Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Open Faced Lasagna & The Best Places To Hide Something - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Spit Hit for May 9th, 2024: On this episode, we learn about Mike’s sneaky “heel hack”. We also discuss boogering a spider web, tickle workouts, and Jason’s soggy front. You also do not want t...o miss our draft of the best places to hide something valuable. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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Starting point is 00:00:00 What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A rickety rack, a boop bop biddly beep bop. That was a full U-turn in the middle. That was we need to turn back there. Let's get back to where we're comfortable. Robot sounds.
Starting point is 00:00:49 I enjoyed it. I had heart. It did. And the nice thing is right before we were, like, even when the music started playing, Andy knew. He's like, I've got nothing. That's right. He closed his eyes.
Starting point is 00:01:02 He put his head in his hands. Jason started staring straight at me his hands. Jason started staring at me staring at him, um, to try to make him uncomfortable. And, and I think it just put pressure on for you to come through in that big fashion. Well, you know, 217 episodes in excited to be with you, spit wads, Al Borland in the building. What's up spit wads. And, uh, well, we have a great show. have would you rather that's a great question and we are drafting the best places to hide something valuable i am going with all of my picks have to be something i've seen on tv that's in in my head when i was trying to think of this
Starting point is 00:01:40 movie like where do they hide it and that's what I'm that I as I was making my list that was just everything that came to mind okay all right well that'll be fun there'll be some interesting pics I'm sure thank you for supporting the show for subscribing on Apple podcast Spotify reviewing this show we appreciate it tell your family tell your
Starting point is 00:01:59 friends your family I didn't say family I mean that's your friends that are your family right your family yeah you do have family you've got family that you're not friends with that's right you have friends that you're not family with how is that not a thing already well it just became your family members yeah i mean in this world where we we love to just you know do uh mishmash words well it should be uh on the social media platforms. You know, I have your friends.
Starting point is 00:02:26 Yeah. You should have your friends, your family, and then your family. The problem with the family button is that it lets your regular family members know where they stand. Yeah. They got to earn something. They got to do something. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:38 But you don't want your family members knowing they're not family. I don't think that's the case, though, because if you're in the family, you can't be in both. Oh, yeah. It lets the friends people know that they are on the outside, where the family people, they have their status of family. And that doesn't mean I like you.
Starting point is 00:02:57 Yeah, that's exactly right. I see Jason's point. I mean, you'd have two tiers. We'd be setting up society a little different. No, because the family never gets moved into framily no matter what. Wait, how does family... How do you become framily? That's a friend who moves into the framily.
Starting point is 00:03:12 Oh, see, what we were thinking was the opposite. We were talking very differently. We were talking about these are family members who you're actually friends with. The ones you like. The ones you like. But that's none of them. Well, that's for you. That's more of a you issue. Yeah, that's a you like. The ones you like. But that's none of them. Well, that's for you. That's more of a you issue.
Starting point is 00:03:25 Yeah, that's a you issue. Can we make everybody strangers? Yeah, there's a handful of family members that I really like. Yeah, your frenemies. My frenemies. All right, well, let's start the show. Would you rather? All right.
Starting point is 00:03:49 Ryan from Patreon. What is happening? We have people sprinting across the studio. Producers running through the shot. I love it. Ryan from Patreon. Would you rather drink 12 ounces of water from a vase? It's a vase.
Starting point is 00:04:04 Thank you, Mike. Can't it be a vase, though, too? I want it to be fancy. Yeah. Okay. From a vase. It's a tomato-tomato thing, but vase. Well, not really, because a tomato and a tomato, in the end, it is the same thing.
Starting point is 00:04:17 A vase and a vase, one is worth a lot more money. Oh, you think it's worth more because it's a vase? Oh, yeah. If I pay over $1,000 for a vase if i pay over a thousand dollars for a vase goodness gracious i cap out at a vase at like 50 bucks do tomatoes cost more no that's what i'm saying tomatoes tomatoes they're the same i'd love to just cut off halfway through the question so never ever buy a vase because if you're paying more than 50 dollars for a vase it's they're all the Well, let's wait and see where we might hide valuable things, Mike. Would you rather?
Starting point is 00:04:48 In a vase. Wait, no, they'll steal the vase. Well, the vase becomes a vase if you put something of value in it. That would also be true. Would you rather drink 12 ounces of water from a vase that has two week old flowers? That's not that old. Or eat one giant spider web. What?
Starting point is 00:05:08 Yeah, this is the question. I didn't write it. That's for sure. Ryan from Patreon wrote it. Define giant spider web. I would say something that is about the size of a standard piece of paper. Oh, it's a spider web. You'll eat that?
Starting point is 00:05:24 Now, there's probably some flies in it. Probably. Maybe. It's not a cobweb. it's a spider web you'll eat that now there's probably some flies in it probably maybe it's not a cobweb it's a spider web right but even a spider web i can take that thing i can roll that i mean what's the size of us of a even a giant spider web if you roll that thing down oh it's tiny is it's barely the size it's like a grain of sand that being said difficult to eat can we rewind for a? You said it's not a cobweb. It's a spiderweb. I am unaware that there is a difference between a cobweb and a spiderweb. There is. A cobweb is a spiderweb that has been departed and has now collected dust and is not in use.
Starting point is 00:05:58 Wait, is that a spitballer's definition? No, that's a real definition. It's an abandoned spiderweb? What? Yeah, it's a cobweb. This is real? I didn't know. That isweb? It's an abandoned spider web. What? Yeah, it's a cobweb. This is real? I didn't know. That is literally the word that they use when defining it.
Starting point is 00:06:09 It refers to an abandoned web. Thank you very much. Impressive. That is incredible. Send me the honorary doctorate. Impressive. I didn't know spiders were just moving willy-nilly. Old and covered with dust.
Starting point is 00:06:24 I'm just quoting the dictionary. I knew that the dust thing felt accurate. My point in even saying it was the fact that a spider web likely has very fresh bugs in it, whereas a cobweb, the bugs have been eaten. They might. They've disintegrated and you're just eating. Well, let's say one bug.
Starting point is 00:06:40 One bug. Max one bug. There's a fly. There's got to be at least one bug. All right. There's a fly. You have got to be at least one bug. All right. There's a fly. That's fine. You have to consume the whole thing.
Starting point is 00:06:48 That's going to be very difficult. No. Yes, it is. That will not be difficult. No. Okay. Hold on. It's like eating.
Starting point is 00:06:56 It's way worse than cotton candy. It's very sticky. See, cotton candy dissolves. It also might be a spider. Maybe the easiest thing. If there's a spider, I'm out. Okay. I'm out. You just said there might be. I easiest thing. If there's a spider, I'm out. Okay, I'm out.
Starting point is 00:07:07 You just said there might be. I'm out. Could be. Could be, I'm out. That's all I need. Anything, I'm out. In fact, the name, if it's a cobweb, okay, spider web, too much of the name. I'm out.
Starting point is 00:07:22 But what is, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, none of us, you guys have not ever tried a spider web? No, I've never tried one. Not recently. Do you have to use those cotton candy things to gather them? Yeah, you guys have not ever tried a spider web? No, I've never tried one. Not recently. Do you have to use those cotton candy things? Yeah, you got to wind it up. But maybe because these bugs stick to this thing, I would imagine it is very difficult. Like, is swallowing it easy? The bugs are weak.
Starting point is 00:07:39 That's the problem. There's their bugs. They're insignificant. But spider webs are sticky. Like, if you go through a spider web and you feel it on your skin it sticks to you it doesn't it clings it does cling yeah it no it clings to i get it but you if it's like a booger i mean you you give this thing enough rubbing up in the hands not that's not a fact well but oh for sure i will i will cannot booger a spider web if i've said it once i'll say it a thousand times. You can't booger a web. It's very snot-like. It's not snot-like. There are
Starting point is 00:08:05 some boogers that no matter how many times you roll it or flick, it will not remove. And then the best you could do is change fingers. You know what I mean? You're trying to get it off with the other finger and there is some part of that thing that is magically sticky. But eventually
Starting point is 00:08:22 enough of your finger oil will break it down and you get a flick. But I don't... Mike has never cleared a spider web in all of his days. Oh, I definitely have. But swallowing a spider web that might just have one of those magically sticky spots, I think would be a real problem. This is no problem.
Starting point is 00:08:39 You think you can just gulp down a spider web? You're a maniac. Well, he's going to roll it into a ball and hope he can basically swallow it like a pill. Yes. You cannot do that. Yes, you can. The booger analogy, that booger,
Starting point is 00:08:54 you want to know how you get that off your finger? Just bite it. That thing's off your finger. Lickety split. This is like a sticky fishing line. You can't just roll that into a little ball. Oh, yes, you can. How long does it... Well, I
Starting point is 00:09:05 officially am drinking the plant water. 12 ounces is a lot of dirt water. It's very nutritious. Also, water-borne bacteria is one of the leading causes of serious illness and death on the planet. I'm not
Starting point is 00:09:22 that worried about the two-week-old vase water. No, that's just about it. I'm not worried about about the two-week-old vase vase water no that's just that's about it i'm not worried about bacteria water they don't actually put water in vases they water their plants with wine well i'll take the vase wine but the 12 12 ounces is a good amount of water and i think the spider web is like a cup and a half. Like, it might take me a little bit more time to make sure I've got all the spider web in a place where I'm going to house it. But the actual, the action of eating the spider web will be very fast. There's no, I mean, 12 ounces of water you could put down in less than two seconds. That's pretty quick.
Starting point is 00:10:05 No, you are not two seconds. Oh, absolutely. No, you are not. I've done it 100 times in my life. You are not getting 12 ounces down in two seconds. Bring me 12 ounces. Bring me 12 ounces. I will make a $100 bet with you.
Starting point is 00:10:16 $100 bet. Okay. Here we go. We've got the first on our bet. 12 ounces of water in two seconds. 12 ounces of water in two seconds. Okay, we'll work this out. In the meantime, I am concerned that mike may try
Starting point is 00:10:25 to swallow the spider web and it will only go halfway down and become a spider web in his very throat that could where spiders begin to grow obviously from the web how do you you can't heimlich someone if it's a spider web sticky no you know i mean now you now you're having trouble breathing yeah i mean i don't think people are, you know, in other countries, you know how they eat bugs and they eat other things that we don't eat? Yes. They're not eating spider webs. Well, no, but they're using them to catch the things that they want to eat.
Starting point is 00:10:54 I think you will spend 45 minutes going like this, trying to get the thing. Now, how did we measure this water? He has a measuring cup. We have a measuring cup? The water has been, yeah, we do. Okay. All right, he's got... Oh, man.
Starting point is 00:11:06 This is going to be tough in two seconds. I'll give you the play-by-play. Do we have a timer? We have a stopwatch back there, right? Yep, we do. I got one right here. Give me just a sec. Oh, shoot.
Starting point is 00:11:16 This isn't going to happen. No, it's not. But it's going to be like five seconds. I just said the wrong number. Five seconds is not two seconds. All right. No, this is still good. Okay.
Starting point is 00:11:25 Okay, hold on. You go when... Jeremy's going to count you down. Yeah, you got to wait until the wrong number. Five seconds is not two seconds. All right. No, this is still good. Okay. Okay, hold on. You go when... Jeremy's going to count you down. Yeah, you got to wait until the water touches or, you know, give me a chance here. We'll give a note. We'll give you a three, two, one, click. Okay, ready?
Starting point is 00:11:36 Jeremy, go ahead. Three, two, one, go. Oh, you started way too soon. He's covered. That was four seconds. Hold on, hold on, hold on. That was four seconds. So you cheated and you poured a bunch of it on yourself.
Starting point is 00:11:55 Well, I was trying to drink as fast as I could. That is $100. Okay, thank you. I owe you $100. In addition to that, the amount of water that I'm sitting in right now that went straight to my inappropriate you got soggy bottom now i got soggy front mike i got a soggy front and it is uncomfortable so you can just to be clear you can in four seconds drink half a cup of water and pour the other half on your crotch that's right that's right okay we did it but if i had said five seconds if you had said five seconds i would have said yes the bet would have changed because i know how much 12 ounces of water is all right
Starting point is 00:12:35 all right but pretend that was voss water now that you did it i mean that's i would have drank it the same way um as fast as i could would have poured vosswater on his crotch. To get back to the... My crotch is soaking right now. I don't know. That was way more than 12 ounces. It's incredible that you managed to do that. I am proud of myself, but... So, getting back to the original question...
Starting point is 00:12:56 I'm proud of myself. Yes, I'm proud of you. That's the fastest $100 of all time. Four seconds, $100. That's a good deal. That being said, that means that the Voss water can be drank in five seconds. Maybe. I just proved it.
Starting point is 00:13:13 Yeah, no. You got to give him that, Mike. No, no, no, no. Because you drank perfectly clean, fresh water. Now go get some Voss water. I am going with the water. I don't want to eat the spider web. Okay. I'm going to go with the water as well. It wasn't that bad and it's kind of cooling me off right now right but then like
Starting point is 00:13:30 12 ounces of something that you did not want to drink sitting in your stomach yeah that's gonna be unpleasant no i agree but so will that one bug you had to eat yeah no one bug is no problem i couldn't eat a fly like if you if it was a fly, just eat one dead fly? I'll tell you, I wouldn't do that for $100. I mean... Would you eat a fly? You wouldn't eat a fly for $100? No way.
Starting point is 00:13:54 I don't think I could. We're talking a regular fly. Run of the mill. Not like a fruit fly. Yeah. Fruit fly, I eat those for fun. I accidentally drink those all the time. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:04 Final answer, Mike? You're going with the spider web. The final answer is I do have $100 that has been sent to me by Jackson. I'm a man of my word. Okay. Well, that was the first time money has exchanged hands live on the show. Accepted. No takesie backsies.
Starting point is 00:14:19 Well, there could be a bet later in the show. We'll see. We'll see. I hope to have this exchange quite a few times going back and forth simon from patreon which valuable power would you rather get okay we've got three choices the about the ability to cure someone's depression by hugging them okay that's great that's a great one ability to cure someone's illness by tickling them for one minute the ability to cure someone's physical injury by kissing it.
Starting point is 00:14:46 Which of those three? Now, the one I found to be a little bit disturbing is the one minute of tickles. That's a long tickle. Because the cure hasn't happened until the end of the tickle. Right. So you've got one minute of torturing an ill person is the way it sounds, right? Let's say you're down with the flu, Mike. You've had the flu before.
Starting point is 00:15:05 Of course. Someone tickles you for one minute while you're sick with the flu, but then you're better. Oh, every time. I mean, I know you'd be in on it, but that'd be a bad minute, right? Oh, for sure. It'll be a terrible minute. Now, remind me the third one, because we could cure depression with a hug. You can cure illness with a tickle.
Starting point is 00:15:22 Kiss a boo-boo. Kiss a boo-boo. An owie. A physical injury. So you break your leg. Someone can just kiss it and it fixes. Now, when I'm looking at this, all of these are serious. I don't want to denigrate any of this.
Starting point is 00:15:33 Yeah, they're all really good powers. But only the injury appears to be potentially deadly. You know what I mean? And the illness. And the depression. Yeah. So all of them are very deadly. All right. Okay. I know what you mean? And the illness. And the depression. Yeah. So all of them are very deadly. All right.
Starting point is 00:15:46 Okay. I'm just thinking like- I know what you mean by like- In an emergency. In an accident. Someone gets in a car crash. They're injured. I can kiss it all better.
Starting point is 00:15:56 Now, now, hold on, hold on. You are also now kissing a gaping neck wound. Yeah, that was the first thought I had genuinely. When it was being read, I was like, I got to kiss like this. That's not like eating a spider web. No, it's like, oh, it's a rug burn. No problem. You know, come here.
Starting point is 00:16:11 I'll kiss that, and your booboo will go away. But like, oh, no, that's a knife wound. Like, I don't want to. Oh, man. No. Like, now you have this superpower. It is a French kiss, too. You have a superpower that you never want to share with anybody.
Starting point is 00:16:26 I can take another one away here because here's another superpower I don't really want. Now, you can tickle this person with a serious illness. Oh, yeah. And there's nothing curing you. And you can't tickle yourself. They've got to tickle you back. Well, they don't have the power. It's my power.
Starting point is 00:16:42 And that's the problem. I'm ticklish. I can't tickle myself. So i can't i'm ticklish i can't tickle myself so i can't get rid of my own illness i could if i could tickle myself so you're gonna get so in the second one you get sick and the third one you kiss some blood you're just grossed out and then you could get sick physically oh but you're in the first one the first one they don't want you to hug them necessarily right until the hug because then i think anyone anyone who has their depression taken away would i mean that is that that hug would be the best hug yeah of their life i would
Starting point is 00:17:12 be depressed if you hugged me you would be depressed you couldn't be there because he would he took it away what a paradox i mean i think that's the fastest bout of depression. I think that's the one that I want to go with. It brings joy. It takes away sadness. And it's one of those, when people are depressed, you actually want to give them a hug. You want to have that embrace. Come here. Someone is going through something sad, and you have that embrace, that holding, like, I am here with you. I am here for you. That is like a normal response. So this is the natural, empathetic, normal response you want to do that actually now has a superpower to get rid of the thing causing it. That seems like perfection. The others have a real problem
Starting point is 00:18:05 with the power. This is just pure-hearted gold. You're not busting out the feather? Here comes the tickler! You put it on the end of a long stick and you don't get sick! I don't think feathers actually tickle someone.
Starting point is 00:18:22 Feather to the foot? Do you not have ticklish feet? Maybe to the feet. Maybe to the feet. And the neck? No, the neck couldn't make me tickle. Yeah, no, the neck for sure. The goat, as they call it? And the schnoz?
Starting point is 00:18:31 Get a feather right in the nostrils? Oh, yeah. That might make me sneeze. That's a, yeah. That's not a tickle. Oh, it's a tickle sneeze. All right, that's a different kind of tickle. It's like when you get a tickle at your nose,
Starting point is 00:18:40 you're not like... Yeah, but it's still a tickle. I think we should under... One minute is a long time to tickle somebody your nose you're not like yeah but but it's still a tickle i think we are we should under one minute is a long time to tickle somebody it is right because you normally you know you can get away with even like i tickle my my kids i mean it's like stop stop stop after like two seconds so it's torture let me tell you two seconds is a lot quicker than you think can you die i have learned that two seconds it's probably more like four seconds andy is my guess of what you're thinking how long you could tickle your kids uh i bet you a hundred dollars
Starting point is 00:19:11 do you uh can you die from being tickled oh that's anybody ever been killed in history by being tickled i see somebody googling over there yeah we're on it. I mean, in the history of humanity, probably. Certainly, it caused something like, oh, someone tickled the ribs, and they jumped out, and there was a bus. They should not have done that. Or you tickle the driver, and they swerve. Oh, you never tickle the driver. Never. Never tickle the driver.
Starting point is 00:19:40 That is a rule in my car that is screamed too often. Okay, so we got it. All all right so we need to get some uh we do have an article here i don't know how to say the word tickle wait aneurysm is that aneurysm yeah okay i don't know how to spell aneurysm so we've had somebody get it have an aneurysm during a tickle fight okay that makes that makes sense because of so much laughing i mean is it i don't want to stumble down the mountain too far here but i mean why don't we could we get some secrets from other governments through this kind of a torture method of the what the tickle method tickle method yeah it's not good forget water torture forget waterboarding yeah and if the person has any underlying conditions it says it can cause lead to a stroke heart attack and
Starting point is 00:20:30 respiratory arrest that makes sense but that's like pretty much anything you do to somebody that has the possibility of that yeah walking into a room unannounced could give someone a heart attack right so we're gonna take that off the table. Could you pass out, though? You could probably pass out. Yeah. A minute of tickling is a lot of... And we're talking max tickle. Yeah, we're talking max tickle, but I feel like could you lose weight? You might be able to lose weight being tickled. There's a gym that is just a tickle gym,
Starting point is 00:20:57 and I go there, and they just tickle me for a while, and then it gets my heart rate up, and then I leave. I didn't have to do nothing. Yeah, they also have this machine that they put on you that just zaps your muscles. It's a workout, too. I've been looking into that.
Starting point is 00:21:09 His Apple Watch says, are you being tickled right now? And then he starts a workout. We have to final answer this thing. Oh, my final answer is definitely curing depression with a golden hug. I'm going to go with the tickling one. I know it's not going to be a good minute. Who's kissing the wounds? Not me.
Starting point is 00:21:27 That's gross. Sorry. Unfortunately, it's the last one. You do have it. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. Well, those people are going to perish. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:21:35 I will get all finger cuts removed. Don't worry. If you slice yourself on that paper, come my way. Well, I can hit like a bruise. I got a finger cut? Yeah, but you did. A paper cut. If you got like a bruise okay i can handle that but if you got if you're bleeding no if the bone's sticking out go to the er i ain't kissing that thing all right woody from twitter in a fight to the death
Starting point is 00:21:59 with a foe would you rather get a sixoter with a single bullet placed randomly in the cylinder or a machete? Your opponent gets the other weapon. Wow. The gun? Yeah, for sure. Click, click, click, click, click, click. You're dead. Click, click, click, click, click, boom.
Starting point is 00:22:22 And it might just be boom. I mean, I can maintain the aim for six i will fix this question very easily you get a six shooter there are two bullets in the chambers you don't know where you don't know where they're at okay but one of them is bad and you get one shot uh are you taking the gun or the machete you've basically got a one in three for having the bullet 33 chance yeah wait i don't understand you're saying there's two random bullets in the cylinder it's a six shooter so you got a one in three chance to and you spin it you're spinning the and then the other person gets
Starting point is 00:22:53 a machete and you only get to shoot the gun once to pull the trigger once that's right it may not oh okay i get it now you get a 33 chance of even having it fire and then i'm done with it i could use it as a weapon still right yeah you You could. You could swing it around. A bludgeoning device. Yeah, which will not be that good against the machete. No. Maybe. No, I would go machete there because it's 66% chance.
Starting point is 00:23:15 So what if it's three bullets? Let's go 50-50 shot. You got to go with the bullet. Then I'm taking the bullet. But then what's your percentage chance of hitting them? Because then you got to do some advanced math. Yeah. Are you better than 50-50 on hitting them? Because then you've got to do some advanced math. Yeah. Are you better than 50-50 on hitting them?
Starting point is 00:23:27 Yeah, I think so. I don't know what type of distance. I'm going to let them run at me with the machete for a while. Here's the truth. You're talking about the distance. What kind of distance? You're going to be out of the range of the machete, or at least you hope you are.
Starting point is 00:23:38 That's true. You're going to need to in order to win. I mean, I've played enough duck hunting in my day. That's the key. You're in a boxing ring. Oh, I like that that's okay yeah i could yeah i can hit someone for what it's worth i think you guys discounted the original question way too quickly as far as like being able to get the shot off accurately and if you miss now you're weaponless yeah but i i mean i'm not a gun person but i imagine if you're just pointing it like at your target and you just cycle through the trigger real fast.
Starting point is 00:24:10 Also, I think you are underestimating what the person with the machete is going to do, like what they should do, right? You're at your corners in the boxing ring. The bell rings. You need to charge. Yep. Charge a person with the gun pointed at you. It ain't't gonna be easy you're gonna start you're gonna be wanting to dodge and duck and dive and you're you're not
Starting point is 00:24:30 charging lay down it's just not happening you run in a in a zigzag pattern yeah i mean i go into a roll i go 100 that's the right move you gotta dive roll and i stab myself with my own machete. Yes, in the roll. And then they walk out with the gun having not been fired. And they go, that was easy. That guy just killed himself. And I've got a gun. Just tiger rolling all. They're just sitting there. Now, is there a chance?
Starting point is 00:24:58 See, if I had the machete, here's a strategy. You're in a boxing ring, which changes everything. Do you throw the machete no no no no no listen if you throw the machete the person with the gun 100 has to react to the machete and in the amount of time that they have to react to the machete flying through the air you can close that distance actually but now i have no weapon yeah and they've got a gun yeah but they have no weapon either as long as you close the distance. How do they have...
Starting point is 00:25:28 If you close the distance, their gun disappears? You just grab the gun, get it out of the way from them. Yeah, you just do that. Grab the gun without shooting your face. I've seen the TikToks on how you disarm somebody. It's so easy. Now the gun's pointed at you.
Starting point is 00:25:43 Okay, new plan. One more. You're in a boxing ring, right? Very springy floor. It's so easy. You just go, which car? Now the gun's pointed at you. Okay, new plan. One more. You're in a boxing ring, right? Very springy floor. It's not working. When you charge, you jump as high as you can so you get shot in the lowest part of your body. So you can continue fighting. See, actually, I think the opposite is the better route. I think that if someone-
Starting point is 00:26:00 Get shot in the head? No, if someone has a machete and you're going to say, I'm going to try to block a machete strike to get a close distance while I'm click, click, clicking, you're probably going to be okay. Wait, you get six shots again? No. You're cycling through trying to get to the bull. Yeah, I'm just saying like one swing of a machete certainly could, but if I'm defending myself, that's probably not taking me out. Also, how bouncy are boxing rings? That term bouncy was thrown out there.
Starting point is 00:26:29 I threw it out there like WWE mats. Are they like the gymnastics? No, they're not like that. I mean, these guys aren't jumping around six feet high, punching each other. Dude, that would be awesome. WWE should have a trampoline event where the boxing boxing ring is a trampoline and they have to they're like running just like moon it's moon boxing heck yeah man that's the new sport oh but moon boxing okay or you just put them in those old moon shoes from the 80s i mean or you put
Starting point is 00:26:57 them on the moon either way from the you don't remember those like back when we were young they had the the shoes that were the bouncy shoes. Like springs? Yes. Wow. They didn't work that well. That's why they're gone. No, there was lots of injuries. All right.
Starting point is 00:27:11 We are going to move on. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Look, we all carry around different stressors, big or small. I am the same as you. We all have things that we are stressed out about dealing with. We keep things bottled up sometimes, and those things can affect us negatively. And therapy is a safe space to get things off your chest and to try to figure out how to work through whatever is weighing you down. I've benefited from therapy before.
Starting point is 00:27:43 My wife and I, we both have. you down. I've benefited from therapy before. My wife and I, we both have. And look, whether or not you've been in therapy personally, there are lots of different benefits that I want to tell you about. It helps you learn positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, empowers you to be the best version of yourself, to deal with things from your past or things that may be, you know, major traumas and things of that nature. If you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online. I love that. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited for your schedule. So you don't have to, you know, you can work it into your daily routines. So get those important things that you need to off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash ballers today to get 10% off your first month.
Starting point is 00:28:25 That's betterhelp.com slash ballers. That's a great question. Luke wants to know if you have two lasagnas and you put one on top of the other, is it now one lasagna or is it two lasagnas? Nope, it's one lasagna. That's for sure. That's an easy one because there's no rule to the layer amount on a lasagna. What is common? Exactly, Mike.
Starting point is 00:29:04 Exactly. No one knows. No, I'm asking a question no one knows there isn't uh there isn't an answer there's i'm i'm i'm sure it's not like three of the noodle here's the question the base of a lasagna i've had a lot of lasagnas and the base oftentimes just based on the baking can get a little crispy yeah will there be an acknowledgement of the crispy middle on this new single lasagna and could that disrupt it right if you put a house on another house with the foundation you still have two houses you're saying the lasagnas the lasagnas have been cooked already that's separate cooks and now you're you're you're slicing out a piece of lasagna.
Starting point is 00:29:47 You're putting it on. Because if you put. If you serve that. Does somebody go. Did you serve me two pieces of lasagna stacked on top of each other? Or do they say thank you for my piece of lasagna? Well I mean obviously if it's. It's got to be an internal piece.
Starting point is 00:29:59 It has to. Because if it's got the sides. And you've got the full like. You know the attachment. Of the bottom and the side. I accept an internal piece being stacked. Internal piece on top of internal piece. It's certainly not going to be optimal for keeping your lasagna together. But I don't think anybody would say, why have you served me one lasagna on top of another lasagna?
Starting point is 00:30:20 I would just like to acknowledge that lasagna is... Delicious? It's fine. Okay. It is. Of all the Italian dishes, that's on the lower rung for me. Here's the problem, and I'm going to- I'm never like, people are like, oh, it's lasagna.
Starting point is 00:30:34 You're excited for lasagna? I'm not going to fight you on this, Mike. I'm not going to fight you on this, because there's so many layers in a lasagna. That's just opportunities to make a mistake. So a peak lasagna is really really good do you yes but you can mess up a lasagna on many different layers you could mess one layer up it ruins the lasagna how often when you are dishing the lasagna do you get it intact very rarely without it just sliding and now it's it's not a it's now you're eating a uh like an open-faced
Starting point is 00:31:04 lasagna yeah that's why i took out a uh like an open face lasagna yeah that that's why i took out the uh side dishes of the lasagna because that'll stay together because of that crust on the side and the bottom if you've got an internal piece i'm pretty sure that that's impossible to stay together anybody ever deep fried a piece of lasagna now we're talking to keep it all together yes fire that up that up. That is some American ingenuity. Right. I appreciate where your mind is going and the possibilities. But I'm looking it up.
Starting point is 00:31:31 I think what we need to do is we need to do the double stack lasagna and then the deep fry. Yeah. Then it's definitely one piece. Then it is definitely one piece. But lasagna, looking this up, how many layers is in a lasagna? Three. Unless you look at a different site.
Starting point is 00:31:44 Four. Unless you look at a different site. Five. look at a different site five five six that five is way too many these are saying this is normal no this is normal four to four to six is the is the standard some sites say there is no rule to how how deep a lasagna now let me ask you is a layer of chaos is a layer constituted by simply one piece of pasta would that count as an additional layer? I believe that each layer is the pasta. So, like, if you go pasta, cheese, pasta, you're at two layers. Interesting.
Starting point is 00:32:13 I would have thought it's the guts between the pastas. Really? Like the meat, then the cheese, then the meat. Back to the house, your roof is not a floor. It's the roof. It's the ceiling. Okay. No one lives up there.
Starting point is 00:32:26 So hold on. Let me describe to you a slice of lasagna, and you tell me how many layers it has. Okay, do it. Let's go. All right. We got crust. Yep. We got cheese.
Starting point is 00:32:35 Yep. Did you say crust? Yeah, just the bottom layer. Of noodles? Yes. Okay, gotcha. Go on, go on. Now we got to start over.
Starting point is 00:32:44 It's like graham cracker crust at the bottom of this thing oh let's try that on for size all right noodle okay crust uh cheese yes noodle okay uh meat uh noodle okay cheese noodle that's that's a three layer lasagna layer that's a three-layer lasagna. That's a three-layer. That's a three-layer. Yeah. I had six. Wait, you had six? You count both? Wait. No, you're counting like, you're counting noodle and guts. Stuffing as a layer.
Starting point is 00:33:13 Is that what I'm doing? That's what you just did. Oh, that sounds delicious. You also counted the basement. Do you feel like- You counted the foundation. Do you feel like more of a man if you have more layers to your lasagna? Yeah, I'm sitting here eating six-layer lasagna.
Starting point is 00:33:25 You guys are eating three-layer lasagna. That's what I think this is all about. Let me guess. You put a little pepper on top, another layer? Oh, man. I mean, if there's maybe some parm on top, I'd give up to eight, nine, ten layers. All right. I think we settled that.
Starting point is 00:33:38 Cameron. Nice. You must survive the next month as an animal while the entire animal kingdom hunts you down. Which animal are you choosing? I'm a bear. I'm a bear. I mean, we have been deep diving and exploring very recently some of the... I'm a cheetah.
Starting point is 00:33:56 Oh, so you're just running. Oh, yeah. Now, cheetahs die by other animals all the time. No, never died before. Really? Every cheetah you see out there is the first one. Yeah, they don't die. How do cheetahs get killed?
Starting point is 00:34:08 They're predators, so they're at the bottom of the... They're not smart. Cheetahs? Correct. But they're so fast. Well, they are that, and that's good because they are not smart. They're dumb? That's what I've heard.
Starting point is 00:34:22 Well, look, I just wanted to run away from things. I feel like that's your best bet of not being killed. Yeah, but you also will eventually be tired. I know cheetahs can barely sprint. They can go for a little while, then they're super tired. If the entire animal kingdom is after you, you will get tired. Oh, is that what it said? Oh, the entire animal kingdom.
Starting point is 00:34:41 Lions, leopards, and hyenas. Oh, screw this. I'm a peregrine falcon. All prey on cheetah. Now we're taken to the air, and I like your theory. I'm getting out of there. Okay, that might even be better than a bear. I don't think so.
Starting point is 00:34:52 It's the fastest flying creature. Yeah, like if you- It can't be caught. If you can fly- Jet engines is my problem. Look, if you can fly, the only concern for you now for a while will be other creatures of flight. But you can also find a nice little nook or cranny in a cliff and hide where no one else can get you. If you are wanting to not live your life, if you're wanting to just go run and hide like a coward.
Starting point is 00:35:19 It's just survive for a month. Are you fighting the animal kingdom? I'm living my normal life. Which, okay, a bear would be able to do that yeah because uh you know we were talking about a polar bear this is a about a week probably go with the polar bear we were talking about how incredibly strong chimpanzees are which if you didn't realize like some people around this studio didn't realize they will tear your face off. Literally and have torn faces off. I saw an interview recently from an expert talking about this. And the level of definitiveness that he had.
Starting point is 00:35:54 And it was about like, could this super MMA fighter survive a fight with this chimp? And it was like, no, he would be killed immediately. His arms would be ripped off of his body they literally said they go out of a hundred fights how many does he win he goes he would lose all 100 so there's no doubt there i mean and that was the chimpanzee so then we're like oh my gosh a gorilla a full-size like mammoth gorilla that a chimpanzee cannot handle that's got to be the apex most unstoppable creature on land and then we were like well it turns out that the like what is it a silverback gorilla yeah yeah those compared to a grizzly bear they got nothing on the grizzly because the
Starting point is 00:36:41 grizzly's got 800 pounds or so yeah i mean I mean, it's way bigger, just as strong, has the claws and the teeth that the gorillas don't have. So, I mean, if you're talking about what are you, you know, the lion versus the grizzly, grizzly. That's why I think the polar is the actual apex. Oh, the polar. Yeah. You might be right there.
Starting point is 00:37:03 I don't, I'm, I'm very biased to where I live. I have not visited the Arctic recently. No, yours was a desert bear. Yes, mine was a desert bear. But then you talk about elephants, and it's... Oh, that's actually a really good... Enough animal kingdom could take out an elephant, though, right? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:37:24 I mean, I guess if there's other elephants involved. I mean, if you threw like... that's actually enough animal kingdom could take out an elephant though right i don't know i mean i guess if there's other elephants involved i mean if you threw like there's a problem with your bear yeah yeah now the bears are coming i think it's got to be the rest of the animal your your kind aren't fighting for you but they are not fighting bear is losing against like i don't know 100 elephants they're not winning oh yes i don't trample i don't i don't think anything could take down a full size like if you're the biggest elephant out there i don't know, 100 elephants. They're not winning that. Oh, yes. They're just getting trampled. I don't think anything could take down a full size. If you're the biggest elephant out there, I don't think the pack of lions can take down one of these elephants. They are so big.
Starting point is 00:37:54 20 tigers could take an elephant out. Yeah, maybe if it's just the one. That's why I'm flying away, people. Any of you want to be a worm and hide under the ground? I mean, that's a whole month. That's where they live. That's not hiding. No, I'm not worried about the hiding.
Starting point is 00:38:09 Nothing can get to you 16 down. I'm saying go spend a month in a room of solitary confinement and then come out a normal person. Jason, $100. Nothing. Aside from humans, lions are the only predators powerful enough to kill an elephant. So you're learning today. There's a bunch of them. I am learning.
Starting point is 00:38:31 Because one of them can't do it. There's no way. Now here's the problem. If I was going to attack the falcon, because I said I'd go falcon, I'd be waiting for the storm to roll in. Right? Because that's when you might be a little bit more vulnerable as a bird. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:47 They can fly in the rain, though. You think they can fly in a storm, a hurricane? Yeah, for sure. Not where they want to go. Did you say not for sure? No, I said for sure. Mike said not. I said for sure.
Starting point is 00:38:57 No, have you never seen... Birds don't like the storm when there's a strong wind. Have you never seen the bird that's flapping and flying except it's not moving yes i have seen that but but but i can't out duel the wind i'm but i'm saying it can stay afloat and it stays fly i've seen birds fly in a hurricane not well they're not enjoying life but they're really flying it's kind of being thrown around yeah this is like a sailboat in the ocean during a storm you go where the wind wants you to go these little birds aren't fighting the wind sure but that doesn't mean that other animals aren't fighting the same wind and they're gonna attack me i was just saying it would ground the bird and make them vulnerable to the other attackers okay final
Starting point is 00:39:38 answer i will choose the peregrine falcon yeah um one more here should sack lunch sandwiches always be cut in half or is it acceptable to leave them whole andrew from patreon would like to know and a follow-up do you teach your children some sort of uh discipline by making them eat a whole sandwich no that's nonsense um because they got to break through the you know you they have the crust if you do not cut there is yeah they either have to tear it in half and get messy hands yes or they got to break through the crust. If you do not cut, they either have to tear it in half and get messy hands, or they've got to break through the kid problem of not eating crust, which is, how does this happen?
Starting point is 00:40:12 And my son still to this day, now he's never asked me to cut it off. He just doesn't eat it. Yeah, he'll just eat to the rim. And then it's, I'm full. I'm so full. I could never eat that. How does this happen? Because I'm sure you guys were guilty too. i wouldn't eat the crust oh no pizza crust like no thank you and then eventually
Starting point is 00:40:32 at some point in your your maturation you're like well maybe i guess i'll try it and you go oh yeah it's just like the rest of the bread it's not just as good as the rest of the bread it's not because it doesn't have it doesn't have he's right it doesn't like the rest of the bread. It's not just as good as the rest of the bread. It's not. What? Because it doesn't have the filling all the way to the edge. Sometimes it's even better. Well, pizza crust, sure. But we're talking about two different things. Like sourdough?
Starting point is 00:40:56 Okay, no, you're right on that. You're right on that. That is different. But we're talking run-of-the-mill white bread off the shelf. White bread, the crust is not as good. It's exactly the same. No, it is it's it's a different texture it's uh you know look the the outside got baked more and is a different flavor and a different texture it's not fair to say that it's kind of better on sourdough but then it's not any different on other well the sourdough because yeah i guess
Starting point is 00:41:21 you're saying that the sourdough is far more crispy but even like when it's just the white bread or the wheat bread, I don't know. It feels like it's all the same softness to me. Now, what we do in the Moore household. Would you eat an all-crust sandwich? Sure. Oh, the heel? The heel. Perfect question.
Starting point is 00:41:35 Oh, yeah. No, you know how many heel sandwiches my children have eaten without their knowledge? Wait, they don't know? How could they not know? Are their eyes closed? You hide them on the bottom and they don't care? You take the heels. Okay?
Starting point is 00:41:48 You flip it. Okay, okay, okay. So exposed heel is out. No way. You do secret heel? You monster. You peanut butter and jelly. Oh, oh, oh.
Starting point is 00:41:56 You put it together and then you take your sandwich cutter and you cut it. And they have- Wait, first of all, sandwich cutter? Oh, yeah. The circle sandwich cutter is- Oh, I've never heard of this. This is, you got to have this for the children because they don't like it. cut it and they have wait first of all sandwich cutter oh yeah the circle sandwich cutter is oh i've never heard of this this is you got to have this for the children because they don't the irony is that that's to make it a crustless sandwich yes and you're making an all crust
Starting point is 00:42:13 sandwich and they have no idea so you just get personal satisfaction yes i'm making them think that they're getting what and they have no problem they have no because you would never because on the outside it just looks like regular bread. My mind is blown. That is genius. That is so mean. That is literally the meanest thing. How is it mean?
Starting point is 00:42:31 I've heard of some mean things. They're healthier, right? They're not the wiser. I've heard of animals ripping faces off. I've never heard of something this mean. You are making them eat the heel of a loaf of bread without their express written consent. No, they choose to eat the sandwich. They say, Dad, I need a sandwich.
Starting point is 00:42:48 They say, Dad, I trust you. And you say, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's amazing. And I made a delicious sandwich. The flip. He does the flip. Oh, my goodness. And then he covers it with peanut butter to hide it.
Starting point is 00:43:00 And then he goes and dances in the other room. Just inside out the heels. Oh, my goodness. And circle cut. Have you done a double heel? Yeah. I've done it with. You've served a child with a heel on both sides flipped?
Starting point is 00:43:11 Yes. So, yes. Oh, you. You monster. They don't know. Here, eat up. They don't know because there's no difference. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:20 Wow. Don't cheat it up. We'll tell you. Oh, man. That is a prank. What you got to do is give one kid the double heel sandwich and make it obvious and have them complain and give the other the other one. They brag about it and then reveal at the end.
Starting point is 00:43:32 Ooh. Very nice. I don't believe you that you can't tell a difference. Impressive. $100, Mike, that I can tell the difference between a heel sandwich and a non-heel sandwich. The problem with this is it's just opinion. But if I gave you, if we had 100 sandwiches, could you do it every single, yeah, could you pick it out every time?
Starting point is 00:43:55 Without a doubt. I don't know. I mean, I can do that in under five seconds, Mike. It is a texture difference. Yeah, maybe. And a flavor difference. I don't know you might be able to do it I'm not
Starting point is 00:44:07 fully doubting but well we've solved life's problems let's move on the spitballers Draft. Today we are drafting the best places to hide something valuable. Now I know my co-hosts very well. And with the first pick, unfortunately, look, this wouldn't be my, necessarily my favorite place to hide something. But you think that we would
Starting point is 00:44:46 take it immediately but I'm a little worried that it would be one of your top picks so unfortunately you have backed me into a corner we're just sitting here man no this is on both of you but I'm going to have to go with my butt oh I did not
Starting point is 00:45:01 see that coming it is not on my list. Wait a minute. Oh, my goodness. Oh, brother. Oh, that just happened. This is your fault. It's supposed to be your fault.
Starting point is 00:45:16 It's never a thought. No, no. When you see my list. No, of course it's not on my list. People do that. Yeah, people do do that. Yeah, not me. Not me.
Starting point is 00:45:32 I'm not choosing that on my list, but Andy is with the 101. He's going to hide something in his butt. Oh, yes. I am so happy we backed him into that corner, Mike. I don't know how we did it, but great job. I thought for sure you'd choose your butt. No, because I would never do it. If it was really valuable and you didn't want anybody to get it.
Starting point is 00:45:54 I mean, I won't find it there, I promise. Wow. Great pick. Great pick. We're starting it off strong with the butt. Criminals do it all the time, guys. That is true. I know it happens.
Starting point is 00:46:10 I'm not a criminal. I'm just going to hide my cash in a place I can hide it. I'm just trying to conceal some documents. Yeah, I'm not trying to hide anything inappropriate over here. Oh, well, you're not finding this. No. No, that cash is yours. Keep it safe. All right, Mike. Oh, well, you're not finding this. No, no, that cash is yours. Keep it safe.
Starting point is 00:46:26 All right, Mike. Well, okay. The 101 is taken care of. So, uh, the,
Starting point is 00:46:33 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:34 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:34 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:34 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:34 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:37 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:37 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:38 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:40 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
Starting point is 00:46:42 the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, He drafted his butt and almost lost it. The Foot Clan's got my back. It's not as extreme.
Starting point is 00:46:53 But I would, an aquarium. Okay, in an aquarium. And like put that in a Ziploc bag or something? Pretty boring. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, sure, I have to get a waterproof package, a little bit of an inconvenience. As do I. A little bit more of an inconvenience. But go on.
Starting point is 00:47:14 Just put it under the rocks there, and then you fill it with water. I mean, come on. Horrible mistake. No one's... I thought for sure you were taking toilet or something. Well, in a matter of speaking... Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 00:47:31 That's where he reveals his treasure. Okay. Well... Oh, man. I thought there was one for sure. Okay. I'm going to take the same one Andy took, just slightly different. I'm going to go with a hole in the backyard, which is, you know, we both have a hole in the backyard.
Starting point is 00:47:50 All right. No, I got it. For my first pick. And then for my second pick, I just always want one of these. And so I'm going to draft it so that I get one. It's a safe behind a painting. I want to open the painting. I've thought about putting one of those in.
Starting point is 00:48:09 Yeah, that'd be so cool. Like, I get to, like, whoa, this is a painting. No, look. And it opens, and then there's a safe behind it. You probably got a six-shooter in there, too. Oh, for sure, but only one bullet. Yeah. I like it because as a human, you you're like you think that art's valuable just
Starting point is 00:48:26 wait till you see what the real value is yeah i keep it behind the valuables so you and that way when someone comes and steals your valuable painting they're like oh dude there's another there's another thing right here uh buried in the backyard a wall safe and then mike you have the bottom of an aquarium and uh i'm gonna go you guys wish you'd been able to pick my pick here. I mean, look, you got it before we could. Yes, I did. Egg on our face. Yes, I did.
Starting point is 00:48:53 I will go with dog kennel. Okay. Interesting. Now, that's not a dog house? Just a kennel? I feel like a dog house has to be outside of your house. i feel like a dog house is has to be outside of your house you're running a risk of the dog eating your valuables sure sure but i feel like i can attach you know their little the pillow or whatever they sleep on and okay you have the the envelope
Starting point is 00:49:17 of money under there if the dog is sleeping in the dog kennel the the the cat burglar is not going in there now you have brought up an interesting idea i had not thought about my dog's butt yeah because eventually this this animal will eat that money but is available as i got some things to hide i got i got three more picks and i'm wanting to know where i can put these things but um all right so obviously I've already got in my butt with my 101, and you chose bury it, which was going to be in there. I'm going to go with bottom of a well. You can't stop from the bottom.
Starting point is 00:49:57 I'm going to the bottom of a well. I'm lowering my valuables down into the well. No one's going down there. No one's going there because it's just water. You only fall into the well. No one's going down there. No one's going there because it's just water. You only fall into a well. You don't go into a well. If someone's down in that well, they fell in. And once they're there?
Starting point is 00:50:11 Yeah, they can't get out. How many skeletons are in your well? That's right. Dozens. Yes. Everybody's well has several dead bodies. No one goes in there to look. The second choice, a little different than Jason's.
Starting point is 00:50:24 In the walls. I'm hiding something valuable inside of the walls my hope is that i never tell anybody about it pass away and then generations later they go to remodel the house they find the millions and i've blessed somebody i i have when i was doing this i came up with my list really easily but then i searched to see if i was forgetting anything and i saw all these, and I saw all these great places to hide stuff. And all I kept thinking when I looked at all these really intricate like, this is where you actually want to hide something
Starting point is 00:50:51 that a robber will never find. I'm like, I will never remember where I put this. I will hide my valuable there, and that is gone. I just deleted the valuable from my life. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, and eventually that flower container will get thrown away, and it's gone. That's how I was thinking about this, is if someone had broken into my house, and they're looking for the valuables. Where are the obvious places to put it?
Starting point is 00:51:16 They ain't looking there. No, you're safe. You're not even at home. Yeah, I'm hoping I'm not there. All right, so you got your two picks? The bottom of the well and inside of the walls. Okay. Yes.
Starting point is 00:51:26 And also my butt. Yes. Yes, well documented. A place where I feel like a burglar is not going to look for something of high value, it's in my children's closet up there at the top where the kids cannot reach it. So I understand that you're like, well, if your kid finds it. But if you put it at the top of the closet, the kid can't get up there. And who's putting valuables in there?
Starting point is 00:51:49 Just asking for a friend. You got any of your valuables in these places? Yeah, that's a good question. I don't know. Hey, burglars, listen up. We hide nothing anywhere here. I'm in trouble. They know, Andy. They know. We hide nothing anywhere here. I'm in trouble. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:05 They know, Andy. They know. Yeah. I feel like when the burglar has, I don't know, whatever, their five minutes or whatever they give themselves to go quickly through a house, in the kids' room, they're going to open it up, see stuffed animals, go, there's nothing valuable in here. Okay.
Starting point is 00:52:24 All right. At least to me. I don't know. No, it's not the first place they're gonna open it up see stuffed animals go there's nothing valuable in here okay all right at least to me i don't know no it's not the first place they're looking all right jason you got two picks so i i told you i was going with like where you always see things hidden in movies you know you got the safe behind the picture it's very fancy but if you feel that creek in the floor you're gonna want to pull that rug away, and those floorboards are loose. So I'm hiding it under the floor under a rug. Nice. Because I've always wanted something like that.
Starting point is 00:52:50 Yeah, it would be really fun. You know, it's like, oh, because the two-step process is really important to me. You know, you've got to pull something back to pull something back. Right. Yeah. Because if it's just under the rug, it's like. I thought you were going to go safe under there as well. Safe under the rug.
Starting point is 00:53:05 What is, why is that rug so high up off the ground? Don't look under that rug. There's nothing here. The big lump? Yes. You can put the safe in the floor. That is where I was going, but no, it's funnier. It's just a safe covered by a rug.
Starting point is 00:53:20 Yes, but covered by a rug. Don't look under that. It's just a rug. All right. So one more, Jason. All right. Well, since I'm going with my thing and a thing motif here, I feel committed to that and I'm looking through my list and I'm wrapping it in aluminum foil and putting it in the freezer because that's getting thrown out. Yeah, that's the problem. That was my worry. It's getting thrown out for sure. It's the problem. That was my worry. That's getting thrown out for sure.
Starting point is 00:53:45 It's in the back of the freezer. And here's the nice thing. It's interesting. You're thinking cash for all of this. Anything small. It could be a flash drive. It could be cash. It could be documents.
Starting point is 00:53:55 It could be- Baseball cards? Yeah. Is a flash drive- What about a ring? In a freezer. That'll work. But a flash drive in a freezer, would that break?
Starting point is 00:54:02 No, I don't think it would break. It depends what kind. I'll bet you $100. Here, take your valuables. How long? I think, according to my research, flash drives can stay in a freezer indefinitely. I've done no research. You've got to take some trust in those reports when you do that.
Starting point is 00:54:23 Yeah. Yeah, because if you're wrong, that thing's toast. Well, it's the opposite. Yeah, it's frozen. Yes. So my assets have been frozen. We are back to you with your final pick. All right.
Starting point is 00:54:35 The pick I thought you were going to make, Andy, is the back of the toilet. Yes, it's on my list. I mean, it's the same idea as the aquarium. Is that better in the back or in the top part of the toilet? That's what I mean. I'm not taping it to the back. I'm putting it in the same idea as the aquarium. Is that better in the back or in the top part of the toilet? That's what I mean. I'm not taping it to the back. I'm putting it in the tank. In the tank.
Starting point is 00:54:48 Tank of the toilet. Maybe that's common enough now, but to me, that feels like a fine place. It's a gift for the plumber. That's the one problem. Okay. Hey, when you fix that toilet, don't take the money. So I've got in my butt, at the bottom of a well, inside the walls. Okay.
Starting point is 00:55:07 And I'm going to go with a little bit of a twist here at the end. Ooh. I mean, more than I've already. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go with. Swallow it. In plain sight.
Starting point is 00:55:20 Ooh. Okay. I'm going in plain, because there's nothing I can. The cash is on the table. Well, I was thinking like when I'm looking for something, I can't find the thing right in front of my face. Yeah. So neither can the robbers, right? No way.
Starting point is 00:55:35 They're going to look under every cabinet and in those toilets. But that that countertop, they won't see it. They'll say there's no way that's real cash. That's right. That's no one. That's the decoy won't see it coming. They'll say, there's no way that's real cash. That's right. No one would hide the money. Now you get it. Well, I... On the counter.
Starting point is 00:55:52 On the counter, in plain sight. I'm a bit of a genius. Yeah, no, I love it. So here is... Are we... That's it. I believe that's it. Yeah, all right.
Starting point is 00:56:02 Here's some of the things I had. Under the mattress, you know, classic. I have that's it. All right. Here's some of the things I had under the mattress. You know, classic. I have up in a tree and in the attic. You got to get the height sometimes. People are lazy. They ain't be climbing. I should have taken in a vase because it was on my list. I do have a planter in mine.
Starting point is 00:56:19 Yeah. And a drop ceiling. You know, you always see that in the movies. Oh, yeah. Where do they have the tiles that go up. But I don't have any drop ceilings at my house. And so the last one was in your sock. Keep it close to you.
Starting point is 00:56:32 You know what I mean? The one you're wearing. Yes. So you're just stepping on it all day. Well, it's not under. These are ankle socks, and it is on the side of my leg. So it's rubbing against your ankle all day. I've actually done this many, many times. the side of my leg. So it's rubbing against your ankle all day. I've actually done this
Starting point is 00:56:46 many, many times. Hidden stuff in my sock and you don't even know it's there. That sounds very uncomfortable. No, you have no idea. It sounds awful. You'd put like a diamond ring in your sock and walk around? Well, I did do that once when I proposed to my wife and it was fine. Wait, you did?
Starting point is 00:57:01 You put it in your sock? I did. But it was in a box. I put the whole box in there. You put the box? You were in tube socks? Yeah. I had to wear tube socks to keep the full box ring. You didn't want it in your pocket? Were you without pockets? Well,
Starting point is 00:57:17 it was really bulky in the pocket and you could tell. I was trying to hide. I was trying to hide it. So it wasn't very obvious that you had a goiter sticking out the side of your... No, because I had pants on over that. So you couldn't see. Yeah, but how baggy are these pants? Just normal baggy.
Starting point is 00:57:33 And it was fine. It covered it no problem. And then when you bend down on one knee... She saw it. She knew where it was. Guess where you are. You're at your sock. Unless you're wearing MC Hammer pants.
Starting point is 00:57:42 Just regular pants. How big do you think this ring is? Did her ring smell a little bit? This ring is three feet wide. I'm not worried about the ring. I'm worried about the box. That sounds gigantic. The box is just normal ring box size.
Starting point is 00:57:59 What did we learn today? I learned that Andy doesn't know us as well as he thinks he does. That's fair. I learned that it takes approximately five seconds to drink 12 ounces of water. Yep, yep. Learned that lesson today as well. And I learned that Mike is a monster for feeding his kids
Starting point is 00:58:18 that he or a genius is a double heel monster or a genius. Oh, man. Alright, that'll do it for the Spitballers. For Al Borland and company, double bird sandwich. Oh, man. All right. That'll do it for the Spitballers. For Al Borland and company, farewell. Goodbye.
Starting point is 00:58:34 Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.

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