Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Dusty Cabinets & Song Titles To Describe A Bad Date - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

Spit Hit for January 18th, 2024: On today’s episode, we discuss shooting free-throws without fingers, air horn beckoning, and an air-quotes comeback. We also discuss living with a neat freak and stomach bugs. We end the show with a draft of real song titles that could describe a bad date. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-ting, ting, a-walla-walla, bing-a-dee-bing-bang! Okay. All right. Welcome in, everybody. I accept.

Yeah? You're okay with that? Yeah, I am okay with that because the extra walla-walla. Is it too clean? It was very clean. I liked it, but it was... You made the timing work at the end Walla Walla. Is it too clean? It was very clean. I liked it, but it was you made the timing work at the end. Al loves it. Yeah, y'all are tough

critics. That was a good scat. Thank you. We are tough critics. The standard we set on the Spitballer podcast is extremely high. We can't help it that your bar is in the basement. He's trying to remind you that

he's got a scat coming up here soon he doesn't want a tough critic for that scat i see not soon enough and i just took one of his greatest hits out of the out of the running he just scratched it well he scratched up there there goes ting walla walla bing bing bing is off yeah welcome in one and all andy mike and jason back with you the spitballers podcast would you rather that's a great question and then what should be a very entertaining draft we are drafting song titles that can describe a bad day so that'll be fun i i have a feeling that there will be some surprises and um it will be very entertaining. But thank you for joining us.

Thank you for telling your friends, your family about the show. They love it. Honestly, it's the least you could do. I think that is the least you could do. Some people think, well, I could do less. I could not tell my friends and family. Right.

But you can't. Not in exchange for what you're receiving. Right. Did you hear the scat? Bing, bang. I believe it was a ting tang it was a ting tang walla walla and then some other words yeah i mean we because we don't infringe on any on ip out there no no but no thanks for telling your friends and family uh for following

the show on apple podcasts and spotify and wherever you're listening and let's get it going would you rather all right ethan from twitter jason very important question would you rather use air quotes when you say your name or use air quotes when you say other people's names oh man jason yeah i mean look one of these you look like a buffoon one of them yes because the other you look rude if you're saying it about yourself and you're like oh yeah i'm jason right you know well this is me you just look so stupid to be fair though you don't have to say it in that voice or with that facial expression you say nice to meet you my name is mike for those of you watching he did that very casually you don't have to lean in you can just always have to do the air quotes and then i feel like i don't say my own name that much so i think i'm going that route it's just an introduction to people and people will go

they'll do a double take huh and they will they will just move on they will never ask a follow-up no one will ever call you out for it when you said that to me as you did with with a normal straight lace this is just my name is mike and you threw up those air quotes my brain immediately went i have a lot of questions i'm gonna ask none of them so i i think you actually might have found the loophole to this if you just say hey my name's jason yeah the people will now that you see it right if you if you see it it's so casual you've never you don't realize that you've never seen someone do air quotes without the air quotes voice right Right. Because you add the sarcasm to it. Yeah.

It's, it's really weird to say things that have air quotes without. Welcome into the spit ballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. It's just stupid. I think we're onto something because air quotes have, they've kind of, you know,

played their way through. They were when, when they were brought into the world of sarcasm and comedy, very funny. We're just a little bit past those. And I think this is a way we can, if you want to revive air quotes, this is the way to do it. This is how you do it. Air quotes one time. Yeah, see, it works.

Air quotes one time will get passed over. Air quotes two times is a problem. And if you are introducing yourself to a group of people, you only have to do it once for yourself, but you'd have to do it for every one of their names if you called them by name. This is Andy, Jeremy, and Mike. Yeah. And then questions do get brought up. Okay.

We broke this question. I thought for sure that this was going to be rude when you say it about other people, but I will never say it about other people. I will casually mention my name, throw up air quotes, and no one will ask a follow-up question. The best part will be when you're in court and you're testifying on the stand and the judge

goes, please state your name. And you go, Andy. There is your name, Andy. No, it totally is andy you will get follow-up questions if you're in indeed in a courtroom sir i remind you you are under oath i know i'm jason oh this is bad audio but yes go to youtube you can see it it's do it around the house youtube.com has anyone ever done that on the stand? Just not with their name, but just like at any point.

Oh, that'd be great if you were just like, I absolutely did not kill them. Yeah. What does the stenographer do? Do they have to like, do they have to actually notate them? He sarcastically put it up. He said it's serious, but he threw air quotes up. Just a quick correction. It's YouTube.com slash Spitballers.

Oh, even better. Spitballers pod will not work for you. Okay. Don't go there. Thanks, Al. You're welcome. Al, if that is your real name. The Schmidler family on Patreon said,

would you rather live the rest of your life with someone who is extremely OCD about tidiness and cleanliness or someone who doesn't pick up after themselves i mean i have a quick answer on this one i but i want to tease it out because i don't know if i'm thinking of this the wrong way well you you are i think a tidy person by nature more tidy than uh than slob slobly slobly is yeah yes as as the proper word is i do uh i guess i'm a more tidy person yeah i mean but i guess the ocd could reflect it could reflect negatively like if you you know that person might be all over you to keep things the way that they like it they definitely will be like if i think what we're just trying to say is someone who is very passionate about the cleanliness of their space. My mother used to be a little bit OCD about tidiness, and we would use this against her.

It was very normal and common for my sister, myself, and my mother to be out to dinner. my sister, myself, and my mother to be out to dinner. And any time, any moment that she would look away, she'd look at a TV, she'd look at the waiter or waitress, we would put a little mess on the table. We'd sprinkle some salt. We'd throw a little piece of garbage on the table. You would torture her is what you're saying. But it was not just your own space.

It was just any space just on the table we we would we would make a little mess but he's saying like like she was ocd about tightening us at another place yes yes anywhere so it was like we she would have to clean up the mess and she at first she wouldn't even know what she's doing you know what i mean she comes back and she just cleans off the table wipes it up and then you know two minutes later there's a there's a mess there again and then two minutes later and then eventually she catches on she's like stop it stop doing this and we would never ever stop doing it i mean it was the other one is just a lot of fun the other one is like um i don't know you start you start tiptoeing down the hoarder's train you know

where like you've seen those houses if you never clean up after yourself there is a battle of wills that happens because you try to be the person that does and then the other person doesn't and maybe there's some resentment and this this can go you're climbing over people's clothes or they're you know the counters are dirty yeah i, look, I lived at one point in college in a house that was rented with seven dudes. Oh, man. Those seven dudes were seven messy, nasty dudes. Now, are you counting yourself in there? Oh, yeah.

Okay, I just want to make sure. No, absolutely. You sound like you're blasting your roommates. No, I'm blasting everyone who lived at that house of which I was one. And that place got... Wait, hold on. How many rooms? I think there were like four bedrooms.

Okay. Something like that. So how much floor in the bedroom? Two dogs. Okay. Yeah. In the room, how much floor could you actually see? Well, it depended on-

Surface area of clothes to carpet. Did you have to do different walking styles? Oh, for sure. Yes. There was not casual walking. There was no as the crow flies to get to where you needed to go? No way. Like the Indiana Jones trying to spell out Jehovah. Absolutely. Don't make a mistake. you're like way like the indiana jones trying to spell out jehovah

and then absolutely don't make a jumping over things oh i mean that you know i'm i i'm sure there was feces on the ground i mean it was a disaster when ocd tidy side when we moved out i can only imagine they burned that place to the ground i mean there was no clean it it's the only way like we gotta we've gotta we need to rent this house out again so tear it down build it uh back up i you gotta be on the ocd tidiness side i mean if you're going to extremes here if you're going to extremes one of them is a health hazard one is a health benefit yeah i mean you might get yelled at a little bit like pick up after yourself you know whatever but like you should also pick up after yourself that's right that's good advice my uh my wife is she likes it tidy and she likes you to clean up after yourself but she's really she's not

like crazy about it you know she's understanding but my favorite moments are the ones where i'm actively using an item she doesn't realize i'm actively using and i it's like if you pull out the smoothie container then i walk to the fridge to get the milk and when i walk back the smoothie container is already gone impressive and i'm like i am actually making a smoothie give me five please. I've never been able to hang a picture. The hammer always gets put back. The hammer is gone. But yeah, I think we agree on that one as well. Alright, Skip Stone from the website

says, would you rather be the first person in your house to get the stomach bug or the last? I don't like this question. So it goes through the whole home. It's going through the whole home hmm if you're the first then you are babied the most

yes you're also immune while the rest of it happens and the you're not looking at the time bomb so to speak when you are when you aren't the first and you see it happening, you go, because you have to take care of people in your household, your spouse, your children.

I'm getting shit to my stomach thinking about this question. Sure. So I will go first. Because if it's in the house and you're going to have to get it anyways, you may as well be the person who has the fewer responsibilities over the course of the bug. There's hope to being the last, right? Like, you think you're going to get through it and you think it's not going to hit you. And if this question was more like, you have a 25% chance of not getting it if you are the last.

I like that. Is that worth the chance? 25%? I'll take those odds. You give me 10% chance, I will still take it. I'm not there. You just want to knock it out. But you don't live in fear of getting it.

So why not take the 25%? Well, because one of these has to be the caretaker. And one of these is the cared for. You'll be taken care of at the end. No, you aren't. Whoever's last to get it, the whole house is done with caring about it. By the time the last person gets it, they're just locked in a room.

Fin for yourself. Ooh, there's a chance they could say something like, it wasn't that bad. Right, yeah. And then you don't get the pity you want. Oh, no. There's no pity for the last one so you haven't changed on your need for pity during sickness no in your 40 years not at all i i i like to be cared for when i'm sick i'm and if i'm last i'm not cared for mike

are you a uh need to be uh no care of guy you want to be locked in your own room alone uh guy yeah yeah yeah mostly i try to do you request a bell to ring to get some help or most definitely mine's more of like a uh an air horn oh i think like you got the you got the two stories you got to make sure that the people do the air horn and it's followed by you puking yeah I still one of my worst memories of my life was a stomach bug that went through a house because we did a trip

I was a teenager I'd never been anywhere outside of Arizona pretty much and our friend group went to Chicago oh no and we stayed in the smallest I'm talking you know it's two bedrooms you stayed in like Jason's college house? Just, yes.

And there were like the five of us plus three kids for this person we stayed with, plus their grandfather, plus the two of them. So there's like 11 people in here and one person got the stomach bug to start. And the horror and terror that ensued for the next five days, it was just a house. There weren't enough drains. Let's just put it that wayued for the next five days. It was just a house. There weren't enough drains. Let's just put it that way. Oh, my goodness.

Wow. And you're away from home. It was not fun. Yeah. All right. Kyler from the website, would you rather watch a great movie with an unresolved ending or a mediocre movie that ties up all the loose ends?

So do you want the story redeemed or do you want it to redeemed or you want it to be a letdown at the end what a letdown i love unresolved endings oh no oh yeah you're that guy oh yeah oh wait do you walk away going that was art no i say that was awesome it was artsome no because i have why do you love unresolved endings? I'm so curious. Because I have an active imagination and I can fill in the rest of the story. Now, hold on, hold on, hold on. I don't need them to hold my hand like I'm a toddler.

Okay, hold on. So you try to finish the story in your brain. I want to clarify a couple of things here because I think some people would say Inception, for example, doesn't have a resolved... Sure, that is an have a resolved ending. But that's not how I see this question. That ending is left up for a fun debate at the end as to what it meant. And you can have arguments over it. So like there wasn't a resolution.

Sure, but there are movies that are completely, There's just no ending at all. Give me an example. Oh, I don't... Inception, that's the type of ending that I'm talking about where it's just like... Total Recall. Those are awesome endings. Okay, so you're on my team.

I guess I might be, but I have seen artsy movies. I can't remember the names of them because they're stupid, awful artsy movies. Blade Runner has a thought- Blade Runner thought-provoking ambiguous ending yes Blade Runner is the ending is just like we hate that it's just like Inception I feel like the indie movies that are you know day in the life of and there's these things going on they just and then the credits roll and you're like the heck did I just spend two hours watching this movie? Like what happened to the rest of their lives? Yeah, like you told the story.

So you would much rather have, where like I'll take that, where it's just the movie just kind of ends and it feels a little anticlimactic, but I enjoyed the two hours. You want the ending credits where it shows every character's face, and then it freezes, and it's just a sentence like,

then they went to college, and they got married. I love those endings. Bob got a job as a construction manager. That is so weak. Liar. And so bad. Liar. You're a liar.

Tell me in the end of Sandlot that you didn't watch and see what those kids' futures were, and you're like, yeah, that's awesome. He became a wrestler. That's cool. Because when I watched Sandlot, I was a child. Yeah. And when you say children don't matter, Mike, you don't love our kids? I am saying my ability to consume a story has changed from the time of being a child to being a grown up.

I see both sides. But Mike, you have to admit some movies take the easy way out with that. Sure. Where they get there and they're like, I can't be creative enough to tie up these endings. That's how those indie movies feel. The indie movies feel like, I told a story, I'm not sure how to end it. Ooh, credits. And then people will be like, what happened? feel the indie movies feel like i i told a story i'm not sure how to end it ooh credits and then people will be like what happened it'll be like exactly but it's just a cop i'm guessing

that during the writing portion it's it's not they're not like oh crap i don't know how to end this just do it it's over credits like this i don't think that's the thought we're out of budget where i see right through them where see i see the the other side of the story i i think that's the thought process. We're out of budget. I see right through him. I see the other side of the story. I think that's the cop out of like, we don't know how to end this. And they're like, this happened to that character. This happened to that character. And the movie's done.

Everyone's real happy. Thomas lived a happy life. Got married. Had two kids. Retired. I will say that when the movies show this is the future for these characters that when that happens i love it i mean there's not one example that a movie's ever done that where i'm not like heck yeah man tell me the future what if they uh what if they started adding that as the like an add-on to the movie ticket yes like you pay an extra five and they give you

the pamphlet that says what happened to all the characters at the end they'd get five more dollars out of me every single movie i mean i don't even care what it could be hamlet everyone's dead and said tell me tell me tell me the next 15 years their lives look like 10 years and they remained Yeah. Oh, yes, I knew it. All right, we're moving on. That's a great question. All right, well, this first one comes from Andrew on Patreon. It's me, just so you know. Oh, thanks. I submitted this one because I wanted to know your answer.

I was very curious. You can shoot one free throw. Make it. You get a million dollars. Miss it. You can never one free throw. Make it. You get a million dollars. Miss it. You can never text again. Do you take the shot? Absolutely I take the shot.

You take the shot. One free throw. One free throw. What do you think your percentage chance is? I think it is. A realistic. Realistic. Oh, I have it in my head what i think jason's realistic chance realistic right now because i when i when i play basketball in high school i i was an 80

free throw shooter i am not that i don't play very much that was a while ago it was a long while ago 72 years oh okay i can't see what is written down okay i believe i would hit 60 of my free throws oh he gave you 65 okay thank you i i'm gonna be above 50 that's a uh a 35 to 40 chance you never get to send a text the rest of your life yeah it's not that bad i mean yeah i mean you say that but i think you underestimate that importance no there could be advantages your kids you're never texting your kids yeah oh no i got a call the contractor i gotta hear their beautiful voices they're not answering that they're texters yeah but they know dad won't text them they probably don't know how to have a phone call they'll be like hello what is

this um yeah you're taking the shot i'm taking the shot because you okay i've got a below 50 chance to miss out on texting for the rest of my life but there could legitimately be advantages to that even though i love texting i text all the time there it could be good it could be good for me but there is very few situations i would say none in life where you have an above 50 chance to do something to get a million okay i'm sure i'm definitely going to be making some changes to this question in a second, but Mike, first I want to know if you'd do it. Now, your free throw shooting is probably not where Jason's is at.

No, not anywhere close. I would put myself maybe 30% if I'm being generous to myself. So are you taking the shot? What if I make it $5 million? Yes. Okay. generous to myself so you're are you taking the shot what if i make it five million yes okay i like that if you could see your face you were considering you were genuinely in thought you're like would i do this he changed the numbers like that's yeah well i mean it was like i probably

end up doing it for a million dollars so if it's five then yeah so i'm gonna make two two alterations first i want to know, would you take a longer amount of time preparing for the shot or would you try to be in rhythm? Oh, you got to be in rhythm. I would have... So you go up there, two dribbles.

Two dribbles, bend the knees, spin the ball, take the shot. Mike, are you really concentrating here? I mean, I don't have... I never played... You don't have a routine i don't i never played organized are you going underhand uh oh that's a good question because my granny shot is definitely better than my overhand shot you know what i don't understand why it doesn't happen more in

basketball like free throws and i i get why because it's dumb looking because it's pride it's pride this is the answer to my question is pride but as you grow up and you're you're learning to play basketball and you're shooting free throws and you're getting better if you just worked from the time that you were a young lad all the way through college ball and into the NBA on straight free throw banks you couldn't make them oh sure you should be shooting 95 just banking that off the back. Shaq, I was reading this the other day. It's been well talked about. He was a horrible free throw shooter, 52% or something his whole career.

They tried and tried to get him to go under him, and he just straight up said, I don't want to look stupid. Yeah. He was willing to sacrifice multiple spots. I love it. I would look so stupid making all of those shots yeah i would rather miss half of them so because i don't look stupid when i miss something that's called a free throw here's a new question follow up

hypothetical with a free throw okay okay i'm making it up on the fly here. $10 million. I'm in. Okay? $10 million. You shoot until you make it. Every miss, one of your fingers falls off. Falls off.

Falls off. So there's no pain? No pain. I'm missing a finger. You're losing a finger. Now, is that the shooting hand? Because that becomes a real problem here. You won't know. You won't know.

But my follow-up is like. You're committed to the shot. And so if you miss two, two fingers are gone. You miss three, three fingers is gone. So, I mean, it falls off and we're saying like it's just covered up immediately? Or is it an open wound? Does it hurt? No, I mean, it can be covered up immediately? Or is it an open wound? Does it hurt? No, I mean, it can be covered up immediately.

Okay. But it will be remaining on the ground next to you. That's fine. It's not gone. It's like it's falling and you've got a nub. Can I kick it out of the way? Yes. You can nudge it.

Yes, you can nudge it out of your shooting path. Because you're shooting 65%, but you might lose one finger here. But it's 10 million. I could lose. You could use them all. Well, eventually, if you miss those first five, you're going home with no fingers and no money. I will accept the game, and I will play the game if I get to pick the finger. Solely because if it was my right hand middle finger.

Yeah, you're done. I don't know how I make a... You could shoot lefty. Your odds are going down. Yeah, I mean, it's just all of a sudden I go from... So what do you go? Do you go... Well, I'd start on the left hand because I'm shooting right-handed.

I would start with the pinky. I feel like I go ring finger. You get to choose, but it's two fingers if it's your left hand, and it's one if it's your right. Ooh. Okay. So now I've got... Also, this is the dumbest question I've ever asked.

A little claw. No, dude. You've got to keep the pinky. Just for you listening... Yeah. No way. For you listening at home, Jason is now trying out different formations of three fingers on his left hand to see which claw he prefers.

You got to keep the pinky. No, the pinky's not strong enough, Mike. It doesn't do me any good. No, the pinky's got to go first. No. What? You guys are crazy. No, you need to have your-

You got to have their three dominant. No, man. You got to have pointer, middle finger, and thumb. No, you need to have your. You got to have their three diamonds. No, man. You got to have pointer, middle finger, and thumb. No, your ring figure is useless. You notice every claw machine, they don't have pinkies. That's true. That's clearly those three prongs are their middle finger, pointer, and thumb. I don't know.

I feel like just with the opening of the claw. Are you taking the shot for $10 million? No. And losing fingers? No. Okay. There's no amount of money then. Oh you taking the shot for $10 million? No. And I'm losing fingers? No. Okay. There's no amount of money then. Oh, I mean, of course.

There's an amount of money. $11 million. There's an amount of money for nearly everything, which is unfortunate. Can I buy a ball team? Yeah. It's a bad observation about us as human beings. There is a price, but like I said, I think I'm down at 30%. That really is sad, Mike.

There is a price for almost everything. I mean, darn near anything. There's like a price. It's not reasonable. Can't happen. But it exists. James Brooks from Patreon has another great question for us. What is the proper way to put up glasses and mugs after washing them?

Oh, yes. Upside down or right side up. So is this, just to be clear, I want to, because, you know, it's not taking them from the dishwasher. This is you wash them and then you put them away or you wash them and you set them out to dry? They're dry. Oh, just dry glasses.

Yeah. So you don't have to consider any drainage here. No. This is a perfectly clean and dry glass. I'm just going to admit it. I don't know if this is shameful. 100% of my life has been up. Yeah.

Up is the right way. But I think the question- I'm an upside down man. Really? You're an upside down man? Now is this- I am as well. You gave me the thumbs down. That means upside down? Correct. So let me ask I think the question... I'm an upside down man. You're an upside down man? Now is this... I am as well. You gave me the thumbs down.

That means upside down? Correct. So let me ask... Brooks, Brooks. I'm up. Okay. Okay. Three to two, we win.

So question here for you two upside down gentlemen. Is this more based on water or more based on the dust? It's got to be dust. Okay, that makes sense. I think a lot of... But dust can't accumulate that fast. Dust requires three days got to be dust. Okay, that makes sense. I think a lot of- But dust can't accumulate that fast. Dust requires three days of not being used. And it's in a closed cabinet.

Is there really dust getting in there? I don't know, but I'm not taking any chances. That's what the logic my brain tells me is that you can look around in your living area and it's disgusting. It becomes disgusting in a matter of, in Arizona, a day. A day, like, stuff is already dusty. And I just imagine it getting into my cabinet. Oh, my God. And going into my cups.

Which is apparently Al's view, too. Yeah. I mean, the cabinet. There's really no downside to placing them upside down. They look stupid. No, no, no, no. That's the downside. The downside is if you take it out of the cabinet and put it underneath the faucet. Yeah, there's really no downside to placing them upside down. They look stupid. That's the downside.

The downside is if you take it out of the cabinet and put it underneath the faucet, there's no rotational effort on your wrist. That's true. There is some science behind the fact that those that keep them down, their wrists are weaker. The ergo conversation, that's fine, but you guys are drinking the desert. Just pure mud and dust. dead skin, bug poop. It's everywhere. If this was out and about, open shelves, I think you're right.

There's dust everywhere. But if you come back to this. You think the tiny little crack that climbs through the dust? Yes, I do think it keeps the dust out. I think if you come back. Dust settles from the upper. You're opening and closing your cabinets all the time you're just just to grab the you're just as soon as you close it you're pushing all of it in just waft it right in how dirty are your houses yeah they're disgusting these two gentlemen are not gentlemen i change my air filters

thank you you're a responsible i drive Stratus. Your air filters cannot stop the shedding of your skin. You're leaking your arm hair and your skin into your cups? You are just living, walking around. Just living. Your skin is everywhere. I'm leaking skin everywhere except my cups because they're in a cabinet. If I left my house for 100 years and I came back. Do you know how small microscopic is?

And I came back to this house and it's covered in dust everywhere. Every cabin. There's plants and vines growing everywhere. I would open these cabinets and everything is fine inside. Yeah. You guys have so much faith in a thing. I have really nice cabinets. They're airtight, sealed.

Vacuum sealed. if you have vacuum sealed then you're a little bit okay because like i said as soon as you open those up and you close them you're just you're inviting it all in this is ridiculous uh one reason that i wouldn't put them down ways is because when you take them out of like the dishwasher and stuff they're not always 100 dry and i don't want to like leak water down under the wood. Yes. I get that. Do you guys line your cabinets with a little extra moisture absorption? No. So you've got some cracked cabinets.

They've got mold in their cabinets to avoid the microscopic dust. Mold to avoid the dust. Mold makes you strong. Oh, yeah. Penicillin. All right. Do we got time for one more of these before our draft we sure do all right sandwich supreme on patreon sent us in this question if i text someone

and they complain about me waking them up is that on me for texting them too late at night or early in the morning or is it on them for not using do not disturb while sleeping this is a great question it's a great question with a clear answer yes this is only one person's fault you're going to say that it is the do not disturb that needs to be on for that person they need to control their own universe yes and i can just willy-nilly text anybody i want yes anytime i want that's the magic of texting is that i can send it to you at any given moment. I don't have to wait until you're awake to make a phone call. So are you telling me that

you don't pause and think about that when you text? Ever? No, I do. I do because I know people make mistakes with their do not disturb. That's part of it. So we have our accountant, our financial guy lives in Hawaii.

So he's doing really, really bad. He lives in Hawaii. And so like 8 o'clock our time is like 5 in the morning, I think, in Hawaii, or 4 in the morning. I think it's 4-hour time. Every time I Google it, I'm like, it's way too early. And I have to make that decision when I have a question at 7 or 8. But I am now aware that he do not disturb his phone. Therefore, I fire it. I'm like, it's way too early. Yeah. And I have to make that decision when I have a question at seven or eight. But I am now aware that he do not disturbs his phone.

Yes. Therefore, I fire away. Look, if you are a person who has your professional and you have made it in your life that you can go live in Hawaii, you know how to operate a phone and put on your do not disturb. It's automatic. You don't have to turn it on and turn it off. You can tell your phone, this is the hours I want Do Not Disturb on. This is not 1997 where everyone has a Nokia that doesn't even have vibrate. You only have sound on or sound off, and there's no D&D on that.

It's a fine question 30 years ago. But right now, if you can't manage the tech, get out of here. Okay, let me give you a follow-up then. I'm in the mood to modify today. What is your reaction when you do call somebody and you get the tired, you think they just woke up voice? Call? Yeah.

That's different. Okay. I'm not calling people at 11 o'clock. But aren't they supposed to have do not disturb on? Ironically, that math does check out. Do not disturb should stop the call from coming through. It does not stop the call from your contact list. Or your favorites or something.

You set that up. I believe the way that works is the second call. It's your favorite. The second call from favorites goes through. I think it's the first one. I think it's the first one. I'm on it. I think it's the first one. I believe the way that works is the second call from favorites goes through. I think it's the first one. I'm on it. I think it's the first one.

But if you get the tired voice, though, because you catch them in a nap or something, do you panic? And do you wish you could just hang up? Or do you apologize? It's too late at that point. Did I wake you? Is that coming out of your mouth? No, you say you sound terrible. You put late at that point. Did I wake you? Is that coming out of your mouth? No, you say, you sound terrible. You put it all on them.

Okay. But that I'm aware of. So you wouldn't make the phone call at 5 in the morning for sure? Right. That's fair. I don't call my dad after 8 o'clock because he's an old man. He goes to bed very early, and I know that the phone will ring through. He texts him the numbers 911 and waits for the do phone will ring through he texts him the the number is 9-1-1

and waits for the do not deserve to go off for him to call and I'm like why didn't you call me last night um okay all right yeah that that makes sense the phone makes it very are you in agreement producers that the uh responsibility is now on the do not disturber definitely now that there is one caveat here which is a people above the age of like yes 60 yes sure 100 they they the fact they're never touching the do not disturb that's far beyond their capability if you got to 50 and they also don't have vibrate on there's no chance if you got to 50 and did not already operate that new method of technology then we presume so that that's that's the barometer like when did this thing exist the the do not disturb automatic window thing did that happen before or after they

were 50 then you know whether or not they use it that just that seems like an easy thing you can do for your parents teach them yeah it's not easy you don't even need to just grab their phone because now it's on forever my My phone doesn't work anymore. All right. Moving on. The Spitballers Draft. All right. This is a fun one.

I believe Jason made this one up. Song titles that could describe a bad date. Now, I think we were going to do movies or something, and then now we're doing songs. Who knows? And maybe we'll do movies another time. Truth be told, I think we were going to do movies or something, and then now we're doing songs. Who knows? And maybe we'll do movies another time. Truth be told, yeah, we were doing movies, but Jason prepared for the wrong draft.

Okay. So we're doing songs, and we might save movies for another day. Okay. I like it. I like it. There are a lot of different songs that could describe a bad date. A lot of different angles you could take. I don't feel like there is.

I mean, of all the drafts, there's no 101 here. Correct. However, I'm going to go with Can't Touch This by MC Hammer. Very good. Can't Touch This. I believe it is You Can't Touch This. Okay, You Can't Touch This. Now I have to vet it.

You Can't Touch This. Yes, with the letter U. It's not spelled out.c hammer had no time for extra characters no not not back then back then characters were yeah you had a limit so that is my that is my song title describing my uh a bad day i like that so we know a little bit about andy now he wants to be very physical on this date. And it's bad because you can't touch this. All right. I like it.

That's the way you took that? Yes. Oh. I did not mean it that way. Oh, you meant just like. I did not mean it like I was trying to get handsy and they said no. Okay. That's how i took it i meant like the i meant like the

date went bad and i am therefore saying you can't touch this that's where i was no i had to step in there real quick 100 thought you wanted more of a physical relationship good and the date went poorly because you can't touch this. Because I was denied? Yeah. No. Okay. Well, that's good. Oh, man. I am red.

All right, Mike, your pick. All right. Of this list, how do I want to start it? I will go. I'm going to start my draft for describing a bad date. I will go with, don't stand so close to me by the police. Okay. I like it. And I'm hearing them in my head now, too.

Yeah. I like it. Sing that one. That one's the. Don't stand. Yeah. Don't stand. The police are like.

Don't stand so close to me. They've always been a strange band to me because usually the chorus is like, this is like, oh, once it gets to the chorus, this is the good part of the song. The chorus was always fine for the Pulleys. The verses were, that was where the magic was for a band.

They were a very strange, backwards type of people. Okay. Something you and Brooks can talk about in the future. Yeah, I'm sure. Brooks, are you in agreement over here here do you know what I'm talking about yes sir don't stand so close to me

maybe it's a bad breath problem on date one it's a personal bubble space you got those people that you know or as Jason would interpret it Mike was trying to stand really close she was like don't stand so close to me while this date is over.

All right. Jason, you get a couple of picks. All right. I'm going to start with a great song. It's not so great for a date. Okay. It smells like teen spirit because teenagers be stinky. And you don't want a stinky date.

That's going to ruin a date right off the bat. Okay. Yeah, we'll interpret it that way. That's the way we're going to interpret it is how you're saying it. Interesting. For sure. Peculiar. Peculiar.

And my second one here, from the Rolling Stones, i can't get no satisfaction okay okay that date went very poorly okay um got it mike it's on to you okay we're i'm already back on the clock interesting thank goodness uh i am going to go man there's, there's a lot that I like on my list over here. Uh, I will go, Jason is cackling. I saw one on my list that you're not going to say you're funny. Uh, it is, uh, people should know this song. I don't know if you guys will, we'll know it is a, uh, Are you familiar with the band Iron Maiden? I do sing it.

Sing the band. What's the song? The title of the track is Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden. I like it. Run to the Hills. Yes. If you're not listening to that right now. Have you been on a blind date or a first date where you had to make it through? it through no it was not going well i like wasn't really in the dating scene

it was like you just you meet people like you hang out with people establish a relationship with them and then okay maybe you're dating later well i i i have been on one of those. I went on a blind date. It was known within a couple of moments. Oh, no. And it was a day planned. Oh. Like a pretty good, longer day. Oh, man. And so in the spirit of that, long ago, this was a blind date that I made it through.

I'm going to go with I Will Survive. Okay. Okay. As my second song. Because sometimes you just have to make it through a bad date. What are, I mean, we're not the people to give this advice. Sure we are. Okay. I mean, I guess we're pretty good at everything.

Thank you. What, socially, should you have a date like that yeah how long do you need to continue the date before or like is it like can you just have you know two minutes in the go this no this i don't think there's any but if there's not a buzzer on the table you got to go more than a couple minutes i can't do like you can argue that it is a kindness and a blessing to just be like this isn't gonna work right get up and leave but I would argue that is not very nice and that person would be very unhappy and feel bad and so I could not do that I would finish the entirety of you know if you're that's what I, if you're getting dinner, if you're getting whatever the date is.

You don't just be like, you want to meet at that bench for a date? You know, you're doing a thing usually on a date. Yeah, we had like lunch and then we went walking around a mall. You complete that action and then you leave. I'm saying, you know, you're sitting down for the date or for dinner. Yeah. And, you know, a nice dinner. I assume that's what people on first dates, they go have

a nice dinner. But you know. You do know. You know right away like this is not going to work. If it's mutual and it's obvious it's mutual, that might give you a better chance. Yes. But if it's One Direction, which was what mine was, I feel like it was much worse because

she was very happy to be on the date. One Direction means there's only here's, here's where it doesn't work. It doesn't work where you sit down, you start talking, you realize it's not going to happen. You're like, Oh,

I'm going to go to the bathroom and then you never come back. No, that does happen. That does happen. Do that now. That's wrong. Here's where it's okay. You get to this date and assuming this is a blind date,

you're just trying to, you know, Oh, I'll be the woman with the red rose on the lapel or whatever. And you see, you see blind date you're just trying to you know oh i'll be the woman with the red rose on the lapel or whatever and you see you see her and you're like yeah that's that most blind date yeah and when you sit down make sure you say the weather is nice in philadelphia if you haven't yet met and from a distance oh this isn't gonna work then you can there is an escape that's an escape you don't You never show up.

That's the exact same move as I got to go to the bathroom. No, because you never showed up. You forgot about it. I was in a fatal car accident. I was never here. I'm so sorry. I missed it. Also...

That's a little bit merciful. No, that is not merciful at all. That is merciful. I guess the woman in the red rose is sitting there alone. The person who just got ghosted is sitting at that table for 30 plus minutes. Now that's a problem. Waiting for you to show up. No, well, no, I text immediately.

I say, I'm so sorry. Something came up. I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. Maybe we can reschedule. And then I ghost her. What if, what if that's, you just, what if you text her in the middle of the, like, while you're sitting there? You just, just text me like, this is not going to work out.

And then as they buzz and they look at it, you just go, peace. As soon as she picks up the phone, you just start walking. All right, so we are halfway through our draft. I have You Can't Touch This and I Will Survive. Mike has Don't Stand So Close to Me and Run to the Hills. And Jason made a couple picks as well. I am going to go with a different direction here. I'm going to go with Smooth Criminal.

Ooh. She's stealing your wallet. She's stealing from me. That's exactly right. Okay. It's a bad date. And if I was describing that to someone, if she stole my wallet, that's the song I would choose. You thought you had a good date, but when you went to pay the taxi cab, you went, wait a minute.

When I went to check the time, my watch was gone. Oh, so she's a really smooth criminal. That is smooth. At that point, I'm back in because I'm like, she's talented. If she could get my watch off without me knowing she's doing a bunch of magic tricks right in the middle of the day to take the watch all right mike you are back uh let's see don't you get oh you wait you did i will survive yeah i will survive okay i lost my track there. All right. This, again, you may not be familiar with the song, but Etta James has a song titled, I'd Rather Go Blind.

Oh, man. Brutal. Okay. All right. Yeah, it's not going well. I would rather go blind than spend more time with you. Wow. That's wonderful. What style of song is go blind than spend more time with you. Wow. That's wonderful.

What style of song is that? That is James' old standards. Oh, yeah. But that's the lyric right there? Standards is a type of music. Yes, it actually is. Which I knew. That's the full lyric?

I'd rather go blind than spend more time with you? Oh, no. I don't know the actual lyric. Oh, okay. I'm just saying that's how I'm- That's the implication. Yes. Okay.

All right, Jason. You have two more picks. All right. I can't wait to hear them. Look, sometimes there's a problem on a date. Sometimes there's a lot of problems. Okay. But what you don't want, like Jay-Z said, is 99 problems because that's too much.

That is a lot of problems to be having on a date. Yeah. I don't even want to tell the story of the date. That's like, how'd it go? 99 problems 99 problems okay you better have a lot of time now i have a lot of problems um so that's one thank you jay-z um and then shout out to my boy shout out uh and then the last one here i think um look you you know you're going on a date. You don't know how this person is, and I know what you don't want this person to be, and there's a creep by Radiohead. Creep is not the adjective for a good date.

I like it. That was on my list. Thank you. You didn't have Smells Like Teen Spirit? No. That's a great pick. I did know that. I mean, it's so good.

We did not think about it. Oh, in that song, you're the creep. I guess by the lyrics, yeah. Yeah. Nice. You're the creep. Backfired. Yeah.

I would say that when there is a creep, it's usually going to be the guy. I can't. You know what I mean? It's going to be me. Yes. I'm the creep, shoot. All right. How'd the date went? Oh, it was terrible. I was such a creep guy. I can't. You know, it's going to be me. Yes. I'm the creep, shoot. How'd the date went?

Oh, it was terrible. I was such a creep. All right, Mike, you have one pick left. All right. So for my final pick here, perhaps you're out, you know, enjoying yourself. People are having some adult beverages. Yeah. Perhaps the other person over imbibes.

Okay. And you say, call me when you're sober by evanescence hey at least you want an evanescence song coming from mike on this one at least you want a call later that i mean this is the best of the bad cleaned up and give me a ring see i feel like when you're saying that though i mean you're just like yeah you don't mean it yeah i mean when i say call me i mean don't call me but also you're a lush when i say when i say call me i mean you call me i won't call you all right final pick i'm pretty happy with this final pick all right because it's a situation i really wouldn't want to have happen

on a date and um it's a song by godier godier godier godier yeah and it's uh somebody that i used to know yes because if i show up at that date oh no and it's like somebody that i used to date that would be a problem yeah like oh it's you or anybody that you used to know yeah i could see that going poorly it could be it going poorly. It could be good. It could be a good thing. Like, oh, that's someone I used to know. We're reunited. Probably not. Yeah.

So that'll do it. Jason has smells like teen spirit. I can't get no satisfaction. 99 problems in creep. Mike has don't stand so close to me. Run to the hills. I'd rather go blind. My personal favorite.

Call me when you're sober. If you can't touch this. I will survive. Smooth criminal and someone that I used to know. I did have some finalists that we can share if we want to share a few finalists. It was between I will survive and staying alive. Okay. Either one of those had the same meaning.

Also through it it i shot the sheriff figured that date went wrong oh that would be um at least the deputy is all right though and then obviously from the top of the show i never even drafted it but which doctor did which doctor didn't seem like a good date okay that's good um i've got uh some classics like heartbreak hotel and you've lost that love and feeling i got more modern songs like Cry Me a River and Bye Bye Bye. Oh, yeah. There you go. That's a good one.

Bye bye. Bye bye bye. And some others. Yeah. Mike. Mike. We have, let's see, End of the Road by Boyz II Men. Oh, that's good.

People Are Strange by The Doors. Oh, yeah. Very good one. See, you should have gone with that one because then it's the people who are the problem. You're not the creep. Yeah. Whoops. And then there were two ice ones.

Ice Ice Baby and Cold as Ice by Foreigner. Oh, yeah. You know, you get the cold shoulder. All right. That'll do it. What did we learn today? Learn that teenagers are smelly. Well, I mean, that's common knowledge.

Oh, did I just learn that today? Yeah. I learned that Jason believes he is still a 65% free throw shooter. I believe I was 60%. Andy thought I was 65%. Oh, 60%. We're going to have to get on the court and figure this out. I learned that air quotes usage without the sarcastic tone in your voice begs a lot of questions.

It's back, baby. Thank you for joining us. I bet we come out with another episode of this show next week even. Hope you join us. Tell your friends, everybody. Goodbye. Goodbye. Next week, even.

Hope you join us. Tell your friends, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. We'll see you next week.