Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Naked Wisdom & Favorite Fictional Sports Characters - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

Spit Hit for May 26, 2022: On today’s show, we are giving out some solid Life Advice to those who need it most. Thankfully, they turned to the experts and their lives will, no doubt, be forever changed. We discuss topics such as exploring the ocean floor, living on a sailboat, changing our last names, and locker room awkwardness. We close out the show with a draft of our favorite fictional sports characters. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Today's show is all about wisdom. This is the kind of wisdom that everybody needs. That's why you reach out to the spitballers and you say, I need life advice. I need wisdom. And we are giving you naked wisdom today. Not just regular wisdom. We've got straight up bear wisdom for you. And we're drafting our favorite fictional sports characters.

It's an all-timer. Enjoy the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's my fault that I won't scat today with Joe. I don't, I don't, I hate to say this. I mean, it's a bad start. It's a terrible start. Just saying, I mean, it's a bad start. It's a terrible start.

Just saying, I mean, it's just really wasn't a scat. No. I mean, that's really where it went south is you began your scat without a scat. Well, we've started singing these things. It all started with Owl singing his in. And I remember that first time where he got all the love for that scat. I remember thinking, that's not a scat. Scatting is not with words, right?

Am I wrong about that? You can have a little bit of a beep, boop, bop, boop, beep, bop tone. Those aren't words. You kind of pace to it. If it sounds like a scat, then he sneaks words in. Mike, you understand. Well, the situation was- A speed up, boop, bop,op beep that's a scat but before i agree

before the scat started it sounded like there was like pigeons coming in into the podcast i was getting people hyped i was getting them all hyped welcome into the spitballers podcast episode 97 obviously like cardi b working up towards the ultimate scout. Whoever has to scout on episode 100, I don't know, but be warned. That's a lot of pressure. I think mathematically we can figure out that it is Jason. I don't think so. Oh, it is?

Oh, no. You're 98. I'm 99. Yes, it is Jason. That's really easy to figure out, actually. Yes! But my recommendation is just wing it, man. Just wing it. We have Would You Rather on the show today. Life advice.

We've got a great draft. Excited to have you with us. Thanks for supporting the show at spitballerspod.com. Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, wherever you're listening to the show. We appreciate you spitwads out there. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for reviewing. We like to read those reviews from time to time review asaurus rags this one comes in by austin from houston that's that's neat oh my'm confused already. Yes. I believe it's from Florida.

Oh, my gosh. Levels of funny. Five stars. So I've been wanting to write a review for a while, but I haven't because I'm extremely lazy. But episode 93 was by far the hardest I have ever laughed at a podcast. The whole hour was belly laughs. I've never heard the, quote, I have nipples, Greg, comment executed quite so perfectly before. Once you start listening to this podcast, it'll become part of your weekly ritual.

I'd give it 10 stars if I could. Keep up the great work, guys. Thank you, Austin from Houston. Yeah, Houston, we have an Austin. Is that what the situation is? Oh, my. I'm disappointed I mean they cap you at five stars but I appreciate the five conceptual additional stars

it makes us feel good that's true or you could just tell your friend to give us five stars and then you add them together ooh yeah I'm no mathematician but you can steal your friend's phone that's right. You don't have to be a mathematician to steal things.

Wait, just... Hold on. No, I... I recommended sharing the podcast with your... Steal your friend's stuff. I'm trying to get the show bigger, and you're like, no, just steal the phone and review the show. Steal things from your friends.

I think Andy is including subscribing when you rate on your stolen friend's phone. In which case, we are growing. Our download numbers are taking off. If everyone out there is stealing a friend's phone and hardcore subscribing us on that phone, giving us five... What's the difference between subscribing and hardcore?

I think you can go into settings and you can download the entire catalog, which sounds great. You're responsible, each of you spitwads out there, there for 10 stars i don't care how you get them you could get you you could steal one friend's phone and give five that's how i do it yeah it's better than 10 one stars yeah i do yeah i go that way okay let's get into this this would you rather all right would you rather question from lydia on twitter would you rather eat only canned food for the rest of your natural life or have to hunt and harvest all your food but then you have a professional chef cooking it for you for free wait i mean come on this is this is not hard would you like to enjoy every meal forever

because it's perfect out of a can or would you rather starve to death because you can find no food to give your professional chef to make you yeah i i think it's very obvious the canned food is the the choice here because i've never caught or harvested anything ever do you think you could like let's say we're on an island we're stranded no no you're you're gonna die if you don't actually like and no no jokes here okay this is not a place for jokes but it do you too and i'll throw myself into this great question as well believe that it's supposed to be right now jason i'm in my bathroom i'm in my carpeted bathroom oh it's a carpeted bathroom oh my god i can't see the glorious no i do it was so luxurious i didn't think it was a bathroom i thought it was

like a spa somewhere it does look really romantic the thing is is i was you know the only place i could find was my bathroom to record and of course that's bad acoustics so i put carpet everywhere oh that's smart sorry to interrupt you you were asking me if i could survive no not if you could survive but if because i know you die but if you were on the island and you had nothing, you were just airdropped out of a plane, but somehow landed safely on your feet. Okay, you have a parachute. Could you catch a wild animal and procure meat food?

Is this an island filled with chickens i mean if it's an island filled with chickens yes uh if it's a normal have you ever caught a chicken i think i could catch a chicken yeah i'm not doubted even if it took me hours have you ever experienced chasing a chicken and picking one up because because many many people are, including my wife, they're frightened by the flapping of wings. You don't know what a bird is going to do. The chicken is the grasshopper of the birds. That's a good comp, Andy, because I totally know what you mean. You go to catch a grasshopper, and when it jumps 12 feet, it's terrifying. You don't know where it's going?

There's no harm in it. They're not going to hurt you. I had a buddy growing up, one of my best friends for multiple years. They had chickens. They had ducks. I have tons of experience cornering a chicken and picking them up, and I have no problem doing it. I'm just curious if you've ever actually done it. I have done it many a time because at our two houses ago, we used to have chickens and we'd let them out from time to time. And when we had to get them back in the chicken

run, my goodness, it was not easy. It's doable and you can get it done. I know you had eggs from those chickens. Yes. Did you ever have chicken from those chickens no no the one thing i don't i've talked about this with my wife before i i could hunt like i i could do that and some people would say that i've never done it but i i i think i could go through with it i think i could you know shoot a deer and i want the meat but what what I could not do under any circumstances is the process to get the meat. The butchering? Yeah. Skinning?

Exactly. Skinning. I mean, I couldn't de-feather a chicken in my wild. I could kill a chicken, but I couldn't take its feathers out while it doesn't feel. I don't know how that makes any sense, but it's the honest truth. I could never prepare just to be clear they would find they'd find you on the island dead of hunger next to dead chicken just couldn't prepare to eat because i ate raw chicken that was my best truck i died of salmonella everything on this show comes back to raw chicken snacks yes now just to rein it rein it back in you guys this

thank you question is not uh you're on an island um and you have to kill an animal with your bare hands so it's you can hunt and let's say your professional chef will is also a butcher can i hunt on a big cow farm because i can do that i can tell you right now uh Owl, my chef is Boyardee. It just shocks me that this question is so easy for you guys. It's really not for me. You're telling me that for you, you would rather have to hunt and procure and harvest your food rather than have it just done for you in a delicious canned product. Dude, have you ever had corned beef hash? It's freaking great

none of us know how it would get old for your whole life and i don't know you could kill one big animal and eat for a while you have no same animal over and over we meanwhile jason and i have unlimited amounts of food everything's in the can everything alborland does not understand the variety that cans provide if you want corns or green beans or what whatever you it's it's there it i mean your your options are limitless i'm gonna eat like a king for at least 10 years before i die of a heart attack carcinogens none of us know none of us own the weapon to do the hunting none of us know where to drive to do the hunting none of us could get said hunted item back someplace we are very much children that need our canned food i am not

confident in my gardening abilities either okay i don't even think a vegetarian life's gonna save me here my carrot that i grow is gonna be an inch and a half long and it's gonna take me months you grow one carrot you're not even planting more than one all of my carrots will be little bitty baby carrots at completion of life which is months down the road i'm dead i'm just look give me all the canned food i've been enjoying the canned food life i'm gonna stick with it here all right i think we're all going that way chef boyardee neil from patreon would you rather be able to explore all of the ocean floor

or explore space? You will be safe and you will be able to breathe in both environments. This is a question for people? Space? How are you not in a house? Look, okay. Lay up!

Alright, let's play devil's Look, okay. Lay up. All right. Let's play devil's advocate here for Neil because they always talk about how the ocean is actually the last frontier of... We have no idea what's going on down there. And the deeper we go... It's the second to last frontier, Mike, because space is literally the final frontier right there's a show all about that space i feel like the final frontier

look that's a fictional show number one so these are the voyages of the submarine enterprise i'm not taking my facts from a science fiction television show the the question is like you hear i mean you hear about how we've actually explored kind of more space than underwater i i've i've heard that i i guess i can't say for sure that that is true but i know that the deeper we go the crazier stuff that we find down there so it would be amazing to be able to see and explore the ocean's depths because we've never done it is it has not been angler fish they're like the ones with the lights that hang over their heads to trick other fish into swimming into their mouths yes i've seen finding nemo i mean come on uh everyone's seen finding nemo mike no here's the deal I don't get my facts

from a movie I don't get my facts from a fictional movie he gets it from the documentary Finding Nemo no here's the truth I started thinking about this right because you're right Andy

it's completely up of course everyone's going to pick space except that's the wrong pick it is 100 100 the wrong pick this doesn't come with a warp drive you're you're safe out there you can go out no i'm just saying explore it i have to walk to the moon i'm not floating out there you're going the the look yes if i have to walk to the moon, Jason, I'm going to take the ocean. Well, I'm just saying there's so much space. You know what I mean? In space. There's a lot of space in space. To steal a line from Dave Matthews, the space between.

Oh, that was like your scat. Yeah. Also great. The reality is it's going to be boring, I think. I think i mean okay let's say you get to the moon you get to mars walk around mars okay it's it's novel you're on you're on this red planet i'm the first person on mars yes it's so cool that's right walk around and explore all the divots and all the dirt and just oh my goodness this is so red and i mean now go where there's a place teeming with life that could kill you no you're safe oh that's the question you are

if you're safe i'm scooching over to jupiter i'm sliding down to neptune and beyond baby enjoy your vast nothingness the ocean will be be a whole new world that you can explore where things are happening around you and changing. And that's not happening in space. Like on a grand scale, of course, everything is happening and changing. But like you're not, you know, you're not. So this big devil's advocate argument, is this your vote then? Are you sticking by all this? I am going to take underwater.

I'm with Jason out this one i'll take yeah because al said good luck finding a sunken pirate treasure in space okay guys let me let me ask you this i'm taking space let me ask you this who's the first person who landed on the moon who's the first person to touch the moon herbert hoover i'm asking like I'm proving a point here who is the first person that touched the moon Neil Armstrong who is the person who has gone the deepest in the ocean James Cameron okay but that's like I know the answer it's James I think that's a that's a bad argument why is that a bad argument I knew the answer no no no it's not you Jason I said it's a that's a bad question because that I mean sure it's not's not James Cameron, by the way. It's like saying how do you want to be famous.

It was James Cameron when he did it. Yeah, and then someone else has gone deeper and you don't know who it is. That's because James Cameron is- He made Terminator. He's a leader of men. Mike is always about that glory. I'm just looking to explore something cool and space is very unexplored and cool. So I'm going to vote space.

Jason and Al go dark, bottom of the sea. I don't really go water. Yeah, I hope you have some good lights out there. Because the thing is, we've seen it. And I know that we haven't explored the true depths, but we've seen it. We have seen up close and personal nothing in the galaxy in reality so let me let me try my best you know you know what's down there giant hideous monsters that are trying to murder you but you're safe in this question yeah wait oh wow you are safe and otherwise there's

no there's no debate i think we know that there's not a lot going on down there like maybe there's some stuff we don't know but the further down oh there's smaller these things are getting no there's a little bioluminescent butthairs someone's never seen the abyss yes giant squid another documentary from a movie? Yes. What on earth? The documentary The Abyss taught me a lot about what's at the bottom of the sea. It might surprise you. I love movies, but as someone who has seen a lot of them, it does become very blurry at a point. The things where I remember them as factual information and only until i go oh wait i saw

that in a movie yeah i have no idea if that's true or not and here's the thing what is deep down there in the abyss i just want to remind you all also directed by james cameron my man james cameron James Cameron. My man, James Cameron. All right, Colin from the website. Would you rather add Mick to the beginning of your last name or add Worth to the end of it? Mick Morworth? So either Mick Wright or Wright Worth. Mick Moore or Morworth. Where is Worth from?

What country of origin are we talking about here america this is it's not america i mean it is now it's worth some it's definitely some it's it's got to be european i think it's probably i mean it sounds like you know come from british royalty or something that's what it feels like mick holloway or your guys are very easy because holloway worth doesn't work no it does not and maybe you maybe you append that it's hollow worth but mick holloway i don't know that sounds like uh this question asking if we should become irish yes. I mean, well, yes, first off. But also, I mean, what sounds cooler to you?

You got to change your last name. What sounds cooler to you? Dude, Mick Moore is awesome. Mick Moore is very cool. I got the alliteration there. Is that better, though, than Moresworth? Yes, it is. Yeah, Moresworth.

Wrightsworth, Mr. Wrightsworth? Mr. Wrightsworth? I think Wrightsworth is the way that you go, because McWright sounds McWrong, but Wrightsworth... I don't know. I kind of like it. Dr. Wrightsworth. Paging Dr. Wrightsworth. Oh, man.

You sound so valuable. Paging Dr. McWright. You have worth, and you are correct. Here's the problem. The only worth i can think of is mr ducksworth i know from from uh mrs butters oh okay all right all right i'm with it i'm with mrs buttersworth the problem with the mick is quiet quiet mr ducksworth even though we say it's associated with like for us it might be more associated with like a mcmuffin

have didn't did mrs buttersworth marry the duck is that how she got this name i'm just wondering like this could be a couple this could and you know hiding it but uh i'll have to look into that yes i just i don't feel i don't feel educated enough to give a proper response here well you just pick what you prefer i pick mcmore i like mcwright i have to go make holloway but but here's the thing i like i said that all i can think of is duck's word all i can think of is from a movie oh from make screwed everything comes back to duck everything well most things in life come back to ducks yes oh my gosh all right uh al should we do another would you rather should we move on to life advice what do you think let's do one more all right whitney from patreon would

you rather spend the rest of your life with a sailboat as your home? Oh, no. Or an RV as your home? Oh, no. Hmm. All right. Well, I'll have to bow out of this one, fellas, because would you rather spend the rest of your life horrifically seasick every single day or being a BA RV, just driving around awesome so you like RVs uh look the fact that I like where am I gonna sleep tonight oh yeah wherever I want to no you're gonna sleep on

that tiny bed that's a top you know that pulls down in your RV like sure my my father had an rv for a little while and man i couldn't imagine living in it's so small whereas on a on a boat obviously just as small on a sailboat this is not a yacht well no there's large sailboats there's i'm gonna say that the living quarters are the you know equal size here um but you can walk out on the deck and you've got everything yeah i mean there's a reason when i'm on a boat i don't feel like the reason on an rv is like oh i could drive my house i will die i'll die on that boat like the odds of me surviving are insane okay okay i wake up in an rv and it's where am i gonna go today oh i don't know i'm gonna drive through uh i'm gonna drive through oklahoma maybe head down to florida i don't know and I'm going to drive through Oklahoma, maybe head down to Florida.

I don't know. And you guys on the sailboat, what am I going to do? Oh, I'm going to look at more ocean. No, because you're not. Are you driving that RV to Hawaii, Mike? Oh, I'm sorry. Are you taking a sailboat to Hawaii? Yes, I am.

But you're on the sailboat. You don't get to go to Hawaii because you're on the sailboat. That's true. I do have to stay there. It's just your home. You don't have to stay to Hawaii because you're on the sailboat. That's true. I do have to stay there. It's just your home. You don't have to stay in your home. Right. That's just where you sleep.

So here's the thing, Mike. It's like if we had either of these as our home, those are our home. We get used to them. The novelty wears off. You are in an RV where you're not going to be like, I to go to oklahoma because who would want to do that but what on a sailboat i can i can go up the coast and have an incredible view and go from port town on weekends which one is the port and which one is the starboard jason let's let's test your uh basic naval education look starboard is going to be to the right and port is going to be to the left if I'm looking at the

steering wheel. Dang it. That was the correct You had a 50-50 shot. I had a 50-50 shot and I nailed it. Say it with conviction. Darn right. Of course I knew that. I'm going to go sailboat. That's my final answer.

Guys, you have to know how to sail. I think that comes down. There's a manual. They give you a little walkthrough. Yeah. They're like, pull this thing here. It's a Tesla. It's a Tesla sailboat.

Oh, Tesla makes sailboats. I'm in. I am in on. Well, then I'm in on the sailboat because the boat just goes wherever I tell it to go. There's not enough Dramamine in the world for you to be in on the sailboat, Mike. You guys are the worst. I'll be in my RV just chugging along. All right, let's give some advice. Spaywads, I want to talk to you about our friends over at Peloton, making fitness easy and making fitness fun. I'm coming up on my two-year anniversary

with my Peloton, and I'm coming up on my 300th ride as well. And every time I jump on the bike, I'm still excited. I still love it because I know that I'm going to get a kick butt musical soundtrack. The playlists are always great. And I know that I'm going to have a strong ride with some of my favorite instructors. Like if I want to set my soul on fire with motivation, I know that Alex will be there. If I want to just, you know, have a Zen ride, I know that my dude Dennis is going to be there. Like there's an instructor for all different personalities. My wife rides and she has her own favorite instructors as well. You can find people that you connect with.

rides and she has her own favorite instructors as well. You can find people that you connect with. You leave the bike feeling full. You feel like you get energy. You've always heard the, oh, we got to work out to get energy. Like I don't have the energy. Trust me. After a few rides, you will experience that. You will leave the bike feeling like you have the energy to take on the day. And right now, it is the perfect time to try out Peloton. The Peloton Bike Plus is now $500 less. It's the best price yet, including free delivery and setup. And there are more game-changing prices available on the original Peloton Bike and Peloton Tread. Visit onepeloton.com to learn more spitballers to the rescue rvs just seem like a lot of work yeah but i know i like i don't want to drive a giant thing on the road i don't want to have to find a place i agree i look i am not like i'm a good driver of my small car yeah when the larger the vehicle gets the harder the driving gets the harder the parking gets i don't know if i'm up to driving an rv but 100 like right now you drop me on a sailboat i can't do anything yeah that's that becomes a

sail float yes when i get a sailboat the first thing i do now is i buy an engine and i turn that thing into a speedboat because i can drive that maybe you just put some sails on an rv that's another option all right connor from the website I have a friend that started dating his girlfriend four years ago. They're both 19 now. While he was dating this girl. Oh, come on. No. His father met and started dating his girlfriend's mom. Oh, snap. What would you do if you were in that situation? Would you keep dating your potential future stepsister? Yes. Oh, this is a great. This is important.

That is unfortunate. But. Look, shame on your. Look, I get that. I get that your father and whatever. Like the situation. It's probably a little dire because if you're 19 that mean and your your father is looking for love in this life but come on man you can't you can't do that this

is totally normal if you just don't have the stepsister part in your brain what do you mean what no no no but but that's that you can't remove that that's there but that's a cool novelty trick did you just say it's cool yes because there's nothing wrong with it there's it's really it there really is nothing wrong with it it's not they're not blood relatives they're not blood relatives tiger king would do it they are step relatives jason but they're they're post step relatives they're not step relatives from the get-go he didn't meet his stepsister and be like hey you're looking fine this is they were dating for four years you can't get in the way of the love of your father and you're not gonna

leave because of a novelty trick imagine when you're doing the way of the love of your father, and you're not going to leave because of a novelty trick. Imagine when you're doing the two truths and one lie thing at your work event. I married my stepsister. Boom. Imagine getting fired on the spot. And lost my job. You did what, man? Told him I married my stepsister.

Lost a lot of respect. And a J-O-B. That is, I mean, this situation is ridiculous. This has to have happened. It has to have happened. Like many, many times. Because if I'm a father, right, and I go to work, there's no one there, and in my circle of life, I'm not in school, I'm not in college,

I'm not going out to wherever you're meeting. Yeah, you might not have someone to meet all of a sudden you meet the mother of your son's girlfriend and you yeah she's a nice lady and you're single and all of a sudden love happens why do you get in the way of love mike why why do you hate love tell mike that's the question why do you hate love look this is not a matter of's the question. Yeah, honestly, good question. Why do you hate love? Look, this is not a matter of hating love. This is a matter of finders keepers. I was here first. So then the son needs to say, dad, you're out.

Yeah. Look, it's the first one married. First one to get married wins. The other one has to back out. Oh, yeah. The other one has to get out. You got to flip it. Are you?

Wait, hold on. But what's the relationship? We got to break this down. So you're married. Now you yeah you wait hold on but what's the relationship we gotta break this down so you're married now you're just marrying your mother-in-law that's not a big but it's no no your mother-in-law yeah you're which that's not a big deal actually related solution i've got the solution the kids get married no the kids get married first the kids get married first because that's not your stepsister right you're not marrying your stepsister okay and then afterwards the grown-ups get married because the grown-up can say i married my father my my son's mother-in-law that making the daughter the stepsister no but you didn't marry the stepsister that's true it would be one point

of deniability on this exactly twisted messed up i did not marry my stepsister stepson. I mean, what happens, Mike, what happens, let's say you get married, and you're married to this woman, right? You, Mike, are married to your wife, and all of a sudden, years, 10 years from now, all of a sudden, tragedies happen, and love strikes, and your father and her mother get married. Now you're married to your stepsister,

but you did nothing wrong, and love should prevail. No. Can we not give advice? Is that an option here, Al? I gave the best advice. Kids marry first, parents marry second. Jason, or Mike went finders keepers.

Parents don't get to marry. I think it's a race. Whoever got married first, the other has to back out and run away. That's't get to marry. I think it's a race. Whoever got married first, the other has to back out and run away. That's what I'm saying. I'm with that. Chris from the website has hopefully an easier question. I worked at the same time. I work out. I work out at the same time. I work out at the

same time at the same gym every day. After my workout, I shower and head back oh this is not good this is not trending you never want locker room workout stories roughly half the time i'm greeted by the very same elderly naked man that wants to chat seemingly oblivious to the awkwardness but he seems like a smart guy with some great stories what is what is the best way to soak up some ageless wisdom but minimize the amount of time spent conversing with an old naked man oh oh chris i think we've all been there have we all been there one look one thousand percent i have never been there

okay then you've you've clearly never experienced he's never been to a public gym. That's what he just said. I've never been to a public gym. Exactly. That's exactly our point. So being part of a public gym requires this experience? No, no, no, no. It does not require. It's just part of the experience. One thing, you can have a list of things you know for sure about elderly men.

you know for sure about elderly men and on that list is they have no shame walking around a gym locker a public gym locker room with nothing on below the waist oh they'll happily wear a t-shirt like they will donald duck this situation they'll donald duck or they'll they will go full nude they will they don't care because like i've i've old and you don't care because I've had. You're old and you don't care. I've had the gym memberships. I left my towel in the sauna. Let me go get it. I've had the gym memberships.

I've been in the locker room, and it is. But now here's the thing. No, it is rough. I have not really conversed. I mean, you do the keep to yourself. So this is taking it to another level. This is a smart guy. He's got great stories.

He's got great stories and wisdom. He's got wisdom. Okay, so I'll pose it to you, Jason, because I can say that I've never experienced it. I've never had said dangly man trying to converse with me in the gym locker room. Have you ever experienced that? I've had passing words more like uh casual greetings like hey you know how's it going those type of things um look i would say you do deepen your voice a little bit to get through it no that was him that was uh no i

thought that was you like my response is how are you doing my response is a head nod it's one of those oh you're naked are you i uh look i have responded acceptably to your uh how's it going comment with a head nod my head nod and my silence says not here for the chat look i would say the low-hanging fruit here and i i would say the low-hanging fruit here is you get ready towards your locker you you do that but you can you continue to converse because you want to hear these great stories from this wise man but if you are talking and your back is to them you're not rude if your back is to them and you're not talking it's rude how naked are you no you're you're a look you're a middle-aged guy yeah Yeah, I got my towel on. I will shower in my underpants.

I'm putting my boxers on under the towel. Wait, have you done that, Mike? I've never showered in a public gym. Oh, you haven't? You skipped the old shower. And no judgment, no shame on those who have to do it. I've done it a hundred times. I've done it a hundred times.

Are you the old man in this story, Jason? Are you? You're the old man. Let's give it out. I've got great stories. My stories are great. Look, Sonny, I've got some stock tips for you.

How do you not listen if an old guy is trying to give you stock tips? How do you not listen even though old guy oh he's trying to give you stock tips how do you not listen even though you can't look at him oh man uh what's the best way to soak up some wisdom yeah yeah yeah uh i say you talk uh with your back to the man i skip the wisdom i you skip the wisdom i say you converse with your back to him get ready and leave oh just the stock tip all right nick from twitter i've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year and have never addressed her parents by any sort of name

mr and mrs feels too formal addressing them by first names seems disrespectful what should i do also what do i call her aunts uncles and grandparents this one's easy how have you been dating someone for a year and you've never addressed their parents well it's the fear they don't know this is why they come to us for advice. So you just say, when they talk to you, you go, hey. They don't want to be too casual or too formal. So instead, they've looked like an idiot the whole time. Hey, you. Hey, you.

That's what you go with. Oh, hey, there you are. This is based on relationships. First of all, you throw out the aunt's uncle's grandparents. They're just first name. Those are just first name. Those are. Those are. They might as well be straight great great great the parent you you just let them correct the formal that's what i do let them correct the formal start with that's

good you just say uh mr moore uh oh no no do you call mr moore's my dad call me so you you start at the very formal that's what i mean you start at formal because it's perceived as respect. You start at informal, can be perceived as disrespect. And if they don't want you to be formal, they'll just correct you one time and bing, bang, boom. Let me ask you guys this. And this is like everyone is very different. Everyone has a different answer. And I don't think there's a right or wrong answer.

When kids are talking to you, do you like being called Mr. Holloway? Or are you fine with Andy when a kid talks to you? Jason, same question for you. Oh, I didn't realize this was just for Andy. I'm so excited to answer the question. Well, you started butting in before I could finish my question. Well, because I love the question. And I'm 100% fine with either.

But when a kid addresses me as as mr moore even mr oh my father's mr moore do you give him that one oh no i love it i just honestly the kids that i know that have done that i'm in they're actually really no it's not it's not about me it's about the kid like i don't feel like oh i'm something fancy they think i'm mr more now it's it's like that is a really respectful kid who i and every kid that i've ever known that has called me mr more because it's not been a bunch all right got good parents so i'm all about that kid it does reflect well on did you do it kid just like it would respect reflect well on the boyfriend did you do it jason where I called every single grown-up

was Mr. or Mrs. I called all the grown-ups by their first name, including teachers who didn't like it. Teachers? Oh, no, not in a school situation. In a school situation, it was Mr. or Mrs.

Not one time did I call a teacher by a first name no i honestly don't do that either i honestly my my high school uh i think i had her two different years for two different english classes uh kim i don't remember her last name i don't remember she was wonderful great teacher And this is your stepsister. And I and so, you know, I like that. Here's here's my tip, because you're right. And you start with formal.

You start with formal because if they correct your informal, they are saying that you are being rude. Oh, that's if they correct your formal, they're saying, hey, I love you. Yeah. Here's the way. If you want to go with the first name you do it with the hug you know if it's kim you say oh nice to see you kim and you embrace hold on okay what you did with the teacher okay okay well that's a whole no no i did not hug all right okay okay but what kind of hug... Okay, you are the one who is opening up to the hug.

Is this, I'm going... This is full bear hug. My bird wings are spread. I got two hands. Or are you offering hip and one arm? No, because that can be rejected. The side hug is easily rejected. So you're suggesting we don't social distance anymore.

That's what you're suggesting. Well, I mean, yeah. As life moves on, a nice big bear hug is great. I mean, you can give it. How about this? How about get up and hug your laptop on your Zoom screen and say, it's so nice to see you, Kim. You saying it, I'm not a part of you calling your teacher Kim.

I don't know Kim, and I feel awkward with you doing it. I do too. It's triggering something deep inside. It feels like you are betraying the organic relationship between child and adult. I wish I could remember her last name. Kim, if you're out there and you're listening, find a way to contact me because I don't remember your last name.

But you are a great teacher. You once sent me to detention for a very awkward moment. Oh, I remember that. That's a good story. That's not on here. Al, should we get into the draft or we got time for another? Let's get into the draft.

All right, let's do it. Al, should we get into the draft or we got time for another? Let's get into the draft. All right, let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. Oh, it's just so much easier to just start formal. You're so respectful then. Think about how Jason feels.

That's how you make them feel. That's how you make them feel. Really good point. So for you guys to answer the question, do you feel that's how that's how you make them feel really good point i so to to your for you guys to answer the question would do you feel that too do you feel like if a child comes up and says mr right mr holloway do you feel like good like they're respectful and they've never looked at you i feel a little bit weird i've never had a kid do it ever what yeah wow no that's not true they don't respect you i've had a couple it makes me feel old it makes me feel like i want to drop to know my father is mr right i will say this father was never that here's the truth for the last five or ten years i really like it ten

years from now when i'm actually getting into my older years, I probably won't like being called Mr. Because then it implies old instead of implying respect. Does it make a difference if it's Mr. Jason or Mr. Morp? Mr. Jason's the informal. My kid calls you guys Mr. Mike and Mr. Andy and Mr. Jason. Yeah, and that's nice.

It's fine. I'm not going to change a way that a parent wants their child to call me but that doesn't bother me. But I won't correct any kid. Do you teach your kids to do that? Do you teach your kids to address other kids' parents? Oh, my kids are like, hey, bro. That's how my kids do it. I have such respect for the parents who teach their kids that. And you asked that question, Andy, i just realized i've never never taught i have no respect for myself as a parent i have not taught my kids to do that i

should thank you i'm gonna make a note here teach my children it's funny how there are things that we think we would we would like our kids to do but we don't think about like making them do it because you just said how it made you feel, and obviously the kids could do it, and that would be a form of respect, but I don't think I've ever taught that. It's different now, though. Those little turds got bad parents.

20 years ago. There you go. All right, we are drafting favorite fictional sports characters. So we're picking movie characters from sports movies. Our favorite fictional sports characters characters this was a suggestion from well someone out there I don't remember it's a good suggestion it could have been Twitter

it's a good idea I just like that you brought it up and you clearly had nothing close to an answer I wanted people to understand that we take their ideas. We don't just come up with ideas. We do. For my first pick, I select I have no idea what I'm doing here.

I have no list of players. So Jason has the first pick after that sensational scat. Yeah. I have a huge list. I mean, apparently I love sports movies. Tanner Coe. Tanner Co. Tanner Co. Oh, Tanner like Tanner Company?

Yeah, it was the Tanner Company. All right, go on. They make the beds that. Big Tanner. Yeah, they make you. Tanneries are really taking off. I've got most of my stocks in tanneries. I have ordered a tanning bed.

Okay. I hear those are really good for your health. They're the same thing. They're totally the same as... Alright, so favorite fictional... As tanning a hide. As tanning a hide. They're identical. Which you couldn't do because you couldn't get the hide off of the meat.

We already established that. Oh, no. So, Jason, you get the first pick. There are so many that I want here. I regret having the first pick. I wish I had the third. Mike, I think you've got the best spot because you could... I'm pretty happy with my position. There's a run of characters that I really want.

One specifically that I'll be so upset if you get. I know who that is. Yeah. Shoot. Don't make the wrong pick, Jay. Well, I mean, look. At the top, I think that there's an obvious pick, and I feel obligated to take it. No, no, no, no, no.

Jason, take your favorite. Look, I love this character. Is he or she really your favorite? He is not my one-on-one favorite. Or it? He or she or it is not my one-on-one favorite, so no. However, you still have to play the game. You have to play the game because I know that some of these guys can get back to me.

This one won't. And I do really love the Rocky movies. So I think when I look here, I'm going to take Rocky. I'm going to take one of the most iconic sports. How many fake made up characters have a real life statue? Yeah, he's on the list. Let me ask you guys this and i will i will reveal for me jason you just selected rocky as your first favorite fictional sports character how many

of the rocky movies have you seen also how many rocky movies are there i've seen all the rocky movies how many are there so let's see i think they made port or starboard now no this this isn't a 50 50 because there were a lot of them uh the first three were excellent i think they made uh i'm not gonna count apollos i remember four five and six um and then i think they made a weird seventh movie that was not it was kind of like indiana jones four um and, of course, the creeds, the Apollo movies. So, how'd I do, Mike?

I will tell you the truth. I don't know. So, you're taking Rocky Balboa. Yeah. Which is obviously an iconic and great picture. Wait, is that true? Yes. No.

Yeah, it did. It did? Yeah. It was a great movie. Wow, is that true? Yes. No. Yeah, it did. It did? Yeah. It was a great movie. Wow. What a bunch of crappy movies came out that year. Because I'm not, we're picking favorites. We're not picking like my four guys have to play a game against your four guys or something

like that. That is correct. That is correct. We're picking favorites. favorites so the problem is mike here because mike owns in on certain very specific characters that is killing me a little bit but i'm gonna get true all right i'm just gonna go with my favorite i have to interrupt you real quick because i just want to i want to i want to keep myself uh honest it looks like I was one off. Is there eight?

No, the other direction. Oh, there's only six. There were the original five, and then there were six. Yeah, the Rocky Balboa, and then the Creeds. Okay, go on, Andy. What's your pick? I am going to go with... At the number two spot.

Already tilting. You know what? I'm going'm gonna change because i think the other guy's gonna come back to me i'm gonna go with gordon bombay head coach of the mighty ducks he's on my list favorite kid i would work i'm worried about him getting through mike so i'm gonna go gordon bombay head coach of the mighty ducks well that's a fictional coach let me put you at ease he was not in my top two so he would have made it back to you that does not put you at ease. He was not in my top two, so he would have made it back to you. That does not put me at ease at all. That makes me sad. Oh, I apologize.

Dang it. He was trying to put you at ease here. Oh, man. Al Borland says that was a great pick. Oh, no, but it's a great pick. He's on my list. All right. He might be top three.

I think my other will get back to me. So you got two. So number one. This is where I'm scared. I draft this movie every single time I get a chance. I will take Happy Gilmore with my first pick because he is the best. I'm fine with that. You're wrong.

Yeah, I'm comfortable. He's my favorite fictional sports character. Now it gets a lot tougher because there are many guys. There's one i have to have i and i look here's the problem jason no here's the problem i know i know who it is i know it 100 who it is and and i look jason i'm going to dm you right now okay all right or actually no no i don't even need to do that because i'll just say this person is above the law. That's all I will say about this person.

He's on my list, but that is not the one. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. All right, Mike. You have taken Happy Gilmore. I will take the person that I wanted to be my whole life, and this movie is still sensational. I will take Henry Rowan Gardnerner from rookie of the year oh yeah okay

yeah that's that's good where you get the superpower yes i'm i am a child some freak accident happens and somehow i get a super powered arm and now i'm pitching in major league baseball at the age of 12 or whatever how old he is all right i am going to go with show me the money oh it's good i love it rod tidwell from from jerry mcguire so i know jason wants cardinals player from one of the greatest sports movies ever in jerry mcguire so rod tidwell it helps that he was also in like a fictional cardinal universe it but that has to weigh in because that does weigh in but he is one of the most iconic sports movie characters of all time so i'm very happy to have gordon bombay and

rod tidwell i would not have drafted tidwell this draft but he had to be on my list because as an honorary member the fact that he was a cardinal and in one of probably my top 10 favorite movies all time. I think Jerry Maguire is a masterpiece. I really do. It's a great movie. And that, that movie had so many lines.

Show me the money. Oh, this is great. Okay. So I'm here and here's the pick. I didn't want you to take. And I actually, I was happy when you took happy Gilmore because I thought it would preclude

you from taking his best sports character of the sport we love come on bob are you kidding the water boy is the best sports character i almost took him with the 101 here i am in the second round you are sitting here in front of God and country proclaiming Bobby Boucher is a better character than Happy Gilmore. I think you're both crazy. To pick a comedy character. Well, no, I went with Gordon Bombay. Go on.

But mine's inspirational. Yours is inspirational. Yours is a comedy. No, the Waterboy. Look, first, it's football right versus golf um which movie he's a hockey player jason sure okay he's a hockey player same thing i don't care football um but the water boy character is so good and see that's who i wanted to be you wanted to be the rookie of the year i never watched it again waterboy um but oh rookie of the year you yeah it watch it again the problem is like me drafting henry is just i wanted to be he's not the best

character in the movie the best character in the movie is uh daniel stern i don't even know what the guy's name all right so for my for my second pick andy's gonna love this based on the fact that he was like oh you guys are pick a comedy guys guys, because Ricky Bobby. Ricky Bobby is on my list. Absolutely. He is on my list. When you talk about great comedic sport athletes and movies. That movie is great. Happy Gilmore, Waterboy, Ricky Bobby, that's the trifecta at the top.

So now I've got Rocky. See, this is why I played the game. I played the game because I wanted someone so serious so inspirational so world changing and I've got that and so now that's out of the way now I can go with my loves so Ricky Bobby and the water boy

oh boy yeah point of clarity we made sure before this draft that we were drafting fictional sports characters. Yeah, Babe Ruth is out of it. Otherwise, I'd be taking Michael Jordan from Space Jam or something, or we'd be taking Rudy. Rudy was a real character.

We brought up some of these other ones. We have seen the damage that Michael Jordan does to drafts. Yeah. You draft Michael Jordan. Oh, I thought about it. He's the December of months. Just shut the draft down. Because it's over.

So it's back to me? Yes. I'm going to go Daniel LaRusso from Karate Kid. Okay. All right. The Karate Kid. The Karate Kid. Yeah.

That's what you want to call him. That throws a wrench in my plan here. Oh, because you were going. Because now I'm the follower, and I was going to take the other character. Yeah. Wait, which one? Because. Miyagi.

Okay, that's who was on my list. I didn't know if you had the back. I wanted Miyagi. 100%, I wanted Miyagi. Yeah. Yeah, you could try to take the second option. That's cool. Yeah, the chronic kid.

Have you watched the movie? He's kind of a loser. Daniel's. He's kind of a. Of course, I've watched the movie. He's a whiny, wh Daniel's just... Of course I've watched the movie. He's a whiny little baby boy. It's where you end up. And when you end up as the inspiring character...

Look, Rocky had his ups and downs too. That's true. It's where you end up in that last crescendo of music. Rocky lost at the end of Rocky 1 for the reminder. That's true. If he dies. So I'm taking the Karate Kid as my third pick. All right. Well, that throws a wrench in the old plan here,

so we will have to pivot a little bit. But we are taking our favorite fictional sports characters. So with my first pick, I will take White Goodman. Oh, yes. That's so good. That's on my list. So good. I will take White Goodman. Oh, yes. That's so good. It's on my list. So good. I will take White Goodman.

Oh, I hate you. Dodgeball. He's so funny. Because he is simply the best. Now, here is where I am in quite the pickle. Because I have two characters. Nay, I have three characters here oh my gosh

Andy you put me in a really bad position here that's all I'm trying to do well I mean you put me in a better position for the drafts because you took the inferior character from the karate kid you can still take him, man.

I'm not, but I don't. Ah! All right. I will take, and here's my other, so I'm not trying to stall, but here's the third problem is one of my characters that I want to take, I had to look up his name because I don't know the name of the movie character, even though I could say the actor in the movie and you guys will go, oh, yes, that is a great pick. I have one on my list that is the same thing. I wanted that character.

That character meant a lot to me growing up, and yet I couldn't remember the character's name. But you know the actor in the movie. Oh, absolutely. And when I wrote it down, I'm like, I can't pick him because when i say the name to you guys you guys will say who and everybody would say who because i don't recognize the name at all and i watch this movie like i don't know 15 times i take it back to two of the three characters i want to draft have terrible terrible oh oh i i've i've just figured out how to change this i will draft teen wolf i'm not drafting his real name i will take teen wolf all right okay basketball because apparently

his name is scott howard which yeah we don't no one remembers that his name is scott no it's the teen wolf yeah that's why i mean i drafted karate kid i mean well no we all know we know we know daniel son i'm just saying this we know daniel son but we don't know what's his daniel daniel larusso i mean i wouldn't i think i knew that yeah yeah i mean i'm just saying wolf baby let's go you can take teen wolf i took the karate kid and now it's back to me yes and i will because you have forced my hand. Apparently, you all grew up in love with the comedy characters, not the walk-off home run characters.

So I have to compete with you, which means I have to take Shooter McGavin. Oh, yes. I'm going right after Happy Gilmore in this one. You should have taken Mr. Miyagi, Mike. Your two teams could just split the votes between Karate Kid and Happy Gilmore in this one. You should have taken Mr. Miyagi, Mike. Your two teams could just split the votes between Karate Kid and Happy Gilmore. Yeah, so I'll go Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore. It's solid.

I wish we went like four more rounds on this. What's such a wonderful enemy for Happy Gilmore? Let me ask you this. What's that actor's name? Oh, who knows? Shooter McGavin. Enemy for Happy Gilmore. Let me ask you this. What's that actor's name? Oh, who knows? Shooter McGavin. Yes, that's right. The actor's name is Shooter McGavin.

And he's like a super well-known, famous actor. He's in tons of movies. That's on his IMDb, though. His name is Shooter McGavin. When you watch a movie and you watch the credits at the end, you're like, oh, there's Shooter McGavin on the credits. That tells you you made a good character. Yeah. He was

great. Alright, so look, I'm sitting here as the happiest little boy that I could ever be because I pretty much got if not my, I mean I might have got my top four. I think I'm getting my top four. Here's the name that I had. Do either of you know who Billy Hoyle

is? Yeah, that's the response I expected. But Woody Harrelson from White Men Can't Jump, the character there was great, but I didn't remember Billy Hoyle. Alright, so I'm the last pick. Is this correct? The draft is over here. I already know who I'm taking. So I'm going to roll through

some names on my list that I'm not taking. Willie Beeman. You got Jamie Foxx from Any Given Sunday. It was great. Benny the Jet from Sandlot. He's not the good character. Yeah, it's hard to pick a Sandlot character. I know because they're all good.

But, you know, he's the catcher, whatever his name is. Ham. Ham. Yes, exactly. He's the best oneer, whatever his name is. Ham. Ham. Yes. He's the best one in the movie. Is he testing picks out right now? Is that what he's doing? No, no, no.

I know my pick for sure. Donnie Henson. I'm taking our listeners through a sports history fake lesson here. Donnie Henson, a league of their own. Although, wait, was she real? I can't remember if that. I don't think so. No.

It was based on a true story. You could have gotten a major league character, too. Yes. Are you drafting Wild Thing? I am not drafting Wild Thing. Shane Falco, if you want some Keanu Reeves in here. But, look, the one I'm taking is the one that you thought I might take with the first pick. Thought I was going to take it with the second.

You're welcome. How did it get back to me? Big Earn McCracken? Are you kidding me? Yeah, I know. It pains me. But I like Teen Wolf better. I mean, to get him from Kingpin, you know,

I almost want, you know, it's like, do you go Roy Munson? But Big Earn was such a good. No, you do not. What? Roy Munson? You take Ernie McCracken, man. I mean, it's just wonderful.

This draft went way differently than I would have imagined. Like, had it not gone that way, like Roy Hobbs from The Natural would have been at the very top of the list. That movie's incredible. What? You could have gone Denzel's character from Remember the Titans, the coach, Herman Moore. Here's the guy that, when I was talking the characters, it was Jimmy Dugan. Do you guys know? Recognize that name?

Hold on. Jimmy Dugan. I don't. That's Tom Hanks in League of Their Own. Oh, yes. And he is so good. There's no crying in baseball. He is so good in that movie.

But Jimmy Dugan has no name value. That movie is a national treasure. And everyone during these times where you're consuming as much television as possible, you need to go back and watch A League of Their Own. It is wonderful. Were there any other names on your guys' list? Also on my short list, I threw out It because Air Bud was chilling. Oh my God. Chilling on my list. He was gnawing your list. Yes, that one was on my short list, I threw out it because Air Bud was chilling. Oh, my God.

Chilling on my list. He was gnawing your list. Yes, that one was on my list. From He Got Game, Forrest Gump, if you want to count it. We had this discussion before the movie. Thankfully, it did not come down to this because we were talking about, okay, it doesn't matter if it's a sports movie or if it's a person who performs a sport a lot in a movie. Because you know I love Keanu so much.

I had Johnny Utah down here from Point Break. Oh, man. He does his fair – like the whole movie is about surfing. I wouldn't have thought about that one. I wouldn't have thought about it, yeah. But it didn't come to that. So I'm much happier having Teen Wolf. Necessary roughness.

I should have. Jason has Rocky Balboa, Bobby Boucher, Ricky Bobby, and Big Bird McCracken. A lot of Bs. That's right. Bill Murray. I have Gordon Bombay, Rod Tidwell, Karate Kid, and Shooter McGavin. Mike has Happy Gilmore, Henry Rowan Gardner, White Goodman, and Teen Wolf. I will say this looking at my list.

But it's favorites, so it's fine. There are some name problems. Henry Rowan Gardner is a problem. Yeah, that needs to be the rookie of the year. Oh, come on. He's just drafting movies now? Come on. What did we learn today?

What did we learn today? What did we learn today? Sorry about that. I didn't know you were going to continue your battle. It's all right. I already won. I'll change it. I'll change it in post. I learned that clearly based on the would you rather questions that began this show,

Al Borland finds it very easy to both hunt and eat wild game. So Al Borland is a huntsman. I learned that if I were in a long-term relationship, that one of my parents has no claim. No claim in a relationship with said spouse's parents. I see. And I learned that you just take the stock tip in the gym to make sure your portfolio stays strong. You get a little wisdom?

I get that wisdom in my life, yes. Get a little wisdom? All right, that is it for the Spitballers podcast. Thank you for tuning in. Take care. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast thanks for tuning in take care thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to