Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Permission To Sleep & The Worst Places For A Proposal - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

Spit Hit for April 25th, 2024: On this episode, we talk about creative excuses, self-control deficiencies, and “pre-eating”. We also share some news stories that seem too wild to be true. We end the episode on one knee as we draft the worst places for a proposal. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A blood out do-do, I do, I do, I do-do-do You got caught on repeat Wicky-wicky It's an I do-do joke, Jason Oh, is it? Okay Nothing like starting the show off with a good do-do joke Yeah, we started how we finished

Welcome into the Spitballers, episode 236. Al Borland in the building. The judge is here. And we're getting things going, Andy, Mike, and Jason. With you, would you rather is this real life? And we are drafting the worst places for a proposal. There's a lot of bad places out there, people. This is true.

It is very much an exercise of choosing the worst of the worst. There are lots of different opportunities, but I want to find the right- To disappoint people. To disappoint people. Yeah. I mean, I guess it depends on what you think makes a proposal bad. Yeah. Is it awkward?

Is it a gross place? We could disagree. I don't know. We'll find out soon enough. At SpitballersPod on Twitter or on Instagram as well. And the website, SpitballersPod.com. Let's get it going. Would you rather?

Dan from Patreon, would you rather it be socially acceptable to wear whatever you like at any and all times, or have I don't want to be an acceptable excuse to skip any one event per month with no strings attached? Okay. month with no strings attached okay so sometimes when we try to get out of things maybe we make uh we make more creative excuses than the truth which the truth sometimes is i don't want to yeah in fact uh the truth is almost always that i'm a little ashamed i'm a little ashamed about my response to one of my children the other day oh let's hear it because i didn't have the tact to be creative in my reply yeah and my daughter um my daughter really loves you know people like a good back rub she likes a good like foot rub like her feet sure rub who doesn't love a

good foot rub well just like but but like softly on the feet the soft tickle yeah the soft tickle yeah yeah yeah however we call those fairy tickle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. However. We call those fairy tickles in my house. Oh, okay. Continue. She really, really likes those. Do fairies tickle like with their wings?

I don't. They're very tiny. Yeah, no, like a little soft. They don't have a lot of pressure. Okay, they don't have the muscle to make it like a massage. In their world, they are massaging. They're doing as hard as they can, Mike. It's very soft.

So she loves that. However, as you might be aware, your feet are used for walking. That's just what they'll do. The feet are quite dirty. And so I most of the time oblige. And if I don't, sometimes I'll just say something like, oh, I'm tired. And like two days ago she's like will you rub my feet and she was watching we were sitting down to watch a tv show and i just said no and she goes

why not and i just said i don't want to yeah because good for you i don't think i've ever said exactly like that i normally just sugarcoat it a little bit to be nice and i just i just laid it out there i just said i don't want to i see nothing wrong with that that's welcome to real life yeah that's what i'll tell my kids and there was no reply she had no answer for it well yeah because at that point it's like right out of it why don't you want to and then you're like well i don't love you and then you know right right no that was option two but right but um but what i'm what I'm saying is it was a little bit freeing to just be honest and say, I don't want to. If the I don't want to excuse to skip an event was totally acceptable, and I think there are certain situations where it would be.

I know if I'm the receiver of that, if I've got an event and someone says, no, I really don't want to do that, I would be like, that's totally fine. But you don't know that. You don't know for sure if they will have their feelings hurt if you just say, I don't want to. But if you knew for sure that this was totally okay, they don't mind at all, man, that would be nice to just say, I don't want to go to that birthday party. What's worse?

Someone giving you the excuse of, I don't want to. Or someone saying, I'm too tired. Because they really are one and the same. Very, very often, the reason if you say, why don't you want to do that? Well, I just don't want to. Okay, well, why not? And if you really get down to it, because I'm old and I'm tired, what is worse?

The older you get, you do unlock some. It's the second layer of the truth. You unlock some secret excuses. Like when you're young and you say, oh, no, I'm too tired to go out at 8 o'clock. That doesn't make sense right but if you were older like you have kids you've got a job you could be tired so now i could just i can go a third layer and i could just say i'm overweight really tired and i don't want to that's your excuse that's the if we're getting real down to the truth i I'm too heavy.

Well, why are you too tired? Look at me. I carry around some extra weight. So actually, if I go a fourth layer deep here, you say, do you want to come to my party? I go, I eat too much. So no, because now I'm overweight, and now I'm tired, and I don't want to. If so, in fact, though, good night. And I don't go to sleep on time. So really, okay, let's go five layers. Why i don't want to go good night you're like and i don't go to sleep on time so really okay let's go five layers why why don't you want to do this because i have no self

control right yeah a little too honest yeah um that's which is why i'm able to say this right now because i have no self-control that person has now vanished and i'm just talking into a mirror i'm looking at myself going i can't do this because I have no self-control. The problem with the I don't want to excuse, it doesn't work often in a family or a marriage because it is a selfish reply. Yes. Yeah. And so if my wife says, which she often does, can you hang out and help me clean up the dishes after we eat? If I just turned and said, I don't want to and went and played on my phone.

Yeah, it would not work because she needs help. Absolutely. Now, if we were a team with the I don't want to response for another person inviting us to something stupid. team with the I don't want to response for another person inviting us to something stupid. Now Jason would get one weekend back every single month because his birthday schedule is overwhelming. It's every

Saturday. How many? There's 52 weeks in a year? Yeah. Well that is the minimum amount of birthday parties that I am supposed to attend. You're only getting 12 of those 52 back with that one. So is it better to be socially acceptable to wear whatever you want? Because let's take the inhibitions away.

Let's say you legitimately. I'm in my underwear then. Okay. Like that's like. Okay. Step one. Step one. I'm in my underwear.

If I'm at home alone, I'm in my underwear. Really? Oh, 100%. Really? The kids are gone. Tiff's gone. It's impossible. I walk inside clothed

and i will disrobe i will take it's not like i wake up in my underwear and i decide i'm just gonna chill and hang out that's just how comfortable you are i will come home i will take my shirt off i'll kick those shorts off winter yeah i mean inside the house is temperature controlled mike i live in a there's no i have ac and heat there's no way for me not to picture that situation as whitey tighties no oh come on man that's what it is that's not what it is that's what it is i have literally i don't think i've owned a pair of whitey tighties since if you maybe when i was three if that was the only underwear you could wear would you have the same policy with your clothing interesting no because if that was the only underwear you could wear, would you have the same policy with your clothing?

No, because if that was the only underwear I could wear, then I would no longer wear underwear. I would be free balling, and I'd be in real comfortable shorts. Okay, just like some basketball shorts? Yeah. So if it was socially acceptable for you, no shame, to come to work in your boxer shorts, which I'm assuming you wear. No, you wear the boxer briefs. i've got boxer briefs yeah yeah so if it was socially acceptable that is what you would do you would be in them right now no way no way because socially acceptable and being self-confident enough for something like that those are very not the same no not at all everyone

else can see me as fine. So do you go out in a bathing suit? Do you go out in a bed sheet then? What? He's fine in clothes. Yeah, I will just wear my clothes. If you could wear a muumuu, Jason. If it were socially acceptable for you to- Are we joking like that isn't more comfortable?

That would not be. I do not think that a bed sheet would be more comfortable. Just to let you know. Like a bigger shirt and loose... Mike, you are the king of the sweatpants. Yes. That's 100% a choice based on how they feel. Yes, because they move with...

But they're not big like parachute pants. They're a slim fit sweatpants. I'm going to tell you. This might surprise you, but I'm pretty comfortable right now. I mean, I know I'm wearing clothes, but I'm actually- Who wears a collared shirt and says they're comfortable? Oh, this material? Are you kidding me? This is soft and luxurious.

When you go to the pool or the beach, you're in a swimsuit. Socially acceptable for you to wear a suit. And I wear a suit and i am self-conscious okay all right okay so there you go and you wear a whitey tighty swimsuit of course yes i would never wear whitey tighty underwear but my swimsuits are in fact all whitey tighty why haven't we come out with that with what the speedo tidy speedo well like with all of the lines and everything just they just just draw them on. Yeah, they draw them on.

That's a funny Speedo, man. What would you do if you... It's so funny, the social norms of underwear versus... Even Speedo v. Speedo. One of them looks like a pair of... Oh, that's disgusting. No, no, look closely. The front is flush.

Not too closely. There's no seams on the front. It's totally okay. Oh, you're wearing a Speedo. You got me. Yeah. Good one. I am absolutely getting out of an event every single month.

To answer this question, I will skip one, and I will be so happy to do so. Yeah, I got to go with that one, too. Yes. There's not many places where you can. The worst is dressing up, but that's far and few between and you can just suck it up for every once in a while uh ben from the website you have the uh you have to live in alaska for three months every year beautiful would you rather have three months of 24 hour sunlight in the summer or 24 hour darkness in the winter um this is not a hard choice for me.

Not hard at all. Would you like to have a sleep mask on when you sleep, unfortunately, or hate your life and be depressed around the clock? You are just on vampire watch nonstop. I just can't see the benefits of the 24-hour darkness. No, no, no. Let me make the case for you. It'll be really easy to sleep at night without a sleep mask.

That's the entirety. They make out blackout curtains. I don't even need a sleep mask. But you don't need the blackout curtains either. So now you're saving money on curtains. I mean, there's a lot. Yeah. Those are pricey.

Honestly, blackout curtains are more than you think. Won't I need to buy light bulbs? Ooh, yeah. But you'll buy light bulbs either that's an interesting cost we gotta wait the cost analysis yeah blackout shades no one's gonna live i'm gonna need some uv lights what do the plants do up there during all this guy really i mean you're it's i mean like the trees the evergreens oh they just do winter they do winter all right let me hibernate let me change this question up a little bit. Three months every year in Alaska, but you are in the 24-hour,

never gets dark, always light in the summer, or two weeks a year in Alaska. So what you're getting back is your time. Or two weeks in darkness or three months in sunlight. Yes. Yeah, three months in sunlight. Alaska's cool. Yeah. Yeah, but you still sunlight. Alaska's cool. Yeah.

Yeah, but you still, I mean, you're away from, let's assume your family is moving with you, but you're away from extended family. Well, I mean, you're making it more like it's a sentence. Like, I've been sentenced to this. Yeah. And in that case, I guess if I'm trying to get back, I'm going to take the two weeks.

I'm going to get a nice long nap, or I don't know, up from down for three weeks aaron rogers style i don't know is it is it really like that in alaska at certain points i assume alaska has because yeah it is as soon as you go far enough north we have some family that's what happens the why would anyone live there then because it's beautiful not what it's you can't see it it's dark yeah i i don't i don't know how you you you're like, well, I'm going to stay here for this part. But I mean, once you're, once you live somewhere, it's like, why do we live in Arizona? That's a good point.

It's pretty miserable for like seven to eight months of the year. Living's just tough anywhere. Yeah. You just got to deal with, I mean, got to deal with something somewhere. But the, I, I did take a summer trip with the fam one time to Iceland, and we were there at a point where it was the sun doesn't go down, and it's very strange to be walking around. We're in Reykjavik, the main city.

It is midnight. We're walking around this city, and you're exhausted inside, but your body is so freaked out because the sun is up, but you're like, we're not supposed to be sleeping now. It's a level of tiredness that you've never experienced because it's not like the midday, oh, groggy, I need a nap. It's I think I'm supposed to go to sleep but i'm pretty sure i'm supposed to be awake yeah the world's not giving you permission around you to go to

sleep right and you're like there's still some people out is it good like is it cool or is it weird it's super weird but i mean there's aspects of it that are are cool and you just they have everyone seems to have blackout shades and you wear an eye mask and it's you get through it. I'm visiting I'm visiting Alaska here in the not too distant future for the first time in my life. So I'm I'm excited to see the sun. No, I'm sorry. It's the darkness

time. Oh, dang it. This is going to be a very different cruise than you're expecting. Okay, you got to take the light. Violet, who I almost thought their name was Violent, which is not as good of a name. Violet from Patreon. Violet, you're turning violent.

Redemption for the Chips Dip Slam Dunk last week. You're now eating a plate of cheese and crackers. That was a good question. Would you rather run out of cheese first or run out of crackers? Oh, there we go. What?

This is a legit question. Yeah, it is. And I'd rather run out of crackers. I'd rather run out of crackers. Eating cheese is awesome. Yeah, it's great. Now eating crackers without cheese is fine. But eating cheese is awesome.

It is absolutely. If you had to tell me, I'm going to a party, and they set out two platters, and one platter is crackers only, and one platter is cheese only. I'm going to the cheese side. Yeah, the cheese squares. So you might go there first, okay? You might say, oh. And in the middle, and last.

Not when you eat the quantities that I do. If I was to sit there and have a plate that is just one of these things, I will snack on crackers. What types of crackers? Wheat thins. That's more of a flavored cracker.

Ritz is a flavored cracker. Those are buttered. Ritz has a flavor. I think of wheat thins as more of a variant on a traditional cracker. What about a saltine? I could eat more wheat thins than cheese. So if we're talking saltine or cheese, then I want the cheese. Okay.

But if we're talking wheat thins or Ritz versus cheese, I could keep eating these crackers and have a blast. But yeah, you're going to put some Cheez-Its in there. It's a whole new ballgame. Cheez-Its is a cracker. Oh, man. The cheese is baked in. Oh, that's the answer.

Cheez-Its, you can eat. Cheez-Its, loophole. You talk about what I would do in Alaska for two weeks in the dark, I would eat Cheez-Its for two straight weeks. Guys, I can eat Cheez-Its forever. They don't stop. The Costco-sized Cheez-Its are a problem and should be outlawed because, again, no self-control. You've got to look in the mirror.

You've got to look in the mirror and say, stop buying these products. Because one of the things I have realized. This is your fault, Cheez-Its. The older that I've got. You go through the store and there's all these cool snacks and whatever. But one thing that I think is hard to remember in the moment, but you have to, is that when you purchase whatever you're purchasing that is a sweet, a snack, a junk food, a bag of chips, right?

You have to remember that when you buy that, you're going to eat it. Yes. The whole point is to eat the entirety of what you're purchasing. And so it's like, oh, I'm going to get all these snacks. Cool. You want to know what you're going to And so it's like, oh, I'm going to get all these snacks. Cool. You want to know what you're going to do? You're going to ingest them all. Well, but I do believe when I'm buying a cheese that's from Costco,

I'm saying this is for my family of five. Yeah, that's how it starts. That's the excuse. And then the TV goes on. That's how they get it in the house. Exactly. They're sneaking it in the door. Family size.

They say family size. And then you're just size. You ever shared a family size Reese's with the family? No. Family size. These, okay, candies. These. Shareables.

Like the peanut butter M&M's. Break me off a piece of that. No, I won't. Get out of my life. The family size of the shareable. I don't remember what they call it. The peanut butter M&M's. Break me off a piece of that. No, I won't. Get out of my life. The family size of the shareable, I don't remember what they call it, the peanut butter M&M's, that's my serving. American size. Yeah.

If I'm sitting down for a movie, I need that bag because your tiny little individual serving, or just the regular size bag, it's just... You know what? I'm going to be ripping so many open. It's so much trash. The real trick, and I hate it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to do this.

I'm not strategic with this. But the real trick is if you buy the individual portion bags that you would send with your kids to lunch or whatever, whether it's the Pringles little canisters or the individual Cheez-It bags. Yeah. If you buy those instead, you will be better at this because you will get one and you will be dissatisfied, but then you will have to make the mental decision to go get a second bag.

I've already made the decision before I leave the pantry though. Right. You leave with three bags. I'm leaving with multiple bags. Still makes you feel dumber. I will say this. There is more shame. And people can tell.

There's more shame. People can see three wrappers. Well, see, I do this solo time. So it's hidden. In underpants. It's hidden. Right. Exactly.

Not whitey tighties. In the dark pantry. But I can guarantee. I remember this was probably about two weeks ago where i did go grab a bag of chips and i did go grab three bags of chips i left on one trip with three of the school-sized bags i was like i'm gonna be hungry after one of them little bags yeah and in my defense and in my defense those bags are not big enough for my appetite. Wait. So, wait. That's the whole point.

Yeah. Yeah. That's. Appetite size. This is why. This is why I go back to. This is a heck of an episode. We need not buy it. Don't go hungry to the store.

The problem is the purchasing. Oh. You go hungry to the store. I want to try everything I see. Yeah. When you go to Costco, pro tip, go to the little cafe first. I know it's at the exit. Sneak in the exit.

Get yourself a hot dog or a sliced pizza. Here's your solution for not eating so much. A hot dog and a pizza. Yes. That's my kind of diet. Man, I am. Pre-eat. I am telling you this right now pre-game jason is pre-gaming for costco yeah by throwing down a dog um we've had a quite a bit of this was his real secret

trick yeah it's it's not working yet but sneak in the exit eat a hot dog and a pizza and then you won't buy as much yeah have you done the the roll the hot dog and a pizza and then you won't buy as much yeah have you done the the roll the hot dog in the pizza i have not done that because it is too public i you know i'm there's two things i can't do one is that in public and the other is last till i'm home with a costco pizza and hot dog i'm i'm housing those things right in the moment oh man it is so to peel back the curtain here we are I'm housing those things right in the moment. Oh, man. It is. So to peel back the curtain here,

we are recording right now at 9.53 in the morning. And when we finish this episode, I am eating something immediately. I'm going right to that kitchen and I'm making a meal. I'm going to Costco. You're going to get some phone calls from some interesting professionals after this episode of the show.

Also, if you can help me, please reach out. I need you. some phone calls from some interesting professionals after this episode of the show yeah also but i'm going if you can help me please reach out i need you uh assuming that the crackers are plain in any way i'm gonna go cheese if you start to mix in variants of crackers i'm going crackers i'm going to assume that i did not buy the world's worst most plain boring crackers and i will take the crackers like but they if you're having crackers in a cheese they're gonna dry it's gonna dry you out but i'm saying like it if you're having crackers in a cheese plate. It's going to dry you out. But I'm saying it's going to be boring crackers for a cheese plate. That's right.

That's how I was viewing it. The kinds of crackers you would put cheese on, which other than Jason, I've never been to a place where I've had cheese served with wheat thins. It's always cheese served with crackers. You guys are in on wheat thins? Oh, wheat thins are so good. They're just not crackers. That's all I'm saying. They're cookies.

They got a lot of sugar in them. This will be, I think, disliked here, especially based on our previous conversation. And don't hear what I'm not saying. Cheez-Its are amazing. Wheat thins, greater sign. What? Cheez-Its, absolutely. Without a doubt.

Wheat thins, greater sign, What? Cheez-Its. Absolutely. Without a doubt. Wheat Thins, greater sign, nothing. Not a big Wheat Thin fan. No, this is a man who has not had Wheat Thins recently. That's what it is. I've had Wheat Thins. Nah, I'm bringing it to you. To put them above Cheez-Its is kind of blasphemous. I've experienced everything I need to experience from Wheat Thins.

Also, regular Cheez-Its, not the super toasted that my wife keeps buying. You know, I prefer the super toasted. I just had super toasted the other day. I want a super toasted mixed in here and there. I don't want them constantly. It's like a brownie. I want both the edge and the inside. Where are you at with the white cheddar?

I'll eat those for days. I mean, the white cheddar is goaded. That probably is the best. Do they have like a party mix? Does Cheez-Its have anything else? So you go white cheddar, regular Cheez-It, and then toast it. Yeah, just put them all in one big bag. I'm in.

Cheez-Its, what are you doing? We're solving your problem. Do they make churro Cheez-Its? I don't know. I'm going to investigate this. Chur-Its? Cheez-It flavors. Yeah, I'm sure that they're doing work.

Jason's doing something over there. Oh, they do. They have a Duo's bag. They got spicy. Today's episode brought to you by Cheez-Its. I guess Cheez-Its is doing good things. I mean, yeah, but also Wheat Tins. No, no, no.

Get out of here. Get the tomato and basil. Oh, you're not talking basic? Basic is great. No. But tomato and basil. Oh, you're not talking basic? Basic is great. No. But tomato and basil is an upgrade. It's better. I don't know where you're coming from here.

Deucers, where are you guys at here on my Wheat Thins thing? We're both nodding back here with you. The Wheat Thins and specifically the tomato and basil Wheat Thins? Yes. Tomato and basil is great. Over Cheez-Its? No. No, that's too far.

Okay. We're nodding against you. Got it. again all right real quick uh kayla from twitter one more here before we move on would you rather read a good book written by a human or an excellent book written by chad gpt i don't know that you can real quick this answer because this is very philosophical i can tell you my answer easily well look uh when i read a book it depends on what kind of book i'm reading for me to answer this question what okay go on because uh part of art is the creativity behind it it's a human it's a person um i will appreciate a piece of music that is not auto-generated more than an auto-generated piece of music because I you know part of it is saying hey a computer didn't paint that painting a person

did they were they were thinking about it they were painting it uh with their imagination and creativity and therefore I appreciate it because it was created by a human hand I know you Chad GBD could paint a painting I don't appreciate that as much you grew up as a reader right you read a a lot of books i like to think i still like to read from time to time okay but i didn't retire well my my point in leading that way is like i was a reader and then i grew up no let me let me ask you no no i get it yeah who are your favorite authors uh yeah they're probably from their childhood exactly so my question was you ever heard of ariel stein have you ever met robert munch have you ever met one of the authors of books you

like did you go to a book signing let me think about that grisham or whoever you're i yeah i've met like one or two authors of small books that i like but not most of them no but not most of the main authors that you like okay so so how do you i mean my point is if you have not met them and you just know their name well it's very how do you know they're a person or what they've been through because they because i know that they're a person in it and then i can attach experience to it like if you tell me chat gpt writes an autobiographical book about the life of it it assumes the the position of i'm a world war ii survivor well that wouldn't be autobiographical then what do you mean it's because ai didn't experience it i'll just it could pretend to write matter it could pretend to write one sure you're getting

me on semantics of this yeah with chad gpt the pretend author my point there's no way i'm not taking the human if it's in that category. If it's fantasy, totally fine either way. Don't care. I think the issue, though, is because we're at the beginning of this, we don't know. We don't know in 10 years the difference between something created by a human and something created by the AI.

Are you going to start down the train of consciousness here? No, no. But I'm saying right now, there are certain times where you can tell that AI created something. Like we've read things and we're like, I think an AI made this. But pretty soon you're not going to know. Let me, this is my point. Let me give you the scenario. You sit down to read as an adult.

So I know we're making some leaps here. You sit down and you read a 200-page book with the most compelling autobiographical story of a World War II survivor. You get done. You're like, this is unbelievable. It's inspiring. I've read those books before, right?

Mm-hmm. And then you look at the back and it says, this was written by Beep Boop 127. Does it change your experience? Yes. Okay. Because I know it's not real. That's my only point. But it's not real, but it was claiming to be real.

Correct. And so you know it's not real at the end. And so if it's a fantasy story that's all made up anyways, I think I'm more forgiving. I get what you're saying, as in you don't want to just have the book be a liar and fake what it is. But any, I mean, any fictional book, and really not even just nonfiction, other than autobiographical, which obviously a chat GPg gpt could not do because they have not experienced it and they cannot write about themselves an autobiographical work would be very boring um i i uh you know the question says would you rather read a good book by

a human or an excellent book by ai same topic you're saying yeah and so i'm like okay sure i don't if you tell me that the name of this author is billy braski or willie shakespeare like it it makes no difference the the content of the book determines whether i like the book or not give me an excellent book over a good book so you so that doesn't land with you any of the comparison to like music so like if music is created right you said a song a good song's a good song if it is 100 computer generated mike said it we're at the beginning of chat gpt we'll be able to generate voices that are better than humans yeah we'll be able to generate music better than written by humans it can be completely made up i mean you've kind of already done that with music

because we auto-tune everything now. The singing you hear on a recording, like on your Apple Music, that's not a real person singing because it has been fixed. It has been corrected by a computer. Yeah, I mean, in the end i i think right now chat gbt and and ai they can't make music that's better than humans it's just not capable yet well they also can't really make

books better than 100 they cannot so they're just not better but the the question presupposes that now they can do it better and to me in the in the end, whatever is the, you know, if they can make better music that's catchier, that I like more, that I enjoy more, that hits me in the feels, I don't really care the author. Mike? Yeah. Artists about to lose your jobs. Yeah, I don't think so.

The robots are coming. I do. Yeah. All right. don't think so. The robots are coming. I do. Yeah. All right. We're moving on. This message is sponsored by Greenlight. As your kids get older, some things about parenting get easier.

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financially smart kids and families to navigate life together. Sign up for Greenlight today and get your first month free when you go to greenlight.com slash ballers. That's greenlight.com slash ballers to try Greenlight for free. Greenlight.com slash ballers. slash ballers. Is this real life? All right. We are into, is this real life where we share a true story made up by chat GPT?

No, not really. We share a true story from everyday life that with one another something from the news or the world around us and uh it'll it'll blow your mind what's going on out there in the in the universe i don't know if these stories will blow your mind but blow our minds uh it's just this is a it's a comical story you know the the the classic classic jail escape. So there was apparently two fellas. They were in a Virginia jail. And so it's like full Shawshank here where they were able to create a hole in a wall using tools that they had crafted. They found a weakness in the design of the wall.

in the design of the wall. They made tools from a toothbrush, a metal object to access, like using rebar and things like that. So, I mean, they got it done. And this had to have taken quite a while. So these two fellers escape. Yeah, good work. And they leave the state,

as I would expect you do. And then they risked it all and got caught at an IHOP. That was their freedom story? Where do you want to go? That's what they missed? I don't know. The Mickey Mouse pancakes?

It doesn't necessarily say how long they were out, but they escaped digging this hole, and then the authorities, know we had the i guess the pictures were up or whatever and they got they got caught at the international house of pancakes look look i think if you break out of jail it's a good place to hide out you i think you should just hold off maybe maybe don't go to the IHOP. Maybe DoorDash. Or, yeah, if you really need IHOP, just have a delivery.

They probably don't know about DoorDash, Mike. They might have been in jail for a while. That's true. But this story is so funny to me. I've imagined Andy Dufresne. He gets out. He's like, oh, what are you going to do? Against the pancakes.

I mean, one thing. In public. There was a time as a child. Put a mustache on or something. That I thought IHOP was like an elite fine restaurant. Oh, for sure. It's the international house of pancakes. They, for a while, you know my love for a club sandwich.

For a long time, they had a cheeseburger club sandwich. So, replaced the turkey with a burger. It was fantastic. I've never seen it again. They stupidly removed it from their menu because it was amazing. And I would request that my family go to IHOP because I wanted to eat this this sandwich but it's gone and now I've no longer go to IHOP yeah yeah I mean it's um it's not the number one on my list of just broken out places Jason what do you got never find us here

yeah all right this one cracks me up because we have experienced real issues in Arizona with heat, with workers that go up in attics. Oh, yeah. Go to crawl spaces. It's very dangerous. Work on the roof. And unfortunately, the heat gets to them and they can pass away. Don't tell me that. Firefighters discover missing plumber asleep in crawl space under california home

so in this story wait the the the man had been missing for hours and had not come back to the point where the people called the firefighters out, I presume assuming they thought he might have died. And he was just asleep? Just asleep in the crawl space on the job. How long is that nap? And are they charging by the hour? Because if this is an hourly labor cost. This poor guy was tired.

They don't know what I'm doing down here. I'm going to take a nap. I mean, i was down there for hours working on this problem it's probably just like something he brought some flex seal down there and just slapped it on us like sir you look really refreshed in in the face for working on a job for four hours that's pretty funny yeah i mean could you imagine being the firefighters right you you think you know what you're coming into. You think you're coming into a medical emergency. And the smell's probably not much different.

Right, yeah. There's a plumber in a crawl space. It's not going to be fresh. It's not going to be fresh. You get down there, and then you see the body. And then you go and you... Oh, boy. Steve's dead.

Here we go again. Pull on that leg, and then he goes, Oh, who woke me up from my slumber? Who disturbs my slumber? So, yeah, that happened in California. Okay. All right. My story comes from Florida.

I think it's a bit of ingenuity that I want to share with you because, look, there's a Florida man, and he was very fed up with the government pretty much. I mean, there's a private road. It's got poor conditions. And look, the potholes. I mean, we don't deal with potholes like other places because we don't get as much rain out here in Arizona. But we've seen them. They're out there.

Oh, yeah. And they're awful. And in some places, they're really bad. They'll wreck your car. And they kept coming back. And no one will fix the potholes. So he decided to do something ingenious. and no one will fix the pothole so he decided to do something ingenious he's gonna fix the pothole himself no he's gonna plant a banana tree inside the pothole

and so he planted a banana tree to help people avoid where the pothole is smart so now you don't drive into a tree instead it's now attention grabbing and says hey i need to be repaired i'm a banana tree well now you could drive into a tree you couldn't before i guess that's true but hopefully you see it and move around the pothole now Now, it's sending a nice message. Do we have an update how this concluded? Are the bananas good? The potassium levels of this local municipality have gone up tremendously. Cramps at an all-time low.

Cramps at an all-time low. No, no update. I don't know if this tree got pulled and they fixed things, but I like this idea of getting the attention of the government there. So let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. I am excited about this one.

We are drafting the worst places for a proposal. I had to tell my kids. I told them what we were going to do for the draft last night because we knew this one going in. And I had to tell them. They asked where I proposed, which was actually at a park. But it was only at a park because I chickened out at my first destination. Oh, really? Yep.

Had the ring in my pocket for a good old afternoon. We had gone up to Prescott out in the woods. And I was like, oh, I'm going to propose out here. Instead, I just kind of acted awkward for about four hours. Drove home with the ring in my pocket. Picked a different day. And there you go. I'm going to propose out here. Instead, I just kind of acted awkward for about four hours, drove home with the ring in my pocket, picked a different day, and there you go. I don't know where did you guys propose?

Real quick. So I proposed in my house, but with a surprise party. My wife was throwing me a surprise birthday party that I found out about. You UNO carded. Reverse. Yeah, I about. You UNO carded. Reverse. Yeah, I threw down the UNO card. So while she came to pick me up from my work, my job that I did not work at that day, she dropped me off there in the morning.

That day. She came to pick me up later that afternoon while she left the house after decorating and getting everything ready for my party. All the other people that were not even invited to my birthday party, which they found out about that, came in, redecorated everything for an engagement party. That's pretty clever. And then when we came back home,

she was really upset when we opened the door because they didn't yell surprise at the birthday. She was like, why aren't they? Guys, why aren't you? And then she realized I was down on my knee. What did she say? Yeah, what was the? Yeah, she said yes.

Okay, nice. It was a good time. What about you, Mike? Maui Beach. Oh, okay. Maybe that's it. You got the one-on-one. You can pick that right now.

All right, Mike. You have the first. But we're doing worst places. Oh, I mean, so overdone. Yeah, riptides. Mike, you have the first pick in this draft. Go for it. All right.

I imagine in this scenario you think there's no finer way for me to celebrate the life of my grandfather who has recently passed. Yeah, that's the one. I will give my eulogy and i will now propose at the funeral oh yeah true celebration of life i had that as my one-on-one we must continue we must move on i went with grandmother's funeral though so you know you want grandpa yeah well that is the worst place to propose i mean it's just you could pretend to justify it because all your family's there. Let's spice this up. So that was his final wish. That's a great one.

That's on my list. It's not my one-on-one, though. So I'm very happy that my one-on-one came back because I do think in that moment, you can spin that. You can really make that a good moment in a bad situation. There's a little spin to it. A little spin. I want to see how you spin this because I'm proposing

on the toilet. Yes. Make it real special. Just to be clear, you're on the toilet. I'm on the toilet. And that's where I am making my proposal. Honey! Get in here! Get in here! I got something to show you.

You gotta see this. Oh, I'm just going to be so surprised that it's not a turd. Well, there's still going to be a turd, but it's also a ring. So real special. And the truth is, we've got a trump card story of an engagement plan now. Wow. Yeah, on a toilet, not the best. I get two picks in a row that is correct yep well

i i'm gonna go my new 101 since uh mike mike took it the new uh 101 for me is a slaughterhouse oh that's a good one not on my list yeah a little i know i probably could have saved that for my last pick but i could have i feel like i want to give it the 101 power yeah uh for my team a slaughterhouse with hanging hanging meat around and uh a meat processing type of plant it's not it can't smell good there um getting down on one knee you're coming up and there's there's some red on that knee uh so am going to go with inside a crowded elevator oh inside an elevator there's now a time limit yes i'm being able to get this thing done you're totally gonna miss your floor there's there's strangers everywhere it's congested it's congested um i'm gonna go crowded i like like it. Okay.

It's unique. I hadn't thought of that, but that would be pretty bad. Not a good time. It's not making a good memory. No, not quite as good as your slaughterhouse with dead carcasses all around you. Yeah, romantic. Very romantic. She loves beef.

All right. I am on the clock. Is that right? Is it back to me? Yes. Okay. I'm going to go. um all right i am on the clock is that right is it back to me yes okay i'm gonna go look this is a place that we all go um and when i say we all i mean everybody listening and us we're all presumptuous it's it's presumptuous and it's correct everyone has been there you don't enjoy going there and

some of the people that go there have websites made about them but you don't want to propose there because it's on my list walmart is not the place to propose it's on my list and you know people do it i'm pretty sad because it's on my list too and i thought that was going to be a layup for later but yeah people of walmart.com that's it's really just it's the story it's it's when they say when i introduced this segment said, where did you guys get proposed? Or where did you propose? If you have to answer- Walmart.

There is no spin. No. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm trying to find the angle. There isn't one. All right. So now I get two picks. So we've got the funeral.

That's not going to be a good time. No. I will say I'm going to start it off with this was a late addition to the list, sort of similar to Andy's slaughterhouse, but I will say the dump. Yeah, landfill's on the list. Nice. Yeah, you got it. Okay.

Yeah, it's going to be unpleasant. It's going to be loud. It Yeah, you got it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be unpleasant. It's going to be loud. It's going to be real smelly. Yeah. And it's called the dump. Yeah, I mean, Mike. When you're trying to commit your life forever to someone at a place that is synonymous with not being together anymore.

No, you dump somebody. Oh, yeah. You can't get engaged at a place where you can dump someone at the dump. See, Jason's place had a dump, too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's true.

Very nice. So, Mike, you got a third pick here. All right, I'm going to go. At a funeral, at a dump. I imagine this is done, but it sounds super tacky to me, and I will say divorce courts. Yeah. Out with the old, in with the new.

I'm free, baby. How about you? You want to get married? On the way out of divorce court? Okay. All right. I like that. I didn't have it on my list, but I thought about having it on my list.

It's a real nice marriage here of the pick and the place. We built this relationship on a real, real strong bed of trust. Right, right, yeah. And you could spin it. I wanted to be with you from the moment I was single. As soon as you went dump, Mike, I realized what I was going to take because you went where all of our trash goes. Yes.

And I've already started on the toilet. But I'm going where all of our toilet goes. We're going to the sewers, baby. Let's go down below. I don't care how big a fan of the Ninja Turtles you are. You do not want a proposal in the sewers. They really glamorized the sewers. They did. They took the poopized the sewers. They did.

They took the poop right out of it. It was just clean water down there. Oh, they had a great place. I wanted to live in the sewers. They had a great place. It looked clean. They're down there just scarfing down pizza like it's nothing. And they're riding those little powered surfboards down there on the sewer water.

You want to know what I never, ever saw down there? Poop. No. No, which is really what makes a good sewer. Yeah. Okay. Is it back to me? It is.

Well, this is tough because I have so many picks I would like to make. I'm going to keep it simple. We got the slaughterhouse. We got the crowded elevator. We're going with the pawn shop. Oh, very nice. Where I may or may not have purchased the ring moments ago. Oh, yeah.

That makes sense. In the pawn shop. Honey, I know you respect the fact that I get good discounts. I get good discounts. And they're always in nice parts of town, the pawn shops. And then I'm going to go with the DMV. Oh, no. It's on my list. This is my pick. It's on my list. I'm go with the DMV. Oh, no. It's on my list.

This is my pick. It's on my list. I'm going with the DMV. Take a number and take my hand, baby. Oh, man. That was going to be my pick. Well, good. You stole my Walmart.

I'm going to take your DMV. What is the reaction in the DMV? Because usually when you're out in public, you happen to catch something. There's usually not a smattering of applause. Like, hey, love. None of the employees are happy with you. Just get some groans. They probably get hurry up.

Number 35. All right. All right. Well, that's what I wanted. I'm going to have to pivot here unexpectedly. Look, this is a place where I'm sure this happens and sometimes it has to happen. But it's not where I want it to happen in my life

because it means some things are not going well. I'm going to go to prison. There's really no winning in that situation. It's either me or them or both. I mean, it's a bad time. I don't want my proposal in a prison.

That's fair. That's fair. Now, is this between the glass, like one in, one out? Or is it just... Well, yeah, I mean... It could go any way. Yeah, we'll say we've got a room. Okay, all right.

Mike, you got a final selection here for the worst places for a proposal draft so when you are doing the the the marriage proposal it's like in life we've we have discovered a lot of things can be done you know like we need some things done in person but a lot of things like these work from home things we've done we figured out we could do virtual so i my last place the worst place for you to do a marriage proposal would be the internet. I love that pick. Because get it together. Are we talking Zoom or text?

Just the internet. I'm like, we are not together, but I'm going to shoot you a quick text. What do you think? Want to get married? I would hope that every long distance relationships, of which there are many, and I hope they thrive and succeed and get married. But I hope that the proposal did not come over- Yeah.

At that point, this is kind of a moment. Maybe- Yeah, get there. They have these planes now where you could travel if they're far away. They got motorized vehicles. Well, that rounds out the draft i had a several others that i want to throw out there because i want to get your reaction to them okay and whether you think i made a mistake maybe i should have gone some of these directions um i did go with one that i thought could get picked which

was at a buffet i i have golden corral on my list okay okay uh but uh another option here was during another wedding yes that is on my list and don't do it that's a jerk move that is straight up look at me it steals the uh thunder look at me i need your attention it's not your day while she's giving birth was on my list oh okay we should get married it seems like a bad time when uh a porta potty was on the list toilets are everywhere went toilet uh also in the middle of a movie theater during a movie which i think would be like would you be upset you're tracking the plot yes i mean i would be furious i don't think i would be upset as.

Oh, I'd be so mad. If it was real. You could barely hear. I'd be like, oh my gosh, how crazy. You guys can't believe. We went to see John Wick and it was someone got married. I'd be so furious. And then you have to deal with like as the proposer. Know that everyone around you is furious.

And now you have to sit back down and watch the movie. You don't even get to talk about it. Thanks for saying yes. The last one was just in the car on a freeway when she's driving. Oh. It just doesn't seem like the best spot. I had two that were on my list that were a little bit different. They were more experience-based.

One was the getaway car. Okay. Because you don't really want to take it's kind of romantic i mean you're kind of at a time rush you know what i mean like let's yeah let's get going and you're doing you're doing something fun together hey you left and the other was um on a plane going down you got no time left and it's uh will you marry me yes but you don't get to. Only if there's a priest on that plane can you get it done. All right. Where are you guys on the Jumbotron proposals?

You better be sure. I don't mind the Jumbotron proposal if it's a formality situation where you know that they're going to see us. It's locked in. You've been talking about it. In that case, think for super sports fans it's actually a cool badge of honor it's like you know two sons fans and they're like i did it you know we got married at the suns or we got proposed at the suns game you're 100 right but you better know because you gotta know if you make 20 000 people that's witness your destruction of rejection not your destruction like you get

the rejections the other person yeah the other person is like they don't want to be put in a position fake yeses that happen on the yeah and then on the ride home yeah someone's super jazzed because like yeah i got engaged like we need to talk i feel like jason's proposal was one that you had to know that's why mine was asked. Mine was 100% formality. It was a lot. There was no way she could have said no to me. Because I had a bunch of people and it would have been real embarrassing. If you switch your birthday party to a proposal party and you get a no, that's a problem.

Everyone go home. What did we learn today? I learned where you two got engaged. Yeah, that's true. Maui, very impressive, Mike. I learned that if you put a drawing of whitey tighty lines on Speedos, they become highly inappropriate. I learned that Cheez-Its, they're doing great work. Like the things we've thought of, they're already doing it.

Smart people over there at Cheez-It Company. How much cheese in a Cheez-It is the real question? Not enough! Hey, tell your friends about the podcast. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.