Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: My Noble Gas & The Best Elements - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

Spit Hit for August 4, 2022: On this episode, we talk about playing board games against professionals, becoming pregnant, dirty underwear protocol. We also talk about how to prioritize a friend’s feelings over financial gain. We close down the episode with a draft of the best elements on the periodic table. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's Spit Hit, we're going to talk about playing board games against professionals, dirty underwear protocol, and we're going to break down, like, do you prioritize a friend's feelings or do you prefer financial gain? Enjoy the show. Hey, make sure you subscribe. Make sure you follow the podcast and tell your friends, because here we go. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

Scoop, doop, scooby-dooby-doop, come on! Welcome in everybody Oh man, your face told me you were I thought you were feeling that scat so much you were about to just jump in I did think about dropping a little dee-dee-dee at the end You should have Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Yet another fabulous episode. Back in studio. Jason Moore is here.

Mike Wright. I'm Andy Holloway. It's nice to be back in the studio together. To be able to not have to look at a Zoom screen. Yeah. Like that's my favorite part. You're not enjoying my company, my presence? You're just so close to me.

Oh, I mean, we've got to be able to hold hands, or else why would we even be in person? Welcome into the show. We have Would You Rather on today's episode, some life advice we're going to dole out. Always valuable, because when you think about it, almost everybody has a life. And they can apply the advice i have been told i've been told to get a life right and did you i not sure how do you even know how does one measure that can you go someplace and they'll tell you yes sir you you do have a life now yeah i mean this is the place where you arrive for those conclusions mike i can inform you you do have a life!

I know. I put the suspense on it for you. When you unsubscribe from World of Warcraft that is the moment in which you got a life. You've obtained the life. What is this feeling? It's a life!

They pay a lot of money for life advice and they go to professionals for that advice. And now you lot of money for life advice and they go to professionals for that advice. And now you're getting it for free. And this is like high quality, really important, should always take it. Understated, but really important.

Life advice. We have a draft today, which I think will be really, really fun. It's going to be a wild one. This is up there with the best colors draft for me. So I'm excited. I'll be honest. I felt a little uneducated, but we'll get there.

We'll get there. It's been a while since I've taken some high school chemistry. It's not. When you have to start the show with the scat. That means you have the 101 in our draft. And it's not always where you're really happy you have the first pick. But you are.

But I mean, in a draft like this where there's such a clear first pick. There is such a clear first pick. There is a clear first pick. You both agree with that. 100%. I have no idea. I don't know that Mike has any idea either. Oh, you don't know whether Mike's even right. clear first pick there is and there is a clear first pick you both agree with that 100 i just don't know idea i don't know that mike has any idea either oh you don't know whether mike's even right we'll find out it's gonna be fun um but i i have asked al borland who is here al say hello

what's up spitwads um i have asked him to vet our answers because there is the chance on today's draft that somebody misfires i will be honest when i was creating my list i put something on there because like of course this is an element and then we are drafting the best elements on the periodic periodic table and after i put it on my list it's like i don't think that's actually and were you you right? It wasn't? Yeah, that is not. Yeah, I had one written down that was wrong as well. So we'll go over our invented. Unobtainium. No, it's a real thing. It's just not actually an element.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Now Jason's like, wait. Now I'm worried. That can be. Now I'm Googling. At SpitballersPod, if you want to follow us on Twitter, appreciate everybody who has left us reviews.

Subscribe to the show. We do read them all, and they make us happy. All right, without further ado, let's jump in. Would you rather? All right. Our first would you rather question comes from one of our patrons old mcdonald says would you rather personally carry to term and birth one additional child or have three additional children the traditional way how many kids do you want in your house

and how many do you want in your tummy so wait just to be clear this question is really specific to us would we personally rather carry determine birth one child or just like our wives carry determine three additional children so we we all are fathers of three your family will either Your family's expanding either way. But is your body expanding? Are you taking it to six? I'm not worried. I don't give a crap about the body expansion.

You're carrying it yourself? No, I'm saying that that's the problem. I watched my wife give birth to all my kids, and she did two of them. We did a home birth for two, which that's an unnatural thing with no painkillers. It looked unpleasant. It looked very, very unpleasant. Two thumbs down? I mean, I hurt. And I didn't even.

Right. I was just. You almost passed out. Yeah. Her physical pain was so intense that it transferred over to me. And I was like, man, we should really be worried about what's going on with me right now uh so the the actual thought of having to do that like i i think one of the best parts about being the dad is you not doing that it's not you don't do the pregnancy part i mean you get out of it But is it worth having three more kids?

That's a lot of more kids. And these aren't triplets, okay? So you're going to be adding and adding and adding. That's more. It's about double your current kids. It's about double, but it's also about the length of time, right? It's not just double. It's probably three solid years of the newborn well you're gonna what what age do you get out of diapers is that like three

and a half three and a half three so i don't remember anymore the the quickest i'm still in them the quickest that you're getting out of them are what would that be like five and a half years yeah yeah more of diapers or i carried a term right and you know a couple years from now we're moving on where our family is able to you know once you're potty trained and talking then you're a human what car are you driving oh man you gotta drive a clown car you're gonna need an industrial sized van yeah you would and i know people that have this many kids and that's what they purchased okay they purchased things that you should buy if you're running an HVAC company. You got no business putting people in these vans.

Well, what company are you opening? There's no windows. Just too many kids HVAC. There's just benches on the side, and you strap in against the van wall. I guess I would go like a small school bus at that point. Why not? That'd be pretty cool. So to answer this question, I mean, I, you know, the birth process will be difficult

from an anatomy standpoint, but I'm going to go C-section. I think that's kind of, you're kind of, oh, you're going C-section. I'm going C-section for sure. I'm scheduling this thing. And when is that, when are you due? I'm going C-section for sure. I'm scheduling this thing. And when are you due?

Yes, that's the other nice thing is that now I have an excuse for my belly. Oh, this is all you, but you got nine months of eating whatever you want. That's right. I'm eating for two, baby. Oh, no. I'm putting it down. My baby's going to be healthy. Also, hair growth is excellent when you are pregnant. Oh, is that nice's like nice oh yes gosh

my wife's hair was unbelievably thick and healthy yeah but then you have the child and kind of the opposite happens jason like hey i'll take nine months of good hair because i already have like my hair is already nine months of good hair and eating whatever you want you you are the perfect candidate to get pregnant. To a junior. Yeah, I'm going to junior over here. I will be Arnold Schwarzenegger with a baby. Give me one because I'm not dealing with five and

a half years of more diapers and waiting to be able to go out. You get to a certain age where you can. I just want you to end up with triplets. It's not built into the question, but somehow halfway during the term. It's one additional. I know.

Yeah. So where are you two? I can't add three more children to my life. I will endure whatever stretch marks I will get. I will endure that pain, that recovery. And I will remind the family every day. I'll remind my wife, I saved us from two kids. I guess I'll take three the traditional way.

All right. No way. I know. All right. Jeremy from the website says, which game would you rather play for cash? All right. So you're playing these games for money. Scrabble against an English professor.

Ho, ho, ho, ho. That's where I'm going to fail there. Jenga against a structural engineer or Operation against a surgeon. I feel like this is really easy. I'm playing Jenga. It's Jenga. A structural engineer. Look, I am no structural engineer, but I promise you I understand the structural engineering of Jenga.

He's not getting a leg up on me because somehow in his studious going to a university for architecture, he's now like- All the square blocks are the same. Listen, I have a secret as to why these blocks stay up. No, we get it. There's three blocks across. I have a minor in Jenga. So here's the thing. I thought originally when you were reading this question,

it was going to be against each other. Yeah, I did too. Scrabble was O-U-T. I am not good at the word game. I play some Scrabble. It's fun. I suck at Scrabble. Oh, nice.

I'm so bad at it. Yeah, that's the one I want then. You guys have anybody in your family that is like the savant at word games? My mom. Yeah, my stupid wife. My brother-in-law is that way, and you can't play any. I don't care if it's Boggle or Scrabble. No, Boggle's the one that we've... The beginning of our marriage, first few years, we played

a lot of Boggle. Did you? And then we decided decided stop playing boggle or get divorced how much of uh words with friends did you guys play and pretty pretty good amount when that swept i mean and if you don't know what that is it that's it's called scrabble it's scrabble but you're playing on your phone against someone who else is on their phone and that means they are not watching you play oh so you can cheat oh you're jason you're saying this like you're just thinking of this now the question was going to be how what percentage

of your playing words with friends was actually you playing or you just going into one of those dictionaries i have a i have a pretty strong no word game rule so i did not get into words with friends what if i had i would have cheated. Oh, absolutely. Because I really do genuinely enjoy winning. It's one of my favorite things. And I don't like to lose. And so this is why I don't play games like word games, because I am bad at them. I think a surgeon would actually be better at operation.

And I think an English professor would be better at Scrabble, but I don't think a structural engineer would be better at Jenga. Comes down to, for operation, it's shaky hands. I got shaky hands. Do you? Yeah. I've had them my whole life. I got a little shake.

Okay. So I can't do the operation. Are you guys good at Jenga? Am I good? Am I bad? I don't know. Has anyone actually played Jenga in the last 10 years? I have.

I'm very good at Jenga. What? Yeah, I'll take you guys down. Okay. For money. Oh, yes. Only for money. Do you play the small scale or do you play the bar game with the giant blocks?

It's more often in recent history is the giant blocks, the outdoor game. But I don't count that one. Right? Like, that's not Jenga. No, because that's Jenga. Jenga is a game, in my opinion, that is who will randomly be selected to lose. That's the way. I mean, Jason's nodding.

I get it. You know what i'm saying it's like uh any of those games where it's like you know eventually you run out of moves right yeah you're saying like at some point it's going to the person will it will land on someone where they have a much more difficult time because they you know you got to get the middle block is drawing the short straw to me it's yeah it's the equivalent of if we had a bunch of blocks and we just stack them and it was like keep stacking them whoever stacks the one before it falls

loses that would be random yeah it's not completely random yeah there's there's some there's some skill there all right yum spray cheese from patreon says would you rather always have always have the painful tingling of a foot that's asleep or always have the feeling that you just hit your funny bone? So yesterday, I dealt with a really severe case of my right foot being asleep.

It was incredibly painful. A severe case? I didn't know that there was severity now was this like a sleeping event no it was literally right here it was it was i know i recall it now that you mentioned it yeah i was sitting in this seat it's it i think it's a skill that you were able to get your foot to fall asleep not toilet related because that's the only place i can think of where where do my feet fall asleep right because you're like cutting the blood off of your legs the porcelain so hard well yeah and

it's your if if you are leaning forward that's when you're oh is that is that why they invented the soft uh the soft toilet seats no that's hemorrhoids that one's for that one's for the h um but the uh you know, I totally understand. It's usually on the toilet, but oftentimes it's because of the phone, especially if you are going to put your arms on your legs. 100%. If you put your arms, you know, if you're resting your arms on your legs, now your legs, all the blood is being cut off.

You're just squeezing it. What about the explanation for yesterday? So yesterday, it was after the show. I'm sitting in this chair, and because the show was over, I'm leaning forward, totally take a toilet posture, and I'm on my phone, arm on the leg, and I get up. I hope it was just the posture. Little mess in the seat, but you're missing the point here.

The point is less about the urine and potty, more about the right foot that fell asleep because it was excruciating, and I don't remember it ever being so lopsided. It was only my right foot. One foot. One foot. It's always two.

That's totally, you get, hold on. You guys are talking about a whole different universe. You have both your feet fall asleep at the same time? It's not just your feet. It's your entire leg. Oh, yeah. Because you're cutting it off at a much higher point. I'm talking about I sit with a foot underneath me sometimes.

On the toilet? No. It gets a little messy sometimes, but it elevates me. I can see better from up here. I had moved off the toilet. me. I can see better from up here. I had moved off the toilet, but no, you've had the midnight wake up with something asleep though, where you slept on the shoulder and the arms asleep. Yeah, that happens too. I can't seem to hold my phone up laying down in a bed without like an arm going to sleep somehow. Really? I've never had that one happen. Yeah. Well, it's a circulation thing.

Yes, because you're so tall. Clearly, that's the issue. I think that I was going to say the funny bone is a much more severe... It's devastating. In the moment, it's devastating compared to the kind of, I can live with it, but it's really uncomfortable of a foot asleep. So I'm not going to go... I'm going to go permanent foot asleep. Although I have had on more than one occasion where it was both legs were gone and i stood up from the and i've i've almost eaten it

several times i'm there with you where the legs are just all the sudden because because the nerves aren't working and you're not you're not feeling clearly you're both pooping for way too long periods of time look we don't all have squeaky clean bowels over here, Mr. Golden Intestines. Sometimes I like Arby's. You live your life, I live mine. I just can't believe you both are dealing with, like, you're basically semi-paralyzed when you get off the potty. That's 100%.

If we had to jog, 100% broken nose. No chance that I don't smash my face. What do you do then? Do you get to the ground and inchworm your way to the bed? Yeah, you know the scene from Wolf of Wall Street where he's crawling on the ground? Owl. Owl Borland. Have you felt anything like this? Yeah, he said yes. Yeah, I just

messaged and said, make that three quarters of the people in this room. I can tell you I have not lost half my body on the potty. Half my body on the potty. All right. But that being said, I will take the sleepy legs because a funny bone is a 10 out of 10 on the. And I don't do that as often as I used to. So it's even worse now.

Hitting the funny bone? The funny bone doesn't happen. It used to happen a lot as a kid yeah as a kid i was trying to think i there's like one very particular instance where i i remember everything i was a kid and i jumped off something and i hit my elbow and it was horrific but i don't know the last time i've actually really dinged my funny bone we can work on that all right a guy peeing behind a dumpster from Patreon. Okay. All right. Okay. So this one comes in from Andy.

Would you rather spend 21 days on Naked and Afraid, the show, in a jungle, or play 21 NFL games as a punt returner? Oh, man. With your clothes on. And pads? Do I get pads as well? Awesome. I really thought this was going to be as a punter.

And I think I would have accepted as a punter. Yeah, of course. Because. That's why it's not that. Right. Because the punt returner is a dangerous game. Yeah. But I'm also.

That's 21 games as a punt returner. You're not going to come out unscathed. Unless you take a fair catch every single time. Oh, there's no rule against that. Absolutely. In which case, if you want to go that way, you are naked on the field. Yeah, I think for this game, you've got to say you're actually trying to return it. Oh, man, I am going straight to the sideline every time.

Oh, you're not getting to no sideline? No, there's no way I could ever get to the sideline. I don't think if they punted it to the middle of the field and a super long punt, and the rule was all I have to do is get to any sideline either way or the reverse end zone without being touched. That's all I've got to do. No, you could not do that. There's never a chance I would ever make it. It would be so fun to watch you desperately try to get to the sideline

because you turn laterally and you run as fast as you can straight laterally oh man i'd be doing quarterback slides as a punt returner is there any chance i mean you're blurred on naked in a phrase is there any is there any chance the three of us so we do 21 games as an nfl apartment or do we make it out alive yeah yeah paralyzed okay yeah same as the potty situation paralyzed from the waist down i i think i could i could make it out alive i am 265 pounds right now okay i can take a hit i'm not saying i can run away from anybody or do anything of of substance i'm also not saying it's gonna be easy or no no problem getting tackled by an NFL player. But I

look, the gunners... You could take a wallop. The gunners here on the punt team, those are the small, fast guys. And they're going to smash me. But it's not going to be the 285-pound guy plowing me down. I'd be in trouble. You'd be in more trouble. You'd probably break in half.

I'd probably lose some limbs. I need a rundown on what goes into Naked and Afraid. I've never watched it. I assume there's nudity, and I assume you're scared. That's what I've gathered so far. You're basically dropped in a forest, and you have no clothes, no shoes, nothing. You've got to survive. Okay, so this is just a random survival for 21 days?

But it's you and a stranger. Wait, I have to be nude with a stranger? Yeah. Get. It would have to be. Here's the deal. I would die in that situation. I would die of shame.

Much quicker. Now, the blurring they do on the tv does that come with you and is that in real life too right because if I could do it's actually just this plastic sheet you're wearing that uh kind of has a it's fuzzy a blur that show is the most perfect example of modern television right let's come up with let's get Bear Grylls, but let's mix it up and you're naked out there. It's too easy. I would make some clothing real quick. Did you guys hear about the

new show coming out, Naked and Jeopardy? It's just, it's Jeopardy, but the contestants have to be blurted, so it's like, can you answer these questions in your shame? Alright. Also, I'm taking the punt return, and I just realized I will never be tackled. You'll probably get And so it's like, can you answer these questions in your shame? All right. Also, I'm taking the punt return, and I just realized I will never be tackled. You'll probably get paid more.

I will never be able to catch one of those punts. Yeah, that's also a good point. I will be fumbling and muffing every single punt coming my way. I think the second you drop it, you're like, fair game, though, to get smashed. Yes. I'll lay down. All right. We have another segment coming up before that a

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Spitmolers to the rescue. All right. Before our very important and special draft, we do have some life advice to dole out. And we talked about this. This is important. This could define the rest of your life if you listen to it carefully. I don't know what the question is.

Mike from the website says, I have just found out that I'm going to be a dad to a baby girl. Oh, fantastic. Congratulations. You guys all seem to really hit the mark as cool dads. That is right. What is your advice on how I can be the hip new dad on the block? And secondly, what should I

avoid? What's the most uncool dad thing that you guys have all done? Oh, brother. void what's the most uncool dad thing that you guys have all done oh oh brother uh i i i can everything i do is cool so right that's what i was gonna say i can honestly say like i don't think i've ever done an uncool thing now is it uncool to me or to my children they've now reached the age of embarrassment which is awesome uh that means you can do absolutely anything you want and the worse it is the better it is

because it's on purpose. I think the worst thing you can do is actually try to be cool. Does that make sense? You're the cool dad unless you're trying to be... That's part of being cool. You can't try to be cool. You just are cool.

That would be the most embarrassing thing. You know what I mean? Like, your son or daughter has a friend over. You're just trying to be like, I'm trying to be a cool kid. Come out with your letters. You guys want some Twizzlers? Leather jacket on. You're like, ooh, who wants pizza pockets?

Hey! Is it just Stamos now? It's Fonzie, but close enough. i mean but he he wants to be cool he wants to be the hip new dad on the block just be you man yeah but he's not very cool probably oh not everybody's cool and his name mike that's obviously you're up against it yeah that's tough um well first of all um you're gonna want to get a couple books on dad jokes. I can recommend some for you. Oh, yeah.

You need to brush up on that. I think that's going to be. I've had these dad moments in the last few weeks where I've had to pick up the kids from school. And I'm not proud of this. But I go to pick the kids up. And you've got to go in and sign the kids out in the front office and both times i am saying to myself please don't ask me their teacher's name please don't ask me please please whatever you do don't say what class is he in because i'm about to

be so embarrassed because I can't remember. You got to know your kids' teachers. At one point, you know my memory. I got three kids. There's a lot happening here. It's been a long year. They've had different teachers. But both times, I didn't think about it before. I could have done the research beforehand.

But I go in there and I go, oh, no. What if they ask me what class to get the kid out of I can't believe they haven't asked oh I know every time I've signed my kid out you have to give the kid and then the then the teacher's name I just write you know do you really no oh I was like I could see that it's like oh there'd be a funny joke oh they're never gonna look at it yeah that's that's that's surprising that you don't know you... I mean, I know. I think I know some teachers' names. I'm not sure which is which.

Okay. We haven't been on campus a lot this year, okay? Okay, that's fair. Here's a... I'm just perusing my arsenal of dad jokes over here. Cool one, though. For Mike, you can hit your daughter with this when she's of listening age.

She listens to the show. The baby daughter? The baby girl? She should listen to the show. Oh, the other Mike. Not you. I was talking to the questionnaire, Mike. The Mike from the website. What kind of ice cream is bad

at tennis? What kind of ice cream is bad at tennis? What kind of ice cream is bad at tennis? I don't know. Soft serve. Oh, all right. All right. Man, that makes sense.

Go get some tattoos, Mike. That'll make you cool. Stay cool. Adam from Patreon. As I was getting dressed for work this morning, I realized that I am all out of clean underwear. Been there. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, we've all been there. Uh, should I put on yesterday's dirty underwear, which is only one day old, or should I go to the hamper and pull out last week's dirty underwear that has been worn, hasn't been worn in seven days. So this question is fundamentally is recency the most important factor or time to air out? Like seven days has something happened that's positive

in seven days to that underwear? And the answer is no. No, the answer is absolutely. Oh, it's better for seven days to have passed? It is absolutely. Way better. Adam, number one, you're going to have to get over it.

You're going to have to go full in for the smell test. Whoa. Oh, yeah. I'm willing to risk without the smell test. Yeah, I'm not doing the smell test. Oh, you got to do the smell test. Whoa. Oh, yeah. I'm willing to risk without the smell test. Yeah, I'm not doing the smell test. Oh, you got to do the smell test. Wait, are you smelling the crotch?

Yes. The front and back. You got to get in there. Not just a general, like, do I smell it from here test? No. That's what I would do. You got to get in there. You got to check it out.

Then you got to go in the hamper. Put it over your head like a mask. Wear it around. Try it on for a second. I'm telling you, you will be happier if you find the least smelly pair and you put them on. This is a psychological endeavor. This is not about smells. Both pairs should not be worn.

That's the truth. In a perfect world, you're putting on a new pair of underwear, right? But he's out. Right. That's what I'm saying. So he's commando. So no, no, no. At this point in time, it's psychological. And here's what you do. You begin by taking the pair that's on the ground. That's one day old. And you move it to a place that's higher, like on a counter or on the edge of a sofa. Always want to put your dirty underwear on the counter. Go on. Then you walk away for a little while. And then when you come back, it will appear to you to be slightly cleaner. It will seem a little bit.

It's moved from the floor to a location where maybe you set something clean. Why don't you just fold it, put it in your drawer? You can do that. Leave for a bit, come back. That's totally fine. I have one more pair. That's what I, it's psychological. Both pairs should not be worn.

Do you inside out them? That's the right, it's psychological. Both pairs should not be worn. Do you inside out them? That's the right call. Interesting. But then you're getting your jeans or your clothes. Which is fine. Like direct contact, which they never have. It's one day. There's penalties.

So you end up throwing away those. No, you can wash the jeans. Well, look, Adam, I can tell you from recent experience. Inside out, huh? Yeah, I mean. I've heard it. I've never, I don't know if I've inside out. Never been down that road. No. experience. Inside out, huh? Yeah. I've heard it. I've never. I don't know if I've inside out.

Never been down that road. No. No, because I smell test. I ordered. Breaking news. It smells, Mike. Oh, I know. But you got to find the one that smells the least.

Oh, no. That's gross. Have your wife smell them for you. We've been playing pickleball recently. Honey? No. Honey? You love me, right? Are these clean? All right, go ahead, Jason.

We've been playing pickleball. You guys should know this story. It's very recent. It was from last week. I know where this is going. I ordered some awesome new underwear. Love them. They came individually packaged they're

very fancy and so gourmet i grabbed a pair uh of my brand new never before open or worn underwear packed my gym bag went played pickleball gotten blah sweaty um i am a sweaty man in all phases of life. But I play sports and watch out. So I come to the studio. We shower. We get ready. I go to change. Now, I'm an XL man.

And I open up these brand new underwear that are individually packaged. And my order was incorrectly given to me as a medium and i'm telling you this was a medium so i have a decision to make i have soggy bottom option nasty wet can wring them out shorts can't do it can't do that commando is an option and just go look i can't i don't have underwear to wear there's no option there's the public to think about there yeah or i mean i'm still wearing pants hey one layer or um i try to put on these mediums so i go with option three and i put on the mediums they were tight and i come out i tell you guys a story in about five minutes later i can't breathe anymore we're back to the

numb legs yeah your legs were purple we went commando and so adam i would say do your laundry and go come in ken from patreon i've been waiting for a very important personal phone call all day at work this call had large personal financial implications i finally got the call and headed into the break room to answer it when i walked walked into the break room, I saw a good friend alone and crying about something. We made eye contact just before I did at 180 to take my call somewhere else. How should I have handled this situation? Okay. Large Personal financial

Sounds like a pretty important call Is there any hand signal You can give somebody if you're on a personal call To somebody that's crying that tells them I'll be there to care for you soon Can you give them the one second No Hold that cry

Hold that tear I don't think that's going to play well Can you give them a virtual hug No this has to be Hold that cry. Hold that tear. I don't think that's going to play well. Can you give him a virtual hug? No, this has to be a gasp at what you just heard on the phone. Maybe yours news is as bad or worse than your friend's. And then you turn around and you're just blown away. Okay.

I like where this is going. Now who's got the problem? Did they come to console you? Because if you're both crying, who really is the one that needs to console the other? I think you got to gasp and then throw out a, they what? Oh, no. Disastrous. Well, now we're overselling it a little bit too much.

Who died? No. What you do, what about a no? Owl's going with, I'm on my way. Oh good that's good that'll work um what about a note what have you scribbled something like i brb i am so and i am worried in that situation that my attention would be pulled away from this important financial if i'm'm writing a note, I'm not listening to this phone call, and so I can't go there. I really need to focus on this call. This is big financial implications.

Yeah, but your friend is crying. Yeah, okay, but hold on. This person has been listed as a good friend. Yeah. And I, as a good friend, if something devastating had happened to me and i would just found out and then i saw you guys leave it i'll be like what was that all about and but we would it would be all right because because you are good friends you're understanding

and you would simply say mike i was waiting for this call there were large financial implications and I would say oh I totally get it I respect your large financial implications because I am a good friend now that person might say yeah cool cool cool yeah you're getting a new house gotcha yeah my yeah that's what I was just realizing is that whatever

is causing the cry yeah it might not be minor and then you're going to feel way worse later yeah but i can't change it now i can't save nana no no you can't but i can't still close on this house okay that's a good point mike you i mean nana can't come back we'll deal with that later i gotta lock my rain in no i mean that makes sense um what a good friend you are, Nana can't come back. We'll deal with that later. I got to lock my rain in. No, I mean, that makes sense. What a good friend you are. I just can't imagine that this place isn't

this important financial call. They're not willing to call you back. That's the solution. I never thought about that as an option. Oh, hold on. My friend just had some really bad news. Call me back in five. But you've been waiting all day.

You're not getting that call in five minutes. Okay. How about this? How about this? And now it's 3.25. Enjoy your interest rates. Oh, man. That's a lot of money, Andy.

That's a lot of interest over the life of the loan. Over 30 years. Yeah. What if you do this? Look, you've been waiting for the call. Make them wait a little bit and just say, oh, I'm so sorry. Can you hold on one second? And you hit that mute button and you test the water.

But you give it a five second. What's going on? And then you just determine, oh, this is serious or they're being a baby. And then you're like, I won't. You know what I mean? He 180'd and walked out of the room. So what I would do is I'd get this person in on the same call.

Two birds, one stone. Three-way call. Call your friend that's crying. They hop on the financial call. You could two birds, one stone. Three-way call. Call your friend that's crying. They hop on on the financial call, and you can talk to both of them. If you've got a good enough rate, that just might make them even more sad. I just locked in a 4.5. Oh, no. I'm on a 5.75. All right.

Why are interest rates changing so fast? Oh, no, Nana and this. All right. One more quick break before we jump into our draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We are drafting the best elements on the periodic table. You know, something that we know so very much about.

There's a number of elements on there, and we're going to draft the best. How many? Just how many elements? I'm going to guess 144. Okay. Pure guess. Okay. In my head, it just went guess 144. Okay. Pure guess. Okay. In my head, it just went to 128.

Okay. This is literally just a- I don't know. This is a high school guess. I'm not cheating. We know Jason will cheat, but go on. No, no, no. My hands are up.

I'm going to say- Do you have a chart in front of you? What? What? How many did you both guess? Yeah. How many did you? I'm asking.

I guessed 144. 128. I go 129. Oh, is it 129? It's 118. Oh! Oh, Bryce is right. So Mike wins.

We all lost. Yeah. All right. The best elements. Now, there are factors here in play. There are cool elements. Yes. There are bountiful elements.

There are some real stupid elements. Yeah. So, Mike, you get the first pick. And you said there's a definitive 101. I'm trying to play myself into Mike Wright's brain. Because he's a bit of a science guy. I'm trying to think. I think you're going to

prioritize the essential nature of an element and not the cool factor but we'll find out right now well mine is coming through with all of those things and it's coming through with a bunch of danger on top of that okay I can go back in time with this element

if I need to I can power a city with this because it's radioactive my man i am taking plutonium okay plutonium baby are we that's an element right yes yeah that's that's the one i thought wasn't well someone needs a brush up on their science because plutonium is uh not a natural occurring element i believe is the situation because you have now uranium is part of it though isn't it and uranium is an element correct well no uranium is an element and plutonium is an element they're both elements yes okay so i got to the point where plutonium was it's a great pick i'm taking now that I know it's really an element. I am taking PU plutonium.

Stinky. And I get a nice bonus. Yeah. All right. Okay. All right. I had three, like there was a, there's a, there's a top three to me and that wasn't in there.

I'm not saying it's a bad pick. Um, mine glows my man. Yours is going to be popular, uh, with the with the science crowd um but i'm going to be honest i'm going to take the the true best element okay the actual most important element i'm not going to mess around here uh it's not the fanciest it's the most common in the universe it makes up almost three quarters of the visible universe in weight. And yet, it is the lightest element. What are you doing over here, Wikipedia?

I am telling you, Mike, zero Googling, zero anything. This is pure, already knowledge I had. I'm a big fan of hydrogen. I can make bombs. I can make the universe. Hydrogen is everything. Hydrogen is like the main building block of our universe. I'm thankful that you took that.

It's also number one. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I have hydrogen. It's on my list, and it's the only one that actually has a note, and the note is, it's number one on the list. There you go.

I was a little worried because my number one that I'm going to go with here, and I guess I have two picks, so that's kind of cool. I'm going to go with carbon. Carbon is my number one pick. That's a good pick. Diamonds, come on. Us? We're all?

Yeah, we are carbon. All of us, 20% of. Carbon life forms. We're all stardust, man. I've been called carbon life form before. Life, diamonds, what, coal? Hands, diamond. Yeah.

All right. So I will go with carbon as my first pick, the essential building block. And what I do like, and I recognize, because carbon's on my list as well, what I recognize about these is you want to be first. It's unfortunate that I wasn't hip enough to realize what Twitter was going to be, and I could have grabbed at Mike. You're one of the OGs. But I mean, carbon's coming through.

What's the short for carbon? C. That's it, because that's how cool it is? C. That's it. Because that's how cool it is. C. Hydrogen has that too with the H. You don't need a further abbreviation. I don't need another letter because

it's C. I always feel like Tuesday and Thursday compete. They do for sure. They're so stupid. All right. So carbon is number one for me. This is where it's difficult because I've got some sneaky picks that I think will come back to me. I mean, there are two home run picks here. Yeah.

All right. I'm going to go with gold. Yeah. I'm going with gold. It's the one that makes the least sense to come back to me. Yeah. Who would never would have? Never.

It's incredibly shiny, guys. Have you seen gold lately? I hear it's very valuable. It's wonderful. It's valuable. It's... Now, but the symbol, though. The symbol throws you off.

The symbol's the stupidest. What is it? I don't even have it up. Is it AU? Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. What? Gold.

That's because somebody saw it one day and went, oh. I believe that is from the Latin word for yellow is the origin of the AU. No, no, no. It's from, oh. But it's not yellow. It's gold. I know. They are two different colors.

That's what I'm saying. This is a bad pick. Back then, they didn't know how to. This is a bad pick. AU. This is a bad pick. AU. I'm being swayed.

It's not a great one. It's swayed it's not a great one it's yellow and it's real great one uh no I'm going with gold you guys can uh take your bitterness out on me later it's really the only thing I had against the gold pick is is the stupid also you're just wrong yeah owl has correct comes from the latin aurum, meaning gold, which makes more sense. Dive deeper, my friends. All right. Yellow. You drafted yellow.

I am up, and I'm going to take – look, I thought there were a big three. Gold was one of my big three. Obviously, hydrogen is one of them, as I took. And I'm taking oxygen. I mean, we all need it. It's a great pick. It's everywhere. Hydrogen and oxygen.

I can do some things with this. You need a little bit more oxygen than the hydrogen. Well, that's going to be tough because hydrogen is everywhere. I thought about going oxygen with the carbon. I just didn't want two basics. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I just got- I wanted something shinier.

I just got water. I literally- I know. I got an't want two basics. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I just got... I wanted something shinier. I just got water. I literally... I got an extra thing. Yeah. Man. I could buy a lot of water with my gold to tell you that. Not if I've got all the water. Alright. Mike, you are back up. You got two picks. Oh, man.

I was hoping one of those at least would come through. Alright. Including oxygen? Was that on yours? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was hoping one of those at least would come through. All right. Including oxygen? Was that on your list? Oh, yeah. I mean, if I were making the case for oxygen, it's the big O. If I were making the case for oxygen, fire would be part of it. I mean, you need it for fire.

That's true. It is the fuel. Yeah. All right, Mike. So I'm going to dip my toes here into some metal. Yeah. Dive deeper. Are you literally going to dip in there?

Yeah. Well, I'm going to get in the metal game. And I get it gold. It was everything for a while. It's kind of all busted now. Totally. And we've moved on. Bitcoin.

We've moved on to better metals. Yeah, gold is worthless. You got to get that platinum, my friend. Platinum. Because you're getting your jewelry. People don't want gold jewelry. You get platinum jewelry now. Way better.

Yeah, we had to change my wife's wedding ring, her band. We had to change it to platinum. Like her engagement ring was platinum. That's right. But then her wedding band was gold. Oh, which one did you get rid of? And she had an allergic reaction to the gold. Oh, no.

Because gold sucks. And it took us 14 years to change it out. She literally would take the ring off for like two weeks, put it back on, take it off, put it back on. We fixed that problem. Oh, man. So I have one. So you're going platinum.

I'm going with platinum. Okay. Platinum is very shiny, very pretty. That's PT. PT. All right. I will take the PT pick, please. I have a pick that I have.

I guess I will just take. Wait, so you have PU and PT so far. Oh, man. Oh, goodness. Is there any more Ps on there? I mean, there are definitely. You can get palladium. Very nice.

Jinx. Did you guys just science jinx? Science jinx. I love Michael Keaton. You're supposed to say I love Bill Nye. There are some other Ps out there, Mike. I'm sure you can find them. Throw them at me.

Throw them at me. Lead? You can go with lead. Oh, lead. But lead is just. But PB. So peanut butter. It's as dumb as gold. All right. I'm sure you can find it. Throw them at me. Lead? You can go with lead. But PB. Peanut butter. It's as dumb as gold. Alright, I'm not going to take it.

I've got the one that I... You've had it out for gold all your life! I'm just a little nervous that it's on your list and it won't make it back. And I would just be too devastated if it didn't because... You could just go with P too. Wait, what's the ogp phosphorus

oh that's pretty boring phosphorus just jason's platinum boron take some phosphorus more like borophyll um what do you got so speaking i'm gonna stick him with the uh the theme of pretty and when uh when you go go to Vegas and it's nighttime. Oh, okay. I'm taking those neon lights, baby. I will take neon. I will take NE. I have no idea if it was on your list, but I can't leave this draft without taking it.

It was an emergency pick for me. I got to get it. So that's NE. Yes. Number 10. I can see that. I can see. Of course you can because it's neon, Chase.

That's fair. I can see it Number 10. I can see that. I can see. Of course you can, because it's neon, Jason. That's fair. I can see it a whole lot easier than my oxygen. All right. Okay. Okay. I was worried that you were. There's two that I kind of want left. One, I thought only you would pick.

I don't think I worry about Andy, so I'm safe there. And it's a late round pick. It was nothing special. Okay. It's not even good. Terrible pick. That will be coming shortly. We don't know what it is, and now you have just down talked your pick.

Yes, I have. Instead, I'm going to go like you and Mike with a medal. Except, you know, you're platinum, you're gold, you're soft. I'm titanium. You're gold. You're soft. I'm titanium. Okay, friend. I mean, I'm getting like my wedding ring, you know, get a nice titanium band. I'm going to be protected completely. So my titanium, you know, you put that in, I don't know, do they put it in trucks and

stuff like strong things? You just had to keep going, making your case. They probably used that in the big metal sticks. They put that in lead pipes. There's that lead. Darn it. All right. So what are your selections so far?

I've got hydrogen, oxygen, and titanium. Okay. And Mike, what are you up to? Plutonium, platinum, and neon. Okay, and Mike, what are you up to? Plutonium, platinum, and neon. Okay. And I have carbon, and I have gold. Oh. And I have...

Oh. Oh. I have a decision to make here. Two of them, actually. And I'm going to go with the only metal that is liquid at room temperature. Do you know what it is? Oh, I assume this is mercury. I'm going with mercury.

It's cool. It's toxic. Yeah, enjoy your death. I mean, yeah, yeah, plutonium over there is just fine. Yeah, I think it's cool. It dissolves gold and silver, believe it or not. Oh, so that's not a good pick for you. Well, no, I mean, I'm not dissolving myself.

I couldn't let you get it and dissolve my element away. Did you know? Volcanoes spew it out. People used to play with mercury. Do you know that? Yes, I do. My dad played with mercury as a kid. The term mad hatter, or mad as a hatter, it's related to mercury

because somehow they would wash, somehow they would wash furs in mercury or something. Interesting. And then so it would end up going into the hats. That's crazy. I used to drink the juice out of thermometers, and it was like. The juice? Yeah.

And. It's like a glove. You crack that thing open. Now, you know, of course, because I have a theme going on, more like complex, nuanced, neat, cool elements. Oh, there's a theme going on? Yeah, here's the theme. Do you want to know what the abbreviation for Mercury is?

It's obvious. Yeah, I would love to know. It's HG. Oh, man. Mr. Wells. So Mercury, yeah. Mercury. That's my pick. Wait, do I have another pick?

You sure do. All righty. Really didn't need to wait for something to come back then, did I? Nope. He's going to go sulfur. All right. The stinkiest of the elements. Don't bait me into sulfur, guys.

You've got PU. You should have gone sulfur. Sulfur smells so bad. Yes. Have you been to a national park where they have the, like the bubbling pools? Like, uh, I have not. I've farted though. I create sulfur.

Um, no, you don't do you? I don't think sulfur comes out of your butt. Jason. I do. I'm not saying that's what happens for people. I'm saying I, you personally sulfur. Yeah. Um, and you sulfur through it. Oh man man i was thinking it and i didn't want to

say it all right i am going to go with helium i'm gonna go with helium okay not only does it make your voice funny when you yeah when you uh talk with helium in your lungs. Coolest element. And we're rapidly running out. Liquid helium forms at negative 269 degrees Celsius. There's a helium shortage. There has been. Now, are they going to make more?

I don't think that's how it works. This is no laughing matter, Jason. Okay. Helium is the one I'm going to go with. And yes, they just have to... How do you get helium? You dig it up? I don't know.

Well, I feel like if you dig it up, you got to be careful because it will float away on you. I think that's why we're running so low on helium is it's all flying away. They all miss the string. It's extracted from natural gas, a byproduct of radioactive decay of uranium and thorium. Oh, that sounds like something I shouldn't have inhaled before. I mean, because I've sucked a lot of helium out of balloons before. That does not sound safe. When you read that again?

It's extracted from natural gas, a byproduct of radioactive decay of uranium and thorium. Radioactive decay in the lungs has to be good get this much of the extraction in the united states and the world comes from underground gas fields in texas in kansas wow all right there you go so i will close out my elemental draft here carbon gold mercury helium all right i know where i going. I thought this would be my fourth pick from the get-go. The only person I thought might take it might be Mike. Mostly just because it's a cool name. It's a cool place. Oh, yeah.

I'm going Krypton, baby. I thought about it. I don't know what it is, but I know that it produces something that can get in Superman's way. It kills Superman. It's a noble gas. Oh, yes, it is. Which I always thought was an interesting get in Superman's way. It's a noble gas. Oh, yes, it is. Which I always thought was an interesting category in the periodic table. These aren't just gases.

These are noble. I also create Krypton. You're thinking of Kryptonite, right? No, I'm thinking of my noble gas. Oh, you make a noble gas. Just so many fart jokes. Apparently, here, I'll help you out. Krypton's a part, because it was on my list makes up lasers oh oh that's cool it's also part of part of the atmosphere on a certain red planet

krypton i thought krypton was green but okay i thought it was green too mars okay so tomato Okay. Tomato, tomato. And, you know, KR. So very traditional. All right. I like it. Makes sense kind of elemental abbreviation. Well, fellas, I am baffled. I am baffled that this element made it back to me. I'm going to take another metal.

I'm going to take Fe. Iron. I'm going to take Fe. I'm going to take Fe. Iron. I'm going to take Fe. I'm going to take iron. Yeah. Which I think is stronger than titanium. Probably not. I'm not sure.

I don't think so. Look, they make real strong stuff out of iron, right? Does iron corrode? You corrode. All right. Don't talk about my iron. Fair point. It rusts.

What? It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts.

It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts.

It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts.

It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts.

It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts.

It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. It rusts. What? Emphysema Al over there. What the heck? I just got to tell them this immediately. It rusts. Oh, man. Hey, that's the symbol of gold. He's not happy. No, he's super upset. All right.

Hey, here's some of the not drafted but exciting elements to me that I didn't mention. Magnesium. Okay. Because it burns underwater. Oh, magnesium. That's pretty dope. That's fireworks, right? I don't know.

I'm pretty sure about that. Could be. I had sodium. Yeah, I should have taken that because I love it. Yeah, I figured sodium would go in this draft. No wonder you took the lightest element. Projecting? Hoping.

And then silver was on here, but I... After gold. I could have taken silver after gold. You get in second place. I had to go to platinum, which we all know is above gold. Is Al still here? No. He has passed on.

Let me check. Oh, he is still here. Okay. All all right did you have any more jason i really just wanted to get to sodium um it's one of my absolute favorite things how did you not take sodium i was really captivated by superman okay at the end of this draft so uranium and plutonium are both elements they're two up two away they're just not naturally occurring correct uranium is isn't uranium naturally occurring ah you're asking not a scientist now what i had talked about at the beginning of the show was um i was just you know like metals or elements it's like oh well perfect I'll draft steel but that's

a combination of what iron and something yeah it's like you are taking stuff out of iron you guys scared me because when you know I've been doing all my research just looking at the periodic table and then I thought for a second at the beginning of this show that you were like well not everything on the periodic table is an element I was like oh

I have no idea which ones are what then so you were second at the beginning of this show that you were like, well, not everything on the periodic table is an element. I was like, oh, I have no idea which ones are what then. So you were looking at the periodic table of elements worried that some of them were not elements. Mike, if we put our elements together, we make steel because it's an alloy of iron and carbon. That's how you make

it. And uranium does naturally occur. Oh, fantastic. I should dig some of that up. Yeah. Well, you already inhaled most of it with the helium probably. Mm-hmm. All right. I think we're done with the old elements.

What a draft. What a draft indeed. What did we learn today? I learned that structural engineers, whatever, have a great advantage when they're playing Jenga. Oh. Apparently. That they do. I learned that Andy has not really enjoyed a proper double leg toilet sleep time. You've got to get into your poops, man.

And I learned that Jason really hates gold. I mean, just straight up hates it. Yeah. Unless I drafted it, in which case it would have been great. That'll do it for the show. On behalf of Alvaron, we want to thank you, Spitwatch. Thank you for tuning in, everyone. We'll see you next time.

Goodbye. He's shaking his head. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.