Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Half Court Gambling & Things To Fill A Pool With - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

Spit Hit for March 9th, 2023: On today’s show we talk about basketball competitions, being completely hairless, and drinking from a baby bottle. Liar, Liar is also back by popular demand. Tune in to find out who was victorious. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. We have a special Spit Hits episode today and we talk about normal stuff like basketball competitions, being completely hairless, drinking from a baby bottle, and yeah, Liar Liar's on the show today and you can tune in find out who was victorious. Enjoy today's Spit Hit episode. what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason you're feeling cool Take a poop in the pool. Hey. So much.

I was so wrong with that because welcome to the spitball. Mike was giggling before. He was so happy with where this was about to go. I couldn't wait. You're not happy. I couldn't wait to find out. And then I'm because I'm cool cool I'm pooping in a pool? That is correct. Why do we have to poop?

Can't we, we're not taking a dip? What? No, that's for schmucks. Oh my gosh. I am a schmuck. I've just never seen somebody so happy with themselves before a scat. You never thought of a poop joke right before you told it? That's what it was for you. I mean, you made eye contact. You're like, just wait for this.

Oh, I didn't say that. That was for me. That's all for you. Episode 149 of the Spitballers podcast, guys. Almost 150 episodes. Almost. And if you've never tuned in, that opening should tell you everything you need to know about this podcast. Yeah, we will upload that as our trailer for the show.

We will upload the download if you know what I mean. Now that we've hit 149 episodes, let's start deleting. Okay, Al, can we delete your least favorite 50 or so? On it. Okay. It'll be hard to narrow down. They're all pretty great. Oh.

It's like you get paid to say that. It'll be hard to narrow down. They're all pretty great. Oh. It's not like you get paid to say that. Would you rather liar, liar, and a pool-related draft on today's show? Liar, liar is back. Oh, man.

I forgot we were doing liar, liar today. Have we beat Al? No, I was going to. Oh, I ruined you. Someone gave me some bad advice. This is the one. This is the one. You feeling it? real good is it would this be bad for Al's health though because he's got some surgery coming up next week that's right and you know the mental state is a big part of recovery that's true so if he's reeling from a defeat

well I'm sorry for what we're about to do. Yeah, I am so sorry for your recovery being much more difficult. Another day's hospital bills or something. That's rough. Hope you got good insurance. Let's get into the show. Would you rather. Let's get into the show. This is the best way to get into it.

Would you rather from Colton on the website? Would you rather have a single attempt at a layup for 100,000 or a three pointer for 1 million? Now, I feel like an attempt at a layup and I'm not saying people have never missed layups. I'm not saying I've never missed a layup. Okay. You missed a lot missed layups. I'm not saying I've never missed a layup, okay? You missed a lot of layups. I've missed my fair share of layups.

But I feel like that's a gimme. I mean, this is just, this is empty court, right? This isn't like in a game. That's a gimme. A layup's a gimme. Yeah. This question hits a lot different for the three of us. Okay.

A layup is most certainly not a gimme for you. No. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Even a standing still layup is most certainly not a gimme for you. No. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Even a standing still layup? It's not a gimme. Okay. If you gave me a standing still layup, I'm making 100 of 100. No joke.

I will make 98 out of 100. I'll make 70 plus. Okay. 70%. How many out of 100 threes are you making? Oh, 20? Maybe? Maybe? 15?

Okay. I'm taking the three. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's not a gimme for me, so I might as well just take the shot at a million. The problem is taking the gimme, so to speak, the layup, and missing is humiliation. You should have to pay $100,000 if you miss that shot because that's how bad you're going to feel.

Now, you take the three you miss, it's still – I mean, the best NBA three-point shooters make under 50% from the three-point arc. That's an inactive game, though. Have you ever seen them warm up? No, you're right. They make about 95%. They make about all of their shots. They're really good at basketball.

I mean, there will be pressure on this shot, but you will have as much time as you need to take it. Have you ever experienced anything remotely close to do this simple activity, and if you get it right, you're going to get $100,000? It doesn't have to be $100,000, but have you ever had that level of pressure to do something that you consider a menial task? Not really, although I will say this. I have won multiple half-court shootouts at live events.

Define live event. Where you pay like going to a basketball game for a school event. So like a high school game? Sure. And then they say, all right, $5. Everybody who wants to take a half court shot, put in $5, $10. What? This sounds like gambling.

You've never heard this before. No, because it's illegal. It's gambling. You pay $10, everybody gets a half court shot, and then whoever makes the half court shot splits the pot. That's gambling. That's, don't tell. This is happening at the schools? No, no, no. It's called a half court shootout. That's gambling. That's don't tell. This is happening at the schools? No, no, no. It's called a half court

shootout. Oh, okay. For money. And I'm just saying I've won a couple of those. So the pressure's been on. The crowd's been watching. And then of course the gaming commission has his eyes on it. Do you go baseball or chest shot? He goes basketball

shot. What are you talking about? Well, no. Some people do the baseball throw. Yeah, some people who don't play basketball. Yeah, I just do a normal shot. Nobody who grew up playing basketball is going to half court and throwing this thing like a football or a baseball. Nobody.

Probably not. But I'm just saying I've made a couple. How many half court gambling events have you won, Jason? I have won exactly zero. So wait, it's not gambling if the crowd, they choose you from the crowd to win something. It's gambling if you put the $10 in. Right, because you're betting to be able to win money.

It's a charity event, though. It's like a 50-50 raffle. You go to the Diamondbacks game. Okay. You put in the money. Half of it goes to charity. Half goes to the maker of the shot. Yeah, I don't.

Yeah, I assume that's gambling. It's half gambling. I've always felt like. It's a fundraiser. I've always felt like there is a very thin line of those 50-50 raffles. I'm like, wait, I can do this. But you're saying like I can't. It's all a farce.

It's like the whole lottery. Save the schools. Save the schools. But you can't win if you don't play. That's right. Anyways. What was the question? I'm taking the million dollar shot.

I think I've got a 50-50 chance of making it. So I'm just looking at probability here. I think it's 98% that I get the $100,000. I think it's 25% that I get a million. And at those odds, I'm just taking that hundo. I'm taking the $100,000 cash at hand. Look at you being practical. Okay, Andy, what if I told you it's a double rim?

Oh, like the infamous street courts that don't want me to make it? Yes. Metal net. Metal net? No, the net doesn't matter. Oh, I love a metal net. You like the metal net. Oh, man, growing up, I replaced my net on my hoop.

Shink, shink. This sounds fantastic. You replaced your home net with a metal net? You like the metal net? Oh man, growing up, I replaced my net on my hoop. Shink! Shink! The sound's fantastic. You replaced your home net with a metal net? Yes, sir. Because I scorched him. Didn't want him to catch fire. He wanted it to make the exact same sound when it went in as when it missed off the rim. So he always thought he made it. But yeah, double rim.

Does that make a difference for you? Oh, of course it does. Yeah, I ain't taking the double rim shot. I ain't going to the circus. The fair, the county fair here. Double rim shot layup is now 25%. Yeah, double rim's a problem. And that's all for just vandalism. They just put those up there so nobody dunks away the rim. Try tearing this down.

Triple rim. Keith from Patreon. If you couldn't grow hair anywhere on your body, would you rather be a man or a woman? What? Wait. What? Okay. If you couldn't grow hair anywhere on your body, would you rather be a man or a woman?

So men can no longer grow mustaches or beards. Okay. Right. You can't grow hair anywhere on your body. Are we just going to go head down? No, my point is women already don't grow mustaches and beards. Well, they try not to. Well, sure.

Women, they would never have to shave, but they'd be bald. A woman's hair is maybe more important to them than a man's hair is. I don't know how important is your hair, Jason. Not that important. I mean, look at me. It's more socially acceptable to be bald as a man. Jason, how important was your hair? Oh, yeah, that's a better question.

I remember when. That one hurts a little bit more than the first question. Honestly, it's never been that important. I've never had good hair. Like your hair, Mike, is, naturally thick and wavy. It's got, like, some texture to it. It's out of control. I have to put it under this hat.

Right. Because there's just too much of it. Too much fire. My hair, every strand, has always been the thinnest. It's always been waiting to leave. Straightest. Yeah, it's like I'm just. It's got a bus ticket.

I'm only here for a little while, man. They i don't i don't need to be special up here i just i'm i'm you know putting out little strands and i'll be gone soon um so my hair's never really been that important to me i think i would rather be a man what is the most what is what is the most show outrageous hair you have ever had well that's easy not and not short but like any type of length so my most outrageous hair was when i went as tobias uh for halloween that's what i said i want i want length of hair you went that's you you shaved your head. Well, but no, not for, I had the hair ring around the outside.

Yeah, you had the horseshoe. Yeah, I had the horseshoe. I had to leave the... Have you ever had long hair of any kind? No. No, never. Not even like, the longest hair I ever had

was when, you know, JTT had that middle split down the front and it just kind of laid a little bit down towards the ears. That's the longest hair I've ever had. What about you, Andy? What's the longest your hair has ever been? It's the same story.

Have you had that hair? It's the middle part. It's the stupid middle. And I had the whitest hair as a kid. It's translucent like a jellyfish. I put this middle part white hair. And with glasses the size of Canada I looked like the

And I was five foot tall I was a hideous creature I mean this with all of my heart I mean just physically You were such a nerd You nerd Little tiny nerd Over there with his big old glasses, his tiny little body.

It's funny because you're bald and you have glasses now. Yeah, and now I'm short and you're tall. Something about a tiny body there. I'm a nerd. Matt from the website, would you rather drink a bottle of hot sauce or a bottle of soy sauce? So that's tough because the soy sauce, that's the saltiest product we know of, right? That's the saltiest thing that exists on the planet? Liquid salt.

I mean, other than physical salt. It's delicious. It is delicious. Other than hard salt, this is liquid salt. Other than Flavico. Boom. Boom. Yeah, that's-

But even that, I mean, it's like- Oh, that's saltier than salt. At least I'd pass out halfway through that. No, soy sauce is so salty. Hot sauce, I feel like I could drink a higher quantity. There's a penalty, though. Oh, yeah. You mean before and after.

Yes. So I think you've got to go with the soy sauce. I feel like the soy sauce is going to raisin' you all up. You're going to be completely out of... You're going to look like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Exactly. Dehydration immediately. You've chosen poorly, and your whole body shrivels up.

At least hot sauce is more delicious. I love soy sauce. Salt water is great. But I do think there's more flavor in hot sauce. If we can pick our favorite hot sauce here to drink a bottle of, new little mini question here, which hot sauce would you pick? Oh, Frank's. Well, no.

Ooh, that's the problem. Right. Because I love Frank's. No, no, no. Because I love Frank's, but I feel like if I drink a whole bottle of Frank's, we will no longer be friends because of what Frank has done to my body. Yeah, you're going to have a bad situation, and you're going to look down on Frank. See, I think I would go Cholula because it's good flavor, and it's not that spicy.

Maybe I want something spicier if I'm eating it in a normal manner, but if I've got to drink a whole bottle, an actually hot hot sauce would just destroy me. I can't do that. So Cholula would be my answer. I'm going hot sauce. I'm going soy. I'm going soy. Working through that, I realize I really don't want to drink a bottle of hot sauce.

Speaking of bottles, would you rather, this is from Brent, would you rather wear a diaper for the rest of your life or only be able to would you rather wear a diaper for the rest of your life or only be able to drink out of a baby bottle for the rest of your life? Oh, man. Now, the diaper, I think we at least have some benefits where, look, we've all been on that road trip. We've all been desperate for. I've been there.

You've been there with me. Oh, we have all been desperate for. The older I get, the more I'm there. Yeah, and not just that. So you have that built in, but I have these tiny chicken legs. Yeah, we've been talking about that, actually. Yeah, a lot of people have. And my rump, there's little ump to the rump. yeah we've talked we've been talking about that and and uh yeah a lot of people have and and my

rump is is there's there's little ump to the rump right it's more yeah it's a rimp it's a rip thank you yeah you got to take one of the lines off of the u right and that describes what i have but if i'm wearing a if i'm wearing a diaper oh you're thinking you're packing i got i got a little badonkadonk yeah i got i got butt implants now see this is a problem for me because I've got some junk in the trunk. So now I'm like. You're blasting off. I got to call my friends before I come over and say. You have a room.

What's your doorway? You have to close the U. Yeah, a room. You know, how wide is your doorway? Can I come over? Do you have a sliding glass door? You know that no matter what size your rump or rimp or whatever, you're still making the diaper sound.

I mean, the diaper sound, the walk. And then somebody stops to hear it, and you stop moving. What are we listening for? Did you hear that? I did. I heard something. What was that? So, I mean, you've got, I mean.

Just a nice sit down. But, I mean, it's a little bit. It's also going to be pretty emasculating, you know, if I'm sitting down for like a business meeting and I have to drink out of a baby bottle. Yes. Now, sir, I think I deserve that promotion here's the thing i'll have another two percent i can go to a business meeting and not have a drink i can i can go without the water i

might you know worst case scenario i got some dry mouth i'm you know struggling but i'm gonna be okay the diaper the walk the sound and i don't know what the rules are meeting you're not getting up and you don't have to go to the bathroom i don't know what the rules are here but i know that if i had to wear a diaper all the time like i did magical rule you that your wardrobe is diapers i'm not using it i'm never never not unless i mean obviously if there's an emergency, I'd be happy. But today, there's only been one of those. So that's once that I would be happy. It was one time.

It was one time. Dang it, I wish I had a diaper. But outside of that, I would be going to the bathroom, and then I'd be pulling down my diaper to go to the restroom in a toilet because I don't want to walk around in my excrement. Call me crazy. Not again. Yeah.

Fool me once. How often do I get a change? Whenever you want. So, like, if you can change every single time you make a duty. No, I mean, this is a really important question, Al, and I need the answer. Is this a high flow nipple on this bottle? That is important. Or am I just like you're sipping on it. So this is taking me forever to drink anything. Yep. Oh man. Those go low, low, low flow. Yeah. I mean, that's how I wear the diaper. The low need to be able to guzzle down, you know, soy sauce, some soy sauce. Oh, man.

That's legitimately the biggest problem. Because you can put anything in a baby bottle, and that's fine. It's your thing. You mean the guy that drinks everything from the baby bottle? No one. Your thing is not you use a baby bottle. But it's an issue if you can't actually drink from it. Right. Like, it takes a baby sucking on that thing that thing like 10 minutes to get half of a bottle

down. It's not like you can really go that much faster. You can't go faster than a baby? I don't think so. How fast can it go out of that little tiny hole? There's only one way to find out.

Alright, let's order some baby bottles. Alright, we got time for one more or do you want to get into Liar bottles. Alright, we got time for one more or do you want to get into Liar Liar there? We got time for one more. Okay. He doesn't want to be squashed just yet. Squid Squad from the website. Would you rather only be able to watch TV shows or only be able to watch movies for the rest of your life?

I feel like this was, I feel like we answered something like this before. That's right. I'm a TV show guy. I need bite-sized chunks i want to be able to just you know i'm not going to go back i don't go back to movies if i start a movie and i have to get up and do something i just don't go back to it i like movies more than i like tv shows but i watch tv shows more than i watch movies so this is really tough because there's just what do you like more what do you do more yeah yeah because you know there's just... What do you like more? What do you do more? Yeah. Yeah, because there's one TV show can be seven seasons and it's just a matter of time, right?

I can watch that longer than a two-hour movie and you're done. So I feel like I've got to keep the TV shows, but I'm devastated here to lose movies because movies are like... They're better. Yes, 100%. They're better. Movies are better. Movies are amazing.

Movies are like- Have you seen how long they are? Did you know that you can pause them? Andy very much knows that you can pause movies. Yeah, but how do you know where to pause if you're asleep? That is your problem. If I had a sensor that would auto-pause when it detected my circadian rhythm beginning- So you don't know that moment?

No. Where, like... No, I doze. I got like a 20-minute doze sesh where I've got little vague memories of what's happening. Because I go... You have a moment where you're falling asleep? Well, I have the process where it's... You lay down, or you're kind of sitting in the bed.

Because I do movies every night before I go to sleep. Slowly, the body just naturally goes to a more reclined position. And eventually, I'll hit the point where I'm closing my eyes. Yeah. And, oh, no, I'm just going to listen. I'm just going to listen to what's going on. And then you realize, this is ridiculous. Why am I watching a movie?

So you have the wherewithal to hit the old pause button. Well, I just turned the TV off. It automatically pauses. You guys know sleep's a little bit better when it's still running. Really? You think sleep is better? When there's sleep's a little bit better if you're doing something naughty like falling asleep in the middle of a movie.

Oh, man. It's a little bit naughty. I'm not supposed to be falling asleep right now, but I'm doing it. This director would be so upset with me. Yeah. I'm not supposed to go to sleep on the couch. But I'm doing it. You can't stop me.

The sleep feels so good right now. I'm going movies, man. I want the auto detection that will pause for me. That's what I want. You want glasses that you wear. No, just if my eyes are closed for more than, I don't know, two seconds, it pauses. Yeah. That would work, right?

That would work. Not like every blink. Unless you do a really long blink, then you're going to be annoyed. Two seconds is a good threshold. Two seconds. When are your eyes closed for more than two seconds when you're not getting ready to sleep i you ever do the mic when you're when you're trying you're thinking hard that's a hard think man i mean you you that's a one one one mississippi two mississippi you're the one i watch uh so when you're dozing off you're like you don't go to the i'm just gonna

listen you go to the one eye i have i think i'll sleep on this side of my face yeah that's exactly why it's when you're when you're going on the side and like you're kind of just too smashed into the pillow for for both eyes i'll keep one eye on it i've done that at like someone's giving a talk and i've gone one eye and i know i'm dancing with the devil a talk like someone in person giving you yeah oh yeah where i'm like i don't want to fully fall asleep here but i feel like i need to so i'm gonna like no one can see my left eye. So I'm going to sleep on that side. I'll tell you what I've definitely done with the pizza movie night with the kids.

Oh, yeah. And like, look, that's Friday night. Sometimes the movie gets started a little bit late. I will go one eye. I'll keep the eye that they can see. Yeah. I will keep that open. And I'm trying to, I'm shutting off half my brain.

Never gotten sunglasses inside, Mike? Daddy's watching. Oh, man. My eyes were dilated. All right, it's time for some Liar Liar. liar liar pants on fire today's the day yes it is down with out down without three rounds liar. Two truths, one lie. Never been done. Never defeated Al.

No one has gone 3-0 against him yet. They say it can't be done. I say it will be done today. We all have busy lives. We have things that we do, the footballers and the spitballers, and we're family men. The most important thing to Al in his entire life is beating us at this. So I'm not surprised that it happens.

I know he has a child, but you don't see him much, do you? Nah, not anymore. See, not ever since Liar Liar came around. I just read the very first factoid here, and it is delightful. I'm already thrown off. I don't know if this is true or a lie, but it's an amazing factoid. Oh, great. All right, round one.

Fact one. There is a basketball court on the top floor of the Supreme Court named the highest court in the land. So stupid. Fact two. The term president was coined when the nation elected the first principal resident to rule in the highest capacity. What does that even mean yeah exactly why uh the third

fact is two-thirds of canada's population resides south of seattle that's a very high number two-thirds and i buy it i i buy it i toronto south of Seattle, right? Yeah, and the north of that country is very cold. Yeah, but there's parts of Canada that do come down. And I think that the majority of... I apologize, Canadians. I know very little of your country. We're down south of Arizona. We don't know much.

Yeah. But, I mean, like Toronto and Vancouver. Yeah. You know, places that we've heard of. Quebec. People live... Well, I don't know about Quebec. Yeah. You know, places that we've heard of. Quebec. People live. Well, I don't know about Quebec. It's funny because you say that.

And I would imagine, like, if we lived in Michigan or somewhere up north, you know, if you're in Diet Canada land, then that. Diet Canada? Diet Canada. That's the, you know, the top of the U.S. We've given Michigan away? Yeah. I feel like I would know more, but if you ask me details about South America right now,

we're close to Mexico. We're close to Central America. Yeah. See? What are some of the Central American countries? Goodness gracious. Mexico. Nailed it.

Nope. Oh, really? No. Oh, wow. Wait, what? I don't consider Mexico part of Central America. Well, Central America certainly does. Okay, new liar, liar factoid.

What do you consider a part of? I consider it to be part of North America. North America? Yeah. Central America would be like, what, Guatemala, Honduras, Peru? I believe you're- I don't know that. The technicality, because of continents,

there's North America and South America. Yeah, and obviously there's not a Central America. But when you're breaking down the regions, you would call it Central. I nailed this one, by the way. Seven countries are part of Central America. Belize, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala. Peru? Peru?

Honduras, Nicaragua, and Panama. Oh, I was so close. You said Panama, and it was Peru. No Mexico. I don't suck. Two-thirds suck, so was so close. You said Panama, and it was Peru. No, Mexico. I don't suck. We, two-thirds suck, so you suck, too. That's two-thirds of Canada's population, south of Seattle. What's the lie here?

I mean, this basketball court shenanigans. It's absolutely nonsense. Did you guys know that there is a basketball hoop inside of the Matterhorn in Disneyland? I feel like that's a widely known. Is there hoops everywhere? Is that what this is? No, not in the Supreme Court. Someone been hiding hoops all over the Disneyland? I feel like that's a widely known. Is there hoops everywhere? Is that what this is? No, not in the Supreme Court. Someone been hiding hoops all over the place?

I'm locking it in. That's nonsense. There's no way that there's. It's funny. When it said on the top floor of the Supreme Court, I guess, look, I'm going to let you in on my brain. I was like, is this the Supreme Court is like a tall building? Or I don't know. They certainly have to meet somewhere.

And who's using it? The people on the Supreme Court are all. Ruth Bader Dunksburg. Oh, nice. All right, B. Well, so here's the problem. I think that's what I'm locking in is my line. I'm worried we're all going to strike out. If you guys want to lock that one in, I'll, for the sake of. I think the president what I'm locking in as my lie I'm worried we're all gonna know I'm not gonna if you guys want to lock that

one in all for the sake of I mean I think the president wants to lie okay all right that's fine it was a hogwash sentence man the term president was coined when the nation elected the first principal resident to rule in the highest capacity so there would essentially principal resident live in the White

House right like the you were now it sounds more plausible they saying that George Georgie Porgy was the principal resident and then we're like that's dumb let's we're we need to contract that yeah that's what i think he's trying to tell me that principal resident turned into president i buy it but wait the the white house was not built before correct so then he wouldn't have been the principal resident. He was the president before. But he might have been the principal resident of the country. He had to live somewhere.

Yeah. Why does he have to live in the White House? All right, I'll lock that one in as a lie and take one for the team. All right, thank you. You guys are both going basketball court? Yeah, there's no basketball court. What if it's the third one and we're just losing right here? Oh, man.

All right, what's the truth? You didn't take one for the team because you got it right. Oh yes. The president was a lie and the basketball court is a fact. That's so dumb. What are you talking about? I'm still alive baby. There is a basketball court. This is where our tax money is going for 80 year olds geriatrics to have a hoop. How do you think that they've served so long? Pickup games during lunch. All right, round two. Oh, my gosh.

I'm looking at pictures. This is a full-fledged basketball court, an indoor sports court. Why are we building that? It's for the clerks. This sounds like something Nixon did. Yeah, definitely Nixon. That's a real Nixon move. He was a hoopster. All right, round two.

A duck's quack does not echo, and no one knows why. Audiologists have confirmed the phenomenon, but cannot identify the specific sonic properties. I believe that. I am very confident. The old trivia neurons are firing that that one is true. Hitting me too. Fact two, a single litter of kittens will often have multiple fathers.

That is why a litter may often have varying characteristics. That's a hogwash lie. What? Like distinct color differentiation. A single litter of kittens will often have multiple fathers. That would mean that there's multiple impregnations, and then they all come out in one litter? Yeah, I believe it.

Okay. I mean, cats are floozies, so maybe. All right, third one. Why are you getting cat shame right now? Have you ever met a cat before, Mike? If a female kangaroo is being chased by a predator, and she has a joey in her pouch, she will throw the joey at the predator to increase her chances at escape.

Oh, man. That is brutal. I respect it. Oh, man. I respect it. We don't know what it's like to be chased down by a predator in Australia. I think I'm locking in the kittens being the lie. A single litter of kittens having multiple fathers.

No. No, I say no to that. The duck one, I believe. And the female kangaroo throwing her, Joey. Look, nature's a... We've talked about Australia. That's a wild place. It is.

I just saw a video of the biggest spider that you've ever seen climbing out of a door handle. Oh, God! Of a door handle out of a door handle. Oh, gosh! Of a door handle? Like a door handle to a car. It was hiding underneath it. Stop it! And, of course, is Australia. I'm serious.

If you were a kangaroo in Australia, you'd throw your joeys all over the place to stay alive. You have a joey, you have a joey. That is such bad motherly instinct. Yeah, but kangaroos are ornery little animals. Aren't there animals that just eat their kids? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that happens.

I think those are insects. I don't know of an animal. Are there animals that just do any mammals do that? I feel like a shark would eat a runt of its litter. I could see that. I could see that. Sharks might just be getting a bad rap, though. Definitely crabs do, because my daughter was just watching a what something on netflix oh they eat themselves and uh you know like uh there's just like thousands of these crabs going and

they're like the baby ones they're teeny teeny tiny and there's one big crab just just reaching down gobbling these things down like popcorn look if if the the single litter of kittens has multiple fathers then my understanding of reproductive life has been shattered so i'm locking that in as a lie jason it can definitely happen well yeah if they got multiple like there's there's multiple eggs so there's multiple yeah but one i'm locking i'm locking litter yeah it could definitely happen all right. I'm locking in the female kangaroo will not throw the joey. Is that how twins and triplets? It can happen, man.

World's crazy. All right, Jace. So if I didn't hear you guys. You're locking in the joey, Mike? Yeah. If I didn't hear your guys' confidence on the duck's quack not echoing, I would say that that seems impossible. Yeah, that's true. We were I would say that that seems impossible.

Yeah, that's true. We were really quick to shut that one down. This has happened before. I guess I've already lost round one, so I'm going to lock in the Ducks echo because one, I don't think I should trust you guys based on last time around, and two, it just seems impossible. Al, what'd you lock in andy kids okay uh jason you uh got that one right you learned to never trust your friends and it paid off

although that means i swear i've heard that that is a very common myth so that one actually that's why i've heard it searching for common myths are we ah that's why I've heard it. Searching for common myths, are we? Ah, that's actually brilliant. So multiple fathers for a litter, huh? Yeah. Yes. That's definitely plausible. It's called super fecundation. Super what?

Super made it up. Okay. Well, kangaroos are the worst. No. That's what I learned. Wait. That's a true one. That's true?

That is true. No. That's got to be real sad. I don't see that on Nature Channel I learned. Wait. That's a true one. That's true? That is true. No. That's got to be real sad. I don't see that on Nature Channel very often. Yeah. I thought I liked kangaroos. Cowards. Oh, cowaroos.

I mean, generally, the mothers will give themselves up for their young, right? Yes. Like a mama bear? Yeah. Kangarooed? Oh, man. All right, so this is a stupid round three for stupid game and stupid owl. A group of sloths is called a snuggle.

A group of porcupines are called a prickle. And a group of snakes is called a wiggle. Oh, man. And one of those is false. One of those. Wait, that means two of these are true, which is insane. I can't think that a group of snakes is called a wiggle. But I can't think that a group of porcupines is called a prickle, man.

I'm locking that one, and it's true. Are you? Yes. A prickle? I mean, look, it didn't work for round two. Do they have all the adults naming the animals, and the kids name all the groups of animals? Apparently. Oh, yeah.

Okay. I'm locking in the prickles. Not true. animals? Apparently. Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm locking in the prickles. Not true. I can't live in that world. A snuggle? I mean, sloths are very snuggly. Yeah. So are joeys.

Oh. Oh. Why do you have to bring that horrific? Because I had an alligator chasing this kangaroo in my mind. That's where I was at. So now I'm seeing a joey. Well, that alligator is a full belly. That's right. Full belly of a joey.

Oh no! Which one are you locking in? Yeah, Jason, what are you going? I'm going wiggle. A group of snakes is not called a wiggle. We'll find out. Sloth, snuggle. Snakes, wiggle. One of us is going to win the game and get the most right here. Oh, that's

a good point. No, because I'm at zero. Well, one of us. Jason and I are going to get the most right here. Oh, that's a good point. No, because I'm at zero. Okay. Well, one of us. Jason and I are going to win the game. Yeah. Oh, well, then I have to possibly tie? Yeah. Well, then I got – look, I think the wiggle is the lie,

but for the competition of redeeming myself and tying it, I have to go with – Snuggle? Sloths. A group is called a snuggle. All right. Which – your instincts were correct mike the wiggle is the lie yeah i wouldn't i win today even though we all feel like we all

lost yeah oh not all of us all righty it's time for a draft the spitballers Draft. All right, Mike has the first pick on today's draft, and we are drafting alternatives to water to fill a swimming pool. So you don't get to fill your swimming pool with water today. You fill it with something else. I know what I'm filling your pool with. Oh, we're not filling each other's pools, Mike.

I've had you over to swim before. I know what you fill my pool with. You're up first. And you have to pick something. I have no idea what to do. I have a list of probably 20 things. You came up with a list. I did not come up with a list.

And I'm sure that'll bite me here shortly. But I'm going free thoughts. Fill that pool with something that isn't water. Yeah, and I want to be able to at least get into it. Maybe someone's going to Scrooge McDuck it, I don't know, and put the gold coins in there, but it's a swimming pool. I still need to at least pretend that I can use it as a swimming pool. That's my approach.

I want things that I'm going to use. When you were a child, or at least I won't speak universally, I will speak for myself, there was always the dream of like, man, what if this swimming pool was full of Coca-Cola? And that has stuck with me, so I'm going to take Coca-Cola. Okay. I can swim in it. I know that whatever goes, we're clean.

You don't need to put chlorine. Well, that's what they use to clean your shirt anyway, right? If you go into a pool of Coca-Cola, you're coming out just squeaky clean. Bubbling. I don't think that's going to be true. Have you ever seen a rusty penny go into Coca-Cola? No. It comes out shiny.

That's a problem. You'll be really sticky, though. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that part is true. Everywhere. No rust, though. Real sticky everywhere. Yep.

Well, look. But also, my belly will be full of Coca-Cola. That's true. You would just drink some of that. You're darn right I would. Yeah, you left the 101 on the table. I'm afraid did too dude i mean of course he did because the chance the chance to take the dive that we all want to take and i know it's gonna be a rough landing but i'm filling this sucker with hundred dollar bills y'all and i'm i'm putting the i'm putting the

blow look if you put a blower down at the money what do you think happens when i land like you get all the bills kind of floating up and you jump into hundred dollar bills i think you probably go to the bottom of the pool no is that for real could i sink in this what did you think what are you trying to do? You thought it would be too hard of a landing. Yeah. I don't think you go to the bottom of the pool. If this thing's filled with $100 bills, I think it's an okay landing. Really?

I was worried I was going to break my body, and Mike's sitting here thinking I could sink. Look, there's only one way to find out. You're blowing them. I guess it's how dense it is. If you just fill it up and you pay no mind to it's not stacks of cash it's not wrapped yeah it's just loose bills i think you're okay loose bills oh if you put the stacks that's not the one by the way oh goodness well why do you want money in your pool i want he wants to be he wants people to take pictures of him with money in his pool. I'm just saying, diving into a pool of money, we've all seen it.

Well, I've seen it with coins. Yeah, but that would hurt. That would be really, really uncomfortable. Yeah, but it would be cool. Oh, man. All right, so you got dollar bills. Jumping on the money will hurt, too. It will also smell more than you think.

Oh, yeah. Oh, money's super dirty. Yeah, you're covered in germs. I'm going to need to pour some coke in this pool. Yeah, you do. Wow. So, okay, this is going all different directions. My number one is Jell-O.

I want Jell-O in my pool. It's on my list. It would be super cool to jump into Jell-O. I see nodding producers over there. It is on my list. I fear, though, that that will be the final jump you ever make. Yes, I feel like, let's say you dive off a diving board. You're getting down in there like head first.

How do you get out? Let's say you jump from a thousand feet up. No, no. I'm not diving boarding this thing. I'm taking an off the side cannonball into jello. Yeah, and you're getting down in there and you're never getting out. You think I'm breathing jello into my lungs? Yeah, well, no, you're breathing no

air into your lungs. You're done. Well, I'm certainly going to get some jello in there if I'm trying to gasp for air. Would that preserve him? Would he be like preserved in Jell-O? Like amber? Exactly. This is amber. He can't decompose because he's protected.

I could get out of a pool of Jell-O. No, you could not. You definitely could not make it out of a pool of Jell-O. Wait a minute. Let me think about this. Jell-O is movable. It's malleable. I think he could get out of this Jell-O. I could get an it out of a pool of jello. Wait a minute. Let me think about this. Jello is movable. It's malleable. I think he could get out of this jello.

I could get an air hole. Nope. I put everything I own that you were not making it out of that pool. I guess I couldn't swim in it. That would be the problem. Have you ever gone into the foam pits at the trampoline parks? Yeah. Getting out.

Yes, you can get out. But there's areas. You know how hard it is to get out. That could be a problem. Man, what a backfire dying in that jello pool would be. Here's the thing. To me, I'm picking items that would look cool in a pool

and be fun to jump in. Someone will pull me out of this. Yeah, you need help. I've got friends. Help! Alright. Alright. The next one gets a little harder. I mean, I feel like there's an obvious

102 for Andrew Holloway. Yeah, it's on my list. How do you not take it? Alright, I'm going ice cream, baby! You would not have made it back. Fill my pool with ice cream and fill my belly with joy. And that would be pretty fun.

That would be for a minute. For a minute. Here's the climate control. I'll probably drown in that ice cream, too, which is how I want to go in life. The real problem here is simply put temperature. I mean, we don't get into the pool when the pool is 70 degrees. It's the first existence of, excuse me, is your pool cooled? Yes.

Yeah, you would want to keep it nice and chilled. I mean, just imagine rubbing ice cream all over your body. Oh, it sounds awful. Now, get all up in it. So that is... Oh, that's good time. And Mike baited me into it. I thought maybe he'd come back.

Okay. No, I would have taken it, just in spite of you. Okay. All right. Now, I'm going to have a hard time swimming in my money, but I'm going to be filthy rich. Okay. So I need a liquid here. I need something...

Jason's got an empty pool by that afternoon. He jumps in. He darn right. Pulls all the dollars out. I'm like, okay, back up the truck. Let's to the bank um i i want to be able to swim and use my pool okay and i want considered ice cream but i do i'm i've got a sweet tooth i love i love sugar are you filling it with sugar no because that's not a liquid i am filling it with sugar? No, because that's not a liquid. I am filling it with one of the most delicious and underrated drinks. And I had one last night.

I am filling this with horchata. Yeah, baby. Interesting. Horchata. Oh, yeah. This is a man who's got no list. He just thought about what's the most recent thing I drank. No, I thought about what's the most delicious thing I've drank.

You're a big horchata fan. Yeah. That's like cinnamon milk. Yes. So you made fun of ice cream, but what temperature is your cinnamon milk? A lot warmer than frozen ice cream. Well, my ice cream is- One of them you put in the fridge and one you put in the freezer.

That's fair. That's a fair point. And both at room temperature. One would still be good. Yeah, the ice cream. It completely changes. No, the ice cream isn And both at room temperature. One would still be good. It completely changes. No, the ice cream isn't good at room temperature. Room temperature milk? It's not milk, Horchata.

It's not milk. It's milky. It's a rice drink. Yeah, but it's milky in consistency. I'm just saying it's not dairy. This is dairy. Wait, it makes a difference if it's dairy milk? Do you drink your Horchata at room temperature yes

or no are you a psychopath i prefer it chilled but i will certainly drink a room temperature horchata all right no ice yeah no i'm not putting ice in the pool okay not a psycho i didn't expect horchata as round two pick here mike was that on your list? It was not. It was definitely not. Alright, I have my next two picks lined up. Okay. Oh, dairy-free. Confirmed. Okay, there you go. It's still going to be gross at room temperature. Number one, I don't know how much

swimming I would be able to do inside of this pool. That's okay. I'll probably just sit on the stair and I'll just let it wash all over me because I'm getting a pool full of puppies, baby. It would be awesome. That would be so fun. The problem is like...

The poor puppy's at the bottom. The puppy's at the bottom. Survival of the fittest, man. All the cutest puppies end up on top? Well, he's got a layer of joeys at the bottom that the mom threw in, and then he put some puppies to just trample over them. It's not very full. It's not very full. It's a play pool.

Yeah. And these puppies come from a litter of multiple fathers. Oh, man. That's a good one. Yes. I will take the puppies. I tried to think about some living creatures, but I was worried about the bottom. Yeah.

Especially if it's a deep end pool. I mean, it's a diving pool. I feel like all of these are diving pools because you got to be able to dive into them. Well, I apologize. Cannonball crunch. Oh, no. Apologize to those puppies. Now, this pool, I am definitely not swimming in.

Okay. And this will. Scorpions. You have no idea how close you are. Spiders? No. You have no idea how close you are. Spiders?

No, because Jason, while his $100 bills are in there, my pool will be filled with a liquid that is valued at $39 million per gallon. And that is scorpion venom, Jason. He filled his pool? You're going money? I'm going money. You're selling scorpion venom? I meant one gallon is worth $39 million. You looked up the most expensive liquid.

You're darn right I did. Wow. I'm all in, baby. You just filled your pool with scorpion venom. Enjoy your million dollars, Jason. I will because I'll be alive. I'm not going in. Oh, I'm pushing you.

I'm coming up right behind. Wait, if you fall in a pool of scorpion venom, you're probably okay, right? You're dead. No. You're dead. As long as it doesn't go in an orifice. I mean, you've got ears and nose and eyes. There's no way that you're going in a pool of scorpion.

Does venom affect you? Your ears aren't connected to your bloodstream. But even your skin. If you were to rub it all over. It could irritate. It's like an SPF 70. But no, I mean, things that go on the skin can get in your bloodstream but even even your skin if you were to rub it all over it could irritate it's like an spf 70 but no i mean things that could go on the skin this feels like a stream here if you drain a spider or a snake venom onto the outside of your skin that ain't doing nothing uh how about wipe it away how about taking a bath in gallons and gallons of it al i need you to weigh in with

perfect scientific accuracy what's happening if you get a little venom on your skin or all over you i don't know i'm trying to figure that out i'll get back to you okay all right he'll do some research so back to you whatever i'm filthy rich so what do you got so far so i have coca-cola puppies and scorpion venom oh this draft all right jason you have what horchata and dollars yeah baby i'm happy so all right this one is just going to be a lot of fun and it's really for science more than anything because i've always wondered what the truth is here and we're going to find out it's going to be terrifying oh i don't know what you call them, but the play place balls. Yeah, the plastic balls.

Oh, yes. The plastic balls. Oh, that's the best pick of the entire draft. Can you swim out? No. I don't think you can. I don't think you can. But you're not going to die either.

No, because there's air in there. I've been down beneath in those plastic balls before. But that's what I want to know. Am I going to have to walk my way out? Yes. Can I stay horizontal and swim horizontal to the shallow end and just move myself out? I don't think so. But I want to know.

And there's only one way to find out, is to take these little plastic balls and fill up my pool. It's on my list. That would be fun. I mean, that would be a super awesome cannonball. It would. By the way, according to Al, even the smallest ulcer or cut anywhere in the mouth or throat or lesion on the skin would allow the venom to be absorbed, resulting in the same effect as being injected.

Yeah, because that's getting into your body. So I hope you don't have any scratch on you. But yes, the molecules of venom aren't too big to be absorbed through the skin. So you're dying, probably. Well, it depends on... Does your head go under? If my head goes under, then it's a problem. Well, then I have a different problem.

If I drown him, he's dead. If I drown him in scorpion venom, is it me that killed him, or is it the venom? Or has he been poisoned? All right. So you just drafted plastic walls. I have my final two picks, right? Yes. All right.

I'm going to go with what I was about to draft last time before I had to claim ice cream for my brand. I'm going pillows. I'm filling it with pillows. That was my next pick and also my only other pick. All right. To the thinking cap I go. So I'm going pillows because, come on, that would be extremely fun to jump in a pool of pillows.

Just don't land on the steps. That's all I'm going to say. My last one, look, I'm not coming at it from the perspective of, oh, I'm going to make a bunch of money with my scorpion venom on my dollars. I'm going with a gotcha. Because I want somebody else to jump in this pool. I'm filling it with acid. I'm filling the pool with acid because that's going to be

a little bit of gotcha. So from not making money to jail. Is it me that killed them if they thought the water was acid or was it the acid? if they thought the acid was water? Was it the acid? I don't know.

Was it the acid? You shouldn't have jumped in my pool. That's right. When I pushed you. As long as you have a sign up, I think you're covered. Cyanide or sign up? No, a sign. Oh, okay.

It says caution, acid. Caution. Pool water is acid. Pool water is acid. Maybe acid. I feel bad for your pool equipment, if I'm being honest. That's disintegrating very quickly. Acid is weird, though. You know how you put bad for your pool equipment, if I'm being honest. That's disintegrating very quickly. Acid is weird, though.

You know how you put acid in your pool? Right. Have any of you ever taken care of your pool with acid? Yeah, because you have to balance it. But it's so weird that acid is just, you can just keep it in a jug of plastic because it can't burn plastic. Yeah, that is. And you can just keep it in your garage. But if you poured it on your skin or on something else.

It'd be like scorpion venom. It would be like diving into a pool of acid science is crazy yeah i'm feeling like acid was a bad pick yeah i would agree it's a little strange it's a little unique i would agree all right can i pivot my pick uh is it too late yeah you can talk about uh what's on your uh just leave acid on there that That's fine. Jason needs time. All right. Here I go. Mine's going to be just as bad.

Most of these things... Oh, gosh. I've got two, and they're so different. Didn't Joker get made by jumping into a pool of acid? Well, he didn't jump. He slipped. He either fell... Banana peel? Banana peel?

Or Batman knocked him into it oh depending on which one you watch yeah i i go with yes i go with the he fell it's it's acid though whoops um all right so i could make a super villain just saying you could i don't know that that's something you want to do i got it i got the time i got i i got beard hair you want to do. I got it. I got the time. I got beard hair. You want to know what time it is? It's Cool Whip time, baby. Yeah. I think you would super suffocate in Cool Whip. Yeah, definitely.

I could definitely swim in Cool Whip. Could you eat it fast enough to live? I can. I don't know about you. Wait. Yeah, I think I could swim in Cool Whip. No. No, no.

No, you're too dense. You can't swim in Cool Whip. I can swim in water. Yeah, I think I could swim in Cool Whip. No. No, no. No, you're too dense. You can't swim in Cool Whip. I can swim in water. Yeah, that's... I can swim in water. I can swim in water. I can swim in water, so clearly I can swim in vinegar. Yeah.

What? I probably can't swim in vinegar, Mike. What kind of arguments are we bringing to the table now? Can you swim in a cloud? No, I can't swim in a cloud. Cool Wh kind of arguments are we bringing to the table now? Can you swim in a cloud? No, I can't swim in a cloud. Cool Whip, you're dead. I believe I can swim in Cool Whip, and I would be delicious. Thank you.

It would be delicious. And if I've got to die, I mean, let's be honest. Cool Whip is one of the best ways to go. Mike, you're finishing things up. I've got options for you. I have one that I want to take, but our producer won't check his DMs because I want to make sure that it's a legal pick. Oh, I wonder if it's what I almost went with.

That's good? Yeah. Good. Because I figured there should be absolutely no problem with it. I am converting my swimming pool. See, I almost took it. I just almost took it. Did you?

Yeah. To a jacuzzi? No, I'm taking ice. I am taking ice. I am taking ice. I am freezing it, and it's becoming a rink that I can skate upon. Oh, that's way better than what I was picking. Hold on a second. It was allowed.

Well, it's allowed. Yes, ice, but I don't think it's a flat surface if you're filling it with ice. You don't get the right to control the temperature of it. It's ice. You know what I'm saying? He's pouring in buckets of ice. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's pouring in buckets of ice. I know what you're saying, but I will completely allow him to put in one solid form-fitting block of ice, because I know what it's going to be tomorrow.

Water. Yeah. No. That's illegal. I didn't draft... Wait a minute. I did not draft ice cubes. I drafted ice.

All right. I mean, whatever. We've got... We don't care. Yeah. We've got acid and scorpion venom. You can have whatever you want. Some other options on my long, long list.

Kernels of corn. Thought that might feel good. Oh, yeah. That's a horrific death. Oh, really? Real sharp? Not sharp. You're suffocating for sure. I'm not jumping in on that one.

I'm waiting. Have you not been to the... We have a pumpkin patch around here. No, I can't go to those. Oh, yeah. Morally against them. I try to be as well, and then I get dragged there. But they always have this little area that instead of a ball pit,

it's like a corn kernel pit. And it is disgusting. Yeah, the kids play in disgusting. It is like. Yeah, the kid's playing it. It is so dusty. And the second you touch the corn, your hands are just there. You can't wash it off. It's impossible.

Pudding. Chocolate. Marbles. Chocolate syrup. Chocolate marbles. Mac and cheese. Bubbles. Mac and cheese. How did nobody get mac and cheese?

I almost threw you mac and cheese. Oh, man. That's not bad. And then I thought you could go like salt water so you could float all over the place. Oh, I like that. But that might be a little too close to, I don't know, water. Water. Because my pool is salt water.

Yeah, but I'm talking real salty. Like Dead Sea style? Yeah, Dead Sea. The one that I was going to go with, I was between this and Cool Whip, and then when you said I'm converting my pool, I thought you were going that way. Cement. Just fill it up. Just fill it up. I got a backyard, and now I can put a basketball in it.

You almost converted your pool to a cement slab. Exactly right. It's a court now. It's a basketball court. It's the lowest court in the land. Jeez. Coins was what I was going to pivot from acid to. Oh, that would not feel good.

Just to go Scrooge. Yeah. It'd be a good YouTube video right before the broken bones. Yeah, that would not be good. What did we learn today? I learned that kangaroos are terrible parents. Oh, yeah. Just awful, awful creatures. I learned that Jason has a newfound love. Oh, yeah. Just awful, awful creatures.

I learned that Jason has a newfound love for his number two pick, horchata. Oh, yeah. I learned that be careful with random trivia facts that are in your brain because they might just be urban myths. We were both sure of that one, too. I didn't even have to consider it. I would like to file a formal audit complaint. We'll find out if that's somehow true. Thank you for tuning in, everyone.

We will see you next time. Goodbye. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.