Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Mouth Breathers & The Most Unsanitary Things - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

Spit Hit for January 10th, 2022: We have got some great articles to discuss in today’s long-awaited edition of ‘Is This Real Life?’. We also discuss coma patients and the preferred method of transporting them. Mike also reveals a secret insecurity he has always had & Owl chimes in with something real smooth. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, spit wads. Hope everyone enjoyed the holiday break. Enjoyed that time off with the family. We were ready to pump out some new content for you. Unfortunately, both Andy's house and Owl's house have succumbed to the virus. It is going around there right now. Everyone is okay, but to do our part and stop the spread of the infection, unfortunately, we had to postpone the new episodes of the Spitballers. However, we didn't want to leave you empty-handed,

so we handpicked this episode so that your Monday is a little bit funnier, a little put that smile on the face. We will be back as soon as we possibly can. But until then, enjoy this spit hit. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Let's go. The airlessness oh i didn't even think that would happen the losing the voice

the so good leaky tire it was a leaky tire i am so happy for you going through puberty Andy, and becoming the man that you've waited 36 years to become. Let me tell you something. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast, by the way. We have a great one for you. Would you rather? Is this real life? What you didn't know is making me scat disrupts the voice for the remainder of the show.

I've been without a regular speaking voice for almost a month. I have now started to wonder if it's permanently damaged like it will never return and what happens then well the world's a better place to scout like a prepubescent teenager every time i remember that's tough i remember having the same thoughts you had last september when uh i i you know had some respiratory issues for darn near a month it it's it's no good but look at me now look at me now well literally don't look at you now because right before this show began you told us that the room you're in is so hot that you are now there's a video of this show on youtube obviously watch on youtube and you look

very well dressed i mean you're wearing a polo your hair's done you yeah your beard seems tidy enough in the midst of this circumstances but you have nothing on really beneath the top of your shirt yeah i mean i would say donald duck yes that's right uh donald duck has nothing on me because he at least lets his shirt hang down my shirt right so if you're on youtube and you're looking here's the camera okay i'm going down the the shirt it goes down to about there um which is above the belly i got no pants on i've got ice packs under my feet this is incredible and and as uh owl pointed out right before we started recording he said it's 58 degrees here is that true is that is that real life that is true yeah wow you do not actually get cold it's not possible need to record this in a refrigerator

what's that what's that old show not the bear grills one there used to be another guy that went out and did like survivor man survivor man you would be perfect for that, Jason. If they put me in the cold, yeah. Yeah. Jason survives Antarctica with nothing. With one shirt. How many Georgia peanut butter do I get? But put me in the desert. Put me out in the Sahara.

You just watch me actively melt. Let's Jason survive for six hours. Impossible. In a tank. at spitballerspod on twitter by the way follow us there instagram.com slash spitballerspod appreciate all the spitwads out there supporting the show

at jointhespit.com hope everybody's doing okay I hope everybody is staying composed it's a weird time nobody is built for this nobody knows you know what's coming next in terms of everybody being stuck at home introverts are built for this experience my man are they really though yes one thousand percent like if i didn't have three monstrous

children running around i would be living my best life right now, man. I laughed. Oh my gosh. I laughed at a meme. I saw it was like people normally, and it's everybody on their phones and they're indoors. And then it's like people in quarantine and they're out on hiking paths and jogging and trying to be in parks. And it's so true. Don't tell me what to do. Oh my gosh. But seriously, if i didn't have to take care of three small human beings right now i would be playing so many video games i'd be

watching all the movies uh i've i've talked about how recently i went through all the marvel movies again but i would be doing that all over again and it would it would be incredible absolutely all right let's get into review review asaurus rags this one comes in from tranquility ace five stars much needed laugh as a critical care nurse on the front lines of the covet 1919 crisis. I needed some distraction in my life. Stumbling onto your show, I found it. The day I found out that I had been exposed to a patient with the virus,

I was beside myself. That's real. That's intense. That night, I listened to episode 31 and laughed till I cried when you guys were talking like Yoda in the bathroom stall invasion. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You provided good medicine cried when you guys were talking like yoda in the bathroom stall invasion thank you thank you thank you you provided good medicine to this man i love the show and will be a devoted spitwad

listener thank you tranquility ace so much more so than thanking us well you know what we are a distraction that's for sure yeah i mean i do need to kind of dial that back because i do think we we probably help just so many more people just it's sheer number sheer volume we're just i mean we're just like here like i've never felt like i've been paid such a compliment to be called a distraction like has that ever been a good thing until now? It sure feels good right now to be a hearty distraction. I used to get in trouble at school for that. That used to be something I got yelled at for. Jason, you're being a distraction. I think not anymore. I think that's pretty amazing. First of all, I thank you and shout out to all of the

just unbelievable health co-workers. I've been sick over the last month. I was tested for COVID and I had to go through the process. And I mean, the people that are there are such professionals and they're putting themselves on the line. For the genuine thing there, I mean, that is absolutely incredible. Thank you for what you're doing. I'm glad we're a distraction. It's the simple things right now that keep people sane.

I bought a Nerf hoop on Amazon and stuck it up in the middle of our house, and we get to shoot around during the day. That's a nice distraction. That's the level we are, the Nerf hoop level. I think we're more fart joke, which is a whole other level. I want to talk about, though, the thing that's not being talked about is you're over there you had to go you you had to get the testing but what you you weren't thinking about is

what did i have to endure because you had to get tested like all of us i'm calling all my friends like ah crap some guy i know is getting tested everybody and they're like it's not a good feeling you're the worst and i'm, it's not even my fault. I was very, very selfish of you, Andy. Very selfish. Look, I saw an interview with, I think it's Daniel Dae Kim is his name. And he's from various television shows. He's an actor.

And he put out a video. He tested positive. He was filming in New York. And he felt so bad. He tested positive. He was filming in New York. And he felt so bad. He had no idea he was sick. He had no idea he exposed anybody. But he had to come on and apologize to each and every person he worked with. Because he's like, I had no idea.

I was asymptomatic. And don't get me wrong. When I was going through that, I've never been through a respiratory illness like this. I was writing down the names, thinking I'm going gonna have to make those phone calls and so you know fortunately it came back negative and i didn't have to do that but yeah sorry mike i'm just joking but it's like it's such a strange thing that people are living through because i'm i'm sure there are people who are listening to this right now who they have they have a friend they have a family member who they're going through the testing process right now.

And you're like, wait a minute, I didn't do anything wrong. And the person who's being tested, they didn't do anything wrong either. I know. So it's like, what a freaking crazy world right now, man. Yeah. So everybody stay safe. Hang in there. We will get through it.

A year from now, we'll look back and I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that we'll get through it. We will get through it. A year from now, we'll look back. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that we'll get through it. Or water will be the only resource left. Water and gas. Thank you. Or that. That's one possible option. There's multiple outcomes here. Just stock up on water and gas.

We're not drafting existential threats this week. We're saving that for another time, Mike. Oh, yes. We can really lean into the demise of the world at that point let's get into what you're i'm gonna get meteor would you rather wow i have not seen this question until just now micah from patreon would you rather be in prison for 10 years or in a coma for 20 that is an incredible question because in the coma you're? That is an incredible question. Because in the coma,

obviously you're not experiencing any of it, but you lose another 10 years of your life. Prison, I mean, I'd be in prison for two years. Do you make it, Dan? There's also repercussions, though. Like, you come out of prison, you're a convicted felon getting work getting jobs

also whatever put you in prison is going to have an effect you know did your family move on or not you know if i guess but in a coma for 20 years i mean did your family move on moved on that's i mean 20 years in a coma i think we've all put ourselves in that situation where you you know you think about what it would be like to wake up and try to acclimate to a new world i mean i saw people that were just speaking of the current pandemic and where we're at with covid 19 coma people are the lucky ones right now am i right oh my that's not what i was going to say but uh what i was going to say was that there are some people that were hiking. They did a 25-day disconnection in Grand Canyon.

It was Jared Leto. Oh, he was one too, right? Yeah, I heard there were some people. Yeah, I had heard about Jared Leto, actor, singer from 30 Seconds to Mars, who's like legit. I mean, he's a different cat. You look at him and you hear him being interviewed you know like he's into to uh he's he's an outsider but apparently he came back

and had no idea had no idea this sounds like it sounds like a joke i mean these people someone drove up to them in a car after 25 days and told him hey guess what's going on and they had no idea the world is in chaos i mean because it's still hard i think denial is like half of the uh equation here but prison for 10 years i mean that's tough time in coma you're not you know you're not doing anything you're not fighting for your life probably we don't know you're saying that this some could be happening in the coma well i'm just saying like you're eavesdropping on everybody and you know you're hearing everything well i'm not even talking about eavesdropping like maybe you're in a fever dream we i mean we've all experienced that dream where you're like this can't what i'm enduring right now can't

possibly be real but it just keeps going and going and going what if that's 20 years i have never had a fever dream that is what you describe is this is this a common thing what you've never experienced a dream where you felt like this it can't be reality well i mean i've had dreams which all feel that way but i mean it's specifically like some sick fever dream that's like uh over the top bad or something like that as you're describing i've never had that wait wait wait you've never had a nightmare in your life yes but not caused by a fever or a like a coma is that so is that just well i've never very common i mean you've never had a coma you've

never been in a coma is what you're saying i haven't been in a coma that's what i'm trying to describe here yet i've never been in a coma but i have had several fever dreams i've also had the pizza dreams i'm sorry to pepperoni eat a pepperoni pizza right before you go to bed see what happens so are you telling me that a fever dream is just a synonym pepperoni pizza is great. And I'll eat it before bed. I'll eat it right when I wake up. I'll eat it. I'll go a full 24 hours of eating nothing but pepperoni pizza, and I'll sleep like a baby.

In fact, I'll sleep better than ever because my body will not be able to metabolize. I'm just going to be in that coma. I'm officially going to prison. I'm not going to... You put me before this choice right now, or I mean this choice is before me right now. I'm not missing 10 years of my children's lives, regardless of whether I'm separated from them or have some connection.

I'm going to prison. The interesting question to me would not be the 10 and 20. If it's 10 and 20, I'm going to take, because you're losing 10 years of life by taking this, but if it was 10 years in prison or 10 years in a coma. Yeah, if it was 10 and 10 i'm gonna take because you're losing 10 years of life you're you know by taking this but if it was 10 years in prison or 10 years in a coma yeah if it was 10 and 10 what would you do 10 and 10 i think i would go coma side because of course you take the coma no not of course because you would at least from prison you'd be still like meeting with your kids and seeing your kids your kids lose you for 10 years in the coma i feel like they lose you for 10 years either way not

the same you might get a couple you can't write them a letter from your coma but what do they lose respect do they lose do they read that letter exactly do they hate you because you've gone i mean who knows i don't know i don't know i went to prison for tax fraud i'm going to a nice prison you're playing you're at a tennis club i am i'm hanging out yeah this is not a big deal you and wesley snipes that's right you some yeah the guy from survivor who was that richard hatch yeah we're all there we're just chilling i'm taking the coma because there's one thing i'm probably elite at and that is sleeping so i'm gonna say in a coma oh yeah oh yeah because muscle weighs a lot and you you're gonna wake up and be the weakest man alive.

Do they move you? Do they roll you around and stuff in a coma? I think they do. Not like all day. Going down the hallway. Watch out. Coma patient coming through. Somersaults.

You want to hit the Wendy's, bro? Let's go, Bill. But they move you around. Look at that grassy hill. This is not the first coma conversation we've had on Spitballers either. Because I remember that Jeremy, or sorry, Al Borland, was looking up the longest coma patient that had ever woken up. And then he just told me they died.

They never woke up. Why am I laughing at this? I't know it's a time it's a time to laugh i'm going to prison i'm going to sleep and mike what are you doing oh man i i'm so torn between what i believe i could get done in that 10 years between what i would actually get done in that 10 years or just 20 years of sleeping. No, 10 and 10. I'm taking the sleeping. It's way easier. All right. How old's your oldest

right now? 10? About to be 11. 11. All right. Come back as 31. 31-year-old? Yeah. All right. David from Twitter. You're right. 31 know it's crazy right yeah i switched him at the last minute but if it was 21 and you get out in 10

yeah then you missed those uh you missed the pubescent voice years that i'm going through right now uh david from twitter would you rather never be able to use a remote for your television or have to send every text and email using siri dictation no phone no phone remote so basically like we're old enough i'm 36 mike i think you're 37 jason 38 and yep i had a sony tv growing up for the first however many years and it had you know like 10 buttons it was channel 3 5 8 10 12 you know wait did it have buttons or did it have a turn dial no no it was buttons it was one button per channel it was just up the side and you'd get up and you'd turn it on and you'd turn it off and that's how you live life and

so i remember that but i don't know which one's 99 that thing went to 99 it didn't go up into the 700s i know that's the problem yeah because here here's the thing is is the dial that you know the old school thing where you had the turn dial you could turn it to any channel in the blink of an eye walking up there now like i i think about my i've got like a cox communications uh cable box uh hooked up to my tv there's not even a button on there there's no buttons to change the channel so this is if i lose the remote i just can't but if you've got the bigger box like one of my tvs has the buttons on the on the cable box and i would have to push one channel at a time to get to 722 i'll take the coma i'll take the coma

so it'll be 20 years before you get to your channel anyway i just don't think that's possible to lose the remote i mean because tvs aren't made for that now like the buttons on them can't get you where you need to go i mean i think you presume in this situation you would be hand dialing the on off and the channel i mean so i have a numeric pad the irony is i use my remote's voice function to go to channels i never type the channel in i always say go to 3.13 or go to 3.34. I have been fascinated. I use the Siri dictation for the remote. Go ahead, Jay. Have either of you

actually used for real conversation or in any situations where there's been a back and forth text thread where you have used Siri dictation or, you know, I know we're all iPhone users. Not successfully.

So it would be Siri. Yeah, not successfully. This is where I was going to go. Our producer, Al Borland, I see him using voice to text all the time. And I'm like, I watch him do it and I go, what are you doing, man? This is how you live your life? You can chime in with this ow am i wrong you use you use the dictation all the time i do yeah i got used to using it in the

car and it's just that's what i use yeah you're like i'm watching reply like yes i do i'm like what hold on this is more efficient than just quickly typing in. Yes, I do. Well, this is a wild world. Here's an example. So we recently got the AirPod Pros, right? So those have like the text communication in them. I was at a grocery store having my new AirPod Pros and I'm walking around and there's this weird beep that I've never heard before. It's like, do-do-do-doop.

And I was like, what was that? And it goes, text message from Tiffany. sale it was like text message from tiffany and it's like hey make sure you pick up some eggs this was like a month ago or so this was before all the all the worries and the shortages this was just a normal grocery trip and then siri says to me she goes you can text back by just saying you know reply back or something like that. And so I tried it. I was like, okay, yeah, I tried it. And I said, you know, oh, sure.

Do we need milk and butter? And then what she said, she said, one moment, did you mean legs and water? Right. It was like, I can't send this. This is garbage. So I was all excited to use it, but I don't think that's possible either. Does Al Borland just have a soothing, deep voice that just Siri can understand? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Don't. You know I do. Oh, no. There it is. But where's the music? Where's the music? Oh, my goodness.

Is this going to show up here? Oh, no. What's going to show up here? Oh no. What's up, spitwads? How you doing? Remote recording has brought with it some, you know, special things. What's up, spitwads? Ballisks and starfishes. This is a tough one, though, i i don't know i i think

i could live with the siri dictation and learn how to do that well i'd probably text less though yeah i agree i'm gonna take the siri dictation because over time it's going to get better over time remoteless tvs are not going to get better i mean maybe you can get to like alexa dictation where you know you're telling... I'll tell you what's going to increase. Is Jason Moore popping up on my telephone because he's calling me. That's right. 100%. If I can't text properly,

it's going to be like, I just called a guy. All right, Clark from Twitter. Would you rather be chewing five times as loud or have your breathing be 10 times as loud? Oh, man. five times as loud or have your breathing be 10 times as loud oh man so you're either darth vader or the world's most annoying person oh this look i'll jump in here this this is terrible as a man who lives with i would all all uh i'll project lives with i would all all uh i'll project conservatively i have probably 30 nasal airflow at any given moment of my life which means by definition i apologize i am a mouth breather so yes when people use that phrase as you're a literal and a slur i take i take offense to that because i don't have a choice

that's right i'm i'm a smart person but i have to breathe through my mouth and so i'm always like conscious of am i breathing really loud right oh my gosh i've never thought it was loud i know because i'm always thinking about it but But if I can't control it and it's 10x, you're just going to hear me in the corner. Now, real quick. Why do you breathe like a goat? Like a goat mating? I don't know. Why is mouth breather like a pejorative term to mean stupid?

What does that mean? I think it's like breathing. You're like breathing wrong. You're breathing incorrectly. I always took it to be like you're a caveman. Like, you're so uncivilized that you have to breathe through your mouth, even though it's probably allergies. All right. Well, I just looked up the definition of a mouth breather.

Here it is. Noun. a stupid person that's it so you should take offense when they call you a mouth breather mike now listen mike i need to here's a little caution for you mouth breathing is let me define it for you it's breathing through the mouth rather than the nose it could cause gingivitis and halitosis, bad breath. Those are more things for you to be thinking about. Oh, great.

Great. It wasn't bad enough that everyone's calling me stupid. Now I've got halitosis. Stupid people with halitosis. All right. But chewing five times as loud. I mean, do you ever eat in public or are you like, how do you hide that volume of chewing? But here's a thing if you're if you're a

respectable person if you're a respectable person you chew with your mouth closed okay right and if you're chewing with your mouth closed you know it's kind of like that whatever you multiply times zero is zero i'm not too worried about five times you should but you're not you are now prox properly using exponents my friend he's a little this isn't this isn't to the fifth power this is times five just five regular times louder he thinks he has a fully soundproof mouth obviously and um look i would be just drinking soups right you don't got to chew a soup that would be your choice do you want to know what i'd be louder dang it do you want to know what i don't always do i don't always truth chew throughout my day i'm not right now i'm not

chewing at all and i do this whenever i'm not eating but i'm always breathing and so 10 times as loud everyone's going to be concerned i so 10 times as loud everyone's gonna be concerned i'm gonna walk everywhere everyone's gonna be like dude are you okay you know everybody trying to give me the heimlich because i'm like everywhere i go nobody can take me seriously jason convinced me because you breathe all the time you could make a choice you could be more selective with the chewing yeah you're not eating chips anymore. You're not eating carrots. But if I'm eating my soggy cereal five times louder, I'm fine.

SpaghettiOs saves the day. You can multiply my chewing of SpaghettiOs times 25. You wouldn't hear it because I don't have to chew it. Jason, aren't you going to eat that? I've got to wait about 25 minutes for it to sogify oh my gosh all right um mike your final answer i've got to take the chewing we've already been over this all right all right let's move on we've got a special segment today spit wads with hello fresh you get farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes

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Is this real life? All right. In this segment, we bring you a very unique and special news story that each of us have found. The other people do not know about it, and we get their reaction to it. Now, no better time than now to be asking, is this real life, right? Living in a weird day and age. I will bring you my story, okay? Okay.

And get your reactions to this. Here's the headline of the story. Doctors discover booze brewing in sober woman's bladder and this story wait what doctors discover booze brewing in sober woman's bladder a 61 year old this is kind of sad she's her own brewery inadvertentlyadvertently. She's 61. She was on a liver transplant list. They denied her her transplant because in her urine, they discovered there was alcohol.

They sent her to a medical facility for alcohol abuse treatment instead of giving her her actual liver transplant. She kept insisting that she wasn't an alcoholic, and eventually they discovered that her bladder was brewing alcohol and she suffers from what i listen to this she suffers from quote urinary auto brewery syndrome that's not real you're gonna get the scientists for that one her urine was so filled with sugar and yeast which are the two key ingredients for fermentation because she's also a diabetic

they finally found out that her bladder was producing alcohol what proof is this? Is this like a 40 proof? Try this for a good time. She was able to bottle her urine in exchange for the liver transplant. No, that part's made up. That part's made up. That's unbelievable. I can't have that. I suffer from bladder makes buritosis. Auto brewery syndrome.

Oh, man. What? She's back on the list because they found out this, Autopneumatosis. Auto brewery syndrome. Oh, man. What? No. She's back on the list because they found out this, and it says her case demonstrates how easy it is to overlook signals that urinary auto brewery syndrome may be present. She's back on the list? Like, they didn't even just put her at the top? No. I don't know why.

Sorry, ladies. You got to start over. Back to the end of the line. Oh, my gosh. on the bright side you can brew your own beer right now just just drink some water out comes beer unbelievable okay we'll call it miller light oh my goodness all right mike what you got all right well apparently we have a similar situation because mine is man eats underwear to be breathalyzer. Wait, to absorb?

He's absorbing the alcohol in his stomach with his underpants? So first and foremost, I have to say this, ladies and gentlemen, children who are listening, drinking and driving is not a joke at all but this guy is a joke so we have a man in canada who was pulled over and due to his quick wit and thinking he thought what do i do because i've had a couple libations how do i make sure that i i blow the legal limit and his fuck to death i will rip out the crotch of my underpants wait it wasn't just like it wasn't just like oh a walmart shopping bag that i just bought underwear i always keep a spare pair of underwear in my glove box because i'm a monster it was i'm taking off my currently used sweaty underpants and i'm gonna the the culprit ripped the crotch

of his shorts stuffed the fabric in his mouth and then he eventually spit it out he did not he did not actually get it down to complete the actual scientific so he didn't get out of it oh my goodness kids at home, you make very bad decisions when you have overindulged on alcohol. But the thing is, he actually hadn't over. He was under the legal limit.

He just freaked out and decided that I'm going to chomp this underwear of duck butter and see what happens. When I'm in a tough situation and i'm panicking eating my own underpants is not at the top of my list it's like fourth fourth or fifth that guy is a total mouth breather so i mean for sure and he was worried about the breathalyzers

you want halitosis eat your underpants i'll tell you that my goodness i feel like you don't need a breathalyzer at that point it's just like sir did you just eat your underpants. I'll tell you that. Oh, my goodness. I feel like you don't need a breathalyzer at that point. It's just like, sir, did you just eat your underpants? Step out of the car. You've been arrested. You are under arrest for eating your own underpants. I've never asked this of anybody. But have you by chance eaten your underwear? And the funny part about this is when they actually got into the courtroom,

they had to dismiss everybody because they started talking about the evidence and no one in the courtroom could handle it because the dude ripped the crotch of his underwear and tried to eat it now hold on hold on hold on i would bet money i would bet you right now that i could not rip the crotch of my underwear off like like i could try i'm in my underwear right now i could not possibly rip the crotch of my underwear off there's no way it's impossible this guy's the strongest man alive you're not desperate enough you're not desperate enough oh man you put that that police officer in my rearview mirror. Do I get super craw-tripping strength? That's, I mean, that was overlooked. The fact that this guy could even accomplish a feat such as this.

Oh my goodness. Unbelievable. All right, you guys got your circus caps on for this one? Yeah, we have our circus caps on. Exactly. All right, here it comes. my uh headline is canine attacks cow cop tases canine cow injures cop during a burglary investigation where there was no burglar so so once yes once again i'll read it again canine attacks cow cop tases canine cow injures cop

during a burglary investigation where there was no burglar scissors this is hot potato it's 100 paper hot scissors oh you got a cow i got him i got a canine cop beats canine canine beats cow cow beats cop cop. Yes, exactly. So apparently this police officer was called out to a burglary investigation. It turned out there wasn't a burglar. No, no. While he was there, he takes his police K-9 unit out of the car, and the dog's totally distracted by this cow.

So he just goes and attacks this cow. And I'm just just saying maybe they need an investment is that cow like stuffed with you know some kind of right yeah maybe that that canine's doing his job so the canine's doing his job because that that cow is clearly stuffed with contraband and the cop comes over and tases the the dog he missed you might need to he missed you think he was aiming for the cow he's like oh no roger uh so he's trying to wait he's trying to pull roger off the cow he's he's trying roger roger's the dog i just named the dog you really threw me off naming him a human name well what are you i mean steve Yes. He's the best human names.

Richard. Richard the dog. No, that's weird. First names aren't dog names very often. Are they like Barkley? Scout would work. Yeah. Hmm.

Anyways, back to the story. Back to the story. So he tases the dog, which that surprised me that this cop would be like, hey, you're my partner because they're partners, right? The canine unit is considered a partner of the police officer yeah that cow is gone if if that's if i'm the cop and that's my cop dog that cow is sorry you let the dog eat the cow imagine that imagine that you're let's make burgers mike if you and i were were police officer partners and we go up to that burglary you look over i'm punching this cow and i'm just like boom boom

boom are you tasing me all right i guess the cow did something really bad exactly so but then when the cop came to get the dog off of him the cow fought back and injured the injured the cop he kicked oh my goodness so there's the headline headline. This is the world we live in. That is glorious. That's spectacular. Man, that made me laugh. All right, let's draft. SpareWads, are you wanting to change your career?

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It did. She thought that this was timely and funny and disgusting. It is all of those things. I have the first pick. Now, I don't know if there's a one-on-one because I've never drafted most unsanitary things before. There are a lot of things that gross me out. There are a lot of things I wouldn me out there are a lot of things i

wouldn't want to put my hands on or be around that are very unsanitary but i will take what i envisioned as the night most nightmarish situation possible which is of course a horrible disgusting porta potty yeah a porta potty is so unsanitary. So gross, man. There's no way. You can't describe something good about a porta potty. You don't. Well, you know how like. Nice handle. No, no, it's an unsanitary handle.

When people rent a car, they don't treat it like it's their car. You know, they're like, whatever happens to this car, it's not mine. I feel like that's what happens with a porta potty. People say, this isn't my bathroom. I don't care what goes where. Yeah, because regular public restrooms are already very gross. And then you take it to a new level with the porta potty because nobody's cleaning them. There's not a crew that comes in halfway through the day and tidies up a porta potty.

That thing is fully anonymous. Like there's no other people in there. And here's the thing. Here's the thing. If you've got to go, let's say you're out at a construction site right and they've got they've brought in porta potties because the there's no plumbing there i would so much rather go in a bush than in that porta potty it's not even that's when you said andy there's nothing good you could say about a porta potty you can't even go good, I can go to the bathroom there. No, it's like, I can go to the bathroom anywhere I want by comparison of walking in that death booth of...

You just don't want to get arrested. Yeah, exactly. So, porta potties, that is my one-on-one. That's definitely what I would have... Well, there you go. Mike, you're up. It seemed like the easy one-on-one with the outhouse. Number two, I'm going to go with something that it's called dirty for more than one reason, but there is the phrase dirty money.

Interesting. It's talking about something else, but the fact that it is just a cesspool of germs. Think about money. When you touch money, are you washing your hands before? think about money when you touch money are you washing your hands before and like when you when you have a handful of coins do you know how disgusting your hands feel right after that like i don't know if another go ahead no i was just gonna say i feel like money is a trick because it's like your phone like you don't we probably all don't sanitize our phone enough like it just is there and money is like i don't know if

i've ever thought about it that way like you're right you're 100 right but i never think about it as being that gross have you looked at a coin that was made in 1967 oh do you know what kind of action that coin has seen it has seen things of unspeakable horrors it's been in porta potties probably 100 dug out of four thousand percent there is not that could that could have seen a digestive track you don't know what that coin has been through in its lifetime and you're just like yeah here it is let me give you some money and someone else is like perfect let me hand you some money it's disgusting it's gross it's pretty gross foul money money is money is very very foul you gross. It is foul. Money is very, very foul.

You know what else is foul? Look, someone's got to do it, so I'm going to do it. I'm taking poop. Okay, because there's not much more. He's going right to the source. I'm going right to the source here. You're worried about digestive tracts. You're worried about porta-potties.

You want to know why you're worried about both those things? Because poop. Look, there's nothing that I would want to touch out there less than poop. So I mean, you want to talk unsanitary things. You don't have like a thesis. There's no thesis, no five-page paper as to why. It's just inherent. I don't need a big backup plan here to defend the fact that poop is unsanitary.

The other thing that I think is a commonly used item that i i believe most people are well aware of how disgusting it is because years ago i would say a decade ago started all the local news stories where they thought oh someone else did this and this sounds really great and is also disgusting let me go out and test our local grocery shopping carts those shopping carts always test positive for fecal matter for just everything that you couldn't even fathom because you're putting babies with diapers in there you're you're not washing your hands like you should and you're touching this and a million people touch it do you think that we are living in because of this whole uh crisis we will come out of this and like 20 years from now, we'll look back and say, remember when we used to shake hands and we used to like all these unsanitary practices?

Do you think we will look back and like they even said that. It's possible. Like in Japan, some things haven't spread as much because in Japan they bow and they already wear masks. and they already wear masks. They have wash sinks at the entrance of a lot of houses in Japan because they just wash their hands when they get home from places. Why don't we bow? That's awesome. I've been seeing all these touch each other's shoes.

Touch each other's shoes. I mean, look, we've been bowing for hundreds of years. This isn't like a new invention. Hundreds, thousands of years. But it's like the imperial system versus metric. We won't conform to what you do, even though it's clearly superior. I would love to... I don't want to bow, but I want to be bowed to, if that makes sense.

I don't want to say that out loud. Do you pump fake your bows? You pump fake yours and they just bow? And then you're like, why thank you. I slowly start my bow while I connect eyes with them until they go, oh, we're bowing. And then as soon as they start, I stand up.

That's our thing. I think the shortest always bows to the tallest. That's what I want to implement. That's not good for Al Borland. Oh, no. Aren't you and i the same height jason no we are not the same height it's the public understanding of it yeah that's all people think that um okay so you got poop and shopping carts back to mike he has money so far all right and andy you actually

you i thought you were going to spoil the pic for me, but it's phones. It is phone. It was 100% your phone. Let me ask you this. You sit down to use the port-a-potty. I'll use your picks. I'm in an outhouse because I'm taking a poop. What am I doing in that outhouse? I am playing on my phone.

Now, afterwards, what do I do to clean up? Nothing. I put it in your pocket i i wipe and look maybe my phone went in the pocket before maybe it went in after who's keeping track of these things but then afterwards i wash my hands i don't wash my phone my phone is now covered in all sorts of just fecal matter and all sorts of disgustingness, but I never ever think about washing my phone. It just goes right in the pocket because it's safe there. And then I pull it out and everything is all over my hands once again. You're 100% right.

We all use our phones when we're in the stalls. But if we see somebody on the phone at a urinal, they're gross. That's the funniest thing about it. 100%. What a hideous beast you are. You must be a mouth breather. Who would do that? I mean, honestly, when I walk in

and someone is using the urinal and they're on their phone... Hold on, I got tweeted at. Yeah. Okay, that's good. It is very unsanitary. All right, so back to me. I've got-a-potty i've got two picks now and um man it's getting rough this is tough i here's what i'm gonna go with if because i was trying to think of situations that i think would be nightmarish you know what

i mean and ultimately if you told me i had to sleep in dirty hotel sheets from somebody else oh that was there before me okay dirty hotel sheets would be all right unbelievably gross like having to all the imaginations of how dirty those could be that has to be on my list so that's my first pick um i'm gonna throw a little curveball out there okay i shouldn't because i doubt anybody would pick this but i was thinking about how absolutely unsanitary it would be i mean desperate times we're at a we have people preparing for the apocalypse right now buy your bottled water but how about drinking water from a stagnant pond? How unsanitary would that be? That's not sanitary. Yeah, that's generally unsanitary.

It's full of worms. People die from, like the biggest, I think, killer in the world is, or at least close to it is, is unclean drinking water. Yeah, so I thought that that was in my head. Absolutely disgusting. Not that it would be picked by any of you but um we'll go stagnant pond water oh i've got one that i just i just can't wait i just can't wait and i know nobody's gonna take it i can't wait oh i that now you have you've you've uh infected my brain jason because i have one that oh, Jason, you are a terrible person for putting this thought into my head.

Because now Mike's trying to find which one to steal. Yes, I'm trying to play the draft of what's actually going to come back to me. I'll take the chance. I'll take the chance that the one I'm thinking of will come back to me. And I'm going to go with, it's something that they always tell you. I'm going to go with it's something that they always tell you. When the flu season is here, make sure you are cleaning these. It's simple.

It's easy. It's doorknobs. Doorknobs are absolutely disgusting because you're not thinking about how dirty your hands are when you're opening the front door. You don't think about that like i have like right now you know we're living that weird crazy life of of uh is the virus on cardboard packages when something gets delivered to my house is it what do i do with this package that's out front meanwhile i'm just like a door handle crank not a problem how is it not a problem because it could be covered in germs it's always covered in germs you gotta do you haven't started in your house doing door kicks for every entrance that's why i just wait how are you kicking open your front door from the inside with

how does he rip the crotch off of his underpants nobody knows i pretend that a police officer's my rearview mirror and then boom that door's open door's open. All right. So doorknobs, Mike. It's a good pick. I mean, you're right. Jason, you got a couple. All right. Well, the first one is going to be easy here. Don't take the one I want.

No, you won't have this. Everyone's going to want it. And we've talked about it before on this podcast. But I'm going to go ahead and take the bathroom carpet. The rare. Hold on, hold on. Are you taking bathroom carpet or are you taking are you taking bathroom carpet are you taking uh it's a bathroom mat it's a bathroom bath mat no no i am taking carpeted bathroom the carpet in a bathroom it's not every bathroom but we saw plenty of pictures of people out there like they have a carpeted bathroom we talked about how foul and filthy and because you want to know

what you could do with your your bath mat and what we do at our house we have bath mats we wash them we throw them in the wash we throw them in the dryer you know what you can't do with your carpet you i mean you can bring in like a shampooer at best but you're probably not doing that and it i mean that what is if you step on a moist carpet, a moist bathroom carpet, and between your toes, the water seeps up into there. Squishing it around you. I mean, I know that you can't really catch anything through your toes, but it seems like it. Oh, it seems like it. I'm definitely taking a carpeted bathroom.

We'll call it like that. Carpeted bathroom. We'll call it like a carpeted bathroom. The next thing I'm taking, look, this has been a problem right now that we're all going through. I'm going to take an airport because you have millions of people from all across the globe, whatever is anywhere, is at the airport. It's a central hub for unsanitary nature. So you're sitting in a seat that a thousand other people have just sat in. And not just like, you know, okay, we're going to this Broadway show and someone sat here yesterday. This is like someone was sitting here 30 minutes ago.

Someone was sitting there 30 minutes beforehand. And you're just constantly changing. Then you got to go to the bathroom that everybody you know airports are just foul they're they're the the hubs that spread everything so i'm gonna take my carpeted bathroom all right airports as as uh unsanitary things so you have poop shopping carts carpeted bathroom and airports i love that i just poop you just drafted poop mike you have money phones doorknobs and one left and i'm pretty sure you're gonna steal mine that i should have taken instead of stagnant pond water but go on what we should we shall see i don't know if you guys have

ever seen a slow motion video of this particular act but let's okay let's let's set the scene here, right? It's someone's birthday. And there is a tasty treat that everyone is going to enjoy. And it's covered in candles. And how do you get these candles? How do you douse the flames of this candle? You blow them out. And when you watch the slow motion saliva just go all over that birthday cake, it is foul. I have never seen this.

These are videos that are out there? Yes. The Japanese must not blow out candles. There's just no way. There's no way. There's absolutely no way. What's so funny, a perfect callback for this episode, Andy, you had to go take the the covid test yeah and like a week before you had to go do that i had a like a birthday party very small birthday

gathering with with uh two couple friends of mine and it was a birthday so they they made a birthday cake and i literally made like a comment about like should i be blowing out the candles and this is a different this is the this is the world weeks ago so i was like yeah okay i'll blow it out i then had to text my friends of hey my buddy's getting covet tests and the first response from my friend was oh dear god the birthday cake because everybody ate it and if i had it my germs were all over that birthday cake are you telling me that when you blow birthday cake candles you're spitting on it one thousand percent that is what i mean if you think about it you are you are yeah it's usually children and it's normally multiple blows if unless you're like a pro. Unless you're a professional.

Yeah, that was actually on my short list, Mike. It was. Okay. I'm going to close it out with something hyper disgusting, which is dirty gym equipment. Poop's poop. Dirty gym equipment. Oh, yeah.

If you have to go use a machine that is covered in the sweat of another human being, that is an offense punishable by death. I mean, if you can catch that person, they should be instantly forced to spend 10 years in prison or 20 years in a coma. That is a just disgusting. I mean, oh, it's funny because when you said dirty gym equipment, when I immediately sweaty gym was my dirty gym clothes after I've changed and they sit in that bag. Oh, yeah. There you could ring them out. I mean, that would stop a breathalyzer test in my gym bag.

But mushrooms in my gym bag. Yeah, that's right. The next time you look in there there is a whole ecosystem oh this has been a disgusting and wonderful brav porta potty dirty hotel sheets stagnant pond water dirty gym equipment mike has money phones doorknobs and a uh blowing out the birthday cake jason has poop shopping carts carpet, carpeted bathroom, and airports. Well, look, one way or another, we're giving you things to avoid here, right? We're trying to keep you safe by way of drafting these things away from you. Don't even bother with them. Don't touch them. Don't touch

them. All right. What did we learn today? I learned that it was possible to rip the crotch off of your underpants i didn't think that that was something that a person could do without tools i learned that dog beats cow cow beats dog oh man i learned so many things today i learned that you know to keep coma patients safe they might roll them down the hallways but i but in in truth i learned that mike is a mouth breather we've worked together for better part of a decade i did not know you were a mouth i hide it well yeah yeah there's a whole community of them out there that they meet up we have support groups you're right yeah by the way it's really loud do you have any honorable mentions on the unsanitary things, Al?

Anything that you were... I had dirty utensils from a restaurant still written down. I had remote controls and purses. Yeah, gas pump handles and shoes. Yeah. Yeah, I had handrails, but that goes along with doorknobs. But you guys got a good list there. Yeah, not...

Thank you. Thank you, Al. I i agree you just come up with other bodily fluids vomit public bathroom floor jason just names actual things viruses bacteria super unsanitary take care thank you for tuning in check out join the spit.com we'll see you next time goodbye thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.