Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Never Big Spoon & Coolest Fictional Monsters - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

Spit Hit for January 29th, 2024: There is a big utensil disagreement on today’s show that we will need your help settling. Let us know where you stand on the topic. We also discuss some new wave thievery, exploring ancient pyramids, and meeting our teenage selves. We close it down with a draft of the coolest fictional monsters. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Now You went with the The like The singer thing Where you plug one ear To hear yourself better

Even though we have We have in-ears already We have in-ears We have earbuds on Right Did Did Jeremy turn the music off for you while you did that scat? No, no, no, no.

It was on. It was completely on, yeah. I know. Impressive. While you were doing the scat, the music was still on. I believe so. Okay. Al, you said you loved that one?

One of the worst. Okay. All right. Spitballers episode 213. I view this show through a single lens, okay? And it is before 212 and after 212. We are living in a post-defeating Al Borland time of life, and it is the meadows.

They're filled with flowers. We're winners. Ask me if I cared how that scat went. Jason, did you care about that scat? What scat? It doesn't even matter. Because it's post-212. It's post-212, baby.

We don't care about things anymore. Before Al and after Al. That's right. Don't care about nothing. Would Before Al and after Al. That's right. Don't care about nothing. Would you rather? That's a great question. And we are drafting the coolest fictional monsters on today's show. So that is a, well, there's a lot.

There's a lot to choose from. Like, just picking four monsters. I mean, and some of these. Some could be real. I mean, like, I'm sure there's some on your list that maybe you do believe they're real. You're saying because they haven't been discovered. Yeah, these are... Some of them have been discovered.

Yeah, these are monsters that are like... They're allegedly fictional. Right, allegedly fictional. Because of the cover-up. Yes. I'll be curious to find out what you guys select. Jason will have the first pick today. You can find us

on Twitter at SpitballersPod Instagram.com SpitballersPod and join the spit.com if you want to support the community. Send in your we're always eager to have your draft ideas your would you rather questions any suggestion you have at all. Your scat ideas Yeah We're always eager to have your draft ideas, your would-you-rather questions,

any suggestion you have at all. Your scat ideas. Yeah. Was that from a listener or was that Jason original? Oh, you could have blamed a listener. Totally a listener. Yeah. That one was not my fault at all. It was listener B nice BG nice 22 23 oh there it is yeah really good work

thank you all right well anything else could've gone Fred yeah but I mean there's too many usernames for that right. Let's get it going. Would you rather? Kyle from the website. Would you rather discover and explore an ancient pyramid or an old shipwreck? Ooh. Can you?

So, okay. First of all, education time. Always. I think they, education time. Always. I think they're on spitballers. I mean, that's what we're... This is listed as an educational podcast, right? Okay. Three credits.

There are insights to pyramids? Yes. Yeah, like, right. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Okay, so educational. Do you know the... It's like a tomb, right? It's a giant tomb, but... Okay, so educational. Do you know the use?

It's like a tomb, right? It's a giant tomb. So if you know it's a tomb, you know that someone goes in the tomb. Well, people go in a grave doesn't mean you can explore in the grave. Well, you could if you got a shovel. Look, my ambiguity around the pyramids' insides, as Jason said, is how spacious are they like are we talking it's pretty uh it's a couple narrow hallways in a in a tomb or is there a lot of i mean those pyramids are gigantic this is not like a costco right like you can't there's not a lot of you know space there's some

space they're not vaulted ceilings are they uh what's the lighting like in there? They got a lot of skylights? Very minimal. Pitch darkness. They got like fake doors and I think there's booby traps and things. Well, there's definitely booby traps. You don't build a tomb and just let people come through scot-free. You've got to get them. Yeah, because killing others is the key to a good tomb. Look, here's the thing. I I got to protect my final resting place.

Do you? Oh, for sure. If you're building a pyramid. Yes. You don't get a pyramid and not care about your final resting place. It's kind of really important to you at that point. And I don't have any sort of actual weights and measures to explain all of this. But I had watched some recent videos

about the creation of the pyramids. And it's just, it's perplexing how- How the aliens came? I mean, it really, like the argument that the aliens built the pyramids might be the most logical of the other arguments because the only thing that I could conclude after realizing how precise, because the pyramids are precise, right?

And they have massive, massive stones that are difficult to move anyways, right? Like it doesn't make any sense that we could have moved them. And then they have to be placed so precisely that, look, a pyramid, you're off a little bit and it doesn't go up to a point, right? Like it has to be mathematically perfect. You can't just fudge that into place. No, you're off a little bit, and it doesn't go up to a point, right? Like, it has to be mathematically perfect. You can't just fudge that into place. No, you can't just like... It's not a two by four, and you give it a little hip check, and it slides right in.

When I hang a picture on the wall, and I put about four different nail holes before I find the right one. What I'm saying, though, is that I think what happened is there is a technology that we have developed and lost that's my final conclusion something like a crane they no not like a crane like there's some form of moving heavy objects or precisely placing them that we invented and we being the world humans right and then we've lost it to time it was uh i think the secret is buried inside the pyramid it might be or the bunch of cranes in there the secret also might be just treat humans horrifically bad and force them to do things against their will i don't think slave labor

is the only explanation yeah there is some uh there's some magic to the specificities but i am looking at a um i'm looking at a an inside layout map of the pyramids is there booby traps for sure yes okay everywhere um but i will say this can't step anywhere without stepping into a booby trap there is the majority of the insides is solid yes so there's like hall there's like tiny hallways and corridors leading up to the king's chamber that is not a place i want to be this is not you wouldn't want to explore this no i would not want to explore this you know what pirate ships have booty pirate treasure you you know what's yeah but you're also underwater you got to get in a scuba suit maybe it doesn't say i found it at the bottom of the sea what if i'm on uh it's a shipwreck yeah ship wrecked into an island

like check this island out oh there's a shipwreck there ashore the ship washed ashore okay all right bam all right i mean mike genuine answer for you would you rather explore a shipwreck now look jason i'm not letting you off the hook for this this on the island shipwreck because if it's on the island and it's been there a while that's a parked ship yeah and there's not wrecked no i'll let it be on the island but i just want you to know when you discover it, there will be spider webs and spiders all up in that thing. That's true. If it's on the island.

Island spiders. Island spiders can get big. They really can. Human sized. Let's not get out of control here. We're not to the monster draft yet. You ever seen, what island was that? What island was that?

Spider Island. No, no, no. It's not Madagascar. Giant Spider Island. Dang it. I can't think of the island where all the sizes of the animals got thrown off

because it was a completely isolated island. Is this fictional? No, it's got the pygmy elephants. Really? Yeah. The size of the animals on the island got thrown off. Yes.

Absolutely. Because of what? on the island got thrown off. Yes, absolutely. Because of what? Because the island was completely isolated. Okay. So it had a different- So it was too small. I'm looking it up. You guys talk. Well, it would have to be too small if they all adjusted to the small size.

I don't know how fascinated I really am with the innards of the pyramid. I feel like that is the that's the more rare the obviously as far as you know human historical significance it's far bigger. You'll find treasure in both of these. Sure but I don't care about the insides of the pyramid. I like just on a personal level. Sure. I care about the outside of the pyramid. I want to see it, but I don't want to go in it. A pirate ship, I would rather be in than see from a distance. I want to explore a pirate ship. So that's the easy answer for me. And you know what? I won't even go to the parked pirate ship on the tropical awesome Spider Island.

You'll go underwater. I'm going underwater because, you know, I recently, not know super recently but like a year ago or so when and I know this is very different but I went snorkeling so I'm up at the surface of the water yeah but I thought snorkeling would be something I would not care about just boring you're just you're skimming the surface of the water looking underwater like so what how was it freaking incredible it was unbelievable and i mean the life that was all around everything that was sunken like if there went where i was there was a sunken something like an anchor and all this life and fish all around it it was just really it blew my mind so you would enjoy I wouldn't like it, loved it.

And I think I would really enjoy scuba diving even though. And there's no sharks in the pyramid though. There's no sharks in the pirate ship either. It's very, I'm inside the ship safe. Have you seen the chipmunk adventure? I haven't. Are there sharks in the pirate ship? There is definitely a shark.

Mike, I know you shared that there's this dwarfism on animals on this island. How do we know that they didn't start on the island and just get bigger everywhere else? I do not know. Okay. I'm into this. Final vote. I'm going to go pyramid. Mike?

I think it just comes down to the prestige. If you explore a pyramid, the Curse of the Mummy, mummy i mean like if you open up the sarcophagus there's a great chance that you're going to perish it's 50 50 i'm cursing yeah dude it's a monster draft episode pirates now they curse you as well though right davy jones's locker or something that's just that's just a metaphor for i'm gonna throw throw you into the ocean. With a curse. I don't think there's curses involved with pirates. Not a lot of witches on those pirate ships. I know the pirates of the Caribbean. Tortuga?

Like Caribbean, they've added in curses and stuff, but that's new. That's new wave pirates. All right. This is, I think, as far as we can go on this one. Final answer. I'm going with the pirate ship. I feel like if you explore a pyramid there's gonna be like appropriately so uh the culture where that pyramid belongs they're gonna say that this

stuff belongs to consecrating the dead like well it's their stuff yeah if it's a pirate ship i was gonna say it was not marked it's no this is my pirate gold they probably stole it anyways yeah you didn't steal it you found it it. I'm about to Robin Hood. How many layers of something being stolen until it doesn't belong to the original owner? I think two. Two? Two? I just got a steal from the thief and it's mine. So wait, if I take your mug and then Al takes it from me.

That's Al's. That's Al's mug. Oh, that's one then. No, I feel like that's two. You stole first. And he stole second. He stole second. That's Al's mug. Oh, that's one then. I feel like that's two. You stole first. He stole second. Oh, man. That's tough. Yeah. Is that how it works in a

pawn shop when they turn stuff into a pawn shop and you go and buy it from them? You just need deniability that you did not steal from the original owner. They paid for it in the pawn shop. That's right. They purchased what is now rightfully theirs. What if I want my thing back? What if you rob someone, but you just leave a fiver?

Now, perhaps this item was worth $500, but I left you money. You should always do that. I paid for this item. You should always do that for when you get caught, so you can tell the judge that you thought you were buying it. Not only that. I thought we agreed to a fair price of $5. With a contract. Write up a contract.

Yeah. If you get caught, instead of going to jail, you get your money back. Right? Like, I'm not giving this back for free. I left you $5. Here's your television. Give me my $5.

That's actually... Just be irate. It didn't work anyways this is new wave just give me my five dollars and i'll be on my way thievery yeah all right uh moving on to a would you rather question from james on patreon would you rather eat a soft shell taco or a hard shell taco oh that's a that's a really straightforward question. I was waiting for the twist. So it's Tuesday night. Taco Tuesday.

What are you doing? How are you getting in on that? Taco Tuesday. This is one of the hardest questions we've had on the Spitballers. Really? It is because... I feel like everyone has... You got your...

Your go-to. Your majority shell. The problem is. I'll just. I'll just say my piece. I prefer. The crunch of a taco. A crunchy taco.

Okay. But. Half of the time. Crunchy tacos let me down. Because they. Just. Get destroyed. They do.

You put. One chopper on that thing and now I've got pieces. Now I've got a taco salad in my lap. And so in that case, I'm like, just give me the soft taco. It's not as good, but it's never going to

let me down. The amount of times I've had a forced conversion into a taco salad due to a hard taco. It's about half of the hard tacos. It's about half of the hard tacos. I will go with the soft-shell taco. That's my favorite. I feel like it's more consistent, like you said. It's very easy to eat.

It's one of the easiest to eat. Very portable. Now, there is, I think, an answer to this question that goes beyond soft versus hard, and it's the pinnacle. In the Moore household, we take a soft corn tortilla. Okay. And you lightly fry it up. Okay.

It does not become a hard taco. It just becomes a fried soft shell. Yeah. I mean, it's still soft. Does it look like a burrito at the end? No, no, no. It's taco sized. Yeah, I mean, it's not. It's still soft. Does it look like a burrito at the end? No, no, no. It's taco-sized. Yeah, I mean, because that's what you're supposed to do.

Like, if a true soft tortilla, you are supposed to give it a little bit of a fry. If you fry up a soft tortilla, there is no one that should pick anything else. A fried soft tortilla is... That was a chef's kiss. It was a real kiss is what that was. Yeah, I mean, I guess I've always been a soft shell guy. You can't hear the ocean in it like you can a hard taco. Wait, can you put the taco up to your ear?

You can hear a hard shell, yeah. Okay. Can you call it a shell if it's a soft taco? I feel like that's not a soft shell. That's just like a hard shell. Yeah. Okay. Can you call it a shell if it's a soft taco? I feel like that's not a soft shell. That's just like a soft taco. Yeah. I would agree with that. Yeah.

So where do you land, Mike? The thing is you can get the soft taco. It's easier to eat. And then there's chips. So you get the best of both worlds. Yeah. You can crunch. And if you want to get wild, put a chip in the left hand, put the taco in the right.

You can combo them in the mouth. Double stuff. Yeah, I mean, all you reminded me of there is the double decker, which is so good. Oh, the Taco Bell? Yeah, the Taco Bell double decker. It's answering this question with why not both. Yeah, they did ask that question. They've answered a lot of questions about tacos.

They've done great work over there. Not a sponsor. Should be a sponsor. Reach out, Mr. and Mrs. Taco Bell. I've never had a double-decker that becomes a taco salad in my lap. Because the double-decker has the soft on the outside. Oh, soft's on the outside.

So it's a hard-wrenching shell. It's reinforced with a shell that's going to hold together. A net, a little soft shell net. Sure, yeah. Soft shell net. And then they take the hard crunchy taco. I believe it's beans. Oh, in between them?

In between. Wait, that's like the glue? It's the glue. Yeah, the paste. The bean glue. There you go. Yeah, bean paste. Bean paste and then soft shell, and it's...

It's pretty good. Mwah! Chef's kiss. You don't have words to say. And it does come out as bean paste. All right. That's true. Which of these two should I go with here, Al?

I haven't looked at them yet. The next one's a food one, so if you don't want to do another food one, go to the last one. Rich from Patreon, would you rather be an old wizard or a young knight oh that's the easiest question of all time yes wait you're both choosing young knight no no why would we do that one of these has magic yes one of them has magic and i feel like a wizard probably spends most of their time doling out wizard advice do you know people come for advice when in a fight between a knight and a wizard? It would never be the knight. Well, they're not fighting.

It's what you want to be. I want to be the winner of the fight. Over the summer, my family and I, we took a vacation. We went to Iceland. Okay. And we checked it out. It's down the street. Got it.

Yeah, just a little stroll. But part of that, you know, I love when you go somewhere, you want to learn about the place. So they had some museums and we went, learned about the history of Iceland, some fascinating stuff. And I mean, they're up in the Nordic area. So a lot of Viking stuff going on. And at the end of the museum, they have just like an area where you can put on you know

basically like looking like viking stuff so that i put on a chain mail a real chain mail uh vest me through yeah is that well i thought me through was the material yeah it is it's also it's not real go on i don't know i say this? I know the word. What's that? Like Lord of the Rings? Yes, it is. It's a Lord of the Rings. All right. Well, whatever it was.

I'd steal. I would just go with what you said you put on, which is chain mail. That's what it is. But it was long. Very, very long. A dress. And chain gown. Yes.

Yes. But you could not sleep in this thing. It was so freaking heavy. And this was just the mail. Not the armor on top. It was so freaking heavy. And this was just the mail. This was not plate armor. This was an absolute. Once it was on, it was like, I guess I wear this forever. Because you have the tiny little hole in front of your head.

It does not stretch. And this thing weighs probably 50 pounds. And then you've got to put armor on top. So what you're saying is. I'm telling you, I don't know. That then you've got to put armor on top. So what you're saying is. I'm telling you, I don't know. That was my takeaway after I put that on. And I'm holding a real weighted sword. I don't know how anybody did this.

They all fought at one mile an hour. Because just to move, just to take a few steps wearing all of that stuff, you would have been exhausted. So most knights either, I mean, they had to wear this heavy armor. Yes. And it seems like they died a lot. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Mostly from exhaustion. Knights served for being killed. That was their job. This is why most knights have a horse. They can't walk, so they need to be carried. But the horses sometimes wear armor, too. Yes. They are fine animals, so they need to be carried. But the horses sometimes wear armor too. Yes. They are fine animals, these horses.

Even sitting on a horse, weighing that. Can we look up, can we try and find how much is a suit of armor? What was the average weight? And then imagine wearing that. Even if a horse is carrying you, just the core strength it would take to hold yourself up is ridiculous yeah and i don't know how many great things there are like the perks of being a knight you get prestige right people look up to you it's certainly an honorable uh status as long as you're

not a bootleg knight and they're the only ones with the round tables, right? Because everybody else has square. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. They want to fit all of Arthur and his friends at the table. And usually you're going to get the fair maiden, right? That's true. I don't think the old wizard is really pulling in the maidens. Because it's the old maiden. Right.

By the way, are there young wizards? Or do they start old? Can you not become a wizard until you turn 80? There is a lot of education that goes into becoming a wizard you ever seen a it's like getting a doctorate yeah but a lot of them you ever seen a beardless wizard no never no as soon as you get magic the beard grows and does it instantly turn gray for sure you i mean it's a gray bearded wizard that's what a wizard is unless you're in harry potter but i do think that the wizard. That's what a wizard is unless you're in Harry Potter.

But I do think that the perks that come with being a wizard are far more. Far more. First of all, I don't think they... Do they die? No, that's what I was going to say. I was going to ask. You don't die of old age as a wizard. You just don't.

You can stop that? No, you just keep aging and stay alive. Okay. It's like you look at wizards in classic literature. It's like, how old are you? You could be 800 years old. Yeah, you don't know. Yeah, okay.

That makes sense. You're a super old wizard. Gandalf is always around. Yeah, Gandalf. He's been there. Thousands of years. He just keeps coming back, too. Yeah, you just change colors. You just, you know, it's like, I'm Gandalf the blue.

What's up? Look, I'm tired of this drab. Is that like the equivalent of the nine lives? They get the full, like, rainbow? Yeah of this drab. Is that like the equivalent of the nine lives? They get the full rainbow? Yeah, you change outfits. Let's get this back to fighting. Going into war and there's an army. Think Lord of the Rings.

You got this knight. That knight's going to take on several people. He's not going one-on-one. He's going one-on-two, one-on-three. The wizard's taking out hundreds of people here's been my problem with wizards is that they're always all powerful but they're always rarely using it yes so like for instance if gandalf is able to you know be super powerful why is it that he'll only use those powers every once in a while? Have you ever cast a level four fireball?

No. Do you know what it takes? How much mana does that take? All of it. That's why the wizards have so many vacations. So can they get killed? Wizards? Oh, yeah.

In a battlefield, let's say you miss on your fireball. You've been saving up all this energy. You fire it. Whoops, I missed. How long until I cast a fireball and can I be shot by an arrow? I don't think arrows can get a wizard. It's got to be full impaling of usually an animal horn or another wizard. Those are the two ways to die.

You can't die falling. Another wizard can get you? Or you said another said another another wizard can definitely wait i thought in lord of the rings i thought one of the wizards falls off the the big tower at least in the movie right uh yeah i mean we don't know you can't die from falling yes for sure he is still alive he's still alive he's just stuck in the ground? Yeah. He's just on the ground. He was the arrow into the shield of the ground. Well, I think we settled all that. I guess wizard is what we're going with.

To answer your question, Mike, the average suit of armor is around 55 pounds, but could be up to 100 pounds. Good luck. And then you have your weapon? How did this possibly work? Which your weapon's like another... It's like, I don't know, 10 to 15 pounds? I mean... No.

Yeah. Is a sword up to 15 pounds? I don't know. How would you... I'm throwing out numbers here. I got you. Thank you. I got you.

A broad sword... Yeah? Weighs three to five pounds. Okay. That makes far more sense. Okay. I mean, when you pick it up, you go, what does this weigh? 10 to 15 pounds?

But you're not whipping it around real quick. I mean, you're swinging. You're catching your breath and you're swinging it again. People don't fence with broadswords. No. I'm gone. That's true. And they don't fight in war with fencing swords.

You haven't had a whole bunch of people running in there going like, just an army of fencers. Because you can't be like, tap, you're out. Tap, tap, tap. You're out. Someone should have taken this ball off the end of my sword. I think Rufio tried that and it didn't end well. No. Too soon. You also should not declare

you got hooky. Looky, looky. Before you get him. This is ridiculous. Alright, we got hooky. Looky, looky. Before you get him. This is ridiculous. All right, we are moving on. That's a great question. Have we talked about that before? I feel like we have. Have we given commentary on the movie Hook?

Well, about poor Rufio. About Rufio goes in. He tries to be the hero and get Captain Hook. Meets his demise. And then everyone else. Forgot about him. They're just like, whatever, man. They rolled him into the water and just moved on.

He was their leader. And they don't give a crap about Rufio. No respect at all. Someone claimed his skateboard and then everybody else moved on. And then someone claimed his job. It's like, okay, who's up? They're like, we got Peter Pan now. Pan the man. There you go.

Pan the man. But it wasn't even Pan that took over. Pan was like, yeah, you're too good for Rufio's job. What about that chunky kid? Oh, yeah. Butterball. Yeah, Butterball. Wouldn't he be the one that... Yeah, they did. They did put him back in charge. My big takeaway was

they moved on so fast from Rufio. They did put him back in charge. My big takeaway was they moved on so fast from Rufio. They did. From who? Exactly. They celebrated upon his dead body. That's true. Yeah, they did forget him. There was no ceremony or anything.

No, nothing. No goodbyes. Oh, they didn't have the body anymore. It's in the ocean. All right. Don't slip on Rufio. For those still with us, Bethany from Patreon, the 16-year-old version of you just moved in and now your new roommate.

And is, okay, hold on. Let's try this again. I can read. The 16-year-old version of you just moved in and is now your new roommate. What is the first thing the two of you would fight about? So the 16-year-old version of me just moved in and is my roommate. Correct. What would we fight about?

Um, this is another way of saying what was the worst of you at 16? It would, it would probably be girl related. Uh, for, for me i would not want the 16 year old to have other 16 year old uh female friends over uh and you gotta shut down the romance that would be the that would be the

fighting i imagine that i would not enjoy talking to 16 year old me who thought he was right about 100 of everything and never listened and was always upset and that 16 year old me who thought he was right about 100 of everything and never listened and was always upset yeah and that 16 year old would be like man this guy this older version i think we would both sit in silence and play video games and probably be best friends forever it's funny and never my 16 year old friend would be just fine that My first thought, genuinely, was like, oh, man, we would play Sim 4 forever. Because I'd be like, oh, you know that game? He's like, bro, I got the codes from the future. You have no idea.

Unlimited cash. I mean, we'd be happy playing his games. We'd be happy playing the games today. That was my first thought. I was like, oh, man, we're going to play so many video games. We'd be happy playing the games today. That was my first thought. I was like, oh, man, we're going to play so many video games. What about you, Al? How would 16-year-old Al Borland? That'd be a problem.

I was a lot messier then. It would probably have something to do with tidiness. I did think about that, just leaving crap out, but I'm not that much better. I think Al would have a problem with all the police officers. Just constantly trying to get his younger self for stealing and all sorts of just leave $5. Yeah. We've taught you.

You could teach young, young Al Borland the trick. New wave thievery. When the police, when the police officer says, I need that TV. You say, where's my five dollars

because the officer shows up hey son uh did you pay for that yes i did and then you bet i did ah crap shut the door uh iron mike from patreon should milk cover all the cereal or should cereal form an island on top of the milk this is a good question i wouldn't form it in that exact way probably i think look let's start here let's start here what do you put in first regularly i i'm a hundred percent cereal first it is 100 cereal first if you put the milk in first, that is a sociopath. There is a reason for it. Yeah, I had that way of thinking. I always put the cereal in first because that's the order of operations

that I was taught, and it was good enough for my dad and my dad's dad, and this is how we did cereal. And the people, I've seen it on the socials they go milk first and you put the cereal in and you think well that's you're breaking the order of operations this is highly illegal i alert the authorities but then you like think about it it's worse but but why your cereal stays crispy long there's a couple reasons jason give me another like to begin this why don't why don't you start i'll i'll back why is yours better why why the the way we have always done it why is that better other than that's the way we've always done i got real reasons go for it well it's saturation

mike it's about saturation of milk imagine you're eating for a moment a bowl of czech cereal maybe some life cereal we're talking rice checks or corn checks irrelevant let's go corn let's go corn you want i wouldn't be eating them you were okay let's go rice you want a level of permeation you want the milk to to almost create a little uh you know a milk checks combination that's like the milk was there to begin with. Like, it's inside the chex. Yeah, you definitely want the cereal to have the experience of the milk.

When it's all floating on top, some of it's not even touching. You say, well, rice cereal stays crunchier longer. You know how it stays the crunchiest? No milk. Yeah, I was going to say, just have some dry cereal. Pour it in a cup and then eat dry cereal,

which is, I mean, don't hear what I'm not saying that is fine but and also really delicious but if you're having picks up the milk if you're but no the the cereal needs the pre-milk you don't you don't take an oreo you don't take an oreo and like as quick as you can put it in milk and take it out and then take a bite that's right you put it in the milk and you leave it in the milk to have the magic that happens when milk saturates crunchy things. So you have to put the cereal in first. When you're pouring the milk,

I don't just pour it in one spot. I'm pouring the milk. No, I'm pouring it over all of it. Well, upgrade. Pour it and get front to back, left to right, top to bottom. Spread that milk out.

Look, I'm not saying it's perfect because I've done – the big mistake that can happen here is you go too much of the cereal and you don't kind of – and so you get soggy because you can't eat it fast enough. So you don't want to put too much in the bowl before the milk. You have to have a balance. And it's completely dependent on the cereal of choice. Oh, yeah.

Some get soggier quick. Yeah. Like Life cereal, which is, by the way, Cinnamon Life, delicious. So good. One of the best cereals on earth. That's one that you'd want to not fill the whole bowl. You want to go about half. Eat it.

I mean, maybe if you can keep up really fast. That's what I was going to say. Bigger spoon. If you fill the whole bowl, you just need to eat faster. You need to be aware of what you've done and say, I'm shoveling now. And, you know, get eating at mic speed. And you can eat that fast. You can eat cinnamon life very fast.

Do you go, so you're silverware, right? There's always little spoon, big spoon. That's just... Yes, of course. All silverware comes like that. Another thing we've done forever. Do you go big spoon? Of course.

I have never used a big spoon. I have never. They're way too big. There's no point to... They're too big. Soup sounds like it'd be great in a big spoon. You go small spoon? The big spoon's too big.

Guys, open your minds. No, it's open your mouths. You got to stretch your cheeks out to get those spoons in there. Do you know how much more milk you get in per bite? I'm telling you, there are- It's way better, man. No, no, I've tried. You're cutting the sides of your lips.

Look, I'll make- You want to know how I got these scars? Yeah, it's because I used the big spoon. Yeah. I'm telling you, I'm not talking about a serving spoon. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Your small mouth. I am so happy this is coming out

because I think the majority of the people are with us, Mike. I really do. I think that most people do not use the big spoon. Why do they give us? They're way too big. They're not too big. The reason they give you the big spoon. They are. They're too big.

Al, what do you use? The small spoon. Come on! There are only two purposes to the big spoon. One, scooping something like ice cream. Okay, I'm going to use that. Wait, do you eat your ice cream with a small spoon? I use the big spoon to scoop, and then I grab a small spoon to eat.

You eat your ice cream with a small spoon? I eat everything. I use the big spoon for everything. Soups, cereals, ice cream. No wonder I eat so much quantity. There is nothing I would use the big spoon for. They're not in there for show, man. Get one out and use it. There is a second purpose. The second purpose outside of scooping or presenting. Just sell them. Sure. I mean, people want the two. It's display.

It's a great look on a table. Yeah. But it's also for when you are out of the small spoon. That is the only time I have. It's a backup spoon and it's bigger? It is a backup spoon. And I would rather go. I've eaten with a serving spoon one time.

I've done the cereal because I was out of the spoon I will go it's a good time I will go into the dishwasher yeah I will get a dirty small spoon and I will wash it guys I've done that before you use the big spoon before I use a big spoon the big spoon is not listen I'm telling you

you think you will like Oreos right then you realize double stuffed Oreos are better it's the same principle with cereal and the big spoon. You get double the milk per bite. You're so wrong. When I go to a restaurant and they give me that size spoon with my soup, I'm like, well, I got to drink it from the bowl now. Somebody's got to try this.

Al, will you give it a go? No, he's just let us know in the Slack here that when he's out of the little spoons, he goes to the plasticware. Look, to me, those are grown-up. When I was a kid, I used the kid's spoon. Never big spoon. When I'm a grown-up, I use the grown-up spoon.

That's what it is. It's kids and grown-ups. That's not a grown-up spoon. That's an Andre the Giant spoon. Never big spoon. He got in with the spoon makers. Hashtag big spoon. Hashtag never big spoon. You didn't do hashtag

small spoon. You went hashtag never big spoon. Because that's the truth of it. I will do anything else. I'll use a fork for my cereal before a big spoon. You guys are missing out. The truth is it's not a small spoon. It's a perfect spoon. It's a real spoon. Yes, it's a real spoon. Yes, thank you. You have a spoon and a big spoon.

Hashtag never big spoon. This is the final episode of the show. I'm telling you, I will never go small spoon. I've done it before, and I feel like I'm some small ant. I think you're alone. I'm not alone. I mean. Al, you've got to take a poll of this office.

Yeah, we'll get a poll on Twitter, too. All right. Do we have time for another one of these? I thought I was the only one, brother. But the thing is, like, I've never really asked. I've never opened up the question. We've lived in the shame of the little spoon. But we've all experienced how awful awful the big spoon is it's

not awful it's amazing it's so heavy it's not heavy oh man i gotta you gotta put it one side in first in your mouth what are you guys buying salad spoons no it's regular spoons all right listen all i'm asking i'll pay for a box of cereal for you. Just do it once. But will you pay for the dental bill? Look, you can have the whole bowl of cereal in one spoonful. It's awesome. All right, we're going to draft.

The Spitballers Draft. Hashtag Big Spoon. All right, we're drafting the coolest fictional monsters. Jason, you have the very first pick. What are you going with? Is there a 101 to you? There is a 101 because of the description of the draft. It's the coolest.

Yeah. And to me, there's one fictional monster type that is the coolest yeah and to me there's one uh fictional there's a clear one monster type that is oh yeah the coolest because there it's rare for a monster um to to be portrayed anything other than just awful and evil and you know destroying this thing and killing those people but this thing is so cool that well it does all those while it does do all of those terrible things sometimes it's the protagonist i'm i got people riding my monster i'm taking dragon yes yeah when i when i search searched my mind for what the coolest was it's a dragon it was pretty quick to find the dragon. Oh, man. Fire breathing. And let's be honest.

I mean, there's movies where that's the main character is the lovable dragon. Well, you've got me concerned about my number one pick here in the draft already. Because you put a big focus on the cool factor. Yeah. Well, that was the draft title. Coolest fictional monsters. Well, I wouldn't worry about that after that it's just these are my favorites to me the coolest fictional monster ever made is the alien

from alien the xenomorph the xenomorph the main alien it's terrifying it's unique it's i think it's cool yeah no it's not you can't ride it certainly on my list you do not want you do not want to try to ride a xenomorph no they'll put a spider in your belly or on your face it rides your face yes and they don't you know they don't have fire breathing but they do breathe another little mouth onto your onto you yeah and you because you like it barfs a mouth onto you well i was thinking that the thinking the alien queen, she probably uses the big spoon. Oh, for sure. Her mouth's gigantic.

Because her mouth has another mouth inside. But the little mouth uses the little spoon. Yeah, Andy, do you have- Which is how they're really made, grownups and babies. Do you have- You're both babies. Just a larger mouth than we are aware of. No, this is not-

Everybody can use it. You're intimidated. It's a trick of the eye it's like my teeth come down on the side of the big spoon i can't even fit it between my teeth i want to know i hope i go to your house and i hope you've bought the the biggest big spoons that anybody's ever made and they're not normal big spoons that's my only hope but i'm going with the xenomorph the alien from aliens it's It's on the list. It's a fantastic monster. Alright, so

so, man. So, coolness factor, it's definitely in there. I'm not, these are, I have the two picks, so I don't know which one I actually would want first, but I'll start with this one. I'm going to go with, I'm going to go with the Sandworm from Dune. Oh, that's so good that monster is awesome that's you got

a scale there he's the big spoon of worms he is not on my list i am so disappointed because that that monster is it's fantastic he's planet sized the idea that you have the creature going through the the the sand like it's water like that's that's just fun that's by itself that's cool and then the yes the scope the the overall size of of the sandworm it just the teeth yes the teeth that become religious knives i mean goodness gracious that's a great pick so I will go with the sandworm. Is that always called? What did you say? Yeah. They become what? Religious knives.

Have you seen Dune? Yeah, but... The knives of... Oh, the teeth become used... I got you. Yeah, the teeth separate by the humans. There's a prophecy of what those teeth knives do. And with my second pick, I will go... Funny enough,

we were talking about pirate ships because I'm going to take the Kraken. Oh. Define what is a Kraken. So a Kraken is a. It's what you do with a whip. Yes. Yes, that's how you start. It's almost like a giant octopus type creature.

But it's got a big old monster face. Well, and they're gigantic, and they sink your pirate ship. Okay. So you're going with the Kraken. No, it's good. It's got a good name. I mean, that's a great name. It does.

Good branding. You can release the Kraken. You can release it? You can't put it away. You can be a baseball Kraken. Let's see. What? There's a baseball.

It's not baseball. Is that not? No, it's a baseball game, right? Is that not? No, it's hockey. Oh, hockey, whatever. They're all stupid. The Seattle Kraken. I thought you were back to the sound that the bat makes. Yeah, I thought you were making more jokes. Just going onomatopoeia.

All right, so you're going with the dune worm? Yeah, dune worm. No, there's a name to that, isn name to that i think they just call it the sandworm right that's good i'm not a name all right so my i have one pick right so i'm going to go with what i think is one of the coolest to see visually it's also immortal it it also looks like the sun i'm going with the phoenix oh okay i'm going with the phoenix the bird that when you kill it it's just reborn it it can't be killed it's made of fire i love a phoenix i don't view it rises from the ashes much as a monster has a phoenix ever done anything bad because i feel like i can heal oh do i need to pivot is that not a monster. Has a phoenix ever done anything bad? Because I feel like it can heal.

Oh, do I need to pivot? Is that not a monster? No, no, no. I will allow the phoenix. I'm just saying, like, when I was... Well, once you said coolest, I started thinking about cool monsters. Phoenix is cool. Bad is your perspective. I mean, like, in the Harry Potter, when they're using the phoenix for stuff,

I don't think Voldemort thought it was very cool. No, no. So if you're evil it's pretty just saying i think one man's monster is another man i've heard some rumors about some pretty pretty uh off the beaten path phoenixes flying around and shady stuff yeah like gangs of women stuff lighting everything on fire just leaving a They steal. They don't leave any money. Old school stealing. Yeah. Old school stealing.

Classic thief. Vintage. Vintage thievery. The name of the worm is Shia LaBeouf. Oh, Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf is the name of the famous worm in Dune. So you have drafted Shia LaBeouf and Cr name of the famous worm in Dune. So you have drafted Shia LaBeouf and Crackin' the Whip. All right.

So I went with the Phoenix. Jason, you get two picks. All right. Well, I'm going to stick with the cool factor because when I saw this monster in cinema the first time, I was just like, whoa. When did you first see this monster? 20 years ago. Yeah, it this monster? 20 years ago. Yeah, it was probably about 20 years ago. I know what it is.

It's a Balrog. Oh, the boxer from Street Fighter. No, from the Shadows of the Deep in Lord of the Rings. Yeah, it's like a demon with fire tentacles. The demon fire monster from Lord of the Rings. It just looks like a devil thing, right? He's got the horns, shadow, and fire. He's he's huge yeah and you know how they combated that only a wizard that's right there was not like get the knight up in here try to fight a balrog not happening mostly right you

fools yeah so they ran yeah and you know who didn't who didn't pass who shall not pass the balrog thanks to the wizard the wizard didn't pass either well he fell so he was fine he fell a long way so he was absolutely fine just change colors um all right so i i have i found this gray gown while i was falling um i have dragons and balrog the shadow demon from Lord of the Rings. And I'm going to go name brand here because this was actually top of my list. When I think of classic cool monsters, no one's had more movies. No one's been...

Apparently cool to me is you can be the bad guy and you can be the good guy. Oh. Godzilla? Godzilla is very neutral. Godzilla is here to destroy and here to help. So you just... It's just a matter of perspective. It's just a matter of perspective.

So I will have Godzilla, dragons, and Balrog. Godzilla is... He's very classic. He's just not that cool, man. Yeah. He's just not shaped right. He's got a laser beam from his mouth. Yeah.

I thought they did a pretty good job. The newest, so they have the monster verse, and where he breathes the fire directly into the monster's face, that part was pretty cool. You're like, okay, Godzilla's doing some serious work there. Bad heartburn. Yes. Give that man a Prilosec.

Yeah. And a mint. And also a way to get his head back on. All right, so for my third pick, I'm going to go with a simple, cool werewolf. Oh, werewolf was my next pick. Was it? Yeah, because- Werewolf is awesome.

I mean, werewolves are, first of all, just in cinema and in story, they have taken kind of different shapes and forms, you know, and just how that werewolf looks. But, like, you get to be kind of normal for half the time, and then, you know, the full moon comes out and you get a little hairy, and one thing leads to another, and you're eating things. Yeah, and you don't remember any of it. They're very cool.

Werewolves are awesome and vicious. And the only downside for werewolves to me is the werewolf from Harry Potter. That ruined it. Everything is Harry Potter. No, I'm just saying, that was the worst werewolf. I don't remember the werewolf.

Good for you, man. I don't think the werewolf was bad. The werewolf in that movie was... The shape? Yeah, there was the skinny, scrawny... That's what I'm saying. Go look in some literature. They got them all shapes and sizes. that werewolf was bad the werewolf in that movie the shape yeah there was the skinny scrawny that's what i'm saying they go look in some literature they got them all shapes and sizes so he has uh he needed to eat yeah he needed a big spoon some stuff man get it get a big spoon you skinny

werewolf all right mike you're up all right so i got my final two picks oh man uh so the first one i'm gonna go with i'm just i am fascinated by the the tale of this monster i'm going with krampus and if you are not familiar with the story of krampus it is a european story i maybe germany don't quote me exactly but essentially what krampus is is he's like a uh the anti santa claus where if you are a good child then santa claus comes and brings you the the presents in america if you're bad yeah cole right and oh but over in where krampus lives uh he shows up puts you in a bag and then takes you home and eats you. Sorry, children. Should have been better.

You got eaten by Krampus. You don't really learn from that as much. You don't get a redo the next year. Cole, you're like, ah, maybe I get presents next year. This one's more of a permanent. Do you think that's why kids are so bad in America? Because they don't get the chances. They don't get eaten when they're bad.

Yeah. All right. Mike, one more pick. All right. So with my final pick, I'm going to go. Oh, man. Man, this is tough. I'm going to go with a...

Sorry, there's so many on the list. If we end the draft and this monster is not selected, it feels shameful. You can change that right now. I can. But I'm just going to go good old-fashioned zombies. Okay. I love zombie movies.

They are my favorite of all the monster-esque type of movies i mean turns out that humans were the were the real monsters it's not actually the zombies but but the idea of that's just me snoring your social commentary on zombies i'm sorry i didn't need the lore lesson but go on uh but like in movies where it's just and the walk walking zombies please the running zombies what about swimming they're too terrifying have you ever been swimming zombies i mean the flesh is all probably coming off in the water the running zombies can continue to run underwater i believe what about skipping well no they're not coordinated enough for nor happy enough but they need. But they need to be just slow, very dumb,

and that's where they get you is there's just so many of them, and eventually you're overwhelmed. Yeah. All right, I will go with the Demogorgon from Stranger Things. That's a great pick. That's great. Apparently I'm a big fan of mostly mouth for a monster face because the Demogorgon is just a big old gaping fly trap of teeth.

But it's so crazy, creepy, cool. It's just my final pick. It's difficult, I think, to break into the scene with a new monster and have it change the culture of, well, this is now a monster that we all agree exists now forever. Yeah, I mean, people that have never watched Stranger Things, whether it be just people who haven't seen it or children, they know what a demogorgon is.

It's broken into the culture. And I am really sad that that was not on my list. Between the d They know what a demogorgon is. It's broken into the culture. And I am really sad that that was not on my list. Between the dune worm and the demogorgon, those are like, why are they not on my list? Well, they've been drafted. Well, I'm saying coming into the draft. I'm disappointed in myself. You're kind of a demogorgon.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to go with my final pick. Are you? Here. And look, I'm going to take this monster because, again... Are you going to pay respect? It's not paying respect. It's just so cool.

Honestly, I don't know if I've ever even seen the whole movie. I don't need to. I know how cool this monster is. It's the Pred okay the predator with the dreadlocks in the in the shoulder laser cannon yeah camouflage the fact that you could be invisible i mean an invisible dreadlocked killer come on that's as cool as monsters get to me well and then also has a face that opens up yeah it does yeah it does with big old fangs really creepy glad they don't exist i'm glad the whole list doesn't exist not the phoenix i want a

phoenix for a pet well that's because it's not a monster yeah probably all right mike went with dragon balrog godzilla predator i have xenomorph phoenix werewolf demogorgon mike has a sandworm kraken krampus he likes that languageus, Kraken, and then the zombie. It's a good strong case. What was left off your list that you said was a shame if it wasn't? It's the Yeti. Oh. I mean, like, Bigfoot is the OG.

He's not really a monster. I always thought the Yeti was the, it's like the ice Bigfoot. Yes. But Bigfoot is a Yeti. But like, I is. The abominable snowman is a Yeti. I thought they were cousins. You're telling me you're not putting a leash on that thing and bringing him home? Bigfoot? Yeah is a Yeti. The Abominable Snowman is a Yeti. I thought they were cousins. You're telling me you're not putting a leash on that thing and bringing him home?

Bigfoot? Yeah, a Yeti. I've seen the Hendersons. They didn't put a leash on him. No, but I'm saying- He was a friend. He was a free friend. I put a leash on all my friends.

King Kong. That's a good one. Dracula. Yeah. Pale Man from- Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, Kong. That's a good one. Dracula. Pale Man from I got a Basilisk. Say it again. I got Hydra.

All the necks and heads cut them off and more grow. And then my personal favorite that I knew would be here at the end if my list was taken was Sully from Monsters. I see what you did there. He's a monster.

He's pretty cool. Then I also had... Centaurs? I had the Minotaur on there, and I had the Boogeyman. Ooh, that's a good one. Because what exactly is the Boogeyman? Yeah, that's a good final question.

I don't know, but I'm scared of the Boogeyman. The Boogeyman is whatever you're scared of. I think, yeah, the Boogeyman might be made of darkness. Yeah. Just like. Just pure shadow. Just like a shadow man. Like the paint where it's so black that it just takes all light away.

You ever seen a room painted like that? Good to think about. I have. That's where the boogeyman lives. Right in there. Boogeyman painted that room. That's his bedroom. What did we learn today

the boogie man has a bedroom honestly i i definitely learned that i'm i'm alone in using a giant spoon apparently which is the normal spoon to be used it is not it is not oh i will be asking people very shortly uh i uh i learned that if you give money when you steal objects, it's really buying purchasing things. Yeah. And I great deal. I learned, I got to figure out how I can hang out with 16 year old Mike. You sound so cool.

It's going to be bros. All right. That is it for the show. Thank you for tuning in. Please tell your friends if you enjoy the spitballers podcast and, uh, back with a new one next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.