Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: I See Stick Figures & Creative Ways to Dispose of a Dead Pet - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

Spit Hit for July 18th, 2024: On today’s show, Jason re-lives the recent tragic death of his son’s bearded dragon, Spike. We follow that up with a draft of the most creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. What more could you ask for? Don’t miss this one! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. A bingity bang bong bing bong ba dingity boop boop. The ba dingy in the middle? I said no it was fine man. I thought it was really good. You just felt like it was... I didn't want to end with a boop boop and yet I did. I don't think you did. I think you ended with a boop poop.

Oh did I? A boop poop? That's what I heard We'll have to check the tape. Yeah, I mean that's uh We'll see what the like the YouTube if you put the transcript up there what it interprets my scat at the auto translation Yeah, yeah, it's a fun game. Also. How you doing now doing well. Thank you. Hey welcome back good to be back Fresh off of eight weeks of vacation Al Borland finally back in the studio feeling rested Yeah, I mean, that's a good long run You may have only noticed him missing from one episode, but To oh yeah

Okay, yeah, whatever cuz like our efficiency actually went way up when he was out. So we got more done Yep, so much more. Let me know if you need me to leave again. These paid vacations are welcome. Yeah, I know. We did pay him for it. That was the mistake. Would you rather? Is this real life? And we are drafting, I think it'll be a funny one,

creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. So I'll be curious as we go through that draft, just whether any of you have stories from your childhood that relate to those circumstances. I mean I guess I could ask you now, do you have any stories about dead pets? Oh they're really happy stories. Yeah well I have a horrific memory of my mother being in nursing school and so part of that was in a freezer in the backyard she had a dead cat like that she had to like yours no no not a pet not a pet I was gonna say this

is such a classic tale of nursing yeah well though I think this was very common like for dissection or biology or whatever reason she did She know she couldn't bring it back. She did. The nursing had failed. The nurse. She's a terrible nurse. Uh, and she received the cat alive. Um, and then it was like, well, I'm just going to keep it in the freezer. Um, no, but the reason I say it was horrific is because, you know, if I'm out swimming in the pool or playing in the grass, if that cat was out, you knew it. There was a very... Wait, the cat was brought in and out multiple times? Of the freezer? Yes, to work on certain class things. I don't know what she was doing. You sure she was a nurse?

I was not in her class. Yes, I'm sure she was a nurse. I'm just hopeful that this was to do dealing with the nursing school, right? But yeah, the smell there was a lot of thawing freezing thawing for either I thought it was more of a one-time dissection and then get it out Look if it was one time in my memory that it made a mark Has stayed with me. I can smell it to this moment Yeah, and outside. Yeah. Oh oh you don't want that to get inside Mike. Of course I do. I'm just saying like the fact that you were in an outdoor area

and it was still that overwhelming. That's what I'm saying. We lived on a cold sack. We had a decent sized yard. I was not near this cat. And it was, you knew, you just knew. It was absolutely horrific. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I know that like a general story of a pet dying is not a funny story. Right. I'm thinking more of like the, there's often those pictures of parents, like, you know, the gerbil dies and they have to figure out what to do to replace it. To like, do you try to, yeah, it's like a sitcom story that you'd see, you know?

I did try to set a gerbil free once. Oh, back to their native land of the desert? To the habitat, yeah. And then- You're free. I did. Run amongst the sand. And it wasn't a gerbil, it was a hamster.

And to be clear, shouldn't be pets. I mean, hamsters are the worst. I mean, just the stupidest, dumbest. They don't play with any of the things you buy for them. They sleep during the day. They run in the wheel. If you're lucky, they run in the wheel. Mine didn't.

I built them this huge, giant, almost like, it was a theme park with tubes and all that stuff. They just sat in the small little cage all day long, pooping, and then at night they're awake. Yeah. And they're just trying to get out of their cage at night so they keep you up. Just trying to keep you awake.

And then during the day they're asleep or they bite you. I mean, that's the only thing that happens. I actually have a good story. I tried to set it free in the forest. So I have a story. And then I took it back. I don't know how this didn't come to mind because this was like two weeks ago. I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest,

I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest,

I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, and it's grown to full size and we had gone on a little vacation. I make my son take care of him and he doesn't do the best job. But I make sure he gets fed most of the time. You know what I mean? I don't really take care of him. But anyways. How often do you feed a bearded dragon? We feed ours every day.

And what do you feed a bearded dragon? We feed ours every day. And what do you feed him? Bugs? Mostly worms, mostly meal worms. Okay. So one night, uh, my, my youngest was feeding him and he says to me, dad, I think spike is dead. And I was like, nah, he's probably not dead. And so I go tuckered out. It's just tuckered out. So I go to the cage and tap on the cage, open the cage, tap on him, move him a little. And Spike's dead. And so that was real sad. I, you know, my son started to cry and because his pet had died. And so I was thinking, okay, I've gotta, this was like as I was tucking him in,

we went through that whole experience and then later when he was asleep, I came down to dispose of the body, which is what the draft is about today. I didn't wanna touch him. What was the plan? Where was your disposal plan? My disposal plan was garbage. You know, it's not a- Not even like them. What was the plan? Where was your disposal plan? My disposal plan was garbage.

I'm just gonna say, you know, it's not a... That's not even like a shoe box in the ground? A shoe box in the garbage. I'm gonna very nice, I'm gonna decorate the shoe box, put a little pillow in there, it's all tuckered out. But I didn't want to touch it. Not the freezer. No.

I didn't want to touch them. I don't know why, it just, you know, grosses me out. So I literally got a spatula Oh like a kitchen spatula. Yes a big one like the barbecue ones. I wanted a long handle So yeah, I'm two feet away from a spatula spike. I'm a spatula. Not even tongs Up into well the tongs were a cast-iron skillet. I'm sure Long enough. I'm sure long enough I didn't want to be near this thing and so I

Spatula under him, you know got to get under the legs and all that. Is there an inadvertent Flip no, not and I didn't I didn't flip him like a flapjack but I pick him up and I bring the garbage bag over and then his head raises up. And I was like, oh my goodness, he's not dead. And so I think he was, because what had happened, I just don't remember. He threw a living bearded dragon away.

The reason that we thought he had died was we have like this carpet and he had gotten under it. And so, you know, they're cold blooded. So he couldn't get to his heat lamp and he was like underneath the carpet where we found him. And so I just assumed he like froze under there. So he was hibernating. And so I moved him on the spatula up to his heat lamp

and he's happy, healthy to this day. Wow. So there's an interesting Lazarus story for you. Thank you. There's an interesting Lazarus story for you. Thank you. Would you rather? Jenna from Instagram, would you rather live a life full of joy and laughter, but with no memories?

Or a life full of memories, but with little joy and laughter? What is? Joy. What is life without memories? You know what I mean? Like you're living in the moment you remember now, but like, is that life? I think. I think it's a little difficult because what is a memory

technically like memories? There you go. Well, look, look. Yeah, baby. It's a little difficult because what is a memory technically? Like memories. There you go. Well, look, look. Yeah, baby. Because isn't that true? Because like, would you, you're not saying that the fact that you remember your kid's name, that's not a memory. You use your memory to recall his name, but it's not a memory.

Like I don't have a, you're not memorizing some moment where you knew his name. So I know who I am. I'm just thinking that maybe you know who you are, you know who people are, but you're Goldfish. It's like, you can't reflect on anything that's happened, which it'll affect how you appreciate things. Okay, I guess I interpreted that as you have no memory at all.

But this question does say with no memories, so I think it is specific to, not to being able to like have knowledge But just to be able to remember the good times that you've had right which ironically You wouldn't have because your memories would be a time You have no joy or laughter with your memories because all of your all of the events that happen would not contain joy or laughter I think we have a circular Problem where everything just breaks down for this question.

Really? Yeah. How? Because if you have no memories, and you have joy and laughter, I don't know, it's like... You don't think you'd appreciate the joy and laughter? It just seems... In the moment? It's in the moment.

Like right here, right now. I'm not thinking about any memories. I'm just living with you guys Like right here right now. I'm not thinking about any memories. I'm just living with you guys right here. Now I am not this hypothetical case, but I'm not far off. From no memories? From, like I have a pretty joy-filled, laughter-rich life that I just don't remember. Mike, you have an elephant's memory. You can remember how everything went down and all the moments and bring them back up. And then I can remember, you know, because I'm not this hypothetical

situation. But I really just, I let things go. Things come and they go and it's kind of like a goldfish. I just don't hold on to those. So... But they're still there because there's the reason why something can trigger that. Something can bring you joy and laughter is because you have built on memories. I mean, I guess there's some things that are just like human nature of like a little kid, go fast. You're like, oh, that's enjoyable.

But I'm like saying, but like things that you laugh at, your sense of humor has been built on your experiences over time. I don't know about that completely. I'm just saying like we sit around the table here in the studio and we hear other people's stories of their life and we laugh and we have joy and they have nothing to do with my memories. They just have to do with them telling me something funny. But we have context of experiences we have lived in our life that we understand why that

is funny. Otherwise it would just be a story. You would be, you would have memories but no laughter or joy. I think when I go to restaurants and I watch those TVs that are like chive TV and it's just a bunch of people falling down, I don't need to have any experience to know that's funny. I mean that's just, that is really funny to watch people fail at things. That's why I think there's some things that are just natural, like it just built into us as human beings going fast is fun. When people fall down and get hurt, not seriously hurt, but when people get hurt,

it's it's funny. We laugh at that. My final answer will be the life with joy and laughter and no memories, because I think ignorance is a bless for a reason. And I will be ignorant to the memories but if you live the life with memories and no joy or laughter you will constantly be reminded a stacking amount of memories that do not contain joy now to be fair Jenna from IG said but with little joy and laughter oh it's not no joy Jenna that's a way that's a big little well Here's here's the funny thing if you are always full of joy and laughter

The barometer for those moments, you know is is not they aren't as valuable as when you live a hard life But you have a few moments of joy and laughter those become even more special Yeah, but I'm sure yeah, I mean we're all taking the life full of joy and laughter. Yeah, you gotta have joy and laughter. Aiden from Patreon, would you rather have to stay in school forever or never be able to learn anything new? How would that even work?

So you're just saying the second you leave school, you're capped on your knowledge? Is that how you're interpreting that out? I think you have to make a decision today whether or not you're gonna stay in, or go back to school and stay there the rest of your life or continue to be able to. Oh, so like I can live with the knowledge I have now?

I mean, we're not learning new stuff anymore. I would actively keep my knowledge now because that would learn anything. I am losing information at this stage of my life. You learn new stuff all the time. Do I? You do. You do.

We do. Like the person spearheading all of our company's knowledge on what is going on with AI, that's you. You are the one who is doing that. It has lit a fire of passion for you you and you're learning a whole bunch of brand new stuff and skills and that would have been impossible. Do you want to know what the next social network is after, you know, right now TikTok is the newer one from Instagram?

I would love to. Well, you won't be able to learn how to use it. Oh, that's true. Because this says you're either in school or you can't learn new things. Can I do remote schooling now? Like, can I do one class't learn new things. Can I do remote schooling now? Can I do one class a semester? No. You can do remote schooling. You thought about it. You can do remote, but you still got to give, I'd say, three to four hours a day in school.

Can I go to the university? Can I be the old guy at the college parties? Oh, yeah. You can't. College life was absolutely excellent. It might have been the best of life. It's your first taste of freedom. It is your first taste of freedom. You are old enough to be considered an adult. You certainly know that you are. I mean.

Yeah. Yeah, you're definitely a big boy. Looking back, he's like, wow, we're little kids on campus doing stupid stuff. But at the time, man, you think you're really a mature adult, and yet you get to make all these mistakes, have fun, and you're still, when you're at a university, you're still insulated. You know what I mean? Right. You know, all the responsibilities of the world, they're still insulated. You know what I mean? Right.

All the responsibilities of the world, they're not on you yet. You got student loans paying for dinner. So I don't know. That was the life. So you're going to school? If I can go. Can I be on campus at a university?

You sure can. Oh, brother. See you guys later. I am full time, rest of my life, college student. It's funny because that like insulated environment is almost like the retirement home. Yes, yes, I'm retiring from the university. It's so self-contained, you got the rec center. But you also get to learn. Like the way...

Learning's fun. There's something I think that is unfortunate about the way that our system is set up of like kids We we put them in school right away. They hate school until the moment they graduate they go to college Or you know if they want to continue their education some kids go to college a Lot of kids still continue to hate the education some just party their way through some learn some really good stuff And that's like well. That's the end I I hated school. I hated high school I just all I wanted to do was get out of there

And then I was removed for many many years, and I went back to college in my like later 20s And it well it was I didn't go to university was just trade school. It was awesome man like I learned so I learned so much stuff. I was engaged as in like I'm learning something for a trade or a skill that I'm passionate about and I was on fire. I was at school. I was going to ask you. I hated missing school. I hated it. And then when I would get home, I'd have I've had homework. I'm like, this is awesome. I get to do all these computer programs. I hated it. And then when I would get home, I'd have homework. I'm like, this is awesome. I get to do all these computer programs.

I was just curious how much of liking school just has to do with the fact it was your idea. You know how like when something's your idea, you can get behind it. Like when you're a kid, it's not your idea. You're forced to do it. That could be. Did you care about grades?

Which part? Or did you care about grades or did you do it just to learn? When I went back to India. Yeah, when you went back. I had the goal. I was trying to be valedictorian. I was... Ooh, Mr. Fancy Pants. I failed. I was the salutatorian, which is second place pretty club first loser But yeah, so I mean it was grades were important to me because I'd set the goal of I'm gonna do the very best I could but I just I loved learning new things that you I had reached that point in my life where school was acceptable and Getting new information, but maybe maybe you're on to something of it was my idea to go back and maybe that's

why I enjoy it. I actually think we are onto something with this forever university idea, because if I can elaborate a little, you don't pay student loans when you're in college. Right. You just keep taking them. You just keep taking them. Oh, so you're never paying these loans up. Oh, no, because I'm never leaving college I'm for and they go when you die they they could go with you. They don't get passed down to your family

Oh student loans do not get passed down. I mean, what's why? What is the cap? What is the cap is to how many degrees? I get how long I can live on? He died with 86 degrees What's the record for most degrees? Most degrees an important question we must answer. And were they able to pull that off entirely on student loans? What is the record on student loans? I have 62 million dollars in student loans. I guess I would rather learn forever and just embrace that environment. I think you could live a good I've always been romanticized living on campus someplace because I never got to do it. Oh it's all it's excellent I was just off campus it was

like the cool guy in the apartment near the dorms. Oh yeah yeah yeah you want to go to your dorm or you want to go to the apartment? So you were the gross old guy. I was a kid so I was okay Now I would be the gross old guy. Did you figure out the record for degrees? It seems it's Michael W. Nicholson who has 30 degrees. I can do better. Yeah, if you live there, yeah. That's a lot of degrees.

Alright, are we all sticking in school? Yeah, well, two thirds. Yeah, I mean Jason needs a roommate. Yeah, thank you, Mike. Tyler from Patreon, would you rather be able to paint any picture you can imagine or be able to write an amazing song at the drop of a hat? Ooh, fun ones. So this might surprise you, because I think the majority of people would prefer the music,

would prefer the songs. I think it's maybe even a cooler trait to have. But the reason that I would love to be able to paint any picture you imagine is because of how incredibly far away from that I am. Like, I don't know how to play the piano, but I could learn how to play the piano. I know that.

You know, I'm- You could learn to paint., but I could learn how to play the piano. I know that. I, you know, I'm- You could learn to paint. I could not learn to- Yeah, you can. I could. There's, here's how I know it's impossible. I can't picture in my head what I want to draw or paint. So I don't need to learn how to paint.

I need to learn how to think before I can then learn how to paint. What do you see in your head? Out of curiosity. Stick figures. Stick figures. how to think before I can learn how to play. What do you see in your head out of curiosity? I see broken ponies drawn in sticks. I mean, there's nothing that comes to my head when I go to draw. When I try to like, if I'm going to draw a football, the football in my head, I wish

it was clip art. I wish I could conjure up a clip art football in my mind what I am Visioning what my visioning my say what I am visioning right now is a two dimensional Stick outline totally oblong Football for a football now. Do you what size font do you think in? you're imaging these things? When I'm visioning, if I'm visioning deeply, it's a smaller font size. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like an eight, a nine.

Oh, an eight, a nine? You can still see that up there. In my head, yes. Now, in the real world, no, I'm going to need a better prescription on these lenses. You're an 18 or above. 18 or above in print. Yes now you do You this is kind of an inside joke because Jason has always zoomed in his screen. Yes. He's always zoomed websites

He's always when I when he'd asked me to make websites He always wants the fonts about two bigger than my two font sizes bigger than my sensibilities What I'm curious in is I? Two font size is bigger than my sensibilities. What I'm curious in is, do you write in a bigger font? When you write a letter or you write on something, do you increase your penmanship size? I do not, no. I think that-

Can you read your own handwriting? I can read my own handwriting. Do you hold it up to, I'm saying like, is it too small? Well, let me think here. If I was, I mean, I guess- Let me write something and I'll give you the font size. All right, let me Give me a minute to vision something here. Okay, it's like a stick figure but letters. Okay, well you guys talk I'll write something. All right great now Mike, which would you go with the amazing song?

Like I know if you put your mind to it and you sat down There's no way that you would say I couldn't go make an amazing song right now. So is that a reason to choose the picture, or is it like the process is still difficult for the song right now? Sure. I guess the process, sometimes it's very, very easy, but sometimes it is extremely difficult,

and you sit there forever and ever, and you're not getting anything done. So if it's at the drop of a hat, you're just always creating an amazing song, that sounds fantastic. I'm with Jason of Art is Sorcery to Me and I don't understand it. Going back to the choice of school,

because we're gonna cross-pollinate these questions here. Of course. I did go to art school at one point after I had graduated and I'm still trying to figure some things out, which was my decision. Oh. It was terrible. You flamed out of there?

Oh, I don't know that I was there long enough to call it a flame out. I have to ask you then. So you went to art school because you wanted to be like a graphic designer? I went to art school because I wanted to do, I wanted to make video games. And you figured that was part of the path.

And at the time, that was like the one place I could find and I'm interested I may have mentioned this but I was there maybe two courses and I was just I mean struggling like I've never been a visual artist stick figure level oh I mean worse. Ooh. And then one particular project. It was finger paints. No, it was a pencil drawing. And we had to set up just a scene. And so I put a shoe and something else.

And I worked hard on this. And I was pretty proud of the result. I'm like, for me, this looks good. So, you know turn it in And the next the next class where everyone's getting their papers back I get my paper back of my drawing and it just says please see me after class And I I did not see that Nor ever again No, this it was the grade was on the paper too.

Okay. Okay. This wasn't a, this was not gonna be an encouraging, hey man, I've seen the improvement over the last couple weeks. So you had thought you had made great strides, and the result was a bad grade, and it's see me after class, and you just saw yourself right out of that school.

Brutal. I'm like, I will never be back here again. I am done with you, Mr. Teacher. Wow. All right, Jason, give me that font. I'm going to hand this to you and you tell me what font size this is for writing standards. Is that abnormally large? Is that small? This is how you'd write a letter? This is how I'd write anything. Yeah, this is about 16 to 18. Okay, so I write in large font. Yeah, that's a pretty big like if you wrote that letter to me I would not be sure it wasn't coming from a child. Oh Fantastic, it's definitely a bigger. It's a bigger font. We can show the cameras here. So I don't know if the cameras will build

I mean the cameras can read it. That's so big Your penmanship is pretty good. It is. Thank you. Yeah, no, it's legible. How did you guys do in handwriting? Like the cursive and stuff? No, just when we got handwriting rings. Pretty good, pretty good.

Bad, bad, bad. Did you ever, what, now? Like that would have been the reason I was held back. In the scale, did they give, did they have the different letter set? Yes. Like the best is an E. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever get an N?

What does that stand for? Needs improvements. Oh, man. I think there was like, yeah, E was I think high S. Maybe there was an O for us. I don't know. But yes, at one point- See me after class. At one point, I got the equivalent of like a D or a or a D minus on my handwriting, because it was so bad.

Very impressive. I will go with the painting of the picture. I think that that would be, like, if you knew some of the discipline of painting, I feel like it would be so enjoyable. But I struggle at, I'm enjoying the process, and then you step back, and you go, ew. Yeah, because the foundations are like, OK, look at this object.

Break it down into shapes. It's just you're like, if you look at it, here's a cone. And then randomly, how do you possibly see these things? It's just a horse. What shape is this? Horse. It's horse shaped. Get out of here.

It's not a cylinder plus anything else. It's a horse. See me after class, Mike. Yes. Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Quince. Do you ever open your closet and think, why did I buy that? I definitely have, but since shopping with Quince, I see fewer misses and more hits,

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Do we have somebody that would like to go first? You want me to go? I can jump in here. Mine is just kind of a quick one. We like to keep the spitballers kind of a timeless as of the recording, but I'll say the recording of this one, it's close to Valentine's Day,

which is important for this story. So Valentine's Day, it be you know a delightful day for For lovers. Oh, yes out there is you you have you have couples But there are people who their hearts have been broken and they've they're no longer in a good relationship Perhaps that relationship ended, you know right around Valentine's Day Well, we have a zoo here And it's the San Antonio Zoo and they're offering a special Valentine's Day Opportunity for people for a $10 donation which goes to help out the zoo and you know like zoos need money so they can

Keep on run. Keep zoomin. So yeah, keep doing the zoo things. And they will name a cockroach. What? The name that you would like so should they, should they, though that has spurned you. After you're a spurned lover? Yeah, you can name, they will name the cockroach and then feed it to one of the lizards. Oh my goodness! So this is like a way of dealing with it. This is awesome! So you go to the zoo, you write down, you name the cockroach, your ex's name, and then you watch a lizard eat it. Yes, and you'd receive a digital Valentine's Day

card acknowledging the support, which you- Is there like a video of Stephanie being eaten? No, I don't think there's the video of it, but it's like if you want to then be extra petty you may send the Valentine to said spurner and be like, hey, I made you a roach and they ate you at the zoo. Yeah there's two options when you break up with someone. One is standard counseling. The other one is to go to this zoo and deal with it in a different way.

Hey, that's great. I think that's hilarious. They have, they have, uh, the vegetable route available as well. Should you not want to go fully to the bug? I love 10 bucks is way cheaper than counseling. Yeah, that's true. I love the creativity here by the zoos to keep, keep themselves in business. Oh, in business oh but also then for $25 you can use a rat yeah yeah you can you can name the rat after your ex for $25 for $50 do I get to feed the animal personally to say an alligator that part I do not know well that could be an upgrade. Yeah. Very nice.

At first, I thought you were going to say for Valentine's Day, you could pay to have one of the animals named after your sign. Like, I thought this was going to be a beautiful thing. And it was so much better than that. Wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. Wait, there's an upgrade?

There is for $150. Oh, let's have it. You can upgrade. And your donation, a personalized option, will create an individualized video message of your cockroach, rodent, or veggie being fed to the animals. Yes! So you can't, you can get the video.

That's an important part. I don't wanna. Oh, that's hitting social media. If I spend. That's hitting my stories. If I spend $10 or $50. We gotta get in on this. Oh, we should.

But if you just spend $10 or $50 and they say, okay, it happened. You know what I mean? Like, sure. You just sound like a crazy person. You're like, I named the cockroach up. You fed it to an answer. I want a video of this rat being eaten in your honor. That is fan. Tastic. Wow. Okay. Well, um, I guess I'll, I'll go next. Mine is also in the San Antonio. No, mine is local. Mine is from Arizona. Um, but, uh, it is in the world of animals. Um, so this is a very animal friendly, uh, show today. We're considering the draft. We're respecting our lost friends. I love pets. The headline reads, police in Arizona. Okay. Warn against buying owls from strangers while on drugs. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The

strangers are on drugs? Yeah, who's on the drugs? Or the owls are on the drugs. Police in Arizona warn against buying owls from strangers while you're on drugs. Okay. So you're on drugs. They are not necessarily warning you to not do drugs. They're just saying, while you do drugs, please don't buy owls from strangers. And what's funny is this was actually in a public service announcement from the Payson Police Department.

Our tax dollars are hard at work. And so basically this happened from someone who was on methamphetamines and bought a wild owl from a stranger for $100 in the middle of a night at a local gas station. Okay. I have more questions about the individual at the gas station with owls to sell than I may have for the methamphetamine. Yeah, I can understand it from the...

The meth head, I mean it's an owl. Yeah, you're going to from the meth head. I mean, it's an L. You're going to do a lot of dumb stuff. You already started doing dumb stuff. You started doing drugs. I'm just, I'm confused. So, but there's a guy now, please tell me it's in a trench coat that he's got five or six hours inside of my question is, does the owl handler have the owl on person or are they just like pointing up in a tree? They're like, I'll give you that one. I'll sell you that one over there. That's Frank. You want to buy a big Frank up in that tree? Now Owl, do you have any insight on this as our resident owl in this studio? I do not. I try to shy away from owl trafficking. Okay, that's good. The police in Arizona want people to do the same.

They talked about how it is illegal to buy wild animals, apparently. And so- I hope whoever sold him this owl, like Mike said, is just up in a tree and this guy is like, I wanna buy something, you got anything? He goes, yes, that, that up there. You can buy this owl.

And unfortunately, the owl had minor injuries when rescued from. Okay, so the owl wasn't in the tree. No, no, no, the owl was in a cage. It was in his pocket. It was in a cage. So the person who had the owl was a butthole? Yes, I believe there were two buttholes in this story.

Well, interesting. We live in a weird world. And speaking of which, I am not sure I should share this story. Oh, perfect. Let's have it. Only because I'm not sure it wasn't Jason in this story. Oh, let's not share this story. A Utah man... Okay, so far so good is accused of causing a wildfire by burning a

spider. Oh, worth it. A Utah man has been arrested not really on accusation that he started a wildfire while trying to burn a spider with his lighter. 26-year-old, oh, his name's in here, it's not Jason, it's Cory Martin. He spotted a spider while hiking in the foothills of Salt Lake City. Does he have a boot? And he decided to try and burn the spider. Now deputies, they did find a jar of marijuana in his belongings, but he wasn't high when burning the spider. Now deputies, they did find a jar of marijuana

in his belongings, but he wasn't high when burning the spider. So my father recently this Utah man this no, my father this last this last Christmas bought for me because we have like a cabin up north and I make campfires in the woods and sometimes it's hard to light them because it's windy or you know, whatever. And so he bought me this butane torch thing that is full of man, it's awesome. And it's really like small and handheld, you can put it in your pocket. But then when you push that button

in, it is straight, you're hot. You're like my face gets hot. It's awesome. If I had that thing on me in a hike and I came across a spider, I don't know that I have the self control to not just nuke that monster for the good of humanity. And the rest of the entire ecosystem. But that's the problem. I assume this guy must have had this butane torch because that thing would, it works. But here's the thing. You're not... you were not in your bedroom. You're out on... you're on a hike.

You can turn around. Like, you could simply just... It won't catch you. You could shift to the right two steps and just go around the spider. I'm on one side of the spider? I'm on the other side of the spider. Exactly. You are in... if you're on a hike, you are in the spider's area.

Like if you want to- This is why I don't do hikes. If you want to remove all- That's why. And kill all spiders in your house, OK, I get it. That's your territory. But don't go out into the wilderness and be like, I'm going to hunt these spiders down.

They're not doing it. They're just spidering. Don't burn the forest down. Yeah, don't do that too. I need to read the quote from the sergeant in the case to end this story. And he said quote, what led him to stop and notice a spider and decide to try and burn it? We don't know. There may not be a why. He might not even know why. What kind of spider was it? Does he even know? I don't know. This guy, unbelievable.

It's quite the story. So he was arrested, again, on suspicion of reckless burning. Did the spider die? I mean, probably in the wildfire. Yeah, a lot of them did. The spiders are? A lot of them did. All right, it's time to draft.

The Spitballers Draft. Well, we'll continue the animal theme. Creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. I mean Jason, I like that you shared the story of your thought to be dead bearded dragon, because that is the predicament that I am picturing with this draft. The pet is now dead. And actually I've thought about this with things like farming.

I was like, ah, it'd be cool to have a bunch of chickens. I'm like, what happens when your animals die? What do you do with them? How do you get rid of them? I gotta go touch. We're about to answer those questions. So look, and it's, I want a keyword creative ways to dispose of a dead pet.

Okay. Because my number one pick, I think, could be framed as a way to honor the dead pet. Okay. Nice, nice. Maybe to, you know, it kinda ties into what some people do in different funeral type of situations. I would like to take this dead pet. And I would like to tie it

to a balloon and set it free. Oh, how nice. So we're gonna let the little give me a name for like a little pet. Frank will go with Frank. Sure Frank's back. We're gonna let little Frank. I thought you were asking I was gonna go ferret Oh, but it's yeah Frank Frank the fair and we're going to tie him to the balloon filled with helium Okay, and we're gonna stand in the backyard and everyone's gonna say a nice word about The smelly ferret as he soars as he soars to some to the heavens to the heavens Yes, it's gone And eventually to somebody else's.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh yeah. It is my understanding that it just goes up forever. Oh, into space? There's a bunch of. And then we'll be in heaven. That's how that works. So I am going to, I think this would be amazing.

Okay. So that's what I'm gonna do with good old Frank. I love it. That is, can I just say it? That's beautiful. Well, it's the clear 101. All it. That is, can I just say it? That's beautiful. That's the clear 101. It's touching. All right, Mike, I thought you were gonna go with this one.

Okay. Because you were talking about you wanted to honor the, honor your friend who you've spent years with and maybe, like, you put, like, while you're honoring them, you aren't fully disposing of them. You are in fact keeping them around Yeah, this was because you're going with the taxidermy You're in an action shot to whatever sure whatever their number one trick was That's that's the pose that I give there. Did they have the the beg could they do that thing now?

Little rovers begging forever. Yeah. See, I think I would take my Rover and no matter how sweet I'd make it have a vicious growl. Oh, you know what I mean? Like this is a never had seen. It's a yeah, exactly. Because now he's a new fangs in there. You could just leave that by the front door and any time that door opens someone is going to crap their pants. I know, yeah, oh, the taxidermied version. Okay, I was thinking you were just saying the dead. I was like, that's too far, man. I knew a woman who, she was single and had her own place,

and she had tons of cats, and every time they'd die, she would taxidermy the cats, and she had a whole wall full of them. People do this. Wow. Also, I don't know that person, but that person would be really weird if I did huh? Yeah there are people that do it. Alright Jason. Okay so this is very reminiscent of your one-on-one pick Andy it's

something that I think is beautiful it's something I would want to do. Okay. It's something that has been done for thousands of years in certain cultures. Oh, this was my first pick. I am going to place this animal in a boat. Yes, dude. I'm going to kick it out to water. It was my number one. And I am light that sucker on fire with an arrow of Viking funeral. It was in my list too. It was the first thing I thought of. Goodbye sweet prince! Yes! Off to Valhalla!

The best part will be when you take it to like a lake like we have up north here where it's very small and there's nowhere for this thing to go but to the other side of the lake and then you burn the forest down. You really need to put it out on like a moving body of water, right? Yeah, the ocean. But then I worry it'll just keep coming back. It's like, no, no, no. When does the tide go out?

All right. So Viking funeral. That's that's special. All right. And now we're getting out with the hamster, too. You could do with anything. It's a little boat. Yeah. Well, you size the boat appropriately. This is what it's a hamster. The lizard on it and then halfway out to see his head move. The only problem is you would prefer it to be a larger animal for success rate of arrows.

Oh, the arrows. Because if that's a little boat, you're going to need a lot of arrows. All right. My next one is far more practical. You can't always, you know. You don't got time. You don't got time to go to the ocean and build a boat and Viking funeral. Sometimes you just got to dispose.

Sure. But it is illegal in almost every place that I know of to actually dispose of a pet in the garbage. You cannot do that. Really? Yeah, you can't do that. I knew that. Yeah. Yeah, don't... kids, you don't put... What are you supposed to do with them? Well, you can't do that. I knew that. Yeah. Yeah don't uh kids you don't put... What are you supposed to do with them? Well I've got the answer. Who are you supposed to call the vet?

A neighbor's garbage can. That is the answer. I'm going to sneak in the middle of the night before garbage pickup day and it goes in that guy's garbage can. It was totally on my list. Yeah. Because I mean, that's the way. And don't stink up your own can. Very nice. Probably go down the street. Yeah, I'd walk.

I'd take a walk. Maybe I'd take a drive. Well, then it's going to be in the car. It's a tough situation, but just don't put it in your own garbage can. Got to find another. All right. A neighbor's trash can.

Mike, you are back. You have taxidermied your pets. Yeah, so I will say, we approach this draft very differently. I do have one that kind of fits in here with what you're talking about. And look, we'll call this just, it's a problem for someone else because it's just right in a time capsule. And it's just right in a time capsule. And it's just going. Oh, how speedy.

Wow. Just going in the yard. Oh man, that's good. With a note that says, open me in 50 years. Oh man, I hope you moved before then. That's a good one. It'll keep the smell, right? Oh yeah.

Oh, it'll. Yeah, time capsule. It'll seal it in. Sealing the yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm careful. Sealing the juices, sealing the flavor. Yeah. Oh man. Fido's coming back. I wouldn't put any other valuables in that one alongside Fido. I have to to make it a real time capsule. I put, I put two time capsules. I put like, I put like a CD in there, a USB drive, and Fido. This is what dogs used to be like. Okay, wow, time capsule that. That's a good one.

I have released a pet, or to the heavens, by Balloon. I'm trying to decide what the best route to go is. I've got some difficult to kind of get your head around ideas. Okay, high concept. Things that not everybody in the family is gonna be in on. Yeah, I got those too. Be a leader. I think the best thing to keep the family together in a matter of speaking, because when the pet leaves it's an absence. So why, why dispose of this? Why get this essence out of your house when you could feed it to the other pets?

Oh! Okay. So they become one. I see, like they absorb the power. Yes. As many cultures used to think. You can say they're still with us. Are the other pets in on this?

Do you think you can get them to partake? Whatever it takes. If you need to do a little extra? Maneuvering I mean, maybe they'll just eat it right now Are you is this like you're gonna mix it in turn it into a sausage or if necessary? Oh, man Okay, that's a that's a rough one. Yeah, and you're saying your whole family's not in on that one Not the whole family most of them. No, not even the pets that are gonna to eat. They say, I hope your pets are just like those big hogs that eat everything. That would work. Yeah. Oh yeah. That would work. Well, at that point, if it's a big hog, if that's all the pets,

then just baking it up. I mean, yeah. And now he's with you. Right. This next one is more expensive, Oh, but not quite as difficult to swallow Okay, so to speak as the last one sure and They did it long ago to honor their leaders, huh, and we're gonna Mummification. Oh, it's on my list sarcophagus. Oh, okay. So we are I didn't have the fan We're mummifying and we're putting it in a golden sarcophagus No, no fancy to the way you put in the sarcophagus. I what do we now you're gonna get a minute Now you're just getting crazy. Yeah, this is on display in the living room under glass. Okay But it is of course your pet right? Right, so I will go mummification. Yeah, it was definitely on my list

All right. We are back to Mike. Okay. For my next pick, I'll just start it out with, I mean, I got this idea from a movie. Maybe she was onto something in that Cruella De Vil wanted to create a coat. Yeah. And what better way to never forget my friend than I have a coat a fur coat yeah quick oh I mean well yeah I don't know what you have to

do is dad yes he's that hurry you have to take care of those things but of course but then it needs to be prepared so I mean I guess a fur coat I don't hang them on the walls but we don't wear them as often as we'd like to well It's pretty frowned upon these days to wear animal cats Well, that's not a you gotta have a lot of cats for a coat do you that's more like a mitten? Oh You know you just get in mitten. Yeah, kitten me so you're hoping that you lost two Because otherwise, it's really just like a like an oven glove and you really want a pair of kitten mittens Yeah, I would be smitten for some men That's a great

Coat I really really, really like keeping... You knew Kitten Mittens were coming out of that. Corolla DeVille started it. You used Corolla DeVille as your inspiration. Yeah, as my scapegoat. That's one of the problems. Don't use villains. Scapegoat. Alright.

Okay, so I see that you guys are starting to hold on to these pets. You're starting to keep them with you. You're starting to yeah with you you're taxidermy You're eating them and wearing them right I? Really want to taxidermy and unfortunately You don't have it's been taken so I am left with pickling That is the way that I get to retain Oh, that is the way that I get to retain this wonderful animal in a jar, preserving it. You can pickle anything, Mike. You can pickle anything and preserve it.

It might have been better to just, you know, I'm sure there's other ways, but my way is pickling. And I think that- And then it just stays in the jar forever. Oh yeah, you don't want to open that jar. I'm sure there's other ways, but my way is pickling. And I think that- And then it just stays in the jar forever. Oh yeah, you don't want to open that jar. There's a Portlandia episode where the company is like, we can pickle that and it's everything. Oh man.

Yeah, it's in the jar like the shrunken heads and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. All right. Okay, the other one- Hope you're still with us. Oh, they're still with us. They're in on this. This is, I think our views are going up right now.

Suddenly feeding it to your other pet seems pretty good, doesn't it? I don't think so. No, I think that is still far and away last place. You're literally eating it. Okay, the last one, look, in the case of Spike, this would have worked very well. But in most cases, could backfire. Not a guarantee, could. But I think if you're quick enough on the uptick, you can all the lost pet okay and gift the sleeping free hat

to a bad family member so they have they have not passed on yet well no he has I mean I know that oh but they are not aware and then you hit them with a, what'd you do? You know, this is their fault because I gave you my wonderful control families. Oh, absolutely. Um, I gave them a, he was just peacefully resting. Um, and then you have them one day. So to be clear, you are gifting a dead animal to your. But a bad relative. Right. I don't wanna. Like Cruella. Exactly, if she happened to be like cousin Cruella, okay.

And she'd be probably fine with that. But then you do blame them for killing him. Now again, there is a situation here. Like if I had done that with Spike, I mean they just got a nice. They got an animal. So, you know, one out of 100 times, we're probably gonna be wrong,

and this is a real sweet gift. Other times, it's not your fault, it's their fault. All right, Mike, you get one more creative way of disposing your dead pet. In this lighthearted jaunt through creativity. Through death. I mean, we knew it wasn't gonna be a happy-go-lucky draft. We gotta laugh our way through Yeah, I don't know if you fellas remember this from a few years ago, but this

Hit the internet it went viral an artist went with this particular tactic after their their their cat had passed on He took that cat And he attached it to a drone and he made himself a helicopter kitty cat. Oh, what? I don't remember who. Go ahead and Google helicopter cat everybody. That was a real cat? Then it was a real cat.

Oh no. And it was a real... Kids. Don't strap a pet to anything. Oh yeah, no. I mean that's just a helicopter kitty cat. That's a helicopter kitty cat, right? That is.

I mean, one last flight. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Jason's face right now is aghast. I mean, they did a great job. They really did good work. It looks.

It's a taxidrone? It's a taxidrone. Yeah Wow cat cats away Artist turns dead pet into flying helicopter. There you go. So you could just call anything art. Yeah. Yeah Well, you have to call all of this art. Well, here's the thing here when they asked do you do you understand it? No, then it's art. Okay, that's it's good art. Yeah, that is really good. So that kid in the mountains setting the fire to this... that was art? The scorp... the spider fire? No, because we understand why he was trying to kill the spider. Yeah, because they're monsters. Wow, heli... oh boy, I'm looking at it. Are the pictures coming in?

Frightening. The helicopter cat. Wow, what a terrifying... The cat looks like it's having a good time. Wow, what a terrifying... The cat looks like it's having a good time. It does! The artist did a good job. He did a really good job taking care of this cat. It's just, it's on the prowl.

I mean, it's flying with wings. This cat has wings now. You're telling me... I want to go that way! Absolutely! wings now. You're telling me. I want to go that way. Absolutely. If you can helicopter me at your funeral, the casket opens up and chases it. And fly out and away. Up into the heavens. Yes. I mean 100%. That's that. Do not cremate me. Fly me. Over the people. Fly me to the moon. Out the door. No one has any.

I'm gonna need a bigger drone. You set them on a one-way course, up and away. Yeah. You put the controller away until that battery dies. That's right. You set the controller down and everybody just salutes you. The pilot just salutes you as you fly out of your own funeral. Yeah. They all salute.

I think the whole, I think the entire congregation there, they salute. That's a different kind of funeral. Second start. That's better than the Viking one. You said it to the second start of the right? Straight on till morning. Wow.

Well, I won't be able to top that. I'm just going to go with a pretty quick and easy. This is the kid, the bus just pulled up. You heard the brakes on the bus. You just realized the pet is dead and you've gotta act fast. And that is obviously the garbage disposal. We're gonna get it in. We're gonna get it on.

Because it's illegal to throw it in the trash, right? You guys told me it. Hope this is a goldfish. And that's how we're gonna end this draft. It's illegal to throw it in the trash, right? Oh. You guys told me it. Told us a goldfish. And that's how we're going to end this draft. It's a horse. What are you doing? You can't do that. Oh, man.

It's a horse. Oh, man. It's a horse. It's going to take a while. All right. What did we learn today? I learned Andy is a savage I mean, I just I learned that I write in large font, but that's like nothing My goodness, I I learned that the market for illegal owls is bigger than I thought it was. That's why we got one.

Oh man. Owl ballin' in the house. Any ways to dispose of pets we forgot there, Al? I think you got it covered. Yeah, that's right. Just throw them. Just toss them. Thank you for listening, everybody.

Hey, please tell your friends about the show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Hey, please tell your friends about this show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.