Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: "Eat This!" & The Best Future Technologies - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

Spit Hit for October 27th, 2022: On this episode, we discuss elementary school vs. high school memories and which subject the fellas could still ace an exam in today. We also have a ‘Jason Explains’ segment that seems super familiar. Have we done this one before? We close the show out with a draft of future technologies that we want NOW! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads, we have a spectacular, Jason, it's spectacular, right? I'm going to be honest with you, Andy. I stayed here just for this little introduction for one reason. Because it's a spectacular Spithead episode? This episode has one of my all-time favorite jokes. Literally, I think about it all the time on this episode. It might be in the title. Yeah, and we...

I just love it. good we also we got a jason explains so you uh you make a little uh knowledge appear for the listeners i probably come across super smart and uh we draft future technologies that we want right now do not miss a minute What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I'll take it. Oh, welcome in to the show. Squibab-doobab-doom-ba-da-da-hee-ba-da-boo. I'll take it. Oh, welcome in to the show.

I gave it a seven. Oh, Andy, tough judge. Oh, man. I gave it a six. What about the, what was that, like a skibbity-doo? You want to know what was great is the middle, he actually had a little tone. Yeah. That was in there. Yeah, I liked it.

But then his finish, it's the confidence level at the middle. He actually had a little tone. Yeah, that was in there. I liked it. But then his finish is the confidence level at the end. I feel like that was, I stuck the land. You did you, I feel like six from this guy. There was a story of started eight ended six. No, it's like the signs movie. You started as a, as a young lad. You had no, no confidence. You were finding your way in the world. And then you blossomed. You learned some things. And then you stuck it, man. That's right.

No, no, no, no, no. It was good. Let me ask you this, though, because I could move it up to a seven under one condition. Did you kind of run out of breath? No, not at all. Okay. It's a six then. Welcome into the spitball.

It would move up if I didn't run it? If it was a physical limitation that caused the ending of the scat to not be as high quality, I wouldn't hold it against you. I'm going to have to go back and listen to the tape. But what I've learned over time is that every time I go back and listen to the tape, it gets worse every time. Al, give us a grade, Al. For Jason, that was a solid eight.

So this was a this is the we grade on the curve sliding scale but also jason you've now learned uh fill your lungs to about 30 percent and then you're going to get a 10 out of 10 from andy welcome into the spitballers podcast that was That was so brave, Jason. You're a warrior. That was so brave. Episode 124 at SpitballersPod on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. We invite you to come and support the show. Become an official Spitwad supporter at SpitballersPod.com. We have more Jason on the show today, so don't worry about that.

We've got Would You Rather, a jason explains which uh deep breaths you got 60 seconds you got to talk for that that part of the show and uh situation room okay we're doing that today and a draft that i think is going to be uh tantalizing of the mind i was going to say out of this world um yeah we're going to the future i i genuinely can't wait when i heard about this draft immediately i had like six things that i wanted and i don't think we're drafting that many things and i'm already upset about it do you want to do it right now let's go oh just kidding we're gonna do would you rather? I'm very interested for the draft to see. I feel like some of mine are really low bar.

I have a couple. To me, it sounds incredibly cool, but it's really not that. I'm not changing the world with it. See, nobody knows what we're drafting yet. Oh, we didn't tell them? No, so what you're describing now is very confusing. Stay tuned. Professional tease there.

Yeah, I thought Mike was being... We've been over this. The name of the draft is in the show title. I realize that, but some people, they didn't read the show title. Whoever does. All right. This question comes in from uh sir robert on patreon a supporter of the show oh royalty yes would you rather relive your elementary school

days or your high school days now do i know i'm reliving them uh i think it's more about like the question could be summed up as like which experience did you enjoy more maybe. You're reliving it as you don't know you're reliving it. You just get to relive it again. Which experience do you want to relive again? You don't get to change things and know the future. It's just like. Which would you rather go through again?

And it's hard. I talk to people about... Like when I bring up high school, grade school, I get strong opinions from people. They either loved it or hated it, is the way it seems to be. They wish they could be back in that time, or it's the worst time of my life. I was bullied, or I had a bad experience,

or I got bad grades, or these things happened of my life. I was bullied or I had a bad experience or I got bad grades or these things happened in my life. So which one is it for you guys? I loved both. I had a great time in high school. My initial response is, oh man, I would love to go back and relive high school.

Those were great fun days um but i get fewer of them right i mean i get i get four years of high school if i get to relive grade school that's i feel like i'm getting more time i wasn't sure if maybe you had more years of high school than than we did but yes most most people would be like eight eight years of grade school and four years of high school. Yeah. Now, if you take the middle school up. Yeah, I'll give you six. I'll give you one through six.

Okay. So here's the difference for me. The highs are higher in high school, but the lows are lower in high school. The stakes are so big. Friends are mean more and are more mean. So, whew. Girlfriends. Fewer in grade school, I presume.

Yes. Especially if we're stopping at sixth grade. Yeah. Man. Yeah, I'm with you. I mean, we went to the same school, so maybe that was part of it. But I loved my grade school days. I remember graduating eighth grade and walking home from school that day.

Oh, and you were the hot stuff? No, I remember crying. Oh. I actually cried coming home because I had teachers that I loved, and I was never going to be on that campus again. And I remember being really sad about that. But I think I would go back. I do high school.

Really? Even after saying that. Even I think I would go back. I do high school. Really? Even after saying that. Even after crying when grade school is done. It was all about independence. In high school, you had more independence. We had open campus. We could leave for lunch. I got to be, you know, you could pick what clubs or, you know, I was newspaper club and things like that.

You had independence and you had freedom and you were just like, you had your friend group that was everything to you. There's an argument to be made, though, that the lack of independence is what was so great about grade school. Yes. No bills, no jobs. I didn't have a job.

There's no nothing. Everything is, I'm not even making my own lunch. You wake up and you say, am I going to play three hours of basketball in a day or four? Yeah. I mean, it's really bad once you get to fourth grade and you're like, I only get two recesses? Oh, man.

I remember. Yeah, that felt unfair. I was the kid. I don't remember what grade it happened to us in elementary school. But the clock hit in the afternoon and I raised my hand and I'm like, what time is recess? What's the haps here? What is going on? And then they informed me, oh no, it's simply the one recess for you now. So I had no heads up. I had no awareness until day of. Were you furious? I don't know if i was furious but i was i was definitely deflated i remember sadness so which i since jason and i went to school together i mean not in the same grade but right um had similar experience i'm curious what your answer would be mike did you

have one that you loved way more than the other i am taking the elementary school uh for some of the reasons you were saying jason i'm hungry and it's mom dad i'm hungry yeah you know it's not it you with the independence means i gotta figure out what i'm gonna eat it's no i am hungry i will go to the cupboard i will get in and uh or my mom will go to the cupboard give me some snacks or something yeah and the for me i i often think back to uh like i played a lot of video games when i was growing up and when you're young you can like seeing something for the first time experiencing a world in a video game it is a lot different than it is now now when you play the brand new graphics all the new xbox games out you're like oh is now. Now when you play the brand new graphics, all the new Xbox games,

you're like, oh, that looks so cool. When you are a kid, this is taking over your whole brain. You are experiencing this not just playing a video game, but you are immersed in what is happening, and you're imagining actually being there. I will say this just about childhood in general. Magic can happen when you're young, not when you're old. Yeah. I think it really has to do with the fact that the older you get,

the more responsibilities and things are on your subconscious. So when you are experiencing something, the inhibitions are there. The responsibilities are there. When my son does something, plays a new game, I feel like 100% of his brain is concentrated on it. Where at given times, I'm going, if I tried to play a video game now, I'm like, I got 30, 35 minutes to play

the game, and then I got to make dinner later. I'm curious, though, when you brought up the food one specifically, Mike, about you just get to say, hey, mom, I'm hungry. I'm wondering if the food thing is going to come back in our draft later. I'm just curious. It may be one of your. I don't know.

I don't know. And like when you're a kid. So bring your kid to the grocery store, you know, back when you used to be able to do those types of things. But your kid, at least my kids, I'll speak to my kids, they'll just start dancing in the middle of the grocery store there's they're not hearing the music they're just they're hearing the music inside and they're letting it out they're letting the happy out and you're like as an adult oh i could never do such things like

this oh i have had so many conversations where we've got friends over adults who have children and we watch children play and just do things where we go, why can't we do that anymore? Why can't we just play and have fun doing nothing? I'm absolutely going to grade school. I'm going all the way back. I want the child love in my heart

that's now black and full of hatred. Alright, let's go forward here. Noah from the website, would you rather be able to dance 20% better than you can now? Oh, speaking of hatred. All right. All right. Let's go forward here. Noah from the website, would you rather be able to dance 20% better than you can now? Oh, speaking of dancing. Or sing 50% better than you do now? Hmm. So an increase of my dance abilities by 20% is actually a very large amount.

Right. Because 20% is better than 2%. Well, because because 20 is better than two percent well it's 20 times zero what is 20 uh i can sing okay i could sing all right as a musician 50 though i mean now we're that's big now we're talking you know i'm a good singer so that man that's my vote that is a tough call you're taking the same absolutely because i i would love to i would love to be a musician or be able to do that part of life and i've always felt like that's my vote. That is a tough call. You're taking the same. Absolutely. Cause I, I would love to, I would love to be a musician or be able to do that part of life. And I've always felt like that's the area where I wish that I was excellent as a vocalist, as a vocalist. Yeah. Well, I mean, look, if this question were reworded and I could get 10,000 times better at dancing yeah or 12 better at singing i would still take the singing side

because i'm really when am i gonna use dancing you're in the grocery store if you're that much better i mean you can break it down but i wouldn't that's my point is like i've never been in a situation where i thought man i, I wish I could dance right now. Like as an adult. But you have all the time. You've never experienced, man, if I could dance, I'd be up there. I'd be cutting up a rug right now. No, because I'll go up and cut up the rug and make a fool of myself already. But you're making a fool.

But my point is. You could be cool. I could be cool. But that would be at the occasional wedding or, know i'm not going clubbing anymore he's crashing wedding wait hold on hold on hold on yeah i heard anymore too i'm just saying i was a young man once dude you were at the club i've gone to a club before yes i mean i wasn't like huge in the scene but yeah i would say i i had a couple years where i would go out a couple years shocking big well we know you that's what i mean what is this shocking you know dad me we think we

know him but he was a mime he was i mean we don't know his past that is true we learned so many things about jason on this show singing is like you sing all the time thank you um you know i i could sing you know help lead worship i could uh sing happy birthday to the best do you need more than than 12 percent or is that about well look the question gave me 50 i'm taking 50 yeah um but i think i'm i think that i can sing okay and then every now and then really bad, really poorly. Yeah. And so I think this 50% would take me to just being consistent. All right.

The thing about dancing though, is that that's, that skill comes in handy all the time. You, it's not just when you're out there actually performing. You will move with more grace. Your body will not be nearly as – I have the gangliest, awkward, white dad body situation going on. But if I could have any sort of class or real control bodily movement, just me walking around, you would be full of more confidence. I mean, we have plenty of examples i guess on this show or especially on the fantasy footballers show where andy some

great news happens or something and he'll dance at the table yes and i guess he does his bird he does his bird wobble yeah and yeah based on a couple shimmies in there. Based on what I'm seeing right now, I think you need to go to dance. Imagine that 20% better. Well, look, I think that I would change my answer if I got the 50,000% better, because then I would be the- Oh, we're dancing. See? That's it.

That's it. That was it. Oh, I am famous in my family for my bird dances. Yeah. All right. Does it have a name? No. No name.

Because, I mean, there's really no. Cock-a-doodle dance. Yeah, there's no planning to the dance. I mean, there's no thinking. You just dance, man. You just dance. All right, Becca from Patreon. Would you rather stay in COVID-style quarantines for the rest of your life.

Okay. Would you rather stay in COVID-style quarantines for the rest of your life or have to go to every party or event that you're ever invited to? And if anybody asks to come over, you have to allow it. So you have to be the most social person ever. Oh, no. Both directions. You have to be hospitable and let people come over all the time. And you have to go to every party you're ever invited to, or you're in a lifetime of quarantine. So this is like hermit or not the game.

I mean... Yeah, I mean, this is tough. It's a great question because you want neither. I'm a social person. I feel like this would be way too much obligation to have to see people all the time, to have people over to go somewhere. That being said, if the alternative is the exact opposite and you never see someone, oh, I couldn't do that. I would never be able to last.

I view hospitality as a virtue, not something that I always possess. So I imagine that if I'm stuck having to do something that's considered virtuous in my mind, that's the better outcome than the hermit self hidden in a room once. So I'll go that direction. Yeah, but imagine how unhospitable you would be

when it's obligatory and you don't want well i i think i'd resign myself to this world and become a social butterfly ring ring andy hello hey andy i'm gonna i'm gonna head over to your house fine maybe you're welcome here do you get a lot of phone calls like that is under the mat i it's funny that this came up because I had just been watching a documentary with my wife about making vaccines and how this COVID vaccine, how fast it is on the timeline of real vaccines. And like, you know, five to 10 years is the average timeline. And I was like, I literally said, what if we had to be quarantined for five to 10 years? Oh, my. Like, what if we had to be quarantined for five to ten years? Oh, my.

Like, what if you had to? Because what if it wasn't, you know, I know with this specific virus, people make decisions, they can get it, they're still a majority are okay. But what if it was zombies? But what if it was like, this is a virus where if you get it, you die in an hour. Right. So then we, you know, nobody's playing around with that, right? Like, we're all actually quarantined. We're all stuck in our homes.

You would change as a person after five to ten years. I'd have to learn how to garden. To get your food? Yeah. Worst thing I could think of. You got to live on a farm? No way. Not this guy.

Kill me. All right. we're going to learn about something in the next 60 seconds. Jason explains in 60 seconds. Alright, Al, you're going to spin the wheel and Jason's going to explain in

60 seconds everything he knows about said topic. I love the wheel. It is great. You're welcome, everybody. What do we have? Deja vu. Oh, that's easy. Deja vu is an occurrence that is where you think you've lived this before. Now, the reason that it comes is a big question to most scientists, but I actually do know the reason it comes.

scientists but i actually do know the reason it comes the reason that you feel like you are living this out before is because you have done the same thing very similar before and you think you're living it out and you're like wait a minute i've already done this i swear it happened like this and it probably did happen like this last tuesday when you walked around the corner the same way and you tripped on the same thing and now you're like oh my goodness is this the multiverse no it's not the multiverse it's a week later and it's already happened this is why deja vu happens later and more and more in life kids get less deja vu because they've got less experiences where they've done that thing before so deja vu is just you doing something again and thinking is there a big giant purpose to this that's everything you need to know about deja vu well i that's certainly the most boisterous 60 seconds explanation that i've ever received i'm a little

scared i don't know why you yelled at me i don't know why you're getting so heated about deja vu well i just i feel like i've said this before calling people like listen okay he's been down this road deja fools deja fools. Deja fools. So is that true about the, I'm sure you made it up, but is that true about the kids experiencing less deja vu? Oh, of course. It has to be. Jason said it in the segment, so never mind.

In fairness, I don't believe anything I just said. I've had some crazy deja vu before where it's just impossible. Yeah, it's a weird phenomenon. I think it was the multiverse. The Situation Realm. All right. Sarah from Twitter has a situation for us. Your local wizard has sent you back to high school.

Okay. Freaking local wizard, man. So I'm going back to high school. To get back in your regular lives, you must ace an exam. What exam do you take? Oh, wow. This is based on modern day knowledge, which I have intentionally forgotten. So I have just recently helped, I mean all the time

I'm helping my children with their math but this week was finding the square root of a number which I thought, okay yeah, I can do that. I've got a calculator Well, sure, yeah but I mean I was just thinking like

I have no idea. I help people Can you remember Andy? No, hold, yeah. But I mean, I was just thinking like, you know. I have no idea. I help people. Yeah, can you remember? Can you remember, Andy? No, hold on. Okay, let's work through this. But the square root is a number times itself. The same two numbers multiplied together equal.

Exactly. Like nine is the square root of 81. You still know what it is. Step one, know what the square root is. Okay. How do you possibly figure that out without just going all right four times four 16 by process of elimination doing every number because i did a lot of math that way in high school i really did a couple hours they're doing stuff where it's like you know 3308 what is the square root and And it's like... That's impossible. Right. No one knows. Most things I...

To be determined. I can either remember, work my way back there, or... To your credit, you are very good with math, like with percentages and things that... Whenever we need that type of math... Yeah, you're our resident for the football show. You do all of our doc algorithms and stuff. That is true.

I think if you po pulled the people i would place in last on who they would expect to do that yeah well that that part's great that is andy and i get all the credit and do none of the work but we just learned what a square root was but but the craziest thing is like usually if i have to go watch a video to to remember i go oh okay oh it clicks in it clicks and you're ready to go not with the square root man this thing is impossible why do we ever need to know the square root of things because you've got a how do you figure it out you make a giant number tree and you find all the prime numbers and then you multiply the prime numbers if there's two of them that are the same each pair you take out of

the square root equation and then you multiply those by itself. It's this crazy convoluted thing where I was so happy that I couldn't remember. I was like, oh yeah, that makes sense why I did not retain this one. So I'm definitely not doing a math test. No, math would be a disaster for sure. I was actually super impressed when you said you help your kids with math because my son is now at the age in which he would need to help me with math, figuring out these things that I don't remember at all. So math is out the door. with math because my son is now at the age in which he would need to help me with math. Figuring out these things that I don't remember at all. So math is out the door.

Now, what about your writing skills? Because when you're in English and you're writing a paper, and I believe, Jason, you brought up that you had to do a citation thing recently. My sixth graders were doing an MLA formatted. There you go. I mean, i did i did mla format like works cited with a work site that's what we were working on but that was freshman year high school is probably when you started that i don't remember it until college no that was that was definitely high school i didn't do high school yeah that's true i mean i

went there i just didn't do the work which i'm surprised you didn't go back to high school then uh no but you are 100 right taking taking the English approach, the grammar and writing, because I think we've gotten better and better and better. The older we get, we still keep getting better. We read articles and we know- I don't think so. You think the writing one is the one you'd go with? 100%. Let me tell you why, though. We live in the world of autocorrect, grammatical correction, and a lot of that universe, when you start to sit down and really write. Now, if you keep up with it and you really, really write,

you write blogs and you write papers, you're probably on top of it. But I have been embarrassed by myself when I have tried to do that recently where I'm like you know my sister 10 years younger i'm like you got to look at this and tell me and she'll find tons of grammatical struggles or commas in the i don't remember rules that's the problem i don't remember the rules what if the test is about parts of a sentence oh the subject and the predicate yeah and you're like it's a prepositional for what like, it's a prepositional phrase. What is a prepositional phrase? Does anybody know what that is? That's like when you're really in love with a phrase

and you go on the top of a mountain and get on one knee. That's right. And you prepose to it? Yeah. Very nice. Now, that's a good point, Mike. This says it's a quiz, not an essay. It could be anything.

But a quiz in grammar and English would be those type of things. It says an exam. Okay. Because I'm thinking, okay, what other classes are there? You could go history. I was fascinated with history, so I might remember it the most. I am out. No way on planet Earth would I even get a 50% F on a history exam.

Yeah. What about a map of the United States? And to live or die, you've got to get half of it right. Geography, O-U-T. I'm out. I mean, it's got to be English. That's my best chance. Unless there's like a theater test.

I think what we've learned here is great news if you wanted to go back to high school because we're staying there. Yeah, I was going to say. We're staying there forever. Now, the nice thing about this question is it says you have to ace the exam to get back to your regular lives. If you don't ace it, you're right where you need to be. Eventually, I'll ace it. Eventually, you'll get it.

All right, Eric from the website. You are assigned with the challenge of making a three-ingredient sandwich that meets and replaces the BLT. What three ingredients will you choose to replace such a classic? Well, let me throw out something. I think I'll find some other people who believe this with me. The BLT just, I mean, it just kind of sucks. Well, here's a problem with the BLT is one third of the ingredients are terrible. Tomatoes. The tea. Yeah. I mean, give me a BL. Sure.

All right. Give me some B. Can I get the B, please? Yeah. Can I get a bacon sandwich? A BLT naturally comes with mayonnaise on it, right? Yeah, it does. So this whole thing where a three ingredient, that's a bit of a lie.

It's shenanigans. Bit of a farce. And the bread is so disrespected here. Yeah. They're a major part of this sandwich. B-B-L-T-M. That's right bit of a lie. It's shenanigans. It's a bit of a farce. And the bread is so disrespected here. Yeah. They're a major part of this sandwich. B-B-L-T-M. That's right. Well, here's the problem that I have with the basic BLT, beyond the tomato, which is a problem.

I don't find bacon alone to be a viable core meat to a sandwich. Okay. It is very crispy. You don't have a consistency, right? Unless you are really overloading the B, then you've got some consistency there. But I feel like bacon is a, it's a complimentary meat.

It is a secondary meat. Am I right? No, you're 100% right. My daughter, for a long time, when we'd go to Subway, my wife would let her get a bacon and cheese sandwich that was just what like on flatbread and i'm like you're that's you're not getting a sandwich it works though if you're putting the cheese on it that works for me yeah bacon and cheese but i but i had the same feeling you have where it's like this doesn't bacon will

work as the primary meat of an egg and cheese sandwich. Well, that's because the egg is the base. Because the egg is the core, is the base. I mean, we can go back to sentence structure here. I don't know what would be what. Yeah, prepositional pancreas. Yeah. How is it that bacon is so delicious and can go with so many things?

Oh, yeah. Bacon bits on top of something. My breakfast. How can I make this breakfast better? Oh, yeah, bacon bits on top of something. My breakfast. How can I make this breakfast better? Oh, I'll put some bacon. Yes. My salad. How am I going to make this salad better?

I know. I'll throw some bacon in. Oh, you want some mashed potatoes, Mike? Oh, make this better. Wait, hold on. You go bacon and your mashed potatoes? You go bacon. Oh, yeah, if you're loaded.

Bacon on top. Yeah, loaded. It's so normal. I don't even think about bacon. You forget they're there. I don't even think about bacon being in it. I just expect bacon to be everywhere. But it's everywhere.

But it's nothing. There's no soul. Bacon has no soul. I think we agree on that. They have a lot of cholesterol, though. But if you were rebuilding a three-ingredient sandwich. I'm starting with salami. Really?

Salami is my base meat. Okay. Really? Yeah. i think it is underrated i thought it was salami in my basement uh and it's super good because it's as delicious as as bacon for purposes of a sandwich but it's an official meat i mean salami it is a it is petition for official meat hood in one i like salami i'm just what's your base meat hood in one. I like salami. I'm just... What's your base meat, Mike? Let's start with base meats here. This is kind of like a draft, but what's your base meat?

Is it turkey? Oh, turkey. Roast beef. Beef is fine. I'm pretty boring though. As I disparage turkey, I will go with chicken. Is that like a chicken breast? Is that like sliced chicken?

Is that the... He was thinking deli chicken. Yeah. We were in the world of deli. Deli chicken, I feel like, is the least used of the deli meats. Yeah, because it's the second worst next to turkey. Okay. Wait.

You think turkey stinks too? Of course I do. Yeah, no one... Turkey. I mean, don't get me wrong. Get it out of here. It's healthy. My base meat is ham. Okay. Delicious. I mean, don't get me wrong. Get it out of here. It's healthy. My base meat is ham.

Oh, delicious. I can respect the ham. Guess what? Hot shot BLT. Listen up. You ever heard of a ham and cheese sandwich? That's two ingredients, and it's great. Ham and cheese sandwich is great.

They don't even need that third. No. You know what a ham and cheese sandwich uses? Mayo for its third ingredient. It doesn't try to skirt the three ingredient rule. Ham and cheese, baby. So cheese is definitely the next ingredient so it's got to be for me salami cheese cheese is what's your best cheese who my best cheese is i hate to say this i really do but it's the honest truth it's america

oh no no yeah is that the fake cheese it's it's craft singles man i'm telling you it's the honest truth. It's American cheese. Oh, no. Is that the fake cheese? It's Kraft Singles, man. I'm telling you. It's not even cheese. It don't matter. It's so good. I see Al Borland shaking his head. Now, we're missing the best base meat. Are you going with like a steak or like a roast beef?

Oh, okay. You know what? Pastrami? I've grown into my love of pastrami. Pastrami is at least. That might be the best. Oh, my gosh. A pastrami? I've grown into my love of pastrami. Pastrami is at least. That might be the best. Oh, my gosh. A pastrami with some like coleslaw?

Yeah. A pastrami. Okay. I would go pastrami, Thousand Island, coleslaw. Okay. I'm with Mike. That's my sandwich. I mean, I won't see tomorrow.

Honestly, can we go? But I will eat that sandwich all the time. I'm going salami, Kraft single, and I got to have crunch, so I'm going either lettuce or onion. Lettuce if it's allowed. Oh, man. Onion. I'm sure it's fine.

It's just the thought of it. Salami, a fake plastic cheese, and onion. Sounds good, doesn't it? All right. James from Patreon. Thank you, doesn't it? All right. James from Patreon. Thank you for your support. Has a question. No, I'm going to go with this one.

Joe from the website. Oh. Without using any numbers, describe your weight to somebody. Oh, okay. All right. We did this with our height before. Okay, that's what's familiar to me. So without using any numbers, describe your weight to somebody.

Now, what is a stone? That's what's familiar to me. So without using any numbers, describe your weight to somebody. Now, what is a stone? As in like for weight. You know, like people are like, what do you weigh? Oh, about two stone. Is that 100 pounds? No, I think it's like 15 pounds. So if you weigh.

14. Yeah, a stone to me is a rock that you pick up with two hands. I know that, but hold on. 14 pounds? Yes. That's 14 pounds? Yes. That's a stone? Yes. Okay. I can't weigh like 52 stones.

52? Do the math on that. I told you I don't know what a square root is. Give me 52 times 14. 728. Yeah, what's wrong with that? How much do you guys weigh? But the thing is, across the globe, that is actually the more common way to tell weight.

So you can't use stone. You're also still using numbers. Yeah, you're using numbers. Here's what I would say to someone. I weigh way more than you think. That's what I would say to them. And they'd say, no. I'd be like, no, just whatever number is in your head is larger than

that add 20 and then add another five huh i'm yeah i'm under i weigh way more that's your have you ever lifted something now imagine not being able to lift something what's the heaviest thing you can lift lift two of them at once yeah that's me okay what is the average amount of weight a person can carry i'd for like i think i've got mine uh my weight they say how much do you weigh a sturdy desk oh okay yeah people are weird because they're you know lifting them is it's hard they're long a desk well not a desk too i But, I mean, I get that. Like a desk and a person, sometimes something that weighs more, if it's in the right compact form, you can carry easier than something that weighs less but is misshapen, like your body.

I think Mike's comp is perfect here. A sturdy desk because I can visualize it. I know we're not talking about some cheap IKEA screw-the-legs-on thing. A wooden desk. Yeah, this is oak it's just a sturdy desk and jason just says like a sturdy desk but you leave the drawers in i feel like if we're going with a sturdy desk but way more than you think a sturdy desk weighs if rich mahogany um a dense wood if we're going with a comp, I would think more like a washing machine.

So I'm about like your washing machine. I'm a stove. Yeah, I'm a stove, a washing machine. I would say you'd need a dolly. Yes, if you want to bring me over to that curb over there, you're going to want to wheel me on a dolly yes if you want if you want to bring me over to that curb over there you're gonna want to wheel me on a dolly oh this is not this is a setup this is a two-person lift situation right yeah yeah team assembly required all right i want doing a draft and uh we are drafting future technologies that we wish we had now so this feels like it could be very wide-reaching. But what's the kind of core of this draft?

Basically just anything that we think should exist. And we hope someday exists. Yeah, I think that that's... I mean, we hope someday exists. Some of mine are pretty... I don't know if they could actually make this. Well, look, I'm going to kick it off. I was going to wonder how constrained we are.

But let's just let it go. And then if Al wants to buzz in with his infamous voice. Hey, guys. Hey, it's me, Al. It's me, Al. That was not allowed. This is me, Al. Yeah, if he wants to do that.

And just so everybody listening knows, that was. That wasn't him. That wasn't him. I know it sounded like a recording that we played. That was just a goof. It was an impersonation that was spot on. So if you need to veto something, veto it out. Otherwise, butt out.

All right. All right. Well, I'm going to start with something that if anything could be vetoed, it would be this. And this can't be vetoed. All right. Guess we're good. I just established it. This is something that would change the way that the world works change where you live to work

change how i mean every industry imaginable and i can't wait because i do believe that the science says that it's real not in our lifetimes teleportation number one on my list yes number one on my list too science i don't i think science says that it actually will never happen. But you need to dig deeper, my man. You need to head over. Yeah. What's the square root of impossible? It's the quantum entanglement theory that that allows hope that teleportation could exist.

But I think that that would be one of those. I mean, that would just be crazy awesome. That's a whole show. Yeah. Right. There's a whole show. Yes. Right there is a whole show of, like, if you're reassembled somewhere else, is it actually you and blah, blah, blah. Was it a prestige situation? Yes.

What's funny is that I did think that because the possibilities were endless here that there was a chance you wouldn't take it. And with the second pick, I'm a little sad because that's the obvious number one pick. You're right. It would change how you work. Even super fast travel would do that, right? If you could travel from here to California in 10 minutes, you can live anywhere and work anywhere. And that would be pretty crazy to have people bebopping all over the country. But that was certainly the dream as a kid for every road trip,

that I could just teleport there. All right, so I got to make my first pick. All right, well, you've made it easier on me because I'm going to go with one that would affect, I don't know, everything. I mean, we all live a certain amount of life, and we all sleep a lot. And if you could pretty much just eliminate that portion, think about how much life you would get. So my theoretical technology is something that changes the way you sleep so that you only have to sleep 10 minutes, 20 minutes.

It gets you the compact REM cycle, whatever you want to say. It's basically like— Basically, you don't need to sleep. It's speed sleep. Yeah, you're't need to sleep. It's speed sleep. Yeah, you're basically... Andy has invented amphetamines. No. I say something for eliminating sleep.

Let's just put it that way. But your body is still recharged. But your body is still recharged. You get all the benefits as if you slept, but it's the equivalent of taking a pill, and you don't have to go to sleep. You know what I mean? Yeah, and you don't come crashing down later.

You are well-rested at all times through 24 hours. You're getting twice as much life. I'm basically thinking I walk up to my bed, I lay down, I hook some up to my arm, I push a button, I wake up 10 minutes later, and I get to start the day. But here's what's crazy. You don't. You get to start the night.

So now that's something that's really weird. But the night is the day in this world. Well, sure, except for the light part of it. You can't really go outside and do as much in the midnight to 4 a.m. hours. Now, that's part of your waking hours. But I think we would be a little bit more limited and or a little bit more depressed living in a lightless world half the time. The mole people are very happy.

They're very happy. No, just getting that time back. There's always been that risk. We were talking before the show about I said I was going to watch some movie tonight. And you go, I give that odds about 4%. And I go, yeah, you're right, because I don't got time for nothing. I'm getting eight hours every day for the rest of my life.

Of movie watching time into my life. Maybe we work then. Maybe that's when we work. I don't know. And then you're up during the day and you don't have to work. Alright. That's actually a great idea. Yeah. Alright. Now, it's tough. I was checking with the judge.

I needed a ruling on this one because to me it's... Great. Now, it's tough. I was checking with the judge. I needed a ruling on this one because to me it's – Great. Well, here's the problem with this is it's not as fun, but I also don't – I don't want one of you rapscallions to take this away. Look, if teleportation is on the table, how is time travel not on the table? What did the judge say? The judge agreed with me. But if we want to rule that out.

That's why I was actually curious about the teleportation one. I am happy to rule that out just knowing that you two cannot take that. We won't take it. That's fair. That's off the table for all of us. Let's try to keep it to something that is more pragmatic. All right uh so number one i it's funny you alluded to the food thing yeah i want a i want something that can make food and to like to make it into practical terms i'll just say a 3d food printing machine you want a food replicator yes this is from star trek yes food

replicators next on my list yeah it's prince foods but I mean like I don't know if we'll ever get to that level where it's the replicator maybe we will yeah but it can genetically constructed like a 3d printer can yeah creates an object it creates food yeah and then it just puts little chemicals on it just like McDonald's does so everything tastes really good I 100 everything for Mike comes down to can he stop making dinner? I mean. Bro, I am seen right now. I started thinking when you brought this up, I'm going, this next birthday present, we have got to figure out a way to get dinner made in his house.

We got you one month of a chef. Yeah, somebody to come in and live life. I am seen right now. I hate it. Oh, all right you get two picks though so uh fix another problem all right so i'm gonna take the 3d printer and so i'm torn between a couple of these things here um all right i'll take this one good like i said i'm not solving world problems over here i'm just drafted stuff that is cool just solving dinner all right well yeah i mean that's that's now handled my other problem now so we we recently talked about kevin costner because we just talked about kevin costner on the office. Yeah, we schedule meetings about him. At least three times a day.

In the movie Waterworld, where my man can breathe under the water. Okay. Because he has gills behind his ears. If I can get some kind of bionic gill situation, and I know I can put on a scuba tank. No, no, no, no. No, I don't have to get ready. I'm always ready. I just jump in that water, and, no, no, no. No, I don't have to get ready. I'm always ready. I just jump in that water and I can breathe, my man.

I can swim around for any amount of time that I want to. That's absolutely a good and fair pick for something like this. Having some sort of modification to your body is something that will continue to come. They already have the Elon Musk brain chip thing that they're figuring out. Oh, the Neuralink? Yeah, the Neuralink. I mean, being able to genetically modify your body to do more is absolutely a good thing. And if they want to put it behind my ears, fine. I'm in on that.

Now, if I have to go like the deep from the boys where my entire chest is just gills, I don't think I'm in on that. Okay. All right. I like that. I like that. All right. I am going to go with a pick here that, like, I doubt we're stealing a lot of each other's

picks. Bionic Gills wasn't on my list. You know, I missed that one on my list. But you guys overlooked it. And this one seems, I don't know how you want to describe it, Al, but I would love the technology where your body is basically, you're being monitored for everything health-wise just in the cloud all the time. So the kind of example would be you wake up and you go pee in the toilet and somehow it scans your pee and it knows everything about you. And it's like, you have some abnormal cells.

You should get, like, this is how you get rid of all disease, right? Eat less cheeseburgers. Right, right. You can't tell me what to do, toilet. But the idea is... Take a dump on you. This is what you get. Eat this. Yes!

That might be the best joke that's ever been said on this show. Eat this. I can't make a compelling argument for this anymore. Oh, man. Sorry. Eat this. so eat this i can't make a compelling argument for this anymore oh man oh my gosh yeah i think um i think we're done with that pick oh i love it so uh yeah it so uh yeah yep all of health is uh oh sorry no i like it health monitoring like well look you you don't get uh if people could be monitored for like if if something new that you had an abnormal cancer cell in your body the first one cancer wouldn't exist anymore if because half the time that you hear about people recovering it's like oh man i broke my leg and they did a scan

and they found a mass right and they didn't know like, oh, man, I broke my leg, and they did a scan, and they found a mass, right? And they didn't know it was there, and thank goodness I broke my leg. It's all about being able to detect it. All right. That's a good pick. It's something similar is on my list. I think that's a solid pick, and I think we'll get there. Yeah.

With the health monitoring. It's just, you know i mean we just need to get way more advanced we need to be able to do at home blood tests and all that stuff but if you could just know but you gotta be able to do a blood test without but that would make you more intrusive right that's why it's a device or something that's just running it all the time it would be neat though if it said something to you mike it was just like hey you know this this vitamins low you you'll feel better if you have this vitamin. That'd be cool. That would be great. Yeah. Alright.

Because you're always just guessing. You're like, man, I think I'm low on iron. That's right. That must be why I'm so tired. We have a bunch of Flintstones now. Alright, Jason. This is really tough because I've got so many that I want. Narrowing it down here and actually picking

one, I feel like is an insult well you've got all my other options um so if that's the case i think i've got to go with something that's just cool and fun and i'm going with safe jetpacks personal aircraft is on my list yeah i mean that's really cool to fly i'm the rocket man dude you're the rocketeer yes the rocket oh my goodness the rocketeer as a kid yes that movie was ridiculous that was the best i just think it would be so cool just just go in my backyard take off i'm in andy's backyard hey here i am Get out of my yard, man. I know I could have teleported here, but I wanted to see the sky. See, that's what it is for me, where I'd rather, I wish both of these existed.

I wish I could teleport because I don't want to spend the time traveling. But there's times where I just want to go up in the air and look down at the earth and see what's going on up there. Who knows? All right. I'm in on that you have another i have another pick and i am going to go with space tourism no yeah that's my next pick space tours bro moon hotel is on my list there There's a whole industry. I can go to the moon.

You want to go see Jupiter. You know, I could go wherever. You know, it's like in Total Recall where you just, I'm going to go to some... I don't have any pics left. ...tourism company. And, oh man, I could give you my list.

It's incredible. Dang it. But that would be awesome. Fly around from planet to planet. Yeah. And I'm sure in between planets, because of long travel, it would be like a cruise ship, just full resort, all-you-can-eat buffets. That's how my space tourism industry is.

Oh, my gosh. Space tours would be incredible. If we ever get to the point where you can safely do that what a we will unbelievable well we won't well yeah we people yeah i don't well we got a 98 year old mike cruising up into the when do we get to mars it'll be a while you think it'll be 30 years 30 i would say 30 years i think 30 okay yeah it interesting. I think it could be under 30. Jason, check this watch. I literally checked my watch like-

29 years and 19 days. What am I looking at on my watch to tell me something like, oh, it's 207 PM. By that calculation- Yeah, about 30 years. I'm going to set a little timer here, a little 30 year timer. Okay. Can we make it yet? The clock is running. You called yourself out. So no space tours are great. Um, all right. Well, I'm, I'm in a tizzy now because I have, do I have all my picks? Cool. I don't. Um, all right. I, I feel like i'm almost piggybacking mike hopefully it's okay but i i think i got a

strong back biome bionic eyeballs is the thing that i was going to go with okay and in part of that is like all this technology that we have in our phones and stuff like that it would be neat if it was just kind of integrated oh yeah man and so like if i get a little notification or an email now that may seem like like i need to put it on do not disturb sometimes, but being able to just pull stuff up on my, I guess that would be like my mind's eye. Or you would have like a HUD built into your eye. Bionic eyes are one of my truest dreams for my lifetime.

My eyes are already bad. I've got glasses. I need to update my prescription as it is but even when i'm to a 2020 vision i feel like i don't see well unless it's well lit and i can't wait because i think that'll happen someday i'll be front of the line how weird will that be though when you have to make the decision to get rid of your realized trust a bionic eye I'll be in the middle of the line Let some people Go on ahead and pave the way

Maybe you go one eye at a time Maybe But I do think What you could do with your eyes Being technology based Would replace so many things It would be incredible Al Borland says that's about The part of the line he'll be in for all future vaccines would replace so many things. It would be incredible. All right.

Al Borland says that's about the part of the line he'll be in for all future vaccines. Right in the middle of the line. Okay. So, Mike, you're back on the clock. All right. I have two picks here that kind of stinks because one of my picks I was going to go with is very similar to the bionic eye.

I guess I'll talk about it at the end of the draft. My first one, I am a – if you've never checked us out on YouTube, YouTube.com slash – what is it? Spitballers? I don't know. What is it, Al? That's correct. All right.

We're there on YouTube. I am a heavily tattooed person. I love tattoos. I like getting tattoos. If you're into it, nothing beats getting a brand new tattoo. But it's there. And it's there. It's not changing unless you go have an artist work on it.

But if I could somehow get a digital tattoo where essentially it's just, I guess I'm putting an OLED in my arm. And then I have an app, and I just get to pick which tattoo I have that particular day. Interesting. How am I feeling? Maybe I can write messages to people. I don't know.

I wonder. Now, I'm not tattooed, and you are, and I have two questions for you. One, do you have tattoos that you wish you could get rid of now or no? I mean, my first tattoo is is terrible okay i mean it's part of me it's part of the lore and story of my life right but if it was a screen and i could just you'd upgrade it yeah you'd upgrade the software uh the second question is i wondered one it'd be super cool right you could change brightness or colors or stuff but i wondered if it would devalue what a tattoo is in the sense that-

It would change it. You make a permanent decision to, and that adds to why you love it. Well, yeah. And part of the tattoo is the whole process of you have, sort of in a way, you have earned your tattoo. I mean, you sat there- All through the pain, too. For hours of the pain of the tattoo.

And you're like, this is- So there is a- the pain of the tattoo. And you're like, this is... So there is a... It's a cool idea. I know some tribalism, some other things built into the tattoo. But if you could change it all the time... I feel like everybody... That would be pretty sweet. Everybody would.

Everybody would do it. Because I would do it. Because if I don't want tattoos right now, I don't have tattoos. But then when I want, you know, it's like, oh... Maybe make the procedure to get the digital tattoo very painful. Yeah. There you go. It's really hot out right now.

I don't want to wear a shirt. I could just, boom, I'm wearing a shirt now on my tattoo. Yeah, except your shirt would look like body paint. Yeah, I've seen it done. All right. So I like that. That's a good pick, digital tattoos. You've got some food.

You've got gills, and you've got tattoos. What do you got next, Mike? We already mentioned it in passing, but I will take the neural link, please. Okay. I will take the chip in the brain. I am now connected to the internet. Yeah, I know. I'm open to hacking.

Whatever. I'm not worried about that right now. I know I'm open to hacking, whatever. I'm not worried about that right now. But being able to access all sorts of information, being able to interface with technology. Yeah. Thinking about, I need my lights on. I just thought about it and my lights are now on. I think that would be very cool.

Now, does this process let you learn? I guess it would. In a way, it would. Because I've got the Matrix learning system on my list. So I'm going to give that to you. Okay. I feel like part of my bionic eyes was meant to be that answer because it was basically pulling up information and your eyes are the HUD.

Sure. So I'm not really trying to take that from you, but I also feel like that was the spirit of mine as well. I apologize. I thought you were just analyzing take that from you, but I also feel like that was the spirit of mine as well. I apologize. I thought you were just analyzing information that was in front of you. No, it's okay. We're good. I don't care.

What was the biggest volcano eruption? You can't use your bionic eyes to figure that out. Right, right. Just check my email. Okay. You need to know all eruptions. You can check the email that I sent you from my brain chip. And you can't access your Neuralink because I'm taking all eyes, unfortunately.

I get all of them. All right. You've got the Neuralink to finish it up. I am sad I don't have space tours. I'm going to take... Am I? Am I? Do I want two sleep-based picks?

Andy's very into sleep. Or very against sleep. Yeah, or yeah, very anti. No, see, what I'm struggling with here, and I don't care if, like, I know Jason has a pick left, but I'm struggling with, like, the real time travel exists. There is a real time travel that you could,

which is the cryo sleep. Like cryo sleep? Cry a real time travel that you could that you which is the cryo sleep cryo sleep is something where you could that allows space travel that allows you to if you wanted to you're like hey peace out for 200 years peace out family well you and your family can do it together i mean so that would be one of them but i will go with like um i think everyone in 2020 would take it right now yeah Yeah, just wait until the... Unless you don't wake up. I'll go with a... What would I call this?

A batch of... Ambient. Personal help drones, okay? So the technology on AI and robotics gets so good that instead of the thought of hiring a human staff to handle all of the cleaning and cooking and all of those things, you would have such smart technology that it's handling these things that you're back in call. So whatever you want to say that is, is that a horde of helpful drones?

Is that a bunch of AI robots that are your staff? I don't know. You're getting robot butlers. Robo butler. Robo butler. getting robot butlers. Robo butler. Robo butler. Robo butler. You drafted, what was her name in the Jetsons? Rosie?

Oh, yeah. Well done. Because if you had left it at what was her name in the Jetsons, Jason and I were not here to help. I was going to say Judy. Daughter Judy. Come on, Jason. That's why.

Who's his wife? Jane. Jane. Oh, goodness gracious. That's what I was why. Who's his wife? Andy. Jane. Jane. Goodness gracious. That's what I was saying. What's his name? Jeff Jetson.

Jeffrey Jetson. That one I think I know. That's George, right? Yes. I knew it was a J. All right. We'll finish it up because people will want it now. Who was a J like George?

George with a J. All right. His son. His son. His son. Oh, we're doing the whole family. Well, people are going to want to make... Neptune? Elroy.

Elroy. Yeah, that's what I was about to say. You didn't let me say it. All right, final pick here. His boy, Neptune. I have so many. I thought for a second... Who am I thinking of with the...

Isn't there a kid's show with Neptune in it? Anybody? Bueller? Joey Neptune? Oh, yeah. There we go. Oh, Joey Neutron? Yeah, baby.

Jimmy Neutron? That's who I was thinking of. Joey. Joey Neptune. His best friends are Jimmy Neutron. You bet your bottom dollar. Oh, mercy. All right.

When you said, am I really going to take two sleep things, I thought for a second you were going to take what really all of us want. It's not as out there as space tourism, but just an actual successful temperature controlled bed and pillow. I mean, someday, right? Someday they'll be able to do this, but that's not what I'm picking here. There are so many things I want, but the true thing I want more than anything is the 100% real experience AR VR world. Oh, the holodeck.

Yes. You want the holodeck. Whether it's the holodeck or the oasis in ready player one i want the true virtual reality that is full immersion immersion run around movement now see this is what exactly what i meant by i wonder how far you guys will go compared to me because uh on my list i was i just had vr glasses so it's not like like VR is insane. If you've never tried it out, an Oculus,

hashtag not a sponsor, the first time when you put that thing on, it is, you, it is truly unbelievable. But it's, it's heavy. It can be cumbersome.

I just want glasses that do the same exact thing. But Jason's over here. I want the holodeck. The funny thing about VR and in the holodeck, if you want to tease this out a little bit, is the fact that you have to move. This is not watching television.

This is not playing a video game at your computer desk. If you want to be in the holodeck, you want to be on the pirate ship, you want to be in the Himalayas, you're walking in the Himalayas. That's not where I'm going. You might put some cheat codes in there. If you die in the holode himalayas you you're walking in the himalayas that's not where i'm going you might put some cheat codes in there you die in the holodeck do you die for real no of course no that's it it does shut down the system though and then you look around and you go

oh man yeah um what other things this that was it right that was the last page yeah it was yeah what other things we have on our list i had on my list you guys took a bunch of you you guys took pieces so i didn't feel like it was appropriate but talk about not going far enough the robotic body where you just you know you you you put your consciousness what was that into i think we've talked about that bruce willis it was oh i had the name until you said that all right sorry is that the one with Gordon Hewitt? That movie? No, no. Different one where they are the...

Surrogates. Yes, surrogates. So you just put your consciousness in another body. Exactly. You lay down a little machine and then you wake up somewhere else in this other... I know Mike would bring up just uploading your consciousness into the cloud. Space travel in general. I mean, like a spaceship

could have been a pick yeah like being flying cars that's something we all grew up you know saying like i want flying cars yeah that'd be cool this is let me just explain as we close the show out exactly why it was cooler being a kid than an adult every one of these ideas that you bring up that i think are really cool i end up with an impulse that's like, that might be really unsafe. If I go on a space tour, will that be safe? If I get a new space, I mean. First off, why is Al Borland complaining about space tourism over there? I know, I did a good about. Bowel Borland.

We got to go. What did we learn today? Eat this. I learned that I would get in major fights with my medical toilet. Yeah, I learned that Mike has a greater than Jason or I affinity for breathing underwater. Oh, yeah. Come on. You don't want those bio gills?

If I had bio gills, I would go under, but I can't open my eyes underwater. So I'd be like, now I need need help me you can put goggles on oh i'd have to all right what'd you learn today i learned that uh the blt is a sham it masquerades as a three ingredient sandwich and it is not because it's the mayonnaise that makes it. Yeah, it's no good. No good. The suit makes the man. The mayonnaise makes the BLT. And the tomato, throw it in the trash. All right, Joey Neptune, eat this.

See you later. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.