Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Duck Conspiracies & Activities for the Perfect Day - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

Spit Hit for October 19th, 2023: Come on in! Everyone’s here! On today’s show we discuss dying of dysentery, eating cake while hiking, and bun dunking. We also weight the pros and cons of all the Encanto superpowers and learn all about where ducks really come from. We round it out with a draft of activities for the perfect day! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-scoo-doo-bow-wow, hey now, everyone's here! Yeah! All right Yeah Everyone's here Alright I loved it That was one of my favorites

Really Oh there was You didn't know where you were going Was there a bow wow in there There was After the skoodoo Mike You kept pushing through You just, you didn't know where you were going. Oh, no. Was there a bow wow in there? There was. And you just, you kept. After the skoo-doo, Mike. You kept pushing through.

Oh, that was tough. It really felt like wheels that were working, but they were like octagon shaped. Yeah. It was a little bumpy, but you kept moving forward. Well, I was very surprised it was my turn right before the show started. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Excited to be with you. Everyone's here, man.

Everyone's here. That's true. You're here. We got Al. Al Borland is here. I'm here. The judge is here, I think. I'm here.

Yeah. And Mike is here. Jason's here. Everyone's here. Everyone's here. We've got Would You Rather. That's a great question and we are drafting activities for a perfect day sounds nice so i you know we we've been friends for a long

time we know each other pretty well i think some of our activities will be different from one another in terms of uh a perfect day but some will be the same and we'll be competing. Yeah. Maybe someday in the future we'll draft for each other. That would be funny. Yeah. But the opposite? Activities for a bad day? Oh, yeah. Send me hiking.

Oh, I was going to send you to a child's birthday party. Oh, just as bad. Child's birthday party. Oh, just as bad. Would you rather go hiking alone or to a... And it's not just an appearance. You pop in, you pop out. No, you're going to a full two-hour children's birthday party.

You don't have to participate in the activities. You can sit off to the side, but you've got to be there. Or you could go hiking by yourself. It's easy answer and it is if it is over birthday party if it's over 55 degrees it is the birthday party if it is under 55 degrees it is hiking one of them has cake that's not both of them can have cake my friend you You are limiting yourself on the hiking experience. If I'm out there hiking and this fella walks by me with a full cake. I'm not. Just holding the plate with a cake. He's eating a cake while you're. Excuse me.

Passing on the left. Oh, no. I'm just saying. Have a slice of cake. Get up to the top of the mountain. Sit and enjoy the view. Enjoy your cake and then go back down. Have a up to the top of the mountain, sit and enjoy the view, enjoy your cake, and then go back down. Have a picnic at the top of the mountain.

If you had a cake with you when you're hiking, like a full cake, and you forced the people you passed to take a slice, because that's not convenient for them to take a slice of the cake. Spitwads, never accept a slice of cake from a stranger. That's a rule of thumb, no matter whether it's a hike or just you're out and about at the grocery store. Would you like a slice of my cake? No, thank you. It's delicious. No, thank you. Please listen to me.

Oh, my goodness. Let's kick this off. Would you rather? Would you rather? Austin from the website, would you rather be sucked into the Oregon Trail video game as a team or be sucked into Super Mario Brothers single player? So it's the five of us. I'm a little confused.

Why don't you explain it to me a little better? The Oregon Trail, those of the proper age, you know exactly what we're talking about. You say Oregon Trail and everyone is transported back to being a child playing this game in computer lab at school. Yeah, it was the one game you could play at school. If you have not played it, I mean, they keep remaking this game. That would be very strange if you at least haven't heard of it. But the game is a simulation game of you back in, what, the 1800s? Yeah. And you're taking your family on the Oregon Trail.

You live on the East Coast. It's a tough trail. You heard all about life. Ain't no cake on that trail. Oh, there's definitely no cake. But there are bison that you can slaughter and then take 20 pounds and leave the rest of the thousands of pounds to rot away in the in the great plains uh but you are on the east coast you hear life is

fantastic on the west coast so you get uh on your or or you don't get on your organ you get get on the trail yeah no an organ like an organ. And then you head to Oregon. Like a piano. Yeah, big windpipe instruments. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. So anyways, I didn't need that at all, any of what you just said. What I needed to understand was as a team or the single player part of this. What makes you're alone in the Super Mario world or you're with people

in the Oregon Trail? Because the Oregon Trail world is worse. No, it isn't. Have you ever died of dysentery in Super Mario Brothers? Have you ever had a fireball shot on you on the Oregon Trail? Have you ever shot a fireball I would counter you with? Let me say this. You fought fire with fire?

There are too many sheer drop-offs on my single player super mario world do you get multiple lives oh that's important that's a very important question in the game yeah i i would assume you all you get all the attributes of the game so like you can jump higher can eat multiple lives changes everything yeah i think you have to have multiple lives. Think about Wreck-It Ralph. Let's take Wreck-It Ralph rules. Okay.

Perfect. They're living in the video game world, and they die, and then they spawn back unless they leave the game. Can I restart the Oregon Trail? No. No, no, no. Oregon Trail is game over. You're done.

There's no extra lives. No, no, no, but Trail is... You're done. Game over. There's no extra lives. No, no, no. But you could restart at the beginning. You're going to play the game over and over. No, that would be a different play session.

So let's keep it to one play session. Yeah. Three lives in Mario or one life in Oregon Trail. No, I mean, that changes everything. Okay.

To? To what? To I'll play Super Mario World. I want to be in that world. Nothing is happy in the Oregon Trail world, even when I'm alive. When I'm alive, I probably want to be dead. That's a miserable existence. You're just in fields of dirt with broken axles,

and you've got to hunt for your food and avoid all bacteria. Whereas in Mario, you don't worry about bacteria. You're literally traveling through sewer pipes, and you're fine with it. But you do have to duck on every single pipe that you find. Yeah. Or your squats. Just in case you can travel through the pipe, but not every pipe you can go through. Oh, that must feel foolish when you're really there. Oh, yeah. And you're like, you've been down, and you don can travel through the pipe but not every pipe you can go through oh that must feel foolish when you're really there oh you're like you've been down and you don't go

down the pipe has anyone ever thought of that no that's super embarrassing poor mario all these goombas are are laughing at him yeah as he tries to go down yet another he tried to go down that pipe and it's really crazy because you feel like from the top of that pipe he could tell you know what i mean like he's up there he can he should be able to recognize this isn't a locked door situation this is why are you squatting you can't go down that pipe why maybe it's 2d when you're there oh right but and then you're also jumping just looking for invisible blocks that may or may not be there you it's mostly a game of looking stupid before you fall down. Now, which just...

I didn't have the question in front of me right the second I was looking up dysentery. Fair enough. Don't look it up for too long. Which version of Mario is this? Super Mario Bros. Oh, the OG? Oh, the OG. That's more unforgiving. This is the original NES one. You also don't get to fly

as a raccoon. Sure. That's unfortunate because that was really what was exciting me about Super Mario World. But I also know that I can beat this game no problem. Can you? Oh, absolutely. Oh, I don't think so. When's the last time you went back?

Super Mario, the OG is pretty challenging. When's the last time you went back? It has been so incredibly long, I have no idea. And I'm sure when I pick it up, I'll die on the first Goomba I see. But I feel like once I get the running and the jumping sensitivity down. The hard part is the final castle. Actually remembering how you beat it. Did you do this recently?

Not recently, but I introduced my kids to it, I don't know, like six years ago or something. And I'm just, you know, it took a little bit to get the rust off. But then I was cruising along being awesome dad at Super Mario. And I get to the last castle and I go, oh, crap. I forgot about that one. This thing is a maze. And I don't remember. Did it come back?

Did it ever come back? I eventually did beat it. Okay, so we're good. Is it a lonely life? Is Mario pretty lonely? Yeah. I mean, because at least if you're heading out from Missouri to Oregon, you've got some people to be with you until they die.

I say at the beginning, you have friends. Right. Is it better to have friends you know you're going to lose in just a couple months? Or never have friends at all. Or never have friends at all. And knowing that. And you've got to be the one who decides. You get up to a river and you're like, how are we going through?

And you say, well, we're going to fjord this thing. I know that Brooksie's not going to make it to the other side, but we're going to go through anyways. Step on his body. Still got to go. We'll tie you to the wagon and hope you get across. Yeah, I'm taking Super Mario. Yeah, I'm going to go with that.

I don't want to live on the Oregon Trail. All right, Josh from Patreon. Would you rather receive a static shock every time you touch something metal or have ringing in your ears every time you're trying to focus have you guys experienced like ringing in your ears as an issue like not like a one second thing but like a tinnitus yeah like for a day no have you no no i i it sounds. I've had ringing in my ears for a moment, and that is pretty crazy when you hear something that's not there. Every time Al says something, I kind of get that sensation.

That you can't hear? No, just like a... Like the Charlie Brown teacher? It's not a ringing, but it's bad. Is it due to his nasally prepubescent voice? Yes. It's me. Oh, boy.

Hey, guys, mute your computers before we record. Guys, mute your computers. Those were all just impressions. That wasn't actual audio from him, but it's very similar. Yeah, it sounds the same. Unnecessary shot right at al uh being shocked that andy you've been experiencing this lately around here i don't know why well i'm i'm thrilled like when i see you get shocked i'm so happy it's pretty funny i blew up a mouse a computer mouse is broke you were gone right i was not here for that i walked in i walked into the office last week i touched my mouse with my pointer finger it shocked the mouse

and destroyed it wow the mouse is broken i had to buy a new mouse i mean i have something's going on around for the last two years around this studio i have shocked myself so many times on every my laptop keyboard has electrified me so many times the shoes i took my shoes off and the next two days i did not get shot makes no sense it doesn't make sense no i know because the your soles are rubber yeah and rubber is uh what is what's the proper terminology owl what's the proper terminology? Owl, what's the proper terminology? Grounded? Non-conductive? Non-conductive.

So if something is non-conductive, how is it building up static electricity? It's not. I mean, it's not. Then how are we getting shocked? No, I think that was just coincidence with the shoes thing. Oh, it's a placebo. A placebo shock disruption?

But something in the air in this studio is electric because now that you're gonna become superheroes oh because that you kind of already are because i'm the guy that can destroy electronics like do you have small portable electronics because i can destroy them right i mean that's not a touch it's not really a hero, but... More of a villain, really. Walking around killing everybody's mice. Come on, man. I was going to use that. It's very not...

The superheroes... Enjoy your trip to Best Buy. The heroes don't even deal with me. They're like, there he is again. The static shocks would become very annoying but i have to go with that one i'd rather have the static shocks than i would something inside my body yeah a hundred percent i mean it's like i hate hate hate being shocked but i can't even fathom if you've got ringing in your ears like i get shocked yikes so what that hurt and then you

move on if you don't say yikes next time if you but this is every time you touch something metal so every time you go in your car you're getting i feel like i get shocked every other time i touch something metal i i have started around here literally i touch every piece of metal with my knuckle first like that's my habit now i go to get the bathroom door and i touch it with the back with my knuckle we install something that just like a lightning rod in the in the office to like take all the electricity l can you walk around with like no i'm not sure if we can like yeah uh like if you held a piece of metal does that does that make it better or worse?

Because you're not... Well, I'm saying... At all times? If you're holding it, you're not actually touching metal for the first time. But if it's not connected to the ground, that won't help, will it? I don't know. How does the world work? How does electricity work?

Al. You're going to have to find out. Walk around here with some metal in your hand I don't think that's the best solution No I feel like that could end up producing more electricity Yeah I think what you got to do is Put a fork in the socket Isn't that the thing

Yeah that's just how you end it Don't do that kids Don't take a piece of cake from a hiker Don't put a fork in a socket Neither of those are real Good things to do uh i'm gonna go formally with the shock mike what's your final answer well the ringing in your ears is every time you're trying to focus also not often for you yeah exactly uh-huh okay hannah from patreon

writes in would you rather encanto edition which of the Encanto superpowers would you rather have? Oh, good question. I am embarrassed enough to say I don't know. You haven't seen Encanto? I'm pretty sure this question does not require anyone to have seen it. No, I've heard it in the background.

But you should be ashamed. I've had it played around me, so the music is familiar, but the plot is not. Superhuman strength. You can grow and create flowers. Anyone who eats or cooking gets healed. Shapeshift into different people. These are all parts of the movie?

They are. Shapeshift into different people. Superhuman hearing. The ability to talk and understand animals. Mood affects the weather. See images of the future but they are typically ominous not that one which i i don't agree with that one you don't agree that they're typically ominous yeah well no it's just you're just you're seeing the future which by nature is

ominous yeah it can be i'm just saying bruno is getting a bad rap here. And we're perpetuating that problem on this podcast. I still think that I can't get with the ability to talk to and understand animals one because it seems cool. But again, you're going back to the fact that these won't be good discussions. These would not be good. Like if they were super hyper intelligent, wellspeaking animals that'd be fun i have but maybe they are because you can actually understand their language yeah but they're not because i have a dog and i know they're not yeah i've got a dog that i've been trying to teach this dog door to i mean it's unbelievable i i i brought these dogs inside through the dog door

and and it's you know it's in a room and the room's door is open and they can't figure out that they're inside the house they cannot i i walk around the house and they leave the dog they cannot figure i'm like you can go inside they know how to use the dog door this isn't like oh they haven't figured that out they walk in and out of the dog door but have no idea that they can use it while they're in the house or that they can get into the rest of the house from the bedroom. I'm like, you're in the house. Too bad you can't tell them.

No. If I could tell them, you know what they would say? They'd say, what's a house? Yes, they would. I've had multiple dogs. I've never had a problem teaching them how to use a dog door. Well what sounds like they got the dog door yeah the dog door is not the problem the problem is where they are superhuman strength strength is great um healing people with your cooking i'm just gonna go with that one then you have to cook you're gonna cook all the time don't

care i am too empathetic when other people are feeling pain it bothers me too much if i could just give them like a and my cooking you know if i could make some mac and cheese real quick and he what's the extent of this because this isn't like fully explained in the movie it seems like it's anything like is it if i if i pop a hot dog in the microwave for 30 seconds that's heal am i healing you're, brother. And the great thing is... Does it wear off quicker? Andy took this. Yeah.

So now we're good. So we got an additional superpower, which is we're always going to be healthy. Oh. Well, I didn't say I had empathy for either of you. Superhumans... I'm not creating and growing flowers. Get out of here.

I can buy them at the florist. I'm good. I don't need to be able to magic some flowers. What about the hearing thing? Superhuman hearing. I feel like that's a superpower, and that's a super curse at the exact same time. Oh, it is a curse. You're hearing a lot of things that you don't want to hear.

Yeah, you're going to hear the other side. You know, you think you're worried about rumors and people talking about you behind your back, but the truth is what the real problem is, you're going to hear everyone's duty, everyone's poop at all times. You're going to be like, I got to leave the house. I'm going to the bathroom again. No, superhuman hearing is out. That's a long toilet mood affecting the weather now let's talk about that because that's a problem too that's a problem for other people well that's not a problem for me but then the weather affects

your mood like i feel like once it starts raining because i'm sad. Oh, it's going to rain harder and harder. I'm never going to get out of my depression. Ooh. So now I just live in Seattle. I mean, the strength is, is that just straight up? Yeah, it's just. You're just stronger. It is. It's superhuman strength.

Yeah. That's useful. It's useful. Oh, very. But I'm taking shape-shifting. Yes. I think that's the best one of it. If I can shape-shift into yes i think that's the best if i can shape shift into other

people you can do anything yeah i mean that that is that is an undervalued superhero trait because yeah i mean you get access to whatever you want whatever you want you want to be the president of the united states mystique is very powerful yes But it does feel like all that you're doing with it is deceiving people. Right. To get what you want. Yeah, yeah. That's all you got to do. But not an Encanto.

Okay, what is this person in Encanto? So off the top of my head. It's all used for good? Yes. Really? Imagine this. Imagine you have the superpower to turn into any person you want. Right. this imagine you have the superpower to turn into any person you want right and what this feller

does is he turns into uh a a mother is holding a crying baby and he shapeshifts into the mother to take the baby oh my goodness so he can soothe the baby so that mom actually gets a break imagine the selflessness of that human could i shapeshift just into a slightly in shape version of myself? Oh, of course. Yeah. Wait. You don't have to work out. Wait.

What are the. I mean, here's the deal. What are the rules? Well, I guess you technically there a version of you that's in shape doesn't exist that you can turn into. Why would you can't look? We've all got our good features. We've all got our bad features.

None of us are sitting here looking like Brad Pitt in his prime. So just look like Brad Pitt in his prime. But that's an adjustment for your children, isn't it? I don't care. This is your daddy now. Hey, kids, look at how handsome your daddy is. I'm definitely taking that. Oh, you need to

reach the top shelf i'm the kimmy matumbo i'm i'm up there i can grab anything this is so practical so uh i am definitely taking shape-shifting oh my gosh okay yeah i i like that one and i'll just the other ones are not that great. You don't want the flower one? No. I disagree on the talking and understanding animals. I think that if you could actually speak their language, you'd find out that there's a lot of really intelligent animals out there.

Well, I feel like that's one that would be very interesting for a little while. But then after that period of... I'd be worried that it wasn't valuable anymore i don't know the animal kingdom is entirely on your side maybe just because you can talk to someone doesn't mean they're on your side yeah but you can be like you can't just be like ants if you don't do what i say i'm gonna step on you okay that's fair you can become the ants dictator dictator. The insect king? Yes. Just walk around with this spray, and you're literally telling these poor things, I'm going to murder you if you don't do my bidding. Genius, Andy.

Yes, yes. How much worse would you feel? Like, if you could talk to these animals, we'll include insects in there. I have a family. Would you get rid of your pest control now? No. You'd have to. Oh, yeah, because you can just tell them to get out.

You could threaten them. Oh, I guess the threats could, but I'm just saying, now there's more emotion to killing insects. Would you possibly like spiders? Because you could actually... Shut up. No.

Or maybe you find out that ants really are just big-time jerks oh and you're like hey hey ants this is my house look you have an entire world you could be out there they're like no screw this guy we'd like your sugar please and then i'd say eat this Shh. There's more of us. Stupid. Yeah, very stupid. Let's move on. That's a great question.

Trevor from the website writes in with a great question who could eat a hot dog and bun then run a hundred yard dash in a quicker combined time joey chestnut or usain bolt oh okay i was at first i thought this was like a who can eat and run and the digestion's okay, but this is talking about the time it takes you to eat a hot dog. And bun. And the bun, and the time it takes you to run a 100-yard dash. So I am curious, can we find out what Joey Chestnut? I'm working on some math right now. You're saying Bolt's under 10 seconds for the 100-yard dash, right? Okay, so the Joey Chestnut, at least the whatever, top of Google,

this may not be correct, but we have 76 hot dogs. So in 10 minutes, he ate 76 hot dogs. So that's 12 seconds. Every 12 seconds? Every 12 seconds, he's eating a hot dog. 12 seconds? That's a lot. I mean, the whole 100-yard dash for Usain Bolt is under 10.

Well, no, no, no. It's 9.58. But you're comparing that to, like, how long would it take you to eat a whole hot dog? If I had to eat one hot dog, it would take me more than 12 seconds. Would it take you more than 30 seconds? And that's just his average. I was going to say, I bet if he's just doing one hot dog, he can do it faster than

12 seconds. Yeah, I think he wins the race. I think Joey Chestnut wins the race. I think that goes down to like 7 to 8 seconds because he's willing. I mean, it's going to take me 20 to 30 seconds to eat a hot dog. He's willing to do the bun dunk, which I don't know

that i'd bun dunk you'd really you'd go you'd go you'd soak the bun in the water no problem with the bun dunk oh it sounds like one of the worst things oh i do i do soggy bread you know i do the soggy bread yeah that's disgusting i dip peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the milk all the time oh it's delicious disgusting but that's like that's got the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into milk all the time. It's delicious. Disgusting. But that's got the peanut butter and the jelly. That's not just- No, peanut butter sandwiches into milk. Okay, but there's still more ingredients.

It's still moist bread. It's not just a bun into water, though. It doesn't bother me. There's a dog in the bun. No, no, no, no. For the hot dog? No, you separate them. Oh, for real?

Is that what they do? Am I right about that? I thought that the technique was you do the... I think he separates them. I think you go dog or bun into the water, down it, and then you house the hot dog. And he looks like a seal for part of it, right? You throw the head back? Yeah, it's... I don't know.

It's not pretty watching this man work. He wins the race, though. 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Oh, you're right. You're right, Mike. It's you dunk and then dog? Oh, my goodness. Oh, this is not. This is not.

Children, do not watch. Do not watch Joey Chestnut eating 71 hot dogs. Is the gap between Joey Chestnut and Usain Bolt 100 100 yards greater than the gap between usain bolt and joey chestnut eating a hot dog and i imagine 100 yards yes to continue that sorry to just 100 yards for like average dad it's probably double this time so 20 seconds so the average man jogs at a speed of 8.3 miles per hour or 100 meters in 27 seconds. That's jogging. So you're saying, let's say he could do it in 22 seconds.

20 seconds. Yeah, Joey Chestnut's beating Usain Bolt. Yes. Is he really? Yeah, I don't. Unless Usain Bolt can eat a hot dog better than I think. I just watched Joey Chestnut eat guy hot dog better than i think i just watched joey chestnut eat a hot dog that is inhuman daniel from patreon would jason be willing to eat a whole

sweet potato every day for the rest of his life to get rid of spiders oh yes would i a whole yeah absolutely absolutely i. This is the sacrifice for humanity. So I was going to say, spiders, because of steps you've taken in your life as a man, they don't really impact you significantly on a day-to-day basis. Correct. Except for the fear. So you really would be getting rid of them for others. I would, no.

No, not at all. This would be purely selfish. just to know that they're not out there but yeah i mean i'm still afraid of like for instance we talked about going on a hike if it was under 55 degrees um i'm afraid to go on a hike not because of running into snakes that could kill me but because of finding a tarantula out in the mountains that would kill me via heart attack. But would be harmless otherwise. Correct.

Now, how many times on an average year do you do a hike of some kind? On average? Yeah. How many of the last few years? Per year. You can do whatever you want. A quarter. A quarter? A quarter of a year. You can do whatever you want. Quarter. Quarter?

Quarter of a... Oh, a quarter of one. So 0.25? So one per four years? One, well, yes. One per leap year. That's how I look at it. I think one per leap year is about...

How many hikes have you gone on in your almost 40 years? 10? 10? And then how many in the last... Math checks out. All right. We had a spider thing in our house this morning. Oh, awful.

Don't tell me about it. My son reacted just... It was in the tub. Oh, it was in the tub. But it was a... It was the itsy bitsy. It was bigging. It was a bigging.

Oh. It was a daddy long leg. Did you send him back down the... Oh, don't get bit. Very poisonous. Did you send him back down the, Oh, don't get bit. Very poisonous. Um, did you send him back down the water spout? Nope. Oh, this is a smush.

This is the fastest smush. He freaked out. He was, see, he was in the middle of a number twosie. In the tub? No. Teach your boy some manners. He was on the adjacent toilet and, uh,business and then saw it and felt very helpless. But the spider's in the tub.

The spider's in the tub. My son is on the toilet. The spider cannot get out of the tub. No. But it was... Wait, a spider can't get out of a tub? No. Yes, it can.

Well, how'd it get in the tub? The spout. Or a spider can jump in, but they're not climbing out the porcelain. Oh, spiders can do anything. No. They do have wings. Anyways, yeah, it was a quick squish, but he did not recover for a while. I don't blame him.

Actually, I brought it in. Here it is. Do daddy long legs get you? I mean, not quite the same. When he said it was a big one, I started freaking out. He said it was daddy long legs. I'm like not not quite the same like when he said it was a big and i started freaking out he said his daddy long legs i'm like okay that's better it's really they walk awkwardly the the furrier hairier versions yeah okay those so you guys you guys think for sure that the spider can climb out of yeah the slippery porcelain. I do. I do not.

Okay. I would Google it, but I cannot Google something with that word. Are you willing to put this to the test? Yeah, the spiders don't bother me. But when you put a spider in a Tupperware, it can't climb out. No. No. Same type of a thing. The tub's got a little bit of...

There's a better grade on that, isn't there? A little bit more friendly grade? Spiders hang out on walls. That's fair. Fair point. Walls aren't made of porcelain. Walls have texture. Porcelain's probably easier to climb than a plastic cup.

I don't know. I think it's about the same. Is there water on it already? No. No water. Dry porcelain? Yeah. Someone should be able to Google this and find find out just not me um all right we'll

move on that's fine jason you're willing to save the world or yourself with a sweet potato yeah i will now love i will i will hide that thing i will hide sweet potatoes in something more delicious that'll be your no you have to eat it plain i Just a sweet potato by itself. My quick Google says most tubs and sinks are coated with porcelain, which spiders can't grab with their legs. They also have a difficult time climbing smooth glass. So if you catch a spider and you need to keep it someplace, toss it on in the tub. Because they're climbing up with very fine hairs, right?

I can see that. So the hair has nothing to grab onto. So if it's a perfectly clean tub. I need to build a glass house. Just don't throw stones. Yo, you beat me to it. This isn't your podcast. Ryan from Twitter.

Yes, it is. If every minute one person in the world turned into a duck, how long would it take for the world to take notice? Oh. What? Every minute one person in the world turns into a duck. Every minute one person turns.

And it's at random. So 60 people an hour turn into ducks at random in the world. And there's what? Seven, eight billion people? Yeah. It's not spreading geographically like a virus. This would be one random person i mean that's a long time let me let me do the math per year here though okay so you've got what 60 people per hour times 24 hours in a day times 365 days in a year that's about 525 000 people are turning into a ducks per into a duck per year

well obviously it's before that it's gonna be before that it is before that oh if half a million people turned into a duck i think people would take well let's but but it happens progressively hold on a second here uh if you take that and you're looking at the population of the world right yeah which is what about seven billion people let's just call it seven that's only point zero zero zero zero zero seven one percent of the people on earth because here i don't think i did that math right no i don't think you did either here's the thing i might have put trillion in there not bill is part of the equation. You do it. Is you're going to have like areas of the world where a camera is not readily available. Right?

Because I feel like documentation of this is going to be crucial. And then getting that documentation onto the internet. That's fair. So that other people can be exposed to it. And it's going to take many of these things before people actually believe the video was real. People are going to think their friends and family are missing before they believe that the duck population has increased.

Yeah, that's true. Also your math was right. This is, this is 0.007%. A half a million people is very, let them duck unnoticeable but you're you're right you're gonna have some people it'll be a missing person alert 100 you're gonna have some

people that are saying i watched my friend turn into a duck yes and ain't no one believing it's going in the uh do they have those magazines anymore like the national uh inquirer yeah they're still around i was just thinking of duck magazines. I was like, what are you talking about? No, I'm talking about the tabloids. Oh, yeah, it'll be in there first. Do they still have those? Yeah, they do.

Oh, 100%. That sells. But are they... Is it just celebrity stuff now, or is it still Bat Boy stuff? I think you get it all. If there's a dollar to be made, Mike. So maybe it takes more than a half a million people no i think i think by then you got it i think that you you're you know that they're ducks though yeah well and you're gonna

have now you have all these places where yes my uh my uncle disappeared but also i have this one duck who will not go away i'm not giving him bread but he keeps showing up coming to my birthday party um he's spelling things out with the crackers no just jumps on a seat sitting there wow yeah okay i do i do think i think it's probably before that for me probably before that a couple hundred thousand ducks and you got an issue i think six months is where you're going to have it start to take hold but people still reject that truth people will reject it no i know i know that i know that but i think it will be between this so i'm saying i'm saying eight months i'm opening this can you want to hear this let's go let's open this can up let's say this is the state of the

world from here on out. All right. Okay. And we all become aware. 500,000 people have become ducks, and now we're all aware that every minute somebody on Earth becomes a duck for the rest of our natural lives. How much will you fear becoming a duck? I think you'll fear it a lot when you first learn and then after about 10 days you're gonna forget about it because there's nothing you can do there's no cure for that i

know of to stop you from turning into your in any given minute you have to be the one person on earth that becomes a duck and if you knew that, like to say you drop dead every minute. One person on earth drops dead every minute. You're probably not thinking, well, I'm going to be the one of the 8 billion in this minute. How big are people's circle? How big are the ducks? No, no, no, no. I think they're regular sized.

Okay. Look, if they're human sized ducks, the world is going to notice a lot faster than if they're regular sized. About 10 minutes. Yeah. But like your circle of people. Everyone will know someone who turned into a duck? Like how big is it really? Is it like 40 people?

That you're kind of, yeah, 40, 50 people. So what are the odds in a year oh no very low that you know anyone who actually turned into a very low very low you'll be talking you'll be hearing about the one guy in the city that turned into a duck they're like oh this we finally had one in phoenix we had a duck man so hold on so how long would it take for the entire global population? This is a Jason question. To turn into a duck. All right.

I mean, that's $8 billion divided by. And you got to account for inflation of people. It's how many minutes. It's easy. Okay. It's $8 billion times. Because there's still more people being made. Well, $8 billion is a good number because it's a little less than that right now. It's 8 billion times... Because there's still more people being made.

8 billion is a good number because it's a little less than that right now, right? So I think that's good. So you'd go 8 billion divided by... Well, everyone's a minute. It's 8 billion minutes. Okay. It's 8 billion minutes. It's one a minute.

Okay. I'm not crazy here, right? No, it's 8 billion minutes. I was imagining... So then do 8 billion- If the Rent song was 8 billion. 8 billion. So 8 billion divided by 60. Yeah, that's how many hours.

That's how many hours. So- Divided by- Divided by 24. Yeah, divided by 24. So it would take 5 million- Days? Days.

Yeah, I was going to say it'd be a long time. 365 days. Yeah, it'd be a long time. It would take 15,000 years to turn this globe into ducks. That's the kind of math that would make me not fear becoming a duck. Exactly. I mean, you've got a better chance of just dying in a car accident than being the one that turns into a duck. For reference, the current death rate in the world is about 120 people a minute. Oh! Dude, I'm beating this duck thing also i mean if the worst thing that happens is you're you're now a duck wait a minute that's not it's not the the worst now that we've done this math how do we know that this isn't already

happening oh no i mean how would we possibly know none of us know somebody that died today and 120 people die every minute yeah exactly how do we know that this question isn't coming from someone is this where ducks come from this is where ducks come from oh my goodness people are turning into ducks at a rate that does not matter do you forget that you were a person then and you're just now a duck? Absolutely. You got a duck brain. I mean, you...

They're very small. They're very small. Oh, my gosh. We've established animals are stupid. This is where quacks come from, right? Yes. Oh, my gosh. Well, let's...

Let's move on to the draft. The Spitballers draft well that was the highest level oh yeah stupidest conversation that this show has ever had it was very it was helpful to me it gave you a new perspective on life yeah i mean 120 people are dropping dead every minute just get out there and live man yeah duck or not everyone's here i mean it would take 15 000 years but that's for the world to die if everyone died once a minute that's crazy and if no more humans were yeah right in existence yeah that 15 000 years i mean with the birth rates it would it would never happen yeah you would never you need more people turning into ducks never completely never completely duck. No. All right. You would never go full duck.

Yeah. All right. Okay. So I have the first pick. We're drafting activities for a perfect day. Now, this one is kind of like, I don't feel like I'm privileged to have the number one pick in this draft at all. Because there are a million subjective ideas of what a perfect day is. I will say this.

There was one thing. I know what it is. Okay. I know what you'll get and you'll get it okay because i'm not drafting things for jason's perfect day i don't want your perfect day so uh well now i got a couple ideas for you but um i'm actually going to go with i'm'm going to go with go to the beach. Okay. I'm going to put that at the top of my list. I think it's the most likely one to get stolen by my two cohorts here. Sure. So I'm going to the beach.

I do have chillax on the beach on my list. All right. So, Mike, it is up to you. Let's have a perfect day. Go to the beach is... It should be at the top of everyone Let's have a perfect day. Go to the beach is it should be at the top of everyone's list for a perfect day. You should really live by a beach.

Based on this. Say if it's not, that means you've never been to the beach. You should check it out. Look into it. All right. So I will start my day. Oh, what will Jason take?

Because the difficult part about this. I'm going to write the two things i think jason will put on part of this draft is i know i have a lot of things that don't match jason but i'm sure i have a couple that match what he wants but okay well i can't get wrapped up in that and i am going to have a part of my day devoted to, I don't even know the right verbiage for it, but just really not participating in the day because I am going to take a nap. Oh, that's my number one. That's the 101. It's funny that you're perfect. See, I would actually argue against the nap for a perfect day. Oh, no way.

I've got nods from Al because you are not conscious. Correct. No, no, no. I'm in a better place. No day is perfect without a nap. If I'm going to say, what's my perfect day? You got four picks. I'm going to be busy. I'm going to do all this good stuff. And one of them is to not be there. And the best one

is to not be there. I hope you guys add having surgery with anesthesia on your list of perfect day activities. Because after you go to the beach, I know we're playing the perfect day. You go to the beach,

you are exhausted. The sun takes it out of you, Mike. You need a nap. That sounds good. I'll argue against it with one more principle here. Let's say you know that tomorrow is the day you turn into a duck. Then I'm not taking a nap, but this is the perfect day. Okay, so it's not the same as your last day on Earth.

I can tell you the perfect day does not include knowing I'm dying tomorrow. That's not part of my perfect day. Changes the equation. All right, so last day, perfect day, two different things. Jason, you got two picks. Yeah, last day on earth, I'm not taking a nap. I'll just start early. I've always wanted to die in my sleep.

All right. Two picks. I've written them both down already. Well, a nap was definitely one of them. That was not what you... No. Okay. I'm going to start with a massage.

Okay, because that's what you wrote down first. Massage is on my list. It's the number one on my list here for Jason. And it's Swedish, hot stones, bamboo, whatever. Look. What's a bamboo massage? They take a bamboo. Oh, I don't need to know.

And they roll bamboo shoots in the end. It's great. Into you? Yes. Oh, no. Oh, no. roll like really shoots in the end it's great into you yes oh no oh no you ever seen them make a pizza i go with the dough they thin it out yeah they're thinning me out all right it's an italian massage not not a Swedish. All right, so I'm wanting a nap. I got a massage. That's great.

I'm going to go with something that I tend to... I love doing this, and I never get to do this because I got too many responsibilities. I'm a dad. We've got a business. We've got busy lives, and I feel a little too You know, we've got a business. We've just got busy lives. And I feel a little too selfish when I do this. So when it is my birthday week and I get to do whatever I want for, you know, seven days,

I always find one of these and I binge it. Oh, wow. And I am going to take binging a video game. I love just like I just don't get to do it as often. And my perfect day, I'm going to have a couple hours just in a video game that's a good time for me all right can't wait to see what the second thing you wrote down was yeah i've it's we'll see mike it's back to you uh jason massage video games you you have taken a nap i'm on the beach well i haven't taken the nap yet the placement of the nap in the day is the afternoon uh and i will probably take the nap have you ever taken a nap on the beach

oh yeah that's great oh yeah unfortunately he does not have permission to do that in this draft that's true um so he has to do it on the boardwalk i will allow you to sleep on the boardwalk. That's called a homeless person. Yes. But I want to get out there, enjoy nature, enjoy some time with my friends, and I'll take the nap after this because the sun takes it out of you when you're doing this. But I'm going to go golfing. Oh, that's part of your perfect day. It is. And how many times has that been part of your perfect day in the last 10 years? Not nearly enough.

Interesting. Because of what Jason's talking about. That's a hike with a purpose. To go do, right. You get some exercise. You get to drive around a golf course. I guess the cart takes that. It's really sweet.

But a full 18 holes of golf, that's like, at least for me, I'm not good. It's a few hours. It's half the day. It's like three to four hours. Oh, that sounds good. Which is half of my day. When you account for nap time. Have you ever Tokyo drifted in a golf cart on a golf course?

I have not. Oh, dude, you got to try it. Grass is very forgiving. You ever rolled a golf cart before? I have not rolled one, but i am shocked that i haven't really i haven't gone golfing that many times but when i do it's half golfing half like go-karting yes that's what that's what about the thing about golf is it's not just hitting the ball there are so many factors and that are delightful all right my next pick after mike took golfing

which is that's a good pick i hadn't thought about that. That would be fun. Social. Competitive. Yep. You get the exercise. Covers a lot of things. You see nature. Yep.

I should golf more. I'm going to go eat ice cream. Eating ice cream. Simple. It may seem like a very routine part of somebody's day, and it's a routine part of mine. No perfect day is absent of a smorgasbord of ice cream. Um, bringing, bringing the nap to maybe a more important level in my day. There you go. So I, I'm going to the beach, I'm bringing some ice cream and I'm eating it quick

on the beach. Uh, and then I've got to do something else here on my perfect day. So, um, And then I've got to do something else here on my perfect day. So I'm just going to be a sentimental fella. Oh. And I'm going to cuddle my kids. Oh, that's nice. Very few things in my life give me more, like, in the moment happiness. Because you're not thinking about nothing else else you're just giving your kid a hug

and as a dad i'm thinking about when this is over get out of here oh i love i love a good cuddle with the little kids okay okay i like it i like it all right mike back to you that's not so i've got golf uh i'm gonna to take a nap. So things were a little bit out of order here. I wasn't sure if Andy would take this one or not. And even though it is part of my perfect day, it's very often how I start the day anyways, because you've got to get it off right. Coffee on the porch, my man.

Oh, yeah. Coffee on the back porch. Simple. The light of a sunrise, which as I've become an old man and actually can tell a difference in the light. I love how you're changing, Mike. I've always been the old man, but you have just really embraced these parts of your life.

But sunrise light where it's like extra golden, it hits differently. You do not sound like you used to sound. The birds are out there. They're just tweeting away. The air is crisp. It's not hot yet. Hey, let me tell you something.

Oh, it's great. I got a rocking chair with your name on it, buddy. I got a rocking chair with your name on it. All right, so I love it. I love it. Coffee on the porch. All right. are you alone oh you know my there are not two rocking chairs on this porch i talked about how i can hear the

birds i'm implying there's no one talking to me oh yes i love it this is me time oh perfect day is me time. All right, Jason, you're playing video games. You've got a massage. Okay, I've got the massage. I went out of order of my own list. I saw the binge video game. I was like, hmm.

Somebody might take it. Yeah, it may not have been. So I'm going to go with the order of my list, which I'm realizing now, like classic Jason, you wrote down massage. I think this is probably the second thing you wrote down. I don't know. But ain't no perfect day complete without a fancy steak dinner. To me, I want to go to a nice restaurant like, you know, get wine.

Was that it? Was that it? I just went with massage and then there's food. Yes, exactly. 100%. Fancy food. Beautiful food. Wonderful.

All you can eat. Super nice Wagyu Manhattan Flake. I couldn't decide between eating ice cream or a nice meal. Thank you for leaving us. And I didn't want to go back-to-back on food. So that's a great pick, and you have your final one. Oh, I'm up. Well, well, well. I'm not going to take this one.

Who are you talking to talking to you guys be cold is on my list that sounds nice be cold have you ever been cold it's been a while last January I was in New York

you're cold for a minute yeah so one more okay this is this is this is this is a cheat code oh but it's my classic jason exactly classic jason so i've had a great day i've took it i've taken a nap you have not taken a nap whoa oh that's right i didn't get the thank you you might have fallen asleep on the massage table. Yes, exactly. I got a massage. It is not saying she's dinner. But Jason's there not.

He's waking you up right when you start drifting in the massage. A nice dinner, and I've binged my video game. Everything's great. You're really tired, though. Oh, I am super exhausted. But you know what's going to make that okay? You know what's going to give me a bunch of energy? Winning the Powerball. That's my perfect day baby. Give me a big old win. I mean you're telling

me that's not the perfect cap to a perfect day. These two guys are just their heads are their heads because they're like what a that's a real fart face. It's a... That's a real fart face pic. It's a real Jason Capper. Yeah. A real exclamation. That's my perfect day. Oh, my gosh. You have found the... Haven't had my perfect day yet, but it's coming.

Okay. I mean, it's in line with my pic, which is go to the moon. Oh, Mike, you have your final pick. Alright, so my final pick Learning to fly. You. I feel like when Jason preps for drafts, he thinks of all the real answers and then

he thinks to himself, how can I outwit this one draft with one question? You're not wrong. My whole list, I've got like 15 things on it. And then at the very end, I was like, oh, dude, we can win the Powerball. I'm just giving you buy a Powerball ticket. What? That's not a perfect day.

That's an awful day. That is a complete awful day. Oh, my gosh. You're letting him keep it? Whatever, man. Sure. Whatever. Winning the Powerball. All right. We're going to move the show along. Mike, you get letting him keep it? Whatever, man. Sure. Whatever. Winning the Powerball.

All right. We got to move the show along. Mike, you get to close it out. All right. I'm really torn between two things here. But Andy already has the sentimental pick, so I'm just going to stay with selfish Mike. I will go with the anticipated movie the end oh so you're going

to a movie you're looking forward to that like you've like for months you've like it's not i'm not just like the star wars hype or something yes like the new avengers movie is coming out and i've been waiting literally over a year for this movie and i finally get to go see it and i like a big deal movie. Absolutely. Those are, those are awesome. Okay.

Yeah. Going to, that's why I thought you were going to pick with your last one before you went with winning the power ball. I also, for the record, I wrote three words down to just three words for you. The first one was massage.

The second one was food. And the third one was cruise. Cause I just figured that's on my list. I just figured a cruise might make its way um my final pick guys you know i like ice cream yeah but you've already got it and you're doubling down no frozen yogurt i'm at the beach i said the cuddle with the kids but if you know me you know i'm a competitive fellow. So beating my friends at a sport is my final part of a perfect day. That's a good one. It might be pickleball, basketball, foosball, ping pong. It could be golf, but I want to beat.

It's important to me that I beat my friends. It's not a perfect day if you're losing. No. No way. I need to be able to talk trash at the end of this thing. Understandable. Or not talk trash because they're so defeated inside. That is a great pick.

So that's my final pick here on a perfect day. Not bad. No Powerball. No learning to fly. No finding a magic carpet under my bed. But that's it. So, Mike, you have a nap, some golf after you had a sunrise coffee on the porch, and then you cap the night off.

Oh, so let me put your day in order. You have the coffee. You play some golf. That's right. Then you come home, take a nap. Then you go to the movie. Oh, man. That's a great day.

That's a good day. That's a great day. You're not super wealthy. Let me try to put your day in order. Okay, put mine in order. I'm guessing that you are starting the day off winning the lottery. I know you said it was the end of the day. Hey, sure.

But I think you're kicking it off. Let's go. So you win the lottery when you wake up. Hooray. I might as well go get a massage. Oh, it's going to be an expensive massage. And then you go play some video games and go out to your dinner. Oh, that sounds great.

And I've got the beach, the ice cream, cuddle with the kids to finish the day. And then that's after I beat my friends at a sport. So I'm going to be real rough on you guys, whoop you up. Yep, that's fair. Cuddle with your kids, tell them what a winner you are. That's right. That's right. All right, that is it.

What is it? Do you have your perfect day, Al? Yeah, there's some overlap, but I would wake up on a cruise ship. Okay. I would go snorkeling with my family. I would get a massage, tuck my kid in, and hit the casino. Oh, so like the opposite of winning Powerball. So basically what I just did all week, baby.

But hitting the casino is the opposite of winning the Powerball. Yeah, I'm going to donate money. It's going to be fun. All right. That was a pretty good draft. Did you have any extra ones you were looking to pick? I threw kayaking on there. I like that quite a bit.

Really? Yeah. What? It's the nature thing. Did you know this? Kayaking? I've only done it a handful of times, but it was in beautiful places. I didn't realize it was that high up for you. That's cool. I've got sleep in and breakfast in bed left over, but your nap kind of took that away.

Yeah, and my only leftover, which I was torn between the two picks, is the going to your kids either performance or sports. Yeah, but similar to Andy's where they've got to win. Oh, that's a good one. Like when they do something great, so awesome to be there. All right. What did we learn today? I learned that all ducks were once human beings on this earth. And we've never noticed.

We've never noticed and we never will. I learned, I think definitively, I mean this is episode 188, that Jason will try to hack a draft if he can. Mm-hmm. And I think we've confirmed spiders cannot climb out of the tub. Yeah, I think you proved your point there. You're a very smart man. I'm a spiderologist.

That's what they call them. I no longer like you. That is it for the Spitballers podcast. Tell your friends about the show. Leave us a review. We appreciate you. That is it for the Spitballers podcast. Tell your friends about the show. Leave us a review. We appreciate you. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast.

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