Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: House Goggles & Legendary Ways To Die - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

Spit Hit for January 19th, 2023: On today’s show, we talk about our middle names, our pillow preferences, and randomizing our salaries. Then, “LIAR, LIAR” is back. Will a new victor arise? Tune in to find out! Finally, we terminate the episode by drafting legendary ways to die. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads, we are back with another spit hit. And on today's episode, you know you're going to love it because we've got a liar liar with stupid liar Al Borland in charge. He's such a lying just liar. You're going to really enjoy that. And then my feelings come through at the end of this draft because, you know, we're going to deal with some death. And honestly, with liar liar, I feel like that's kind of what I need to do to owl is I need to maybe show him an up close and personal look at that because of what a liar he is enjoy the show what happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-scoo-boo-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bing-bang-ba-ding-ding. Oh, man. Oh, no. Everyone has left. Everyone left us. Now, man. Oh, no. Everyone has left. Everyone left us. Now, look. I have some notes. Do you want?

This is not your scat, right? That wasn't theirs either. I lost it halfway. So you tried to do. Yeah. Well, look, I brought this up. When people have submitted scats into the five-star reviews for the show, and I wrote it out, and I'm like, okay, I got this, because it's hard to like, you can't straight read a scat.

It's three-letter words, it's a little boop, beep, bop. I have some notes. Well, they're not going to be good. I want to hear them. I have one good note and one critique. The critique is just a couple shows back, my scat, which was, I mean, it's 100 out of 100 every time. I was given some garbage for going with the squeeze,

and you came in there with the scat. I think the problem is that you're relying on the squeeze. Enough of your note. Back to my notes. And this is the good note. I mean, you went just full jazz at the end because you were in your own time signature. Oh, I know. I went a little longer.

The 4-4 was going, and then you were in some like 7-12 i don't know what you were doing but the proper scat was scubu bop-dop boom doom bing bang badingy now that's good that's much better than what you did but i ended with did you say boom doom boom doom but see it was great i should have had it. What I feel like I heard is I heard a record player that got on a skip. Because at one point, I swear, it was like a bop, bop, bop, bop. Did you just say a record player? Yeah, like a... Is that the term?

I know, but unlike a CD skipping, that would be what we heard. No, no, no, no. I'm talking about like an old school record player where, you know, when it got that little scratch and it would keep, you know what I'm talking about? I know of what you speak. I've never experienced that. Oh, that's a common thing. Yeah.

Yeah. When you had a CD. Yeah. That's, no, not a compact disc. An old vinyl record. You have a record player? No, but I've seen enough movies and tv to know like when there's when there's a skip in that that was my point is you don't know what you're talking

about who who wrote that scat um i was trying to pull that up for you boom the boom doom but as you can see i'm i can't pull it up for you for some oh your phone is locked forever my phone's like i'll share it later on although i don't know if they want credit for what happened. I mean, it's one take, guys. It's one take. That's what it was. The pressure of reading that scat. You get one shot. If people... Ba-ding-ding!

The people out there will never understand the actual pressure of the one-shot scat. Well, when you have 10, what, 15, 20 million people listening. The reality is a lot of people assume that we record for hours, cut down, take our best 45 minutes or an hour because it's so good. The reality is this is always one take, and now you know that for sure because of that scat you go,

yeah, they did not redo that. They could have redone that. They chose not to. My man hit him with a boom-doom. Boom-doom. Would you rather on today's show the much-heralded liar liar? Oh, yeah, baby. I'm winning.

I know. I feel it. I mean, Al Borland is not lost. How are you feeling, Al? Great. So you're feeling, Al? Great. So you're feeling confident in your lying ability yet again? Very much. And we have a draft today.

Here's the draft. Legendary ways to meet your demise. A boom doom. A boom doom. Oh, okay. It all fits in. And so picture, you know, this is what would you think would be legendary for your tombstone? Right? Somebody's walking through the cemetery and they see your name and underneath it is,

I mean, I don't think we really write how people die on their tombstones anymore. They used to. If it's legendary, it really should happen. I mean, and there's a couple ways you can look at it of like, you know, it's like you're saying, Andy, this is just like, holy crap, put that on my tombstone. Like if you're going out. That was incredible.

Why not be legendary? But there's also ways to go out where it's like me reading it on a blog going, holy crap, that happened? That's impossible. Salmonak submitted that scat. And also not that scat at all. But they submitted the original one, the boom do. You had to tweak it for time.

I did. I had to add some time to it. All right, at SpitballersPod on Twitter. Thank you for reviewing the show. Thank you for submitting all the different scats. I'll try harder next time. Thank you for submitting all the different scats. I'll try harder next time.

And we appreciate you listening, supporting at Spitwads. Wait, what's this? You were going to say Spitwadsquad.com. That also works. It does. I was going to say that. I'll tell you what we like the most. When you tell your friends about the show. Yeah, that's true.

Or family. Or family. Or strangers. Oh, that's my. Or family. Or family. Or strangers. Oh, that's my favorite. Stand on a street corner. Yeah. We're looking basically. Megaphone.

What we're looking for here is free advertising. So if you can, please just go out. If you want to buy a commercial slot, we give you full IP rights. Yeah, billboards. Absolutely. Newspaper. is a newspaper still yeah they're still around records if you want to make a record for your record player that's right just tell people about this but bars whatever you do just don't bill us all right let's get this show Would you rather?

What are you doing over there? I'm sharing it. I'm sharing it. Sorry. What just happened? Judge Giamatti sent me a message. He said, and again, this is back to the one take. Okay.

He says, you have a tiny white speck on your left arm sleeve. And that was a big deal to Mr. Giamatti. I could see it. What was it? Do you think people would have unsubscribed on YouTube? Probably not that far. They will now. Are you talking about youtube.com slash spitballers?

That's right. That's right. Well, it's free to subscribe. What was the speck? I don't know. Was it a bug? No, it wasn't a bug. Was it dandruff?

It was not dandruff. It's too small. It was probably food. Crumbs of some sort. Preferably a Danish, if it were me. You keep Danishes on your sleeve? Yeah, you do. Those are your best?

Yeah, you do. Your favorite crumbs? Danish crumbs? Yeah, absolutely. He wears Danish. Without a doubt, Danish crumbs are the best. I'm wearing Danish from Calvin Klein. All right, here's the first would you rather for today?

Will from Twitter. With a 10 year contractual commitment to your choice. Would you rather choose your job or your salary? The other will be chosen at random.

So you choose your job or your salary. The other the other is random. I feel like we've had questions similar to this before. We have owl. Just throwing that out there.

You always do. Um, I mean, I don't, I, I'd rather be happy every day. I mean, your job is what you're doing eight to 10 hours a day.

And so if I'm getting a random job, the odds of like what percentage of jobs in the world are miserable? I would say half. 95%? No. People can enjoy work in all sorts of fields, but there's at least half of jobs that there's very little enjoyment to get out. The manual labor for someone else's someone else, where you're removed from um you're not

building something and have uh a great finished accomplished feeling but like you just do one little task you're a small you know cog on a giant wheel but how many jobs are out there if you could say because you're choosing your own salary uh is there a ceiling no no it says you choose it one billion dollars okay so so you want to quit real quick oh well i mean yes 10-year commit but no it's the 10 years but still if your salary is billions of dollars yeah how many jobs are there actually out there where you're really i i get it money does not money certainly does not buy happiness and there could be there could be things tough that are street but when you're talking about billions of dollars we're not talking about like

you're okay you're making you're making uh 150 grand but you're like okay let me let me ask it this way let me ask it this way okay so 10 billion dollars because we're 10 year commitment 10 billion dollars what job would you not do what job would you choose to to turn down beekeeper okay yeah yeah because i just can't it doesn't matter the amount of money i cannot do do it. I am physically unable to do it. It'd be so funny if you made billions, you bought some sports teams, but you still had to go to your 9 to 5. Right?

Like, you still got to go clean the sewers or whatever bad luck job you got. I mean, you could end up at random with an okay job. That is true. So, I mean, in that case, like, if we think half the jobs aren't great out there, but you choose a billion dollars a year, then it's a 50-50 shot at a good job. A billion dollars, I mean, big. Do we have to cap it? No.

Okay, we could, but I was going to say Biggie was right. More money, more problems. Oh, for sure. It definitely creates some problems, but there is definitely a part. It did for him. Yeah, it did. But that's because he won't stop. You got to talk.

Well, you don't talk about the money. There's no problems. But there is definitely a part on the chart where your increase of money and problems are going up at the same angle. Yeah. But then you hit a part where the problems just drop off. The Y axis goes to zero. Goes down.

And the money just keeps going up. No more problems. Exactly. More money. He never said more money. Yeah, exactly. More money, no problems. No problems. Boom, boom. Yeah, exactly. Mo-mo money, no problem. No problem.

Boom-doom. Boom-doom. Ding-ding. Okay, so I'm going to... I mean, you have a chance... We're all taking the money. Yes, sorry. We're all taking the money.

No, I said I'd take the job. What? You'd pick the job? Yeah, because if I'm doing something I love... I mean, look, Al... He complains all the time. Well, sure. And his job is great.

But most of the time it's... I love my job. Al got sure. And his job is great. But most of the time it's, I love my job. Al got, he loves his job. He left a higher salary to come work here when we were a startup. True.

He regrets it every single day. I think he may, do you, are you happy with your choice? You are, right? Yes.

Okay, let me ask you this real quick. I thought he said to an extent. I know that to an extent. I he said ecstatic. To an extent. I know that that last job was very hard.

It wasn't great for your mental health. If it was a billion dollars a year, would you have had regrets coming here? That's a great question. Oh, man, that is a good question. The answer is yes. I mean, a billion dollars, probably yes. But because the billion kind of breaks the game. If you give somebody a billion dollars,

and then he could quit the next year after he gains a billion, or halfway in with 500 million. Have you guys seen the videos? This question has a 10-year contractual commitment. That's true. Sure, okay. I worked for 10 years, and then I've never worked a day in my life. What if you die from stress over those 10 years.

I buy a new life. I buy a new body because I have so many billions of dollars. Have you guys seen the videos where they actually physically show you the difference between a billionaire and a millionaire? Yes. And it's like, you think you understand it. It's more. It's 10 times more or something.

You think you, well. No, I know, but my point is. Your head thinks you understand the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire, but you don't until you really see it laid out. I can lay it out for you because I read something very recently and I just found it. Did you just read it right now?

Well, I just, I re-found just read it right now? Well, I just re-found it. No, no, no. I had seen Jeff Bezos. Yeah, take that Bezos. What the equivalent is for him to spend the same as an American would spend a dollar. The average American spending $1 is the equivalent

to Bezos and the average median net worth of a U. a US household is $97,300 really it's that high so for a 97,000 of October of 2020 income home spending $1 the same as Jeff Bezos spending well the average is only that high cuz of Bezos right 1.95 million oh wait a minute you're telling me that him dropping $2 million is the equivalent of a buck? That's what this says. Businessinsider.com.

I'm telling you, man. The billion. You can't. Our brains can't understand it. The average person spends. They gain $2.2 million over the course of their entire life. Okay. He spends $1.95 million to equal a dollar.

That is... Jeff, there are so many good things that you could get done in this world. I'm seeing that number seems wrong to me. It doesn't matter. I don't care. This one says it's like $88,000. I think we're going to stick with your fact of $1.95 million. This would have been a great liar liar.

All right. Guta from Patreon. Would you rather sleep without a pillow or sleep without a blanket? to stick with your fact of 1.95 million this would have been a great liar liar uh all right gouda from patreon would you rather sleep without a pillow or sleep without a blanket your air conditioning must remain set or whatever setting you had it on last night along with any fans in the room now this is no covers right not just no blanket because i i'm half the time i'm a chic guy okay it's the same thing. I just wanted to make it because I'm like, great. And we understand how Jason sleeps. It's a la mode. A la mode, as he said. So just for context, I don't sleep with any fans.

Really? You go fan off? Dude, we don't use fans anywhere. What? We don't know where you live? I haven't used fans in 10 plus years in any house I've ever been in. I don't understand. What's the matter?

Did you know that scientifically when you're under the fan, you're cooler? I do. But I- I mean, it dries you out. I totally get that. You know I had LASIK 10 plus years ago. Oh, yeah. Ever since then, I can't have dry eyes.

He sleeps with his eyes open. I forgot that fan really gets his eyes dry. So wait. I totally get it. You're in your bed. Your fan is not on. Right. But I turn it.

I mean, we keep it really cold. But because of your eyes, the whole family is not allowed to use fans? None of them. I don't know. We're just not a family. A family. We're not a family. We're a great big family. A family. We're not a family. We're a great big family.

Do your children not know about fans? He's removed all the wall plates. There's no way to turn these fans on. Do your children just think it's like a bladed decoration in the ceiling? Do we have any more ceiling lamps? They're just lights. It's just a lamp. Why does this lamp have four arms?

Yeah, we don't use them. Does that make us weird? Yes. Everyone's saying yes. Yeah, without a doubt. We live in Arizona. Brooks, Jeremy, do you both use indoor fans? Yes, we do.

Oh, yeah. On high, on medium, on low? Medium, usually. Mike? Medium. Yeah, low to medium. High is... I know Jason's a high.

High is a situation. I went into Jason's house the other day to watch some of the Suns game. High is a problem. He probably just like his water showering habits. The fan was clearly rigged to be extra, extra, extra high. Is it stable? Yeah. No, it's no rocking.

Oh, he was shaking the house. No. The foundation. extra, extra, extra high. Is it stable? Yeah. Oh, he was shaking the house. No. The foundation. I do have one. I've got a fan in my master bedroom that has a click when it's on high. Oh, man. So I can't go high there. But otherwise, I want all the wind blowing

like a hurricane in my house. Freezing temperatures. I must be living the wrong life. But nevertheless... Have you thought about goggles? I think I would sleep... Then you could turn your fan on, but you're wearing swim goggles.

These are my sleeping goggles. I hate you guys. Just all parts of the day. Just all parts of the day. When you come in, right by the door, you got your house goggles. You put on your house slippers. You put on a robe. No, they can be bigger than swimming goggles they're like the old motorcycle

goggles so you really have a good field of vision i don't know why we don't use fans like snowboard goggles exactly okay i think you'd look awesome in those andy just then you can juggle around and then you can use your ceiling lamps again well Well, I think it would introduce a new level of problems to my life. Every day I take off my house goggles and I got those big old rings around my eyes. I can't believe you don't use your pants. We never do. We even got one removed. We just took it out.

You got a fan removed? I hate that ceiling lamp. Get it out of here. Send it over. I always need more fans. Well, you guys are sweatier than I am. Oh, I'm sweaty in a refrigerator.

I will sleep without a pillow. I'd rather have the blanket. Oh, there was a question. I'd like the temperature control perfectly. I feel like I navigate the temperature control with blanket very well. I'm a feet out the bottom. Me too.

Me too. I'm going to get over the middle. Okay. And then. Well, it's a situation because the blanket is not just temperature control. Like the blanket is also. Okay. What else is it?

When you're sleeping, it's like it makes you feel safe. Now, do you sleep with a... Now, just understand this. Hot Arizona. How thick's your comforter during the summer? It's a duvet. Oh, okay. That's thin, right?

No, because it's stuffed. It's thin-ish. Well, it just depends on what you're putting inside. I basically take that thing off, and I just sleep with the sheet. I just cover the Alamode part and then like a washcloth right like i just have a piece of the blanket and then i'm and then i'm top and bottom out of the car you'll see i don't wear underpants so i can cover it with this sheet no i mean i'm with you and i'm usually a leg out but then oh yeah but then by the middle of the night your

your core temperature has dropped and now you and now you need the blankie. I don't put any hotel with the tuck at the bottom. Oh, what are they doing? That's a nightmare. I feel like a panic attack coming when that happens. Oh, I know what you're talking about. That's where you grab the sheets and blankets. And rip it.

And you kick your feet so hard that you rip those sheets out. And then when you're done and you're ready to leave the room, you throw all the sheets on the ground. You say, this is what you get, staff. Don't you tuck my sheets under the bed. This is what you get. Put it in the bathtub. Just turn all the water on and then I leave. That's right.

And then I clock the seat. You waste my time. I waste yours. And then I open the mini fridge and I leave it open. That's right. And then I clock the seat. You waste my time. I waste yours. And then I open the mini fridge and I leave it open. That's right. All the windows open. The TV's on full blast volume. That's right.

Take that. Don't you dare tuck my sheets in. They'll know what they do. Yeah, they'll know. I don't even need to give a reason. They're going to walk in and see the room a mess. Sheets again. Sheets got me.

Final answers. I'm taking the pillow. Because. Sheets again. We did. Sheets got me. Final answers. I'm taking the pillow because I have one pillow that I love. Oh, great. And I hate it. I know what that means for. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. You're going to want to knock.

Mike, final answer. I don't know how you. I don't know that I could sleep without a pillow. All right. I got a quiz. You guys now sleep habits revealed. Yeah. Okay. How many pillows do you sleep without a pillow. All right. I got a quiz, you guys. Now, sleep habits revealed. Yeah. Okay.

How many pillows do you sleep with? One. Uno. One? Yep. You don't have a hug pillow? Nope. A hug pillow?

Nope. Honestly, honestly. Any of you guys over there have a hug pillow? I do. Two under the head and one to hug. Two under the head? Yep. Hold on.

Hold on. What lavish light? Three pillows? They're not that expensive, Mike. Pillows can be really expensive. Yes, they are. I mean, I bought every one that exists. I saved my money for my previous job.

I have a hug pillow, yeah. I sleep on my stomach. A hug pillow? Yeah. I sleep on my stomach, too. And I hug my regular pillow. The hug pillow for me is oftentimes the covers. You know what I mean?

Like if you're on your side and you kind of ball it up a little bit. So you understand the need for a little hug. I do understand the need for a hug pillow for me is oftentimes the covers. You know what I mean? Like if you're on your side and you kind of ball it up a little bit. So you understand the need for a little hug. I do understand the need for a hug pillow and sometimes I've got a knee pillow. But you know. Well I understand a knee pillow because if you're a side sleeper. That's cozy. And you have a back situation you need a knee pillow. I mean I've never

done that because it's weird. Yeah. But I understand it. Thank you. But I mean that's also not as weird as a hug pillow. How many pillows, Brooks? Just a single. Amateur. The one thing on the pillows that we do have.

What an idiot. I also use one, but what a loser. When our bed is made, I have to remove 72 pillows in order to sleep with one pillow. I hate that life. And I do that the way that I tear the sheets off in the hotel room. I'm teaching a lesson here.

Oh, you throw them all over. Every time? Every time. Who puts them back the next day? My wife. And I'm going to spread these pillows out. You're going to be walking. You want to make this bed, you got to walk around the house finding these pillows.

My wife bought a throw pillow once that was so ugly that it became a vendetta. I started hiding it. I'd hide the pillow, and then she'd find the pillow. And then I'd hide the pillow, and this was all over the place, high in the closet. It's a nice little marital game. Eventually. You hit it in the garbage can. Eventually, I cut it with a jigsaw, and it was over.

Oh, wow. That's brutal. That's brutal. And I filmed it, and I sent it to her. And you sent a ransom note of cutout magazine letters? It was a table saw, actually. The last purchase we made for our bed is a sensational purchase, is the new sheet and duvet set.

My wife intentionally bought something. And I don't... Wherever she's getting the design information, whatever. She's like, no, I got this because it's more casual and... Is it a split? No, it's not a split. Oh, okay. But it's...

The design aesthetic of it is... When you... It's made so when you don't make your bed, it doesn't look as bad. That's the point? That's just one of the... No, it doesn't look as bad. That's the point? That's just one of the benefits. And so it's like, how's that possible? So if I don't make the bed, it's still okay? Well, all right then.

This company said so. This company said it's okay if you don't make your bed. And then it's true. And then you buy it. And it's true. Oh, since we're on this topic of- Which will stay for the remainder of the show. A hundred percent.

And this is going to be probably a six or seven hour episode now. We recently sold our house, had to move. And when we were listing it on the market, we got a- Did you move because you sold your house? Yes, we moved because we sold our house. Mike just laughed at his own stupid joke. It was good. It was good.

So here's the thing. We got a new bed sheet set to have it look good for, you know, when people walk through the house. Yeah, to stage the house. To stage the word I was looking for. You bought a staging bed set? And there is this new trend that is the stupidest freaking thing in the world. And actually, I believe, I'm'm not positive but i'm pretty confident

that it primarily came from your wife oh no where you take this little blanket there's a little tiny uh like a throw a throw and you put it on the corner of your maid bed you just throw this messy blanket on the court you throw the throw you've made your bed it's called a throw you've made your bed and then you throw a throw on the corner but you got to get it perfectly like i watched my wife and your wife futz around with getting the wrinkles just right it can't be sharp no it's got to look like this was an accident okay this was totally like i just walked by and i oh this this thing i should just drop this right and there is literally no other purpose to this thing. It isn't big enough to be used for a blanket. This is

just to be a messy corner of a bed. What? Why is it with decorations? So do you have that and all the pillows? Oh, yeah. I mean, my bed is Mount Everest when it's made, man. Alright, I guess we'll move on. Oh, it's brutal.

Cody from Patreon, would you rather everything you ate be crispy and crunchy oh or soft and tender oh this is a this is an excellent would you rather man my teeth would break with this with the crispy and the crunchy. Yes. Man. I feel like if... So these are both really important to everyone's life, and you've got to give up one. I feel like if I had to give up one of these forever, I would have to give up the soft and tender. I've got to have the crunch, the crisp. I mean, that means you're eating soggy cereal right yeah just you're

probably just not eating cereal ever again yeah because who would choose to just eat soggy cereal um your steak would be crunchy but a nice sear on the outside of a steak is fantastic i agree with that and the inside or is that wait does this mean like every single the outside like everything you're eating is crispy and crunchy but But like a potato chip or like a, because a crispy chicken sandwich. You don't just get away with one or two crispy bites and then it becomes tender. No, no, a crispy chicken sandwich. It's not crispy in the middle. If I give up the soft tender life, can I still eat a crispy chicken sandwich?

It's in the name. I don't know. Sal? Help. That's tough. I was thinking it would be like crunchy through and through. Well, then I'm getting rid of that. So I can't eat anything.

It's potato chips. Yes. Well, it's not. Everything you eat would have that to it. You can eat vegetables. Those are very crispy. Okay. That's raw.

I can eat raw vegetables. But not like a cucumber. Because the inside is a little little soft yeah um so then no i'm pivoting mushrooms are out yeah no way i'm gonna go with soft because there's plenty of things that are soft and are currently good like uh it's funny i just read the question so differently like so i just read the question is everything you eat is always crunchy or everything you eat is always tender, but I'm not saying. So you're telling me a hard-shelled taco is not a crunchy food? That's pretty crunchy, yeah.

I mean, I'm not trying to die on this hill. I just need to know. No, you don't. We're moving on. Calvin from the website, you are no longer allowed to go by your first name. Would you rather go by your middle name or your last name? Now, Mike, your middle name is Timothy? That is correct. It is the name of my father. And Jason, your middle name would you rather go by your middle name or your last name now mike your middle name is timothy that is correct it is the name of my father and jason your middle name is

randall randall two l's or actually your middle name is jason isn't it no no my middle name is randall you're thinking about when you used to be called randall uh actually you didn't you met me when i was jason but yes growing up my name was randy like before high school i was randy randy was my name every friend every teacher every schoolmate everybody my smells my name was forever randy okay i i this is part of the story i don't think i knew i i i thought it was just your family called you that no but you're saying at roll call at school. Yes. Was. Randy Moore.

Randy Moore. That's right. And you changed your name. Yes. Because my actual name is Jason. So I did not change my name. That's fair. But I was registered at school. Okay.

Well, you made a decision at one point that you didn't like. Yeah. I like it. Well, I changed it because that was my name. Skipping over the part where at the beginning of your life, you weren't using your name. That's right. I made a formal Andrew to Andy transition in third grade.

Oh, mine was in third grade too. Yeah, from Michael to Mike? Yeah. Yeah. Well, we were, you know, we were really breaking out of the mold. The whole reason was there was two Michaels. Oh, so you had a cause? I just like Andy's school.

I had a cause, too. There was a new kid in school. You had multiple Randys? And it was a Randy, but here's the problem. I've met a Randy. It was a girl. Okay. I was a grade schooler.

You were shamed? No, I was like, wait, Randy's a girl's name? Because I had never met a Randy. It's fine for both. Well, I know that now, but then it was like, then it was literally, because that wasn't my name, right? My middle name was Randall. I don't think Randy Travis wasn't really big then. Oh, no, I like it.

So you went by Randy. Your name was actually Randall. You're like, oh, I could go to Randall. No, this is so terrible I could go to Randall. No. This is so terrible. I have to completely change. I need a full rebrand. And no, Randy's dead.

It's time for Jason Moore. I came back the next school year. I'm Jason now. Oh, we did it on summer break. Oh, 100%. Did you introduce yourself as a new person? You know, I don't remember how that went, but I definitely... Did you dye your hair? It was in...

He had a limp now? Get a leather jacket where you're like, I'm the cool one. I think it was between fifth and sixth grade. I left Randy, I came back Jason, and the rest is history. All right, so you either have to go by Randall or Moore. Okay. Mike, you have to go by Timothy or Wright. I can't be Tim? And my middle name is

Michael. That's a good name. So I could go by Michael. Can we be the shortened version? Mike? Yeah. No, Tim. Rand? Randy? Can I go back to Randy? The problem with last names

is, and I mean I've had this problem since birth because my last name was right. One syllable last names don't work for calling people by their last name. But he wants to be Tim. No, no, no. No, no, no. I get it because he's saying, look, hey, Holloway, get over here. That's easy.

Oh, yeah. But more, right? Both of those would be like, and they're both words. They're both other regular words. Your last name is, hey, give me some more. Hey, you're right. You're wrong. Grantham.

You're like, that works. That works. So I've been denied. I've never. To your Tim. I have never, ever been called at any point in my life by my last name not even not even in PE when the PE teacher calls every single person by their last name I was never my last you get them both together it was a mic right uh no it was Michael okay so I guess it's two syllables

we're going with Mike Tim and Randy there we are Mike Tim and Randy. There we are. Mike, Tim, and Randy. This show just changed. It's time, guys. But it's actually, I'm a big T. High T. High T. All right, it's time for a very important segment. Oh, yes.

Yes. Liar, liar. Pants on fire. All right. I'm so excited If you have not joined us before then you don't know the current record of Al Borland versus the three of us in Liar Liar

It is three rounds I just read the first one Three rounds and it is two truths and a lie We have to identify the lie in each round, and if we do it three times, we defeat our arch enemy. There's no way this first one. I'm already out, man. There's no way this first one.

Oh, spit wads, you're going to like this. Round one. I'm out. Round one. Fact one. The CEO of Food for the Poor, one of the largest international food relief organizations, is named Robin Mafood. Come on.

There's no way. That can't be true. First of all, there's no way that anybody is named Robin Mafood. Like anyone, let alone the CEO of food for the poor robin my food all right all right this is robin my food yeah ceo uh second fact my food robin my food Second fact. Bafood. Robin Bafood. He never goes by his last name. Robin M. Fact number two. Before becoming one of the nation's largest pharmacies,

CVS was founded as an ice cream shop whose name stood for chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Yes! CVS, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry. Al, you have done it. This is incredible work. One of those two is true no matter what. That's why this is so good.

I can't wait for the third. Oh, my gosh. It's so hot in here. All right, number three. One of those is true. One of those is true. There's either the CEO is... Robin Mufud.

Oh, man. Okay, fact three. I got to get this out. When getting a kidney transplant, they typically just leave your original kidney in your body and put the third kidney in your pelvis. No. That can't be true. That's not nearly as funny.

That's got to be true. Okay. It's pretty funny, but. Man. So he put two hysterical factoids in here and one that is completely. Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry. That's ridiculous. Okay.

But possible. So here's why that's ridiculous. Okay. But possible. So here's why that's possible. I mean, those places started as soda shops. That's exactly what I was thinking. Walgreens and them, they started as soda shops. The soda jerk. Back in the old time, when you bought a soda pop, you went to the pharmacy. You did.

For the soda. Yeah, and that's when they served you Coca-Cola with cocaine in it. So this is theoretically possible. I can rule none of these out. Oh, I can rule one out. I can rule one out. Robin Mahfoud is not real. That's such a creative lie, though, because it's, I mean.

It's too obvious, right? It's too, like. Yeah, it's like, man mean, I don't. It's too obvious, right? It's too, like. Yeah, it's like, man, it's too subtle. Like, Robin Mahfoud? Reading through these, it seems like we're supposed to pick the kidney transplant because that one seems like the most believable to me. He's setting us up to lose from the top. But it doesn't sound believable.

Like, when you're putting in a body part, you have to connect it to, like, not using the correct terms here, but essentially the tubes. Like, you have to hook things up. You can't just say, well, we'll reroute them. Well, that means maybe the first two are right. Reroute the plumbing. That was the setup. Well, no, the first one can't be right because his name is not Robin Mahfood.

So I'm locking that in. I will die on this hill. The CEO of Food for the Poor cannot possibly be named Robin Mahfoud. Well, I am thrilled that one of us locked that one in. Because I... Where do you lean in? I lean that the CVS one is true. And I lean...

I think the kidney one's wrong. Why in the world would they leave the original? I don't know. It ain't hurting nothing. It's a transplant. I'm going to lock that one is the lie. The kidney transplant's the lie. Final answer.

It's just. Yeah. Robin. He knew that that would get us. Do I gamify this or do I go with my heart? No, you go with what you think is right. Because you're going to regret it if you don't. I want us to do what we think is correct because I want one of us to beat Al Borland.

I feel like the kidney one has to be alive. So then come with me. All right. Thelma Louise style. All right. Let's see if we go down together. Please just don't be the CVS one. All right, Al.

Can I save the rest of this content for the next Liar Liar? Oh, no. Since we're not going to need it today. No. Yes, the CVS one was the lie. No! It stands for Consumer Value Stores. Oh my goodness.

You're telling me that the CEO for the floor is named Robin Mahoud? That's impossible! Oh my gosh. Also, the third kidney goes in your pelvis? Oh my goodness. Do they just like, they cut it in right there? It's real. That is correct.

Robin Mahfoud is real. I'm Googling. Oh, my goodness gracious. The guy's... Dig, neg it. Oh, man. Do we move on or do we just go to the draft? What do we do now?

We go to the next one. We still have to play for our winner. All right, let's at least practice. All right, round two. Years after the famous assassination, the son of John Wilkes Booth inadvertently saved the son of Abraham Lincoln from being hit by a train. The two had never met.

When William Lincoln was informed who the man was who just saved him, he pulled out his pistol and shot Edwin Booth on sight. How? Come on, man. Are these all lies? If that's true, how is that not out there? All right. We regret that one?

Let me read the next one. Current internet protocol supports enough IP addresses for every single atom on Earth to have a unique IP address and still have enough left over to do another 100 Earths. I believe that one. In World War II, the U.S. developed the Bat Bomb, which was a bomb dropped by an aircraft which would open and release 1,000 bats

strapped with explosives on timers. The bats would disperse to a 40-mile radius before exploding the building they chose to roost in. I believe that one, too. That is absolutely insane, i'm locking in the john wilkes booth one's a lie it's so long though that's the thing that i i just can't imagine that al would have written this huge long paragraph about that i'm the the ip addresses seems like it has to be true that one's's mathematically easy. Remember the birthday one? Yeah, because there's 12 digits in an IP address.

So, yeah, I mean, the combinations is a very large number. I'm with Andy. If that's true, then come on. Come on, history. Why didn't I hear about that? Yeah, like history lessons, come on. Like, we are failing so bad. Okay, I'm going to go with you guys because we're going to-

We're going to triple? We're going to triple. I think that that's ridiculous. You guys got that one right. Yes. All right, okay. I guess I got a little wordy on it. You did get a little wordy, but you already beat us.

Round three, because cats spend up to 30% of their time grooming themselves, they lose about as much fluid through saliva as they do through urination. Seems possible. Fact two, lobsters have bladders on either side of their heads. That's enough for you. And they communicate by squirting urine at each other. Look, they're giant dumb monsters. They're giant dung monsters.

Dumb. No, I know. Are they dung too? They poop a lot? No, they just roam on the floor where all the poop is. My understanding is they also squirt urine at each other. In 2017, Lady Gaga arrived at the American Music Awards ceremony wearing a $1.2 million wig made from the mane of American Pharaoh,

the Triple Crown winning racehorse. That sounds completely feasible. Wait. Did American Pharoah win the Triple Crown? It sounds right. Sounds right. I don't remember many horses' names, and I do remember that horse name. Yeah, I remember that name.

What was the... Who's the big time horse? Everyone compares this horse as Harold. Secretariat. Yeah. Yeah. Triple Crown winner. So was it... horse that everyone compares like this horse is heralded secretariat yeah yeah triple crown winner so was it I think American Pharaoh was the first one since 1973 or something I will lock in cats as

the lie I will lock in lobsters as the lie now we the three of us are tied right now so we're just competing against each other that's true. Well, screw it, then. You're going Gaga? If I had rolled the dice in the first one, I'd still be alive. That's true.

Take me to victory. Lady Gaga won's a lie. I'm locking it in. All right, Mike, you won this one. Yes! The Lady Gaga one is the lie. Yes! I would have...

Well, it's a funny thing. I didn't want you to have regrets, so we wanted you to go with your heart. Yes. The Lady Gaga one is the lie. Yes. I would have. Well, that's the funny thing. I didn't want you to have regrets, so we wanted you to go with your heart. Yeah. You can't be like we talked you out of making the pick that you wanted to make. We said pick whichever one you want. Yeah, and I did, and I was wrong. All right. But we're a team, guys.

You win again, Al. You win again. You stupid, stupid man. The Spitballers draft. Robin. Robin. Oh, man. I wonder if that got him the job at that point.

Yeah, like, did he go towards food for the needy because his name was Robin Mahfouz? He felt so bad his whole life. And he had to be a bully in school, though, right? Oh, yeah. Everyone just had to pay up bully in school oh yeah everyone just had to give him his pay up all right we're drafting legendary ways to meet your demise i talked about it at the top of the show but if you're just joining us for the draft right now these are legendary ways that you die but you'll be remembered because of the way that you met your demise it's etched on your

tombstone this is the man who died by it could be incredible it could be darwinian you know it's there are different ways right different exciting um or even on my own list i've got things that are cool things that are crazy things we we'll see. We'll see. Yeah, legendary does not necessarily mean something that is esteemed. It could be unique. Like, let me put it this way. It is legendary that the CEO is named Robin Mafoot. All right.

I don't think, I mean, of all the drafts, there's no 101 here. No. There are definitely some hippopotamus picks for this draft. Yeah, and I'm not, look, I'm not, I told you guys this earlier, I'm not really picking based off of, oh, this would hurt more. I'm not, this is not like the most convenient way to meet my demise or the most pain-free way. This is like legendary.

We all, not we all, I won't say that, but it's going, passing in your sleep. Yeah, that would be the way preferred, right? It seems like the way you want to go, except I can't remember. It might have been like a Monty Python bit. Someone had a bit about people passing their sleep. It's like, no, it's not good. But you're not remembered. You're not remembered.

Yes, this needs to be. It's not a legendary death. This is the answer to the question when they go to my wife and they say, how did he die? Oh, yeah. And then she says, well. You're going to want to hear this. And I'm going to start with, he fell into a volcano.

Darn it. Oh, that's a great one. Is that on? That's actually on your list? My 101 was cannonball into a volcano. Oh, that's a great one. Is that on? That's actually my one on one was cannonball into a volcano. So, I mean, talk about how crazy that we would. We didn't think we'd have any in common. No.

And mine was. Wow. Yeah. So via volcano, because I don't know anybody that's gone via volcano. Well, especially if you're going. I mean, now you could have gone Pompeii route with volcano two. You know, where you're like etched in history. You know how the ash fell so quickly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. But I think just hopping right in. Like falling, because you can't really fall into an active volcano. Cannonball, I mean, you can make the decision. Yeah. I mean, I might be coming out of a helicopter at that point. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that's an excellent one. I i'm hiking up there i'm posing for a picture i'm and then um splash all right okay darn it you took my first one off my list and how cool would that people walking through the cemetery reading that yeah oh that dude he lived he lived the way he died that's a wild man right there. That's a wild man. All right. I like it. Falling into a volcano. My first legendary way to meet your demise. I can't wait to hear these. Well, I'm working up to it.

Oh, no. But I'm going to start with, like you said, Tombstone. This is the classic comic book. That's saving orphans from a burning building. Oh, okay. Like you said, Tombstone. This is the classic comic book. Saving orphans from a burning building. Oh, you want to be remembered. I'm a hero, fellas. Okay. I'm a hero.

I went down in the building, but those orphans. You are. They made it out. You're not just saving regular kids. These are orphans. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. They have no parents. No.

They needed saving, and only Mike Wright was there. Oh, man. May he be remembered for his legendary deeds. That's right. Now, did you go in after you got them all out? You went in one more time to see if there were any more, and that's when you died? No, no, as the final, I have the final one in my arms. Uh-huh.

And I realize it's coming down on me, so I just huck them out the door. That's right. He survived just fine, but the building. The cowardly firemen who wouldn't go into the fire, they catch the final orphan. And I raise my hand slowly. Oh, the goodbye? Yeah, I raise it slowly, and that's when it all just collapses.

One tear comes down your eye? Also, thank you for your service, firemen. Yeah, the cowardly firemen. A Mike Wright quote. Okay, well, look. That's not spitballing, Bran. So here's the thing um because i can't cannonball into a volcano that's been taken and you certainly wouldn't save orphans no no no i am saving orphans actually that is that every pick is i saved orphans no no no i

saved orphans um i saved their parents wherever they are if they're still around. I saved humanity because I flew a rocket into an asteroid to save the world. Okay. That's how I remember me. I saved Earth. Okay. Okay. Just you and one rocket?

Yeah, I've seen Armageddon. You want to Bruce Willis. I want to Bruce Willis this thing. I want to believe that you aimed your rocket at that thing and you just missed hundreds of miles. You're off into space. Save nobody. He's looking at the radar.

He's looking at the radar. The meteor's coming to you. He's going off. And now, ironically, I'm the last one left. True. Because you slowly ascend further into space. Man, that would be a terrifying way to go. That's not a good way to go.

Slowly. Okay, so I have flown a rocket into an asteroid to save the world. This one is not so noble. Okay. And apparently, I'm just going from movies because that one was Armageddon. This one's going to come from seven. I'm going to eat myself to death. I'm going to overeat to death. How did he die? Oh, he's a hungry man. He died the way he lived. That's another Monty Python reference, by the way. Thin Wayfair. Thin Wayfair. Over eating. That's another Monty Python reference, by the way.

Yeah, Thin Wayfair. Thin Wayfair. Poof. All right, you ate yourself to death. Yeah. Legendary. You would go down in history if you went the Monty Python explosion route. What would it be?

Smorgasbord or one? It would be desserts. It would be dessert. It would be whatever path. Danish's? Yes, Danish's first thing that came to mind um probably the last thing that goes in the body um okay mike you're back on the clock yep you've saved your orphans now let's see how legendary you really all right now we're gonna slowly slowly ramp up okay uh this one is this one is just look it's just legendary that's all i can say about it

very darwinian i am not i am not not avoiding i'm actively running into a tornado oh yeah i'm going leroy jenkins into a tornado right into an. And you're getting sent flying. Who knows? Yeah, you'll be like Superman for a while. Right. I mean, I might be impaled with debris well inside. That's true. You probably would be. We don't know because people aren't running into tornadoes.

I don't think anybody ever has. We're science! As he runs in. He's holding some sort of scientific gizmo in his hand. At least a GoPro. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll make it out. Running into a tornado.

Spectacular. All right. I have two picks. I am going to open this one up with a majestic, spectacular feat. Almost. Almost. Because that's the demise part. A motorcycle jump over the Grand Canyon.

Dude! I have been shot out of a cannon in the Grand Canyon. I have shot out of a cannon in mine as well. Oh, man. So I am evil-ceneveling this, but I don't quite make it. But this is broadcast everywhere. Oh, yeah. How did he die?

Motorcycle jump over the Grand Canyon. Let me show you. I've got the tape. All right. So. You can see the exact moment where he knows it's going to happen. Yes. Yes.

So my next pick is more difficult, but I'm going to go eaten by a great white shark. Oh, man. Okay. Doesn't happen to a lot of people. And man, that'll be a story. Okay. Doesn't happen to a lot of people. And, man, that'll be a story. Man, you guys are killing my list. Not with exact picks. Close enough.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. He can't be like eaten by a mountain lion now or anything else. He's eaten by an animal, and he picked great white. Yeah. It's a good pick. Yeah, one bite. All right.

You hope. I hope. I really hope white. Yeah. It's a good pick. Yeah, one bite. All right. You hope. I hope. I really hope. All right. Now, I don't really want running into a tornado on my gravestone like this. No. I mean, people will be shocked. So far, you've run into a burning building.

You've run into a tornado. Where are you running to next? Well, I'm in a fight, guys. Uh-oh. Fighting a bear. Yeah. Okay. Now put that on my tombstone. He lost a fight to a bear.

Fighting a bear. It is important that the people that live after you know that you were fighting the bear. He didn't just maul you and kill you. That's right. That's right. Because I don't think those are very legendary. I was not attacked. You picked a fight.

You ran into the den? So now you're running into the den this so now you're running into the den that's right he's he's he's going all right i gave her the old tap on the shoulder the bear turns around and then did you have a samurai sword no no they're fisticuffs all right you can't go out with the sword you got to fight a bear with your hands jason you are back for your final two picks okay all right All right. Let's see here. So far, you're eating yourself to death. And saving humanity by flying a rocket into an asteroid.

Yeah. So I've really got a wide variety here of things that are noble or things that are ridiculous. And I'm going to stay a little bit more on brand. Ridiculous? And stay a little bit more on brand. Ridiculous? And stay a little bit more ridiculous. I am going to be the first person actually sawed in half by a magician. Did I take that off your list?

Cut in half during a magic show was my number four pick. I was saving it for the end. Yeah, baby. That is unbelievable. How did you both come up with that? I don't know it's right there i mean the fact that we both had fallen to a volcano and cut in half by a magician i thought we would have nothing in common that was literally my go-to that no one would pick i mean

that would just be such a good story wait so he was fine right no no it's a bad magician. Cut in half during a magic show. Well done. Okay. That's a good one. Unbelievable. That is so good. All right. And sticking on brand here, these aren't poll winners. These are just who I am.

Eating myself to death and attempting to land a plane because I think we've established that I think I can do it. And so I'm going to do my best to try. And we'll see how it works out. My tombstone will say he was wrong. That's all it will say. He was wrong. All right.

All right, Mike. You have one pick left. And you look like a man who knows what it is and is afraid to say i'm not proud oh no oh no but it was legitimately the first thing oh no it's the first thing you thought it was the first thing it was legendary ways because let's just it's legendary ways to go out guys guys. Oh, no. Okay. It's a stick of dynamite in your butt. Oh.

Oh. What was the first thing you thought of? Boom doom. Boom doom indeed. Boom doom. It's the boom doom. It's the boom of doom.'s a stick of dynamite if you imagine that on your tombstone mike is very much enjoying oh my gosh you went from the extreme of saving orphans to now i told you we were gonna build build up to it. Okay.

That's a good hippopotamus. I'm everywhere. Yes, you are. You are everywhere. Okay. All right. We've got to go. I got my final pick.

So several options. You still have several options? I do, too. I have a few, but none- I was running out. I had gotten to the point where I was, I don't know if I'm going to pick that, but you forced my hand. Man, I don't. I'm trying to decide which one to go with here.

Okay, so I'll buy you some time. And so far. Okay. So I'll buy you some time. So you have falling into a volcano motorcycle jump over most of the Grand Canyon. Yeah. Because I figure if you get over here, you're going to live eaten by a great white shark. How are you going to close up?

I'm eaten by piranhas. Oh, you're eaten by another animal. I thought about trampled by a moose. Oh, you're eating by another animal. I thought about trampled by a moose. Oh, okay. I thought about being kicked by a horse. But that doesn't seem legendary. No. And that happens.

Just painful. Yeah. I thought about some poison stuff, but that sounds bad. Yeah. But not many people are poisoned anymore. That's an ancient way of- But piranhas is like... Yeah. But I'm cannonball here, too.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm hopping right into the middle, and I'm going to see how quick this goes. Right into the Amazon? Right into the Amazon. It's not fast. Yeah, I don't think it's like the movies. It is in my head. I hope for you it is.

A great white, I think, is going to be pretty rapid. Yeah. It's not instant, but... I still can't believe that you drafted my fourth pick cut in half during a magic show. So you tilted. You didn't have your real fourth pick. No, I didn't.

I mean, I have, like, sinking on the Titanic or something. I thought that was a pretty... You know, they remember those people. Yeah, as a group. And then being buried alive, it just sounds scary. That's terrifying. What about a mudslide? Anybody for a mudslide?

I mean, that would not be very fun. I've got struck by lightning. Yeah. Because I was hoping maybe if I don't die, I assume I get superpowers. Yeah, it's the tradeoff. It's 50-50. Most people have died. Right, but I'm thinking I've got a lot of LBs, so maybe I could take it.

Maybe I could do the super power. Mike, you got anything? Just left on my list was ejected into space. I had... But yours was already space-related. Yep. And then Andy took great white. So, I mean, it's pretty different, but I thought about, like, what if you were swarmed by craps?

Oh, that's terrifying. Like a really bad case of them? Yep. That would be a bad, bad case of crabs. No, quite. Just swallowed by a whale is another go-to, too. But have you seen the videos of, I don't know, the real, maybe. Nobody's ever died by crab.

I know. That's why this is legendary. But have you seen the videos of, maybe you just call it crab island but where there's just like hundreds of thousands of these things all make oh you got the island tell me the i the actual uh geographic area of the island that is shaped like a crab right of course i mean it has to thank goodness you guys have a crab island that's not shaped like a crab. I've got noble ones like jump in front of a bullet for someone, jump on a grenade. Yeah, I thought about like, you know.

And then I got wood chipper. Fargo style? Oh, wood chipper's trouble. Just a banana peel into a wood chipper. It moves. You could go most morbid ways all of a sudden. All right. All right, that'll do it. What did we learn today?

Were you thinking calf injury maybe, Al? Oh, yeah. Did you have any that you thought of that we didn't think of? Nope. We covered them all. Yeah. How about you, Brooksy? No, you got it.

All right, we did it. We got them all. I learned that I should be using my ceiling fans that's what i learned yes yes they are valuable tools and that's why they're in there huh that is yeah the house the previous owner uh was like i should do what everyone does and have fans um i learned that how you name a child can affect what company they grow up to become CEO of. Oh, Robin Mahfoud. Robin Mahfoud.

And I learned that Jason was shamed into changing his name completely. I was, but it was self-shame. Yes, that's what I mean, self-shame. From Randy to Jason. Almost Randy Jackson, but Randy Jason. Thanks for tuning in, for listening. That was a fun one. We'll catch you next week. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. ... ... ...