Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: My Lucky Horse Leg & Golf Club Alternatives - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

Spit Hit for June 1st, 2023: On this episode, we talk about why you shouldn’t leave your seat to grab a snack during certain olympic events. We also discuss the stool rule, amphibious insects, malfunctioning robots, and sewer bears. On the back 9 of this episode we have a ridiculous draft of golf club alternatives. Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's Spit Hit, we talk about why you shouldn't leave your seat to grab a snack during a certain Olympic event. We talk about the stool rule, amphibious insects, you know, all kinds of totally normal things like sewer bears. And of course, we have a ridiculous draft for alternative golf clubs. Hey, tell your friends and family about the podcast. Let's get this thing booming out there and enjoy the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-ba-boop-bing-bing-bing-a-dee-boop-boop-a-dee-dee.

Is that a ba-dee-dee? I don't know, man. He hit the button early. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. Yeah, welcome in. For the new people. If you've been here before, you know what's going on. But I was going to say, it's, there's a part of me that is slightly ashamed at how you

guys do just such stupid crap for these scats. And it makes me laugh every time. I mean, you're up there just going, making weird bee noises. Hey, man. It was like a robot malfunctioning. I liked it. And I find it very funny. As the person who did it, I like it a lot.

I thought it was great. A moment of self-reflection. I will say this. It was great. I will say this, Andy. Certainly moment of self-reflection. I will say this. It was great. I will say this, Andy. Certainly one of your best. Hmm. Certainly.

Certainly one of your best. I believe we are, recently, was the pickle in the shoe. So you can't really beat the pickle in the shoe banana. So we went with the next best thing. Welcome into Spitballers. That just means that I don't have to scat again for like three more times because the very exciting return of the owl scat. Hooty-hoo.

Hooty-hoo is coming soon. This is episode 163, which means the next one is 164. Mike, you've got that one. Yes. And then am I remembering? Owl scat everywhere. Am I remembering? Well, look out.

You can find mice bones. In the owl scat. In the owl scat. Because they swallow them whole and then they poop them out. Mice bones is a good band name. I always thought they barf them out. Do they? No.

I think they poop. Owls poo. I assume that owls also poop. But don't they also like vomit up the. Do they? I think so. I think so. I think they also vomit up the- Do they? I think so. I think so. I think they vomit up the mouse bones.

Or those are cats. Right. It might be. Because, I mean, mouse bones going through that tiny little digestive system. It's probably a little bit of both. Yeah, a little poop, a little vomit. All right. Welcome in, everybody.

But I was trying to remember. Was it- What was Owl Scat? It was it some what was Al scat was something about who's that cool cat who's all that my name is yeah there it is there it is which was I'm assuming what episode 80

it was something half ago 88 I think but I want to make sure that it's out there so that people are hearing it fresh just in case he tries to pull a fast one and just do the same thing over and over. Yeah, we'll see what he's got up his sleeve. He's a trickster. Would you rather is this real life?

And we're drafting golf club alternatives today. So you're out on the golf course and whoops, you don't have your clubs. I grabbed the wrong bag. But you do have four random objects. You do have a general store that is everything but golf clubs. That's right. That's right. So we will have some fun with that draft.

Appreciate all of your support, telling your friends about the show. This is a free podcast that people can enjoy each and every week. That's funny. That's the biggest compliment this show has ever received. That it's free? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you can ever received. That it's free? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you can't charge for this, give me a break.

But we appreciate you. Yeah. So 83 was his scat, which means you're not scatting to 166. No, we moved ahead one because he was trying to push it back. We said any time that he speaks ill of his next scat, we'll move it up one. And he has not spoken ill of that scat again. I mean, I just want to throw it out there. Like, if you want to get Jason back, you could speak ill of it,

and then Jason's not going to get skipped. Yeah, and then you get to scat the next one. Well, he would still get postponed. Oh, you're right. That's right. Okay. How are you doing now? I'm doing great. How's life? You just How are you doing now? I'm doing great.

How's life? You just got back from a cruise? I did. It was fabulous. Thank you. Noticed you had the salad for lunch today. Was it a busy cruise food-wise? I gained a few.

You gained a few? Did you take advantage? I've always heard on cruises, since I've never been on one, Jason brings up that you can just order anything all the time. Can you do that from your room, too? Oh, yeah. They'll just bring it to you yep like anything oh dude it's i remember i ordered 12 peanut butter and jelly

sandwiches at midnight oh they came and dropped it off and they were happy to do it it was great yeah i'm sure they were very very happy they pretended to be happy to do it. Did you order anything just nonsensical after hours? I didn't, no. Just to see if they'd bring it. But your wife did. Is that what you're saying? No, no. My son ordered a lot of desserts in the middle of the night.

You did? Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. So here's the phone, and that's the button to call for. Let's explore this. Your son, who is how old? Five. You were allowing him treats in the middle of the night? Vacation.

It's a cruise, man. I don't care what. What? I'm with him. Yeah. Never. More than one night or was this like a one night special thing? It was almost every night.

All right. My children would be visiting Davy Jones' locker. Oh, okay. Maritime reference. If you're not familiar with that, Jim, that means I would have thrown them off the ship. Oh, man. So your five-year-old gained a few then, too. His metabolism is a bit better than mine.

Okay. All right. Well, let's get this show on the road. Well, before we do that, we have breaking news. Oh. Owls have two stomachs. Wait, what? They have two completely different stomachs.

Is this a cow situation? And they will vomit or regurgitate out all of the bones and stuff, and then they poop out the rest. They literally just poop and vomit everything out. So if we had two stomachs we could just eat like a chicken hole and then the bones would get separated in the stomach and we'd

poop them out. I feel like I need a second stomach. So they have one stomach that's like the bound one's enough. One is the One stomach is like the bouncer for the real stomach. You're not allowed in here. No bones allowed. So is that because do they have to eat real quick?

You know what I mean? We pick the bones out of our food ahead of time, but they're like, we got to grab and go. Yeah, a mouse is just one swallow. Yeah, and if they stay on the ground, they'll probably get attacked by something else. That's smart. Two stomachs. Man. Man, we man man we learned we did this wrong this show is

just so fascinating all right let's get going would you rather let me ask you a question mike do you know that bone thing about what they throw up because you had to look at those bones? Did you ever have to do an experiment in science class with that? Because I did. Not that I recall. I had to dig through it. It's there for some reason. Dissected owl pellets in class.

That's what owl had to do. It's certainly very possible. That's what I'm thinking of, Al. So the pellets are the throw up. Yeah. Or are they? Yeah. or are they yeah yeah yeah they are all right can they weaponize those that's a question for another day mike let's move on to elvis let's move on to elvis from the website who asks as an olympic spectator that took a wrong turn after grabbing a refreshment, would you rather be struck by a stray javelin or a stray shot put shot? It's an interesting question.

How? And you've obviously, your hands are full. You got yourself a Coca-Cola. You're very refreshed. I've got a hot dog, man. There you go. Huge. Is that what you call a refreshment?

Yes, it is hold on does does food fall under refreshment it does when you it absolutely does when you're at a stadium uh when i'm trying to the lobby i mean it's it's popcorn and stuff dancing around absolutely refreshments are food and no drinks and yeah they're not. Oh, 100%. I feel like for something to be called a refreshment, when you take a swallow of it, you go, ah. Yeah. So something. We agree.

That's what I do after every bite of a ballpark dog. Jason's right here. I take a big bite and I go, ah. Now, hold on. It does say. Quenched. Thirst is quenched by this double dog. A light snack or drink, especially one provided in a public place or a public event.

I'm glad we're focusing on. Especially provided in public. Yeah. That's where we need to be refreshed. That's where refreshments are served. You don't get a refreshment by yourself at home. You don't go to the fridge and go, oh, I need a refreshment. It's a category.

Like, let's go get some refreshments. Right, but did, okay, so is did they rebrand snack so they could charge more? Because a refreshment sounds far more important and interesting, but it's just a snack. I want to watch Jason

the next time he eats a hot dog, I want to hear the, ah. Like he just finished off a Gatorade. You're going to hear, oh. It will certainly have some throat burps in there. So which, I mean, this question to me comes down to which is least likely to kill me. It's not pain, it's death. My first question was how sharp actually is a javelin?

Super sharp. I'm asking because I don't know. Look at this. The point when they throw a javelin, it doesn't land on the ground and roll. That's true. It murders that ground and sticks in it like a dart on a dartboard. I mean, it's straight up a weapon. So is it sharp enough?

I'm looking at pictures of modern javelins and don't get in the way of that thing. I mean, it's straight up a weapon. So is it sharp enough? I'm looking at pictures of modern javelins and don't get in the way of that thing. Is it sharp enough that if it were to hit you in the skull, would it crack or go into the brain? I'm not sure. Have you seen those hats where the arrow goes through the head? Pretty sure that's going to be more. Those are hilarious. They're so funny.

I mean, even if it couldn't get through the skull, it's certainly going to pierce your heart or your neck. But that's what I mean. So a javelin, I feel like a javelin in the chest area. You're in big trouble. Yes. Because either your heart or you're getting a punctured lung. Ironically, a shot put in the chest area, you're fine. I mean, it's not going to feel good.

Oh, my gosh. What just? Oh, no. What did you Google? So it's happened before. Oh, no. No. No.

No Googling that. No, which one? The javelin. Oh, no. Went right into the leg at some javelin Olympics, and it stuck. It stuck the landing. So the guy's out there just waiting to measure, and then it's Ace Ventura arrowing the leg straight up.

Is he looking like a butterfly in an exhibit? Oh, no. Oh, man. I'm going shot put. I'm going shot put, man. This thing will go right into my body. I don't think you're going to die from a shot put hitting you in the head, are you? Yes.

You're dead. You're dead. You just got to hope that it's- Those things are like 10 plus pounds. Are they? Yeah. But it's not going to land right. It's not being dropped from above you.

No, it's coming with velocity. It's being thrown by a world record thrower of shot puts. It's literally like the hardest that can be thrown. Their entire job is just to be good at throwing this 10-pound ball. Okay. Yeah, you're dead. The only hope here for either of these. The pain is more likely on the javelin because you could be catastrophically

impaled and then feel pain and then die. If I'm hitting the head with a shot put, I'm out. Right. impaled and then feel pain and then die. If I'm hitting the head with a shot put, I'm out. Right. If you get hit below the neck with a shot put, you're fine. It'll hurt. It'll bruise something.

It'll break something maybe. But you're not going to die from that. A javelin, that could kill you. This poor woman, it's right through her foot. I know. I know. What were you doing? Refreshments.

She was on her way to get a dog. You can't blame the lady. She didn't know he was going to throw it that far. Everyone's human. So she has a punctured foot and her lemonade is all over the ground. That's true. That's the big problem. Jason would save it.

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't spill a drop. It's like when the guys have the baby in MLB and they catch the home run while holding the baby. While they still hold it, yeah. He holds his hot dogs the same way. Jason just takes a javelin in the thigh. I better not be holding both a hot dog and a baby

because I know which one I'm holding on to. Oh, no. I'm not dropping my dog. Oh, my gosh. All right. Final answer, shot put. Oh, yeah. Shot put. I think we're there, no. I'm not dropping my dog. Oh, my gosh. All right. Final answer, shot put. Oh, yeah. Shot put.

I think we're there. Yeah. All right. Trevor from Patreon. Would you rather sit on a metal stool with no back for two hours straight or stand in one spot for two hours straight? Both of these are terrible. Yeah, they are.

Both of these are real. I mean, we are so used to comfort. Like, standing for two hours. We don't have small, like, lower backs with capability. There are a lot, a lot of jobs out there where people have to stand for many, many hours. But there's a difference between standing. Or standing still. And standing in one spot.

Like, if you can stand. Can I rock? Owl Borland, I need an official reading on this. Can I rock? Can you shift away between the feet? What is the most I can move? Inside of two square feet. Oh, that makes sense. Like a box. You're stuck in there. So you could sway.

You're a security guard standing at the door in a box where you can't move. But you can shift your feet. I can roll to the outside of my feet. Give me the metal stool. Really? Yeah, two hours? You think your core and your spine are going to hold up?

For two hours, I do. But if you said eight hours, I'd choose the standing. Really? I would be the exact opposite. I feel like my butt would go numb. If it was eight hours, then I'd be like, I'm not going to be able to stand for eight hours straight and take it. That makes sense. I'm going to relax, take a load off, as they say, and sit in a seat.

But if it's two hours, I know I could do the standing. I don't want to do the standing, but I know I could do that. Like, I used to work at a mall cell phone company where you were in a kiosk, and the owners of this company, who were just terrible people. Just the worst. They would not allow anybody to have a stool. You had to stand for your entire shift. What kind of shoes did you have to wear?

You could wear whatever shoes you wanted. You wear sneakers? When I worked at a movie theater, same rule for ticket takers. They would not allow you to have a stool. All shifts were like like six to eight hours and they made you stand and tear tickets why unless you were old if you were an old like oh i'm talking 70 plus like sometimes they'd hire the really old people they could get a stool for what purpose though like well because it gets really tiring standing yeah i always thought it was the dumbest thing getting minimum wage having to stand there i enjoyed it very much but like the person who has to stand what what benefit if i'm going into the movie theater and the the person at who's tearing the tickets is seated i'm not like wait

hold on i'd like to speak to your manager. What kind of establishment is this? It's old school. It is. It's old school. It's about the look. It's about the laziness. Like, oh, you know,

I remember back when I used to fight against that stool rule. It would be... The old stool rule. The old stool rule. The old guys would be like, they don't want to see these whippersnappers sitting down on the job. You know what I mean?

Like, they want the respect of, they want me working at a coal mine. That's what they want. No matter what job you had at the theater, you had to stand the whole time. So it would be, there's three jobs. Tearing tickets, there was standing at the box office, or there was standing at concessions. I liked concessions because you moved. At the box office, you're in one spot.

At concessions, you stood, but you got to walk around. But I don't know why you wouldn't take the stool no matter the hours, I guess. Yeah, no, because there's no back. Yeah, but there ain't no back to standing either. Yeah, something about sitting and compressing the spine. Have you guys seen the pants that have the stool built into the pants? I have seen those. It has been a while, and I would never have remembered that.

But yes, I know what you're talking about. I would like to see you fight the stool rule with those. What's your final answer? I'm standing. Okay, I'm sitting. Yeah, I'm overweight. I'm going to sit down. I'm going to go ahead and pop a squat.

Wait, after all that? I thought we were stand bros. Yeah, we were until I realized. If a stool had this choice, who would choose for you to stand? Then I remembered I like sitting more than standing. I recalled. All right, James from Patreon. Would you rather kill a cockroach with a cotton ball?

Oh, no. This question is not. Kill a tarantula with a cotton ball? Oh, no. This question is not. Kill a tarantula with a pencil. Oh, come on. Or kill a wasp with a single square of toilet paper. Oh, no. Okay.

Okay, these are all bad. Yeah, but these aren't anywhere near in this. Okay. You have to choose one, though. Yeah, so I feel like this is easy, right? Because killing a wasp with a square of toilet paper i'm out that's everyone's out i'm out no no that's my pick what no it is not you're gonna chase down a demon well i'm not chasing it it's landed oh okay if it's just

landed i mean you could maybe do that, but what if you miss? What I'm going to do is I'm going to take my square of toilet paper. I'm going to fold it in half and in half again to get four layers. Put it on my shoe, and I'm going to hold it, and I'm going to get that wasp. Okay, and it'll sting right through that tissue, just so you know. When you squeeze it and you go- No, I go for the head. I pop the head.

Oh, good. So it's but is free to sting you. You know the old saying, pop the head, and then it's dead? That's what they say about wasps. There's no chance that you're not getting stung with a square of toilet paper against the wasp. There's no chance you get it on the first shot. That precision shot under that type of pressure- Look, guys. There's no way you get it on the first shot. That precision shot under that type of pressure.

Look, guys, I've handled some loss in my day. Obviously. Mostly with pool noodles and not with toilet paper. Obviously, we know that the tarantula is out. Yeah, I mean, that's, I wouldn't, give me a shotgun and I wouldn't pick it. Tarantulas don't bother me. Would you be holding that like a knife? Like a stab motion, like a knife with a

pencil? Is that how you would get it? Yes. As opposed to holding it like a pencil? Yeah, and like autographing the... Or you mean like a dart? Yeah. You could try to throw it at it. I think you're going full stab. Can I choose javelin? But I'm out on that. You've got to be

too precise. It's got to be the roach the roach can fly and it's big not all cockroaches can't fly certain ones can certain beetles can fly average but a cockroach doesn't fly which is a different sentence than the first one you said well i didn't say that there's not a species of cockroach out there that you said cockroaches can't fly cockroachesroaches don't fly. Generally speaking, a cockroach. I feel like the gigantic sewer ones can't fly. I am admitting that there are certain kinds of cockroaches that can fly. I love Google.

I'm not saying there's none. What I'm saying is that the standard cockroach, when people think of a cockroach. The standard non-flying cockroach cannot get off the ground. Here's the point to me the the size of the cotton ball you got to remember that's teeny a cockroach is probably four times the size of that cotton ball yeah but so now you got to go after it you got to do multiple squishes with a cotton ball you're going to get cockroach goo on you you're definitely getting goo on you and there's legs there's. Oh, there's so many legs. Right?

But they can't hurt me. This is the only- Well, long term. Sure. They disease you. I'm going to wash my hands real, real good after getting the goo on it. I promise. But my point is-

Hard candy shell? Like, it's hard to break- Hard candy shell. Hard to break through? I feel like there are three options here. One of them can't hurt you pick that one yeah because the wasp can sting you and the tarantula will give you a heart attack pain matters did you ever do the uh in the pool and this could be something we've talked about i don't

know we grew up in arizona so there's everywhere, and there's wasps everywhere. Did you ever try to drown a wasp? Impossible. Why don't we talk about this more? No one is talking about this. Wasps don't breathe. No, no, no, no. They go underwater for 20 plus minutes. You bring them out, and they're like, yeah, cool.

Thanks for the bath. Because you'd use your pool net, and you could grab one under there, and you put the pool net at the bottom of the pool. You come back at the end of the day, it's alive. How is that possible? I think it's scuba gear but i'm not sure i do really small it's really small scuba gear i don't know how they manufacture it but it is freaky some of those and the same thing has i've seen it happen with spiders too i don't know if like they make a bubble of air as they go underwater that they survive in, or if they just don't need oxygen. How do we know so little about insects?

Look, I've found scorpions at the bottom of the pool walking around. I think maybe all insects are fish. They don't breathe? What is going on? I don't know. Are all insects fish? I think they are. I think there's a chance you might be right.

I think that we don't know what things are. Oh, my gosh. I feel like a yellow jacket. You could put that underwater up against like a dolphin. Right. And the dolphin would go first. It has to come up for air and the wasp chilling at the bottom of the ocean. I don't understand how this is possible.

Wait a minute. Is that what shrimp are? Or seahorses? Have you never realized that all seahorses are wasps and all wasps are fish? That's what I'm realizing. All of those things. A lobster? And crap, they're just giant insects.

Yeah. They look exactly like bugs, and yet somehow people decide they want to eat them. Insects are the worst. I don't like them at all we we go up north into the woods and it's just like there's there you dislike them many most of all there's so many bugs i don't like bugs no no but i will kill a cockroach with a cotton ball mike final answer Yeah, the cotton ball. All right. You're still taking the wasp?

I'm taking the shot at the wasp. Okay. I feel most comfortable with it. One is all you get. I believe that you will kill it, and you will come out alive. Okay. Good enough. Stung.

Stung. The thing is, I think you'll make it out without getting stung, is i think you'll make it out without getting stung but that 15 to 20 minutes of pure anxiety will take so many years off of your life i think i think cockroaches are closer to the category that spiders are for jason for me oh really i find them to be okay here we go atrocious and i don't like things that you could like stomp on 10 times and then somehow you like pull your shoe up and you're like, it's fine. That's all you got? It's fine underneath there? Like something wrong with that.

By the way, I don't know if this backs me up or you. Do cockroaches fly? The very short answer to this question is yes. The short answer? That is a very short answer. Most species of cockroaches do have wings and many of them can fly, but choose not to, basically. Wait a minute.

All right. I've got more details here for you. But my question here is, so these cockroaches, they can fly. They're like, nah. And they choose not to fly? Well, it's the same as they can swim underwater forever, and they choose not to live in the ocean. Well, some of them do. They go in the sewer.

Yeah. What I'm reading is American cockroaches are wingless and incapable of flight in the immature stage. Adults have useful wings and can fly for short distances. I'd say I was wrong. Okay. That's a first. But it is the first time I've been wrong. But they don't choose to fly.

Yeah, a lot of them just, the food's better on the ground, man. Well, they were already bad enough, and now they're like rubbing it in our face that they can fly, and they're just like, nah. And don't get me wrong, they may not fly on you with the cotton ball, but they're probably fluttering, and you get a fluttering, ooh. You've got to live with that. Oh, man.

Blake from the website. Would you rather always have a meeting at 6 a.m. on Monday mornings or always have a meeting at 5 p.m. on Fridays? Oh, I think my answer will surprise you. Because you're going to say 6 a.m. Monday morning. That would be the one that would surprise you. Okay, what if I told you you're not allowed to skip this meeting? Yeah, I'm going to take that meeting.

I ain't never showing up. I'll take both. I'll take the Friday too. Come on. How many meetings you got? How many meetings you got? Line them up. I'll miss them all.

I don't care how many meetings. Why are we talking like this? I miss 30 meetings a week. Here's a working man's voice. That's the poison man. He's allergic to poison in meetings. Yeah. My thinking here.

Say Yosemite Sam. Well, I'll be darned. Well, I'll be darned. You're telling me I'm missing meeting. I can't come to that meeting. I've been poisoned. All right. I am with you.

I go 6 a.m. on Monday because that is, to me, mentally the start of the week. I want to get out on Friday. I don't want to have to have a little – like my brain is gone on Friday afternoon. So you don't do a little bonus party on sunday a little a little one one last hurrah for the work week you're saying the 6 a.m would would be uh damaging to that yes it would nope i don't here's the thing i'm in bed by nine um i feel like i need a 6 a.m mond Monday morning meeting because I won't miss it. I will get up for it.

I will be ready for it. I will hate it. Oh man, it's going to be the worst. I'm going to hate it every Sunday night. Mike, you're right. I'm going to go to bed just so upset that I have this meeting, but I'm gonna get up for it. I'm gonna be ready for it.

I'm gonna be dressed. I'm gonna be there on time. And then I'm up early. I wish I was a morning person I wish like like I know both of you are are good at getting up Andy you're usually you've done four hours of work by six in the morning um I wish that I was like that because I feel like my day would be so much more productive but I need that to be like mandatorily imposed on me like it's a court ordered me exactly i need the court to order me to get up at 6 a.m every monday good to be at the meeting by

6 a.m and to stop eating so much if the court can just order those two things i think i would i would be a better man let me be the counterpoint here. Okay. Because you'll get up fine. I don't know that you'll be there, but you're saying you'll be there. Confident. You're not going to be waking up early the rest of the days. So your body will not acclimate and become used to waking up then. It'll just be terrible every Monday. And it's not just, well, I'll go to bed early on Sunday. No, you will wake up Sunday and go have your breakfast ago.

Now, yeah, crap. Tomorrow's Monday. I have to be up early. That's going to be in your head. Oh, that doesn't matter.

I'll go to bed at midnight. I mean, I don't go to bed early to get up early. I just wake up earlier and get less sleep. What's funny, Mike. So on our other show, The Fantasy Footballers,

which, by the way, if you play fantasy football, check it out, we were talking about the fact that Mike and I don't use alarms. Like, we haven't needed to use an alarm this whole, like, off-season.

And then school's about to start, which means that we're getting up all early. And you gotta put the alarm on. I didn't have to. Wow. Okay. My body auto-woke up an hour earlier both days this week

wow i don't know how that works now wait a minute so you're telling me you woke up before the alarm or you just you didn't set it didn't set it wild man yeah i think i'll do it didn't even set it isn't that crazy that's a certain level of confidence to be laying there, and all it takes is one press of a tiny button to make sure you wake up on time. You're like, I could do it. I could do it. The question is, if he set his alarm, would his body have woken up naturally? I had an alarm. We'll never know.

I had like a 7 o'clock alarm set for like a year. Every single day I was turning it off while I was already sipping coffee and at the computer. That's where I was like, where is your alarm clock? On my watch. Oh. Yeah. But anyways, anyways, I'm going to go 6 a.m. Monday morning.

It's easy. I'll be up for two hours already. Yep, same. All right. Let's move on. Oh, wait, Mike, you have the final answer. Yeah, I'll take the 6 a.m. You don't want that Friday ruined, huh?

No. Friday's for partying. But so is Sunday. I'll take neither. Yeehaw. Is this real life? All right. Is this real life is back.

Once again, each of us have found a very interesting, shocking, surprising, out of this world story from real life that we're going to share with one another in React. Do we have a volunteer to go first sure okay you're cackling so you probably well hold on hold on if yours is that good should you wait that's sure i'll hold on i'll start all right i'll be the anchor for the relay yeah yours sounds very funny mine is more like kind of mind blowing. Okay. Ooh. Um, the, the headline of the article says scientists. Oh, already mind blowing. Yeah.

Have taught spinach how to send emails and it can warn us about climate change. They hold on. Now this, are this what? Yeah. We've, the spinach are plugged in to the matrix through nanotechnologies. Engineers at MIT have transformed spinach into sensors capable of detecting explosive materials.

They're able to wirelessly relay this information back to the scientists. So when the spinach roots detect things in the groundwater or components that were part of landmines so people plant these crops, it can send an email. So you're telling me the MIT scientists, which anytime you hear something crazy going on, it's happening at MIT. Always MIT. MIT, we need to look into this further. But you're telling me they figured out how to get spinach to wirelessly connect to the scientists.

To the internet. Meanwhile, every time my phone flips from LTE to 5G. You're disconnected. I have absolutely no data service at all. That's correct. MIT, fix my phone. And while you're at it examine the wasps living under the water thing

yes yes get a bug study at MIT now see I have a problem with who wrote this article is there an author willing to put Martha DeFerrer well look Martha why are you attacking Martha

no matter what name i said he was coming out yeah whatever the name was i was gonna say it derogatorily um because the headline makes it seem to me like spinach are writing emails like the spinach is composing you know what i mean like to whom it may concern another day in the field i spinach will recognize something in the soil today but it's really spinach are are sensors yeah and then they're they're they're programmed to send an email i mean it's a good headline i get it martha you gotta get them clicks read the headline again uh the headline says scientists have taught spinach how to send emails and it could warn us about climate change yeah yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna stick to my mind thinking spinach is just composing beautiful eloquent emails the article's picture is

a giant field of spinach but then they put like the three lines of cell phone coverage above it okay a petal is not a petal Signed, Mr. S. S. Piddich. Yes, yes. All right, Mike, what do you got? All right, so it's an interesting article. There was, you know, you get some, in the old U.S. of A., we get some wild arrests for people doing some bizarre things. But I'll start with the location.

It was at a Kid Rock concert what's happening so first of all kid rock apparently still out there still doing shows uh number two still a kid now i was gonna ask about that shouldn't shouldn't this be like grandpa rock yeah at what point when you? When your stage handle is Kid Something, is there an age threshold where it should be mandatory that you have to change? Yeah, like Lil Wayne. Can he just be Wayne? Yeah. When does he grow up?

Big Wayne? Senior Wayne? Senior Wayne. Go on. Go on. Okay. So back to the Kid Rock concert. So there was a pair... Kid Rock is doing stuff. So if it's not, the problem is, I mean, the problem is definitely Kid Rock.

Like, the fact that a Kid Rock concert is happening. A case of the giggles over here. Oh, man. I'm sorry. It's derailing here. You can't even concentrate with me over here. So a Kid Rock concert is happening. And we also...

You know, but you just start laughing and it's... Now you're laughing because you're laughing yeah yeah that's that's where you're at well you got a funny story to share here soon so and we also have uh drafts frequently on this show where we do a battle royale and we and we uh we're famous for it we we fight with strange objects well apparently there was a man who uh it was was got into a bit of a scuffle with the police and he decided to get the only weapon that he had on him and it was grabbed down at the waist oh he pulled out the old colostomy bag no what no what he's swinging it around swinging it around and one of these poor unfortunate

policemen got a poop bag he took a shot oh but eventually the man was apprehended oh my gosh that is that is beyond that that's like chemical warfare to a different level i i i grew up in a house i i think i've shared the story well is that weird flex bro i think i've shared this with everyone but i grew up in a house that wasn't the end of the story oh my gosh okay so i grew I grew up... Not to brag. Not to brag, but like... So I grew up in a house. No, I was derailed myself by wondering if I've shared this story or not on the air. I can't ever remember.

This is like episode 7 billion. But I grew up in a house that was, to continue the sentence, a retirement home. My mom had. And there was someone in that home. So there's colostomy bags around. There was one person at one point in time that had a colostomy bag. And I'm telling you guys, I was in a room built inside of the garage. Four walls inside the garage.

A room in a room. If that colostomy bag was being changed on the other side of the garage, four walls inside the garage, a room in a room, if that colostomy bag was being changed on the other side of the house inside, I knew it. And I did not know it subtly. That is a nightmare. It is unbelievable. So this war, this colostomy bag war that this Kid Rock person fought out. So he was a good weapon.

Oh, yeah. So MIT, the colostomy bag people, they need your help. Yeah, let's make them email you. Let's deodorize here for these people. Oh, okay. I'm full. Dear to whom may it concern. I am full once again.

I just got an email from my bag. Okay, all right. Well, I'm glad he was apprehended. Now, what is the charge if you do they add a charge to it it's gotta be chemical warfare is it yeah i mean it's assault with a deadly weapon of some kind yeah okay all right my article reads bear bites woman through toilet in outhouse what what a bear no yeah this is this is real life um no and of course this is in alaska right because that's where that's where the bears are right um so this woman goes to sit down on the

toilet in an outhouse okay and immediately there's your first problem yeah that's that's that's not so uh i'll just read her quote i got out there and sat down on the toilet, and immediately something bit my butt right as I sat down. But here's the better part. I opened the toilet seat. No. You looked. And there's just a bear's face right there at the level of the toilet seat looking right up at me through the hole.

Oh, my gosh. Could you even imagine? When you said this, I thought this was like a bear that bit through the outside oh my god could you even imagine when you said this i thought this was like a bear that bit through the outside of the right house because it got a little no because bears live outside they don't usually live in the sewers i'm guessing that bear was smelling the colostomy bag down there now i get what you guys are coming from but let's can you imagine being this bear it's probably trying to hibernate it found its own cave found a bad spot man and then someone comes in it's just trying to take a dump in your house not again not this time

so you know what i don't blame this bear one bit there's not a i mean you present arms they're hard fighting back there are things that could happen where i don't know if i was in that situation i could believe them as real and looking down at the toilet and seeing a giant bear head biting i mean it's one of those things that's the funniest picture to me is just looking at a toilet and seeing a live bear in my toilet because that's impossible. So I don't know how outhouses work, to be honest. It's just a big hole.

Imagine it's a big hole. It's a big hole. And then do they just put the outhouse on top of the big hole? Yes. So do they not see the bear in there when they put the outhouse on? They just trap them in there? I don't think they built see the bear in there when they put the outhouse on? They just trapped him in there? I don't think they built over the bear. No, they look for bear caves and they build outhouses over them.

I'm just saying, if the outhouse is built, how did the bear get under there? He probably climbed in through the toilet. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I feel like a bear is too big to fit in a toilet. This is why they say don't leave the toilet seat up. This is what can happen.

Yeah. I mean, you always hear like, oh, there was. Put the seat down or a bear might bite your butt. Okay. Well, those were fabulous and terrifying. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right.

We are in a high. Oh, this is. We've upped the ante here. We are in a high-stakes. Oh, we've upped the ante here. We're in a high-stakes golf competition against one another. We need to fill our golf bag with four tools, I guess. Objects. Yeah. Golf club alternatives. And square off with one another.

Now, I don't think that there's a one-on-one for this one. I really don't. I have two. When you're on the golf course. Two picks total. Oh, two. Okay. When you're on the golf course, if you've never played golf,

you need a variety of clubs. You need drivers to hit the ball really far. You need putters on the green to tap it in, and you need generally irons on longer holes to hit the ball on approach. Yeah, not as far as a driver. Right. Now, it's pretty easy for me to come up with a bunch of things I can putt with. I think that's the layup.

That is the easiest one. But I guess I'm going to make a hockey stick my first pick. Yeah, that's the 101. That is the 101. Because you can swing that with more force. It does have a blade on it, so I think I could use it in the midrange to cut the ball up towards the green. It's a great pick.

And you can putt with it. If it's good enough for happy, it's good enough for me. All right. So then I – look, I'm out of the way. I've got my hockey stick as my first tool in the bag. And, Mike, it's time to hit the leagues. Okay. I said I had two first picks,

and hockey stick would have been the one I went with. I feel like this one, it's not as good as a hockey stick because the face of the blade is not shaped right. But, I mean, let's be honest. With a regular golf club, I don't know where the ball is going to go when I hit it anyway. So, whatever. So, I'm taking a shovel.. So I'm taking a shovel. Okay.

I'm taking a shovel. Now is this just for my mental- It gets a good distance. For my mental picture. There's a couple, there's two shovel types. You got a spade or you got the square? Yeah. Which one has the flat bottom?

That's the square one. I would guess the square. Yeah. Take that one. So you got that one. All right. All right. I could see that.

You might get some loft. Yeah. Okay. I'll get a good roll. Maybe it. I could see that. You might get some loft. Yeah. Okay. So don't get a good roll. Maybe it's your pitching wedge. Shovel is on my list, but if we're out here and I don't have a golf club, I'll use that as my excuse that I'm going to lose, even though I would have lost if I had golf clubs. Look at all you guys with your golf clubs.

But what I'm going to pull out to swing first is a three column golf trophy. I'm going to take a tall three foot trophy that is a, oh, look at this. Look at this award for golfing. So you think that because it's a golf trophy, it has a golf club on the top? No, no, no. I'm using the base of this thing. I'm just using it to taunt I'm gonna say I don't even I don't even need your you okay you're using a trophy to taunt I thought you were

trying to cheat yeah no no no no I'm I'm just no what is what is this oh it's my golf trophy I guess I'll just have could you imagine getting out there setting the tee up and then someone comes out with this three footfoot-tall golf trophy, smacks a ball? That's me. Yeah, but that ball would also. It's not going very far. It might be your putter.

It's probably my putter. It's a real awkward swing. If you win, though, you do have the prize built in. Yeah. All right, second pick. So since I got a putter, I need a driver. I need something with a hefty head that I can really get some momentum going. And I loved this game as a kid.

I don't know where it went. I think it was from the 1800s. The X4? No. Oh, I know what you're talking about. You smart man. But a croquet mallet. That was on my list.

It's on my list, too. Yeah, I'm going to smash that ball. That's not bad. Get it down to the green, pull out my golf trophy, and really send a message. I mean, to be clear, a croquet mallet, what it does is hit the ball on the ground, a big ball. So you're probably driving with it, but it's just rolling the whole way. That's fine. Yeah, that's not bad.

It was on my list for sure. It was definitely on my list. It was bolded on my list. Well done. Much better than a golf trophy. was on my list for sure. It was definitely on my list. It was bolded on my list. Well done. Much better than a golf trophy. That one's more for show. Mike, you are back on the clock. All right.

So I have the shovel. The situation with the croquet mallet is, and it's on my list, actually making contact with the ball. That could be a problem. It could be difficult. And I'm not the best golfer. I already said that. So, look, I need some assistance.

So, I'm going to take. Why are you now? Well, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to take it. I'm going to take the broom. Okay. I will take the broom. Push broom or like a standard?

No, classic straw. No, I'm taking a classic straw broom because that's where I paused because I was like, well, I don't want this to be my putter, and a push broom would have to be a putter. But, no, I'm taking a classic broom so I can swing it just like my shovel. Okay. I think in some ways when you're on the green, if you're not a great golfer, you might just want to broom the ball right into the hole anyway.

And I can broom off the path between the ball and the green. Oh, it's double purpose. Yeah. Is that allowed? Oh, yeah, absolutely. If you're using a broom as a golf club, it's been allowed by the PGA. Do you guys ever do the – when you go putt-putt golfing and you take your putter and slam it in the ground

and try and drag a line between the hole and your ball so there's just a tiny little... No, you're the only one who tried to ruin some... I have no idea what you're saying. I'm saying try and create a tiny little trench divot. Oh, you're literally... You're ruining the course for one hole. You're trying to step on the club while it's...

No, I'm not trying to step. He's saying he's dragging it in the grass basically to give himself a divot for the ball to go in. Yeah. You never did that move? I haven't. Nobody's ever done that move. That's not true because I have done that move. Did it work?

Of course it works. Well, then I will do that move. You're welcome. Oh, my gosh. All right. So I have the hockey stick. I've got two picks. One is an easy pick for me

because look putting is all about balance and there's an object that exists that i think would be really good at being consistent at putting and it's a sledgehammer i could hold the sledgehammer and whatever you need some weight yeah whatever momentum I have, it'll just pendulum forward in the same way. I see Al shaking his head. He agrees. Yeah, I totally agree. Okay. It's like a croquet mallet, but it's got a heavier tip.

So for putting, it's really, I think, going to be great. A putt is all about the controlled motion, man. You don't want to have force. You want the putter to do the job. I feel like you could use that as a driver. Well, I'm going to give it a shot. I will break my ankles. You're going to do that one time, and you're going to fall over swinging a sledgehammer?

If you miss with the sledgehammer, you're spending three times minimum. Oh, no, I'm letting go. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to hurt myself. You have a javelin problem. Yeah. All right, so I've got the sledgehammer. I have the hockey stick.

Now it gets a little more difficult because I'm building a bag here, as they say. And, you know, I had broom on the list. That's a good pick. I think what I'm going to go with now is something that, look, I might not hit it 100% of the time, but I need the potential to drive it okay so i'm gonna go with an aluminum baseball bat okay i feel like that that is built to swing fast it's lightweight it's not gonna be a hundred percent i feel like you're the fact that it's a round object like it's a cylinder it's gonna be a problem it's gonna be

a huge problem never going straight your sweet spot is very small it is it's like a millimeter i mean to be fair a baseball's round two but it's much it's a much larger object yeah can we get super large golf balls on this course we need sports science and someone pitch me the golf ball now i'm gonna go with the aluminum bat because i couldn't think of something that could hit it. Like, if I hit it right. Oh, you're launching it. That thing's hitting as far as a driver. Yeah. So. You're going to smash it.

For sure. I wonder if I could hit a baseball farther than I could. I mean, hit a golf ball farther than I could drive a golf ball. Like, if you pitch me a golf ball, could I hit it farther than I drive it? Probably not. I don't know. That's interesting. Yeah, I have no idea.

Wait, if you pitch a golf ball at you. Yeah, you could hit it further. If you just toss it up lightly to me and I swung a baseball bat as hard as it could, would that go farther than if I hit my – you've seen me hit a driver. Yeah. I'm thinking no. I'm thinking the golf – You think the driver? The golf –

I mean, it is – the driver's made to hit a golf ball. Yeah. It does a great job. Yeah. I wish I – can I take a golf club? All right. So I have hockey sticks, sledgehammer, aluminum bat, Mike. What are your two picks so far?

So I have a shovel and a broom currently. Okay. And now I'm going a little bit off the beaten path, but I'm going with an object. I may just have this thing on me. And if you want to talk about something that I can taunt people, imagine I reach over my shoulder and I pull out my guitar. I crush a drive, and then I crush just a nasty riff. Oh, baby. And then hit them with a power slide. I mean, they would have to quit.

There's a good chance that you could cheat and move the ball a little bit while you're throwing down a nice riff. A little distraction? Yeah. Although, now I'm picturing your golf bag. That's a bit of a mess. You've got a big old guitar head sitting out there. You've got a big old broom sitting out there.

And what was your other one? A shovel. Oh, yeah. That's a heavy bag. Okay. I'm buff. I do have a sledgehammer. Yeah.

All right. I've got a caddy, too, though. I call Al. All right. This one, I've got questions caddy too though I call Al Alright this one I've got questions about the rules Because The other side of the golf trophy I can't necessarily Put it in the bag

But if I didn't have A You know a club and I've got to hit this ball This is what I want. This is the object I want to use. So I think it's legal. You want Felix the cat's bag. I don't know the reference, but maybe. I think it's an infinity bag.

Yeah. Go on. You don't know Felix the cat? I would like to use. He's a wonderful, wonderful cat. I would like to use my leg. That is what I would like to be able to. I want to kick the ball.

You can't do that. Why not? I mean, you can't go out there. All stroke rules would apply, though, I mean, if he hits it. Yeah, I mean, it's normal. I'm just saying. That's what I'm saying. Would you be removing the leg in this situation before you use it?

I would not be removing my leg. Okay. Wait for my next pick. But I would just be, I think I could putt with it well, and I could, you know, a good fairway. I'm going to allow it. I'm willing to allow it. Mike, are you on board?

I'll allow it. Well, Al, are you okay with him using his leg? Sure. I mean, that's going to be a ridiculous sight. I would say the golf rules say it's illegal, but I would like to see you out back there trying to line up like a field goal. Yeah. And then just taking a rip and landing right on your butt.

Oh, that'd be a blast. I mean, you condemned the baseball bat for its kind of cylindrical shape. Your foot's not going to do a lot better. Oh, I'd be using the inside of my foot. Oh, you're not going very far. If we're going to allow him to kick the ball, what stops somebody from throwing the ball? Oh, it'd be different. Yeah, that would be different. Right, but I'm saying I don't think Oh, it'd be different. Yeah, that would be different.

Right, but I'm saying I don't think either of those should be allowed. Oh, okay. Final answer. He's taking it. Oh, wow. You just dropped the real person. Okay, all right. I will remember that.

He just coughed a bunch of mouse bones all over you. All right. Well, then I'm going to go with a horse's leg, and it is detached. You have a detached horse leg? Yeah, because the hoof. because the hoof best pick ever the hoof i think could get me out of the hoof is on fire it could get me out of the i'm gonna i plan to be in the sand a lot and i need something that can kind of scoop it out a severed horse leg so a severed horse leg oh i'm glad we turned down the other one because now we got severed horse

leg i was gonna take it with my i was to have my leg and a horse's leg. Very lucky. But you were right. The lucky horse's leg. It's like a rabbit's foot except it's way luckier. Jason, it's the horseshoe. It's not the horse's leg. I was with Jason.

I was like, Mike's forgetting the rabbit's foot is what it is. Oh, it's the horseshoe. Oh, yeah. The horseshoe. That's right. What's that? That's my lucky horse leg. I walk around with a horse leg around my neck.

All right. All right. One more pick. Severed horse leg. Got it. I'm going to take what Andy should have taken instead of the aluminum baseball bat. The wooden baseball bat. Right.

Close. You're not far off but the problem with his is that it's a cylinder and it's round and you can't control the direction the ball goes oh no but a cricket bat yeah it is a nice long flat that's a great paddle so between my cricket bat my horse's leg my golf trophy, and my croquet mallet. I think I'm clearly playing better golf than I've ever played before. Well, you went with the very class, like for these drafts. That is a classic combo, the cricket mallet mixed with the severed horse leg. That's right.

So you comboed those well. I went chalk. All right, Mike. The chalk of the golf club alternative draft? Yeah. You've got one final pick. All right, Mike. To talk of the golf club alternative draft. Yeah. You've got one final pick. All right. And when you're golfing out there, I mean, I know you can take the cart,

but aside from that, there is a lot of walking out there. No doubt. There's a lot of hills. You don't want to take the cart before the horse. We are on fire today. But as I say, when you're walking, maybe you got a bad hip. Well, what if you could solve the problem of that and use something that already looks like a putter?

I'm taking a cane. For sure. You flip that thing upside down. But blam. It looks just like a putter. I thought you were going to take crutches. That would be far worse. I really did think you're like, oh, you got a bad hip. You in a cane, I thought you were going to take crutches. That would be far worse. I really did think you were like, oh, you got a bad hip, you need a crutch?

No. All right, a cane's a great pick. Wow. You flip that thing upside down, that's a putter. You know what? I'm actually going to take my putter. I'm going to start using it as a cane. You can.

I mean, they pretty much are the same exact thing. Now, Jason, I have one final pick left, but I'm curious. Did you do a lot of examination as to which severed animal leg would be the best? So I did, and I thought a donkey leg would be the best. Oh, really? I did. But you didn't take that. But I thought a horse's leg's far funnier.

Okay. So I went with a horse's leg. Not a hippopotamus leg? No, that's too big, Andy. Okay. The hippo. We've got some extra laying around the donkey versus the horse yeah it was this you thought the donkey would better because it's shorter i think it was

a little bit shorter easier to swing and the hoof unwieldy the horse leg i think the less lucky that's for sure being small uh would be helpful okay great now i get to have one more pick here i have another what i think is a great putter but I have I don't need another putter that's my challenge here not that I'm really over I don't want to overthink this very important draft um all right um I'm gonna go with the tree branch okay I'm gonna crack a tree branch right off and give it a swing, ding, ding. So that's what I've got. All right.

Tree branch to round it out. Jason, why don't you read your four off here so we can sum up this spectacular draft. I have a golf trophy, a croquet mallet, a severed horse leg, and a cricket bat. I have a shovel, a broom, an electric guitar, and a walking cane. That's very nice. I have a hockey stick, a sledgehammer, an aluminum bat, and a tree branch. Some other things that I wrote down, I thought a crowbar would be a nice miniature putter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be good. I thought a two-by-four could be used. It could. It could. I had written a pole vaulting pull-down, but I think that's a really long. That's very long. That is super awful. It would be funny to watch.

Wait, now would you try to use this in a normal golf game? Yes, yes. So you're like over on the other green? I'm swinging from 20 feet away. And a sickle. I thought about a sickle. You're not lifting it. Oh, yeah.

That's actually pretty good. Like a scythe? Yep. Nice. What is the difference between a sickle and a scythe? I believe a scythe... A scythe has a back on it, doesn't it? A scythe is the big grim reaper.

Yeah. I feel like a sickle is smaller. That's only a cell. Sorry. There's a vacuum, a mop, and a snake. A vacuum? I also thought about a snake. I wanted a snake.

That'd be good. You get that real whiplash at the end. You get a real whip on it. Maybe it grabs it in its mouth. You carry the snake to the green. Yeah. I was going to go with a Swiffer because I wanted the sponsorship. I wanted to go out there and say like, you know...

Oh, sponsored by. NASCAR, they sell their car real estate. I want to go out there and be like, my driver's a Swiffer. Yeah, that's why I wanted to have the Dyson. Yeah. There you go. My last one for if you wanted a, you were saying you had a miniature putter. What if you had a miniature, miniature putter and it was a snorkel?

You'd be bending over. But at least it's the right shape. I wanted a pool cue, but I would do pool style. I would lay down on the ground. I had pool cue on my list, too. Not too bad. Not too bad. All right.

We're thinking about tin cup too much. Is there anything, Al, that you had on the list that we're just fools not for drafting? You covered a lot of the ones I was thinking of. You bet we did. What did we learn today? Oh, my goodness. What did I learn today? I learned that bears hibernate inside of vout houses. It's warmer in the poop area. Yeah, my goodness. What did I learn today? I learned that bears hibernate inside of vout houses.

It's warmer in the poop area. Yeah, no question. It would be very warm. And do bears care about smell? I don't know. I learned that owls have two stomachs. And I learned that owl is on my bad list for taking my leg away. You watch out this week, owl.

I'm after you. Okay. I wonder after you. Okay. I wonder if it was really cold. I mean, and your choice is dying out in the wild or climbing into an outhouse. You would go in the poo. Yeah, you'd have to. Tauntaun style.

You gotta do do what you gotta do do. Oh! Please come back next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.