Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: DoorDash Diaries & Wild Animals To Let Loose In Each Other’s Backyards - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

Spit Hit for June 15th, 2023: After a long break, ‘Jason Explains’ is back on today’s show. We also talk about part-time wizardry, celebrity meteorologists, and not being able to satisfy a craving. We finish things off with a draft of animals to release in each other’s backyards. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-blibbity-blap-blap-beep-bop-blap-blop-blop. Oh, oh no! Oh no! Oh, no! That was off to such a... Oh, no! The start of that mic was maybe...

I thought we were going to have the best scat of all time, and then, holy cow, did you suck at the end. One week after you got me for time signatures. I was trying to throw in some funky stuff. Oh, yeah. You were trying. The beginning was so good. Look, guys. There was a blap in there?

It was jazz. Oh, yeah. That's a great answer. You wouldn't understand. Welcome into the Spitballers. Thank you for everybody that supports the show over at jointhespit.com. We appreciate each and every one of you. Whoops-a-doozle. Whoops-a-doozle?

Yep. That's your reaction to your own scat? Yeah. That's okay. No scat goes right. They all go wrong in unique, creative ways. What is the best-case scenario? Just getting through it like the

best case scenario is when you are 45 seconds into this show and we've moved and we're on to the next conversation when we're hitting a minute 30 we're still you know kind of talking about the that means that means it was good for the wrong reasons that's right and this was great mike for the wrong you're welcome would you rather on the show today? We're going to do some Jason Explains. Is this real life? And we're drafting animals that we'd like to release into each other's backyards. That's a fun one.

The most traditional. Yeah. There won't be a general consensus for this draft before the draft. Oh, there's a 101. There is definitely a 101. I am so happy. Wait, you have a 101? Oh, I have a clear 101. Oh, there's a 101. There is definitely a 101. I am so happy. Wait, you have a 101? Oh, I have a clear 101. Oh, crap. Interesting. It puts more pressure on you

now to not miss it. I was just puffing my chest. I did not have a 101. But it'll be fun. What's your 101? I'll tell you after you pick. Thank you for supporting the show, leaving reviews. We read all of those. We read one on the last episode.

And make sure you tell your friends about the Spitballers podcast if you want them to laugh and have fun. Would you rather? What was that? That's not my most elegant kind of segue is that what you're laughing at yeah uh having a good time having a good time yeah yeah here's uh would you rather question from josh on the website for one week would you rather have to follow the rules of jim carrey's character and liar liar or yes man oh I don't remember Yes Man. So tell me what rules I have to follow.

It's in the title. It's in the title. So you just have to say yes to everything? Yeah, he had to say yes to everything. So no matter what was said, if someone asked for help, if someone said something that could have a yes answer, you have to go along. You have to say yes to all things.

And, of of course if you haven't seen liar liar basically he had to tell the truth he could not lie um no matter what even simple normal you know if there's a surprise birthday party whoops right yeah i mean this this one is a little bit of a self-indictment of sorts, if you choose one of them. I mean, I don't think that I have crafted my life around the lying that Jim Carrey crafted his life around before the very heartfelt life lesson that was taught to us in Liar Liar.

Oh, yeah. About telling the truth and not overworking, apparently. But then, yes, man. I mean, that'd be tough. That is dangerous. I mean, my wife wants to do a lot of different things. I would like you to kill someone. Yes. I'm pretty sure that's against the rules.

I mean, look, the rules are whatever you're asked. I've never seen Yes Man. No, that was a real movie with him? Yeah. Boy, that did not. Did you see that one, Jay? I did. I don't remember it.

So I don't remember if it was like a magical, like he couldn't not do it or if it was a choice. I believe it was a choice. Didn't he go to like a conference or something? Yes. And the guy was teaching this philosophy? Yeah. So that's actually what I want to talk about here is there is positivity to the yes man approach. Like having to say yes to everything seems awful, seems daunting, seems troublesome depending on the request.

But it's also genuinely probably a much better way to live than the way I live currently. Which is no man. Right. I live the no man life. You want to do this? No. You want to help me move? Heck no.

It's so much easier to do nothing than to do everything. And so I wonder if we did spend a week just saying yes to anything someone asks of you anything that is needed so for example like are you really into like Miley Cyrus music oh yes let me download did that upgrade your life saying yes to that well now I've got something to do I didn't I didn't have anything to do now I've got an album to download yes but the question would not be are you into that because that's that would move over to liar, liar. If you were saying, your question would be, hey, do you want to go to the Miley Cyrus concert with me? And that would have to be a yes.

Well, I mean, that would be a heck yes. Because, I mean, it's a wrecking ball. So it's not just the, there's something attached to the yes. Yeah. It's like, hey, can you help me do this? Do you want some vegetables for dinner? Exactly. Of course I do. That would be better.

Now you just named probably the worst case scenario, which is vegetables for dinner. So you're framing it as maybe a week of yes would be like a new, turning over a new leaf for your life. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I really do think it would be more positive than we expect. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I really do think it would be more positive than we expect. If we were to say, I dedicate myself.

Spitwatch, try it. Let us know. We're not going to do this. We're not going to do this. We don't want to get into trouble. I would love to hear how it goes for you guys. Say yes to everything. I wonder if it would affect parenting on the other side with the liar, liar.

That's exactly what I was thinking of. We we craft responses or say things to our kids. Like, do you like this drawing, Dad? Is this drawing good? Is this a good drawing? Define good. Yeah. I mean, if you had to shoot straight with kids as you raise them. Good for a two-year-old.

But I'm eight. There's times where you have to protect them from certain things that are external things that are grown up problems and they just don't need to be involved about it. So is that is that lying? I think for this question to be compelling, it should be. I mean, that's bending the truth to me. Yes. That's lying. That's lying.

Yes. Yeah. I mean, if you... That's what I'm saying. Is bending the truth lying? Yes. Yeah, I mean, I guess none of us would... It's not like we premeditate a lie there. So that's the difference, right? When your kid asks you a question like that, or I don't know, if your wife asks if certain... Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?

You're not premeditating, like I set out to lie, but you're also trying to protect somebody's feelings yeah that's that's the white lie problem yeah it's right which i imagine you can't do if you have oh no yes if you're following liar liar you are you're just a straight shooter yeah i i don't really have an answer i'm indifferent on which one i would i would i would go with the yes man i think that that would be i think it would be a good experience i really do i would hate to start it but i think at the end of the week i'd look back and go i had a better life this week now al has found a little bit of a problem oh no because he would just ask you for

money sure thing how much we'll start with a couple granny okay yeah let's go there's got to be some restrictions no restrictions pure magic all right then we'll then we'll start with your house i feel like it's moving brother that's what i mean i feel like it's experience based not just give me all your stuff uh zelly from patreon says would you rather be craving a food and go to the fridge or pantry to find that you don't have it or that you only have a single bite of it? So would you rather you're craving it? I need a chip. I want some potato chips. Yeah, I want some ice cream.

But then you open the container. There's one bite of ice cream versus just not having it. I mean, or a single Hawaiian roll for Jason. Just a single. Where's the rest of the bags? Yeah, I think the answer has to be I still want one. If I've got a taste for chips. Oh, really?

Yeah, because if I've got a taste for chips, I mean, look, we've all lived this life. I'm wanting something salty. I go in the pantry, and I can't find anything that's kind of fitting that bill but there's like a nice salty little pretzel bite and maybe there's only one but that's called a double win for me because because you're still gonna eat something i get a taste but i also can't eat myself into oblivion the worst worst is when you do have your sights set on something, and you think it's there, and then it's not. Like you think that you set it aside,

and then somebody else in your family ate it, and you go to find it, and you're like, oh, man. Oh, that is the worst. Because that happens innocently. The children love to leave like an empty milk carton in the the fridge i don't understand that move i can't get my kids to put any milk carton back i'm proud of your kids you kidding me i thought that its place is on the counter that can i can i can we sidebar yeah yeah not on this show how long how long can that milk carton sit on the counter before you decide that it's gone it's got to be under an hour oh really wait

what i think i could push an hour to two hours oh i could go a long time yeah no if if that if i were to go see a movie and come back and the milk was out that milk is going down the drain what if you what if you don't know for sure it's also going down the drain if i don't know for sure that's the smell tech check that's where you give it a little... That would be a heat check for me. A heat check? I'm a heat check guy. Really? So you just like hold the...

That's the kind of guy I am. You hold the gallon reel, put it up to your neck. You bust out the thermometer? Yeah, the temporal thermometer on it. What is the good temperature you're looking for on that reading? And what can really happen here if the lid's on? Can anything really happen? I don't think so. Not in that amount of time.

You would have to leave it out for a while. Can it go sour because of just room temperature? That's actually a great question. I wonder how long an enclosed container left unrefrigerated, how long does it take to spoil? Because if we could get to the bottom of this, there is an

answer. It's not an opinion. There is an answer. Because if we could get to the bottom of this, there is an answer. It's not an opinion. There is an answer. And if we could figure that out, we would become smarter, better human beings. Now, it has to do with bacteria growing, right? Yeah. This is the message I have from the U.S. dairy. Oh, no.

Oh, don't trust. Big dairy is going to say it takes forever. No, they're going to say dump it. In general, perishable foods like milk should not sit out of the refrigerator or cooler for longer than two hours. That's what it says. Okay. It says after that time, bacteria can start to grow. Man, that seems really fair and reasonable of big dairy.

Yeah, it does. I don't know how to feel about that. But I'm still the guy that, like, if it's day of, the date, I'm still. Well, because that's reasonable. I'm probably not. I know. I know. Yeah.

I live and die by the date. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration says two hours as well. It's a food safety issue beyond two hours. Now, Al, you're saying it's a 15-minute line for you? Yep. Like, this thing's got to be in i don't mess with your milk no i don't freeze it but it stays in the fridge if it sits out it's in the trash the fridge is at 12 degrees though so yep okay wow yeah i don't i can't the

idea of warm milk just grosses me out so much what about lukewarm grosseses me out. I mean, ice cold, milk, or bust? Yeah, this is very interesting. Okay, let me ask you this. New question. Same question. Not how long do you allow yourself to keep the milk, but the milk has been out on the counter for one hour. We've all agreed that it's safe, that it's fine, but it's lukewarm.

It's not good to have a bowl of cereal. Are you pouring it over a bowl of cereal and eating with lukewarm but not dangerous but lukewarm milk? It sucks. I've done it. I've done it on accident and it sucks.

It needs to be really cold to be enjoyable. The cereal sounds bad but I would drink it. You would drink it? Yeah. Oh, that's worse. I will. Now, there's...

You ever get the little dairy... The creamers? Right. They're always room temperature. Yeah, because it's... And I used to take little shots of those as a little kid. Is there dairy in the... Oh, yeah.

My kids do the same. You know, you open those up and drink the little creamer? What? Oh, yeah. That's like a treat at a restaurant. They're like... Oh, yeah. Can I have a cream at a restaurant. They're like, what? Oh, yeah.

Can I have a creamer? Can I have an Irish cream? All right. That's your kids. What? Yeah, that's it. You're just drinking the coffee creamer? I give them one creamer. Yeah, it's like a little sweet drink.

I mean, people get Coca-Colas that are, you know, 24 ounces for their kids. You can have a little taste of some sweet milk. Wait, do you use it as a substitute? You can have waters today, but we will give you a shot of creamer? Yeah, of course. Man, that's weird. I don't know why. I have memories of being a little kid and drinking those creamers.

Like sneaking them? No. Just like you'd go to church and they'd have all the coffee out, and the creamers would be there. And I didn't like coffee, but it was like, oh, I'm going to drink a creamer. Did you go straight out of the little cup? Yep, 100%. Good.

That's the right call. Anyway, so there was a question. I'll take the single bite. Oh, yeah. Oh, there was a question. Yeah, single bite for sure. Yeah, I guess so. There's no way that that's...

Worse? Well, I mean, it might leave you wanting, and you really might not have a better alternative. Right, but if you're out, you go, okay, well, you know what? That means I'm going to go to the store and get something. No, that means you're opening up DoorDash. Sure, I'm having someone go to the store and get something. But I can do that right after having a bite as well. I can have a bite and then be like, I want more.

I wish they had a public API for other people's DoorDash metrics. I would like to see what... Oh, man, that should not be public. The fear of God over Jason's face. Oh, man. I would like to see all the stats. I want to see frequency. I want to see time of day use.

Okay. I want to see average bill. I want to see time of day use okay i want to see average bill i want to see all right type of food here's a here's a uh an investigative question have you guys ever dealt with um customer service at any of these places sure when you talk to them do they go out of their way to say first i want to thank you for being such a great user. They do that for everybody? You get a power user? I do. I get a power user greeting.

Really? Oh, that's not for everybody? Oh, no. Sir, I'd like to congratulate you. You're in the 1% club. Dude, I am definitely in the 1% club. Yeah, the public metrics would be so shameful. Okay, how much would your behavior change if every time so we all in the studio here everything's the same with door dash or post

mates whatever but it sends a little message to the slack channel with what you ordered and when oh man that would that be good for you that would be devastating oh how cool would that be good for you? That would be devastating. How cool would that be to be able to see a little bling, and then it's like 904, and it's Taco Bell for $148. Oh, man, that would change my life. Most shameful DoorDash? DoorDash order. Oh, gosh, I don't know. What was yesterday?

I mean, I don't think they're all shameful. Is it more shameful what you get or the time of day? Yeah, it's definitely a combination. Yeah, I would say the most shameful is McDonald's. That's the most shameful. And the reason is because I am right next door to this McDonald's. I could walk to the McDonald's. When I order this thing, it shows up in five minutes. It's not shameful because, oh, McDonald's. I could walk to the McDonald's. When I order this thing, it shows up in five minutes.

It's not shameful because, oh, McDonald's is unhealthy. It's shameful because that door dasher is probably going through there going, wait, wait, where am I driving this to? You're in the pro-lazy club? I'm in the parking lot of this McDonald's for the most part. They could walk the door dash to me. They expect to see you laid up in a hospital bed in your house for a reason why it's... This is definitely a leave at the door situation. Don't look me in the eyes. I wonder if you could get a little Slack notification coming through.

We can get that. Oh, man. Please, no. Okay. Mike, the Miss Man. Wrong. Oh, okay. Mike, the Miss Man.

Wrong. From Patreon. Would you rather receive a $250 discount on everything or a 25% discount on everything? That's easy. Now, just to clarify, a $250 discount on anything that is under $250 is free, correct? Yeah, correct. No cash back, but free. But for a $300 item, it's $50.

So most of my DoorDashes will be free yeah oh no oh no no no i don't ever go over 250 on door dash but um that often that often yeah once a week so let me ask you another door dash question i need to sidebar again have you door dashed the big order and then realized you wanted a little bit more from that same place and placed a second door dash order for the same place almost immediately same place no multiple door dashes on the way to me at the same time normal that is pretty normal like at the same time like no don't cross the stream um they they've gotten there within minutes i mean i would say they can high-five each other. Do you have anxiety when you do this that the Dashers will meet each other?

I don't. He's in the 1% Club, so the Dashers all know him personally. This is all first-name basis. Yeah. So you guys don't get those special greetings. I've never gotten that. Okay. Me either.

I've got goals now yeah what was the question oh $250 discount so basically everything under $250 for your entire life is free yeah i mean that's amazing that's great for going out to eat that's that's awesome but a 25% discount on anything i mean you get a house yeah it's you're thinking about your big purchases that you have to make that's so interesting because let's say you make it easy let's say you buy a four hundred thousand dollar house so you're getting a hundred thousand dollars off it would take a lot of 250 purchases to add up to a hundred thousand dollars yes but you would you kind of don't think about it that way because getting 250 for free on anything would incentivize you to buy a ton of things

under 250 you'd have carte blanche on all of that. Yeah, you'd have infinity order power. It would take 400 orders of $250 to equal $100,000 in savings. It would also take a $1,000 purchase to equalize the discount because you'd get $250 off $1,000, right? That's 25%. That's the same as the other discount. This is a really good question. I'm taking the'm taking the 250 discount yeah yeah there's just i love buying big

expensive things i really right i really want is 25 off like if i gave you that right now would you buy a bunch of things it's just 25 i'm just saying i already buy a bunch of expensive things but i see but when i think about expensive things for instance, I got a pickleball paddle that's very, very expensive. But it's still under $250. Right. And it would have to be over $1,000 to even make a difference. I think you've got to go with the $250. Unless you can buy, like, a multi-million dollar home.

Right. You know, are you buying a yacht? Sure. multi-million dollar home it's right you know are you buying a yacht i mean al's probably already conniving to like buy a ton of motorcycles on discount and resell them at full price oh that's a you could so you could that's the loophole you could make a lucrative business out of this yeah because you wholesale everything i mean you get everything in houses yeah you could oh my gosh yeah dude if you flip houses you're filthy rich interesting yeah i mean sorry you already you already locked in here i mean that is the right answer that's the right

answer but i think the spirit of the question is more like practical use so if it's not then what's more practical than my job i mean that would become my career. He's just a home flipper. Holy moly. We chose poorly. Well, technically, if you get a $250 discount on everything, does that mean that when you pay your mortgage payment, do you get Yeah, absolutely.

It might equalize that way somehow. Nope. I mean, because if you're doing a $400,000 house, your mortgage is a lot over a thousand know you can get multiples a month do we want to move on al or do you want to go to one more question let's do one more jonah from the website would you rather have a big house and a small yard or a small house and a big yard philosophy this is tough so we we we just recently had a really nice house that had a pretty small yard. Like we had a pool and it took up most of the yard.

And we loved the house, but we did choose to move because we want to be able to play and throw a football and do things. Now you went the big house, big yard. There's a better approach. Is that the third option i will select that i also think we're uniquely situated in a state where like you really don't want to be outside for four to five months of the year yeah that is so i think a big house is the choice in that way like how many many places in the country is that not the case? Yeah, just some coastal cities. But in those four to five months here, you want to be in the pool.

Yeah. You can't have a pool if you've got a tiny yard. Yeah, but I mean, Jason's the example. They put a pool to fill the whole yard, and they had a big house and a small yard in it. Well, yeah, but then- But then you moved. But then, yeah, but summer, it's fine because you're using the pool, but then half the year- That's true.

You're not using the pool. It's a great question. It's heat the pool. It should be. I think in Arizona, I would have to have the house over the yard because you're always in your house. And I've got three kids, man. Yep.

I want them far away. Yeah, send them outside into the big yard. Well, here's the thing. I can answer it more logically. You can replace the lack of a yard with creativity. You can go to the park. You can go places to replace what you would do in a backyard. You can go to a pool, a local pool, or your fitness center, your gourmet fitness center.

But you can't replace what you get in a house elsewhere. That's true. The privacy and your family there, that's irreplaceable. That's a good point. I think that's why I go that way. You got to take the house. I'm taking the big yard. No, I said you got to take the house.

All right. It has been a little while since we've done this, but I would like to learn. Because we are an- When did that start happening because we are an educator. I mean, our entity. A lot of colleges do reach out, ask us to, how many honorary doctorates have we been offered?

Half a dozen. Half a dozen at least. I've only received one. Offered plenty, but I would like to receive more of them. Well, when this 60 seconds is over. As in you turned them down? No, as in they never followed through. I didn't get a diploma.

I would like to hang this on my wall. But at what point do we get to do a graduation speech? That's coming. Oh. The three of us would crush a graduation speech. That's coming. Oh. The three of us would crush a graduation speech. You see, once a celebrity has achieved a certain status, we just talked about Jim Carrey a lot. He's got some actually really good stuff out there.

He's done some graduation-type speeches and has some poignant stuff to say. We'd probably say something like, hold your diploma, rip it up, and now go talk about stupid stuff on a podcast. Have you ever pooped your pants? Listen up, Harvard students. So anyways, I say all this to say another part of this education is Jason.

He's a worldly man. He knows a lot. Everything. And he's going to share something with us right now. Jason explains in 60 seconds. And we're going to find out what Jason gets to explain today. That's a strong arm spin. What is he explaining?

What do you need to know about? Meteorology. Meteorology. That's super easy. Meteorology. meteorology meteorology that's super easy meteorology a lot of people uh wrongly think that that is all about meteorites and um they do they they do know a lot about meteorites but meteorology is more the study of the weather and so um what you do is you go through a lot of school and this is all make-believe the school that you go to actually does not teach you a lot because in the end what happens is this is about acting this is about confidence it's about saying you believe you know what the weather is going to be and then the group

hive think you just watch other channels and you see what they're saying someone there is a wizard of oz here in the media meteorology. But only one. There is only one. And everyone will disseminate information from that wizard. And so when you turn on your local broadcast and you want to find out what the weather is, you are getting a telephoned version of what someone thinks the weather will be, which is why it's never right. And then if the weather's wrong, what's the accountability? Oh, there's no accountability because you cannot perfectly judge the weather.

A lot of people don't know this, but most of the schooling for meteorologists is actually the green screen work. It's about how to look in a mirrored reflection. It's backwards. It's backwards. It's backwards. It's hard. And so meteorologists, I understand that is the real skill. I thank you for your work on the green screen.

And we need computers to take over your jobs immediately. Now, the problem with everything that you just laid out is you didn't ask him to spell it. And it's actually M-E-A-T. Oh, okay. A meteorologist. Yes, sir-t oh okay meteorologist yes sir well a meteorologist is someone that knows everything about how to kill a cow cook it need it yes um and that is not me because i don't think i could see that the first two parts that was so educational and the truth of what you said at the very end, I actually believe, which is everything that a meteorologist is doing is taking information that they didn't gather and communicating it to the people on the other side.

So it's all models and technology and algorithms that figure out what's happening. You know, satellites, the weather, all the wind speeds, instruments. And then a person stands there and tells you what it's doing. Your local meteorologist is not, they are looking at the end result, right? Like the computer that they're looking at has done the work. But they know how to, like, you'd have to know how to analyze the data. What I'm saying is, and we have the now to to completely make fake people appear real so there's no real reason we shouldn't have all meteorologists in the future be completely cgi that's what i'm that's what i'm

saying i mean you don't have to know how to interpret the data you really don't meteorologists should go away because they should all be actors i can go to the weather channel right now right and i can be told from the internet what the weather is going to be and let me just i let me regurgitate that back to you confidently no i'm sticking with cgi and i want the cgi to be my favorite actors and actresses telling me the weather that's not like a monster no no like bigfoot i mean it could be you should be able to your weather channel choices should not be based on accuracy it should be based on who you want to hear the weather from who would you choose weather with denzel i mean that's what

i'm gonna you're going denzel i'm going thor because got a thunder i would imagine knows a bit about the weather you want doc brown mike oh Mike? I was going to go Morgan Freeman. Sure. Oh, that's good. I mean, that would just be so soon. It's a rainy day. Is it raining? Is it not raining?

It doesn't even matter. It just speaks in puzzles. Yeah. All right. Let's move on. Is this real life? All right. It's time for Is This Real Life, where we share a real life story we found in the news with you and marvel at the fact that it is not made up.

I'll start because it almost ties into a joke you just made about wizards because a New Zealand city has made the decision to take its official wizard off the payroll after two decades. Excuse me? What? The official wizard there was an official wizard for the city of christ church new england who has been paid a salary which is about eleven thousand dollars a year a paid wizard a paid wizard and he was uh known as the wizard of new zealand does he look like a wizard uh? Yes, he dresses up like a wizard. And he, quote, provides acts of wizardry and other wizard-like services as part of promotional work for the City of Christ Church.

I'm going to need that to find out a little bit more. Wait a minute. So he is their local wizard. And he's been paid for wizarding. Did you say a decade? Was their local wizard. Two decades. Two you say a decade? Was there a decade? Two decades. Two decades?

20 years? They literally paid government funds for a wizard? Now, what? Is he wizarding full time? What are the hours for being a wizard? 11,000 a year seems like part-time wizardry. But apparently on his actual passport, he is listed as the Wizard of New Zealand on official documents.

I mean, that's who he is. Now, I want to know, if they were to replace him, what the job description is. Like, what is your daily duty? Acts of wizardry. Acts of wizardry. Control the weather. Weathermen don't know what's going on we need you to step in he has been fired wizard he has been fired with cause

great question with cause oh no is that because he's not a wizard no that's because he's made some offensive remarks about women oh come on wiz Man, wizards are such chauvinists. And I'm not going to read them to you. Yeah, that's wise. Oh, wow. Generally, you want your local wizard Jason Slade. The story just, it got to

a home run because this place was hiring and paying for a wizard and you got what you asked for because this guy's been being paid as a wizard. After two decades of being paid as a wizard. It goes to your head. It goes to your head.

That's what I'm saying. Wow. Okay. All right. Who wants to go next? I will jump in here. It's a... This story here that I came across, it's got some layers to it.

Okay. And I think some true life lessons. Is it a calzone? No. A calzone has like one layer. It's like dough and then it's... Yeah, that's a great question. How many layers?

A calzone would be known for multiple layers, right? I don't think so. I think an onion has a lot of layers. A calzone is just like a folded pizza. It's like one. Am I alone? And we're done. All right.

All right. So the cheese, ham. Ham? Are those layers? Are you talking about how many layers you got on that sandwich? So anyways, in California, some motorists were driving on the freeway when they noticed a whole bunch of money was flowing across the freeway. And it turned out that an armored vehicle something had happened and a bag of money had fallen out and then the bag had opened and that's the dream that is the dream yes you just

look at all this money and i think that i get to keep it so of course people being people uh got out of their cars and they are grabbing all the money and everything uh including a a fitness influencer who has 2.6 million followers and okay uh she started to share clips of herself grabbing the money you gotta do that in the dark yes so uh all about the content now these people are gonna have number one're going to have to give back the money. Right. And so that's a cautionary tale of you don't need to make content of everything. There was some free money out there.

And then it got into more what are actually the rules of if you find something. Is that theft? No. That's not theft, is it? Well, yes, sort of. So the common law rule is if you find something that was abandoned, whoever, it's finders keepers. Okay. You get to grab it.

I don't know the motivation of something laying on the ground. I know, which is very tough. But if something is unintentionally lost, like a wallet or government money, you have to give it back. So the police are trying to track it down. And then it got into another story further about finders keepers because a bargain hunter in North Carolina picked up a barbecue smoker at an auction. Inside of the barbecue, a gnarled human leg.

Turns out the finders keepers. Yes. What does this have to do with the money? So the former owner is the amputee, wanted their leg back. What? And the person who bought the barbecue didn't want to give the leg back.

The leg back. What? And this is apparently a 2015 documentary or documentary documentary about finders Keepers, about these rules. But I'm like, this article just kept taking turns. So did they go to court over this leg? I didn't get a finale on what happened with the leg. No, it's mine.

Finders Keepers. Oh, wait, yeah, no. A judge ordered him to return the leg. I have the dream story because I was a little kid and I found. A leg. My brother and I went to the movies. My parents dropped us off. I think I've told this before.

Yeah, I remember this story. We found $220 in cash rolled up behind a post out in the open. Just on the ground. And as a kid, that's infinite money sure as a young kid so we as an adult you know that there's yes i know nefarious you should not take that money this was so wide out in the open so i picked it up and we went into the movie theater and we counted it and our minds were blown but my mom made us try to turn it in yeah and they would not take it yeah because it's cash yeah because it was rolled up

yeah because they know what's about to go down oh man that that story really did have a lot of layers so if i guess you know the big takeaway is if you find money all over the freeway don't broadcast it to 2.6 million people it feels like that we should pass laws to where like if armored trucks drop money that is fair game oh absolutely it's their job there should be some not drop money that's your job right failed at your job punishment should be complete game yeah all right i like that what a calzone you had there mike yeah um thank you guys aren't eating the right kind of calzones speaking of food. All right. 40 person brawl. What? 40, 4-0.

40 person brawl breaks out in Golden Corral over reported steak shortage. Oh, no. I have watched the video. There is a video of this 40-person brawl happening at this, if you're not familiar with Golden Corral, it's an all-you-can-eat buffet. This is a buffet. It's a classy choice. If you're not familiar, congratulations.

What was, who was the, wasn't their spokesman, the Jeff, who's the redneck joke guy? Oh, Foxworthy. Foxworthy. Yeah. He did a great job. I mean, he got them all there because this 40 person brawl breaks out. They are literally swinging and throwing. Did it get to like the beginning of it?

High chairs. Like, you know. You've watched the video? I've watched the video where kids, you know, you get to the beginning of it? High chairs. You've watched the video? I've watched the video where kids, you get like, how many seats? Four plus a high chair. They're grabbing these high chairs, throwing them. People are running. This is a gold.

I mean, meet me behind the corral. That's what they say, right? The old gold corral fight. So moral of the story here is... What? Protect yourself. You know, you probably need to go strapped to the golden corral. Like Wyatt Earp. Absolutely. If they run out of steak, oh, man.

Wow. Anything can happen. Give me those huckleberries. Does the video have the beginning of the fight? Kind of, yeah. What instigated that? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I got to see that escalation. Was it the last steak and then people were fighting over it? of the fight kind of yeah i mean i need what instigated that's what i'm saying i gotta see

that escalation was it the last stake and then people are fighting over and how does it turn into 40 people oh because because they have just like a was this like the the sharks versus the jets coming in they're like we need that stake it started by someone cutting the line okay so they cut the line to get the steak because they're running out of steak. And then was this like an Old West saloon where the person reared back to punch but elbowed the person behind them?

And so it just sends off the giant fight? It really did seem like one of those old Western bar brawl movies where as soon as one person's fighting over there, then it's just like, well, I'm punching this guy. Why is everybody fighting? What are the actual, because I've been to a buffet recently when we went out of state. What are the actual etiquette rules on a non-obvious line situation?

Do you know what I'm saying? I have a hard time with that. I know exactly what you're saying. I prefer a buffet that has an obvious start and end of the line. You want a Luby's. Yeah, I mean, I don't know about that. But, like, I want every little – sometimes they can be very loose, and you don't know where the line would begin.

And so you just walk – do you just walk up to food? Do you find the closest person and get behind them? What's behind them? It's easy when there is a line, right? If there's a line, you just go get in it. There's usually only lines at certain parts of the buffet, right? A lot of times. I'm not a buffet connoisseur.

But let's say you go up to a little buffet area and there's five things at this little area of a buffet. This station. And someone is there on the left side and the plates are the left, and you kind of go left to right, but she's kind of hanging out there. You don't want that. You want the stuff on the right. I never know if I'm allowed to, like, can I just go up and get the stuff I want,

or do I have to wait for her to move through the area? I would think you can just go get it. Well, I've learned now you just fight for it. You just go, you grab it, you fight for it, grab the high chair swing it around the high chair is a great weapon what is wrong with people a lot a lot um but let's get step one they went to a golden yeah there are ways to begin the wrong journey all right let's uh let's move on

Let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. All right. Let's get sophisticated. We are drafting wild animals that we would like to release into each other's backyard. Yeah. So I assume that we're really trying to cause some havoc. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe I want to beautify your yard. You'll find out. Yeah, I'm not doing that. I'm trying to cause you some issues. I'm not doing that either. Mike, you said that, or no, Jason, you said there's a 101. Jason said there's a clear 101. I have the one that I think is, I don't know, whatever.

It's my 101. All right. Because this is going to be a situation at all times. What are you doing to us? I'm putting a skunk in your backyard. Yep, that's the 101. That is definitely the 101. Really?

Absolutely. You have to live in fear of the skunk spraying. To be clear, are we only putting one of a single animal? We can do whatever we want here. Skunks. Okay, it would be skunks. Are we only putting one of a single animal? We can do whatever we want here. So my thought is that there may be. Okay, it would be skunks. My thought is maybe there's something to be worried about beyond a smell. If you haven't smelled.

Oh, I've smelled the skunk. But like fresh out the glands. Okay, I'm just thinking there are worse things that could happen to you. Yeah, there could be. But yeah, skunk, I think that is because if we're putting each other's yard it's one of those like honestly it could be one i'm not trying to kill you i'm just trying to make your life terrible it could be we're gonna be going for different goals here it could be one skunk because it's like nobody knew that you dropped a mop.

That's like a gotcha. That's a good gag. I do feel like I have the physical ability to get rid of a skunk. If I spotted a skunk in my yard, I think I could take care of that. Okay. You want to know what you don't have the physical ability to get rid of? I was going to wait for this one for my fourth pick. I'm going number one.

I'm putting a whale in your backyard. A whole whale! Get rid of that! It's a dead, blubbery whale in your backyard. What are you gonna do, honey? Why is there a whale in my backyard?

And technically, I'm gonna hold you to this. And you guys went big house, little yard. I'm holding you to this. These are animals you have to release into the yard. So when you put it there, it's alive. Oh, yeah, for sure. I got to get out of the way quick.

Not for long. Not my problem anymore. But that thing is getting dropped off a crane. Yeah. And it is alive for a little while. Helicoptered in. And yeah, have fun dynamiting your way out of that oh no oh i thought about that was my last i had this list done and that would have gotten to your

last pick but that was funny i thought of that at the end i was like what would you do how do you get rid of a whale that is something you can't hire there aren't teams of people waiting around to help you with you move and you sell your house for 20 bucks. You got to call the people who do the fire and water damage repair. I feel like they could figure it out. Oh, I want to see that guy come to your door and say, listen, you might not have seen this before. I got a problem in the backyard. You ever heard of a blue whale?

Come check this out. I've seen everything. Wow. Well. I honestly don't know how you could practically get rid of that whale. I mean. One piece at a time. That's right.

You got to, that's probably the way. It would be, but it would start to smell much worse. That's worse than a skunk. Yeah. Because that whale ain't living for long and then you got a skunk and a whale. Yeah. That's a problem. Well, well shoot.

Both of you have very innovative, thoughtful ideas. My goal when I release these animals into your backyard is I went a few different directions. And one was like, what are the odds that they could get into your house and cause you more damage than just being locked outside? Interesting. A burglar. Those people are animals so I see what I figured I'm going with the ultimate predator human being all right whale man so I'm gonna start with Africanized honeybees. I'm going to chuck.

That's an easy drop off, too. The whale, you've got to have some. That's an easy removal. There are bee people, yeah. Yeah, but I'm tossing a full-on hive over the fence. Just a straight grenade throw. I'm doing a grenade hive. And these things are going.

Some of them are finding their way inside is my point yeah i mean and i once again i've gone the direction i'm trying to cause you potentially inconvenient bodily harm okay i've seen my girl oh too soon no it's not it's too soon it's been 30 years i don't even know the reference of the movie my girl where the you didn't have that devastation as a child? Oh, my goodness. That movie wrecked me as a kid. What are you even talking about? There's a movie. Is that Macaulay Culkin?

It is. Macaulay Culkin was in it. Or should I say it was. Yeah, it was in this movie, My Girl. It was just like drama with these two children friends. Was it a mean thing they did to each other? No. It just died.

It's a kid movie. The kid died from bees. And then all of a sudden he gets attacked by bees and dies he beat he got murdered by a swarm of bees and died was horrifically devastating at that age yes for the kid to just get horrifically murdered by bees so yeah he wrote that script and it was like it was like a little love story so you watch these two kids like fall in love and then you watch him die it was a real it was a real devastating movie you should check it out bring your kids watch it cut a lot the whole family i think the true

animal is the writer director of that film yes um is that your next pick no my next writer of my girl that my next pick is um it's gonna be it's gonna be some moose oh honry yeah they're humongous how do you get rid of a moose how do you get how do you stop you they're gonna potentially go through the glass go through the windows they're gonna find their way through some of the header beams you gotta hope you have an RV gate. That's your only chance. You know what I mean? The big wide gate that you can just open up and hope they run. I'm going to release some moose into your backyard, which is the plural of moose, right?

I think so. A whole bunch of moose? That doesn't sound right. Yeah. Why have we done that? You've always wondered a lot. You have a lot of whys to the English language. Because it's garbage.

Call them meese if you want. Or just mooses. I've got a worse one for you. Maybe it's mooses. I've got a worse stupid spelling. And it's my next pick. Okay. Possums. Oh.

What do they do? What's wrong with possums? Isn't possum spelled opossum? Or am I wrong? They might be different animals. Well, then. Because there's a possum and then there's an opossum spelled opossum, or am I wrong? They might be different animals. Because there's a possum, and then there's an opossum. I think both are appropriate, right? Wait, but is it the same thing?

Is it the same, or is it different? Opossum versus possum. I don't even know what they do in my backyard. What are they going to do in my backyard? They're going to hang upside down or pretend to be dead. Both possum and opossum correctly refer to the Virginia opossum frequently seen in North America. So it's the same.

So- Hold on. Hold on. Opossum can be pronounced with the syllable voiced or silent. So the actual animal is an opossum. I've always thought it was two different animals. Nope. So someone just threw an O onto there and we decided, eh, take or leave that O.

We can just call it a possum. Well, yeah, because you have hippopotamuses and opotomuses. Right? Yeah, well, I'm taking the opotomus. I'm taking the opossum. What do they do? How are you hurting me with this? Oh, dude, those things are mean.

They're vicious. They will play possum. They'll think that you got them. They'll go through your garbage. They're going to wreak havoc. Now, Brooks has chimed in with a note. They are filled with disease and have fangs. They're also filled with disease.

Are they up in Michigan? Yeah, I thought they were everywhere. We don't got them. I've never seen one. We've gotten rid of those. Interesting. Yeah, I've heard those are the things I've always heard about them really so they're mean yeah they're known to carry leptospirosis tuberculosis what they're just on their backs they're just carrying osteoporosis and other diseases pesky creatures pose serious health threats when they invade urban environments.

Ooh, and that would be an invasion. Yeah. Now, to be clear, are they there with the whale? Because they might help me with the whale problem. They probably would eat some of that. That's a lot of eating. All right. So you're releasing.

Now, you're going formally opossum? Oh, for sure. Okay. Mike, you've got two picks. What are you doing to eating. All right. So you're releasing. Now, you're going formally opossum? Oh, for sure. Okay. Mike, you've got two picks. What are you doing to us? All right. Well, I've got the skunk, and I'm going to continue what I also will compound smell in your yard. But we'll get some girth in there.

I'm going to put a rhinoceros. Dog. Yeah. It's on my list. A rhinoceros in your backyard. Not only can he destroy things, that dude's just dumping all over your yard. Oh, yeah. I'm going to put a rhinoceros. Yeah. A rhinoceros in your backyard. Not only can he destroy things, that dude's just dumping all over your yard. Oh, yeah.

I didn't think about dumps. Oh, dude, there'll be so many dumps. Okay. So many gigantic dumps. And then while you're trying to deal with the rhinoceros. I have thought that the rhinoceros, I'm afraid I was going to put it in your backyard and I'm like waiting for him to charge and he just goes to the corner, eats some grass, and takes a dump.

Yeah, but that's going to be a gigantic dump. This is just turning into a draft of how can we leave the most feces in each other's backyards with animals. All right. And then, because we thought about this very differently. I was trying to cause annoyance. Yeah, so am I. I'm going to release a howler monkey into your backyard. That's great.

That's a great one. Those things are so loud and so obnoxious. I've never heard of a howler. I think we need to presume that this animal is released into your yard for a little while. Okay. They're going to have to be back there. That's how I thought about it. That's a better way to think about it.

The whale, it's there. Pull up a video at the end of the podcast, Jay. They're so loud. I can see a still photo of how annoying this howler monkey is. You would not be able to sleep at all. No. The howler monkey ruining your life.

Okay. All right. So you have some skunks, rhinoceros. Wait, is it rhinoceroses? It's rhinoceri. No, it's not. It's actually rhinoceroses. That's so stupid.

Is that like churgeter? We've accepted it's rhinoceroses, but mooses are like, whoa. Is that like Cher-Chur-Chur? We've accepted it's rhinoceroses, but mooses, we're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. It is mooses. No, is it? No, it's moose. No, moose is moose. Plural of moose. I feel like we've been over this.

Yeah, I think it's moose. And it's like fish. It's just moose. Dang it. Fishes. What's wrong with the word fishes? Or meese. Or fish.

Or at least fishies. Yeah. Atose. Dang it. Fishes. What's wrong with the word fishes? Or meese. Or fiche. Or at least fishies. Yeah. Yeah. We've gone down that road before. Okay. Back to you, Jason. Back to me.

I'm going to take this so that nobody else can because I don't want them in my backyard. That's usually how the draft works. Yes. But this would be worse than the whale for me. Oh. Oh. Okay. This is a... Oh, I was my next pick.

Yes. Then hallelujah. I'm taking tarantulas get them out of my area they're going in your yards not mine um you can't hurt me anymore nothing give me a moose i would genuinely i'm not even joking this is not i would rather if you put two moose in my backyard or you put two tarantulas in my backyard, I would so much rather have the moose. Because at least you know where the moose is. Absolutely.

It's taken years. I mean, 20 of them. But I figured out you are more afraid of tarantulas themselves than any other spider. No question. Without a shred. Is it the hair? Oh, my gosh. Stop it. my gosh stop it it's the hair or is it the hand size bringing the size of a hand so what's your pick handy well i have to close it out now my last two picks right yes okay all right um i'm gonna go with rattlesnakes

okay i'm gonna release a bunch of rattlesnakes into your backyard. To kill us. Well, look, it's going to make moving around your backyard pretty scary. I'm just never going out there. Okay. That is their domain now. And then I'm going to go with bats. Okay.

Because they carry rabies and SARS and they have sharp teeth. They're the opossum of the sky, they say. And they're going to find their way into your attic. They're going to find you. They're loud. Oh, my gosh, they're loud. Did I ever tell you guys I had a bat in my yard once? Like in my tree.

Louisville Slugger. No, but like it's so What is that? So dumb. This is so dumb. I liked it. It was in your tree, huh? Yeah, we just, all of a sudden... I threw it up there. No, it...

Got stuck. Because it looked like there was a turd. It looked like there was a turd in our tree. And we're like, what is happening? And it was a bat. We've had them up at the cabin. Right, but I'm talking about... And they're in the attic, and you hear them constantly.

They're in your attic? Yeah, they kind of, they create little- There's bats in your attic? They move across the country, and they just hang out at our cabin for a little while. I think you should probably have someone take a look at that. There are, I'm telling you right now, there are people that- Seal up your house. There are people that love bats.

There are people that- They do eat bugs. They crusade towards normalizing our view of bats. Yeah. And there are people that have been on Shark Tank that sell bat houses so that you can put bats in your yard on purpose. To eat bugs, right? To eat all the bugs.

Yeah. Mosquito controls that... You know, your rabies count goes up in the house, but the mosquitoes go down. Hmm. So I'm going to close it out with bats. Okay. I'll take mosquitoes over... Really? the house but the mosquitoes go down hmm so i'm gonna i'm gonna close it out with bats okay i'll take mosquitoes um over you take rabies over mosquitoes they don't all have i don't think the bats are gonna attack me so i think i'd take the bats over the mosquitoes depending on the

quantity interesting there you go okay uh my last pick here i've got a number of different ways i could go and i'm trying to think death or annoyance i think i choose death death by annoyance i'm gonna take a mountain lion okay because um i know up at the cabin there have been mountain lions nearby yeah and that got you it's so terrifying because you don't realize like what is a mountain line way that i thank you i looked it up when i thought i knew what a mountain line was i was like oh i was thinking of like a bobcat is a mountain line a cougar mountain line mountain line's a mountain line okay yeah they're giant they're not as big as we had this debate with my wife a week ago where i was trying to contend that they because i was like you're thinking of them as bobcats bob and bobcats are small i mean you still don't want to mess you're not worried about i'm

not worried about bobcat it would but a mountain lion is slightly smaller than like a female lion really probably about 25 percent smaller and those things live here? They live here. Average 150 pounds, get up to 220. You do not want to mess with that. They can be like 6 to 7 feet. Oh yeah, they're just killing machines. It's funny, I'm not afraid of a mountain lion at all.

0%. You probably should be. You probably should reevaluate your view of mountain lions. They're not after us. They're hungry. You're meat. I mean, end of story.

They're hungry. You're meat. End of story. Okay. I mean, you could have gone with an actual lion. Well, but the reality, the reason I wanted a mountain lion is because they are actually here. It was like. It's for the lion? You're doing it for them?

Well, I just. You're giving them a more habitable it's yeah i mean i want them to i want them to enjoy you didn't think about that with the whale did you no i knew he's dead so that's that's fine we don't need to be night near an ocean yeah but the mountain lion gets rid of the whale now how much does a lion weigh gotta That's like a regular lion? That's why I was curious. Oh, I should have gotten a regular lion. That's 420 pounds. A male lion is huge. Oh, my goodness. All right.

With my last pick. Yeah, close it out, Mike. You've been very innovative. You've got skunks with smells. So you've got smells, sounds. The rhino's a problem because of the dumps. Yes. And so you've got additional smells.

And the howler monkey's going to form a band. Oh, no. Because I'm putting cicadas out. Oh, really? In your backyard. Oh, that's torture. Because those things are the freaking worst. So instead of killing us with your animals,

you're getting us to kill ourselves. Yes. Yeah, that's awful. Mental warfare. Oh, my gosh. Like, we have... Burn it all. We have cicadas here in Arizona pretty much every summer, but there's just, like, a few of them.

They're loud. Yeah, but... Right. And so I'm saying we've only experienced when there's, like, a couple. We haven't experienced when one of the broods show up, and it's just, they say it's deafening. It's so loud, these stupid bugs, and their dumb life's like, what are they doing? Yeah, I mean, they're harmless, and yet a nuisance. Not to the trees.

Aren't they? I think they kill trees. Is the sound like a chainsaw they're cutting down the tree? Yeah. That's what they... If you look real close. They have tiny little chainsaws. I like it.

All right. That is it. I want to bring up a couple for you. All right. Oh. Because roosters to go along with the morning wake-ups. And gophers. Yeah.

Just destroying your yard. Hard to get rid of. I've had a ground squirrel that I had to spend two years trying to catch. So you get gophers, that's hard to catch. You've seen videos of people blowing up their yard to try to get rid of gophers. I had elephants if I want to compete on the dump levels with Mike. I hope that whale gets one dump out before it dies. Do whales?

They have to. Oh, yeah. They take big dumps. They're a mammal, right? Big dumps. Do those go? They just drop to the bottom, huh? Well, I think it comes out like a spray. Oh, does it?

Because you're in the. Yeah. I mean, they're diet. They just eat plankton. I mean, we poop into water, too. It doesn't always spray. Hold on a minute. How deep do you put your...

I mean, it goes into the water. How deep do you dip? You don't start submerged? That's why you've never seen my toilet? It's huge. It's my pooping tub. It's my pooping tub. It's my pooping tub. Alrighty.

Well. What did we learn today? I learned that whole possum, a possum thing. Yeah. I learned that milk can be on the counter for two hours. There you go. According to the. And I learned a lot about finders keepers laws you find

a leg it's yours if you find a leg it's yours even if the amputee wants it back we should pass that money bill if it's yeah out on the freeway it should be free game thank you for tuning in tell your friends goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.