Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Hardware Store Battle and How to Confuse the Air - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

Spit Hit for October 21st, 2021: If you had one shot to draw anything into existence with no erasing, what would you draw? Find out our answers today in 'The Situation Room'. Then, find out how Andy keeps his house cooled down by confusing the air. Also, when sitting on a toilet seat, would you rather it be super sticky or super slippery? We put the nail into this episode with a draft of hardware store items in a fight to the death.  Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads, we got another great Spit Hits episode for you today. We may or may not be fighting to the death on today's episode. We may or may not be talking about sticky or slippery toilet seats. Oh, man. In other words, it is just kind of another... Love me a good sticky toilet seat. ...episode of the Spitballers. So enjoy this classic episode, and we'll be back with a new one soon.

Spitwads, sometimes when things get overwhelming, taking care of yourself, unfortunately, it's the first thing to go. But even if all you can spare is 15 minutes, you can seamlessly fit cardio and strength classes into your routine with Peloton. There's never been a better moment to commit to your fitness goals because the original Peloton bike is now $400 less. Ladies and gentlemen, I love my Peloton. I ride it at least three times a week. Sometimes I get more in there and I've had it now for a little bit over a year and I still love it. I still

continue to use it. I always, you know, you've heard the old, well, if you exercise, you get more energy, and that has not always been the case for me, but I do. After I'm done with the Peloton ride, I feel good. I feel energized. When you take a ride with my man Alex, not only are you physically working out, he's building up a good mental sweat too because he pumps you up. He gets you ready for life. There are so many amazing, incredible instructors in the Peloton family.

I cannot recommend getting one more, more than 100. That's how much I recommend grabbing a Peloton. And experience motivation like never before with the Peloton bike. Now $400 less. Go to OnePeloton.com to learn more. That's O-N-E-P-E-L-O-T-O-N.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I give that scat two thumbs down. I don't think you made the right decision when you kept ascending. Yeah. Well, you know. You committed to it, but then you didn't pull it back in. Once you start, you've got to complete, and I did. You went falsetto, and then you went, like, dog whistle.

Yes. All the dogs are barking. Welcome into the Spitballers Podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back again. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. It's going to be a great show today. We've got the Situation Room. We've got Would You Rather on the show,

and we have an incredible draft. I cannot wait to find out what happens because I know what the draft is, but I have not given it much thought. I feel like I will be more apt to make incredible picks when I'm on my toes, so I'm going to stay on my toes. That's usually when you do your best work. That's the best work. I've given this no thought.

I've given this no thought. I'm just going to off the cuff, man. Come on. Think of all the best musicians. They don't think about anything before they do. They don't spend years and years of practicing their craft. It's all improv. I feel like I've heard this song before.

They don't read music, right? I'm just good now. I'm just winging it. Come on, man. It's all improv. I feel like I've heard this song before. They don't read music, right? I'm just good now. I'm just winging it. Come on, man. It's jazz. This show's like jazz. It is. It is a little bit like jazz. It is, right? I don't know what... Which takes years and years to be good at. I don't know what's going to happen. That's my point. Al Borland's sitting over there,

and he is just excited with anticipation. Al Borland played a little bit of jazz. Say hello, Al. Hey, Spitwats. Okay. Unbelievably excited. That was more than I thought I'd get.

You played some jazz, Borland? I did, yes. What did you play? Wait, let's take a guess. I'm going clarinet. Is clarinet a real jazz? Yeah, clarinet's in certain parts of jazz Trumpet

He was a phenomenal trumpet player He was? Yeah Do you ever do the national anthem? Sometimes they got the guy at the baseball game Do the national anthem with the trumpet I hate baseball Good answer

You know what? Let's just stay quiet over there. Press the mute button. Let's get into the review today. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Pio10964. Ooh. Great name.

Highlight of my week. Five stars. To be honest, I thought that this sounded terrible from a few small preview clips that i heard not the first one peel kind of like the intro to this show won't be the first won't be the last but i am extremely happy that i gave it a chance after the first episode i was hooked and now i look forward to it every week well thank, thank you. You're welcome. Sort of. We appreciate all those reviews. Well, that's okay.

Oh, yeah. Acquired taste. You know? There's a lot of nuance on this show. We're like Vegemites. Just keep listening. If you're new out there, just keep listening. Give it 20 to 60 shows, and by then, you'll get it.

You'll be hooked. Well, look, there are at least 1,000... Wait, 10,964 just like Peele that are listening. Thank you. Your reviews really help the show. Thanks. Apple Podcasts. Subscribe, review, support.

Let's get into the Situation Room. The Situation Realm. What was that? You don't need to have normal... It's like you ran out of breath. I did. Get to the situation. Room.

I was going a little Shatner. The cadence of William Shatner. I'm a rocket man. All right, here's the situation. You've been granted the ability to draw anything into existence. You only have one shot. No erasing. What do you draw?

Now, this is really funny. Well, Jason, you have an answer right away. I know exactly what will exist for sure, and that's going to be a stick man. I know what will exist for sure. And that's going to be a stick man. If this is contingent upon my ability to draw, maybe we get a weird stick horse or some wrong legged dog that looks nothing like a dog. But like, I am always amazed at people with artistic ability. I can't.

Sure. Like when they draw a picture better than what i could visualize to think about considering drawing it uh it's my it's mind-blowing so there would be a stick dude out in the world how exciting would that be though it would be very exciting it would be very funny because i feel like everyone around you would be drawing into existence much more exciting things and this stick guy would come out and be like, seriously? You're talking about that reminds me of in my younger days. So I have a degree in game design.

But before I went to the school to get that, I started attending another school, which was video game art. attended another school uh which was video game art and they somehow convinced me that it wasn't just going to be all drawing like you're you're going to learn how to work on a computer except all of the introduction classes end up being drawing so you're just drawing i am i have i could do stickman like i am not i have no artistic ability when it comes to drawing so i'm pound trying to power through these classes i get to this life drawing class and i live drawing life oh i mean it's just i thought we were gonna get one of those uh models in the room no no it wasn't to that point but will ferrell comes strolling in so i we we have this assignment big assignment you got to do this drawing i set up a pair of shoes and i'm drawing them like i you're drawing

your shoe of course you're drawing shoes but i'm like i'm doing this i i can do this i can learn to draw i spend so much time on this freaking drawing it's the it's the best thing i have ever done i turn it in you know you know like i did it i nailed this assignment i get my paper back d please see me after no oh yeah and i got so body and that was like well this is not for me you tried and that's when you left i got a different degree and that is when I left that school. Wow. So if you drew those shoes into existence, they might not fit properly is what? Shadows would be cast in all different directions?

No. Do you remember the scene where in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when he's putting the shoe in the dip? Yes. And that shoe is being- Terrifying. Yeah. That's the shoes I ended up drawing, apparently. This is exactly like, this situation is like having a genie's lamp,

only you're restrained by your horrible artistic ability. Because you could take a shot at something better, right? You want to go, man, I'm going to draw a dragon. I'm going to create a dragon. And this poor thing, it's going to be like a bad science experiment. Kill me. He's got an extra three legs on one side, one leg on the other side. Kill me.

All its bones are broken. He'd be drawn Trogdor. So, Andy, you're the best artist of the three of us. Apparently. I didn't know that until now. We're on phone calls. You're doodling great, amazing little characters. Little doodles.

Yeah. What would you draw into existence? Would you take your shot at drawing something amazing? Would you try to bring something great into this world? I don't think I could pull it off. I really don't. I mean, because what do you even... You've got one physical item that you want.

How would you even decide what one physical, I can't even think of it. Jetpack. That's what I, that was in my head. Was that really in your head? Yes, I'm not joking. I was thinking of drawing like a Rocketeer's backpack. Yes. Mostly because I went to like, if I could wish one thing and I wanted to fly, how do I fly?

Jetpack. I mean, that's awesome. And if you drew that into existence, you would be drawing yourself out of existence. You're drawing your death very quickly. It would just be... Just draw your tombstone. Can you draw a time machine? That'd be cool. You know the St. Louis Arch?

That will be the path of your flight. It will just be... It's over. What invention did you and I come up with? Do you remember this? Oh, wait. This was the catapult.

Yes. Was this me and you, Mike? No, all three of us. That was the stupidest thing. We were on a trip, and we were lamenting the fact that we were stuck in this car where we had just been on an airplane for six hours. We were saying, what's a better way to travel? And somehow we came up with this catapult.

Al Borland has never heard this. It came up with this catapult. Al Borland has never heard this. It came up with a catapult, but the rules were very intentional, very specific. Eight seconds. That no matter where you're going, that was an eight second? It was an eight second trip. So if you're going across country, you're going very fast. Yeah, so your trajectory is very low to the ground. And if you're going a block over, you're going very high.

You're going way up in the sky. It's so ridiculous. So I would draw that. I'd draw that catapult. The traveling catapult. I would draw a catapult, get in it, and be sent to my death. I would draw a parachute, my friend. Yeah, well, you can draw that for me.

I'm sure you can pull off a parachute drawing. Let me try. I'm just going to draw a sandwich. Oh, you're just... I'm starving. I know I could get a sandwich out. I'm sure it would be delicious. And everything else I draw is just going to be a disaster.

What if... So I drew either a parachute or broccoli. I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty proud of this. It could be an ice cream cone. Yeah, I don't understand why the parachute doesn't finish in the middle. Like there should be a line here? Yeah. Mike, what if everything you ate in life you had to draw beforehand?

What would your diet consist of? Pizza. You could draw pizza. Yeah. Pizza, you could draw pizza. You know what else you could draw? You could draw a donut. A donut.

Ah, very nice. Pizza and donuts. I'm getting better already. Oh, very nice. Pizza and donuts. I'm getting better already. Yeah. All right. Next situation. Sidekicks everywhere have quit and applied. What is this, Borland?

To your, your assistant? To be your assistant. Cool, man. Nice. Way to work on this. Love the proofreading. Applied to your, your. Let's be really clear. Bor the proofreading. Apply to your, your. Let's be really clear.

Borland, I want you to know something. I don't read this until this show starts. So I will read what you write. He does his best work without thinking. I'm Ron Burgundy. I will read what you write. So you have a lot of power here. If you want to just repeat words at random, you're going to get them.

Yeah, use this power in the future for bad. Okay. Sidekicks everywhere have quit all right this is like superhero sidekicks is that right yes please read the question to completion all right and applied to be your assistant what famous sidekick would land the job and he smells like farts perfect we did it borland, Borland. We tag-teamed that one. So, you are taking applicants to be your sidekick? So, of all sidekicks out there in the comic

book universe, they have all applied to be your sidekick. Which one are you going to hire? In other words, we're really rewriting the question in a much easier to understand format while the show's going on. Did you see how easy that was to understand?

That was so easy, Jason. Thank you. I did that. So like Robin's available. Robin can now be your sidekick. Can you please name like a handful of others so I know what sidekicks it is? Let me tell you. There's Robin.

Yeah. There's the other guy who took over for Robin. And then there was the third Robin. Which Robin wears the red underwear only? Well, I guess not only. This is also my swimsuit. I don't know. Why don't you tell us?

I'm trying to figure out which Robin to avoid is all I'm saying. I don't want the spandex Robin running. That was like the 1970s. You want pants Robin? Yes. I would like no Robin at all, really. I don't want the spandex Robin running. That was like the 1970s. You want pants Robin? Yes. I would like no Robin at all, really. I don't know, man. If you're a superhero and you're living that speedo life.

So Chewbacca's a sidekick, right? Chewbacca's a sidekick. Sure. Sure. Is C-3PO a sidekick? No. What about Samwise Gamgee? FroPO a sidekick? No. What about Samwise Gamgee? Frodo's sidekick.

Yeah, I would say he's a sidekick. He's useless. You could do Donkey from Shrek. Ooh, you could. That's a sidekick. Oh, man, he's worse than useless. That would be really annoying. Yes, it would.

See, I disagree. I think Samwise might be the best sidekick. Because if I'm going to trust one of these guys to make me a meal, which is pretty much what my sidekick's primary duty would be, it would be Samwise. And I would have a lot of meals. You could go George Costanza. That's Jerry Seinfeld's sidekick.

Is George the sidekick or is Kramer? Yeah, that's a good point. Maybe you could do either one. All right. I'm going with the lesser known super dog. I'm going to take crypto. I'm taking Superman's dog. Because how awesome...

I don't know. Superman has a dog? Superman has a dog? Yeah, Google crypto with a K. Bitcoin is doing very well yes there is a super dog and it's awesome because now you have a dog why would you name your dog your like the stuff that kills you your weakness yes exactly i don't and what what i'm gonna call my dog fatty just say fatty come on come on let's we're going on a walk fatty but you got because that's what kills What? I'm going to call my dog Fatty. Just say, hey, Fatty. Come on down. Come on.

We're going on a walk, Fatty. But you got. Because that's what kills me, Mike. That's what's going to be the end of my life. That was kind of deep. Yeah. That was just him admitting. My kidneys are covered in unsaturated fat. But if you could have a dog.

Subterranean? Not subcutaneous. Subterranean. It'scutaneous. Subterranean. It's below the earth. This fat is very deep. Below your earth? That's true. I would go with Dwight Schrute because he would do anything for me.

That's true. I'm Michael Scott in that situation, and Dwight Schrute would kill for me. I'll take that. And he's pretty resourceful. And he would take a low salary to be an assistant to me. All right, Jason, you're up. Is there any movie where Will Ferrell's a sidekick? Because I'm taking him there.

Old school? He's kind of like a... He's kind of... You want old school version of Will Ferrell? Dude, that would be living my most fun life. You're going to burn your house down. Absolutely. I get a dart in the neck, but I'll enjoy every minute of it.

So does Mike get the underpants Robin then? Yes, 100%. No, I get the dog. No, we gave him to you. Oh, that's right. You picked the dog. All right, let's get into some Would You Rathers. Would you rather would you rather every time you sit down on the toilet the seat oh no the seat be super sticky oh or super oh my goodness super slippery

oh my goodness these are oh man awful i don't think i want to slip off onto the ground i don't want to be trying to sit down and just keep slipping off i would rather but then have my butt cheek sticky yes then sit in a on a honey seat where oh i can't get past the stick and you have a sound when you get up. Because here's the deal. Let's just call it what it is. This is, do you want liquid? Or do you want a little more than liquid?

Because if it's just like water, it's just pure liquid. Okay, it's slippery. I don't want that. I don't like that. But if there's some thickness here. No, but there's. Wait. You're assuming it's water? No.

For the slippery. I'm saying on slippery, it's some liquid. Urine is also slippery. Sure. It's urine. Okay. It's all over my toilet. It's not water.

It's not water. But I'm saying it's the same consistency as water. But look, if you're in there to do your business, at least with the sticky honey-covered seat, you stay in place. you can do your business mind you horribly uncomfortable but here's the thing the slippery one you're you might slip off the toilet in the middle but i know it's urine i know what it is if that seat is sticky your imagination is running rampant you have no idea what that substance is because it's much harder to get it off, to wipe it off.

I genuinely wonder this. And this sounds like it should be really easy because one is a bad substance and one is great. But let's say that the toilet seat here is either covered in urine or it's covered in honey. Right. Okay, okay. Which one are you going with? Because I'm taking the urine. I'm sitting on the pee toilet. I am not going to sit down on a honey seat and have to wash that.

How do you wash your backside from honey every time? Is there any way to prank somebody into sitting down on a honey toilet? Yes. How do you do that? You've got to get the color out of honey. That's what you've got to do. You've got to find some clear honey. Excuse me, do you have any decolorized?

Do you have any bleached honey? I'm going to Google clear honey. Of course you are. You can't just put out a clear version of it. Looks like honey crystal is available. Not really. You just got to get a beehive into the bathroom. Maybe if you spread honey thin enough on a seat.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You wouldn't be able to appreciate it. Really thin coat. That's not the kind of... Oh, I promise you that's sticky. I want you sitting down in a lot of honey, though. It'll be sticky.

It won't come off, though. What do you mean it won't come off? If I grab the bare honey... I'm saying if you go with a thin enough layer that, I mean, I guess there'll be some residue on your butt cheeks. You're darn right there, Will. I've never grabbed a honey container in my life where my hands were not. Wait, do you buy the bear?

Oh, of course I do. You buy the bear honey? The squeezy bear. I do, honey. The squeezy bear is the worst. I do honey in the raw, man. Well, we have several. But do you go with just the plain cylindrical yes squeeze tube because the bear

you're like you need superman hands to make sure you get all that honey out why see that's not my issue my issue is the stickiness how do we end up talking about honey bears I don't know but it's good there's so many crevices on that stupid bear tube that Mike has thought about this. This is a problem facing humanity, that we are still selling the bear tube full of honey, and it should be eradicated from existence. It's cute, Mike. It is very cute. Bears eat honey.

Everyone knows that. Therefore, bears sell honey to me. Yeah. You don't get your carrots out of the rabbit container? Exactly. Thank you for proving my points. I don't know i i feel like a slippery seat that's scary business man that is scary business can you imagine being you have people to the left and right of you and you're slip sliding off that toilet wait you have people

to the left and right of you oh you're in a public a public bathroom. Okay, I'm like in my home. I'm like, who's in the bathroom with me? Why are there people in here? Let me go to the bathroom. I'm officially voting that I will take the slippery one, despite the fact that it will be a little embarrassing to slap into the floor. I believe in my quadriceps enough to know that with this slippery toilet, I will be able to stay on. And I'm going gonna take this as since

we have this amazing platform men we need to do better in our public restrooms oh they are so disgusting and this is if you're a a parent of a young child and you're a guy, you know the struggle because you want to help out. You want to be a good dad. And the spouse says, hey, take the kid to the bathroom. And you're like, I don't think you understand how disgusting a men's bathroom actually is. I can use that to not have to take them. You never use that. I never used that. I never used that to not have to take them? You never used that? I never used that.

I never used that. I thought it was a 50-50 trade-off. Oh, I mean, I've had to. I've had to just be like, that's why men pee on the ground, to get out of taking their kids to the bathroom. We need, like, women need an insight into what is happening inside a men's room. Would you pay money? Let's say you go to a facility. There's a women's restroom, there's a men's restroom, and then there's a a men's room. Would you pay money? Let's say you go to a facility.

There's a women's restroom, there's a men's restroom, and then there's a clean men's restroom. Paid men's restroom? I would pay. Would you pay? Yeah, absolutely. A dollar to open the door? Absolutely.

Oh, a dollar is easy. It would have to be like $10 to make me question it. I'd say $5 is right on the threshold if I got a number two. If I had a number two going on, that's exactly right. It's all dependent on the number. Have you guys seen the Port-A-Johns? I mean, these are like super high tech where the second you go out of it, it just like a hose comes in and like sprays everything down.

No. No. Like super high tech. Seems like it would be very wet in there. A little slippery. Could be. And then it. We've dealt with the slip, but it's not sticky. That's Like super high tech. Seems like it'll be very wet in there. A little slippery. Could be. And then it... We've dealt with the slip, but it's not sticky.

That's true. Upgrade. All right. Would you rather be unable to close any door once it's open or unable to open any door once it's closed? I got to think through this. So like someone could close the door and you're stuck in your bedroom forever. Well, until someone else opens it.

Sure. It's not like the door itself is sealed. It's just you can't open it. Why do I need to close doors? That's what I'm trying to figure out. What? Well, I mean, I'm just saying in this situation. Yeah.

Okay. So this is another. You're going to all restrooms are public. If you have that one. Yeah. Otherwise. But if you know, the alternative is you never get out of the stall. No, you climb under.

You climb under. Oh, that's true. Or over. On that floor? I'm going over. For sure. There's no way I'm going under. I want to see you go over a toilet stall, Mike, so bad.

And I want to see you go under. And then we so bad. And I want to see you go under. And then we will put the black light on and we'll see what has happened. Because you'll want to burn your fingers off. If you can't open a door, you are at the mercy of others. Yes. You are 100% not in control of your destiny. Now, that being said, you could choose to not close any doors, right? Yeah.

Once a door is open, you can't close it. Yeah, you have to choose. That's the easy one. Right? I think you do. Because if the alternative is... There's going to be some real awkwardness. If you can't open any closed doors... I mean, even metaphorically speaking, how do you get

a new job in life? You know? Even metaphorically speaking? Yeah. That door's closed. I can't open it. You're just out front. Please let me in.

I think I will take the one where I cannot close any door. Yeah, you have to. I don't feel like that's a real problem for my life. Your air conditioning bill is going to be massive. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. In Arizona, I mean, you're talking $800, $900 utility bills if those doors are open. No, because I would build my house with a very, very complex maze entrance.

So the door would remain open. Wow. But there would be several switchbacks before you got into the main part of my residence. That would confuse the air a lot. Or you have the pool safety door. I guess. The air will be like, which way do I go? I feel like it's, I don't know, in my head it was much harder for it to get out of it

for the air for the air for the air that's that's everywhere that instantly fills any space it finds the air is confused by a maze if there's one thing that can't get through a maze. It's air. You did it. You solved the problem. People need to start solving their AC problems in Arizona by building a maze into their house. It really didn't make sense in my head. Yeah. Well.

Hold on. Stay with me. All right. I'm listening. If the maze is approximately one day's worth of air long, then by the time it would warm up, it would be night again, right? I don't know, man. I don't know how air works in a maze, apparently.

I don't know what's going on. Not a scientist. Would you rather be on hold for 10 minutes anytime you make a phone call or would you rather it take an hour for all your text messages to receive a reply? Alright, I need to hear that again. Would you rather be on hold

for 10 minutes anytime you make a phone call or would you rather it take an hour for all your text messages to receive a reply? And while you think about that, I will say this. Anybody that is my friend, anybody that receives a text from me, if you reply quickly,

I gain intrinsic respect for you as a human being. I just like you more. I just appreciate you. You're available. You're ready to go. I just appreciate you. You're available. You're ready to go. You care about that text that came in. That's true. They're saying that you're far more important

than whatever else I'm doing. Than your friends? Than the lives of others as I drive this vehicle? You know what I... Strong point. You know what I find? The safety of the... You did respond right away.

How dare you? Let me be clear. I'm not saying I want you to the... You didn't respond right away. How dare you? Let me be clear. I'm not saying I want you to do that because you have to. I'm saying that I just... If you're one of those people that replies quickly, I just like you. I like you more. So you like me less because... You are not the best.

Oftentimes, when someone sends me a text message and I need to know what they're saying to me right they send me a message says uh the game's at five you know okay I feel like I don't need to respond to that he's been saying this for years I mean I he doesn't say he doesn't say okay he doesn't say I'm with you man later I get like uh you know accused of like dude did you get my text I'm like yeah I got it I got it right away like well you didn't say nothing like, dude, did you get my text? I'm like, yeah, I got it. I got it right away. Like, well, you didn't say nothing. I was like, what was I supposed to say? Because when does it stop?

Like, thumbs up. Okay, well, now do you need to thumbs up my thumbs up, letting me know that you have seen said thumbs up? Well, then that would never stop. That's why Apple messages added those little sub thumbs up. You can thumbs up a message without replying, Jason. You can have the common decency to let me know you got my message. Do you want to know why I don't send the message back?

You're a monster. Because I don't want to do the work. And whether it's a sub-thumb or a... Do you say thank you in generally? Like, hey, what time's the game? It's at five. And then do you walk away from the person? No.

What do you do in public? Okay. So you can't translate that amount of effort into a thumb emoji. That is correct. Now, I have worked on it. I have gotten a little bit better because I feel like I've gotten accused many times of not responding to texts. texts i know there's someone in our in our fantasy industry that like i feel bad about because when they when they send a text i i i'm just bad at responding but then they feel hurt by it and i'm like no no no no like this is just i'm pretty bad with this is just who i am i just don't respond

so andy i am the wait 10 minutes at least before you ever get a response in a text you mean wait an hour an hour oh it's an hour yes it's an hour? Yes, it's an hour. Okay, but hold on. I'm going to addendum this. So it's you're on hold for 10 minutes anytime you make a phone call, or it's down to 30 minutes, but that entire 30 minutes, the little three dots. Oh, they show up? Like they're responding.

So you're waiting. Is there. So you're like on like watch pot never boils situation. Yes. Is that worse? Yeah. Oh, that makes it way worse. I think I'm taking the text Boils situation. Yes. Is that worse? Oh, that makes it worse. I think I'm taking the text one, though. You want to know why?

I don't call people. And if I do call people, it's important enough to not have to wait 10 minutes. Yeah. What if you're going to 911? Exactly. It's like, please hold. Please hold. Oh, no.

You are caller number nine. We should be able to reach you in 10 minutes. Almost every place I call, I do wait on hold. That's true. Because those are the places I call. I call, you know, whatever. I need to call the electric company. Yeah, but you call your dad.

He's like, yeah, please hold. So I'm bad with text. But I might be worse with phone calls. It's one of those things like my dad and i we have got a great relationship we love each other to death we just you know he just took me out for my birthday it was a great time but if like we're both the type where we could go a year completely loving them and never communicating and since both of us have that same issue, we could just go forever without ever calling or ever talking or texting.

So this was a taught behavior is what you're saying. I think it's a genetic behavior. Your father passed this on to you. My father. Your father. My father passed it on. Your father basically said, Luke, I am your father.

When people try to contact with you, when they try to talk to you, make sure you don't respond to them. It's, it's courteous. Yes. Luke, I am your father.

Shut up. Oh man. You guys still, still in on the maze idea with the hair. Oh man. You're going to get that. We're getting there. So good.

I'll never see it coming. It'll stay cool if there's a maze. I'm telling you. Jason, did you know that there has never been a better time to become a programmer than right now? Right here? Right now? Right here? Right now?

I believe it. I believe it because you said it. Codecademy is all about training you how to code on your own terms, whether you're starting from scratch, looking to advance. It doesn't matter. You will set your coding goals. Maybe you've already set them in your brain, and they're going to help you reach those goals. They are the best way to learn online, to learn code online.

They not only teach you job-ready coding skills, but help you build unique projects for your portfolio, earn certificates, even prep for technical interviews. You can get qualified for in-demand jobs in as little as two months, pace at your own level. And we're talking everything, Python, HTML, CSS, SQL, JavaScript, a whole lot more. And you get instant feedback.

Your code is tested. As soon as you submit it, you know you're on the right track. And you can join the millions of people learning to code with Codecademy and see where coding can take you. Get 15% off your Codecademy Pro membership when you go to Codecademy.com and use the promo code SPITBALLERS. That's the promo code SPITBALLERS at Codecademy.com to get 15% off Codecademy Pro, the best way to learn to code.

C-O-D-E-C-A-D-E-M-Y.com, promo code spitballers. The Spitballers Draft. We don't record these, right? These aren't recorded for public consumption. These are just private. Right? We're just spitballing. Yep.

Mike and I just hold on to it privately. Don't worry about it. Whew. Thank goodness. No one will see all of your mistakes. All right. Today's draft, Jason gets to kick it off. The three of us, it's kind of like a situation room.

We're all in a hardware store. And look, we've had enough of each other at this point. We've talked all that we can talk. Jason hasn't responded to any of our texts. We're very upset. I'll get to it. And look, Mike, I've got problems with you as well, clearly. Big problems. Big problems.

Can only be solved one way. One way, and that is a fight to the death. This is how we handle everything. Fight to the death at a hardware store. You get to draft four items from your local hardware store, and then we are fighting.

We are battling. And there are no spears at a hardware store, Jason. Which is the clear problem with having the one-on-one. If you draft enough separate items, you could build a spear. And if you want to go that direction, I'll need the duct tape.

I'll need a pole. But no, I mean, look, to me, there's two clear first picks. Really? There are. There are none to me. There are none to you. Well, that's great. So, Jason, you are the one that starts this fight.

So you reach over and you pick up what? Well, with your first pick. The one that I want because it's so fun. I don't think that'll make it back to me. But I'm not going to take it because, look, I mean, you started, you know, with the rocks and spears and eventually we got to swords and knives and, you know, whatever. And then, you know, bow and arrows.

And it was like, okay, guns win. Okay. Guns, it's ranged, and you can't get down to me. It's got to be a pneumatic, you know, a nail gun. I mean, those things can shoot as good as a gun. So wait, you are or not taking it? Oh, I am 100%. You are never touching me.

You're not getting near me, at least not without a bunch of nails in you. You know how to load that thing? Oh, yeah. I read the manual. Not likely. No, it's very easy. So you're taking a nail gun? I'm taking, yes.

It is. I had it on my list. It was on my top two pick list. Yeah. And you said there's two clear items. Clear items. And I took the ranged item. Yeah, that makes sense.

By the way, every time I've had somebody do construction, like on my house or previous homes, and they come in with the nail gun and they do a bunch of work, I have always found one nail in one random location. What's the range on those? Al Borland, do you know what the range of a nail gun is? It's significant, I think. You can't really fire it without pressing it into something, so good luck

with that. What? Wait a minute. The beginning of Happy Gilmore, when he's shooting cans with the nail gun, that's not real? No. In other words, you just drafted a melee weapon. No. You can steal nail gun people, but you

have to be right up on their skin. Hold on. Chainsaw. Chainsaw's my pick. I'm taking a melee weapon. No. You can steal nail gun people, but you have to be right up on their skin. Chainsaw. Chainsaw's my pick. I'm taking a chainsaw. No, I go back in time. I take the chainsaw. No, no, no. I've got a chainsaw.

I take the chainsaw. No, I have edited it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, nail gun's cool. I'm holding down the thing that you need to. You're shooting yourself in the hand with a nail gun. If I got to, I will. I'll shoot

through my hand at you guys. Alright. I'm going chainsaw. Al, why'd you speak up? You jerk. Because I asked him. Mike, why'd you speak up? Now, I will say this. To my previous story,

I have found a nail like 20 feet from where they're working stuck into the drywall so i don't know whether he went over there and shot one in or it was a misfire that's vandalism bro you do load it you do load it like a machine gun though right you load it with like a whole like a bunch of nails a clip of nails yes i mean it's not in a cartridge they're just stuck together there have to be nail guns that can shoot for you they do I'm looking this up all right I'm taking the Jason uh took the nail gun I took a chainsaw Mike you get two picks okay oh man the fight has broken out yeah the fight has

like chainsaw I was hoping it was going to slip down to me. Yeah, those were the first two picks. That was the one you thought of? Yeah. So, sorry, that's the one you passed on. That's what I meant. Okay, so I'm going to take a good old-fashioned, like, a nice long lead pipe. Okay.

They sell pipe. Yes. I like the visualization, though. They long lead pipe okay so they sell pipe yes i like the visualization though well i'm just saying like it's or as whatever a steel pipe i'm just saying it's not pvc yeah no they they sell heavy duty pipe yeah they sell plumbing and here's the thing when i go to the store like lowes or home depot hardware store ace i'm like, when I try to find trim or something like that, I can never find the piece that's the right length. It takes me forever. So I'm visualizing, you go for the pipe, but you accidentally have like the 12

foot piece and you're trying to swing that thing. That's my visualization of what's going on. I mean, it's a good, I don't know, like four footer or something like that. And then I'm going to take... Man, I really like that chainsaw pick so i'm gonna take something that is you know it's pretty similar so i'm just gonna take a hedge trimmer okay now a hedge trimmer that's the one that swings around the like little plastic no that's a weed whacker oh a hedge oh it's like a chainsaw

a hedge trimmer looks very much like a chainsaw. So you're just kind of working through there. Yes. I get it. That makes sense. Do those hurt, Borland? I would imagine, yes. Yeah? Thank you.

Can't take a tree down, can you? No. Just a hedge. But then again, my arms and legs are much more like hedges than trees. So you both have a chainsaw. Yes. And yes, we do. You've got a nail gun.

You've got a, like, look, but here's the thing, Jay. If I got real close and I wasn't paying attention to my foot. Right. Well, you're going to, here's the deal. You can nail that thing to the ground. You're going to have to get close to me no matter what. Because right now, nobody's ranged. Except me.

I'm still ranged. I'm shooting through my hand. Right, right, yes. Next on Jason's list, a table saw. Put your arm here. I hate you. Put your arm right there. I'm going to take a sledgehammer.

Okay. I'm going to take a sledgehammer. It's big. It's bold. I may need to work out a little bit before I swing the signal out. I didn't go with sledgehammer, and I went with pipe because I feel like I can do the same damage, but I'm not going to wear myself out. I don't think you could do the same damage, though. I only need one swing.

Right. If it hits, but I'm going to get away from that sledge every time. I could take you out with one swing of a pipe. I hope you went with PVC. That's what I hope your swing. I guarantee. That's why I specified it you're swinging. I still don't know the pipe that you're getting. Now, on my list was a big long... What do you think's in your house, bro?

PVC pipe. Not for your plumbing. You're talking about like little thin copper pipes? Bring it at me, bro. They have heavy-duty pipes. You're Mr. Hardware Store. All this does is reveal how little we know about men. Mike is talking about black iron pipe. Thank you.

Sounds intimidating. Sounds pretty cool. It sounds like if it hit you in the head, you would die. I had rebar, like a big thing of rebar on mine, but I feel like that's too similar to like a lead pipe. But I feel like that would be better. Light, thin, never going to budge. It's also a really good pie.

Oh, yes. A nice cherry rebar pie. All right. So I'm going to take a nice big axe. Okay. Okay. That's good. A long, full-size axe.

If I can shut... No, no. No half axe. Yeah. Never axe anything. can shut no no no half axe yeah it's if i ever hacks i have hacks anything no no you always give a full axe on any job you're doing um that's a nice axe you pick right you yeah yeah always we have no seven second delay just reminder got it got it all right you're taking an axe with one of your picks you've got a nail gun and an axe an axe with one of my picks and now i'm gonna go somewhere you have like an electric hammer your nail your nail gun oh but it's amazing i mean

you're just gonna his hand is torn to shreds but he is firing i am firing he is currently firing and look my axe have fun throwing your chainsaw right if you need to throw it that's gonna not work out well you took a giant axe i took i took a very large axe but you can throw an axe a whole lot easier well obviously whatever you throw is going to now be over there i'm just saying if the need arises then i have a somewhat projectile object well i don't want hand-to-hand combat okay that's why i took the nail gun the axe can keep you at bay and i could throw it and i'm gonna take another one here oh don't steal my pick that is it's a little bit ranged this might this isn't gonna kill you but it's gonna hurt you it's gonna disable you i'm

going for eyes i'm taking a pressure washer oh and i'm gonna take the biggest one of my strongest pressure washer that would suck that thing can clean you know there's a chance you hit my chainsaw back into my own face yeah i mean exactly you that pressure washer i mean okay what damage can a pressure washer do i don't know but that's a great pick i mean like like andy said it could it could fire their own disorient mike and i with our actual weapon. I can say this. I can say this with 100% certainty.

If you, Al, right now had a pressure washer, a full pressure washer. Not a half pressure washer. And I had to come at you, and you could spray me along the way, I would never get to you. I would not in a million years be able to run through that stream of like 100 mile an hour water. So your team is what right now? I have a nail gun,

an axe, and a pressure washer. You know what you don't want coming at you? You don't want the chainsaw coming at you. Oh, don't take my pick. While I'm on the back of a riding mower! Yeah, baby! You can walk faster than a riding mower. Yeah, baby. You can walk faster than a riding mower. Here he comes.

It took a riding mower. Oh, no. This bad boy's the fastest on the market. The fastest on the market is worthless. And if I get you on the ground? Yes, if you can run over me. I'm going to end you. Wow.

I am basically the hardware store equivalent of a knight on a horse. Here's what you got. That's like me deciding I'm going to take one of the little rascals for people that need a shopping cart to ride on. In my quick Google, according to menshealth.com, the fastest lawn tractor, top speed of eight miles an hour. Oh, man. I'm never going to be able to get away. Crap. You can't run eight?

Of course I can run away from this thing. Borland, Borland, can I take the governor off these things? Can I take the governor off of one of those? Yeah, with your chainsaw. If you draft the right tools with your next pick, I guess. Dang it. How to remove governor from slow mower.

Crap. Chainsaw sledgehammer. You know what? I can get all of my weapons around very effectively. That's true. On the back of that riding mower. Good luck hauling your gear,

heavy man. I mean... He just called you heavy man? Goodness. Heavy tools. I mean. He just called you out of me? Heavy man? Goodness. Heavy tools. Yeah. All right.

Look, I'm staying in one spot. I've got my compressor hooked up. You know, I got my water. I'm by the water and the air tank's just going nuts at you two. Okay. So you're trying to gingerly walk away from his mower. I'm coming quick. And he's like, oh, I'm going from his mower. I'm coming quick. And he's like, oh, I'm going to get there someday.

I'm coming so fast. All right, I need to be able to... I need to be able to get Jason. Yes. So I think this is low key. I think this is... I wonder if you're going to take what I'm afraid of. This is sneaky because these are like, these are small, but these are compact and you could

talk about a range weapon. I'm going to take batteries. Oh, you're taking batteries? I'm taking batteries. So imagine a D battery coming right at your noggin, because I could throw those things for days and not get tired, and they're going to do some serious damage. If you can get close enough to me where I can't dodge that battery,

like I'm going to keep you at bay. You'll be shooting those batteries off with this power washer? I hope you've got like the 18 pack, because they'll be gone soon. I have a lot of batteries. I draft all of the batteries. I draft all of the batteries. I do. I draft batteries. Then I'll also throw a car battery at you when I run out of the D batteries.

Oh, my gosh. I don't even know what tools are left for me to try to fight you off with. All right. Let's see. So I have batteries. I have a hedge trimmer. I have a hedge trimmer. I have a pipe. Ah, man, I'm good. We're going to, we're just going to take a good old fashioned hammer.

All right. Just a good old fashioned hammer. Okay. That's fair. Not a sledge, not a sledge. It's a little more portable. Yeah. You can probably run almost as fast as my riding mower. I feel like if we get in, not when we're sword fighting range, but if we get in close hand-to-hand combat, nobody's got anything that can stop my hammer. All right. I have to clearly... I've seen what Jason Voorhees can do with a hammer.

What's your team then? I got a good old-fashioned hammer. I got a... What's the iron pipe that I drafted? You got a hedge trimmer. Black iron pipe. Black iron pipe, a hedge trimmer, and batteries. batteries all right and that's your whole team that's my whole team all right i have a chainsaw a sledgehammer a speedy riding mower and you know

what yes it may be against the geneva convention but i'm going chemical warfare i'm taking paint bottles of bleach baby okay I'm bleaching you. You better have a good motion to toss that bleach on the people. I'll be able to distribute the bleach just fine on my drive-by bleaching. I'm going to get you

with the bleach. Oh, no. I'll baseball bat that bleach to you with my sledgehammer. i'll baseball bat that bleach to you with my sledgehammer you'll baseball bat the bleach to yourself that's gonna explode all over you all up in your own eyes i hope you have goggles no he did not draft i did not draft goggles dang it here's what i was afraid one of you guys was gonna take for my pressure washer pressure washer situation oh i was gonna take like a cover of a garbage can.

I thought about it. Totally. You got a shield because you can work your way in. I thought I got around that with my speedy. With your speed, yes. Riding mower. Your mower is going to be real clean. Yes, because I'm going to be watering it down on the way.

I'll just climb up a shelf or something and then have fun riding around down there. And get hit in the head with a battery. Yes. Look, I will take several batteries in the body, I'm sure, and I will be fine. It will hurt. It will sting. I will give you that. I do feel like Jason could walk through an onslaught of batteries.

You're not killing me with a battery. He'd be bruised, but he would walk through it. I would not like it. Remember? Heavy Man or whatever I called him. All right. This is the final pick? Yep.

Yeah. Final pick of the draft. Well, gentlemen, look. I think I got a good one for the last one. It just came to me. I've used them. This will shock everyone in the room that I've actually used this before. This will shock everyone in the room that I've actually used this before, but in college as a theater major helping build sets,

helping build metal sets and welding them together, it is a welding torch that I can use to burn this place down. If you guys could somehow find a way to put me in the corner, no one wins. Otherwise, I'm burning you alive. You're burning yourself alive, too? No, I'm not burning myself alive. I'm in control of this torch. You said burn this place down.

I thought you meant... If I was going to lose. So it's I win or no one wins. That's it. Is bleach flammable? Al? I don't think so. Because if bleach is flammable, your little torch thing is useless.

Because he just has to throw bleach at you. You're going to ignite. I can turn the thing off. Man, I almost took some bolts, like nuts and bolts, to throw. That would have been worse than the batteries. I'd like tinier versions of batteries. I want the AAAs. It's more of a shotgun approach.

Well, but, I mean, they're all so tiny in weight. You need something with some girth. I assume you're getting like D batteries. I'm getting D batteries. Is there any gardening equipment we could have drafted? Could have gotten a razor blade. A razor blade? Yeah, utility knife. Yeah, you can get a utility knife. I mean, shovel

was on. Backhoe was on my list. Yeah. Are there tridents? Do people use tridents in the garden? Is that in the department store? I have not seen a trident. Actually, a pitchfork. Yeah. Get a pitchfork.

They call that a land trident. I had it. It's a pitchfork. That's actually a really good one. I dropped that. I also had a crowbar. A crowbar is just... It's a lot like a black lead pipe.

And that's why I didn't take it. I already had a black iron pipe of death. I have a chainsaw, sledgehammer, a riding mower, and bleach. I have... What do I got? I got batteries, a hedge trimmer, a steel black iron pipe of doom, and what was my last pick? A hammer.

A hammer. A hammer. Hammer and batteries. I've got a nail gun shooting through my hand at y'all. I've got an ax, a pressure washer, and a welding torch. I thought pressure washer would just sneak its way over to me and then I wouldn't have had to drive my... Burn your guys' eyes out.

With water? No, don't look at the blue light. Oh, I see. I got you. All right, what did you guys learn on today's show? By the way, you can vote at SpitballersPod on Twitter. You can also add your thoughts to the YouTube channel, youtube.com slash spitballers.

Share with us some more draft ideas. We got a bunch of great ones this past week. We added them to our bucket of draft ideas we'll be doing in the future. I learned that the only thing that can confuse air is a maze. I'm so proud of that. And I learned that pneumatic air guns usually

don't shoot unless you have pushed it into something. Apparently they lie in the movies. Yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it in movies. I learned two things today. I learned that I don't want honey on my butt, and I learned that riding today. I learned that I don't want honey on my butt and I learned that riding mowers are slower than I thought. I already knew about the

honey. I learned that. Hey, we will see you next time. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.

What a gas that episode was. My face hurts from smiling. So good. Do you remember when this episode started and we were talking about like joining the spit? Yeah. That was like 60 minutes ago or something like that. And I remember when I was listening, I was like, oh, I got to remember to do that.

I got to remember to go to jointhespit.com. I want to support the show. I want to get the episodes early. This is really for me. Yeah. So I'm going to go right now to jointhespit.com and who knows? Maybe I'll see you there.