats all the time yeah you actually have really good hair he does you've got a thick luscious locks like Mike does, and I hate you for it. I'll sell it to you for $1.5 million.

Done! I think it's March birthdays, because Andy has great hair. Yeah, you do. I have great hair. Jeremy has great hair. But March birthdays. But May birthdays. Oh, man.

Brooks, were you born in May? I was going to chime in and say in February birthdays. But May birthdays. Oh, man. Brooks, were you born in May? I was going to chime in and say in February birthdays. Okay, there you go. You were drowning and reached up and just yelled him down. I said, take my hand, get me out. And then I was like, psych, I'm pulling you in. All right. I think that'll do it.

The Spitballers Draft. All right. This one's going to be interesting today. This is a problem. We have done these drafts with two of the major sports. This is a mascot battle royale. We have done this with, I believe, the NFL and the NBA.

We are drafting we say mascot. We just mean the team name, right? Yes. Not the city. Like the Phoenix Suns. You get the sun, not the gorilla. Why is there a gorilla for our mascot here? It's a funny story.

So we are drafting. We're doing the Major League Baseball Battle Royale. We're in a very good position here, Andy, because there are two top picks. I agree. I agree with that. Which one do you go with? I've gone back and forth. So for my first pick,

I've decided that I'm going to go with the quote-unquote mascot from detroit i'm going to take the tigers wow that was not one of the top two picks that i was really so when you said there were two picks mike i thought to myself genuinely i thought i think there are three and i included the tigers in there. Okay. But they were my third. That's fine. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. These are all the different teams in Major League Baseball. But I feel like the Tigers are a great first pick in the battle arena.

Look, it's not the Detroit Tiger. No. I have Tigers. I have a lot of them. To be fair, all of these teams are plural. I just feel like when I looked at every other potential pick, the Tigers were going to be a threat to them all. That's all.

Interesting. Look, now you know that there are three picks, and I didn't take the one Mike thought was best, so we'll see. All right. Well, I'm up into combat against your tigers. I'm going to take a whole heavenly host. I'm going to take a choir of them. I will be taking the angels.

That's cool. That was the one I wanted. We've seen the pictures of the angels in their warrior gear with their fire swords. Well, you just threw out a choir of them, though. I mean, they're singing songs. No, they're in beautiful white robes and singing. Maybe they can calm the tigers with their melodious notes. Music calms even the savage beast.

All right, so you went with angels. I'm shocked you did not go with the angels. I think that depends on how people instantly think of angels. Angels are like, okay, are we raining down fire on Sodom and Gomorrah? I mean, it will be bright. Or are we the little cherubim with the wings and the naked bottom? Are we battling to the death? We are battling to the death in this situation.

How do you kill something that is not alive? Yeah, I mean, it's a strong point. Battling to the death in this situation. Interesting. Yeah. How do you kill something that is not alive? Yeah. I mean, it's a strong point. Okay. No. That's a good pick. Okay. I went with the Tigers.

All right. Well, so I'm looking at this. Now, first off. I'm not sure you're not in the best position, Jason, because there aren't a lot of major league teams that have viable Coliseum level. No. And you get two picks yeah and i wanted to bring this up this is on brand for me because baseball is stupid um baseball team

names are so dumb they are the dumbest team names i've ever like when you look at the mascots you have so many of these that are you know we couldn't even we couldn't even draft them because they're not you know they're not they're either they're either little tiny birds right yeah oh let's get the cardinals or whatever or they're you know rays and i mean what is a philly what is a a dodger yeah what is a dodger a dodger isgers on my list. Is he playing dodgeball? All right, so anyways, now that I've disparaged Major League Baseball, you're welcome, everybody. The first pick here is the Giants. The first pick would be the Giants. For me, because you want to know the Tigers become kittens, right?

Like all of a sudden, I'm afraid of a tiger, but I'm not afraid of a cat because I'm bigger. And now Giants are just going to come. That was between giants and tigers for me. If you had your pick, so did you have giants at one or did you have angels at one? So I went back and forth. I think angels.

Knowing that the angels are already in the outfield. I guess there is that baseball connection here. I probably would have gone angels over giants. Aha. All right. So I got the Giants. And now is where we're out. Now the draft really begins. Now there's baseball team names.

You're so dumb. Look, we're here. It's local. I know that they are low to the ground, but they're poisonous. They're deadly. And I'll take the Diamondbacks. I'm going to flood this place like Samuel L. Jackson on snakes on a plane. Well, look, there's one thing that can pulverize some angels.

It's some small snakes on the ground. Oh, no, nothing's taking out the angels. I'm going straight for the tigers. Yeah, well. They're flying. All right, so you have the giants and the diamondbacks mike you have the angels and you have a pick i do have a pick i'm concerned about the rest of the list and this pick is so stupid my because i'm trying to think how is this going. One, it feels like a really good defensive pick. You know how you have the tank, right?

You have your meat shield, your true person they're blocking. And then I was thinking, well, how could this attack? And then I was like, oh, well, I guess landslides are my attacks. I'm going to take the Rockies. Are you really? The mountains. I will be taking the mountains, and I will be raining landslides upon all of you. That tells you where the second round pick was the mountains.

Yeah. That's how bad baseball teams are named. Because he couldn't find a better choice. And the worst part is they're on my list. It's a Rockies? It's an emergency pick. It's a good pick. I mean, it's good.

Now, my issue is we're in a Coliseum, right? That's how we always say, how are you getting the Rockies? You just got a pile of dirt in here. Part of the edge of the Coliseum, some mud has slid down that side. We are rock. We are Rockies, Jason. We're not the Dirties. All right.

All right. You got some boulders in there. All right. Mike submarineing his angel's steel with the Rockies. I have to pick twice. Think of me, folks. Did I submarine my team? Well, yes, because the next pick. I have to pick twice. Think of me, folks. Did I submarine my team?

Well, yes, because the next pick, I'm taking the Pirates. Yeah. The Pirates are the next pick for sure, and I'm not sure if Pirates can ride Tigers. I think maybe they can. I mean, very malnourished. They all have scurvy. Not these guys.

These guys have been eating. Haven't seen land, and they probably don't even have land legs. They have sea legs. Oh, the Rockies. What do I draft now? I think I know what would be next for me. I know where I'm going. All right. Hmm.

Hmm. I am worried that I'm going to forget one that's better. But I'm going to take the Rangers. Oh, that's a good pick. I'm going to take the Rangers because they're not little birds. That is true. One of their big perks. One of their best qualities is that they're not little birds, and they have presumably guns.

Yeah, I would assume so. Got a six shooter which the pirates have too the pirates tigers pirates and rangers pirates have like the single shot musket guns that it built into the peg legs yeah got it pirates and rangers to me were the clear next tier of like these can have that i didn't think i would get them because I didn't anticipate a mountain would be drafted. That's fair. And I still had some dream that one of those two would come back to me looking at the rest

of my list. Oh no. It does not matter at all. What comes back to me because they are all awful. Well that's this is you know where the draft really begins again. That is correct. All right, with my next pick, I'm between two.

There are a lot of birds, guys. There's a lot. Look, a really important thing about fighting. This is how a good pick always starts. It is. You got to be fit, right? You need someone who's a real athlete. You need someone who's really athletic. So I will be taking the athletics.

Okay. You've got them. Hey, what did they use the Coliseum for? Great athletic people getting eaten by lions. Look, if someone's going to have to climb up a rocky mountain, they better be athletic. Your pirates are not making it up the mountain. All right. I don't know why I have to climb this mountain, man.

That's not part of it. It's just on the outskirts. I don't want to climb it. I'm staying off the mountain. Now, here's the question, though. How do you defeat the mountain? Exactly. Kill the mountain exactly kill the mountain i mean do you just do you auto win or auto lose for it just purely existing if the mountain's just there at the end you got to

wait erosion baby you're not you're not waiting out for the rocky as soon as the rockies are gone give i'll give it about 30,000 years. And the only one that would survive that long, the Angels. Oh, no. All right, I've got two picks here, and I think I know where I'm going. Yes, you do, you lucky dog.

Yeah, I'm super lucky. I was thinking about maybe the Twins, because, you know, you get two, two. But then everything is plural. Do you get DeVito and Schwarzenegger? Oh, I just need Schwarzenegger. But if it means having DeVito on my team, I'd be willing.

You have to balance that out. But I am going with a different combo. I think a pair that's going to work very nicely together. We're going to be... All the socks? We're going to be rowdy. We're going to be rambunctious. We're going to be crazy.

We're going to be... Iunctious we're going to be crazy we're going to be i mean some would say psychopaths um we have done live tours live shows all over the country yeah and there ain't no fans that's this is true in the world i know where you're going like the philadelphia fans the phillies them crazy they're them in i mean we're getting a fight You think this isn't their first fight Guys I'm getting the fillies up in there And we're going to be scrapping But you want to know why we're going to be scrapping Because guess who's coming with them

The Brewers The Brewers baby Oh we got some drunk fillies up in here We swigging haymakers That was a really good strategy That's not a bad strategy. That's right. We're going to have fun at the very least. My team is

risk mitigation is out the window. Right. No, we're not worried about ourselves. That's right. We might be a little slowed down, but the Brewers and the Phillies were coming at you. It is a war. Oh my goodness. Mike, you're back. Lucky. I am back. My list is you're gonna be shocked. My list is running out of people need to like stop and go look

at a list of major league baseball team name. Let me name some birds if you if you're interested in some birds. You got the Orioles. You got the Blue Jays. You got the Cardinals. If you're interested in some birds, you got the Orioles, you got the Blue Jays, you got the Cardinals. If you want any of the small birds that may be a distraction on the battlefield. Now, the Reds might even be some birds. That might be Cincinnati's favorite birds. I don't know. Or it's just color. He just drafts things that can't die. He'll take a color.

The Mets. I think I may be getting pulled into this name for the wrong reasons. I'm not exactly sure what this person will bring to the fight, but all I can think of is, you know Waterworld, right? Yeah. The movie. Oh, yeah. Smash Hit.

Blockbuster Smash Hit with Kevin Costner. They called him the Mariner, right? Yeah. And I imagine a Mariner is someone who is similar to a pirate. Maybe they're a fighter on a boat. They're a good counterpunch to the pirates. Maybe they just drive boats. I really have no idea.

But in my head, they are warriors upon boats. So I'm going to close my draft with the Mariners. Well, they're masters of knowing how to read the ocean, which will be crucial here. So a mariner is a sailor. That's the definition. The definition is they're a sailor. Fine. A sailor. You got a sailor for your land that you also drafted.

You drafted the mountains, and then you put a sailor on the mountains. Mike, these things don't go together. All right. Someone needs to be on my land attack. You know what's crazy, though? When I looked at the Mariners, I'm looking at my list. 100% the only thing I thought of was just a big fish. I was thinking it was the Marlins.

What are you talking about? You can't have them. The Marliners. Yeah. The Mariners. Okay. I've got to make a final pick. Did you know that?

Yes. Are you going with the baby bears? The Cubs? I thought about it, but they're pretty small. Like, if the Tigers are small to the Giants, the Cubs are going to be real small. And they're just really cute. They are super cute. They'll distract.

Just go with the White Sox, then. I'm going with a bit of a wild card pick here more than the rock more than the rockies you you know you you took the angels yeah and they look they're up there in the heavenly realms so i'm i'm gonna take the astros oh i'm gonna take the astros because that i what is it exactly i don't know know. Celestial bodies and space. Nobody knows. It probably can do some damage to the angels up there. Okay.

Maybe. We don't know what the Astros are, but it sounds like it could work. But if you out there know what they are and they're awesome, please vote for me. I like to pretend that it's short for astronomer. Right. Super smart, though. He drafted someone with a telescope. Now, this is not the Chevrolet Astro minivan, right?

I'm not getting an Astro van, like a whole slew of them. Are you kidding me? If the Astros minivans were on here, I would have picked them already. That is a weapon. These team names are the worst. I thought you were going to go with the Padres. Oh, like the fathers? Yeah, okay.

Oh, man. To counteract the fathers? Yeah, okay. Oh, man. To counteract the angels? That's not bad. You won't attack me. I'm a Padre. Alright, well, that happened. Yeah, we made it through. Wow. What's our final just awesome warrior clans

here? Apparently the Houston Astros used to be the Houston Colt 45s. Ooh, that would have been better. But they made the pivot. I can see them changing that name. Okay. Sorry, what were you saying, Jason? So my team is the Angels, the Rockies, the Athletics, and the Mariners.

I have the Giants, the Diamondbacks, the Phillies, and the Brewers. And I have the Tigers, the Pirates. What do I have? Rangers and Astros. Rangers and Astros. Andy's team makes the most sense on just a literal plane of existence. But when you get mountains in there and tectonic plates, Mike's team takes the cake.

This shows you, Jason just said that. Look, we are only we only drafted 12 of the major league teams. And Jason was wanting to draft an Astro van within the top 12. Yeah. So I guess that means we have hockey to do at some point in the future. Oh, man. That one seems all right. That seems like I'm going to have to look at a list because I can name you about three teams.

Yeah. That'll be fun. all right. That seems like I'm going to have to look at a list because I can name you about three teams. Yeah. That'll be fun. All right. What did we learn today? I learned that Andy has literally never been without toilet paper in his life. Didn't do the squat-a-waddle? No squat-a-waddle. And he waddled away.

I learned there are professional dog food tasters that are not dogs. And I learned that mariners are sailors. That'd be fascinating. Yeah. I mean, marine, right? Yeah. No, I mean. It makes sense.

Not sure how they could fight. But maybe. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast To see what other nonsense The guys are up to