Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Jason's Near Death Experience & Father Fashion Statements - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

Spit Hit for April 20th, 2023: Do NOT miss this episode! Jason tells a story of a real-life situation he found himself in this past weekend that was straight out of his worst nightmare. We also talk about animals that fight back, finishing other people’s sentences, and punching through paper. We close it down with a draft of the most “dad” clothing items.  Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's spit hit, Jason tells a classic story. Look, who doesn't like a real-life story? Well, you've got to check this one out that Jason tells straight out of nightmares. We talk about animals that fight back, finishing other people's sentences, and, of course, we draft the most dad clothing items. Tell your friends about the podcast. Come on. You have friends.

You have family. Tell them about the Spitballers comedy podcast. I'll wait. I'll wait. Okay. Now enjoy the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. All I want to do is a zoom, zoom, and a boom, boom. Okay.

All right. Welcome in. Now I need a saxophone. I like that. I mean, it's good. It's not like it was missing a zoom, but it was good. It's true. You're right.

Oh, shoot. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. I missed it. It's not just a zoom. It's a zoom, a zoom, zoom. Yeah.

Zoom, a zoom, zoom. Boom. I had only so much time and only so many beats to fit in my... Yeah, the beats were still a little bit... It's very restrictive. Hey, it's a tough place to be with the scat. You think you could do it better? No, you only get one shot.

Welcome in to the Spitballers. Al Borland is here. What's up, Spitwads? Oh. Oh, well, someone was ready for their big introduction. Yeah, they were. Figure was on the button. I'm ready.

Is the judge here, too? Hey-o. All right. All right. Well, now we're in good hands. Would you rather Situation Room, a fun draft on today's episode of the show? You can check out the website, SpitballersPod.com. Learn how you can support the show. You can check out the website spitballerspod.com. Learn how you can support the show. Keep it going. Big news. Big news. Huge announcement.

Jason is still alive. Oh yeah, that's good. It's easy to be alive to be alive when you don't spend a lot of your weekend on the side of a highway um but i did spend a lot of my week you did i did um i had not one but two um can i call them near-death experiences you can definitely call them incidents for you for for me right because i don't usually get out of the house or do things that put any kind of danger in but i'm driving up north and and here's the best part um I thought you know what I'm gonna take my boys I'll take my it's night I'm going up north to a cabin yeah oh you know what I'll take my dogs oh what a dog dad yeah I'm gonna I got my dogs I got my boys we're gonna go up now what a night at a cabin okay let's let's set the color in the lines a

little bit please yeah I think Mike we're thinking the same thing. People think of Arizona, it's this desertous landscape, right? You got the Valley of the Sun. Mostly accurate. All factual. But if you drive northward, maybe you've heard of the city Flagstaff, Arizona. There are pine trees and there are cabins and there's cool weather. There's hippies everywhere.

There's a mountain. Yeah, you go up a- A mountain. Well, there's Yeah, you go up a mountain. Well, there's mountains. You go up a mountain to get there. I mean, it's not treacherous, but it's an elevation. You go up to about a mile high. Yeah, take that, Denver.

And Jason's like, look. Wait, is it really that high? It really is. I've thought about that. Why don't we get credit for a mile high city? Wait, Denver's over here flexing. We got the mile-high stadium. Meanwhile, we're over here. We have the Death Valley-ish area.

Not the real Death Valley, but a ridiculous valley. But just two hours to the north, you go up the mountain. Flagstaff's at 7,000 feet almost. And where's Denver? Where is Denver? Oh, Denver. You better be eight. They better.

You better be 8,000. 5,200. Oh, Denver. You lying. No, no, no, no. The reason why is because it's exactly 5,280. It's exactly a mile high. It's not the fact that they're just really high.

It's that they're exactly a mile high. It's not the fact that they're just really high. It's that they're exactly a mile high. Well, okay. Yeah. They were the first. Nice. That's good. But yeah, I guess they're big on being exactly 5,280. But I do not care.

If you are out here saying, we're the mile high city. We get higher in Flagstaff. You are insinuating that you are above. Oh, yeah. Literally above everyone. You are literally elevated above other cities. Meanwhile, you're just barely at a mile? We are.

Unbelievable. We've got the fancy footballers. We are in the football world. You hear all the time, oh, they're going to have to practice for the elevation. Oh, the elevation. They're going to run at it. They can kick the ball farther. You're not even that high.

Arizona's got you beat Denver. This is not the story you were telling. No. This is now the story. This is the story nobody wants to talk about, but we'll do it. The mainstream media refuses to talk about how regularly high Denver is. Yeah. So anyways, I'm driving up.

Jason's going up towards 7,000 feet. Yes, I'm going up to way higher than my high city. Which is clearly dangerous. And on the way, of course we decide to leave at night. It's pitch black. What time did you leave? 8.30 at night. What?

Problem number one. It's bad decision-making 101, but it still happened. And I'm thinking, like, what's going to happen? I'm going to go up there. I'm going to lay my boys to sleep. You know what I mean? Just that way we get the drive out of the way. That was the goal.

Tomorrow we wake up and we get a full day. And, of course, I get a flat tire. Oh, nightmare. Okay. This is a two-lane highway going up a mountain. There is not room for, you know, I'm not setting up a tent over here. This, I am. This ain't flat tire zone.

No, you're not changing a tire. You're not changing a tire on the side of a mountain where you have you have nowhere to pull over it's pitch black i have no cell service i have no it's probably because you're so elevated i'm way higher than the cell phones can go and so here i am ready to like i'm like what do i do what like i can leave my boys. I didn't bring leashes for my dogs because I'm an idiot. I can't get the dogs out of the car. I'm on the side of this pitch black road. So I had to leave the car and go call, like go find cell service,

but it's Arizona. So it's outside. It's probably, it's a sweltering 90 plus degrees because even at night, still it's, it's still warm. It was freezing. So much wind.

And I think it was like 40 degrees because we're so much higher than Denver. Let me guess. Shorts and flippy flops? Shorts and flip flops, yes. But I knew I was going to the cold, so I brought a jacket with me. Now, that jacket was on the passenger seat. But if I walk back to the car i'm on hold for like 10-15 minutes trying to get service so if i walk back to the car to get my jacket i lose the

call so i have to be here you're starting over yeah so anyways that took all night all weekend we finally got back down to safety we get back up to the cabin we're driving home at night at night you didn't learn your lesson the first time well i mean we wanted to make the most of our cabin and we've got two cars my wife is in front of us and he's just shaking his head and he's so life choice i'm just so amazed because this doesn't feel real the second story is even where it gets good i was about to say the first story sucks compared to the second story so i'm driving back down which is you know i was very high and um my wife's van was right in front of me she had my daughter and i'm driving and all of a sudden I said her daughter as well right yes

she had she had my daughter I had her boys um and I see her jerk the car to the side of the road like like like crazy and I was like whoa so I get I pulled behind her and then it was like there's a 10 10 000 bees inside that my daughter goes out the right my wife goes out the left and they're like patting themselves. So they pull off to the side of the road. Yes, they pull off to the side of the road. And they are going. There is clearly some sort of.

Is this like, was that Tommy Boy? Or Black Sheep? It was Black Sheep. Whatever. Same movie. Same difference. But they're pulled over by an officer. There's bees everywhere.

And to avoid getting a ticket. Because you can't blame someone for doing that. Save yourself. That was great. That was a great moment. So anyways, it turns out it was a gigantic spider. I'm not talking no run of the mill. Unbelievable. Any other animal.

Anything. If there had been a thousand bees, I could have come and done something to save it. But here we are on the side of the highway. I can't do anything. I'm super arachnophobic. I'm looking at this monster. This just creature from the depths of hell. I want to know how big this thing really was.

Has any of us actually seen it? Did you take pictures? Oh, why would I do that? Then I to know how big this thing really was. Has any of us actually seen it? Did you take pictures? Why would I do that? Then I don't believe that this thing was big. My wife couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. We were... It's a cricket. This whole thing's been a cricket. So I didn't realize

your wife is also as bad as you. I didn't realize that either, that she was that bad. But I was so mad at myself because here we are real quick just for if you're new I mean there's 200 shows maybe not everybody knows Jason is the biggest arachnophobia

victim in the land like he's truly really watch spiders if you really want proof of it it's the fact that here we are on the side of the road with my family in a dangerous position, and I couldn't do anything. I was so embarrassed with myself.

I was so disappointed that I can't step up. I was telling myself, it's a bug. I'm a 275 pound man. It's a bug. I can go get it. and I couldn't do it. We're like, what do we do? Do we call the police? Do we leave in front of traffic?

Do we call roadside assistance? Do we just burn the van and say we're a one-car family now? I don't know. But so what do we do? We called Al Borland. Yeah, that's a solution to a lot of problems, i don't i don't i mean he's the he's the bat phone for jason yeah really thank you um and and man owl came no but hold on hold on this is part of the story that i've not heard owl yeah that phone call in your words in your experience

tell us that part of the story because that is missing he was in full hysterics i can confirm that jason was terrified and and so i asked him i said i was about 40 minutes away though and i said do you want me to you want me to come i just dropped my family off at a restaurant i'll i'll leave them here and i'll get to you but it'll take me 35 minutes if I'm flying. And he goes, I don't know what's going to happen. The spider will probably be gone by then. Don't worry about it.

Click. And just hangs up. He hung up on you? Yeah. Well, because if it's going to take him that long, if the spider crawls anywhere, we're just completely out of luck. What if the spider crawls down, and we don't see where it goes? out of luck like we're you know what if the spider crawls down okay we don't see where it goes so with both of you being scared who was who was the guard who made sure the spider did not move my

wife was the eyes on the spider okay so someone someone was tracking the spider jason was repelling down the mountain yes i had left my family He hitchhiked with a random stranger. Was looking at the trees. Can I build a house here? So eventually Jeremy calls back. We've done nothing. I called Tiffany. Yes.

And this is after 10 minutes. Oh, you went over the top. Yeah, because I was texting Jason and he wasn't responding. I was like, I could tell this guy was in need of help. You called the boss. Yeah. You went over management. I said, tell me real. Do I need to get in my car and come? called the boss yeah you went over management i said tell me tell me real do i need to get my car and come and she goes you need to get in your car and

come so he does he's flying down the freeway uh officers he was not going 93 miles an hour this was an emergency was though and he's almost to us this is 30 minutes later and it let okay let's color in the other part of the story. So at this point, our group chat, we have a group Slack for our company. All of a sudden, this story just starts being talked about in our company Slack. And it's a Sunday night. I couldn't believe it was live. And I'm in the bathroom. I'm on my phone. It's like, it's a Sunday night. I couldn't believe it was live. And I'm just, I'm in the bathroom, you know, like I'm on my phone.

It's like, oh, it's, oh, this is funny. Wait a minute. This is, this is a real, this is a real actual live story that is breaking right now. Yeah. And so we're getting the details we're hearing from, uh, from, from all sorts of different sources and everyone start, everyone from the company starts chiming in about this cannot be a real thing that is happening, and Jason is just terrified.

It was. I'm telling you guys, it was the size of my palm. It was the full palm. It was the biggest, nastiest, gnarliest spider I've seen outside of a tarantula in my life. So for context, if a spider is the size of your palm, biggest nastiest gnarliest spider i've seen now outside of a tarantula in my life so but so for context if if the spider is the size of your palm i'm telling and you legs go okay but i'm saying if you were to slap the spider with your palm that would mean that the spider would die

is that correct or the shoe that would mean i would die but so anyways um to wrap this up here yeah uh so okay so i was on his way my family's sitting at a restaurant by themselves he's abandoned this family and he's about eight minutes away i'm on the phone with how did your wife feel about this what did she have to say when you said she knows jason she goes go. Yeah. She knew I was in need. Cheers to that. While he's almost there, a truck pulls up behind our two cars. And you hadn't called anybody else. Oh, no. I hadn't called anybody.

And because there's two cars there, everybody assumes someone's already stopped for help. But no. Now the good Samaritan shows up. And as soon as they show up, my initial thought was, oh, no. Now I have to tell somebody. I have to tell somebody the reason we're stuck on the side of the road. This guy comes up. He's like, did you get a flat tire?

I'm like, no. It's a spider. And this man was a man, and he got out of his large truck and he went over there and he grabbed this spider with his hand and took it out of the car and i proceeded to give him all the money i had on me and said thank you and then jeremy just had to drive back 40 minutes to his family you did nothing jeremy no hero for you i was so angry with that man that was my kill i had dibs unbelievable and i'm alive and i'm here and it's all in one weekend also uh psa because maybe it's been a while since i've said this uh should you uh follow me on social media and you're

like oh look at this funny spider picture or story or whatever yo get blocked um are you gonna start bringing uh bug spray in your car true story we talked about like how do we avoid this in the future and i tell me if this is a good idea or a bad idea oh no i thought to myself when we park up at the cabin can i get bug spray and spray it around the car like make a like a like that's not gonna help circle that will not help no no so i gotta spray the inside of the car you do or close the windows well it wasn't just open for the taking oh oh my gosh anyways i survived uh that was quite the introduction i mean it was just unbelievable because you couldn't have written a script like anybody else that story is insane

okay I gotta go back except for you hate spiders I gotta go back man pulls up to you kind of just sped this conversation up he says do you have a flat tire yeah how did you exactly

and you say well no there's actually a really big spider, and we have a problem with spiders. And the man says to that comment, what? I believe we set him up. First of all, I said, there's a spider. It's really big, and I'm an arachnophobic, so we just can't do anything about it. And then then i think my wife asked him are you afraid of spiders to which he then said spider no i'm not afraid of spiders and so i was like heck yeah you're up um you're up and he just

i mean this john stone john stone that's right i his name. Did you ask what he's actually afraid of? Nothing. This man is afraid of... He's not afraid of death. And to be clear, he grabbed it with his bare hand. Yes. He just went in and knocked it out with his bare hand, with his man hand. My hands are so...

They're too soft. Spiders will eat right through these hands. They're too soft. They're too moisturized. i lotioned on the red all right let's let's uh start the show now all right would you rather would you rather wriggles from patreon says would you rather be stung by a bee daily, sprayed by a skunk weekly, or quilled by a porcupine monthly. Ooh. Oh, my.

I have. I've never done any of these three. Have you? Oh, I was going to say, me and you are the two people on earth that have never been stung by a bee. Yeah. Make it three. Really?

You have never been stung? I have never been stung by a bee. It's one of my proudest accomplishments. My son was stung at your house a little while back. He was stung the other day in the yard. He's been stung like four times. Now, the way that Jason feels about spiders. That's how you feel about bees?

Most of my life, I've really tried to look inside myself and not be a little baby boy in front of bees in front of my children. So that they don't pass it on. Which Jason has completely passed on. Oh, yeah. My whole family. So, yeah, I don't keep the cycle going. I have gotten better.

I do not like them, but I've made some strides when it comes to bees. I've moved to a place where I'm good with them. Because I feel like- So you can just do a, oh, here's a bee. I'm chill around them. Because I feel like if you're chill around bees, I've seen these beekeepers. Oh, it's true. The beekeepers just, they walk up to a hive.

I've got a friend who moved to the Midwest, became a beekeeper. He's always posting Instagram videos. He never puts protective gear on. He goes in and takes these hives out of places. That's crazy. Is his name John Stone? Yeah, no, like this is the... Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm serious. You have a friend. Yeah. They moved. Did they move with intentions of being... None at all. Okay, so they get to said location. Yes.

And, okay. They found a new passion. Did they move for work yeah i believe so yeah so they move for a different job yeah and somewhere along the way they said you know what we need to do be beekeepers yes that is fascinating and he sells honey and all that stuff so it's fascinating yeah so he started his own business where do you get the bees? Well, no, the bees come to you. You just get flowers, and you're good to go, man. People call you all the time because they have bees that get stuck in their house or

their trees, and they get the bees. It's like free bees. Except you probably get paid for it. You do get paid for it. You get paid to get your workers? Yes. What? You get paid to get free bees.

I've never been... Have you been stung, Al? I have, yes. Yeah. Were you allergic? No. Does it hurt a lot? Scale of one to ten.

Four. And does it last? Three. Does it last? I'll go three. Okay, three. It lasts for a few minutes. My son had a big welt for the next two days.

Oh, yeah. That's like an allergy. So I'm curious. Like the one that's. I'm convinced I would die. Oh, for sure you would. there's a full my girl situation yeah i'm not i'm not afraid it's so funny because like bees actually hurt people right most spiders don't hurt people at all right bees are flying weapons and you cannot figure out where they are going to go because they don't know where they're gonna go see that the comforting thing is when a bee stings you it commits suicide right so to me it's like it's making a video that can

stop the planes in world war ii man oh my goodness gracious they knew what they were doing somebody checked that man's cup over there um good good how do i pull back from that? Well, I had a question regarding this question, which is, I would assume that the worst one here is the skunk. No. It's not painful. It just smells. But you can't just wipe it off. What? A tomato bath? You never heard that?

I think that's true. That's not a thing. That is 100% a thing. If you get sprayed by a skunk, you have to fill a tub with tomato sauce. It's something about the acids or something. That's so much tomato sauce. I know. It's a very expensive thing.

I mean, you'd have to have a whole tomato farm. Oh, it's a myth? Oh, no. That's not a myth. That's real. Oh, a bunch of people did it for no reason? That's real. Do you know how much they spent on tomato sauce?

It's Big Tomato Juice that did this. Big Tomato? Genius. Those Big Tomato people. They got us again. Big Tomato was like living in a, they were born in an era where skunks were running wild. And no one actually likes tomato juice. All you have to do is take a regular bath and you're fine.

Well, no, because. They're like, no no make it tomato i'm pretty sure that a regular a regular bath doesn't like actually remove the smell but i'll bet you you take a tomato bath and you don't smell the skunk anymore you only could smell oh is that tomato don't take this the wrong way but but you take a bath in tomato sauce. So this begs the question, work or pain? Because if you get skunked, you've got a long period of time to clean off once a week. If you get stung by a bee, it's probably just a little bit of pain. Now, the quill is out. I'm not getting quilled by a porcupine once a month.

Yeah, but that's work and pain to get the quills out. That was my question. Do porcupine quills have any- Oh, Barb City. Do they have any venom or anything? No. I think it's just a point. Yeah, but they got barbs that are stuck in you.

Yeah, I'm not downplaying that that would really, really suck, but if it's only once a month and you got to pluck it out, porcupine quills can be very painful and introduce serious infection if not dealt with quickly and effectively. Grab the quill firmly near the tip and pull straight out quickly and steadily. This will minimize the risk of breaking off the tip. That means there is a risk of that barb staying in me. And then you get infected.

No, porcupine's out. Porcupine is out. I'm going to do the bee sting. I'm going to pretend like this is... Is that daily, though? Yeah. You son of a gun. That's every single morning you get out of bed and you step on a bee.

Well, I was thinking, like, you know, I grew up, I got allergy shots once a week. Okay, you deal with a little bit of pain. It puts a needle in you once a week. But daily? I'm taking this gunk. I'm going with the daily pain. I'm going to go with the quick ouch and get over it. I probably hit my toe.

I could get a shot every day. I get, you know, I stub my toe every day. So this is just twice. You stub your toe every day? Well, maybe not every day but i get hurt on you know probably more often than i should okay final answer mike i i think i'm taking the quills i'll risk it oh you psychopath i'll risk it how in the world would you take quills how many it will define how many quills just one just no it ain't no one quill it's quills oh it many? Do you know how many quills? Just one. No, it ain't no one quill. No, it's quills.

Oh. It's a porcupine. They don't just shoot one at you like a sniper porcupine. So is it random? It's gotta be 50 quills. No, it's not. Get out of here. No one ever gets 50 quills. That would be the suicide of the porcupine. The porcupine's gone now. The porcupine launches his

entire pelt at you? He's literally stuck to you. He's asking, could you please remove me? If it wouldn't be too much trouble, sir. It would not be abnormal at all to get 50 quills in you from a porcupine. What? Porcupines have, get this, 30,000 quills on them. What?

Yeah. Oh, my. You going to change your opinion, Mike? 50? 50. I've seen the video of the lion trying to eat the porcupine and getting quilled that's a cartoon no this was this was real this was real life and it was final answer you get 50 quills brother it was not 50

30 000 if you keep this like under 10 oh these pictures i pictures I'm seeing. No. No. No. Okay, then I guess I'm taking the B. All right. Eli from Patreon says, would you rather get 126 US dollars daily or the ability to see eight minutes into the future with the caveat that knowledge obtained in the future

cannot be used for financial gain? So it's just a party trick? Did you just make up this $126? Eli did. I guess Eli did, huh? Eli's coming. What can you use eight minutes into the future without the financial gain part?

I don't know. Does it make you invincible? Yeah, a little bit, right? Any harm that could come? Imagine a fight. Well, a fight, yeah, but I just mean even like a car wreck, right? You'd be able to avoid a car wreck.

Yes, you would. Eight minutes, for sure. Now, you wouldn't be able to avoid some forms of harm. Sure. That being said. Yeah, like total disasters. Or germs. You couldn't see germs eight minutes into the future.

We might be going a little too far here, but I believe that if you were to see eight minutes into the future, you are seeing whatever happens regardless of what you do. You're not changing it. You're seeing what happened. And then the reason the car accident happened is because you tried to avoid it. You made the U-turn. Yeah, does it reset every second?

I think you're... I need Al to defend it. When he said you can't use it for financial gain, I assumed you could use it for other things. There has to be some gain, right? Yeah. Otherwise, it's just seeing stuff. But what gain?

All I can think of is money. All right. I'm very greedy. We just got this superpower, right? We can see eight minutes into the future. What if I use... Some people unsubscribe from the podcast. What if I help my friends get money?

No, my God. No financial gain. I can't see a good use of this because every time you think of it, you're like, oh, I know what happens in the sports game. And then I'll bet it. I mean, really what you're doing is you're saying, I know what's going to happen in the sports game and watch how smart I am. You're going to tell your saying, I know what's going to happen in this sports game, and watch how smart I am. You're going to tell your friends.

Oh, it's a pride thing. I'll bet they do this play. I mean, I'd be a great TV broadcaster. Tony Romo gets credit for calling a couple plays. I'd be a genius. Got a question here. I'm sure you do. Your ability to see the future.

Okay. Is this like you're watching a screen? In your mind's eye? you're watching a screen like you're you're watching your mind's eye you're watching us yeah essentially you're watching a screen front but but it's your perspective so that so you see things moving on at eight minutes do you feel or do you or is it just you or it's almost like you're sitting on a couch watching this and then at any time you can sit down and watch eight minutes. Yeah, I think that's all it is. You're just – You see it happen?

If you want to look into the future, you just see it, like you're watching Netflix. Would this help you from overeating? Because you know how you'd feel eight minutes from now? But you're like, ooh, that looks good. That looks really – But you're like your real life would pause? Yeah.

And you're just watching? You would instantly know. Just in the blink of an eye, you could see what's going to happen in eight minutes. I guess, Mike, you're probably taking the financial gain that's built into the $126 a day. I mean, $126 a day is not bad. That's $30,000. I'll take that. I'll take $30,000 for free.

Okay. I'll take the money. I'm short-sighted. It feels like a parlor trick if you can't get money from seeing in the future. I'll take the money. I'm short-sighted. It feels like a parlor trick if you can't get money from seeing in the future. But then again, if you're telling me someone came up to me and said, hey, it's going to cost you $30,000.

Oh, yeah, for this power. And I will let you, anytime you want to see into the future eight minutes, you'll be able to. I don't know how I don't. $30,000 a year. Oh, okay. Yeah, but what if they broke it down and they said, for only $126 a day.

Yeah, give me the money. All right. It's funny because eight minutes into the future is not that much. No, you're not gaining some incredible insight upon humanity. A day into the future, maybe. But, I mean, you are absolutely right. Of like those snap, like quick disasters that happen, you would be able to avoid all of them. A hundred percent.

As long as you. That's not terrible. As long as you didn't have to – like if you always were aware of eight minutes into the future. Or if you just saw – you saw it, you're like, oh, no. That's what Jason was saying. Oh, no. If you can't change it, you know eight minutes before. Isn't that the whole thing with the sun?

Don't they say like the light you see from the sun is what? Like a certain amount of minutes six minutes or something it takes that much time to get here at the speed of light so i of course once i heard that i grew up thinking the sun could have exploded and you wouldn't find out for another six minutes eight and a half minutes old oh it's eight and a half okay does that do that mean if the sun exploded though that would actually be true you're asking the wrong guy i don't know the answer nothing can go faster than the speed of light right the answer is yes so that means even the effects of

an exploding sun if you blew it up now yes you're not feeling those effects any faster than the speed our light would not turn off for eight minutes but then would that be the same be melted would that be the same moment we would get like the aftershock of the sun yeah like if it was a super bomb yeah either the the sun engulfs the planet or we freeze because you would you would freeze almost instantly it would be just like being in space interesting all right uh should we move on or do we have time for another would you rather there let's do one more poop soup poop soup from the website well uh you you know what? I can't really judge any listener of this show for a poop-related name.

Would you rather have to always try to nonchalantly finish other people's sentences when they are halfway through them? Or nonchalantly... I see what you did there. Nice. Or nonchalantly mimic their actions while they are talking to you,

their hand movements, facial expressions, posture, et cetera. These are both terrible. Oh, man. actions while they are talking to you their hand movements facial facial expressions posture etc these are both terrible oh man my wife does the repeating you thing but she'll do it so far beyond what is acceptable you know it's like once you're you're really upset and you're like okay stop okay stop and then you just keep going forever until i am broken she breaks me and then i laugh and i find it funny and then that's once you start laughing yes it's done um these are these are these are terrible options yeah i i think i will take the nonchalantly trying to finish other people's sentences it feels like more of a game right like you're trying to it other people's sentences. It feels like more of a game, right? Like you're trying to finish.

It feels like, you know, some fun that you could be a part of. Like some sort of engaging challenge for you to. Isn't that an improv thing? Yeah, there are some improv games that are kind of like that. Finishing someone's sentences. It's one of the hardest things to do. Yeah, I would say that. I'm afraid of spiders.

Right, exactly. Because when I. Oh, come on. I'm not trying to finish. I'm trying to talk. I've been trying to train myself not to cut you off. I can't get back into that habit. Oh, that is so much worse oh that feels of all the of all the shows and people we've done thousands together together

yeah let's move on all right we're just moving forward. That's a great question. Drew from the website, what's the difference between a hotel, a motel, and an inn? I love it when we do these questions because I learn something every time. Yes. A hotel, a motel, and an inn. Well, they're in the wrong order because a lot of times people want to, you know, you talk about a puddle and then a pond and then a- Well, you go small to big.

Right. Small to big or big to small, but here- You're saying an inn is smaller than a motel? Yes. I'm saying a motel is worse than a hotel. Of course. You're saying an inn is smaller than a motel? I'm saying a motel is worse than a hotel.

Of course. But I think that, to me, the difference between a hotel and a motel has always been it's all inside. If you go to the lobby and they say, Mr. Wright, your room is this way, and I stay inside. Oh, my gosh. I'm at a hotel. You're at a hotel, then. You're at a motel if you have to walk outside the door. If I leave the lobby and go outside and I have to walk outside and then I go into my room, I'm at a motel. So I think you're partially right, but the actual differentiator, which I think you're interpreting as going outside, is do you feel unsafe?

It's just are you terrified um that's a motel so if you go to a hotel that's fun if you go to a motel you don't want to be there and you shouldn't be and there's 50 50 chance you're mugged or robbed and the inn the inn is just something they call a motel to make you think that you don't need to be afraid. Yeah, an inn is like quaint and small, right? Yeah, I feel like- Yeah, on purpose, though. Well, but you feel safe at an inn, don't you? Because it's usually someone's house. What, is a bed and breakfast an inn?

Yes, that's how I feel. Oh, no, it's not. You don't think a bed and breakfast is an inn? No. I think a- First of all- Is it a motel? A motel is something,

you have to be able to see it from the local highway. You have to be able to physically see the light from the highway. That's for sure. Hotels can be located anywhere. You don't actually see the building because it's not tall enough. Correct. They're always really flat, U-shaped. You park right in front of your door.

That's the way a motel is. I don't know what an inn is. Well, an inn is really tiny. I think bed and breakfast doesn't. What we know is that there's never any room. What about Holiday Inn? There's never any room. Is Holiday Inn a motel or an inn? I tiny. I think bed and breakfast doesn't. What we know is that there's never any room. What about Holiday Inn? There's never any room. Is Holiday Inn a motel or an inn?

I think it's a hotel. I think it's a hotel. It's a hotel? Yeah, Holiday Inn is not an inn. They are, might as well call them Denver. They're such liars. They are just a hotel. What about Holiday Inn Express?

Now that's a motel. Yeah, for sure. I do not feel safe. Do they call it an inn because motels you're out? And they wanted to counter-effect that? I've always heard there's no, there's never room in the inn. There's never room at the inn.

That's what I mean. Because they're so small. Whenever you want in the inn, you're out. There was no room. No room in the inn. That's a story I've always heard. Yeah, but there's plenty of room at the hotel. They've just gone to the hotel. And the motel always, always has room because no one's there. You know what I mean? It's vacant.

There might be a worker. And a motel always has the sign out front where it's the two different lights. There's no and vacancy. And then they light up the no when they want to pretend that it's all full, but it's really not. And a motel will never give you ice in the room. You have to go get it. And that's your best chance of getting mugged.

Wait, hotel? Because on the way to get the ice. They bring you ice at your hotels? Oh, yeah. Well, they're indoors. Well, you have to go get it, though. That's true. You do go get it.

But you don't have to go outside. You don't have to get mugged to get it. Right. Well, no. Because you're in a hallway. Right. You're not outside. Yeah, muggings only happen outside.

That's actually something else you should learn. It's illegal to mug somebody inside or outside. Well, either one is illegal. You look like a good mark that had a lot of money, but I respect the rules of the roof. If you're mugged indoors, you just got in a fight. That's all it is. Oh, is that the difference? Yeah, you can't go to the police and say I was mugged because, you just got in a fight. That's all it is. You didn't get mugged.

Oh, is that the difference? Yeah, you can't go to the police and say I was mugged because they go, well, where were you? And you'd be like, well, I was in the hallway. You didn't get mugged. You got in a fight, bro. That's just true. And we don't know what the inn is, though.

The inn is wherever there's no room. What's an inn? You can't stay. Oh, nobody stays at an inn. Nobody has ever stayed at an inn. It's always full. Just the innkeeper. That's right. It You can't stay. Oh, nobody stays at an inn. Nobody has ever stayed at an inn. It's always full. Just the innkeeper. That's right.

It's just a house. It's just a money laundering business. Okay. All right. Sores from Patreon. Ouch. Sores? Ouch.

Thank you for your support. I have a reusable water bottle. Oh, brag much? Jeez. That I refill and carry around daily. The only thing that goes in it is water. How often do I need to clean it? This is a great question.

This is a great question. How dirty is your mouth? Because every time you put water in it, you're cleaning it. Right. No, but every time you drink from it, you're backwashing. But then I put new water in it, and I've just cleaned it. Right. But you're drinking the water you're cleaning it with.

But you're never going to clean it while it's half full. You're not going to like- Oh, that's dirty. Right. You would never put some soap in a half full and then drink, because then you'd be drinking soap. So it is always 100% of the time clean. False.

I'm confused. How is it? Wait, what? Actually, you should clean the outside, though. I think that this reusable- The outside? The outside. You could have put it down on the ground.

It's got dirty. Who cares about the outside? What about the part where your tongue goes? Yes. I don't just take my water bottle and lick, lick. No, I'm just saying because- The mouthpiece is the biggest concern here. But it's always cleaned by the water.

When you drink- Not the outside part of the mouthpiece. That's not cleaned by your mouth. That's the part you got to worry about is the outside of the mouthpiece. Everything inside is questionable. Real talk. If you have the one where it's got the flippy straw and it comes up and it's the plastic, you got to bite it.

Eventually, if you look at that straw- Not good. At the bottom of it, it is a black mass is starting to grow. You never look at the straws. Never. So then it stays clean? Yes. Because as long as you don't look at it-

If you don't know, you are fine. If you look at straws that you have used, like reusable straws- Oh, never do that. Gives the bacteria power. It is a bad, bad idea. You're going to see how nasty it is. Now, Judge Giamatti said just a smell test. I mean, that's not a bad idea.

Yeah, but I think that most things- It just smells like water. Most things that are, like, think about a glass you would use at home. It would never smell bad. Like, I drank water out of a glass, and then a smell test? Yeah, it's always going to smell bad. In a water out of a glass and then the smell test yeah it's always gonna smell fine it's not true water bottle it has a smell that forms after enough a pond doesn't always smell but you know there's tapeworm in there pond by other can i get tapeworm from up

i have wanted to know where i can get tapeworm for so long because man the dream is alive you can eat anything you want this is your weight loss plan you're going to eat one on purpose oh baby i can eat i can go to mcdonald's all the time and i'm just feeding my worm excuse me eating for two yeah could i park in the expectant mother's spots could i say like oh there is a plus one in here. Don't believe me? Watch me eat. No, a tapeworm diet plan has always been my fallback option.

Somebody's going to give him a gummy worm and he's going to eat like crazy after he... Oh, gosh. A tapeworm has always been your fallback. My fallback diet plan. I assume someday I'll have to find one, but I didn't know I could find them at my local pond. Just drink the pond water, brother. Look, I mean, it might come with some other different viruses. Smell the pond first.

Probably help with weight loss too, though. Oh, yeah. Water weight. Eventually you weigh nothing. Oh, man. All right. By the way, is water more, is it more dangerous to leave a cup of water out

that is full or a cup of water out that is empty but we're just like a little water at the bottom because i always think that that one's more dangerous oh that feel it does feel why does it feel worse no wait with with like just a little bit of water yeah that's not worse because that's backwash no but the like little bit means water in it? Yeah. That's not worse. Because that's backwash. No, but the little bit means that stuff's going to grow on it. Whatever grows is not diluted by the entire cup. You don't grow mold in the middle of the water. You only grow it on the areas where like- Mold doesn't grow on water.

I know, but it will eventually grow on- Bacteria grows where it's moist. Sure. I mean, literally walls filled with moist water grow molds. Yeah, but that's growing on the water. And mosquitoes. They grow mosquitoes? Moist areas.

All right. I think we did it. We figured it out. Alec from Patreon, how many pieces of paper do you think you could punch through at the same time? What an awesome question. Now I'm really curious. So these are secured on the edges so you can 100% just keep trying to punch.

Yeah. Not a lot. Not a lot. Have you heard the... It's not 500. The explanation, and I'm going to need Al, I need someone to back me up on this because it's insane. But there's like something about if you fold a paper a certain amount of times it becomes the thickness of like the universe didn't we do that in a liar liar was that something we did yeah probably a lot

we've talked about so much crap man i don't know yeah but that's a thing it is a thing yeah i've heard that um so can you punch through the universe no not yet i yet. I'm working on it. I couldn't. So I'm going to start with what I know, which is a ream of paper, 500 pages. I could not punch through a ream of paper. Okay. Could you tear a phone book in half? With like some massive shears, sure. No, I could not tear a phone book in half.

Although there's tricks to that, right? Like you spread the pages and you're not actually tearing it all up. I don't know. I've seen strong men do it. I think I could punch through 100 pieces of paper. Okay. How thick is 100 pieces of paper? No way.

It's a fifth of a ring. You don't think so? No way. Yeah, I could definitely punch through 100. No, you couldn't. How? I don't think you can punch through. Yeah, how low is that number?

Yeah, what do you think? Can he get through 20? 20 is about where I think you could get through. You don't think I could get through 50 sheets of paper? No. No. Wait, you don't either? No, I'm looking at you right now.

Oh, I know. 50 sheets of paper, no problem. Yes, problem. I put $100 down. I could punch through 50 sheets of paper. 50 sheets? I, problem. I'd put $100 down. I could punch through 50 sheets of paper. 50 sheets? I don't think so. I'll take the bet.

Oh! Which side? Not your side. Oh, no! Here's the thing. Oh, no. Is there anything that we have that can hold the paper securely enough to let him try to punch through it?

I can make something. I want... Here's what I want. I want him to hold the paper up. What, in front of his face? Right in front of his face. And I'll show you how I can rip through that paper. I don't here's what I want. I want him to hold the paper up. What, in front of his face? Right in front of his face. And I'll show you how I can rip through that paper. I don't know if you could do 20.

Oh man, what about two? You think I could do two sheets of paper? Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. Not if there was a picture of a spider on him. Oh man, that might be how I get through. Because we know that you're about to hit a spider, yes.

I just want to know, this spider, I've heard the story three times now. The spider's gotten bigger every time. It's like one of those fisherman stories. I want to know how big this spider really was. He's over here talking big game like, if you put a spider on it, that's when I could really punch through the paper. Meanwhile, he's in a situation to save his family on the side of the road. From a boot rig rolling over on him.

One of these things is a photograph that, yeah, I probably couldn't punch that paper. Hold on a second. Let's put you back in that situation. Please don't. You're on the side of the road with your family. Johnstone doesn't roll up. It's 40 degrees out. Bat phone over there doesn't answer.

You got no cell coverage. Yeah, how long does this go? Is that a thing where once you recognize the gravity, you would do it? No, of course not. We actually had one alternative plan. You were going to leave the van. You were going to all get in the other car. No.

You can't leave the van because then you don't know where the spider is you're 100 right we would not have left the van okay we would have said that it broke down and got it towed we would have had the van towed somewhere okay but then you you would have paid but then how long does you realize that if it gets towed right the spider could still just be in there somewhere. Right, 45 days later, we will clear the van out quickly. How long can a spider live in a car? Oh, you'd sell the van.

And we would sell the van. That spider was going to cost you all the tow money, all the cost of trading it in. That spider almost ruined your life. Now I'm picturing Jason at home, and he orders a bug guy for a full fumigation, and they show up with the tent for the house. They're like, okay, is this the place? Nope, that right there. And you just point to your car.

Put the tent up, take it down. Oh, man. Yeah, no, I did have that cost three thousand dollars just make it happen it's worth it do you see the size of this spider um yeah i mean i i wow we i have been googling for used cars that's not even like i we have we're looking at trading are you you know that logically the spider's gone it hasn't done anything to you. John Stone could be Denver as well. He could be a liar. He said he knocked it out, and he's like, oh, wait, it's down there.

And then he hit it. So did you kill it? I didn't kill it, but I knocked it out. We're like, are you sure? You saw it knocked out? And he's like, I guarantee it. And it felt a little too confident. It was like, why are you needing us to be this sure that it knocked out, and he's like, I guarantee it. And it felt a little too confident. You know, it's like, why are you needing us to be this sure that it was out?

It's funny that neither of you watched him get rid of the spider. We tried. Oh, man. We need to draft. The Spitballers draft all right we are drafting the best dad clothing items as in like this is the most dad the most these are staples right like you're building you're building some dad wardrobe here. Only a dad's wearing that. And only a dad is wearing it.

And so, Mike, you have the very first pick. It's unfortunate to be first in this draft. Is it? Man, it is. There's kind of a one-on-one. I've got a one-on-one as well. Oh, I have like eight one-on-ones over here, fellas. All right.

But we're going to kick. Oh, man. We should also say, considering we are kind of middle-aged dads, we should say which of these we find acceptable or that we've, we've acquiesced to as we come along to them. I'm sure Al, all of them are in your wardrobe.

So, man, got it. I'm trying to, I'm trying to analyze the draft here. What could possibly make it back that I just have to have for my most dad? Everybody can close their eyes and see a dad. Oh, yeah.

And you know exactly what we're talking about. So we'll go right to the source. It starts on the feet. It starts on the ground. It's those white New Balance shoes, my friend. That's the clear one. I don't understand what happens to dads when they're just like, foot fashion?

Don't care. Give me some white New Balance shoes. I have a little insight to that. I know what it is. Okay. Because my father bought the same pair of real close to white New Balance. They were gray New Balance for about 20-some years, the same pair. And that's what it is.

They found the pair that feels good. And I think it's really a testament to New Balance. The New Balance. Perhaps it is. It's like the dads put them on. They're like, oh, baby, I can walk in these. And then they never want to change the pair that fits. My dad was a Reebok dad.

Okay, white? Yep. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Reebok dad. Okay, white? Yep. Oh yeah. Why are dad shoes always white? Why are they always... They like that clean white look. Oh, the white New Balance. And the white shoes always look

bigger. Oh, well the New Balance ones are chunky. You're just wearing gigantic marshmallows on your feet. Yep. I had my one-on-one on the list was white New Balance Velcro. Okay. Yeah, yeah, but. Yeah.

Wow. All right. Well, that's a good pick. That's a shame. I'm going to go. Hmm. There's a number of directions. I've got so many good ones.

I'm going to go with pleated khakis. Oh, yeah, baby. I must have the pleats. Yeah. Oh, the pleated pants. For sure. Just the worstats yeah oh the pleated pants for sure just the definition of a pleat oh the pleat is when you're when you're wearing the uh like a khaki or a dress pants the fold line it's when you have those cinches those fold lines across the front yeah that there was a time i get it this is this is ladies and gentlemen, we are fathers. We're not just taking shots at dads right now.

There was a time when that was in. That was fine. That was socially acceptable. It was preferred that we needed to have the pleats in our pants. That time was gone like 25 years ago. It was a short window. It was a very short window of. But then they stuck around.

But it was only a short window when it was actually cool. And then, uh, yeah. Have you ever seen these time capsule dads though? Like I, so we go to these sporting events with my son, you know, flag football games. There's tons of dads everywhere. And every once in a while you find the time capsule dad, they're not wearing the dad stuff. Yeah.

They're the ones wearing what they wore in high school. Same high school spiked haircuts same big wide jeans same oversized t-shirts they just never stopped doing the routine from high school and look i get it like if you're like hey mike what uh what new music are you listening to well i got some stuff from the late 90s that i think you might like the older you get the more you want to just do something easy you're locked in man you're locked in all right my pick i have two of them you get two well good i i actually thought the 101 was this pick that i'm gonna make um it's also on the feet but i'm going with the socks and sandals yep shoes and socks socks and sandals look is i don't know at what point.

Now, that is full. I don't care. Yes, it is. I'm not taking the socks off to put the sandals on, and I'm not making a sandal choice based on aesthetics because I'm wearing socks. So the socks and sandals are going to be my first pick. That's tremendous. Now, I have an item.

Are these all forward-facing? I don't know. You know what? Never mind. I'm going to pivot. I'm going to go to the cell phone holster. Oh, no! That's the one I thought would come back! Oh, the phone clip,

for sure. I'm going to the cell phone holster phone clip. My father is a phone clipper, and does it oh it's terrible it's so embarrassing my dads are on blast today oh yeah why don't you look down right now and see if you've got a phone clip to your pleated khakis and you could know that this is a problem this is about you we're here to help with we're here yes we're here yes we are on We're here to. Yes. We're here to. Yes, we are. On one hand, you have some of the top picks in a draft from spitballing. Right. Congratulations. You're very dad.

Yes. I thought that would easily make it back. Yeah. I'm going socks and sandals, cell phone holster. So, since we are putting dads on blast, mercilessly. Of which we are, but not quite this stage not quite this stage i feel the need to put myself on blast oh is this one you go with i don't think there's much more dad clothing than a polo shirt i am a polo man my wardrobe in my closet i've got like the t-shirts and i got the

polo section i've got a lot of polos. I love them. They are my favorite shirt. You do wear a lot of polos. D-A-D guilty as charged. Yeah, it's a dad shirt for sure. Oh, man. I love it.

Love me a good golf polo. Oh, man. It's so comfy. Spectacular. It's like I'm dressed up, but I'm still comfortable. Oh, man. All right. Oh. Mike, you're up. You have a couple of picks. it's like all right it's like i'm dressed up but i'm still comfortable oh man all right oh oh mike you're up you have a couple of picks there's three that i just

oh you only get two i love them all right well we i mean we got to start with this one uh there look there may be some people in this office that are guilty of this crime as well. I'm not going to name any names. Cargo shorts, my friend. Oh, yeah. If you got the extra pockets on the bottom, what are you doing? Why do you need those? Maybe I used to.

I had so many cargo shorts a long time ago that my pocket for the wallet was always the right cargo pocket. I was too. But this was back in the cargo days. Yeah. When I was a young lad, it was like, oh man, there's so much room for all my stuff. It's convenient. Like, would you rather go hiking in a normal pair of shorts or cargo shorts? You got to go with the cargo shorts, man. But yeah, they're very, very dad short. They're a little

dated now. That was the next on my list. Excellent. Excellent. And then, uh, I will follow it up my third pick. Oh man. Which one makes it back? I don't know. We'll go with, uh, look when you get older, I get, I get it. Cause the eyesight goes, I mean, uh, Jason wears fantastic glasses. Thank you. You're great glasses. I was a glasses man for a long time. I know where you're going and I had to get these ones. Look when you have prescription lenses and you go outside, there's a problem. You can't wear it. You can't wear sunglasses.

But what if your lens did both? What if you could be inside and then you go outside and you're wearing sunglasses and I will take transition lens. There is nothing worse than transition lenses nothing and that's a slow transition right there especially when you come back inside my dad had these for you had them my dad had them i bought some i went glass indoors with sunglasses for a long time yes that's that's the biggest problem is when you don't need them sunglasses even when they're done even when they're fully untransitioned to regular lenses like those are

a little tinted those look real stupid and the thing is is i bought them and they were expensive that was like a huge upgrade it cost a lot of money to add well there's a lot of science going on there and uh i did this of course without my wife because she never would have let me do this. I just thought, oh, that's cool. I can always have them. I mean, it was a real dad maneuver because I think part of the problem with dad. You are so right. The problem with all this dad clothing and just dad gear is practicality and ease over fashion.

So it's like, oh, I don't need my other, you know, look at all the room in these pockets. Oh, I can just slip the sandals right on over the socks. Like, it's all just ease. I already found myself a wife. When you don't consult the significant other so that you have a sounding board for this mistake you're about to make, that's when you end up with the

dad and once you got it you're like yeah well i've got it now so i'm gonna wear it all right now i'm just going with the regular old dad and i this is just what you're gonna wear almost every day oh it's just a nice pair of costco jeans just just some just a real nice i mean they're very boxy uh they were very affordable and uh i can wear them every day just a nice pair of costco jeans oh man you get a lot of good use out of those. Oh, yeah. Those are very uniform blue. Are those Wranglers? No, Costco's. Yeah.

Three for 30. They've got a great deal going right now. When you got dad jeans, you've got to let everyone know about the deal. Oh, you have to. That's how you qualify. Yeah. Oh, no, these jeans, oh, they were a great deal. I'm telling you.

I saved so much money. You can go get them right now. They're on sale. Ten for a dollar. Aisle A5. Oh, my gosh a great deal. I'm telling you. I saved so much money. You can go get them right now. They're on sale. Ten for a dollar. Aisle A5. Oh, my gosh. All right. I'm back up?

Yep. Two picks? My final two? Well, I've got to start this off with some headwear. Look, if I know dads, I know out here in Arizona especially, you are very, very comfortable in a large sun hat. It's on my list. You are just fine.

Again, you don't want the sun to get to you, and you don't care what you look like preventing it. So you're going to wear a large sun hat with a big old, it might be wide brimmed. It might be just the back neck. But this is going to be a normal part of your wardrobe. Guilty as charged. Yeah, you've got one.

You know I do. Oh, yeah, you go out. The sun is so strong. The sun is so strong. The sun is so strong. And even though you look so stupid, it's again, it's just very practical. Yes. And I don't know. Hopefully this one's still

okay to be picked. My final pick. It's a variant of one of the already made selections. That's fine. But frankly, in Arizona, the Costco jeans aren't going to cut it when you can get yourself some jean shorts. Oh, yeah. Jorts is on my list.

But not cool. They're not cool. These ones have a very even flat bottom. These ones aren't cut short. These are very hemmed. These are manufactured this way. They might be jean cargos. We don't know for sure. But they are jean.

They might be whitewashed. I mean, they are short jean shorts. Shorts absolutely on this list. So there's my socks and sandals, cell phone holster, sun hat, jean shorts, and I'm ready to go. There are people listening to this show right now. That look down. That are like, what have I done? Oh, man.

You're a dad. Congrats. Yeah. You're probably a wonderful father. Now go burn all that stuff. You look like a weirdo. Other than the sun hat. You might want to keep that. It's a dad. Congrats. Yeah. You're probably a wonderful father. Now go burn all that stuff. You look like a weirdo. Other than the sun hat.

You might want to keep that. It's very useful. Very practical. I did want to piggyback your transition lenses and go the clip-on lenses. Those are the nice backup if you need them, the clip-ons. Those can go in and out of fashion. Of fashion, yeah. Transition lenses cannot.

Unfortunately, Mike got my cargo shorts shorts and sometimes you might be without your cargo shorts and there's only one solution oh no it's a fanny pack not even on my list oh man i mean again super practical i could tell you if i go to disneyland you go fanny i go fanny yeah i got all my cash right full fanny oh yeah full fanny, yeah. I got all my cash right in front. Full fanny? Oh, yeah. Full fanny pack. Like front full fanny.

I mean, I'll put it to the side. I'm a hip young dad. All right. But yeah, it's so. It's European. Yeah, so easy to keep everything all in one place. Oh, man. Well, that's a great closer pick right there.

Hit that one out of the park. I got pleated khakis, a polo shirt costco jeans and a fanny pack oh that's so good wow that one's outstanding i hadn't even thought of did you have a fanny pack phase as as uh i did as a wee lad i did i wasn't it was like third i definitely held it to the side too it wasn't straight in front of you oh no nerds like third to fifth grade i think i had a fanny pack on every. Small detour because I'm thinking about the fanny pack being, you know, tilted to the side, right? Which, really, the fanny pack's most convenient if it's right in front of you.

Right in front. Another thing that you do as a kid, for goodness sakes, kids, I think they stop doing it. But I felt a tremendous peer pressure to only use one side of the backpack strap. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I yeah i needed both man my backpack was heavy i needed the security and i probably misaligned my spine for years i have permanent damage because i had to do i can't do both i'm a nerd two straps yeah that's yeah you're right i gotta look cool and hold this all with one side. That's for dorks. Cool kids wear with one strap. Isn't that so ridiculous?

So stupid. It is so stupid, but man, if you see both straps on her, that kid is a dork. Wow. All right, Mike, your final pick. All right, we'll close this one out. When dad goes on vacation, you know he cuts loose. And there's only one type of shirt for dad when he's on vacation.

And that is the Hawaiian shirt. Oh, that is so good. It's probably not buttoned. Oh, it's of course not buttoned. It's got a white t-shirt under there. Hey, Al, do you got any Hawaiian shirts over there? Oh, yeah. When I'm on a cruise ship, I am bright.

You're wearing them. And a few days after. Yeah. When I'm on a cruise ship, I am bright. You're wearing them. And a few days after. Yeah. You're wearing the open Hawaiian shirt. You got your cargos on. You got your socks and sandals. The wind is blowing through that shirt a little bit. The transition lenses have fully gone to sunglass.

Oh, baby. Spectacular. Other nominees here as we close this out. I did have bolo ties out there. Are they? That's grandpa. They're more grandpa. Yeah.

I got tube socks. Oh, yeah. I had the high socks, but it was just like socks and sandals took care of it. Novelty t-shirts. Yep. That's what I've got. Overstuffed wallet. Oh, very dead.

Very dead. Whitey tighties. Certainly certainly they don't always show those off and then it was they do sometimes well it was a combo with the wallet but it's like dads just have huge key rings that have like 30 30 keys on there okay and you only use two of them but you hear him jangling coming down the stairs and of course gildan t-shirts oh of course well what do you think all those novelty t-shirts are printed on cheap as possible for a dollar all right what did we learn today learn that denver is full of lies they are full of crap i mean flagstaff looks down upon you denver literally Literally. Yes. Literally. I learned that Jason's spider phobia goes so far that he can't even save his family to kill a spider.

I wrote two words down. Spiders win. Yeah. Spiders win. That's shameful. Oh, no. I was full of shame. I still am.

But know thyself. We love you anyways. My family lives. That's a nice polo you got. Thank you, John Stone. Take care, everyone. See you next time. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.