Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: My Old Dead Husband & Things We Thought Were True - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

Spit Hit for March 30th, 2023: On this episode, find out why Jason is breaking INTO a prison. We also discuss grainy ketchup and hiring your friends before jumping into a draft of popular myths we once thought were true. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A-boo! A-hoo! You thought it was true! All right. A-boo, a-hoo, you thought it was true! Alright. I'm doing my best over here, man.

It was a little simple, I mean. It's cool, it's cool, man. Do you need like a brrrat, brrratita boop? No, I just feel like you weren't as, I don't think you were into it while you were doing it. As into it as you've been before. That's all. A Bedingi really would have brought that home for you. Thank you.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah, but then you would be, you just stole my line. Mike would have to literally pay the fee that Andy charges on Bedingis. So that wouldn't, I don't blame Mike there. What's the going rate? What's the going rate on a Bedinge? If you want to sub-license it for this actual show, it's only $500. Oh.

I was expecting something more along the lines of a carton of milk. Like $1.25. This is a very pricey Bedinge. Yes. The demand is higher than you'd think on Bedinges. Welcome into the Spitballers episode 180. Is that true? That's too much.

That's too many. Too many episodes. Let's just start counting down now. Oh, to the end. Count it down to the end. We make the rules. Next episode's 179. And we'll eventually get negative?

Well, we'll get to our first ever episode about 179 episodes from now. I thought that was a novel idea to count down to your final show. Like you just call it now. Like you count down and when you get there, you get there. And then you're done. I like that. Well, let's say we will do a thousand shows. And then count it back down?

Count it down from here to where that would be true. That's enough. Yeah, that's plenty. We have Would You Rather on today's show life advice uh you know we dispose of some wisdom is that what it is dispose of some wisdom yeah for us it is no that's not the correct thing but we are disposing of what was i trying to say right in the garbage what was what was i trying to say uh no yeah that's out see you now you're there's a phrase dispose some wisdom that that's not it that sounds like throwing wisdom in the garbage uh i'm going to dispose of this

yeah i'll figure it out uh we also are drafting facts that we thought were real like there's a lot of things i've really discovered this the older i get things you grew up believing and then you actually changed your behavior on for your life for some of these things you did you lived a certain way because of facts that aren't facts yeah i uh i literally in in preparing for this episode, one, I learned a whole lot. But there were two different things that I was reading. I said that this week. I literally, this last week, said one of these things to my children as a fact.

And I just learned that not true. I mean, I won't correct myself to my kids. It was dispense, okay? I wanted to dispense some wisdom to my kids. It was dispense. Okay. I wanted to dispense some wisdom. Like it's being dispensed. That's the phrase. Instead, you threw it right away. Al is saying it's impart.

No, Al is guessing. Well, you can impart wisdom. That is a saying. Imparting some wisdom is a thing. As is dispensing some wisdom. You dispense justice, not wisdom. And gumballs. Yeah, I think more gumballs.

When I think of dispensing, it's definitely got a quarter in that machine. Wait, wait. Could we make a gumball machine, but it's just a little fact that comes out? So what you're saying is a fortune cookie gumball machine. Right, yes. You're acting is you want a fortune cookie gumball machine. Right, yes. You're acting like you just invented electricity here. I mean,

I think it's pretty easy to do. Don't they have gumballs with like a fact on them? No, I don't think so. On the gumball? Eat this ink. Just eat it. It'll be fine.

You have valentines that have the words on them? You act like you can't eat something that has phrases on it? I feel like to get words on a gumball, you have to print it on top. I promise you there are gumballs with things printed on them. I bet my life on that one. Man, that is a risky proposition. Spitballerspod.com.

That's also a really big gumball. War and Peace is written on it yeah um it was the best of times i i'm sorry let's let's move on let's let's go to would you rather would you rather would you rather on today's show? First question comes in from Austin. I was busy just staring at the screen here. Today we are remote recording the show. And so we are on Zoom. We're on our cameras.

And we are at three completely different color temperatures. Jason is green and there's nothing he can do about it. He's got a green cool hue to him i mean this was on purpose so he's just going for a hulk yeah i wanted the the the back wall to be green well it's yeah and it's more than that but uh and then i'm i'm very orange i'm just too orange and mike you are you're looking the best i think i, you're looking the best, I think. I think you're looking the most normal, but it's, you know. I feel like I'm in like a Walmart. Yeah, that's fair.

Fluorescent. That's what he said, normal. Like when we think about Mike, we're like people of Walmart. Yeah. I mean, look. Are you bodying some Walmart here? I mean, I don't think you have to. That's not something like, you don't body bag Walmart.

You body bag someone by referring to Walmart. Okay. All right. I'm not saying I don't go there. Right. Everyone does. It's like McDonald's. Oh, sure, you've never eaten McDonald's.

We know it's crap. What's crazy is I just recently heard people talk about this. This is why I brought it up. Because they were debating Walmart and Target. Oh, Target's so much better. Right. But that wasn't the vote. That wasn't the outcome for this person.

What was the basis of the vote? Which store is cheaper? Which do you like more? What? No. And someone said Walmart? And it was Walmart. And I thought this was like saying

you know do you like a fast food steak versus a steakhouse steak or something you know like those wouldn't be a normal debate because yes you pay more for stuff at target but because you pay more they clean the store that's the fun they actually mop the floors and they wipe the counters because you've chosen to pay more money. I thought that's how it worked. And they're like, I've found the employees at Target to always be delightful. Like, they're very helpful. And at Walmart, I mean, you get greeted when you walked in. The greeters are actually delightful.

The greeters are very nice. I'm glad that they have jobs. Now, they're just there to stop people from stealing. That's the real thing, right? Oh, Walmart doesn't care. Oh, yeah. What's the greeter for? They're not greeting you to make you feel good.

No, I genuinely think it's a service to the elderly. I'm not even making a joke. I actually think that what they have done, and maybe they have just decided we want to employ those people that are 80 plus years old that are looking for work. There's not a lot of jobs out there for them. And the Walmart greeter is one. And therefore, they don't care about that. That old lady is not coming after you, I promise. Just keep walking.

Are you prepared? Would you go do that job? Would you do that job later? No. Oh, no no i'd be a target greeter though if you'd be the first target greeter i'll just do it they won't pay me pro bono i'll just throw the red shirt and khakis on hey what's up welcome to target i've done the accidental red shirt and khakis like twice oh when i to a Target. And it doesn't take long. Yeah, that's always been a Best Buy problem for me.

I'm more of a blue shirt. If you wear a blue polo in Best Buy, you work there. And I do. If someone asks me for something, I will 100% walk them around the store and help them find the product. I've always wondered how long you could fake work at a place. Because most employees are not the managers, right? They're just all on the same level. They're all employees.

There's turnover. There's new hires. How long could you just put the clothes on and work at a place until somebody stops you? Like name tag and everything? Just go to the back. You can go in the back to the inventory, pulling stuff off the shelves, give people advice. I mean, you can't check them out at the at the register i know that would not work that's actually a really fascinating

question like if you went and got an official best buy shirt and name tag like you're fully going uh you know bro you you walk in and you just tell the people that you work there now you're a new hire right i used to be a manager of a best buy even the manager would not be positive that you work there now you're a new hire right i used to be a manager of a best buy even the manager would not be positive that you know oh i haven't met this person yet you could 100 work there now you're not gonna get paid and so that's i'm not sure why you would do this but if you are just looking for a job maybe that's how you get a job is you just go and start doing it you work there for two weeks and then, and then you go to the manager, you go, hey, I don't work here, but I'd like to.

I've been interning? Yeah, I've been interning. May I have a job? You didn't realize it, but I'm your best employee. There is a Seinfeld episode where Kramer does exactly that. What? Oh, crap. Where he just pretends to work at a place,

and everybody starts treating him like he works there. He does nothing, though. All right, here we go. Would you rather from Austin, would you rather help plan and execute a bank heist or a prison break? Ooh. I... Hmm. Yeah, I mean, I feel like there's one of those that feels far dirtier than the other.

What's more exhilarating exhilarating i think would be the prison break but that's not what i'm after okay all right money so that's uh i mean not a lot of money in prison you here's your rewards ready your reward is either either um treasure and riches or a convict like i'm gonna steal a bad guy out of no i'm thinking of this in terms of like if you're doing the prison break you're getting your freedom you're oh okay so i'm so i'm in you're the convict jason yeah otherwise i'm gonna otherwise i'm gonna ruin your bank heist by telling you that you're already a billionaire. I figured that this was we're planning one of these things from the outside, planning how to break into a bank or planning how to break into a prison.

Break into a prison? Well, you got to break in to get someone out, right? No, this is Shawshank. They'll just let you in? You a one way you don't have to go both directions at a prison all right we're not gonna make it that hard uh what do you think you could succeed at more i think i could rob a bank today like i do i think i could rob a bank right now but a bank heist is more than that a bank heist is like getting into the vault it's taking all it's it's executing a big plan yeah it's where you like jason breaks in

and locks himself into a cell that's what al just did it did it well the great part is if i want to prove that i can escape prison all i have to do is lock myself in there because then i will get they'll be like sir you please we have to leave. And then I will say, did it? There have to be people. You know how people have weird fascinations or things that they love? There has to be somebody who has that desire to be in a prison cell when they're not guilty of something. You know what I mean? There's a lot of weird people in the world.

Right. Of course. So somebody has been turned away from a prison begging begging to get in no doubt oh yeah it's definitely happened Mike what do you think of the ones I mean I I feel like I would fail at both but if the the higher probability has to be the the bank heist i mean a prison break you have no chance right you got to know the ins and the outs of the god or the guards switching how the locks were i mean i have no clue where to even start there are three ways to break someone out of prison just little oh great let's take you through it okay there's through the air wisdom there's through the air there's underground or there's in something okay so those are the three methods okay okay out they're out in their outdoor time right and you're gonna do the batman fly by hook you know

you're gonna grab them and they're gonna fly them out a lot That doesn't happen a lot. That takes money. It takes resources. And it takes a good meat hook to grab the convict to just fly him away. So it's tough. You don't want to like hot air balloon it because they'll get shot for sure. Yeah. You don't know where you're going to land. Let's just follow that. Guys, I think we could get a back.

Let's just follow the hot air balloon. Can we stay here for a second? Because now you've begged some questions with the helicopter thing. How long of a rope could you have on a helicopter and still get somebody? Oh, I think there's almost endless. So you can go as high as you want. So I'm trying to think of the execution. If you have a long enough rope, you're looking for your buddy to grab the rope and then the helicopter like what's the risk to the helicopter getting shot yeah i would say i would say guards shooting at the helicopter i'm

not sure if they would do that i don't think they would shoot at the helicopter so like why aren't people it's because of getting a helicopter well that's the hard part that's the whole that's the sole reason also the rope You need a rope. Where do you get a mile long rope? Well, I think. See, here's the problem. If you get something right into the fence, if you're talking about a 5000 foot rope, you're not going to see who's on that. And next thing you know, you're flying away with 12, 13 convicts.

You're definitely just, you know, the monkey in a barrel fishing. And you just you've got a whole bunch of them hanging on. And some are falling off. Absolutely. I think the rope does need to be a ladder. Holding onto a single rope is difficult, but a rope ladder. Why do people put knots in it? Like an old gym rope.

That's helpful. That's definitely helpful. I still feel like if you tell me, if I can climb a knotted rope or a ladder, I'm going to choose a ladder. What about a swing? Oh, that'd be nice. Has anyone ever done that? Has anyone ever done a helicopter swing? What about like a tire swing?

Yeah. Put a tire on the bottom of that bad boy. Oh, I mean, talk about safety. You got to, I i mean rubber at the bottom if something if the rope breaks you'll want a big rubber tire under me huh we okay so anyway you were saying that's the through the air that's just one method you can go underground which is you need elon or some kind of uh digging system that's a popular method the underground well shawshank really popularized the digging um out of prison how long did it the underground well shawshank really popularized

the digging um out of prison how long did it take him in shawshank i think like a couple years like like three years no no you don't i thought you loved that movie i i don't know i but i've seen other documentaries where people have gone they've gone underground and they've done that not just through like a single tunnel but they can get down into the you know the underworkings of the prison where there's you know the heating and cooling and all that stuff and then they go through those tunnels and find their way and dig up right yeah you eventually you do have to come up if you want to have it be a successful escape if If you just stay underground, that's considered prison. And then the third and final way is you bring something into the prison.

Like a big cake. Like a big. Exactly. You want this cake on wheels. Or on a horse. Or on a horse. You can't go inside the horse. A Trojan horse, Mike.

A Trojan horse. Oh, I was thinking inside the horse. A Trojan horse, Mike. A Trojan horse. Oh, I was thinking a live horse. Not a real live horse that you climb in through wherever. Sir, this horse was alive when you brought it in. Why is it now dead? 19 years in Shawshank, so we were way off. 19 years? Well, that's how long he was in, or that's how long he was digging. No, that was 19 years to tunnel out.

he was in or that's how long he was digging no that was the 19 years to tunnel out and by the way i've always feared the idea of like the psychological damage of going like 10 11 years of a tunnel and being found out right at that mark and have it's like that's a long time i gotta start over you gotta start over andy i've always had that where it's been a big part of my life yeah um yeah i'm breaking and restarting my tunnel. I'm definitely going in the bank. I'm just I mean, look, it doesn't take that much in a bank. You just need what that's. Yeah.

For like a Bush League robbery. But like for an actual heist. Do banks even have money anymore? That's what I don't know. Like, do they have much? Is it worth it? OK, here's our two hundred dollars cash we hold now. No.

Is it worth it? Is it like, okay, here's our $200 cash we hold now? No, for it to be a heist, you have to be aware of a specific item that you are after in the vault. They just brought in a special diamond or someone has, you know, you have. Yes, exactly. You have special intelligence. Crown jewels. About what is in here, and you have to get it out.

And so that becomes very difficult. Crown jewels. About what is in here. And you have to get it out. And so that becomes very difficult. Getting into a vault, getting to the right box, getting that out. You need explosives, right? You need some sort of, you got to have a guy, an explosives guy. I think I'm going full undercover. My method is to make sure they don't know they have a true heist. They have no idea they've been robbed until after it's over.

I'm not going in with explosives and getting people. I am going in and I'm convincing them that that is my vault. I go in, I take everything, and I'm out of there. there and they think i'm a woman that's a key part of this because yeah i don't want i don't want to get caught afterwards so i want to really be convincing like i'm not sure if she was wearing a wig or not but it was a woman and then i'm scott free isn't it this brings me back didn't mike try to dress up as a pig for one of these a pig wig and a bank heist so that uh the dna would not be human because then mike they might go i think a pig robbed this bank all right i'm gonna i'm gonna force us to move forward here i uh i'm gonna go to emma Twitter. Environmental implications excluded. Would you rather live somewhere where it rains 300 days out of the year or somewhere where there's never a single drop of rain?

Super easy for me. The environmental implications excluded, you're saying the facts that you'd be flooded out or something like that. Flooded out or you have no crops. You can survive happily in either place it's just i see one of the places i actually i'm not sure you can survive happily sure rain is awesome to us because we live in arizona it's few and far between but rain all the time is like the most depressing thing i can think of. I would... Always soggy.

Yeah, there's like a million things. I would rather live in a place that has occasional tornadoes, you know, than every single day. Yeah, because you can, you know, I mean, it sucks. I'm not like begging for tornadoes here, but I can go in a bunker. I can go, you know, in the basement or whatever I need to do. Yeah, but your house could get torn down. Yeah, I mean, then I got a project.

I've been looking for something to do. I got a to-do list today. Build a house. Rain is a lot like I think snow is, where if you don't have it, it's novel when you get it, but it wears off real quick. Like even when we've had, you know, it's novel in Arizona to get rain, and we love it. Because if you get three or four days of rain, cool. But if you go to like, you know, you go seven, eight days of rain, we can't drive because our streets can't drain the rain. And you start to get, it's more depressing to be overcast all the time.

And snow is like, oh, that's awesome. Let's have have a snowball fight but you can only have so many of those and you can only build so many snowmen and then all of a sudden you have to scrape your car windows and you have to dig yourself out of your house so i think i would go no rain yeah you have to i mean i i think we could solve this in one word uh if you're like, which place would I have to live? And that word would be pickleball. Outdoor sports. We play a lot of pickleball, and you cannot do that in the rain. So rain, rain, go away.

Don't come back another day. It comes down to pickleball. Yeah, I mean, priorities. Keep the first things the first things. Okay. All right. Mike, do you have a final vote? I really like the rain, but always...

You're only happy when it rains. Yes. Yes, thank you. Good garbage reference. Real cute. It was actually a garbage reference. Yes. Thank you. garbage reference real cute it was actually a garbage reference yes thank you um yeah but you're just like having to always have an umbrella or poncho or or you're just always soggy i think it would get old so i'm gonna go the no rain you guys know i watch survivor and yes they

have to do the overnights all the time in tropical storms right they're always in fiji and there's tropical storms and they don't have you know even if you have a tarp it's not perfect there's nothing that i think would be worse than being soggy all the time now when you're in a rainstorm like that do you get do you get like the pruney fingers oh are you that wet no you get super pruney oh really super rain from rain because you are you are just perma wet people are trying to sleep like in the in in a ball almost just trying to keep yourself warm and you wake you look at these people and their fingers their hands they're just pruney and wet and soggy. It's like your clothes are permanently wet.

You don't get dry. Think about it. If you dip your fingers in some water and then it rains constantly for eight hours, it doesn't dry out. There's no drying. It's just perma wet. I don't think I'd win Survivor. No. I think I would do poorly.

Hearing just that, because I can't imagine that that's the worst they deal with is rain, but that was enough for me to tap out right there. Can I add in some hunger? Can I add in some severe hunger? I mean, either one is bye-bye for me. You're not thirsty, though. Right, right. They are well hydrated.

All right, Christian from Patreon. Would you rather consume one tablespoon of ketchup through a straw, one tablespoon, or eat two tablespoons of mayo off the spoon? Easy peasy. This is a method question.

Is it worse to go through a straw? Oh, yeah. It is. Would it be difficult? Is it like a milkshake? Is there a difference? No, it's not difficult as in like... Or is it slow?

It's slow. Right. You're going to feel every grain of ketchup coming into your mouth. Grain of ketchup? Oh, yeah. What kind of ketchup are you eating? I mean, ketchup through a straw is going to feel...

You got chunky? You guys don't do chunky ketchup? Yeah, you creamy ketchup fools. It's called salsa. He's thinking salsa. No, no, no. But like, you're going to feel. I've never had a grain of ketchup in my life.

I said grain because there is still a texture to ketchup. It's not water. You know what I mean? It's not like there is a thickness. But it's not grainy. It's the same as mayo. I feel like. Mayo and ketchup have the same texture.

I feel like if you were to drink ketchup from a straw, it would feel more grainy. It would feel thicker. And the way that like a milkshake is grainy, it's not grains in it, but like. I think you just mean thicker, right? It's thicker than water. grains in it but like i think you just mean texture right it's thicker than water yeah but i don't think you would feel that with mayo mayo is so smooth they're both so smooth i think you're living in a really weird place man you need to talk to somebody i don't know i feel like the only way to really understand this is to do it and i am not do you make your own ketchup is that what's happening certainly yes he mixes his ketchup with sand yeah i'm trying to maybe ketchup smoother

i do feel like there's thick ketchup though there are i would argue that mayo is slightly thicker than ketchup because it has a little bit. I would too. It has more of a, like if you use a fry, you dip a fry in ketchup, you come up with more ketchup than if you dip a fry in mayonnaise and you come up with, like just a straight dip, you're getting more ketchup on the fry than you are mayonnaise, meaning it's more, it's got greater liquidity. look i uh man i am really i'm really struggling here with my memory of ketchup because um i really do feel like like this the smooth texture of mayonnaise it's smoother than ketchup ketchup now maybe you guys are buying like bottom of the barrel water ketchup you're getting these things out of little mcdonald's packets i don't know only one

person makes ketchup yeah there's two there's two wait we're hunting hunting heinz yeah but listen which one of those two if you didn't shake it and you turn it upside down are you getting drips of liquid certainly ketchup it's only ketchup yeah you're getting the nasty vinegar right yeah you're just getting you need to mix it up. Otherwise, you get the liquid, and that's a big deal. The liquidity. The liquidity. Okay, let's take the size and the method out.

Let's say it's the same. You have to eat a spoonful of mayo or a spoonful of ketchup first. Let's just start there. I would rather have the mayo than the ketchup by itself. I think I'd go ketchup. I am such a mayo fan and I would go ketchup because I think mayo is just dense. It's like you're eating some like a big egg spoon. Yeah, you love ice cream, though.

That's I mean, what? That's yeah. I mean, can I? Is that an option? I'm just saying like you love ice cream, so you would pick the mayonnaise? My point is the density of mayonnaise doesn't- You can't handle tasting right now. Do you eat yogurt, Andy?

Have you ever had a yogurt? That's the same texture of mayo. That's the same texture, yes. Yes, you're right. If you love mayo and you like the texture of yogurt, I'm calling shenanigans on your- No, you're right. I think you're right. Now, would you go a spoonful of mayo or a spoonful of miracle whip mike oh no get no no no no no no no no no no

i don't okay i don't understand the miracle whip people it's it's bad it's bad does it change if you have to eat a cup full over time like you got an hour you got to eat an entire solo cup full of mayo or ketchup yeah at that point i'm worried about my calories you got that point for a whole cup of mayo like i can do a spoonful two spoonfuls you'd have to throw up right yeah you'd throw up the mayo you wouldn't throw up the ketchup yeah i would pivot to ketchup but i i think i would take the the the mayo and a spoon over ketchup and a straw. Ketchup and a straw, I'm telling you, you're going to experience it for a longer period of time. Even though it's less, every suck of that straw that just puts a little bit more

ketchup in your mouth is going to be that's when you go you go tomato soup mode you have to pretend it's tomato soup if you have to eat a lot of ketchup alright we're moving I could drink a tomato soup yeah that's all you do

Mike is dying oh gosh but the focus here is you have a bad ketchup memory and there's grains in ketchup. All right. We're moving on. Spitballers to the rescue. All right. We are into some life advice. Derek from the website says, My aunt is a very sweet person,

but she is set on bringing me old clothes of her ex-husband every time I see her. I see her at least three to four times a year, and she asks me about them. And if I wear them, number one, what should I do with the clothes? Number two, what should I do with my aunt? Because this is this is a very common thing that when you reach a certain age, you want to be important in your own way to the world and it seems clear to me that your aunt if she asks about the clothes after the fact this is one of the ways that she has made herself important in your life yes it's really true i know i have i have a couple of shirts in my closet

that are one-time wearers and a shirt goes on when the person who gave me that shirt comes over. That's it. Because it's uncomfortable. I've got questions here. So, apparently, the aunt has been separated from the husband. But has still kept his clothes. Why did the person not take their clothes first of all well they wouldn't make it an ex-husband then yeah she didn't divorce him after she divorced

him after he's dead if you go and remarry i guess that's never your ex-husband no what do you call him your former husband former former former? Former. Former. Former? Old. What's the old husband? My old dead husband. That's what you call him. My old dead husband. Okay, I was thinking of my old dead husband. Okay, so ex-husband.

Just saying. So the ex-husband. No, that's a good question, Mike. Left their clothes there. And then number two, the aunt kept the clothes. And keeps giving them out slowly over time. Not in one fell swoop yeah it's like it's like two pieces of these how much yeah that's a good point why didn't you just give them

all then it'd be over this is weird man one of the things it's not really weird detailed here but i would say makes a huge difference is how nice are these clothes? You know what I mean? Like, are these? Maybe she kept these clothes because he's shopping, you know, some Gucci high-end labels here and she doesn't want to, you know, spin the whole thing at once. And maybe you're getting nice clothes. Was it part of the settlement? The divorce? I want the clothes.

Like, she got some of his clothes? You get the kids. You get the kids. I want the clothes. She got some of his clothes? You get the kids. You get the kids. I get the wardrobe. Derek seems to imply through the question of this being a problem that the clothes are not wanted, worn, or good. Yeah, that's true. I think what you do is you bottle it up deep down inside. You never say anything. You're just grateful. You have inside. You never say anything.

You're just grateful. You have gratitude. You have a box. Do you say you wore them all the time? Oh, sure. Yeah. You take some fake pictures. You go out with some fake pictures.

When you're out and about town, you put them on one day and get pictures for the year. I don't think I care enough to do that. How close is this aunt? Close enough that you see her three to four times a year that's right brings you her ex-husband's clothes so not close so not close this is not if you see someone three to four times a year and you're getting ex-husbands clothes this is I don't know maybe maybe this is the opportunity that you need to to to change this relationship to really like depart.

What you do, it's very simple. You start swapping clothes. You start giving her clothes of somebody else's. Your ex-girlfriend's? Yeah. It's got to be an ex. No. No.

I'm faking my death. I'm out. That's the solution to the whole problem. I'm sendingaking my death. I'm out. That's the solution to the whole problem. I'm sending a text over. I have died. I do think that's awesome. This is an automated message from Mike's phone. He has expired.

Please do not. That's funny. All right. Do not use my real name from Patreon. It says, I hired a family friend of 20 plus years to fix a plumbing issue in my home. But the work he did was completely shoddy. And when I questioned him about it, he got pretty offended and defensive. Oh, no.

What do I do? Every day I arrive home in fear that I will find my kitchen flooded. I do have a real answer, but I'm going to let you guys talk because I know Jason's gone through this. Yeah. Number one is you need to get it fixed why are you living with the shoddy work that's step number one

but he already paid somebody to fix it yeah but it's not fixed if you're fearful that your kitchen is going to be flooded you need to get the thing fixed when you want to preserve a relationship like this you eat it that's what you do if you want to preserve you don't go fight the person or build awkwardness you want to really

save this relationship you eat it you go pay a regular you you pay what do you mean well i'm saying like you don't another plumber to fix it and then yeah yeah you're paying twice but you're saving the relationship but i'm saying that saves the relationship. Is this relationship worth saving if this person doesn't accept that they did bad work? You're going to dump a 20-plus-year-old family friend over this type of fight, Mike? Well, they're clearly willing to dump it. How is it all on me?

They're the one who did the crap work. But they're going to be defensive. When people do... Let me ask you this, Mike. Let's say I let me ask you this, Mike. Let's say I hired you to write me a song and it's an important song. And like I get it. And I'm like, man, this is not going to make the mark. I asked you to help me write a song for my wife and I was going to give it to her for an anniversary gift.

And I just don't like the song that much. That's rough. That's a good. I'm curious where this goes. I'm saying, is that on you then? If I come to you and say, man, I really don't like the song that much and then that's a good and so you're saying goes i'm saying is that on you then if i come to you and say man i really don't like this song you might be kind of defensive about your skills your abilities it might be my fault that i don't realize how good the song is well yes number one it would be your fault that you don't realize the greatness but but i would much prefer that you just say hey this isn't the song for me i mean it's it's a

little hard comparing right right because my opinion of someone fixing my plumbing can be proven better than your art it's fixed or it does not it's one or zero okay i mean i look to me i you yes you you have to get it fixed. You have to eat the cost. But, I mean, I'm not going to sugarcoat this and let this person just get away with it. Yeah. This relationship. You should work with families and friends.

You really should. Oh, my gosh. Good advice. Andy, good advice. And that's really the true life advice here. Don't use my real name from Patreon. There's nothing we can do to help you. You're done.

The relationship is over. Because no matter what, you will always view this person negatively. I had this happen with us where we had a family friend that we used after we moved in to do a whole bunch of work, paid a whole bunch of money. It was all the worst. I could have had teenagers do this better and it was like what do you do and you'll never and then when you kind of bring some things up hold on what's the resolution of this yeah what did you bring it up the resolution for us yeah we brought it up and then it was like well no i think this is okay and then it's like who said it was okay

the the person that did the work or you guys yeah Yeah, no, they came in and- They stood by the work? I remember all of this. Well, they came in and fixed it up a little bit. You know, like, oh, yeah, sure, I'll fix this. But it was still trash, just awful. I mean, just straight bad. And, I mean, you know- Super janky, janky.

Yeah, so it didn't work well. And that was the beginning of the end right i mean that's is that relationship done yeah the relationship is done i don't i don't i don't i don't really even know this person now that's not the full reason but that probably is like in hindsight i didn't realize like that was the actual genesis for the ruining of this relationship so the advice to take away here is stop hiring family and friends to do professional work because you need to have accountability you need to be able to say you sucked at your job do better uh we have a friend uh kyle the borogogan who just moved here

and they had uh painters they got they put in they put a new carpet and then they had a painter come in and paint their house because it just moved across the country, got a new place. Well, the painter painted all over the brand new carpet and he was able to say, dude, you're going to eat this. You're going to replace my carpet. Do that with a family member. No, you're replacing your carpet. And then you hate that family member forever. Don't hire family and friends yeah that that's 100 right you because what happens is every time you do anything with family and friends and this really even like extends to money and stuff like that every time both parties because your friends think everything is perfect in the beginning nobody presumes a problem ever. But when the problem happens, then that is a nightmare to deal with

because everybody gets defensive. And yeah, you need to be able to fire somebody and you need to be able to get it fixed. Man. But in your situation, you've already done the deed. And if you want to keep the friend, you better just hire another plumber and never speak of it again.

I'm just saying, is that an actual real friend or has this person just been exposed for being a crap human yeah i mean the reality is they said it's a family friend of 20 plus years i think this is more of like oh that's easy they're a close friend this is like a close friend of of you know their parents or something oh even better that is even better because i don't have to deal with this anymore it's funny because there are there are like you've i've had friends who i've known for 10 plus years who when you get into a different sphere of life you know you'd start dealing with money or you start dealing with their trade or something you've never seen them behave in that way before before. And so it's almost like you'd rather not know. Because obviously, if you got shoddy work,

everybody that they... He's been a bad plumber for 20 years, and you never knew it. So, all right, Greg from Twitter. I want to go on a vacation. And I love my family. But I kind of want a vacation from my family for a few days.

A few days. How do I make this dream a reality from my family for a few days. A few days. How do I make this dream a reality with as little friction as possible? Find a conference in your field. This is going to have to be a business trip. Oh, man. You can't take a personal trip. This is not allowed. You don't go, hey, honey, I was thinking about I'm gonna go to

Hawaii but just by myself I just need like a little me time that's not that's not gonna work I mean here's here's the truth what your trip is matters if you want a good vacation it has to be paired to a reason you have to go so sorry honey i've got to go you can go camping by yourself she'll let you you know what i mean you want to go out in the woods and just rough it for you know an overnight trip that's fine but like i said you want to go to hawaii she's gonna be like um not by yourself what vacation is pretty fair oh yeah fair. If you, right now, one of you guys, if you're going on vacation by yourself, where are you actually going? Vegas. A place of guilt.

A place where I can be guilty. Another place. Because I can't do it. I can't. It's like I don't think I could enjoy myself if I sneak out for a vacation. No, it's not sneaking. You're saying what would you do? You get full permission.

You can go by yourself. This is a guilt-free trip. Where are you going? Can I go sit in a quiet house somewhere? That's my vacation. Just Airbnb like right down the street. This is the life. I still, when I go by my parents' house and say say hi to them every single time i marvel at the

silence it's like oh no children no children no devices buzzing no like all the mayhem of my normal life i walk in there and it's just silent. So something that would let me do. The honest answer is I'd probably beach somewhere. I think that would be the answer. I think I could enjoy a solo day or two by the beach. See, I think most of the vacations that I like are places where I would be happier with the family. Like go to Disneyland.

That'd be so weird to go to disneyland by myself i'd be like it's not that i would feel uncomfortable i'd feel like you'd get reported oh i know every time i look at any family i i would feel like i need to be arrested immediately uh you know just some middle-aged man there's a solo we got a solo here you know or or even uh you know the aforementioned hawaii like i don't think I'd want to go by myself. That's where I'm trying to think of a place where there's a reason. When I go to Vegas, I want to sit down and play a tournament. But I never can because that could take hours.

That could take four or five hours. And I feel so guilty of abandoning the trip, the party. So that's where I think I would enjoy being able to not care about other people's time. Yeah. It's a really good question, though. Like, how could you go... You can't really do any

sightseeing, and you'd be looking left and right wanting to show other people what you're seeing. Right? Hey, check it out. You're going to go on a European tour by yourself? I mean, you're going to go i mean this is hey check it out you're gonna go on a european tour by yourself i mean you're gonna go to new york and see all the sites by yourself some people do yeah the ones that have the ex-husbands yeah i mean greg here says you know he uses the word vacation but he says he kind of want a

vacation from my family so i think really the answer here is a quiet getaway that's that's what it is it's a camping trip a cabin overnight a read bring some books and just make it you have to make it the most boring sounding trip ever and that's how you get that's the you know that that's where it's okay to have me time i would also if you really want to angle for it find some relative that lives in some other state that you claim you're going to go visit and barely see them that's your other strategy okay i gotta visit my aunt she's almost you know she's a goner soon i gotta go see her before she passes she lives in you know honolulu and uh but uh but if you want the dream to really become a

reality you could play someone's gonna you know my spouse would if i laid hints out there she'd be like go do an overnight at a resort go get a massage that would work they'd do that i think i got another idea you look de devious. No, just genius. Look, you're working. Thin line. You can't take time off work right now, but you got these tickets for Disneyland or for wherever, and I want you to take the kids.

I want you. It's okay. Reverse. It's a reverse. Your vacation is just staying at home, and you send the whole family to a fun, all-expense-paid trip to wherever the heck they want to go. Get out of here. More expensive, but easier to pull off.

You may have to send her parents with her, too. Sure. That might be the goal. Wow, we figured it out. We did. But you could also take your family. All right, let's move on to the draft. your family all right let's move on to the draft the spitballers draft all right we are looking at things we thought were facts and a lot of these are things that maybe you out there believe are

facts even today but they're not they're just made up or things that maybe not made up people thought they were true at one point in time, and they get passed down, and we all have these things, especially the ones that discourage me the most are the ones that came from school, the ones that were taught to me, or the ones that you could bring up like the food pyramid and how great that was supposed to be for you.

Put them carbs up top there. So anyway, Mike, you have the first pick yeah i mean this draft might as well be like reveal how stupid you are right but uh so i'll kick this thing off i thought it was true forever uh putting salt into water makes it boil faster this is apparently not a true thing i do that every time i still do it every time no matter what and i wait it's just a routine i thought there was science behind that yeah there's not i mean like it it's it is definitely a thing of like you can it will help season and add some flavor to your noodles but it doesn't make the water boil faster.

Oh, man. That's good to know. So now, do you still do it? Oh, yeah. Just in case. Yes, just in case, man. This can't cause any harm, right? It's my routine.

You know what? It's also very fragrant. I use a garlic salt usually when I'm boiling water. You put garlic salt. That probably makes it boil faster then if it's garlic salt. when i'm boiling water okay you put a put that probably makes it boil faster than if it's garlic salt does it no no you got me again darn it mike oh yeah this is the the gullible draft all right so i'm up true yes uh yes all right this one is one that uh i came across a lot you know i just i genuinely always believe this genuinely and then

when i stop and i think about it i'm so excited for these when i when i stop and think about i'm like well a freaking course it's not true it's impossible um i've always known that ostriches stick their heads in the ground when they are scared but how could they like a cartoon okay but you can't just you can't just go and stick your head in the ground you know what i mean like some of it's supposed to be in the sand but that's just completely not true like ostriches don't do that they don't they don't they never put their head in the ground they never put their head in the ground ever that's not a thing it was actually i when i was looking at this it started from like an egyptian myth like there were drawings of ostriches with their heads in the ground but that's not a thing ostriches do not put their

heads in the ground that was back when the whole world the whole world was mud back then that's why i have taught that to my kids like oh you ostriches are stupid they you know you get scared they put their heads in the ground i think when they get scared they're probably just gonna attack you so yeah they don't need to be scared of much those things are nasty they are powerful fast creatures giant claws also they are terrifying they're known as velociraptors of the modern age yeah their faces are disgusting. All right. And they want you to see that. They're not putting that on the ground.

They're not nice. They're very ornery. Well, except for jockeys. You can ride them. That's true if you gain their trust. Over 20 plus years of loaning them clothing. All right. This is the go-to for me because again,

for me, when I was thinking about these, the ones that feel the dumbest are the ones that you base behaviors on for your whole life. And it's like an eye roll. Because it's partially what Jason just said with the ostriches

where you're like, if I just thought about this for two seconds instead of just trusted what somebody said for 20 years, I would have been like, yeah, that doesn't make sense. But the one that actually affected my behavior the most has to be the fact that you would get cramps if you go swimming right after you eat. Because it was painted in my mind.

I grew up thinking if I do that, I'm drowning probably within a minute. For some reason, if I got food in my belly, the water knows. And if the 20 minute timer, I'm going to get in that water and I'm going down to the bot. And so for 20 years, I could have been swimming right after I ate. Yep. I know plenty of families. They would put on a timer. You'd eat and then they'd want to go. We did too.

You put on, this is serious. But you're telling me that there's no truth to that the reality is is that your body the it was all built around the idea that you you know when you eat something how do you feel afterwards well your body has to digest the food and it takes extra blood to digest it but not enough to disable your arms and legs from working in the water so that one is one that I functionally, and it's still, when you do something like this for enough time, I still get the hesitation.

Like if I eat a sandwich and I'm like, I need to give it a few minutes. Because, I mean, these are high stakes here. This isn't making your water boil. This is, if you're wrong, you're dead. Yes. So my second pick pick it's tough there's a couple of ones that like i think i can save all right i think i can save that one for later

so i know i'm playing the game here um well i'm more like my friends aren't stupid enough to think of this one. I'm going to go with the one where. Because I do it and because everybody wants to dissuade people from doing it and so they need to make up a reason why, which is the idea that cracking your knuckles gives you. Yeah, it gives you arthritis. Yeah, it's on my list. And I think this was made up by people who just didn't want people cracking their knuckles, which feels curmudgeon-y it's almost like somebody was like yeah you know tattoos give you cancer like because i don't like tattoo they don't like you cracking your knuckles and it seems like it's probably bad yeah because it makes a sound but it's just a bad sound yeah i have i have known that this one is a myth i i need your guys' advice here like a psychiatrist.

Because I've known that this is a myth and that cracking your knuckles does not actually cause arthritis. And I had vetted that because I was curious once a long time ago if when I was doing that, I cracked my knuckles. So is this going to cause a problem? Before you got help and found a group? And I found out that was. Before you got help and found a group. That was a myth. However, I still say that to my daughter. Oh, no, you don't.

When she cracks her knuckles, I'm like, oh, you don't want to do that. She's like, you know, that could be bad for you long term. I think I'm afraid that it's still true and that I'm lied to that it's a myth. Here's what I'll say. Your phrase is fine. If you tell somebody they're about to get arthritis from it, that's a lie. But I don't think it's good for you long term. And there are some science that says it could weaken your grip or some of the muscle. There are some negatives that could come out of it, but there's not this whole, like, if you pop it, you're going to be condemned to a life of arthritis.

Yeah, I thought the arthritis, and I also thought, like, it could make your knuckle bigger. Swell, yeah. And you could injure yourself. I mean, there's definitely that possibility. You could injure yourself cracking your knuckles. Yeah, you go too far, you break your finger off. I mean, that would be a real shame.

No, no, no. People crack more than their knuckles. I crack my neck, and people can hurt themselves cracking their neck. It's not something you want to mess around with. All right. Am I back up here? You're back. You're back.

Oh, man. By the way, that's Harvard Medical School that says it does not increase your risk of any painful joint conditions. Beautiful. Source matters. Yeah. I have like four that I just find fascinating or funny. I'm going to go with a fascinating one because this one is like just a universal fact.

It's just truth. Okay. It's history. This is a known universal fact. It's just truth. It's history. This is a known historical fact that is not true. Okay. Napoleon was not short. I see Andy's face like, what? Napoleon was short.

Yes, he was. Yeah, exactly. Yes, he was. He was 5'2". No, he's shorter than that, man. He was teeny. Yes, he was. Yeah, exactly. Yes, he was. He was 5'2". No, he's shorter than that, man. He was teeny. He was teensy-tinesy. What's with Napoleon complexes?

That's all about size. I mean, there's a whole thing, except it's not true. Come on. Not true. Is this coming from Napoleon himself? No, no, no. People like to make themselves taller. He's really...

His big bone apart. Yeah. Nice. No, so here His big bone apart. Yeah. Nice. No, so here's where the myth comes from. It's a kind of two-parter thing. First of all, Napoleon was measured at 5'2", which is very, very short, except those were French inches at the time, which is different. Frenches.

Frenches, yes. So in his actual height, he was 5 was five seven which at that time was above average height he was actually taller than the average height oh he's not a super tall person but and where the rumors really really came from was actually a cartoon artist uh James Gilray James Gilray had famous depictions of napoleon as this super short you know leader but this just blew me away because when i read that i was like no you're wrong napoleon short i know it's not fixable that's not fixable it's not historical fixable where is the artist from uh british cartoon artist so of course, Britain smearing the French in that time period.

It was. It was a smear campaign. It was a full smear campaign. And so Napoleon is known as a super itty bitty tiny guy with a Napoleon complex. And it's just not true. That also means that there, without question, there have to be other historical characters that are kind of stereotypical view of them are just 100% false. Yeah.

You're going to tell me John Bunyan wasn't super strong now. Crazy. John Bunyan. Isn't that his name? Paul. John actually was a weak little. Thank you, Mike.

Actually fact. It's not Paul. His name was John. Thank you, Mike. Actually, fact, it's not Paul Bunyan. His name was John. I think you were going John Henry and Paul Bunyan into the same person. Sure. Going with the tall tales. Too much credit. All right.

Maybe. Mike, you got two picks. All right. I know the first one because I was into my 20s before I actually researched this. Did you guys know, or this is what at least I believed, that brown eggs were more nutritious? I have heard this. And they are like brown eggs and white eggs, very different things. I didn't know why. I didn't know why eggs were brown. It's from wheat bread and white bread very different things uh yeah i didn't know why i i didn't know why eggs were

brown it's from wheat bread and white bread yeah yeah exactly like that's probably why do we bleach the eggs what do we know it's just in fact that chickens with white feathers have white eggs and brown chickens lay brown eggs so they they're equally nutritious. They are the exact same thing. There's just a different chicken. And I spent the majority of my life thinking that these were two very different things. And like, can we buy these brown eggs? Are they going to taste way different? I'll just stick with the white eggs.

Did you like one and dislike the other? I don't like brown eggs. I was nervous to go to the other egg. Yeah. But turns out an egg is an egg. Okay. All right. I don't know if I ever sat down and made a decision on that.

I think I ate the eggs that were put in front of me growing up, but I can see how that makes sense. But were you doing the cracking? No. Yeah, so if it's just an egg, you would never know. Yeah, but if I went to go and buy them, I might do the inverse now. I might go and say, I'm going to get the healthier eggs today. I'm going to get the brown healthy ones.

All right. You should do that. What's your second pick? All right. We should do that. What's your second pick? All right. Oh, man. The second pick I'm going to go with. This one is so funny. And it's like, this is probably just kids being dumb and trying to tell each other this.

Do you guys ever hear the story that a daddy long legs is actually like the most venomous spider? But it can't bite. But they can't bite you because their mouth is too small? Look, as the resident spider man here, I have heard that. I have said that. I have heard my son say that more than 10,000 times in my 30 plus years of life here. I have never heard that before. You what?

Yeah. They're the most poisonous spider. They just can't bite you. Because their mouths are too small. Yes. Yeah. That sounds really stupid. What is the truth?

Please teach me. I feel so dumb. It's just not. It's not. The truth is that they're harmless. They're just harmless spiders. But which part's a lie? They're just not venomous at all?

None at all. Yeah. Yeah, they're just harmless. They're a super harmless spider. They're the most venomous. They're not great looking because they got them long legs, spindly legs. Wait a minute. So they are just full, not poisonous.

Can they bite you? No. No, their mouths are too small. Okay, so at least there's a half truth i don't know that's not true they don't bite you they're harmless spiders they can't get because the legs are too long they can't get to your skin that's so so funny that you both i can't believe that you're a couple of idiots yeah i literally my mind is blown that you haven't heard that because the amount of times that i've heard that and You're a couple of idiots. I literally, my mind is blown that you haven't heard that.

Because the amount of times that I've heard that, and I didn't teach my son that. He learned that from school. This is like, this is passed on for generations. The reason I don't, because I was taught that they're harmless from an early age. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they are harmless. Because their mouths are too small.

Their mouths are too small to bite. But if they could, you'd drop that. They'd get you. All right, I'm going to go with one I thought of just before the show began. Wait, is it a Jason's turn? Yeah, I was going to say. I would have let you go if this was a draft where I could steal something from you and it would matter.

Okay, my bad. I'm going to go with something later when it's my pick. I'm realizing as we go along, I have so many here. And you guys are drafting different ones than what's on my list. We have so much to learn and to teach on the Spitballers. But this one's another one kind of like the Napoleon one that was just like, no, that's not true. I know that's not true because I know history.

But here's a fact thomas edison invented the light bulb oh yeah except he didn't no he did thomas edison did not invent the light bulb light bulbs existed way before he just made a slightly better version he made a light bulb but like light bulbs were a thing light bulbs existed long before thomas edison came out with his light bulb and and it's just a universal fact in my world like if if if this was a trivia who invented the light bulb oh that's easy i know that one it's thomas edison except that is not true i don't believe you exactly napole Napoleon was short, and Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. But Edison still gets credit, right?

Well, I mean, yeah. An Edison bulb? Okay, I'm reading here that he didn't come up with the whole concept, but his light bulb was the first that was practical, affordable, and ready for home illumination. Exactly. He was an innovator, not an inventor. Exactly.

He hit the market at the right time. Yes. Interesting. Yes. Interesting. I think that that is very similar on things like the Wright brothers too, where like, you know,

there were lots and lots of inventors and people that were testing concepts, but they were like able to take it, you know, right place, right time, right place, right time, right model, right innovation. All right, mine is very simple. It's the idea that I grew up with that all of our blood is blue.

And it's blue because when you look at your veins, it kind of looks blue. And then the second oxygen touches it, it turns it completely red. And so nobody ever sees your blue blood. And so I'm thinking i'm practically klingon growing up with with a different color blood inside you and just any oxygenation transforms it completely which is 100 false now when oxygen goes into your blood it does become slightly different hue of red dark red instead of regular lighter red but it's just fake and i feel like i was taught it in class i don't know how that's provable uh because the second the second oxygen touches it

exactly you need to go bruise your knee on another uh planet without oxygen i just realized how easy it is to prove that like when you get blood get blood drawn, it comes out, you know. Oh, into the bag? No, no, there's definitely some seepage. There's a piece of oxygen in there. A piece. A chunk. A big grain.

A grain of oxygen. Yeah, everything's grainy. All right, I have to pick another one then, right? Yes, sir. Yes. I don't like this one because I just found out it's not true. Oh, that's the best kind. What I'm reading is that you shouldn't pee on someone if they get stung by a jellyfish.

That was going to be my last pick. It's on my list. And if that's true, if the proper way, because according to the Cleveland Clinic, which is one of the most acclaimed clinics in the United States, the proper way to actually treat a jellyfish sting is with hot water. And they say that it's not even an effective treatment method and it can worsen the sting. Yes. Which means that the fundamental thing here that I find humorous is how many people were peed on unnecessarily

in the last forever. That's who, who came up with this? Who started it? Who was like, oh man, I got a good prank. Just dude, all you gotta do is pee on it. Just, I mean, that's what's so funny about this to me is that someone started a rumor that peeing on a jellyfish sting will help you and people do this. So I think what happened based on that science is that warm water helps and pee is warm.

And so it felt better to have warm pee. That could be but because urine has a different ph it can worsen the sting or cause more venom to come out and actually be bad but the warmth felt good and yeah that's what's funny is when i was researching this it's actually it's not neutral it's actually bad to pee on it yes and. And, I mean, it's just funny to think about, like, there have been people who have peed on other people unnecessarily because of this lie. And there are people that you're peeing on somebody like, I'm a hero right now. Yeah. I'm the one who's willing to do this.

Under that pretense, it's as helpful as you skin your knee, pee on it. Yeah. Right? I mean, it's just as helpful. It's just like, hold on. Yeah, we should start that rumor. Okay. Yeah.

If you skin your knee, you should always pee on it. It cleans the wound. It's sterile. All right. So that was the pick I was going to take for my last one. You took it from me. So I'm going to go with one that i literally told my child this last week and then i found out that this is not true and this blows

my mind because i know this is true i've known it my whole life is science but the ability to roll your tongue like in a this you know like oh no. That is not a genetic trait. That is not based on a gene that some people can do and some people can't. I have said that forever. I have always known that, well, it's just a matter of whether you have the gene to be able to make the little circle with your tongue. Nope. That's just you can practice that and anybody can do that. That's what I learned.

It is not a genetic trait. Is that something proliferated by people who naturally did it and then didn't want other people to try? Like, it's just mine? I'm special. I'm special. Don't even try it. Don't even try it, man.

Don't try it. If you had the gene, you could do it. You can't do it. Oh, wow. I didn't realize that that was a... Oh. I've definitely heard that. Does that mean I can learn to roll my R's too? Because I can't realize that that was a... I've definitely heard that.

Does that mean I can learn to roll my R's too? Because I can't do that. Yeah, you definitely could. People can. People can, yeah. Can you do the double loop, Jay? No, my wife can do that, but I don't have the gene. No, that one's definitely... Yeah, that one is...

I've tried. That's definitely got to be a gene. It turns out it was actually a pair of genes that if you put them on, then you could do it. Right. All right, Mike, you get your final pick. All right. Which final one do I go out with? I'll just go with one that is near and dear because I was told this a lot lot that touching a toad will give you warts

it has always i've always thought that there had to be some truth behind that and there is in fact not and i don't understand like what where did we get in this world where he's like don't touch that toad why ah look he's got warts on it is it it will give you warts it's what it looks like yes i mean that's just that is that is human stupidity at its finest i completely touch that and i will get it yeah that's why i don't touch zebras came came i don't want stripes like if you see something gross you fear it's contagious you don't want to touch it and so then i don't want stripes. Like, if you see something gross, you fear it's contagious. You don't want to touch it. And so then, I don't know.

It could easily be like a parental thing, too. They just don't want their kids to touch a toad. So they just say it, and then they grow up believing it. And so then they just say it because not only are they not 100% sure if that's true, but they don't want them touching toads. What you really shouldn't touch is a wart. If you touch a wart, you'll get a wart. That's the real trick.

I had a wart on my finger at one time, and I fully believe that it happened when I picked up a toad at some point, and now I have this wart that I have to get rid of. Since we finished this, there are three that I have to bring up quickly. Oh, yes, please. That were all said and

believed by me for many many years number one chewing gum staying in your stomach for seven years the idea somebody just it was like if don't swallow gum and this is what we're going to make up to keep you from doing it so dumb because if you just sit and think about it of course it doesn't like it doesn't digest but it just passes like corn. It's just out. Right. And the other one is shaving your hair, making it grow back. Yeah.

Growing back thicker. Yeah. Which not scientifically backed in any way. And then the last one is one of the go-tos that I still just by default can't live with. Oh, no. And it's sitting too close to the TV ruins your eyes or is somehow really, really bad for you. That's got to be true.

It just happens. User experience. Like if I'm sitting right there, my eyes start hurting. That can't be good for me. I'm calling shenanigans on that one science. Does anybody know if carrots, if you eat them, it actually makes your vision better? Is that a true one?

No, that was a myth. That was one. Yeah, that's a myth. Carrots do not improve your vision. Can I not go back and like uneat so many carrots that I ate only for vision benefits? I think that it does have a vitamin in there that is good for eye health, but it doesn't make your... But yeah, I remember being a kid like, oh, am I going to get super psyched if I eat all

these carrots? Yes. Is it going carrots yeah in the dark some of the ones that i have on my list that we didn't get to if you touch a baby bird with your bare hands its mom will abandon it yeah i've lived that way many times we had a baby bird in our yard this last year and i did everything in my power to make sure we did not touch it with our hands we scooped it into a box. Oh, no. Yeah. Just ridiculous.

We just should have picked the thing up and helped it. Let's see. What else do we got? Milk increases mucus. No, it doesn't. That's not true. That's not true. You can drink milk when you're sick.

Come on. Come on. Apparently, that's true. Now we're spreading new lies. Waking a sleepwalker is bad for them. You know, you've heard that? Like, oh, never wake someone when they're spreading new lies. Waking a sleepwalker is bad for them. You know, you've heard that? Like, oh, never wake someone when they're sleepwalking. No, it's totally fine. They might not know how they got there, but that's not bad for them.

And camels storing water in their humps. Yeah, I've definitely heard that one. It's just a big lump of fat. It's more like a food storage. Yeah, the one that made me sad was that elephant trunks don't actually work like a straw. That's heartbreaking. They pick up some of the water with it, but then they put the water in their mouth. They're not just like Dumbo putting the trunk right in the water and drinking that way.

It's not true. You'll also be really thrilled about this one, Jason. I'm sure you've seen it, but you do not swallow eight spiders a year while you sleep. I did come across that. I was very thrilled because any spider propaganda, I'm going to believe I'm a fearful spider

hater. I also liked the whole a penny drop from the Empire State Building. If you drop a penny from the Empire State Building, it could kill someone. Apparently, not only could it not kill them, but it won't even basically harm them. It goes so slow because of wind resistance

that it would be like, ow, what just happened? Maybe, but it can't break anything. Interesting. Oh, and since we're just going through them, I will share the one more because this is this is actually practical uh the odds of a coin flip it's not actually 50 50 it's 51 it's 51 49 you call whatever is facing up yeah i did after they've done the experiments

so it's you know i've always tails. That actually makes, it does make some sense when you think about it. Like if, you know, if it's facing up, that there would be a chance that the way all humans flip a coin has some microscopic difference. I guess that makes sense. So that means you should start a coin on its side for a flip? How would you do that? More like like a flick like a hold flick situation yeah that would make it perfectly neutral well

no it probably wouldn't because one side starts towards with the flick yeah so it's probably the same thing though the only thing that i can't wrap my head around with that one because i saw that one is like okay well now is this for when you just let it land and see what's up or is this the classic grab flip it? So now am I purposely accidentally taking the 49%? It's impossible to know. Interesting. Someday we need to do some version of this draft

where we all bring things to the table and two of them are real. Two are fake. And we try to convince. You mean liar, liar? Yeah. What a great segment. Great segment.

All right. All right. Let's. I bet you guys would do great at that. Oh. Let's close this down. All right. What did we learn today?

A lot. A lot. I learned, I did not know the Napoleon thing and I do not accept it. Yeah. Napoleon was maybe up to my knee. I learned if you want to go on a vacation by yourself, you send the other people on the vacation. That was really, really smart. And I learned how gullible humanity is.

If we hear something, it is a fact. Research these things, people. We can't tell if something's real on the internet. We couldn't tell if something was real when people were just telling it to our face. We couldn't tell if something was real when people were saying, just pee on it. I mean, come on, use a little common sense. That's because we all want secret knowledge.

Because when we hear it, instead of deciding if it's true, we want to go tell our friends that we know the secret. Guess what I just heard? If when we hear it, instead of deciding if it's true, we want to go tell our friends that we know the secret. Guess what I just heard? If you piss on it. Oh, dude. Cool. That really should be the answer for more things, though.

Just pee on it. Yeah. It's like rub some dirt on it. Just take a whiz, man. All right. That is it for today's Spitballers podcast. Thanks for tuning in, listening, supporting the show. We appreciate each and every

one of you and guess what we're gonna make another show yeah goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballers