Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Dr. Quackadoo MD & Things To Blow Up With Dynamite - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

Spit Hit for June 29th, 2023: On today’s show, we talk about composting toilets, cereal condiments, and some willy nilly accusations. In the Situation Room, Andy is put on trial, we invade our local zoo, and we are granted the ability to summon food on-demand. We light the fuse on this episode with a draft of things to blow up with a stick of dynamite. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-scooch! Dude's by the biggity boosh! Whee! Okay! Okay. Okay.

Look, I don't know if I'm in a special place, but that might have been one of my all-time favorites, Mike. For those of you at home, he threw two hands up on the wee. And the wee, I don't know how far the, when we record, you know, we have our incredible intro with just three dazzling, handsome gentlemen going on. But if you go back and you check the tape, there is definitely, you can see my face, actively know that I'm going to add in the Wii. Oh, I'm getting an 8 and a 7? I will take that.

That was quality. We need to start grading these. I need some numbers over here. But the Wii, I mean, as far as a late-term addition. A finisher? Yeah. Finding your finishing move right before you start. That's what that was?

That was the Wii. So that was potentially. I'm not saying it was. Maybe I'm wrong. Okay. But potentially that was the best scat we've ever was, maybe I'm wrong, but potentially that was the best scat we've ever had. Okay.

And next week, next week, we could go the complete other direction. Or we can go to the moon. I mean, it's up to Al Borland. It is Al's scat next week. Also, have you guys ever had a notepad file or a text edit file in front of you that you wrote out? Scooch, douche, baba, biggity, boosh. Wait a minute. You prepped this stat?

Oh, I prepped that. You want to change your rating of that stat? Of course. You go from an eight to a six. But you didn't write down we. I did not. Okay. Okay, seven.

Welcome into the show. We're back, baby. We got to get this going. Also, Jason, that's why yours sucks so much because you don't. I should prep. Take five seconds to write something down. Would you rather the Situation Room and we are drafting things to blow up with a stick of dynamite,

something we've all not thought about before that's true yeah i'm usually using a different method but dynamite will work for the objects i want to blow up what is nice about this draft is that my son is sitting in studio watching this recording and this is a draft that he can connect with as a 10 year old young man sometimes we draft sitcom characters and that draft doesn't quite resonate but we like to keep most things at a 10 year old level he wasn't in on kramer i don't think so everyone loves blowing things up that's like a universal truth i mean mean, that's why Angry Birds was so popular. Can I just break things?

Yeah, it's the same thing with fire. People want to set things on fire to see what happens. Things to set on fire, making a note. At SpitballersPod, you can follow us on Twitter. Appreciate everybody reviewing the show. Let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather would you rather you didn't like your transition there transition was fine my voice is what i have i have a problem with the fact that i have no volume uh kyle from patreon would you rather have to use a composting toilet or a hang-up shower bag for the rest of your life al would you like

to define these for us andy i am look i know what they are i just want to make sure that people at home know what a composting toilet is yeah me too uh the hang-up shower bag is basically a bag of water with that you just open a uh valve on and it trickles water over you a lot of people use them camping and stuff okay okay yeah the composting toilet that's a toilet that composts that's just an outhouse right now like do they have those on like um like in a van like if you had a van toilet would it be a composting no no this is a literally like everything just breaks down it's just a hole in the ground essentially no right i mean, the toilet has to collect it and then

put it in its own container with some bacteria. A composting toilet is a type of dry toilet that treats human waste by a biological process called composting. It leads to the decomposition of the waste. Now, is this inside or is this outside? A composting toilet,

it goes into a tank that you then, I believe, dump elsewhere you would not use that inside well when i say inside i mean it could be inside of a van or a motorhome people live in their vans and they have composting toilets oh i'm looking at i mean this is an inside this is an inside toilet you're basically pooping in a bucket because you're empty in a bucket but then it goes into a place where it stops the odor from coming out, yet your poop is still there. My family and I recently, in like a month or whatever, a couple months ago, we did a hiking trip up to Sedona.

And before you hit the trail, there was a bathroom. And this was a toilet that I have never experienced. I think we recently talked about a bear being inside of a... There could have been a full family of bears. In the toilet? Big toilet. The toilet was regular size, but you could see down, and it's just a gigantic pit, and everybody's stuff is in there.

It's basically like how all of what we are used to experiencing goes into the sewer. But instead of pipes taking it there, it's just you're over a manhole cover and it just goes right into the sewer. The only reason I know anything about them is because I saw somebody that lived in a van give a tour. And they talked about you buy these toilets, you put them in the van, and then you can eventually just dump the waste out. Okay, hold on. We've got to stop at this van thing. Yeah. We're talking like a regular-sized travel van, right?

Yeah. Not like an RV, really awesome, double-wide. No, the kind that you would sell ice cream out of. Okay, so people install a toilet yeah into this van and look i know when i have a good activation for sure i mean that room is no longer usable for a while that's true so you're telling me that people in their living space activation they just when i fully activate look activate detonate yeah what they just they they have a toilet i'm guessing they open the doors afterwards and let that air out but

this is like having a toilet right in the middle of your living now would this be like an extra fee you'd pay on in an uber ride or is this a discount uber if they've got that's a discount uber oh someone was in here oh is it extra because you can actually right i if they've got... Oh, that's a discount Uber. Oh, someone was in here recently. Oh, is it extra because you can actually... Right. I mean, I've got a bathroom in my Uber. You have been caught in a few Ubers needing to drop a dude. I have.

We took an Uber from... I believe it was from Philadelphia to New York for a live show. Oh, my goodness. Yes. And I had to go for about way too many miles. It was like we're passing these exits. And I'm like, dude, I've been talking about this. I thought I was going to pop.

So those indoor toilets, they have a fan that draws the air inside. But that's not going to stop it. No way. It's not stopping this chemical warfare. Well, let's get back to the question here. The hang up shower bag. It does smell outside. No, it does not.

Mike says no. Wait, outside of the van? Yeah. Yes. Okay. Like a fan. They have a fan that draws air in and through it, and then it vents outside. Yeah, I mean, I guess learning more about a composting toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's the future I want in this world.

But a hang-up shower bag, you're getting no water pressure, that's for sure. Your shower has to be quick. It's not heated. No. I mean, maybe there's some solar thing that's going to make it not freezing, but this is not a warm, comfortable shower. You have however many gallons slowly dripping on you to shower. That's all you get every day.

Okay, but on the flip side, I mean, we haven't even gotten to the point. Number one, your whole house smells like poo-poo. Number two, you have to empty this toilet. No way. I have twins. Chores are a burden. Someone in your household has to empty the chamber pot, essentially.

But that chamber pot has been broken down by bacteria and it still smells like poop no it doesn't yes it does it has to smell like poop because it's poop you think your poop don't stink i mean this is a universal poop stinks mine smells like who who who but i i think i'm gonna take the toilet too. Because you guys are out of control. I want to see the science happen. Let me argue it for you, Mike. When I am doing my duty, nothing has changed for me. My life is just as good as it was in the sense that, like,

you could even hook a bidet seat up if you wanted. It's not stopping you from doing your duty. It's just. Yeah, that's right. That's right. It's just the after that like you could even hook a bidet seat up if you want you from doing your duty it's just yeah that's right that's right it's just the after that is the problem and the after is my children's problem on their weekly chores emptying the chamber weekly daily chores i i guess i guess we should probably probably i think it's probably weekly with a when it's composting it's certainly not yeah it's got to break down so this is you it's probably monthly oh i mean like depending on how much you eat i do not believe that this room does not smell this is you're going into the room your your spouse just wrecked it but my my activations my activations are not changed whereas my showers probably grow a garden with this oh absolutely some great fertilizer yeah

mommy made this my mom you know for your van garden yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna compost my poo mike would you like to make a final selection before i'm taking the shower because my whole house is not gonna smell like turds no just your body just i could wash you run out of water i can wash very fast clint from the website would you rather have your car horn wired to your brake pedal or have to cut the front of every line you ever get in and yell i was here first oh these are awful so if you use a brake, which, I mean, when you think about it, you use a brake when you're coming up on the car right in front of you. Yeah, you're honking at everyone that you're stopping by. Yeah, and let me just tell you, if it's wired and you're stopped at a red light,

that is a solid horn the whole light. Oh, my gosh, that would be horrific but then i don't know that that'll cause a fight like cutting in lines man i have accidentally walked in a line i have been apologetic like oh i didn't realize the line went around the corner i'm so sorry and almost gotten in a fight because dude thought i'm trying to you you know, go to the bathroom first, which to be fair, if someone has to cut you in line in a restroom line, let them. Right. But that's just people standing. That's not factoring in road rage. You're saying cut in line in cars?

Yeah. Well, I'm saying that anything inside of a car is magnified. Amplifies your anger because you're like more anonymous or something. Being in a car is like the old school version of the internet. As in, like people, when they jump on the internet, you know, you're a keyboard warrior. You're just, I'll pick a fight. I'll say whatever I want because my avatar is an egg and no one knows who i actually am we people used to feel like that inside of a car you're like oh i've got windows i'm in this

metal beast people don't know who i am look i can speed away i i can be i can be a jerk a car is a powerful weapon it really like i was told that by my driving instructor. You are in a weapon here. It is a projectile. The confidence that you get. You learned to drive in a military submarine, though. Driving a weapon, that's a confidence boost that can make you angry on the road. Yeah, I mean, the cutting one is, have you ever been accused of cutting when you absolutely were not? I mean, is that your situation?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was cutting, but I wasn't trying to. The line wrapped around. See, I wasn't even cutting. I went on vacation with my wife. There was a super long line to get on a gondola. We walk up to the front to see ticket prices, and we had people run at us going like,

making sure we knew that the line started way back there. Where are you getting on a gondola? We were in the mountains. Okay. Okay. Oh, one of those? Yeah. Okay.

Not the boat version? Not the boat gondola. Why is there a boat? I don't know why they both came out. What is the other version? What's a gondola that's on a boat? A ski gondola. An enclosed ski lift.

The ski lift is called a gondola? Not a ski lift. A ski gondola. What is a ski gondola? An ski lift. A ski gondola. What is a ski gondola? An enclosed area. Search for gondola. If you can stand in it, it's a gondola. But you can't stand in a gondola boat because you're going to fall in the water.

I had these moments. Yeah, if you search for gondola, you will get 50% boats, 50% enclosed ski lift. I had no idea that the ski lift is a gondola. I have only heard of gondola rides where you know you're where you're someone's got a big pole and they're pushing yeah and they're usually singing and it's romantic by by the judgment of this line these are very popular as well but uh no i the idea of offending another person that's a foregone conclusion you're offending a person here no matter what.

So it's just a matter of, like you said, is it the weapon you would fear more? Okay, let me give you a couple situations. Now, does this say you have to cut in line or you have to go to the front? You have to cut to the front of every line and yell, I was here first. Okay, we're in Disneyland. Okay, these are long 30-minute lines. Now, I have had this thought before, genuinely. I'm just trying to walk up and do it.

Just walk. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm meeting my family. Yeah, people do this all the time, and I never think anything negative about it. Someone just walks up through this line. They're like, oh, excuse me. I got to get past.

Oh, excuse me. And I'm just like, that's fine i know that they they know where they're going they're confident they're probably meeting up with someone if you just do this at disneyland and your whole family like oh excuse us excuse us if you just walk up to the front but then you gotta say i was here first get on the ride that's the kicker is that i was here first. Get on the ride. That's the kicker. I was here first. That's the kicker. But now I'm just imagining you're in a line and you're passing people. Oh, excuse me. I got to get to the front.

Yeah, we all do. I'm not telling a lie. If somebody came to me at the front. I need to get to the front. If I was in Disneyland and somebody said I was here first, I'd probably believe them. Yeah. I'd probably be like, oh, this guy was here first. Well, here's the funniest part.

It's super easy the first half of that line, right? Nobody knows where the front is you're going. But once you get down to 10 people left, five people left, two people left, and the last person, they're next in line. You're like, oh, excuse me. I was here first. What if you really did this and your line is just, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, I got to get on this ride.

We're saying the same thing. How funny would that be? You aren't lying to anyone. No, there's no lying. It's just literally, I got to get on this ride. I'm so sorry. It would work, though. Everyone would get out of your way.

If you go to Disneyland and you employ this tactic, you will have so much fun. You'll ride all the rides as many times as you want. Excuse me. I really need to get on this ride. And then if the staff member says something to you, you just go, oh, no, no, no. I just got to get on real quick. There is no advantage. Okay.

Here's the thing. Between these two options, while both put you in this super uncomfortable, awful human situation, one of them has an advantage. Oh, one of them, you're at the front of every line. I'm at the front of every line. I'm taking that for sure. I mean, I'm going to feel terrible both ways, but at the end of the day, I'm checking out my groceries quicker.

I mean, I'm at Costco. All these people with their giant carts. Excuse me with my cart. If you wear a polo and a lanyard with like an empty name tag, that might secure it even easier. Just ramming people with your giant cart full of stuff. Just trying to squeeze it. Excuse me. Excuse me.

You might get arrested. I was here first. You might get arrested on like voting day. Okay. Like, oh, you're not allowed to cut this line. You're making me think about the grocery one, because have you ever tried to buy a pack of gum, and then the person with a bigger cart just goes,

oh, do you want to go ahead of me? Yes. Somebody has to have hidden camera that where you say, oh, thank you so much, and then the spouse comes out with a full cart. Come on, kids. Three carts. And then the spouse comes out with a full cart. Come on, kids. Three carts. Three carts, everyone.

Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you. All right, you're right. I really needed to get to the front. I'm taking the line one. It has a built-in advantage. Eating hamburgers in the end zone from Patreon. Which would you rather do with no water?

Brush your teeth with toothpaste or swallow three Advil? Oh, man. Okay, so I certainly use water to brush my teeth for sure. However, it's been established. It's been years since we've talked about this. But I was told by a dentist that you're not supposed to pre-wet the brush or pre-water on the toothpaste. So you're supposed to go in dry. Dr. Quackadoo gave you that advice. MD.

Afterwards. I apologize. I apologize. Respect on Dr. Quackadoo's name. Afterwards, I washed my mouth out with water. Which you're not supposed to do. You're not supposed to wash your mouth out with water? Oh, look. You jump on those.

Instagram dentists are all the rage. Wait, are you? What are you supposed to do? You're not making this up? I'm not making this up. Instagram dentists. Dr. Quackadoo's everywhere. Dr. Q is all up on my ig camera apparently i've been tagged for

uh uh mouth advice on my that doesn't surprise me yeah it doesn't surprise me either really to be fair uh but yeah they're saying you're supposed to brush your teeth and then when you're done just spit the toothpaste out but you're not supposed to rinse you're supposed to leave the toothpaste on your teeth so wrong it sounds disgusting yeah i'm not doing that when i go to the dentist and they want they brush my teeth for me at a cleaning then they hand me a cup to rinse my mouth out yeah but that's just a midday brush oh yeah that's the difference yeah whatever no i, I will say this. I've become pretty proficient in swallowing pills without water. Oh, yeah.

So I have no problem with that. Can't do it. Not necessarily one of those big horse pills. Well, and not three at a time. But if you give me three Advil and you give me a couple minutes, I can handle it. I'll figure it out. But I'll have a bunch of that coating on the inside of my mouth. It's going to depend on what kind of pill it is.

Because you know, there's Advil. a yeah but advil comes in there you are these liquid gels are these those candy coated it's a candy coat i don't think i can swallow them without water i really don't i have it'd be fun to watch you try yeah yeah i'll bet that would be fun for everyone else. I cannot. When I watch... Go like a seal. Did you guys ever used to watch Dr. House? Yeah, oh yeah.

And he was addicted to painkillers, and every five minutes he would just pop open this pill jar. Oh yeah, you take the pill without water. Swallow a bunch of them, and he would just swallow them. And I watched this thing. They raw dog these they just they throw these tylenols and they chew them up and i'm like that's doing that's not a thing people don't just take pills without water especially chewing them up have you ever put a

tylenol on your tongue if so here's a true story from me those candy uh coated and i say candy coated because trust me they are the candy coated advil i once when i was a young i don't know if i was a teenager yet i might have been a tween um i had to take some advil i had a headache and i put these in my mouth oh they're delicious what is this cherry and so i suck on them what are you doing? Well, I'm just thinking, what's the harm? I need to swallow them. I need to ingest them. They're delicious. So I'm just kind of holding them in my mouth.

When that candy shell is gone, whatever poison is inside of those pills. It's battery acid. It is the worst, most foul thing thing never touch your tongue ever i challenge everyone uh suck on a candy coated advil and experience adults out there adults only and um it is horrific i am proud to say i've never done that now when i take them i am to this day literally that's the kind of have in this office. And last week, I had a headache. I grabbed a couple Advil.

And when I put them in my mouth, I'm like, the timer is running. To this day, I have to swallow those as quick as possible or I am terrified. It's the worst thing that I've ever tasted. I'm glad you brought it up because I was going to ask, does Sudafed... I haven't had a Sudafed in a lifetime. I've never had Sudafed. No, no, no. It's been forever.

Essentially what I'm saying. But does Sudafed still taste really good? I mean, there's a teeny little red pills. Yeah. But they cover those things in sugar. Kids. Well, yeah. Look, we're talking to grownups right now.

Unless it's Tri-Minute, because that stuff was delicious. They got you, Mike. They got you. I mean, literally just yesterday, our family's getting over some colds, if you can't tell from my voice. What? Just yesterday, I told my wife, I'm like, you want one of these vitamin C gummies?

And she basically had the equivalent of like, yeah, I don't think they work at all, but they're so delicious. Yeah, of course I want one. It was right in front of my daughter, and she's like, can I have some? We're like, sorry, honey, no. Get sick. Use medicine responsibly. But especially the delicious um that

being said i'm brushing my teeth without water because i've had yeah we're back to the question i've had uh uh you know a dentist telling me not to do it beforehand mike has been told not to do it afterwards so i'm just gonna do the right thing and it's gonna feel bad but sometimes the right thing doesn't feel like the best i'm gonna do that jason i want you to brush your teeth no pre-soak and then no rinse and i i think we should all try this out and see how we try it once you're also not allowed to rinse out the brush well no that one is going to be necessary for the next day all right i'm going to go with the I'm going to keep the water involved

with my teeth. Oh, yeah, I can handle the delicious, delicious Advil. Yeah. Mike, see how they are. All right. It's time for the Situation Room. The Situation Room. Jerome the situation realm jerome from patreon writes in thank you after authorities realize he wasn't really talking on the phone andy has been arrested for public urination behind a dumpster okay i hear your kid laughing in the background i love it

mike has been hired as the prosecutor and is trying to put him away oh i'm sorry you're fighting the good fight for the public urinators out there jason has been hired as the defense attorney and is trying to get andy to free. Make your cases go. Okay. So I believe the prosecution has to open in this situation. I do? Mike, you have the floor. Yeah, I mean, defense goes last, right? Yeah.

Is that how court works? That is accurate. Is that how Judge Judy does it? I see the judge shaking his head. Okay. So stalling here. Obviously, I didn't commit a crime here. No.

No, of course not. Excuse me. Excuse me. The defendant should not be speaking in this court of law. And look, he was clearly whizzing willy-nilly behind the dumpster. And we have rules about this that we need to protect the the youth of america from seeing such a stream objection your honor using the phrase willy nilly i think is is leading to the tampering yes tampering judge can i get a ruling uh he nods he nods okay i think objection overruled or confirmed what do they say it's

sustained thank you thank you judge look we've was that your whole case no i mean clearly i have such a monstrous backlog of of legal things that i need to talk about uh but when it comes down to it do you want ip freely over here running around your neighborhoods terrorizing things up to no good i rest my okay your honor your honor it is time for common sense to prevail here um my client has an upstanding record in the community. He is very funny on one of the most popular comedy podcasts in existence. So keep in mind, celebrities don't get in trouble. Objection. Okay, sustained, but you know he's a celebrity.

Furthermore, I would argue that no willy or nilly was seen in the event and you cannot prove what was happening. There is no video evidence. Furthermore, cleaning the back of a dumpster with sterile water event and you cannot prove what was happened there is no video evidence furthermore cleaning the back of a dumpster with sterile water is not a crime and my clients should be free of all charges including the fact that think about it this way one of our largest sponsors is ip vanish there is nothing here that you can prove. It is gone. There's no evidence left.

That's right. So, Your Honor, I ask this case be dismissed. Well done. Very impressive. Do we have the gavel? I mean, we have the technology here. Look, if the puddle was there, I do declare guilty. I know.

I was trying to come up with a rhyme as well. I was hoping you'd go with anyone here who does not pee can throw the first stone. I think we need a ruling. To throw the first kidney stone? To throw the first kidney stone. Judge Giamatti is here and has a gavel. Do we have it? Oh, okay.

A rule in favor of the defendant. Oh, yeah. That was pretty that's pretty and you know what you'll be happy you did next time you have to go all right uh matthew from patreon sir i would like to cite the case of of andrew holloway versus the public for the reason i was able to be fair mike on that building you should have presented the lack of a cell phone record during that pretend phone call. All right, here we go. Matthew from Patreon.

Your local wizard. He's back. Grants you the power to summon one food or drink item on command. You can never change which item that is, and you must consume it in its entirety each time you summon it. What item do you choose oh baby i love the conditions here because it's great you have to eat it immediately so if you had said like okay i want a filet mignon that means you're not summoning it very often right no i mean probably not no i mean you're not just gonna be sitting on the couch being like oh man i'm a little i you know i want a snack for this movie i'm watching filet mignon if i gotta eat that whole thing

that's gonna that's gonna present problems to my bowels yeah uh but there's a wide range john wayne problem this is food or drink um i mean there are wait it's not both one food or drink oh i thought I was getting both. No, so you could grab yourself, like you could summon a Pepsi on demand. You just got to finish the can. You could summon yourself a... You could summon water. I mean, think about that.

You go on a nice hike, and you can have water, endless water, wherever you go. Good work using your magical powers to summon water. That's actually pretty valuable. Yeah, super practical. You could go rafting on the ocean with that. That's true. If you're stranded, look, in an emergency situation, you're going to be the most popular guy in town.

Here's a genuine question because maybe this will answer it, and I don't know my answer. What singular food do you eat the most? Burgers. You think so? thousand percent and i know that if i could summon one food but you don't have a burger a day no i could is there any food you have every day there is a reason there's a food i don't eat a burger every day is because this the scale would let me know that i'm eating a burger every day but if the rules are i if i summon, I have to finish it.

You give me that Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. No tomatoes. Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, no tomato. No problem. No problem. I feel like. I will eat those all the time. I might go with a bowl of cereal.

Really? Well, here's why. It's real dry. I have it. Well, no, there's milk in it and stuff. It's a completed bowl of cereal. I believe it was one food or drink item. Wait, you were like no tomatoes.

Does that mean no nothing? It's just a burger and bread? He gets your condiments. He gets his milk. Milk is not a condiment. It's a condiment for cereal. A bowl of cereal. I have to call the judge back in here. If you're on death row and they're like, what's your final meal? And you go, I'd like a bowl of cereal. I have to call the judge back in here.

If you're on death row and they're like, what's your final meal? And you go, I'd like a bowl of cereal. They don't bring you dry cereal in a bowl. Yeah. Actually, I think they do. And then they just laugh and point. He's got dry cereal. So the reason is I have it every day.

There's a little prep involved. I don't got to buy milk. I don't got to buy cereal. I don't got to pour it in a bowl, but it's burdensome but it's always together then yeah and i'm happy what kind of cereal is it you can't say all cereals i guess in that case on demand have to finish it right then yeah i guess i'll go cinnamon toast crunch if i got to finish it right then it's gonna stay crispy i think that I mean, I know we've done a lot of drafts and things like that.

You've made a lot of bad picks. That was probably your worst one of all time because you eat cereal every single day, and now you're going to be sick of having that one same cereal, so you're just going to end up going to your pantry to get different cereals that stop you from using your magical power of summoning one cereal. So what do you eat enough for this to make sense?

You don't have to eat it enough. It has to be special, and it has to be small enough to be enjoyed whenever you want. That's right! I'm going to host this apple pie. Are you kidding me? Whenever I want, just a nice little baked treat. Also, the green box hostess apple pie.

Oh, man, if I had that power had if you had that power there'd be a countdown on my life could you restrain it in any way yeah i mean i would only do it like five or six times in a row and then i would be in massive pain and there would be at least five or six hours till i do it again i but please hear what i am saying which is that you love apple pies the hostess apple pie specifically hostess brand the apple flavor of the little pre-packaged pies are something i really would enjoy uh being delivered here um so if anybody wants to send just an unfathomable amount of hostess apple pies, I would accept them. I like the handheld nature of that.

Like, you could summon a taco. Tacos are actually super messy. Super messy. Burrito. There you go. Yeah. Wrap it up. It's enclosed.

Fold the butt. Snickers bar. Because I can eat my Hostess apple pie. Who eats Snickers? I can eat it on the couch. I can eat it while I'm driving. I can eat it, you know, anywhere. I need your take hostess apple pie. Who eats Snickers? I can eat it on the couch. I can eat it while I'm driving. I can eat it, you know, anywhere. I need your take on this, Jason.

Because this was recent news. And we all, I would say we all know, but if you didn't know, Major League Baseball, the game is so horrifically bad. Right. I knew that. What are you saying? People don't want to attend. specifically bad right i knew that and like the people don't want to attend so the only way that they get people to attend is they invent these monstrosities of brand new food items yeah that's why i go yes thank you and like and it's always trying to one up one two foot hot dog yeah bigger

better crazier and like i mean the uh uh you know like a a krispy Kreme donut cheeseburger. So instead of a bun, it's a donut, which, to be fair, delicious. But I need your take on this. Because Guy Fieri, the... The blonde bombshell, got it. The spiky-haired one himself, he introduced for an MLB game, it's an apple pie hot dog. So imagine your hostess apple pie, which I will say in recent years,

Jason's like my view of Jason's love of hot dogs. Hot dogs are great. I think Jason really likes them. I love hot dogs. Do you ask me the last time I had a hot dog? When did you last have a hot dog yesterday? And that's only because I haven't been off work today, but yeah, no, I had one yesterday. What have a hot dog? Yesterday. And that's only because I haven't been off work today. But, yeah.

No, I had one yesterday. What's your hot dog? Ketchup, mustard, relish, onions are the go-to. But brand of choice? Hebrew National. Okay. I think I've upgraded to the bigger one. All right. So back to the-

That's 100% beef. Yeah, it's kosher dogs. Okay. Back to the question at hand. Apple pie, hot dog. Are you interested? So I'm interested in seeing photos, which I'm pulling up now. Yeah, I'm in.

Yeah, I mean, they look pretty good. At first when you said it, I thought, well, that's disgusting. And then I thought, I like these things. And I saw pictures. pictures no i'm in yeah absolutely there's there's people there ice cream on it no i can you get an ala mode i'm sure you can even bring your own guy fieri is it's fine if you put ice cream on and on this there is mustard on his version which ain't mustard that strikes me as a bridge too far if we're including the apple pie in this. But I'll try it.

Okay. And then final apple pie question because I know people do this. Have you ever done the cheese on the apple pie? Yes, I have. On apple pie? Yeah. Oh, like cheese and apples? Like you would have that as an appetizer? It's a really stupid thing that a lot of people do.

And so it's food, so I tried it. And it was like I, and I love cheese and I love apple pie. And it was like I had this delicious piece of apple pie and then I ruined it. Okay, so you're out on that. Doesn't it seem like it matters what kind of cheese you get? Oh, absolutely. So I don't know if a slice of cheese is the right direction. There are certain cheese, like brie cheese, goes with apples.

Yeah, but that's not the thing. The thing is like a slice of yellow. Oh, that's the trend or something? It's the fake cheese. I don't know if it's cheddar or American, but yeah. Like basically the Kraft single. You throw a Kraft single on this. Yeah, American cheese.

Yeah. All right. Fake and delicious. All right. Josh from Patreon, you're given three hours of unrestricted access to every square inch of your local zoo. Oh, yeah. How are you spending the time? Three hours in the zoo.

No rules. You can do what you want. Is there a pin you're jumping into? I want to be. You got to be careful. Yeah. Really? What?

He just told us we have to be careful choosing any pen at the zoo. I mean, yeah, there's some reason there's cages. I'm going to go in the grizzlies, get my big bear hug. I think they like that because they're called bear hugs. I'm just looking out for you. But thank you. Thank you. This is good advice.

I shouldn't mock you. You're 100% right. But go on, Mike. Tell us why we should be careful choosing which pen to hop in at the zoo. Well, if you jump in with a lion. Right. Wait, wait, wait. I haven't even written.

Write this down. Write this down. If you jump in a pen with a lion, he'll probably go lion on you. Okay. Good to know. Thank you. Don't hop in lion. Yes lying on you. Okay, good to know. Thank you. Don't hop in line. Yes, thank you.

Remember that for when you're given three hours of unrestricted access. Being at the zoo is not a place where I'm like, boy, I really wish there was no supervisors or oversight. Because if they weren't, I've got things I'm ready to do. There's no part of me that's like, man, the only thing holding me back. You pull this glass down and I'm in there. Yeah, like the only thing holding me back from riding that rhinoceros over there is Shirley from the zoo. Like, that's not an issue for me. I'm not sitting there going.

I am actually more happy if I have restricted access at the zoo. I'd be like, can you restrict me a little bit more? The only place I can think of off the top of my head. So we've all been to the- The cafeteria at the zoo. I have unrestricted access to the kitchen. Yes, sir. Oh.

Well, while that is a delicious idea and is certainly not ruled out from this guy, what is ours? The Phoenix World Zoo? What do they call this? Phoenix Zoo. Phoenix Zoo. Okay. There's a world in there.

Well, there's the Phoenix Zoo in there, and I think we have the World Wildlife. Wildlife World Zoo? Something like that. Anyways, the Phoenix Zoo, there's this little island where all these little monkeys. With the monkeys? Yeah. And they're small monkeys. These aren't orangutans.

They call it Monkey Island. Do they really? No. I'll bet they do, and you're wrong because it's an island full of monkeys. Of course they call it Monkey Island. I believe they're gibbons. Then I'm giving them a chance to climb all over me because they are give me some gibbons yeah um that's where I want to be I want to be on the island with all the little monkeys I've seen like

um people who've done like excursions where they have these little monkeys that can like climb all over them and they're adorable and cute and fun and that would be your stuff of course they do I've seen a boo I know what a boo is why have has anybody ridden a rhino yes certainly that has to have happened but not a lot right in the history of a lot no because you only ride one once really yeah because then you get the horn i mean if you're strapped on there tight you can't go nowhere right i don't know that there is i'm just gonna say they eventually relent and then you tame it i don't think there's a saddle i don't think anyone has ever saddled a rhino i'm also guessing that eventually fun the rhino would figure out that if it lays down oh it'll squish you yes

well not it would have to lay down and roll up do do rhinos lay on their side it can if it wants to get a person off its back. But can it? Can it get up from its side? It can full roll. Wait, hold on, Jason. Do you think that a rhinoceros, as soon as it's born and gets on its legs, it spends the rest of its life standing? Well, it lays.

I mean, it's a lot lighter when it's born. Yeah, I do. I do think. Whatever. An adult rhino. What do you think they do at night right now don't certain animals sleep standing up sometimes like a horse no no uh not even that's a that's a lie the horse is a lie what about horses what about the cows because you can tip them because

you tip them over cow sleep standing up exactly what's the difference between a cow and a rhino nothing i think we learned on this show a long time ago the difference between a cow and a rhino? Nothing. A big horn. I think we learned on this show a long time ago the difference between a horse and a cow. Because you can't milk a horse. And I don't think you can milk a rhino. Okay. No, you can't. No, you can't. No, you can't.

All right. Well, are we ready to move on? I'm really excited about this draft. All right. All right. move on. I'm really excited about this draft. Alright. The Spitballers Draft.

I got rhinoceroses in my head, which might mess me up for this draft, but we are drafting things to blow up with a stick of dynamite. Don't blow up a rhino. No, I won't. I won't, Mike. Don't worry about that. Think of the kids. They're endangered. Yeah.

Hippos weren't endangered from that other episode. They are dangerous. Yeah. Well, not that one anymore. All right. Things to blow up with a stick of dynamite. Mike, you have the first pick. There are, I think, a few ways to think about this.

There is just, like, scale, but pure pure entertainment factor i personally haven't blown anything up with a stick of dynamite yet i'm you know 37 years old i still have hopes and dreams there's still time um i know you have to go to school for that right uh yeah you gotta get like a school i know so that's for the source but Oh, that's for the swords. That's for the swords. But, Mike, you have the first pick. What would you like to blow up with a stick of dynamite? You get the first pick. I get my pick of the litter. You get your pick of the litter.

For the clear and obvious draft of things you want to blow up with dynamite. Okay, if you've been a listener of this show for any amount of time, you realize that we are not three adults nearing 40. We are, in fact, three adolescent children. Setting the table for this pick. And how am I going to enact on that? I'm blowing up a septic tank. Oh, that's so good.

It's so gross. Look, I'm clearly behind a wall, but I'm blowing up a septic tank, and we're letting the poo fly. Oh, my goodness. That was not on my list, and yet. That's a one-on-one word. I mean, that makes perfect sense. and yet... That's a one-on-one word.

I mean, that makes perfect sense. You are raining down a massacre on whatever. You better have more than a wall. You better be... It's chocolate rain. Oh. Oh, gross. You're blowing up a septic tank.

Oh, brother. Okay. Follow that one, Jason. Stick a dynamite in the septic tank. By the way, the rest of my picks, not nearly as good. Well, I'm glad you had the first pick. To do that, could you flush the stick of dynamite? Sure.

Well, I mean, is that the pathway? How long would it take to travel? Oh, not very long. I know that some wicks can stay lit underwater, but would imagine most you know pools of water would put out whatever whatever i'm not worried that's not water put in the baggie all right i am up i'm i'm blowing up something that will um it'll be a lot cleaner just because literally everything yes would be a lot cleaner um but it should be more of a show uh you know it should be a real big fun time and i'm gonna put my stick of dynamite in a fireworks factory oh i'm gonna

blow up things that blow up and just cause a chain reaction of uh it just goes kaboom there's really no show. Well, there are going to be things shooting up. He's just trying to make that stick of dynamite do more damage. That's right. So you're thinking of the naked gun. Yes, exactly. Nothing to see here.

But it's just a fireworks show behind it. That's right. I'm just going to... I'm going to cause anarchy with a fireworks dynamite explosion. Okay. So I am on the clock. I have a couple of interesting picks. My first pick might be messier than Mike's.

Oh, no. Oh, my. And look, there's a proof of concept out there. I thought this one was coming back to me. It happened in 1970 on the coast of Oregon. Darn it. Yeah, I should have gotten this one first. And it's famous.

The molasses factory? No, no, no, Mike. Unfortunately, a very large sea creature washed up on the shore. And the solution that this crack squad of Oregonians. What should we do to this whale? They blew up the whale with a stick of dynamite to get rid. Because what do you do? It's ingenious.

I mean, it's too big. How are you going to move it? What are you going to do with this rotting dead whale? And I don't want to blow up another you know poor innocent creature like our things to throw off a building draft although i stand by it that hippo had it coming oh it's a murderer um but i'm gonna go with a whale as my first pick because that is a massive amount of flesh so their solution was we don't want to have this one giant isolated piece of rotting carcass. We wanted

a bunch. We would rather have an innumerous amount of whale blubber and rotting carcass spread out over our entire beach. That is right. That is right. But at least they could move that. At least they could move that. Imagine being in on that meeting.

Hey guys, listen to this this i got an idea let's blow it up that's some ideas should we get a giant piece of machinery you know maybe pick it up and move it nah nah nah listen eli had an idea my son eli was like why don't you just blow it up sounds good so there yeah i mean there's bear, or bear. All in favor? The eyes have it. The eyes have it. And that whale, a piece of that whale went home with everybody in that entire town that day. That's true. All right.

Second pick. It was a whale-y good idea. Yeah, that was a great one. Look, this one is, was a last second thought, but it has the effect of a bit of like a party trick or almost something like, look, you know how you go to a kid's birthday party and they hit the pinata?

Why don't we dynamite up a vending machine? Oh. And distribute some delicious treats. I think most of the treats would not be edible. I said distribute some delicious treats. Yeah. It'll be fun to watch the explosion, and then maybe. Maybe find a piece of candy not melted into the wrapper.

Yeah. Maybe a Kit Kat drops into my hand. You just catch it out of the air. I mean, you said chocolate rain. This is chocolate rain. All right, so those are my two picks. Okay. All right.

Well, man, I was sure to take my deadbeats whale here. You were going to the whale? Oh, yeah. That is a shame. I am going with something. Like, there are, obviously, Mike, you caused anarchy. I wanted a show. But there's another reason to use dynamite.

Okay. It's hatred. It's pure. Yeah. It can be a weapon of destruction. Hatred. To destroy something that shouldn't exist. And I will draft the Prius.

Are we going back to this i'm going to the prius and i am blowing up a prius now there's no one in it no no no goodness no driver it's just the driver no one no real humans are in this just a prius driver no just the prius because the joy have you ever driven a prius, because then I would be the worst. We need to get you behind. Maybe it's a great car. Listen to me. Listen.

I've never driven one. If I get behind the wheel of a Prius, when I am on the road, I will be an idiot because the car will take over. It is not me. It is the vehicle. Are you sure, sir? You don't want to go 10 miles below the speed limit. I will go 10 miles below the speed limit, but then I will get into the turn lane

a little later than I should have. Change lanes now. Change lanes now. I'll certainly run that red light. I'll do everything wrong because I'm in a Prius, and I will blow up that Prius right when I get out of it. You are a vindictive one, so that makes sense. Mike, you've got a couple of picks. Alright.

One of my excellent picks now would feel more like a duplicate of uh jason so that's upsetting uh good because i was very excited for that but that pick uh let's go we're gonna go just a good old fashion uh look when it's all hallows eve some pranks are abound, and I think this is not an uncommon thing. I've never experienced it. But let's get messy again. We're going to blow up a pumpkin. Oh, boy. It's small.

Well, not to be decent-sized, but simple, elegant, fun. Now, people blow pumpkins up, but they don't use dynamite. No, not usually. So this thing's going to get eviscerated. Yeah, you're going to want the high-speed camera camera because that thing will be gone in a millisecond. There will be pumpkin a mile away. Okay. Maybe I catch some pumpkin seeds.

If Andy's catching candy, I'm catching pumpkin seeds for me to bake later. You're catching them right in the... They're going to go through you like bullets. Just kissing them right in the abdomen. Yeah. That will smell. smell i mean pumpkins smell yeah yeah who's on the list they're really unpleasant yeah other than the whole the pies are great but that's me it's because it has very little to do with the pumpkin it's nothing to do

with pumpkin it's pumpkin spice which is not pumpkin All right, that's one of the picks. The other one, I don't know how this would go. That's why I want to blow it up with a stick of dynamite. Let's just see what happens. That's part of this. Curiosity. I'm going with an aquarium. Darn. It was on my list.

Seriously? Yes. You get glass, water. Yes. Poor little fishies. Well, I mean, they're sleeping with the fishies at that point. For science. An aquarium was-

Sorry, shouldn't have been there. Now, are you talking like if you had, let's say, three hours of unsupervised time at a zoo? Are you talking a big boy aquarium at the zoo? Well, bigger is better, right? I think it would be. This feels like an action movie scene right like the aquarium explodes and then the hero runs and bursts through it so i i had a my my next pick was probably going to be a pool because uh the idea

of just a pool just a just you know that's a great that would have been a great if you could put like a ziploc bag dynamite right in the middle of the pool and just see what happens to all the water. How much water is left? This is for science. I don't know. Does it all go away? It can't all go away. No, probably not.

Maybe a quarter of it. Yeah, I'm going to guess a third. But, I mean, who knows? A quarter, a third. Right. Very different. Let's discuss. But I feel like I can't draft that now because of your aquarium.

Oh. And that's a shame because I don't have a very large list here. What I do have is going to kind of be between Mike's septic tank and my fireworks factory. Okay. I mean, if you're going to do dynamite, if you're going to blow something up, let's go for it, guys. Let's really see what this thing can do i'm getting a thousand gallon propane tank and we're going kaboom okay wow that would be a problem that would be a real problem hope i'm not near a forest now al because that's because

i'll cause a forest fire um Al, have you any knowledge here? Like, if you put a stick of dynamite right next to a propane tank, is that going to blow it up? Like, how strong is that propane tank? I don't know. I would imagine it would blow it up. All right. You are causing some serious havoc to this town.

Yeah. I mean, I just watched. Who gave Jason the dynamite? And he wanted the whale. So you were going to blow up a fireworks factory. I had, I just watched. Who gave Jason the dynamite? And he wanted the whale. So you were going to blow up a fireworks factory. I had a pool in there. That would have been just normal and nice. Nice.

Nice. I blew up your pool. All right, my next pick. I have my final two picks here. I am returning to the pool because my pool wasn't filled with water when I did this. Okay. I'm blowing up a pool full of jello. Okay.

I think that would be very interesting. I'm curious. I'm curious what happens. Okay. So a pool full of jelly. Full of jello. Not jelly. Jello.

Jello. Jello. Yeah. How dare you? Jello. How dare you? Part of me in the cartoon world thinks like. It would contain the explosion.

It would just go. And then return to normal size. Yeah. That's the hope. And again, at the end of this, I might be eating a delicious snack from across the yard. And then just a little. And then the last one, again, it almost feels like a cartoon pick but an ant hill oh yeah oh yeah ants get out of my get out of my life i mean don't just get out of my life murder an ant

there's different ways to take care of ants and this is one of them a stick of dynamite ants are the worst do you uh do you want me to take care of this ant problem you have? I could put some pellets down there. No, I got it. Put this down there. You remember seeing that? There's a viral video of a guy getting rid of a... I guess that was like a groundhog or something.

Yeah, it was like a... Something that had dug some tunnels in his yard. Like a mole. Yeah, and then he blows up his entire yard and almost blows up a mole. Yeah, and then he like blows up his entire yard and almost blows up his dogs. Yeah, and himself. You buffoon. All right, so that's my final pick, an ant hill.

Okay. I figure I'll get the queen ant with that stick of the ant. Is there a queen ant? Yeah. Is it like bees? There's always a queen. There's definitely a queen, because the whole point of the bait

is they bring the bait to the queen. Really? Yeah. So what do you think the bait's doing? That they're all eating it, each one? Yeah, the worker ants go grab it, and they bring it back to the food. No, they bring it back to the queen. They're like, Steve, Steve, jackpot.

Check out what I found. This is jelly. This doesn't taste so good. No, it tastes delicious for ants. There you go. The queen is the mother of all the ants. Well, that makes sense. All right.

I am really, really low on my list here, so I'm going to go and solve a personal problem. That's all I'm going to do. I'm not going to. This one's not cool. This one's not cool this one's not not like oh man this is gonna cause poop to rain down this is like some kind of like a like a lipo thing uh no that would cause death not that personal more property personal oh my bad um but where these other two buffoons live is on the street. We basically all somehow magically live on the same street.

Yes. And, but I'm in a totally different neighborhood. The back of my fence goes up to the other side of the neighborhood that you guys are in. I'm going to blow that fence up. Are you trying to get us a path? Yeah. I mean, we've talked about tunneling we've talked about a uh bridge let's just blow up that i'm tearing down the neighbor's house man mr gorbachev blown up that wall

it's the only way to overcome the obstacles yeah my backyard wall it's gone my yard just got bigger you're just blowing up a wall. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's the front yard of two other houses, but I don't care. It's a hole now. All right, Mike, you are back on the clock. I mean, that was...

Finish this draft. That was very... That was niche. That was fiery and full of passion. Yeah, we're neighbors. And we were already neighbors. I had to go around the block. I didn't like that.

All right. It's inconvenient. Yeah. I mean, my final pick, I have the concept in my head, and I don't know exactly what I would be building, but I want to build like a giant Lego statue. Okay. And blow it up and just see what happens.

Can you actually destroy a Lego? Yep. Can you? Can you? Yeah, with dynamite. You think dynamite? I don't know that dynamite will do it. I think you're just going to break the Lego set.

Huh. Yeah. I have a feeling there'll be some damage to the Legos. I'm not sure. Charred? There's a little black on one of them? Yeah. You just rub off the soot

And it's good to go Legos are They're very hardy They're gonna get melted Yeah Maybe Here were some other picks that I I had watermelon

But I wasn't gonna Watermelon was on mine too I wasn't gonna take it with the pumpkin Yep Your Enemy Oh okay Which there was something mentally funny to me about murder no it was just so fun i was like oh you could murder someone there's the idea of like you know how people

mail bombs and stuff but instead in this situation they open the box and they're it's a stick of dynamite wiley e coyote opens his mailbox uh but another one i had was uh a fragrance store oh ulta was on my list oh really yeah just because there's a lot of chemicals i want to see what happens okay okay but yeah aquarium was on the list um i had a printer just because i thought about it i mean it's like the one piece of technology that they can't just get to work right just make printers work and the i mean your your firework factory and then you took it to a whole nother little propane uh propane tank but my my elegant solution was simply more dynamite oh yes a dynamite shop it was just gonna be my what would i like to blow up with a stick of dynamite more dynamite please

al is there anything i had a bus i thought a bus would I like to blow up with a stick of dynamite? More dynamite, please. Al, is there anything? I had a bus. I thought a bus would be funny to blow up to. Not with people. Of course. Just the Prius drivers. Just Prius drivers. Al, did you have anything else that we omitted?

I know that, you know. No, this was a tough one. I was brainstorming before, but no, you got most of it. How'd we do? What about a nuclear reactor? Better than I did. All right. All right. One more thing. What about a nuclear reactor? Better than I did. All right. All right.

One more thing. What did we learn today? I mean, I learned that you should not hop in the lion's den. Oh, you are welcome. Thank you. I learned you can get to the front of a lion by simply saying, I need to get to the front. I learned that it takes like two

to three months before you have to really empty one of those toilets. Oh goodness gracious. Stanky. Maybe we should all switch our toilets out in our house. The sewer works just fine for me. That'll do it for the Spitballers. Next week, the most epic

scat of all time. Do not miss it. Thank you for tuning in, everybody. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.