Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Jason Makes a Mistake & Skills We Wish We Had - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Spit Hit for January 3rd, 2021: Our most requested segment is back today! Liar Liar! Once again, the guys put their intellect up against the clever Owl. Will this be the first time one of the hosts can see through all the lies? But before that, we discuss some ‘Would You Rather’ scenarios involving chewing someone else’s gum, wearing dirty clothes for a week, and finding the Holy Grail. We finish this episode off with a battle royale draft with a twist. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Happy New Year, Spitwads. We are so excited for the new year coming soon. We have an awesome classic episode for you this week while we are with our families. And we will be back next week with a brand new episode. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-baby-dee-bop, a-baby-dee-bop, a-lock-a-boom-boom. All right.

I liked everything about it. I liked the little hesitation move, little crossover dribble. That's right around the back. Oh, yeah. I went around the back. Here's the best part. Up and under. Of that scat.

Nothing but net, baby. The best part of that scat is you did what it's supposed to do. I'm all hyped now. I'm like, you got me into the show. I was like, okay, we're doing a show. Now it's like, b-boo-doo-bop. What? Let's go.

And it wasn't too complicated. It just was. It just was perfect. He had to make up for the last one. When the music is playing and there's pointing going on in the videos of like, wait. Who's got the scat? Who's got it? And then Al Borland's like, Mike, you have the scat.

I go, oh, like a boom-boom. Gotcha. There you go. Knocked it out of the park, Mike. Well done. Well done. I go, oh, lock it, boom, boom. Gotcha. There you go. Knocked it out of the park, Mike. It's my bedingy now. Yep, that's fine. Everyone needs a good bedingy. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast, episode 111, Al Borland in the house.

What's up, Spitballs? Turning the dials. Yeah, there he is. There he is. Mike, Jason, I'm Andy, and we have a great show today. I think we have a very interesting draft. You'll learn a little bit more about us, I think, during this draft. And we're going to do some Liar Liar on the show today,

some Is This Real Life? Appreciate everybody supporting the show over at spitballerspod.com uh click the become a spitwad button submit your questions get some extra perks early release episodes things of that nature you can check it out at spitballerspod.com i guess we should just get going. Get into it? Yeah. Is this real life? All right. We're going to do, is this real life?

Each of us has a news story that we're going to reveal to the other two. They have not heard about it. And these are some shocking illustrations of what's going on in our world. Now, do we have a volunteer to go first? Because I'm looking forward to learning about what's happening. Mike is ready. Look, I'm happy to go first. Mine's short. It's right to the point.

Okay. But here, what's the deal with airlines? Like, come on. You know we we all hate flying we all hate getting on airplanes and most airlines are the worst yeah yeah the seats are small and it's crowded and you wait forever and speaking of seats you know what's terrible is when like you get a really bad seat yeah you know when you're walking down the aisle there and you see the the row number you've been assigned and you're like, I'm not even halfway down there. No, that letter doesn't exist.

Even close. Well, that also happened to a woman who was flying on Lion Air, which this was reported from the New Zealand Herald. So the Lion Air is a budget airline out of Indonesia. So she's going down there to her seat, and she had a ticket for row 35. Okay. She got to row 34, and then row 35 was, in fact, the laboratory.

So her seat was... Her assigned seat was the bathroom? Her assigned seat was the pooper now let's examine this for a minute because that really bad i'm wondering if you get to be in there before anything happens you put the seat down you got a private suite you got honestly that's suite 35 that's not row 35 that's sweet 35 like you should have to pay more i feel like you should have because i'm not letting anybody else it's not like oh knock on the door it's my turn no this is my seat so i'm staying here and

obviously if you need to go to the bathroom you've got that built in now i imagine she was not as happy so that the passenger which i i apologize i i read it wrong it was it was a man but it's we we've all been this person before but so uh he complained to the the staff and he wrote later on facebook that they the flight attendants were very rude they lacked manners clearly this is a an faa violation like you can't fly with someone in the bathroom as it turns out the original flight was supposed to be a plane with 39 rows okay so they found a seat for him at the front but i just imagine being that person in that moment at row 34 going hold on because no lavatory have my name on it? You don't want to be in the back row because those seats don't go backwards.

That's true. We all know that. When you see you're in the back row, you go, oh, crap. But this was a bigger, oh, crap. Let me ask you guys a question just to follow up on this. This is kind of thoughts that go through your head while flying in a plane. Have you ever been on a plane? And you know everybody has the like fears of a plane crash even though it's like the odds are so low compared to all these other catastrophes do you ever think about

like am i in the best row or area of the plane to where like i got a fighting chance in a crash where it's like you go nose down into the water and maybe like the front half breaks off but you're sitting in the back you're like i could i could definitely lost on abc this thing i don't have that i'm not i'm not a man full of anxiety i don't get on and worry and look around and start scoping out the plane and the passengers i i just chill i get on the now here's here's the truth it's a it's a double win when you get that exit row, though. Right? Oh, of course.

It's got to be the safest place, because you know when that emergency happens, I'm popping that door, and I am flying out that plane. Oh, yeah. The old, here's the oath you have to take in the exit row. Sure, I will. In the unlikely event of an emergency evacuation, are you willing to help people? Yes. Do you want to help people? Yes. Do you want to know how I'm going to help?

Totally. I'm going to help by getting the door open quick and showing them how to eject yourself. Like, lead by example. I will lead by example. You know what? The answer they should require you to say when they ask,

are you comfortable with your responsibilities? The answer should be maybe because i honestly if i'm in a plane crash even if i thought i will 100 do that i honestly have no idea how i will react if i am at the part i've been in a plane crash things are on fire you're in complete shock my answer is i maybe i'll help it is a wild word because if you say maybe, you're done. You're out. Well, they'll kick you out. I'm saying they should let that go as long as you don't say no,

as long as you say maybe or yes. It is such an interesting social contract. Do you want the extra leg room? Then you're the helper in the event of an emergency. That is the cost. That is so weird. But while we're on the topic of planes, and Jason is notoriously and annoyingly not an anxious person,

I am an anxious person. I have battled anxiety my entire life, and planes have been a trigger of mine. And so I've told you guys this story. I don't know if I've shared it on the thousand podcasts we've ever done, but we had one of our trips, our business trips planned, for the fantasy footballers for our football podcast where we were going out of town,

and Sully came on the HBO. Sully is the story. It's Tom freaking Hanks, man. So you couldn't resist that? Tom Hanks is a national treasure, and I must pay my respects and enjoy the films that this man has created for me to watch. I had never seen it.

Of course, I know the story of Sullivan. He lands the plane in the Hudson. No one dies. It's like this incredible story. But their plane crash sequence is so visceral and so real. It was one of the top three worst decisions i've ever made in my life was watching solely the night before i had to get on a plane that reminds me of watching outbreak when i had a 104 degree fever with the flu and i was like it's not smart to do but uh

that's funny all right i i will give you my story next by the way i'm just going to come out with this because it's the best case scenario oh yeah yeah you know what's coming i do listen we waited for jason to get on the zoom and we waited a little while because his internet was messed up and his had to restart routers and computers and we how long have we been doing this so far al can you give me a time stamp so far nine minutes and 29 minutes now what do you tell your kids before you go on a road trip you go to the bathroom restroom go to the bathroom so i've got we got a slack message we're nine minutes into the show and he's got to pee so bad so bad this is going to be an update

throughout this episode no no no but we need to set set up the show andy what what were we doing uh when we were supposed to be recording yeah we were waiting on jason yeah but for how long yeah plenty of time to pee multiple times maybe 50 times the point was that i was at the laboratory that brought this to mind? I was, oh, it didn't help that your first article here, Mike, is about a bathroom. I'm like, man, that sounds great. I could use that right this second. No, the whole time we're restarting the software. We'll keep going.

You just go. Go take a pee. I don't want to make the show that bad. And if I happen to wet my pants on the podcast this is just great audio either you're absent from it which we won't edit i mean we we one shot this thing i mean that is integrity true we'll just keep checking in as the episode goes along maybe maybe i'll lose the urge but right now no and i need you to tell me what what were you doing j Jason? I was monitoring. I felt like you guys were waiting for me. And I got the little bar on my computer like, oh, it's updating.

And then I'm like, whoa, is this going to take a long time or not? And then it jumps quick. So I'm just sitting here waiting to get in because you're all waiting on me. Who's drinking gallons of water? So you were sitting and waiting. That's also known as doing nothing. Monitor waiting. That also known as doing nothing. Monitoring. You could call that doing nothing.

Monitoring. I was being a professional monitor. Monitoring is like his belt. I'll tell you what. Systems check. The camera's only waist high here and we're in our own homes. Maybe I'll just go mid-show and you won't even know until I tell you I am fine. We will lose our clean rating.

At least we have the YouTube video in case someone wants to analyze when the pee happens on today's show. Minute 23 and 45 seconds. I believe Jason's pause there was relieving himself. There was a point when you were updating where you told us it was 40 minutes, so you had like a 40-minute window, you thought, that's true i should have been then but i didn't think about it and now here we are live recording all right here's my is this real life story i want to share with you guys because it entertained me very much thieves snatch shark from san antonio aquarium wheel it out in a baby carriage so shark nappers which is a term i'd never heard uh they brought their own net

and their own stroller they snagged a shark from a tide pool put it in the baby carriage pool, put it in the baby carriage, and escaped in a red pickup truck with the shark. In fact, go ahead. Go ahead. I'm just curious. Ask the questions. These people came in with a baby carriage. Right. Right.

Well, you can veil that real nice. I mean, yeah, I guess. Nobody's checking for babies in those things. You put a cover over a baby sleeping. I would imagine they also brought a bonnet to put on the shark for the way out. So nothing to see here, regular baby. Oh, my gosh. Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Oh, a hungry little fella. My question, and Andy, I assume you've read the article. My question is, what's the water situation? Is this an aquatic stroller? Or is it just flopping is this an aquatic stroller is this or is it just flopping around an aquatic stroller like did they build did they build some tank into the stroller where they could i don't know how long sharks can go i think they can go a little bit i mean because like this long here's here's what we know and this is good news for all the spitwads

out there uh look one suspect is in custody and, quote, the shark is alive and well and on its way back to the aquarium. That's not possible. Now, unfortunately, the police chief said officers initially refused to believe the 911 call that came in and that the shark napping was real. So there you go. You know you gotta look if you oh my gosh there's video no no oh yeah oh my god of the stroller um i didn't imagine they get do they do they get out they they got away or they got stopped right there like sir you can't take

this shark out in a stroller. They got it in the truck. I mean. Yeah, they actually got it home and they said they found the shark in a makeshift aquarium at their house, whatever that means. Oh, yeah. They have the video of them actually putting it in the baby carriage. Look, people, people, this is it? This is the thing you got to do?

This is it. We're here. We got here. We got here. I got to get a shark from an aquarium. Wow. Okay. It's just one of those things, too. If you go to jail for shark napping, I mean, what did you gain?

You gained a pet. What's the precedent on this? There's no former cases. This sets the precedent. That's what it is. Shark napping. What is the... The judge is so pumped.

Was this shark napping without a water stroller? That's even more heinous. Shark napping? Second degree shark napping. All right. So that's my story. All right. Speaking of animals, here's...

Multiple degrees of shark napping. Yeah. You either did it or you didn't what was your intent yeah with an intent to i i i didn't know i was gonna steal that yes all right unintentional heat of my headline my headline is it was that sir have you seen that shark that is is a good looking shark. I had to get it home. It had to be mine. All right, Jason, go ahead. My headline reads, man live on air peace pants on Spitballers Park. No.

All right, here's my headline. It's also animal related. Oh, man. Duck. All right, you got to listen to the headline here because you got to follow along all right duck eats yeast quacks explodes man loses eye so again duck eats yeast quacksacks, explodes, man loses eye. That is the headline. No. And this is a true story.

This is a, this is, it really happened in Des Moines, Iowa. Duck eats yeast, quacks, explodes. Quacks, explodes, man loses eye. It gets better than that. You think, oh, okay, let's see. This is a little weird. This duck just took a prize at the recent Iowa Poultry Show. According to the articles, this is no ordinary duck.

This is an award-winning duck. This is an award-winning duck. And unfortunately, on the patio was a pan of yeast and they could see from the markings in that that the duck ate this yeast and then when the upon and let me read the markings upon returning from church mr Perkins discovered his prized duck was somewhat in a lodgy condition with telltale marks around the pan of yeast. Look, this is an old article. A lodgy?

Hold up. No, no, I love this. I love this. Lodgy condition. I'll look up lodgy, Mike. Yes, please. Don't worry about that. So then he was about to pick up the bird when the bird quacked and exploded.

Oh, no. With a loud sound of Mr. Perkins. Dull and heavy. As explosions tend to happen. Yes. Yeah. I mean, I've never seen a quiet explosion. But yeah, apparently the duck burst into hundreds of pieces, according to this article.

And a piece flew into the man's eye and blinded him. So this is the story. Is this real life? It's funny if it wasn't so sad that he's blind now. Not every Shakespeare is a comedy. Sometimes it's a tragedy, and this is clearly a tragic event uh but yes apparently the moral of the story is ducks you don't feed ducks yeast yeah okay step one i'm like i'm not a man of of baking why would a baker is another word for it a man of baking yes i'm not a baker that's fine got it i'm not a man of baking

clearly not a man of baking yes what do they call people that bake a man of baking of course unless it's a woman and it's a woman of baking um i am not a person of baking uh what on on your patio why is there just a pan of yeast at duck level what is it doing there that's also what they call it investigator yeah anything on the ground is duck level that's what they that is true by the way lodgy dull and heavy in motion or thought, sluggish. The beer made them lodgy and disinclined to move. So this duck was lodgy and slow and something was up. L-O-G-Y. And it quacked and the man bent down to get his prize duck and it blew up in his face.

Oh, no. I mean, that's terrible, but can you walk yourself through this? That's what I'm saying. He quacked and then you go, what's wrong? But boom. So yeast is explosive or just explosive inside of a duck? It said somewhere in there. I think I said it was fermented yeast.

I don't know if that's the difference maker. Oh, Mr. Perkins, what are you up to? Yeah. You lodgy old soul. Here's the thing. He's making some moonshot. And I hate to be like, I don't want to be discriminatory towards this one-eyed man. But here's making some moonshot and i hate to be like i don't want to be discriminatory towards this this one-eyed man but here's the thing if you are in the middle of a job interview and you just

smashed it like everything goes well and the last question is oh by the way how'd you lose your eye fishing accident and you uh but if you answer my duck, you're probably not getting the job. My duck ate yeast, quacked, exploded. I lost an eye. You probably read about it in the local paper. He's got the article in his back pocket. I'm glad you brought it up. Check this out.

I was in the papers. Man, that is not real life, Jason. Can't be. Yeah. Are you going to be in a more lodgy condition as the show goes on oh no no no the quite the opposite i think i'll be bubbly and uh springy we'll do whatever we can do to help you we'll do whatever we can do to help if you're watching on youtube right now you can see that my my my hands and my... No, they're not sweaty, but they're relatively still. My legs are doing this at all times.

I'm doing the pee-pee dance. We've all done it. We've all been there. Do the... Oh, my God. Body dance. All right. Let's do some Liar Liar.

Spit wads. If you're like me, you know you live your life relying on a device and it's easy to forget about the hardware you're born with and i'm talking about uh what you're listening with right now your ear and your ear is just like a fingerprint no two are exactly alike and that's why unless you've paid like thousands of dollars for high-end custom fit ear equipment, your earbuds probably cause you some discomfort. They might fall out. They might cause you pain. And that's why I want to introduce all of our listeners to the Ultimate Ears Fits

true wireless custom fit earbuds from Ultimate Ears. They're here to change that game. And I am telling you, this is one of the coolest products in the world because they sent us the earbuds and you put them in and then you turn them on and this light turns on and it gently warms up the material, which comes from, I'm guessing outer space. I don't know. It's magic. And the light makes them harden in your ears and then

shape to your actual ear. And then you have custom fit earbuds because they all try to make them like universal, but your ears aren't universal. So if you want to check these out, you can use the promo code ballers at ue.com slash fits to get your pair of UE fits for just $169 during their holiday sale. That's ue.com slash fits promo code ballers. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Yes. This segment has become my white whale. I want to beat Al Borland today.

I don't even care if it's me. I mean, it'll probably be me. It felt good last week. But either of you. Or however many weeks, but last time. No, no, I want to go undefeated. You didn't go undefeated. No, but I still won.

Two to one. You beat us, but nobody's beaten him at his own game, gone perfect through these lies. Well, that all changes today, gentlemen. Otherwise, we'll be feeding them yeast. Real quick, I have a problem.

A new one? Well, it's related, and I seek advice. That's a great question segment. I'm thirsty. Oh my goodness gracious. gracious oh is that you al borland playing oh that is what we have in earbuds i am this is in my soul i'm hearing this sound he thought it was him it was a 50 50 he thought it was him i am thirsty q p sound no my point is i am thirsty and i didn't know if i should drink or not you gotta take real small sips i told al to be looking for some rushing

water fine let's help jason along in this journey i'm gonna finish this glass and then the next time you see this glass it will not it's not gonna to be clear no no also yes that's great round one of liar liar I'm going to read you three facts one of them is a brutal unadulterated lie from the lips of our lying producer Al Borland

he's such a liar but a good one and that is a problem alright and then we have to try to identify the lie. We'll play three rounds. You should play with us at home, and if you beat Al Borland, then you will have the satisfaction we have yet to have on this show.

Then you, sir or ma'am, are a liar because he's good. He's darn good. All right, round one. First fact. The space between your eyebrows. That's the only way I can read it. Dave Matthews? Yes.

The space between your eyebrows is called the glabella. Glabella? Glabella. Yeah. I don't want to mispronounce his lie word. His made up word. The space between the eyebrows is called the glabella. Possible. I have no idea if that's true. Number two. eyebrows is called the glabella. Possible.

I have no idea if that's true. Number two, roosters are so obnoxious, they have built-in earplugs. When they fully open their beaks, their auditory canals completely close off. Oh, my gosh. That makes some sense. I feel like if Owl was making a lie, he wouldn't use the opinion word of obnoxious. You know what I mean? Because Roosters is so obnoxious that yada yada.

So I think that I'm going to say this is true. You can see how desperate we are at this point. This is a deep philosophical dive right now. Yeah. I'm going to say that one's true. Okay. Number three. In Kentucky, adolescents can get a learner's permit at the age of 12, a driver's license at the age of 14, but must drive under parental supervision until the age of 16.

I think that one is a bona fide truth. I think that one is guaranteed. Andy, how old is your oldest son? He'll be 12 in December. And that is frightening. But in Kentucky, now I have a complete cliche view of Kentucky because I live in Arizona. But my assumption is there's not a lot of people right next to each other. And they drive tractors and stuff like that.

I was going with the stereotype of tractors. Look, Kentucky, I apologize if I am way off. I don't know if that's a stereotype. That's just kind of like people do farm, right? I mean. But is Kentucky in farmland? That part I don't know. I don't know if that's a stereotype. That's just kind of like people do farm, right? But is Kentucky in farmland? That part I don't know. I don't know.

Jason, look, I need to go to the geography expert. Jason, where in the United States is Kentucky? Kentucky is Kansas. So those are, just so you know, those two places that some people call it. Interchangeable. Some people call it Kansas. Some people call it Kentucky. But it's just a people call it Kentucky.

But it's just a matter of are you... That's the best answer ever. Because it's so true. Kentucky is Kansas. I'm so sorry, Kentucky. And Kansas, really, both. Well, not Kansas. Never apologize to Kansas. No, I will never apologize to Kansas.

Now I got to look this up. Is Kentucky Kansas? Is Kentucky Kansas? Okay, I believe that look this up. Is Kentucky Kansas? Is Kentucky Kansas? Okay. I believe that one, though. I believe that there are those states, more farming, more rural. If you're rural, your kids, I mean, the idea of letting them drive around on your property or with miles between homes and stuff like that is not scary.

It's the same reason in Arizona we have our incredible rule that you can ride in the back of a pickup truck. Oh, that's still allowed. I'm pretty sure. Wow. The craziest rule. Had to do with farm country. Hot take. That should not be allowed.

Here's another hot take of an Arizona rule that shouldn't be allowed. This is one of the only states in the country that you can ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Yeah, but as long as you have protective eyewear on, Jason, you got to protect those eyes. And the reason is just because it's hot. Wait, no. The reason is it's hot? It's too hot to wear a helmet out here in Arizona in the summer. So I'm sure that factors into the law.

Hold on. of the law hold on you went from stating a fact to i'm pretty sure this is why to if that's the reason then i totally get it okay all right but i'm very sure all right uh that was a wonderful dive into geography and so i i think it's between the first two is the lie i really do i think the last one's true myself i don't know if you guys are on board with that. Glabella? Yeah. And then the rooster one, I mean, built-in earplugs. When they fully open their beaks, their auditory canals completely close off.

It's so good. I think that's the lie. If that's the lie, that's so good. Kentucky's alive. 12 is too young for learners. I don't care if you got tractors or not. We might need to just split our votes here, Mike, for the sake of somebody saying perfect against Al.

But I'm going Roosters is the lie. Yep. Kentucky's the lie. Okay. Mike, you got to weigh in. So I have to take Glabella for the team? No, you don't have to. No, you take whatever you think is.

Yeah. Oh, man. I'd like to Google Glabella. Can I phone a friend? Can I have the answer first? Can I have the answer? I'd like the answer. It was my initial gut check,

though the gut check on these has not been very accurate. So I'm going to take Glabella. The space between your eyebrows is called the Glabella is a lie. Space between. All right, Al. Jason's confidence on this one is scaring me a bit. He did get that one right, and he knew it. Oh, baby.

So Kentucky, what is the true? Is it like 14 is the age, not 12? It's actually 16. And you have to have your permit for six months before you can get your license. Okay, so that's what we have here, too. Yeah, so it's no different. So they don't farm?

Is that what that means? They don't farm in Kentucky? I don't think it's farmland. They're not Kansas. They're not Kansas. In fact, they don't even border Kansas. I Googled, and after Googling Kentucky, I now realize that Kentucky is West Virginia. So I apologize to Kansas.

Here is a fact that I just found out. You can actually obtain a learner's permit at 14 in Alaska, Arkansas, Iowa, Kansas, and North and South Dakota. All right. So then that... Well, no, because this said learner's permit at 12. No, because he said 12. Yeah. Yeah.

Not 14. Yeah, but 14 is the youngest age in the United States that you can do that. Al, I'm happy you are scared because I'm on to you. I'm seeing through all this nonsense. I'm disappointed, but now I just want to catch up and beat Jason. I just want Andy to read this next word. Great, great. All right, round two.

Round two, three facts. Oh, good luck. Dephthonatophobia. Dephthonatophobia. Dephthonatophobia. Oh, wow. If this is the lie, you are a monster for knowing how to say that. Is the fear of dying while pooping?

While defecating. Yeah. It makes sense. Math checks out. Wait a minute. So hold on. You didn't put that together, Jay? I didn't.

No, I was thinking about Ow owl and his propensity to lie um he's a liar i remember when he said that the you know that he knew his mailman's name he chimed in and was like i know i know the mailman name um that was to help i mean he was lying in that moment because he didn't um he was doing that to help his lie. And the fact that he chimes in here. That was fast. It's pronounced like this. I had this prepared. Of course he had it prepared.

Yeah, he's smart. He's smart. I'm on to him. I'm on to your tricks, Al. All right, next one. Dang. All right, next one. A tiger's tongue is so rough that just a few licks could draw blood from your hand or remove paint from a

wall i sure i believe that one for sure i've i like i've been i've been known to be licked by a few tigers the only way to not tigers but like by a dog like my dog is obsessed with licking my feet and you're like after a few it's uncomfortable although that's just a normal house dog the only way to like prove this one wrong like if it's you know because some of this is like the strength of the animal right there's a little bit it's no guarantee that if a tiger licked the wall it would take paint so the only way to guarantee that this is a lie is like actually tigers have really gentle soft tongues and i don't believe that for one second. Okay, Jason, how many licks would it take you to remove paint from a wall? Infinity licks?

You could never do it? I could never do it. You don't have much confidence in yourself, I see. I have confidence in modern paint. I think I could get that paint. With just your tongue? I think I could do it. Man.

I think with enough time, anyone could do anything. We watched Tiger King, and I feel like there was some- Carol Baskin. Some tigers licking things, and nobody was screaming in pain, so that's tough. Number three, a pop-up toaster was invented. The pop-up toaster was invented in 1919. Sliced bread was first sold in 1928. Oh, man.

Math checks out. I get it because that's why people are so excited about sliced bread. Oh, yeah. They've been waiting to use it for nine years. I've got this toaster. It's so impractical because I have to cut my own bread. I can't fit this loaf in. They're trying to jam it.

Sir, which way does the loaf go in to the toaster? The date he didn't mention was knives were invented in 1937. Right, so you had to rip your bread apart. You needed a tiger's tongue. Jeremy's scared of my confidence. I'm going with the phantophobia as the fear of dying while pooping that's not a thing defa finessa i'd say it again what is it l defa thanatophobia no it's pronounced liar nope no i mean he he sold me i think the tiger's the tiger i'm in on the tiger one tiger's the lie

yeah go for it oh j, Jason. Oh, yes. You got another one right. And you did absolutely see right through it when I pronounced that with confidence. Yes. Oh, man. Jason had his chance. It's up to you. It's up to you, Jason.

Let's go. For the record, thanatophobia is the fear of dying. I just added the defa and made it die. You rascal. By the way, there is one way to disrupt Jason's momentum. No, don't play any tracks with water. That is illegal, out of bounds. Come on, Al.

This is the lowest brow show we've ever done. I don't know about that. You mean right after the natophobia and then the science okay uh we have to rename the lack of science all right welcome bring it on welcome to the poop and pee podcast all right round three cows moose rhinos and horses can sleep standing up but cannot dream unless they lie down wow that is that's a ridiculous fact man a ridiculous fact no that like well now what did you dream about last night they can tell a thing it's uh what the brain they could probably put that in the brain thing the brain activity you

know the rim the rimmy rims you You look at the movement behind the eyelids. There you go. Number two, there's a competitive sport that combines juggling and jogging. It's called juggling? Juggling. Oh, man. People have invented so many sports. That has to be true or I'm going to be sad.

Oh, yeah. I want to watch juggling. Juggling. Wow. All right. or I'm going to be sad. Oh, yeah. I want to watch Joggling. Joggling. Wow. All right. Number three. Due to the pheromones produced in sweat, men who went on a first date directly after the gym without showering had a 72% increase in chances

at a second date, according to a 2015 study. This study is done by that clown in the hat. Who doesn't want to shower? Oh, man. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Okay.

I'm going first because I've been seeing right through it and this one's tough this one is not clear to me but i think that i'm going last because i just i was about to go with the joggling joggling was going to be the lie but then he would have had two lies in a row that would have been one word he created he created that he would never do that so joggling has to be true i'm still thinking you two talk i the cows moose rhinos and horses i know horses can sleep standing up this whole hogwash that somebody spent their scientific efforts to figure out whether they dream standing or lying down bothers me but as opposed to finding out how your date went after the gym that's true both are scientific ridiculous statements do you guys know

of um and i guess i could throw this to al borland because this is a reference to a buddy of ours uh he was very very uh uh excited about there there was a men's perfume, so a cologne, whatever, that was supposedly, it supposedly contained pheromones in it, so that the, it may just smell good, but it also had those secret pheromones.

60% of the time, it works every time. Do you remember this owl? I do, do yeah i can't remember the name but it was bad i think that that one's a i think that that one's true and i think i think both of the studies are true both of the studies are true because of studies too many i don't like where you i don't like where you're going because then you're saying joguggling is not true. Then I'm saying juggling is a lie. Final answer.

Okay. Mike, where are you going? Oh, man. If there's any dead air, you can always play the P sound, by the way. They can sleep standing up. by the way if there's any dead air up i've i've i thought i had heard that they don't actually like the idea of cow tipping is not really real because cows actually sleep laying down they don't stand up and you could tip them over seems like a weird thing to make up look nate bargazzi told me that horses sleep lying down but i'm sure they could sleep standing

up as well can you sleep standing up no that's a lie you don't have four legs i was gonna say on all fours can you fall asleep and let me tell you this let me tell you this now i understand if if the last one due to the pheromones produces sweat men who went on a first date directly after the gym without showering had a 72% increase of chances at a second date. Now, here's where this one is the lie. It's not due to the pheromones producing sweat. It's due to the fact that this man works out and goes to the gym. Okay, the person that goes to the gym has a better increased chances of a second date.

The science is wrong. So both of these are lies, but I'm going to assume that one was not Intended to be a lie, I'm going to find out The answer, cows, moose, rhinos, and horses Can sleep standing up, but can't train unless they lie And I'll add into that Like, what level of And like, it's a Proof of fact that confidence

Like, it's attractive When you can feel that someone is a Confident person, and you are drawn to them Like, what level of Confidence do you have as a you can feel that someone is a confident person and you are drawn to them. What level of confidence do you have as a person that you go work out, get real sweaty and you're like, I'm ready for my date.

You are confident and smelly. You are a confident person. I just came from the gym. I think juggling is a lie. Jason thinks the first one is a lie. For his chance at beating Al. Mike, you got to weigh in. The score is 0-2.

Either Jason goes 3-0 or you can beat me, Mike. You could get a win. I think it's the cows, moose, rhinos. That doesn't speak well for Jason's chances.

Jason, I cannot believe that you are still unable to beat me. Oh, my gosh. You got him. Jerk. You monster. I'm flexing over here. You were flexing. The pheromones was the lie on that one.

Yeah. No. So good news. Joggling is a sport. That is good news. And I'm still undefeated. That is great news. Oh, man.

Al continues. I thought you got him, Jason. Jason felt like a master. Wow. All right. Congratulations, Al. I quit. I'm out.

Oh, thanks, Al. Thanks. You're pouring salt in the wounds here. I got to finish this glass so I can use it. Let's draft. Spitwads, I want to talk to you about Ritual today, supporting the show. We know Ritual. They're the multivitamin company that you know and that you trust.

But they also have protein powders and those can feel kind of intimidating. Got them no pain, no gain protein powders out there in the world. Look, the truth is deep down, cellular deep level I'm talking about. We all need protein. It's about more than just muscles. So the team of scientists over at Ritual, we're talking like the Harvard people, not where like Al Borland went to school. They reimagine protein from the ground up, inside out, how it's made, why it's needed, all of that. I love Ritual. My wife and I, we both have subscriptions to the multivitamins.

I've tried the protein powder. I just trust the company. I believe in the company. Made traceable, supports your daily health so you really need to check it out and it's got a good taste which is another thing with the protein powder is not always a good taste down there so why not shake up your ritual to make trying something new less

scary ritual is offering a money back guarantee and it so if you're not 100% in love with it they'll just give you your money back our listeners get 10% off during your first three months. Just visit ritual.com slash spitballers to add essential protein today. That's ritual.com slash spitballers. The Spitballers Draft. All right.

Today we are drafting things you wish you knew how to do. We talked about this. This would be kind of those aspirational skills, talents, abilities that you wish you yourself could do. People possess these skills, but you don't. self could do people possess these skills but you don't like for instance you could say uh i wish i knew how to beat owl every time at this game but that's not a real as that's magic i mean he's smarter than us no of course not means he's a filthy liar yeah more deceptive uh like jason could say i wish i had the ability to go to the bathroom any place anytime right in the middle of a show the worst part is I know how much joy

I brought Jeremy when I answered the wrong answer and I hate that I hate that I brought him happiness your face when you thought you had defeated him I can't wait to see the highlight like put that thing in slow-mo the transition it looked like your face was very flush it did

spectacular alright mike you have the first pick so you get a draft uh first your pick of every scalability thing that you wish you knew how to do what is it so there's a lot of places i've got the first pick so i have infinite places i could go but and some of the some of the things i wish i knew how to do they're not practical like there's not a ton of situations where you're like, in that one particular situation, it's going to be awesome that I know how to do it. But this is one of those things that I wish I could do. There are so many opportunities that come up. And you feel like a fool because you can't do it

i wish i read oh no sorry you've seen right through me jason jason he was gonna say read this is a moment oh man i'm so sorry i read with the best of them, I wish I could dance. Really? I desperately wish that I could dance. Okay. I like that pick. And I'm not just talking about weddings. No, break it down.

I mean, let's go. There's so many times where just like, oh, if I could bust off like a cool dance move right here, I would be legit. And it's like this extra level of pain for me because I'm a musician. So I actually have tremendous rhythm, but I do not have... Just not physically. I don't have cool coordination

when it comes to doing any kind of dance moves. I can play a drum set, but I cannot dance. I look stupid. I wish I could do it. I love the pick. And like I said to the spitwads at the top of the show, you're going to learn a little bit about us today on the draft.

Now, it's a great pick. I'm also a little jealous that you have so many opportunities in your life where being able to dance is just right there. It just comes up, man. Okay, Jason, you're on the clock. I know which one I want the most, and it's kind of a twofer, so we're going to have to debate whether I can

get it or not. But I'm going to hold off on that because I don't believe Andy will draft that. Don't cheat now, cheat later. As Mama said. As Mama always said, don't cheat now, cheat later. But one thing that I think... It's a twofer like kentucky and

kansas exactly exactly um i think andy has this on his list and he gets two picks you're playing smart here so i'm playing the game here i want desperate i wish so bad that i uh could write code specifically php oh man it's on my list. That is definitely on my list. We have over the course of our lives, we've built many companies, all tech companies, all web companies, apps and games. And through this process, we've always needed a great PHP programmer. And I can develop so much of the concept and the idea and you know

but i can't ever it's rough man it's it's like having rhythm but you can't dance exactly good point and so um i wish that i you're going coding programming yes i desperately wish i great pick i wish i could do it it's funny it was not on my list well but you talk about it all the time i know that you wish you could do that yeah but i've done enough of that type of world in my life now not php but like i've done web stuff my whole life so these choices that i have for my my picks are things that i have no familiarity of their universe it's stuff that i'm like all right you know you just wish you could you could do it so i have uh you have two picks i have two picks yeah that's what i'm thinking about here and trying to be

strategic too with uh what you guys will select i'm actually the first thing i'm gonna i'm gonna pick is probably gonna to blow your minds, but it's going to be sailing a boat. Oh, like a real sailboat. Oh, no, I like it. A sailboat. I could sail a boat. I want to go in the ocean with a boat and not die.

That is the goal. And people do that. I like that. I like that pick. We've been watching Vikings in our house. And in the beginning of this series, this is the... Kirk Cousins and Dalvin Cook. This is the beginning of the Vikings sailing west.

And they have to build a boat that can go across this sea. They've never really gone that way, that exploring. And when they did that, all I could think about was like, man, the sail. How did you do that? Yes, exactly. How do you sail? Where's the engine? You could do it with a bunch of people with oars at least, but a sail? I think it would be so

cool to do that. And people do this. It's a real thing. I've always been so fascinated by the open ocean and sailing. Even the deadliest catch like being a fisherman out on those boats like being out in the middle of the water would be really cool look i'm not gonna lie to you i'd rather have a yacht you know but a sailboat would be pretty cool it feels like i could buy a yacht and probably not die in the ocean today but i because you're not the one

driving that's what i mean yeah but a sailboat i would be responsible but anyway sail a boat i'm gonna go that way all right and then the second the second pick is very tough because i know what i want my number two pick to be so you should probably take it with that's a good idea but i know for a fact that neither of you will take it idea but i know for a fact that neither of you will take it oh so i can wait on yodeling so i guess i'm gonna go with another one in the same vein i wish that i knew how to fly a fighter jet jet fighter is on my list that would be so freaking cool to break the sound barrier and not again something that i could not do without immediately dying right now so that those are my fighter is it's the closest it's the closest we will ever get to actually flying because those things are going

so fast it would be pretty incredible to be able to do that. Honestly, I wish I could just be a co-pilot in a fighter jet because I know what... Just put them on missiles? Mike's on missiles? No, I'm talking about just being conscious and not vomiting all over myself. I know what's going to happen. If I go do one of those ride-alongs that they give people sometimes in a fire jet, it's done. Which of us goes out quicker? I know it's all within five seconds. Mike's number one.

You're going out. You're going down. I'm out immediately, man. Before the takeoff, Mike is done. I don't go down. I'm blanking out. Jason probably lasts the longest. Yeah.

I mean, I have the most mass, so I don't know if that causes that probably doesn't help you in that situation um all right so i'm on the clock you're on the clock and we'll hopefully you will not take my other pick we'll see all right so this is the one that i said is kind of a twofer but it's a twofer in the way that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is two you know it's two different ingredients these go together and i'd be ready al be ready for a ruling here be ready al but i think it counts i wish i knew how to stick to diet and exercise so it's like it's kind of a twofer but they go together that's really what i want i don't want one without the other i want to know willpower willpower is i was gonna say i feel like you already know how to diet and exercise that one is not

like a hidden skill after years of i wish i knew how to starting red well because it's right it is willpower like i'm i'm drafting willpower but i wish i knew how to stick to it what you know what are the things because i yeah i I, but that's a genuine thing. I wish I knew how to stick to diet and exercise. All right. All right. We can make diet and exercise the answer. I think that's the right way to do it.

Okay. Mike, you got two picks. Oh, man. All right. I'm reading coding and diet and exercise. Both things that are well within, like, the rest of your life, you can do both of those. I promise I will not sail a boat or fly a jet. Mike, you're up.

You can start one of those today, Jason. I promise I won't PHP program or diet and exercise. I promise. So we're even. All right. Mike needs to learn how to dance. That's number one. And now picks two and three.

I am very excited. I mean, coding was on my list. It wasn't my number two, but it probably would have been my number three pick here. So I'm a little upset you took that. I love Andy's picks. Both of them are things I wish I knew how to do. But like I said, my list is boring and very practical.

And we often put this man on a pedestal for these things, so this is your time to shine, Al Borland. I wish I could fix crap. I wish. Like a handyman? I wish I just had a knowledge of fixing stuff. You're not an expert at anything, but something breaks. Someone punches a hole in your wall.

Like, Owl Borland, if someone punched a hole in your drywall, could you fix that? Yes. That's incredible. You're a magician. If your garbage disposal wasn't turning on and it wasn't simply because it was unplugged, could you fix that? Yes. This is what I'm talking about, people. I wish I could fix stuff.

Okay, fix things. Wish I could fix stuff. Is that what you want? Like handyman or fix? I wish I could fix things. Well, I don't know how we want to word it, but handyman is fine. Handyman kind of explains it. Okay.

And the other one. So what will come back to me? I think there's one that I really, really so what will come back to me? I think there's one that I really, really want that would come back to me. So my next one, another real boring but real practical, I wish I could draw. Okay. Oh, that's good. That should be on my list. I have little to, like, I feel very confident, again,

in my artistic ability as a musician when it comes to sound and making music. My artistic ability when it comes to drawing is I learned how to draw a specific cartoon character, I think, in third grade. I'm still drawing that guy to this day. That's how much my drawing skill has expanded. I'm starting to learn more about you. You're like the, you know how they say when you lose one of your senses, the other ones are amplified? I feel like because you're such a good musician, somehow you miss the dancing and then you

miss the drawing creativity. I don't understand how people draw things at scale. I don't know how people that shade things, they are wizards scale i don't know how you like people that shade things like they're with they are wizards i don't know i can't visualize in my mind as well as people can draw it out on paper like i can't even see it in my head yeah that's my i can't either i have no idea you know that show nailed it on netflix Yes. Where they get the beautifully made cake and all three people have to make a cake in like 10 minutes. I feel like it would be funny to have an object that all three of us had to draw and we had

five minutes to draw it and then you show it to the camera. That would be a funny thing to do. It would be funny for everyone else. It would not be funny for my self-esteem. That's true. That's true. All right, Jason, you are back on the clock. I can tell you're thinking long and hard about that P as well as this pick.

Well, I wish I knew how to go to the restroom before. No, I'm see, I've got one thing on my list. I'm going to cross it out right now because this doesn't really apply. This is more like I wish I could do it than new. I wish I wish I could dunk. That's on my list. But that's more of like a we that's my me and he brought that exact example before the discussion before you showed up I'm like we need to nail down what

this means because Jason's gonna be over here being like I wish I could dunk I wish I could fly that's exactly I mean I verbatim no I wouldn't have gone like flying but like I that's one of those wishes I always wish I could dunk too man man, but it's never, ever going to happen. But it could have happened. But that's a little different because your body and you're like- Yeah, it's not happening now. Now it's a genie wish. But anyway, go on.

He was correcting himself. He was going a different direction. No, no, no. He was putting his foot in the water. No, no, no. I was not. We would allow it to happen. I see through you.

I crossed it out. I really did because i i recognized that that wasn't what we were doing he's gonna go as a home run once he learns how to diet and exercise could he then learn how to dunk uh jason it's not like a me know the dunk is not like it's not it's not a long process for people it's not that you don't go to school to learn how to dunk. You know what I mean? Throw your hands back and then up.

You're just big and you dunk. Yeah. It's more athletic. Yeah. All right. So I'm going to go with something that I think is really cool. It would open me up to international travel. It would make me look so smart at every party that I would break it up.

Oh, that's a great one. I wish I could speak multiple languages. That's on it up. Oh, that's a great one. I wish I could speak multiple languages. That's on the list, man. That's a great one. That's just such a – Not on my list, and I'm dumb. Nobody – you just – if you can speak five languages, you're not dumb. Like, flat out, you are clearly an intelligent person,

and so I wish I was an intelligent person. I've always know i wish i was an intelligent i've always had that thought of of how cool it'd be when you know when you hear other people speak a foreign language to each other then you all of a sudden surprising that you understood what they said yeah that moment yeah i've seen braveheart yeah like that and like a translator how fast is your brain operating that you are inputting this language going, and then translating it, bringing in all the context, bringing in all the grammar. That is insanity that people's brains can do that. I like that pick.

It was definitely on my list. Great pick. I guess I have to finish my draft out. I want to learn how to sail a boat. I want to be able to fly a fighter jet. Here's helicopter. I've got two more. Submarine, Mike. I want to learn how to sail a boat. I want to be able to fly a fighter jet. Here's helicopter. I've got two more that are- Submarine, Mike. He's gone up, he's on the water, he's got to go under.

One beneath the water. I'm going to go with the first one. I've always wished I had committed myself to this as a young man. I know it's achievable, but it's a lot harder in your late 30s to begin. I want to be a master at piano. Oh, okay. I was thinking something very different. A master pianist. Piano player, yeah. A piano player would just be so cool. I've always loved fiddling on the piano. And to be able to just... It's almost like you guys talked about programming and being able to... You think it. I feel like I have musical stuff in my brain, but I can't bring it out of the fingers. And I wish I could do that.

And then my last one, which is different than Mike's handyman skills. I wish I could be a craftsman. Is that, that's a different answer. Like I want to be able to, to be able to like be a carpenter, for example, and work with my hands and build,

build things. I had woodworking on my, I had woodworking on my list, but I felt like that was different enough. Craftsman. I just mean like basically like, like a, like a carpenter,

like being able to carpenter to build with my hands as opposed to, you know. Yeah, for sure. Paying somebody to do it. I had... Paying Al Borland to do it. That crosses one of the things off my list of learning how to build structures. Yeah.

That would be cool. If I could build a tree house, if I could build a shed or a barn. I mean, I wouldn't do it, but like, it'd be cool to know how. Yeah. Being a craftsman basically of some sort, whether that's building a house or building a chair, building a table,

anything like that. Okay. So I'm, I'm running, I'm running low on my list here. And so I'm actually going to list that contains diet and exercise. Right. Um, in some ways, this is like Jason's fulfilled as a human.

This is a compliment to Jason in some ways. It really is. I mean, you're feeling good. I am feeling good. But you want to know something. So there's only two things that I think here. I'm going to cross one off. It's like dunking.

I wish I knew how to golf. But that's not really a knowledge-based thing. It's just I suck at golfing. So I'm going to cross one off. It's like dunking. I wish I knew how to golf, but that's not really a knowledge-based thing. It's just I suck at golfing, so I'm going to cross that off, but I wish so bad that I was a good golfer. We really need to golf. As we get older and we're in Arizona where golfing happens, but I hate golfing. That's cool, Andy.

Because I suck at it. I'm 100% with you, Andy. If only they allowed foursomes on the golf course. Well, we don't want liars with us. He's not on the Zoom call right now. I can't see him, so he didn't exist. Just pull the rando in. Oh, my gosh.

I am rather fulfilled in my life. There's not an exhaustive list of things i just wish i knew how to do but one thing that i wish i could do so regularly it's almost at least once a week right now so i'm gonna put it out there i wish i could scat because because i am always every time i've got the first pick, I am dreading that episode because I hate to have the scat. I wish I could scat. Oh, my goodness. It's a super important, probably the most important on all of our lists here.

But man. I'll tell you, honestly, the number one rule of scat is you got to be feeling it. It's feeling it. It's feeling it it's feeling it like your your problem is you start thinking about it and now you're in the think zone you're not in the feel zone music is that's a classic uh art versus uh logic type of thing right uh this would be fun though if you guys have other ones jason said he was out but i had a few others written down that might be interesting wait mike should finish his draft as well.

I thought we were done, my bad. Maybe Mike wants to hear your list. I was just thrown out of the golf course. I don't get to finish my draft. Whoops. All right, Mike's pick. It's his turn to pick. All right, so on my list of things that I really wish I could do is blacksmithing,

but I'm not going to go with it. It's very, very similar to Andy's carpenter. That's a cool pick, though. I freaking wish I could do metalwork. I wish I had more. How do I phrase it? Because I'm not wishing I was a doctor. I don't want to be a doctor, i wish i had more medical information like how do you phrase that like i because like i had

to go with like doctor yeah you wish you had a medical doctor to make medical i'm not trying to like i don't want to be that profession but i have uh i we have several friends who i've i've my cousin's a firefighter but like a paramedic firefighter. His wife is a nurse. So whenever something goes bad in the Wright household, we call them. And we're like, hey, here's the symptoms. What do we do? And I wish I didn't have to call somebody to know that symptom X, symptoms Y.

Do I need to go to the hospital right now? They're like, no, you're good. Or like, no, you need to, that's something you should actually really take care of right now. So you wish you had peace of mind. I wish I had peace of mind. Yeah. No, that's legit. Like, I wish I had peace of mind with medical information.

Yeah, that's not bad. But I don't know how to, I guess being a doctor. Yeah, or medical professional or medical knowledge, something like that. Yeah, proficiency. Yeah, medical proficiency, sure. Do you want to go golfing, Al? I'd love to. I wish I could golf and dunk so bad.

That's my big takeaway from here. What I learned about myself is I wish I could golf and dunk and do other things that have nothing to do with knowledge. I could golf and dunk and do other things that have nothing to do with knowledge. Jason's just walking around physically fit, scatting all over the place, dunking, hitting the golf ball. Yeah.

I guess not scatting all over the place. I had some other, uh, I did have, um, rebuilding cars. I thought that would be cool to be able to do. Mechanic. Yeah.

No, mechanic work is, is legit. I wanted that. Like I had the, like be able to fix up cars or work on cars, but then I feel like that's so old busted because an oil change is like,

what is this, a combustion engine? Yeah, but if you can rebuild. The instrument I can't play that I wish I could play, I wish I could play the cello. You know what's funny is I had on my list that I wish I could play all instruments, and Andy picked one. Yeah, because I feel like going with all instruments, that's being a little bit greedy. Well, I did take both diet and exercise.

That's okay. You can have both and we we actually we we hope you you were able to achieve that goal dude you know that we're always rooting for you oh thanks man i uh i also thought about being i thought being a theater performer like being able to sing on stage like do i thought that would be something cool to be able to do as well now you guys have anything else you want to add uh let's see jet fighter no i mean my stuff that i really want to do was i either took it or you guys took it we should probably all take the diet and exercise one to be honest that'd be pretty helpful all right let's figure out what else we learned today.

What did we learn today? I learned that ducks should not eat yeast. Oh, that is true. That's for sure. Not good for the tum-tum. I learned that Kentucky is Kansas, plain and simple. Oh, and it's not – I mean, we already knew it, but I think after what happened in round three, we have, it's confirmed.

Al Borland is the king of liars. He's a sociopath. He's a sociopath. All right, that'll do it for today's Spitballers episode. Thank you for tuning in. Follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Until next time.

Stay safe out there. We will see you next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.