Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Pickle Pals & The Most Patronizing Nicknames - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

Spit Hit for August 31st, 2023: Listen up Junior - you don’t want to miss today’s episode. We talk about sleeping in dirty ball pits, our favorite sport, classic cars, and slime enemas. We polish it off with a draft of the most patronizing nicknames. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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That's harrys.com slash ballers. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I don't know why, but it made me smile. You went hard with the BL. You see what happened. The music, the riff, descends.

The scat ascended, creating an X. A black. Creating musical majesticness. Masterpiece-ness. Spitballers, episode 186, welcome in. Don't explain it. Don't explain it next time. Uh, would you rather? That's a great question. I had to explain it to the musical plebs. Listen, sport chief, just calm it on down. This, this, how does that make you feel? This is even better. Like the, big fella. The genesis of this draft,

we got it exactly where it needed to be. I'm really excited for it now. This is one of the best drafts we're ever having. I genuinely believe that. You think so, bud? Yeah. I do. We are drafting patronizing nicknames.

There are so many of them, and I can't wait. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. You can follow Jason at JasonFFL, Mike at FFHitman. I'm at Andy Holloway. The website, SpitballersPod.com. You can support us over there, or you could support us. This is the number one way to support us. Tell somebody that you know about the show.

And what we call this is you don't hoard happiness. This is one of the things about the show that we're about happiness we we've rebranded monday we make you smile please do not hoard it share it with others it costs you nothing to share and you don't lose any happiness that we provide it's abundant we have given you an enormous gift here and we want you to be able to give others the same gift well see you know how it works jason tell me if you tell two friends and they tell two friends there you go yeah like a like kind of a pyramid structure to the success of the show i want that pyramid money yeah that pyramid scheme money oh my gosh but yeah when you give a little joy away you still are at a hundred of a hundred you only get what you give mike is a cliche machine all right let's

jump into would you rather would you rather all From Patreon, this question comes in from Alan. Says, as an adult, would you rather always sleep in a ball pit or, during the pods too, or enjoy all of your meals from a bottle or a puree from a jar? Nope. Nope. I'm not letting the beep go jar? Nope. I'm not letting the beep go. I'm not letting the beep go. Ladies and gentlemen, we will peel back the curtain. If you heard the beep, I'm not sure if it went through or not, but

Jason's computer was unmuted. Made a beep sound like he got an email or something. Before we record, we have multiple people, our producers, our incredible team their primary responsibility they remind us at least three times before we hit record they say uh reminder number one put your computer on mute wait a minute if this is their primary responsibility it's not their primary it's just one of them but it it's one of them. They have failed.

You guys, the producers, I want you to know this. You guys failed today. You didn't do your job. Andy, was your computer muted? It was not. Oh, yes! I muted it immediately after his sound. When I heard

his computer do it, I checked mine. It was not muted. Whenever it beeps, all three of us panic. My computer was muted. Thank you, Mike. We do say that if that happens... I will be physically muting your computers every show. Good. That's what you need to do, man. Step up your game. We say that you get

slimed, like on Nickelodeon. And if we could build that in, maybe the incentive to listen would be better. That would be awesome. If we actually built in a slime machine and the producers could slime us, I am willing to do that. Spare no expense. The problem is the equipment probably has to get replaced after you do it. Spare no expense, Mike.

Maybe it slimes from below. Oh, uh-oh. All right. Slime enema? Oh! All right, we'll workshop that. I am wearing pants. Would you?

Where we're going, we don't need pants. As an adult, would you rather always sleep in a ball pit or enjoy all of your meals from a bottle or as a puree in a jar? I will say this. The number one deterrent to me when I think of a ball pit being a bad place to sleep is dirtiness. So if it's a clean ball pit, I would be more, I'd be willing to give it a shot. But that is impossible. It is impossible to have a clean ball pit because you, I mean, the only way to do so would be to have new spheres in that area. No, they can be, if it's your ball pit, and it's never had any other people in it,

then they're as clean as, that's what I'm saying. Like, it's yours. You go and sleep in that ball pit every night. But you're saying you don't get dirty. Do you not wash your sheets? I'm not as concerned about my dirt as somebody else's dirt in the ball pit. I'm far more concerned about Jason's dirty ball pit than my own.

Yeah, I guess my dirty ball pit would be a problem for you guys. No, I don't want to be in your ball pit. No, I don't blame you for not wanting to be in my ball pit. I think my ball pit would be a place I would be afraid to sleep. Sure. Yeah, I agree. And it's hard to clean any. I don't even know how to detox a ball pit.

It's very hard. Yeah. Cleaning a ball pit. Oh, man. How long can it run? We are children. But is the question. Always sleep in a ball pit or enjoy your meals from a bottle or as a puree in a jar.

I wish you would have just left it as one of the other. Okay, so like you sleep? You always sleep in a ball pit. Or you're drinking your meals. Or it's a smoothie. I'm going to sleep in the ball pit. Yeah, you have to. I'll get used to it.

Yeah, you can't. It literally has. And I'll have somebody else clean my ball pit how deep i'll hire somebody the ball pit is three feet deep you will be on the bottom by the end of the that's what i mean like you'll be on the bottom from the beginning you can't lay on a ball how denser is the ball you can you could definitely lay on it in a way that for real yeah i bet i mean maybe not no maybe not me. No. I wasn't going to say that.

I would be terrified. Is it like water? Does a certain part of your body float more than? No, I just think that you move during your sleep is what I'm saying. So you'd start on top of the ball pit, and then you'd slowly sink into the ball pit. So I can lay on a genuine question. I can right now lay on a full ball pit and stay on top. Yes. I bet you could.

Here's the real question. If the ball pit had infinite depth, there's no bottom to the ball pit, which one of us would end up lowest at the end of the night? Me. Oh. Do you toss and turn the most? Like crazy, yeah. Really? Yep. bottom to the ball pit which one of us would end up lowest at the end of the night me oh do you toss and turn the most like crazy yeah really yep you you should get checked that checked out you just described the most horrific nightmare i have ever heard an infinite but like if you're stuck in a ball pit for eternity a 300 foot deep a 300-foot deep ball pit, that is... You can't go up.

You can't go up. You can't swim out of a ball pit. Maybe you can. No, that's impossible. Really? That would be the most terrifying and frustrating thing of all time. You'd be trying to develop some system with your body to try to inch your way up, but then you'd fail.

What a nightmare. What a nightmare. So that would be like quicksand, but you could breathe well. Yeah. You die of starvation in the quicksand. Oh, my gosh. And could you eat your way out? It's going to be bad breathing.

They're plastic balls. Why am I eating my way out of plastic? I'm choosing the sleeping in the ball pit final answer. Yeah, I think so. I'll take my dirty ball pit. Smoothies aren't bad for everything though i mean do you ever get to sleep i think i would opt into sleeping in a ball pit at least once without this question like if i had a clean ball pit i would opt into sleeping in that clean ball pit at least one time now there's a reason people

like ball pits. Because they're fun to play in. Yeah, to jump in. But if you remember being a kid, sometimes you just chill in the ball pit. It's like a, what's the? I have no idea where you're going or I would help you. Like a pool? No.

This is a good story, Andy. It's something kids play on? It's something kids play on. Yeah, something kids play on. Let's go with that, Mike. A playground? Yes, a playground. Trampoline? A trampoline.

No, like in the room, in the corner. There's a bed. It's like a bean bag, baby. Oh, a bean bag. Yeah, it's like a bean bag. You just lay out on it. Hold on. Let's rewind.

But a bean bag, nothing is over your face. If you put fabric over a ball pit, it's a beanbag. Wait, so real quick. But those are very different things. If you throw a blanket, look, you're sleeping on it. You throw a blanket over it, it's basically a beanbag. When you couldn't think of a beanbag's name, you thought the thing children play on is the best descriptor.

It was 20 questions. That was the beginning. I mean. You could have gone with like sit on. Yes. I was so far from remembering the word beanbag, guys. You don't know how far away I was. I mean, your dirty beanbag is

something that I would not want to sit on. No. Each person has their own beanbag. He wouldn't want that either. And you sleep on your own beanbag, not someone else's. Next question. Luke from the website would you rather give up pickleball or foosball for the rest of your life we play both pickleball and foosball if you don't know what pickleball is it's kind of like um a cross between tennis ping pong

racquetball you play with a wiffle ball out on a court it's closest to tennis it's like a tennis sized court a little smaller it's a lot smaller sure but it's funny because i think it's also very close to like badminton in the way that you have a lightweight weight handle and a you know you not a lot of speed yeah i would i would agree with that um so it's more of an exercise you're not getting exercise when you play foosball if you're not uh familiar with what foosball is. It's the little soccer guys on a table. If I had to give one

up, I would give up foosball. Because I get more physical benefits from pickleball. It's far more accessible. Like foosball, at least one game of foosball will happen in this office every single day. But pickleball is so much more fun and rewarding,

not just in the game you play, but there's also an exercise aspect of it. So I would definitely trade away foosball. And, I mean, people ask, like, well, okay, what are your long-term plans? What's next for the podcast? And the honest truth is the podcast keeps going, and then I become a professional pickleball player. In the senior circuit. Yeah, so I'm not giving up those dreams, not yet.

No, I think that's the direction for all three of us. Professional pickleball players? Yes. If we could progress, we're pretty good, but we're not there yet. Because it's a game of doubles, but can we just be like a team of three? Oh, man. Call ourselves the Pickle Pals? No one would get a ball

past us. I would, without a doubt, give up foosball. Yeah, I did it. I went with it. Mike, we all agree. Pickle Pals stands. Yes, I'm going to, because in the next stage of my life,

I will be a professional athlete. Which is what we're calling pickleball players. Yes. Absolutely they are. Real quick. But foosball players are not. No. That gets into the question of like our professional.

What's an athlete? Like our professional eSports players, athletes. No, they're not. No. Why? No way. Why? Because it doesn't take athleticism.

Okay, so. If you don't have. What is. Okay, so is a race car driver an athlete? No, a race car driver's not an athlete. What about an archer? They're not an athlete. Wow.

Okay. Well, the Olympics beg to differ. Yeah. The worldwide. A worldwide curler, a gold medalist curler, they might be an athlete. They might be an athlete, but they're not an athlete because of curling. Wow. Okay.

I think you have too tight of a definition of an athlete. So define athlete. Yes, 60 seconds. Athlete is the act of using strenuous activity with your body physically. That is what is required to be an athlete. How do you spell athlete? This is not a highway to spell. You cannot be an athlete and not sweat. Okay, so a race car driver.

You'll sweat they will a race car driver when that when the event is done that is so it was is incredibly mentally taxing and physically taxing upon your body and you are absolutely doused in sweat when you're done you have a stronger argument there because it does take some physical exertion a lot uh yeah yeah i mean well you're wearing like a fire suit. I feel like if you went to bed in their gear, you'd wake up super soaked in sweat. But yeah, I'm going to be hard here.

I think that you need to actually have physical exertion to be considered an athlete in that event. Okay, so in a foosball you're actually like you are physically exerting yourself look i could injure myself yes foosball but no i'm not an athlete playing foosball let's move on okay becca from the website would you rather be misted randomly with cool water on a hot day or randomly receive cups of hot chocolate on a cold day? Now, I am going to preface the answer. You can't judge this based on Arizona proportions because in Arizona, we'd all choose the cool water mix because eight, nine months of the year, you need that.

You pretty much never need a cup of hot coffee or hot cocoa. But let's say it's 50-50. Half the year, the cold that you know. Half the year, the hot that you know. Which one do you find to be more comforting? Because I have my answer, but I'm going to wait. Yeah, I mean, I hate heat more. And maybe that is because we live in Arizona and I'm used to my heart full of hatred uh towards heat maybe it's

because I'm overweight and I sweat and um I just hate the heat uh that being said randomly being sprayed with water is not always a positive like I don't like when I'm hot my solution isn't usually to spray myself with water that's not just like a a delightful thing sometimes it is do you think being handed is it better if i said you were handed a cup of ice cold water would that be at any moment yes i think that's more refreshing that would be more refreshing to me like a ice cold water versus spraying me with water where am i getting sprayed is this in the face is this on my neck it's a spritz though it's it's a delightful refreshing spritz if things are too hot you can't always fix that if things are

too cold you can practically fix it most of the time you can wear more clothing you can wear hand warmers you can wear something over so it's less avoidable but i I'm going to go with the hot chocolate because when I've been very cold, I have found that to be spectacular. The nice thing about that, and I think I lean your way as well, is that it's delicious. That's true. It has chocolate in it. Hot chocolate is... What if I say this is just the Swiss Miss powder?

Oh, get that crap out. No, the Swiss miss is not hot chocolate that's hot water ice cold yoohoo on a hot summer on a hot summer's day this is swiss miss hot chocolate versus a ice cold yoohoo on a hot day i am taking the yoohoo on a hot day can you hundred out of a hundred can you microwave a yoohoo and is like is that a oh yeah is that a good hot chocolate probably i'll bet that's closer to swiss miss yeah it is because that's like chocolate water here's the question can you be the first athlete pickleball who promotes ice cold yoo-hoo as your hydration if anyone if anyone was the man for the job, guilty as charged.

I just won another world championship. I want to have it in a spray Gatorade bottle, but with the Y on it. And then I'm dousing myself down. I mean, it's just chocolate water. You have the ball boy is spraying the Yoo-Hoo in your mouth. There's no way Yoo-Hoo is stickier than Gatorade would be. People have frowned upon pouring Yoo-Hoo on people for years, but Gatorade's the same.

Yeah, people... Is Gatorade that sticky? Gatorade's plenty sticky. Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, they have a bad time after they win the championship. Yeah, you need a full shower. Yeah.

Okay, final answer, I'll take the Yoo-Hoo. All right. I'm taking the delightful mist of pool shower. Yeah. Okay, final answer. I'll take the Yoo-Hoo. I'm taking the delightful mist. You like a good mist? Oh, it is spectacular. You know what? You had some misters installed in your backyard. I did. Are you still very pro-mister since that decision?

You have no idea. I need to know the maintenance, Mike. How much have you had to maintain them? Well, I've had to turn it off when it's on, and I don't want it on anymore. That's it? Yeah. They don't clog up? No, not these ones.

Mike also used to show up to Pickleball in the summers with a handheld mister. You're a big mister. He would mist himself down between games. And who else would I mist? He misted me. And how delightful was it? It was nice. So you're Mr. Mister.

Yes. Okay. Mr. Mister Wright. I also like mr mr i'm mr misty from dairy queen okay we've we got there we got there brooks is here in the background he's having a good time it's a special episode do we need to go to the next segment al or do you want us to hang around? Let's move on. We're done. The show is done. Got to get back under control. Not bloody likely. Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Nutrafol. You don't have to choose between better hair growth and your health. Nutrafol provides a whole body health approach for men that promotes healthier hair,

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That's a great question. David from the website has a great question. Saw this on Twitter, he says, and it's been driving him nuts. Uh-oh. Needs a definite answer from the experts. Mm-hmm. Are there more doors or wheels in the world? This includes cabinet doors, wheels on toys.

So this has been driving you nuts, David? I get that. Because that's hard. More doors or wheels in the world. Okay, so every building you're in has, like right now where we are. If you had said a wheel, I would have just. I mean, we've got, you know, how many doors here? Six, seven doors across.

And I don't think there is a single wheel in this building. What are you talking about? Our chairs have wheels. There's so many more wheels than doors. Oh, my gosh. Every chair has like five wheels. And sometimes they're double-sided. That's 12.

This answer is so easy. Well, cabinet doors, though. Yeah, we got cabinets, too. Oh wheels car doors car wheels i mean wherever they're this is jason is sitting on a chair right now that can move around because it's on wheels you are sitting on top of wheels. I am sitting on wheels. I don't think there's any wheels in here. There are so many. If we counted the wheels in this place. It would far outnumber the doors. I mean, there's a hundred wheels in our studio here.

That's true. That's true. There are definitely more wheels than doors because if you think about all the toys in the world, there's not a lot of doors on toys. Every toy has a wheel. Every toy has a wheel? That doesn't make any sense. That's a very bold statement. There are more doors on toy houses, dream houses, things like that than there are wheels.

Like toy houses, dream houses, things like that. Then there are wheels. Yeah, but the toy house comes with the Barbie convertible. Tire swing? Beanbag. Tire swing. I was going to say, well, okay, for every car, now you have four wheels or more, but you also have at least two doors. It's wheels.

Yeah, it's got to be wheels. It's not even close. How, Mueller wants to know, Mueller, how old does a car have to be to be considered a classic? Okay. This has to have like an actual real answer because your car has to be a certain age to get that, the historic. So the historic. The license plate. That's different than classic. We're get the historic. So the historic. The license plate. That's different than classic. We're not talking historic.

Oh, okay. Historic is like a whole different class. It's a classic car. Like, if they're having a classic car convention, how old is your car to be to have to roll it in? Okay. Now, is it an age or is it the year? And I know those sound like the same thing. But it's like there are certain vehicles that

you know oh it's the you mean the where the 1992 mustang was like a classic but that's maybe not universal to all vehicles where okay that was 30 years so then all cars over 30s does a classic have to be well sold to be a classic if it's a bad model that didn't sell a lot but is old, that doesn't make it a classic. I think that's what Jason's kind of talking about is there's years of a Mustang that are sought after. And then there's some years of a Mustang that people just don't care about. Yeah, not everything's classic. A lot of things suck. You do have to have an age is 100% an element.

Yes. You can't have a classic from last year. Correct. so then is it 10 years no it's got to be longer than that i'm thinking 30 30 years i'm thinking 30 so yeah because nothing like right now it's 2022 and we're recording this so a 2002 mustang is not a class no what about 92 mustang that could be a class yeah it's 30 years 30 years but what about a 92 Mustang? That could be a classic. Yeah, it's 30 years. But what about a 93 Mustang? No, that's 29 years. Okay.

That's like yesterday. I think 30 years, but it also has to have been a very successful sought-after product or vehicle. If it sucks, it can't ever be classic. More than 30? Yeah. 30 doesn't seem old enough for me for something to be classic. 30 doesn't seem old enough for me for something to be classic. It's weird because for us, the classic cars still seem like 50s and 60s cars. So then does the classic get locked in based on your subjective perception of a classic? Let me ask you this.

Is a DeLorean a classic car? 100%. I totally agree. Yeah, for sure. That's 80. Is that because it's so unique I think it's because of back to the future I mean there's no other reason DeLorean was classic 30 years ago because back to the future yeah did it become an instant classic maybe there is an instant classic they do call call the movie sometimes. They're like, it's an instant classic on Hallmark. Yeah, I'm going to say 30 years, but it's different.

Maybe it's a percentage of your age. It's interesting they have to say instant classic because it clearly shows that a real classic is old. Right. Well, I mean, that's common sense. Well, yeah. So that part's conceited. But if you're younger, if you're 10 years old, are there things that are classic to you? You know what I mean?

Okay. If you're a 20-year-old, is something from when you were eight considered a classic? That's only 12 years old. No. No. I feel like you answered those questions exactly. Yeah, because if you're an eight year old you can say that there's a classic car it's not from your time period but it's like oh i

guess we're specifically on car i was gonna say like when i got when i was a teenager and i were and i was two two video game systems removed from the nintendo right. Now the Nintendo is a classic. It was? Yes. Once you hit two generations. So maybe 30 years. There were more DeLoreans, though. More DeLoreans than what? I'm just saying there were no more. No future generations.

That was an age. So it's age or generations. So scarcity is also factoring in. It could also be an instant classic. Okay. So here's what we've learned. We've learned that if it's great it can be a classic immediately if you call it an instant

classic it has to have scarcity it's got to have age or percentage of your lifespan at least 30 years for most people and it has to have been pretty kick butt back in the past yeah I agree and I think the instant classic moniker

is for something that has a start and an end, like a movie or a sporting event. Because it's started, it's over, and then you can say that game was a classic even though it was just yesterday. Because we know that in the future this will hold up. It will be considered that. Yeah, but this was specific to cars.

You're right. The question was cars, so there's no such thing as an instant classic car. No. You need to see how it holds cars, so there's no such thing as an instant classic car. No. You need to see how it holds up over time. It's just awesome. Something comes out that is going to be a classic.

It's just cool. All right. Paris on Patreon. If Paris is the city of love, then what's the city of hate? Paris is writing from Paris? What are you trying to walk us into? What is the city of hate? Paris is the city of love. What's the city of hate? Paris is the city of love. What's the city of hate?

I feel like this is just a lose-lose situation here to answer this question. Who do you want to put on blast? Oakland. No, I wouldn't throw Oakland out there. No. Not on a big podcast like this. Not when Detroit's still there. Yeah, that's a good point.

That's a good point, Brooks. I thought you were immediately going to... You already said you live with hate in your heart because you live in Arizona in Phoenix. Phoenix is... Death Valley, California is the city of hate. That's the city of death. Oh, that's different. I think maybe Tucson, Arizona, as I refer to it, the armpit of the United States.

Not by geography. Yeah, but geography, you got to go with a different body location. That would be more like a dirty ball pit. I was going to say, if Tucson's, dang it. I'm going to ask you what the ball pit of America is. Yeah, it's Tucson, Arizona. I went to college there. Yeah, you spent a good amount of time there.

I was there for enough years to know that that is... Can we not do questions where we just make people that live in certain places feel bad? Well, I was going to ask Brooks, if we called Detroit the city of hate, Brooks, you're from that area. Back off. He said he knew it was coming, though. I started typing, leave Detroit alone

as you were saying Detroit. So how'd you know that it was going to be the answer, Brooks? Murder rate. Because everyone hates on it undeservedly all right uh because well we're gonna go there and do a show that is true we must love i've been to the airport let me do a what's the difference question with you before we move on to our draft okay dallas had finally shaken the nickname city of hate apparently Apparently. It was Dallas? Dallas was known as the City of Hate. Okay.

Interesting. Well, there's an answer. Okay. Not Detroit. I would not have gone Dallas. All right. What is the difference between a cord, a cable, and a wire? A cord.

A cord. A cable. A cable. And a wire. Well, wires are very thin. Wires are. They have to be metal cable, and a wire. Well, wires are very thin. Wires are... They have to be metal, though, right? Yeah.

There's never been a non-metal wire. Yeah, you can't have a string that you call a wire. No, you'd be a psycho. Yeah, so it's got to be thin and metal. And it's not covered. Well, let's explore that with cable. Cable... Is a covered wire. Is a covered wire he's a covered wire it could but it doesn't have to be covered it could just be twisted right if you take a bunch of wire together and you twist them around it's still a wire

that's a cable no no the twist has nothing to do with it oh no it's the girth the girth of if you take a bunch of wire uh-, and you put it next to each other, and you twist it around, and you make it... That's a cable, isn't it? It's just a wire. No, it's a bunch of wires, and you don't call it a bunch of wires. Yeah, you do. No, you...

You call it a cable. No, a cable is a singular thing. Yeah, a cable is... It can't be a multiple. Right. It's a singular thing. You take the many, and you put it in one. You gonna wrap it or not? You better wrap it if you want to be a multiple. Right. It's a singular thing. You take the many and you put it in one. You're going to wrap it or not?

You better wrap it if you want to be a cable. You're saying there's no unwrapped cable? Toss me the cable. Better have a wrapping in it. Yeah, if you toss someone a wire. Or a bunch of wires twisted. You may cut their fingers off. You're thinking of pretzels.

Well, those are delicious. But I really think that you can have an unwrapped cable. Jeremy, is there such a thing as an unwrapped cable? Well, I mean, yeah, it's a wire. It's unwrapped. Except for ground wires, wires are sheathed as well, so they're all covered. Yeah, they're covered by cabling. Oh, no, like a ground wire would be.

No, a ground wire is like a green wire, but it's got the green on it, and the inside is some copper. Correct. So that's a wire. So we need to expand. Cable then needs to be. Cables are long. Cable has to have a plug on both ends. You can't be.

If you cut a cable and you cut both ends off, it becomes a wire. Can you have a flat cable? No. So it has to be circular. Yeah, it's got to be. What do you call it then? Well, because a band. A cord can be flat.

A ribbon. A power cord can be flat. That's right. That's right. A power ribbon. Right. So you've got, now getting to cord. Yes.

Ooh. Cord cable wire. A cord has to have an AC on the other side of it yeah that is correct a full air conditioning unit is on the other side of all cords i was saying that you have to be able to plug a cord into a wall right now i know what you're saying you're just plug into something right it doesn't have a cable cables plug into things no you can just plug into something. Right. No, that's a cable. Cables plug into things. No, you can have a cord. Cords plug into power. No. Wires, who knows what they do.

They go underground. All I know is wires are thin, cords are fat. Cables are fat, wires are thin, and cords have electronics involved. I don't think we did a very good job. Well, that's par for the course on this show let's draft let's draft the spitballers draft

alright we are drafting patronizing nicknames it turns out that there are about a hundred different ways you can refer to a person not by their name that are probably all condescending. But if you use them to speak to a child, they're great. They're very uplifting. That's fair.

I use a lot of these when I talk to my little one. Yeah. No, that's true. That's true. But if you were to, let's say, let me give you an example. You go to a car dealership. You're looking at buying some vehicles. Okay.

You haven't introduced yourself to this person. They haven't introduced themselves to you, the salesman. And the salesman walks up and he says, hey, Captain, let me show you something over here. Oh, man. Oh, man. Hey, Captain, no. That is very insulting. Hey, buddy, let me show you a deal I got over here. Yeah. All No. That is very insulting. Hey, buddy, let me show you a deal I got over here.

You're not my buddy. Exactly. So with the first pick in the patronizing nicknames draft, I'm going with Champ. It is very patronizing. Yeah. Hey, Champ. You're insinuating that I have won something that i'm not even participating in and i just i i feel like of all the names that i have come up with champ i would

feel pretty insulted i would feel the most insulted by that name how insulted on a scale of one to ten would you be champ i mean, if someone called you that. 8. 8. Oh, okay. An 8 out of 10. Now, to be fair, we often call each other champs around the studio when we are champions of the foosball game.

But you're not being patronizing. No, you're describing. Yeah, I feel like this has to come from a stranger. Yes, exactly. Okay. If a stranger calls me champ, they're getting punched in the nose. Champ's a pretty bad one. Jason, you're up.

All right. This one is, it's really funny because this is like a really nice thing to say to a little kid, but there's an age, even as a young child where this becomes patronizing you don't have to be around what age i would say it starts becoming patronizing around 11 maybe even 10 years old okay so this there's a very small window for this to be acceptable to an adult super not like stop and to me even has a worse meaning oh is big guy oh all right you're gonna come on over here big guy so so if a stranger just walks up to hey big guy excuse me excuse you want to fight that's what i'd say um and he wouldn't want to fight because i'm a big guy but um yeah i mean that's one of those like i i've got two sons right and my youngest son right now is nine i feel like i could call

him big guy yeah he would get away with that my my other son is days away from becoming a teenager but he's still 12 and if i called him big guy i feel like I feel like it's already insulting. That's fair. Okay. But at the same time, I feel like with our friendship, if we're on a team, I'm like, let's go big guy. Yeah, but you don't call me big guy. You call me big gravy.

And that is a term of endearment. Sometimes big cat. But if you call me big guy, I don't think that would work. What if it's big man? That's better. That's better. What if I called you big guy, I don't think that would work. What if it's big man? That's better. What if I called you big guy, Mike? I mean, it depends on the context. If you're like, hey, you going to finish that cheeseburger, big guy?

Then I'm going to feel a little bit sad. And you know he's going to finish that cheeseburger. Of course I'm going to finish it. Out of principle, though. So my first pick is going to be all the same rationale of yours, which is that it works for small kids for a little while, but it becomes very patronizing, even for kids, very quickly, for the exact opposite reasons, and that is squirt. You should not call someone squirt ever.

Come here, squirt. Nobody think about the word. It's squirt. The word is squirt ever come here squirt nobody think about the word it's squirt the word is squirt that word sucks yeah that's uh that's a pretty bad one come on man squirt uh and then and then my second pick my second pick is gonna be boss oh i'm gonna go with boss like hey boss come here that's like you're messing up the whole world. Oh. I'm going to go with Boss. Like, hey, Boss, come here. You're messing up the whole world order there. If I'm going into a furniture shop and the guy goes and he goes, hey, Boss, come here. I want to show you this new leather.

I mean, what are you? Really? Why do you call me Boss? I love it. Oh, my gosh. Really? You want to be called Boss? I know. You are the Boss.

I use the word because I use it. With random people? Yeah. So do I. I was just going because I use it. With random people? Yeah. So do I. I was just going to ask the same thing. Is it the same if I get a delivery and I say, hey, thanks, boss? I say that all the time. Is that patronizing?

No, that sucks. No, see, I'm with it. I use it because it's almost a situation of me humbling myself before a way of saying, of saying, you know, like, thank you. Oh, you think you're giving them a, but then Champ should work. No, no. No, your logic doesn't hold up there. You're giving them a. Also, didn't we buy Al a better microphone?

He sounds like he's in a combat helicopter. Testing one, two, three. A little bit better. A little bit better. So Champ and Boss are the same. When you guys gave the example of the delivery guy, you know, thanks, Boss, that's patronizing. I don't like it.

Just so you know. Just so you know for the next time you're going to use it, they might not love it. Disagree to disagree. Well, I mean, I'm not saying what you think. You really need to get them in here. I'm saying what they might think. All right.

Back to you. Back on the clock. I'm going to go with think. I'm saying what they might think. All right. Back to you. Back on the clock. I'm going to go with one that I have never used. I've used Big Guy. I don't think I've ever used Squirt for sure, but I've used Boss. The one that I have never used because- If someone calls me Squirt as an adult, it's over. I'm in prison.

I will justify it before the judge. Oh, and you won't go to jail? No, they'll be like, oh, he called you squirt. Look how tall you are. That's not okay. I don't know why this one is so demeaning to me. But this one to me is so condescending. And it just implies that they aren't this.

It's like if you were to say champ, it's like, oh, you're the champ. But when I call you this, it seems it has this feel that it's the opposite of what I'm saying, which is sport. It's sport. It's like, oh, you're not good at sports. You call someone sport.

Is that what that means? That's what I feel like it means. It's all right, sport. Huh. It does seem like that's what I feel like it means. Like, it's all right, sport. Huh. Yeah. It does seem like that's a pretty condescending sounding. Yeah, it's just like, it's the opposite of boss. Better be a good sport and handle it.

The reason that you've never called someone sport is because you don't own a yacht. Okay, that's fair. Is that what you say to your help on the yacht? Yeah, like once you're in the yacht club, you call people a sport. But do you have to have an accent? You have to hold it long. Yeah, you're a sport. I feel like if you've got a yacht while you're on the yacht, you will

have an accent. You could. You could, because it's international waters. So you've got, to be clear, you've got big guy and sport. Big guy and sport. Okay. All right. And you have squirt and boss. Boss. Yeah.

Mike's got champ. So different than boss. And then something. So different. Two more picks. All right. We're going to stay in the sports realm first. Oh.

Something that you. I know where you're going. You can call a little kid this, but if you call the grown man this, you say, hey, slugger. Yeah. It's just that. say, hey, slugger. Yeah. It's just that. What's up, slugger? That's not great. No.

Why? Maybe it's because all these terms are coming from Little League. Of saying, hey, you are not a grown person. In fact, you are. So tons of kids are walking off the Little League field, and all these random parents are saying things to them not knowing their names yes which good job sport nice hit slugger if you have children in sports it can be very difficult to learn everybody's name in the short amount of time you have to spend together so i get it you got to come up with ways to talk

to people but you don't call a grown man slugger. And you definitely don't call a grown man kiddo. Yeah. I don't even think you call a kid kiddo. You've never said, hey, kiddo. No. You've never used that one? I don't think I ever have.

Oh, it feels great. Really? I want to try it out tonight. Because by calling someone kiddo, you are establishing dominance. Yeah, that you're the boss. You are saying, I am the older one and I'm the superior one in this conversation here. You are the child. So to call a grown person, hey, kiddo.

Okay. Well, that seems nicer. It seems like you're establishing dominance, but it's also kind of kind towards the kiddo. Yes. I've got a better one here that's not. Oh. It's just like it. But this one's going to get you into a fight.

Son. Oh, yeah. I mean, you don't call me son. Yes. Are you kidding me? No way. Yeah, that's a fantastic pick. And what's so funny is we watch.

No one ever says daughter. We've been watching Yellowstone. And he, the main character, Kevin Costner, they write this all the time. He calls his grandson grandson. Or he calls his son son all the time. And it's like, people don't talk like that. I would never. Do you call your son son? Come here, son son all the time and it's like people don't talk like that i would never you call your son son come here son all the time what what do you mean that's not weird that's

supes weird how is it weird to say hey come here son i mean it's just so unnecessary that's not the what we're talking about no no no this is talking to an adult i mean al am i alone that you never say hey hey son i do but it means but it means I need to talk to you about something serious. Yeah, I see that. Son, come here for a second. It's a formality. That's a get you in a fight word on a court. You're on a pickleball court and someone calls me son.

Yeah. We're going to have some words. I understand that. Yeah, okay. You ain't my daddy. If you call me daddy, I will also have a problem. Mike, you went with kiddo. Jason went with, is it back to me?

Yes. You're up for your final two picks. Oh, I've got my last one. I can't wait. I have two. Hmm. I'm going to go. First of all, chief.

I'm going with chief. Okay. Don't call me chief. Interesting. That's like a, it just seems like such a weird pet name. And then I can't decide between these two, but I'm going to go with, I just think bud. Oh, you don't like, Hey bud. No, because these are strangers.

You're not my bud. Earn the bud. That's what I always say. Earn it. Yeah. I feel like bud is so it's because it's so. Hey, Bud, come here. Because it's so short.

It's just like a little. It's like a little quip. I'm not saying I'm not trying to be completely pro Bud here. I'm just what I'm saying is like, you know, butter buddy, which is worse for you. Bud is worse than buddy. Yeah, that's what I think. Buddy is, you know, it's like, hey, buddy. Well, I don't know.

I feel like buddy always comes with like, calm down. It's like, hey, calm down, buddy. Buddy's worse. Calm down, buddy. Buddy is more patronizing to me. Yeah, no, I think I'm going to switch because saying if I was like, hey, bud, come here. You tell me you're trying to buy a car and he goes, hey, bud, come over here. You're not walking off of that lot.

Oh, I am, but hey, buddy is. Hey, buddy is. Hey, buddy, that's far worse. Yeah, hey, buddy is worse than hey, bud. Yeah, I just. So squirt, boss, boss chief and bud are my four picks awful not awful picks awful list of things to uh refer to strangers as um all right mine this is when i was putting my list together i knew that this this was the most important word to me because this is my most commonly used. Also, I'm sorry that your dad never called you son.

Thank you. This is my most commonly used term of endearment. It's actually, to me, a sign of affection, of love. I use it all the time. It's not a negative. But I think it will come across as a negative. And it's fart face. What?

Fart face. I use it all the time. That's what I call my kids. That's what I call my friends. You have never called me fart face, and I'm better for it. Hold on, hold on. Did you just say I think it'll come across as negative? Yeah, exactly. I don't even think that fits.

That's not a patronizing nickname you call strangers. Have you ever called someone else's child fart face? No. Yes. I think I've called Sawyer a fart face before. A fart face. That is not the first time you saw him. No, not the first time I saw him.

That's like a friendly name. But to call someone, hey, you're a fart face is far. I think that's more allowable than saying, hey, fart face. I think I vote that down. You vote. I got two thumbs down. I would overrule it as well. Okay.

As does Brooks. That's just an insult. Yeah. I mean, you can say it's an insult. That's a whole different draft. This is the most commonly used nickname in my. Oh, your world ain't everybody else's world. But I'm the one picking all right if

i've got to go with another name here then it's gonna be bro oh you don't we just helped you in the in the draft bro bra broseph those like don't call i see my son calls me bro all the time i hear my son when he's playing video games like and he's got the you know he's chatting with his friends when he says bro i have to stop i'm like really oh i call everybody bro it just sounds everybody because it's well to be fair it's more of like a bra it's more of like a oh bra you know yeah i don't know it just seems so dumb so okay with it. If someone calls me bro, I think I'm all right with it. Bro can go either way. As long as it's not my son.

It's neutral. What if it's your brother? That's okay. What if it's your sister? Still okay. Yeah, that would make the same amount of sense. But they call... I think this is becoming...

I think bro is becoming just like no gender, nothing. I mean, the cousins are all calling each other bro, no matter boy or girl. Yes. And it definitely can be aggressive, but it can also be a... So you say you use that. Do you use that with grownups? Yeah. You call another stranger bro?

Yeah. Hey, bro. Okay. does it make you feel like strong no together yeah it's a togetherness it is definitely it is a it is a word i would use to i mean when he doesn't call him a fart face of course which i call people all the time thanks for the package fart face exactly one person on this earth that has ever done that. There is at least one. Including you. No, there is one.

That's me. You've never done that to a... I've never done that to a delivery guy. I will do it to the next delivery guy. Or to a family member other than your children. Well, does my wife count? You call her fart face? A million times.

No, that'll be a different draft. Mike, you have one pick left. All right, I'll close it out here. This isn't one that I particularly use myself, but it is definitely a commonly used one. If you call it a kid, it's fine. But if you called an adult junior, I think that there's going to be a situation.

Yeah, I don't think that that will ever be good. I'm trying to think of a situation that would be good. King Griffey, maybe. Well, no. I mean, obviously, if they are a junior, you're just calling them their name. It's not a nickname. Is that used? Do people say junior?

I think they do. As a nickname? I think they do. That would be insulting. If someone said junior to me, I'd be like, what? I mean, I guess if they were 80, I'd be like, okay, that's fine. I mean, right? Like, I would be, how do I come back against that?

Oh, that would be the situation, though. I think that old people are the ones that use it. Sure. Like, really old people. It's old-timey. Yeah. So you would use it sure they like really old people it's old timey yeah so you would use it i mean come here junior because that's the that's the actual only phrase that's ever been uttered

with it in there is come here junior help me with these i just that one came in i have my backup if we're not okay with that one no it's fine i think i'm all right champ slugger kiddo junior big guy which i didn't pick it but big fella is real close yeah i thought about going with tough uh like a tough guy little fella not great either yeah maybe i'm more sensitive to being so small and being called squirt interesting as a kid so what what is worse for you as as a tall person For someone to go with the ironic, like, hey, tiny, or to go with big guy. I think at this point, I would understand the joke of all small names now. Okay. But it wasn't funny when I was little.

Because it wasn't ironic. Yeah. If you call me squirt now, it's ironic. Gotcha. But if you call me big fella, I am sucking in the gut. I am going, hope you're being ironic. So there are a lot. Ace was in contention.

Ace is a good one. Ace was on my list. Yeah, you had a list of 100 hundred i think names that you paste because there are many there are a lot although many from this list are not in that category nor would i read them aloud you know one that i use skipper skipper would be a problem skip was one i had thought of captain there's one i use all the time for my kids that fart face well yeah fart face that's my number one but just dude like using that word every time i use it which is all the time for my kids that fart face well yeah fart face that's my number one but just dude like using that word every time i use it which is all the time i feel so old every time i say

you feel old i think dude has turned dude has moved into an older word yeah i just feel like hey dude it just feels old it feels like something that had a nice 20 year run in my life and it probably should move on yeah i should be progressing to fart face. I haven't gotten there yet. Dude forever. Tiger? Yeah. And fart face.

And, of course, yeah. But other than that. Do you remember Haas? No. I know of it. Yeah. That was hot for a minute. I know of it, yes.

What's up, dude? Yeah. You're my bro. It's funny. I don't know what the problem is over here. The problem dude? Yeah. You're my bro. It's funny. I don't know what the problem is over here. The problem with bro is not saying the word bro. The problem is if you listen to your children play a video game for one hour and you have heard the word bro 300 times consecutively.

60 minutes, 300 times, the math checks out. Yeah. That is when I go, I literally turned to my son the other day, I go, if you call me bro or I hear you say bro again, I'm going to die. Yeah, if you come up with more nicknames, listen to this podcast, and now you've got great things to call your friends. I was all about dude, but man, you say it 300 times in a minute. You're overplaying dude. Anything from the producers back there? Maybe a hot shot.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Nice try, hot shot. Okay. Cupcake. Anything from Al? Cupcake. I do think I would revise my rating that I gave at the beginning of this draft on Champ, though.

Oh, it's not as bad now after you heard some other ones? It's not as bad. Some of the others are worse. Of all the... Let's test that. I need to leave some room. Brooks, I'll give you a minute to think about it, but of the ones we picked, which one... Squirt. Okay, Squirt would be the most insulting for you?

Absolutely. And then Brooks, of all these nicknames, just some research for around the studio, which name is the most... Would get under your skin the most if it became your nickname? I'm going to go with kiddo. Yeah, that would suck. Would it be ironic or weird if we said boss all the time? Would that elevate you?

Feel free. Yeah, no worries there. Okay. You're sub 50% now, fellas. Interesting. Okay, this one was fun. What did we learn today?

I learned that I don't want to sleep in my dirty ball pit. That makes sense. I learned that you love calling your kids Farfetch'd. Oh, it's the best. I like that you learned it just now. It's the nickname that he uses all the time.

But you just learned it. now it's the nickname that he uses all the time but you just learned it i hope i can get included is all i'm asking there's no way you've never not you have heard me call my kids for i have heard you say you call your kids fart face you never okay owl have you heard me call my kids fart face all the time yes well that tells you this is real and he has called my kid a fart face. A fart face or fart face. These are very different things. Fart face, yeah. Look, big guy, invite us over more and you can call my kids fart face. That would just, to answer the question that was going around,

that would be the one I would hate the most. Okay, good. This big guy. I learned Jason needs to reevaluate his definition of athlete. Okay. Okay, that's fair. You got to do some soul searching on that one. That's a good point, sport.

Oh, man. This will be happening around the office soon. Thanks for listening. Tune in. Appreciate you. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to,

check out SpitballersPod.com.