Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Domestic Pooping & The Worst Things To Find Under Your Pillow - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

Spit Hit for July 20th, 2023: You’ve waited long enough. The much-anticipated Owl scat sequel is here. Try not to step in it on your way in. We then discuss if we would rather have our wives or our children host the podcast in our absence. After talking through making our own clothes, biker bar karaoke, and defining an appliance, we close it down with a draft of the worst things to find under your pillow. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason i need a lizard a gizzard yes I'm your local wizard, huzzah! Yes, dang it! Dang it! So you two liked that? I did. I liked it a lot. I mean, I knew... No, no. I loved it. Yeah.

It was... Are you kidding me? It was... It rhymed, it was topical. I mean, it was a written rap. Well, you didn't expect something else, did you? No, I didn't. I didn't. I know he's been prepping this for months. That's what he did the first time, and it was great. Jason, we've been over this. I know. I call foul ball.

I call foul ball, and I want another one. You're not going to get one. We can't redo the music and make him scat twice? What kind of world is this? He needs a lizard, a gizzard, because he's the local wizard. Wait, hold on, hold on. Hey, what's a gizzard? Oh, cut your gizzard out.

Right, but where is it? It's something in the neck. All right. Chickens have one, for sure, and people eat it. Is Owl Borland the local wizard? He might be. At this point, he's been esteemed by the spitwads for a long time. That's true.

He's gone way too high of a pedestal. And now it's just even higher after that one. They love him. He tried to get one over on us. For those out there. Yes, yes. It's very important that we bring this up while we are recording. We have a spectacular episode 165 for you.

Would you rather? Great question and a draft of the worst things. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. If you've never joined us before, this is not normal. No, we would never let that man scat more than once every 80 episodes. But right before the episode, he's like, okay, Jason is the number one pick and he's got the scat. But I told Mike before, I said, you know, he's prepped up. And that wasn't off the cuff. He knew that if we caught him, he would have something. Now, Al Borland, did you pull out a scroll with that written on it?

I did not. No, but did you – give me the percentage. Percentage that you thought we had forgotten and Jason was actually going to do the scat. That's a good question. 87. Oh, so you really thought you were getting out of it. I 100% did.

I told Brooks the same thing. I'm going to defend. Oh, because we're in a hurry. It's football season. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to say something to defend Al, something I would never do normally.

But I've had probably, I i don't know four or five times where i've kind of thought about the scat in a more advanced way like al just did and i've messed them up yeah because if you get going and you mess off your up your rhythm like that yeah it's a problem yeah well owl's a musical man what if gizzard didn't come out right all right and you get busy and then it's all over after that. It does sound like a word that there could be some dangerous slip-ups. Right. Episode 165

of the show. Also spelled with two Z's, a gizzard is a muscular, thick-walled part. Oh, it's a... A turkey, right? And it's a bird's stomach. I thought it was in the neck. So what would be more delicious technically to eat, a lizard or a gizzard? Probably the gizzard.

Probably the gizzard, yeah. People eat that. It's on the inside. Well, yeah, and that's on a menu. You can get gizzards. I've never seen a lizard on a menu. I've seen an alligator. You can get a gizzard?

Where do you eat? Very fancy places, apparently. Oh, that's not a fancy place. That's more like when you're eating at the restaurant that's at the Bass Pro Shop. You know what I mean? You're not at a fancy place here. This is just, yeah, we can eat here, too. The built-in.

The Bass Pro Shop. Yeah. I'm just imagining. You ever eaten at that restaurant? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is that they're saying, yeah, you can eat there, too? Hold on. Is this a real place. Is that they're saying, yeah, you can eat there too? Hold on. Is this a real place?

This is a real place, man. No. Yeah, you go into some of these like these, you know. Cabela's. Yeah, exactly. They have a restaurant in there. They have food? Oh, yeah.

And they're going to have snake on the menu. They're going to have gator on the menu. They're going to, I mean, they're. And then wild game like gizzard. Mm-hmm. All right. My mind is blown right now. Thank you for listening.

If you're still listening, let's do some would you rather would you rather dude look super low calorie i was thinking of the waddle waddle waddle like that hangs from a neck of a turkey. I thought that was the same as... Oh, is that called the waddle? W-A-T-T-L-E, the waddle. That is correct. Unless it's the waddle. Which is what a baby shakes. It's covered in caruncles. Yes. Which are the little pumps.

Yes, caruncles. Caruncles, yeah. I don't know. Work that into a scat. Would you rather from Kyle on Patreon, the three of you must leave town for a business trip, but due to contractual obligations with advertisers, the show must go on. Would you rather your wives or your kids host an entire episode of the Spitballers?

Oh, man. So Al's not only doing the scat, he's trying to get us killed. Yeah, no. I mean, I would put my wife on. I think she would crush it. The two of us met at a comedy improv group. She gives me usually every draft i'm coming into i've got two or three suggestions from her so i i think she's waiting in the wings

just just just waiting for me to die so she can try to step she's like man you know if i start getting sick she's poisoning me because she wants on the show it's tough because my quick answer would have been like okay let let the wife come in here and do that but man do my kids know this show every episode nathan is my my 10 year old has listened to every episode at least twice so he may be able to hold he could definitely hold a draft down unless it was about pop culture that he didn't know. I will publicly bring something up now that there has been more than one occasion that my wife has made a joke at home. And I'm like, oh, that's a good joke. Stealing that.

And I will bring it. And I will put it in my bucket. And then at the right time, that joke will come out. And it will slay. And I will take all of the admiration. And then I will put it in my bucket and then at the right time that joke will come out and it will slay and I will take all of the admiration and then I will tell her like oh I told that joke and she's like wait did you give me credit say no no I did not 100% the same I did not give you any credit uh but the true answer to this question is I gotta go um i think everyone thinks their kids are funny my kids are funny but my youngest has literally no filter of any for any social circumstance this this dude is a savage and whatever he is thinking he will just blurt it out so maybe the last episode yeah it might be but when it comes to like radio

or podcasting i think that he would probably draw a very large crowd unintentionally all right randy from the website would you rather sleep on a cot or a hammock for the rest of your life oh man couldn't it ain't no cot holding me. I mean... Now, a cot is... I mean, someone define a cot. Okay, here's my... I know what a hammock is. While you look up the proper definition,

here's the Jason Brain definition. A cot is a little tiny bed that folds up and can then go into, like, a little bag. That's what a cot is to me so this has to be some collapsible unfoldable a camp bed particularly a portable collapsible one boom and they can't hold this fella not happening there's no team hefty boys cot well look jason there is a business opportunity the the weight i'm sure is fine i'm sure they make it with some kind of galvanized aluminum that has a well you know the the structural integrity part is really what holds

it it's not it's it's the cloth part i don't know if you know this but these cots where you stretch the like fabric out over over the metal frame they're the loudest thing in existence if you're on that cot what kind of sound oh just like the creaking yeah the creaking fabric and this is when children are on it this is when kids are on it if i'm on there no one else is sleeping because if i move one inch it's just gonna be so wonderful anyways well more noisy a cot or an inflatable mattress a cot yeah really it's the metal parts involved yeah you can get quiet there's wd-40 mattresses wd-40 i like to spray my bed down before i go to bed. Get a nice, wet sleep. I did that to somebody one time.

Jason's right. That material, it's like a canvas, and it's stretched like a drum head, and it just makes a ton of noise. That's a good comp. It's like you're sleeping on a drum. If you wanted to actually get some sticks out and set up a cot and play some music, you can succeed can succeed now a hammock's great i mean i'd rather now it's implied a hammock's going to be outside no matter what well it's only

i believe they only work between trees if it's a real hammock yeah so i mean you're going to be i mean i just didn't know if that factored in the rest of your life will you sleep outside the rest of your life like it's not a hammock's nice on a on a warm summer's day or but rain sleet snow tree branches i mean they can all come down on you i feel like i could put you know i could be outside and and put some structure up around it like a cot up above you right exactly like i sleep under the cot on a hammock i stretch this canvas so are you the monster? Am I the monster? The monster under your bed? I guess if I'm under the cot, I would be

the monster. The hammock monster. And y'all should be free. Mike, are you a hammock or a cot? I don't have a ton of hammock experience. That's a shame. I've been in one. You've never been in a hammock. Well, once you get in a hammock.

It's hard to get out. Getting out of a hammock is nearly impossible without just toppling over. Like a full spin. And falling on your face. Okay. I'm sure there's a technique that I don't know about with my lack of experience. But sleeping outside all the time. The outside is a huge problem.

It's uncivilized. The outside is a huge problem. It's uncivilized. The outside is a huge problem. But I will say this. Andy has hammocks up at his family's cabin. And I have recently gone up there and laid in one. And it's so nice. It is such a delight. When you talk about getting out of this, I need to make sure all phones are in my hands or put away.

That there can be no video evidence of me trying to get out of this hammock because this is an embarrassment i mean i will i will love to go back to the video archives and take a little oh man getting out of a hammock is its own sport put it in the olympics yeah all right ko from patreon from patreon would you rather have to craft all your pants out of old shirts or craft all your shirts out of old pants? No help from your wives or anybody else. Which is the one that most easily? Oh. It's got to be putting the shirt on as shorts.

Yeah. You've never done that? Plus, you got to. I mean. Come on. You got to. Come on. Yeah. i mean one one sleeve one sleeve and you're pretty much done your poop hole yeah you just you might want to sew up one of the

holes right um you know or at least put a button on it so my god tell me honestly you've never done that i'm sure as a child i've put a shirt on like look yourself in the mirror but i've also put pants on like a shirt i'll be honest with you i've never done that you never put your arms through both legs and pulled them up i will where does your head go yeah that's that's really the problem right in the crotch um i don't i don't have any memory of doing the shirt as shorts maneuver you have have to try it. Until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will have a memory for sure of trying on a shirt as bottoms, and I will wear it for at least 15 minutes. You get me the shirt, and just give me a stapler.

And you're good. And we're good to go. This thing is ready for live action. The other problem is all of my pants are jeans. There's not enough material. I don't want to wear hot jean. It'd be like wearing a Gildan. It wouldn't be that.

It would be you having one jean leg on one arm, one jean leg on the other, and you're bare chested and bare back. I can sew. You're just peeking out the zipper. You can't sew some material into enough material. Like a cyclops? You're telling me that there's enough material inside of one pair of jeans to be a nice shirt? Well, it doesn't say that it has to be one pair of pants. It says you craft all your pants out of your old shirts or you craft all your shirts out of your old pants.

Oh, loophole. So you're cutting these. Maybe you have to cut them up, sew them together, patch them, patch them together. But so let's say I'm a perfect seamstress, if that's what I would be. And you cut. Seamster. Is it a seamster? I was thinking the same thing.

Would I be a seamstress or would I be a seamster? Producers, please. I've never heard of a seamster. I have not either. This is like the whole ballet thing again, isn't it? The term for the male counterpart to a seamstress is a seamster. Oh, man. Yeah.

All right. You always have been a spinster. So if I was a seamster, I don't think I would enjoy a perfectly tailored jean t-shirt. I mean, I can't imagine just about anything worse than putting on a jean material t-shirt. That's awful. Agreed agreed just let me wear my shirts as pants i feel like i would have to band-aid my nips you know what i mean like that would be uncomfortable some real chafage going on yeah um where are you what are you using the zipper for that's where you look out that's your eye hole it was a mask as well yeah wait you're

putting you don't see i usually bring my shirt past my head he's not a seamster so he would be i guess i would just leave it right in front of my belly button just that way you know maybe i've got a nice belly button ring yeah i can unzip let that hang out rick from the website it is friday night so you're obviously wearing your superman costume obviously with your bright red cape would you rather be dropped into a bullfighting ring or dropped into the toughest biker bar in america um the toughest biker bar please okay now here's here's why i believe there is a chance that I can go into the toughest biker bar in America and not get in a fight.

I think I could do it. I think I could walk in, even looking dumb, and walk out. I don't know if there's a chance that I get put next to a bull in a red cape. I don't get a choice. I feel like I can't talk this bull down. I can't be like, no, no, no, it's good. I'm not going to hurt you whereas the i presume most of the bikers do you think you could have a like go into a biker bar

dress like that and hang out and have a few beers and then walk out and be it'd be all right i think i could win him over i think easily look bikers i get I get that they have the reputation, tough guys. You know, we ride together and we go to the bar. You're telling me they don't like Superman? They were little boys at one point. They grew up wanting to be Superman? I think they grew up wanting to be Lex Luthor. I think it's a facade.

I think these biker guys are real gentle on the inside. They're just teddy bears on the inside. Throwing them in a lump is not fair. No. There are many great bikers. Yeah, and I'm sure there's... But the cliche biker beats the crap out of Superman. Well, not the real Superman.

Well, okay, all right. I mean, how much kryptonite is involved? And which color? And that's bragging rights for a biker. To beat up Superman? Yeah. That is true. That's a good story. is involved and which color and that's bragging rights for a biker to beat up superman yeah that is true that's a good story i feel like you could go in to a biker bar as superman and it would be okay if i went into a biker bar as superman my goal is to leave that night with after a giant

karaoke party i'm gonna get them all in i'm gonna get these guys celebrating Superman and music. I want just you no costume in a biker bar. Just Jason. See I would actually Leslie. I feel like it would be more of an icebreaker and I would feel more comfortable in a Superman suit even as a

very fat Superman. I would feel like that Superman. It would break the ice. It would tear down their walls. They would look at me with pure anger and evil intentions at first. And then as I walked by, I think I could get them to give a good chuckle. Now, what if it says bikers suck on the back of your cape? Now we're in the impractical jokers and I'm in a punishment.

That's cheating. Let's move on. That's a great question. Spencer from the website, a very simple question. Is a toilet an appliance? Is a toilet an appliance? Oh, my. And I can see, I mean, to me, my gut reaction is no, it's not.

Why is that? Multiple reasons. I can only come up with one. Well, I've got two. Because it's not in the kitchen? No. How about your dish? Your air conditioner is an appliance?'s not in the kitchen? No. How about your dish? Your air conditioners aren't.

It's an appliance? Your AC is an appliance? Yeah. Yeah, it is. What? I think so, but that kind of submarines my arguments here. The toilet doesn't use any electricity. Yours doesn't.

That was my number one. Neither does yours. You have a supplemental bidet. You do not have your main. You don't use power. You don't plug your toilet in. Okay, that's fair. They do in Japan, but they don't do it here.

And then the other is that if I go to a Best Buy, I ain't buying any toilets. I mean, it's an appliance store. Okay, that's a very strong argument. They don't have any toilets. But are they an appliance store store or do they just sell refrigerators and microwaves? Home Depot, you can buy toilets but not in the appliance section.

Is there an appliance section or is it the fridge? Yeah, it says appliances. I think there's a kitchen section, a bathroom section. I think it says kitchen. Now, real quick. Al, you know about these stores. You've been into one. I think there's an appliance section. The first time he's ever agreed with me. 165 episodes. Now, real quick. Al, you know about these stores. You've been into one. I think there's an appliance section. And it's the first time he's ever agreed with me.

165 episodes. Now, I have a close friend of our family's who has a Toto toilet. Who is an appliance. Who has a Toto toilet. Not a bidet topper that replaces the seat, but the whole thing is a bidet. And that plugs into power. They live in Kansas? No, they the whole thing is a bidet. That plugs into power. They live in Kansas? No, they're here in Peoria, Arizona. He was mad

at my joke, and then he threw that out there. Jason didn't even get my joke. It wasn't a joke. It was a clever quip. It was a total quip, but now I'm ruining it. Here's the thing. I said in Japan... You chuckled! Be big, tough guy in the biker bar now. Thank you. Six. That's the thing. I said in Japan. You chuckled. You chuckled. Oh, yeah. Go be big, tough guy in the biker bar now.

Thank you. Six. That's above average. I'll give it a six. That's above average. Because he laughed. He had no choice. They do make high-tech toilets.

So what crosses over into an appliance? Because this probably applies to other things in your home. No one's calling other things you sit on. A chair's not an appliance. Well, hold on. Just because you plug it in. What if it's a massage chair? Not an appliance. Okay. you plug it in what if it's a massage chair not an appliance okay uh now to do something it has to do a practical for you a job that's the way to put it well it does a very important job i don't know about your toilets but mine does like

a job i don't want anything else it doesn't it doesn't it's a janitor dang it yeah um well is a garbage can that's plugged in in a an appliance a trash compactor yeah that is that an appliance is an appliance but that's an industrial machine yeah but a but a garbage can is not so where is that bridge what's a garbage disposal that's an appliance for sure i mean that's just easy if you okay let me i got another one for you you're going to a wedding of some close friends. They say we need appliances for our new apartment. Are you getting them a toilet? No.

No, you're not. Is a blender an appliance? Yeah. Big time. That's like a picture of an appliance. That's the poor man's appliance. What's an appliance to you? Wait, but here's the thing.

Unless you get a Vitamix. There's the rich man's appliance. Here's the thing. You get a home warranty, right? You buy a home. You get a home warranty. You buy a home, you get a home warranty, and that covers all your appliances. I feel like toilets are covered, but blenders aren't covered. Toilets are in the plumbing coverage. Blenders are not

covered because they're too cheap and small. Toilets are in the plumbing coverage, so there is separate plumbing coverage. Boom, bam. The blender is an appliance and is not covered. Guess where you buy toilets at the Lowe's? In the toilet section. But the blender is an appliance and is not covered. Guess where you buy toilets? At the Lowe's. In the toilet section? In the plumbing section.

That is true. I think we've got an official answer. I think we have an official answer, but I also think that we need... The toilet is just... Metaphorically, literally, it's just getting crapped on. And we need to elevate the status if you can plug one into your kitchen if you can plug one into a kitchen outlet then it becomes an appliance okay al thinks he has the answer i had wait i thought i thought we had the answer i

thought we knew that it wasn't but i just looked up the definition of an appliance okay oh definition smith finish it is a device or piece of equipment designed to perform a specific task, typically a domestic one. If that ain't a toilet. I do all my pooping domestically. I have never done international pooping to this date that I can remember. At that point, I was in a diaper. You've done no international pooping in all your life?

Let me think about this. You did some pooping in Mexico, didn't you? No, but we did go to Canada. You pooped in Canada. You pooped in Mexico. I feel like Canada's domestic. Or did you not poop? Did you hold it?

You say when you go on trips. Well, when I camp, I'm going to hold that in. I'm not going out in the woods. Okay. I'm just going to. So you do prefer domestic poop? I do. I need my appliance.

Al, what were you going to say? You said you have the correct answer. I was just going to say generally a toilet is not considered an appliance. It's considered a plumbing fixture. There you go. Fixture. That sounds right. Now, do you see, Al, any point in which that toilet could become an appliance?

Or is that just... You had me convinced on the whole once you plug it in, it becomes an appliance concept. Well, I'm glad we could answer that definitively. Alec from the website, how long is too long to use the bathroom at work? When is it unfair to my employer because I've taken too long of a break? When they notice. Well, hold on. I mean, that's the first thought I have.

If they don't notice, that's not on you. I feel like I have a different answer for my employees that I was in. OK. Yeah we're in a play. Let's talk from the perspective of the employer. OK. All right Mike go. I mean five minutes. Yeah. I mean when would you know I mean when would you start. When would you go from the compassion of man that guy's having a hard time to the, listen, some work's got to get done here. I am... Look, things don't always move quickly.

Sometimes there's a lot of things happening when I am doing my diligence. Hopefully not too many things. Okay, there's a lot of things coming out. All right. But 30 minutes. I'll give But 30 minutes. I'll give somebody 30 minutes. What?

Yes. You are a generous man. This is a one-hour shower. Oh, my goodness. Wait, you're saying at work you could get a whole lunch break on the toilet? That's incredible. I'm a generous man. You need to have poop integrity. I mean, if you're on the toilet and you're actually doing business,

I don't want you coming back any sooner than you did. That's what I'm saying. Until you're done. I understand. No way. If it's 30 minutes, let's just say that. If you need every ounce of 30 minutes, if that's your need, you've got to go home. You are sick.

You should not be at my office. There is a problem with your health. 30 minutes, it's like i take too long in the bathroom i do i do on 100 of the time when i go poop it's too long that's because i'm on my phone not because i'm doing my business that's my i was gonna bring it up the phones have created a world of they have like hey man i'd like to go check my fantasy football team and i guess i have to poop i had a 10 minute pee i'm saying 30 minutes because we've all had the poo where you're sitting there, you're 10, 15 minutes in, you're done.

But you know that if I get up and go out, everyone will have heard the flush, everyone will see me return to the desk, and then you give me another 8 to 10 minutes and it's going to be right back in there. So I'm avoiding that situation by just barricading myself in the bathroom. But there's a problem here. Other people might need to use it. And while they won't want to use it. No, they definitely don't.

Sometimes needs come before wants. Yeah, but sometimes you know you're going to be running right back in there. You don't want to give up your seat. So it's a first inin-claim situation? It's a land grab for toilets? Sometimes you could be chivalrous, as they say, and try to sneak out and let somebody else use it. But what if they've got to go number two,

and you know you've got to turn right back around? I feel like 15 minutes is more than fair on both sides. 15 minutes gives you plenty of time to do what you've got to do. And as an employer, I think that's fine. Over 15, I start to question what's going on in that room. Okay. And I feel like, do we need a doctor? Because I will call a doctor for you.

Do we need a doctor or does someone need to find a new job? New question. How long before you have to knock on the door? How long, you're the employer or another employee, how long before you are willing to check in on the person? That's a full 30. 30 in the stall. Now, is that just a check-in?

That's a, hey, how you doing? That's a knock and, Roger, you okay in there? Yeah. And then they're like, you know, making sure they're not throwing up or getting sick. And what if the response is just like, yeah, I'm okay. Then you walk away. Yeah, you're yeah okay see i don't think it's 30 minutes is where i start talking behind their back 30 minutes is where

i'm starting to point out to the other co-workers yeah you know he's been there for 30 minutes 45 minutes we are having a blast joking about this one hour i am worried and then how long until you just slide the pink slip right under the door? You're fired? That's a two-hour poop. But you have to have the verbal confirmation first that they are still alive and okay in there. Yeah. Because you don't want to have a situation. Oh, you don't want to fire a dead person? You cannot fire a dead person.

It's a bad look, bad for PR. So you can't slide that pink slip under the door while they're just dead in their own poop. Right. You have some respect. Respect the deceased? Respect the deceased. Respect the deceased. I guess a bathroom stall is one of the hardest places to identify

a living or dead person. Because the smell is one of the signals. And it already smells kind of rough in there. And I've heard you poop when you die. I've heard some do. So it's an extra poo. Dead poo.

Oh, dead poo too. I love that movie. All right. Matthew from Patreon. When does looking young for your age turn from annoying to flattering? Wait, did you just give yourself an eight? Yeah, I gave myself an eight on that joke. Thank you.

When does looking young for your age turn from annoying to flattering uh i can tell you this is my life story i mean i lived my entire life looking younger than i wanted to look as a kid everyone always thought i was three or four grades younger than i was that's a big gap yeah late bloomer thought i thought i was the kindergartner getting a tour of the high school when i was a freshman in high school. And everyone said, oh, you'll love it when you're older. And what age did you actually love it? Because you hated it when you were a kid.

Oh, it took a minute. Yeah, 35. Turned from annoying to flattering. Yeah, when you're young, you don't want to hear that from people. Of course. And when you're old, you do. Yeah, when you're young, you don't want to hear that from people. Of course. And when you're old, you do. Yeah, like your mid-30s? Is he right on this, Jason?

Yeah, I think you, now that I think about it, you are right. Because when you're in your 20s, you change to where you want to be respected as a full adult. You are, you know, when I'm 25 25 years old i don't want to be thought of as a kid anymore i mean i was married i'm a grown-up but if i'm looked at like a child when you get carded no you're still married when you when you get yes i guess you said i was married i said you still are when you get carded for anything you need to be uh an adult for 18 or 21 is that annoying or is that flattering? It changes back and then forth again. I'm annoyed now.

I've gotten back to annoyed where it's like, dude, look at this beard and this weight. This doesn't happen on a 21-year-old. This 35-year-old weight. Look at these crow's feet. You see my hairline, bro? You do not need to card me. Let's move on here.

That was a different time in my life. The first time I was not carded. It was like, oh, yeah, good. Thank you. It's like, wow. Stop wasting my time. I feel like it is. Last week was amazing.

It's younger for women. My wife, I'm sure, had a younger age at which it turned to flattery than I did. That makes sense. You know what I mean? I feel like for her, it was probably mid-20s. For me, it's mid-30s. I could be talked into 30 on the dot. If you're 30 and people think you're 20-something, I think that's the answer.

That is the age. It is 30. You want to be thought of as like if someone says, oh, you're late 20s. You're like, nope, I'm 30. What is the best age? The best age? The best age range for life your peak you know look look let me let me phrase it this way okay we do the fantasy footballers uh as our as our full-time

job and we do a ton of research and analytics and we have established that a running back's peak performance is 24 years old wide receivers peak performance is 24 years old. Wide receiver's peak performance is 27 years old on average. What is the peak performance of humanity for enjoyment? Like where do you peak? So it's not athletic performance. Correct. Is it happiness? Yes.

Is it proficiency? I'm talking about happiness. Just pure I love this age. I'm happy only because of the age i am not my surroundings or how much money or my kids just i love this age what if you've never hit it maybe you're like i'm waiting for my 60s it's more than 38 then for you to me it's late 20s late 20s i think late 20s is great i would not imagine my happiest without my kids um i'm i'm close to it i think 35 36 37 right where i'm at okay you started with 35 which

you're yeah but i felt like i was then saying that i'm not happy now i get that i get that and i'm not talking about you i'm talking about humanity well i think i think generally you have different struggles for different times of life, right? Like, do you need money to be happy? Or do you need to be content with that? More money, more problems, man. Well, I mean, because most people reach their peak earning age around 40 or 45. So you oftentimes, if you're in your 20s, you're scrapping for, you might be having more fun in some ways, but you're scrapping.

Is that better? I don't know. We've gotten real philosophical here. Yeah, we have. It's 27 years old. Do you guys know Ed Asner, the actor? I have heard the name. He just passed away.

Oh. And he's an amazing actor. But he was talking about like he was doing acting up into his late 80s. Whoa, I spelled that right first try. He was the guy who did Up. He was the Up voice for the old band. Yeah. And they also animated it after him. I did not realize that.

Yeah, so he's amazing. His voice is amazing. His acting's amazing. But what was amazing about... He's Santa Claus and Elf. Yeah. Oh, for real? He's incredible. Ed Asner's awesome. Just passed away. He was acting until he was late 80s. Because acting's not a job. He said he was acting until he was late 80s he said acting's not a job he said he was the best he ever was in his late 80s because he had so much experience learning all the nuance like

the actual acting got better because how do you not have more i mean you can't have 60 years of experience as a 40 year old absolutely he's better's better at his job, but I doubt he's going tubing down, you know, which is the key to life speed boat. Well, let's go. He's not hitting the salt river, not hitting the salt river, having a, having a good old time that way. So there's, there's different peaks. But for me, I think what's your age, physical age, 27 years old, 27.

Mike, the first thing that came to my mind was 28 to 32. 27. Mike? The first thing that came to my mind was 28 to 32. And all just philosophize that it's when you can look back and be happy and look forward and be happy. Oh. At the same time. That's very nice.

At the same time. So then it's 5 to 95. I was going to go over 95 or under 5. 40 is all right. I was going never. The key to life is knowing a few close friends that are a little bit older than you because you always feel young because you just make fun of them. Like you guys.

That's why you just marry someone older than you. That was smart of you, Mike. Very, very smart. All right, it's time to draft. The Spitballers Draft. I love drafts like this. It's imagination. The worst things you can find under your pillow.

That's what we're drafting. We got a draft integrity question here. Sure. Because Owl did the scat. And usually on the Spitballers podcast, if you scat, you have the first pick in the draft. But we also said that Jason will not be skipped on the scat. Is this you trying to get a second first round pick? Nope. This is me asking the question, what do we do with the first pick?

It goes to Jason. Okay. I totally do. Only because we did that on show 80. All right. But I will say this draft idea, what you find under your pillow. See, I thought the draft integrity was like, has to be something that can fit under your pillow,

which I think is absolutely true. Yeah. I'd hate to find a car under my pillow. What I was going to say is I love this idea. I love this draft. It's hilarious to me, and I feel like the idea is like seven things popped into my head, and I was done thinking about it. So, Jason, what is the number one pick for worst things

to find underneath your pillow? This was great. This is not one you can research. This isn't one you can Google. This isn't one you can Google. This is one where you close your eyes, you lay your head down, you slide that hand under, and you go, oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no.

Close your eyes with us unless you're driving. And look, in honor of some of our questions today, it's doo-doo. Yeah. There's a clear one. There's a clear number one. It's poop. I don't want to reach my hand under that pillow and be like, what is that? Because here's the deal.

How do you tell what anything is? You know what I mean? You got to smell it. You got to smell it. You got to smell it. And then you're going to regret having done that. The lights are off probably. You're in bed.

How many whiffs do you give this thing? Oh, I'm only going to need one. This is fresh. It is warm. No, man man you're going in for more than one no my only hope is that when i went for the whiff that i didn't get too close and dab it on my nose and then all of a sudden there's a whole new problem uh that that's the clear worst thing is part of the discovery here like how did this get here or is it just like the worst things i mean is that part of the discovery here, like, how did this get here? Or is it just like the worst things? I mean, is that part of the comprehension? Absolutely.

Like the horse head in the bed? When you're factoring in such important questions as this, you have to really. Horse head is literally on my list. Horse head is? I'm so mad that you brought it up. I don't think that can fit underneath a pillow. Of course it can. What kind of baby pillows do you have over there, Holloway?

I feel like that would become the pillow. You just wake up and your pillow's been replaced with a horse's head. So, and Brooks, he brings up, what if the way you discover this is that you're flipping your pillow to the cool side? Oh, that's even worse. I do. I am a. How many times do you flip a pillow every night? I would say my over under is probably like one and a half. I am probably. Is that like a normal thing? People flip them all every night? I would say my over-under is probably at like one and a half.

I am probably. Is that like a normal thing? People flip them all the time? Oh, my goodness. I'm six or seven to get to sleep. I flip them a lot, and then I probably flip them once or twice through the night. Really? All for the just cooler side?

Yep, 100%. I only do it if it's like I've been laying here in a while. I can't fall asleep. Let's flip it over. Let's get cool. All right. Well, I'm still going to go with my pick here, even though I feel like it obviously, like poop is terrible to find.

But there is something about, like, I mean, I don't know. Maybe you find a, maybe you're lucky. Maybe it's not a loose one. But you're not going to get lucky at all if you find a bunch of peanut butter under your pillow. So peanut butter is. I'm just as scared i'm scared for that smell because the lights i think i reached my hand in the poop and if you

do find peanut butter under your pillow this is unbelievable i had jelly on my list and i feel like i can't take jelly are you trying to get like you're throwing the sheets out with the poop right oh are you trying to get the peanut butter out are you throwing those out too no you can wash peanut butter that's the thing then you have to the peanut butter out, or are you throwing those out, too? No, you can wash peanut butter. That's the thing. Then you have to wash peanut butter out of your sheets. That's fine, because you could scrape the peanut butter off, throw the sheets in the washer. There's no chance.

You don't wash and reuse poop sheets. Peanut butter's a strong smell, too. It is. It would be- Now, the question is, once you know what it is, how do you dispose of it off your fingers? I'm probably just cleaning up right there going back to bed. Okay. Which is not what you're doing with the poop.

That is correct. That is correct. I mean, I'm going to wipe it, but I'm not going to clean it with my mouth. All right, Mike. You have two picks if you have anything left on your list. I do. You'll take jelly and horse's head. And you're just eliminating stuff for me.

But number one, this was my first thought because I was trying to put myself. Yeah, put yourself. Okay, I'm laying down. I'm a tummy sleeper. So you lay down. You go to slide your hand. And all of a sudden, there's a porcupine under your pillow. Oh, yeah.

That wouldn't be funny. Look, that's going to be a problem. Where did you come from,'s a porcupine under your pillow. Oh, yeah, that wouldn't be fun. Look, that's going to be a problem. Where did you come from, Mr. Porcupine? And I probably have a couple quills in my hand. Okay, so this wasn't a bite situation. This was a quill right in the fingertip. And this is a dead porcupine then, right? I mean, why'd you go to sleep on a porcupine?

So I said there's a porcupine under the pillow, and Jason was worried about getting bit? A porcupine bite? Let me ask you something. Would you enjoy a porcupine biting your finger? Are they known biters? Have they ever bit anything? Do they have mouths?

They're covered in weapons. Why would they bite anything? Well, it's like when a hornet goes up and bites you, right? Yes, exactly. Okay, that's a good comp. Also, I'm realizing I thought they were carnivores. That is incorrect. They are herbivores.

A porcupine? You thought they were hunting out there? Well, I mean, they're made of weapons. I thought, yeah, like let's go kill something with these quills and eat it. But they are herbivores. So, yeah, I'm more worried about the quills now. So you've got a porcupine under your pillow. That would be shocking.

All right. And, I mean, it's all about finding gross stuff under there. Well, I mean, or dangerous things like a porcupine. I'm going to go with chewed gum. All right. That was on the list. All right. I got you back for at least one of them, but you reach under and I'm not talking I wrote lots of bubble gum, like a whole

bunch of gum. Yeah, I'm not talking. It's it's been on there forever and it's hardened up. You can flick it off. No, this is someone chewed it. Yes. And put it under there. You ever had the go to sleep with gum problem? My sister had that happen. She chewed it. Yes. And put it under there. You ever had the go to sleep with gum problem? My sister had that happen to her. She chewed and fell asleep?

She was chewing gum. Oh, the hair. And that's what happened. That goes right in your hair, yeah. You wake up, and we had to cut it out. We had to cut the gum out of the hair. Many times in my life, I have had long hair, and I've had the gum in the hair. The aforementioned,

you found it under your pillow, Andy, but that's how you get it out. Peanut butter. What? You're coming over to my place? Yes. Peanut butter. You can get gum out of hair with peanut butter? It's something to do with the oils. It's not a comfortable process at all. I have heard of that before. But yeah, you use peanut butter to get it out.

What do you do to get the peanut butter But yeah, you use peanut butter to get it out. Yeah. What do you do to get the peanut butter out? Then you use some bleach to get the peanut butter out. This is a real old lady that swallowed the fly situation. For what it's worth, Jason, that is also one of the big cures for baldness. So peanut butter on the hair. Yeah, slather it on and put those

pictures up. Alright, I have a pick here and I'm going to go with... Look, I'm reaching my hand under the pillow. I've had pick here, and I'm going to go with... Look, I'm reaching my hand under the pillow. I've had a long day. Close my eyes. I reach the hand under. And gee golly, there's a bear trap.

So I have a mouse trap on mine. No, you don't. Because that fits under a pillow. A bear trap will get under there better than a porcupine will, I'll tell you that. I mean, obviously, it's set. A bear trap would be bad. I feel like the head would be the problem first. I could be.

Yeah. Yeah, it could be. I'm a light sleeper. I don't think you need to reach your hand under to find out that the bear trap is there. I don't want to find one under my pillow. I don't either. No, your hand, it's is there yeah that's i don't want to find one under my pillow i don't either no your hand it's gone um and that's unfortunate it's definitely not what i don't want to lose my hand under a pillow all right or your life yeah or your life actually i guess i do

want to lose my hand under the pillow because otherwise it's head or hand so take my hand um okay so mousetrap which was going to be my next pick. Because all I could think is like... You can take a smaller, worse trap, like a better one to find. Right, like if I took peanut butter after poop. So all I could think about... Those are quite a bit different. ...was putting my hand under and having something snap it.

But I'm going to go a different route. Because of the fact that there is one thing that is very very very common to put under your pillow for the tooth fairy oh man yeah i don't want to find someone else's tooth it's under my pillow it is on my list really teeth is on my yes oh a bunch of teeth under your pillow would be a weird thing we got there on a i wasn't even thinking about the tooth fairy. I was just thinking about what would be very disturbing to find under your pillow. Yes, teeth under a pillow would be not good.

Come on, man. You guys are killing my list. We're destroying your list. Well, here. Let's see if this one's under there. I was trying to think like, okay, what else would be real? Like, you know, you're in a daze. You don't remember what you were dreaming about.

You don't remember what's going on, what day is it, what's going on. And all of a sudden, I reach under that. What is that? It's hard. It's sharp. I'm going to pull this out. There's a bloody knife under my pillow. What have I done?

Okay. What have I done? I don't remember a thing. I do not want to pull out a bloody knife under my pillow while i wake up you're a little disoriented oh i'm disoriented i hope there's not police lights coming because i didn't do it officer i have no memory but your prints are all over exactly i just pulled the knife out maybe your blood because depending on how you put the hand under there yeah i mean uh also i don't want to i don't want to give murder tips, but this sounds like a good place to hide a weapon

because someone else is going to pull it out and put their fingerprints all over it. Yeah, I mean, it's just tough to sneak in and sneak a knife under somebody's head. That is the problem. I'm working through that part. Yeah, for your murder tips. For my murder tips podcast. Okay. I'm going to go with tip of the week.

Tip of the week. Place your weapon under someone else's pillow. Use gloves that don't fit. They'll wake up disoriented and grab the knife. Look, I imagine this would be terrible. I don't want to find a whole bunch of crude oil under my pillow. Oh, okay. I don't know if you could get that off of your body. I don't know if you can get that off of your hair.

Your bed is soaked through. That'd be scary, too, from like, I'm thinking of it on like a kerosene level. Like, well, you know, crude oil is very flammable. Yeah. It would be messy. It would be scary. So I'm going to go with crude oil. Mike?

Crude oil. Okay. I like that that pick i'm going through my list here i have one of my two picks for sure because you guys have backed me into a corner um you ever you ever made a list for a spitballers draft and then you start reading the list and you're on the air and you go huh huh, I don't really know why I put that. I can't wait for after the draft to hear the rest of your list, Mike. Or by all means, bring it up now. I mean, yeah. Okay, whatever. We'll start with the one I know while I stall for time.

By the way, this is a Jason Moore special. It's spiders. Oh, that was my last pick, you dirty dog. Now I gotta find something. I mean, a porcupine is bad enough, but if you put your hand under the pillow and it's just spiders. Oh, no.

That's something that can actually happen. Next pick. Next pick. Let's move along. What's your team right now, Jason? My team right now is i have uh poop or doo-doo uh teeth of someone else and uh bloody knife and mike where are you at with your last pick coming up so i got porcupine i got chewed gum i got spiders and i mean whatever let's move forward with it.

I thought it was funny at the time because I was, like, trying to think of, you know, a real adult nightmare. You left. You tried to leave this behind. And you reach under your pillow. And there it is. All your unpaid parking tickets have come back to haunt you. Wait, this is like the. This is like the dream of going to school with no pants on. Yeah, I think you're about to wake up.

What's the Edgar Allen, the telltale heart? Yes. You just... You can hear it? You just hear the crinkles and you go, oh, no. Of course. Unpaid parking tickets. I owe them so much money.

Oh, my goodness. Well, I love it. My last pick is going to be a baby alligator okay yeah certainly uh look out for that bite yeah that that's not going to feel very what would you rather be bit by a baby alligator or a porcupine uh the porcupine would gnaw on me with its little gums me too i'd pick a porcupine i don't think their bite's gonna hurt much although they eat tree bark so they got to be able to do some damage. I'm sure they have good teeth.

You Googled porcupines today, didn't you? I Googled whether they were carnivores, and I was sadly mistaken. You learned that they ate tree bark? Yes, I did. All right, final pick for Mr. Moore. You've got everything else under the sun to choose from. My team is peanut butter, bear trap, crude oil, and baby alligator. That finishes it off.

Jason has poop, someone else's teeth, bloody knife. I would stand to reason if it was all your own teeth, you would also be scared. That is fair. If you found all your teeth under your poop. What are you doing here? Final pick, though. Final pick was, without a doubt, set it up it was gonna be spiders yeah it was easy that was a little hanging fruit very mad at you mike um left over on my list i'm

trying to look at uh what i what i don't want to find the rest of your hair um no that'd be fine it would be super easy to clean up uh not much there um i think that what I would not want to find, I'm debating between two here. One is another bodily function, and one is just unfortunate. Okay. You got to go with the just unfortunate. You can't find pee-pee. I wasn't going pee-pee. I was going throw up.

Yeah. But all right, all right, I won't go throw up. I'm going to go with something that is very common. You find, well, maybe not for you guys. $100 bills. You just told on yourself. Yes, I did. You got me.

You got me red handed. I realized that other people might not find this. You find this in your bed. Bags of chips. Sometimes. Who put that there? But it is the worst thing possible to find in your bed that is actually realistic for some people who have children, let's say.

But yes, crackerer crumbs because you can't ever get them off the bed you try to sweep them off the sweeping motion doesn't work it doesn't work you try to just do the pull the sheet up thing and it no matter what you don't get them all and you think you got them all and you lay down and it's who eats crackers what if you stop eating

crackers in bed oh it's my children I say they're grown up it's my children that I say. They're grown up by now. They're grown up. It's my children. That excuse expired when they all turned six. No. Come on. Crackers? What are you?

I said crackers, but it's usually chips. Cookies. Whatever. I mean, anything with crumbs. Crumbs could be the answer here. It's just universal crumbs. Yeah. They're the worst.

universal crumbs yeah they're the worst if you find an uneaten saltine as you reach your hand under the pillow answer honestly where's that thing going it's going in the belly it's going straight to the old belly has that ever happened i have not yet found it i mean let's be honest if there's a saltine under my pillow, it is just crumbs. Because I'm not sleeping on a pillow and that saltine's making it out safely. It doesn't take much to crack a cracker. That's why they call it crackers. Oh, my goodness. Any other? Needles was one.

Oh, yeah. Needles would be real bad. The character from Back to the Future? No, but just like. You don't know. Youic needle. From Back to the Future? No, but just like. You don't know. You're not in on Back to the Future jokes. You get out of my life. I know Back to the Future.

Anything else that you had? I had melted chocolate because. Oh, yeah. I had that as well. Then you weren't really sure. Toenail clippings. Oh, gross. Those can hurt and are gross.

And are like crumbs. And are like crumbs. That would have been a better pick oh i should have gone that i'll take toenail clippings and i just the it's just a wet spot just wet yeah just how did this get you'll never figure out what it is you smell it there's no smell you're gonna smell that over and over and over water you'll never be able to tell that it's and the problem is like you'll get it on your hand, you'll smell your hand a few times, you won't be able to figure it out, and then you're going face in. What about a gizzard? Well, they're low-calorie, high-potassium, so it's good.

Delicious. What did we learn today? Well, it was off the cuff there right at the end, but I think we figured out the origin of the name for crackers. Oh, yeah. The snack, like this thing just cracks so easily, what should we call it? You weren't really on the uptake for the last 30 years on that one? I was not. Okay.

I've never thought about crackers that much. I learned that Jason thought porcupines were carnivores. Yeah, I did learn that they were carnivores. I learned that a toilet is an appliance. Oh. That's right. I finally settled. It is an appliance.

For you, it is. It meets the... Oh, yes. It's a very important appliance in my life. Eat this. That'll do it for today, spitballers. Thanks for tuning in and supporting the podcast.

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