Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Door to Door Cat Sales & A Pet Store Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Spit Hit for June 23, 2022: On today’s show we head back into the ‘Situation Room’ to divvy up some door to door sales responsibilities. Find out who is tasked with selling what in this extremely plausible situation. We also discuss hiccups, high-pressure sports situations, and rolling pennies before we close out the show by drafting items in a pet store to use in a fight to the death! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads, we've got a great Spit Hit for you today. On this episode, we talk about things like door-to-door sales, high-pressure sporting situations, and really bad hiccups. And then we close things down with a battle royale in a pet store fight to the death. But more importantly, do not forget that this Monday is the long-awaited episode 200, which you do not want to miss. But until then, enjoy this week's spit hit. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ba-dap lasagna. Don't get any on ya. Da-da-da-da. The lasagna don't get any on ya. Okay. All right. Shout out to my man Weird Al. Oh, yeah.

That's good. I like it. Woof. I like it. I don't like it. Not a lot. Not a lot. Not a lot. I don't like it.

Spitballers podcast back at you. Andy, Mike, and Jason. Episode 108. It's going to be great. Sometimes you remember in the third bar of the musical intro that you, in fact, are the one who has the opening scat the scat master and then you just you dive deep into the recesses of your musical brain and the weird out so the food album from weird out oh so good oh like this is a great question this is a great question. This is a great opening conversation. I'm fat. The food album from Weird Al was the first compact disc that I ever purchased on my own as a youth.

Do you guys remember the first album that you bought? Your money. Yes, I do. It wasn't given to you as a present. Your money. You went to the store and you bought it. It such a big what did you buy i had plenty of other uh compact discs as you call them from the like the catalog where you where you get i would say most people call them cds i would say most and we're getting back into this all right all right but uh no no you know i had other cds

from like the you know one cent a c CD if you sign up for life with this catalog. Oh, that's a whole other discussion. But the first one that I went into a store and purchased with my own money was Bush 16 Stone. So you were older. And yeah, I was a little bit later to the party, but it was, I mean, talk about a home run for a first album.

Oh, it's a great album. Andy, do you remember the first album you bought? No idea. No idea whatsoever. I've been trying to think back. It's funny. I have those memories of albums I did buy. You know, you'd go to the used record stores and things like that.

I remember buying a single of a garbage song. Oh, Happy When It Rains? It probably, you know. Probably. You remember singles? You'd buy singles? Yeah. So for me, it was. Yeah, for the kids out there singles what is this well they buy singles you can buy a song

at a time now that used to be like a big deal back in the day uh but for me it was for christmas one year i was given a gift card to uh to a record store And it was one of those mall record stores where a CD is $25 freaking dollars. So it was like I came in with my gift card, and then I'm sure I had to pay extra just so I could get the food album, which is legit. That thing is full of certified bangers from front to back. And on that weird Al note. Lasagna, don't get any on you.

That's right. That's right. La, la, la, la, lasagna. Add SpitballersPod on Twitter. Check us out at SpitballersPod.com for more amazing content. We have lots on the show today starting with the review review asaurus rags this one comes in from boom girl 79 oh a boom girl five stars there are very few things a 16 year old son and his mom can agree on these days however it is one is not your username boom boom girl 79

however that username in a 16 year old sure you can however the spitballers podcast manages to be one of those few agreeable things the spitballers have saved our relationship many times what by offering laughs when we needed a break from stressful driver's ed lessons or arguments about farm chores they're living on the farm their farmer fam chores it's it says farm it's fine he's reading it correctly we also have many inside spitwad fan jokes now which i know drive the rest of the family nuts i'm happy to hear that uh they just don't understand our jabs about your local wizard or making a boot the size of a continent or being allergic to poison allergic to poison poison thank you for being there to help mother and son bond during some of the most important shaping years of both of our lives. You guys are the best. Well, BoomGirl79, you are correct.

You are right. You are correct. And just to tag along. That's outstanding. I have had several game nights where we're playing code names with some friends online. And very frequently, the word poison comes up. And very frequently the word poison comes up and everyone is quite tickled when every time the word poison is said, I just jump in. Poison.

Poison. Turns out everyone is allergic to poison. We went up, Andy and I went up to a cabin and as soon as the word poison comes along, there was like a 30 minute screaming at the top of my lungs with that voice. That's great. He brought that voice back. We went on a little hike to some sort of national monument. You gotta be careful when you're out here looking for poison. There's a little placard out front of the monument.

And it's talking about this miner's town from the 1800s. Built in 1899. He read the entire thing in that voice for everyone to listen to. The voice from, what is that, Big Thunder Mountain? Oh, my gosh. That's right. Yeah. All right.

Let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather. All right. Poison. Alex from Patreon. Would you rather? All right, poison. Alex from Patreon, would you rather be down two and have to kick the game-winning field goal in the Super Bowl or be down one and have to hit two free throws in game seven of the NBA Finals? This is a no contest for me.

No debate, I'm taking the free free throws but you got to do it twice i know you play basketball i only have to do it you're down once i'm down one i just have to tie it to not be the goat or and that's not the good goat yeah it would be the bad goat if i missed that field goal i look i've watched football for the majority of my life i still remember his name scott norwood 1990 missed the field goal in the super bowl buffalo bill fans have hated him since then i shouldn't remember that name but i do right yes i remember his name, but I do. Is that the wide right? Yes. I remember his name because he was a goat. I believe that was Ray Finkel is the name you're thinking of. I will say this to your credit. I don't know how long ago it was now. Several years ago in the NBA finals,

it was the Cavs against the Golden State state warriors and there was that crazy moment they were down two they were at the free throw line hits the first misses the second and then passes it out and the guy dribbles like they thought he thought they won the game and he dribbles the clock out you're talking about uh jr smith and that was yes i don't think that was the finals i don't know how it wouldn't have been the finals when they're east versus west that was the lebron meme of him yes shouting at someone but my point is you remember not the name of the guy who missed the free throw you remember somebody else's name yeah yeah that that's fair so for me so this is a a call to, I didn't play a lot of organized sports when, when I was a young lad,

I did play basketball. I, it was one, maybe it would be maybe two seasons. And the only points that I scored came on free throws. Now, uh, now I'm, I'm older now. I understand the rules of free throws.

But I now can look back at when I shot said free throws. I did a full jump shot. I definitely jumped and landed over the line. They gave you credit anyway? Yeah, they let me have both of them. I want to see you do that over the line. They gave you credit anyway? Yeah, they let me have both of them. I want to see you do that in the finals. But I do remember the other team was very upset with the YMCA referee. Letting it happen. At the time, letting it happen.

The guy was just like, the ref. I can now picture myself as the adult ref talking to that kid who's like dominating one team and then one one kid comes in and he shoots a free throw the wrong way and you're just like really just let him shoot the referee knew those might be the only points you'd ever yeah when when a kid shoots like that you just gotta let that roll because good for him it's it's legit that's the only point for him good job buddy good job i'm proud of you i ever scored i don't organize i don't doubt that when you when you started by saying i'm older now i understand the rules of free throw i was like

wait a minute who at what age do you have to be to understand the rules of a free throw you stand at this oh i was in like fifth grade and rules of a free throw? You stand at this line. Oh, I was in like fifth grade. And you take a free throw. I didn't know that I couldn't jump, and I didn't know I couldn't go over the line. Now, here's the reality. I think the pressure. They don't teach you that. I am great at basketball.

I think everybody knows that. Oh, my goodness, Mike. You get that sound effect out. Andy and I are both great at basketball i have a one very good at basketball andy is very good at basketball andy what's our record against each other oh get get out of thousand and oh i've never lost that is false is it it's 100 false oh did you beat me once no you didn't continue yeah i've beaten you many times you're just referring to when i was a freshman when have you beat me once no you didn't continue yeah i've beaten you many times you're just referring to when i was a freshman when have you beat me more than once i have beaten you many times my friend we've

played many one-on-one games where you have been defeated and i will accept your challenge anytime and it plays yes yes i challenge me to watch this is good content. Two late 30s fellas going 1v1. It will be rough. You guys will be gassed when the score is 2-4. Jason will wait for a very windy day, and then he will challenge me. Yeah, you're darn right, because I'll back you down. You can't stop this 270 pounds of mass. You will definitely back me down.

And now you're leaning into your mass. Oh, you're darn right. And then I'll take a little layup. And I don't even care if I miss because I'm just going to box you out, get the board. I'll shoot 50 times there, pad the stats, get those rebounds. But do you know the rules of free throws? I actually do know. Now that I'm a grown up, I've learned the rules of a free throw.

So here's the thing. I think there's a lot of pressure to to make those free throws because they are automatic those are the you you should make those i don't know how i would do at kicking a field goal i've never kicked the field goal in my life so if i had to truly it's harder than you think if i had to choose one i would i would have to choose free throws here because i just don't know but what i I want to do, like which one is more appealing if I was the same quality? If you succeeded in both of them, which would you rather have succeeded in? Exactly.

If I succeed at either, I want the field goal. I want the Super Bowl. All right. Derek from Patreon. Either your eyes or your ears can now save files and upload them to the cloud for easy on-demand recall. Would you rather have your ears be a continuously rolling audio recorder or your eyes be a continually rolling video recorder?

Well, this is easy for me, fellas. Okay, let's hear it. You know how you always see those movies where people just turn the pages of the books? You know what i mean like they're just like you know they just quickly boom boom boom boom boom they just see the page of the books and they've already they can recall it they can read it okay yeah you know that that quote unquote photographic memory right that's what that's the dream is i can recall anything i've

ever seen before yes that'd be nice i would do that in a heartbeat i mean without a doubt that you're saying the video one yes the video being able to here's that's not the same thing as memorizing it you would still have to go to the right page in your mind you just now have a video of the book you read that you can now go back and read you know you it's not the question it's not do you just import all the information of everything you see it's it's recorded so you're telling me that i can't remember when i saw anything that i recorded no i'm telling you i'm telling you that you can remember it but you don't know all the words. You don't read all the words. But if I remember when I read it, I could pull it up and read it out loud right now.

Let me give you a little tip here. If you want to reference something that you've read before, you can currently turn to that page in a book or open it on your phone and read it again. But what if I'm out at a dinner party? What if I don't have any service? And it's in the woods what's then andy hold on i'll be with you in 10 to 15 minutes i just gotta read this spot in my mind i want the endless cloud recording of the audio because i will win more arguments. But you can't play it back.

You can't play that back to someone. You know what I mean? You can play it to yourself and be like, I know I'm right. And then they're like, I don't know you're right. I can't hear what's in your head. No, I think I could use that in an argument with my wife. Like, no, I'm listening to it right now. You did not say that. Yeah, I think you could.

Eventually you could establish in the relationship i can record with my ears and go back that's right that's right i feel like that would be a really easy thing to prove of like give me write down 50 numbers and and tell them to me and i will repeat them but like we can establish that i can record you could take advantage of that, though. Okay, all right. You remember when you said this? I have it in my brain. You can't see it.

Hold on. Let me go back. Okay, so here's the thing. You did say I could buy that Xbox. Yes, you did. I remember. We are talking about things that are practical and useful and recalling something to use to our advantage. But tell me what audio you're going to recall that is as beautiful as me being able to remember firsthand the Grand Canyon or that beautiful sunset or these picturesque landscapes and events and my daughter's wedding and all these things that I can see and experience.

All without sound though right yeah jason how many do you enjoy silent movies no i don't enjoy silent movies i don't even i don't even enjoy black and white movies that have full sound and soundtracks and acting i don't get that out of my life oh man that's what you'll be watching you'll be watching silent movies which do you go with mike oh man i i'm curious what the spitwads out there will pick for this too yeah it's it's really interesting and i feel like there's gonna be more practical things if you if you can remember everything that you see but knowing myself as a human and when i have a mistake

in my life and like i just keep replaying that mistake if i if i'm gonna compound that with seeing everything that i did during that mistake like if it's if it's just hearing it maybe i can let it go it would be pretty special for memories of family members and stuff like that or like raising your kids. That'd be nice to be able to just like, I guess you see it. Yeah. To be able to see it because I don't record everything. A voicemail or a silent video.

I'd rather have the silent video. Yeah. All right. You win, Jason. I'll take the video. All right, Owl. You need to post this to our Twitter as a poll, because I am curious what Andy said. This one seems really close.

I'm curious which side the spitwads land on. Cool. We'll do it. One more would you rather for us. Quentin from Patreon says, would you rather be given one million pennies that you need to roll yourself- Oh, goodness. Or be given $5, dollars worth of twenty dollar bills

right okay so if you have the 20s that means you have five you have five grand right that's such a large disparity and one million pennies is ten thousand dollars is that that's ten thousand dollars yeah that's ten thousand dollars so it's the money, but you got to roll a million pennies. Have we done this math? Did we verify this math? I will pay you $5,000 to roll those pennies for me. I mean, or maybe 4,000. And then I make an extra thousand.

You have to roll yourself. That's what it says. Oh, it did say that. You have to roll yourself. No, no, no going to the coin star machine. Give me five grand in twenties. That's a million pennies. That is not a small task.

That is one. It's 20,000 rolls of pennies because there's 50 pennies per roll. Oh, it's only 50 per roll. I thought it was 100 per roll. Wow. Yeah. I mean, this is not like this is not close. Mike, when he first heard this was like, well, that's such a large disparity of of money which means he's more on the million penny side yes i am that extra five dude if this

was one million pennies that you need to roll yourself or a 20 bill laying on the ground i'd then i would really have to stop and consider my options let me let me ask you guys this have you ever bought anything of substance so like i guess yes i guess have you ever bought anything with change yeah not since i was six back when before i knew the rules of free throws i used to do that so i i remember very vividly i went went to, I was, I don't know, junior high, where I could walk to a Best Buy. And the game, and this, for some, this will bring it back. But Syphon Filter was a, it was the hot release for the PlayStation 1. At the time, it was just called the PlayStation. Like, this is how long ago this was but all i had was uh i collected change because

i would like every week i would hit my parents up for change and my grandparents up for change and i would just like collect it so i had rolled coins and i went to best buy with them with coin all i had oh they hated you so much. Did they accept the rolled coins? They accepted the coins, but here's what I had to do. I had to write my name and my address on every single roll of these coins, and there was a lot of them. It's a $50 video game. And the address?

I had everything. I had some quarters, but I had nickels. I had dimes. I had a lot of the small things. So I remember being there in line for like 15 minutes, writing my name on all of these rolls of coins. So that way when they count them later, you're accountable to it, right? And I'm a young lad, so I'm like, oh, man.

If I'm short, they're going to get me. They're coming to jail. Throw me in the paddy wagon. You can get devices to help you roll coins, which I think is appropriate. Not to count them for you and give you money, but to just help you quickly roll coins. That being said, there's no chance on planet earth give me the minute i'm hand rolling hold on hold on if you can get uh get good enough to do these one minute per roll uh you would be working uh eight hours a day five days a week for just shy of eight

weeks for that extra five grand but that does come out to about 3030 an hour. That's the math I don't care about because I'm going to take $5,000 for free, and I'm going to run and do whatever I want for those eight weeks. I was trying to think of what if you were told you could have unlimited money all the time, but you always had to roll it. You have unlimited money, but what good does that do for you? You better write your name and your address on there. How long did you say it takes to roll $10,000? If you're working eight hours a day, five days a week,

it'd be just shy of eight weeks. Eight weeks? That's if you can roll one per minute. In pennies. I mean, yeah, if we're just talking pennies. Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah, go get yourself this big, beautiful mansion. In 50 years?

Yeah, that's not going to happen. With bleeding hands. You just can't do it your hands they smell so bad oh pennies not only that so bad they're dirty you're yes you die of dysentery long before you ever get enough coins rolled by that house a lot of dysentery on the pennies in america that's the number one uh spreader of dysentery dysentery's pennies jason's so smart he should explain something for us. Oh no. Jason explains

in 60 seconds. Are you going to spin the wheel, Al? Oh, there's the wheel. Jason gets to explain something. You have 60 seconds to explain. Hiccups. Seatbelts on airplanes, apparently.

Hiccups are something that I can explain even though no scientist can. Scientists have been baffled by hiccups. They don't understand why it happens. It happens due to carbonation that goes into the body. Any kind of carbonation. And here's the thing. You're thinking, oh, it's soda water, beer, something that is. No, no, no. Anything that has any kind of carbonation. And here's the thing. You're thinking, oh, it's soda water, beer, something that is. No, no, no.

Anything that has any kind of bubbles. Drink that water too fast is going to create basically look at the ocean when it goes and it crashes on the ground. That's carbonation in my world. And so what happens is anytime you're throwing stuff into your belly that carbonates the water, it bubbles up into your esophagus. And then all of a sudden you get these hiccups. Now, there's two different type of hiccups. There's the hiccups that are normal, just...

And then there's the hiccups that you're going to pull the side. You're going to pull the car over to the side of the road because you are in dastardly pain. You feel like your chest and your esophagus are spreading to bring a watermelon down your mouth. And so here's the only solution. They say, scare it out of you. It doesn't work. They say, grab some peanut butter. No way.

They say peanut butter? Yes. The only way to absolutely get rid of hiccups every single time is you have to take a large glass of water and you take the tiniest sips possible, tiniest imaginable, over and over and over and over until you feel like you are about to suffocate from no oxygen. And when you finally gasp for air, your hiccups will be gone. Wait, you don't drink. I thought you're supposed to drink a cup upside down.

Isn't that the. I've done that too. But that's like a 50 50 rate. You're talking 80 20 when you do the other. So that's everything you need to know about hiccups. Thank you so much. I've got two points. One, my favorite part of these Jason explainsains in 60 Seconds is he feels the panic to talk as fast as he possibly can.

Got to get it in. So much information in my mind. He doesn't just talk at a regular that it's very bizarre, but every time my wife eats a piece of bread, she gets the hiccups almost instantly. That means that the bread is interacting with the stomach acid to create carbonation. You guessed it. Carbonation. The ocean's one of the leading carbonators in the world we learned that that's right a bottle of the ocean water but you got

to get it at the crashing waves otherwise it's not carbonated at the crash yeah uh when i was a kid i watched a tv special where they highlighted the world record for hiccups which was like somebody had had hiccups for 20 years or something and when no and they're alive yes and when i heard this from that day forward every time i got hiccups i feared becoming the 20-year hiccup just a funny story there was there was a story where mike got the hiccups yeah we were we were doing a live show in California for the footballers, and we were at our hotel. We're all enjoying dinner outside. It was the bread.

This is the night. We were by the ocean. Yes, we were by the ocean. There's so much carbonation there. And we actually had like a staff contest of who can run because we were about a half mile from the water. And it was late at night. Who can run because we were about a half mile from the water and it was at late at night who can run and touch the water first i was flabbergasted with how bad these hiccups were

and the hiccups you're flab i like you guys are just like oh it's flabbergasting okay mike you're starting to annoy us now i wished for the sweet relief of death these These hiccups were so bad. And so every single one. They were violent, Mike. They were violent. It was so unbelievably painful in my chest and my esophagus. And it lasted for at least 45 minutes. I've never.

That's the longest I've ever experienced someone. That was the worst hiccup bout I've ever had in my life. It was the worst. I'm super happy we were there to experience. That was so special. It's on video. You can find it. All right.

Situation room time. Hey, Spitwads. We want to thank IPVanish for supporting the show today. Did you know that browsing online, even using incognito mode, it doesn't actually protect your privacy? That's right. Without added security, you might as well be giving even using incognito mode, it doesn't actually protect your privacy? That's right. Without added security, you might as well be giving away your private data to hackers, advertisers, your ISP, other prying eyes. Just put it on a silver platter.

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30-day money-back guarantee if you don't like it. Look, you get your money back, but they're going to give you nine months for free. So go to ipvanish.com slash ballers. Use the promotional code ballers. Claim your 70% savings. That's ipvanish. com slash ballers the situation realm all right we've got a couple of situations that we can most certainly help out with turner from patreon which by the way you can support the show become an official spit wide by going to spitballerspod.com. Click that button. You get basically an extra episode when you do it because we're always releasing one episode early. So you get early access.

You want to get ahead of the curve. Yeah. You got to be ahead on. Then you know all the carbonation facts that you can share with your friends before they know them. Yeah, you sound like a genius. The three of you are tasked with going door to door to sell three different items. You have to sell a cat for $200. You have to sell a coffin for $800.

You also have to sell an artificial Christmas tree for $300. You have one hour. If all three of you successfully sell your item you each receive 10 grand if one of you fails to sell your item you all walk away with nothing who do you believe would be the best person to sell each item so i think what we need to do here is rank the the difficulty scale of selling these items is it well more difficult per person though possibly like obviously you guys might be allergic to cats that would be yeah that would be you got to sell the cat like this jason but you're selling the cats yeah i don't think that's the best

strategy man it is 100 the best strategy because both andy and i, our eyes would be shut. Our cheeks would be bright red. Oh, no, wait, Mike. We can use that. We can use that in our advantage. If we show up in an asthma attack, we can tell. These people will feel the. This is the best cat that I am allergic. They'll feel like they have to take the cat from us to save us.

Yeah, but they have to give us $200. Yeah, that part's tough. If someone showed up to my door having an allergy attack with a cat saying can i get a 200 for this cat it would be i feel like that maybe you're an anaphylactic shock yeah i you know maybe this is from my my my past sales experience i'm a great salesman i feel like i could sell any one of these three things but a cat for 200 has to be the easiest thing on here to sell now i hate cats i wouldn't buy a cat if you if you paid me 200 i wouldn't take a cat in but you go door to door it's fair you're going to find someone who wants

a cat and you know i assume cats like dogs cost money i don't know i would never look into that but someone's gonna want this cat for 200 bucks i feel like that's the easiest thing here to sell selling a coffin for 800 dollars which now that's a good deal on coffin because coffins are is that a good deal coffins he's looked into that i have no idea no i just know that some people talk about like door-to-door coffin sales that is fabulous in my mind yeah that's a job that you know we could we all can aspire to but um because you've got to hold the coffin for a while at that once you buy the coffin you've got to really store the coffin i feel like i'm bringing a catalog or some photographs i'm not gonna have that coffin

on my back while i come that's what i was do you pull up in a hearse with the coffin in the back? Like, check this out. Like, as a door-to-door salesman of a coffin. Yeah, that's credibility. Do you have one to two of the product in the back? Oh, man. No, you can't do it in a hearse because then people – you want to show your product.

They come out, and they're afraid of you opening the door to that casket. What if you have a hearse but your horn is one of those horns that's like... I mean, it's got to be the Ghostbusters hearse. You know what I mean? If you're going to drive on up, this is like a Ghostbusters theme. Do people try coffins on? Does that happen? Yeah, do you slip in?

Do people go and pre-buy? Or is this all post? I am feeling it. There has to be people that do that. What Yeah. Do you slip in? Do people go and pre-buy? Or is this all post? I am feeling it. There has to be people that do that. What's the price on this one? I can sleep in this for eternity. But I do know that funeral expenses are- I could decompose in here.

Funeral expenses are crazy. And so I have to imagine that there's some coffins that cost thousands of dollars. Yeah, there are. So I'm going to assume that this is a good price on a coffin but still mine better have bluetooth yeah and a forever battery so you can take advantage of that bluetooth

I need jams in there I think it'd be better just putting a portable portable radio in artificial Christmas tree for $300 that should be easy if the time is right there yeah i think it'd be better just put a portable portable radio uh artificial christmas tree for 300 that should be easy if this time is right so hard in july but easy to store easy to store in the garage i mean you want to get a sweet deal a christmas like i have uh we all right so i have jason you have to sell the coffin it's the hardest item to sell here yeah and i know i could sling a coffin.

I'm positive. Mike, how long could you last with a cat? Less or more than me. That's all that matters here. I will say this. Our time is probably equal, but I am a man who loves a Christmas tree. I have actual passion and love for a Christmas tree.

I have a white christmas tree that has been up in my house i think we're going on 20 plus months like this wait it's still up this thing is just up it's up forever it's just a tree did you lose the magic it's just there and it was funny i think my kids asked probably like a week ago why is there a christmas tree in there they just noticed it and i said it's not a christmas tree it's a and i just i was like it's a summer tree and then it will be a fourth of july tree and then it will be whatever holiday we're coming up to so you've been you've been i love quarantined in your house so long, and you still haven't put your Christmas decorations away. Not all of them.

All right, so I have the cat, so I'm dead. You guys sell the coffin. You sell the coffin and the Christmas tree. None of us get any money. I go in the coffin, and then the Christmas tree you can bring to my funeral. Jason, we just got a coffin for $800. I feel like that's a good deal. Hey, it's a smoking deal, Mike.

I'm glad to be a part of it with you. You can resell it with me in it. That's not the worst thing in the world. Me and the cat. Yeah, for $300. All right. Anderson from the website. Your local wizard.

Oh, the local wizard is back. Oh, he's back. It's been too long. Your local wizard has run out of storage in his magical home. That seems impossible for a wizard. No, it is possible. i've looked into that uh he's given away potions for free because of the lack of storage he has given you three uh or i'm sorry he is he gives the three of you the following three potions okay turn invisible for an hour okay not bad just one hour though be able to selectively hear people's thoughts for two hours

okay okay and then uh turn into an animal of your choice for three hours now you must decide among yourselves who gets what potion and what you will do with it are we all i mean we're all arguing to be an animal for three hours. Not necessarily because I think invisibility is close. But yes, that is the best. Now, what animal would you be? Let's say it on three. One, two, three. Eagle.

Oh, did you say a bird? That's way better. Yeah, I'm going to be flying. I'm an eagle. And also, when you turn into a lion on your city streets, you're going to be shot. I'm in trouble. It's not going gonna last long you got three hours to die animal control i'm gonna be flying the bird is the here's the problem though

uh and i didn't say anything because i couldn't think fast enough but i think the bird is the right answer yeah it is my worry is if you turn the animal, do you get the animal's brain? Because the last thing I want to do is turn into a bird. No, you have your own brain. A bird and the bird's like, I want to eat something. No, you have your own brain. It's you, but you're just in an animal form. Okay.

Yeah. Well, that one's really cool. The only downside of turning into, say, an eagle, or I should have gone like, well, no, pterodactyls. That's not a birds the military would be there immediately um but any kind of you know if you're an eagle the only worry at all is just that you're you're looking at that three hour time limit and you're you know because you don't want to run out mid-flight and be like this is the best moment of the flight just one more

flight okay so we all would like that we'd all like to turn into I just don't know how to use invisibility for just one hour like both that and the hearing people's thoughts are incredible but I can't pinpoint the utility

of the one time use what's the one time in my life I need two hours to hear somebody's the utility of the one-time use. What's the one time in my life I need two hours to hear somebody's thoughts? What's the one time in my life I need to be invisible for one hour? Look, I can tell you what I would do with one hour. Is that a bank heist? No. No, you're thinking way too big. It's called a nap.

With the hour of invisibility? You're just trying. Oh, my goodness. It's called, i have to run to this mike do you need help yeah mike this is a cry for help i'm running to the store i'll be right back and then i just go up to the bed and i vanish for an hour because i want a one hour nap i want a one hour nap? I want a one hour nap, man. I take naps probably once or twice a week. Are you telling me that you can't take a nap without being invisible? You've never been around the collective of my three children.

I have, but I guess I've never had to completely care for them. You ever seen Macho Man do a flying elbow off the top ropes? goodness man what can we do for you mike well how could we help you can give me a potion that turns me invisible for an hour so i could take a nap he he does the same thing with the animal potion he just takes a nap as an animal for three hours i'd like to be a cat either way no matter what here this is just for he's gonna even if you get stuck with the like mind reader he's just gonna listen for when he thinks his children are like distracted oh they're gone i'm napping mike wants a nap potion for three months a one to three hour nap how much does goodness. How much does that cost? I will pay. Oh my goodness.

I'll take. Poor soul. Well, then Mike gets the invisibility because he's got very important naps. You're generous. I answered eagle first, so I get the animal. And Andy, you said that you think that this could be really valuable to hear people's thoughts selectively for two hours. That's the one I don't want since you already said it would be okay. I'll tell you what. I'm sticking you said that you think that this could be really valuable to hear people's thoughts selectively for two hours. That's the one I don't want. Since you already said it would be okay, then I'm sticking you with that.

Don't use it around me or you're just going to hear someone going, I need some sleep. I could really use a nap right now. What the spitwads don't know is that for the last three times we tried to record the show, Mike's used the hour to just nap in his chair because he told the family he's coming up to do the show, Mike's used the hour to just nap in his chair because he told the family he's coming up to do the show, and he's actually just dozed off. It's a special two-hour episode. Don't check on me.

When does that two-hour episode you recorded release? Any minute now. Oh, my goodness. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, if I wanted to give Al some credit here, he's really tied in the animal theme throughout the show. We are drafting.

We're battling once again because we can't help ourselves. We always need to fight. And right now we're stuck in a pet store and being stuck inside of a pet store means we have limited options so we are going to draft items in a pet store for a battle royale mano y mano y mano pets abounding jason has no idea what he's going to pick mike has the first pick and uh do and we're kicking it off right here right now yeah so i've made some terrible choices in these drafts in the past i still picture myself riding around on a lawnmower going four miles an hour trying to run you over was pretty epic all right so it's a pet

store so we can get pets yeah yeah i mean if you can if you can get it in a pet store then you can use it to fight and i will say i know i can get this in a pet store because i bought one in a pet store then you can use it to fight and i will say i know i can get this in a pet store because i bought one in a pet store before that's a solid uh rational solid argument uh well i just like i don't know what what's going on with pet stores these days oh my goodness okay so i am going to buy snakes. Okay. Okay. I will take snakes. I'm sure there's not poisonous snakes in a pet store, but snakes are a nice deterrent from another person.

They're a nice deterrent. They're long. I feel like I could swing a snake around. If I needed to swing a snake. If I needed to swing a snake. If you needed to swing a snake. I got a snake, man. If you need to swing a snake, you can swing a snake. I mean, that's.

Look, a lot of people are afraid of snakes. So if you had a snake flying at your face, I feel like that would be. Andy, are you afraid of snakes? I'm not a fan. I'm not terrified. I am not. About snakes flying at your face. Yeah, I'm scared of snakes uh i'm not a fan i'm not terrified i am not snakes flying at your face yeah i'm scared of snakes flying at my face mike thank you the nice thing is i i am most things flying at my face to be honest i'm right a moth a moth flying at my face i oh those are the worst here's the deal i'm not afraid of snakes now i'm don't hear what i'm not

saying if i open my door and a rattlesnake was on my porch i'd be very upset i would not like it i would shut the door i wouldn't be like i'm not afraid of you but i don't have a fear of them especially knowing that we got these items at a pet shop i know that it's not poisonous i could take whatever it's gonna you know it but but in but in the heat of the moment you're not gonna know to know for sure. Look, if it bites, it bites. It doesn't have to be poisonous. We have talked about my fear of spiders. No, tell me more. Especially big ones.

Tarantulas are instant heart attack. But scorpions are far more dangerous. They're also arachnids. Al Borland can attest. I have killed one at my house i was not afraid of it i don't i don't know what it is but i am so happy that you didn't take a tarantula because in you win or at least you beat me instantly with one item either one of you get them sure i'm heart attack so i am going to draft a tarantula and that's not coming into battle

it's not coming i'm just drafting it away from you guys i'm just taking it off the table i'm going in with three i would rather fight with three items against your four items so long as i know for sure you have neither one of you have an argument of use like you can't draft a tarantula because it's just gonna sit in the tarantula case you're darn right that's what he's gonna do in fact i'm gonna have someone kill it sorry he just going to sit in the tarantula case. You're darn right. That's what he's going to do. In fact, I'm going to have someone kill it. He's going to draft and step on a tarantula. Oh, I couldn't step on a tarantula. That would never be able to.

Oh, my gosh. I couldn't even fathom stepping on a tarantula. Oh, my goodness. I would die. After that whole diatribe, I thought for a second that you weren't going to take it, and I was going to quickly draft a tarantula. I'm so happy. That was apparently going to be on the table.

All right. At least now I can stay in this fight. Oh, my gosh. Okay. So I have a couple of picks. I'm at a pet store. I need to try to defeat you guys. And a snake was on my list. I did not have an animal on any and it is

gone it was the only animal on my list somehow a snake seemed like the only thing on my list too i wouldn't have drafted a tarantula had you not brought it up but then i would have drafted a tarantula for sure uh so i'm going to go with a couple of different things here uh i'm going to draft a uh i'm going to draft a large cage okay okay there are cages at pet stores and i i might need it if you politely ask me to get in maybe i'll fall for that great trick i might impolitely ask you and push you in there so once you you'll be in a cage so controlled me once i've controlled you yes and then uh well look i'll use uh i'll use some canned food that was on my list it's a great pick and so you know i knock you out with it jason and then put you in the cage in the pet store mike's always drafting batteries to throw at people i think you might actually not be able I knock you out with it, Jason, and then put you in the cage. Is there batteries in the pet store?

Mike's always drafting batteries to throw at people. I think you might actually not be able to draft batteries for once, Mike. Honestly, canned dog food is much better than batteries. It's great. They're bigger. You can throw that thing like a baseball. You can throw that thing. It's how you're ending up in the cage, Jason. 60 miles an hour?

How can you throw a baseball? 60's about as fast as I could throw a baseball, yeah. But you have to throw a can like a football. No. I don't think you... You don't need a spiral on a can, Mike. You need end-over-end action. You need to kick it like a football.

I don't know. We need to discover this because I feel like trying to go end-over-end, you're not going to be accurate. I think both methods will hurt your face. Yes. If they hit you in the face yes worse than the snake like the snake hits me in the face like wait was that a snake the snake is mental warfare got it yeah it's not physical pain that's what the cage will be as

well and once you're right so i am up and i'm gonna draft um something much better than a snake that he's whipping around because i don't care about the mental warfare of that i'm going to draft something much better than a snake that he's whipping around because I don't care about the mental warfare of that. I'm going to draft a metal chain dog leash. Oh, dog leash was very high on my list. Those big chain ones. I'm basically, yes, basically for my first. It was going to be my first pick, but when he took snakes, I was like, someone's going to take these tarantulas, and I am screwed. So I am taking the chain dog leash.

I mean, that thing. I'm whipping that around. You're good. You're good. That's a great pick. Wappy in the face. I had leash on there. I didn't really think about the chain leash.

That's for like the dogs that are chained up in the junkyard. Those are guard dogs. The junkyard dogs? Yes. Okay. All right. So, Mike, you're back on the clock. It's a very solid pick.

It would have been my next pick. That is for sure. Can you fight a snake with a chain? Is that a pretty good? Sure. I'd rather fight with the chain than with my fists. I'd rather stay at a distance. But here's what I know.

Come at me, snake. Here's what I know. Let's say Mike is swinging his snake around, and I'm swinging my chain around, and they hit each other. Well, that snake's snapping in half, and my chain's coming after you. Okay. All right. It's not poisonous, though.

Not a poisonous chain. Or snake. Or snake. Okay. All right. It's not poisonous, though. Not a poisonous chain. Or snake. Or snake. Mike has two picks. All right. Two amazing picks on the way. So I hope you guys can understand what I am drafting if you've seen it. I doubt it.

But I'm going to take a pooper scooper rake. Oh, sure. Okay. All right. Yeah. I mean, that wasn't too hard to understand. That was easier than the free throw rules. Those are pretty common.

I know. The free throw rules are hard. But yeah. I mean, we've all seen a... Free throw rules are hard for a fourth grader, man. Take it easy. First of all, you said fifth grader before. And a first grader. Anybody who's

watched one game of basketball, did you ever watch a game of basketball before you played it, Mike? Did you get to practice? Did they hold a practice before the game? We didn't do free throws in practice. We did layups. Alright, we're back here to pooper scooper

rake, which is a very descriptive term and we understand it. Which is a descriptive term for a three-foot rake. You got a mini rake. Yeah. But you're in a pet store, so you can't draft a full rake. I like your disparaging my attack weapon when I actually have a weapon. Yeah, I mean, it's not going to hurt that bad. I mean, my chain is at least six feet, so come at me.

All right. Pooper scooper rake to go with your snakes. Yeah, I got snakes. You ready for battle? I'm torn here. I really... I have a couple picks. I have one that I really want that I hope you don't take.

But look, we're in a pet shop. want that i hope you don't uh but we're look we're in a pet shop i i feel bad about it because i love my my animal brethren but i know that people are also scared of this animal so i will take rats so you're gonna unleash i'm coming at you i'm coming at you with an army of snakes and rats and nightmares. So if you can get about a foot off the ground, you're safe from Mike's warfare. Yes. And also, just to be clear. You ever watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Just to be clear.

You seen those rats? You don't get a fleet of rats, right? You're not getting 20 rakes, are you? You just drafted a rat. But I get rats. There's multiple rats in the pet shop. Okay, I'll give you just drafted a rat but i get rats there's multiple rats in the okay i'll give you two i'll give you two oh no i get at least five that's fine i will step on them okay so you will not if we're in a battle to the death you're darn right i'm gonna step on them let me ask 270 pounds of rat squash hold on i i want i need to ask a question because

we're half we're more than halfway through the draft your black plague and jason are you any closer to using the tarantula for a weapon never than you were at the beginning of this draft never the only way i would ever use it is if you guys could find a way to draft something that makes me need to um take an easy way out and then i would go and take the tarantula heart attack uh well i want to get you in the cage we'll use that tarantula jason oh no you're you're back on the clock all right this is uh this is great this was gonna i got my first and second pick here and we're in the second and third round um i am taking a three foot one of those super long dog bones you know those those for those massive there is no such thing as a three foot dog i buy them i buy them three foot dog bones i personally buy them i know there are if you go to christmas some picture you throwing that

thing around oh i'm not throwing it that's a dog bone it's great to picture you throwing that thing around. A three-foot dog bone? It's a baseball bat, man. I am taking this thing as a... You're talking about one of those things that almost... It's not even like a bone itself. It's more of like a... It's a rawhide-created... Yeah, rawhide. It's got like two balls at the end, and I buy them all the time.

Erroneous. Three feet. Oh, no. I'm telling you. Think about this, Mike. I'm telling you you don't know what three feet looks like. Do you remember the Christmas season? Have you ever been to a pet shop at a christmas season yes they changed them from the normal bone shape to a uh candy cane shape and they're gigantic they're they're dog christmas treats

they're they're three feet minimum maybe four feet and they're huge massive bones we bring them in and it's so funny to watch like our dogs have them in their mouth and carry it because they can barely lift the thing i buy these i'm telling you i'm coming at you with a three foot baseball bat bone well the only thing i can find let's see but i find three foot ultra light dog bone we'll give you that doesn't sound very will you accept a huge dog bone as your yes 100 because dog bone was on my list. Dog bone is definitely a great attack. I will accept a huge three-foot dog bone. It's a three-foot dog bone, which I did look for a huge dog bone, and it came up as a three-foot dog bone, Mike.

We have proof. They are out there. I've bought them many times in a store. Mike so far has snakes, a pooper scooper rake. Rats. And rats. Jason has a tarantula. You guys are definitely overselling how you are not afraid of rats. Okay.

All right. I would be afraid of rats at my house. If I was laying in bed and a rat came across the room, I'd be terrified. I would be terrified. We used to have rats. I had pet rats for a while. I'm not saying I would not be afraid of rats i would absolutely you're right i would be terrified of rats but if i'm in a an arena and we are here to battle and battle to the death and i am prepared to fight and kill or be killed

and these rats are coming at me sure i will kill and i am confident i will win that fight now if it's like 100 rats okay okay, then I'm dead. Did you know that while the rats are attacking you, I am also attacking you with my pooper scooper. With his pooper scooper. Extra bacteria. Okay. Jason.

So Mike has snakes, pooper scooper, rake, and rats. Jason has tarantulas that have been cast to the side, a chain leash, andake, and rats. Jason has tarantulas that have been cast to the side. A chain leash and a huge dog bone. Can the record show these are caged tarantulas? Caged, caged tarantulas. I have a large cage in and of itself.

Some canned food to throw. And I've got to finish out my draft right here. And look, I'm going to blind you guys. Ooh. Because I'm throwing cat litter in your face. Oh, excellent. If that's just like dirt, that's a great pick. I'm going to blind you. That's right.

Take that. I saw that on Bloodsport. Bloodsport? Yeah, Bloodsport. That's exactly what I was thinking of. I'm 100% sure it was cat litter it was definitely cat litter uh and uh this last pick is it's going a little deeper but uh it's it's a dog toy and i'm taking a tennis ball bazooka

because they may they make those to shoot tennis balls a A tennis ball bazooka, baby. Now, are these just like a little air pump? Like you pump it and it shoots it out like a... It shoots the ball out for the dog to go get, but I'm going to shoot it at your face. Okay. Okay. But now, to be clear, what you're shooting at my face is a tennis ball. At a high rate of speed, Jason.

Hold on. What's the miles per hour we get out of this bad dog? Well, bazooka you get bazooka miles per hour that's that's an official measurement it's bazooka it's a bazooka i like i would have to disagree with you jason bazooka miles per hour to the face is not gonna be okay with a tennis ball i mean a lot of things are hitting people in the face snakes and uh hey that's rats tennis balls it says if you pull the lever all the way back it'll launch about 50 feet i don't know what the velocity is but well you're only gonna be two feet away when i fire this at close range that's gonna be at close range that would hurt at at a distance i'll be able to dodge

but at close range out here and honestly honestly, that's a very clever pick. I had not seen it or thought about it. And kudos. I think that's... I also need to purchase one of these for my dog so I can launch... And I need to purchase one for my children so I can launch it at them, teach them a lesson.

All right, so am I on the phone? Yeah, you got your last pick jay all right i got a couple different ones here but i think i'm gonna go i'm gonna go eventually you got to go for that final kill you know i knock you out with the dog bone i whip you around and tie you up with the leash the tarantulas are keeping me safe and they're just hanging out they're just hanging out they're watching far far away but once i've got you a little incapacitated i don't know if you have seen these there are safety versions and non-safety versions i will definitely not be taking this is not going well but the safety no, no. I'm just saying some.

The ones that we have bought are very not safe. They are as dangerous as any tool you'd get at Home Depot. They are large breed dog nail clippers, and they're basically like little shears. They're just... Yeah, I see. So you're going to chop us up with these? I'm going to slice your neck. But it's a nail clipper.

So the opening of the hole is only probably about an inch and a half, two inches. They look like a garden tool. Yeah, it looks like a garden shear. So you're giving me a bunch of pinches. It's going to be a lot of work. Oh, it won't be pinches. Trust me. These things are so sharp, it is terrifying.

I get these things anywhere near your skin and it is a gash and you don't want that gash on your neck mike okay all right all right that's fair um let's see so i got what i got snakes i got a poop i got a snake man i got a snake man i got a pooper scooper rake. I got some rats. Mike's Mike saying, reading that list with, with a little bit of different inflection in his voice, like not pure confidence in this battle.

Well, it's, it's honestly, it all comes down to the imagination of the voter. How many of these animals do I get? Because if it's two rats, that's not a problem. If I get 20 rats, that's

a big problem if I'm going 1v1 here. I am going to select aquariums. I will take aquariums. It was on my list. Just to drop it and have shorts of glass.

This is a glass aquarium that i will be throwing at people you're throwing the aquarium now i think that's a mistake mike i think what you want to take i can do both i can smash one and i can get a giant shard of glass and come at you though because when you style because if you throw it at me it's gonna hit me unbroken and break on the ground and then i'm picking up the glass and I'm coming after you with your own weapon. If you drop this thing at your feet. Yeah, but here's what you are leaving out. That you bending down, bringing your face anywhere close to the ground is just.

Now you're in my army of snakes and rats. Except for they're all dead because the aquarium squished them all. That is also possible. I did have aquarium on my list. That was... I also had a shock collar. Oh, yeah. Some kind of like, you know, I would just run and put it on you and make a bark sound.

I'm very vulnerable to somebody putting a collar on me in the middle of a battle. No, no, no. I'm not putting it on you like, hold still, I'm going to put this on your neck. I'm saying I run by and I just hit you with it you know what i mean like just like a little zap when i hit you with it i go roof yeah like a taser i basically have a taser i just go but then you bark you bark yeah and then you're like oh what the heck no wonder you didn't draft i did not draft it because they're they're they're made to not hurt you know They're not trying to kill the dog. They're just giving them a little buzz so you'd be like,

ow, that kind of hurt, and then you'd attack me with your aquarium shard. So I did not draft that. I almost drafted literally some of those grow lights for an aquarium that are so blindingly bright. I figured, but I'd already blinded you with the cat litter, so I didn't need to double blind you. Yeah. I mean, a heat lamp.

Heat lamp, get it all hot. Those get hot. Those get really hot. You can just scar us. You can really get a nice tan. Give us a real good burn on about a three-inch section of our body. Mike, could you put your hand under this lamp for an hour? I'm going to burn the heck out of you.

All right, final team. Al, why don't you read our final rosters off for the spit wads? All right, Mike's got snakes, pooper scooper rake, rats, and aquariums. Jason has caged tarantulas, chain leash, huge three-foot dog bone, and large breed dog nail clippers.

Andy has a large cage, canned food, cat litter, and a tennis ball bazooka. All right. Hey, the tennis ball bazooka, that's a late round good pick. I like that. It's a great pick unless Jason actually has a huge three-foot dog bone bat. Ooh. It's coming right back at you.

Jason's just playing a game of baseball. Just to play devil's advocate here. The bazooka nine, as it's listed as, gets terrible reviews and functionality may or may not be good. That's not you've you've really ruined this draft now. Enjoy your jam. You know what he didn't draft? Tennis balls. It does come with two. Yeah. all right you got two shots i only need

two shots jason can't swing that that bone like you only need two shots until my metal chain whaps you in the face and you go night night all right let's figure out what we learned what did we learn today i'm claiming it before anybody else. I learned, and this is the first time that I've known this, that the ocean produces carbonation as the waves crest onto the shore. It's an excellent thing to learn. I learned today that I really, when I'm buried, I want the deluxe version, man. I want the Wi-Fi.

I want the Bluetooth. I want the speakers. I want everything going on. Mike just wants a nap. He wants a nap. If it's in a coffin, it's in a coffin. I also want a one-hour nap. I learned that Mike needs invisibility in order to take a nap in his home.

Oh, no. Help. All right. That is it for the Spitballers this week. Thanks for tuning in, supporting the show. Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Check it out. We'll talk to you next week.

Thank you for tuning in, everybody. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.