Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Favorite Show Moments & Honey I Shrunk The Draft - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

With Andy out this week to tend to his son, we were unable to record a new episode. We will be back next week with some fresh laughs. Until then, enjoy some of our favorite moments from the first 100 shows!  Spit Hit for November 8th, 2021: EPISODE 100! They said it couldn’t & wouldn’t be done. And to be honest, we were never certain either. But thanks to your loyal support - the potty talk, dad jokes, & family friendly humor has prevailed. On today’s episode we take a look back at some of YOUR favorite show moments. We close this one out with a hilarious, brand new, mini-draft. Tune in! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads. It has been a crazy week here at the Ballers headquarters as we have been without our fearless leader and host, Andy Holloway. Grandfather. Yes, Grandfather Andy. He's been tending to his family, taking care of his kids. Unfortunately, one of them came down with COVID, so that has been a situation that we've been trying to move and shake

and figure out how do we keep things going. So we're going to hit you this week with a spit hit. We will be back next week with a brand-new fresh episode. But Al Borland, I'm – He picked something special here. I am guaranteeing that this episode will be fantastic. Probably the best one you've listened to. You will laugh your butt off.

In your life. So enjoy the show. Spitwads, the holidays are just around the corner. Are you looking for a perfect gift for your loved one? We know, like, we were reminded more than ever, you know, family, memories. These things are important. And what a better way to share a memory than with a photograph. But the old busted photographs, Jason.

Oh, those don't work anymore. I had to pick one? Not anymore. Not with Skylight Frames. Skylight Frame, it's a photo frame and you can update it instantly by email from anywhere. It's a great way to feel close to those you love, even when you're separated. Sets up

effortlessly in under 60 seconds. You just plug it in, use the touchscreen, you connect to the wireless network, and enjoy. I just got a skylight frame it's fantastic man like i digital frames they've been around for a while and it was a good concept but that execution yeah they never we weren't ready the world wasn't ready the tech wasn't ready and it is now with the skylight frames check them out they have have 100% satisfaction guaranteed. If you don't love it, they're going to give you a full refund because they trusted their product.

Now as a special offer, you can get $10 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame when you go to skylightframe.com and enter the code BALLERS. That's right, $10 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame. Just go to skylightframe.com, code BALLERS. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E.com, promo code BALLERS. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

Let's get it. Bop, boop, beep, bop, doodly-doo. Hoot-a-bop-a-shoot-a-meet-a-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah- bad baby to do. I can't even come in after that, Jason. What was that? How can you follow up greatness like that, Mike? Hey, great idea, guys. Let's do a group scat for episode 100. And I'll just tank it right in the middle. Yeah. It was all a trick on you, Mike.

Try to come in after this. I was going to say, Jason needed to be the caboose to that scat. Poor Mike. Poor Mike. Show 200. Oh yeah, we're going to try again 100 episodes from now. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast

Danny, Mike, and Jason episode 100. Woo! We did it. we did it. We did it. Can you believe it, Al? Can you believe it? Al Borland with us. I never had any doubts we'd make it. No, no. I don't know if we did. I don't know if we really made it.

We certainly recorded 100 episodes. But this is a special, special episode for the spitwads out there. First of all, thank you so much for supporting this show. It is, it's been a wild ride. It's been a lot of fun to see how much joy this random assortment of dad jokes has brought you on a regular basis. And thank you for supporting the pod. Thank you for all of the great ideas leading to amazing drafts and segments.

It's been a blast, right? I mean, this has been... It's been something. It's been something. It's been a lot of fun. I mean, look, when we took home, you know, the Podcast Awards Best Comedy Show in the first year of existence... That's true. I would say we did something here.

I didn't even know that. Thank you. Thank you, Jason. You're so humble. But yeah, we are the funniest show of all time. So we want to remind you of that. Remind you of that because today's episode is very special. Like I said, we have a brand new draft. It's called Honey, I Shrunk the Draft. You'll find out what that means. Oh, gosh. It's going to be hard. At the end of this episode. It's going to be difficult. I'm nervous. But you'll find that out momentarily.

But first, I want to remind you, you can find us on Twitter, at SpitballersPod. Appreciate you following us over there. And on Instagram, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. All of the Spitwads supporting the show, we appreciate you. And everybody who's left a review thank you they are wonderful they uh they brighten my day every time i see somebody that is having a good time with the show so today we're gonna we're gonna give you the highlights of 100 episodes and this is not some we just randomly pick one here or there I mean Al Borland went to town on this he's been working on this

for weeks so he's picked out some of the well first you asked the spit wads out there did you not Al yeah we turned to the listeners and said hey what are some of your favorite moments in spitballers history and the ones that got the most responses we made a little montage for you

yeah so basically they picked them yeah so if you don't like it it's yeah it's really that's all on you man so we've got some of our uh favorite moments from the last 100 episodes and then stay tuned for right after that we're going to get into a brand new draft on today's show i am i am looking feverishly around my room. So am I. Now trying to think for this draft. I'm like, oh, no. Oh, no. I'm not prepared.

This is going to be amazing. All right. Let's jump right into the highlights, and we're going to kick it off with our first scat ever. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I feel like Mike went from just massive opposition of what was happening to like, I got to get in.

I got to get in. I got to get in. And he saved us because ours were terrible. And then he's like, all right, let the music man in here. Clean up. Clean up. Clean up. They call the heavy hitters for the riff. What's funny is I was in my head. I was doing that.

And then when you. I've been doing that for weeks, man. When you verbalized it. Oh, I just let the cat out the bag. It's a hot tune. It is. Mike laid down the track and we ruined it. No, man, I missed out not having you guys in on the studio there.

That's right. That's right. I feel like I have joined the worst. Oh. Because we have, I don't know if you've noticed, there's a movement that has replaced the vegans and the crossbreeds. Oh, it's the ketoers. It's the keto people, and I am firmly, I feel like I am a part of it.

Explain what keto is to those unaware of your actions. And just to interject, because of what Mike's saying, it's true. No one out there does not know what keto is. Because if you keto, you talk, first rule of keto is you talk about keto. Go on, Mike. It's the ketogenic. It's like vegan. It's a diet where essentially.

Except it's the exact opposite of vegan. I think vegans would argue it's not a diet. Vegans would argue it's a lifestyle. Well, keto is a bit of a lifestyle, too. I don't know if you know this. Well, keto is a bit of a lifestyle, too. I don't know if you know this, but the breaking it down is essentially it's a zero or very low carb and higher fat style of diet. So you should have been instantly going after the slow fat ones. Yeah, you're keto, man.

What were you thinking? You're keto. You need that high fat. You got to get the high fat. Oh, my ketones have been off the charts. Yeah. Human avocados?, my ketones would have been off the charts. Yeah. Human. Avocados. Human-induced ketones.

Did you call them human avocados? Did you just refer to fat people as human avocados? I thought that one might have snuck through. Not letting that one go. I feel like you just called me an avocado, which I don't know. I guess I'm not too disappointed with. For the record, it would be more of a bag of avocados. Thanks, bud.

So this is a simple one. It's been asked aplenty. But I want to know from you guys, what would you do? A genie has emerged from wherever. Where do you even find genies these days? The lamp. Where do you find those lamps? Lamps Plus. You have to go to Lamps Plus, and you've got a lot of work to do.

A lot of rubbing. A lot of lamps in there. A lot of rubbing. You've got to find the right one, but it appears we found it. Yes. And what do we do? I'll start us off with my first wish because I know it. I'm so confident.

Something you've thought about. Something I've thought about before. Before you launch into it, there's really the two questions you have to ask yourself. I've got the three wishes. Am I going personal gain or am I helping out humankind? Right. And I think there's

other forks in the road there, but I'm going with the ladder, I believe. Of helping humans? Of helping humans. I think he with the ladder, I believe. Of helping humans? Of helping humans. I think he said a ladder. So your first wish is a ladder. No, dang it. Did I just lose a wish?

You lost a wish. I didn't say I wish. You have a ladder. Now what else do you have with your last two wishes? Oh, man. Now I feel like I can't. It's a big one, though. The biggest ladder that ever was.

Well, it better. If this was one of my wishes, I'm asking for the Guinness Book of World Records ladder. Mostly so I could sell, because here's a little thing I found out about myself. You're going to use a genie to sell ladders. Because my plans are foolproof. Let's pull this back for a second, and I want to focus on the realities of the situation. Jason has used two wishes, and he's in a room, and he has a ladder, and there's no sweet potatoes left in the world.

That is where we're at. A ladder, no sweet potatoes. And are you sitting there going, man, that was a great use of two wishes. So far, so good. So far, so good. And then for my third wish, I'm going to wish for $100,000. What? $100,000.

That's right. I know I can wish for a whole lot more. People will get suspicious, though. Yeah. Taxes. You know how hard it is to launder a billion dollars? Do you have to launder it if it's cash? I don't know if it's from a genie.

Are you asking for a check from the genie? I definitely want cash. You have to get unmarked bills. You need Bitcoin. It's a little too volatile right now. I'm going to ask the genie for a briefcase full of

cash for $100,000. And you'll have at least $300-000, $400,000 more coming in with the ladder. I won't. Yes, it's a really nice ladder. I think upwards of $500. So $100,000, $500, and I have rid the world of sweet potatoes. You're welcome. What's the worst?

Oh, that's another one. The worst show you've had to endure from the kids. Oh man, there's so many. I know the list is huge. Oh, what's the bald little boy? Oh, freaking Caillou. Caillou is the worst. That annoying little, he's bald.

He's like six years old in this show. Why is he bald? Oh my gosh, I hate Caillou. If you couldn't tell. Oh yeah, you hit a home run there. Caillou, he does. He's full Charlie Brown in it. He is a whiny baby.

How does one spell Caillou? No, no, no. C-A-I-L-L-O-U. Oh, Caillou. Just look at how he spells. Think about his name. His name is Caillou. That's the Prius of kids shows.

Oh, he's going to grow up and drive a Prius if they still existed. Wow. So Caillou has eyebrows. He just has no hair. Yeah, he's bald. They shaved his head. His parents shaved his head. And all his friends, I'm looking at his friends they all have hair watch one episode to see over under 50 times whiny baby stuff come out of that kid's mouth and it's

supposed to be like this calm like okay one of those just a whiny baby yeah what wow uh so there's a um there's a chain of people that have asked the question, because I was worried about this when you went off on the baldness. Does he have cancer? So people have searched, does Caillou have cancer? And here's the response. If you're not familiar, you lucky person, Caillou is a despicable, spineless, four-year-old boy who cannot do anything. He can't grow hair, not because he has cancer or progeria,

but because he sucks. And even his own body recognizes that he does not deserve hair or food or love. Yes! Get bodied, Caillou! So that is the, if you search for why is Caillou bald, that's the answer you get. Oh, no. In Google answers, which may be the funniest thing I have heard in a really long time.

Oh, man. The internet is undefeated. Oh, it certainly is. So Caillou is the worst. It is a dark night, but not the kind we talked about earlier. This is the real, like, not the dark night. Oh, okay. Imagine it is a dark night.

You are alone. It is raining outside. Oh, that's nice. You hear someone walking around outside your window. Creepy. Who do you wish was there with you? Okay. Hmm.

Who do you wish was there with you? Okay. Hmm. Who do you wish was there with you? Okay. Got it. Okay. Batman. I could be there. No, you would be Bruce Wayne, and you would be drunk. No.

So I don't want drunk Bruce Wayne. I still have the bat suit on. You probably only have, at this point, you're just wearing the utility belt. He's throwing the bat knives at all. That's it. The utility belt between you. Wait, is this the whole question of just who do you want with you? The question is you're in that situation,

and you could bear that out any way you want. You are in a home. Yeah, you're at home. And you're alone. And then you hear something. And who do you want with you in that moment? Because there's two answers. There's someone that realistically could be there with you in your life right now.

And then there's the hypothetical Batman. Or Superman or a police officer. Or I'll take a sharpshooter. Yeah, I was thinking Elon Musk. That was who, I mean, look. Why? Totally unrelated to the person outside. I think it would just be cool.

Because you want to have a conversation with Elon. Yeah, so you want to die with? Wait, I have to die here? You gave me an idea with your Elon Musk theory. Because, okay, I'm chatting it up. I got a friend over. We're playing some board game. We're playing war with the cards.

But can this guy also help me out at the same time? But I also get to have a cool conversation with him. It's Mark Wahlberg. It's absolutely Mark. It's Mark Wahlberg because... Hey, Mike. Hey, Mark. Hey, what's up?

Oh, man, Mark. You hear that sound? I'm so glad you could be here tonight. Are you worried about that window, man? No. Say hi to your mother for me. Say hi to your mother for me. Should we close the window, Mark?

No, man. I'm cool. I like the rain. Say hi to your mother for me. What's your take on Dungeons and Dragons? Hey, dude outside. You want to come in, share a bite, have a sandwich? Hey, come on in.

Say hi to your mother for me. Yeah, absolutely. Mark Wahlberg will become best friends with the burglar. He will either befriend the burglar or take care of business. He's a tough dude. Hold on. Can a case be made for Adolf Hitler here? What? What? What Hitler here? What?

What? What? What? What just happened? Can a case? So many reasons. No. No, no, no.

Hold on. Hold on. Can a case be made that you want that person with you to be the obvious choice of the one entering the home. If I am in a situation with a home invasion and they come in and it's me or Hitler. They're going to kill Hitler? Yeah. Is that what you're? That's my whole angle here.

Okay, so this is a. Okay, but you realize. You want the worst case. No, no, no. But you realize that this person who stumbled upon a house was like, holy crap, Andy Holloway is best friends with Adolf Hitler. I'm going to do the world a favor. I'm going to get them both.

You have not been protected. Well, we will be in the middle of an argument about philosophy when he comes in. I'm anti his thoughts. I'm very anti Hitler. See, you bring Hitler inside. You've got a whole new problem to worry about, and it's Hitler, okay? You just said, I don't want a burglar outside, I want Hitler in my house, that's so much safer. I don't got to worry about a burglar because the devil is inside my home right now.

I guess you're right, you don't have to worry about that burglar anymore. Was he much of a fight on his own? He was hopped up on methamphetamines. Hitler? Yes. No, he wasn't. I'm sure he was. Is that real? That is 100% real. They had those in the 40s? Yes.

Before all of his speeches, he would hit the pipe. Really? Yes. So he'd be a good time before they showed up? he would hit the pipe. Really? Yes. So he'd be, this is how he'd deteriorate. A good time before they showed up? A good time. You have a cracked out Hitler in your house.

Lights are off raining outside. You are running to the arms of that burglar. Save me! For a final answer here, you're a no. A case could not be made for Hitler. No. And Jason, you're a no. Correct case could not be made for Hitler. No. And Jason, you're a no. Correct.

Okay. We're going to move on. When you are in the bathroom and someone knocks on the door, what is the correct response to give? First of all, anytime anybody's ever done the knock, it's a very quick, someone's in here. It's a fearful. Yeah.

Someone's here. Don't believe that you can enter at this point. Right. But what is the, I mean, what do you say? For me, it is... Do you just make a grunt? No, I mean, sometimes when you're just scared, it's like, oh!

Now, you could probably on-demand let them know. I let them know with my bodily function. Knock, knock. No, what, and I'm not joking here. My go-to is from forest gum can't sit here seats taken that's very smooth that's what you really go every time every time it's it's seats taken because mine is more it's just the the natural innate response to it any type of knock if you're behind a door.

If there's knock, knock, knock, they get a, yeah? That's just what comes out of me. It's almost like you're asking for more information. So the other person is going, oh, we're starting a conversation. Excuse me, sir, how long do you anticipate before you finish? Yeah? Yeah. I thought you were going to say, who's there and it was a knock-knock joke situation.

That would have been even better. Now, maybe that's the correct answer. It could be. When someone knocks on the door, who's there? Because maybe you would let them in if they were the right person. Would you rather be the person walked in on or the person walking in on? I am the one who walks. I would much rather be. i am the one who walks i would much rather be i am the one who i am the one who walks i think um but then you're the technically wouldn't

that be the person at fault oh in all circumstances no no way the person on the inside is the person at fault the locker oh 100 because if i walk in a a bathroom, like I go and I rip open the door and I go in and I have to see you doing your- Now, what if you pick the lock? Duty. Whose fault is that? I'm going to go ahead and say that one's on the picker. If you pick the lock.

Whoops. Well, I didn't know you were in here. What are you doing? Yeah. Sir, I see a lock. Why did you- Must pick it. I am the master of lock picking. Why are you doing? Yeah? Sir, I see a lock. I must pick it. I am the master of lock picking. Why did you drill off the door?

Why did you take the door off? I was in here. I kept telling you, seats taken. Just getting more and more intense. Seats taken! Please don't come in here! Someone is in here! Seats taken!

Oh, the door's off. Oh, I didn't. I couldn't hear you. So if you pick the lock, you're at fault. Yes. If you don't pick it. Otherwise, it's on the lock. I would much rather be the one who walks in.

The one who walks. Would you rather talk like Yoda or breathe like Darth Vader? Oh, man. No, thank you. I can't handle it't handle man i can't handle the people that do the yoda joke it's it's tired it's worn out i would much rather hang out with my darth vader asthmatic friend and it's not just yoda where you're talking in riddles you also have that like that's your voice now You have to start every sentence with, mmm. Annoying I am.

Hungry I am. How creepy. Single I will forever be. How creepy is it? Yeah, can I take your order? Yeah. You're done. You're so... My order you can take.

Now, what if you just got one of those... It's over. What if you got one of those Yoda beanies, right, to where you're wearing the Yoda cap. You have to live in Disneyland. You have no choice. You live in Disneyland. You live around Star Wars. You're there forever.

Let me ask this question. Can I take a picture with you, Yoda? Pictures I will take. Are there people, you know how hardcore some Star Wars fans are, right? Are there people... You know how hardcore some Star Wars fans are, right? Oh, man. I am quickly seeing how bad Yoda would be. He would be jailed within a week.

I have not got a question out, and I'm already wanting to slap both of you. I was just going to say, do you think there are Star Wars fans that would like it, they would be like, this is my Yoda friend, and they would love being around you. No. For a day. For one day. They'd think it's cool at first. And they'd want to kill you. I would.

They'd want to kill you. I just like the grunts. That's the sound on the other end of the knocking When they See Tayden Come in here you must not And then he It's in the middle of the set Oh come in here You must not

And then the doors open and the knot comes out Oh so many mistakes will happen Yoda is getting walked in on in every bathroom situation spit wads with hello fresh you're gonna get fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep you can skip trips to the grocery store and you can count on hello fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it is America's number one meal kit. The holidays, they can be hectic.

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Go to HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers14. Use the code Spitballers14 for up to 14 free meals and 3 free gifts. Once again, for up to 14 free meals and 3 free gifts, go to HelloFresh.com slash Spitballers14 and use our code Spitballers14. HelloFresh,com and use our code SPITBALLERS14. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. All right. We are doing a Disney characters mock draft. Picture Rome, ancient Rome. We're in the Coliseum.

And all three of us walk out and we've got four friends with us from Disney movies. And then someone says, fight! That's what we're doing. I've got the Beast and Simba. Well, you guys got to go deeper. Well, I'm...

Look, I have... You can take the Frog Prince if you want. I can go the distance, Mike. I'm taking King Triton. Okay. Also, basically, Poseidon. Okay? Yeah, that's fine. I missed who Jason took. He tookiton. Okay. Also, basically, Poiseidon. Yeah, that's fine. I missed who Jason took.

He took Hercules. Okay. That was an official final answer. Enjoy being out of the water in the Coliseum. Shut up. It's a battle royale. Out of the water? I have King Triton.

I took Ariel's father. And he's dead. Who's basically Poiseidon. He can't breathe. He's basically just flopping around. He doesn't have gills. He's flopping around. He can breathe.

I take the little mermaid. That's fine. He can breathe. Yeah, he can breathe totally, but he's flopping around on the dirt. Oh, yes. King Triton. This is great. Freaking disaster.

I've got no hope. Because I'm picturing him flopping around. Freaking disaster. I've got no hope. Because I'm picturing him flopping around. Oh, yeah. It's freaking amazing. Why is this on land? Why is this on land? Because you put it in a coliseum. You did this.

Oh, I made a mistake. Oh, man. Okay. If you told me one million dollars to punch a spider? To punch a tarantula. Right. One million. No joke.

You would never happen. Okay. Is that true? That's 100%. A million dollars. If there's a rich person out there... Would you kick one for a million? Oh, my gosh.? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I'm crawling right now.

I don't know. What if it's $10 million and you have to give it a smooch? Oh my gosh. Mike, I did not see you going there and that was not a fake reaction. The best part about that is you are not playing that up for the show at all. He's literally that scared of any spiders. He's so scared. I want to watch that back on YouTube.

I want to see what a loser I am. Here's a shameful thing from my past. This is true. You know those Hawaiian rolls? Hawaiian rolls? Sweet Hawaiian rolls? There was a night. No. All of them?

No. The whole double-decker box. I swear to you. The whole entire double-decker box of Hawaiian bread rolls, I had to hide the packaging. No butter? Just bread?

Look, I didn't mean to do it. I just wanted one. You had to hide the packaging? I was so ashamed. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You gotta elaborate on this. I want to set the stage. Okay.

You have... You have the package. Yes. Okay. For some reason... Did you go... Did you have, like, a plate? Did you put one on the plate?

Oh, that would've been... That might have limited him. Okay, so I grabbed the package. Did you have like a plate? Did you put one on the plate? Oh, that would have been. That might have been limited here. Okay, so I grabbed the package. Did you ever leave the kitchen? First thing. That was the first step. I grabbed the package. This is not sealed, but you know, they got a little tie on it.

Unopened. And I, for some reason, grab it and start walking upstairs. So you brought it with you. Yes. It had a handle. I used it. And I carried it with me upstairs Yes. It had a handle. I used it. And I carried it with me upstairs. And I ate one.

And I was like, oh, that's good. So I ate another one. And then I started eating two at a time. So just like, man, these are good. Why did you have to go to two at a time? Because it was that good. You can compress those real small. For sure.

To deceive yourself into the fact that you're not eating an entire package. I finished the top tray and compress those real small for sure to deceive yourself into the fact that you're not eating a entire package i finished the top tray and i went what have i done and then about 30 seconds later i thought i was done but about 30 seconds later i was like my mouth needs more hawaiian roll bread so i think i went into my child's room and i finished the no this is like why did you go to a different room? Because I was out where I could be seen at that moment. I was at the top of the stairs. I didn't even make it to my room.

You went to a child's room to shame eat Hawaiian rolls. That is a moment from my past. The draft is the best ice cream flavors, which this is why you have the number one pick. Because you're Mr. Ice Cream. And I'm thankful you both took the basics. Because that lets me take two delicious flavors.

Other drafts, we waver. We don't know what we're going to draft. I'm not even making a list. I'm not even looking it up. This is my home. I live here. My next two picks... Mint chocolate chip. That's really weird because it's not your turn. Oh, you've got to do it, Mike.

You've got to do it. I will take mint chocolate chip. Yes. Oh, fantastic. It's the best pick that has ever been made on a Spitballers podcast, Mike. You have ruined Andy by by taking his he was so excited mint chocolate chip it's one of the most famous most popular ice cream flavors he's so excited to get it i made a mistake jason i cut him off too soon i needed to let the whole entire

monologue go and then i had i had a chance there but i mean mean, I still. You still got him. You still got him good. And let me just say this to all the spit wads out there. There are. Maybe you're playing in a fantasy football league or whatever, and someone makes their pick too early. Never feel guilt for coming in and taking the guy they said they were going to take. Don't you dare let them steal a pick early. You just come in and you say, that's my guy.

I am so happy. The best part of that, Andy, for you, just so you're aware, there was a 0.0% chance that I would have taken that had you not been a buffoon and jumped your turn. He's too ice cream excited, man. I cannot believe that just happened to me. Jacked up for ice cream. I want to die.

Now you're taking away my money. Yeah, I need a one. I only get $20 billion. So I think. Hold on. What did you just do? If you're not watching the YouTube version of the show, Jason just jumped out of his chair like he got stung by a scorpion or electrocuted. Then he tried to just move on like nothing happened.

You don't get away with that. My legs were crossed, like my feet were crossed under the table. And I was moving them. Oh, no. And my knee felt like it was going out. It just popped up, up gets all you're sitting I need this money from the place my knees your knee went out while sitting your knee Oh man, what were you doing? I was sitting down and I moved my

leg. I tried to turn slightly to the left. I was trying to sit in a chair and my knee went out. Reconstructive surgery on the way. How'd you tear your ACL, sir?

Doctor, will I be able to sit again? Will I ever be able to sit? Oh, goodness. This show is over. Will I be able to sit? With a lot of rehab and reconstructive surgery, you can record a podcast once again. Today's draft is a simple one, a smelly one, because we are drafting the worst smells. Here's my favorite thing. So when I saw, okay, this is it, a lot of ideas come to

mind, right? But you always want to check, like, what am I forgetting? I do a little Google search, what are some of the worst smells? And on one of these lists, don't worry, guys. I'm not going to draft this. But one of the known worst smells is boiled urine. Hold on. Hold on. Yes. Oh, we need to dive in.

Boiled urine? Why does it have to be? I would say we don't need to dive in. Why does it have to be? Who discovers? Who is boiling? That it smells worse when it's boiled? Like, this is such a known thing.

It made a list of, like... There's somebody that wants to believe if you boiled it, it would become water and you could drink it. Like, it would boil the urine away. Well, here's the thing. Urine is sterile. Not for long. So, I'm imagining that someone slipped a oneski into, like into a pot that was already on the fryer, and then someone was just like, oh, sweet, I left some water in here, and then they turn it on.

How else do you end up with boiled urine? How else do you guys make macaroni? Would you rather re-gift every present you receive back to the person who gave it to you? Whoops. Or attempt to stick your finger in the mouth of every person you catch yawning. Oh, my goodness. There was a long part of my life where my wife thought it was hilarious to do that. When you yawn?

Yes. And she'd stick her finger in your mouth? I do this. Yeah. To my wife. You people are monsters. I literally never heard anybody doing this. Because you're hanging out with good company.

It's the best. It is absolutely. And I say every time I go, ruined it. That's true. Ruined it? Yes. So not only do you jab them in the mouth, possibly gagging this person. I'm not trying to touch the tonsils.

Ruined it. I'm just trying. touch the tonsils. Ruined it. I'm just trying to... Choked you to death. But it's true. Look, this is the wife show right here. No, every time that my wife yawns, she's getting a finger in the mouth. Does she do it back?

No, that would be awful. If you woke up 2,000 years from now. I don't know how you could comprehend it. Right? Sure. A coma patient for 30, 40... if you woke up 2,000 years from now. I don't know how you could comprehend it, right? Sure. A coma patient for 30, 40, you know, I don't know what the longest coma patient is, where they've woken up.

Is it 10 years, 20 years? I have no idea. But comprehending that, I think you'd think you're dead. Maybe I'd Google, am I dead? Ooh. Right? Yes, and you would not get an answer yeah yes it just says yes 37 years 37 now 37 years but that is that to waking up or was that just how long the coma lasted because that's the real crux here well i imagine he was, waking up and being cognizant. Right. Yeah, I looked for longest coma survivor.

So, yeah. 37 years. Wow. Clean water for all humans. You want my cloud machine. I don't want that, Mike. I don't think that's going to solve the problems you think it's going to solve. If you could make it great.

Or that will ever exist, even 2,100 years from now. Wait, Mr. Techno-Optimist? He is not a techno-optimist. I'm not a techno-impossiblist. solve if you could make or that will ever exist even 2100 years from now wait mr techno optimist he is not a tech i'm not a techno impossibilist you're telling me that we'll get to the point where we can cure diseases but a simple cloud let me ask you that first of all is not simple mike it's in the atmosphere you're producing them for you're saying producing earth sized weather yeah i think it's a challenge what was that let me ask you a question mike are we ever gonna make are we ever gonna make a boot the size of a continent a boot yeah a boot like italy like a human boot are you ever gonna make

a human boot as could we ever make one as big as a continent no no that suit that's too many materials that is a that is not a strong argument to win here. Your point makes no sense. None whatsoever. That's so much leather. Let me ask you a question, Mike. Do you think we're ever going to start printing people with a Hewlett Packard? You think we're going to start printing people with a Hewlett Packard? You think we're going to do that?

That's what I think of your cloud machine. Why would you ever have come up with, you think they're going to make a boot the size of a continent? That's the reason. That makes no sense. My point is there are things that are outside the bounds of our possibilities. Yes, exactly. A boot the size of a continent.

That's what you went with. And worldwide weather. Those are the only two impossibles. Oh, mercy. There are only two things we can never do. Are you ever going to make a bowl of spaghetti the size of Cincinnati? No. No, they aren't.

I'm going to check to know who's going to eat it. Oh, man. I can't breathe. Look, there are some things that the humans can't do. They can't control the weather and they can't make continent-sized boots. Okay. All right. Are we done talking to each other yet?

Next segment. All right. All right. Are we done talking to each other yet? Next segment. All right. Real quick. I got to redeem myself here before my DMs fill up, but it's 27 years for someone who actually woke up. So that 37 year was a liar. She didn't make it. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Al Borland. Sorry, man. So wait, 27 years and didn't wake up? No, 27 did wake up. 27 woke up. If you go 37, we're not going to talk about it.

Yep. Oh. Dad brought the show down. What? Hold on. He had to break in. It's like one of the funniest moments in the show's history. Yes, we're cracking up.

Guys, guys. I got to. It's official. I can't have kids. What was that about? Look, there's parts of, you know, I don't like eating the butts of food. Do you guys know? Do any of you have that problem?

I don't like eating butts either, Jason. No, like when you're taking a drink of anything, just leaving the last little bit. When you're eating a hot dog. Do you do that with a banana? Do you leave the last little bit of a banana? Of course! Because we're not monsters. Wait, but you eat the top of the banana, which is the same. Wait, you eat the bottom

of a banana? Not the peel. No, the little black piece. But inside the banana. You eat the whole banana. There's no way you do. There's no way. This is not Borland. This is not possible. When you get a banana you take the if you were to take the whole banana out of the peel you would eat the whole thing i do

yeah you eat the the the nasty black tip at the bottom there's not a nasty black word when's the last time you had a banana which is the answer is never can't you eat them both no you can't eat the butt of the banana what What are you, a monster? I can't believe. Oh, no. I couldn't wait for Borland to chime in here because I already knew his response. It should be what all human responses are, which is, well, no, that part is like, for instance. You pick it off. For instance, I don't eat the middle of a peach.

The pit? The pit. Because it's not made for consumption. Apparently, banana butt is a vape liquid. Oh, no. Kids, no. I mean, I'm not sure that I recommend that. I'm not sure that the official term of that spot of a banana is the butt,

but it makes sense, right? It's the bottom. I was intrigued that you were going all over the place, very, very general with it, so that the bottom of your drink, that's the butt? Sure, just the end. According to Urban Dictionary, the black tip of the banana is called the...

Are you allowed to say this? No, I'm not. It's called something. Otherwise known as the little brown part at the bottom of the banana that no one in their right mind eats. Yes, thank you. That's what it says, and it's the bananas.

Yes. Oh, the bananas. Yes. According to Urban Dictionary, where they're asking, basically, is it even safe to eat it? I'm still unaware of what it is. This is wild.

Look, I'll cut out... If you give me a banana and it's got a bruise, I'll cut the bruise out. So I'm not eating any black. Then there's no way you're eating the bananas. Yeah, I don't eat the bananas. It usually stays in the peel. Yes, usually it does. So there's a mysterious bananas down there? Well, because what you do is you peel the banana top to bottom.

It is. You peel the banana top to bottom, but you're still holding the peel. Inside the peel where your fingers are is the bananas, and you don't want to touch it either, which is why you want to keep that peel on your bananas. What sucks now is instead of the positive thing that comes out of the workout,

it's like six-pack washboard abs. And now it's just, I don't have a heart attack for the next ten years. Now it's just I don't have a heart attack for the next 10 years. Now it's my pants don't hurt when they're buttoned. I was like, I can wear pants. The benefit is just not worth it. And I don't feel like I'm about to bleed from my waist belly button.

Your waist? Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Your waist belly? Is there more than one? No, but I'm saying my waistline underneath my belly button. I don't know what that's called. What's the center front of your waistline called? Your midsection?

Well, that's a whole area. I'm talking right where that button is. What is the anatomical name? I don't think it's your gut. That's a very different spot. I definitely don't think it's that, Andy. No? No.

Your goomba. You're Goomba. Sure, Goomba is better. But what is... You're Kerplunker. Is there an anatomical name? Spitwads, if you're out there, you're listening, and you're a doctor, clearly you are. I mean, you're all fancy and rich. And exercising.

By the way, if you're not, please, you're not allowed to listen to this. This is only for rich people. That's right. That's how people find this. They go, well, I've come into a lot of money now. What is the allowed to listen to this this is only for rich people that's right that's how people find this they go well i've come into a lot of money now what is the podcast you listen to jeeves um but but my point is i don't know podcasting for the rich i don't know we should change our name to that i don't know what the name of the body part right behind the button on your pants is called but that is what hurts on me a lot.

So you're talking, this is below the belly button. Right. I can stand up. I can show you this. No, I mean, there's an area. There's an area. It's called the fupa. Is that for real?

Yeah. Did you Google this? No, I know about it. It's not the gooch. It's not the gooch. But. Did you Google? No, but I'm learning.

Yeah, kids don't Google these things. All right, so did you see it? The pooper. We're talking about the spare time. Oh, goodness. My parents at home, I'm so sorry. Oh, goodness. Okey dokey.

Oh, yes. oh goodness okie dokie oh yes but am i right oh you're right that's uh that is correct it is the food but thank you mike for being a rich uh listener thank you um i'm gonna take the i will eat whatever I want. I'm going to eat it at length for one hour every day and you can take your exercise and calories back. What about you, Andy? What are you taking? I'll take the hour of food.

Okay, good. Borland. It's good to know that I didn't make the biggest mistake on the show today. Can you turn the air down in this room? I'm starting to sweat. Alright, moving on. He says, after an unfortunate

altercation with your local wizard, of course, the three of you must live the rest of your days in the ocean. Oh, Mr. Limpet's situation. Those will be short days. He reassures you that you will be able to communicate with all other sea life. He gives you the choice to be any sea creature or animal of your liking.

Okay. What are you choosing and why? So you've got to live out in the ocean forever, but you will be able to communicate and then apparently thrive. I'm being the sailfish. You know, it's interesting what we prioritized. Now, the first thing I looked at was what sea creature has the longest lifespan by default. Isn't it a turtle?

Is it the turtle? Well, what I found was a bowhead whale that is 200 plus years. And I'm thinking I'm a big old whale, so I'm resilient, right? Nobody's going to come and get me. Do you want to live 200 years as a whale? Floating in the ocean, just taking in the sights, my man. 200 years of that? Yeah, there's a lot of ocean to see.

Look at that internet. I bet it'd be great. Every time Mike makes a home somewhere as a sailfish once a predator comes along sure he's not gonna get eaten but he has to move i think the only predator sailfish has to worry about is man and just because i turn into a fish you have to worry about the jason still so jason will come and get you not coming after me they're going after the small straight after you now other great whites you will catch me. I'm 68 miles an hour, man. Dude, a great white. I'm so powerful. I'll catch.

I'll eat the bow-headed whale. I'm just coming after both of you guys. Mike, I don't know if it changes things, but you are locked in, unfortunately. 13 to 15 years is the lifespan of a sailfish. What do I got? I've got 200 years. What's the lifespan of a great white? I don't know, but they're mixed. You or a regular

great white? My cholesterol as a shark is a little high. 70 years. What's the lifespan of a great white? I don't know, but they're... You or a regular great white? My cholesterol as a shark is a little high. 70 years. I'll take that. Do you want 70 years as a shark or 200 as a bowhead? Look, I figure I got 70 as a human, so I'm good with 70 as a great white. You're only going

35 miles an hour, Jay. But you ain't catching me. I'm gonna sneak up. I will swim backwards and poke you in the face with my big sword nose. I'm a hundred tons. That's what I just figured out. But you're just there. You're not living. I'm not? No, you're not.

There's no L-I-V-I-N going on as a whale. You know what you do as a whale? You swim all the way to the north. Doesn't it seem like... And then you swim back down to the south. Listen to their voice like. And then you swim back down to the south. Just listen to their voice. They're not. Kill me. Kill me.

Except nothing can. Here's the irony of the situation. Because we look up lifespans. And then you wonder, you know, when God created these creatures, maybe he was building in the level of enjoyment. So the sailfish is 13, 15 years of unadulterated too much enjoyment. Just so much fun. Life too good. The shark, it's pretty nice.

Like 70 years. And then the bowhead. You get to live for a long time. Kill me. Too long. I've seen all my friends die. I've seen all my friends die. I've seen every inch of this big blue.

I fell. The sailfish has been dead for 150 years. My best friend. You know, he doesn't do him any favors to call him a bowhead. I'll be honest with you. Got eaten by a shark. And now the shark's dead. All my friends are gone.

And I'm here. Help me. They call him bowhead, too. That's not fun. We just bought a popcorn maker. You fancy. We are getting bougie

up in our house because we're watching movies and we're making... You showed me this thing and you showed me that there's some secret ingredients. Flavacol. Flavacol? I think that's what it's called. And it's supposed to raise profits for popcorn salesmen around the country. But it's in my home.

Flavacol? Flavacol. It's worse than that. Flavacol. It's worse than that. It's Flavacol. So that's a medication that you've seen advertised before that causes death. Well, so speaking of causes. Flavacol. Speaking of causes, death. You know, if you're listening, don't confuse a teaspoon with a tablespoon.

No, no, no. A teaspoon is very, very, very tiny. Yes, they're very different, Jason. If you get the very tiny teaspoon, that is 122% of your daily sodium. The teaspoon? It's delicious. Hold on, hold on. The teaspoon. The teaspoon.

In America. The little tiny. I'm going to be honest with you. You made this popcorn for me, and it was very fresh. It was very hot. You asked me if I liked it. I said I did like it, and mind you, I ate it. I ate it all.

He didn't like it. But listen, I ain't never tasted a saltier bag of popcorn in my whole life. Flavor call. I mean. Boom. Flavor call in your face. Here's the truth. It was the salt.

I was a salt lick, okay? You were a salt lick? I was a horse, and it was a salt lick. And I'm just pure? I was a horse, and it was a salt lick. And I'm just pure. I was a raisin when I got home. Yeah, baby. I was dried up by bag one. I don't know how.

Leave a call. So here's the thing that I have since learned. We have these packages where you cut the top off, and it's got the oil, and it's got the kernels. I was like, the seeds? You're such a professional. And it's got a pouch of seasoning salt. And so I don't think I'm supposed to use that and the Flavacol. No.

Flavacol. Too much Flavacol in your face. All right. So look, something stuck in your teeth, it stinks. If it's stuck in your shoe, I've got, you know, my thing with the shoe. You're doing the toe tap all day. You work it towards the top left. You step the big toe.

Step, toe down. Click, click, click. Step, step. Click, click, click. Trying to kick the toe to the front. I don't know why as a kid. Or the rock. I feel like as a kid I had, had like a rock in my shoe every day.

That's just what you, I don't know if we played in a lot of miniature rock playgrounds. I just feel like it was regular. Yeah, Arizona. No grass, right? You don't get grass in your shoes. No, you didn't play in the rocks.

You played in the grass. That's how you got rocks in your shoes. That's right. That's true. But something stuck in your, I feel like you might get used to it stuck in your teeth, wouldn't you? No, no. This is the point your... I feel like you might get used to it stuck in your teeth, wouldn't you? No.

No. This is the point of why I brought up the popcorn machine. I brought up the popcorn machine because... Flavacol. Because... WMD. Yes. Because I've eaten a lot of popcorn the last two weeks.

You're so salty, Mike. Hydrated. Did you have any of that popcorn? No. I missed out. It is delicious. Sodium rich. But it is very sodium rich. And I apologize for nothing. Did you look any of that popcorn? I missed out. It is delicious. Sodium rich. But it is very sodium rich.

And I apologize for nothing. Did you look at the ingredients? Flavacol. Does it just say ingredients? Salt. Oh, salt is nowhere near as rich in sodium as Flavacol. That's true. Like, I'm not joking.

If you took a teaspoon of salt. They made saltier salt. They made saltier salt. If you take a teaspoon of salt, there's no fathomable way that it has the same... Flavacol. Flavacol. Boom. Saltier than salt.

Up your profits. Saltier than salt. That's a good slogan. Harness the ocean. I might draft that today. You ever did the allergy testing? Yes. Were they...

Oh. Do you know what I'm talking about, Jason? No, of course. I know what you're talking about. Have you ever been tortured? But I'm... For science? You inferior'm... For science. You inferior humans with your allergies.

Well, having... Believe it or not, anybody can get the test. You don't even have to have allergies. Yeah, but why would you? Good point. I'm not allergic to anything. Will you want to scratch my back and put a bunch of chemicals on me? But they basically just poke a bunch of holes in your back, teeny little marks, and then

they put a little bit of everything. A plant or what i don't know how they bring ass cats they rub a cat on your back but then they can't you can't you're not allowed to scratch it and i just remember like as a kid getting that done and my mom would like you could use a magazine to like waft air to try to make those itches go away but but that would be... Does it help? I feel like that would make it more intensified. Anything but sitting in it makes it better. Like, if you are itchy right now, you are better off running around than you are standing

there itchy. Sure. To distract you. I can't believe that's how we figure things out. Do we still do that? Yeah, oh yeah, the scratch test is still a lot of that. We haven't improved upon that? Then they put the leeches on. You know, you bring up a good point. We've been to the moon!

Yeah. You bring up a good point. We're like, hey, child, here's what we're going to do. Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke. Lay still while I poke you 40 times, and then I'm just going to pour liquid that you're allergic to. It's like when I was first learning math, and the trial and error process was just like, I'll find the answer by getting it wrong 100 times until it works. I don't understand how to do this equation, but I'll just keep like, no, it's not that.

Right. It's not that. There's got to be a better way. Take a vial of my blood. Go test it. Tell me what I'm allergic to as opposed to, well, let's try this. Let's see if you're allergic to cactus. Give me a cactus.

I mean, that's what it feels like. You can do this test at home. That's actually exactly what the allergists sound like. That's the weird thing. You can do this test at home. All right, partner, we're going to get this figured out. You don't need a pulmonologist. They want to hunt rabbits.

Is he allergic to cats? Yeah, I got a cat. Come here, Jehoshaphat. And then you just rub the cat all over and you say give it 15 seconds. Now tell me, when I poke you with this needle, does it hurt? You are not allergic to hypodermic needles.

This one's sharp. Nelda, this one's sharp. Why are we all Yosemite sand? I don't know. Get your host of that in here. Let's see how you react to poison. Oh, turns out you're allergic to poison. You should get that checked.

You should get that checked. You got another one allergic to poison. It'll be $50. You never believe this. 100% of people allergic to poison. I'm getting fat, bud. So far, we keep testing. Everybody says, I don't have allergies.

I say, take this poison. You allergic to poison? You sure are. All right. I hope you enjoyed some of our... Oh, Mike enjoyed some of our favorite moments. That one part was great. That was my favorite part, too, just like yours at home.

So let's go ahead and get into a brand new draft for episode 100. How's your sleep been? Has it been awesome? Mine has been awesome. My sleep has been awesome because I sleep on a Helix Sleep mattress. I absolutely love it. Look, I'm a heft I sleep on a Helix Sleep mattress. I absolutely love it. Look, I'm a hefty boy. I'm a big boy. And when I took the Helix Sleep quiz, I said, you know, my height, my weight, my sleeping patterns, you know, do I sleep on my back,

on my front, on my side? Do I move around? And they found the perfect mattress for me. Mike, I know you got a different mattress. I did. Because you're a different person. Yes. It's not just take the quiz and everyone gets the same mattress. No. There are different mattresses to match you so that you will get the best nights.

Yeah. Everybody's unique. Helix knows that. There is a reason that Helix has won the mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired Magazine. I fully endorse Helix Sleep mattresses. They are great. Just go to helixsleep.com slash ballers. Take their two-minute sleep quiz,

and they will match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up if you don't love it, but you will. Helix even has financing options and flexible payment plans, so get a great night's sleep. It's not that far away, and they're offering up to $200 off

all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash ballers. That's helixsleep.com slash ballers for up to $200 off and two free pillows. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We're calling it Honey, I Shrunk the Draft. Why? Because.

Because this is what we do. Here's the scenario, guys. Jason, Mike, and myself, we've been shrunk down to only six inches tall. And we've been asked a very important question, and that is we need to draft household items for a battle to the death. So we're doing a battle royale, but we're six inches tall. Oh, gosh. And these are only items that you could pick up if you were six inches tall. We've all been shrunk down.

We're in a house. And we're going to fight. Oh, we're always going to fight. I mean, there's one thing we know is that when the three of us are together, it's a battle to our death. It's a battle royale. Honey, I shrunk the draft and we're six inches tall which really takes a lot of a lot of the things that in my life you know when i usually look at an object i think how do i weaponize this and if i were only six inches tall well but that's the issue i haven't really spent a lot of time thinking how do i weaponize

this if i were six inches tall makes things things more difficult. We still, just to be clear, we still haven't thought about that a lot. That is 100%. As of right this moment. And I think people will find the truth of that out here in just the next few minutes. So we'll see. Now, unfortunately, I have the first pick. Is this correct? Oh, the clear 101 is out there.

Oh, man. The clear 101. Yeah, don't mess it up. I didn't know there was a spear out there. Yeah, there's a super clear 101. mike uh all right look pressure is on you to not blow it the clear 101 is always whether it's survival or whether it's weaponry is a spear that was the best invention of mankind okay so i i think i think something like a steak knife is going to be too heavy. I'm six inches tall.

But I can absolutely pick up that sharpened pencil, and you ain't going to get near me when I've got a... I mean, it's a spear. Like, literally, that's a spear. It is. I have a weapon with my sharpened number two pencil, and I'm going to put ink in you. What happened to number one pencils?

Number one, that must have given lead poisoning. They threw that out. Yeah, right away. Right off the block. Does anyone know the answer of, like, number one or number two pencils? Number three? No, I was going to say, it also seems that they perfected it on the second try we did it we tried try one sucked try two was and now it's like mother of mercy look at

this funny when you know you go shopping as a parent and you get the list must be number two pencils it's like what other pencils can i possibly buy like Like, just say pencils, because I don't know how to not buy a number two. Are there pencil specialty stores out there with the whole variety? One through seven? They have the antique stores. They have the number ones. The number ones. Well, I've got a number two.

They just manufactured it with erasers on both ends. Oh, we screwed this thing up. There's no way to write. We should put a point over here. Or maybe number two just actually, there's like, maybe that's the first one that added the eraser. So it's really just like, oh man, this can do two things. Let's call it number two.

The number two is four. All right, I've got my pencil, my spear, my 101. It's on lockdown. I feel like I already won the draft right there. It's my pencil, my spear, my 101. It's on lockdown. I feel like I already won the draft right there. It's my pick, right, now? Sure. Okay. Well, it's ironic because one of the first things I wrote down was a steak knife, but

now you guys are telling me it's too heavy for me to pick up. Yeah. Even with them cheapy Walmart steak knives, those things are made of nothing. I was worried about taking my pencil, which I wanted because I was like, someone's going to try to take a steak knife. But I feel like that shouldn't apply. So I used my platform while on the clock to basically draft two things. It was sneaky.

But if you had a steak knife, you would be like Cloud in Final Fantasy. You would have the world's largest broadsword. It's not happening. I mean, six inches, though. You're pretty big there, right? Yeah, but that's as long as a steak knife. The steak knife is probably at, six inches, though, you're pretty big there, right? Yeah, but that's as long as a steak knife. The steak knife is probably at least six inches. I'm curious if

our manliest man, Al Borland, thinks I could lift a steak knife at six inches tall. I don't think so, man. I appreciate the fact that you wanted me to succeed there, but you're like, no, I just don't think so. I just don't see it happening. Maybe Jason, but not you, Andy. to succeed there but you're like no i just don't think so i just don't see it happening maybe jason

but not you all right i'm gonna go then with uh what i think i'll lack the kind of size of a number two pencil here but i think i will be deft and agile with my toothpick so i will select a toothpick it's on my list when i thought of toothpick i was like well andy will get this for sure yeah you're the toothpick king not strong enough for a steak knife i guess al told me so i'm gonna go with a toothpick it's it's nicely done uh that leaves me two picks that i was hoping i would get because my list is not very large. But number one, look, I mean, sometimes you got to have a smaller weapon. So I will take a thumbtack or a pushpin because now I've got my dagger of swords. It's not really a dagger when you're six inches tall.

Yeah, I think that. It's a little bigger. No. It's bigger than a dagger would be. I don't think so. I think it's daggerish. Yeah. Thank you, Jason.

I appreciate your support on here. I guess you're right. No, I guess you're right. It's pretty small. Yeah, but I retract that. So I will take now. I will take my sword, which I don't know why you would take a toothpick when there is a better version. I'll take the paper clip.

Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, that's fantastic. Great pick, Mike. I think that's Jason's way of saying you did not select the pick you wanted. That is true. That is true. You're taking a paperclip.

Now, when I think of swords, I don't think of paperclips, ironically. So I'm curious how you made that comparison. He thinks that he can unfurl the paperclip. You can 100% unfurl the paperclip. Well, I can because I'm six feet tall. No, you'll be able to do it. It won't be a walk in the park, but you'd be able to do it. We'll be whooping up on you while you're pulling profusely on the edge of this paperclip.

Yeah, while you do that, you're getting a pencil through your heart. No, I'm not trying to break it off. Al, can he pull that paperclip open? Yeah, I think so, but he'll have to stand on one side of it while trying to. Yeah, like I said, not the easiest, but I'll get it done. Right, Al, could Andy pull that paperclip open? I don't think so, man. Oh, man.

I got to work out. All right. So, Mike, you have a paper clip. You have a thumbtack. I have a toothpick. I thought about a thumbtack. I'm fine with my toothpick. I got more range.

I got more range. You do. You also will wear out very fast. I may give myself a splinter. That could be a problem. That's true. Jason has a number two pencil. Now, most of what I know about being six inches tall comes from the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

Am I allowed to draft an ant that I can ride? Oh, man. No. I say, sure, let that ant murder you. Well, I'm saddled up. If you've watched that movie, Auntie was a good friend. You better draft Oreos.

Well, yeah, I guess you have to hold it out in front of the ant. You're six inches tall, so that ant is still like the size of your foot. That's a strong point. I'm a little bit bigger. That's why I asked the question and did not make the pick. Thank you very much.

I'm going with a beard trimmer. I'm running at you with a beard trimmer. A beard trimmer? Yeah. You are riding that beard trimmer nowhere. Yes, you are. A beard trimmer is even heavier than a steak knife. That's great.

You just drafted like a boulder to stand on i must not know what six inches is i really don't think i know my height six inches imagine imagine a beard trimmer yeah that's about six inches so that means you just drafted a gigantic version of yourself. A mini beard trimmer. What mini beard trimmer exists? Oh, no. Okay. So you're saying that there's more like fortification of my hideout.

You just drafted it. I'm not running at you with it, but if you come at me. You can hide behind it? I can probably point it at you oh for sure and you can turn it on like oh no what if i run into his beard trimmer this reminds me a lot of me drafting that lawnmower in the home depot yeah that's going one mile an hour dang it all right uh well okay so here's the truth when andy drafted a toothpick i was so excited because you need a sword where i got a spear you need a sword and a toothpick is undoubtedly was so excited. Because you need a sword. Where I got a spear, you need a sword.

And a toothpick is undoubtedly a sword for this. Oh, no. I know what you're thinking of. But he's got a little wooden sword. You, Mike, drafted a metal sword that hopefully you can turn into a sword after a while. I'm just drafting a sword. Give me the sewing needle that is a metal version of a toothpick. Yeah, he wins on that one.

Yeah, that's great yeah that's very very smart that was my first that was my one-on-one but i thought there was a chance because you two aren't around sewing as much as i am my living room is currently a uh what do they call us i guess a sewing room um like it's this this room they do a bunch of sewing what do they call us i guess a sewing room um like it's this this room they do a bunch of sewing in it what do they call that where do seamstresses work in this uh sweatshop that's what they call it so my living room is a sweatshop teaching our children how to do hard labor is that conservatory all right so i've got another i've got another pick here. And so I've got my spear.

I've got my sword. Yes, you have your pencil and sewing needle. Go on. And now I'm going to take a whip. But imagine that this whip was harsher than leather. What if I had a nice necklace? You know, a thin band. i'm swinging that thing around that's like a uh like a ball and chain what are they exactly a ball and chain i believe is what that's i think there's a more formal name if it's got the spikes if you've got a necklace isn't that a lot to handle at six inches tall

i'm just talking the band, just a thin bit. This isn't some crazy- Can you whip that band around? Oh, absolutely. You probably could. Yeah. It's really light. I want to be very clear about something.

I have no concept of what six inches tall is or what people can lift at six inches tall. I am terrified that my next pick will be the heaviest object on the earth. I will take a 25-pound dumbbell ball. Like a 25-pound dumbbell. Yeah. I got no clue what to pick. I told you guys before we started, like, I'm concerned. You have a number of sharp objects that I am concerned about. Because at the end of the day, I've got a beard trimmer. So I'm going to have to go with go with i'm gonna go with a bottle

cap shield i'm going captain america size bottle cap shield okay self-defense at this point is my only option try to survive until both of you are tired and i can and fall into my beard trimmer so you can actually use that shield to try to corral us in push us into yes you turn the beard trimmer on and then you go and then it's like oh you cut my hair now let me check something real quick al do you think that i could push these gentlemen into a beard trimmer sure that was the nicest thing he's ever said to you i expected i don't think so man yeah all right mike i i'll tell you this i also don't want to pick a fourth pick because i don't have one it's still it's still two picks from me and i the the pick i want i know is coming back i'm i'm i'm so excited apparently you're a professional at this part jason have you ever

been shrunk before uh i have done the opposite before um i've put on the weight and expanded i've been grown i've been grown i've seen some things at this size oh no i have a great last pick mike don't take it oh you get ready because i'm about about to ruin your dreams oh all right um i'm not quite sure what i will do with it yet but it's on my list like you're fighting to the death you've yeah i feel like i've got i feel like i could do something with this i could figure it out so i'm gonna take uh i'm gonna take some yarn i'm gonna take some yarn here okay maybe i can make a lasso you never know yeah is a lasso one of the go-to things, like, as a grown-up human, if you were in a fight, is a lasso on the upper echelon of the list?

It's when you're a six-inch person, it is. Okay. I know that much for sure. All right. Oh, man. And then I'm with Andy. Oh, man, I thought of another great one. You are.

You shut up. You are, you shut up. I'm with Andy that most of what I've learned about being that small comes from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. The documentary, yes. Yes, and I know that there was, they ran into this in the movie and they were all like concerned about it. I'm going to take some projectiles. I know it's harmful. It could be covered in in disease so i will take bug turds oh it's it's the long play i will get you with the cockroach poop and you will great because i would pick you to be handling bug turds i've got

yarn i can just i can tie up i've got a slingshot bro not a slingshot, bro. Not a slingshot, but I've got a sling. I'm going to be looking like David. Just whipping bug turds on purpose. So that's... Yes, we did that. All right, what's your fourth pick over there, Smarty Pants? Well, look, I have a good fourth pick. I really do.

I know that I haven't been able to figure out what I can carry at this height. So I'm shrinking down and I'm going with basically a Trident, which is a cocktail fork. I'm going with the cocktail fork. That's pretty good. Okay. Yeah, that's going to be my Trident. That's a way around the whole fork and knife too heavy thing. You just said, give me a smaller version of that.

That's right. That's great. Wait, is it too late for me to draft a mini chainsaw? Yes, you have your four picks, Mike. Would have been great. I select a mini chainsaw. All right. I got my last pick.

You have so many good ones, Jason. This is going to be hard for you to pick. I was going to take, until I thought of an even better thing, the thing that I thought was going to come back to me were the corn on the cob holders. Oh, you get both. You get them both. Yeah. You talk about daggers.

Like a wah, wah, wah. Yeah. You look like Wolverine. What are those called? If those were too hot, my hands are still fine. Corn on the cob holders? I think corn on the cob holders. Yeah.

I don't know. It's like a ball and chain is called a ball and chain. So what are you actually going with then? The ball and chain is called a ball chain so what are you actually going with the ball and chain is called a chain mace yeah yeah thank you thank you jeremy also if it's got spikes on it's a flail yeah but it's also known as a ball chain but a ball and chain is that's how you like you put it on old-timey prisoners it's not that's called a wife no my last one is you guys have seen

Star Trek I presume yeah heard of it and the Klingons they have that big crazy two handed like weapon you know what I'm talking about cause that's what I'm talking about? Because that's what I'm about to draft here with my razor blade.

I'm a straight-up razor blade. Oh, you're grabbing that middle of the blade? I'm grabbing it in the middle, and you guys are so screwed. I can use it as a shield. I can just... Oh, you guys are... I mean, this is a massacre. The massacre is you trying to figure out how you could use a razor blade as a weapon without lopping your arm off.

Easily. The middle holes are perfect. You need to look up Klingon weapons and you'll see what I'm talking about. But you drafted a razor blade. Yeah, you're darn right I did. And I don't even need it. All I need is a spear and I got that with the first pick. We aren't boars jason we're human

beings okay now that's a solid point i've said it a thousand times we aren't boars jason but everybody knows the best way to kill a boar is a number two pencil if you've listened to this show you know so mike has uh i misread it when i was looking it over. He has a thumb tag. He's got a paperclip. He's got some yarn. And then I read big turds, but it's bug turds. He's got bug turds. I believe I have both. Thank you.

I guess you do. I have a toothpick, a beard trimmer of debatable weight, bottle cap shield, a cocktail fork. Jason has a number two pencil, sewing needle a necklace which i still think might be too heavy a razor blade finishing it uh and jason is busy slacking us pictures of klingon weapons yeah and thinking that he has fashioned a similar item which it kind of does look similar yeah it's gonna be great it's gonna be i'm holding that all right right on the inside so we are battling we are six inches tall and the spit wads can decide who wins this very scientific battle what did we learn today oh it is easy yeah it's easy for me too i learned that i don't know what a six inch tall person can lift or do.

Don't draft ways to fight as a six inch tall person. And I learned that if we were all shrunk to six inches, I will murder you fools. I will straight up just decapitate you while you're looking around for something without any creativity. I'm pretty happy with my draft. I'm going to give it my two thumbs up so I can get some votes. I'm pretty happy with my draft. I'm going to give it my two thumbs up so I can get some votes. I had also on my list, I had G.I. Joe weapons.

Yeah, what else did we have? G.I. Joe weapons, but I wasn't sure what I could actually... Pew, pew, pew. I mean, not a pretend plastic gun, but someone had to have... Doesn't Snake Eyes have swords yeah i mean yeah tweezers was on my list that would be all right that's pretty solid it's like having two

spears i had a original plan of a drain cap a drain plug as my shield but i got too concerned you would say i could not lift that so i I went with bottle cap. I had quarter on my list to be a shield, but then I would just be copying it. Can I lift scissors? Can I lift some scissors? No. What about kid scissors? Sewing scissors you can. Tiff has these little tiny sewing scissors that are so

sharp. They are the sharpest little... Hedge clippers as a six inch person. Hedge clippers the size of you, though. It's not... you aren't holding those things out. Your shoulders are not strong enough for that. No, those scissors that she has, they're like two and a half maybe three inches. Jason's sewing knowledge has helped him

tremendously in this draft. It is a huge benefit. Also, I wanted to draft this one probably is too heavy but I wanted to draft a mouse because of the whole ball and chain thing like you swing the court around. If you can get that thing going. Oh, that's way too heavy.

Yeah, it's too heavy. Oh, computer mouse. I was way off mentally. No, he wanted the mouse to ride. That's what I thought. And then eventually poop and I would also have poop. Because poop is the winner.

All right, I think we're done. Episode 100 in the books. Well, that was fun. Yeah. Remember Jason's scat at the beginning of this episode? It was so good. He drafted poop right then. Thank you for listening.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.