Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Driving with Kids on the Roof & The Best Board Games - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 16, 2021

Spit Hit for December 16th, 2021: Today, we face some real tough life advice like, ‘when to be honest with your spouse about how they look in those jeans’ and ‘what to do when a co-worker continues to ask you to meet up outside of work’. We also banter on some arguably more important topics such as - eating contests, body odor, and controlling the frequency and smell of your own farts. In everyone’s favorite mini-segment, Jason tells us everything he knows about BACON in 60 seconds. Lastly, help us sniff out a winner in our ‘Best Smells’ draft. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

spitwats i have a secret for you you might be surprised when i tell you this secret today's episode's one of the best that's the secret oh my gosh don't let them know well before listening it's a tease oh i mean why is it the best it's because this was the episode that we actually started the is this real life segment oh for the very first time you have my attention and uh we also discussed a very important topic to many of you out there, driving with kids on the roof of your car. So make sure you stay tuned to today's spit hit. You will enjoy it.

I promise you. That's my secret. Spit wads. We want to thank skylight frames for supporting the show. Why? Because the holidays are just around the corner and you need a perfect gift. And you want to be the person that gave the perfect gift. Not because it's all about you, but because it's also a little bit about how cool you are when you give a gift.

And people are like, oh my gosh, who gave you that? And then it's like that guy, that girl, she thought about the special gift and it was a Skylight Frame. I just got one. Did you really? For myself. Yeah, it's awesome because what is it? It's a photo frame. Yeah, we've seen that. I've seen skylight frame. I just got one. Did you really? For myself. Yeah, it's awesome because what is it? It's a photo frame. Yeah, we've seen that.

I've seen a photo frame. But it's a photo frame the way that they should work. You know what I mean? You're not downloading this on an SD card that you take. No, no, it's not 1942. Exactly. No, it's a skylight frame where you just email a picture to an email address, and it shows up on the frame.

So you have family members out of state, in state, upstate, downstate. It doesn't matter. You send them an email with the picture. They follow along with your family. What's going on? It can be day to day. Every day you do something. You know, I, I, grandparents don't, they don't Instagram as often as you'd like them to,

but they can have the photo frame right on the counter and see what's going on in your life. It's really cool. So now as a special offer, you can get $10 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame when you go to skylightframe.com and enter the code BALLERS. That's right. To get $10 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame, just go to skylightframe.com and enter the code BALLERS. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E.com.

Promo code BALLERS. dot com promo code ballers. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. See that boot that's hooping-doodle-da-doo-doo-doo. Ow! I said a lot of it to do.

Yeah. You know what I realized? He tried to connect with a different place of his emotions. I don't think you can do that with your eyes open. I think you're right. I don't think you can scat along to the open. I don't think you can scat along to the intro. I can't wait for my next one. No, I'm going to have the deepest, most intense eye contact with you, Jason. I look forward to it. It'll be the most intimate moment of your life.

You ever been stared in the eyes while someone scats all over you? I have not. I hope it never happens both kinds welcome and are you doing that too welcome into the spitballers podcast um look there are spitballers podcasts and then there are episodes like this this is when you go to the local sandwich shop and you get extra meat and extra cheese and you have them toast that bread

and you have them pile it on thick. We've got a jam-packed smorgasbord episode today because we've got a review. We've got a brand new segment. I know we teased it a couple weeks ago, but we're bringing some new segments to the

spit wads so we do want to thank everybody that has supported us so far over on uh our patreon page which is patreon.com beautiful people spitballers thank you first for your support hope you enjoy the whole archive of shows and then we want you to post your ideas over there, all of your segment ideas. Would you rather questions, life advice questions. If you see something for any of these new segments we're doing in the next few weeks, send your ideas in, and obviously draft ideas for the show. We turn to you first, Spitwads. We look to that post, hop in spit tank post post your ideas we'll be

looking at them and uh again thank you so much for supporting this podcast you know what else helps this podcast what helps that was intense reviews over on apple podcasts review asaurus rags this one comes in from the toronto crafters and this is from the united states of america so i assume this is uh an unhappy warriors fan would be my guess is but he or she says best podcast that will probably ever exist yep five stars probably this is probably true this podcast is life-changing andy mike and jason feel like the three best friends that i would want by my side they are funny loyal great people true and stupid sometimes yeah especially mike's hot hot takes oh that was not my that doesn't feel good i did not not add that. There's a trend

happening with these reviews. Who's filtering these? You guys are changing a lot of people's lives and bringing them joy, including mine. I was so lucky I found this podcast. You guys are phenomenal. Keep being buffoons. We will. Yeah, I was just saying, as far as

I know, the scientific research that I study, the vast array of medical journals that I frequently consume intellectually, I think you only become more of a buffoon as time goes by and you get older. Like, I can't imagine we become less of a buffoon as we lose the mental acuity that we have right now. Yes, and I want to say thank you to the Toronto Raptors, and I'm also really happy that the Raptors beat the Warriors if you are, in fact, a Warriors fan. So take that. Oh, man.

What a turn. Kind of a little bit of a Warriors fan, though. Thanks for the review. Well, I'm happy they beat you then. Thanks for the review. We appreciate it. You can't delete it it's too late we read it let's jump into our first segment would you rather all right this one

comes in off of twitter from at hp tim 802. Rolls off the tongue. Would you rather live in a penthouse on the 25th floor of a building with no elevator on it? Or at a walk-up? Or a long walk-up. Or on the ground floor in just a studio apartment. So this is great. This has to be some penthouse. Let's put it in New York City because we go there once or twice a year. We've had live shows there.

It's a great city to visit. I love visiting New York. I can't imagine trying to live down in Manhattan and have my kids and try to walk around and have them not disappear in the sea of people. But would you rather you've got a chance to have a 25th floor penthouse in Manhattan. Super nice. So nice. So modern, all glass. But 25 floors.

That's a lot. The other day, I went to a baseball game. We were in a parking garage. We walked to the wrong corner, not the elevator corner, the stairs corner. We were only on like the third floor. We walked three flights of stairs down wasn't the best time i've ever had i was gonna say it's down yes well we did i remember

a there was a very uh there was a light bulb turning point moment of my life it was that exact same scenario where it was i went downtown for some type of sporting event and we were on the third or the fourth floor and I took the stairs and on floor two there was no oxygen left in my body I was huffing and puffing on floor two and that's when I said I gotta I gotta some fix some things about my life just imagine leaving something leaving something in your car just imagine going grocery oh it's there forever. Oh, I've got a couple gallons of milk. Can I call Postmates to come up those stairs?

Wait. Wait a minute. Oh, yeah. Postmates and, like, do they have Prime? Soon they have Prime now. Oh, there's got to be a fee for 25 flights. Huffing and puffing up the stairs. But if it's a dollar per floor, it's a 25 feet 100 you're gonna pay

look i live in a penthouse okay i'm gonna pay the 25 do you ever leave the penthouse fire pole yeah fire escape exactly no look no fire escape is still stairs jason that's a good point but i get a breeze going out the window. It does not change the elevation or the level of exertion that it takes. Twenty five floors down on one of those vertical ladders. That's a fire escape. OK. Duly noted file. Fire pole is where it's at.

If this were a 10th floor. I would never accept it. I would never take 10 floors up with stairs. Like, I can't. What if you put one of those old person stair banister mechanical lifts into the. I mean, that's a 45 minute drive. You know how slow those are? Yeah, it's a 45 minute up to the 25th.

You can play on your phone. If that was the case. Would you sit there or would you take the stairs? It's the real question. I would 100% sit there for 45 minutes on my joyous ride to my great penthouse. And I'm flipping here. If this is an option to add the little slow-moving, you know. At your own expense, it's an option. Accessibility ramp up the stairs, I will 100% take the penthouse.

I'll take it. Really? That changes it. A 45-minute, quote-unquote, drive% take the penthouse. I'll take it. Really? That changes it. A 45-minute, quote-unquote, drive up to your penthouse. Absolutely. I mean, at that point, I'm going to have a bookshelf on that little ramp. New York's about living outside, right? About being out and about with the people.

You just need a little studio on the ground, don't you? I would turn into Howard Hughes if i was living in this penthouse if i would never leave you're gonna knock on my door and i'll shout don't look at me and i'll you'll i'm being in jars if you get the door open you'll see my beard and my hair and my fingernails just absolutely outrageous because i left the clipper down in the car as never getting it as it is would i rather live in a in a penthouse on the 25th floor of a building with no elevator or the ground floor of a studio apartment it would 100 be the studio apartment i mean there's no chance i can't even fathom what kind of palace would have to be up at the top of this building i mean i would have to live there i'm with you mike i would never i am not 25 floors is death in the current

in your current state in my current what's my current state mike he included himself oh i'm in there all right i would die a 35 year old man how that doesn't climb stairs regularly take us it's it's a 45 minute walk just to go up 25 floors without the ramp. Yeah, fair. I think. It's like the 30th floor. Just huffing and puffing, hands on knees, and then just. If you're the Postmates guy. I'm right behind you guys.

I've been here the whole time. Just waving at us. He passes us. Excuse me. On your right. Behind. On the right. Behind. On the right. Behind. He's got a bag of popcorn open.

Cruising up. Oh, yeah. If you are the Postmates person and you're delivering here for the first time, what floor do you give up? Oh, I... Because I would be telling you on text. I'd be like, no, just one more floor. Just one more. I would...

If I was the Post postmates person i'm the delivery person i would walk up i'd look for the elevator oh there's no elevator i see it on the 25th floor i'd put everything on the first step and i am out of there it's here come down and get it and they're like no you got to deliver it to the door i would drop kick their food right into the street there is no chance i'm going and delivering that for a $5 tip. Wouldn't you know, there is another Jason out there. Jason from the website submitted a would you rather question. Sounds smart.

Would you rather your life be a living musical or a living sitcom? Does it have a laugh track? It's got to. Of course it's a sitcom. It has to have a laugh track? It's got to. Of course it does.

It's a sitcom. It has to have a soundtrack. Laugh tracks are the worst. How did we accept that back in the 90s? How did we accept shows where it was like, laugh now, everybody. Oh, everybody. Man, they still have them on the tweener shows. Oh, I know.

And a little bit of me dies every time. If you watched shows when they had them, you're immune to them when you rewatch them. No, you're not. I mean, I go back, I watch Seinfeld episodes. It's what's supposed to be there. Isn't that a live studio audience, though? Oh, that's different than the laugh track? At least a little bit. I thought those were the same effect.

One is real, one is fake, But they both are annoying to me. I don't want, as a watcher on TV, to hear the laugh track. However, if I'm in real life and every little joke I give gets a round of applause, sign me up. Or the awkward Disney silence for a bad joke. You don't know what character you are in that sitcom. You could be the foil. You could be the, you know, you might not be the main event. You could.

But there's also a chance that you get that cool entrance where every time you come in, hey-oh! And then you throw out your catchphrase. And then just everybody's cheering. You throw out your catchphrase. Mikey Mike rode his bike. Woo! That would be awesome.

That would be not bad. Now, the musical side, I imagine, would be fun at first, and then it would get annoying when there's something benign you want to do. If I'm at the grocery store, and I just picked a banana, and I'm going to check out- I'm looking for a checkout on aisle two. Yeah, instead of me getting to check out, I got to listen to a three and i'm going to check out for a checkout on aisle two and all the yeah instead of like me getting to check out i gotta listen to a three and a half minute he's buying his groceries he's buying his groceries buying his groceries he's buying his groceries my big worry is that

there's no musicals out there that don't include i hope he has a coupon that don't include dance numbers that's what yeah and so there's musicals that don't have dancing. They might dance around you. I mean, you don't have to. That's the question is, do I have to get in on this? You have to sing. How do you not get in on it? You're welcome, America.

How do you not get in on it after two or three minutes of all the employees of the Safeway are now dancing about your banana you're about to buy? And you get the effect of, because unrealistic things will happen in the musical. You know, the chorus behind you, and, like, fireworks and things going, like a big celebration, a light show is happening. I like the idea that you just meet somebody at a Starbucks. Let's say you're, like, you just meet somebody,

and the musical decides that's your love interest for the remainder of the musical. You've got a soliloquy to the fourth wall just saying like, this is the one. No, I'm married, but this is the one. I mean, look. She's looking at you like, huh? Here's something that is true and maybe surprising.

I don't know if our listeners would be shocked or they'd go, well, of course. I mean, they're buffoons. We all are big musical fans. Well, okay. You're not the biggest musical fan, Mike. It's hard to impress me with them. I've seen a lot. Snooty.

Yes. Snooty pants over here. That's fine. I will live in that castle. I will live in that penthouse. I don't care. Here's the thing. If he's hard to impress, he may not like musicals.

Yes. That's what I'm saying. I love them. I adore them. Jason, you have loved them forever. Oh, man. We just saw Hamilton in Chicago. Hamilton's great.

And San Francisco. Clearly, you guys can't wait for the Cats movie. Here's something that's weighing on me though musicals frequently have bad things happen to people yes in a sitcom like a plot well like like a deeper plot than a sitcom which is normally like it's very it's all surface yeah there's there's always someone mikey wrote his bikey. People die in every musical. Every dramatic musical, people die. Oh, that's true.

Not enough of them in Cats, but. Oh, yes. That's a joke I could get behind. That plays on so many levels. It's a terrible musical and Cats. Oh, it does. Yeah, I can't go. I would love to go see it, i'm allergic oh uh yeah give me the sitcom

life i mean i feel like for sure the sitcom life like i already live it a little bit it's the cartoon life and the cartoon world we talked about you you thought you were the truman show or something like that yeah i mean i've got the... Let's revisit this. I just... Psychological examination. Look, I know this will break some people's hearts, but I know you're watching. Sorry. If he holds up an ad for something... Yes, there are people watching

because the show's on YouTube. Yeah, we do a show. Yeah, just them, Mike. I hear you. Weak. All right, we have one more Would You Rather question from Franklin, an official spitwad. Franklin says, would you rather narrate your own actions in the third person at all times

or answer every call from every telemarketer and engage in conversations with them until they hang up? Jason takes a sip of water as he contemplates this question. They will never hang up. They will never hang up. Jason takes a sip of water as he contemplates this question. They will never hang up. They will never hang up. Oh, they'll hang up after you give them the money. After you accept whatever. The other day I had a telemarketer call me.

I said, I'm really sorry. This is a bad time. They said, oh, I'm really sorry. I don't mean to bother you. Maybe we'll call back another time. At that point, I thought he'd hang up. He then proceeded to tell me five or six more lines about what they're doing as his way of saying goodbye. So I hung up.

It's a scourge on humanity. You have to answer. Oh, telemarketers are. Look, if you are out there and you're a telemarketer and I get it. You look, you've got a J. You're paying the bill. You got to pay the bill. Quit.

I mean, I get it. You got a bill. Quit. He's only got, and I get it. Look, you've got a J-O-B. You're paying the bill. You've got to pay the bill. Quit. I mean, I get it. You've got a bill. Quit. He's only got one bill. Stop it. Telemarketers have got one. Walk out of your job. You don't need that car.

You don't need that home, says Jason. Food? Not by that. Look, don't sling rock. Don't be a telemarketer. There's things that you don't do out there to make your money, and being a telemarketer is one of those. Stop it.

I can't imagine it puts you on a very solid character path as a telemarketer. It hardens you to the world around you. Your skin has to be thick as rocks. And everybody hates you. All right, you got to do one. Thick as rocks. Are you going to be a bill collector or a telemarketer? Oh, a bill collector or a telemarketer? Oh, a bill collector?

A bill collector. Am I possessing vehicles? No, you're just calling collections. Yeah, I mean, look, they owe the money. At this point, that's on them. I didn't do anything to get sold your stupid magazine. Stop calling me. Oh, man.

I mean, I don't want to be either. Oh, also, bill collectors, quit your jobs. Oh, my God. I'm just saying, look, then I don't want to be either. Oh, also, bill collectors, quit your jobs. Oh, my gosh. I'm just saying, look, then I don't have to pay my bills. If your job gets awkward at any point, sales, quit. If you're in sales, quit now. I like that we glossed over my thick as rocks. Oh, I did not.

I heard it. Your skin needs to be as thick as rocks. Yeah, because when you think of what are things that are thick. Rocks. How would you have narrated that moment of your life? Jason realized that he said something that made no sense and was ashamed, but laughed at himself as a coping mechanism. As a way to cover the pain.

Hopefully no one noticed. All right. Are we ready for a brand new segment? What are you going with, by the way to cover the pain hopefully no one noticed all right are we ready for a brand new segment what are you going with by the way i will say i guess we didn't officially answer i would rather narrate my actions than talk to telemarketers all day long i would i'll go with the telemarketers because and this is look a shout out to blossom and joey nice whoa yes uh back in and Joey. Nice. Whoa. Yes. Back in the day, I think that's where this was from, but I remember watching a sitcom once

and what they would do, and I did this no joke, true story in real life a lot when I was younger, and I got it from this show. A telemarketer would call and they would answer the phone and they would say, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. To everything they said. That's all they would say and they would count how many thank you thank you thank you to everything they said that's all they would say and they would count how many thank yous they could do until the telemarketer hung up and i did it oh it works that's a fun game it was a fun game how many oh it was it was more than you think it was probably like 15 like it was it was a lot they would because they'd keep reading the script they're told like they can't hang up. So yeah, I would take the telemarketer. Because look, how often do I get called by a telemarketer?

Have you seen this? My phone? Like four times a day. Sure, four times a day. How often do you take an action? You have to narrate. At least six times a day. At least six.

I mean, you're narrating everything you do in life. They have telemarketing AI that you can install on your phone. It's fantastic. And it will answer the call and it will AI talk to them for as long. It is trained

to talk to the telemarketer as a person for as long as it can to try to take as much time from the telemarketer so that they cannot talk to somebody else. Get body. It's made mostly to stop scammers and stuff in particular who prey upon the elderly with these schemes, which is just ridiculous.

That breaks my heart. This is a call from the FBI. And you'll hear the robot on the other line sounds like a person, and you'll hear stuff in the background, and they'll be like, hold on, hold on, hold on, sir. My kids, my kids, hold on a second. Oh, man. All that type of stuff.

So pretty funny. I'm going to get that installed. Mike, are you going narration or telemarketing? No, no, no. You've got to do the telemarketer. All right. Spit Wads, we want to thank talk space for supporting the show. We are proud partners with talk space.

Talk space is making it easier to prioritize your mental health as opposed to the things that I think people have done for a long time, which is to prioritize productivity and working hard and not talking about things and just getting through it. Well, that's damaging to your longterm health. And you know, it's not just the everyday person. It's Olympic-level athletes like Michael Phelps who have said, you reach out when you need support.

That's courageous. That's not weakness to reach out if you need help. And Talkspace matches you with a licensed therapist, and you can get confidential, convenient, and affordable support for your mental health. We've all tried Talkspace. We've all used Talkspace, and we understand the value of prioritizing that part of life. It's like any other part of your life. You work it out.

You want to make sure that you're giving it its due and not ignoring it so that it stacks up time after time after time. Mental health is extremely valuable and important. And there's a lot of stigma around there, but Talkspace makes it easy to kind of make it happen because it's at your convenience. You can send and receive unlimited messages 24-7. You get a dedicated therapist. You get live video sessions if you want them,

and it's from anywhere. So if you feel like your mental health has been stuck on the sidelines, Talkspace is here to help. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to Talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code Ballers. That's $100 off when you use the code Ballers at Talkspace.com. Is this real life? It's a brand new segment. When that music played, even though I am in fact the one that composed it,

I had no idea what was happening. Yes, brand new. Here's what this segment is. It's called Is This Real Life? We are each individually bringing forth one news story or article that has blown our minds, something that might make you roll your eyes or make you crack up or make you shocked at what's happening in the world.

And we're going to bring it up, and we're going to talk about it, and we're going to reveal it to the other two people and see what happens. All right? Okay. All right. Jason has been so over-eager to tell us about his news story that he found. I'm just looking forward to this because my mind did some mental gymnastics while I read this headline. Here's the headline. Oh, I can't wait.

Mom charged after driving with kids inside inflatable pool on roof. What? inside inflatable pool on roof so what mom charged after driving with kids inside inflatable pool on roof so okay i'm all right so this inflatable pools on the roof of the vehicle so yes that is true but here's the best part when i read the headline the first time, I literally, I'm so stupid. I read mom charged with driving with kids inside of a pool that was on the roof. So I thought there was an inflatable pool on the roof of a house. And they were driving. And they were just charged.

What would you charge him? What would you charge him with? You would charge him with driving house. I don't know. This is not a legal representation of what can be a car. I do not know how my brain thought that at first. That was a lot to follow. I'll be honest.

The first mental picture i had was she was on the roof of a house yes but then you realized that couldn't possibly be true it wasn't until now is she driving and the inflatable thing is on the roof of the van with kids in it yes and this that's horrifying yes it turns out it was a much scarier situation than what I had read. What I had read was silly and stupid. This was insane and downright illegal. Was she intoxicated? No. She was not intoxicated.

Here's the best part. Is that better or worse? That's a great question. For the long-term health of those kids. So here's the thing. First of all, the vehicle in question was an Audi SUV. Okay, so this is a luxury car. Sure.

They've got means, at least, to have that vehicle. I don't know. Pay for shipping. Ship the pool home. So the kids. I don't think that's the problem yeah that's clearly not the problem the kids are in the roof of the inflatable pool to hold it down on the roof to get it home so they can get it how old are they how old are these kids so the the kids there are two wait a minute so they. So they're sitting in the pool on top to keep it down on the roof.

Totally not tied down. That is not smart. Inflatable? Inflatable. Now, correct me if I'm wrong. Generally, a pool that is inflatable is henceforth deflatable. Yes, that is true, Mike. So they could not be bothered to deflate said pool so it could fold up

no how well it's so easy just throw it on the roof charged for it well yeah of course she's charged do you have any previous charges or convictions yes i have one i was really more of a moving violation i might or might not have driven my children in a pool on the roof of my van so I mean that's like I don't know how old I've got three kids right 10 10 and 6 I know

how like two of my kids they're crazy they'll jump off a bridge into an ocean because it's fun I know they would say I I'm not doing that. I'm not getting on the roof of the car with the not tied down inflatable pool while we drive home. Unbelievable. It is unbelievable.

This publication needs to look at their editing process because the headline could have been fixed. That headline was purposely awesome. Mom charged after driving with kids inside a inflatable pool on roof. Wow. Okay, Mike, me or you? You go ahead. All right. Is this real life?

This story is crazy? Insane? Maybe things of nightmares? Here's the headline. Indian man, 20 years old, wakes up at his own funeral after being pronounced dead by doctors. What? 20 years old. Indian man is at his own funeral. What?

His family sees him move. Is this a. In the casket. Was it a practical joke? No. No. Here's what makes this story all the more insane. Mind you, they're mourning the loss of their son.

Yeah, he's dead. Or they're celebrating. They ran out of money to pay the hospital to keep him alive. What? The hospital declares him dead when they ran out of money. What? Where is this? What in the what?

Where did this happen? In an Indian city of Lucknow. Okay, so this is over in actual India. Yes, he was declared dead by Indian medical professionals, but his surprise awakening at the funeral shocked the mourners. You think?

I mean... You can't find a better word. So he immediately was brought to the hospital, put on a ventilator, and obviously the hospital's like, yeah, this guy's alive. Oh, my bad. Wow. He had been unconscious due to an automobile accident.

They paid $12,000 and ran out of money for this private hospital, at which point the hospital found it most efficient to just declare him dead. That is insane. Oh, no. Had they had more money and kept him in the hospital, it seems like getting out of the hospital is what brought him back to life. That is fair.

You know what I mean? If they only had $3,000, if they only had $3,000, would he have come back a lot quicker? Because, oh, we're out of money. Oh, he's dead. Oh, now we can get on with it. Oh, he's alive. Good news.

Celebration. We're all here. We all came to celebrate. I mean, wow. Good news. The city's chief medical officer said an investigation is underway. Oh, that's underway. We have. Oh, that's good.

We have taken cognizance of the incident and the matter will be thoroughly probed. So they're going to try to stop this from happening again. But can you imagine? I. Mourning. No, that has to be great news, right? Is this. This is.

Are you. Are you. I mean, you have to only be happy right you as the family like obviously you're angry with the hospital right the doctors but but at the end you you just got your son back or your yes or whatever yes the brother's quote says we were preparing for the burial when some of us saw movement in his limbs. Insane. Because you would need more than one person. You would need more than one person to say it,

right? If one person goes... If you're one person alone, do you even say anything? Like, I couldn't have saw that. I couldn't have saw someone... What? Did they move? That's just normal twitching, says the doctor. Put another shovel scoop on him. Don't worry about this. That's... Wow. I'm not dead yet. Unbelievable. Alright, so that was my story. twitching says the doctor put another shovel scoop on him don't worry about this that's um

unbelievable all right so that that was my story and that is real life all right uh my story here for the is this real life debut there's there's not a whole lot to it but the the headline The headline, suspects loud fart helps police sniff out his hiding place. Oh, my gosh. Yes, this is why I can't be a criminal. So this took place in Missouri. The only reason you can't be a cat burglar. This is because of my loud fart. And they were looking for a feller.

They were after him. And he was hiding. Apparently, a pretty good hiding spot. Oh, my goodness. He couldn't hold it in? I mean, at this point, you know you're hiding. The police are looking for you.

Ah, this one's not going to make sound. Oh no! He went with the gamble. We've all done the gamble. Spread the cheeks, man! I mean it. Reach into your pants. Hold on.

Hold on. Just don't fart. No, no, no. Sometimes you really got to let it go. Sometimes you got to. Oh, yeah. And there's certain techniques. But hold on.

My techniques have all been about doing some twister inside with the bowels and positioning. But Jason, you are opening my eyes to something. Have you gone full spread? That's a real thing? A manual spread? You're telling me that neither one of you have ever found it necessary to just spread the cheeks and cause a silent. Never?

I stand alone here? I mean, Borland is dying over here. Are you in the category with Mike and I? This isn't like a daily occurrence, but it's happened. I've never done the cheek spread. Oh, you've got to try it. Look, if you're out there and you have not tried the cheek spread, I guarantee a silent fart.

I guarantee it. This is the real headline. You're going to like the way you fart. I guarantee it. You're firing a blow dart. Yeah. I mean, that's not just going to be a... Now, the article headline...

It could lead... Look, I tend to imagine... Oh, it's more like a hot exhale? Aren't accidents more likely to happen if you're manually opening? Well, I mean, I don't use that much force. We're just making sure the cheeks are closing. The man was never found, but a pile of his feces was found in a local bush. So now the headline says, help the police sniff him out.

But it was the sound. It was not the smell, right? It was the sound. I was very confused at first trying to get through. Do they train dogs for that? And then there's the video of the police with the dogs. It was going to be a lot funnier to me if he was still silent. It's just so bad.

It's like, oh, he's this way. Hold on, fellas. We need to take a second look in this room. Something's happening. That would have been funnier to me. But it's also, you spread your butt cheeks. Look, if I'm in that situation. I am shocked.

If I'm in that situation and I've got a fart and I'm hiding from the police and the dogs that are nearby who can hear everything, you do whatever you have to do to not just rip your shorts. I mean, you're going to lose hide and seek every time. Unbelievable. Not anymore. Unbelievable. I'll never lose again. You're welcome. It's draft time.

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Hawthorne.co promo code spitballers. The spitballers draft. Hey, what's worse being declared dead when you're not or being caught because you let one go in your hiding spot by the police? What if you're caught letting one go, pulling the Jason maneuver? Butt cheeks in hand. I'm so disturbed, so afraid. All right, here's today's draft.

This one came in from Jared on Twitter. A lot of people have been demanding this one. We are drafting the best board games, right? For a game night. Best board games for a game night. Jason, you get the first pick. It's an interesting one. It's so subjective,

right? It is extremely subjective and I have a feeling at least based on my list because I'm going with games that I actually play and I actually love and I know there's this new world where they're making a new board game every other week and people are loving them

but I haven't got to experience them so be prepared board game junkies out there you're going to be pretty angry but oh yeah because we're not in with the hottest hippest newest board games um but you got the first pick i'm gonna start with a classic obviously it's it's my 101 it's not the 101 because i think the 101 probably the most famous game of all time is one of the worst and i look forward to mocking either of you when you take it

probably be me um but no look a game i grew up loving i haven't played it in a long time like over a decade but as a teenager i loved it we'd get together we'd play it i would challenge anybody classic like i would and ladders coming right here yes i was so good at it i always got some ladders coming right here. Yes. I was so good at it. I always got the ladders. Um, no, no, no. It was risk risk. All right. There's so much strategy to the game of risk. And I felt like when you had enough group of people, you could actually use, you know, the politics, the, the, the, the social manipulation of situations and start getting people to worry about other things. And I just like, especially at that time in my life, I really liked manipulating people, places, things. So I'd win and it was a lot of fun.

Risk is a great game though. Have have you guys played it i like it i love risk i thought that that was the one you were gonna mock if i took it oh what i have minimal exposure to risk i didn't play very much you would love it it is a long game it can take very very long time it can take a long time not not as long as some games like the one I will mock. No, I get that. This is actually a difficult choice because I'm thinking a little bit strategic here about I've got a handful of games that I think are great. You took risk.

That would have been one of them. Sweet. But I'm trying to figure out what's going to get past Mike. Mike's got back-to-back picks, and I'm really on the fence here. I mean, there's some classics and then there's ones. I'm going to just go with the game that, when I was playing it frequently, I looked forward to more than any other board game

in my life. So when I was into it, because you go through phases, right? We don't play board games a ton anymore, but I used to play them a lot. And when I was into it, Settlers of Catan was my favorite board game that would have been my pick and there's no way that would have made it back yeah i saw i'm i just looked forward to playing it more than anything else it's a great strategy game it's a lot of fun i've never played expansions oh man it's really really engaging

everybody says it's great and i've and and then nobody ever invited me over yeah hey guys the game was already full you could only have so many players already yeah no totally i get it yeah sorry next time well but you've never played so you're gonna come in we're gonna have to teach you how to play and that is not dealing with the thing that i can't do anymore is i've got friends that so i'm like the casual board game guy um if I have a group of friends that all know the rules and all play together that's fun almanac here's how you play but I've got friends that are are so into board games and like when we have a game night I don't want to learn the whole time and then by the time the game night's over I'm like oh man I just got

the rules figured out goodbye and then I don't see him for a while. So that makes it harder. But Settlers of Catan is my pick. That would have been my pick. Very, very easy first pick for me. All right. So what is the official name of this draft? Are we just going best board games or best board games for a game night?

Whatever. I mean, we talked beforehand. Card games can count. Oh, really? Yeah. We did. We did. We did. Where were you count. Oh, really? Yeah. We did. We did. We did.

Where were you? But not like poker. No. No. We're not saying poker. Yeah. But games that are. No, I heard you talk about Uno before.

Yeah, if it's something you could buy in or around a game aisle. All right. I'm going to go with my favorite game other than Settlers of Catan, but my favorite game. I'm going with Taboo. Oh, so good. Dang it. It wasn't even on my list., I'm going with Taboo. Oh, so good. Dang it. It wasn't even on my list. Taboo's very fun.

Taboo is the best. I don't know if you guys are familiar with the movie Four Christmases. It was a holiday comedy. It's got Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon. But they go, and there's a scene where there's a couple that's been together forever, and they're playing taboo, and they give the most obscure clues because it just references something that happened with the relationship, and it ends up getting to the clue.

My wife and I, we had a New Year's party, and we were playing against a couple of my friends, and everyone was with their significant other, and we just wiped the floor with everybody. We were in such a mind melt. It would be the most ridiculous thing where you're like, green bird, and you're like, oh, yeah, that was Colby Cheese. And you're like, what?

How does that possibly make sense? So I love Taboo. And the other party game I love playing, I'm going to go with Cards Against Humanity. It's not for everyone. I've never played it. It's not for everyone because it's all about making the funniest, most offensive thing you can make with your cards. But it's a fantastic time. All right.

I am. I'm on the clock then. That is correct. Hmm. Hmm. All right. Well, I know what Jason won't draft, which means I know it'll get back to me. Yes, it will.

Which it's a good game, but I'm between a couple. I've had a lot of fun with this one, so I'm going to go with Scattergories. I love Scattergories. It's on my short list. Outstanding game. Always a blast. So number two on my list is Scattergories, which as of this moment I learned was born in 1988.

1988? Yeah. Wow. Impressive. Impressive. By Parker Brothers. I was just wondering who made Scattergories. Thank you, Ian.

You are welcome. So that's me now. Does anyone else make games? Who's the big name? Hasbro. Ah, Hasbro. That's right. I got it.

All right, Jay. You're up. What are you writing down? Oh, the thing you learned today. Yeah, there you go. All right. So I'm up. I've got a couple.

So I've got to go with this one first because, again, growing up, this was like my family's game. My family would play this every time there was a family gathering. We'd bring. Mousetrap. That's what makes a game good, though, is that. Yes. That's what taboo. We'd have family games of taboo.

It was so fun. I'm really upset you got Taboo. It's just such a great game. No, but Balderdash. Yes, it's on my list as well. Did you guys ever play Balderdash? I'm going to run out of things to chat. I did not ever play that.

Now, is it where you make up a definition type of thing? Yes. So there's Balderdash 1, Balderdash 2. I like the OG. But, yes, you'd make up a definition it would say some word and then it would give you the real crazy definition and then everyone would write their own uh fake definition and you try to convince other people to vote saying that that they believe that's the real definition for the word look my wife knows this people know this

when it comes to board games or just any kind of little competitive thing, I'm not proud of this, but I'm also not hiding behind the fact that I'm a cheater. I'll cheat to win. This is accurate. If I can cheat to win, I will cheat to win. And normally by cheat you mean is there a loophole by which I can kind of manipulate the outcome? Yes, absolutely. Or just outright cheating.

Also known as cheating. Can I just change the score? And so how would you? Oh, you would. Wait. But here's. So here's where it started. If you're the scorekeeper, you'll just.

If I'm losing. You'll just. I mean, look, let's be fair. You would not do that. No, let's be fair. I'm usually. Have you done that? I don't.

I don't know. I don't know. Answer the question, Jason. I take a couple of chips from you yeah we have a poker game coming up i better be careful i bet i win uh so here but here's the thing the reason i bring this up and the reason i want to go with ballerash is because i have this memory this story when i was a kid and so i i i tried to cheat because I would often win as a kid with all the grownups in this game. And so I was down. And so I get this card.

And on the definition, it was something about the first car sold by Ford was the Model T. Right? That was what the answer was. And I was a kid. I didn't know anything. You guys probably know the Model T was like... It was the first assembly car. Right. That was what like the answer was. And I was a kid. I don't, I didn't know anything. Like you guys probably know the model T was like, yeah, that was the first assembly car. Right. Yeah.

Well, so I was reading this and so I was the person in charge of reading the real answer. And so I changed the real answer to F on the T. I like drew a line on the card and read the model F thinking that nobody would know the real answer. So you tried to overtly cheat and it was the biggest obvious. All my family was like no, that can't be the real answer. It was the model T and I was like

how do you know this? Is this common knowledge? And you got busted. I got busted big time. Unbelievable. Balderdash. The best the best part risk in balderdash the best part of balderdash was when you just decided that you're gonna forfeit an entire point yes and you would and you would just write an entire paragraph and disparage somebody in the room usually the person who has to read them yes knowing whatever i'm not gonna get any points you And you know what?

If you're funny enough with those, people will vote for it. You'll still get the points. All right. I got back-to-back picks, right? Yes. I'm going to take, so I was thinking about like Pictionary. I love the drawing games. I love the acting out games.

Like Charades is not really a board game you buy, but I love Charades. There is one. And so I'm taking cranium oh all right because cranium game it's a board game that includes that's like the starbucks game or something it's like you you have pictionary you have charades you have uh clay where you craft you've got like four different categories where you are uh playing a game very similar to charades or yeah pictionary no makes sense there you go i've played that a handful of times it's fun are playing a game very similar to charades or Pictionary. No, makes sense.

There you go. I've played that a handful of times. It's fun. I have Settlers of Catan. I have Scattergories, and I will stay with the board games that begin with the letter S. I'm going to go with Scrabble. I'm going to go with Scrabble.

I do, too. Why do you hate it? Because I'm terrible at it. That's why I hate it. Because Scrabble people are the worst. When you're good at Scrabble, you're not good at Scrabble. You're unfreaking believable at Scrabble. When you're good at Scrabble, you're just like, how do you see all of these words and know all of these words?

What, do you read books or something? I like oh sweet here comes eat is there an s out there six points yeah scrabble played a lot of scrabble scrabble's fun i'm one of those people you're really good at it i hate that yeah all the word games. Boggle. Scrabble. The only problem that I have with Scrabble is that there isn't really a built-in time limit to placing your word. Like you don't have a little sand timer. Right. You can wait forever. So if a person wants to sit there and ponder for 20 minutes. You should play with Mike and I.

We don't take much time. Fart. Yes. Oh, if I could play fart. On a double word? F has to have a lot of points, right? It's the model F. All right, Mike, you are up. You got two picks to round your draft out.

Yeah, and all the ones that I actually really wanted to take, they have all been selected. Super Smash Brothers. Operation. Operation is a great game. I didn't ever like those games. Operation or Perfection. Oh, that one is.

The anxiety attack inducing. And then it just explodes. That was the worst. Oh, no. No, thank you. All right. I'll go. This was a family game, too.

Probably not as popular, not a big vote-getter, but we didn't have Risk in my household growing up, but we had Stratego, and I was a massive fan of Stratego. I assume that's just the poor man's Risk. It's a two-player. Have you never played Stratego? I have never. I think it's very, very, very.

Like I said. I've heard of it never i've never had a phase it's very different well then to all the people all my strategic truthers out there yeah when you get the spy and you are dismantling all of the bombs that there is nothing much better in this life than getting a round of bombs out of the way. All right, and then I will finish it up because one of my favorite things is I like trivia games, but I'm not going to take the Pursuit. Trivial Pursuit. Because what I like more than trivia is movie trivia, so I'm going to take Seen It.

Oh, that's great, yeah. I forgot when that came out. Yes. They have the movie clips and stuff on the dvds so i hate trivia games because turns out i'm bad at them but i know understanding why you cheat so much right bad at scrabble bad at trivia but but when it comes to movies like i grew up just andy we were talking about our childhood the other day and I was like I didn't have toys like I had them I it wasn't like I was kept in a box it was just like I didn't like I didn't play with action figures I didn't play with toys I had three toys it was a basketball

hoop that I played with non-stop a pool in the backyard and then it was the tv tv movies when it came to like those things I feel like Seen It, that's a trivia game I would love because I can crush. I know those answers. I hate trivia games like Jeopardy. Who watches Jeopardy? Who actually knows the answers? There are people that watch it.

The people that play Scrabble. Yeah. It's a great question because Jeopardy is still going on and on and on and on forever. I know why. Who's watching it? Here's why Jeopardy is good. It's not because. No, it's good.

It's not because you know the answers. It's because of the feeling when you know an answer. You don't know most of them, but the feeling you get when you know one of them and you say it before the other people. All right. I'm on the clock with my last pick, which is great because I'm not going to take the one you want to make fun of, which means it will go undrafted. I'm so proud of us. Monopoly will go undrafted. Yes.

Get bodied, stupid, long, awful Monopoly. It's not that bad. It's like anything. If you're playing with committed people that want to play the game, it can be fun. Rate of play. If it's moving, Monopoly is fun. Give me Monopoly Junior. Yeah, there you go.

Legit Monopoly. Also, shout out to Boggle. I own Boggle. Come at me. My pick here, though, is a classic game. It is a nostalgia game. It's a great game in and of itself, but it's super fun, and I have so many memories of playing it with my mom.

And it is Clue. Clue is so great. I passed on. And I like finishing my draft with Clue. Mystery figured out. That's a good one. So hearing some of these... Oh, shout out Dominion as well. I will take

Dominion. I don't know that one. I think I have played that one so hearing some of these where i i hadn't thought of them the taboo and uh what did you just draft andy clue clue i'm like oh i know there's gonna be games out there that i just forget and i loved but i completely whiffed on them but i'm gonna go with a game now we we said that this can be you know card game uno style yeah growing up man nerd alert magic the gathering i love wow we get together for a magic gathering you know the sneaky last pick it is that's a sneaky good last i'm going to go with that. I mean, had the binders.

Whoa. I thought you had three toys growing up. Oh, I guess no, there you go. Can you four? I stand corrected. Four. Alright, so Jason, your team is Risk, Balderdash, Cranium, and Magic the Gathering. Sounds like a great time.

I've got Settlers of Catan, Scattergory, Scrabble, and Clue. Mike, you have Taboo, Cards Against Humanity, Stratego, and Seen It. Mm-hmm. Pretty good? No Monopoly. Yes. And Monopoly got bodied.

What did we learn today? What did we learn today? I learned that every person has a built in silencer for their derriere anytime you want so frightening I learned that Scattergories was made by Parker Brothers

in 1988 yeah well that's true what did I learn today on the show I learned that I'm uninviting Jason to my poker party Yeah. Well, that's true. What did I learn today on the show? I don't know. I learned that I'm uninviting Jason to my poker party. I ain't bringing no cheaters around them parts. What color chips do you have? I'll bring my own.

You can bring your Magic the Gathering cards. Thank you for tuning in, everyone. Hey, check out SpitballersPod.com if you want to help support the show. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. If you want to help support the show, goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.